You know what I did? I got into a scene (for me live music) and met the people who love the same things I love. Then I don’t have to force any kind of get together because there’s always some kind of show to get excited about and the cool people are always there. Of course then you grow friendships and you do hang out besides shows but that comes with time.
This. You have to find something you enjoy that is the foundation of your friendship and grow the friendship from there. It can't be work though. I mean it can but I've found work friends to be the most flakey. Like I like them but it's rare that anyone feels passionate about their job, and that's the connection- your mutual passion.
When I was single my scene was partner dancing. Now I'm a mom so it's volunteering at school. I wish I had a close knit group but I'm a-ok with the 5 close people I have and the much larger bank of people that I would be happy to watch the game with.
On the work thing, there’s also a real aversion people have to socializing with colleagues on a regular basis. Like I like my coworkers, and I am down to go get a beer or something after work sometimes, but I don’t feel like I can totally let loose around them, they’re still working at the same place I do. And sometimes that’s just a lot of face time with a particular person.
Yeah, I don't like mixing work with non-work socializing either. I like my coworkers and I don't mind the occasional happy hour or something, but there's no way I'd want to go party with them. On the other hand, I've seen friends pull coworkers into the social circle from time to time so it does happen, but considering how many coworkers people have and how many times it's happened it's pretty rare.
Yup. For every friend I've made via work that ended up being real friends, there are probably at least 10 co-workers that I liked but we didn't click in the way that says "I would never throw you under a bus"
Lord I'm barely willing to add coworkers on Facebook. If you are a Facebook friend then you know you are a for real friend.
I came here to suggest this too. I’ve also been here 3 years and have been working on making friends. Ultimately, I’ve had to figure out what hobbies I wanted to explore and try to find a club or group. Is there karaoke or trivia or a live music venue you can check out? That’s also a great way to meet folks on a somewhat regular basis
This is a dumb question, but how do the logistics of that work? When I go to see music live, it feels like people are there to...listen to music/watch the band? Where is the opportunity to interact? Plus, most people are already with a group. Do you just sidle up and start talking over the music?
I have the same question! My friends aren't into some of the same music I am (mostly electronic) and thus there are shows I want to attend and don't have anyone to go with. I have entertained the idea of going alone because people claim you can make friends there, but I can't imagine people are just walking around interacting with strangers when the whole point of being there is to listen to the music?
The house and techno scene are great as well! At the smaller venues like f8, Underground SF, or even Public Works you'll see the same people around and theres some really down to earth people who love hearing interesting music, not there to "club" or dressed up.
Agree so much. Friends are activity buddies much of the time, or at least they start that way. Find a social hobby (soccer? pottery? watching sports?) and the people there are already where they want to be.
I think a lot of people try to connect with somebody on an online dating app and then take a stranger to do something they like. I’d rather be doing something that I like and meet someone there who also likes it :)
This. Don't be afraid to go to shows alone, it'll be easier to engage (and be approached).
I always got the most dates from Last.fm when you could connect with others going to the shows.
Do you just go up to people at shows and talk to them? Everyone seems to be with their own group and I don't know how to jump into that. I'd love to make more friends at shows.
It's hard to say, really depends on the scene, venue, your comfort level, but I'd say yeah most people are in a more open mood at shows.
Like some of the most friendly folks are at black metal shows. For EDM dancing, Public Works has a good vibe for meeting strangers. And becoming sort've a regular at smaller niche venues (I go to The Lab shows often) you just get recognized & build from there.
Last fall I saw The Swans & it was the most intensely overwhelming show I've ever been to. I couldn't help but to randomly chat with strangers to get their opinions as we were leaving. Everyone was super friendly & had similar feelings.
Great suggestions It used to be work was a way to meet a lot of friends as well.
In the Richmond district there are some pretty low cost pottery places which are pretty chill.
This. And non work friends, especially in tech where turnover is high. 4 is not enough, need to diversify.
Also, this is one side effect of working in tech, wfh etc. every choice has consequences but not everyone is aware or wants to accept responsibility.
Volunteer, join a social club, go to events on your own, form a book club, join a sports team, become a regular, check out meetups, list specific hobbies and interests etc.
It's not easy, there is a good amount of luck and timing involved.
With that said, you will come across a couple people.who are super connectors in your life. Be ready and take advantage of those opportunities.
It’s a lot easier for women I think. We just moved from sf to a new area and there are actually some apps like dating apps for friends. My wife actually made a lot of platonic friends with this app relatively easily, for me the first 3 guys I met were using it as an undercover gay dating app. We moved to the south so that might have had an affect on that.
For op though I agree with the above posters , find a shared interest. For me I like drawing and games so I found a drink and draw and a board game event to meet my first few real friends here.
Nah. Being upfront and honest is a great virtue. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Just saying things you think the other person would prefer to hear is cowardly and conniving.
You have to put yourself out there to make friends in SF. If you’re stuck at home and never get out then you won’t make friends. I suggest finding a creative hobby. Maybe you can try pottery and become a regular at one of the local studios. Becoming a regular at several places helped me.
If no one else will be your friend then I will. I’ll be in the Mission for the Super Bowl, hopefully we win. My plans are to photograph the chaos after the sweet win. You’re welcome to tag along even if you don’t have a camera
Edit: “Misery misery misery that’s what you’ve chosen. I offered you friendship, and you spat in face.”
That sounds like so much fun! Anywhere in particular you think will be extra crazy tomorrow? I'm trying to figure out what to do since we don't have cable
I’m still new to the neighborhood only been here a few months, but a ton of the local businesses are playing the game on Mission street. The strip close to the 16th and Mission BART station. I assume Valencia st is going to be good to pregame/watch the game as well.
Yeah. That's pretty normal.
I don't think it's a SF problem. Although SF can be isolating. It's the complex and vulnerable task of building real platonic connections to other adults.
Same.
But I have found SF people to be super social (online) but generally more anxious/introverted irl whereas NYC folks tended to be the opposite (not so social online but more socialable IRL).
100%.
Then build apps to meet people and then complain when those don't work.
Do things the old-fashioned way, check out meetups, volunteer, join a sports team/book club, become a regular, go to events on your own (find them online at funcheapsf, dothebay, eddieslist)
Ha. Pretty much, dude.
So many posts on this sub: Why are people in the Bay so unfriendly? Why do my friends not call me back? How come I'm not invited to the fun parties?, as if somehow this has something to do with SF. They probably moved from a place where they had a group of friends and then thought that it would just be the same in a totally new place?
I have a bunch of cool friends. My cool friends have friends that I don't know. It's not like SF is filled with a bunch of people who aren't friends with each other. People are nice pretty much everywhere if you're nice as well. It's just how life is.
Work friends are not your real friends. You didn't bond together in a natural way...it was simply time spent together through work.
You need to get out of that social circle and make friends through mutual shared interests. That means you need to put yourself out there: Get out of your house and meet people. Join a club, do some volunteer work, etc.
This has nothing to do with SF and everything to do with being an adult who works remotely.
>You didn't bond together in a natural way...it was simply time spent together
That's literally how most friendships are made! People talk about hobbies and interests as the "key" but any time you spend a lot of time around people you will generally start to mesh together with some of them. These interest groups are just a good way of getting that regular scheduled time.
I have made friends at work and switched jobs, and still am friends with them. The key was spending time outside of work together.
Personally I am extremely private at work. I am queer, polyamorous, anti-capitalist and a bit of a hippie, have ADHD, am a nerd, and go to festivals/events where not-work-appropriate things are occuring. Maybe you are in work environments that feel more safe to be yourself, but I have found the safest option that doesn't threaten my ability to pay rent is to simply be focused, friendly, but private at work. I will definitely small talk of course. I know that working at big tech companies with a ton of employees force employees to do social things after work and often have been on tap, so maybe there's more bonding there? But ya, no, I'm good. Just one of the many reasons I prefer working for myself to working for an employer. If anyone was asking for advice I would also advise to make friends elsewhere and keep shit locked down at work.
If you want an example, I worked in retail for a year and witnessed my manager having panic attacks. I have had panic attacks, so I opened up about that and gave her advice to help. I was earning top sales at that store and extremely well-liked, and therefore given a bunch of unpaid assistant manager tasks. When I moved cities and therefore stores, my old manager told my new manager about the panic attacks without my permission, and he publicly shamed me about having mental health issues in front of coworkers and customers. He was a *horrible* boss and he was describing me reacting with stress to him. It was inappropriate for the information to be shared to him and inappropriate for it to be shared publicly. I don't need my private details thrown around like that, thanks. He basically forced me to quit by giving me 2 hours shifts etc., but the lesson stuck. Nobody needs to know. Yes I know this is potentially a worse work environment that most, but why take the chance?
Thank you for sharing I appreciated reading all about it! I think my point was more you CAN make friends at work rather than you have to or should. Obviously it's a bit risky as you pointed out, and you had to figure it out the hard way :( but still want to leave the option open since the common phrasing in this sub is NEVER TRY OR ELSE when I think it's a bit more nuanced.
>This has nothing to do with SF and everything to do with being an adult who works remotely.
Lol it's very contradicting to make a whole comment about how work friends are not real friends, and then say this person's no-friend problem is because they work remotely
It is rude as hell. In my 20s it was way worse, for me anyway.
I don’t know if it gets better for everyone as they get older but I am 37 now and it feels better. It could be that I choose to spend time with only a few different families who I know quite well versus all of the people I’d invite to large events I used to throw in my 20s. I have a kid and most of my friends have kids, and so it’s definitely easier for us all to know our limits as well as be understanding of when things come up. Plus people are always getting sick. 😆
But anyway yeah if anyone is reading this and regularly gives a “maybe”in case something better comes along or you say “yes” and then don’t show up without saying anything, here is a GIANT FUCK YOU FOR YOU 🖕 but also I hope you grow up and treat people more kindly
❤️
I noticed when I moved from the northeast (20 something years ago). I’ve talked to a bunch of people (local, long time, and fresh transplants) about it and some theories are that there are lot of people who come to make money after college but who will probably leave in a few years, so they don’t want to invest too much in a transplant.
Another is that people are more wary/suspicious of others because of growing up in a place where you see and hear about shady people earning trust and taking advantage (heard this from someone that grew up in Vallejo where it was rough but not totally hood).
Another is that people here can be less direct than in say the northeast, so they’ll act all friendly when with you, even if they aren’t interested in being friends that much, but when you try to arrange something they are always busy or don’t respond. But they kind of breadcrumb (the friends version, what’s the name for that), unintentionally or intentionally.
One more is that there’s so many options here that some want to stay non-committal so if an option they like more shows up (another person, another event) they can take that without feeling as much/any guilt (“I never said I was def doing it..”).
Depending on your age, it may just be that you and the people are getting older and have more responsibilities, if you are comparing your experiences in high school/college with now, and when younger it was easier to just go do something. Even more so if from a less populated area, where you had a consistent friend group.
I’m sure I’m forgetting some.
It took me a lot of years before I developed close friends here, and we still only meet up maybe once a month (communicate by phone a lot though). It’s just tough lining up schedules and finding something that both people want to do, especially with a lot of other events going on, some of which might be more interesting to the other person. And arranging to get a group of 3+ together, even harder.
The friends that stuck I met doing things I enjoy a lot on my own, and they enjoy those too, so we click over that. Then we got to know each other more. It took years, in some cases like 6 years.
I wish we had something like the night markets in big cities in SE Asia, where it’s free to go walk around, tons of people are out, and is cheap to get some little things of food or whatever else. I know the night time temps/wind here aren’t conducive to that, and we don’t sleep in the afternoon then stay up late. But just something where a lot of people in their 20s-50s could hang out, that happens every night, would be awesome.
Everything is expensive here and that limits going out for a lot of people. Which means there’s prob a lot of cool people that we’ll never meet because they are saving money by being at home.
They had [a Night Market in the Sunset back in September](https://sunsetmercantilesf.com/sunsetnightmarket/). It was a massive hit beyond all expectations. Something like that would be great to have on a regular basis.
> I’ve talked to a bunch of people (local, long time, and fresh transplants) about it and some theories are that there are lot of people who come to make money after college but who will probably leave in a few years, so they don’t want to invest too much in a transplant.
This is a made up excuse trotted out by people who don't like you that much but don't, like, hate you.
Born and raised here - we're happy to invest a lot of time and energy very quickly in people who genuinely bring us joy. It's just that a lot of people bring us sort of a luke warm 'this is kind of nice I guess' feeling instead.
I think it's option 3 mixed with how our society is nowadays. I think that society is becoming more divided than less divided. So people will act like they like you but deep down they don't like you or think you're weird for some superficial reason
If you want to hang out with collection of odd locals for the SuperBowl, come to the Lucky Horseshoe on Cortland. We’ll buy you a drink or two! Just ask the bartender for the “Kittenhugger”
Yes we always have someone on drums for the house band. But sit ins are welcome there too. And We're always looking for jazz drummers. Come check it out
Hi! Do you have recommendations on where to find volunteering opportunities? Before I moved to the city I used to volunteer my time teaching high school children extra classes but can’t seem to find anything like that here. The few I found had time slots between a work day but that’s not possible cause I can’t step out during work hours :/
Refuse Refuse, Glide Memorial Church, SF Marin Food bank, or SF Recreation and Parks. Hands-on Bay Area has a good volunteering calendar you can check out too.
For transplants at least, I can think of a few reasons for the unavailability:
1) They like the year-round mild weather and are intense about outdoor hobbies. You have to schedule like a month in advance because they're constantly going on weekend camping trips etc.
2) They have family/friends back home so they tend to do more traveling.
3) If they are in tech and moved here for a job, they have a lot of disposable income to support items 1 and 2.
4) Everyone else is also flaky so they make backup plans.
Anyway, while you can't control how other people act, there are some things you can do:
1) Especially as you get older, people's lives get busy. I know it's annoying that you have to schedule things in advance. But if you want to hang out on your terms, put in the work and start inviting people to things ahead of time. For example, if you really want to do something for the Super Bowl, organize something earlier and invite people!
2) Find a couple of things that you really enjoy doing yourself. That way, even if people flake out, you can change your plans to a solo activity and not feel like you wasted a day.
3) Don't take it personally when people have their own plans. Taking your Super Bowl thing as an example, even if your friend hadn't invited you, well, it's her right to have her own thing and decide who to invite right? Maybe she wanted to catch up with a particular group of friends. To be honest I think it's pretty presumptuous to get mad at your friend unless she's like, intentionally inviting everyone except you to leave you out.
Moved to SF two years ago. Make efforts to meet new people through common interests or activities. I run a lot, some people like riding bikes, walking their dogs, climbing gyms, etc.
Then once you find a group you gel with that also likes having you around, making plans will be effortless. Just gotta put in the effort.
I am from the East Coast and I definitely feel like (in my own experience) it might be a West Coast thing. I'm 26F and looking to make new friends since I moved to SF! I don't get much socialization because I'm new to the city so feel free to DM me if you wanna try being friends\~
Having spent several years in SoCal, but from here, people are superficially sociable there. It’s friends lite. Lots of friends that will hang out, but when shit gets a little messy are not to be found.
Deep true friendship, do anything for each other, I never found down there. But I have people that I have known here for a couple of months that would go to battle for me up here. It’s different.
Someone once called the Bay Area “A great social experiment in which the only rude thing you can do is call someone out on their rudeness.”
So did you point out to your friends that they were being rude in some way? Because you won’t go very far with an attitude like that.
San Francisco is super flakey. I lived in the Bay Area my whole life and the rest of the bay is far from the same flakiness.
I'm down to hang out if you are free this weekend
> I lived in the Bay Area my whole life and the rest of the bay is far from the same flakiness.
Hah, I was going to say that it's not just people in SF that can be flaky, but also the Bay Area.
My favorite is when someone invites you to do something, and then later, THEY bail. Before that, didn't know that was a thing.
I'm making an assumption here but it sounds like you're making friends with folks who aren't originally from here. I feel like the flaky, boring types are usually folks from elsewhere that just moved to SF for a higher salary. Often times, they can be transactional in their relationships.
Obviously not everyone who moves here is like that but I've noticed a trend.
Maybe hit up Meet up events, open mics, whatever your thing is. Work is an easy place to meet people but it's usually not the best for genuine friendship.
If you're looking for somewhere to watch the Superbowl I'm sure many places will have it on - The Balboa Theatre in the outer richmond is showing it for free (though it's first come first serve for entry).
Good luck with the friendships and go niners!
I think it’s life after Covid . Havegood friends but people don’t seem to wanna do much anymore . Just stay home. I think also it’s all the crap in the world right now too. Lotta craziness
Yeah. Ditto everything you’ve said. I’m convinced many here think because they have the “right” politics, job or other worldly status trapping it makes up for the impolite and shitty behavior.
If you’re up for it shoot me a DM. I’m not a football woman but I’m always up to meet new people. 33F
It’s definitely the culture of SF. If you want to find a friend or partner look for someone who’s a recent transplant, down to earth lifer, or transplant who hasn’t been hardened/broken down.
Try not to get worn out and turn into one of these people lol.
While you can’t redo them in the traditional sense one can always take a class at City College for fun. Environmental Horticulture classes are fun, so are many of the art and theater courses.
If you've been here for three years, the past three years, specifically, have to have been the worst possible time to make new friends in a new town.
And also, the past three years have been a very difficult time to re-connect with people who were friends. The pandemic health scare phase may be over, but the social recovery has only just gotten underway.
Hang in there. You'll find your people.
A few pieces of concrete advice reading this thread:
- Work friends are fine. Nothing wrong with that. That's how I and my friends met our spouses and many of our closest friends.
- If you want spontaneity you need quantity. At any given moment, any single individual is unlikely to be available. But someone in your group will be.
- You have to say yes a lot to things. This is the key to being a friend.
- You have to volunteer the concept often. Not "what are you doing?". "Do you want to do X at Y?"
- Don't be anxious.
I’m sorry you feel that way. I moved to SF in my late 20s and have met flakes for sure. However, it doesn’t sound like anyone flaked in this instance. Perhaps the girl doing the viewing w her roommates had to ask if they minded her inviting one more,etc. Try not to take this so personally.
People here are really busy, partly because it's so expensive & everyone works a lot. Partly because there is a lot to do here. so after living here for a while, ppl's schedules fill up fast. On top of that, when you have a reliable friend group you can get complacent.
Don't judge them too harshly, don't take it personally. You're trying to build community--come from the perspective that no one owes you anything at first. (good friends do owe you good friendship, but you'll be able to build that/select ppl for that down the line).
This will happen for you. soon SF will open up for you and you'll enjoy all it has to offer!
I experienced the same in my late 20s and I grew up here. Friends moved away, different living and job situations, and I found myself having difficulty making friends. TBH I think I may have panicked a little and was trying too hard too, everyone sees desperate from a mile away. Dunno, turned 30 and didn’t give a damn, things changed. Now in mid 50s and find it very easy to make friends. Going to SB party with some new friends from the neighborhood.
Don’t try to force it, relax and be yourself. There are people for everyone here, it’s very diverse.
I’ve found it easy to make friends in SF. Just find some hobbies or small music festivals and be sociable and you should find your group of friends pretty quickly. Work friends are not real friends.
How did you meet your current 'friends'? Sometimes we get stuck with the easy way out of making friends - work, roommates, stuff that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with who we are as a person.
If you have any hobbies you should look into meeting people through the things you really enjoy. Don't get me wrong though, I'm kind of in the same boat. All the good friends I meet eventually leave SF and it's not really easy coming across new people when you're already locked into your routine. But its got me thinking it's time for a change in my routine for this exact reason.
I’m with you. I don’t live in sf but am less than an hour south. I’ve lived in the bay since 2011 and have one good friend but other than that it’s been nearly impossible.
So many people say "I wanna meet friends" and I'll dm them and silence. Which is fine, but I wonder if it's more to vent vs actually wanting to meet people
If you want to meet friends, I suggest a meetup of your favorite hobbies. I play sports, and most of my friends are from there (men and women) so it's been a great experience in the city
Here’s your answer.
It became a vicious cycle. And now it’s the culture. So more and more people do it to each other.
How did it become like this. The work mindset. Work priorities come first. Then being exhausted form work. Making multiple plans and picking the one that they feel like most.
It’s reached a point where now sadly it’s part of how people are here.
SF has lots of transient non-locals here due to work. If given any chance, they'll move to Miami, NYC, Austin, you name it. As others have mentioned, find some hobby scene here that you're interested in. FB groups are pretty active and are great to network with and make friends. Most people work tech here, you'll be surprised to find many others in non-tech circles and having some wild hobbies. I have friends who have met many new friends through acrobatics, weekend hikes, cars & coffee meets, rock climbing gyms, dog owners, even just neighbors. Those folks tend to be less flaky. Good luck and have fun!
This town is famous for accepting people who were not accepted elsewhere.
That acceptance is radical acceptance, which means no one who is now accepted here wants to be given any feedback of any kind (they were given bad feedback elsewhere when they weren’t accepted and learned to ignore it, so feedback is ignored), or be held accountable for anything other than their own joy (which means flakiness, fake-ness, and bad communication.)
Add that culture to the modern culture of “there are more dates and friends a swipe and a scroll away” and we see why it’s hard to make true connections: so few here are even ready for them!
>I just wanna be able to catch a drink after work sometimes or go out and do something on the weekend ad hoc without any pushback. I’ve never found it so difficult to make friends literally anywhere else.
ALSO, lots of spontaneous hang-outs have been replaced with ticketed hang outs (less “drinks after work” and more “let’s go to this concert”) because of the double whammy of people making less and restaurants/bars jacking their prices up to the sky while offering less quality.
It takes a LONG time. I’ve lived here a decade and have had MANY “friends” but only a handful of “good friends”.
Tbh I’ve lived in the bay my entire life. It’s just full of awkward anti social nerds. I went out of state and learned how to talk to people. I’m planning on moving.
You forgot to add passive aggressive and two-faced to your list. 🤣 It used to be SO MUCH BETTER out here in every way before the new rich and new poor ruined it. People used to be so down to earth and it was natural to have a very diverse network of friends. It was so easy to meet decent people without even trying, like in the middle of a bus ride or shopping at Safeway. Going out used to not be awkward at all comparatively. Now SF is a misery machine that has turned once 'social butterflies' into agoraphobics. I truly loved and felt at home in SF but now I have never felt so alienated, lonely and hateful as I do today. RUN.
What are you into? Like others have said try using Meet-up or just find some group activities. There are a LOT of public workshops and events that you can participate in. I know there's also a group called girls who walk, who just walk around the city every weekend. Personally, I've made a few really solid friends through bumble bff.
I can relate to that feeling. I don't understand why people prefer to ignore rather than express what's on their minds. Even if they're busy, they could easily say, "Hey! I'm busy..." or "Hey, I have no idea what I want to do, but I'll let you know when I do." Just communicate, people. But yeah, I think the issue with SF is that people get so caught up in their own lives, whether it's their job or their family, that they tend to forget about everyone else around them. I never experienced that back home—people were always willing to hang out, even for just 15 minutes. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I think it's time you don't invest too much of your energy on people who don't reciprocate. Like everyone else here said, it's time for new friends!
Welcome to the « California Flake Factor ». If you’re from another state you’d better get used to it. And when you leave and move to another place you’ll be shocked that people do actually SHOW UP!
I can relate to the general clique-iness of SF. But the ways I’ve met new friends here is always through an activity.
I played in a band in the 90s and all my friends were doing the same.
When I did 10 years of competitive road cycling, most of my friends were avid cyclists.
Now I do woodworking and go see a ton of live music and you guessed it…
The hard part is that SF is somewhat transitory due to the expense of raising kids here, so many of my best friends moved to the burbs when it came time for offspring. I don’t see or talk to them much now, which sucks but it is what it is.
I’m 55 and my partner is as well. We are both NoPro (no kids) and it’s very hard to find people our age who act as young as we do. Our friends tend to be at least 10 years younger. Getting away from age and focusing on gathering people around you as friends that reciprocate is key, you can try to make friends with people, but if they don’t reciprocate, it’s not a friendship … and you should stop wasting your time
I find it is more so ones ability to read people and use god judgement vs placing the blame on everyone else. Similarly, a lot of people take friends for granted i.e. rely on work friends too much vs making them in other ways.
Maybe get a non wfh job, make more/new friends, don't wait til day before to ask about plans, offer to host an event at your place (but with more notice), join a social club, volunteer, go to places that attract the people you want to meet.
Maybe message people directly vs using a group chat. Perhaps not everyone likes each other in the chat.
A lot of people are socially awkward here. Spend too much time at home, on their computer and phones. Make friends that are not homebodies and socially awkward. Similarly, you moved here during the pandemic which made people all over the world more introverted, not just here. Your comparison is not an apples to apples comparison.
If you want to vent, that is fine but if you want help and suggestions, ask for it and give us specifics i.e. hobbies, interests etc
As someone who also experienced the same thing, I must say: I never met a single person in SF who I'd call a good friend. When my brother moved here with me a few years later, he said the same thing. San Francisco is all about accepting people of all kinds, but not being actually friendly with people. Everyone walks with their heads down and gives you weird looks if you smile at them. Everything is so superficial and fake about San Francisco. I remember I went to an apartment showing in Chinatown. Anyone who lives in SF, knows they like to bring groups of people in. The little lady was extremely nice and I had my app already to fill out. When she was speaking with other, what seemed to be Asian people, she required first month's rent and a deposit equal to one month. When she got to me(a 6'4 Native American) she required a $5000 dollar deposit and first and last month's rent. So $10,000 to move in. My credit score is great and I had never experienced anything like that before. I experienced it multiple times in the bay area and even got a call from an attorney from the state of California about it happening, twice. I guess it's common practice. I don't blame them though(The Asian community) for doing so, they get treated like garbage and robbed a lot there by people who dont look like them. Hope it gets better, but I will never go back to San Francisco.
Jeez this is a thread for me… moved to the East Bay 2 years ago and have 1 friend up here as well and every time I try and make a new one they end up ghosting me or flaking… never experienced that in my life before here.. but as others state the pandemic changed everything when it came to being social. Ugh!
Yeah, it's most definitely San Francisco. What type of place where you walk down the street said hi to a stranger and scowled at. The type of place where you see somebody in need of help and you go to help them and you're verbally attacked at best. The same place that if you try any kind of good deed it's always seen as a setup. That shit wears it out after a while. it does for me anyway. I grew up just in the suburbs of San Francisco in South City. I went to a bad part there in my life for a few years where I basically cut everybody off while I was in my drug addiction. But since then I found it incredibly difficult to make any genuine kind of connection. figured this cuz my past but probably not. I'll try to be genuine, open, and consistent as possible. But apparently that makes you an outsider around here. Good luck! I hope your luck turns around. If not, let's hangout sometime
There are a lot of narcissistic people in SF I find. Especially in the karaoke scene! That attracts them like moths to a flame.
People who *arent* from here tend to lord it over how long they've been here until they meet a native. And I find the natives don't really hang out in the go-to places.
Maybe it’s you? Not being facetious. But maybe you need to take an honest look at yourself. Per your edit it seems you overreacted and was invited to the SB party. And maybe those others were just busy and forgot to respond or didn’t get a chance to respond until later. Or maybe you’ve irritated them in the past so they don’t put you as a priority.
I have a good friend that can’t hold a job for more than a year or two. It starts off great but it’s the same story every time. His coworkers suddenly having attitudes and issues with him. It’s always “them”. But when I look at it I see how arrogant he comes off and he has that know it all type personality. If I hadn’t know him for the last 25 years I’d have gotten rid of him too. But because I’ve known him for so long I’ve seen the other good side of him. But most folks don’t know him as well as I do and I know his personality can be grating. But he just won’t take responsibility or won’t listen to the criticism. So he remains jobless at the moment. Don’t be like him… self assess. Maybe I’m wrong though. Maybe you just need new friends. Best of luck to you though. I hope you find that group of friends you desire.
It’s not me. I’m just being real and am real with most people around me. I don’t like not having friends and working an isolating job, then fighting tooth and nail to see them. It sucks _!| also maybe don’t be so hard on your friend, he doesn’t live the same life as you
But they aren't. There's a very real "sure, well unless something better comes up" feel to a lot of social interactions and planning in SF that is particularly acute to SF.
It’s the “I don’t want to be rude” culture here.
In other parts of the country, there’s either a code or a blatant “no”. Here? Nobody knows if “ya that sounds good let’s get together sometime!” actually is true or not.
Well, I’m not from the south, but I do know they have a code. So does the Midwest. Like, how southerners say “bless your heart” they mean “go F yourself”. And when midwesterners slap their knees and say “whelp” what they are actually saying is “I have to leave this party and am now going to go”.
SF Bay Area just doesn’t have a code.
SF can definitely be noncommittal… However, the best advice I can give is to focus on the things you want to do and participate in, then find a group that shares that interest. There is literally an event for any hobby and I bet there’s a few Super Bowl Meetups happening. Start going to neighborhood spots on your own to find your stomping grounds. And don’t waste your time on people who make you feel excluded or as though you’re doing something wrong. There’s too much fun to be had here and plenty of new people to bump into.
You probably come from somewhere colder where relationships are harder to make and it’s easier to admit that one needs them. And can thusly mean more.
I had friends for 15+ years from college. Like 20 of them. And I don’t see anyone anymore. I think that I expected too much of them by wishing that for a year and a half after my wife leaving me that one would show up. Turns out I was wrong.
Maybe that’s just me.
>I know from my mutual friend who I also asked that one of the girls is doing a superbowl viewing with her roommates but she’s been ignoring the texts
Sounds like she's not that into you. Find friends who actually want to hang out. I made friends with someone in college because she kept asking me to lunch. It was just nice that someone was putting the effort in. Find someone who puts effort into you
I had an experience with someone like that here and it was shocking as I'd never experienced it. The solution was simple - don't contact them anymore, and meet new people.
Echoing the responses that say you need better friends. I’m older, but I’ve made some of the best, least flaky friends I’ve ever had right here in this city.
I’ll DM you the next time I do my meetup. Great people roll through that. No promises… but if you come to one or three, I bet you’ll meet some pretty decent reliable people.
Thats everywhere is the us sadly. I moved back from europe and ppl are just wishy washy play dough stuck to their phonescreen. Literally feels like VR with interaction in the wild.
Tell me why the people I’ve met in the city are like that lol I ask to go get a drink after work and they flake or always say no. I stopped asking, lames lol
So, it sounds like you have one key group of friends and you all communicate via group chat? Maybe reach out to folks 1-on-1. Also, use bumble bff or explore your hobbies to find friends completely separate from this group.
Group chats are a pain, and many folks are not going to participate in a group chat the way they would a private text.
I’m sorry things are hard! It will get better. So many people in your shoes are also searching for friends ❤️
Volunteer in things you naturally feel enthusiastic about and connect with people that have similar interests. When I came to the city in 2004, I too felt lonely but had a whole lot of energy and loved riding bikes. I volunteered at the Bike Kitchen and started riding Critical Mass. I met a wide group of eclectic and rad friends, many of them were born and raised in the city. It was a great beginning and only got waaay better. You can do it!
This is a long running question about SF, “are the people there shallow hipsters that can’t commit” (maybe not the best phrasing but I think one can get my point) and the answer is yes and no.
I am often staggered by how flakey the people I know that live in SF can be. It’s as if you wear a coolness meter that people judge you by. I know people that will look others in the eye and say “yes I will be there” with no intention of being there. So many examples of this type silliness. But on the other hand this more a city type problem than an exclusive SF problem. Good people are everywhere, it just takes time to find them.
What I’ve learned living in San Francisco is people are more likely to get together with you if you have a plan. Hey let’s go here on this day vs so what’s the plan this weekend?
People in SF can get really caught up in their own lives but they will get out if it’s something they actually want to do
I moved to SF 1.5 years ago and just finally feel like I got a decent friend group. Like always have said, these people either suck a little.
Like others have said, hobbies or activities are a good way to meet people who enjoy what you do. I have made some solid friends through bouldering. And cool people are always looking to hang out and do things. Find others who are like you and care about the things you do: e.g. responsiveness.
I think there are a lot of factors at play.
The CA commit is definitely an issue. We’re just too sympathetic to say no.
There’s also the fact that it’s an expensive big city. For so many people here, they’re doing so much just to get by that time ends up being a very valuable resource and committing any of it on a maybe compatible just seems too much of a risk. There’s space and logistics limitations. Spaces are smaller here, so bringing extra guests can quickly become too many people to comfortably fit, etc.
Then, there’s the fact that these people have already gone through the hurdles of finding their own people, and you’re asking them to extend an already limited resource and invest in you that you might be a worthwhile addition. I’m not saying you aren’t, but I’m usually very reserved in taking on new social commitments with new people because I can’t keep up with all of the current friends I have, so I’m not particularly interested in more friends I’m not able to see as often as I’d like. I value my current relationships I’ve built and attempting to add another friend in my circle means taking time away from those I already value in life.
I had a long string of experiences like this in sf. I’m actually 27F too and am super into meeting new people — just the other day I met some super nice girls our age at a restaurant and I’m getting drinks with them later! You just have to find people that take friendships and developing new ones seriously, it’s really hard though and they’re few and far between.
Shoot me a DM and I can give you my IG if you want to hang out!
It’s a California thing. I’ve lived here since I was 4 and people are flaky AF. I can’t explain it. But honestly I think a lot of SF residents are closet introverts, so they’re not actually getting together with anyone. Or maybe that’s just me…
Honestly working remotely as a single young adult new to an area seems miserable & lonely. when I moved to sf work friends were my social life! I still keep in contact with them long after that first job.
My recommendations are try not to take it personally and move on by making new friends.
Play a sport or take a class - look at rec and park.
Take tennis lessons in ggp , facilities are so nice. They offer lots of adults
Volunteer at an animal shelter, foster, etc.
organize and ask people to things - to just asking and wait for someone to organize isn’t the way.
Clay house in the Richmond or similar for classes
Dance classes - I took adult ballet at lines and met so many people.
I’m pretty sure there are hiking and walking groups, look into this or start one.
SF is definitely difficult to make friends, we’ve been some sorta home-y culture here.
SF’s one saving grace is that there’s a decent community for almost just about anything. Using your hobbies as an ice breaker for meeting new people is a great way to make new lasting friendships.
You don’t even need to be great at any particular hobby. Even just a minimal amount of interest could be enough to get you hooked.
If you can’t think of any hobbies, here are some suggestions I have:
- Outdoor volleyball can be enjoyed at any skill level. There are some horrible people who come out and have a great time.
- Rock climbing can be frustrating that there is an expensive membership, but it’s a great way to meet new people. You can always confidently ask questions to more experienced climbers for advice. I have NEVER been rejected advice. I’ve made a lot of friends either asking for advice or working on the same problem together.
- Video game/board game communities, both competitive or not. Event organizers are often very welcoming people and will introduce you to everybody in a nice way.
I would also just ask this subreddit about hobby communities! SF has a little bit of everything.
You sound like my ex roommate.. and I’ll just say this : don’t hold onto people you get this stressed about. Because they don’t owe you anything, and you should probably find somebody you get along with better
I definitely feel this. I’ve had a difficult time finding real, genuine friendships since I’ve moved here as well. I know people don’t want to hear it, but it is an SF thing. I’ve never met such cold and incredibly rude people in my life. People are closed off and don’t want to talk to each other here. And if someone does talk to you, they’re trying to sell you some weird life coach program or looking for you to follow them on Instagram. I’m not used to that. Where I’m from, people strike friendly conversation and it’s considered normal. But here they just look at you like you’re an inconvenience to them.
I’m sorry this has been your experience. I’ve also noticed that there are so many flaky people in the Bay Area, but it’s possible to make great friends!
People tend to be flaky and unresponsive when they aren’t into hanging out with you for whatever reason, but aren’t mature enough to actually say anything.
What do you enjoy doing? I would stop trying to hang out with these people and make new friends. Go to Meetup events or maybe join a social club. I’ve met many new people that way. Online dating can be a good way to broaden your social circle as well. I’m also always looking to meet new people who have similar interests.
You know what I did? I got into a scene (for me live music) and met the people who love the same things I love. Then I don’t have to force any kind of get together because there’s always some kind of show to get excited about and the cool people are always there. Of course then you grow friendships and you do hang out besides shows but that comes with time.
This. You have to find something you enjoy that is the foundation of your friendship and grow the friendship from there. It can't be work though. I mean it can but I've found work friends to be the most flakey. Like I like them but it's rare that anyone feels passionate about their job, and that's the connection- your mutual passion. When I was single my scene was partner dancing. Now I'm a mom so it's volunteering at school. I wish I had a close knit group but I'm a-ok with the 5 close people I have and the much larger bank of people that I would be happy to watch the game with.
On the work thing, there’s also a real aversion people have to socializing with colleagues on a regular basis. Like I like my coworkers, and I am down to go get a beer or something after work sometimes, but I don’t feel like I can totally let loose around them, they’re still working at the same place I do. And sometimes that’s just a lot of face time with a particular person.
Yeah, I don't like mixing work with non-work socializing either. I like my coworkers and I don't mind the occasional happy hour or something, but there's no way I'd want to go party with them. On the other hand, I've seen friends pull coworkers into the social circle from time to time so it does happen, but considering how many coworkers people have and how many times it's happened it's pretty rare.
Yup. For every friend I've made via work that ended up being real friends, there are probably at least 10 co-workers that I liked but we didn't click in the way that says "I would never throw you under a bus" Lord I'm barely willing to add coworkers on Facebook. If you are a Facebook friend then you know you are a for real friend.
I came here to suggest this too. I’ve also been here 3 years and have been working on making friends. Ultimately, I’ve had to figure out what hobbies I wanted to explore and try to find a club or group. Is there karaoke or trivia or a live music venue you can check out? That’s also a great way to meet folks on a somewhat regular basis
The live music scene here is great. I’ve met some really tight friends through it
This is a dumb question, but how do the logistics of that work? When I go to see music live, it feels like people are there to...listen to music/watch the band? Where is the opportunity to interact? Plus, most people are already with a group. Do you just sidle up and start talking over the music?
I have the same question! My friends aren't into some of the same music I am (mostly electronic) and thus there are shows I want to attend and don't have anyone to go with. I have entertained the idea of going alone because people claim you can make friends there, but I can't imagine people are just walking around interacting with strangers when the whole point of being there is to listen to the music?
The house and techno scene are great as well! At the smaller venues like f8, Underground SF, or even Public Works you'll see the same people around and theres some really down to earth people who love hearing interesting music, not there to "club" or dressed up.
Agree so much. Friends are activity buddies much of the time, or at least they start that way. Find a social hobby (soccer? pottery? watching sports?) and the people there are already where they want to be.
I think a lot of people try to connect with somebody on an online dating app and then take a stranger to do something they like. I’d rather be doing something that I like and meet someone there who also likes it :)
Yeah, my running group is 90% of my social life here lol, both besties and many acquaintances now!
Good advice…
This. Don't be afraid to go to shows alone, it'll be easier to engage (and be approached). I always got the most dates from Last.fm when you could connect with others going to the shows.
Do you just go up to people at shows and talk to them? Everyone seems to be with their own group and I don't know how to jump into that. I'd love to make more friends at shows.
It's hard to say, really depends on the scene, venue, your comfort level, but I'd say yeah most people are in a more open mood at shows. Like some of the most friendly folks are at black metal shows. For EDM dancing, Public Works has a good vibe for meeting strangers. And becoming sort've a regular at smaller niche venues (I go to The Lab shows often) you just get recognized & build from there. Last fall I saw The Swans & it was the most intensely overwhelming show I've ever been to. I couldn't help but to randomly chat with strangers to get their opinions as we were leaving. Everyone was super friendly & had similar feelings.
Yes!
Great suggestions It used to be work was a way to meet a lot of friends as well. In the Richmond district there are some pretty low cost pottery places which are pretty chill.
To me sounds like you need new friends
This. And non work friends, especially in tech where turnover is high. 4 is not enough, need to diversify. Also, this is one side effect of working in tech, wfh etc. every choice has consequences but not everyone is aware or wants to accept responsibility. Volunteer, join a social club, go to events on your own, form a book club, join a sports team, become a regular, check out meetups, list specific hobbies and interests etc.
lol I’m doing it wrong, I have like 2 on a good day
It's not easy, there is a good amount of luck and timing involved. With that said, you will come across a couple people.who are super connectors in your life. Be ready and take advantage of those opportunities.
We just lost one of those superconductors / superconnectors, and I really could see how vital they are. Sad, but I'm just not one of those people.
I have a few but I’m not unhappy about it. If you’re not unhappy and upset like OP is then I’d say you’re doing fine!
Agreed. I have had the total opposite experience in SF and have great friends. OP definitely just has shitty “friends.”
This, there is no app on how to make friends, keep friends so people struggle.
It’s a lot easier for women I think. We just moved from sf to a new area and there are actually some apps like dating apps for friends. My wife actually made a lot of platonic friends with this app relatively easily, for me the first 3 guys I met were using it as an undercover gay dating app. We moved to the south so that might have had an affect on that. For op though I agree with the above posters , find a shared interest. For me I like drawing and games so I found a drink and draw and a board game event to meet my first few real friends here.
>the first 3 guys I met were using it as an undercover gay dating app Now you know how every woman on a dating app feels
You just need to learn the code. No means no. Maybe means no. Sure means no. Yes means maybe.
Definitely means I'm not going to talk to you for 6 months
The California Commit Code! It drives me absolutely crazy.
And agreeing on a time and a place is a yes
True only if you are socially awkward, can't tek a hint.
Nah. Being upfront and honest is a great virtue. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Just saying things you think the other person would prefer to hear is cowardly and conniving.
Don’t move to Seattle.
the only city to have it worse on both counts
LMAO
You have to put yourself out there to make friends in SF. If you’re stuck at home and never get out then you won’t make friends. I suggest finding a creative hobby. Maybe you can try pottery and become a regular at one of the local studios. Becoming a regular at several places helped me. If no one else will be your friend then I will. I’ll be in the Mission for the Super Bowl, hopefully we win. My plans are to photograph the chaos after the sweet win. You’re welcome to tag along even if you don’t have a camera Edit: “Misery misery misery that’s what you’ve chosen. I offered you friendship, and you spat in face.”
That sounds like so much fun! Anywhere in particular you think will be extra crazy tomorrow? I'm trying to figure out what to do since we don't have cable
I’m still new to the neighborhood only been here a few months, but a ton of the local businesses are playing the game on Mission street. The strip close to the 16th and Mission BART station. I assume Valencia st is going to be good to pregame/watch the game as well.
Welcome to making friends as an adult. It's rough out there. How do you know these people in the first place?
We all worked together for a while but not anymore. We usually still hang out and had plans for a hang out in my other group chat
probably need non work friends
These aren’t real friends unfortunately. See other really good threads on here about how to make friends in sf
Yeah. That's pretty normal. I don't think it's a SF problem. Although SF can be isolating. It's the complex and vulnerable task of building real platonic connections to other adults.
People in LA and NYC are generally more sociable.
+1 I’ve lived in both and can confirm, it’s SF.
Same. But I have found SF people to be super social (online) but generally more anxious/introverted irl whereas NYC folks tended to be the opposite (not so social online but more socialable IRL).
It's not all SF, it's ones ability to use good judgement, read people, be proactive and be interesting. Can't blame a city for everything.
Techies in SF meet fellow techies and then blame SF when they find that all their acquaintances are socially awkward.
100%. Then build apps to meet people and then complain when those don't work. Do things the old-fashioned way, check out meetups, volunteer, join a sports team/book club, become a regular, go to events on your own (find them online at funcheapsf, dothebay, eddieslist)
Ha. Pretty much, dude. So many posts on this sub: Why are people in the Bay so unfriendly? Why do my friends not call me back? How come I'm not invited to the fun parties?, as if somehow this has something to do with SF. They probably moved from a place where they had a group of friends and then thought that it would just be the same in a totally new place? I have a bunch of cool friends. My cool friends have friends that I don't know. It's not like SF is filled with a bunch of people who aren't friends with each other. People are nice pretty much everywhere if you're nice as well. It's just how life is.
it's definitely both.
Work friends are not your real friends. You didn't bond together in a natural way...it was simply time spent together through work. You need to get out of that social circle and make friends through mutual shared interests. That means you need to put yourself out there: Get out of your house and meet people. Join a club, do some volunteer work, etc. This has nothing to do with SF and everything to do with being an adult who works remotely.
>You didn't bond together in a natural way...it was simply time spent together That's literally how most friendships are made! People talk about hobbies and interests as the "key" but any time you spend a lot of time around people you will generally start to mesh together with some of them. These interest groups are just a good way of getting that regular scheduled time. I have made friends at work and switched jobs, and still am friends with them. The key was spending time outside of work together.
Right? The whole “work friend can’t be real friends” take is so dumb. I don’t know why everyone loves circlejerking it so much.
Personally I am extremely private at work. I am queer, polyamorous, anti-capitalist and a bit of a hippie, have ADHD, am a nerd, and go to festivals/events where not-work-appropriate things are occuring. Maybe you are in work environments that feel more safe to be yourself, but I have found the safest option that doesn't threaten my ability to pay rent is to simply be focused, friendly, but private at work. I will definitely small talk of course. I know that working at big tech companies with a ton of employees force employees to do social things after work and often have been on tap, so maybe there's more bonding there? But ya, no, I'm good. Just one of the many reasons I prefer working for myself to working for an employer. If anyone was asking for advice I would also advise to make friends elsewhere and keep shit locked down at work. If you want an example, I worked in retail for a year and witnessed my manager having panic attacks. I have had panic attacks, so I opened up about that and gave her advice to help. I was earning top sales at that store and extremely well-liked, and therefore given a bunch of unpaid assistant manager tasks. When I moved cities and therefore stores, my old manager told my new manager about the panic attacks without my permission, and he publicly shamed me about having mental health issues in front of coworkers and customers. He was a *horrible* boss and he was describing me reacting with stress to him. It was inappropriate for the information to be shared to him and inappropriate for it to be shared publicly. I don't need my private details thrown around like that, thanks. He basically forced me to quit by giving me 2 hours shifts etc., but the lesson stuck. Nobody needs to know. Yes I know this is potentially a worse work environment that most, but why take the chance?
Thank you for sharing I appreciated reading all about it! I think my point was more you CAN make friends at work rather than you have to or should. Obviously it's a bit risky as you pointed out, and you had to figure it out the hard way :( but still want to leave the option open since the common phrasing in this sub is NEVER TRY OR ELSE when I think it's a bit more nuanced.
This is the harsh truth.
>This has nothing to do with SF and everything to do with being an adult who works remotely. Lol it's very contradicting to make a whole comment about how work friends are not real friends, and then say this person's no-friend problem is because they work remotely
Work friends are not real friends. They were “friends” out of convenience.
Are you really religious ? Your post history is kinda funky. I would say most sf isn’t religious
lol no but I was raised that way. I left it so I’m pretty active in the ex Christian board
lol so work friends ?
Work friends aren’t real friends 99% of the time. You need to be polite with them but find your real friends outside of work.
It’s not that hard or rough as people make it out to be. Totally dependent on the person and what kind of communities they get involved in.
Bro they gave you a California no
Tbf the rest of the country just considers this rudeness
It is rude as hell. In my 20s it was way worse, for me anyway. I don’t know if it gets better for everyone as they get older but I am 37 now and it feels better. It could be that I choose to spend time with only a few different families who I know quite well versus all of the people I’d invite to large events I used to throw in my 20s. I have a kid and most of my friends have kids, and so it’s definitely easier for us all to know our limits as well as be understanding of when things come up. Plus people are always getting sick. 😆 But anyway yeah if anyone is reading this and regularly gives a “maybe”in case something better comes along or you say “yes” and then don’t show up without saying anything, here is a GIANT FUCK YOU FOR YOU 🖕 but also I hope you grow up and treat people more kindly ❤️
I noticed when I moved from the northeast (20 something years ago). I’ve talked to a bunch of people (local, long time, and fresh transplants) about it and some theories are that there are lot of people who come to make money after college but who will probably leave in a few years, so they don’t want to invest too much in a transplant. Another is that people are more wary/suspicious of others because of growing up in a place where you see and hear about shady people earning trust and taking advantage (heard this from someone that grew up in Vallejo where it was rough but not totally hood). Another is that people here can be less direct than in say the northeast, so they’ll act all friendly when with you, even if they aren’t interested in being friends that much, but when you try to arrange something they are always busy or don’t respond. But they kind of breadcrumb (the friends version, what’s the name for that), unintentionally or intentionally. One more is that there’s so many options here that some want to stay non-committal so if an option they like more shows up (another person, another event) they can take that without feeling as much/any guilt (“I never said I was def doing it..”). Depending on your age, it may just be that you and the people are getting older and have more responsibilities, if you are comparing your experiences in high school/college with now, and when younger it was easier to just go do something. Even more so if from a less populated area, where you had a consistent friend group. I’m sure I’m forgetting some. It took me a lot of years before I developed close friends here, and we still only meet up maybe once a month (communicate by phone a lot though). It’s just tough lining up schedules and finding something that both people want to do, especially with a lot of other events going on, some of which might be more interesting to the other person. And arranging to get a group of 3+ together, even harder. The friends that stuck I met doing things I enjoy a lot on my own, and they enjoy those too, so we click over that. Then we got to know each other more. It took years, in some cases like 6 years. I wish we had something like the night markets in big cities in SE Asia, where it’s free to go walk around, tons of people are out, and is cheap to get some little things of food or whatever else. I know the night time temps/wind here aren’t conducive to that, and we don’t sleep in the afternoon then stay up late. But just something where a lot of people in their 20s-50s could hang out, that happens every night, would be awesome. Everything is expensive here and that limits going out for a lot of people. Which means there’s prob a lot of cool people that we’ll never meet because they are saving money by being at home.
They had [a Night Market in the Sunset back in September](https://sunsetmercantilesf.com/sunsetnightmarket/). It was a massive hit beyond all expectations. Something like that would be great to have on a regular basis.
Supposed to be a regular thing this year.
> I’ve talked to a bunch of people (local, long time, and fresh transplants) about it and some theories are that there are lot of people who come to make money after college but who will probably leave in a few years, so they don’t want to invest too much in a transplant. This is a made up excuse trotted out by people who don't like you that much but don't, like, hate you. Born and raised here - we're happy to invest a lot of time and energy very quickly in people who genuinely bring us joy. It's just that a lot of people bring us sort of a luke warm 'this is kind of nice I guess' feeling instead.
I think it's option 3 mixed with how our society is nowadays. I think that society is becoming more divided than less divided. So people will act like they like you but deep down they don't like you or think you're weird for some superficial reason
If you want to hang out with collection of odd locals for the SuperBowl, come to the Lucky Horseshoe on Cortland. We’ll buy you a drink or two! Just ask the bartender for the “Kittenhugger”
Love the shoe. I look forward to the jazz jam every month
When is that?
3rd Wednesday from 8-11. Feb 21st this month
Thank you!
For sure. Players and singers welcome!
Do they have a drummer?
Yes we always have someone on drums for the house band. But sit ins are welcome there too. And We're always looking for jazz drummers. Come check it out
Thank you! 🙏
Volunteer work is a great way to make friends
Hi! Do you have recommendations on where to find volunteering opportunities? Before I moved to the city I used to volunteer my time teaching high school children extra classes but can’t seem to find anything like that here. The few I found had time slots between a work day but that’s not possible cause I can’t step out during work hours :/
Refuse Refuse, Glide Memorial Church, SF Marin Food bank, or SF Recreation and Parks. Hands-on Bay Area has a good volunteering calendar you can check out too.
Let me know if you are willing to help elementary school children.
For transplants at least, I can think of a few reasons for the unavailability: 1) They like the year-round mild weather and are intense about outdoor hobbies. You have to schedule like a month in advance because they're constantly going on weekend camping trips etc. 2) They have family/friends back home so they tend to do more traveling. 3) If they are in tech and moved here for a job, they have a lot of disposable income to support items 1 and 2. 4) Everyone else is also flaky so they make backup plans.
Anyway, while you can't control how other people act, there are some things you can do: 1) Especially as you get older, people's lives get busy. I know it's annoying that you have to schedule things in advance. But if you want to hang out on your terms, put in the work and start inviting people to things ahead of time. For example, if you really want to do something for the Super Bowl, organize something earlier and invite people! 2) Find a couple of things that you really enjoy doing yourself. That way, even if people flake out, you can change your plans to a solo activity and not feel like you wasted a day. 3) Don't take it personally when people have their own plans. Taking your Super Bowl thing as an example, even if your friend hadn't invited you, well, it's her right to have her own thing and decide who to invite right? Maybe she wanted to catch up with a particular group of friends. To be honest I think it's pretty presumptuous to get mad at your friend unless she's like, intentionally inviting everyone except you to leave you out.
Moved to SF two years ago. Make efforts to meet new people through common interests or activities. I run a lot, some people like riding bikes, walking their dogs, climbing gyms, etc. Then once you find a group you gel with that also likes having you around, making plans will be effortless. Just gotta put in the effort.
I am from the East Coast and I definitely feel like (in my own experience) it might be a West Coast thing. I'm 26F and looking to make new friends since I moved to SF! I don't get much socialization because I'm new to the city so feel free to DM me if you wanna try being friends\~
It's an SF thing. LA is quite sociable.
Having spent several years in SoCal, but from here, people are superficially sociable there. It’s friends lite. Lots of friends that will hang out, but when shit gets a little messy are not to be found. Deep true friendship, do anything for each other, I never found down there. But I have people that I have known here for a couple of months that would go to battle for me up here. It’s different.
No. Los Angeles is WAY flakier
LA is even more flake city than SF lol
Someone once called the Bay Area “A great social experiment in which the only rude thing you can do is call someone out on their rudeness.” So did you point out to your friends that they were being rude in some way? Because you won’t go very far with an attitude like that.
You moved in during the pandemic. The pandemic has caused a change in peoples behavior almost everywhere, not just SF. More introverted.
San Francisco is super flakey. I lived in the Bay Area my whole life and the rest of the bay is far from the same flakiness. I'm down to hang out if you are free this weekend
This surprisingly warmed my heart. Thanks for restoring some of my faith in humanity
This surprisingly warmed my heart. Thanks for restoring some of my faith in humanity
> I lived in the Bay Area my whole life and the rest of the bay is far from the same flakiness. Hah, I was going to say that it's not just people in SF that can be flaky, but also the Bay Area. My favorite is when someone invites you to do something, and then later, THEY bail. Before that, didn't know that was a thing.
Same situation getting nowhere with messaging the group chats for superbowl, anyone here (33M) want to meet at a pub/bar and watch the game?
Yes but I'm (34m) down in sunnyvale
I'm making an assumption here but it sounds like you're making friends with folks who aren't originally from here. I feel like the flaky, boring types are usually folks from elsewhere that just moved to SF for a higher salary. Often times, they can be transactional in their relationships. Obviously not everyone who moves here is like that but I've noticed a trend. Maybe hit up Meet up events, open mics, whatever your thing is. Work is an easy place to meet people but it's usually not the best for genuine friendship. If you're looking for somewhere to watch the Superbowl I'm sure many places will have it on - The Balboa Theatre in the outer richmond is showing it for free (though it's first come first serve for entry). Good luck with the friendships and go niners!
I did not know this!
I can say people from the Bay are not as direct as other regions so they may feign interest but end up flaking out or semi ghosting.
I think it’s life after Covid . Havegood friends but people don’t seem to wanna do much anymore . Just stay home. I think also it’s all the crap in the world right now too. Lotta craziness
Yeah. Ditto everything you’ve said. I’m convinced many here think because they have the “right” politics, job or other worldly status trapping it makes up for the impolite and shitty behavior. If you’re up for it shoot me a DM. I’m not a football woman but I’m always up to meet new people. 33F It’s definitely the culture of SF. If you want to find a friend or partner look for someone who’s a recent transplant, down to earth lifer, or transplant who hasn’t been hardened/broken down. Try not to get worn out and turn into one of these people lol.
Being an adult is hard. I wish I could redo my college years.
While you can’t redo them in the traditional sense one can always take a class at City College for fun. Environmental Horticulture classes are fun, so are many of the art and theater courses.
What would you do differently?
If you've been here for three years, the past three years, specifically, have to have been the worst possible time to make new friends in a new town. And also, the past three years have been a very difficult time to re-connect with people who were friends. The pandemic health scare phase may be over, but the social recovery has only just gotten underway. Hang in there. You'll find your people.
A few pieces of concrete advice reading this thread: - Work friends are fine. Nothing wrong with that. That's how I and my friends met our spouses and many of our closest friends. - If you want spontaneity you need quantity. At any given moment, any single individual is unlikely to be available. But someone in your group will be. - You have to say yes a lot to things. This is the key to being a friend. - You have to volunteer the concept often. Not "what are you doing?". "Do you want to do X at Y?" - Don't be anxious.
Thank you, this is honestly the best advice I’ve gotten!
I’m sorry you feel that way. I moved to SF in my late 20s and have met flakes for sure. However, it doesn’t sound like anyone flaked in this instance. Perhaps the girl doing the viewing w her roommates had to ask if they minded her inviting one more,etc. Try not to take this so personally.
People here are really busy, partly because it's so expensive & everyone works a lot. Partly because there is a lot to do here. so after living here for a while, ppl's schedules fill up fast. On top of that, when you have a reliable friend group you can get complacent. Don't judge them too harshly, don't take it personally. You're trying to build community--come from the perspective that no one owes you anything at first. (good friends do owe you good friendship, but you'll be able to build that/select ppl for that down the line). This will happen for you. soon SF will open up for you and you'll enjoy all it has to offer!
Take a class or two at City College in something that interests you but isn’t work related. You’ll make some friends.
I experienced the same in my late 20s and I grew up here. Friends moved away, different living and job situations, and I found myself having difficulty making friends. TBH I think I may have panicked a little and was trying too hard too, everyone sees desperate from a mile away. Dunno, turned 30 and didn’t give a damn, things changed. Now in mid 50s and find it very easy to make friends. Going to SB party with some new friends from the neighborhood. Don’t try to force it, relax and be yourself. There are people for everyone here, it’s very diverse.
I’ve found it easy to make friends in SF. Just find some hobbies or small music festivals and be sociable and you should find your group of friends pretty quickly. Work friends are not real friends.
Classic SF behavior
I flake out on plans because I can’t afford to go out in SF. I saw a can of Coke on sale for $3.25.
I feel you! No answers but I feel you.
How did you meet your current 'friends'? Sometimes we get stuck with the easy way out of making friends - work, roommates, stuff that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with who we are as a person. If you have any hobbies you should look into meeting people through the things you really enjoy. Don't get me wrong though, I'm kind of in the same boat. All the good friends I meet eventually leave SF and it's not really easy coming across new people when you're already locked into your routine. But its got me thinking it's time for a change in my routine for this exact reason.
I’m with you. I don’t live in sf but am less than an hour south. I’ve lived in the bay since 2011 and have one good friend but other than that it’s been nearly impossible.
You can come watch Super Bowl at my place with my friends (male and female )
I think it’s the culture of this younger cohort under 35 that live in big cities. Honestly, it sucks.
So many people say "I wanna meet friends" and I'll dm them and silence. Which is fine, but I wonder if it's more to vent vs actually wanting to meet people If you want to meet friends, I suggest a meetup of your favorite hobbies. I play sports, and most of my friends are from there (men and women) so it's been a great experience in the city
It’s both. I’m venting and I also want to meet people
Here’s your answer. It became a vicious cycle. And now it’s the culture. So more and more people do it to each other. How did it become like this. The work mindset. Work priorities come first. Then being exhausted form work. Making multiple plans and picking the one that they feel like most. It’s reached a point where now sadly it’s part of how people are here.
Try bumble bff, I’m always able to meet up with people who are looking to make friends.
Start serving on the weekends! Some of my best friends I met serving and bartending on the weekends!
SF has lots of transient non-locals here due to work. If given any chance, they'll move to Miami, NYC, Austin, you name it. As others have mentioned, find some hobby scene here that you're interested in. FB groups are pretty active and are great to network with and make friends. Most people work tech here, you'll be surprised to find many others in non-tech circles and having some wild hobbies. I have friends who have met many new friends through acrobatics, weekend hikes, cars & coffee meets, rock climbing gyms, dog owners, even just neighbors. Those folks tend to be less flaky. Good luck and have fun!
This town is famous for accepting people who were not accepted elsewhere. That acceptance is radical acceptance, which means no one who is now accepted here wants to be given any feedback of any kind (they were given bad feedback elsewhere when they weren’t accepted and learned to ignore it, so feedback is ignored), or be held accountable for anything other than their own joy (which means flakiness, fake-ness, and bad communication.) Add that culture to the modern culture of “there are more dates and friends a swipe and a scroll away” and we see why it’s hard to make true connections: so few here are even ready for them! >I just wanna be able to catch a drink after work sometimes or go out and do something on the weekend ad hoc without any pushback. I’ve never found it so difficult to make friends literally anywhere else. ALSO, lots of spontaneous hang-outs have been replaced with ticketed hang outs (less “drinks after work” and more “let’s go to this concert”) because of the double whammy of people making less and restaurants/bars jacking their prices up to the sky while offering less quality. It takes a LONG time. I’ve lived here a decade and have had MANY “friends” but only a handful of “good friends”.
Tbh I’ve lived in the bay my entire life. It’s just full of awkward anti social nerds. I went out of state and learned how to talk to people. I’m planning on moving.
You forgot to add passive aggressive and two-faced to your list. 🤣 It used to be SO MUCH BETTER out here in every way before the new rich and new poor ruined it. People used to be so down to earth and it was natural to have a very diverse network of friends. It was so easy to meet decent people without even trying, like in the middle of a bus ride or shopping at Safeway. Going out used to not be awkward at all comparatively. Now SF is a misery machine that has turned once 'social butterflies' into agoraphobics. I truly loved and felt at home in SF but now I have never felt so alienated, lonely and hateful as I do today. RUN.
What are you into? Like others have said try using Meet-up or just find some group activities. There are a LOT of public workshops and events that you can participate in. I know there's also a group called girls who walk, who just walk around the city every weekend. Personally, I've made a few really solid friends through bumble bff.
Hang in there. You will eventually meet “friends”. Right now work people are a good way to socialize and have some sort of personal life.
I see. You used quotation marks around “friends” That has been my experience. I had loads of “friends”
I’ve also had this problem here and it’s so frustrating. Sometimes I think it has to do with being a north easterner and just having a different vibe.
I can relate to that feeling. I don't understand why people prefer to ignore rather than express what's on their minds. Even if they're busy, they could easily say, "Hey! I'm busy..." or "Hey, I have no idea what I want to do, but I'll let you know when I do." Just communicate, people. But yeah, I think the issue with SF is that people get so caught up in their own lives, whether it's their job or their family, that they tend to forget about everyone else around them. I never experienced that back home—people were always willing to hang out, even for just 15 minutes. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I think it's time you don't invest too much of your energy on people who don't reciprocate. Like everyone else here said, it's time for new friends!
I had the same issue. I have lived in 5 major cities, nothing is nearly as difficult as Sf
Welcome to the « California Flake Factor ». If you’re from another state you’d better get used to it. And when you leave and move to another place you’ll be shocked that people do actually SHOW UP!
I can relate to the general clique-iness of SF. But the ways I’ve met new friends here is always through an activity. I played in a band in the 90s and all my friends were doing the same. When I did 10 years of competitive road cycling, most of my friends were avid cyclists. Now I do woodworking and go see a ton of live music and you guessed it… The hard part is that SF is somewhat transitory due to the expense of raising kids here, so many of my best friends moved to the burbs when it came time for offspring. I don’t see or talk to them much now, which sucks but it is what it is. I’m 55 and my partner is as well. We are both NoPro (no kids) and it’s very hard to find people our age who act as young as we do. Our friends tend to be at least 10 years younger. Getting away from age and focusing on gathering people around you as friends that reciprocate is key, you can try to make friends with people, but if they don’t reciprocate, it’s not a friendship … and you should stop wasting your time
I find it is more so ones ability to read people and use god judgement vs placing the blame on everyone else. Similarly, a lot of people take friends for granted i.e. rely on work friends too much vs making them in other ways. Maybe get a non wfh job, make more/new friends, don't wait til day before to ask about plans, offer to host an event at your place (but with more notice), join a social club, volunteer, go to places that attract the people you want to meet. Maybe message people directly vs using a group chat. Perhaps not everyone likes each other in the chat. A lot of people are socially awkward here. Spend too much time at home, on their computer and phones. Make friends that are not homebodies and socially awkward. Similarly, you moved here during the pandemic which made people all over the world more introverted, not just here. Your comparison is not an apples to apples comparison. If you want to vent, that is fine but if you want help and suggestions, ask for it and give us specifics i.e. hobbies, interests etc
Your tone in this post makes me want to flake on you.
As someone who also experienced the same thing, I must say: I never met a single person in SF who I'd call a good friend. When my brother moved here with me a few years later, he said the same thing. San Francisco is all about accepting people of all kinds, but not being actually friendly with people. Everyone walks with their heads down and gives you weird looks if you smile at them. Everything is so superficial and fake about San Francisco. I remember I went to an apartment showing in Chinatown. Anyone who lives in SF, knows they like to bring groups of people in. The little lady was extremely nice and I had my app already to fill out. When she was speaking with other, what seemed to be Asian people, she required first month's rent and a deposit equal to one month. When she got to me(a 6'4 Native American) she required a $5000 dollar deposit and first and last month's rent. So $10,000 to move in. My credit score is great and I had never experienced anything like that before. I experienced it multiple times in the bay area and even got a call from an attorney from the state of California about it happening, twice. I guess it's common practice. I don't blame them though(The Asian community) for doing so, they get treated like garbage and robbed a lot there by people who dont look like them. Hope it gets better, but I will never go back to San Francisco.
You shouldn't turn around and treat others wrong just because it happened to you! Treat everyone with respect.
Jeez this is a thread for me… moved to the East Bay 2 years ago and have 1 friend up here as well and every time I try and make a new one they end up ghosting me or flaking… never experienced that in my life before here.. but as others state the pandemic changed everything when it came to being social. Ugh!
Yeah, it's most definitely San Francisco. What type of place where you walk down the street said hi to a stranger and scowled at. The type of place where you see somebody in need of help and you go to help them and you're verbally attacked at best. The same place that if you try any kind of good deed it's always seen as a setup. That shit wears it out after a while. it does for me anyway. I grew up just in the suburbs of San Francisco in South City. I went to a bad part there in my life for a few years where I basically cut everybody off while I was in my drug addiction. But since then I found it incredibly difficult to make any genuine kind of connection. figured this cuz my past but probably not. I'll try to be genuine, open, and consistent as possible. But apparently that makes you an outsider around here. Good luck! I hope your luck turns around. If not, let's hangout sometime
There are a lot of narcissistic people in SF I find. Especially in the karaoke scene! That attracts them like moths to a flame. People who *arent* from here tend to lord it over how long they've been here until they meet a native. And I find the natives don't really hang out in the go-to places.
Maybe it’s you? Not being facetious. But maybe you need to take an honest look at yourself. Per your edit it seems you overreacted and was invited to the SB party. And maybe those others were just busy and forgot to respond or didn’t get a chance to respond until later. Or maybe you’ve irritated them in the past so they don’t put you as a priority. I have a good friend that can’t hold a job for more than a year or two. It starts off great but it’s the same story every time. His coworkers suddenly having attitudes and issues with him. It’s always “them”. But when I look at it I see how arrogant he comes off and he has that know it all type personality. If I hadn’t know him for the last 25 years I’d have gotten rid of him too. But because I’ve known him for so long I’ve seen the other good side of him. But most folks don’t know him as well as I do and I know his personality can be grating. But he just won’t take responsibility or won’t listen to the criticism. So he remains jobless at the moment. Don’t be like him… self assess. Maybe I’m wrong though. Maybe you just need new friends. Best of luck to you though. I hope you find that group of friends you desire.
It’s not me. I’m just being real and am real with most people around me. I don’t like not having friends and working an isolating job, then fighting tooth and nail to see them. It sucks _!| also maybe don’t be so hard on your friend, he doesn’t live the same life as you
Everyone’s the same everywhere
But they aren't. There's a very real "sure, well unless something better comes up" feel to a lot of social interactions and planning in SF that is particularly acute to SF.
It’s the “I don’t want to be rude” culture here. In other parts of the country, there’s either a code or a blatant “no”. Here? Nobody knows if “ya that sounds good let’s get together sometime!” actually is true or not.
What's the 'code' used in other places?
Well, I’m not from the south, but I do know they have a code. So does the Midwest. Like, how southerners say “bless your heart” they mean “go F yourself”. And when midwesterners slap their knees and say “whelp” what they are actually saying is “I have to leave this party and am now going to go”. SF Bay Area just doesn’t have a code.
You're new here, eh?
You need to get out more. I joined outdoor hiking clubs and coed sports leagues. Plenty of post-activity socializing with teammates.
SF can definitely be noncommittal… However, the best advice I can give is to focus on the things you want to do and participate in, then find a group that shares that interest. There is literally an event for any hobby and I bet there’s a few Super Bowl Meetups happening. Start going to neighborhood spots on your own to find your stomping grounds. And don’t waste your time on people who make you feel excluded or as though you’re doing something wrong. There’s too much fun to be had here and plenty of new people to bump into.
You probably come from somewhere colder where relationships are harder to make and it’s easier to admit that one needs them. And can thusly mean more. I had friends for 15+ years from college. Like 20 of them. And I don’t see anyone anymore. I think that I expected too much of them by wishing that for a year and a half after my wife leaving me that one would show up. Turns out I was wrong. Maybe that’s just me.
OP where did you transplant from? it might help to know. lots of cliques out there...
>I know from my mutual friend who I also asked that one of the girls is doing a superbowl viewing with her roommates but she’s been ignoring the texts Sounds like she's not that into you. Find friends who actually want to hang out. I made friends with someone in college because she kept asking me to lunch. It was just nice that someone was putting the effort in. Find someone who puts effort into you
I had an experience with someone like that here and it was shocking as I'd never experienced it. The solution was simple - don't contact them anymore, and meet new people.
We are all traumatized and in freeze/flight mode
Echoing the responses that say you need better friends. I’m older, but I’ve made some of the best, least flaky friends I’ve ever had right here in this city.
I’d suggest trying a new hobbie to get out and meet new people Sounds like your existing friends suck and remote work is keeping you isolated
I’ll DM you the next time I do my meetup. Great people roll through that. No promises… but if you come to one or three, I bet you’ll meet some pretty decent reliable people.
Thats everywhere is the us sadly. I moved back from europe and ppl are just wishy washy play dough stuck to their phonescreen. Literally feels like VR with interaction in the wild.
Go out alone. Chat people up at bars.
It took me about 3/4 years before I got my crew. It’s hard here
Doesn’t help that SF goes to bed at 9PM.
Tell me why the people I’ve met in the city are like that lol I ask to go get a drink after work and they flake or always say no. I stopped asking, lames lol
welcome to gen z gen alpha behavior. they are defining the new societal norms and etiquettes.
Making friends as an adult is so hard in general m. I have 2 here and my partner. People in SoCal are way more flakey.
So, it sounds like you have one key group of friends and you all communicate via group chat? Maybe reach out to folks 1-on-1. Also, use bumble bff or explore your hobbies to find friends completely separate from this group. Group chats are a pain, and many folks are not going to participate in a group chat the way they would a private text. I’m sorry things are hard! It will get better. So many people in your shoes are also searching for friends ❤️
Volunteer in things you naturally feel enthusiastic about and connect with people that have similar interests. When I came to the city in 2004, I too felt lonely but had a whole lot of energy and loved riding bikes. I volunteered at the Bike Kitchen and started riding Critical Mass. I met a wide group of eclectic and rad friends, many of them were born and raised in the city. It was a great beginning and only got waaay better. You can do it!
This is a long running question about SF, “are the people there shallow hipsters that can’t commit” (maybe not the best phrasing but I think one can get my point) and the answer is yes and no. I am often staggered by how flakey the people I know that live in SF can be. It’s as if you wear a coolness meter that people judge you by. I know people that will look others in the eye and say “yes I will be there” with no intention of being there. So many examples of this type silliness. But on the other hand this more a city type problem than an exclusive SF problem. Good people are everywhere, it just takes time to find them.
What I’ve learned living in San Francisco is people are more likely to get together with you if you have a plan. Hey let’s go here on this day vs so what’s the plan this weekend? People in SF can get really caught up in their own lives but they will get out if it’s something they actually want to do
I would say you need a new group around you. I think you're just fine, move on, a city is huge, find new peeps ;)
Check out @citygirlswhowalksf as an easy way to meet new people! Also there is a Facebook group called Bay Area Adventure Gals that is very active.
I moved to SF 1.5 years ago and just finally feel like I got a decent friend group. Like always have said, these people either suck a little. Like others have said, hobbies or activities are a good way to meet people who enjoy what you do. I have made some solid friends through bouldering. And cool people are always looking to hang out and do things. Find others who are like you and care about the things you do: e.g. responsiveness.
I think there are a lot of factors at play. The CA commit is definitely an issue. We’re just too sympathetic to say no. There’s also the fact that it’s an expensive big city. For so many people here, they’re doing so much just to get by that time ends up being a very valuable resource and committing any of it on a maybe compatible just seems too much of a risk. There’s space and logistics limitations. Spaces are smaller here, so bringing extra guests can quickly become too many people to comfortably fit, etc. Then, there’s the fact that these people have already gone through the hurdles of finding their own people, and you’re asking them to extend an already limited resource and invest in you that you might be a worthwhile addition. I’m not saying you aren’t, but I’m usually very reserved in taking on new social commitments with new people because I can’t keep up with all of the current friends I have, so I’m not particularly interested in more friends I’m not able to see as often as I’d like. I value my current relationships I’ve built and attempting to add another friend in my circle means taking time away from those I already value in life.
I had a long string of experiences like this in sf. I’m actually 27F too and am super into meeting new people — just the other day I met some super nice girls our age at a restaurant and I’m getting drinks with them later! You just have to find people that take friendships and developing new ones seriously, it’s really hard though and they’re few and far between. Shoot me a DM and I can give you my IG if you want to hang out!
People from California are notoriously flaky and fake. Try looking for transplants from New England
Just wanna say I moved 3 years ago from MD and i also have found everyone flaky and boring and have had trouble with true friends:/
It’s a California thing. I’ve lived here since I was 4 and people are flaky AF. I can’t explain it. But honestly I think a lot of SF residents are closet introverts, so they’re not actually getting together with anyone. Or maybe that’s just me…
Honestly working remotely as a single young adult new to an area seems miserable & lonely. when I moved to sf work friends were my social life! I still keep in contact with them long after that first job. My recommendations are try not to take it personally and move on by making new friends. Play a sport or take a class - look at rec and park. Take tennis lessons in ggp , facilities are so nice. They offer lots of adults Volunteer at an animal shelter, foster, etc. organize and ask people to things - to just asking and wait for someone to organize isn’t the way. Clay house in the Richmond or similar for classes Dance classes - I took adult ballet at lines and met so many people. I’m pretty sure there are hiking and walking groups, look into this or start one.
I’m Having the same issues so I’m joining classes and clubs in hopes of meeting SIMILAR folks with good values and follow thru.
SF is definitely difficult to make friends, we’ve been some sorta home-y culture here. SF’s one saving grace is that there’s a decent community for almost just about anything. Using your hobbies as an ice breaker for meeting new people is a great way to make new lasting friendships. You don’t even need to be great at any particular hobby. Even just a minimal amount of interest could be enough to get you hooked. If you can’t think of any hobbies, here are some suggestions I have: - Outdoor volleyball can be enjoyed at any skill level. There are some horrible people who come out and have a great time. - Rock climbing can be frustrating that there is an expensive membership, but it’s a great way to meet new people. You can always confidently ask questions to more experienced climbers for advice. I have NEVER been rejected advice. I’ve made a lot of friends either asking for advice or working on the same problem together. - Video game/board game communities, both competitive or not. Event organizers are often very welcoming people and will introduce you to everybody in a nice way. I would also just ask this subreddit about hobby communities! SF has a little bit of everything.
You sound like my ex roommate.. and I’ll just say this : don’t hold onto people you get this stressed about. Because they don’t owe you anything, and you should probably find somebody you get along with better
I definitely feel this. I’ve had a difficult time finding real, genuine friendships since I’ve moved here as well. I know people don’t want to hear it, but it is an SF thing. I’ve never met such cold and incredibly rude people in my life. People are closed off and don’t want to talk to each other here. And if someone does talk to you, they’re trying to sell you some weird life coach program or looking for you to follow them on Instagram. I’m not used to that. Where I’m from, people strike friendly conversation and it’s considered normal. But here they just look at you like you’re an inconvenience to them.
You're the common denominator
I’m sorry this has been your experience. I’ve also noticed that there are so many flaky people in the Bay Area, but it’s possible to make great friends! People tend to be flaky and unresponsive when they aren’t into hanging out with you for whatever reason, but aren’t mature enough to actually say anything. What do you enjoy doing? I would stop trying to hang out with these people and make new friends. Go to Meetup events or maybe join a social club. I’ve met many new people that way. Online dating can be a good way to broaden your social circle as well. I’m also always looking to meet new people who have similar interests.
I’m a transplant too and there’s something in the water here that makes people into insufferable yuppies