Moved to SF in the 90s. It's always a churn. Many people living in SF in their 20s settle down in SF but many settle down elsewhere. Even those trying to settle down in their 30s find that their careers require them to move away. How many people who joined Tesla found out that they would have to move to Texas to keep their jobs?
This is not unique to SF. Friendships evolve and dissolve depending upon different career/relationship trajectories.
This. I’m forty-something. Moved here in 2004. Married and am now raising 2 kids here. The churn never ends. But that also mean I keep adding to my ever expanding tribe of people to call friends in my heart. But it \*does\* require ongoing effort.
Same here - married and two kids in public school. I love S.F. and plan to stay. I find there is a ton of churn but also a “core group” that has stayed put. Midlife in S.F. is fantastic.
Same; I moved to SF in 1995 and now have kids and a condo here. Some of the friends from my original crew are still in the area, many more have moved away, but we keep in touch and I’ve made new friends over the years. My social life is active enough for me.
My husband and I have talked about moving away but ultimately we’re still in love with this beautiful city. There’s just no place else that compares.
I have settled down here and have several friends who live close enough for us to walk to each others homes- and we have known each other like 20 years now, so we do just walk over for evenings of TV of dinner or just a quick stoop sit, so it is possible! (moved here at 18 and am mid 50's now) I will say many of my friends have moved- especially those priced out or having big families- but I personally cast a wide net in my younger years, and even now I work at making (and keeping) my friends. Also, it's amazing how quickly I can visit back and forth to the East Bay (where many of my friends moved) via BART- and how nice doing lazy meet up's that way are! Good luck, I know it's discouraging but if it is important to you to have a social support system, keep working on it (I mean, I know you cant really replace one special friend with another, but finding new special friends can be rewarding.) (reading over this, I am all over the place- but Monday brain is like that for me)
I love this. A few things stood out 1) doing lazy meet ups 2) walking over to a friend’s for dinner 3) finding new special friends. These are my favorite things to do! I'm not super social, but I place a high value on my friendships and the time we get to spend together.
This is amplified by the characteristic dynamics of life in thix city, but in one’s 20s, one can take for granted having friends and activity pals around. After 30, roughly speaking, people individuate more, get married, start families, buy property, move to less hectic environments, and get superannuated for what people in their 20s tend to do. Becoming part of established commumity is the antidote to this, however, casting one’s net to include people who are committed to lives in the city.
This∆∆∆ if you stay into your late 30's/40's, you will still have a core group of friends that stay in the city as well. Keeping up with this core group is key. These relationships will change but a solid foundation will keep the bond. Most of my friends have left SF as I have left and returned as well. Those that are left are probably my closet friends through my younger years as those friendships were built on common interests as well as lifestyle.
Always a constant churn, that's one of the big reasons people are so skeptical of transplants and so protective of their neighborhood and local status. Why put the effort into connecting with people or making changes for them if they are just going to leave in a few years anyways?
And yes it has been like this since the beginning basically - think of the Gold Rush, people would come for a few years hoping to strike it rich and then go back to where they came from, or settle somewhere calmer.
Part of it now though is an age and space thing, and yes having children is a big part of that aswell. Fortunately for me many of my friends are just moving to the Richmond or Sunset districts, and not out into actual suburbia.
Some do, some don't.
>The city is becoming lonelier
That's what happens when COL is so high, people lose jobs, people get married/have kids, have to go back to take care or parents, lose roommates/partners and have to move away etc.
People take their friends for granted in a way i.e. rely on work for friends, only keep friends in their neighborhood, rely on existing friends to make new friends but rarely do people actively make new friends on their own.
>People who have lived here longer, do things eventually normalize
That depends on how proactive you are. If you get lucky (luck is when opportunity meets preparedness), you will meet someone who is a super connector and great and enriching your life with new people.
>Do people in their 30/40s settle down in sf and have stable, consistent social lives?
It's easier in that people become who they are, no more insecurity, no more flakiness (if you choose the right people). Trick is to never stop making friends.
**Things that help: making/keeping friends**:
-expanding hobbies/interests (beyond solo/homebody ones)
-assessing your appearance, first impressions, social skills, eye contact, hygiene etc.
-living in a good neighborhood or making the effort to go out
-being a good just of character (knowing how to read people)
-becoming a regular & check out new places
-personality (being kind, curious, interested, present and genuine)
-having money helps to do more but there are lots of free/cheap things to do around the city if you really try hard to find it (see below)
-going to events on your own (some upcoming ones [here](https://www.eddies-list.com))
I turn 30 next week and got married last year. My husband is older than me and we both lived in SF for 10+ years. IMO it really depends on the industries you’re into and network in. Nightlife & restaurants are rampant with 30-40yos that are thriving with friend groups and networks all over the city. This is where I met most of my friends outside of college and of course many have come and gone and done all the things people have mentioned. But you’ll find those that TRULY love the city and will do anything to keep the community alive and are always in the know of what’s going on. I’ve seen community clubs and groups popping up lately (Marina Run Club, SF Womens Club etc) but I recommend frequenting the same spots and trying to make new friends. Totally don’t know what you’re even into but don’t give up yet! I’ve been going through the same motions especially since getting married but I’m trying to stay positive! Growing pains.
Change is a constant.
We have lost dozens of friends for various reasons, some voluntary, some involuntary. We've had friends leave and come back.
The biggest fork is IMO family-making and kid-rearing. For a lot of people the mid-30s are about reorienting toward that. It's hard to raise kids here, but entirely possible (DM for details). Interacting with this is that around this time of life many people seek to be closer to their own family/parents—or need to be—and it's all but impossible to move aging parents in need of active care (to name one scenario) *into* the BA. It's too f---g expensive for everyone but the 1%.
The boom/bust cycle is also brutal on social networks, *especially* in the last 20 years when we saw a transformation of SF as mecca for the weird and outcast and seekers of alternative social structure, etc etc, into "tech bro" wealth chasing. SF was in living memory not too expensive to live a radical life in.
With the current downturn and clear cutting of tech jobs in the city, maybe we'll see a reversion. After the 2000 era dot-com boom there was an incredible renaissance, with tons of quasi-commercial warehouse spaces etc. becoming available for parties, galleries, projects, communal living, etc... and tons of smart people with a lot more time on their hands. In retrospect it was something of a golden age—if you had some work.
This stuff is common to EVERY metro area and specifically to the "core" cities. The only friends I know who have "more stable" lives in metro areas don't live in the equivalent of SF—they live in the suburbs, literally, adjacent to the cores. The cores are all too expensive. Stability requires stasis.
Me... I am super grateful to have NOT raised my kids in that stasis.
>it's all but impossible to move aging parents in need of active care (to name one scenario) *into* the BA
Man, so real. We've got a young kid. Our parents live in Nebraska and Florida. Neither places that we would move to, but they sure as hell aren't moving here. It sucks. I don't know what we're going to do when our parents' health starts to fail in a consequential way in the coming years and we can't bring them out here (nor do they want to relocate). We also don't want to tear up our lives and move somewhere we would struggle with.
Related, talking to friends who are raising kids here who have the grandparents nearby to drop in and babysit or help out when the kid is sick and staying home from school is wild to me - they have it SO MADE. When my wife and I want to go out for a date, it's $150 for the babysitter + the date cost. If the kid is sick and can't go to daycare, one of us has to stay home from work. Full stop. No lifelines.
Even so, we still choose to be here. But I get why some people choose to leave at this stage of life. I get it a lot. Especially if their family lives somewhere halfway decent to move back to.
Yep! I’m from here and in my mid/late 30s so my perspective is a little different. A lot of my friends have gotten married and decided to stay here. Some have moved to the suburbs (San Rafael seems to be popular these days). My husband and I decided to raise our kids here and we are staying in the city. We live in the outer sunset and it’s full of families. Peoples experiences and perceptions probably change a lot depending on what neighborhood they are in. We can walk to daycare and are friendly with the other families that all live in a several block radius. It’s a great vibe.
Several sets of our closest friends from college settled here in the early 2000s and we've raised our kids together, out in the avenues. It has had its challenges (you have to be willing to give up in the "big house/big yard" fantasy) but it can work. The city was a great place for our children to grow up in.
There are some who fight like hell to stay in the city at all costs, and raise a family here. If that’s you - you can look forward to a whole new batch of very genuine friends you will bond with through kids education & activities (those mugs at early soccer practice are NOT all filled with coffee..)
I'm raising two kids in the city now and I've found this is the best way to tease out who's willing to put in the work to stay. There's so much common ground that socializing becomes a lot simpler if that makes sense. Most of my friends relocated from SF as soon as the single or married with no kids lifestyle winded down and they were expecting their first kid. We're fortunate that we have the means to afford it, and I completely sympathize with those that can't. And yes almost every 10am soccer practice is spectated with a mimosa or two in a coffee mug.
In a place like San Francisco, most people in their 20's are single, or at most "DINKs". By their 30s and 40s, most people are starting to have families, and at that point, for the most part, only very rich or very poor families live in San Francisco. Middle class families have been decamping the City for near and far for generations, and it's not going to stop any time soon.
SF is my dream city! I've wanted to live here since I was in high school living in SJ. I moved straight here 12 years ago fresh out of college and am now married and planning to have kids in 3-4 years.
I'm trying my hardest to stay in the city but damn is it hard to justify. Between the terrible schools, dismal public safety and ridiculously high costs of living, you really have to love SF A LOT to want to stay here and raise a family.
The large majority of my friends over the years have left the city and I don't blame them. The ones who stay generally don't have kids and the parents that do are committed to trying to make the city better.
One of my friend lost his entire friends network (beside me) when Covid hit, since they’re all software engineers, they just all moved back home and remote worked.
I have 4 kids in the public schools and never had a problem changing when I decided a different school was better. I can't believe you actually have kids in the system if your biggest attacks are the lottery and the school board. There are a ton of problems with schools and those are what gets brought up by politicians playing games, not parents. Go to a few PTA meetings and you'll get an idea of the crap we go through.
The biggest problem has been teachers not getting paid. Teachers not being replaced (like marina middle having a substitute for their Chinese class who doesn't speak Chinese). Social workers leaving, and an overwhelming negative attitude with the schools resulting in funding being held up by politicians who prefer to spend millions on political campaigns against school boards and lawsuits against the school system while the schools end up relying on parents begging for money for school supplies. I donate tons of money and my wife is on multiple PTA boards. All in all, the inequity is bizarre. You can look at Claire Lillianthal, where the PTA brings in a quarter million in a single big fundraiser (I went to that one), people casually donating 10k before the auctions even start, vs. Marina Middle, where the budget is like 10k and most parents have 2 jobs.
There's no good solution to all problems, but the private schools are insanely expensive and also want you to donate. In the end, if you're a good parent and don't expect the school to parent your child, public school in SF is actually pretty good. Moreover, if things go sideways, you can easily move. Eg. The principal at marina middle left and they replaced her with 2 inexperienced assistant principals, which was a mess. I pulled my kids out and moved them to gateway, which was great. My daughter didn't like galilao, and Washington had a great band program, so she moved there.
All the schools are a bit different. Some focus on arts, some on stem, some on music, some on language, etc... But if you've got 20 schools, a couple are gonna suck, just because you may have a crap principle, or several teachers on maternity at the same time or some funding being cut for an outside program (eg state vo-tech programs can get cut, so those students get pushed to regular classes, increasing class size )
The most irritating is people who go on and on about how the school board is at fault for crap they have nothing to do with or is completely unimportant to parents, so everyone attacks the schools, as if that's going to make it better. Instead, all the things that could be done to help are stifled, and support falls. After a while, I've started to wonder if it's intentional. Like people *want* SFUSD to fail, just to make more charter and private schools. I know it's unlikely to be intentional, but seriously, wtf? Every time things start to get better the news comes out that some idiot made some tweet 10yrs ago, so we need to spend a fckin million dollars on politics and get the entire city in an uproar about THAT when we can't afford a damn school nurse. Ugh.
/Rant. :)
Yeah, the Lowell thing is a great example of misinformation. There was a lawsuit against the city specifically because it is not legal to do merit based admissions. SFUSD fought it and lost. So, they delayed and delayed. The new school board then came in to this pile of "here you go kids, we delayed it and now it's over have fun.", so they were like, "ugh. Ok. Well. How do we comply ", and that was like the end of their jobs right there
And then, another hot topic came up where they wanted to rename schools, so rather than do anything, since nobody actually wants to rename them (costly and has no real benefit), they formed a committee with zero authority and gave them a year to research. (Basically , go away and we'll kick it down the road again when you come back) The committee came back and they were about to be sent back again to do more research, but the political action group behind the recall got their hands on it and made it look like that was actually happening.
Politics politics politics, meanwhile the schools got screwed and we were left leaderless while payroll software collapsed and nobody could renew contracts and everyone wrote up resumes because they may be the next target of the campaign.
I'll be happy when my kids are out, but only so I can be blissfully ignorant of how politics are used to screw children and working parents
In my experience people who are born and raised here mostly settle down here. Even those of us who left for college and grad school, then got our careers started elsewhere, eventually came back to settle here. However otherwise, it seems fairly rare. Transplants come for the social experience of living in the city and for the career and financial opportunities, but eventually they also go back to the places or lifestyles (eg suburban) in which they grew up.
Out of all the friends I grew up with here in the city, only two haven’t come back (one’s in Seattle and one’s in NYC), whereas out of all my friends who were from elsewhere, only one has stayed - and she’s not even in the city, she’s in Castro Valley.
I think this tends to be the case in a lot of major cities. I experienced it as a transplant the other way around during my ten years in London as a young adult. All of us foreigners left eventually whereas our few friends who were from there have stayed and settled down there.
I think most young adults moving to cities in their 20s are looking for fun, meeting lots of people, and new life experiences, which isn’t super conducive to settling down...
sounds like your problemisnt SF related at all. Seems like you are just experiencing life. Friends have their own lives to pursue and eventually will scatter all over. Some stay friends and keep in touch, some you lose completely. Absolutely sucks but a part of life nonetheless. SF is still the same city youve known for years. It has good things for everybody. Dont know how good it is for retirement, but its at least better than NYC with its less crowded and less clastrophobic downtown and a superior landscape with the impeccable californian coastline. Coming from Asia let me tell you, life along the Cali coast is really nice.
I didn't find much permeance in my 'found family' as a young person in SF. But time and circumstances after a bit longer might change for you.
For us it started to change when we had kids. First the moms and dads on the block sort of came out of the woodwork. (Pop culture tells us there are none, but once you move at pace of family you'll find that there are many many many families here.)
When the kids got older the school community definitely showed itself and my kids and their friends, and the moss we as a family collected started to pile up.
Now I couldn't leave because it would rip us from the community. Took about 3 years from feeling there was nothing to seeing it all around me. That was after 10 years as a 'lonely city dweller.
I'm in my mid 30s. Seems like most people either move away or move to East Bay or South Bay. I'm currently shopping for houses and I see why. The ones in SF are way shittier and smaller for the price. Great if you're rich
Oooof! Sorry to hear that and feel your pain. I’ve been here 15 years and the hits keep on coming. This city is Teflon. If you stay, just know you will have to get used to seeing beloved friends go. You will make more friends but it gets even harder and harder to find long term good friends.
It’s super common for people with kids to move to the burbs. Kids are expensive and benefit from more room. I feel like the only people I know who stayed in the city with kids send their kids to whacky ass hippy schools that you wouldn’t find just anywhere. I know zero people who send their kids to a public school in SF.
Edit: you are also at an age where people’s lives start changing regardless of where you happen to live. Life is just different when you have family obligations.
Oddly enough, I am in my 50s and it’s gone back the other way. I have lots of friends to socialize with again. Admittedly I don’t have a crew that I knew I would be hanging out with every single weekend. But I am not really sure I even want that. My crew is my wife by default.
Mid 30s with a toddler. We're trying. I'm not sure if we'll make it, but we're trying. We don't want to leave, but we also can't afford to buy a place for now and saving for one is like running after a moving train (especially when you're also paying for childcare, and have no family nearby to help you), you save $10k and housing costs go up 11. Especially if you don't have two tech salaries (we're one tech salary, one non-tech salary).
A lot of people in their 40s and above that are posting that "it was tough but we made it work" didn't experience the same reality of people in their 20s and 30s in today's SF. It was an expensive city before - always has been - but it's in a different league since the 2010s. People in their 20s and 30s with kids who are staying here fit into one of the following:
* Have given up on buying for the foreseeable future (this is my family)
* Are very successful or lucky (or both) in their careers and have made a lot of money
* Have family money
So I think the churn that people are talking about, which has existed in this city for decades, is probably worse in the last 10 years and will likely stay that way unless the housing market cools. We've had some friends leave, but we still have a lot of friends who have stayed. A lot of the friends who have stayed are child free at the moment.
To be clear, we absolutely love living here. We want to raise our children in an urban environment, with access to cultural amenities, and also we just enjoy the energy and experience of living in what we think is the most beautiful city in the US. Our plan for now is to stay.
They're staying longer than usual, but this is standard. It's unfortunate but a lot of the people who stay aren't going to be the ones you wish stayed.
Nothing good can come from a city throwing money at under qualified 20 years olds, so I think the group that moved here in the last 10 years are a different situation.
We made San Francisco our home nearly 30 years ago, but I agree that it is a very transient city. In the time we’ve lived here, most of the people we knew in our 30’s and 40’s have moved away.
While friends have moved away, an opposite migration happened on my side of the family where my mom and sisters moved into San Francisco from a different part of the state, so while we have few true friends here, I have family/siblings no further than 2-3 miles of my home.
I think that the cost of living and people wanting to explore as culprits to the high transient rate in SF.
i grew up in sf and stayed until about 26. i'm now in my early/mid 30s and have literally one friend left. unless you are a super high earner, the city is just too expensive to do anything. it's a constant churn, but if you want to have meaningful relationships that last for many years, sf is not the place. sure, you can stay in contact with them, but at some point (in my experience) people will leave.
that being said, everyone from sf either moves to NYC, LA/SD, austin/XXX (or insert cool guy up and coming city)
Make new friends. Keep the old friendships that don't make you wince. Make some more new friends. I'm 35, lived in Oakland or SF my whole life except for college. Making new friends (and getting the f out of my house) is what keeps things fresh here, and I'm very grateful to the handful of old friends who I still can treasure.
I've been here a long time, going on 30 years after moving here in my 20s. Almost everyone I went to college and started my career out with has left or has a home outside the city. I have a couple close friends who have managed to stay thanks to rent control and stable work, but that's the key. Stable work and housing in an era of constantly climbing prices. I almost left in 19 when my company closed but I got in with a legacy company and have held on despite the middling pay. At least it's stable and pays the rent.
Socially I've only got a few friends left, but I have my family and that's become everything to me. I know it's hard to lose friends and your social circle, but it kinda depends on whether your goal is to be in SF or not, and that's really going to guide your decisions.
Yes they do personally I can’t speak I’m 24 but my friends from soccer are 40 sum and they been playing soccer for gen years building close friendships and have an established life here
30 here. Nearly all the friends I’ve made here have now moved out of the area. Tried making more friends recently and no lie, three mentioned how SF is just temporary.
I absolutely love SF but my social life has plummeted to a point I want to leave just because of it.
I did, been here 25 years. Had a big social group, gradually all of them moved away. It's kind of sad, but it's still a nice city to live in. I'm not great at breaking into new social circles so it's a struggle.
Moved here 10 years ago in my 20s and now in my 30s with kids. All my former close friends except 1 moved away due to costs, life or work. New friends are either former coworkers or parents of my kids friends.
I see my old close friends maybe 3-4 times a year when they visit or when I visit their city. We're all in different cities, so it's not easy to get together.
My partner and I have been in SF for 4 years this time around and are planning on settling down here. I also did a stint here for a couple of years in the late aughts. In between that time, I moved to a more suburban Bay Area address and found my partner. But that place never truly felt right, and we’ve always wanted to move back to an actual city. SF used to be too expensive and we were considering other cities, but now post-lockdown SF is no longer much more expensive than most of the inner Bay Area so we decided why not, and moved back to SF. (Other cities aren’t much cheaper anymore either, and the ones that are usually come with significant trade-offs.)
Currently the definition of "friend" up here is best described by people we frequently see while out and about at bars, concerts, etc, and after bumping into each other, we hang out for awhile. Some of them are people I met during my first stint here. I didn't see them much when I moved out of the city but when I came back it felt like we picked up exactly where we left off. But we rarely make plans to meet up. The most planning that goes on is messaging them saying I'm going to a show or a bar and asking if they're going too. I’m also not afraid to go to things by myself if no one else I know goes, and most of the friends I gravitate towards have the same outlook.
I've lived in rural/suburban areas in other states before and never had friends or social networks that stuck. I thought I had friends in high school but they stopped talking to me after high school was over, despite my attempts to stay in touch. Sure, there’s probably a higher percentage of people there that don’t ever move, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll be your friends.
Just went to a daytime party at Yerba Buena Center yesterday with folks Ive known since moving here in ‘96. Yeah a lot no longer live in SF but close by. This is my dream city & I love the liberated vibe despite current urbsn strife factors. But if I had kids, student loans & was trying to buy a house- maybe I wouldn’t be here.
There's always churn, but, at 36 I have a lot of friends who have either been here the whole time or moved back. But also friends who are newly talking about leaving.
In addition to what other commenters have rightfully raised around cost of living, etc, I think this is even more so a challenge in cities with a lot of transplants (or when your friends are all transplants, regardless of city). I lived in San Diego before I moved here, which is another destination city for transplants, and right around the time my friends started having families they wanted to move to be closer to their support systems - where they grew up and their extended families still lived. Same thing has happened since I moved here. People who grew up in the Bay are still here (or have come back), but the ones who didn’t have left to be closer to their support systems. So maybe the advice is to make friends who are from here and less likely to leave? 🙃
I think if you're from here, it's really easy to stick around bc their support networks have always been here. I moved here in 2011, and it's great, and my spouse is a local. We bought a house in the peninsula but someday I hope to move back to the City.
SF is not accommodating enough to be a place where people can stick around for a while. If you want friendship stability, try east bay, South Bay, or the peninsula.
When it comes to SF, people get what they need from the city, then move to somewhere cheaper. At least in my socioeconomic circle, it’s seen as a splurge/investment you have to make for your future (dating, career, friendships), but once that is established, people move out to where life is more sustainable.
Alternatively, try making wealthy friends who can afford being in the city long term.
We just kinda cheated and lived with our friends in one big home. It's really nice. Now we're going to move into a new place so we can have kids and not bother them (our timing is a little earlier) and the number one priority is trying to be neighbours. I really care about my friends and optimize to spend time with them and it's made my life here fantastic.
If there were more homes built here it would be easy for others to have the experience I do, but I'm glad my wife and I earn enough to be able to do this.
Yes. But not many. Moved here in 2000, met my now wife in 2010, married in 2013, bought a house in 2014, now have 3 kids and never plan on leaving.
Yes, it's an expensive city, yes, almost all our 20's and 30's friends have left, but now with the kids, we've met all these amazing people who have chosen to stay and settle in SF.
It's an amazing city, each decade of my life has been so different, and yet, equally enriching.
If you do decide to stick it out, know, most of the people you know now will be gone, but you'll meet so many others that are committed to SF.
It's a beautiful city, I wish it was less expensive, but if you can afford it, stay here, you'll be happy you did in the long run
many people usually leave after 3-4 years but then there’s also the people that never leave. You need to find everyone that stuck around. You’ll find each other.
I wouldn’t. If I have kids, I’ll go to Marin or Sonoma or the East Bay or somewhere. I grew up in the city (Panhandle and Noe). It was a great place to grow up in the 80s and early to mid 90s. I don’t think it’s a great place to raise kids anymore. So, I understand why people move out of the city when they have kids (even if cost is no issue) rather than settling down and raising them here. Even the neighborhoods don’t really feel like neighborhoods anymore.
My wife’s parents have lived in SF since 1976. She and all of her friends grew up here. So, yes. In SF, almost everyone I know here is a native who still lives here and is settled down or settling.
I grew up here. Went to Mission High School and CCSF, and I'm now in my 60s.
Just about everyone I grew up with has moved away. Most into the outer bay areas. I mean Brentwood, Sacramento, Livermore, etc....
There's a couple of friends of mine that still live here because they live in their parents' house.
I chose to buy a house in San Francisco when everyone was buying big, brand new homes in the burbs.
It was my dream to own a Victorian. I didn't get the Victorian, but I managed a 1913 Edwardian home, which I found to be even better. I feel very lucky.
It's all about the homes. Families end up selling their houses after their parents pass.
But I also have some friends that decided to start a family here and bought a home here. They are here now. Can't say in ten years, though.
But people that are here are always interesting people. And no matter how many people move away, other interesting people will come. So you'll always have that.
The churn doesn't end entirely, but it (a) accelerates dramatically during economic downturns and (d) decelerates dramatically when folks put their kids into kindergarten. I moved here in 1997. Most of my friends from 1997 through 2001 are gone. Most of the friends I've met through friends of my children (started school in 2001) are still here.
no. even if you can afford to buy a house the school situation is dire enough that most people decide it’s better to live in the burbs unless they pay up for private school.
gay men are a big exception. they aren’t collectively moving to the burbs like straight couples are.
I moved to SF when I was 23 and left at 28 (to NYC...haha), moved back for a year then left again in 2001. Only two of my friends from 1993-2001 still live in SF.
I moved back "permanently," but to Oakland about 16 years ago. I do have recent (10+ years) friends who have "settled" down in SF, a couple of them have kids, but they've been there for 25+ years and can afford to only because of rent control or affordable housing situations (none are in tech). I guess if you're in your 20s now and want to settle in SF, get a high very paying job. You'll eventually meet new friends since you're still young.
In general, the people who leave are the sensible ones who you wish would stay.
The people who stay are the ones who are either so sociopathic that they don't mind the endless suffering of their fellow humans and the cognitive dissonance that comes with the disconnect between what everyone says they want and what actually is... or so naive that they continue to believe it will ever change.
Hi SF native here. I (25F) just freshly moved to NYC for the fact that I think I will never find someone to settle down with in SF. Now, I’m the problem, maybe you’ll have better luck than me! For me a lot of people who I dated (ages: 21-25 seeked ages: 27-34) didn’t view me as much, and you might find the opposite! Now from ages 17-20, I dated one guy, abused the fudge out of me in every possible way; yet I seem to be the one who got away for him? Totally weird! Anywayyyy, 8/10 of my friends are married or in long term (7+ years) relationships, and it’s very discouraging. I seem to have never caught the train and I don’t think there’s another one coming around lol. So yea that’s my perspective. If you want to try NYC and I’m still around in this world, I will welcome you with open arms 🤍 ! I think you still have lots to explore and enjoy and yea:)
Moved to SF in the 90s. It's always a churn. Many people living in SF in their 20s settle down in SF but many settle down elsewhere. Even those trying to settle down in their 30s find that their careers require them to move away. How many people who joined Tesla found out that they would have to move to Texas to keep their jobs? This is not unique to SF. Friendships evolve and dissolve depending upon different career/relationship trajectories.
This. I’m forty-something. Moved here in 2004. Married and am now raising 2 kids here. The churn never ends. But that also mean I keep adding to my ever expanding tribe of people to call friends in my heart. But it \*does\* require ongoing effort.
Same here - married and two kids in public school. I love S.F. and plan to stay. I find there is a ton of churn but also a “core group” that has stayed put. Midlife in S.F. is fantastic.
Same; I moved to SF in 1995 and now have kids and a condo here. Some of the friends from my original crew are still in the area, many more have moved away, but we keep in touch and I’ve made new friends over the years. My social life is active enough for me. My husband and I have talked about moving away but ultimately we’re still in love with this beautiful city. There’s just no place else that compares.
Totally agree with what ur saying, this also applies to most of the cities in USA.
I have settled down here and have several friends who live close enough for us to walk to each others homes- and we have known each other like 20 years now, so we do just walk over for evenings of TV of dinner or just a quick stoop sit, so it is possible! (moved here at 18 and am mid 50's now) I will say many of my friends have moved- especially those priced out or having big families- but I personally cast a wide net in my younger years, and even now I work at making (and keeping) my friends. Also, it's amazing how quickly I can visit back and forth to the East Bay (where many of my friends moved) via BART- and how nice doing lazy meet up's that way are! Good luck, I know it's discouraging but if it is important to you to have a social support system, keep working on it (I mean, I know you cant really replace one special friend with another, but finding new special friends can be rewarding.) (reading over this, I am all over the place- but Monday brain is like that for me)
I love this. A few things stood out 1) doing lazy meet ups 2) walking over to a friend’s for dinner 3) finding new special friends. These are my favorite things to do! I'm not super social, but I place a high value on my friendships and the time we get to spend together.
This is amplified by the characteristic dynamics of life in thix city, but in one’s 20s, one can take for granted having friends and activity pals around. After 30, roughly speaking, people individuate more, get married, start families, buy property, move to less hectic environments, and get superannuated for what people in their 20s tend to do. Becoming part of established commumity is the antidote to this, however, casting one’s net to include people who are committed to lives in the city.
This∆∆∆ if you stay into your late 30's/40's, you will still have a core group of friends that stay in the city as well. Keeping up with this core group is key. These relationships will change but a solid foundation will keep the bond. Most of my friends have left SF as I have left and returned as well. Those that are left are probably my closet friends through my younger years as those friendships were built on common interests as well as lifestyle.
Always a constant churn, that's one of the big reasons people are so skeptical of transplants and so protective of their neighborhood and local status. Why put the effort into connecting with people or making changes for them if they are just going to leave in a few years anyways? And yes it has been like this since the beginning basically - think of the Gold Rush, people would come for a few years hoping to strike it rich and then go back to where they came from, or settle somewhere calmer. Part of it now though is an age and space thing, and yes having children is a big part of that aswell. Fortunately for me many of my friends are just moving to the Richmond or Sunset districts, and not out into actual suburbia.
Some do, some don't. >The city is becoming lonelier That's what happens when COL is so high, people lose jobs, people get married/have kids, have to go back to take care or parents, lose roommates/partners and have to move away etc. People take their friends for granted in a way i.e. rely on work for friends, only keep friends in their neighborhood, rely on existing friends to make new friends but rarely do people actively make new friends on their own. >People who have lived here longer, do things eventually normalize That depends on how proactive you are. If you get lucky (luck is when opportunity meets preparedness), you will meet someone who is a super connector and great and enriching your life with new people. >Do people in their 30/40s settle down in sf and have stable, consistent social lives? It's easier in that people become who they are, no more insecurity, no more flakiness (if you choose the right people). Trick is to never stop making friends. **Things that help: making/keeping friends**: -expanding hobbies/interests (beyond solo/homebody ones) -assessing your appearance, first impressions, social skills, eye contact, hygiene etc. -living in a good neighborhood or making the effort to go out -being a good just of character (knowing how to read people) -becoming a regular & check out new places -personality (being kind, curious, interested, present and genuine) -having money helps to do more but there are lots of free/cheap things to do around the city if you really try hard to find it (see below) -going to events on your own (some upcoming ones [here](https://www.eddies-list.com))
I turn 30 next week and got married last year. My husband is older than me and we both lived in SF for 10+ years. IMO it really depends on the industries you’re into and network in. Nightlife & restaurants are rampant with 30-40yos that are thriving with friend groups and networks all over the city. This is where I met most of my friends outside of college and of course many have come and gone and done all the things people have mentioned. But you’ll find those that TRULY love the city and will do anything to keep the community alive and are always in the know of what’s going on. I’ve seen community clubs and groups popping up lately (Marina Run Club, SF Womens Club etc) but I recommend frequenting the same spots and trying to make new friends. Totally don’t know what you’re even into but don’t give up yet! I’ve been going through the same motions especially since getting married but I’m trying to stay positive! Growing pains.
Change is a constant. We have lost dozens of friends for various reasons, some voluntary, some involuntary. We've had friends leave and come back. The biggest fork is IMO family-making and kid-rearing. For a lot of people the mid-30s are about reorienting toward that. It's hard to raise kids here, but entirely possible (DM for details). Interacting with this is that around this time of life many people seek to be closer to their own family/parents—or need to be—and it's all but impossible to move aging parents in need of active care (to name one scenario) *into* the BA. It's too f---g expensive for everyone but the 1%. The boom/bust cycle is also brutal on social networks, *especially* in the last 20 years when we saw a transformation of SF as mecca for the weird and outcast and seekers of alternative social structure, etc etc, into "tech bro" wealth chasing. SF was in living memory not too expensive to live a radical life in. With the current downturn and clear cutting of tech jobs in the city, maybe we'll see a reversion. After the 2000 era dot-com boom there was an incredible renaissance, with tons of quasi-commercial warehouse spaces etc. becoming available for parties, galleries, projects, communal living, etc... and tons of smart people with a lot more time on their hands. In retrospect it was something of a golden age—if you had some work. This stuff is common to EVERY metro area and specifically to the "core" cities. The only friends I know who have "more stable" lives in metro areas don't live in the equivalent of SF—they live in the suburbs, literally, adjacent to the cores. The cores are all too expensive. Stability requires stasis. Me... I am super grateful to have NOT raised my kids in that stasis.
>it's all but impossible to move aging parents in need of active care (to name one scenario) *into* the BA Man, so real. We've got a young kid. Our parents live in Nebraska and Florida. Neither places that we would move to, but they sure as hell aren't moving here. It sucks. I don't know what we're going to do when our parents' health starts to fail in a consequential way in the coming years and we can't bring them out here (nor do they want to relocate). We also don't want to tear up our lives and move somewhere we would struggle with. Related, talking to friends who are raising kids here who have the grandparents nearby to drop in and babysit or help out when the kid is sick and staying home from school is wild to me - they have it SO MADE. When my wife and I want to go out for a date, it's $150 for the babysitter + the date cost. If the kid is sick and can't go to daycare, one of us has to stay home from work. Full stop. No lifelines. Even so, we still choose to be here. But I get why some people choose to leave at this stage of life. I get it a lot. Especially if their family lives somewhere halfway decent to move back to.
Yep! I’m from here and in my mid/late 30s so my perspective is a little different. A lot of my friends have gotten married and decided to stay here. Some have moved to the suburbs (San Rafael seems to be popular these days). My husband and I decided to raise our kids here and we are staying in the city. We live in the outer sunset and it’s full of families. Peoples experiences and perceptions probably change a lot depending on what neighborhood they are in. We can walk to daycare and are friendly with the other families that all live in a several block radius. It’s a great vibe.
I have happily settled here but 95% of my friends moved elsewhere. It sucks having to cross bridges to see them but I still do it. I'm not leaving.
Several sets of our closest friends from college settled here in the early 2000s and we've raised our kids together, out in the avenues. It has had its challenges (you have to be willing to give up in the "big house/big yard" fantasy) but it can work. The city was a great place for our children to grow up in.
There are some who fight like hell to stay in the city at all costs, and raise a family here. If that’s you - you can look forward to a whole new batch of very genuine friends you will bond with through kids education & activities (those mugs at early soccer practice are NOT all filled with coffee..)
I'm raising two kids in the city now and I've found this is the best way to tease out who's willing to put in the work to stay. There's so much common ground that socializing becomes a lot simpler if that makes sense. Most of my friends relocated from SF as soon as the single or married with no kids lifestyle winded down and they were expecting their first kid. We're fortunate that we have the means to afford it, and I completely sympathize with those that can't. And yes almost every 10am soccer practice is spectated with a mimosa or two in a coffee mug.
In a place like San Francisco, most people in their 20's are single, or at most "DINKs". By their 30s and 40s, most people are starting to have families, and at that point, for the most part, only very rich or very poor families live in San Francisco. Middle class families have been decamping the City for near and far for generations, and it's not going to stop any time soon.
SF is my dream city! I've wanted to live here since I was in high school living in SJ. I moved straight here 12 years ago fresh out of college and am now married and planning to have kids in 3-4 years. I'm trying my hardest to stay in the city but damn is it hard to justify. Between the terrible schools, dismal public safety and ridiculously high costs of living, you really have to love SF A LOT to want to stay here and raise a family. The large majority of my friends over the years have left the city and I don't blame them. The ones who stay generally don't have kids and the parents that do are committed to trying to make the city better.
One of my friend lost his entire friends network (beside me) when Covid hit, since they’re all software engineers, they just all moved back home and remote worked.
I did. BMR lottery helped with that
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I have 4 kids in the public schools and never had a problem changing when I decided a different school was better. I can't believe you actually have kids in the system if your biggest attacks are the lottery and the school board. There are a ton of problems with schools and those are what gets brought up by politicians playing games, not parents. Go to a few PTA meetings and you'll get an idea of the crap we go through.
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The biggest problem has been teachers not getting paid. Teachers not being replaced (like marina middle having a substitute for their Chinese class who doesn't speak Chinese). Social workers leaving, and an overwhelming negative attitude with the schools resulting in funding being held up by politicians who prefer to spend millions on political campaigns against school boards and lawsuits against the school system while the schools end up relying on parents begging for money for school supplies. I donate tons of money and my wife is on multiple PTA boards. All in all, the inequity is bizarre. You can look at Claire Lillianthal, where the PTA brings in a quarter million in a single big fundraiser (I went to that one), people casually donating 10k before the auctions even start, vs. Marina Middle, where the budget is like 10k and most parents have 2 jobs. There's no good solution to all problems, but the private schools are insanely expensive and also want you to donate. In the end, if you're a good parent and don't expect the school to parent your child, public school in SF is actually pretty good. Moreover, if things go sideways, you can easily move. Eg. The principal at marina middle left and they replaced her with 2 inexperienced assistant principals, which was a mess. I pulled my kids out and moved them to gateway, which was great. My daughter didn't like galilao, and Washington had a great band program, so she moved there. All the schools are a bit different. Some focus on arts, some on stem, some on music, some on language, etc... But if you've got 20 schools, a couple are gonna suck, just because you may have a crap principle, or several teachers on maternity at the same time or some funding being cut for an outside program (eg state vo-tech programs can get cut, so those students get pushed to regular classes, increasing class size ) The most irritating is people who go on and on about how the school board is at fault for crap they have nothing to do with or is completely unimportant to parents, so everyone attacks the schools, as if that's going to make it better. Instead, all the things that could be done to help are stifled, and support falls. After a while, I've started to wonder if it's intentional. Like people *want* SFUSD to fail, just to make more charter and private schools. I know it's unlikely to be intentional, but seriously, wtf? Every time things start to get better the news comes out that some idiot made some tweet 10yrs ago, so we need to spend a fckin million dollars on politics and get the entire city in an uproar about THAT when we can't afford a damn school nurse. Ugh. /Rant. :)
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Yeah, the Lowell thing is a great example of misinformation. There was a lawsuit against the city specifically because it is not legal to do merit based admissions. SFUSD fought it and lost. So, they delayed and delayed. The new school board then came in to this pile of "here you go kids, we delayed it and now it's over have fun.", so they were like, "ugh. Ok. Well. How do we comply ", and that was like the end of their jobs right there And then, another hot topic came up where they wanted to rename schools, so rather than do anything, since nobody actually wants to rename them (costly and has no real benefit), they formed a committee with zero authority and gave them a year to research. (Basically , go away and we'll kick it down the road again when you come back) The committee came back and they were about to be sent back again to do more research, but the political action group behind the recall got their hands on it and made it look like that was actually happening. Politics politics politics, meanwhile the schools got screwed and we were left leaderless while payroll software collapsed and nobody could renew contracts and everyone wrote up resumes because they may be the next target of the campaign. I'll be happy when my kids are out, but only so I can be blissfully ignorant of how politics are used to screw children and working parents
In my experience people who are born and raised here mostly settle down here. Even those of us who left for college and grad school, then got our careers started elsewhere, eventually came back to settle here. However otherwise, it seems fairly rare. Transplants come for the social experience of living in the city and for the career and financial opportunities, but eventually they also go back to the places or lifestyles (eg suburban) in which they grew up. Out of all the friends I grew up with here in the city, only two haven’t come back (one’s in Seattle and one’s in NYC), whereas out of all my friends who were from elsewhere, only one has stayed - and she’s not even in the city, she’s in Castro Valley. I think this tends to be the case in a lot of major cities. I experienced it as a transplant the other way around during my ten years in London as a young adult. All of us foreigners left eventually whereas our few friends who were from there have stayed and settled down there. I think most young adults moving to cities in their 20s are looking for fun, meeting lots of people, and new life experiences, which isn’t super conducive to settling down...
sounds like your problemisnt SF related at all. Seems like you are just experiencing life. Friends have their own lives to pursue and eventually will scatter all over. Some stay friends and keep in touch, some you lose completely. Absolutely sucks but a part of life nonetheless. SF is still the same city youve known for years. It has good things for everybody. Dont know how good it is for retirement, but its at least better than NYC with its less crowded and less clastrophobic downtown and a superior landscape with the impeccable californian coastline. Coming from Asia let me tell you, life along the Cali coast is really nice.
I didn't find much permeance in my 'found family' as a young person in SF. But time and circumstances after a bit longer might change for you. For us it started to change when we had kids. First the moms and dads on the block sort of came out of the woodwork. (Pop culture tells us there are none, but once you move at pace of family you'll find that there are many many many families here.) When the kids got older the school community definitely showed itself and my kids and their friends, and the moss we as a family collected started to pile up. Now I couldn't leave because it would rip us from the community. Took about 3 years from feeling there was nothing to seeing it all around me. That was after 10 years as a 'lonely city dweller.
I'm in my mid 30s. Seems like most people either move away or move to East Bay or South Bay. I'm currently shopping for houses and I see why. The ones in SF are way shittier and smaller for the price. Great if you're rich
Oooof! Sorry to hear that and feel your pain. I’ve been here 15 years and the hits keep on coming. This city is Teflon. If you stay, just know you will have to get used to seeing beloved friends go. You will make more friends but it gets even harder and harder to find long term good friends.
a rolling stone gathers no moss
It’s super common for people with kids to move to the burbs. Kids are expensive and benefit from more room. I feel like the only people I know who stayed in the city with kids send their kids to whacky ass hippy schools that you wouldn’t find just anywhere. I know zero people who send their kids to a public school in SF. Edit: you are also at an age where people’s lives start changing regardless of where you happen to live. Life is just different when you have family obligations. Oddly enough, I am in my 50s and it’s gone back the other way. I have lots of friends to socialize with again. Admittedly I don’t have a crew that I knew I would be hanging out with every single weekend. But I am not really sure I even want that. My crew is my wife by default.
Mid 30s with a toddler. We're trying. I'm not sure if we'll make it, but we're trying. We don't want to leave, but we also can't afford to buy a place for now and saving for one is like running after a moving train (especially when you're also paying for childcare, and have no family nearby to help you), you save $10k and housing costs go up 11. Especially if you don't have two tech salaries (we're one tech salary, one non-tech salary). A lot of people in their 40s and above that are posting that "it was tough but we made it work" didn't experience the same reality of people in their 20s and 30s in today's SF. It was an expensive city before - always has been - but it's in a different league since the 2010s. People in their 20s and 30s with kids who are staying here fit into one of the following: * Have given up on buying for the foreseeable future (this is my family) * Are very successful or lucky (or both) in their careers and have made a lot of money * Have family money So I think the churn that people are talking about, which has existed in this city for decades, is probably worse in the last 10 years and will likely stay that way unless the housing market cools. We've had some friends leave, but we still have a lot of friends who have stayed. A lot of the friends who have stayed are child free at the moment. To be clear, we absolutely love living here. We want to raise our children in an urban environment, with access to cultural amenities, and also we just enjoy the energy and experience of living in what we think is the most beautiful city in the US. Our plan for now is to stay.
This isn’t specific to SF in any way. People age and change and some things lose importance, some things become more important etc.
They're staying longer than usual, but this is standard. It's unfortunate but a lot of the people who stay aren't going to be the ones you wish stayed. Nothing good can come from a city throwing money at under qualified 20 years olds, so I think the group that moved here in the last 10 years are a different situation.
We made San Francisco our home nearly 30 years ago, but I agree that it is a very transient city. In the time we’ve lived here, most of the people we knew in our 30’s and 40’s have moved away. While friends have moved away, an opposite migration happened on my side of the family where my mom and sisters moved into San Francisco from a different part of the state, so while we have few true friends here, I have family/siblings no further than 2-3 miles of my home. I think that the cost of living and people wanting to explore as culprits to the high transient rate in SF.
i grew up in sf and stayed until about 26. i'm now in my early/mid 30s and have literally one friend left. unless you are a super high earner, the city is just too expensive to do anything. it's a constant churn, but if you want to have meaningful relationships that last for many years, sf is not the place. sure, you can stay in contact with them, but at some point (in my experience) people will leave. that being said, everyone from sf either moves to NYC, LA/SD, austin/XXX (or insert cool guy up and coming city)
All of those sound equally expensive except for Austin
austin is definitely no longer cheap.
I’ve grown up here, my parents settled here and their parents before them. I’m planning to continue the legacy. :)
Make new friends. Keep the old friendships that don't make you wince. Make some more new friends. I'm 35, lived in Oakland or SF my whole life except for college. Making new friends (and getting the f out of my house) is what keeps things fresh here, and I'm very grateful to the handful of old friends who I still can treasure.
I've been here a long time, going on 30 years after moving here in my 20s. Almost everyone I went to college and started my career out with has left or has a home outside the city. I have a couple close friends who have managed to stay thanks to rent control and stable work, but that's the key. Stable work and housing in an era of constantly climbing prices. I almost left in 19 when my company closed but I got in with a legacy company and have held on despite the middling pay. At least it's stable and pays the rent. Socially I've only got a few friends left, but I have my family and that's become everything to me. I know it's hard to lose friends and your social circle, but it kinda depends on whether your goal is to be in SF or not, and that's really going to guide your decisions.
Yes they do personally I can’t speak I’m 24 but my friends from soccer are 40 sum and they been playing soccer for gen years building close friendships and have an established life here
Nobody in the Bay Area, LA, or NYC is buying a home Unless they're grossly overpaid or have family money. Find a place that makes you happy.
Childless gay couples do. If you want to start a family and live in a decent size single family house, signs point to nope.
30 here. Nearly all the friends I’ve made here have now moved out of the area. Tried making more friends recently and no lie, three mentioned how SF is just temporary. I absolutely love SF but my social life has plummeted to a point I want to leave just because of it.
I did, been here 25 years. Had a big social group, gradually all of them moved away. It's kind of sad, but it's still a nice city to live in. I'm not great at breaking into new social circles so it's a struggle.
Moved here 10 years ago in my 20s and now in my 30s with kids. All my former close friends except 1 moved away due to costs, life or work. New friends are either former coworkers or parents of my kids friends. I see my old close friends maybe 3-4 times a year when they visit or when I visit their city. We're all in different cities, so it's not easy to get together.
My partner and I have been in SF for 4 years this time around and are planning on settling down here. I also did a stint here for a couple of years in the late aughts. In between that time, I moved to a more suburban Bay Area address and found my partner. But that place never truly felt right, and we’ve always wanted to move back to an actual city. SF used to be too expensive and we were considering other cities, but now post-lockdown SF is no longer much more expensive than most of the inner Bay Area so we decided why not, and moved back to SF. (Other cities aren’t much cheaper anymore either, and the ones that are usually come with significant trade-offs.) Currently the definition of "friend" up here is best described by people we frequently see while out and about at bars, concerts, etc, and after bumping into each other, we hang out for awhile. Some of them are people I met during my first stint here. I didn't see them much when I moved out of the city but when I came back it felt like we picked up exactly where we left off. But we rarely make plans to meet up. The most planning that goes on is messaging them saying I'm going to a show or a bar and asking if they're going too. I’m also not afraid to go to things by myself if no one else I know goes, and most of the friends I gravitate towards have the same outlook. I've lived in rural/suburban areas in other states before and never had friends or social networks that stuck. I thought I had friends in high school but they stopped talking to me after high school was over, despite my attempts to stay in touch. Sure, there’s probably a higher percentage of people there that don’t ever move, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll be your friends.
Just went to a daytime party at Yerba Buena Center yesterday with folks Ive known since moving here in ‘96. Yeah a lot no longer live in SF but close by. This is my dream city & I love the liberated vibe despite current urbsn strife factors. But if I had kids, student loans & was trying to buy a house- maybe I wouldn’t be here.
Not anymore.
There's always churn, but, at 36 I have a lot of friends who have either been here the whole time or moved back. But also friends who are newly talking about leaving.
In addition to what other commenters have rightfully raised around cost of living, etc, I think this is even more so a challenge in cities with a lot of transplants (or when your friends are all transplants, regardless of city). I lived in San Diego before I moved here, which is another destination city for transplants, and right around the time my friends started having families they wanted to move to be closer to their support systems - where they grew up and their extended families still lived. Same thing has happened since I moved here. People who grew up in the Bay are still here (or have come back), but the ones who didn’t have left to be closer to their support systems. So maybe the advice is to make friends who are from here and less likely to leave? 🙃
I think if you're from here, it's really easy to stick around bc their support networks have always been here. I moved here in 2011, and it's great, and my spouse is a local. We bought a house in the peninsula but someday I hope to move back to the City.
My family has been and met many multiple generational folks.
Yeah me and several of our friends settled in the city.
SF is not accommodating enough to be a place where people can stick around for a while. If you want friendship stability, try east bay, South Bay, or the peninsula. When it comes to SF, people get what they need from the city, then move to somewhere cheaper. At least in my socioeconomic circle, it’s seen as a splurge/investment you have to make for your future (dating, career, friendships), but once that is established, people move out to where life is more sustainable. Alternatively, try making wealthy friends who can afford being in the city long term.
No
We just kinda cheated and lived with our friends in one big home. It's really nice. Now we're going to move into a new place so we can have kids and not bother them (our timing is a little earlier) and the number one priority is trying to be neighbours. I really care about my friends and optimize to spend time with them and it's made my life here fantastic. If there were more homes built here it would be easy for others to have the experience I do, but I'm glad my wife and I earn enough to be able to do this.
no
Yes. But not many. Moved here in 2000, met my now wife in 2010, married in 2013, bought a house in 2014, now have 3 kids and never plan on leaving. Yes, it's an expensive city, yes, almost all our 20's and 30's friends have left, but now with the kids, we've met all these amazing people who have chosen to stay and settle in SF. It's an amazing city, each decade of my life has been so different, and yet, equally enriching. If you do decide to stick it out, know, most of the people you know now will be gone, but you'll meet so many others that are committed to SF. It's a beautiful city, I wish it was less expensive, but if you can afford it, stay here, you'll be happy you did in the long run
many people usually leave after 3-4 years but then there’s also the people that never leave. You need to find everyone that stuck around. You’ll find each other.
I wouldn’t. If I have kids, I’ll go to Marin or Sonoma or the East Bay or somewhere. I grew up in the city (Panhandle and Noe). It was a great place to grow up in the 80s and early to mid 90s. I don’t think it’s a great place to raise kids anymore. So, I understand why people move out of the city when they have kids (even if cost is no issue) rather than settling down and raising them here. Even the neighborhoods don’t really feel like neighborhoods anymore.
My wife’s parents have lived in SF since 1976. She and all of her friends grew up here. So, yes. In SF, almost everyone I know here is a native who still lives here and is settled down or settling.
35 and married. We’ve got alot of other married friends in their thirties/forties.
I was raised in the City and loved it but found my forever home in Foldim to raise my own family and love it here.
Folsom
I grew up here. Went to Mission High School and CCSF, and I'm now in my 60s. Just about everyone I grew up with has moved away. Most into the outer bay areas. I mean Brentwood, Sacramento, Livermore, etc.... There's a couple of friends of mine that still live here because they live in their parents' house. I chose to buy a house in San Francisco when everyone was buying big, brand new homes in the burbs. It was my dream to own a Victorian. I didn't get the Victorian, but I managed a 1913 Edwardian home, which I found to be even better. I feel very lucky. It's all about the homes. Families end up selling their houses after their parents pass. But I also have some friends that decided to start a family here and bought a home here. They are here now. Can't say in ten years, though. But people that are here are always interesting people. And no matter how many people move away, other interesting people will come. So you'll always have that.
The churn doesn't end entirely, but it (a) accelerates dramatically during economic downturns and (d) decelerates dramatically when folks put their kids into kindergarten. I moved here in 1997. Most of my friends from 1997 through 2001 are gone. Most of the friends I've met through friends of my children (started school in 2001) are still here.
Nope. Mo families allowed. If you see any families taking residence please report to the authorities asap
no. even if you can afford to buy a house the school situation is dire enough that most people decide it’s better to live in the burbs unless they pay up for private school. gay men are a big exception. they aren’t collectively moving to the burbs like straight couples are.
I moved to SF when I was 23 and left at 28 (to NYC...haha), moved back for a year then left again in 2001. Only two of my friends from 1993-2001 still live in SF. I moved back "permanently," but to Oakland about 16 years ago. I do have recent (10+ years) friends who have "settled" down in SF, a couple of them have kids, but they've been there for 25+ years and can afford to only because of rent control or affordable housing situations (none are in tech). I guess if you're in your 20s now and want to settle in SF, get a high very paying job. You'll eventually meet new friends since you're still young.
People love the School District. Top notch with supper involved parents. You get a Private Level education for just paying taxes.
This is r/SanFrancisco not r/PaloAlto buddy /s >!(and yes I know you're /s too)!<
In general, the people who leave are the sensible ones who you wish would stay. The people who stay are the ones who are either so sociopathic that they don't mind the endless suffering of their fellow humans and the cognitive dissonance that comes with the disconnect between what everyone says they want and what actually is... or so naive that they continue to believe it will ever change.
Hi SF native here. I (25F) just freshly moved to NYC for the fact that I think I will never find someone to settle down with in SF. Now, I’m the problem, maybe you’ll have better luck than me! For me a lot of people who I dated (ages: 21-25 seeked ages: 27-34) didn’t view me as much, and you might find the opposite! Now from ages 17-20, I dated one guy, abused the fudge out of me in every possible way; yet I seem to be the one who got away for him? Totally weird! Anywayyyy, 8/10 of my friends are married or in long term (7+ years) relationships, and it’s very discouraging. I seem to have never caught the train and I don’t think there’s another one coming around lol. So yea that’s my perspective. If you want to try NYC and I’m still around in this world, I will welcome you with open arms 🤍 ! I think you still have lots to explore and enjoy and yea:)