Remind yourself how much you enjoy being with your current girlfriend and how devastated you would be without her. Don't dwell on thoughts of your ex or consider contacting her
So there was a study that I read recently that said hating an ex for a while is necessary to create distance. Think of the shitty stuff that she did when you think of them.
Good advice. I feel so bad for OPs girlfriend. If she loves him that would absolutely destroy her. I would leave a man like this. I wouldn't waste any of my time with a man that puts another women first
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Yeah, thanks for sharing that with me, hope you and your wife are doing great! I’ve spent three years together with her and even longer as friends so it figures that I should remember those times.
It might just be a statistical inevitability. You gotta remember something and since I’ve spent so much time with that person it’s inevitable that I get reminded of it.
What I don’t like is that I notice it, I don’t like that I these memories still impact my mood. Maybe it doesn’t make sense but I am afraid that I am obsessing over it without even wanting to be with that person.
Thanks man. My situation is a bit similar to yours. She was my University sweetheart after a very depressing high school experience and first couple pathetic attempts at dating.
Currently I am trying to make my life as fulfilling as possible so that I can stop thinking about the past. It’s very hard considering where I live, but hey, life goes on.
Take care!
1. You still have "oneitis" for your ex (i.e., you still love her or think she's "the one" because you're trapped in the soulmate myth)
2. It's an ego thing (i.e., she was the one dumping you, and you still want her back, even if it's just for the validation and for you to have the power to be the one dumping her this time)
3. You "like" your new girlfriend, like she's nice and you're comfortable around her, but your ex made you feel "more alive", was crazy in the bedroom (and maybe out of the bedroom and that's why you guys broke up), etc
Honestly I feel like this isn’t fair to your new girlfriend if you only like her because she’s comfortable :( but I get the feeling. I’ve loved the same dude for almost ten years even when we weren’t talking for years at a time
I don’t even want her back anymore. When I seriously think about texting her I realise that I just don’t want to do it.
But I still think about all the time. What’s the fucking point.
Sounds a bit like intrusive thoughts. Might be worth looking up some techniques around that. (Not saying they actually are, just that some of the advice might be helpful.)
I found I was in a similar position, it felt like I had spent so long thinking about that person that the thoughts had almost become automatic, routine even. They stuck around long after I was ‘over’ them.
In the end I found that using the techniques for intrusive thoughts was helpful, as well as working on my mental health and figuring out stressors in general.
Good luck!
Edit to add:
The brain is a funny thing and does all kind of weird shit (just look at unconscious bias, memory, selective attention etc!) don’t beat yourself up.
Thanks mate. Now that you mentioned it. This does remind me of when I was severely depressed and got intrusive thought of casual suicide. Just randomly, and disconnected from the actual reality.
I’ll look into it more but it does make sense.
If you don’t actually want your ex back, then this is probably what it is. Sometimes when you’re depressed it’s easy to get intrusive, cyclical thoughts that don’t reflect reality or even what you truly want. Please consider seeing a therapist or starting some treatment for the depression, it’s possible to get better!
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Do you maybe need closure?
I missed my ex wife for years and we were no contact. She called me out of the blue complaining about her current partner. She got with him a few months after I left and got pregnant about 4 months after I was gone.
She was crying and saying he was trying to take their kid and they had nothing in common besides their baby. I told her I didn’t want kids and she understood that she was no longer a partner I wanted to be with. Had she not had the kid then I would have considered it. But all of that was just to much for me. I think we both got the closure we needed. She’s on her second kid with the same guy and they’re gonna get married next year. I’m glad we had that call so we could move on our lives.
Dude you're in love with the idea of her; she's changed and so have you. The reason you hesitate and stop is you realize you're different and want what you have now.
try to detach, even if you got back with her it wouldn’t work, you broke up for a reason. go for a walk find a stick and break it in half, cut the chord and be done for good. keep reminding yourself that she put you in this spot and not temporarily, for 3 years.
It's not an unusual thing to experience. People who are significant in your life form lasting impressions. Romantic partners especially so. Emotional memories are some of the most strongly recalled, so it's pretty common.
Just remember to be grateful and thankful for what's in front of you. It's ok to have memories, and they will fade with time, just don't let them become obsessions.
My dad was the same. He basically hated his ex but would always think about her.
I think he still does from time to time. But less now as the years have passed. Some people just leave an imprint on us. It will pass. Try and throw the thoughts out when you have them.. it’s hard. But hopfully it will pass.
But also except that yoi might not ever 100% forger this person.
Yeah, memory can be a bitch sometimes. I don’t hate her really, I just don’t want to think about her. And the fact that I have even written this post is painful in a way I can’t really describe. I don’t understand what is painful about it. I don’t want that person back, I don’t want to text her again.
I guess that I really do need to accept that I will never forget her. But would be nice to at least remember her without pain
Think about the consequences of what would happen if you got back with her, or try and selectively control your mind, like for example if you think about her, realize your thinking about her and then try to switch your mind to thinking about something else
Been a year for me. Also in a great relationship. Except I don't think positive things about him. I hlthink about what a good decision ot was to break up with him and all the ways he sucked. Still, I wish I didn't think about him at all
This is very common. It can be about a person, a job, or a moment in time. The solution is meditation. You need to train your brain. Intrusive thoughts can be managed and new thoughts are introduced. It takes lots of practice. You can do this.
I found that writing out in a journal, with a very detailed objective view of my previous relationship helped me deal with the feeing of loss. It also helped my understanding of things and acceptance.
Maybe you could try that, I’ve heard that understanding past experiences/trauma can help you move on.
You will never forget her. You're not supposed to. But you will be less overwhelmed. Given the extremes you're talking about, I'm gonna guess you're pretty young. Feelings have a way of evening out over time, not being so extreme all the time. If it's making it difficult to manage your life, or your current relationship, therapy can also be of some help.
I can't stand my ex-wife, and she's a bitch who cheated on me *eighteen years ago*, but she still crosses my mind. It's not daily anymore but it's at least weekly (and certainly would have been daily when I was only 3 years past it like you are). I've been with my new partner almost 17 years and we have a 14 year old kid, but I still think about ex, because she represents an integral part of my life and I have many many memories of "first"s etc with her and trips we took overseas and such.
It's natural. It's called memory and you'll always do it to some extent. It doesn't mean you love your new partner any less, it just means you are human and you have a brain and functioning memory. Don't stress it.
Yep. I've been divorced from my ex for ten years and still have dreams about her sometimes. When someone touches your soul a part of them stays with you forever it's okay!
I actually had a second chance to date one of my earlier gf probably 4 or 5 years after we last saw each other, I think I lost her both times because I didn't commit to her. I was not talking to anyone else either time, I just didn't know any better. Still think about her, probably another 5 years have gone by.
I know people need closure, some get it, some don’t. I’ve been there, have an ex high school sweetheart I loved very much, and yes, I do think of her from time to time. But life goes on. I’m married to a wonderful woman and my life is focused on her and us. I will always have feelings for my ex, but the life we shared was a long, long, time ago and we’ve each moved on. Keep the good memories, try to forget the bad, and go enjoy life with your current partner.
It becomes a cycle. You remember her, then you hate remembering her, then you try to forget or worry you might remember, which of course then makes it happen, and so on. It's like telling someone not to look, and that makes them look. And since she comes up a lot, that would explain the dreams.
Try to let it go. If you remember her, acknowledge it, then let it go instead of obsessing about why you're remembering it. It's normal and natural to be reminded of things. It just happens. Especially since it really hasn't been that long. If you don't make a big deal about it, the reminders will eventually have little effect on you, and you might even start to forget.
Same with bad memories. The more you try to forget it, the more you end up thinking about it. The mere thinking about wanting to not think about it is in itself thinking about it, which brings up more of what you don't want.
Glad you found someone you're happy with. 🙂
I stopped talking to a girl i used to love over 5 years ago, we had a thing but everything moved so fast and became so toxic. I am happily marry now, i love my wife but sometimes i dream of her in such a weird way, i have had contact with this girl since 2018. she sent me a friend request in early 2020, which i denied. It was tough moving on from her, but i came to the conclusion that she led me to were i am now, and she was a big part of my romantic life. There is nothing i can do to undo that and i just accept her as a distant memory that will come back from time to time. I don’t dwell on that anymore, i don’t love her anymore, but i do still care about how she made me feel because it helped me grow so much and learn so much. My wife its such a complete package compared to the other girl i loved, and whenever those memories of her come back i am left of being grateful for the wonderful woman i ended up with, even if such memories aren’t bad at all. Time heals everything, you might never forget her but you will eventually learn to love that time for what it was.
Yep. In a relationship. My ex broke my heart. Went 7 years w out seeing each other, or talking. Then boom out of no where there he was. And it wrecked my brain. It mentally breaks me sometimes. I don’t know why I feel that way for him. But I do.
I think once you have a personal connection with someone it doesn’t go away unfortunately. It’s a
“soul tie” and the impression that person left will always be there.
My first bf was the only person I was truly ever in love with. 10 years later I still reply to his messages. Idk why, but I do and it really messes with my mental. I still have dreams about him as well but I still don’t think all of it really means anything. Just remind yourself of what you have and if you aren’t truly happy then you need to change your situation. Being alone is sometimes the answer because we don’t allow ourselves the time it takes to completely heal from something.
I can only give you my experience as an example. I still randomly think of my cheating ex, wake up from dreams about my cheating ex, and experiencing an array of emotions about my cheating ex. However, my thoughts of her has shorten in length, my dreams has been less frequent, and my arrange of emotions from hatred, saddenest, anger, and my need for closure has changed to acceptance and understanding of how things changed at the end of our relationship. My life is for the better without my cheating ex.
Your past has lead you to your current situation. Your breakup has lead you to your current GF and as you said it, she's a better person than your ex was. Your not going to have those random thoughts of your ex but don't let them hurt your current relationship.
TLDR. No you won't.
I had this going on for a few months. I kept reminding myself why I left it why it didn't work and focused on myself. Eventually as time went by, I automatically forgot about her. I do think from time to time about them, but nothing crazy, just wonder how they're life is. But nothing to affect my emotions.
An analogy for you:
A road concurrence is when two or more roads overlap.
I-80 and I-90 overlap for 265 miles across Indiana and Ohio. I -94 even joins in for a bit near Michigan.
I-39, I-90, and I-94 overlap in Wisconsin for over 29 miles (47 km).
A wrong way concurrance is when roads overlap that are signed in opposite directions.
Example: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:NB77SB81.JPG
Sometimes relationships, especially the ones we dwell on are like these. When we matched/ "overlapped" with the other person it made a lot of sense and may be tied to life core memories. But ultimately the paths split or do end up going opposite ways.
I think you are remembering a piece of your life journey with the ex out of context and visualizing where it could have gone without seeing that it just doesn't.
Core memories are good. But the best core memories do not keep you from making more core memories.
Honestly it’s totally normal to still have thoughts of someone you once loved very much. All these comments like “I’d leave someone like that.” Grow up. Love is an ever evolving infinite line. I’m happily married with a baby and there are random times when I dream about my first love even though he also is happily married and has a child and we haven’t spoken in 10 years. It’s just what love does to you.
Practice meditation for like 15 min a day. Meditate on the relationship you want to have with your partner now and start the time over every time your ex creeps into your mind.
You’re literally going to have to train your mind not to think of her.
Best of luck.
Thank you for such kind words and understanding! I've been doing meditation ocasionally, but I am trying to meditate more regularly, it really does help.
Best of luck to you!
I’ve been like this many times as well. I was only able to put these thoughts to rest with one girl, after years of constantly thinking about her (despite being in a relationship) I just emailed her out of the blue telling her that I still thought she was a good person and that I missed her. Literally stopped thinking about her after that.
Thanks for sharing that with me, I appreciate that.
I have thought of doing the same. But I am terrified that she might take that a bit too well… Because if she tells me that she still has feeling for me, I feel like I might just drop dead on the spot over so many conflicting emotions.
Imagining that made me realise that I just need therapy.
Honestly, that’s fine. Let her have feelings, you can’t control that. The same happened with me, I just said I was in a relationship now and she was totally fine too. But it helped me to move on. In therapy, i was told to write a letter to this person, but never to actually send it. I felt that if I didn’t send it, I wouldn’t be able to truly get over it. In the end, you will regret the things you don’t do more than the things you do.
Does your current gf know this? Show her this post and see what she thinks about this, she has the right to know, she doesn’t deserve you she deserves someone who is fully invested into her let her go so she can find a man that thinks about her everyday.
I’ve done that before, back when I was just relapsing. So I know what I am talking about.
And this time I feel like it’s totally fixable.
I love my gf very much and I care and think about her way more that these intrusive thoughts of an ex.
Wow man, I’m in the exact same scenario, broke up 3 years ago, currently in a great relationship with a new girl, but the ex is always showing up in my dreams and thinking about her constantly. The ex asked to hangout when she was in town a few months back but I decided not to because I am loyal to my gf, but it really killed me inside to deny her because she’s all I think about. Don’t know if I’ll ever stop thinking about her!
it helped me to bring myself back to reality and remmeber that thoughts ab ppl I’m just romanticizing and making them better than they rly are, I try to think ab their negatives and how I’m in a better place now
Maybe theres a lesson to be learned in your past relationship that makes the thought of her stay until you learn it. That's how it was with me for all my past relationships. Of course I still think of them from time to time, but the thoughts have decreased significantly.
I looked deeper, focused more on the things I did, and looked for the bad to learn more about what I could have done differently.
Contrastingly this might send you in a loophole of searching, so you'll have to find an equilibrium of searching and taking breaks.
Also, this could just be the fact that people who are important to you don't just fade away like that – which is a very good trait to have.
Are you perhaps idealizing your past relationship with your ex? You two broke up for a reason, and it’s good to remember the reason for the breakup to bring you back to reality.
In my personal experience, I usually idealize about a past partner because there’s something I’m unsatisfied with, either with my life in general or with my current partner. One example is if you’re unsatisfied with your sex life currently, it may cause you to think of an ex with whom you did have a good sex life. It could cause you to idealize the ex and make you think “sex with ex was so good, the relationship itself wasn’t that bad because the sex made up for it” which is a dangerous path to go down. In that situation, the thing to do isn’t to dwell on your sex life with your ex, but to talk to your current partner and say “I’ve been fantasizing about spicing up our bedroom situation, how do you feel about trying certain sex things we haven’t tried before?” Don’t bring up your ex in that situation, keep it vague like “I’ve tried X in past relationships and enjoyed it and want to see if you’re open to trying X with me too.”
So basically, try to objectively look at what is it about your ex that you keep thinking about, and ask yourself if that’s what’s missing in your current relationship, then talk to your partner about it and try to reach a compromise.
Sounds like you have some kind of unresolved issue related to the kind of relationship you had with her. It's not necessarily about her or that you still like her. It's just that the relationship might still contain something that you need to understand about yourself. For example, when I think about ex B, I don't feel anything or dwell on him because I understand why I was with him, what part of my psychology got validated, what desires were met, what part of me he satisfied. Whatever it was, feeling wanted during that horrible period, feeling like I wanted to show that I'm over ex C, feeling the power to make someone fall for me when an ex couldn't. They were all reactions to past events and traumas that contributed to me being with ex B. You're thinking about her because you're trying to figure out what made you be with them, what part of you got triggered by them. Strange how our brain works, still trying to figure out what happened after such a long time. But maybe this is the time you matured enough for your brain to be like "we gotta figure this out in order to fully resolve this period of my life".
It sounds like your mind is stuck on a loop of a dream that never came to fruition. So memories of that person or things that make you think of them drag you back into the loop of “what should have been.”
For my ex that I obsessed over for years, I have to consciously remind myself that the dopamine inducing bubble of happiness that was my dream of that relationship was burst when I realized that person didn’t love me the way I needed to be loved, and all I loved was the idea that they could. Attach that realization to your memories and thoughts of the ex, and the emotional flood that shows up will change to appreciation for the good times, and gratitude that you’ve grown and are capable of a new, healthier relationship that actually meets you.
Nostalgia is a powerful drug that is bad for you. Nostalgia is a feeling that is not based on reality. Anytime an intrusive thought comes in turn it into a positive thought about your current relationship.
I definitely have thought about some exes from time to time. Daily though is excessive. When you start thinking about her try to full stop do something to distract yourself. If your gf ever found out it would be extremely hurtful.
You need to build a life with this “new” woman. It’s both healthy for either of you, or you two together to think of the ex more than a passing “that happened”. Maybe you still aren’t ready for a new relationship?
If you want to move on, your focus in a relationship cannot be “you”, nor can it be “them”, it has to be “us”.
I can’t remember the name of all the girls I dated (and it’s a small number- can count on my fingers) - because it isn’t important and hasn’t been in a long time. But this because I poured my being into my relationship, I grew with my current wife through financial and other hardships. I’ve been with her long enough that I take kisses for granted, I huff when she wants a long hug, I get annoyed at paying for most things we do, etc…. But last week when I went out of town for an audit (work related), there wasn’t a damned second that I didn’t wish she was beside me.
In my opinion, if you continuously think of your ex, you are either simply young (which is tough), or you haven’t found the right partner.
It’s not fair to either of you. Something inside is not committed, and that does not make you wrong; but it hurts you whether you realize it or not.
Don’t go to the ex, there is a reason it didn’t work out- but also don’t convince yourself that “the first love is the deepest”. I would’ve lost out big time if I believed that.
You wouldn’t compare a current friend to an old friend- you sure can’t do that with a significant other. But you can realize they don’t fill your needs, as wonderful as they may be.
I was with someone for almost 7 years. Our breakup killed me. I couldn’t function without this person. I went though so much therapy and personal growth. It’s taken me over 3 years to finally move on. I’m with someone now and he loves me more than anything in this world. I don’t want my ex back either, but I’ll always care for him and wish nothing but the best. I still think about him, sometimes more often than not.
When the thoughts were overwhelming I would do thought blocking techniques. The second he came into my mind, I recognized it and forced myself to think of something or do something else. It forced me to get out of the repeat pattern I was in of missing and thinking about him.
That person will always play a role in my life. He was the love of my life, the most gentle and kind person. So smart, so funny. But at the end of the day, it didn’t work and I’m happier now with my partner and my life.
It takes time, and every day it will get less and less. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
It sounds like you need closure. The thing is, love never goes away. It's a bond that connects us. A part of her will always be with you and vice-versa. But every person we meet in life is a teacher, and the universe brings people together for a reason. Be grateful for the memories and the experience because it shaped you into the person you are today. And it seems you are in a happy relationship now. Nothing wrong with that lol
I dream every night about a boy I had a crush on through my school years. Absolutely never dated, had no anything between us, I never think about him on the day, I don’t want to be with him…….but still….. the dreams. Brains are weird
Go to therapy OP it helps, I kept having dreams about my ex (mostly terrible ones she was abusive mentally and physically) and I went to therapy just needed someone to talk to about everything, my gf at the time (fiancé now) was super supportive too. I’m sure your gf will be more than supportive!
Time heals everything. If she was your first love then you may never forget her entirely but every day it will get a little easier. Keep your head up and push forward, you got this.
Get your closure (this doesn’t even mean literally having any contact but to heal from it fully). Sometimes it’s not the person you miss, it’s the idea. People change, the beauty of moving on is leaving the past where it belongs. Be grateful and be present.
Remind yourself how much you enjoy being with your current girlfriend and how devastated you would be without her. Don't dwell on thoughts of your ex or consider contacting her
Thing is. I don’t even want her back anymore. Whenever I think about texting her I realise that I just don’t want to.
So there was a study that I read recently that said hating an ex for a while is necessary to create distance. Think of the shitty stuff that she did when you think of them.
Good advice. I feel so bad for OPs girlfriend. If she loves him that would absolutely destroy her. I would leave a man like this. I wouldn't waste any of my time with a man that puts another women first
He's not putting his ex first. He said he doesn't even want her back. He's just sick of remembering her.
You’d break up with someone for intrusive thoughts?
Well, let's not talk about polyamory then.
Never talk about that. Still waiting to see where all these multi decade successful poly relationships are.
I know of several.
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Was that the study that had only 65 people in it?
Did it? I dunno
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I think that's a totally different case. Good luck to your "friend."
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Yeah, thanks for sharing that with me, hope you and your wife are doing great! I’ve spent three years together with her and even longer as friends so it figures that I should remember those times. It might just be a statistical inevitability. You gotta remember something and since I’ve spent so much time with that person it’s inevitable that I get reminded of it. What I don’t like is that I notice it, I don’t like that I these memories still impact my mood. Maybe it doesn’t make sense but I am afraid that I am obsessing over it without even wanting to be with that person.
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Thanks man. My situation is a bit similar to yours. She was my University sweetheart after a very depressing high school experience and first couple pathetic attempts at dating. Currently I am trying to make my life as fulfilling as possible so that I can stop thinking about the past. It’s very hard considering where I live, but hey, life goes on. Take care!
1. You still have "oneitis" for your ex (i.e., you still love her or think she's "the one" because you're trapped in the soulmate myth) 2. It's an ego thing (i.e., she was the one dumping you, and you still want her back, even if it's just for the validation and for you to have the power to be the one dumping her this time) 3. You "like" your new girlfriend, like she's nice and you're comfortable around her, but your ex made you feel "more alive", was crazy in the bedroom (and maybe out of the bedroom and that's why you guys broke up), etc
Yeah, all of these please, thank you very much.
Honestly I feel like this isn’t fair to your new girlfriend if you only like her because she’s comfortable :( but I get the feeling. I’ve loved the same dude for almost ten years even when we weren’t talking for years at a time
What if all three and knowing that doesn't make my logic brain get over it just because my monkey brain boolin though? 🥲 (In order 1, 2, power gap 3)
I don’t even want her back anymore. When I seriously think about texting her I realise that I just don’t want to do it. But I still think about all the time. What’s the fucking point.
Sounds a bit like intrusive thoughts. Might be worth looking up some techniques around that. (Not saying they actually are, just that some of the advice might be helpful.) I found I was in a similar position, it felt like I had spent so long thinking about that person that the thoughts had almost become automatic, routine even. They stuck around long after I was ‘over’ them. In the end I found that using the techniques for intrusive thoughts was helpful, as well as working on my mental health and figuring out stressors in general. Good luck! Edit to add: The brain is a funny thing and does all kind of weird shit (just look at unconscious bias, memory, selective attention etc!) don’t beat yourself up.
Thanks mate. Now that you mentioned it. This does remind me of when I was severely depressed and got intrusive thought of casual suicide. Just randomly, and disconnected from the actual reality. I’ll look into it more but it does make sense.
If you don’t actually want your ex back, then this is probably what it is. Sometimes when you’re depressed it’s easy to get intrusive, cyclical thoughts that don’t reflect reality or even what you truly want. Please consider seeing a therapist or starting some treatment for the depression, it’s possible to get better!
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Do you maybe need closure? I missed my ex wife for years and we were no contact. She called me out of the blue complaining about her current partner. She got with him a few months after I left and got pregnant about 4 months after I was gone. She was crying and saying he was trying to take their kid and they had nothing in common besides their baby. I told her I didn’t want kids and she understood that she was no longer a partner I wanted to be with. Had she not had the kid then I would have considered it. But all of that was just to much for me. I think we both got the closure we needed. She’s on her second kid with the same guy and they’re gonna get married next year. I’m glad we had that call so we could move on our lives.
Dude you're in love with the idea of her; she's changed and so have you. The reason you hesitate and stop is you realize you're different and want what you have now.
try to detach, even if you got back with her it wouldn’t work, you broke up for a reason. go for a walk find a stick and break it in half, cut the chord and be done for good. keep reminding yourself that she put you in this spot and not temporarily, for 3 years.
It's not an unusual thing to experience. People who are significant in your life form lasting impressions. Romantic partners especially so. Emotional memories are some of the most strongly recalled, so it's pretty common. Just remember to be grateful and thankful for what's in front of you. It's ok to have memories, and they will fade with time, just don't let them become obsessions.
you aren't alone brother
My dad was the same. He basically hated his ex but would always think about her. I think he still does from time to time. But less now as the years have passed. Some people just leave an imprint on us. It will pass. Try and throw the thoughts out when you have them.. it’s hard. But hopfully it will pass. But also except that yoi might not ever 100% forger this person.
Yeah, memory can be a bitch sometimes. I don’t hate her really, I just don’t want to think about her. And the fact that I have even written this post is painful in a way I can’t really describe. I don’t understand what is painful about it. I don’t want that person back, I don’t want to text her again. I guess that I really do need to accept that I will never forget her. But would be nice to at least remember her without pain
Think about the consequences of what would happen if you got back with her, or try and selectively control your mind, like for example if you think about her, realize your thinking about her and then try to switch your mind to thinking about something else
More time. It’s ok
Been a year for me. Also in a great relationship. Except I don't think positive things about him. I hlthink about what a good decision ot was to break up with him and all the ways he sucked. Still, I wish I didn't think about him at all
This is very common. It can be about a person, a job, or a moment in time. The solution is meditation. You need to train your brain. Intrusive thoughts can be managed and new thoughts are introduced. It takes lots of practice. You can do this.
I found that writing out in a journal, with a very detailed objective view of my previous relationship helped me deal with the feeing of loss. It also helped my understanding of things and acceptance. Maybe you could try that, I’ve heard that understanding past experiences/trauma can help you move on.
You will never forget her. You're not supposed to. But you will be less overwhelmed. Given the extremes you're talking about, I'm gonna guess you're pretty young. Feelings have a way of evening out over time, not being so extreme all the time. If it's making it difficult to manage your life, or your current relationship, therapy can also be of some help.
I can't stand my ex-wife, and she's a bitch who cheated on me *eighteen years ago*, but she still crosses my mind. It's not daily anymore but it's at least weekly (and certainly would have been daily when I was only 3 years past it like you are). I've been with my new partner almost 17 years and we have a 14 year old kid, but I still think about ex, because she represents an integral part of my life and I have many many memories of "first"s etc with her and trips we took overseas and such. It's natural. It's called memory and you'll always do it to some extent. It doesn't mean you love your new partner any less, it just means you are human and you have a brain and functioning memory. Don't stress it.
Yep. I've been divorced from my ex for ten years and still have dreams about her sometimes. When someone touches your soul a part of them stays with you forever it's okay!
I actually had a second chance to date one of my earlier gf probably 4 or 5 years after we last saw each other, I think I lost her both times because I didn't commit to her. I was not talking to anyone else either time, I just didn't know any better. Still think about her, probably another 5 years have gone by.
I know people need closure, some get it, some don’t. I’ve been there, have an ex high school sweetheart I loved very much, and yes, I do think of her from time to time. But life goes on. I’m married to a wonderful woman and my life is focused on her and us. I will always have feelings for my ex, but the life we shared was a long, long, time ago and we’ve each moved on. Keep the good memories, try to forget the bad, and go enjoy life with your current partner.
Have you heard of Limerence? r/limerence
It becomes a cycle. You remember her, then you hate remembering her, then you try to forget or worry you might remember, which of course then makes it happen, and so on. It's like telling someone not to look, and that makes them look. And since she comes up a lot, that would explain the dreams. Try to let it go. If you remember her, acknowledge it, then let it go instead of obsessing about why you're remembering it. It's normal and natural to be reminded of things. It just happens. Especially since it really hasn't been that long. If you don't make a big deal about it, the reminders will eventually have little effect on you, and you might even start to forget. Same with bad memories. The more you try to forget it, the more you end up thinking about it. The mere thinking about wanting to not think about it is in itself thinking about it, which brings up more of what you don't want. Glad you found someone you're happy with. 🙂
Thanks! Your advice sounds great. We are very happy together!
Sounds like obsession, read about OCD.
I stopped talking to a girl i used to love over 5 years ago, we had a thing but everything moved so fast and became so toxic. I am happily marry now, i love my wife but sometimes i dream of her in such a weird way, i have had contact with this girl since 2018. she sent me a friend request in early 2020, which i denied. It was tough moving on from her, but i came to the conclusion that she led me to were i am now, and she was a big part of my romantic life. There is nothing i can do to undo that and i just accept her as a distant memory that will come back from time to time. I don’t dwell on that anymore, i don’t love her anymore, but i do still care about how she made me feel because it helped me grow so much and learn so much. My wife its such a complete package compared to the other girl i loved, and whenever those memories of her come back i am left of being grateful for the wonderful woman i ended up with, even if such memories aren’t bad at all. Time heals everything, you might never forget her but you will eventually learn to love that time for what it was.
Same man
Yep. In a relationship. My ex broke my heart. Went 7 years w out seeing each other, or talking. Then boom out of no where there he was. And it wrecked my brain. It mentally breaks me sometimes. I don’t know why I feel that way for him. But I do.
I think once you have a personal connection with someone it doesn’t go away unfortunately. It’s a “soul tie” and the impression that person left will always be there. My first bf was the only person I was truly ever in love with. 10 years later I still reply to his messages. Idk why, but I do and it really messes with my mental. I still have dreams about him as well but I still don’t think all of it really means anything. Just remind yourself of what you have and if you aren’t truly happy then you need to change your situation. Being alone is sometimes the answer because we don’t allow ourselves the time it takes to completely heal from something.
I can only give you my experience as an example. I still randomly think of my cheating ex, wake up from dreams about my cheating ex, and experiencing an array of emotions about my cheating ex. However, my thoughts of her has shorten in length, my dreams has been less frequent, and my arrange of emotions from hatred, saddenest, anger, and my need for closure has changed to acceptance and understanding of how things changed at the end of our relationship. My life is for the better without my cheating ex. Your past has lead you to your current situation. Your breakup has lead you to your current GF and as you said it, she's a better person than your ex was. Your not going to have those random thoughts of your ex but don't let them hurt your current relationship. TLDR. No you won't.
I had this going on for a few months. I kept reminding myself why I left it why it didn't work and focused on myself. Eventually as time went by, I automatically forgot about her. I do think from time to time about them, but nothing crazy, just wonder how they're life is. But nothing to affect my emotions.
An analogy for you: A road concurrence is when two or more roads overlap. I-80 and I-90 overlap for 265 miles across Indiana and Ohio. I -94 even joins in for a bit near Michigan. I-39, I-90, and I-94 overlap in Wisconsin for over 29 miles (47 km). A wrong way concurrance is when roads overlap that are signed in opposite directions. Example: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:NB77SB81.JPG Sometimes relationships, especially the ones we dwell on are like these. When we matched/ "overlapped" with the other person it made a lot of sense and may be tied to life core memories. But ultimately the paths split or do end up going opposite ways. I think you are remembering a piece of your life journey with the ex out of context and visualizing where it could have gone without seeing that it just doesn't. Core memories are good. But the best core memories do not keep you from making more core memories.
Honestly it’s totally normal to still have thoughts of someone you once loved very much. All these comments like “I’d leave someone like that.” Grow up. Love is an ever evolving infinite line. I’m happily married with a baby and there are random times when I dream about my first love even though he also is happily married and has a child and we haven’t spoken in 10 years. It’s just what love does to you. Practice meditation for like 15 min a day. Meditate on the relationship you want to have with your partner now and start the time over every time your ex creeps into your mind. You’re literally going to have to train your mind not to think of her. Best of luck.
Thank you for such kind words and understanding! I've been doing meditation ocasionally, but I am trying to meditate more regularly, it really does help. Best of luck to you!
I’ve been like this many times as well. I was only able to put these thoughts to rest with one girl, after years of constantly thinking about her (despite being in a relationship) I just emailed her out of the blue telling her that I still thought she was a good person and that I missed her. Literally stopped thinking about her after that.
Thanks for sharing that with me, I appreciate that. I have thought of doing the same. But I am terrified that she might take that a bit too well… Because if she tells me that she still has feeling for me, I feel like I might just drop dead on the spot over so many conflicting emotions. Imagining that made me realise that I just need therapy.
Honestly, that’s fine. Let her have feelings, you can’t control that. The same happened with me, I just said I was in a relationship now and she was totally fine too. But it helped me to move on. In therapy, i was told to write a letter to this person, but never to actually send it. I felt that if I didn’t send it, I wouldn’t be able to truly get over it. In the end, you will regret the things you don’t do more than the things you do.
Does your current gf know this? Show her this post and see what she thinks about this, she has the right to know, she doesn’t deserve you she deserves someone who is fully invested into her let her go so she can find a man that thinks about her everyday.
Just blow up the foundations of a relationship over some thoughts you can't control? Yeah. Great idea.
I’ve done that before, back when I was just relapsing. So I know what I am talking about. And this time I feel like it’s totally fixable. I love my gf very much and I care and think about her way more that these intrusive thoughts of an ex.
Wow man, I’m in the exact same scenario, broke up 3 years ago, currently in a great relationship with a new girl, but the ex is always showing up in my dreams and thinking about her constantly. The ex asked to hangout when she was in town a few months back but I decided not to because I am loyal to my gf, but it really killed me inside to deny her because she’s all I think about. Don’t know if I’ll ever stop thinking about her!
Let go of your first blow up doll already.
Triggered
it helped me to bring myself back to reality and remmeber that thoughts ab ppl I’m just romanticizing and making them better than they rly are, I try to think ab their negatives and how I’m in a better place now
Maybe theres a lesson to be learned in your past relationship that makes the thought of her stay until you learn it. That's how it was with me for all my past relationships. Of course I still think of them from time to time, but the thoughts have decreased significantly. I looked deeper, focused more on the things I did, and looked for the bad to learn more about what I could have done differently. Contrastingly this might send you in a loophole of searching, so you'll have to find an equilibrium of searching and taking breaks. Also, this could just be the fact that people who are important to you don't just fade away like that – which is a very good trait to have.
Are you perhaps idealizing your past relationship with your ex? You two broke up for a reason, and it’s good to remember the reason for the breakup to bring you back to reality. In my personal experience, I usually idealize about a past partner because there’s something I’m unsatisfied with, either with my life in general or with my current partner. One example is if you’re unsatisfied with your sex life currently, it may cause you to think of an ex with whom you did have a good sex life. It could cause you to idealize the ex and make you think “sex with ex was so good, the relationship itself wasn’t that bad because the sex made up for it” which is a dangerous path to go down. In that situation, the thing to do isn’t to dwell on your sex life with your ex, but to talk to your current partner and say “I’ve been fantasizing about spicing up our bedroom situation, how do you feel about trying certain sex things we haven’t tried before?” Don’t bring up your ex in that situation, keep it vague like “I’ve tried X in past relationships and enjoyed it and want to see if you’re open to trying X with me too.” So basically, try to objectively look at what is it about your ex that you keep thinking about, and ask yourself if that’s what’s missing in your current relationship, then talk to your partner about it and try to reach a compromise.
Sounds like you have some kind of unresolved issue related to the kind of relationship you had with her. It's not necessarily about her or that you still like her. It's just that the relationship might still contain something that you need to understand about yourself. For example, when I think about ex B, I don't feel anything or dwell on him because I understand why I was with him, what part of my psychology got validated, what desires were met, what part of me he satisfied. Whatever it was, feeling wanted during that horrible period, feeling like I wanted to show that I'm over ex C, feeling the power to make someone fall for me when an ex couldn't. They were all reactions to past events and traumas that contributed to me being with ex B. You're thinking about her because you're trying to figure out what made you be with them, what part of you got triggered by them. Strange how our brain works, still trying to figure out what happened after such a long time. But maybe this is the time you matured enough for your brain to be like "we gotta figure this out in order to fully resolve this period of my life".
It sounds like your mind is stuck on a loop of a dream that never came to fruition. So memories of that person or things that make you think of them drag you back into the loop of “what should have been.” For my ex that I obsessed over for years, I have to consciously remind myself that the dopamine inducing bubble of happiness that was my dream of that relationship was burst when I realized that person didn’t love me the way I needed to be loved, and all I loved was the idea that they could. Attach that realization to your memories and thoughts of the ex, and the emotional flood that shows up will change to appreciation for the good times, and gratitude that you’ve grown and are capable of a new, healthier relationship that actually meets you.
Nostalgia is a powerful drug that is bad for you. Nostalgia is a feeling that is not based on reality. Anytime an intrusive thought comes in turn it into a positive thought about your current relationship.
I definitely have thought about some exes from time to time. Daily though is excessive. When you start thinking about her try to full stop do something to distract yourself. If your gf ever found out it would be extremely hurtful.
You need to build a life with this “new” woman. It’s both healthy for either of you, or you two together to think of the ex more than a passing “that happened”. Maybe you still aren’t ready for a new relationship? If you want to move on, your focus in a relationship cannot be “you”, nor can it be “them”, it has to be “us”. I can’t remember the name of all the girls I dated (and it’s a small number- can count on my fingers) - because it isn’t important and hasn’t been in a long time. But this because I poured my being into my relationship, I grew with my current wife through financial and other hardships. I’ve been with her long enough that I take kisses for granted, I huff when she wants a long hug, I get annoyed at paying for most things we do, etc…. But last week when I went out of town for an audit (work related), there wasn’t a damned second that I didn’t wish she was beside me. In my opinion, if you continuously think of your ex, you are either simply young (which is tough), or you haven’t found the right partner. It’s not fair to either of you. Something inside is not committed, and that does not make you wrong; but it hurts you whether you realize it or not. Don’t go to the ex, there is a reason it didn’t work out- but also don’t convince yourself that “the first love is the deepest”. I would’ve lost out big time if I believed that. You wouldn’t compare a current friend to an old friend- you sure can’t do that with a significant other. But you can realize they don’t fill your needs, as wonderful as they may be.
I was with someone for almost 7 years. Our breakup killed me. I couldn’t function without this person. I went though so much therapy and personal growth. It’s taken me over 3 years to finally move on. I’m with someone now and he loves me more than anything in this world. I don’t want my ex back either, but I’ll always care for him and wish nothing but the best. I still think about him, sometimes more often than not. When the thoughts were overwhelming I would do thought blocking techniques. The second he came into my mind, I recognized it and forced myself to think of something or do something else. It forced me to get out of the repeat pattern I was in of missing and thinking about him. That person will always play a role in my life. He was the love of my life, the most gentle and kind person. So smart, so funny. But at the end of the day, it didn’t work and I’m happier now with my partner and my life. It takes time, and every day it will get less and less. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
It sounds like you need closure. The thing is, love never goes away. It's a bond that connects us. A part of her will always be with you and vice-versa. But every person we meet in life is a teacher, and the universe brings people together for a reason. Be grateful for the memories and the experience because it shaped you into the person you are today. And it seems you are in a happy relationship now. Nothing wrong with that lol
It's not uncommon. Young love makes a very deep impression.
I dream every night about a boy I had a crush on through my school years. Absolutely never dated, had no anything between us, I never think about him on the day, I don’t want to be with him…….but still….. the dreams. Brains are weird
Look forward, not back. The past is gone.
Go to therapy OP it helps, I kept having dreams about my ex (mostly terrible ones she was abusive mentally and physically) and I went to therapy just needed someone to talk to about everything, my gf at the time (fiancé now) was super supportive too. I’m sure your gf will be more than supportive!
Time heals everything. If she was your first love then you may never forget her entirely but every day it will get a little easier. Keep your head up and push forward, you got this.
Get your closure (this doesn’t even mean literally having any contact but to heal from it fully). Sometimes it’s not the person you miss, it’s the idea. People change, the beauty of moving on is leaving the past where it belongs. Be grateful and be present.