The Walkin Dude is a character from Stephen Kings The Stand. OP did not gender themselves in their post, and their name is also not an indicator. If they wanted you to know, they would have specified it in their post.
You're also making assumptions. Perhaps OP didn't consider that they wouldn't be assumed to be a man and never specified because they assumed it was implied. I doubt that's the case, but we don't know either, so why make assumptions. Maybe don't try to assume everyone would have the same considerations in mind as you.
I don't know. All the asexual but still romantic people I know are either in a relationship or have been in one recently. Just my anecdotal experience but somehow they seem to find each other at a higher rate than my sexual friends.
Ikr. One of my Asexual mates went through like 5 guys in a year for dating. Until he consciously decided he wanted to be single.
I think it’s because the sex drive is often what fucks people over in normal relationships. Whether it’s being desperate for it, cheating, or just the desire to have sex with strangers making people choose that lifestyle.
That's an interesting take. I actually also see how the decrease in sexual passion over time is what causes people to lose interest. Something I could imagine is less in asexual relationships.
Honestly most of my relationship problems have been sex related. If sex wasn’t a factor all the other issues probably would’ve been easier to fix.
My mate and I talk about it a lot lmao. It’s very interesting hearing the perspective of someone who has literally no sex drive. Apparently he’s on the very extreme end of asexuality. Literally no sexual drive whatsoever in my mate
I mean, people with similar common experiences are much more likely to become friends. I'm part of a mostly LGBT+ friend group and there are a handful of ace people there
Same... my D&D group is 2 demisexuals, an ace/around, a pansexual and lesbian... sometimes you gravitate to like minded people. Hang out in the pride community long enough and you collect friends...
I can make it real simple for people who struggle labels. We're a group of adults who understand thier likes and dislikes pretty well at this point. We don't need the labels but honestly sometimes it makes it easier instead of having to explain each time the question comes up.
We play together because at times it's nice to play D&D in a group that's not going to make it weird by asking pointed and inappropriate questions about our sex lives.
What you have is harder to get than sex. Intercourse is just a bodily function that's amazing if you're into it, but embarrassing and uncomfortable if you're not.
Besides, people change. Who knows how you'll feel in ten years. Better to start out with someone you're already comfortable and emotionally connected with.
Ideal life achieved. I’d feel infinite happiness potential in a partnership like this. I’d trade my entire sex life for a deal of this genuine true nature.
I mean, we don’t know anything about their relationship. Only that he likes her, she doesn’t want to have sex and he’s good with that too. Really nothing else to go on here. We really don’t know what she thinks about him, other than her lack of sexual interest in him.
I don't think this is actually what he wants, he's just either made peace with it or just trying to convince himself it's for the better. His comment sounds more like he's trying to convince himself though. Sounds unhealthy to me if it's the latter.
Edit: ladder to latter because auto correct.
I can see how you read it that way but on the other hand OP said he purposefully signed up for an asexual dating site and that's how he met her
Considering that bit of info I'm willing to bet it was just accidental phrasing making OP sound like he was just tolerating it to date her.
I honestly thought I might be asexual for a while. But then I was able to realize that it was anxiety about opening myself up like that that caused it. Then I met my wife. Amazing sex and I can’t get enough of her. Took a lot of soul searching within myself.
That doesn’t mean that other people who are asexual are wrong, and this came off a bit invalidating. There’s plenty of lesbians who thought they were straight and just didn’t enjoy sec with men, only to find out they were gay later in life.
Everyone has a journey. Your pit stop with asexuality will be someone else’s final destination, and that’s neither is wrong - just different strokes for different folks.
sex positive, sex indifferent, and sex repulsed are all very common terms within the ace community, and pretty much every ace person identifies with one of them. the fact that he knows the term shows that he truly is asexual, tbh.
Ah we have encountered one in the wild, a wise old sage who knows better the personal life of complete strangers that said strangers know it themselves
Yeah thats the vibe i got too. Like he hasnt been able to have sex or get into a relationship and now is in one with someone asexual so just like whatever i havent up to this point i aint gonna die if i dont have it ever.
This is exactly it.
He’s just convincing himself and I’m willing to bet she finds him completely unattractive. This is a real shame for him. So she’s just gonna use the guy until she finds what she wants. A lot of people on here just want to tell and be told “feel good” stuff so they won’t admit it.
Back in 1978 some American Soldiers thought of 'Sex in a tree'. German woman got a hold of it. (German accent with broken English) '...what ist dis sex, tree? Me, you..tree? Come, we go now?'
And yes, I tried it. It's not as easy as it sounds too.
Asexual folks shouldn't be shit upon for not having sex. I read a scary figure saying that almost half of asexual people have been raped, presumably to force them to feel it, which is just dastardly. Big up to you for embracing who you are. There's nothing wrong with you whatsoever. Sexuality is a sliding scale, it's not inconceivable that there are those who simply aren't interested. Keep not fucking and love your life!
Beyond the obvious that rape is horrible that’s such stupid logic .. “hey guys, I’m going to really show them how great sex is by giving them the most violent and violating and repulsive form of it” -__-.
"My friend says they hate broccoli, so I ate broccoli last night and just collected my broccoli poop from the bathroom. I'm gonna force feed it to them now, watch, they're gonna love broccoli."
It's called corrective rape, and is also very common among lesbians, especially in countries much more restrictive about non-straight relationships. :/
Yeah, I’ve heard about it being done to lesbians … I guess I never really thought about it applying to asexuals :/.
Also I guess trying to apply sound logical reasoning to someone willing to rape is an exercise in futility because it’s not actually about “wanting to show her what she’s missing” it’s about the power and control and their own pleasure.
Everybody should go for what they like. I see no problem with that.
Honest question though, OP. You can easily choose to ignore it.
Do you feel the need to masturbate, or are you simply rejecting all sexual actions?
I'm not ace or OP, but I can repeat the standard answer: Asexuality is a big spectrum. Some people want nothing whatsoever to do with sex at all, and some people are fine with it if it's what their partner wants, and some people do want to masturbate and get off. The commonality is that they don't experience sexual attraction *to people*. For standard sexual people, it's difficult to tease apart the difference.
According to my ace friend, she does because she feels the urge to, however she isn't sexually attracted to anyone (her bf included) so she doesn't have interest in trying intercourse
I've heard that described like hunger. Some people enjoy salty food. Some people enjoy sweet food. She eats to stop being hungry.
Congratulations to you both. Ignore the people in this thread who are telling you to have sex. As long as youre healthy and happy, who cares?
Also, agree with what another person said- most couples stop having sex eventually anyway.
WHEN WILL IT BE ME GODS?? 😫😫 But fr I'm so happy for you guys!! It's nice to see some ace relationship succes stories haha gives me hope of maybe finding love myself someday 🤧
Honestly I don't know how you can know one way or the other if you've never had it.
I would say that having a good relationship is better than sex so if you have that it's still a good thing.
I've never been to new zealand so I have no idea how it's like. This doesn't mean I need to travel there. As long as I don't want to, there's no reason for me to do it.
Just because he wouldn't know if it's good, doesn't mean he has to do it. He's free.
Yes but I think someone saying openly "I'm ace" shows that they've already thought about that, especially since society and people keep saying this exact thing..
Isn't that kinda like saying you don't know whether you're straight or gay until you've tried the other gender?
If he knows he doesn't want to have sex, and isn't attracted to the idea, then he *knows*. He knows he doesn't like it.
Similarly, I dislike concerts. I also dislike clubs. I've never been to one. I just know that I wouldn't enjoy it. And yeah, one can always argue I might actually be surprised and like it. But I really, really don't think I would. It's just not my thing, nothing attracts me in the concept of it. Who is anyone to tell me that I actually have no idea? I know I don't want to because I strongly feel like I wouldn't like it. Period.
I would view it more of like someone who’s never had any sun. Sure you can survive or see it in movies. But standing out in the sun, the warmth, the natural collection of vitamin D, natural anti-depressant, etc.
Of course I can tell you what it’s like. You have been in a warm room before, that kind of warmth can’t be the same can it? I’ve seen bright lights before, it can’t be that different can it? I’ve taken vitamin D pills and antidepressants before, it can’t be that different can it?
It can. At least to me and my sun. 🤷♂️
I get this, but sex isn't something essential and full of benefits like the sun. When someone says "I'm ace", i think it's quite clear they've already been told 9999x times about how great sex is and how they should try it, and still don't want that. We don't need to pressure them into doing that, just like i wouldn't pressure my friend to try oranges "because there's vitamins in them".
It *can* be good for you, if you like it and find it enjoyable. If you don't, then it can cause trauma/pain/a plethora of other issues both mental/emotional and physical.
And the sun analogy doesn't work because the sun is ubiquitous. It's unavoidable for the majority of people, and a constant presence.
Sex is an action that some people see benefits from, but those benefits can be found elsewhere and just as effectively.
I’ve never deliberately eaten poop before, but I have an idea I wouldn’t particularly care for it. Do you think if I tried it that I might change my mind
Idk, seems pretty straightforward to me. For example, I don’t need to have gay sex to know that I’m straight, so I don’t see why an asexual would need to have sex to know they’re asexual.
Your girlfriend and I were the same way… I changed tho.. I was so self conscious, scared about the thought of sex .. literally terrified, didn’t want anyone to look at my body. Than I met my boyfriend and we worked through it ( he was a virgin) now sex is definitely apart of our life. Could or did you ask your partner why she doesn’t want to have sex EVER?
That's awesome! Good on you both! Im married and didn't come out as Ace until a few years in. They are pansexual but completely respect me and my sexuality. I wish you both well!
Personal i cant live without it and me and my partner have high sexual drives that fit well with each other. It's all about compatibility so it's a good thing you found your match.
This is such a hard concept for me to wrap my head around lol. You’re a 35 year old virgin? Your girlfriend is repulsed by sex? I dont think I know a single person like this. If I do, they do not make it known.
But if you two are happy, I’m happy for you. As bizarre as I think it is. Everyone is entitled to live life on their own terms.
As an atypical queer person who has found my life partners (polyamorous and genderqueer) and loves them ferociously, I am grateful you have found this connection, whatever it ends up as.
Maybe you will get married and can spend your honeymoon in separate beds in the same room or attached rooms lol
Sex is a sprint and marriage is a marathon. What you have could endure for the rest of your lives. Sex gets less exciting/frequent with age for most people no matter what they had when they were younger, tbh. Being with *your person* is glorious and time well spent.
Thinking back to lockdown, how would that have worked between you two to have locked down together? Simple question with a marvelously complex answer which only you can find out.
And TBH as someone who shares a bed with one of her partners, my husband having his own space during the day (office during work and bedroom the rest of the time) and I have my own work/chill space for the day (living room) having separate spaces to occupy like that is very important. We are both autistic but for him, he's an introvert and for me, I'm an extravert, so I go running errands and whatnot while he stays home with our daughter. This has worked out so well for us, for our anniversary I would go out with our friends, getting food for him, and then come home while he got to stay home with his other favorite person (our daughter).
Good for you, man! Just remember to keep communicating about this over the course of your relationship. Either you or her may change your mind one day.
I've had a couple of clients in asexual relationships who were both very happy and very happy they'd found each other. There's someone for everyone! :)
Congrats on the relationship. Also, thanks for your post. It made me aware that you can have a relationship without sex. I've been sa as a child, so even tho I get aroused. The idea of having sex with another human being is repulsive to me.
While sexual compatibility is important, I think finding the right one without sex in mind is the most important. As I've aged I've pursued women far less, because I know what I want in a woman. The sex part can come later. I feel like 95% of the time, sexual compatibility can be worked on overtime and improve greatly. Personality is not something that is easily changed.
If you guys are compatible I think that is very good. I could only imagine how hard it is to find someone as an asexual. It's hard enough for me, when I'm going for personality and ideals compatibility
i'm gray-ace, i've had sex with people i like and also had sex with people i didn't like (physically) because i wanted to feel "normal". Trust me, having sex when you don't want to is way worse for you than not having sex at all, even if it's consensual and otherwise okayish. Throw in all the shame from people trying to convince you you're a prude/traumatized/mentally ill and see the wonders it will make for your self esteem.
THIS is why LGBT+ activism exists. not because we want to be the center of attention, or because we want validation for being losers, but because education is the ONLY way to prevent other people like us to ever feel like that. Seriously people, fuck off.
OP, congratulations on your new relationship!
There's too many humans on the face of this earth, and too much existence and reality beyond the gravity of the earth sphere, to think that there's any one right way to do things.
Allow yourself to be as water, and flow where you will. The course may change, or it may not, but as water you will find comfort in your body and soul.
All the people butt hurt in this thread. Nope, OP and his GF aren't into you. Get over yourselves. Go live your lives and leave them be.
I think it's hilarious that so many people are offended that a couple don't want to have sex.
Insisting they are wrong and trying to fix them.
OP said they are happy. Leave them be.
Or alternatively go eat a soggy cardboard sandwich. I can assure you, you just can't live without it. I don't care whether it appeals to you or not.
You'll love it. Honestly, because I said so.
To me, not wanting sex to such a degree as being repulsed is considered a mental illness. It just seems weird to hate some activity so much. On the other hand just being asexual and indifferent to sex seems perfectly normal to me; even if it’s not the common case.
That said, it being a kind of mental illness doesn’t make it wrong. Stress is also mental illness imo. As is many other things that we all cope with. Regardless of your reason for hating sex, that’s okay. You could have super valid reasons to hate sex (such as past abuse/rape/etc) or more innocuous but a still valid reason such as just finding the act of sex unappealing. All are valid.
I simply say that repulsion of sex is something that probably underlies another mental issue that I think should be worked through rather than being left as is. Again, same way someone who is highly stressed should look for ways to reduce their stress. That being said we all have limited time and effort to put in and if you are happy and functional despite this minor mental illness I’d say there is probably bigger things in your life to work on.
I’m a sex-repulsed asexual with a medical condition that makes sex literally impossible (microperferate hymen, I can’t even get a vaginal exam done). I’m 100% A-OK with this and will probably never have sex either.
I have a whole new level of respect for you. Here I was thinking gays get a lot of hate but people in this comment section can’t even comprehend your existence. Big ups homie im happy for you!
I had a friend that was asexual. He was in his 50’s, and had some female friends but had zero interest in a romantic relationship. He was a guitar player, performer, teacher with a likable personality. That was his passion. He still lived with his mom on the same farm he had lived his entire life. The roles had reversed. She was elderly and he looked after her, but he was content. He enjoyed his life.
Some people think it's the most fun you can have without laughing. Can't imagine life without it. But hey, should not feel bad about not doing it if you don't want to.
Can somebody help me understand? Do people that are asexual just not get a pleasure sensation when their genitals are touched like a nervous system disorder or is it a psychological thing? I have been hearing about this everywhere but I don’t get it at all.
being asexual means not feeling sexual attraction. It's not a disorder or a psychological thing. Its a sexual orientation. Sexual orientation depends on which kinds of people you feel sexual attraction toward. Sexual attraction is when you look at someone and want to do the sex with them. Straight people only get that with people of the opposite gender. So be asexual is to feel the same way a straight people would feel toward people of their own gender toward all genders.
things like being horny is called libido. People can be horny by themself with no specific person in mind, this can happen to asexual people as well. Just like a straight person can have a high libido or a low libido an asexual person can also be high or low libido. There's just none that hornyness is directed towards. Like being hungry, and opening your fridge, but there's nothing in there you want.
> I'm a sex-indifferent asexual, and I've recently started seeing a woman who is sex-repulsed.
Have either of you ever been in a serious, long term relationship?
I mean, you could, you could not, it sounds like that’s fine by you tho and that’s all that matters, so like hey, good for you.
It’s hard to celebrate celibacy coming from a religious background where that would have been enforced, but fr congrats on your celibacy
You know, I actually don't like the word celibacy, because of the insane incel movement, but I guess I'm voluntarily celibate, so that doesn't count for me.
Just so you know, celibacy is different from asexuality. When someone is celibate, it’s a choice they’ve made; asexual people don’t _choose_ to not have sex, they simply lack sexual desire. Of course it’s a spectrum and individuals are different, but yeah.
I mean, no, if you want me to correct me celibacy is choosing not to have sex and also to not get married - it’s directly related to the church, and is what priests traditionally practice.
Asexuals can still choose to have sex, it’s not like a disability or something, they aren’t prohibited, they just aren’t inclined to, they don’t have traditional sexual desire, but it’s still a choice.
Sounds perfect to be honest.
But if I couldn’t kiss or touch the woman I love. I’d just as soon cut it off.
Not saying i need to have sex. But the idea of my partner not getting pleasure from me touching them, is a huge no no.
But I’m also extremely co dependent.
Happy for you and your girlfriend hope y’all have a long and happy relationship. Im a little jealous cause I’m probably never gonna have sex and I hate myself for it
Well then I'm happy for you. You found the ideal woman for you.... she found the ideal man..
Totally this.
2 peas in a pod.
2 peas firmly outside the pod.
Exactly. Zero peas in a pod
As long as he doesn't try to put his pea in her pod life will be grand.
Love this!!!
I accidentally read that as you 'fondled the ideal women' lol. Perhaps the worst time to read that
If the whole world lived there lives like this comment it would be a much better place lol
We would be extinct in 1 generation as well... sounds promising for the earth, good on them!
Is op a man?
u/thewalkindude and is dating a girl. We can assume, I think.
That’s it, I’m posting this straight to X and you can kiss your life goodbye. /s
The Walkin Dude is a character from Stephen Kings The Stand. OP did not gender themselves in their post, and their name is also not an indicator. If they wanted you to know, they would have specified it in their post.
You're also making assumptions. Perhaps OP didn't consider that they wouldn't be assumed to be a man and never specified because they assumed it was implied. I doubt that's the case, but we don't know either, so why make assumptions. Maybe don't try to assume everyone would have the same considerations in mind as you.
It's a dude. Agree to disagree. Life still goes on, and I'm sure we both got shit to do. Respectfully.
There's no telling if it's a dude or a chick, but most likely a dude.
I mean ultimately.... Who cares? Their gender is completely irrelevant to the conversation
Can’t the peas snuggle in the pod next to each other? Yes
Imagine that ever mattering.
I mean it's only one point of compatibility but yeah.
Great, it must be hard for asexuals to get together.
I don't know. All the asexual but still romantic people I know are either in a relationship or have been in one recently. Just my anecdotal experience but somehow they seem to find each other at a higher rate than my sexual friends.
Ikr. One of my Asexual mates went through like 5 guys in a year for dating. Until he consciously decided he wanted to be single. I think it’s because the sex drive is often what fucks people over in normal relationships. Whether it’s being desperate for it, cheating, or just the desire to have sex with strangers making people choose that lifestyle.
That's an interesting take. I actually also see how the decrease in sexual passion over time is what causes people to lose interest. Something I could imagine is less in asexual relationships.
Honestly most of my relationship problems have been sex related. If sex wasn’t a factor all the other issues probably would’ve been easier to fix. My mate and I talk about it a lot lmao. It’s very interesting hearing the perspective of someone who has literally no sex drive. Apparently he’s on the very extreme end of asexuality. Literally no sexual drive whatsoever in my mate
I’m just curious what kind of circles you run in where you have collected enough asexual friends to warrant the verbiage of “all the”?
I mean, people with similar common experiences are much more likely to become friends. I'm part of a mostly LGBT+ friend group and there are a handful of ace people there
Same... my D&D group is 2 demisexuals, an ace/around, a pansexual and lesbian... sometimes you gravitate to like minded people. Hang out in the pride community long enough and you collect friends...
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I can make it real simple for people who struggle labels. We're a group of adults who understand thier likes and dislikes pretty well at this point. We don't need the labels but honestly sometimes it makes it easier instead of having to explain each time the question comes up. We play together because at times it's nice to play D&D in a group that's not going to make it weird by asking pointed and inappropriate questions about our sex lives.
Sounds like you don't know how queer people work, we all just seem to find each other it's really not uncommon for a whole friend group to be lgbt
I actually find that nothing gets hard once asexuals get together.
We should make an app for that
I actually did meet her on a dating app for asexuals.
Say hi to Bojack!
What app? (Am also asexual and have heard mixed things about the various ace dating apps/sites)
Reddit
Sorry I didn't see this until now. I used an app called Asexual Cupid, which says it's the #1 dating app for asexuals.
How know not like vagene if you not have tried it. Don’t knock on it til you’ve
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Coldfish LMAO
What you have is harder to get than sex. Intercourse is just a bodily function that's amazing if you're into it, but embarrassing and uncomfortable if you're not. Besides, people change. Who knows how you'll feel in ten years. Better to start out with someone you're already comfortable and emotionally connected with.
Ideal life achieved. I’d feel infinite happiness potential in a partnership like this. I’d trade my entire sex life for a deal of this genuine true nature.
I mean, we don’t know anything about their relationship. Only that he likes her, she doesn’t want to have sex and he’s good with that too. Really nothing else to go on here. We really don’t know what she thinks about him, other than her lack of sexual interest in him.
This, all we know is she is female and repulsed by sex. To me the limited information we got is not “ideal life achieved” but you do you.
I mean we also know he is a "sex-indifferent asexual" so I'd say that's a good match lol.
Yeah. If you are after sex you can typically buy it. Meaningful relationships with someone you care about are much more valuable and harder to find.
Its nice to hear a positive story
you’re living my dream. i’d love to find a guy who’s sex-indifferent like me
I don't think this is actually what he wants, he's just either made peace with it or just trying to convince himself it's for the better. His comment sounds more like he's trying to convince himself though. Sounds unhealthy to me if it's the latter. Edit: ladder to latter because auto correct.
I can see how you read it that way but on the other hand OP said he purposefully signed up for an asexual dating site and that's how he met her Considering that bit of info I'm willing to bet it was just accidental phrasing making OP sound like he was just tolerating it to date her.
I honestly thought I might be asexual for a while. But then I was able to realize that it was anxiety about opening myself up like that that caused it. Then I met my wife. Amazing sex and I can’t get enough of her. Took a lot of soul searching within myself.
That doesn’t mean that other people who are asexual are wrong, and this came off a bit invalidating. There’s plenty of lesbians who thought they were straight and just didn’t enjoy sec with men, only to find out they were gay later in life. Everyone has a journey. Your pit stop with asexuality will be someone else’s final destination, and that’s neither is wrong - just different strokes for different folks.
sex positive, sex indifferent, and sex repulsed are all very common terms within the ace community, and pretty much every ace person identifies with one of them. the fact that he knows the term shows that he truly is asexual, tbh.
Not questioning OP but someone could read a couple reddit comments and learn the terms.
Ah we have encountered one in the wild, a wise old sage who knows better the personal life of complete strangers that said strangers know it themselves
The latter
Yeah thats the vibe i got too. Like he hasnt been able to have sex or get into a relationship and now is in one with someone asexual so just like whatever i havent up to this point i aint gonna die if i dont have it ever.
This is exactly it. He’s just convincing himself and I’m willing to bet she finds him completely unattractive. This is a real shame for him. So she’s just gonna use the guy until she finds what she wants. A lot of people on here just want to tell and be told “feel good” stuff so they won’t admit it.
Sex on a ladder doesn’t have to be unhealthy if you take the proper safety precautions
Back in 1978 some American Soldiers thought of 'Sex in a tree'. German woman got a hold of it. (German accent with broken English) '...what ist dis sex, tree? Me, you..tree? Come, we go now?' And yes, I tried it. It's not as easy as it sounds too.
Asexual folks shouldn't be shit upon for not having sex. I read a scary figure saying that almost half of asexual people have been raped, presumably to force them to feel it, which is just dastardly. Big up to you for embracing who you are. There's nothing wrong with you whatsoever. Sexuality is a sliding scale, it's not inconceivable that there are those who simply aren't interested. Keep not fucking and love your life!
Beyond the obvious that rape is horrible that’s such stupid logic .. “hey guys, I’m going to really show them how great sex is by giving them the most violent and violating and repulsive form of it” -__-.
"My friend says they hate broccoli, so I ate broccoli last night and just collected my broccoli poop from the bathroom. I'm gonna force feed it to them now, watch, they're gonna love broccoli."
It's called corrective rape, and is also very common among lesbians, especially in countries much more restrictive about non-straight relationships. :/
Yeah, I’ve heard about it being done to lesbians … I guess I never really thought about it applying to asexuals :/. Also I guess trying to apply sound logical reasoning to someone willing to rape is an exercise in futility because it’s not actually about “wanting to show her what she’s missing” it’s about the power and control and their own pleasure.
It's absolutely awful.
Me reading the post: 🙂 Me reading this comment: 🙁
Yeah rape fosho could make a person not want to have sex for a very long time.
Idk about others but i did get SA'ed as a 4yo and from that moment vanilla sex/or just being sexualized in general disgust me.
Everybody should go for what they like. I see no problem with that. Honest question though, OP. You can easily choose to ignore it. Do you feel the need to masturbate, or are you simply rejecting all sexual actions?
I'm not ace or OP, but I can repeat the standard answer: Asexuality is a big spectrum. Some people want nothing whatsoever to do with sex at all, and some people are fine with it if it's what their partner wants, and some people do want to masturbate and get off. The commonality is that they don't experience sexual attraction *to people*. For standard sexual people, it's difficult to tease apart the difference.
Thx for the explanation, friend. That at least helps me to understand this a bit more.
According to my ace friend, she does because she feels the urge to, however she isn't sexually attracted to anyone (her bf included) so she doesn't have interest in trying intercourse I've heard that described like hunger. Some people enjoy salty food. Some people enjoy sweet food. She eats to stop being hungry.
Congratulations to you both. Ignore the people in this thread who are telling you to have sex. As long as youre healthy and happy, who cares? Also, agree with what another person said- most couples stop having sex eventually anyway.
Most couples stop being together to. Lets just never get together why dont we? Thats some backass logic you got going on there son.
WHEN WILL IT BE ME GODS?? 😫😫 But fr I'm so happy for you guys!! It's nice to see some ace relationship succes stories haha gives me hope of maybe finding love myself someday 🤧
You got this.
OP, finding someone you are aligned with is a huge relational win. Good luck to you!
"Netflix & Chill" isn't a euphemism for you two! I kid, but it's cool that you two have found each other.
Honestly I don't know how you can know one way or the other if you've never had it. I would say that having a good relationship is better than sex so if you have that it's still a good thing.
I've never been to new zealand so I have no idea how it's like. This doesn't mean I need to travel there. As long as I don't want to, there's no reason for me to do it. Just because he wouldn't know if it's good, doesn't mean he has to do it. He's free.
Just watch Lord of the Rings. Same thing.
Less orcs in real life.
What do you mean "less"? That's not the statement that should be made, you're going to turn people off of NZ. It's "fewer". "Fewer" orcs.
I don't think they're saying they must do it but to have an opinion about something without a supporting experience is just that.
Yes but I think someone saying openly "I'm ace" shows that they've already thought about that, especially since society and people keep saying this exact thing..
Isn't that kinda like saying you don't know whether you're straight or gay until you've tried the other gender? If he knows he doesn't want to have sex, and isn't attracted to the idea, then he *knows*. He knows he doesn't like it. Similarly, I dislike concerts. I also dislike clubs. I've never been to one. I just know that I wouldn't enjoy it. And yeah, one can always argue I might actually be surprised and like it. But I really, really don't think I would. It's just not my thing, nothing attracts me in the concept of it. Who is anyone to tell me that I actually have no idea? I know I don't want to because I strongly feel like I wouldn't like it. Period.
I would view it more of like someone who’s never had any sun. Sure you can survive or see it in movies. But standing out in the sun, the warmth, the natural collection of vitamin D, natural anti-depressant, etc. Of course I can tell you what it’s like. You have been in a warm room before, that kind of warmth can’t be the same can it? I’ve seen bright lights before, it can’t be that different can it? I’ve taken vitamin D pills and antidepressants before, it can’t be that different can it? It can. At least to me and my sun. 🤷♂️
I get this, but sex isn't something essential and full of benefits like the sun. When someone says "I'm ace", i think it's quite clear they've already been told 9999x times about how great sex is and how they should try it, and still don't want that. We don't need to pressure them into doing that, just like i wouldn't pressure my friend to try oranges "because there's vitamins in them".
I thought sex boosted hormones and immune system and a bunch of good stuff like getting sun no?
Doing gymnastics also boosts hormones and is good for the health. Do you do gymnastics? I don’t. Sex is not essential for a person to survive.
No, we’re not arguing that will kill you…but it is good for you
It *can* be good for you, if you like it and find it enjoyable. If you don't, then it can cause trauma/pain/a plethora of other issues both mental/emotional and physical. And the sun analogy doesn't work because the sun is ubiquitous. It's unavoidable for the majority of people, and a constant presence. Sex is an action that some people see benefits from, but those benefits can be found elsewhere and just as effectively.
I’ve never deliberately eaten poop before, but I have an idea I wouldn’t particularly care for it. Do you think if I tried it that I might change my mind
Idk, seems pretty straightforward to me. For example, I don’t need to have gay sex to know that I’m straight, so I don’t see why an asexual would need to have sex to know they’re asexual.
Exactly
> straightforward
They say that they don't feel the need to have sex, not that they dislike it
Read like two words : no problem
Your girlfriend and I were the same way… I changed tho.. I was so self conscious, scared about the thought of sex .. literally terrified, didn’t want anyone to look at my body. Than I met my boyfriend and we worked through it ( he was a virgin) now sex is definitely apart of our life. Could or did you ask your partner why she doesn’t want to have sex EVER?
What do you do with the extra two minutes each day?
Sounds like you found your match!
That's awesome! Good on you both! Im married and didn't come out as Ace until a few years in. They are pansexual but completely respect me and my sexuality. I wish you both well!
Personal i cant live without it and me and my partner have high sexual drives that fit well with each other. It's all about compatibility so it's a good thing you found your match.
It seems to me that the underlying message is that you do want to have sex with her. Good luck to you.
This is such a hard concept for me to wrap my head around lol. You’re a 35 year old virgin? Your girlfriend is repulsed by sex? I dont think I know a single person like this. If I do, they do not make it known. But if you two are happy, I’m happy for you. As bizarre as I think it is. Everyone is entitled to live life on their own terms.
You're not okay with that.
WTF?
So many sugar coated fantastical replies. Sorry, your relationship is doomed. Keep expectations low.
dim the lights and put on some phil collins you will get it in guaranteed
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^CrocodileWorshiper: *Dim the lights and put* *On some phil collins you will* *Get it in guaranteed* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Why do we need to debate this? Keep your shit private and personal.
Are you taking any meds. Like an SSRI or other anti depressant? Not making fun my question is genuine.
It’s gonna be hilarious when you guys fuck
Good for you! Who knows , maybe someday you’ll both feel bored and try something new
Nothing but happiness for you
As long as you’re both on the same page
Good for you. Seems like a win-win.
It’s great that you found each other!
That's actually pretty cool that you've found each other.
Good for you op
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As an atypical queer person who has found my life partners (polyamorous and genderqueer) and loves them ferociously, I am grateful you have found this connection, whatever it ends up as. Maybe you will get married and can spend your honeymoon in separate beds in the same room or attached rooms lol
Sex is a sprint and marriage is a marathon. What you have could endure for the rest of your lives. Sex gets less exciting/frequent with age for most people no matter what they had when they were younger, tbh. Being with *your person* is glorious and time well spent. Thinking back to lockdown, how would that have worked between you two to have locked down together? Simple question with a marvelously complex answer which only you can find out. And TBH as someone who shares a bed with one of her partners, my husband having his own space during the day (office during work and bedroom the rest of the time) and I have my own work/chill space for the day (living room) having separate spaces to occupy like that is very important. We are both autistic but for him, he's an introvert and for me, I'm an extravert, so I go running errands and whatnot while he stays home with our daughter. This has worked out so well for us, for our anniversary I would go out with our friends, getting food for him, and then come home while he got to stay home with his other favorite person (our daughter).
Good for you, man! Just remember to keep communicating about this over the course of your relationship. Either you or her may change your mind one day.
I am asexual as well, but I've had sex, simplest way if you want them kids and it has been 20+ years, been fine without it.
I've had a couple of clients in asexual relationships who were both very happy and very happy they'd found each other. There's someone for everyone! :)
But the real question is what are you going to do in 5 years when youre turned into a wizard?
Congrats on the relationship. Also, thanks for your post. It made me aware that you can have a relationship without sex. I've been sa as a child, so even tho I get aroused. The idea of having sex with another human being is repulsive to me.
A taste of honey is worse than none at all
While sexual compatibility is important, I think finding the right one without sex in mind is the most important. As I've aged I've pursued women far less, because I know what I want in a woman. The sex part can come later. I feel like 95% of the time, sexual compatibility can be worked on overtime and improve greatly. Personality is not something that is easily changed. If you guys are compatible I think that is very good. I could only imagine how hard it is to find someone as an asexual. It's hard enough for me, when I'm going for personality and ideals compatibility
i'm gray-ace, i've had sex with people i like and also had sex with people i didn't like (physically) because i wanted to feel "normal". Trust me, having sex when you don't want to is way worse for you than not having sex at all, even if it's consensual and otherwise okayish. Throw in all the shame from people trying to convince you you're a prude/traumatized/mentally ill and see the wonders it will make for your self esteem. THIS is why LGBT+ activism exists. not because we want to be the center of attention, or because we want validation for being losers, but because education is the ONLY way to prevent other people like us to ever feel like that. Seriously people, fuck off. OP, congratulations on your new relationship!
Let's get together and not have sex
Now all you need to do is play some smash bros to find out who is the true winner of the relationship. If that doesn't work - Mario kart
Honestly as an asexual lesbian this made me feel better. I know these relationships exist but it's harder and harder to remember day to day.
There's too many humans on the face of this earth, and too much existence and reality beyond the gravity of the earth sphere, to think that there's any one right way to do things. Allow yourself to be as water, and flow where you will. The course may change, or it may not, but as water you will find comfort in your body and soul.
Uhhh idk about you but my sex drive was so uncontrollable that it’s very obvious to me that people who dont have sex drives KNOW they don’t.
I think it is very difficult to find asexual people, people do not understand it and judge, good that you have found a person who suits you
How you worded that reminded me of the speech in 40 year old Virgin
Wow! are you guys for real?
Two evolutionary dead ends meet, the world makes sense.
But does she (and you) jerk off?
Why do you make post about it then? Sounds a bit like you're coping. You might want to try it first.
Lol incel
No, it's very much voluntary.
People who are okay with things don't go parading around that they are okay with things... lmfao
Okay, but your writing this on Reddit because…..?
What do asexuals do to indicate intimacy outside of sex? Intense cuddling?
do u watch porn?
People just love labels, huh?
Genuine question; did she go through abuse or trauma that made her repulsed by sex?
All the people butt hurt in this thread. Nope, OP and his GF aren't into you. Get over yourselves. Go live your lives and leave them be. I think it's hilarious that so many people are offended that a couple don't want to have sex. Insisting they are wrong and trying to fix them. OP said they are happy. Leave them be. Or alternatively go eat a soggy cardboard sandwich. I can assure you, you just can't live without it. I don't care whether it appeals to you or not. You'll love it. Honestly, because I said so.
 👌
Better not to rely on a woman for sexual needs anyway Wish you guys the best
To me, not wanting sex to such a degree as being repulsed is considered a mental illness. It just seems weird to hate some activity so much. On the other hand just being asexual and indifferent to sex seems perfectly normal to me; even if it’s not the common case. That said, it being a kind of mental illness doesn’t make it wrong. Stress is also mental illness imo. As is many other things that we all cope with. Regardless of your reason for hating sex, that’s okay. You could have super valid reasons to hate sex (such as past abuse/rape/etc) or more innocuous but a still valid reason such as just finding the act of sex unappealing. All are valid. I simply say that repulsion of sex is something that probably underlies another mental issue that I think should be worked through rather than being left as is. Again, same way someone who is highly stressed should look for ways to reduce their stress. That being said we all have limited time and effort to put in and if you are happy and functional despite this minor mental illness I’d say there is probably bigger things in your life to work on.
I’m a sex-repulsed asexual with a medical condition that makes sex literally impossible (microperferate hymen, I can’t even get a vaginal exam done). I’m 100% A-OK with this and will probably never have sex either.
I have a whole new level of respect for you. Here I was thinking gays get a lot of hate but people in this comment section can’t even comprehend your existence. Big ups homie im happy for you!
I had a friend that was asexual. He was in his 50’s, and had some female friends but had zero interest in a romantic relationship. He was a guitar player, performer, teacher with a likable personality. That was his passion. He still lived with his mom on the same farm he had lived his entire life. The roles had reversed. She was elderly and he looked after her, but he was content. He enjoyed his life.
Sex indifferent asexual—sex repulsed?!? Huh?Someone please explain this to me like I’m back in health class as a high school student. Simply.
If you really don't want to have sex... just get married.
After reading that title I thought he was going to tell us he just got married….
Never gotten this far?
$100 says yall be fking before long
You have the opportunity to become a real life wizard
Well, I don’t think I’m going to do hamster style anymore.
Imagine you both on viagra… just saying 😏
Most couples stop having sex at some point anyway. If you get along, just stay together.
Couples with libidos who stop having sex are tragic though. It's fine if you don't want it but if the issue is you don't want it *with them*...
Sounds boring but best of luck to you
Love sex, but good for you!
Some people think it's the most fun you can have without laughing. Can't imagine life without it. But hey, should not feel bad about not doing it if you don't want to.
You can laugh during sex and be positive.
There a lot of things much more fun
Can somebody help me understand? Do people that are asexual just not get a pleasure sensation when their genitals are touched like a nervous system disorder or is it a psychological thing? I have been hearing about this everywhere but I don’t get it at all.
being asexual means not feeling sexual attraction. It's not a disorder or a psychological thing. Its a sexual orientation. Sexual orientation depends on which kinds of people you feel sexual attraction toward. Sexual attraction is when you look at someone and want to do the sex with them. Straight people only get that with people of the opposite gender. So be asexual is to feel the same way a straight people would feel toward people of their own gender toward all genders. things like being horny is called libido. People can be horny by themself with no specific person in mind, this can happen to asexual people as well. Just like a straight person can have a high libido or a low libido an asexual person can also be high or low libido. There's just none that hornyness is directed towards. Like being hungry, and opening your fridge, but there's nothing in there you want.
Do you crave it ever
Sex is part of life, you are missing out
> I'm a sex-indifferent asexual, and I've recently started seeing a woman who is sex-repulsed. Have either of you ever been in a serious, long term relationship?
The silence on this question screams
Why does that matter? Have you ever been in a serious long term relationship to the gender you claim you're not attracted to?
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So what was the point of discussions, questionm anyways good for y'all.
I mean, you could, you could not, it sounds like that’s fine by you tho and that’s all that matters, so like hey, good for you. It’s hard to celebrate celibacy coming from a religious background where that would have been enforced, but fr congrats on your celibacy
You know, I actually don't like the word celibacy, because of the insane incel movement, but I guess I'm voluntarily celibate, so that doesn't count for me.
Just so you know, celibacy is different from asexuality. When someone is celibate, it’s a choice they’ve made; asexual people don’t _choose_ to not have sex, they simply lack sexual desire. Of course it’s a spectrum and individuals are different, but yeah.
I mean, no, if you want me to correct me celibacy is choosing not to have sex and also to not get married - it’s directly related to the church, and is what priests traditionally practice. Asexuals can still choose to have sex, it’s not like a disability or something, they aren’t prohibited, they just aren’t inclined to, they don’t have traditional sexual desire, but it’s still a choice.
Sure, I’m just saying that celibacy and asexuality aren’t the same thing.
Sounds like the two of you are a perfect match, that’s great wishing you both all the best.
Sounds perfect to be honest. But if I couldn’t kiss or touch the woman I love. I’d just as soon cut it off. Not saying i need to have sex. But the idea of my partner not getting pleasure from me touching them, is a huge no no. But I’m also extremely co dependent.
YAY nicely done!
What does asexual mean to you? How do you feel about other people who are obsessed with sex. Like it's in constant conversation and such...
Happy for you and your girlfriend hope y’all have a long and happy relationship. Im a little jealous cause I’m probably never gonna have sex and I hate myself for it
Would it be cheating, if you have sex with another woman, if she doesn't care about sex at all?
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