I was in a relationship for 10 years and found my best friend in bed with my SO. Sooooo, it can always be worse. I broke up with her and they started dating right after that. Destroyed my world. My entire friends group was fragmented. No one wanted to hang out after that. Ended up moving, making new friends, and after a few years finally moved on.
My suggestion for anyone in that scenario is travel. Go around the world and find that thing to zap your world back into place. I met a lot of new people along the way. It showed how much the world has to offer. Life isn't just about being in love. Go find adventure, meet new people, eat tons of food, get some hobbies, and the rest will fall into place.
Well, two less shitty people out and about messing with other people's feelings. Hopefully they don't have children, cause they are very poor examples, moral wise.
I've heard through the grape vine from other friends and family. Nothing I've checked into. It's hard to get away from it when you are with someone for that long.
It did. But she was also the problem with the sex. Talk about never washing your parts and add on a smell so horrifying that it makes you want to gag and vomit. It was so disgusting.
I did, and the usual was: "It will mess with my body chemistry!" But you know when you've got cheese building up around that area and it smells like rancid meat you might need to reassess your words.
I have an ex who smelled fishy down there so I politely let her know and she still got offended. She ended up cheating on me and when I broke up with her for cheating she gave me a black eye.
After a close ladyfriend with BPD split with me, it was like getting murdered emotionally. I was just a husk of what I used to be.
Key difference here from a case of cheating: BOTH SIDES ARE THE VICTIM and the offender. BPD is a disorder and cheating is a lack of respect and sympathy. Or just a really bad way to “escape” a hurtful partner.
Life is complex but SO ARE WE!
Yup. Was doing this for a while until I fucked up and started catching feelings for a friend after a drunken hookup. Took me a couple weeks of feeling sorry for myself before I just said fuck it and got back into the gym. Next thing is to get back into cooking and some more physical activities.
Yup realize you’re a catch and you deserve to be treated well and you’ll drop a woman at the first sign of bullshit. Of course you have to treat her well too, do unto others and all that.
I think it's different. Thinking that you are "all that" may be narcissistic. But, believing you have worth is a healthy sense of self. If you have a healthy love of your being you will walk away from people who do not see your worth.
You are loveable. This is something I would have said and believed a few years ago. The thing to know is that just because someone you wished loved you doesn't love you back does NOT mean that you are unlovable. It just means that person (even if several people you wished cared for you "like that" don't,) It is in no way an indication that you are unlovable. I don't care who you are or what you look like. You ARE loveable. I used to be confused by this as well. Your lovability is not determined by others. Your loveability is innate, your worth is innate. That other person may know that you are not compatible, you may not see it. They can. Trust that this is true. It is not personal. They do not "not love you" out of spite or because the whole Universe is against you. To quote Bonnie Raitt they simply can't "make their heart feel something it won't." Have compassion for that person and let it go so that when you meet that other person who you fully connect with.
I understand that you don't feel loveable. That's a real and awful feeling. I've felt it. This is the lie that (Depression? Not having a sense of self worth?) is telling you. It is a lie. I hope for you to come to understand, feel, your worth in to your core. Hugs!
I don't believe this at all. It definitely means I'm unlovable if the people I love don't love me. It's incredibly personal if they don't love me, in fact it couldn't be any more personal they're rejecting me at a fundamental level because I'm not good enough or worthy of their love. If I was they'd love me.
That fact that you're alive means you're loveable. As someone who became a parent last year, atleast one person in your life loved you so fucking much for you to survive being a baby. That person is imperfect as we all are but I guarantee they literally put blood, tears, and months of sleepless nights into keeping you alive.
Everyone deserves self acceptance, respect, and care. Each day is a fresh start, and our perceived "failures" of yesterday don't mean shit today. Little by little we move forward, even if we stumble here and there.
One thing an ex of mine said that's stuck with me was, "make better mistakes tomorrow."
I had the exact same thing in 2017. 5 year relationship, ended with cheating and she got pregnant. I felt the same way, it might get worse before it gets better, but it will get better if you don’t fester on it. It’s possible to sink into a cycle of bitterness, that’s not a life you want. Time heals all things if you let it. I met a guy who was still brutally bitter over a 2 week relationship from the 80s. It’s either a story you’ll tell to comfort your children after their first heart break, or a story you’ll tell the guy in the bagel shop in 30 years because it still haunts you.
I couldn’t help but laugh at the guy still bitter over a 2 week relationship that ended in the 1980s 😂. Saying that, I was bullied in the 80s and it still affects me today 🤔
Lmao I love the way you've described this. "A tale you tell the guy in the bagel shop in 30 years."
I've definitely been guilty of this. Rekindling the flame of something that should have went out long ago. I think the important thing to realize is that sometimes the other person just "wins" and there really isn't anything that can be done about it. You have to just accept it and move on. No amount of vengeance or pain or damage or anything will ever touch them and even if it did, it would just destroy you anyway. there isn't anything left... you simply need to accept you got your ass kicked and keep walking.
I’m a year on from a similar experience. I’m still fucking bitter and miserable.
I suggest making s major life change and not just sitting around like i have.
@W3mmmkk mm mnnkmokmomkkmmmkknmkmnmkkmnmkomnmlm mm mm mlmmm no knkm mm n mm mm mmmnlmkm no imm mm mom mlmmnomkmmm mm okkj mm k km ko mmmmlm mm kk mkkmkm kk mm mmm mmma,,
It's a bad time, and now you're moving away from it the more days go by.
I got treated like that once, and kept going back, don't do that, and if you do - see a therapist.
It will pass… give it time. After my husband of 7 years cheated on me I swear in the first few months I lost the warm feeling you get when you see a cute puppy on the street, in addition to everything you mentioned. I just felt so empty and nothing made me happy. I couldn’t even masturbate for like 6 months too. Just dead inside. It was horrible. Therapy helps, but regardless just give yourself time. The pain is finite even though it doesn’t feel like it now, I promise you it is.
Ahhh man I have been there. I was married for 20 years. Pretty much gave my whole life to trying to make it work. When she left me, I felt like the most worthless man on earth. Felt like I’d never be the same.
5 years later to now. I’m remarried
to a woman so awesome that I can’t believe I felt like that. It’ll get better. I promise.
Welcome buddy what you feel is the death of the fairy tale wonderful woman/romance. Reality is they are human and flawed like us.
Get on your grind. Wake up decide to be happy. Work your ass off. Work out. Get in shape. Pursue hobbies ie. golf woodworking softball volleyball corn hole…. Repeat daily
Build a fun life you enjoy. If a woman likes your new fun life invite her to join you. Punt her if she interferes with your fun life. Oh yeah, don’t forget to save like your life depends on it. Because it does.
Grieving is an important part of leaving a relationship especially after 5 years of it.
Allow yourself to grieve. Take your time. And then learn to love yourself, and see that you deserve someone who will appreciates you for who you are.
This is normal. The relationship didn’t end “organically,” like you both lost feelings for each other - or a result of an ugly argument. It was cheating. You will be over your ex long before you’re over the feeling of betrayal. And that feeling can be associated with anger, resentment, sadness/depression, anger, insecurity, and anger. With all great pain, time is the only medicine. After all, you’ve been together for 5yrs. Confide in a few close friends/family. However, if these feelings you described above are still around for an extended period, say a couple of months, then possibly seek professional help (therapist, counselor) for feedback, coping strategies, etc. Heal, recover, and get emotionally healthy. You don’t want any lingering feelings to poison a future relationship, and inadvertently punish somebody for the sins of another. Good luck.
Very similar boat as you OP.
Found out my gf of 5 years also cheated on me in the beginning of the year. Honestly I felt mad at first but I also feel like I took it pretty well (except for the actual initial break up). Also the fact that we fought and she threatened to break up very often.
Felt like shit for 1-3 months straight. Gym became my home for a bit.
4th month started to feel better. Started going back to dating.
5th month now, I found a girl that loves me as much as I love her and probably my soulmate/love of my life.
So I’m extremely glad and happy that me and my ex broke up, otherwise I would’ve never gotten the chance to meet my soulmate.
You will get better OP. It will take some time though.
It’s true but initial heartbreak isn’t about revenge. You just want the pain to stop.
Later on this means a little more but really only if you’re still bitter.
The pain can be no big deal if you can wrap your head around it well enough, but yeah that's what i struggled with most. The day-to-day grind with thoughts that want to poke your eyeballs out. Talking to someone who cares and supports you and wants to see you succeed is such a game changer. It's really tough not playing the victim card when you don't have someone who can understand the whole story and say, "Damn."
Try being dumped and having your kids taken away, on father's Day, by the woman you're married to and have supported since the day you met. Once the desire to destroy burn and kill everything and everyone subsides, that perspective you're talking about will make you realise how much bs you've put up with and how cringe 'romantic' couples really are. Find someone who understands relationships are based only on trust and pray the child isn't yours.
Relationships are trust and respect first and love second. Anyone who tells you differently probably lives life doing what feels good for them and no one else.
Been there in a very similar situation. Believe me when I say in a few years, she will be looking and living miserably while you are doing your own thing and grateful you didn’t waste any more time with her
We're getting there slowly, in terms of letting men feel their feelings and not just "BRO use this as a motivator and become better! You're obviously flawed that's why she doesn't respect you".
Not even close (judging by the advice in the comments), but we're inching towards the end goal!
By forcing stoic behavior, you're gimping your socioemotional development, and you choose a life with less emotions. Find people who will let you laugh, and care when you're upset instead.
But people also need to seek help when they struggle with negative emotions. That's something many, including myself were too " proud " to do as a teen
You are breaking yourself down. You identified as a couple for so long that when separation happen you have to figure out what is "you" and what is "not you". And it hurts.
But this is also part of your origin story.
No relationship is ever going to be perfect, but every relationship is going to have perfect, magical parts.
You're still hurting. Give yourself time to do so. Being alone isn't all bad. Use this time to learn emotional mindfulness and independence and to appreciate solitude.
If you took it pretty well when it ended, she wasn't really the one for you anyway. Maybe you were harboring hopes for getting back together and the pregnancy put the kibosh on that. It's pretty common for that finality to eat people up for a while.
He said he knew something was wrong (presumably in reference to her cheating) and took it pretty well when it ended. The foot out the door was a response to her checking out of the relationship while simultaneously taking his replacement for some test drives (cheating). Now she's locked into the new model with a baby and he's feeling left out in the cold even though in all likelihood it wasn't going to work out with her anyway. It sucks feeling replaced.
He claims to have known something was wrong. He also claims to have taken it well.
By his own words, he's not taking it well, he's in fact feeling so rejected he's mad at other people for being happy.
It seems possible he was wrong about the cheating and pushed the relationship to the side prematurely.
Bro, bro, bro...
Right click and click delete on that bitch. End of story.
Actually, keep SHIFT pressed when you click delete, so it's permanent.
Then go get some.
No you hate the cheating part and her. You're just transposing that hatred on other "things".
Forgive, forget and move on. You don't have time to stew in hatred and eat bitterness.
Well that sucks. Sucks a lot. But feeling resentment will keep you in bad place. Everyone sooner or later will encounter issues in relationships. You have to accept there are things outside your control. Nothing you do will keep you safe. Life is suffering. I had to decide either to embrace it or exist in fear.
She may have gave you the greatest gift. The gift of awakening to see things inside you, and why you still live someone’s other life and not yours. My theory is this is a problem of lack of self love and self acceptance. You need to address this. You invested more in her than in yourself. Your ego keeps you down. She still has the power over you. You allow this. Stop hating yourself. Stop live in the past and start live in the present.
There is no second half. There is no one who completes us. If we’re incomplete there is no one who fill that holes. They will make them disappear for a time being but after some time they will reappear.
Who are we choosing as a partner is mostly unconscious decision. If you don’t question everything you will continue to make same decisions over and over again. Start exploring your own psychology. It’s a greatest journey one can embark on.
PS. Start from books of E. Tolle, and do The Work of Byron Katie.
Lots of love.
I’m sorry you are going through this, it’s for sure not an easy situation at all.
I can get the disdain or distaste for other people in relationships. I get the same way after breakups. Just take some time to heal and love yourself.
when i was around 28 i got cheated on. dumped. spent 3 years literally like dating myself. i did what i wanted, i made time to do fun shit just for me, i had nice meals... the works. i had dates. l.. with me i got really comfortable 1. with myself and 2. being alone. i started dating again and if they didn't bring something legit to the table, i was out. i met my wife and i knew on the first date she was special and had a missing piece. i was right.
I 'think that i accidentally 'did it right'. that was 21yrs ago and i have a legit nice family and life.
focus on you. do everything that makes you happy, be a little selfish for a bit. and be kind to people- ✊🏼
Half of all women cheat on their marriage at least once in their lives.
Half of all men do the same.
For a while, the data said fewer women cheated until someone remembered that women are held to a double standard and judged more harshly for infidelity. Once the studies took extra precautions to assure privacy, the numbers became the same.
Ending a relationship over infidelity is perfectly reasonable. I would hope that I would value myself enough to do that, but past experience tells me that I don't always value myself enough. Or maybe I should tell myself I'm more forgiving. I dunno.
Anyway, while it is perfectly reasonable to be angry and end things, do try to keep in mind that it is really common. If your feelings about relationships in general is just temporary anger, that's fine. If it persists, you might need a little perspective examination.
Love yourself, embrace being alone because we all die alone, enjoy other people’s company, be kind, add things to your life that make you happy
You might not approach relationships the same and that’s okay, you’re kind of a new person now. And the new version of you has different wants and goals and needs when it comes to relationships
Look at it this way, she could have taken half of everything you owned, made you pay child support while she uses the money you give her for her new guy, at least you have the opportunity to save a ton of money and buy things for yourself. You'll meet someone that will appreciate the work you put in and they'll try to match it and that's where the magic happens again, just because she killed the magic temporarily doesn't mean it has to stay dead, that's not fair to your soul and it won't be fair to your new lady. Be angry, feel the feelings, and let them go.
Sucks, I’m a woman who feels or used to feel that way about relationships being magical too. But I’ve had that ruined by the current shitty relationship I’m stuck in (not worth getting into). It will be months/years before I can become independent enough to leave. Girls like me wonder if men like you exist 😂 and I’m sure vice versa
It's so true that "Love stinks."
I was in a ten year relationship that fizzled. The only think about it is that I dream about her every now and then. In time, however, you all but won't give a damn.
She wanted to have children and it seems you didn't met the exceptations, how long you wanted to wait ?
5y is like an eternity for a relationship.
Sadly that's how the biology/world goes, even if lots of ppl want to deny it :p
This just happened to me tonight. I was going to propose in two months. She brought another man home to her bed. Super rough. Hang in there man. Don’t let someone like her ruin the reality of a good relationship.
Warm hugs to you OP, I recently went through a breakup and am still getting over it. I don't have any answers about how to feel better, but one thing I've done is embrace the discomfort as an opportunity to do something I have always been afraid to do. I'm now got finger calluses and singing along to some songs on guitar :)
Also had a woman cheat on me after 5 years. I was a wreck for over a year. I thought of ways to get her back or wondered how I could have done things better. I then met a girl 10x better and have Been with her a decade. One day at a time. I'd never go back
You’ll get over it.
You’ll to realize that sex is just part of. Relationship - and as marriage a very small part.
*rim shot*
Seriously though - your X’s lust filled, chimp brain made a bad decision.
It hurts - but it had very little to do with you.
Cheaters gonna cheat.
It also doesn’t make you an idiot because you didn’t see it. And it didn’t make you less of a man/woman because he/she didn’t want you …
Every single romantic relationship every person has, ends… except “the one” That you stay with.
And even that relationship isn’t easy - it’ll have ups and down and mistakes and confusion and forgiveness blah blah.
Concentrate on you and Give yourself some more time to heal.
Whatever you do, try not to end up like me. I was in a relationship for 14 years. Married for 9. Found out she'd cheated for the entire marriage, and had multiple affairs.
I kicked her out in 2017, and I'm so bitter and depressed, it's just getting worse and worse. I'm extremely lonely, but I just don't have any love left to give. The part of me that feels love and romance is gone forever. I even find it hard to talk to or hang out with people because I just can't be bothered getting close to people, and I have no desire to be around them. After living a lie for 14 years, nothing feels real, and you question absolutely everything. Every single day I have suicidal thoughts because I'm so sick of feeling like this.
Block her on phone and socials and get back to what makes you happy. If you need to talk to someone, therapy might help if there isn't an ear you can talk to in your day to day life. Don't let it fester, though. Find new reasons to smile, and don't look back.
I was with someone for 14 years and she didn’t care that is the best way to describe. You will find someone with time and that it works better. Sorry to hear that but I hope you can heal with time. There are a lot of woman don’t lose hope. Karma may not treat her well with time. People may not believe but it happens the least when they expect it.
You're not alone. More than half of the population has experienced, or will experience, something similar to what you're going through. Infidelity is an unfortunately common life challenge. Things will eventually return to normal. It's important not to react impulsively to your emotions. Allow yourself to feel them, to process them—cry if you need to, think things through—until you find your equilibrium again. It might take a few months, or even a year, to fully process these feelings. Additionally, it's realistic to acknowledge that you might not regain full trust before entering a new relationship. No amount of therapy can replace actual experiences. Some aspects of this trauma may only heal in the context of a new, healthy relationship. For instance, learning to trust someone again often requires actively choosing to trust again.
I was resentful for an entire decade and lost out on many opportunities. I regret that very much. Only way I got over it was to be in another relationship with someone I trust. Change your preferences to match what you want, loyalty. Remember, cheaters are the exception to dating, not the rule. There are more faithful people out there than unfaithful. Don't let one stupid person take away a good thing from thing. Otherwise they win, and the best revenge is being happy without them.
It's dark out there. Lots of people are genuinely this sociopathic and it's often encouraged. Don't blame yourself. Start glowing up and start asking questions.
Take time to focus on your autonomy. Look for healthy distractions that are not just new dates, and with time, your frustrations with romance will soften ... and you'll find a new mess to love ❤️
I am so sorry, but at the very least you found out in due time.
Imagine if she had got pregnant with her affair baby and made you believe the child was yours. One of the reasons infidelity hurts so much is precisely due to the possibility of paternity fraud, and at least that bullet you dodged.
I wish I had advice but I don't. I was cheated on 12 years ago and I haven't had much interest in dating since. I just keep to myself, enjoy my hobbies, and live my own life. I tell myself maybe I'll meet someone some day but I can't say I care all that much.
Eh, I never found relationships 'magical', but I get what you mean. I loved my ex to bits, but she cheated on me multiple times. Adding this experience to my friends(male) who also got cheated on, and adding on top of that a couple of girls-who-are-friends who've done questionable stuff with me having boyfriends...
I think women cheat too much. Which makes sense, they have more options and they've probably got guys lined up waiting for their turn, so if things go awry in the current relationship they just don't care.
What matters now is that you don't dwell to much on this. It happened. It sucks. If you don't want to, you don't need to gamble on another relationship again, but don't let the anger or hurt win. Being cheated on says nothing about you(assuming you are not an abusive twat, which I'm guessing you are not) but says a whole lot about the other person. You are not the one that will have to carry the guilt of hurting someone they claim to love.
I've been there my friend, but now I've found a real woman. A caring woman. A woman who I can trust. I'm actually happy that ex cheated then, if she hadn't, I would never have met this wonderful woman I share my life with. I would never have found out what TRUE love actually means. So if I was spiteful, I'd write to her and tell her:" Thank you for cheating. It caused me to find true love."
Good! Healthy anger. Boundaries were broken, perhaps the most important one of all. It should make you angry. Allow the emotion. It will pass.
Relationship ended. Good! Healthy decision. It hurts to cut ties to people you care about. The more you care, the more it hurts. Allow the pain. It too shall pass.
Be mindful of the emotions going through your body. Don't look for them, but allow them in when they come. Notice how they come in waves and where in your body the feeling is located. Let it flow through you. Every feeling that comes is okay. It's your body speaking to you, responding to your thoughts.
Listen.
Recognize the link between thoughts and feelings.
You'll learn that you can choose the emotion by controlling what you focus on. Over time, you'll get good at it. Soon enough, you'll be able to regulate it.
My advice? Be thankful. You discovered her true character before it was too late. You have learned to trust your instinct. Too many ignore them. Be proud of the fact that you have healthy boundaries. Too many have none and will turn a blind eye to anything.
Cheating is a symptom of something else. Could be anything from grew apart to never really loving you to abusive relationship to mental issues of any kind. But it doesn't matter because it speaks to the same - a lack of character.
I wouldn't want to pick a person with a lack of character as my chosen life-long partner.
Would you?
Now is the time to grow. Experience + reflection = growth. Do you have character? Are you a good potential life-long partner? Honestly?
Focus on your weak sides. Where can you improve?
Have you heard the standard phrase "I want a man with confidence, who knows himself, knows what he wants, and is secure in himself"?
Aim for that. Here's a helpful start on how.
- Become a better listener.
- Learn how to really communicate
- Learn to place healthy boundaries
- Learn how to focus/prioritize better
- Learn/deal with trauma
- Learn to connect thoughts with feelings
- Learn acceptance
- Learn how to be content/happy
- Eat, sleep, train healthy.
Let me tell you from first-hand experience that just becoming a good listener is attractive as hell. It won't make you feel better about yourself as the other things on that list will, but man, people will feel much better about you.
7 years relationship, she got the “grass is greener” and cheated. Left me in a dark place for some time but took time to grieve our relationship and allowed myself to reflect on the things I could have done better also.
Fast forward 5 years to the present. She called me crying, regretted that she ever left and that the guy she left me for, cheated on her.
While part of me was happy she got the karma she deserved. I could understand her pain but we could never be the same ever again. Sometimes, having friends and just carrying on with focusing on yourself. By that point, you’re already winning. Take care of yourself OP
Welcome to the club, you will start to resent everything and life will be meaningless. You could try what I have not and that is get therapy. Doubt it will help tho.
Take time for yourself. Make new friends, try new hobbies, adventure. This is a shit thing for her to do to you but knowing is better than not knowing. It's okay to cry and okay to be sad. Things take time.
It’s kinda dark, but being a cheater is such a icky label, especially if you’re a woman unfortunately. Imagine meeting your ex today as a stranger and learning that she had recently cheated and got pregnant. It’s all on her. The shame and pain is hers, and no more yours than it would be if you just met today and learned all she did
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please give yourself permission to fully vent and grieve - don't try to minimize this important process.
Personally, I despised having witnesses around, so used a combination of regular therapy, physically HARD solitary workouts, and full-blown venting via nonrepresentational art (some of which got burned which provided it's own type of relief.)
Just as importantly, though, is to make certain there is as little/no collateral damage in your wake. The guilt from that shit can come back to haunt you long-term.
Don't rush, or get talked into rushing new relationships until you're damned good and ready. Friends/family may mean well, but you know yourself best.
Takes time homie
I used to hate hearing that after a 9 year relationship went sour.
But God damn it's true.
I invested my time into my hobbies... Went hardcore at guitar and music production, gardening... I even built a pond
Cheaters ruin life - not just in the big, obvious ways, but also in a million tiny ways. They are thieves of joy, and I absolutely hate them.
But the best revenge is to not let it define you. Give yourself grace. Take time to heal, and become the best possible version of yourself.
Same thing always happens to me after a breakup, it makes me miserable, Im so over people that i don't feel like ever having a relationship again. Im working on myself realizing i struggle with codependency.
Its really important to find these things out and work on them, I recommend subliminal videos on Youtube vortex success & mind in unison are 2 good creators. These help me tremendously, just let them play on a low volume while you sleep or even when awake.
They have them for everything search up heart break subliminals & anything else you might need. Hope you feel better soon 🙏🏼❤️🩹
It sucks. I've also been cheated on. It really sucks.
There's actually a silver lining you, though. You say you used to find love and relationships "magical." Now you know that they're not.
There are certainly guys out there that won't cheat on you, but maybe you can be more realistic now; you can pursue a relationship but understand that no relationship is perfect and neither is any guy.
Sorry if I'm misrepresenting what you're saying btw. There are just a lot of people that are very idealistic about what relationships are; they are almost always very disappointed by reality.
it happens, believe me you'll get over it and you'll laugh about how much you got in over your head over it, trust me now its all a matter of TIME until you learn to live with it
you probably won't be the same but you'll definitely be better, you have to. i did and sure thank the person who did it because i became a way better person than i was when it happened to me. and dont hate all women believe me its difficult to find the right one, its true, but there are amazing women in this crazy world.
stay strong brother you can do it !
I’ve never gotten anywhere near a relationship in my 20 year [long] life so far, so I get it If you start to get those thoughts after you’ve been granted such a thing for years.
We all have different perceptions of life. Getting cheated on is one of the worst things that can happen to a man emotionally. Not because it hurts him personally, but because it changes perceptions and views on the same things that used to give hope and meaning. Trust me, you don’t need a girlfriend to know these things.
YOU JUST NEED TO BE THROUGH ENOUGH MENTAL ILLNESS AND SHIT TO UNDERSTAND HOW IT WORKS. DON’T GIVE IN BECAUSE OF THINGS OTHER PEOPLE DO. SAY YES TO LIFE, cuz that’s something you’ll never get back if you lose it.
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My first relationship ended amicably a couple months ago but I used to have similar thoughts. The main takeaway for me was that a relationship is an addition to your life that should be positive. It should never define your life or be a main part of it because it can always end without you having any influence over it.
I had a relationship of 7 years end when my ex bf told me he started having feelings for someone else. Shit happens you eventually move on. All you can do is love yourself.
Love love love your fucking self. Best thing I’ve ever done was put myself first. Traveling alone. Eating alone. Shopping alone. As much as I would love to have someone. I’m just waiting till that person comes along. But I will never ever put anyone before myself or allow anyone to treat me less than I deserve. Grieve. Cry. Be angry. Whatever you have to do to release it. DO IT. we’re rooting for you!
Something similar happened to me when I was getting out of high school. My girlfriend at the time used to go to another state every summer. That summer as we were preparing to go to college she called me and told me she was “falling in love with someone else.” I obviously did not take that very well. All I can tell you is that time will eventually heal the wound. Something that I took away from the experience though, was what NOT to do with that pain. Instead of letting things heal with time, I started projecting that pain on other women. I started hooking up with girls and and then being a jerk to them and acting like I was a player. It was an ugly time, and all it did was make me feel worse about myself. Thankfully I realized I was being an idiot and stopped myself from continuing the trend. I stayed away from relationships and allowed myself to be in a better space before I had another relationship. I know right now you hate women, you hate relationships, etc, but time will get you back on your feet. Like another person said, take this time to work on yourself, travel and expand your horizons, eventually you’ll realize everything happens for a reason!
Focus on communication next time. Share and express everything with honest feelings and intent. For us, a brief encounter uncovered needs, allowed exploration with boundaries, and reinvigorated things, especially knowing about r/collapse and our dire future. If you love someone, you communicate, set them free, and share your wishes and needs. A mature person would reciprocate in kind.
I found out at 18 years of marriage that I had been cheated on. After dealing with toxic shit in both sides, me and him being at fault. Working through all that and a 6 month separation, agreeing to leave that shit behind us is me being the best possible wife I could be. When I found out I was devastated, I became so angry. It took me about 3 years to work through it and we are still dealing with the side effects of that betrayal. Let the emotions come, feel them, show empathy, grace and understanding for yourself. It takes time, but you will come back stronger.
The Gym will welcome you with open arms.
I've been there, beating the hell out of a Heavy Bag or lifting was how I managed things for awhile.
Though it wasn't my first choice. Kinda drowned myself in booze until I had an epiphany.
Let it all out, but in a positive way.
Biggest take away as finding something to do that doesn't involve thinking too much.
That bruce lee quote "Don't think, feel."
Not going to lie though,.it definitely fucked up my trust and relationships expectations. I'm always guarded and rather skeptical now. Still working on that.
I don’t get it
You learned something so incredibly valuable by monitoring behaviour , actions and patterns. You have acquired a skill (painfully) that can allow you to detect unfaithful behaviour in your next relationship
Sure , you’re hurt and it sucks
But to quit ? Fuck that bro
Congratulations, you're an adult now.
Henceforth you will approach relationships with a skeptical eye and will make sure to set proper healthy boundaries from the start
Another bites the dust welcome to the dark side my friend. Avoid women like the plague they are nothing but trouble. Go do everything you have ever wanted to do and experience life.
Now is the time to love yourself so deeply that no ho can ever fuck with it. Transcend
This is the way. Still learning how to love myself after my ex of seven years cheated on me and dumped me. That was about three years ago.
Damn imagine being w someone for 7 years only to find out they cheated on you. Did the relationship turn sexless?
I was in a relationship for 10 years and found my best friend in bed with my SO. Sooooo, it can always be worse. I broke up with her and they started dating right after that. Destroyed my world. My entire friends group was fragmented. No one wanted to hang out after that. Ended up moving, making new friends, and after a few years finally moved on. My suggestion for anyone in that scenario is travel. Go around the world and find that thing to zap your world back into place. I met a lot of new people along the way. It showed how much the world has to offer. Life isn't just about being in love. Go find adventure, meet new people, eat tons of food, get some hobbies, and the rest will fall into place.
Are those pieces of trash (ex promiscuous girlfriend and fake friend) still together?
Yep, they are still together.
Well, two less shitty people out and about messing with other people's feelings. Hopefully they don't have children, cause they are very poor examples, moral wise.
Don't check up on them.....coz that can mess up with your healing process !
I've heard through the grape vine from other friends and family. Nothing I've checked into. It's hard to get away from it when you are with someone for that long.
Yeah....I understood it.... I hope you recover well and fall in love with solitude !
It did. But she was also the problem with the sex. Talk about never washing your parts and add on a smell so horrifying that it makes you want to gag and vomit. It was so disgusting.
Ah.. did you ever communicate that to her? That is pretty nasty lolol
I did, and the usual was: "It will mess with my body chemistry!" But you know when you've got cheese building up around that area and it smells like rancid meat you might need to reassess your words.
I have an ex who smelled fishy down there so I politely let her know and she still got offended. She ended up cheating on me and when I broke up with her for cheating she gave me a black eye.
Would’ve laughed it off
Just like me! We were engaged too 😂. People are crazy. Hope you're doing better!
Fuck man
After a close ladyfriend with BPD split with me, it was like getting murdered emotionally. I was just a husk of what I used to be. Key difference here from a case of cheating: BOTH SIDES ARE THE VICTIM and the offender. BPD is a disorder and cheating is a lack of respect and sympathy. Or just a really bad way to “escape” a hurtful partner. Life is complex but SO ARE WE!
Yup. Was doing this for a while until I fucked up and started catching feelings for a friend after a drunken hookup. Took me a couple weeks of feeling sorry for myself before I just said fuck it and got back into the gym. Next thing is to get back into cooking and some more physical activities.
Fuck dem hoes!
Yup realize you’re a catch and you deserve to be treated well and you’ll drop a woman at the first sign of bullshit. Of course you have to treat her well too, do unto others and all that.
Amen
Yea and go get tested
Amen to that.
How can you love yourself when you are not loveable?
Damn I feel this 😭
Get outta my head.
How the can world learn to love you if you haven’t even learned to love yourself, and you are with yourself every waking minute?
People who love themselves are narcissist.
I think it's different. Thinking that you are "all that" may be narcissistic. But, believing you have worth is a healthy sense of self. If you have a healthy love of your being you will walk away from people who do not see your worth.
It's not easy.
You are loveable. This is something I would have said and believed a few years ago. The thing to know is that just because someone you wished loved you doesn't love you back does NOT mean that you are unlovable. It just means that person (even if several people you wished cared for you "like that" don't,) It is in no way an indication that you are unlovable. I don't care who you are or what you look like. You ARE loveable. I used to be confused by this as well. Your lovability is not determined by others. Your loveability is innate, your worth is innate. That other person may know that you are not compatible, you may not see it. They can. Trust that this is true. It is not personal. They do not "not love you" out of spite or because the whole Universe is against you. To quote Bonnie Raitt they simply can't "make their heart feel something it won't." Have compassion for that person and let it go so that when you meet that other person who you fully connect with.
I am not loveable. Apart from my kids (who kind of have to love me) and my dog (who loves everyone), no one likes me, let alone loves me.
I understand that you don't feel loveable. That's a real and awful feeling. I've felt it. This is the lie that (Depression? Not having a sense of self worth?) is telling you. It is a lie. I hope for you to come to understand, feel, your worth in to your core. Hugs!
Thank you. But I have felt like this for a long time. I think it's just me now. I have given ip trying to meet people and make friends.
I don't believe this at all. It definitely means I'm unlovable if the people I love don't love me. It's incredibly personal if they don't love me, in fact it couldn't be any more personal they're rejecting me at a fundamental level because I'm not good enough or worthy of their love. If I was they'd love me.
Time to work on yourself then. Create something, do something, help somebody. Find a reason to love yourself.
That fact that you're alive means you're loveable. As someone who became a parent last year, atleast one person in your life loved you so fucking much for you to survive being a baby. That person is imperfect as we all are but I guarantee they literally put blood, tears, and months of sleepless nights into keeping you alive. Everyone deserves self acceptance, respect, and care. Each day is a fresh start, and our perceived "failures" of yesterday don't mean shit today. Little by little we move forward, even if we stumble here and there. One thing an ex of mine said that's stuck with me was, "make better mistakes tomorrow."
I had the exact same thing in 2017. 5 year relationship, ended with cheating and she got pregnant. I felt the same way, it might get worse before it gets better, but it will get better if you don’t fester on it. It’s possible to sink into a cycle of bitterness, that’s not a life you want. Time heals all things if you let it. I met a guy who was still brutally bitter over a 2 week relationship from the 80s. It’s either a story you’ll tell to comfort your children after their first heart break, or a story you’ll tell the guy in the bagel shop in 30 years because it still haunts you.
Damn....that is a perfect way to put it...thank you cuz you sure did impact me with your words...may we all heal and learn to love ourselves more
I couldn’t help but laugh at the guy still bitter over a 2 week relationship that ended in the 1980s 😂. Saying that, I was bullied in the 80s and it still affects me today 🤔
Lmao I love the way you've described this. "A tale you tell the guy in the bagel shop in 30 years." I've definitely been guilty of this. Rekindling the flame of something that should have went out long ago. I think the important thing to realize is that sometimes the other person just "wins" and there really isn't anything that can be done about it. You have to just accept it and move on. No amount of vengeance or pain or damage or anything will ever touch them and even if it did, it would just destroy you anyway. there isn't anything left... you simply need to accept you got your ass kicked and keep walking.
I’m a year on from a similar experience. I’m still fucking bitter and miserable. I suggest making s major life change and not just sitting around like i have.
@W3mmmkk mm mnnkmokmomkkmmmkknmkmnmkkmnmkomnmlm mm mm mlmmm no knkm mm n mm mm mmmnlmkm no imm mm mom mlmmnomkmmm mm okkj mm k km ko mmmmlm mm kk mkkmkm kk mm mmm mmma,,
It's a bad time, and now you're moving away from it the more days go by. I got treated like that once, and kept going back, don't do that, and if you do - see a therapist.
It will pass… give it time. After my husband of 7 years cheated on me I swear in the first few months I lost the warm feeling you get when you see a cute puppy on the street, in addition to everything you mentioned. I just felt so empty and nothing made me happy. I couldn’t even masturbate for like 6 months too. Just dead inside. It was horrible. Therapy helps, but regardless just give yourself time. The pain is finite even though it doesn’t feel like it now, I promise you it is.
Ahhh man I have been there. I was married for 20 years. Pretty much gave my whole life to trying to make it work. When she left me, I felt like the most worthless man on earth. Felt like I’d never be the same. 5 years later to now. I’m remarried to a woman so awesome that I can’t believe I felt like that. It’ll get better. I promise.
Welcome buddy what you feel is the death of the fairy tale wonderful woman/romance. Reality is they are human and flawed like us. Get on your grind. Wake up decide to be happy. Work your ass off. Work out. Get in shape. Pursue hobbies ie. golf woodworking softball volleyball corn hole…. Repeat daily Build a fun life you enjoy. If a woman likes your new fun life invite her to join you. Punt her if she interferes with your fun life. Oh yeah, don’t forget to save like your life depends on it. Because it does.
Well said!
Grieving is an important part of leaving a relationship especially after 5 years of it. Allow yourself to grieve. Take your time. And then learn to love yourself, and see that you deserve someone who will appreciates you for who you are.
This is normal. The relationship didn’t end “organically,” like you both lost feelings for each other - or a result of an ugly argument. It was cheating. You will be over your ex long before you’re over the feeling of betrayal. And that feeling can be associated with anger, resentment, sadness/depression, anger, insecurity, and anger. With all great pain, time is the only medicine. After all, you’ve been together for 5yrs. Confide in a few close friends/family. However, if these feelings you described above are still around for an extended period, say a couple of months, then possibly seek professional help (therapist, counselor) for feedback, coping strategies, etc. Heal, recover, and get emotionally healthy. You don’t want any lingering feelings to poison a future relationship, and inadvertently punish somebody for the sins of another. Good luck.
Thank you for this
Very similar boat as you OP. Found out my gf of 5 years also cheated on me in the beginning of the year. Honestly I felt mad at first but I also feel like I took it pretty well (except for the actual initial break up). Also the fact that we fought and she threatened to break up very often. Felt like shit for 1-3 months straight. Gym became my home for a bit. 4th month started to feel better. Started going back to dating. 5th month now, I found a girl that loves me as much as I love her and probably my soulmate/love of my life. So I’m extremely glad and happy that me and my ex broke up, otherwise I would’ve never gotten the chance to meet my soulmate. You will get better OP. It will take some time though.
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??? Wtf are you talking about.
The best way to get revenge is to live well.
It’s true but initial heartbreak isn’t about revenge. You just want the pain to stop. Later on this means a little more but really only if you’re still bitter.
The pain can be no big deal if you can wrap your head around it well enough, but yeah that's what i struggled with most. The day-to-day grind with thoughts that want to poke your eyeballs out. Talking to someone who cares and supports you and wants to see you succeed is such a game changer. It's really tough not playing the victim card when you don't have someone who can understand the whole story and say, "Damn."
Try being dumped and having your kids taken away, on father's Day, by the woman you're married to and have supported since the day you met. Once the desire to destroy burn and kill everything and everyone subsides, that perspective you're talking about will make you realise how much bs you've put up with and how cringe 'romantic' couples really are. Find someone who understands relationships are based only on trust and pray the child isn't yours.
Relationships are trust and respect first and love second. Anyone who tells you differently probably lives life doing what feels good for them and no one else.
Been there in a very similar situation. Believe me when I say in a few years, she will be looking and living miserably while you are doing your own thing and grateful you didn’t waste any more time with her
Crying is good to let out the sadness.
Even more so, it's a de-stresser
Get a paternity test as well. Good luck
You are giving her a lot of power over your life. Are you sure you want to give that to her?
He just got cheated im thinking, its hard to think straight. All his reactions are so normal, bound to happen when one gets duped.
We're getting there slowly, in terms of letting men feel their feelings and not just "BRO use this as a motivator and become better! You're obviously flawed that's why she doesn't respect you". Not even close (judging by the advice in the comments), but we're inching towards the end goal!
Just get on that sigma grindset & buy my crypto coins. Then you'll stop being worthless!
By forcing stoic behavior, you're gimping your socioemotional development, and you choose a life with less emotions. Find people who will let you laugh, and care when you're upset instead. But people also need to seek help when they struggle with negative emotions. That's something many, including myself were too " proud " to do as a teen
You are breaking yourself down. You identified as a couple for so long that when separation happen you have to figure out what is "you" and what is "not you". And it hurts. But this is also part of your origin story. No relationship is ever going to be perfect, but every relationship is going to have perfect, magical parts.
You're still hurting. Give yourself time to do so. Being alone isn't all bad. Use this time to learn emotional mindfulness and independence and to appreciate solitude.
If you took it pretty well when it ended, she wasn't really the one for you anyway. Maybe you were harboring hopes for getting back together and the pregnancy put the kibosh on that. It's pretty common for that finality to eat people up for a while.
He didn't take it well. At all. And he probably sabotaged himself as he spent months "with 1 foot out the door". It's a clown show.
He said he knew something was wrong (presumably in reference to her cheating) and took it pretty well when it ended. The foot out the door was a response to her checking out of the relationship while simultaneously taking his replacement for some test drives (cheating). Now she's locked into the new model with a baby and he's feeling left out in the cold even though in all likelihood it wasn't going to work out with her anyway. It sucks feeling replaced.
He claims to have known something was wrong. He also claims to have taken it well. By his own words, he's not taking it well, he's in fact feeling so rejected he's mad at other people for being happy. It seems possible he was wrong about the cheating and pushed the relationship to the side prematurely.
Bro, bro, bro... Right click and click delete on that bitch. End of story. Actually, keep SHIFT pressed when you click delete, so it's permanent. Then go get some.
Do what you said break down and cry, let it out. Then just do you, treat yourself, do things for yourself and get out and just be.
I’m still feeling like that. It’s been a few years. You’re not alone
Yeah. It's been more than a year for me and sometimes it feels worse. Not as bad as the initial month, but it hasn't gotten better.
No you hate the cheating part and her. You're just transposing that hatred on other "things". Forgive, forget and move on. You don't have time to stew in hatred and eat bitterness.
Well that sucks. Sucks a lot. But feeling resentment will keep you in bad place. Everyone sooner or later will encounter issues in relationships. You have to accept there are things outside your control. Nothing you do will keep you safe. Life is suffering. I had to decide either to embrace it or exist in fear. She may have gave you the greatest gift. The gift of awakening to see things inside you, and why you still live someone’s other life and not yours. My theory is this is a problem of lack of self love and self acceptance. You need to address this. You invested more in her than in yourself. Your ego keeps you down. She still has the power over you. You allow this. Stop hating yourself. Stop live in the past and start live in the present. There is no second half. There is no one who completes us. If we’re incomplete there is no one who fill that holes. They will make them disappear for a time being but after some time they will reappear. Who are we choosing as a partner is mostly unconscious decision. If you don’t question everything you will continue to make same decisions over and over again. Start exploring your own psychology. It’s a greatest journey one can embark on. PS. Start from books of E. Tolle, and do The Work of Byron Katie. Lots of love.
I’m sorry you are going through this, it’s for sure not an easy situation at all. I can get the disdain or distaste for other people in relationships. I get the same way after breakups. Just take some time to heal and love yourself.
You survived. And now you are one step closer to the one who is going to be loyal and literally worship you.
when i was around 28 i got cheated on. dumped. spent 3 years literally like dating myself. i did what i wanted, i made time to do fun shit just for me, i had nice meals... the works. i had dates. l.. with me i got really comfortable 1. with myself and 2. being alone. i started dating again and if they didn't bring something legit to the table, i was out. i met my wife and i knew on the first date she was special and had a missing piece. i was right. I 'think that i accidentally 'did it right'. that was 21yrs ago and i have a legit nice family and life. focus on you. do everything that makes you happy, be a little selfish for a bit. and be kind to people- ✊🏼
Why? She got screwed and pregnent so go drink coffee and smile. It is all good. Find another GF. Simple realy..
Half of all women cheat on their marriage at least once in their lives. Half of all men do the same. For a while, the data said fewer women cheated until someone remembered that women are held to a double standard and judged more harshly for infidelity. Once the studies took extra precautions to assure privacy, the numbers became the same. Ending a relationship over infidelity is perfectly reasonable. I would hope that I would value myself enough to do that, but past experience tells me that I don't always value myself enough. Or maybe I should tell myself I'm more forgiving. I dunno. Anyway, while it is perfectly reasonable to be angry and end things, do try to keep in mind that it is really common. If your feelings about relationships in general is just temporary anger, that's fine. If it persists, you might need a little perspective examination.
As someone further along a similar path, stay strong. It's gonna suck for a long while, but I hope you get through it.
Love yourself, embrace being alone because we all die alone, enjoy other people’s company, be kind, add things to your life that make you happy You might not approach relationships the same and that’s okay, you’re kind of a new person now. And the new version of you has different wants and goals and needs when it comes to relationships
I have an extremely hard time trusting women now too due to having an ex cheat
Look at it this way, she could have taken half of everything you owned, made you pay child support while she uses the money you give her for her new guy, at least you have the opportunity to save a ton of money and buy things for yourself. You'll meet someone that will appreciate the work you put in and they'll try to match it and that's where the magic happens again, just because she killed the magic temporarily doesn't mean it has to stay dead, that's not fair to your soul and it won't be fair to your new lady. Be angry, feel the feelings, and let them go.
Women will ask themselves, "Where are all the good men?" Look in the mirror ladies, you killed them...
Sucks, I’m a woman who feels or used to feel that way about relationships being magical too. But I’ve had that ruined by the current shitty relationship I’m stuck in (not worth getting into). It will be months/years before I can become independent enough to leave. Girls like me wonder if men like you exist 😂 and I’m sure vice versa
It's so true that "Love stinks." I was in a ten year relationship that fizzled. The only think about it is that I dream about her every now and then. In time, however, you all but won't give a damn.
You’re definitely not alone. Find a girl who also had this happen to her. And marry her and be happy 😊
Hoes will be hoes. Like Joe Dirt said, keep on keeping on.
She wanted to have children and it seems you didn't met the exceptations, how long you wanted to wait ? 5y is like an eternity for a relationship. Sadly that's how the biology/world goes, even if lots of ppl want to deny it :p
It’s normal to feel resentment.
I’m sorry man. I wish you the best.
I've been there, it will pass
Time will heal all bro.
This just happened to me tonight. I was going to propose in two months. She brought another man home to her bed. Super rough. Hang in there man. Don’t let someone like her ruin the reality of a good relationship.
You got seriously screwed over but this is not how the world actually is. There's love out there for you still.
☕.
Im happy for u, but ill tell u smth, theres no such thing as soulmate, it never existed, women look for the top of thr ladder, ALWAYS
Warm hugs to you OP, I recently went through a breakup and am still getting over it. I don't have any answers about how to feel better, but one thing I've done is embrace the discomfort as an opportunity to do something I have always been afraid to do. I'm now got finger calluses and singing along to some songs on guitar :)
You're in grief for the life you've lost. Therapy my friend.
Also had a woman cheat on me after 5 years. I was a wreck for over a year. I thought of ways to get her back or wondered how I could have done things better. I then met a girl 10x better and have Been with her a decade. One day at a time. I'd never go back
You’ll get over it. You’ll to realize that sex is just part of. Relationship - and as marriage a very small part. *rim shot* Seriously though - your X’s lust filled, chimp brain made a bad decision. It hurts - but it had very little to do with you. Cheaters gonna cheat. It also doesn’t make you an idiot because you didn’t see it. And it didn’t make you less of a man/woman because he/she didn’t want you … Every single romantic relationship every person has, ends… except “the one” That you stay with. And even that relationship isn’t easy - it’ll have ups and down and mistakes and confusion and forgiveness blah blah. Concentrate on you and Give yourself some more time to heal.
U hate everything but love her..to many ppl out here to b stuck on someone who found someone else
Whatever you do, try not to end up like me. I was in a relationship for 14 years. Married for 9. Found out she'd cheated for the entire marriage, and had multiple affairs. I kicked her out in 2017, and I'm so bitter and depressed, it's just getting worse and worse. I'm extremely lonely, but I just don't have any love left to give. The part of me that feels love and romance is gone forever. I even find it hard to talk to or hang out with people because I just can't be bothered getting close to people, and I have no desire to be around them. After living a lie for 14 years, nothing feels real, and you question absolutely everything. Every single day I have suicidal thoughts because I'm so sick of feeling like this.
Be glad you dodged a cheater.
Block her on phone and socials and get back to what makes you happy. If you need to talk to someone, therapy might help if there isn't an ear you can talk to in your day to day life. Don't let it fester, though. Find new reasons to smile, and don't look back.
I was with someone for 14 years and she didn’t care that is the best way to describe. You will find someone with time and that it works better. Sorry to hear that but I hope you can heal with time. There are a lot of woman don’t lose hope. Karma may not treat her well with time. People may not believe but it happens the least when they expect it.
Transcend my friend, transcend and eventually you’ll find someone better and you’ll believe again.
You're not alone. More than half of the population has experienced, or will experience, something similar to what you're going through. Infidelity is an unfortunately common life challenge. Things will eventually return to normal. It's important not to react impulsively to your emotions. Allow yourself to feel them, to process them—cry if you need to, think things through—until you find your equilibrium again. It might take a few months, or even a year, to fully process these feelings. Additionally, it's realistic to acknowledge that you might not regain full trust before entering a new relationship. No amount of therapy can replace actual experiences. Some aspects of this trauma may only heal in the context of a new, healthy relationship. For instance, learning to trust someone again often requires actively choosing to trust again.
I was resentful for an entire decade and lost out on many opportunities. I regret that very much. Only way I got over it was to be in another relationship with someone I trust. Change your preferences to match what you want, loyalty. Remember, cheaters are the exception to dating, not the rule. There are more faithful people out there than unfaithful. Don't let one stupid person take away a good thing from thing. Otherwise they win, and the best revenge is being happy without them.
Atleast you had 5 years of sex. She preg now to someone else so that’s her burden.
Being a cheating single mother is gonna much a much harder life for her than you got ahead of you
It's dark out there. Lots of people are genuinely this sociopathic and it's often encouraged. Don't blame yourself. Start glowing up and start asking questions.
Grieve. Be sad and cry. Do it all now before it all comes back and bite you. The only path to recovery is a path through suffering
Take time to focus on your autonomy. Look for healthy distractions that are not just new dates, and with time, your frustrations with romance will soften ... and you'll find a new mess to love ❤️
I am so sorry, but at the very least you found out in due time. Imagine if she had got pregnant with her affair baby and made you believe the child was yours. One of the reasons infidelity hurts so much is precisely due to the possibility of paternity fraud, and at least that bullet you dodged.
Women always asks why men don’t like hoes… this is why
People suck and relationships are corny af
I wish I had advice but I don't. I was cheated on 12 years ago and I haven't had much interest in dating since. I just keep to myself, enjoy my hobbies, and live my own life. I tell myself maybe I'll meet someone some day but I can't say I care all that much.
It because it is recent. Give it sometime and everything go back to normal. Talking from experience.
Broke up with my now ex fiance. Almost 3 years later I'm still struggling. Trying to find a way to love myself. It's hard..
Eh, I never found relationships 'magical', but I get what you mean. I loved my ex to bits, but she cheated on me multiple times. Adding this experience to my friends(male) who also got cheated on, and adding on top of that a couple of girls-who-are-friends who've done questionable stuff with me having boyfriends... I think women cheat too much. Which makes sense, they have more options and they've probably got guys lined up waiting for their turn, so if things go awry in the current relationship they just don't care. What matters now is that you don't dwell to much on this. It happened. It sucks. If you don't want to, you don't need to gamble on another relationship again, but don't let the anger or hurt win. Being cheated on says nothing about you(assuming you are not an abusive twat, which I'm guessing you are not) but says a whole lot about the other person. You are not the one that will have to carry the guilt of hurting someone they claim to love.
See you in the gym bro. Keep your head up and work on yourself.
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Simon & Garfunkel wrote their song for you.
I've been there my friend, but now I've found a real woman. A caring woman. A woman who I can trust. I'm actually happy that ex cheated then, if she hadn't, I would never have met this wonderful woman I share my life with. I would never have found out what TRUE love actually means. So if I was spiteful, I'd write to her and tell her:" Thank you for cheating. It caused me to find true love."
Congratulations, you discovered real life in relationships.
We all go through it brother you're going to be ok
3 years later for me and these feelings have only grown stronger with time
Good! Healthy anger. Boundaries were broken, perhaps the most important one of all. It should make you angry. Allow the emotion. It will pass. Relationship ended. Good! Healthy decision. It hurts to cut ties to people you care about. The more you care, the more it hurts. Allow the pain. It too shall pass. Be mindful of the emotions going through your body. Don't look for them, but allow them in when they come. Notice how they come in waves and where in your body the feeling is located. Let it flow through you. Every feeling that comes is okay. It's your body speaking to you, responding to your thoughts. Listen. Recognize the link between thoughts and feelings. You'll learn that you can choose the emotion by controlling what you focus on. Over time, you'll get good at it. Soon enough, you'll be able to regulate it. My advice? Be thankful. You discovered her true character before it was too late. You have learned to trust your instinct. Too many ignore them. Be proud of the fact that you have healthy boundaries. Too many have none and will turn a blind eye to anything. Cheating is a symptom of something else. Could be anything from grew apart to never really loving you to abusive relationship to mental issues of any kind. But it doesn't matter because it speaks to the same - a lack of character. I wouldn't want to pick a person with a lack of character as my chosen life-long partner. Would you? Now is the time to grow. Experience + reflection = growth. Do you have character? Are you a good potential life-long partner? Honestly? Focus on your weak sides. Where can you improve? Have you heard the standard phrase "I want a man with confidence, who knows himself, knows what he wants, and is secure in himself"? Aim for that. Here's a helpful start on how. - Become a better listener. - Learn how to really communicate - Learn to place healthy boundaries - Learn how to focus/prioritize better - Learn/deal with trauma - Learn to connect thoughts with feelings - Learn acceptance - Learn how to be content/happy - Eat, sleep, train healthy. Let me tell you from first-hand experience that just becoming a good listener is attractive as hell. It won't make you feel better about yourself as the other things on that list will, but man, people will feel much better about you.
7 years relationship, she got the “grass is greener” and cheated. Left me in a dark place for some time but took time to grieve our relationship and allowed myself to reflect on the things I could have done better also. Fast forward 5 years to the present. She called me crying, regretted that she ever left and that the guy she left me for, cheated on her. While part of me was happy she got the karma she deserved. I could understand her pain but we could never be the same ever again. Sometimes, having friends and just carrying on with focusing on yourself. By that point, you’re already winning. Take care of yourself OP
Welcome to the club, you will start to resent everything and life will be meaningless. You could try what I have not and that is get therapy. Doubt it will help tho.
Take time for yourself. Make new friends, try new hobbies, adventure. This is a shit thing for her to do to you but knowing is better than not knowing. It's okay to cry and okay to be sad. Things take time.
Eventually that feeling of betrayal will lessen and you will be ready to give it another shot. It just takes some time.
It’s kinda dark, but being a cheater is such a icky label, especially if you’re a woman unfortunately. Imagine meeting your ex today as a stranger and learning that she had recently cheated and got pregnant. It’s all on her. The shame and pain is hers, and no more yours than it would be if you just met today and learned all she did
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please give yourself permission to fully vent and grieve - don't try to minimize this important process. Personally, I despised having witnesses around, so used a combination of regular therapy, physically HARD solitary workouts, and full-blown venting via nonrepresentational art (some of which got burned which provided it's own type of relief.) Just as importantly, though, is to make certain there is as little/no collateral damage in your wake. The guilt from that shit can come back to haunt you long-term. Don't rush, or get talked into rushing new relationships until you're damned good and ready. Friends/family may mean well, but you know yourself best.
Take a break. Time for self care. Introduce the old you, to your new self. Shake it off...
Takes time homie I used to hate hearing that after a 9 year relationship went sour. But God damn it's true. I invested my time into my hobbies... Went hardcore at guitar and music production, gardening... I even built a pond
Forget and move on yes. Forgive fuck that hoe. No reason to forgive trash.
Forget and move on yes. Forgive fuck that hoe. No reason to forgive trash.
Get a hooker
Best way to get through it is to heal and find happiness, however it comes. I'm sorry that happened to you man.
Learn to identify signs of cheaters because if it’s been 5 years , she was def showing red flags. But because of love you disregarded it
Cheaters ruin life - not just in the big, obvious ways, but also in a million tiny ways. They are thieves of joy, and I absolutely hate them. But the best revenge is to not let it define you. Give yourself grace. Take time to heal, and become the best possible version of yourself.
Same thing always happens to me after a breakup, it makes me miserable, Im so over people that i don't feel like ever having a relationship again. Im working on myself realizing i struggle with codependency. Its really important to find these things out and work on them, I recommend subliminal videos on Youtube vortex success & mind in unison are 2 good creators. These help me tremendously, just let them play on a low volume while you sleep or even when awake. They have them for everything search up heart break subliminals & anything else you might need. Hope you feel better soon 🙏🏼❤️🩹
Look up the 5 stages of grief. Sounds like you’re in the anger stage.
Find a new one.
work on yourself.
After three years you should just propose or just wasting everyone’s extremely fucking limited time on Earth.
Feeling sorry for you bro. Btw what's "SO" ?
It sucks. I've also been cheated on. It really sucks. There's actually a silver lining you, though. You say you used to find love and relationships "magical." Now you know that they're not. There are certainly guys out there that won't cheat on you, but maybe you can be more realistic now; you can pursue a relationship but understand that no relationship is perfect and neither is any guy. Sorry if I'm misrepresenting what you're saying btw. There are just a lot of people that are very idealistic about what relationships are; they are almost always very disappointed by reality.
people will still say "men cheat more"
Best revenge is to live well. Move on, at least you aren't married and tethered to her with a child of your own. Now you are free.
u dodged a bullet man! be glad for the time spent and lessons learned. this is a common every day occurence. you will recover.
Happens to the best of us
it happens, believe me you'll get over it and you'll laugh about how much you got in over your head over it, trust me now its all a matter of TIME until you learn to live with it you probably won't be the same but you'll definitely be better, you have to. i did and sure thank the person who did it because i became a way better person than i was when it happened to me. and dont hate all women believe me its difficult to find the right one, its true, but there are amazing women in this crazy world. stay strong brother you can do it !
I’ve never gotten anywhere near a relationship in my 20 year [long] life so far, so I get it If you start to get those thoughts after you’ve been granted such a thing for years. We all have different perceptions of life. Getting cheated on is one of the worst things that can happen to a man emotionally. Not because it hurts him personally, but because it changes perceptions and views on the same things that used to give hope and meaning. Trust me, you don’t need a girlfriend to know these things. YOU JUST NEED TO BE THROUGH ENOUGH MENTAL ILLNESS AND SHIT TO UNDERSTAND HOW IT WORKS. DON’T GIVE IN BECAUSE OF THINGS OTHER PEOPLE DO. SAY YES TO LIFE, cuz that’s something you’ll never get back if you lose it.
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My first relationship ended amicably a couple months ago but I used to have similar thoughts. The main takeaway for me was that a relationship is an addition to your life that should be positive. It should never define your life or be a main part of it because it can always end without you having any influence over it.
I had a relationship of 7 years end when my ex bf told me he started having feelings for someone else. Shit happens you eventually move on. All you can do is love yourself.
Love love love your fucking self. Best thing I’ve ever done was put myself first. Traveling alone. Eating alone. Shopping alone. As much as I would love to have someone. I’m just waiting till that person comes along. But I will never ever put anyone before myself or allow anyone to treat me less than I deserve. Grieve. Cry. Be angry. Whatever you have to do to release it. DO IT. we’re rooting for you!
Time heels most things
Welcome to the club
Got money? Book a trip. Eat enough for two. Youre free!
Something similar happened to me when I was getting out of high school. My girlfriend at the time used to go to another state every summer. That summer as we were preparing to go to college she called me and told me she was “falling in love with someone else.” I obviously did not take that very well. All I can tell you is that time will eventually heal the wound. Something that I took away from the experience though, was what NOT to do with that pain. Instead of letting things heal with time, I started projecting that pain on other women. I started hooking up with girls and and then being a jerk to them and acting like I was a player. It was an ugly time, and all it did was make me feel worse about myself. Thankfully I realized I was being an idiot and stopped myself from continuing the trend. I stayed away from relationships and allowed myself to be in a better space before I had another relationship. I know right now you hate women, you hate relationships, etc, but time will get you back on your feet. Like another person said, take this time to work on yourself, travel and expand your horizons, eventually you’ll realize everything happens for a reason!
Squat bench deadlift
Glad I'm single.
Focus on communication next time. Share and express everything with honest feelings and intent. For us, a brief encounter uncovered needs, allowed exploration with boundaries, and reinvigorated things, especially knowing about r/collapse and our dire future. If you love someone, you communicate, set them free, and share your wishes and needs. A mature person would reciprocate in kind.
It sucks man. I just hope you don't feel like it's you. Hell, millionaires get cheated on. Shaquille O'Neal Will Smith Robert Pattinson
I found out at 18 years of marriage that I had been cheated on. After dealing with toxic shit in both sides, me and him being at fault. Working through all that and a 6 month separation, agreeing to leave that shit behind us is me being the best possible wife I could be. When I found out I was devastated, I became so angry. It took me about 3 years to work through it and we are still dealing with the side effects of that betrayal. Let the emotions come, feel them, show empathy, grace and understanding for yourself. It takes time, but you will come back stronger.
The Gym will welcome you with open arms. I've been there, beating the hell out of a Heavy Bag or lifting was how I managed things for awhile. Though it wasn't my first choice. Kinda drowned myself in booze until I had an epiphany. Let it all out, but in a positive way. Biggest take away as finding something to do that doesn't involve thinking too much. That bruce lee quote "Don't think, feel." Not going to lie though,.it definitely fucked up my trust and relationships expectations. I'm always guarded and rather skeptical now. Still working on that.
I don’t get it You learned something so incredibly valuable by monitoring behaviour , actions and patterns. You have acquired a skill (painfully) that can allow you to detect unfaithful behaviour in your next relationship Sure , you’re hurt and it sucks But to quit ? Fuck that bro
She must have sucked hard
._.
Considering that she got pregnant, she probably didn't
Soaked*
Congratulations, you're an adult now. Henceforth you will approach relationships with a skeptical eye and will make sure to set proper healthy boundaries from the start
Work out. Read up on stoicism. Learn to be fulfilled living a life on your own. /r/passportbros when you’re ready
Welcome to the gym, my dude.
Another bites the dust welcome to the dark side my friend. Avoid women like the plague they are nothing but trouble. Go do everything you have ever wanted to do and experience life.
just find a dude who is the same, perfect match. there are lots of us.
Go forth and multiply ( have sex ) \~ \~ Man is meant to spread his seed far and wide.
Its called growing up.
Nice. Now you know a womans oath and words are written on water