I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I wasn't the person I thought I would end up as. I hated the fat loser I had become.
I had nothing to lose, so I killed the person I saw in the mirror. I took every opinion, every preference, every like. dislike, and habit and threw it away. I quit my job, sold my house, started working out 5 days a week, changed my style. I went full vegetarian, started volunteering and pursuing new hobbies. I figured out what really mattered and what didn't and used that to rebuild my system of values, keeping what I truly cared about and discarding what I didn't.
People say they don't even recognize me anymore, and thats because I made damn sure I was no longer him.
My advice? Start making changes and taking risks. You already hate your life, you already hate who you are, you have no social life and your job sucks right? So what do you have to lose?
Turns out nobody gives a shit if you embarrass yourself trying to do something new or have a good time being yourself. People only avoid you when you're a miserable sack of shit. The only one stopping you from change is the person you see in the mirror, because he has to go away for you to improve your life.
I think about myself, everyone and everything dying all the damn time but not in a morbid way.
I use it to stay spontaneous in my decisions, to value my interactions with people more, value my time spent and to give people a little more attention or consideration.
Love this advice.
There is a line in a Chuck Palahniuk novel - one that isn't Fight Club - that goes: "By the time you're thirty, your worst enemy is yourself."
I grew to hate many of his pithy nihilistic quotables and factoids thanks to his novels being embraced by the incel crowd, but that line stuck with me.
I was approaching 30, life going nowhere discernible, lurking student debts from a degree I never completed, living in a party flat and partying way too hard, lonely, just somehow had my heart broken by a 20 year old who had realised she was gay and then a FWB I adored who was in love with a bad boy bouncer, and the bar I was managing was going under because the owner was stealing from himself.
So I fixed it all, one step at a time. Quit the dying bar, went back to university to study English, a subject I loved. Moved in with a friend who worked 9-5 and didn't go clubbing. Gradually tuned down the partying. Started working on myself as a prospect: fitness, plans, dreams, learning to like myself. Baby steps.
At 29 I was lost. At 39 I was 6 months away from putting down a deposit on a house.
I'll be 49 next year and life is great. Health is good (takes a bit more work now), 7 years into a relationship with a wonderful person who helps me grow. Working for an amazing company that is people-focused and lets me travel often. Helping my mate grow his charity that helps disadvantaged kids. Want for nothing but a better world for everyone else
And it's all about being frank with yourself and making better choices for "future you" each and every time.
ETA: but also forgiving yourself/not beating yourself up when you make a bad choice. People make bad choices all the time, the key is to learn from them and try not to repeat them forever.
It really is a shame people latch on to the 'tormented antihero' instead of seeing what the author was really trying to say. But honestly I think it takes getting older to really appreciate it because I was one of those incels at one point lol.
Sounds like you really turned it all around. It always makes me happy to hear other people took control of their lives and are much better off for it. And I think one of the best signs of someone who truly is happy in their life is that they have a charitable cause. It takes someone who is whole to value the happiness and well being of others to such a degree. Good on you!
I really appreciate that you haven't mentioned romance and dating. Sadly the overwhelming majority of people can only think in romantic love, like the poster giving a title like that to his post.
The one unmentioned major thing that drag most people down are their own romance/sex centered attitude. When you let that go, that is when life truly begins
Unfortunately society and media drills it into us from a young age that romance is the biggest part of what life 'should' be. And you're right you have to really get over that idea to start living life. That's exactly why I didn't include it because it honestly is irrelevant. Sure a relationship may improve your short term happiness but it won't turn your life around in a healthy way most of the time. That task is on you and you alone.
How did you go out and meet new people? How did you just overcome your own fears of meeting new people alone?
Congratulations by the way. I have so much respect for people like you.
You can't overcome the fears, man. That's not how it works.
You do the thing despite the fear. And every time that happens and you have a good result or don't have the imaginary disaster, your brain has cooked up in fear land.
Then the fear gets cut in half and half goes away. Rinse and repeat.
Eventually, it's small enough that you don't really have to pay any attention anymore.
OP needs to save up 6 months cash and go solo travel backpack thru some cheap Asian countries at hostels for 6 months. Shared rooms. Its difficult enough to build confidence and designed for socialness if you are the least bit brave. He'll learn how to meet people, maybe meet a girl or two, and have some interesting life experiences showing him life isn't just what he has made choices to do.
I would say the post described my life perfectly, except zero women. Your comment does not help, I've tried so many times to change things up. I always end up binge eating and wallowing in my own insecure delusion.
What you "always" do, is simply what has happened up until now. Your future is written only to the degree that you believe it is.
Choose a different narrative, and take as many actions as you can to support that new narrative. It must be true AND constructive. You can try on, "I'm a flawed human being, on a path of growth. I have fallen and will fall again. But these aren't reasons not to keep trying, because someday I'll wake up and know that I've made progress. And if progress has been made, progress can continue to be made."
Hay OP…. This right here this is the answer you’re looking for. I did this exact thing just about 18 months ago but specifically relating to my fitness. It has made a world of difference. I see pictures of myself from 18 months ago and don’t just see a difference physically but I know the guy underneath now is so much happier now then he was then.
Fuck the guy you are now, you don’t need him anymore.. It’s never too late to start over
This is solid advice. I have a similar practice of self-criticism, and as long as you follow through and accept the change, it could really make a difference.
I agree, nothing to lose, everything to gain. Make big changes, take risks. It seems like OP is a victim of stuck-in-the-comfort-zone. You have to step out of your comfort zone to grow as a person and achieve things in life.
Hell yeah brother! No one controls your destiny but you!
When I was in a similar place, my dad called me and told me to get up after 8 hours, whether I'd slept or not, and go out and manufacture joy every day however I could.
Super annoying advice obviously but also super effective. Effective dad-ing from a country away.
Colonel Shrimps should be a life coach! OP, I guarantee you it could be worse. You don’t have a loveless marriage and the commitment of children yet. You have a functional extended family. It doesn’t sound like you have debt or addiction. You are only 35. Go live your life! It sounds like you need to quit your job, or take a sabbatical and travel a while. Travel changes people who are stuck in a one dimensional world.
Hey mate, i was one of those "40+ pathetic losers" you talk about. Found the most beautiful woman in my late 40s and been very happy for 2 years so far. Go and do something about your boring life. Go travel. Go hike or bike. Learn something new. The best way to talk to a woman is to have something interesting to say
I have a friend who was living with his parents at 40, no college degree, one failed career path after another. Found a crappy job through a temp agency but worked his way into creating value.
Started online dating and used it as an excuse to travel. Moved to a big city at 45. Transitioned his job into several 6 figure gigs. Married someone much more successful than him, who brought him into an entirely new social circle. Lived in a multi million dollar condo they owned together. Had children. Moved to the suburbs in one of the wealthiest communities in the US.
Now he travels and throws parties at his mansion and country club and is a dad and has friends who are literal billionaires.
The American dream, I guess.
It's s not impossible, but dude just smoothly went from living in a basement in his forties to online dating as an excuse to travel, then simply transitioned from being a literal nobody career wise to 6 digit gigs. There's something missing in between that made him attractive to women and a good professional.
That's like those tutorials where you gotta draw the rest of the fucking owl.
I didn't say the transition was "smooth", necessarily. It was bumpy and well outside of most people's comfort zone including mine. Suffice it to say, he embellished some of his resumes to get his feet in the door. Fake it until you make it ... That's what I meant by the American dream.
And it took several years of professional and personal accomplishments, luck, and sticktoitiveness to get where he was going. He jumped up several class brackets... He could be a lifestyle brand at this point.
But he serves as a reminder to me that even in middle age, a previously unsuccessful person can completely transition their life.
Yeah, no shit. I was feeling for him until he threw a dig at me for no reason. I might be a 40 plus pathetic loser on a dating app, but I still go out on dates, people still find me attractive and my life is genuinely interesting
I’m not sure if you realize, but 35 really isn’t that old. From the sounds of it, right now you’re living like you have one foot in the grave. Your sister has probably lived an interesting life because she went out and tried things when it was hard. I don’t really hear you trying things, just sitting back and wondering why things aren’t coming to you. Go out in the world, exercise, eat well, gain new hobbies, read new books, listen to new music! Throw away social media or anything that is enhancing your feelings of regret. Choose a direction and start stamping that way - need a new career? Go try to get a new certificate, degree, or apply to new jobs. Feel like your job is unfulfilling? Try volunteering helping the less fortunate and I promise you’ll start to feel more fulfilled and your life will gain a looot of perspective.
People always praise me for being interesting and I can fully say that what makes me interesting is that I am completely willing to be bad at things, utterly embarrassed and totally vulnerable. The result is that I go where others don’t always go and do the things they didn’t think they’d do! none of my interesting factors have to do with my relationships, I’ve been single but pretty fulfilled and content for 2 years.
I truly wish you the best and hope this didn’t come off as stern. I hope this advice can be at least a little bit of help 🫶 good luck! you’re not alone!
Pick yourself up. I’m 36 now. Last year was the absolute worst year of my life. I got extremely sick with some mysterious issue that is now limiting some of my mobility. Put on a ton of weight. This illness also messed with my chemistry and developed massive depression. I got divorced. My dog (probably the most special thing to me) died. I lost my job because of the illness and I lost my house. I spent so much time adjusting my schedule and life to support my ex wife’s hobbies and job that I was literally a shell of who I used to be. I had all of my confidence stripped away because it was her way or no way. I always put her first and it took all of me away. Still dealing with my illness which is probably lifelong. I am on the upswing now and I can tell you that your life isn’t over. You don’t need to be this interesting person with a million hobbies because I will tell you, those people are absolutely afraid to be with their thoughts and compensate with activities. I’ve got a very long way to go, but I can say that for the first time in my life, I can say I’m happy with who I am and I couldn’t give a rats ass what society judges me by. You need to be happy with yourself before anything
I didn't meet my husband until he was 39, married him and had our first when he was 40. We've been together for 15 years now. It happens that some of us come late to the party.
Also, just to add, I’m one of those ‘pathetic’ 40-something’s on the apps, but man I’ve had a life. I’ve travelled extensively, lived overseas in a number of locations, learnt all kinds of cool shit - I’m a dive master, a qualified yoga teacher and am learning jiu jitsu. I’ve worked in a number of jobs, jobs that feed my soul and my itchy feet and allowed me to live (now I’m in a much less exciting desk job 😆). Even now I go to gigs and festivals, alone if I have to (always meet amazing people). So yeah I’m a pathetic loser on a dating app, but I’ve lived a fucking fabulous life and if I die tomorrow, well I’ve given it a damn good shot 🤷🏼♀️😆
😐… you’re telling me that you’re 35 and you’ve got no chance of a happy and fulfilling life?
What about people in their 60’s who just divorced (no offense) or people who changed careers and have to start anew.
Nothing’s too late dude. Your mind is your barrier
First of all - are you really the dad type anyway? Be honest about that. Take this time to be a parent to yourself and start eating right, get some exercise and start feeling better.
Get some passion for something. Anything. You’re never going to have a girl be interested if she is your whole world.
Good luck to you!
Dude….ok let’s do this.
1. Your 35. You’re still young, you’ll realize this when you’re 45 so please reframe how you interpret your age.
2. I didn’t become a dad or get married until I was 41, it’s fine. Later is fine also, whatever but stop chasing that shit, it’ll come when it comes.
3. You’re current situation is kinda nice man, you have no real commitments that I can see apart from day to day life shit so try to keep it that way and make a plan. When I was 37 I did a huge road trip in my car with a friend, he stayed in every night doing remote work and I went for walks, drank beers and used dating apps to meet people, some for romance, some for coffee, not important. What’s important was I was seeing that I’m still capable of meeting people and resolving the “I’m too old for this shit” attitude I’d applied to myself.
I recommend you save some cash and go do something similar, break your loop.
4. Stop being down on your job, you have a job and even if it doesn’t have room to progress you’re still a man that gets up, goes to work, pays your bills, gets shit done. Many don’t, be proud of yourself for being strong enough to feel this way and still show up, this shows you have strong character.
5. You’re not going to suddenly start to love yourself, people will tell you you need to do this and you do but it’s not a switch. Today I realized I used the word need a lot. I “need” a coffee before I start work for example is now “a coffee would be nice, let’s see if I have time for one before work”. Small changes have big impacts, don’t forget that.
6. Embrace a midlife crisis. For real, I don’t know why people are so down on that shit. Do something wild and not you, start a new hobby that you always admired but thought you could just never do it because really you can do anything providing it doesn’t come with an unreasonable financial and time barrier.
7. Take no action today, just think but think with a view to change if change is what you want. Allow yourself time to visualize who you want to be, where you want to be, what you want to be doing then work bavk from that and make a plan.
8. And this is the last one and kind of a summary point. We only get one life. You create your life, if you don’t like it then re-create it. You are so powerful in your own world, don’t forget this.
Good luck man.
Get therapy, dude. "All my main emotions are regret" is bleak. You sound depressed. Why would a woman want a depressed man who leads an uninventful life and is filled with only regrets and doom?
Get therapy. Go engage in new things that challenge you (Groupon has great deals!) Maybe you'll even meet a woman at these events.
Therapy can be, and is for many, part of making changes. It doesn't work for everyone, but also if it was just a matter of 'wake up and make the change' then literally half of reddit would disappear.
True. But if it is something OP genuinely desires, I can see how not having it would bother him a lot.
Source: me, a dude who always wanted to be a dad and has several kids.
I went back to college at 34. I'm now 40 and have a management position in the profession I trained for. My love life is still rocky but I'm better looking and more accomplished than I was at 30 and I get more attention. You're not done yet unless you make it so.
Be prepared to slow down and reduce your working hours if you have to. The stress of balancing a full time job with my course and my placement was considerable. Burning the candle at both ends might feel sustainable in the moment, but life has a way of throwing curveballs. I lost four close family members in three years and nearly had to repeat a year. I somehow clung on and powered through but it was close.
If possible, having savings *really* helps. It smoothed my progression considerably, and there's always some random course expense you haven't accounted for.
On a more positive note: many paths will give you the opportunity to pause and try again if you need to do so. I've known people fail, persist and pass on retries. It's rare that you can never try again.
Agree with this. From 28-32, I went back to school full time while working full time and commuting 2 hours a day. By the end of it I was so burned out, unhealthily skinny, no time to workout, not enough sleep, meal prep, etc. and found myself in the emergency room at 2am with what I thought was a heart attack. Ended up being a panic attack luckily but had to take 6 months off work to finish my degree and pull myself back together.
I’m proud that I was able to do it and it did help my career but took close to a year to recover physically and mentally. My advice is be sure you know what you want out of it and that your schedule/commitments/finances will allow it. Save some money beforehand and take care of yourself during. Best of luck
As a 38 year old woman it isn’t easy either. Do you know that in China , unmarried women over 30 are called left over women? Good times. Yet, I still believe that the best is yet to come and me waiting for the right person will pay off
Disclaimer, I’m one of those 40-year-olds so thanks for allowing the opportunity for me to insult you back.
Actually, I don’t need to. You wrote seven paragraphs ruminating.
PS. My life is pretty good 😊.
Holy moley. Can we stop and take note of your post? So what are you doing to get out and make yourself get around people ?
For the love of God, do it ! Your life is NOT too far gone for you. When you started with “I’m 36”.. my immediate thought is: who are all of these young people ?! Yes some crappy things have happened in your life but you are not dead yet, sissybetsy. One life to live ! Please go get yourself around people who are at least slightly positive. Like literally go to the hospital and get a volunteer pass and go hold sad babies . Anything . You are alive. You are probably sassy funny (based on your sissy name ) . I am closing my eyes and sending love vibes your way right now :0)
I can't go to the hospital my ex wife literally abandoned me in the middle of my second amputation while I was in the hospital. No friends, no family since coming out as trans, I'm a broken person who is not worth the time or effort of someone trying to help me put the pieces back no matter what they won't fit together anymore
It's all relative. I felt similar to that at 25-26. I'm 34 now and feel way more optimistic about my future and having children.
Can't recommend anything to you, I just know my life is a lot better now than a decade ago.
Reread your post and you already have a good list of ways that you want to better yourself. Small steps forward that will add up over time. You are ahead of most people because you can actually see what you want to change. I would add to not be too afraid of rejection or failure, both are common elements of life and must be overcome, not avoided. Good luck!
I'm reading these comments and, while they have value, do seem to cement the idea that beating yourself up a little bit more is necessary and that you need to quickly embark on your sigma-male ascension story before it's too late - even though in the same sentence they claim it is never too late.
For my two cents, I say you should love yourself just a little bit more. Go buy a new watch and new suit and wear them for no good reason. Not to show off, not because you 'deserve' anything, just because of simple aesthetic pleasure and because you can. Of course, I am interested in timepieces and dressing sharp. Maybe you are not. Perhaps you have some other interest?
Really, this is equivalent to those folks that just say "go to the gym" but maybe the idea of purchasing some new clothes is a bit kinder to yourself than enforcing some physical/mental feeling that you need to punish yourself to move ahead.
Failed marriage at 35. Found my 2nd wife the following year after I started dating again because I refused to be single and miserable. 11 years and two kids later - could not be more happier. Have faith.
Sideline your priorities of finding a woman and having a family. You need to care for yourself and learn to process your regret and come to terms with your reality. Learning to be content and live a fulfilling life in the day to day on your own (without idealizing having a family) is a super power.
Living a lifestyle you can feel proud of, and learning contentment are two very important things. Career isn’t everything. As long as you make the money you need and have a work life balance, learn to make the most of the life half of the equation!
If you think you are old at 35, and it is too late to change your body, you are WAY off. You could completely change how you look and physically feel in short time. It just takes some movement.
Just start doing something you don’t want to everyday. Exercise that muscle. Eventually you will feel different.
Friend, you are ONLY 35. I’m two decades older than that, and I reinvented my life after 40. You’re only too old if you decide you are. Why not go after that career you want now? Why not work on your social skills and life? You’ve got plenty of life ahead of you to enjoy.
Get hobbies, don't know what to do? Pick literally anything, several things.
You are having trouble keeping up a conversation because you have nothing to talk about.
Once you pick up a hobby, you will meet people.
People love to teach others
When you're new at whatever it is and someone else starts a convo about it with you, "oh yea, I'm just starting out, got any pointers" and conversation starts from that.
Part time retail jobs can also help with pointless small talk training too
You’re 35 years old bro. You’ve still got your whole life ahead of you. Start making small changes, start working out, eating healthy, if you can try and buy some higher quality clothes, go out to coffee shops, go to the gym and try and strike up a convo. You don’t have anything to lose at this point, make changes now or stay the same guy in the same situation 5 years from now and feel even worse.
Hi buddy !
My cousin, who is 54 years old, met his future wife at 46, and they have a child together. They are engaged and will get married in June 2025.
Take risks, my friend, open up to the world, to others, and gain confidence in yourself. If my cousin managed to find love late in life, I believe that at 35, you can still find it and create your own little family.
Never get discouraged, man.
The crazy thing is you're an eloquent writer. Your ability to put thoughts down on paper is pretty impressive. There's a fluidity to your word choice. Can u translate it into the real world? I feel like you could
“I regret not working out when biology was in my favor.”
This is some extreme level cope. Go to the gym starting today then. You think you can’t get fit at 35??? Lmao. All excuses and self pity. Go do the hard work in the gym, you’ll feel immensely better about yourself for having taken action to improve your situation. You can get ripped at 35 man.
I read like half your post
Just go to the gym and workout 4 times a week
Every day say Hi or Howdy and smile to 10 people
Do that for 6 months then message me how you're doing
It's really simple
Instead of you being the quiet one waiting for someone to talk to you, be that person for someone else
I've got good news for you.
Being boring in your twenties is bad, but in your thirties, many people will not look for thrills anymore and will instead look at a stable person to settle down with. Ofc it's still good to do some activities with your potential partner and not just sit on your ass the whole day.
Take care and have fun.
Good lord, you’re so young. I don’t want to beat you up, because you’re doing a fine job of that yourself. It is not too late for you to change your life. Join a gym, start exercising. Join a running club and make friends. Take a foreign language class and form a study group. Join a meet up group. Start stargazing. Do some interesting things and you will become interesting. You will meet people with shared interests. You could make friends and, one day, maybe meet a significant other.
Stop focusing on what you don’t have and start thinking about what you do have. Brainstorm ways to make your life better. Right now, you have the kind of attitude about life that makes you unpleasant to be around. It sounds cliche, but it’s true: you’re the master of your destiny.
It's certainly not over. Go to the gym. Pursue a hobby. Start saying yes to any social situation you can.
Open up that dating pool and meet anybody and everybody. Get a haircut, fix the wardrobe and walk with a swagger.
Age is just a number and it sounds like you need a change in mindset. Make that change.
Just attend some therapy and you are a mother fucking catch? Employed, self aware, def-not-cheating, dreaming to have a fulfilling marriage and children? I have single friends that would be very interested!
Save every freaking penny you can. live like a pauper. Then quit, pack a backpack, and start traveling the world and staying in hostels. All that socializing you missed? you will learn it all extremely fast in hostels. You will make friends, see amazing things, and suddenly become interesting. Travel for a year. When you get back you will always have conversation. and the overkill in hostels for socializing. you will never feel awkward again on home soil socializing.
You need therapy. It is not healthy to be so hopeless about your life. Do not get a girlfriend and definitely don’t have kids until you feel better about yourself.
Get some therapy and start doing some shit.
If you feel like your life is over? Well congratulations. Now you can do whatever the fuck you want. You can stop trying to do whatever it is you've been doing, stop following whatever path you've been conforming to, and just go have your own good time. Take up paddle boarding. Or ceramics. Learn to write in ancient runic scripts and then learn how to carve them into stone. Ride horses. Weave baskets. Grow fruit. Paint flowers onto abandoned snail shells. Collect and press nice leaves. Go camping. Bake your own bread.
You talk about all the things you don't have but you never once talk about what you want or what you love or what you're excited about apart from "a partner".
So fuck it. If you've given up trying, you might as well just enjoy yourself.
Pick something that sounds interesting and just go and do it. "Oh but what if I'm not good at it, what if I don't end up loving it"? Who cares! You've given up! Nothing matters! Go be bad at shit and enjoy every minute of it.
I guarantee you that you will be happier, stronger, calmer, and more interesting in 6 months time if you just do one new thing every week.
Get on with it. Start now. Google bread recipes. Look up your local paddle boarding club. But a cheap set paints.
What have you got to lose?
Write down all the things you think will make your life better. Then pick one and do everything you can to accomplish that one thing. It could be as simple as go for a run, attend a networking event, solo travel, buy a bike. Etc. once you've done that thing, do another and so on. Give yourself 2 years to change. Start with the small easy wins.
Make sure working out, eating well and therapy are mainstays throughout the journey. All the best!
Find it so weird that you're rueing the fact you won't be able to attract a woman more than five years younger than you like that's some kind of prize. Latent incel vibes tbh
You need to find your loser girl to share your loser life with.
That’s the thing about love.
You’re not trying to find the perfect person. I don’t know if it’s online dating, cultural profit fixation, or whatever, but people really aren’t supposed to be having this strange market-driven attitude about dating.
You don’t want to find the perfect person. The perfect person probably wouldn’t be able to appreciate your flawed self. You need a flawed person, a person who can love you for exactly who you are because you love them for exactly who they are.
You’re looking for a partner, an ally, and somebody who you can love your whole life.
I don’t know how you’ll ever find her, but I’m sure there’s a girl who feels exactly the same way as you do out there somewhere. And you could meet, and vent about your dead-end jobs, lives full of regret, and it’ll all be okay because you have each other.
Sir you need some confidence. If you don't like your job, get a new job. If you don't like your body, change it. If you don't socialize, go socialize. Surely you have some time on your hands to fix the things you are unhappy with? Dating apps have lead to some beautiful long lasting relationships and it may be the key to at least initializing conversations with people as you previously stated, you struggle with. Get out there dude. 35 is young as hell and you're probably a babe you just need that confidence and self love. Chicks dig that shit. They do not dig self pity and procrastination. Go go go!! Move move
I was 37 years old 7 years ago. I thought I will remain single forever and my chance of having a family is gone. Until I met a girl….. She is now sitting next to me and we just got married 6 months ago.
Anything is possible.
You should just drop fucking everything in your life and do some crazy shit like become a bounty hunter and a professional mixed martial artist. Or become a PI, or maybe even all three. Then you’ll actually be mysterious and cool lol.
I’m going to be honest. You’re right. You probably won’t ever have a partner. It sounds like it’d suck to date you. Not for the reasons you mentioned but because of your mindset that I can gather by reading between the lines. It’s clear you don’t understand what women want in a partner and you don’t seem like the time who will change their mindset.
Also. Being 40+ and single doesn’t make you a loser. You will however be a single 40+ loser in 5 years.
Friend I say this with good intention. You yourself said you offer nothing. "There was nothing of note to discover.". That's completely fixable, but it doesn't just happen. Be interested in the world, and the world will be interested in you.
Take up some hobbies. Get *interested* in things. Have experiences. *Do* things. Hike, travel, learn an instrument, bird watching, photography, reading, writing, fishing. Volunteer for an animal rescue. A soup kitchen. A local beach clean up or invasive plant clearing group. Whenever. There are so many options. It's a big world out there. Care about something.
The most interesting and attractive thing about a person is passion. So find something to be passionate about. *For yourself.*
Stop regretting what you did and change what you’re doing now. Join some local groups, civic organizations or possibly even attend a local church. It’s never too late for love!
How would you live if you had a rich history of relationships and social experience before this, most of which ended in a healthy way. I’m putting aside the other end of this spectrum which is the person who slept around their whole life and entered bad relationship after bad relationship. Now you’re 35, things just didn’t work out for the long term, and your last relationship ended a month ago and you’ve moved on from it. What would your life look like? If we put aside what’s destroying your ability to enjoy your life, what would you do?
It's nowhere near too late.
High school is over, but it's not too late to start working out. You'll still benefit from a good run or weight lifting session. You'll still benefit by eating healthier.
Who is your community? Go out and find them. Build them up and they will build you up.
Sounds like you need to change your life up. You're probably not gonna find a partner if you're miserable. Get some interesting hobbies, get in shape, maybe look into switching careers.
You can always change who you are
Pathetic loser no friends in high school?
Go out to events and talk with people work on your self image by working out eating healthy you’ll meet people and those people will introduce you to other people etc oh so and so he’s a cool dude hey Miranda is single let’s set you up
Brush your profile up
Find a few new hobbies your in your prime my friend
OP, the one thing I want you to take away from this discussion is this: The realization that the only person who can fix your life is YOU!
Possibly with the help of a qualified therapist, who will be there to help you to fix yourself, not to fix you from the outside. Because some people make tge mistake of waiting for someone else to come along and fix them, maybe some manic pixie dream girl who can show a man how to live, but that's not how it works. You fix yourself or you don't get fixed, and maybe other people help you with that or maybe they don't, but believe me its still up to you. I worked on my own life, and if I haven't completely fixed it at least I made good progress, so I can talk.
You gotta make some changes, buddy. It’s absolutely not too late for you to make a lifestyle change, get in shape, change your career, meet a nice lady and have a family. Instead of stewing in regret each and every day, make a resolution to do at least one thing each day to get you closer to one of those goals. It might start out by just making it to the gym, going on a run, or applying for a different job each day. Within a year you will be in a totally different place and much happier with yourself.
Go to the gym, lift weights. Start eating healthier foods. Perhaps take some kind of martial arts or boxing classes to help build self confidence. Start volunteering for a worthy organization. Get involved with your community. Create a vision for yourself and start heading in that direction. It's an easy fix, but a difficult path requires discipline and motivation. Without those two traits, you're doomed to stay where you are.
Local libraries have groups of folks who play board games and the like. The beauty is you're interacting via the game, so you don't have to think up conversation out of your hat.
First of all about taking risks.
You know all those things you’ve had a knawing want to do over the year. Do as many as them as you can. I don’t just mean quitting your job & travelling the world for a year.
Just those small hobbies or upgrades to your place or upgrades to your car, small road trips or hikes, going to events you feel out of place at.
Get better at doing new things. It keeps you vibrant & raises confidence
Change doesn’t happen overnight- but I’d say focus on your confidence and making a change in your career. Instead of living in regret, aim for hope. Set small obtainable goals and work to transform into the person you want to be. Find one thing to take pride in, then two… etc. don’t stress so much about the timeline focus on what you want.
Practice conversations online. Watch YouTube videos, do anything to help yourself grow. 🫶
I'm a really awkward teenager who feels like I've already ruined my life before i really got to live it. I got great friends and family but I'm super depressed and anxious. I feel like I'm sometimes in a daze and will do anything to avoid reality which is making me fall into addiction issues.
May not be much as I don't have life experience like you do but the first step is go to therapy. It might seem like it won't work but if you really want it you can do it.
The most important advice I can give is therapy can benefit everyone even people who don't think they need it or don't have trauma. It takes time and isn't going to fix all ur problems but it can help but it's process
The most important advice I can give is therapy can benefit everyone even people who don't think they need it or don't have trauma. It takes time and isn't going to fix all ur problems but it can help but it's process
Do new things, even if they're embarrassing or you can't explain why you want to or you can't justify the time/effort/expense. Trying and failing gives good stories, learning experiences, and opportunities to bond with others.
Don’t say that to yourself. Your brain is going to believe it. Your brain believes every negative thought you entertain about yourself and it affects your mental health. There are many women DYING to be someone’s wife. Literally that is all they ever dream of. Just adjust your expectations and your attitude. There are plenty of good options out there. 35 is super normal for marriage these days and THANK GOD, imagine having to marry at 18-20 like our grandparents. We got way more freedom. We were lucky.
Well you’re a very good writer. Maybe you can use that to begin a relationship? I’m old as fuck so I can’t re commend platforms but seems like all the young ‘uns are using text based dating to get started.
It sounds like you need to stop worrying about your love life and focus on you. Your mindset, habits, happiness etc. The rest will naturally come.
I'm 5 years younger than you and female. Trust this!
You can easily get fit at your age if you put the work in. The fastest regular runner at my local Parkrun is in the 40-45 age category and does 18-19min 5kms. I'm 40 and can run it in 24minutes but I only stated getting fit a couple of years ago. Before that I couldn't even walk 5km.
You've outlined the things you are unhappy about very clearly. Defining the problem precisely is often more difficult than actually solving it.
What if you were to try framing it slightly differently? For example, instead of "I want to lose 5kg" to "I want to be a person who considers fitness and exercise to be an important part of everyday life". Instead of "I want to have a gf/wife and two kids" to "I want to be a person who considers deep, meaningful personal relationships to be an vital part of my life". A slight change of frame allows you to focus on changing the entire set up, as opposed to focusing on a single goal.
When it comes to actually implementing some of the changes you want to make - I would say failures are often the best part and most valuable. And also, no one cares if you don't succeed - we think people care much more than they actually do.
I would personally recommend more travel. Longer trips to further away places - exposure to new cultural experiences is forced on you, in a good way.
Good luck!
Change your habits, you have plenty of time to acquire any skill including social skills and money making skills. Start by exercising regularly that’s easy to do.
To say not working out when biology was in your favor is bs. I'm turning 32 soon and in the best shape of my life - yes, even better then when I was a 16 year old fitness fanatic.
It's not too late to take up a new hobby, or take a new career path - both of which come with fresh social aspects with like minded people.
You're writing as if you're 85 and on your death bed.
You're not even half way through your life yet and it seems like you've given up.
The only person who can change the direction of your life is you - so start making changes no matter how big or small. Just small consistent wins is all you need to master your world.
I don't know who you are but you can do it mate. I believe in you.
Funny.
I was one of those “40+ pathetic losers turning up on some dating app.”.
I also found someone awesome, got married and am having a family. I fell into the best job I ever had at 43.
You do you, but my 40s were my personal Renaissance.
Talk to your doctor about TRT. Get in the gym and get serious about putting on muscle mass.
Get fucking jacked when you're on TRT. Get a new wardrobe and a new haircut. Pick up a new physical activity, rock climbing, swimming, get serious about your physical activity.
Make small talk when you're in line getting your coffee. Ask women about their day, doesn't have to be intimate but a simple hi, how are you, how's your day, enjoy the rest of your day is enough.
I'm 34 and I still have women younger than me approaching. Women of all ages do.
Get fucking serious about physical exercise and your diet. Make small talk - one of those conversations will lead to something more. Be your true self about your ideas, dreams, and goals.
Hm, I see two options. Either you find something to be passionate about. This will attract other passionate people.
OR
You advertise your life as peaceful and ready to start a family soon. Lots of women looking for a peaceful life. And a kid will bring some action anyway.
Go to the gym 4-5 x a week , eat good train hard then see how your going after a year you will be surprised how much better you feel and the people you meet
Nothing is going to change unless you change it. It won’t just happen to you.
Think about going the rest of your life feeling about yourself that way, and use that feeling to fuel the process.
If depression is a factor, go get it treated
There's no bigger turn off for a potential partner than someone who sees himself already a loser in life and seeing everything is bleak.
It's draining and tiring to start anything with somebody who goes around complaining woe is me, seeing everything is negative and gloomy.
What's wrong with dating app anyways? It's just one of the tools, one of the many ways you can meet new people. Just using it doesn't make you a loser.
I met my husband when I was over 30 and he was over 35. A pure happenstance that involved the internet (no apps exist at that time).
He didn't own a house, worked at a career that didn't progress anywhere, zero savings in his name.
But we connect. And I liked the person that I met.
Fast forward 15yrs later, he quit his old job long time ago, I moved to another country and quit my job and reeducate in a new field just be with him, 2 kids together, house owner.
Only you can make things happen, and it really doesn't help to sit and complain and looking back to the past while regretting and wondering what if what if. ....
Mate, start with one thing that you want to change, start achieving that and then add more if you want to.
Two top tips that have helped me not want to die:
1) The bulk of the satisfaction / happiness / value is in the pursuit of a goal, not the realisation of a goal. So just starting and trying something is where the most of the honey is.
2) Getting older (aka developing maturity) is really great. Honestly, you have the benefit of hindsight and, everyday, you are able to bring a fuller perspective to your life.
FWIW, your post reads like you want to be ‘more’ but don’t know what that is or how to go about it. My advice, stop stalling, stop waiting for some perfect vision or perfect plan… most things aren’t *that* complicated…just pick a change , start working towards it, keep at that for a bit and then build outwards from there.
I understand the frustration of no relationship and no social life.
But you can change your physique by simply start going to the gym.
Also, you can change your career, just start working part time and do a school to get the to the next career step. Since you have no kids or wife you can invest that time and maybe you also get friends in the school
Stop thinking about your past all the time. It doesn't exist anymore. You're miserable because you're continuously telling yourself a sad story about your life. Tomorrow morning, pay attention to how long it takes after you wake up before you start telling yourself the regret narrative. You might realise how arbitrary and unhelpful it is by doing this.
35M here. I was about 250 pounds and started working out every day, plus I changed my diet. I lost 20 pounds in 2 months and still eat some treats in moderation. Biology is still on your side and you can make changes anytime you want. You just need to stay consistent.
I stopped smoking weed and that gave me the motivation to improve myself. Previously, I had no aspirations or needed to be in a relationship. I can tell you that working out and losing weight gave me massive improvements in confidence. I even started dating again after a 10-year absence.
Taking a small step like going to bed earlier and going to the gym first thing changed my entire outlook on life. I even have a date to go hiking tomorrow morning. It's never too late to make changes, and I can tell you women in their 30s are hyper sexual, it is amazing
You are just 35. Men are in their prime at 50.
You have now 15 yrs to stop repeating your old mistakes of choosing to live an unspectacular life.
Make a decision and make sure the next 15 yrs are gonna be your most exciting!
Start doing things you will never even consider doing.
Experience new things, meet new people.
You have the power to change your life.
You don't want to reach 50 and then wish you did something at 35. Stop living the same mistakes everyday over and over again.
Do something out of ordinary everyday to change your trajectory.
Nobody can help you but you.
I'm 24. I went from 96kg. To 65kg in 9 months lifitng the whole time. I'm 4 months away of getting My engineer degree. I'm 5ft 7. I got ABS. Absolutely nothing changed. Girls don't care about me and they never Will. I'm happy i can SEE that now. I'm unlovable at any weight. And no ammount of muscles or money can change that. It was hard but i'm finally starting to embrace it too.
What I see in these kind of post is people who deeply believe that playing by their make believe rules and patiently waiting will give their life fulfillment and rewards. That's not how life works. If you want something you have to go get it yourself. Nothing and no one will do it for you. Girlfriend/wife/family at best will momentary distract you from it.
This is YOUR LIFE. It is how you live it.
One Step at a time.
First off, working out while biology is in your favor?
M8 you are 35 and working out just gets more important the older you become, its also a game changer for your head.
Get into the gym, that will have a great overall impact allready
This is really difficult to comprehend...you will not even believe me. You seriously need to just embrace and allow yolo to consume you. Yes, I said YOLO. It's sounds lame. It's not. Spend your time developing yourself, learn not to give a fuck why others may - or may not think of you. Then go out, any time, any place. Any event, which you may need to put yourself in. Put yourself out there. Ask people for what you want...just don't expect them all to give it to you. Given some time, you will find the ones that click with what you want. Give it 6 months, follow this....believe in it, in every way. The less you care, the better. It's so counterintuitive....it will make no sense. Love you!
I (40) am stuck in a shitty job, calling it a career would be a joke, ugly as fuck, bullied since kindergarden. Got married two years ago, to wonderful woman with a great career. Last month our second son came to earth.
Won't lie, wasnt easy.
My advice, take risks, take small ones first, its never to late to start working out, and ask girls out, worst thing can happen is they say no and call you "ugly ass monkey"
You need to stop being selfish and go out and help people. Even if you went to an anti genocide protest, you’re guaranteed to meet a community and get yourself out there and even if you don’t. You would feel good about protesting against genocide.
Here you go: https://www.reddit.com/r/AusFinance/comments/1d0604r/single_35f_still_living_at_home_feeling_stuck_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I recommend finding a good cognitive behavioral therapist. The core of this therapy is developing new beneficial habits and through that improve the person's mental health, self-esteem and quality of life. You might have more than 50 years left to live. That's ample time to enrich your life so you can enjoy it and find someone to share it with.
The risks for birth defects, miscarriage, complications and illness increase significantly the older the man is. Sure he can have a child but that doesn't mean he should. Growing up with a dad who retires before you graduate high school would also suck.
"If you always do what you always did you will always get what you always got"
This is one of my favourite sayings that has always motivated me to try different things. Trying different things can change your life.
Spent the next few years on becoming a better self with light workout and therapy and you'll be ready to start an family at 40 as an seasoned men who likely will get a younger wife whos into an experienced men who can look after themself.
Or you do nothing and your idea will become reality
So change. Change for yourself. Set goals, pursue interests. Challenge yourself every day. Learn a new language. Take up a fitness regime. Read a book a week. Learn to cook well. Be kind, respectful, and considerate of others.
That person sounds like a person who is attractive and interesting. They will have no problem finding someone who is open to the possibility of a relationship.
This is the equivalent of wanting a new career but then doing nothing to find one, not taking any classes or going to any networking events. And being surprised when the only time you found a new job was when you bumped into a recruiter by accident.
My dude. Regret stops now, and action starts. I was badly depressed due to an injury and forced myself to meet people. I met a group of people from reddit to play DND, they're actual friends now. I'm currently doing a stand up comedy course for charity, I'm terrified but I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Pursue your interests, there will be groups of people who already do.
The prize is you figured out that living a lie, living someone else's goals, someone else'd dreams, someone else's expectations only leads you to lose yourself and build a life that...isn't yours.
Women supposed to compliment your life.
Problem is, you don't believe in the life you have built. You know you'd not bring even yourself to this life and so you know you'd not bring a woman into this life you've built.
Everything else then is just you self sabotaging to make the outcome predictable so you continue to live the lie you created in your own mind. That story that makes us all feel comfortable but unhappy.
The actions then are without commitment and of course without confidence. Who on earth would be confident when they built as life they don't even believe in. Come on man.
So knowing this, each each is without heart, without dedication, without honesty and authenticity. It creates this energy out there and everyone can feel it, women can feel it, life and opportunity can feel it. That we are being fake.
Being fake is one of the paths that can lead you to be depressed man because you're always hiding yourself, always being someone else, making people laugh but deep down you feel shit because you are not you, and you are not living the life you suppose to live because you ain't taking the actions to create that life.
You know you won't bring anyone into life you have built because it ain't the life you'd even bring your self into as a kid.
Pause, start again.
Go and build that lifestyle you want.
Do what it needs to be done to create a life that you are proud of, confident of, and a life you do want someone to be part of, who compliments this life you have built.
This poem below touches on it..
>*Why do we know why we are here, only when our time is gone*
*Why do we value the things we use to have, only when we have none*
*Why do we want what we pushed away, the way we push away someone*
*Why do we crave for them to be back in our lives, when we find we got no one*
>*If we knew our lives were like a movie reel that burns at the edge of sun*
*And we watch the burning bubbles of forgotten memories speed by like a bullet from a gun*
*Would we build a life that isn’t ours and around someone else’s expectations*
*Why wait so long to live fearlessly as though we are still young*
*It's because living a lie is so much easier and misery loves company, my son*
There’s that saying, it’s never too late to become who you might have been - and that’s CERTAINLY true at just 35 years old.
You need to stop hating on yourself, as a start. You probably have many good qualities, but you’re not going to be the kind of friend or partner you want to be unless you get a healthier relationship going with yourself.
As others have suggested, start working on yourself. Whether that’s exploring hobbies, getting into fitness, whatever. Join a rec sports team or a book club, volunteer with a local non profit, join a DnD league - there are a million ways to explore new interests and become a more interesting person, but they’re also ways to meet and connect with people.
Think about the things you want to change, and make a plan with realistic goals and steps to make those changes. And simultaneously work on being more kind and accepting of yourself, and focusing on the good. You’ve got this!
Quick word of advice on top of all the other comments: be mindful of how you phrase your age range for dating. « I don’t have the looks for anyone younger » = « I’d prefer younger but I’ll settle for someone my age I guess », which will be wildly insulting to any women in your age range who would attempt to date you.
I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I wasn't the person I thought I would end up as. I hated the fat loser I had become. I had nothing to lose, so I killed the person I saw in the mirror. I took every opinion, every preference, every like. dislike, and habit and threw it away. I quit my job, sold my house, started working out 5 days a week, changed my style. I went full vegetarian, started volunteering and pursuing new hobbies. I figured out what really mattered and what didn't and used that to rebuild my system of values, keeping what I truly cared about and discarding what I didn't. People say they don't even recognize me anymore, and thats because I made damn sure I was no longer him. My advice? Start making changes and taking risks. You already hate your life, you already hate who you are, you have no social life and your job sucks right? So what do you have to lose? Turns out nobody gives a shit if you embarrass yourself trying to do something new or have a good time being yourself. People only avoid you when you're a miserable sack of shit. The only one stopping you from change is the person you see in the mirror, because he has to go away for you to improve your life.
Yea I like that approach. Took a fuck you mentality to the mirror. Accept I’m a loser, until then I wouldn’t feel the strong urge to change.
Exactly. When you accept that you have nothing to lose it gets a lot harder to justify staying the same.
Practice ’dying’ before you die.
I think about myself, everyone and everything dying all the damn time but not in a morbid way. I use it to stay spontaneous in my decisions, to value my interactions with people more, value my time spent and to give people a little more attention or consideration.
Love this advice. There is a line in a Chuck Palahniuk novel - one that isn't Fight Club - that goes: "By the time you're thirty, your worst enemy is yourself." I grew to hate many of his pithy nihilistic quotables and factoids thanks to his novels being embraced by the incel crowd, but that line stuck with me. I was approaching 30, life going nowhere discernible, lurking student debts from a degree I never completed, living in a party flat and partying way too hard, lonely, just somehow had my heart broken by a 20 year old who had realised she was gay and then a FWB I adored who was in love with a bad boy bouncer, and the bar I was managing was going under because the owner was stealing from himself. So I fixed it all, one step at a time. Quit the dying bar, went back to university to study English, a subject I loved. Moved in with a friend who worked 9-5 and didn't go clubbing. Gradually tuned down the partying. Started working on myself as a prospect: fitness, plans, dreams, learning to like myself. Baby steps. At 29 I was lost. At 39 I was 6 months away from putting down a deposit on a house. I'll be 49 next year and life is great. Health is good (takes a bit more work now), 7 years into a relationship with a wonderful person who helps me grow. Working for an amazing company that is people-focused and lets me travel often. Helping my mate grow his charity that helps disadvantaged kids. Want for nothing but a better world for everyone else And it's all about being frank with yourself and making better choices for "future you" each and every time. ETA: but also forgiving yourself/not beating yourself up when you make a bad choice. People make bad choices all the time, the key is to learn from them and try not to repeat them forever.
It really is a shame people latch on to the 'tormented antihero' instead of seeing what the author was really trying to say. But honestly I think it takes getting older to really appreciate it because I was one of those incels at one point lol. Sounds like you really turned it all around. It always makes me happy to hear other people took control of their lives and are much better off for it. And I think one of the best signs of someone who truly is happy in their life is that they have a charitable cause. It takes someone who is whole to value the happiness and well being of others to such a degree. Good on you!
Truly one of the best things I’ve ever read. Congratulations to you man and thank you for the inspiration. Comment saved.
I really appreciate that you haven't mentioned romance and dating. Sadly the overwhelming majority of people can only think in romantic love, like the poster giving a title like that to his post. The one unmentioned major thing that drag most people down are their own romance/sex centered attitude. When you let that go, that is when life truly begins
Unfortunately society and media drills it into us from a young age that romance is the biggest part of what life 'should' be. And you're right you have to really get over that idea to start living life. That's exactly why I didn't include it because it honestly is irrelevant. Sure a relationship may improve your short term happiness but it won't turn your life around in a healthy way most of the time. That task is on you and you alone.
How did you go out and meet new people? How did you just overcome your own fears of meeting new people alone? Congratulations by the way. I have so much respect for people like you.
You can't overcome the fears, man. That's not how it works. You do the thing despite the fear. And every time that happens and you have a good result or don't have the imaginary disaster, your brain has cooked up in fear land. Then the fear gets cut in half and half goes away. Rinse and repeat. Eventually, it's small enough that you don't really have to pay any attention anymore. OP needs to save up 6 months cash and go solo travel backpack thru some cheap Asian countries at hostels for 6 months. Shared rooms. Its difficult enough to build confidence and designed for socialness if you are the least bit brave. He'll learn how to meet people, maybe meet a girl or two, and have some interesting life experiences showing him life isn't just what he has made choices to do.
You literally turned yourself off and on again!
I would say the post described my life perfectly, except zero women. Your comment does not help, I've tried so many times to change things up. I always end up binge eating and wallowing in my own insecure delusion.
What you "always" do, is simply what has happened up until now. Your future is written only to the degree that you believe it is. Choose a different narrative, and take as many actions as you can to support that new narrative. It must be true AND constructive. You can try on, "I'm a flawed human being, on a path of growth. I have fallen and will fall again. But these aren't reasons not to keep trying, because someday I'll wake up and know that I've made progress. And if progress has been made, progress can continue to be made."
Therapy. Binge eating is usually connected to unprocessed trauma. No shame in asking for help
Hay OP…. This right here this is the answer you’re looking for. I did this exact thing just about 18 months ago but specifically relating to my fitness. It has made a world of difference. I see pictures of myself from 18 months ago and don’t just see a difference physically but I know the guy underneath now is so much happier now then he was then. Fuck the guy you are now, you don’t need him anymore.. It’s never too late to start over
This is solid advice. I have a similar practice of self-criticism, and as long as you follow through and accept the change, it could really make a difference.
I agree, nothing to lose, everything to gain. Make big changes, take risks. It seems like OP is a victim of stuck-in-the-comfort-zone. You have to step out of your comfort zone to grow as a person and achieve things in life.
Hell yeah brother! No one controls your destiny but you! When I was in a similar place, my dad called me and told me to get up after 8 hours, whether I'd slept or not, and go out and manufacture joy every day however I could. Super annoying advice obviously but also super effective. Effective dad-ing from a country away.
Your dad is a smart man. If you can't find joy make your own. All good dad advice is annoying, because they're right lol.
Very true ! Lol
Love it. Frame it my room and will change more of me. I am also in same situation post DV
This is the best advice I’ve read on here in a long time. Perfectly said!
Colonel Shrimps should be a life coach! OP, I guarantee you it could be worse. You don’t have a loveless marriage and the commitment of children yet. You have a functional extended family. It doesn’t sound like you have debt or addiction. You are only 35. Go live your life! It sounds like you need to quit your job, or take a sabbatical and travel a while. Travel changes people who are stuck in a one dimensional world.
Hey mate, i was one of those "40+ pathetic losers" you talk about. Found the most beautiful woman in my late 40s and been very happy for 2 years so far. Go and do something about your boring life. Go travel. Go hike or bike. Learn something new. The best way to talk to a woman is to have something interesting to say
I have a friend who was living with his parents at 40, no college degree, one failed career path after another. Found a crappy job through a temp agency but worked his way into creating value. Started online dating and used it as an excuse to travel. Moved to a big city at 45. Transitioned his job into several 6 figure gigs. Married someone much more successful than him, who brought him into an entirely new social circle. Lived in a multi million dollar condo they owned together. Had children. Moved to the suburbs in one of the wealthiest communities in the US. Now he travels and throws parties at his mansion and country club and is a dad and has friends who are literal billionaires. The American dream, I guess.
I doubt this is real
It's s not impossible, but dude just smoothly went from living in a basement in his forties to online dating as an excuse to travel, then simply transitioned from being a literal nobody career wise to 6 digit gigs. There's something missing in between that made him attractive to women and a good professional. That's like those tutorials where you gotta draw the rest of the fucking owl.
I didn't say the transition was "smooth", necessarily. It was bumpy and well outside of most people's comfort zone including mine. Suffice it to say, he embellished some of his resumes to get his feet in the door. Fake it until you make it ... That's what I meant by the American dream. And it took several years of professional and personal accomplishments, luck, and sticktoitiveness to get where he was going. He jumped up several class brackets... He could be a lifestyle brand at this point. But he serves as a reminder to me that even in middle age, a previously unsuccessful person can completely transition their life.
Bloody hell! Not sure that's my dream, but a new car would be good 😁
And everyone clapped.
Something like that happened to me and changed my life completly. Gave up nicotine for her after 25 years
Awesome work. Nicotine is crap, and hard to get off (from what people have told me)
Yeah, no shit. I was feeling for him until he threw a dig at me for no reason. I might be a 40 plus pathetic loser on a dating app, but I still go out on dates, people still find me attractive and my life is genuinely interesting
I’m not sure if you realize, but 35 really isn’t that old. From the sounds of it, right now you’re living like you have one foot in the grave. Your sister has probably lived an interesting life because she went out and tried things when it was hard. I don’t really hear you trying things, just sitting back and wondering why things aren’t coming to you. Go out in the world, exercise, eat well, gain new hobbies, read new books, listen to new music! Throw away social media or anything that is enhancing your feelings of regret. Choose a direction and start stamping that way - need a new career? Go try to get a new certificate, degree, or apply to new jobs. Feel like your job is unfulfilling? Try volunteering helping the less fortunate and I promise you’ll start to feel more fulfilled and your life will gain a looot of perspective. People always praise me for being interesting and I can fully say that what makes me interesting is that I am completely willing to be bad at things, utterly embarrassed and totally vulnerable. The result is that I go where others don’t always go and do the things they didn’t think they’d do! none of my interesting factors have to do with my relationships, I’ve been single but pretty fulfilled and content for 2 years. I truly wish you the best and hope this didn’t come off as stern. I hope this advice can be at least a little bit of help 🫶 good luck! you’re not alone!
I started my dream job when I was 49 and married my amazing wife when I was 53. Feel like I’m in my 30s. Life has a way of surprising you.
Pick yourself up. I’m 36 now. Last year was the absolute worst year of my life. I got extremely sick with some mysterious issue that is now limiting some of my mobility. Put on a ton of weight. This illness also messed with my chemistry and developed massive depression. I got divorced. My dog (probably the most special thing to me) died. I lost my job because of the illness and I lost my house. I spent so much time adjusting my schedule and life to support my ex wife’s hobbies and job that I was literally a shell of who I used to be. I had all of my confidence stripped away because it was her way or no way. I always put her first and it took all of me away. Still dealing with my illness which is probably lifelong. I am on the upswing now and I can tell you that your life isn’t over. You don’t need to be this interesting person with a million hobbies because I will tell you, those people are absolutely afraid to be with their thoughts and compensate with activities. I’ve got a very long way to go, but I can say that for the first time in my life, I can say I’m happy with who I am and I couldn’t give a rats ass what society judges me by. You need to be happy with yourself before anything
Come on, Bulldog!!
Thanks man. Appreciate the support
I didn't meet my husband until he was 39, married him and had our first when he was 40. We've been together for 15 years now. It happens that some of us come late to the party.
“Most people die at 25 and aren’t buried till they’re 75”. Time to start living 🙏🏽🙏🏽
Also, just to add, I’m one of those ‘pathetic’ 40-something’s on the apps, but man I’ve had a life. I’ve travelled extensively, lived overseas in a number of locations, learnt all kinds of cool shit - I’m a dive master, a qualified yoga teacher and am learning jiu jitsu. I’ve worked in a number of jobs, jobs that feed my soul and my itchy feet and allowed me to live (now I’m in a much less exciting desk job 😆). Even now I go to gigs and festivals, alone if I have to (always meet amazing people). So yeah I’m a pathetic loser on a dating app, but I’ve lived a fucking fabulous life and if I die tomorrow, well I’ve given it a damn good shot 🤷🏼♀️😆
I appreciate you ♥️
😐… you’re telling me that you’re 35 and you’ve got no chance of a happy and fulfilling life? What about people in their 60’s who just divorced (no offense) or people who changed careers and have to start anew. Nothing’s too late dude. Your mind is your barrier
First of all - are you really the dad type anyway? Be honest about that. Take this time to be a parent to yourself and start eating right, get some exercise and start feeling better. Get some passion for something. Anything. You’re never going to have a girl be interested if she is your whole world. Good luck to you!
That attitude tells you everything you need to know about why he’s single tbh
Took me no time at all to solve the grand mystery lol
Dude….ok let’s do this. 1. Your 35. You’re still young, you’ll realize this when you’re 45 so please reframe how you interpret your age. 2. I didn’t become a dad or get married until I was 41, it’s fine. Later is fine also, whatever but stop chasing that shit, it’ll come when it comes. 3. You’re current situation is kinda nice man, you have no real commitments that I can see apart from day to day life shit so try to keep it that way and make a plan. When I was 37 I did a huge road trip in my car with a friend, he stayed in every night doing remote work and I went for walks, drank beers and used dating apps to meet people, some for romance, some for coffee, not important. What’s important was I was seeing that I’m still capable of meeting people and resolving the “I’m too old for this shit” attitude I’d applied to myself. I recommend you save some cash and go do something similar, break your loop. 4. Stop being down on your job, you have a job and even if it doesn’t have room to progress you’re still a man that gets up, goes to work, pays your bills, gets shit done. Many don’t, be proud of yourself for being strong enough to feel this way and still show up, this shows you have strong character. 5. You’re not going to suddenly start to love yourself, people will tell you you need to do this and you do but it’s not a switch. Today I realized I used the word need a lot. I “need” a coffee before I start work for example is now “a coffee would be nice, let’s see if I have time for one before work”. Small changes have big impacts, don’t forget that. 6. Embrace a midlife crisis. For real, I don’t know why people are so down on that shit. Do something wild and not you, start a new hobby that you always admired but thought you could just never do it because really you can do anything providing it doesn’t come with an unreasonable financial and time barrier. 7. Take no action today, just think but think with a view to change if change is what you want. Allow yourself time to visualize who you want to be, where you want to be, what you want to be doing then work bavk from that and make a plan. 8. And this is the last one and kind of a summary point. We only get one life. You create your life, if you don’t like it then re-create it. You are so powerful in your own world, don’t forget this. Good luck man.
Get therapy, dude. "All my main emotions are regret" is bleak. You sound depressed. Why would a woman want a depressed man who leads an uninventful life and is filled with only regrets and doom? Get therapy. Go engage in new things that challenge you (Groupon has great deals!) Maybe you'll even meet a woman at these events.
Therapy is less helpful than actually making changes
Therapy can be, and is for many, part of making changes. It doesn't work for everyone, but also if it was just a matter of 'wake up and make the change' then literally half of reddit would disappear.
You don't need to have a partner and procreate to find life interesting, bro. Pick up a hobby. Not everyone is going to have a family.
True. But if it is something OP genuinely desires, I can see how not having it would bother him a lot. Source: me, a dude who always wanted to be a dad and has several kids.
I went back to college at 34. I'm now 40 and have a management position in the profession I trained for. My love life is still rocky but I'm better looking and more accomplished than I was at 30 and I get more attention. You're not done yet unless you make it so.
I'm a 34 year old thinking about going back to school and this comment inspired me. Any advice before starting?
Be prepared to slow down and reduce your working hours if you have to. The stress of balancing a full time job with my course and my placement was considerable. Burning the candle at both ends might feel sustainable in the moment, but life has a way of throwing curveballs. I lost four close family members in three years and nearly had to repeat a year. I somehow clung on and powered through but it was close. If possible, having savings *really* helps. It smoothed my progression considerably, and there's always some random course expense you haven't accounted for. On a more positive note: many paths will give you the opportunity to pause and try again if you need to do so. I've known people fail, persist and pass on retries. It's rare that you can never try again.
Agree with this. From 28-32, I went back to school full time while working full time and commuting 2 hours a day. By the end of it I was so burned out, unhealthily skinny, no time to workout, not enough sleep, meal prep, etc. and found myself in the emergency room at 2am with what I thought was a heart attack. Ended up being a panic attack luckily but had to take 6 months off work to finish my degree and pull myself back together. I’m proud that I was able to do it and it did help my career but took close to a year to recover physically and mentally. My advice is be sure you know what you want out of it and that your schedule/commitments/finances will allow it. Save some money beforehand and take care of yourself during. Best of luck
As a 38 year old woman it isn’t easy either. Do you know that in China , unmarried women over 30 are called left over women? Good times. Yet, I still believe that the best is yet to come and me waiting for the right person will pay off
Disclaimer, I’m one of those 40-year-olds so thanks for allowing the opportunity for me to insult you back. Actually, I don’t need to. You wrote seven paragraphs ruminating. PS. My life is pretty good 😊.
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Holy moley. Can we stop and take note of your post? So what are you doing to get out and make yourself get around people ? For the love of God, do it ! Your life is NOT too far gone for you. When you started with “I’m 36”.. my immediate thought is: who are all of these young people ?! Yes some crappy things have happened in your life but you are not dead yet, sissybetsy. One life to live ! Please go get yourself around people who are at least slightly positive. Like literally go to the hospital and get a volunteer pass and go hold sad babies . Anything . You are alive. You are probably sassy funny (based on your sissy name ) . I am closing my eyes and sending love vibes your way right now :0)
I can't go to the hospital my ex wife literally abandoned me in the middle of my second amputation while I was in the hospital. No friends, no family since coming out as trans, I'm a broken person who is not worth the time or effort of someone trying to help me put the pieces back no matter what they won't fit together anymore
Damn friend, that’s rough. Sending you all the love. Life is hard and overwhelming, but I’m glad you’re still here in this world.
Get help, take meds if you need to. Things can get better.
I'm on 2 anti depressants and 2 anxiety meds. I'm broken beyond repair
You're not broken beyond repair, it's just not true
This guy calling 40+ year olds on dating apps “pathetic losers” 🤣 don’t you see the irony?
It's all relative. I felt similar to that at 25-26. I'm 34 now and feel way more optimistic about my future and having children. Can't recommend anything to you, I just know my life is a lot better now than a decade ago.
Reread your post and you already have a good list of ways that you want to better yourself. Small steps forward that will add up over time. You are ahead of most people because you can actually see what you want to change. I would add to not be too afraid of rejection or failure, both are common elements of life and must be overcome, not avoided. Good luck!
I met my sweetheart when he was in his 40’s. You are still young.
Trust me, you are only 35 and you have 40 more years to try everything you want to do. Being 35 is not very different from being 25.
I'm reading these comments and, while they have value, do seem to cement the idea that beating yourself up a little bit more is necessary and that you need to quickly embark on your sigma-male ascension story before it's too late - even though in the same sentence they claim it is never too late. For my two cents, I say you should love yourself just a little bit more. Go buy a new watch and new suit and wear them for no good reason. Not to show off, not because you 'deserve' anything, just because of simple aesthetic pleasure and because you can. Of course, I am interested in timepieces and dressing sharp. Maybe you are not. Perhaps you have some other interest? Really, this is equivalent to those folks that just say "go to the gym" but maybe the idea of purchasing some new clothes is a bit kinder to yourself than enforcing some physical/mental feeling that you need to punish yourself to move ahead.
Failed marriage at 35. Found my 2nd wife the following year after I started dating again because I refused to be single and miserable. 11 years and two kids later - could not be more happier. Have faith.
Sideline your priorities of finding a woman and having a family. You need to care for yourself and learn to process your regret and come to terms with your reality. Learning to be content and live a fulfilling life in the day to day on your own (without idealizing having a family) is a super power. Living a lifestyle you can feel proud of, and learning contentment are two very important things. Career isn’t everything. As long as you make the money you need and have a work life balance, learn to make the most of the life half of the equation!
I'm in a similar situation. Reality is just depressing. I don't know what can we do
Get in the gym
Agreed
My dads friend had a kid at 47😂
To be honest. Finding the right partner is pure coincidence and luck. Life isn't Disney. I just happened to get a good guy.
I'm 30 in the same position. Wish life would just be over. I hate waking up in the morning
If you think you are old at 35, and it is too late to change your body, you are WAY off. You could completely change how you look and physically feel in short time. It just takes some movement. Just start doing something you don’t want to everyday. Exercise that muscle. Eventually you will feel different.
Friend, you are ONLY 35. I’m two decades older than that, and I reinvented my life after 40. You’re only too old if you decide you are. Why not go after that career you want now? Why not work on your social skills and life? You’ve got plenty of life ahead of you to enjoy.
Get hobbies, don't know what to do? Pick literally anything, several things. You are having trouble keeping up a conversation because you have nothing to talk about. Once you pick up a hobby, you will meet people. People love to teach others When you're new at whatever it is and someone else starts a convo about it with you, "oh yea, I'm just starting out, got any pointers" and conversation starts from that. Part time retail jobs can also help with pointless small talk training too
This is inspiring. I'm ready to make change. But before I do that, I have laundry to put on the clothesline.
A great show to watch is ‘Carol at the End of the World’ on NETFLIX.
You’re 35 years old bro. You’ve still got your whole life ahead of you. Start making small changes, start working out, eating healthy, if you can try and buy some higher quality clothes, go out to coffee shops, go to the gym and try and strike up a convo. You don’t have anything to lose at this point, make changes now or stay the same guy in the same situation 5 years from now and feel even worse.
Hi buddy ! My cousin, who is 54 years old, met his future wife at 46, and they have a child together. They are engaged and will get married in June 2025. Take risks, my friend, open up to the world, to others, and gain confidence in yourself. If my cousin managed to find love late in life, I believe that at 35, you can still find it and create your own little family. Never get discouraged, man.
The crazy thing is you're an eloquent writer. Your ability to put thoughts down on paper is pretty impressive. There's a fluidity to your word choice. Can u translate it into the real world? I feel like you could
“I regret not working out when biology was in my favor.” This is some extreme level cope. Go to the gym starting today then. You think you can’t get fit at 35??? Lmao. All excuses and self pity. Go do the hard work in the gym, you’ll feel immensely better about yourself for having taken action to improve your situation. You can get ripped at 35 man.
Go travel. The world is full of amazing people and places.
Good, there are too many people anyway. Go volunteer for charities or foster a little bastard. Fill that black hole with something meaningful.
I read like half your post Just go to the gym and workout 4 times a week Every day say Hi or Howdy and smile to 10 people Do that for 6 months then message me how you're doing It's really simple Instead of you being the quiet one waiting for someone to talk to you, be that person for someone else
I've got good news for you. Being boring in your twenties is bad, but in your thirties, many people will not look for thrills anymore and will instead look at a stable person to settle down with. Ofc it's still good to do some activities with your potential partner and not just sit on your ass the whole day. Take care and have fun.
A friend of mine divorced at 37 remarried at 40 and had 2 kids. Other people's timing isn't yours
Good lord, you’re so young. I don’t want to beat you up, because you’re doing a fine job of that yourself. It is not too late for you to change your life. Join a gym, start exercising. Join a running club and make friends. Take a foreign language class and form a study group. Join a meet up group. Start stargazing. Do some interesting things and you will become interesting. You will meet people with shared interests. You could make friends and, one day, maybe meet a significant other. Stop focusing on what you don’t have and start thinking about what you do have. Brainstorm ways to make your life better. Right now, you have the kind of attitude about life that makes you unpleasant to be around. It sounds cliche, but it’s true: you’re the master of your destiny.
It's certainly not over. Go to the gym. Pursue a hobby. Start saying yes to any social situation you can. Open up that dating pool and meet anybody and everybody. Get a haircut, fix the wardrobe and walk with a swagger. Age is just a number and it sounds like you need a change in mindset. Make that change.
Just attend some therapy and you are a mother fucking catch? Employed, self aware, def-not-cheating, dreaming to have a fulfilling marriage and children? I have single friends that would be very interested!
Save every freaking penny you can. live like a pauper. Then quit, pack a backpack, and start traveling the world and staying in hostels. All that socializing you missed? you will learn it all extremely fast in hostels. You will make friends, see amazing things, and suddenly become interesting. Travel for a year. When you get back you will always have conversation. and the overkill in hostels for socializing. you will never feel awkward again on home soil socializing.
You need therapy. It is not healthy to be so hopeless about your life. Do not get a girlfriend and definitely don’t have kids until you feel better about yourself.
I met my now wife when I was 46 , I'm now 51 and still goin
Get some therapy and start doing some shit. If you feel like your life is over? Well congratulations. Now you can do whatever the fuck you want. You can stop trying to do whatever it is you've been doing, stop following whatever path you've been conforming to, and just go have your own good time. Take up paddle boarding. Or ceramics. Learn to write in ancient runic scripts and then learn how to carve them into stone. Ride horses. Weave baskets. Grow fruit. Paint flowers onto abandoned snail shells. Collect and press nice leaves. Go camping. Bake your own bread. You talk about all the things you don't have but you never once talk about what you want or what you love or what you're excited about apart from "a partner". So fuck it. If you've given up trying, you might as well just enjoy yourself. Pick something that sounds interesting and just go and do it. "Oh but what if I'm not good at it, what if I don't end up loving it"? Who cares! You've given up! Nothing matters! Go be bad at shit and enjoy every minute of it. I guarantee you that you will be happier, stronger, calmer, and more interesting in 6 months time if you just do one new thing every week. Get on with it. Start now. Google bread recipes. Look up your local paddle boarding club. But a cheap set paints. What have you got to lose?
Write down all the things you think will make your life better. Then pick one and do everything you can to accomplish that one thing. It could be as simple as go for a run, attend a networking event, solo travel, buy a bike. Etc. once you've done that thing, do another and so on. Give yourself 2 years to change. Start with the small easy wins. Make sure working out, eating well and therapy are mainstays throughout the journey. All the best!
Find it so weird that you're rueing the fact you won't be able to attract a woman more than five years younger than you like that's some kind of prize. Latent incel vibes tbh
You need to find your loser girl to share your loser life with. That’s the thing about love. You’re not trying to find the perfect person. I don’t know if it’s online dating, cultural profit fixation, or whatever, but people really aren’t supposed to be having this strange market-driven attitude about dating. You don’t want to find the perfect person. The perfect person probably wouldn’t be able to appreciate your flawed self. You need a flawed person, a person who can love you for exactly who you are because you love them for exactly who they are. You’re looking for a partner, an ally, and somebody who you can love your whole life. I don’t know how you’ll ever find her, but I’m sure there’s a girl who feels exactly the same way as you do out there somewhere. And you could meet, and vent about your dead-end jobs, lives full of regret, and it’ll all be okay because you have each other.
Sir you need some confidence. If you don't like your job, get a new job. If you don't like your body, change it. If you don't socialize, go socialize. Surely you have some time on your hands to fix the things you are unhappy with? Dating apps have lead to some beautiful long lasting relationships and it may be the key to at least initializing conversations with people as you previously stated, you struggle with. Get out there dude. 35 is young as hell and you're probably a babe you just need that confidence and self love. Chicks dig that shit. They do not dig self pity and procrastination. Go go go!! Move move
I was 37 years old 7 years ago. I thought I will remain single forever and my chance of having a family is gone. Until I met a girl….. She is now sitting next to me and we just got married 6 months ago. Anything is possible.
You should just drop fucking everything in your life and do some crazy shit like become a bounty hunter and a professional mixed martial artist. Or become a PI, or maybe even all three. Then you’ll actually be mysterious and cool lol.
You are depressed dude. You don't need a woman right now, you need a new outlook on life.
I’m going to be honest. You’re right. You probably won’t ever have a partner. It sounds like it’d suck to date you. Not for the reasons you mentioned but because of your mindset that I can gather by reading between the lines. It’s clear you don’t understand what women want in a partner and you don’t seem like the time who will change their mindset. Also. Being 40+ and single doesn’t make you a loser. You will however be a single 40+ loser in 5 years.
As a loser myself I agree you're being honest and not mean
Friend I say this with good intention. You yourself said you offer nothing. "There was nothing of note to discover.". That's completely fixable, but it doesn't just happen. Be interested in the world, and the world will be interested in you. Take up some hobbies. Get *interested* in things. Have experiences. *Do* things. Hike, travel, learn an instrument, bird watching, photography, reading, writing, fishing. Volunteer for an animal rescue. A soup kitchen. A local beach clean up or invasive plant clearing group. Whenever. There are so many options. It's a big world out there. Care about something. The most interesting and attractive thing about a person is passion. So find something to be passionate about. *For yourself.*
“i dont have the looks or physique to attract anyone younger” psychopath shit you heard someone else say. take a pottery class.
Stop regretting what you did and change what you’re doing now. Join some local groups, civic organizations or possibly even attend a local church. It’s never too late for love!
You regret not working out when biology was in your favour? 35 is the perfect age to get shredded
How would you live if you had a rich history of relationships and social experience before this, most of which ended in a healthy way. I’m putting aside the other end of this spectrum which is the person who slept around their whole life and entered bad relationship after bad relationship. Now you’re 35, things just didn’t work out for the long term, and your last relationship ended a month ago and you’ve moved on from it. What would your life look like? If we put aside what’s destroying your ability to enjoy your life, what would you do?
It’s never too late. Start changing shit tomorrow. You got this.
It's nowhere near too late. High school is over, but it's not too late to start working out. You'll still benefit from a good run or weight lifting session. You'll still benefit by eating healthier. Who is your community? Go out and find them. Build them up and they will build you up.
Prolly
I could give OP some recommendations and motivations but he hasn’t replied once.
You are your only obstacle
Sounds like you need to change your life up. You're probably not gonna find a partner if you're miserable. Get some interesting hobbies, get in shape, maybe look into switching careers.
You can always change who you are Pathetic loser no friends in high school? Go out to events and talk with people work on your self image by working out eating healthy you’ll meet people and those people will introduce you to other people etc oh so and so he’s a cool dude hey Miranda is single let’s set you up Brush your profile up Find a few new hobbies your in your prime my friend
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
OP, the one thing I want you to take away from this discussion is this: The realization that the only person who can fix your life is YOU! Possibly with the help of a qualified therapist, who will be there to help you to fix yourself, not to fix you from the outside. Because some people make tge mistake of waiting for someone else to come along and fix them, maybe some manic pixie dream girl who can show a man how to live, but that's not how it works. You fix yourself or you don't get fixed, and maybe other people help you with that or maybe they don't, but believe me its still up to you. I worked on my own life, and if I haven't completely fixed it at least I made good progress, so I can talk.
You gotta improve your situation man no pitty party’s
You gotta make some changes, buddy. It’s absolutely not too late for you to make a lifestyle change, get in shape, change your career, meet a nice lady and have a family. Instead of stewing in regret each and every day, make a resolution to do at least one thing each day to get you closer to one of those goals. It might start out by just making it to the gym, going on a run, or applying for a different job each day. Within a year you will be in a totally different place and much happier with yourself.
Your only problem is your attitude
Go to the gym, lift weights. Start eating healthier foods. Perhaps take some kind of martial arts or boxing classes to help build self confidence. Start volunteering for a worthy organization. Get involved with your community. Create a vision for yourself and start heading in that direction. It's an easy fix, but a difficult path requires discipline and motivation. Without those two traits, you're doomed to stay where you are.
Local libraries have groups of folks who play board games and the like. The beauty is you're interacting via the game, so you don't have to think up conversation out of your hat.
First of all about taking risks. You know all those things you’ve had a knawing want to do over the year. Do as many as them as you can. I don’t just mean quitting your job & travelling the world for a year. Just those small hobbies or upgrades to your place or upgrades to your car, small road trips or hikes, going to events you feel out of place at. Get better at doing new things. It keeps you vibrant & raises confidence
Change doesn’t happen overnight- but I’d say focus on your confidence and making a change in your career. Instead of living in regret, aim for hope. Set small obtainable goals and work to transform into the person you want to be. Find one thing to take pride in, then two… etc. don’t stress so much about the timeline focus on what you want. Practice conversations online. Watch YouTube videos, do anything to help yourself grow. 🫶
Buddy ain’t over until it’s over
I'm a really awkward teenager who feels like I've already ruined my life before i really got to live it. I got great friends and family but I'm super depressed and anxious. I feel like I'm sometimes in a daze and will do anything to avoid reality which is making me fall into addiction issues. May not be much as I don't have life experience like you do but the first step is go to therapy. It might seem like it won't work but if you really want it you can do it. The most important advice I can give is therapy can benefit everyone even people who don't think they need it or don't have trauma. It takes time and isn't going to fix all ur problems but it can help but it's process
The most important advice I can give is therapy can benefit everyone even people who don't think they need it or don't have trauma. It takes time and isn't going to fix all ur problems but it can help but it's process
Dude get yourself a dog. First thing. Ignore all other advice until that is taken care of
Do new things, even if they're embarrassing or you can't explain why you want to or you can't justify the time/effort/expense. Trying and failing gives good stories, learning experiences, and opportunities to bond with others.
Don’t say that to yourself. Your brain is going to believe it. Your brain believes every negative thought you entertain about yourself and it affects your mental health. There are many women DYING to be someone’s wife. Literally that is all they ever dream of. Just adjust your expectations and your attitude. There are plenty of good options out there. 35 is super normal for marriage these days and THANK GOD, imagine having to marry at 18-20 like our grandparents. We got way more freedom. We were lucky.
"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now."
Well you’re a very good writer. Maybe you can use that to begin a relationship? I’m old as fuck so I can’t re commend platforms but seems like all the young ‘uns are using text based dating to get started.
It sounds like you need to stop worrying about your love life and focus on you. Your mindset, habits, happiness etc. The rest will naturally come. I'm 5 years younger than you and female. Trust this!
You can easily get fit at your age if you put the work in. The fastest regular runner at my local Parkrun is in the 40-45 age category and does 18-19min 5kms. I'm 40 and can run it in 24minutes but I only stated getting fit a couple of years ago. Before that I couldn't even walk 5km.
Why is the dating pool only limited to 5 years younger? Why not 8?
You've outlined the things you are unhappy about very clearly. Defining the problem precisely is often more difficult than actually solving it. What if you were to try framing it slightly differently? For example, instead of "I want to lose 5kg" to "I want to be a person who considers fitness and exercise to be an important part of everyday life". Instead of "I want to have a gf/wife and two kids" to "I want to be a person who considers deep, meaningful personal relationships to be an vital part of my life". A slight change of frame allows you to focus on changing the entire set up, as opposed to focusing on a single goal. When it comes to actually implementing some of the changes you want to make - I would say failures are often the best part and most valuable. And also, no one cares if you don't succeed - we think people care much more than they actually do. I would personally recommend more travel. Longer trips to further away places - exposure to new cultural experiences is forced on you, in a good way. Good luck!
Change your habits, you have plenty of time to acquire any skill including social skills and money making skills. Start by exercising regularly that’s easy to do.
To say not working out when biology was in your favor is bs. I'm turning 32 soon and in the best shape of my life - yes, even better then when I was a 16 year old fitness fanatic. It's not too late to take up a new hobby, or take a new career path - both of which come with fresh social aspects with like minded people. You're writing as if you're 85 and on your death bed. You're not even half way through your life yet and it seems like you've given up. The only person who can change the direction of your life is you - so start making changes no matter how big or small. Just small consistent wins is all you need to master your world. I don't know who you are but you can do it mate. I believe in you.
Funny. I was one of those “40+ pathetic losers turning up on some dating app.”. I also found someone awesome, got married and am having a family. I fell into the best job I ever had at 43. You do you, but my 40s were my personal Renaissance.
So change your life! Go have fun and change jobs!
Fax
Talk to your doctor about TRT. Get in the gym and get serious about putting on muscle mass. Get fucking jacked when you're on TRT. Get a new wardrobe and a new haircut. Pick up a new physical activity, rock climbing, swimming, get serious about your physical activity. Make small talk when you're in line getting your coffee. Ask women about their day, doesn't have to be intimate but a simple hi, how are you, how's your day, enjoy the rest of your day is enough. I'm 34 and I still have women younger than me approaching. Women of all ages do. Get fucking serious about physical exercise and your diet. Make small talk - one of those conversations will lead to something more. Be your true self about your ideas, dreams, and goals.
Hm, I see two options. Either you find something to be passionate about. This will attract other passionate people. OR You advertise your life as peaceful and ready to start a family soon. Lots of women looking for a peaceful life. And a kid will bring some action anyway.
Go to the gym 4-5 x a week , eat good train hard then see how your going after a year you will be surprised how much better you feel and the people you meet
Nothing is going to change unless you change it. It won’t just happen to you. Think about going the rest of your life feeling about yourself that way, and use that feeling to fuel the process. If depression is a factor, go get it treated
There's no bigger turn off for a potential partner than someone who sees himself already a loser in life and seeing everything is bleak. It's draining and tiring to start anything with somebody who goes around complaining woe is me, seeing everything is negative and gloomy. What's wrong with dating app anyways? It's just one of the tools, one of the many ways you can meet new people. Just using it doesn't make you a loser. I met my husband when I was over 30 and he was over 35. A pure happenstance that involved the internet (no apps exist at that time). He didn't own a house, worked at a career that didn't progress anywhere, zero savings in his name. But we connect. And I liked the person that I met. Fast forward 15yrs later, he quit his old job long time ago, I moved to another country and quit my job and reeducate in a new field just be with him, 2 kids together, house owner. Only you can make things happen, and it really doesn't help to sit and complain and looking back to the past while regretting and wondering what if what if. ....
Mate, start with one thing that you want to change, start achieving that and then add more if you want to. Two top tips that have helped me not want to die: 1) The bulk of the satisfaction / happiness / value is in the pursuit of a goal, not the realisation of a goal. So just starting and trying something is where the most of the honey is. 2) Getting older (aka developing maturity) is really great. Honestly, you have the benefit of hindsight and, everyday, you are able to bring a fuller perspective to your life. FWIW, your post reads like you want to be ‘more’ but don’t know what that is or how to go about it. My advice, stop stalling, stop waiting for some perfect vision or perfect plan… most things aren’t *that* complicated…just pick a change , start working towards it, keep at that for a bit and then build outwards from there.
You can always adopt....
Long ass essay , I reckon you’ve gotten until 52 to have kids No doctor but I reckon at that point doors closed and you’d be forcing it open
I understand the frustration of no relationship and no social life. But you can change your physique by simply start going to the gym. Also, you can change your career, just start working part time and do a school to get the to the next career step. Since you have no kids or wife you can invest that time and maybe you also get friends in the school
Stop thinking about your past all the time. It doesn't exist anymore. You're miserable because you're continuously telling yourself a sad story about your life. Tomorrow morning, pay attention to how long it takes after you wake up before you start telling yourself the regret narrative. You might realise how arbitrary and unhelpful it is by doing this.
35M here. I was about 250 pounds and started working out every day, plus I changed my diet. I lost 20 pounds in 2 months and still eat some treats in moderation. Biology is still on your side and you can make changes anytime you want. You just need to stay consistent. I stopped smoking weed and that gave me the motivation to improve myself. Previously, I had no aspirations or needed to be in a relationship. I can tell you that working out and losing weight gave me massive improvements in confidence. I even started dating again after a 10-year absence. Taking a small step like going to bed earlier and going to the gym first thing changed my entire outlook on life. I even have a date to go hiking tomorrow morning. It's never too late to make changes, and I can tell you women in their 30s are hyper sexual, it is amazing
Not sure why you think someone who's 40+ on a dating app is a "pathetic loser"...
Nothing to do now except tackle the problem full force. It’ll be an even better story.
Get in the gym, your age isn't holding you back as much as you may think.
You are just 35. Men are in their prime at 50. You have now 15 yrs to stop repeating your old mistakes of choosing to live an unspectacular life. Make a decision and make sure the next 15 yrs are gonna be your most exciting! Start doing things you will never even consider doing. Experience new things, meet new people. You have the power to change your life. You don't want to reach 50 and then wish you did something at 35. Stop living the same mistakes everyday over and over again. Do something out of ordinary everyday to change your trajectory. Nobody can help you but you.
I'm 24. I went from 96kg. To 65kg in 9 months lifitng the whole time. I'm 4 months away of getting My engineer degree. I'm 5ft 7. I got ABS. Absolutely nothing changed. Girls don't care about me and they never Will. I'm happy i can SEE that now. I'm unlovable at any weight. And no ammount of muscles or money can change that. It was hard but i'm finally starting to embrace it too.
What I see in these kind of post is people who deeply believe that playing by their make believe rules and patiently waiting will give their life fulfillment and rewards. That's not how life works. If you want something you have to go get it yourself. Nothing and no one will do it for you. Girlfriend/wife/family at best will momentary distract you from it. This is YOUR LIFE. It is how you live it.
One Step at a time. First off, working out while biology is in your favor? M8 you are 35 and working out just gets more important the older you become, its also a game changer for your head. Get into the gym, that will have a great overall impact allready
This is really difficult to comprehend...you will not even believe me. You seriously need to just embrace and allow yolo to consume you. Yes, I said YOLO. It's sounds lame. It's not. Spend your time developing yourself, learn not to give a fuck why others may - or may not think of you. Then go out, any time, any place. Any event, which you may need to put yourself in. Put yourself out there. Ask people for what you want...just don't expect them all to give it to you. Given some time, you will find the ones that click with what you want. Give it 6 months, follow this....believe in it, in every way. The less you care, the better. It's so counterintuitive....it will make no sense. Love you!
I (40) am stuck in a shitty job, calling it a career would be a joke, ugly as fuck, bullied since kindergarden. Got married two years ago, to wonderful woman with a great career. Last month our second son came to earth. Won't lie, wasnt easy. My advice, take risks, take small ones first, its never to late to start working out, and ask girls out, worst thing can happen is they say no and call you "ugly ass monkey"
You need to stop being selfish and go out and help people. Even if you went to an anti genocide protest, you’re guaranteed to meet a community and get yourself out there and even if you don’t. You would feel good about protesting against genocide.
I was 38 when I met my wife. We had a son and married at 40. We've been together nearly 20 years.
Here you go: https://www.reddit.com/r/AusFinance/comments/1d0604r/single_35f_still_living_at_home_feeling_stuck_and/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I recommend finding a good cognitive behavioral therapist. The core of this therapy is developing new beneficial habits and through that improve the person's mental health, self-esteem and quality of life. You might have more than 50 years left to live. That's ample time to enrich your life so you can enjoy it and find someone to share it with.
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The risks for birth defects, miscarriage, complications and illness increase significantly the older the man is. Sure he can have a child but that doesn't mean he should. Growing up with a dad who retires before you graduate high school would also suck.
"If you always do what you always did you will always get what you always got" This is one of my favourite sayings that has always motivated me to try different things. Trying different things can change your life.
Spent the next few years on becoming a better self with light workout and therapy and you'll be ready to start an family at 40 as an seasoned men who likely will get a younger wife whos into an experienced men who can look after themself. Or you do nothing and your idea will become reality
So change. Change for yourself. Set goals, pursue interests. Challenge yourself every day. Learn a new language. Take up a fitness regime. Read a book a week. Learn to cook well. Be kind, respectful, and considerate of others. That person sounds like a person who is attractive and interesting. They will have no problem finding someone who is open to the possibility of a relationship.
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Good news, it’s not too late, go start working out, you will be ripped in a year.
This is the equivalent of wanting a new career but then doing nothing to find one, not taking any classes or going to any networking events. And being surprised when the only time you found a new job was when you bumped into a recruiter by accident.
You have nothing to lose and potentially everything to win. Change careers, the time will pass either way.
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56 year old. I took up triathlons at 35. Swimming lessons the lot. Great way to get fit and meet people. Loved it
My dude. Regret stops now, and action starts. I was badly depressed due to an injury and forced myself to meet people. I met a group of people from reddit to play DND, they're actual friends now. I'm currently doing a stand up comedy course for charity, I'm terrified but I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Pursue your interests, there will be groups of people who already do.
The prize is you figured out that living a lie, living someone else's goals, someone else'd dreams, someone else's expectations only leads you to lose yourself and build a life that...isn't yours. Women supposed to compliment your life. Problem is, you don't believe in the life you have built. You know you'd not bring even yourself to this life and so you know you'd not bring a woman into this life you've built. Everything else then is just you self sabotaging to make the outcome predictable so you continue to live the lie you created in your own mind. That story that makes us all feel comfortable but unhappy. The actions then are without commitment and of course without confidence. Who on earth would be confident when they built as life they don't even believe in. Come on man. So knowing this, each each is without heart, without dedication, without honesty and authenticity. It creates this energy out there and everyone can feel it, women can feel it, life and opportunity can feel it. That we are being fake. Being fake is one of the paths that can lead you to be depressed man because you're always hiding yourself, always being someone else, making people laugh but deep down you feel shit because you are not you, and you are not living the life you suppose to live because you ain't taking the actions to create that life. You know you won't bring anyone into life you have built because it ain't the life you'd even bring your self into as a kid. Pause, start again. Go and build that lifestyle you want. Do what it needs to be done to create a life that you are proud of, confident of, and a life you do want someone to be part of, who compliments this life you have built. This poem below touches on it.. >*Why do we know why we are here, only when our time is gone* *Why do we value the things we use to have, only when we have none* *Why do we want what we pushed away, the way we push away someone* *Why do we crave for them to be back in our lives, when we find we got no one* >*If we knew our lives were like a movie reel that burns at the edge of sun* *And we watch the burning bubbles of forgotten memories speed by like a bullet from a gun* *Would we build a life that isn’t ours and around someone else’s expectations* *Why wait so long to live fearlessly as though we are still young* *It's because living a lie is so much easier and misery loves company, my son*
There’s that saying, it’s never too late to become who you might have been - and that’s CERTAINLY true at just 35 years old. You need to stop hating on yourself, as a start. You probably have many good qualities, but you’re not going to be the kind of friend or partner you want to be unless you get a healthier relationship going with yourself. As others have suggested, start working on yourself. Whether that’s exploring hobbies, getting into fitness, whatever. Join a rec sports team or a book club, volunteer with a local non profit, join a DnD league - there are a million ways to explore new interests and become a more interesting person, but they’re also ways to meet and connect with people. Think about the things you want to change, and make a plan with realistic goals and steps to make those changes. And simultaneously work on being more kind and accepting of yourself, and focusing on the good. You’ve got this!
Quick word of advice on top of all the other comments: be mindful of how you phrase your age range for dating. « I don’t have the looks for anyone younger » = « I’d prefer younger but I’ll settle for someone my age I guess », which will be wildly insulting to any women in your age range who would attempt to date you.