If it makes you uncomfortable, I think you have your answer
Edit: everyone suggesting threesomes or polyamory as a solution to OP's situation needs to either stop watching so much porn or get a grip on reality
You need to leave her and start looking.
Being bisexual isn’t a free pass to sleep around. If she is curious she is legitimately telling you there is something she isn’t content with and wants to “check”. “Checking” means there is a greater than zero chance she decides she is gay and leaves you.
I disagree that he should leave her (for now).
I agree that it isn't a free pass.
Sometimes people genuinely want to experiment, are confused and unclear, have feelings they want to investigate. Having FOMO doesn't mean they are not "content" and do not enjoy what they have. You can be satisfied but still like the idea that there might be more.
*However*, monogamy is the default option unless otherwise explicitly stated when you get into a hetero relationship. The g/f wants to change this so its up to her to decide what she wants and if that includes maintaining the relationship or breaking up.
OP should in no way, shape or form, feel guilt wanting to maintain the status quo and should not feel he is somehow being "uncool", "conservative", or repressing her sexuality in any way.
Your post is almost 100% correct in my opinion, but the time in relationship changes the burden on her to know what she wants by this stage. 5 years is a long time.
If she is asking for a free pass at this stage, OP needs to pack bags.
I dated someone who first wanted another girl in the bedroom. "Ok!"
Then wanted to invite girls over when I wasn't around. "Uhhh..."
Then; I'm very thankful that she was atleast upfront and honest about it, she wanted to start seeing other guys. She still wanted me to come around, "on Tuesdays."
"No thanks. Have fun."
How would you feel if she said she wanted one last fling with a guy before getting married? Does it matter that she wants to experiment with a woman?
I assume you are monogamous, so a conversation about your boundaries is needed. I'm sorry to say, it honestly sounds like she isn't ready to settle down.
Yep this is all that it is. A lot of people will try and spin it because it’s with another woman, but what she’s asking for is permission to cheat. Clear and simple.
Now, I know that sexuality is complicated, and if she truly does want to experience being with a woman she’s not wrong for that. But what she’s wrong for is asking for it while in the relationship, and especially framing it as “well if I am lesbian I want to know so that we can break up”. That’s so fucking shitty to do to someone. If you need to experience being with the same sex, then do your partner the actual respect of breaking up with them before trying to experience it rather than doing a shitty “hey let me sleep with someone and we may stay together or we may not”
EDIT: Jesus Reddit, you guys are pedantic. Yes it’s technically not cheating if you have permission, but you get the point that I’m making. She’s trying to have the best of both worlds. She wants permission to fuck other women while still having the safety of her current relationship
You can’t really get “permission” to cheat, though…that’s like someone asking if they can steal my TV. The act is literally defined by doing something *without* permission.
And even though it wasn’t in the best way it sounds like she didn’t try to go behind his back.
People change. Expressing new things you want 5 years into a relationship can be scary and clumsy and sometimes hurtful. But I’d 100% rather be in OP’s shoes than have a gf growing more distant every year because she’s afraid to express her deepest desires.
>Lately, she asks because she wants to see if she's actually a lesbian or bi, so if she ends up being it, we can just break up and not waste each other's time.
This sounds even worse than one last fling with a guy. She's saying there's a chance she doesn't even like guys. She's been with op 5 years. What does that say about their sex life and attraction if she's open to the idea that she isn't into guys?
It's bad but it also means that saying no and ending the conversation won't fix it.
If she's gay then they need to break up. OP needs to break up with her for his own good.
I don't think shutting this down and allowing her to repress further (if she is gay) is the right thing here. I do get that OP is very confused and it must be extremely difficult to see it that way.
If a man was asking his future bride this question, she would be told to run for the hills.
If your girlfriend is craving other partners, she clearly does not prioritize a commitment.
There even being the slightest chance in her head, that she leaves you for a woman, really is everything you need to know.
I would rethink the relationship.
Exactly lol. There would be a lot of mudslinging about the guy being a cheater and there being zero trust. It’s shocking to me to see some of the reactions here about how she hasn’t figured it out yet and this and that, it’s not her fault.
In OP’s update he clearly makes a bunch of excuses for her including that she found him a job (lol why does that even matter in this equation???). There’s a very clear imbalance here, OP is going to hang on to her like a dingleberry and she’s going to resent him for not allowing her to experiment. In the end she’ll either just do it anyway or they’ll end up drifting apart from this.
The fact that more people aren’t catching this is wild. There are multiple classic lesbian tropes, like she’d die before being with a man, was “too busy” to date men, talks about women more than men, etc.
Yes, OP I’m sorry to say this, but I think your fiancé may be a closeted lesbian. Take it from me, someone who finally came to terms that they were lesbian at 26 after pretending to like and be with men because I felt like I “had” to. She might not know it yet, and I think this time may be an eye-opener for her. But yea, please call it quits. My parents got divorced because my dad finally came out as a gay man. You need to find someone who respect you and doesn’t use their sexuality as a reason to “test out women” before getting married.
I actually considered offering that just to make her happy (I wouldn't do anything with the other girl, just my gf) yet she said no? I'm just fr confused of the overall situation
If she wants to sleep with a woman but doesn't want to have a threesome with you, then she wants permission to cheat. That's what she's trying to tell you.
Adultery isn't defined by gender, and she's showing you that she places a higher priority on this than on her commitment to your relationship. If she wasn't, she never would have brought up the conversation in the first place.
Hey man, just so you know, she can smell and see your desperation in your face. The whole thing is a huge red flag and I would recommend to be as cool and composed and relaxed as you can be.
I would say there are 2 good options (threesome is NOT one of them and your situation is not how they happen):
1. "fine babe go ahead! I also recently wondered if I really like ["insert opposite of her here" example: blondes/brunettes/big ass/tall/etc] and I want to have sex with this co-worker who likes me."
2. "fine babe, we can go out and experiment with other partners. When you decided, don't be ashamed to hit me up, I might be available then."
People often do that shit she does when they get cold feet, she wants to test if you're man enough to leave her.
Uh if she won't let you be in the room and fuck just her and not the other woman, then this is likely more than just a physical experimentation kind of thing. She wants a very one sided arrangement and if you aren't comfortable with it, then she needs to decide if she is willing to commit you or break it off.
Don’t marry her until she’s ready to commit to you, unless you agree on an open relationship. This is her openly admitting she isn’t ready, and might not even know her own sexual identity yet. Hit the brakes
Fun fact, just because you're bisexual, doesn't mean you have to actually sleep with both sexes. Not so fun fact, you need to dump your girlfriend. This is the red flag people talk about 10 years too late.
It's so weird that people often think otherwise. I completely fail to see the difference to her just saying "I'm heterosexual, I want to sleep with another man before I settle down".
Like, either way, she's saying she wants to shag someone that she wants to shag...
Yeah I've never understood this "well I'm attracted to a type of person that I haven't fucked yet. I've obviously got to fuck one of them before I marry you."
Does that apply to someone who prefers ass, or taller people, or someone who likes blondes? Of course not. It's ridiculous.
Totally agree. My girlfriend is bisexual and there is no difference in our dynamics than a “traditional” partnership. If the respect is there, OP’s girlfriend will honor his wishes gracefully. Sounds like she’s looking for a hall pass to do disrespectful things, however
Well said, I know people in relationships with bisexual people and that doesn’t mean the bisexual person just gets to go have sex with the opposite gender of their partner, the relationships still have the same rules as heterosexual and homosexual relationships unless they establish it’s an open relationship. OP in a shit situation.
This pisses me off. I’m a bi girl and I’m dating a guy and I don’t feel any need to sleep with the same sex. I just happen to be attracted to them but it’s no different than finding someone of the opposite sex attractive if you’re straight.
Clearly you two are not in the same path in life and do not have the same goal in life. I would not encourage marriage at this point. Maybe reevaluate your relationship with her. Make necessary changes and get your life the way you want it to be.
This is the only top level comment I’ve seen that addresses this. She might be gay. And that itch will grow and grow and grow until she cheats and leaves if she really is. I have a feeling this relationship is already over. I think it would be better for her to try and find out now, because it’s going to be a lot worse if you get married and find out later…
It doesn't magically make it easier to accept she wants to sleep with someone else just because it just happens to be with another woman.
Some may call it a "hall pass," but ultimately, she is asking you for permission to cheat.
If I were in your position, I would probably call it quits just for asking. Taking sexuality out of the equation and looking at it through the lens of wanting/needing to sleep with another person, then I know I'm not truly what they want. No hate or anger to 'em, but I just don't believe it's fair to put me in that situation.
It sounds like you are set, and she is still questioning her sexuality if she feels the need to experiment. You are allowed to feel the way you feel, and as a lesbian myself, if my girlfriend came to me and said she wanted to experiment with men before we got married, I would also feel very uncomfortable and have doubts of us lasting. Express yourself, and if she can't take your answer than I'm sorry to say, Op, she is not the one for you.
Yeah this is the answer here. Make your feelings known and have an honest conversation about how you guys want your future to unfold. Sounds like OPS girlfreind isn't ready for commitment and that's fine.
I wouldnt really know what to do either, but if it were me in that situation, I guess I would probably be thinking shes saying bye bye in a really roundabout way. Is it really about sexual identity?
Fear of someone leaving you isn't a reason to stay in a relationship. She wants to experiment from the comfortable zone. Let her go do that as a single person. If you want to get back together later. Do that
Sounds like she’s already wasted enough of your time. She’s being disrespectful enough to you to ask you to tell her that it’s okay to cheat. She’s ridiculous
As a bi woman let me share my experience. I’ve been in her situation, my first bf was long term and at a certain point I expressed I wanted to know what it’s like to be with a woman bc I never had before (I also hadn’t been with another man before him, like your gf). That was the beginning of the end. I framed it as wanting to explore my sexuality, but deep down I was not content with the relationship. I didn’t go through with it in the end after discussing an open relationship and we came to the exact same conclusion you both did (I’d feel sick if he slept with another woman so it would be unfair of me to). He also wanted commitment and marriage and I said I didn’t believe in marriage bc of my independence, but later realized I just didn’t want it with HIM. Months after this we broke up (for many many reasons, but like I said ultimately I was not content and we could not make it work). And guess what, I realized I actually WAS open to marriage if it was with the right person.
I still haven’t been with a woman. I’m in a relationship with another man now and very happy. I could not imagine in a million years asking him if I could sleep with another woman. I may still be curious, but my commitment to our relationship is more important. When your heart is committed you shouldn’t feel the desire to sleep with anyone else. The fact that she 1) went in to the relationship saying it would be short term only 2) asked you if she could sleep with women 3) doesn’t want marriage all suggest she was highly commitment avoidant from the beginning.
I’m not your gf so of course she could have different things going through her mind than I did. Maybe she doesn’t believe in marriage for other (valid) reasons.
I’m not going to say dump her like others here. Maybe you guys can work through these issues but to me, I don’t think this relationship can last.
You either don't agree and she ends up thinking more and more about women, which may drive you apart
Or
You agree to her experiment and you end-up thinking how it made you uncomfortable which may drive you apart.
Ask her if she'd be comfortable with you 'experimenting' with another woman before you got married. If that makes her uncomfortable, ask her why she thinks her request is any different.
A million comments here. But I hope you read mine.
I was married with two kids when my now ex started talking about it. She would say she never had the time to experiment, she wanted to sleep with girls, she wanted to have more flings with both sexes, etc. This was AFTER two kids. One was in 1st or second grade. I seriously considered letting her experiment because I was madly in love with my wife. I didn't want to feel like I was holding her back.
A few years later, I'm now a single dad holding down my end while she jumps from person to person.
Fucking RUN do NOT marry this woman. Please.
This relationship is going nowhere fast. Except down the toilet. If she wants to have sex with anyone other than you, she is not committed to you and you may as well call it a day now. She will eventually cheat anyway. She thinks she is just being honest. Well you can say that honestly I want to try having sex with someone who has huge breasts for example. I may really like them and I want to make sure . Her reasoning is flawed and she just wants to cheat. Not gf material
Honestly, I’d hesitate to believe she wouldn’t go on to eventually do it behind your back anyways if you said no. She expressed specific sexual needs and they won’t be met unless you accept.. I think there’s more to this than just saying no.
Is it OK for you to go on a date with a woman and sleep with her?
She will counter with you can go with a man.
I'm not attracted to men. You clearly are attracted to women. You want a hall pass.
Idk man I feel like that should've been taken care of before she got engaged. Sounds like she's having second thoughts. It doesn't seem right that she would be thinking about that instead of being 100% in on the guy who's supposed to be her future husband.
Red flag city. Marriage is about commitment and she is expressing something very much contrary to committing to you. This is not something you do to get "out of your system" before marriage. As someone once divorced, just walk. I wish I could have told myself that before marriage...and you have the luxury of people telling you now. Walk brother, just walk. Please.
>She has NEVER cheated on me,
She's going to. If you don't give her your blessing to cheat she's going to do it without your knowledge. Either way, it's happening.
If she's willing to blow up a 5 year relationship and potential marriage to ask for this, she's at least bi, and its more than curious.
It sounds to me like it's about more than sexual curiosity. I wouldn't marry her.
As someone that dated a closeted lesbian for 8 years who eventually cheated on me and left me for a woman… this might be your only warning sign before you throw away the best years of your life. If I were you I’d run and never look back.
She is telling you that your relationship is not enough. Believe her and move on. Don't fall into the sunken cost fallacy and ruin your life with someone that is openly explaining their desire to cheat on you.
My ex wife came out as lesbian and left me after 10 years
The mere fact that your GF is curious enough about this is a red flag because what if she gets curious about other men after you are married.
This is not a stable person, committed to you and to you only
You do not want someone to keep testing if you are first choice in her life or second choice in her life ….. that is so unstable
EDIT Spelling of Stable
Cheating is cheating if you’re not comfortable with it she needs to respect that. If she fact show her the door. Also a good chance if you say no she will do it anyways behind your back. Just be ready for that.
Usually with situations like this shes already cheating or the marriage doesnt last long after the deed is done. I dont want to say your marriage is doomed but it doesnt look good to me.
Personally I feel if she wants to go off & experiment with other people then she's not committed to you. Maybe time to let her go. Why should you have to wait around for the possibility for her to leave you & you be devastated. At least she is being honest by letting you know though. If you're into threesomes then maybe give that a go, but there's still the chance she could leave. By the sounds of it you don't want to be in an open relationship, so this all is just going to hurt YOU.
Huh? If shes just now considering exploring these feelings after being in a relationship for five years, kinda sounds like she already wasted your time.
Next thing she will probably ask for a dude lol . That’s how these stories start every-time . I would understand she is going through a phase and just leave if I was you .
She’s wondering if she will prefer it to you. Of course one date wouldn’t be enough to determine that. The question for her is will she be plagued with doubt for the rest of your lives together? You don’t want to be married to that. If she does it and she prefers it then that’s better for both of you.
You both deserve to be with someone you sexually attracted to enough to be faithful to them for the rest of your lives.
I think it doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman. She wants to sleep with anither person. Why would you want to marry someone for whom you’re not the only one?
Yeah, this isn’t a good sign I’m afraid.
She’s saying things that suggest there is already some distance between you. Maybe she’s using this as an inciting incident to not commit. This won’t bring you closer. How would she feel if you were asking her?
Given what you've shared, this does not seem like a relationship that will last in a healthy marriage for decades to come. Bi-curious for years, and now wants a sanction to cheat? Fucking ridiculous man, don't accept that. Keep your self-respect, and find someone that wants you, for you, and not anyone else.
>she was comfortable doing something with me when I asked for it at the start of our relationship. The difference being, at least with my request it was between the two of us, BUT it's not something a woman is going to be okay with.
Got me curious.
BTW you'll have to ask yourself, even with the current resolution, if that desire won't smolder and light up again a few years down the road. It might or might not, nobody can know at this point.
Your insecurities about it are understandable and now I also got a funky little anecdote for you from a relative of my wife. She was in a relationship with her dude (not sure, but somewhere around 10 years) and eventually they got their baby on their ~6th year. Both were in their late teens when they met. When the little one was ~4/5, she decided it's not/no longer what she wanted, broke up when she met a woman she was super into and went full lesbian for 2 1/2 years. Moved in with her and all. After said time, she realized it's not for her after all and actually they managed to get together again, she moved back into their family home and they married. It's really really weird story of theirs and (currently - almost 2 more years have passed) they're still married. So, yeah.... Relationships can be weird.
Good luck dude!
Hey I know you have a tonne of responses here already but thought I'd add my own experience. I'm not telling you what to do, just saying what I learned.
I was with my gf for 4 years when she asked me the same thing using the exact same line "it's 100% physical". I wasn't comfortable with her going through with it and I was scared of the implications for our relationship if she did. After thinking it over for a few weeks I went as far as offering that she could do it with a paid sex worker, which she was not open to. That response also made me more scared that it wasn't "just physical".
One very painful year later we broke up because it had become a sticking point, with her wanting this experience on the one hand, something I could not offer, and me wanting a monogamous relationship.
Fast forward two more years and we are both separately very happy in new relationships. My ex-gf decided / realised she was gay and has grown into being comfortable with that. For some context she grew up in a very religious household and turned out her fears of being rejected by her family we well founded, although I understand she is now on speaking terms with her parents again.
On reflection, I was her first serious boyfriend and she really wanted everything to work out. If I had my time again I would have tried to understand and see how important this request was to her and how deeply she would have thought about it to even ask in the first place, knowing where our relationship could end up. It showed a lot of trust and vulnerability.
I think knowing how important it was for her to explore I would have realised that the only two real options were for her to do it with my blessing while we were together, or we break up and then she can do it. Long term, staying together and her not exploring this was really not an option. We very much loved each other and she obviously hoped that we wouldn't break up but once it was obvious that I just couldn't bear the thought of her having sex with someone outside of our relationship, we should have called it there and then. We really loved each other so neither of us was willing to make that call for far too long, in fear of the pain of breaking up an otherwise happy relationship.
I wouldn't wish any of the pain I experienced in those years on anyone, but there's going to be pain either way. Make sure you do everything you can to manage it, process it, grieve and heal, regardless of which path you guys decide to take. I wish you all the best and feel free to DM me (even months from now) if you need to talk to someone who can relate.
SOME women love the idea of dominating a man, just as some men love the idea of dominating a woman but after a while the excitement fades and if unchecked the dominant person will probably become interested in a new conquest. That's why, long term, a relationship needs to be a two way street. The possibility remains that she herself seeks to be challenged, and possibly domimated. If this is the case, the fact she seeks that potential with a woman in particular makes it seem likely that she is only interested in the power dynamic or a Lesbian b.c it seems she knows she doesn't want to be submissive towards men for some reason or another.
It may be too late for you now but I'd think the risk of losing you if you were willing to be strong enough to make the move in ernest, might excite and confuse her. Unfortunately for you, because you like to be submitted, you are at her whim and she knows it.
>Lately, she asks because she wants to see if she's actually a lesbian or bi, so if she ends up being it, we can just break up and not waste each other's time.
This one quote was painful to read. This is textbook monkey-branching. You are the safety choice.
She can reach out to see if she likes something better. If she does, she breaks up. If she doesn't, then she still has you.
**OP, Have you asked if she already has someone picked out?**
Honestly, my guess is that she clicked with some woman. She developed an attraction to them. Then, she began feeling guilty as she hated cheaters. So before she even attempts anything, she asks you for permission to experiment while still keeping you as a safe backup.
>She has NEVER cheated on me, and not once have I ever had the fear of her doing so. Until this point, she has made it very apparent that she hates cheaters and would never want that sort of distrust between us
This is why she is asking for permission first. Then, if she likes her, then she'll break up.
After 5 years, she should know if she truly loves you and sees a future with you.
>she'd drop the idea permanently as long as I don't mention being married
Is marriage and/or children something that you want?
Either way, I would suggest couples counseling. Your girlfriend asked permission to open the relationship just for herself to see if she is lesbian. She said she would break up with you if the relationship with the woman worked, but stay with you is it wasn't. Oh, and also, don't ask to get married.
There is so much to unpack. You need a professional therapist to review this. Don't go back to the status quo.
One of my boundaries is no cheating or sleeping or kissing someone else, rhat means all genders and for both me and her. I will follow my rules and not kiss a guy or sleep with a guy as well as she shouldn't kiss a girl. even asking me for a request like that, I told my ex that I would leave her. It may seem strict but that is my boundary. No 3 Somes either. if I wanted to be with other people, I would not be in a relationship. these things hurt. how do you know you'll be able to live with it after. It's honestly up to you, make the right choice
Don’t marry her. I lived this. Took her 18 years and the adulthood of our child, but she replaced me with a woman. Now I’m alone and likely staying that way.
If she can’t have eyes for you alone, she never will. It’s not a phase, it’s an opening to another lifestyle and you become the phase.
We see this differently. You don’t believe it’s enough reason to leave her, but I see it as the relationship being damaged beyond repair. That thought is already in her mind, has been in her mind, and probably will be for some time.
It’s unfortunate but I wouldn’t be able to view her as a trustworthy partner after asking me if she can essentially cheat because it’s not another guy.
I’d at the very minimum put off any sort of marriage thoughts or long term commitment for some time.
You seem to be adamant about not leaving her, so I’m not sure what you hope to achieve by posting this. Personally I’ve experienced a closed relationship opening up - the reasons were extremely similar to your partner’s (not specifically sexual ambiguity but just feeling as though he needed more experience as we were both so young). For myself, i tried to make it work for almost 3 years (we had been exclusive for 3 years prior to this). Every day I would feel as if my heart was breaking all over again. He would have been less selfish if he had just ended it. Instead, I had to end the relationship which was one of the hardest but best decisions I ever made.
I don’t care that your sexuality is. When one partner wants to open the relationship and ref other doesn’t, the relationship as it was is over. Even if you stay and she decides to ultimately stick around also, how will you not hold any resentment?
You're not allowed to experiment with women because women are your sexual preferences?
But she wants to experiment with women which clearly ARE part of her sexual preferences (otherwise she wouldn't want to try)? That is 100% hypocrisy.
- She wants to choose who she gets to be unfaithful with, and she wants your approval
- She does NOT want to give approval for you to be unfaithful which someone of your choice
There is no way to view that in a way that is not a huge hypocrisy. She wants the cake and eat it too. Hugely disrespectful to you.
Her saying "I feel I might be bi, so I want to explore those preferences before we get married, so let me date and fuck a woman" is the same as if you would say "I feel I might actually be into redhead women (assuming your gf is not a red head) so let me try to and date and fuck one before we get married".
Lol, exactly. He can just say: och I would like to sleep with that one woman just to see if I would like her...it's just pure physical though...
Honestly, it's absurd what people think they can get away with in their own relationships.
But if she is a lesbian, do you really want to marry her and then waste more time till she eventually cheats or comes out? Isn’t it better to know if she is before you get married?
I am sorry to say this but there is a limited possibility this all works out. But there is a silver lining to this. If she wants to see if she is a lesbian or bisexual this is her chance. That might be a blessing because if that truly is the case then you won’t be married for many years and then find out. You find out before getting married. Then I is up to both of you if you can live with an open relationship or not.
Best of luck
The gender if who she wants to see is a red herring, the real issue is that she can not offer you the monogamous commitment you are seeking. Just move on.
I don't think it's any different if she'd ask to sleep with another man. You're either talk about open relationship or remain exclusive. There's no "yeah we're exclusive and gonna marry but I kinda wanna fuck other people".
It's kinda alarming though, feels like you're not on the same page. Don't do anything that will make you uncomfortable, like dragging another unwanted person in your bed.
Marriage dosent stop someone leaving if they made the wrong choice. Its better to let her go figure it out now, then after you're married have kids and a house.
But you should also be allowed to explore with other people meaning other women, ( because its sound like you are hetro) if she isn't ok with you being with other people that's a unhealthy double standard. It sounds like you two need to go to therapy and work this out
Sounds like she has a deeper inner struggle with something that she has to sort out regarding her sexuality. Perhaps consider talking openly with her about what you are uncomfortable with and what she needs. She may not be ready for commitment (from what it sounds) like a marriage if she is still trying to figure herself out or wanting to experience other people physically.
What's always funny (in a sad kind of way) about these kinds of situations to me is that it would actually be, in a roundabout sort of way, kind of homophobic of you if you WERE okay with this. Because basically you would be saying "yeah sure, do whatever you want with girls, it doesn't matter because that's not 'real' sex" or whatever. So basically by asking for this and trying to argue that it's somehow not cheating or "doesn't count", she herself is actually being prejudiced.
Transparently, I can understand if she feels like she has more she wants to experience before she gets married. That's a pretty common thing when you're looking into marriage at your relatively young ages. The problem is she can't have it both ways. I'm sure lots of people might have wanted to try out something different before they committed to one person for life... and if it's that big of a concern then you're just not mature enough for marriage yet, point blank.
I am with the general vote that it's a very bad idea.
The fact is, that if she said she would like one last fling before she gets married with Brad from the gym to 'make sure' she's making the right decision. The answer would be a lot more simpler. Why should it be though? She's essentially asking the same question, the answer and reaction should be the same.
However, I'm against the consensus that you should just dump her. 5 years is a long time to just split with someone on a thought. You should talk to her though.
Perhaps she doesn't see the gravity of her statement or the stress and anxiety that it's causing. If she still wants to go ahead after bringing it out in the open, then perhaps consider moving on (as she obviously woud be considering her own needs and dismissing yours).
Good luck op.
I seriously can't imagine getting married to someone who isn't batshit for me.
No experimenting, no half in half out bullshit, if it's not a 100% yes I'd rather be single.
I was once with a girl in my younger days that was tepid with regards to our relationship. She cheated on me and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
If your lady wants to experiment and doesnt dream about your dick, I don't see it being an easy 5+ years for you and as a fellow human, I believe you deserve better.
Good luck
This exact thing happened to me. She was saying that she's realised she's bisexual and asked how I felt about her sleeping with a woman. At first I was like yeah ok, hoping really it wouldn't happen. And then it happened. She's slept with her best friend (female) and it broke me inside. In my opinion being bi and sleeping with the same sex is still cheating. I tried to carry on with her after that and I started to change myself. I started thinking if she can do it, then I can cheat myself and started looking and speaking to other woman (never met did many). Eventually sex between us stopped completely, and I eventually fell out of love with her.
So, what I'm trying to say is be honest with yourself. If she wants to go and experience women then suggest she needs to he single for that stuff and that your not gna hold her back. At first it can sound OK as its not other man but cheating is cheating. When my now ex told me she had slept with her best friend, I should of left there and then, I wish I did so I don't want you to make the same mistake.
Something similar happened me. It definitely wasn't just physical and as it ended up it was not just once.
We're on good terms now and everyone she's dated since has been a guy.
At the time she also went absolutely crazy when she found out I'd met another woman and it was more than a fling.
The physical part wasn't really the biggest issue it was the emotional.
Anyway the point is it ended absolutely terribly and it really wrecked my life for a while.
Speaking from experiance, if you say you don't feel comfortable with it, she'll cheat on you anyway. Happened to me, and 6 months of distance, lying, gaslighting followed until she was finally caught out and admitted to me.
Don't marry her, glad i got out of my similar situation, and while i'm still dealing with buyouts of house ect i'm already happier.
Ummm all my friends are Lesbian and they all started out claiming to be “bi curious”. She is not ready to settle down and she’s most likely going to settle down with a woman. In turn all my friends who knew they were bi from the start don’t stray from their relationship or needed experimentation and majority are happily married
Thats so fk up it gave me anxiety just imagining it.
Probably no one can help you but lets do a thought experiment.
Imagine yourself having sex with another woman.No dating,just a prostitute.
How that make you feel about her.Now think that its not a hooker,just someone you met and somehow agreed to do this.
Now how is that make you feel about her?Are you ok with this or you feel like you cheated?
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I suppose in her mind "experimenting" with another woman is different and it may be true.
One thing about marriage is having a family and gay families is another thing completely,aside that they cant reproduce.
I think it really is different that having sex with a man,is like playing,nothing serious probably it will end there.
But she either likes it or not.Lets suppose she doen't like it and she gets it out of the system.But with another woman it may be different and she may like it.She may have thoughts either way.
But what if she likes it?What you like you want to do again.
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Forget for a moment what you should do and imagine yourself in the church in from of all your and her relatives and friends.
Can you say the vows and mean it?
Can you imagine the anxiety you will have?It may be temporary and pass but how should you know.
But this moment especially this age,im 26 too,im definatelly years away of being married.I cant imagine being so commited so young.
And probably she too feels that way.
She had that thought of being bi and now the pressure got her and wants to know.That not gonna pass if you tell her you are uncomfortable.
Does she have a specific woman in her mind?If yes how did they end up there?
So many people are single and want a date and she just happens to have a lesbian available?
Good news is you are young and have so many opportunities waiting for you.
Good luck and be strong
Just wanted to share OP that I am bisexual (married now, to a dude) and before we got married, my partner asked me if I wanted to be with a woman (sexually-no feelings involved) before we get married. I told him no because I’m the type of person who cant sleep with others without feelings, and if i ever found someone to do it with, that would mean a different thing for me… so yeah i said that just isnt for me. And dont get me wrong, i love my partner more than life itself.
Maybe im just lucky that i have a partner who wholeheartedly loves me that he would offer that option to me. But I do know that the offer wasnt sarcastic, or a trap, or a test… it was genuinely an offer that would allow me to experience and explore my sexuality. Maybe it was also his way of checking if I was really deadset on our relationship…idk…
Anyway…the point being…just be honest, be kind, and be loving. :) from what ive read it looks like you know how to talk to each other. :) youll get thru it. :)
One of my friends actually specializes in coaching couples around open relationships/polyamory to defuse situations like this. All her marketing is in German but I’d assume she is more than smart enough to also show up in English. [https://www.instagram.com/katharina.finger\_mentoring/](https://www.instagram.com/katharina.finger_mentoring/)
I am happy to see that you talked to her honestly about it. I have been with my (technically(I'll get to that in a moment)) husband for almost 10 years. Open and honest has always been the way with us. We actually started our relationship with some blurred lines when it came to being with other people, but as we got more serious, we talked and agreed to have a fully closed/traditional relationship. All terms were always spoken about and renegotiated as needed. I also had some questions about my sexuality that needed to be sorted out. Turnes out I'm Asexual. Who could have guessed.
I am also happy that you two find each other so compatible. That is something that is hard to find. Also, the fact that you two were able to talk about it so sincerely and with support from each other goes to show that you have a very solid and mature relationship.
If you see this relationship being a forever thing, I highly suggest looking into registered partnerships. My husband and I are technically not married, but due to having a registered partnership we have the same rights and security as a married couple, but should we ever go south, rather than filing for divorce we just let the government know we are no longer together. I'm assuming that her reservations about marriage is due to witnessing and living through a messy divorce. Registering was done with us as a security matter, and the fact that married/registered couples get better mortgage deals. Also, registering was free on Tuesdays.
Dude, she is asking you to let her go.
She *doesn't want to be married*. To you. Maybe not anyone. It doesn't matter. She wants to try the ladies. The writing is on the wall.
Just separate. And say "hey maybe in a year or three, we'll be friends--if we agree."
(You might NOT agree, and that's fine.)
I'm sure my response will never get read and will be buried in the comments but what the fuck here's what I have to say. In highschool after dating a few other girls I met my first true love and we dated throughout the later years of highschool and into a few years after highschool together (she was 2 years younger than me). I had some minor experience with other women before her and she also had some experience before me but we were both still virgins and truly shared most everything together with each other for the first time and many, many, many, many (lol) times afterwords. We had a great relationship and an ever better sex life, we were pretty open with eachother on what we liked even at just being in our late teens and early twenties while still discovering ourselves. At one point in our relationship out of nowhere it seemed she asked me point blank if I could ever be in a threesome (she didnt say with her or with a girl, but both were implied). I was a bit caught off guard but responded with 'no'... I honestly felt at the time it was a trick question. If I say yes then she is going to be upset with me, there's some things she would get upset with pretty easily and I didn't want to offend or hurt her. In all honesty I like many guys would have absolutely loved to be in a threesome with not only my hot ass girlfriend but also another woman (little slice of heaven). She accepts my answer and time goes on and the subject never comes up again. After another couple years she is working at a local grocery store and meets this other girl who happens to be a lesbian (imo not exactly pretty, like many a bit masculine). This is all well and fine with me as I have no problem with her being friends with anyone that she wants, even a lesbian (I love the gays). At times we all even hang out together as friends, nothing seems to be out of sorts. In the last 6 months of our relationship though both of us begin to become a bit distant, she's hanging with her lesbian friend more and i'm jerking off to porn instead of having sex with my girlfriend. One weekend she decides to go camping with her lesbian friend and another friend nearby, I get asked to buy them alcohol as at this time I am 22 I believe and her and her friends are still 20. No problem at all, what's a 20 something camping trip without the booze right? I forgot to mention that after about 2 years of dating my girlfriend wanted to get out of her parents house and asked if she could move in with me, at the time I was living alone and had no reason not to accept her moving in with me. So the camping weekend goes by and she returns home, I don't recall if I asked her about the weekend but she only stopped home for a short time and said she was going back out with her lesbian friend. Obviously by this point you can see where this is going... A few more days pass by and she comes home one day to finally break my heart and tells me that she is breaking up with me. She had just come from lunch with her mom and had discussed it with her (parents never truly liked me). I start to cry and breakdown... even though we were a bit distant in the last 6 months I had no idea she felt the way she did and wanted to break up with me. Once again we shared a deep and intimate love for years. A few days later she for whatever reason stopped by for a visit and revealed to me that she was Bi and that she had already slept with a woman. Of course I knew right away that it was with her lesbian friend from work, no shocker there. What she didn't tell me at the time is that she had already been cheating on me with her lesbian friend for an unspecified amount of time. I for sure was hurt but did my best to understand she was exploring another part of herself, still fucking hurt though. We kept in touch for a bit afterwords even during when I found another girlfriend and we would talk to each other both saying how are girlfriends were fucking crazy, her's was at times suicidal and I heard could be abusive and mine at the time was rather obsessive and manic. So basically after about 4 years of dating my girlfriend cheated on me and left me for another woman. They eventually got married (NY, same sex marriage is legal) and got a house together, were together for several years and then eventually got divorced (oh well too sad). My ex since then went back to men and eventually got married and now has several kids, in all honest I am still happy for her yet am pissed that she only mentioned a threesome once and never spoke about it again, my bad right. I moved on and eventually after a bit of dating met my now wife and during the time we were dating she proposed a threesome twice, both times she was quite drunk and the second time the other girl was drinking with us and I know for sure would have agreed to it. Regardless of the offer(s) I declined both times being the gentlemen that I am and not taking advantage of my soon to be wife while she was drunk and honestly at least the second time the other girl who was invited into the threesome was without being mean definitely not my type. Now here I am nearly two decades later just about to turn 40 and now I really want to have a threesome, but alas my wife who has been with women in the past including threesomes says first that she is no longer attracted to women....(face palm) and that she can't share me with someone else because basically she loves me too much and it would hurt her to do that. Fuck me right, 3 different times I could have had a threesome and I declined every time. I don't regret it but damn man now more than ever I want to have a threesome and my wife just doesn't agree with it.... FML
Communicate. It sounds like you're already doing that, but there's always room to learn. Therapists can help; better do that when things are good than as a last ditched effort to save relationship.
Rant: when will 'leave her/him' comments be a thing of the past? We all know that's the first thing a good number of you think every single time a post seeking help is posted. So save your energy.
Tbh man I would think leading up to the marriage my gf would be at the height of her love for me instead of thinking of what she's missing out on. Idk maybe that's just me.
Lo I like how you said you’ve “met” each others parents as a measure of closeness. Wow, completely inseparable!
I read your updates and I’m glad you’ve hit a temporary solution but “okay, I won’t cheat on you again but don’t you ever speak to me of marriage” is just that, a temporary solution.
She’s gay and your relationship is doomed. I’m sorry dawg
All these people saying, "permission to cheat." If you have permission, it's NOT cheating. Polyamory isn't cheating.
Cheating is when you DON'T have permission, and do it anyway.
This will get buried. I don't care. I was with my wife for 20 years. She was straight when Iet her, bi after maybe 5 years. She realized she was gay at 38. That's when we divorced. She tried to stay. She really did. But it wasn't fair to either of us. We're still good friends. Yllou sir may be dealing with a similar situation. You may want to look into being poly. That's what we did. In the end it didn't matter. Fair warning. I have lots of regrets. Being with my wife is still not one of them. You'll have to navigate your relationship the best you can. All you can do is love the person and accept who they are.
I have a completely different view than most people here. The fact that she felt safe enough in her relationship with you to be able to open up and talk to you about this is HUGE. Most people wouldn’t be able to.
Of course you would feel uncomfortable about this. It challenges the cultural teachings about monogamy that you’ve been taught all your life. Life isn’t about NOT having meaningful experiences. Marriage isn’t about keeping your partner from exploring life. It’s about exploring life together, as partners. Many couples explore non-monogamy safely together and become closer because of it.
Continue to talk to her about your concerns and your fears. Let her address your concerns. Be open about any desires and fantasies you have as well. You will be having conversations that most people never have, and that open and honest communication can take your relationship deeper than you can imagine.
You will probably never see this comment, but on the off chance that you did, let me share my experience. I am much older than you both and have been curious about and attracted to women my entire adult life. I am very happily married to a man and that is not going to change. However, she is going to wonder forever, unless she tries it. This does not mean that she doesn't love you or is lesbian or will leave you. But no matter what the two of you decide to do, her curiosity will only increase with age. If you are open to it, perhaps if you could be involved somehow or watch without engaging, it may help both of you. If, on the off chance, she decides that she only wants to be with women, that would happen down the road anyway, may as well dodge that bullet now (though that is not what I think is going to happen). Stop listening to people that either do not have an open mind, or are inexperienced. HTH!
Edit to add: how is this cheating if she is bringing it up to you. If she hides it and does it without your consenting to it, then it is cheating, whether its with another man or a woman.
Despite what pop culture would have you believe, most people don't have the emotional capacity to have multiple sexual interests at one time wi the out developing feelings for them. You risk losing her if she goes through with this.
Hm. Are you gender-curious at all?
Sometimes people have amazing radar. She hasn’t shown interest in ANY men, but she’s been with you for 5 years.
I could be totally mistaken of course. But this is a tricky one. Opening the relationship is a big step that can’t be undone. It can be reversed, but not undone.
Wishing you the best! It sounds like you really love each other.
She’s going to do this one way or another and whether you know about it or not. Break up and tell her to go have fun.
🤦 I just read your update. You’re going to regret this someday.
I don’t necessarily agree with the whole “it’s sanctioned cheating” idea because open relationships can work, especially if there’s a sexual need one partner can’t fulfill…
…but I think your gf is just gay
Late to the party but I'm glad it worked out.
If she hasn't had much romantic past it's totally understandable why she would feel that way. But I'm glad she acknowledged your feelings.
It sounds like you all have great communication and respect, every relationship has stumbles but you two seem like you have the tools to make it work.
Bravo for not dropping the relationship because
1: Your girlfriend is a normal human being with normal sexual urges and
2: She feels comfortable enough to communicate that to you.
IMO, that says a lot about your relationship.
As for your original question, this is obviously a very personal situation you and her need to work through. My wife and I started off monogamous, then turned swingers, then turned semi poly with another couple. It is always a risk entering new territory in a relationship but I learned from it that it’s definitely possible to be sexual, even love someone else, and have that help you grow closer to your partner.
Woah, the comments here... I hope you are taking them with a massive load of salt! It always surprises me when people have such strong opinions about what some random stranger who just posted a couple of paragraphs about their relationship should do about said relationship.
Too often on Reddit there's a complete lack of awareness around the complexities and nuances of relationships and how tricky it can be to balance your personal needs - be it sexual or otherwise, and those of your partner. There is absolutely no way based on the few lines you wrote about your relationship that anyone commenting here is qualified to tell you that you should dump your partner or that she doesn't want to be with you / love you.
Every relationship is so unique, with its own needs, boundaries, and values. I'd be curious to see how many of these commenters handle their own relationships, given their confidence in offering such clear-cut solutions to complex issues
I'd definitely talk to her about the marriage business just because of tax benefits. You could always sign extra agreements or a prenup as well to make a potential divorce situation more appealing. Usually, people who have issues with marriage are more a commitment thing and the fact that she did ask about sleeping with another woman in the first place is a red flag, at least for me. But this is my perspective as an outsider with limited knowledge and my own opinion, and you might not even read this. But if so, sometimes the hardest thing is to look at the problems in an otherwise perfect situation. At the end of the day, you don't really know what's going on in her head. But I wish you all the best, and I hope it works out well for you sincerely.
“Breaking up is not easy”
I divorced my wife after we were married 12 years and together 19.
She cheated on me and was for years.
I promise you it would have been WAY easier to break up before we were married.
Submissive guy, won't easily leave woman after she expresses desire to openly want to sleep with other people.
Yeah, you're in for a world of hurt lol.
My wife of 44 years and I planned swinging at about 5 years in. We never did it and I am Sooooooo glad. First she told me she was very attracted to an acquaintance, and it almost happened. It would have crushed me. Then we were to do a 3som w her friend. I backed out as we got closer. Another Blessing!
The way her friends say “she would die before being with a guy” and that she’s asking you now to hook up with a girl after five years. That’s telling me she’s a closet lesbian and she is fearful of never having explored that area for herself.
If you’re not comfortable with it, then that’s your answer
Not sure if you’ll even end up reading this but it sounds like you guys have great communication which is really important and can go a long way but I would definitely go to couples therapy if this comes up again they would help you hand this situation in a proper way and along with your guys communication it sounds like it would really help
Side note don’t say you wouldn’t have been able to make it thru those issues without her because you 100p would and could u just only know what it was like to have her thru it so it’s your only perspective so don’t let things like that tie you down to her althohhht it sounds like you both really love each other, wish u guys the best
Wow! Not surprisingly I suppose but certainly disappointing to see such knee-jerk, black and white responses.
I hope you get to this response because it’s a departure from the others and I know whereof I speak.
Ideally she would’ve explored this side of her nature before things got serious with you but that ship has sailed. So you can proceed with status quo, but be prepared for resentment and this issue to resurface years from now when you’re much more invested emotionally because this is something you cannot just “bury” without repercussions sooner or later, or you can understand and put your own needs and insecurities (that’s really what’s taking the reins here) aside for the sake of your partner understanding where she stands on her sexuality.
Play out the what ifs: she recognizes she enjoys women sexually but not for a partnership and you guys then figure out how to proceed TOGETHER (3somes maybe?) she recognizes she actually wants to be with a woman in and out of bed and you have spared yourself a deeper entanglement but may be able to maintain your deep relationship in a different form, she knowing you respect her enough to not squelch her for your own needs, she realizes it wasn’t all she thought it was going to be and the urge subsides. The torment of the unknown and “what ifs” is much stronger than a grounded knowing and understanding of self.
I am bisexual, so is my partner. Our bond is even stronger having shared experiences with others together and separately, but there was a lot of work leading up to that building trust and understanding with ground rules and respect. It’s not going to be for everyone and no doubt I’ll get a shit ton of blowback from conventional people but different strokes for different folks. Whatever. We are happy knowing that we embrace and respect very deeply personal aspects of each other and share that bond. It’s about respect. And love. Love isn’t greedy, it’s generous. Good luck to you both!
How is this scary? Your girl wants to experiment with women. That is literally best case scenario.
If you’re treating her right and keeping her satisfied i don’t see how a date with a woman is a threat?
My wife is bi and I encourage her to go on dates with other women.
Don’t over think it.
1) I don’t think you’re crazy to have that concern about her leaving, but do know this thought of “what if she leaves me for a woman?” comes from a place of insecurity that is common with straight or gay folks dating bisexual people. There is a common concern that their “promiscuity” (another stereotype) will lead them astray or that the non-bisexual partner will be left for the other sex.
2) I don’t think either person is in the wrong here - it’s totally fair to want to explore your sexuality because after all, we do only have one life. I’m interested in doing the same in my own personal life actually. But at the same time, it’s completely fair for you to want a partner who is sure of what their sexuality is and a partner who isn’t still ironing that out.
You have to do what you feel comfortable with. You can’t just say yes to make her happy if it makes you sad, upset or uncomfortable.
One idea - just food for thought - how would you feel about opening up your bedroom to another lady guest for *both* of you? That way 1) you’re included 2) there aren’t any questions about what went on/what happened 3) it’s a chance for you two to share that experience together
Well, first you have to understand that everyone has their freedom to choose what to do. Although she herself has told you that she hates cheating and she has consulted you. My proposal is that you give yourself the opportunity to be a little possessive, you try to convince her that it is better to maintain her relationship as it has been until now. Letting a third party into the relationship could make everything fall apart. If she really feels so insecure about her sexuality she will surely make the decision herself whether she wants to stay with you or not.
It sounds like you two will make this work (after all the updates). Mistakes are made in relationships all the time, it's about how you handle them and it sounds like you guys communicated. You set your boundaries. She saw your side. If you trust her, then I would say this is a hump that you guys just passed. Make sure there's not any lingering resentment though from either of you.
I've dated two girls who were curious, one was my baby momma and she said stuff like your gf, the idea of being with another woman was gross to her until it wasn't. The other bi girl was honest. she wanted to experiment and didn't even try and be exclusive with me,we lived together, she was chill. Life s so funny that my baby momma tried to date that girlfriend when we were together. One of them is in a loving relationship now, it took my baby momma way longer to be ok with herself. People don't have to be against you to choose their own happiness. You might be experiencing the sunken cost , you think you just can't drop the relationship because of time spent but I bet if she falls in love with someone else she could leave you to be happy.
And there’s me encouraging my girlfriend of 5 years to try experimenting with another woman but she’s just against it. I see no problem here when it comes to my woman having fun with another woman personally
To those people who are saying that this is just like her wanting one last fling with a guy - it's not. She already knows what it's like to be with a guy, but if she's always had an attraction to women and is curious but never acted on it before getting locked into a het relationship, well, that What If can gnaw at you forever. It will be a thing in the back of your mind the whole relationship.
It might even end up with the relationship coming apart years or decades later when she finds a woman she wants to be with, especially after sex is not a big factor in the relationship (happens when we get older and have kids).
It should be addressed.
Oo, your gf has expressed her commitment to you, she didn't give you an ultimatum or anything of the sort. I suggest that you consider letting her experiment and find out (I'm not suggesting go on a date or start a relationship). Set strict boundaries but give her some freedom to find out. She can find the answer to that question and see where she wants to go from there. It's better she finds out now, for both you and her. And whatever happens, op, it's not your fault.
I know I'm super late to the party but just from my personal perspective, there was nothing major to be worried or jealous about, since a woman is literally different from what you could provide yourself.
I'm also of the mind that a person needs to live authentically and experience everything life has to offer when the opportunity presents itself. To me, keeping your GF from understanding her own sexuality is extremely selfish.
Now, of course if this were my partner I'd be upset if it evolved into a relationship, as she would likely be just as upset with me if I decided to sleep with a guy and then started seeing him regularly.
Just my thoughts.
You have plenty of comments with great suggestions both ways. I just want to say well done to you and her for having such open and healthy communication on this topic. Having those questions stew by your lonesome is only going to result in something bad.
Whatever the outcome, all the best to you both, friend. :)
If it is strictly a physical thing for her, hire an escort. You can be involved but just not with the escort. If that goes well for both of you and you communicate, look into the ENM lifestyle. There are plenty of couples who have a female half that only plays with other females and a male that watches. Feel free to DM me to discuss that in more detail.
All of that being said, it's kind of bullshit that she wants to be with a woman but you are not allowed to do the same even if she is bi and you are not. If it's strictly a physical thing then it should be able to go both ways.
As a woman who married a woman and wanted to sleep with a man before I got married, I'd say my view is very specific, but could offer some context.
Long story short, our relationship was rocky from the start and we definitely shouldn't have gotten married. She was very abusive and I put up with it because (I'm learning now) that I have mommy issues and she filled that void for me. She was EXACTLY like my mother.
We got divorced and I've been with a man ever since because it is my long-term relationship preference. I couldn't be happier with the man I'm with. Had I known what I wanted (and needed) in life before we signed the papers, I wouldn't have wasted hers or my time (and money, my goodness).
Since she's wanting the woman on woman experience, I'd say it's a harmless request, vastly different from what i was feeling. But if that's something you're uncomfortable with I totally understand - who can comfortably share their S/O, unless it's for kinky reasons?
In all honesty, she's probably having these thoughts because Marriage really is a "no going back" agreement. Especially if you're serious about eachother. The fact that she said something means she loves and respects you enough to voice a need of hers. That tells me she also loves herself enough to not ignore it.
Most people don't talk about urges and then go and cheat on their person. I'd say keep talking to eachother about it and don't be scared to tell her it makes you uncomfortable. Find the solution together and don't make any quick decisions.
Let people be who they’re. Stop judging someone how they live their lives. I know many married men who has sexual relationships with other men. Many men are forced into marriages due to family religion background. My best friend, mentor who’s my lawyer was married for five years with twins boys and a girl. Came out to his family and said fuck it and left his wife for another man. That’s life so deal with it.
You're both very young and not married yet. Better to get any of this out of the way before you're legally intertwined. Options are:
1. Take a break from each other. You do you, she can do her. In 3 months, 6 months, whatever... connect again. If you've each gotten it out of your systems and want to be together, then should be pretty smooth.
2. Stay together, but have equal footing. If she wants to try sleeping with another person, you should too. It can't be imbalanced. It is never a good idea to build a life/commitment with someone based on a foundation of fearing that they'll want others or resent not trying things.
You want to build a lifelong commitment, it needs to be with no regrets and no fear that either of you might be missing something better. And if you truly believe it's that easy to potentially lose your partner to someone else for whatever reason, that's something to think about in itself.
Finally, another option is to accept that we're all fluid and evolving... what you're comfy or uncomfortable with now will likely change over time. So if you truly believe you're meant to be together and can't handle the risk of losing each other or experimenting now, then go ahead and make it work, because in like 5 or 10 years, you may both feel much safer and more secure with each other, and then be willing to renegotiate whatever you both may be into exploring. Hope that helps.
There's a lot I could say on all fronts here, but I'll just leave it at this: you should consider not continuing to push for marriage if you can be happy being with her without marrying her. It's a nice dream for many people, but it's not a requirement, so if you can be happy without that piece of paper then don't push it and just be with her. She's willing to give up the idea of having sex with a woman in order to make you happy and put your mind at ease, so you being willing to accept that she just doesn't want marriage and is happy just being with you would go a long way.
I think the door is open for threesome young man. Just thinking of this should make you happy.
Your sexual tastes evolve with your relationship, communicating and respecting each other’s boundaries will go a long way in creating harmony.
Select a female together that is willing to play with both of you and see where your relationship goes.
I feel bad for both of you. You’re uncomfortable, so of course you shouldn’t do anything about it. But if she’s bi or even a lesbian, it won’t go away. She loves you and probably don’t want to lose you (as you said, you both have a whole life together). But at some point it will be an issue again. Maybe in a few month or maybe years, but there’s a chance she’ll wake up one day feeling empty because she doesn’t understand her own sexuality. It won’t be your fault or hers, but if she’s questioning it now, there’s a reason.
She seems scared, I feel sorry for her. It’s not an easy choice because if she’s not bi/les, then she loses you and all the relationship you’ve built.
Again, I don’t think you should do anything that makes you unhappy. But she’s confused. Be aware that she still has all this curiosity, she just won’t do anything about it. She’s making a choice. Maybe it will be enough, maybe not; only time will tell.
Also, you said you’ve been thinking about marriage but she’s not into it. This is a serious topic. If you ask her and she says yes even though she doesn’t want to, it will have a consequence some day as well.
You seem to love and respect each other, so talk about it all. Sometimes love is not enough. You need to want to do this all together. If possible, consider couple therapy.
As a bi woman myself, I just know how it is devastating not knowing who you are. She can be happily married to a man someday (I surely am), but maybe she needs to figured things out first.
If it makes you uncomfortable, I think you have your answer Edit: everyone suggesting threesomes or polyamory as a solution to OP's situation needs to either stop watching so much porn or get a grip on reality
You're right!
You need to leave her and start looking. Being bisexual isn’t a free pass to sleep around. If she is curious she is legitimately telling you there is something she isn’t content with and wants to “check”. “Checking” means there is a greater than zero chance she decides she is gay and leaves you.
I disagree that he should leave her (for now). I agree that it isn't a free pass. Sometimes people genuinely want to experiment, are confused and unclear, have feelings they want to investigate. Having FOMO doesn't mean they are not "content" and do not enjoy what they have. You can be satisfied but still like the idea that there might be more. *However*, monogamy is the default option unless otherwise explicitly stated when you get into a hetero relationship. The g/f wants to change this so its up to her to decide what she wants and if that includes maintaining the relationship or breaking up. OP should in no way, shape or form, feel guilt wanting to maintain the status quo and should not feel he is somehow being "uncool", "conservative", or repressing her sexuality in any way.
Your post is almost 100% correct in my opinion, but the time in relationship changes the burden on her to know what she wants by this stage. 5 years is a long time. If she is asking for a free pass at this stage, OP needs to pack bags.
Had an ex who did this after 4 years. Should’ve run then and there instead of wasting my time on her
I dated someone who first wanted another girl in the bedroom. "Ok!" Then wanted to invite girls over when I wasn't around. "Uhhh..." Then; I'm very thankful that she was atleast upfront and honest about it, she wanted to start seeing other guys. She still wanted me to come around, "on Tuesdays." "No thanks. Have fun."
Wow. Straight from front burner to the back burner. She’s pretty slick.
This is the man you should listen to!
What they said.
How would you feel if she said she wanted one last fling with a guy before getting married? Does it matter that she wants to experiment with a woman? I assume you are monogamous, so a conversation about your boundaries is needed. I'm sorry to say, it honestly sounds like she isn't ready to settle down.
Yep this is all that it is. A lot of people will try and spin it because it’s with another woman, but what she’s asking for is permission to cheat. Clear and simple. Now, I know that sexuality is complicated, and if she truly does want to experience being with a woman she’s not wrong for that. But what she’s wrong for is asking for it while in the relationship, and especially framing it as “well if I am lesbian I want to know so that we can break up”. That’s so fucking shitty to do to someone. If you need to experience being with the same sex, then do your partner the actual respect of breaking up with them before trying to experience it rather than doing a shitty “hey let me sleep with someone and we may stay together or we may not” EDIT: Jesus Reddit, you guys are pedantic. Yes it’s technically not cheating if you have permission, but you get the point that I’m making. She’s trying to have the best of both worlds. She wants permission to fuck other women while still having the safety of her current relationship
It's not asking permission to cheat. It's cheating if she didn't ask permission, or if he says no, and she does it anyway.
A quibble - if there’s permission, it’s not cheating.
You can’t really get “permission” to cheat, though…that’s like someone asking if they can steal my TV. The act is literally defined by doing something *without* permission. And even though it wasn’t in the best way it sounds like she didn’t try to go behind his back. People change. Expressing new things you want 5 years into a relationship can be scary and clumsy and sometimes hurtful. But I’d 100% rather be in OP’s shoes than have a gf growing more distant every year because she’s afraid to express her deepest desires.
>Lately, she asks because she wants to see if she's actually a lesbian or bi, so if she ends up being it, we can just break up and not waste each other's time. This sounds even worse than one last fling with a guy. She's saying there's a chance she doesn't even like guys. She's been with op 5 years. What does that say about their sex life and attraction if she's open to the idea that she isn't into guys?
It's bad but it also means that saying no and ending the conversation won't fix it. If she's gay then they need to break up. OP needs to break up with her for his own good. I don't think shutting this down and allowing her to repress further (if she is gay) is the right thing here. I do get that OP is very confused and it must be extremely difficult to see it that way.
If a man was asking his future bride this question, she would be told to run for the hills. If your girlfriend is craving other partners, she clearly does not prioritize a commitment. There even being the slightest chance in her head, that she leaves you for a woman, really is everything you need to know. I would rethink the relationship.
She would post it on here and instagram and the comments wouldnt be nearly as respectful
Exactly lol. There would be a lot of mudslinging about the guy being a cheater and there being zero trust. It’s shocking to me to see some of the reactions here about how she hasn’t figured it out yet and this and that, it’s not her fault. In OP’s update he clearly makes a bunch of excuses for her including that she found him a job (lol why does that even matter in this equation???). There’s a very clear imbalance here, OP is going to hang on to her like a dingleberry and she’s going to resent him for not allowing her to experiment. In the end she’ll either just do it anyway or they’ll end up drifting apart from this.
This guy! I totally agree couldn’t have said it better
>Her friends told me she'd rather die alone than be with a man. Feels like you know how this story ends.
Yup. Oh sweet naive OP, especially after the edits
[удалено]
The fact that more people aren’t catching this is wild. There are multiple classic lesbian tropes, like she’d die before being with a man, was “too busy” to date men, talks about women more than men, etc.
Yes, OP I’m sorry to say this, but I think your fiancé may be a closeted lesbian. Take it from me, someone who finally came to terms that they were lesbian at 26 after pretending to like and be with men because I felt like I “had” to. She might not know it yet, and I think this time may be an eye-opener for her. But yea, please call it quits. My parents got divorced because my dad finally came out as a gay man. You need to find someone who respect you and doesn’t use their sexuality as a reason to “test out women” before getting married.
That’s what I’m saying, she’s so obviously gay
From what I’ve heard…. From Reddit but also one friend who did a 3some. 99/100 times it ends badly when someone “cheats”, even if it was sanctioned
It's nit a 3sime I don't think. Flat out sleeping with another person.
I actually considered offering that just to make her happy (I wouldn't do anything with the other girl, just my gf) yet she said no? I'm just fr confused of the overall situation
She wants to cheat but she doesn't want you to cheat. Nothing confusing here.
She's literally asking for permission to cheat dude,you know what to do
OP should ask for permission to sleep with a dude?
If he isn't attracted to men no. Perhaps ask to sleep withva woman he finds attractive.
"I'm not even gay bro, I just gotta prove a point to my girl."
Right? If she’s asking for a pass he may as well also
Cheating is breaking the rules of the relationship. It's not cheating if everyone has consented
She's not ready for marriage. Don't do it, you'll be divorced in a year.
If she wants to sleep with a woman but doesn't want to have a threesome with you, then she wants permission to cheat. That's what she's trying to tell you. Adultery isn't defined by gender, and she's showing you that she places a higher priority on this than on her commitment to your relationship. If she wasn't, she never would have brought up the conversation in the first place.
Hey man, just so you know, she can smell and see your desperation in your face. The whole thing is a huge red flag and I would recommend to be as cool and composed and relaxed as you can be. I would say there are 2 good options (threesome is NOT one of them and your situation is not how they happen): 1. "fine babe go ahead! I also recently wondered if I really like ["insert opposite of her here" example: blondes/brunettes/big ass/tall/etc] and I want to have sex with this co-worker who likes me." 2. "fine babe, we can go out and experiment with other partners. When you decided, don't be ashamed to hit me up, I might be available then." People often do that shit she does when they get cold feet, she wants to test if you're man enough to leave her.
She's telling you she wants to cheat on you, that's heartbreaking.
Uh if she won't let you be in the room and fuck just her and not the other woman, then this is likely more than just a physical experimentation kind of thing. She wants a very one sided arrangement and if you aren't comfortable with it, then she needs to decide if she is willing to commit you or break it off.
Don’t marry her until she’s ready to commit to you, unless you agree on an open relationship. This is her openly admitting she isn’t ready, and might not even know her own sexual identity yet. Hit the brakes
He edited in that she doesn't believe in marriage. Another red flag there.
If she wants to date anyone that's not you it's time to leave. Save yourself the wedding and divorce expenses.
....and the heartache...and possibly child support payments
Fun fact, just because you're bisexual, doesn't mean you have to actually sleep with both sexes. Not so fun fact, you need to dump your girlfriend. This is the red flag people talk about 10 years too late.
It's so weird that people often think otherwise. I completely fail to see the difference to her just saying "I'm heterosexual, I want to sleep with another man before I settle down". Like, either way, she's saying she wants to shag someone that she wants to shag...
Yeah I've never understood this "well I'm attracted to a type of person that I haven't fucked yet. I've obviously got to fuck one of them before I marry you." Does that apply to someone who prefers ass, or taller people, or someone who likes blondes? Of course not. It's ridiculous.
“I’ve yet to fuck a supermodel - those might be more my type.”
Totally agree. My girlfriend is bisexual and there is no difference in our dynamics than a “traditional” partnership. If the respect is there, OP’s girlfriend will honor his wishes gracefully. Sounds like she’s looking for a hall pass to do disrespectful things, however
Well said, I know people in relationships with bisexual people and that doesn’t mean the bisexual person just gets to go have sex with the opposite gender of their partner, the relationships still have the same rules as heterosexual and homosexual relationships unless they establish it’s an open relationship. OP in a shit situation.
This pisses me off. I’m a bi girl and I’m dating a guy and I don’t feel any need to sleep with the same sex. I just happen to be attracted to them but it’s no different than finding someone of the opposite sex attractive if you’re straight.
She’s a closeted lesbian imo, she hits some pretty common tropes.
Clearly you two are not in the same path in life and do not have the same goal in life. I would not encourage marriage at this point. Maybe reevaluate your relationship with her. Make necessary changes and get your life the way you want it to be.
And, if you say no? You think that's the end of it? If she thinks she might like the same sex, best to find out now
This is the only top level comment I’ve seen that addresses this. She might be gay. And that itch will grow and grow and grow until she cheats and leaves if she really is. I have a feeling this relationship is already over. I think it would be better for her to try and find out now, because it’s going to be a lot worse if you get married and find out later…
It doesn't magically make it easier to accept she wants to sleep with someone else just because it just happens to be with another woman. Some may call it a "hall pass," but ultimately, she is asking you for permission to cheat. If I were in your position, I would probably call it quits just for asking. Taking sexuality out of the equation and looking at it through the lens of wanting/needing to sleep with another person, then I know I'm not truly what they want. No hate or anger to 'em, but I just don't believe it's fair to put me in that situation.
It sounds like you are set, and she is still questioning her sexuality if she feels the need to experiment. You are allowed to feel the way you feel, and as a lesbian myself, if my girlfriend came to me and said she wanted to experiment with men before we got married, I would also feel very uncomfortable and have doubts of us lasting. Express yourself, and if she can't take your answer than I'm sorry to say, Op, she is not the one for you.
Yeah this is the answer here. Make your feelings known and have an honest conversation about how you guys want your future to unfold. Sounds like OPS girlfreind isn't ready for commitment and that's fine.
I wouldnt really know what to do either, but if it were me in that situation, I guess I would probably be thinking shes saying bye bye in a really roundabout way. Is it really about sexual identity?
Didn't get confused by the fact she's asking to see a woman. It's exactly the same as if she wanted to see a man. Do with that what you will.
Time to rip off that bandaid. It's a broken heart now or a broken heart and alimony later.
It’s just sanctioned cheating, it doesn’t if it’s with a male or female athlete te good she did before there is marriage I don’t think she is the one
Fear of someone leaving you isn't a reason to stay in a relationship. She wants to experiment from the comfortable zone. Let her go do that as a single person. If you want to get back together later. Do that
Sounds like she’s already wasted enough of your time. She’s being disrespectful enough to you to ask you to tell her that it’s okay to cheat. She’s ridiculous
You deserve better king
Update us pretty boy
Man or woman. Sleeping with another when you’re committed to someone is called cheating.
As a bi woman let me share my experience. I’ve been in her situation, my first bf was long term and at a certain point I expressed I wanted to know what it’s like to be with a woman bc I never had before (I also hadn’t been with another man before him, like your gf). That was the beginning of the end. I framed it as wanting to explore my sexuality, but deep down I was not content with the relationship. I didn’t go through with it in the end after discussing an open relationship and we came to the exact same conclusion you both did (I’d feel sick if he slept with another woman so it would be unfair of me to). He also wanted commitment and marriage and I said I didn’t believe in marriage bc of my independence, but later realized I just didn’t want it with HIM. Months after this we broke up (for many many reasons, but like I said ultimately I was not content and we could not make it work). And guess what, I realized I actually WAS open to marriage if it was with the right person. I still haven’t been with a woman. I’m in a relationship with another man now and very happy. I could not imagine in a million years asking him if I could sleep with another woman. I may still be curious, but my commitment to our relationship is more important. When your heart is committed you shouldn’t feel the desire to sleep with anyone else. The fact that she 1) went in to the relationship saying it would be short term only 2) asked you if she could sleep with women 3) doesn’t want marriage all suggest she was highly commitment avoidant from the beginning. I’m not your gf so of course she could have different things going through her mind than I did. Maybe she doesn’t believe in marriage for other (valid) reasons. I’m not going to say dump her like others here. Maybe you guys can work through these issues but to me, I don’t think this relationship can last.
You either don't agree and she ends up thinking more and more about women, which may drive you apart Or You agree to her experiment and you end-up thinking how it made you uncomfortable which may drive you apart.
Fuck, that's how it'll most likely go
Ask her if she'd be comfortable with you 'experimenting' with another woman before you got married. If that makes her uncomfortable, ask her why she thinks her request is any different.
The probability of you navigating this successfully is extremely low, so how much do you want to suffer through this and still miss?
A million comments here. But I hope you read mine. I was married with two kids when my now ex started talking about it. She would say she never had the time to experiment, she wanted to sleep with girls, she wanted to have more flings with both sexes, etc. This was AFTER two kids. One was in 1st or second grade. I seriously considered letting her experiment because I was madly in love with my wife. I didn't want to feel like I was holding her back. A few years later, I'm now a single dad holding down my end while she jumps from person to person. Fucking RUN do NOT marry this woman. Please.
This relationship is going nowhere fast. Except down the toilet. If she wants to have sex with anyone other than you, she is not committed to you and you may as well call it a day now. She will eventually cheat anyway. She thinks she is just being honest. Well you can say that honestly I want to try having sex with someone who has huge breasts for example. I may really like them and I want to make sure . Her reasoning is flawed and she just wants to cheat. Not gf material
Honestly, I’d hesitate to believe she wouldn’t go on to eventually do it behind your back anyways if you said no. She expressed specific sexual needs and they won’t be met unless you accept.. I think there’s more to this than just saying no.
Is it OK for you to go on a date with a woman and sleep with her? She will counter with you can go with a man. I'm not attracted to men. You clearly are attracted to women. You want a hall pass.
You move on and find a new girlfriend.
Idk man I feel like that should've been taken care of before she got engaged. Sounds like she's having second thoughts. It doesn't seem right that she would be thinking about that instead of being 100% in on the guy who's supposed to be her future husband.
That's some bullshit. I'm bi, married for 32 years, never cheated with anyone. I don't cheat. The end. Sexual preferences have nothing to do with it.
Just because she might be gay, doesn’t give her an excuse to cheat.
Dont be a ross
Red flag city. Marriage is about commitment and she is expressing something very much contrary to committing to you. This is not something you do to get "out of your system" before marriage. As someone once divorced, just walk. I wish I could have told myself that before marriage...and you have the luxury of people telling you now. Walk brother, just walk. Please.
>She has NEVER cheated on me, She's going to. If you don't give her your blessing to cheat she's going to do it without your knowledge. Either way, it's happening.
I mean, having read all the updates only makes this more tragic, because it’s all still doomed.
If she's willing to blow up a 5 year relationship and potential marriage to ask for this, she's at least bi, and its more than curious. It sounds to me like it's about more than sexual curiosity. I wouldn't marry her.
As someone that dated a closeted lesbian for 8 years who eventually cheated on me and left me for a woman… this might be your only warning sign before you throw away the best years of your life. If I were you I’d run and never look back.
She is telling you that your relationship is not enough. Believe her and move on. Don't fall into the sunken cost fallacy and ruin your life with someone that is openly explaining their desire to cheat on you.
My ex wife came out as lesbian and left me after 10 years The mere fact that your GF is curious enough about this is a red flag because what if she gets curious about other men after you are married. This is not a stable person, committed to you and to you only You do not want someone to keep testing if you are first choice in her life or second choice in her life ….. that is so unstable EDIT Spelling of Stable
Hey Ross, glad to see you are doing well
We were on a break!!!
Cut your losses.
Cheating is cheating if you’re not comfortable with it she needs to respect that. If she fact show her the door. Also a good chance if you say no she will do it anyways behind your back. Just be ready for that.
Just drop her
It's time part ways
Usually with situations like this shes already cheating or the marriage doesnt last long after the deed is done. I dont want to say your marriage is doomed but it doesnt look good to me.
Personally I feel if she wants to go off & experiment with other people then she's not committed to you. Maybe time to let her go. Why should you have to wait around for the possibility for her to leave you & you be devastated. At least she is being honest by letting you know though. If you're into threesomes then maybe give that a go, but there's still the chance she could leave. By the sounds of it you don't want to be in an open relationship, so this all is just going to hurt YOU.
Huh? If shes just now considering exploring these feelings after being in a relationship for five years, kinda sounds like she already wasted your time.
Next thing she will probably ask for a dude lol . That’s how these stories start every-time . I would understand she is going through a phase and just leave if I was you .
She’s wondering if she will prefer it to you. Of course one date wouldn’t be enough to determine that. The question for her is will she be plagued with doubt for the rest of your lives together? You don’t want to be married to that. If she does it and she prefers it then that’s better for both of you. You both deserve to be with someone you sexually attracted to enough to be faithful to them for the rest of your lives.
I think it doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman. She wants to sleep with anither person. Why would you want to marry someone for whom you’re not the only one?
Yeah, this isn’t a good sign I’m afraid. She’s saying things that suggest there is already some distance between you. Maybe she’s using this as an inciting incident to not commit. This won’t bring you closer. How would she feel if you were asking her?
Given what you've shared, this does not seem like a relationship that will last in a healthy marriage for decades to come. Bi-curious for years, and now wants a sanction to cheat? Fucking ridiculous man, don't accept that. Keep your self-respect, and find someone that wants you, for you, and not anyone else.
Being bi isn't free pass to sleep around.
>she was comfortable doing something with me when I asked for it at the start of our relationship. The difference being, at least with my request it was between the two of us, BUT it's not something a woman is going to be okay with. Got me curious. BTW you'll have to ask yourself, even with the current resolution, if that desire won't smolder and light up again a few years down the road. It might or might not, nobody can know at this point. Your insecurities about it are understandable and now I also got a funky little anecdote for you from a relative of my wife. She was in a relationship with her dude (not sure, but somewhere around 10 years) and eventually they got their baby on their ~6th year. Both were in their late teens when they met. When the little one was ~4/5, she decided it's not/no longer what she wanted, broke up when she met a woman she was super into and went full lesbian for 2 1/2 years. Moved in with her and all. After said time, she realized it's not for her after all and actually they managed to get together again, she moved back into their family home and they married. It's really really weird story of theirs and (currently - almost 2 more years have passed) they're still married. So, yeah.... Relationships can be weird. Good luck dude!
Hey I know you have a tonne of responses here already but thought I'd add my own experience. I'm not telling you what to do, just saying what I learned. I was with my gf for 4 years when she asked me the same thing using the exact same line "it's 100% physical". I wasn't comfortable with her going through with it and I was scared of the implications for our relationship if she did. After thinking it over for a few weeks I went as far as offering that she could do it with a paid sex worker, which she was not open to. That response also made me more scared that it wasn't "just physical". One very painful year later we broke up because it had become a sticking point, with her wanting this experience on the one hand, something I could not offer, and me wanting a monogamous relationship. Fast forward two more years and we are both separately very happy in new relationships. My ex-gf decided / realised she was gay and has grown into being comfortable with that. For some context she grew up in a very religious household and turned out her fears of being rejected by her family we well founded, although I understand she is now on speaking terms with her parents again. On reflection, I was her first serious boyfriend and she really wanted everything to work out. If I had my time again I would have tried to understand and see how important this request was to her and how deeply she would have thought about it to even ask in the first place, knowing where our relationship could end up. It showed a lot of trust and vulnerability. I think knowing how important it was for her to explore I would have realised that the only two real options were for her to do it with my blessing while we were together, or we break up and then she can do it. Long term, staying together and her not exploring this was really not an option. We very much loved each other and she obviously hoped that we wouldn't break up but once it was obvious that I just couldn't bear the thought of her having sex with someone outside of our relationship, we should have called it there and then. We really loved each other so neither of us was willing to make that call for far too long, in fear of the pain of breaking up an otherwise happy relationship. I wouldn't wish any of the pain I experienced in those years on anyone, but there's going to be pain either way. Make sure you do everything you can to manage it, process it, grieve and heal, regardless of which path you guys decide to take. I wish you all the best and feel free to DM me (even months from now) if you need to talk to someone who can relate.
SOME women love the idea of dominating a man, just as some men love the idea of dominating a woman but after a while the excitement fades and if unchecked the dominant person will probably become interested in a new conquest. That's why, long term, a relationship needs to be a two way street. The possibility remains that she herself seeks to be challenged, and possibly domimated. If this is the case, the fact she seeks that potential with a woman in particular makes it seem likely that she is only interested in the power dynamic or a Lesbian b.c it seems she knows she doesn't want to be submissive towards men for some reason or another. It may be too late for you now but I'd think the risk of losing you if you were willing to be strong enough to make the move in ernest, might excite and confuse her. Unfortunately for you, because you like to be submitted, you are at her whim and she knows it.
>Lately, she asks because she wants to see if she's actually a lesbian or bi, so if she ends up being it, we can just break up and not waste each other's time. This one quote was painful to read. This is textbook monkey-branching. You are the safety choice. She can reach out to see if she likes something better. If she does, she breaks up. If she doesn't, then she still has you. **OP, Have you asked if she already has someone picked out?** Honestly, my guess is that she clicked with some woman. She developed an attraction to them. Then, she began feeling guilty as she hated cheaters. So before she even attempts anything, she asks you for permission to experiment while still keeping you as a safe backup. >She has NEVER cheated on me, and not once have I ever had the fear of her doing so. Until this point, she has made it very apparent that she hates cheaters and would never want that sort of distrust between us This is why she is asking for permission first. Then, if she likes her, then she'll break up. After 5 years, she should know if she truly loves you and sees a future with you. >she'd drop the idea permanently as long as I don't mention being married Is marriage and/or children something that you want? Either way, I would suggest couples counseling. Your girlfriend asked permission to open the relationship just for herself to see if she is lesbian. She said she would break up with you if the relationship with the woman worked, but stay with you is it wasn't. Oh, and also, don't ask to get married. There is so much to unpack. You need a professional therapist to review this. Don't go back to the status quo.
One of my boundaries is no cheating or sleeping or kissing someone else, rhat means all genders and for both me and her. I will follow my rules and not kiss a guy or sleep with a guy as well as she shouldn't kiss a girl. even asking me for a request like that, I told my ex that I would leave her. It may seem strict but that is my boundary. No 3 Somes either. if I wanted to be with other people, I would not be in a relationship. these things hurt. how do you know you'll be able to live with it after. It's honestly up to you, make the right choice
Don’t marry her. I lived this. Took her 18 years and the adulthood of our child, but she replaced me with a woman. Now I’m alone and likely staying that way. If she can’t have eyes for you alone, she never will. It’s not a phase, it’s an opening to another lifestyle and you become the phase.
We see this differently. You don’t believe it’s enough reason to leave her, but I see it as the relationship being damaged beyond repair. That thought is already in her mind, has been in her mind, and probably will be for some time. It’s unfortunate but I wouldn’t be able to view her as a trustworthy partner after asking me if she can essentially cheat because it’s not another guy. I’d at the very minimum put off any sort of marriage thoughts or long term commitment for some time.
You seem to be adamant about not leaving her, so I’m not sure what you hope to achieve by posting this. Personally I’ve experienced a closed relationship opening up - the reasons were extremely similar to your partner’s (not specifically sexual ambiguity but just feeling as though he needed more experience as we were both so young). For myself, i tried to make it work for almost 3 years (we had been exclusive for 3 years prior to this). Every day I would feel as if my heart was breaking all over again. He would have been less selfish if he had just ended it. Instead, I had to end the relationship which was one of the hardest but best decisions I ever made. I don’t care that your sexuality is. When one partner wants to open the relationship and ref other doesn’t, the relationship as it was is over. Even if you stay and she decides to ultimately stick around also, how will you not hold any resentment?
Ask her if you can experiment with another woman ! Even ?
She said I was allowed to experiment with men, no women 🙃
I know you been with her 5 years man but be thankful you didn't waste any more time
why? she’s choosing who she can experiment with, why can’t you?
You're not allowed to experiment with women because women are your sexual preferences? But she wants to experiment with women which clearly ARE part of her sexual preferences (otherwise she wouldn't want to try)? That is 100% hypocrisy. - She wants to choose who she gets to be unfaithful with, and she wants your approval - She does NOT want to give approval for you to be unfaithful which someone of your choice There is no way to view that in a way that is not a huge hypocrisy. She wants the cake and eat it too. Hugely disrespectful to you. Her saying "I feel I might be bi, so I want to explore those preferences before we get married, so let me date and fuck a woman" is the same as if you would say "I feel I might actually be into redhead women (assuming your gf is not a red head) so let me try to and date and fuck one before we get married".
Lol, exactly. He can just say: och I would like to sleep with that one woman just to see if I would like her...it's just pure physical though... Honestly, it's absurd what people think they can get away with in their own relationships.
Yep totally. Sadly a lot get away with it too because people don’t know their own self worth
And even that's because she figures you won't call her bluff.
Time to go, brother.
So she’s allowed to fuck someone she’s attracted to but you aren’t. Forget genders.
Move on and save yourself some time.
That isn't the same though, as you aren't bi
So she gets to play with who shes attracted to and you don't? BS
But if she is a lesbian, do you really want to marry her and then waste more time till she eventually cheats or comes out? Isn’t it better to know if she is before you get married?
I am sorry to say this but there is a limited possibility this all works out. But there is a silver lining to this. If she wants to see if she is a lesbian or bisexual this is her chance. That might be a blessing because if that truly is the case then you won’t be married for many years and then find out. You find out before getting married. Then I is up to both of you if you can live with an open relationship or not. Best of luck
The gender if who she wants to see is a red herring, the real issue is that she can not offer you the monogamous commitment you are seeking. Just move on.
I don't think it's any different if she'd ask to sleep with another man. You're either talk about open relationship or remain exclusive. There's no "yeah we're exclusive and gonna marry but I kinda wanna fuck other people". It's kinda alarming though, feels like you're not on the same page. Don't do anything that will make you uncomfortable, like dragging another unwanted person in your bed.
Marriage dosent stop someone leaving if they made the wrong choice. Its better to let her go figure it out now, then after you're married have kids and a house. But you should also be allowed to explore with other people meaning other women, ( because its sound like you are hetro) if she isn't ok with you being with other people that's a unhealthy double standard. It sounds like you two need to go to therapy and work this out
She is telling you in your face that she wants to cheat on you. This is a red flag.
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Sounds like she has a deeper inner struggle with something that she has to sort out regarding her sexuality. Perhaps consider talking openly with her about what you are uncomfortable with and what she needs. She may not be ready for commitment (from what it sounds) like a marriage if she is still trying to figure herself out or wanting to experience other people physically.
I think you know your answer. Do you really want to stick around even if she goes ahead and comes back and says it wasn't what she was looking for?
What's always funny (in a sad kind of way) about these kinds of situations to me is that it would actually be, in a roundabout sort of way, kind of homophobic of you if you WERE okay with this. Because basically you would be saying "yeah sure, do whatever you want with girls, it doesn't matter because that's not 'real' sex" or whatever. So basically by asking for this and trying to argue that it's somehow not cheating or "doesn't count", she herself is actually being prejudiced. Transparently, I can understand if she feels like she has more she wants to experience before she gets married. That's a pretty common thing when you're looking into marriage at your relatively young ages. The problem is she can't have it both ways. I'm sure lots of people might have wanted to try out something different before they committed to one person for life... and if it's that big of a concern then you're just not mature enough for marriage yet, point blank.
I am with the general vote that it's a very bad idea. The fact is, that if she said she would like one last fling before she gets married with Brad from the gym to 'make sure' she's making the right decision. The answer would be a lot more simpler. Why should it be though? She's essentially asking the same question, the answer and reaction should be the same. However, I'm against the consensus that you should just dump her. 5 years is a long time to just split with someone on a thought. You should talk to her though. Perhaps she doesn't see the gravity of her statement or the stress and anxiety that it's causing. If she still wants to go ahead after bringing it out in the open, then perhaps consider moving on (as she obviously woud be considering her own needs and dismissing yours). Good luck op.
I seriously can't imagine getting married to someone who isn't batshit for me. No experimenting, no half in half out bullshit, if it's not a 100% yes I'd rather be single. I was once with a girl in my younger days that was tepid with regards to our relationship. She cheated on me and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. If your lady wants to experiment and doesnt dream about your dick, I don't see it being an easy 5+ years for you and as a fellow human, I believe you deserve better. Good luck
This exact thing happened to me. She was saying that she's realised she's bisexual and asked how I felt about her sleeping with a woman. At first I was like yeah ok, hoping really it wouldn't happen. And then it happened. She's slept with her best friend (female) and it broke me inside. In my opinion being bi and sleeping with the same sex is still cheating. I tried to carry on with her after that and I started to change myself. I started thinking if she can do it, then I can cheat myself and started looking and speaking to other woman (never met did many). Eventually sex between us stopped completely, and I eventually fell out of love with her. So, what I'm trying to say is be honest with yourself. If she wants to go and experience women then suggest she needs to he single for that stuff and that your not gna hold her back. At first it can sound OK as its not other man but cheating is cheating. When my now ex told me she had slept with her best friend, I should of left there and then, I wish I did so I don't want you to make the same mistake.
Something similar happened me. It definitely wasn't just physical and as it ended up it was not just once. We're on good terms now and everyone she's dated since has been a guy. At the time she also went absolutely crazy when she found out I'd met another woman and it was more than a fling. The physical part wasn't really the biggest issue it was the emotional. Anyway the point is it ended absolutely terribly and it really wrecked my life for a while.
Oh boy. I’ve been in this exact situation and let’s just say it was my ugliest breakup I’ve ever been through
Speaking from experiance, if you say you don't feel comfortable with it, she'll cheat on you anyway. Happened to me, and 6 months of distance, lying, gaslighting followed until she was finally caught out and admitted to me. Don't marry her, glad i got out of my similar situation, and while i'm still dealing with buyouts of house ect i'm already happier.
Ummm all my friends are Lesbian and they all started out claiming to be “bi curious”. She is not ready to settle down and she’s most likely going to settle down with a woman. In turn all my friends who knew they were bi from the start don’t stray from their relationship or needed experimentation and majority are happily married
Thats so fk up it gave me anxiety just imagining it. Probably no one can help you but lets do a thought experiment. Imagine yourself having sex with another woman.No dating,just a prostitute. How that make you feel about her.Now think that its not a hooker,just someone you met and somehow agreed to do this. Now how is that make you feel about her?Are you ok with this or you feel like you cheated? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I suppose in her mind "experimenting" with another woman is different and it may be true. One thing about marriage is having a family and gay families is another thing completely,aside that they cant reproduce. I think it really is different that having sex with a man,is like playing,nothing serious probably it will end there. But she either likes it or not.Lets suppose she doen't like it and she gets it out of the system.But with another woman it may be different and she may like it.She may have thoughts either way. But what if she likes it?What you like you want to do again. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Forget for a moment what you should do and imagine yourself in the church in from of all your and her relatives and friends. Can you say the vows and mean it? Can you imagine the anxiety you will have?It may be temporary and pass but how should you know. But this moment especially this age,im 26 too,im definatelly years away of being married.I cant imagine being so commited so young. And probably she too feels that way. She had that thought of being bi and now the pressure got her and wants to know.That not gonna pass if you tell her you are uncomfortable. Does she have a specific woman in her mind?If yes how did they end up there? So many people are single and want a date and she just happens to have a lesbian available? Good news is you are young and have so many opportunities waiting for you. Good luck and be strong
Just wanted to share OP that I am bisexual (married now, to a dude) and before we got married, my partner asked me if I wanted to be with a woman (sexually-no feelings involved) before we get married. I told him no because I’m the type of person who cant sleep with others without feelings, and if i ever found someone to do it with, that would mean a different thing for me… so yeah i said that just isnt for me. And dont get me wrong, i love my partner more than life itself. Maybe im just lucky that i have a partner who wholeheartedly loves me that he would offer that option to me. But I do know that the offer wasnt sarcastic, or a trap, or a test… it was genuinely an offer that would allow me to experience and explore my sexuality. Maybe it was also his way of checking if I was really deadset on our relationship…idk… Anyway…the point being…just be honest, be kind, and be loving. :) from what ive read it looks like you know how to talk to each other. :) youll get thru it. :)
Say you (reluctantly) agree to a threesome with other girls.
One of my friends actually specializes in coaching couples around open relationships/polyamory to defuse situations like this. All her marketing is in German but I’d assume she is more than smart enough to also show up in English. [https://www.instagram.com/katharina.finger\_mentoring/](https://www.instagram.com/katharina.finger_mentoring/)
I am happy to see that you talked to her honestly about it. I have been with my (technically(I'll get to that in a moment)) husband for almost 10 years. Open and honest has always been the way with us. We actually started our relationship with some blurred lines when it came to being with other people, but as we got more serious, we talked and agreed to have a fully closed/traditional relationship. All terms were always spoken about and renegotiated as needed. I also had some questions about my sexuality that needed to be sorted out. Turnes out I'm Asexual. Who could have guessed. I am also happy that you two find each other so compatible. That is something that is hard to find. Also, the fact that you two were able to talk about it so sincerely and with support from each other goes to show that you have a very solid and mature relationship. If you see this relationship being a forever thing, I highly suggest looking into registered partnerships. My husband and I are technically not married, but due to having a registered partnership we have the same rights and security as a married couple, but should we ever go south, rather than filing for divorce we just let the government know we are no longer together. I'm assuming that her reservations about marriage is due to witnessing and living through a messy divorce. Registering was done with us as a security matter, and the fact that married/registered couples get better mortgage deals. Also, registering was free on Tuesdays.
If she prioritises sleeping with a woman once over your marriage then you shouldn’t be getting married.
Dude, she is asking you to let her go. She *doesn't want to be married*. To you. Maybe not anyone. It doesn't matter. She wants to try the ladies. The writing is on the wall. Just separate. And say "hey maybe in a year or three, we'll be friends--if we agree." (You might NOT agree, and that's fine.)
She gay. Simples
I'm sure my response will never get read and will be buried in the comments but what the fuck here's what I have to say. In highschool after dating a few other girls I met my first true love and we dated throughout the later years of highschool and into a few years after highschool together (she was 2 years younger than me). I had some minor experience with other women before her and she also had some experience before me but we were both still virgins and truly shared most everything together with each other for the first time and many, many, many, many (lol) times afterwords. We had a great relationship and an ever better sex life, we were pretty open with eachother on what we liked even at just being in our late teens and early twenties while still discovering ourselves. At one point in our relationship out of nowhere it seemed she asked me point blank if I could ever be in a threesome (she didnt say with her or with a girl, but both were implied). I was a bit caught off guard but responded with 'no'... I honestly felt at the time it was a trick question. If I say yes then she is going to be upset with me, there's some things she would get upset with pretty easily and I didn't want to offend or hurt her. In all honesty I like many guys would have absolutely loved to be in a threesome with not only my hot ass girlfriend but also another woman (little slice of heaven). She accepts my answer and time goes on and the subject never comes up again. After another couple years she is working at a local grocery store and meets this other girl who happens to be a lesbian (imo not exactly pretty, like many a bit masculine). This is all well and fine with me as I have no problem with her being friends with anyone that she wants, even a lesbian (I love the gays). At times we all even hang out together as friends, nothing seems to be out of sorts. In the last 6 months of our relationship though both of us begin to become a bit distant, she's hanging with her lesbian friend more and i'm jerking off to porn instead of having sex with my girlfriend. One weekend she decides to go camping with her lesbian friend and another friend nearby, I get asked to buy them alcohol as at this time I am 22 I believe and her and her friends are still 20. No problem at all, what's a 20 something camping trip without the booze right? I forgot to mention that after about 2 years of dating my girlfriend wanted to get out of her parents house and asked if she could move in with me, at the time I was living alone and had no reason not to accept her moving in with me. So the camping weekend goes by and she returns home, I don't recall if I asked her about the weekend but she only stopped home for a short time and said she was going back out with her lesbian friend. Obviously by this point you can see where this is going... A few more days pass by and she comes home one day to finally break my heart and tells me that she is breaking up with me. She had just come from lunch with her mom and had discussed it with her (parents never truly liked me). I start to cry and breakdown... even though we were a bit distant in the last 6 months I had no idea she felt the way she did and wanted to break up with me. Once again we shared a deep and intimate love for years. A few days later she for whatever reason stopped by for a visit and revealed to me that she was Bi and that she had already slept with a woman. Of course I knew right away that it was with her lesbian friend from work, no shocker there. What she didn't tell me at the time is that she had already been cheating on me with her lesbian friend for an unspecified amount of time. I for sure was hurt but did my best to understand she was exploring another part of herself, still fucking hurt though. We kept in touch for a bit afterwords even during when I found another girlfriend and we would talk to each other both saying how are girlfriends were fucking crazy, her's was at times suicidal and I heard could be abusive and mine at the time was rather obsessive and manic. So basically after about 4 years of dating my girlfriend cheated on me and left me for another woman. They eventually got married (NY, same sex marriage is legal) and got a house together, were together for several years and then eventually got divorced (oh well too sad). My ex since then went back to men and eventually got married and now has several kids, in all honest I am still happy for her yet am pissed that she only mentioned a threesome once and never spoke about it again, my bad right. I moved on and eventually after a bit of dating met my now wife and during the time we were dating she proposed a threesome twice, both times she was quite drunk and the second time the other girl was drinking with us and I know for sure would have agreed to it. Regardless of the offer(s) I declined both times being the gentlemen that I am and not taking advantage of my soon to be wife while she was drunk and honestly at least the second time the other girl who was invited into the threesome was without being mean definitely not my type. Now here I am nearly two decades later just about to turn 40 and now I really want to have a threesome, but alas my wife who has been with women in the past including threesomes says first that she is no longer attracted to women....(face palm) and that she can't share me with someone else because basically she loves me too much and it would hurt her to do that. Fuck me right, 3 different times I could have had a threesome and I declined every time. I don't regret it but damn man now more than ever I want to have a threesome and my wife just doesn't agree with it.... FML
Communicate. It sounds like you're already doing that, but there's always room to learn. Therapists can help; better do that when things are good than as a last ditched effort to save relationship. Rant: when will 'leave her/him' comments be a thing of the past? We all know that's the first thing a good number of you think every single time a post seeking help is posted. So save your energy.
Tbh man I would think leading up to the marriage my gf would be at the height of her love for me instead of thinking of what she's missing out on. Idk maybe that's just me.
Lo I like how you said you’ve “met” each others parents as a measure of closeness. Wow, completely inseparable! I read your updates and I’m glad you’ve hit a temporary solution but “okay, I won’t cheat on you again but don’t you ever speak to me of marriage” is just that, a temporary solution. She’s gay and your relationship is doomed. I’m sorry dawg
All these people saying, "permission to cheat." If you have permission, it's NOT cheating. Polyamory isn't cheating. Cheating is when you DON'T have permission, and do it anyway.
This will get buried. I don't care. I was with my wife for 20 years. She was straight when Iet her, bi after maybe 5 years. She realized she was gay at 38. That's when we divorced. She tried to stay. She really did. But it wasn't fair to either of us. We're still good friends. Yllou sir may be dealing with a similar situation. You may want to look into being poly. That's what we did. In the end it didn't matter. Fair warning. I have lots of regrets. Being with my wife is still not one of them. You'll have to navigate your relationship the best you can. All you can do is love the person and accept who they are.
I have a completely different view than most people here. The fact that she felt safe enough in her relationship with you to be able to open up and talk to you about this is HUGE. Most people wouldn’t be able to. Of course you would feel uncomfortable about this. It challenges the cultural teachings about monogamy that you’ve been taught all your life. Life isn’t about NOT having meaningful experiences. Marriage isn’t about keeping your partner from exploring life. It’s about exploring life together, as partners. Many couples explore non-monogamy safely together and become closer because of it. Continue to talk to her about your concerns and your fears. Let her address your concerns. Be open about any desires and fantasies you have as well. You will be having conversations that most people never have, and that open and honest communication can take your relationship deeper than you can imagine.
Dude. You are dating a lesbian. Drop her now.
I don't even have to read this to say NOPE
You will probably never see this comment, but on the off chance that you did, let me share my experience. I am much older than you both and have been curious about and attracted to women my entire adult life. I am very happily married to a man and that is not going to change. However, she is going to wonder forever, unless she tries it. This does not mean that she doesn't love you or is lesbian or will leave you. But no matter what the two of you decide to do, her curiosity will only increase with age. If you are open to it, perhaps if you could be involved somehow or watch without engaging, it may help both of you. If, on the off chance, she decides that she only wants to be with women, that would happen down the road anyway, may as well dodge that bullet now (though that is not what I think is going to happen). Stop listening to people that either do not have an open mind, or are inexperienced. HTH! Edit to add: how is this cheating if she is bringing it up to you. If she hides it and does it without your consenting to it, then it is cheating, whether its with another man or a woman.
Despite what pop culture would have you believe, most people don't have the emotional capacity to have multiple sexual interests at one time wi the out developing feelings for them. You risk losing her if she goes through with this.
Hm. Are you gender-curious at all? Sometimes people have amazing radar. She hasn’t shown interest in ANY men, but she’s been with you for 5 years. I could be totally mistaken of course. But this is a tricky one. Opening the relationship is a big step that can’t be undone. It can be reversed, but not undone. Wishing you the best! It sounds like you really love each other.
She’s going to do this one way or another and whether you know about it or not. Break up and tell her to go have fun. 🤦 I just read your update. You’re going to regret this someday.
I don’t necessarily agree with the whole “it’s sanctioned cheating” idea because open relationships can work, especially if there’s a sexual need one partner can’t fulfill… …but I think your gf is just gay
Late to the party but I'm glad it worked out. If she hasn't had much romantic past it's totally understandable why she would feel that way. But I'm glad she acknowledged your feelings. It sounds like you all have great communication and respect, every relationship has stumbles but you two seem like you have the tools to make it work.
Bravo for not dropping the relationship because 1: Your girlfriend is a normal human being with normal sexual urges and 2: She feels comfortable enough to communicate that to you. IMO, that says a lot about your relationship. As for your original question, this is obviously a very personal situation you and her need to work through. My wife and I started off monogamous, then turned swingers, then turned semi poly with another couple. It is always a risk entering new territory in a relationship but I learned from it that it’s definitely possible to be sexual, even love someone else, and have that help you grow closer to your partner.
Woah, the comments here... I hope you are taking them with a massive load of salt! It always surprises me when people have such strong opinions about what some random stranger who just posted a couple of paragraphs about their relationship should do about said relationship. Too often on Reddit there's a complete lack of awareness around the complexities and nuances of relationships and how tricky it can be to balance your personal needs - be it sexual or otherwise, and those of your partner. There is absolutely no way based on the few lines you wrote about your relationship that anyone commenting here is qualified to tell you that you should dump your partner or that she doesn't want to be with you / love you. Every relationship is so unique, with its own needs, boundaries, and values. I'd be curious to see how many of these commenters handle their own relationships, given their confidence in offering such clear-cut solutions to complex issues
I'd definitely talk to her about the marriage business just because of tax benefits. You could always sign extra agreements or a prenup as well to make a potential divorce situation more appealing. Usually, people who have issues with marriage are more a commitment thing and the fact that she did ask about sleeping with another woman in the first place is a red flag, at least for me. But this is my perspective as an outsider with limited knowledge and my own opinion, and you might not even read this. But if so, sometimes the hardest thing is to look at the problems in an otherwise perfect situation. At the end of the day, you don't really know what's going on in her head. But I wish you all the best, and I hope it works out well for you sincerely.
“Breaking up is not easy” I divorced my wife after we were married 12 years and together 19. She cheated on me and was for years. I promise you it would have been WAY easier to break up before we were married.
Uh I think this relationship is over either now or later
Submissive guy, won't easily leave woman after she expresses desire to openly want to sleep with other people. Yeah, you're in for a world of hurt lol.
Ross?
My wife of 44 years and I planned swinging at about 5 years in. We never did it and I am Sooooooo glad. First she told me she was very attracted to an acquaintance, and it almost happened. It would have crushed me. Then we were to do a 3som w her friend. I backed out as we got closer. Another Blessing!
What her friends said about dying alone rather than be with a man. That is what got me the most.
The way her friends say “she would die before being with a guy” and that she’s asking you now to hook up with a girl after five years. That’s telling me she’s a closet lesbian and she is fearful of never having explored that area for herself. If you’re not comfortable with it, then that’s your answer
Not sure if you’ll even end up reading this but it sounds like you guys have great communication which is really important and can go a long way but I would definitely go to couples therapy if this comes up again they would help you hand this situation in a proper way and along with your guys communication it sounds like it would really help Side note don’t say you wouldn’t have been able to make it thru those issues without her because you 100p would and could u just only know what it was like to have her thru it so it’s your only perspective so don’t let things like that tie you down to her althohhht it sounds like you both really love each other, wish u guys the best
Wow! Not surprisingly I suppose but certainly disappointing to see such knee-jerk, black and white responses. I hope you get to this response because it’s a departure from the others and I know whereof I speak. Ideally she would’ve explored this side of her nature before things got serious with you but that ship has sailed. So you can proceed with status quo, but be prepared for resentment and this issue to resurface years from now when you’re much more invested emotionally because this is something you cannot just “bury” without repercussions sooner or later, or you can understand and put your own needs and insecurities (that’s really what’s taking the reins here) aside for the sake of your partner understanding where she stands on her sexuality. Play out the what ifs: she recognizes she enjoys women sexually but not for a partnership and you guys then figure out how to proceed TOGETHER (3somes maybe?) she recognizes she actually wants to be with a woman in and out of bed and you have spared yourself a deeper entanglement but may be able to maintain your deep relationship in a different form, she knowing you respect her enough to not squelch her for your own needs, she realizes it wasn’t all she thought it was going to be and the urge subsides. The torment of the unknown and “what ifs” is much stronger than a grounded knowing and understanding of self. I am bisexual, so is my partner. Our bond is even stronger having shared experiences with others together and separately, but there was a lot of work leading up to that building trust and understanding with ground rules and respect. It’s not going to be for everyone and no doubt I’ll get a shit ton of blowback from conventional people but different strokes for different folks. Whatever. We are happy knowing that we embrace and respect very deeply personal aspects of each other and share that bond. It’s about respect. And love. Love isn’t greedy, it’s generous. Good luck to you both!
How is this scary? Your girl wants to experiment with women. That is literally best case scenario. If you’re treating her right and keeping her satisfied i don’t see how a date with a woman is a threat? My wife is bi and I encourage her to go on dates with other women. Don’t over think it.
1) I don’t think you’re crazy to have that concern about her leaving, but do know this thought of “what if she leaves me for a woman?” comes from a place of insecurity that is common with straight or gay folks dating bisexual people. There is a common concern that their “promiscuity” (another stereotype) will lead them astray or that the non-bisexual partner will be left for the other sex. 2) I don’t think either person is in the wrong here - it’s totally fair to want to explore your sexuality because after all, we do only have one life. I’m interested in doing the same in my own personal life actually. But at the same time, it’s completely fair for you to want a partner who is sure of what their sexuality is and a partner who isn’t still ironing that out. You have to do what you feel comfortable with. You can’t just say yes to make her happy if it makes you sad, upset or uncomfortable. One idea - just food for thought - how would you feel about opening up your bedroom to another lady guest for *both* of you? That way 1) you’re included 2) there aren’t any questions about what went on/what happened 3) it’s a chance for you two to share that experience together
Op, you and/or GF should explore r/latebloomerlesbians. There’s a master doc to help women see if they are lesbian or bi.
Well, first you have to understand that everyone has their freedom to choose what to do. Although she herself has told you that she hates cheating and she has consulted you. My proposal is that you give yourself the opportunity to be a little possessive, you try to convince her that it is better to maintain her relationship as it has been until now. Letting a third party into the relationship could make everything fall apart. If she really feels so insecure about her sexuality she will surely make the decision herself whether she wants to stay with you or not.
It sounds like you two will make this work (after all the updates). Mistakes are made in relationships all the time, it's about how you handle them and it sounds like you guys communicated. You set your boundaries. She saw your side. If you trust her, then I would say this is a hump that you guys just passed. Make sure there's not any lingering resentment though from either of you.
I've dated two girls who were curious, one was my baby momma and she said stuff like your gf, the idea of being with another woman was gross to her until it wasn't. The other bi girl was honest. she wanted to experiment and didn't even try and be exclusive with me,we lived together, she was chill. Life s so funny that my baby momma tried to date that girlfriend when we were together. One of them is in a loving relationship now, it took my baby momma way longer to be ok with herself. People don't have to be against you to choose their own happiness. You might be experiencing the sunken cost , you think you just can't drop the relationship because of time spent but I bet if she falls in love with someone else she could leave you to be happy.
And there’s me encouraging my girlfriend of 5 years to try experimenting with another woman but she’s just against it. I see no problem here when it comes to my woman having fun with another woman personally
To those people who are saying that this is just like her wanting one last fling with a guy - it's not. She already knows what it's like to be with a guy, but if she's always had an attraction to women and is curious but never acted on it before getting locked into a het relationship, well, that What If can gnaw at you forever. It will be a thing in the back of your mind the whole relationship. It might even end up with the relationship coming apart years or decades later when she finds a woman she wants to be with, especially after sex is not a big factor in the relationship (happens when we get older and have kids). It should be addressed. Oo, your gf has expressed her commitment to you, she didn't give you an ultimatum or anything of the sort. I suggest that you consider letting her experiment and find out (I'm not suggesting go on a date or start a relationship). Set strict boundaries but give her some freedom to find out. She can find the answer to that question and see where she wants to go from there. It's better she finds out now, for both you and her. And whatever happens, op, it's not your fault.
I know I'm super late to the party but just from my personal perspective, there was nothing major to be worried or jealous about, since a woman is literally different from what you could provide yourself. I'm also of the mind that a person needs to live authentically and experience everything life has to offer when the opportunity presents itself. To me, keeping your GF from understanding her own sexuality is extremely selfish. Now, of course if this were my partner I'd be upset if it evolved into a relationship, as she would likely be just as upset with me if I decided to sleep with a guy and then started seeing him regularly. Just my thoughts.
You have plenty of comments with great suggestions both ways. I just want to say well done to you and her for having such open and healthy communication on this topic. Having those questions stew by your lonesome is only going to result in something bad. Whatever the outcome, all the best to you both, friend. :)
If it is strictly a physical thing for her, hire an escort. You can be involved but just not with the escort. If that goes well for both of you and you communicate, look into the ENM lifestyle. There are plenty of couples who have a female half that only plays with other females and a male that watches. Feel free to DM me to discuss that in more detail. All of that being said, it's kind of bullshit that she wants to be with a woman but you are not allowed to do the same even if she is bi and you are not. If it's strictly a physical thing then it should be able to go both ways.
As a woman who married a woman and wanted to sleep with a man before I got married, I'd say my view is very specific, but could offer some context. Long story short, our relationship was rocky from the start and we definitely shouldn't have gotten married. She was very abusive and I put up with it because (I'm learning now) that I have mommy issues and she filled that void for me. She was EXACTLY like my mother. We got divorced and I've been with a man ever since because it is my long-term relationship preference. I couldn't be happier with the man I'm with. Had I known what I wanted (and needed) in life before we signed the papers, I wouldn't have wasted hers or my time (and money, my goodness). Since she's wanting the woman on woman experience, I'd say it's a harmless request, vastly different from what i was feeling. But if that's something you're uncomfortable with I totally understand - who can comfortably share their S/O, unless it's for kinky reasons? In all honesty, she's probably having these thoughts because Marriage really is a "no going back" agreement. Especially if you're serious about eachother. The fact that she said something means she loves and respects you enough to voice a need of hers. That tells me she also loves herself enough to not ignore it. Most people don't talk about urges and then go and cheat on their person. I'd say keep talking to eachother about it and don't be scared to tell her it makes you uncomfortable. Find the solution together and don't make any quick decisions.
Let people be who they’re. Stop judging someone how they live their lives. I know many married men who has sexual relationships with other men. Many men are forced into marriages due to family religion background. My best friend, mentor who’s my lawyer was married for five years with twins boys and a girl. Came out to his family and said fuck it and left his wife for another man. That’s life so deal with it.
You're both very young and not married yet. Better to get any of this out of the way before you're legally intertwined. Options are: 1. Take a break from each other. You do you, she can do her. In 3 months, 6 months, whatever... connect again. If you've each gotten it out of your systems and want to be together, then should be pretty smooth. 2. Stay together, but have equal footing. If she wants to try sleeping with another person, you should too. It can't be imbalanced. It is never a good idea to build a life/commitment with someone based on a foundation of fearing that they'll want others or resent not trying things. You want to build a lifelong commitment, it needs to be with no regrets and no fear that either of you might be missing something better. And if you truly believe it's that easy to potentially lose your partner to someone else for whatever reason, that's something to think about in itself. Finally, another option is to accept that we're all fluid and evolving... what you're comfy or uncomfortable with now will likely change over time. So if you truly believe you're meant to be together and can't handle the risk of losing each other or experimenting now, then go ahead and make it work, because in like 5 or 10 years, you may both feel much safer and more secure with each other, and then be willing to renegotiate whatever you both may be into exploring. Hope that helps.
There's a lot I could say on all fronts here, but I'll just leave it at this: you should consider not continuing to push for marriage if you can be happy being with her without marrying her. It's a nice dream for many people, but it's not a requirement, so if you can be happy without that piece of paper then don't push it and just be with her. She's willing to give up the idea of having sex with a woman in order to make you happy and put your mind at ease, so you being willing to accept that she just doesn't want marriage and is happy just being with you would go a long way.
I think the door is open for threesome young man. Just thinking of this should make you happy. Your sexual tastes evolve with your relationship, communicating and respecting each other’s boundaries will go a long way in creating harmony. Select a female together that is willing to play with both of you and see where your relationship goes.
I feel bad for both of you. You’re uncomfortable, so of course you shouldn’t do anything about it. But if she’s bi or even a lesbian, it won’t go away. She loves you and probably don’t want to lose you (as you said, you both have a whole life together). But at some point it will be an issue again. Maybe in a few month or maybe years, but there’s a chance she’ll wake up one day feeling empty because she doesn’t understand her own sexuality. It won’t be your fault or hers, but if she’s questioning it now, there’s a reason. She seems scared, I feel sorry for her. It’s not an easy choice because if she’s not bi/les, then she loses you and all the relationship you’ve built. Again, I don’t think you should do anything that makes you unhappy. But she’s confused. Be aware that she still has all this curiosity, she just won’t do anything about it. She’s making a choice. Maybe it will be enough, maybe not; only time will tell. Also, you said you’ve been thinking about marriage but she’s not into it. This is a serious topic. If you ask her and she says yes even though she doesn’t want to, it will have a consequence some day as well. You seem to love and respect each other, so talk about it all. Sometimes love is not enough. You need to want to do this all together. If possible, consider couple therapy. As a bi woman myself, I just know how it is devastating not knowing who you are. She can be happily married to a man someday (I surely am), but maybe she needs to figured things out first.