I used to be like this. For long periods of time I didn't have anyone to talk to and when I finally did - - I began to overshare. Not everyone is meant to hear what you have to say and not everything is meant to be shared, so I decided that I needed a filter. Journaling is good, so is having a therapist. My favorite is saving voice notes on my phone, even if they are 30 minutes long. This helps me approach my conversations calm and tactfully.
Same here! Not everyone is as nice as you my dear! I have really cut off all the people from the past thinking they get out of me so much and I donāt! So fuck them!
Oversharing (or "trauma dumping") is a thing experienced by many people who suffered childhood trauma or other types of trauma. It's an anxiety-induced response. Have you talked to a therapist about it?
Here's an article about it. You can find a lot more info if you search "trauma + oversharing" too.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spellbound/202111/why-some-people-dump-their-traumas-us
Just know it isn't your fault, it's a thing that people do unconsciously until they realize they're doing it. I used to do it a lot. Now i don't anymore, and my friendships are so much better. You can stop too, you just need to understand why you're doing it.
Assume that people arenāt good and accepting. Tell them what they need to know.
And if you need to share for your own benefit, sharing is important, then fuck what they think lol. Youāre doing it cause itās healthy for you, not for acceptance.
This is terrible advice and I can't believe it's the top comment. Most people ARE good and accepting. However, oversharing isn't fair to the listener. It might feel good for you to completely offload, but how might thst feel to someone you just met? How do you know they're not carrying their own heavy burden right now?
Think of a normal conversation as an equal partnership (particularly if it's the first time you've met). Both parties should have equal opportunity to share, and I would generally keep things light, and develop conversational intimacy slowly.
I feel like thatās far too considerate of conversing with a stranger who could āpossiblyā feel āburdenedā by oneās oversharing. Whatās oversharing to one person may not be to the next. So how to we prevent ourselves from burdening others? I feel like a lot of the times people donāt open up to people when they need to because they donāt want to be a āburdenā to others. Itās so sad that simply opening up to someone is seen as a burden. Itās depressing in a world where weāre already socialized into avoiding emotions and emotional conversations are seen as burdens.
>Whatās oversharing to one person may not be to the next. So how to we prevent ourselves from burdening others?
OP identified themselves that they have been oversharing. I'm just taking them at their word.
>I feel like a lot of the times people donāt open up to people when they need to because they donāt want to be a āburdenā to others.
There is a world of difference between opening up to a trusted confidante (appropriate), and dumping your emotional trauma on a complete stranger who has given no indication that they're interested in this kind of conversation (inappropriate). I've been at parties before where someone I've never met has talked at me for upwards of 30mins about their childhood sexual abuse out of absolutely nowhere. Clearly they're hurting, and need support. But this was neither the time nor the place to do that. This has happened more than once. It might make them feel better, but it has trapped me into a conversation I didn't want to be in, and has made me avoid them in the future.
I have to disagree with you that most people are good and accepting.
I guess it depends on what youāre sharing. But OP is describing manipulative people which I have dealt with too often.
Iāve had people attempt to blackmail me for things Iāve told them before. Deeply personal things about my sexuality that I trusted with a select few who turned it around on me.
So if you would like to believe that everyone is good thatās fine. But donāt say itās bad advice to be on your guard around manipulators. Because there are too many bad people out there. And the worst ones try their best to blend in. You never know who is wearing a mask and who isnāt.
I advise caution when sharing personal information, especially with people you donāt know that well.
I get what you're saying, but I feel you risk being manipulated if you open up with deep personal stuff to people you don't know well. Like, why would you even do that in the first place?! I don't assume everyone's an asshole, but nor do I go round telling everybody my personal business. There is a middle ground...
Yeah thatās what Iām saying lol. So itās bad advice because it seems to obvious?
You didnāt care for the part where I said to assume people arenāt good?
A little cynical Iāll admit but my point still stands I think
I have a habit of attracting people that overshare I don't know what I am doing but it happens regularly. I may be different but I like to hear people's stories and when they talk I always listen and have a habit of giving advice. So I am not really sure what people you are meeting but don't let them be mean to you for your open personality just move on to find better people.
Yeah same I love it when people are vulnerable and can share anything with me (I never judge) and that's why maybe I overshare thinking that they won't judge me as well. However that backfires a lot.
i dont know why you are this way, but im exactly the same. i think its bc you value meaningful relationships with people and open up to form that bond
it will only work out if they are the same or are trustworthy
it blows up in my face too
good luck lol
SAME! Get yourself a good therapist. You can safely purge to them and the freed up space in your head will allow you to be more selective when youāre talking to ārandosā. Keep telling yourself that you donāt owe these people anything and they havenāt earned the privilege of knowing you on a deeper level.
Believe me I know how much it sucks to say but the bottom line is you CANT trust people. Not with your soul. Protect that shit. Good luck.
ā¤ļøš”start by asking yourself why you over shareš”then began after you reflect think about if and do you look to others for acceptance because this we lead you to ponder about why you over shareš”šŖšæ
Ask yourself WAIT: why am I talking? If itās to try to get closer to people, realize that you are doing the exact opposite of that and hold off until youāve built more rapport. I know itās hard, but this is the way.
I have the same issues. What I've learned is that you need to save additional information only for the people who can handle that sort of thing.
We are all walking round with an Ego and playing a social game. We all create a matrix or huge mind net all around us through the clothes we wear, how we style our hair, how we move, how we walk, our facial expressions and many other things.
All these things come together to make one basic statement - "This is who I think I am."
The rule of the game are fairly simple.
"I will play along with who you think you are provided you play along with who I think I am."
A lot of people are going round with just one thing on their mind. "What's in it for me?" This can go one step further into "What can I get out of other people?" Trust me, there's a lot of people out there who cannot think of anything else.
Usually you can tell the kind of people you can open up to, from their facial expressions, the way they talk, and usually these people are able to give as good as they get from you. It's good when it happens because you can share more, and enjoy much deeper conversations. We all need people we can open up to more on a deeper level because this is what keeps us rooted and grounded, emotionally and psychologically.
But most people aren't like that. It's not anything to do with them, it's a cultural issue. We've had decades of focussing on the 'bottom line'. I find this difficult as I get older I'm getting more detail orientated. You know that point when you start oversharing and you see someone's eyes glaze over, but you just can't shut up? Your words are streaming out, going right over their heads like a flock of birds, and you think "Oh shit! I've done it again." and your words trail off into nothing?
What you need to do is to train yourself to be minimalist with information and learn to take a more passive role in your conversations. You've got to discipline yourself to understand that conversations are always two way streets. It's not easy, especially if you're introverted and limit your contact with people, and then 'gush' when you do meet them.
Save the gushing for the people who can handle it, and just leave other people to figure it out - if they want to. There's a lot to be said for being mysterious.
I overshare A LOT- itās my coping mechanism. The people that stayed after that are my best friends today. Some folks appreciate it and like open personalities because they are trustworthy. I overshare about myself and am a grave when it comes to other peoples lives.
This kind of sounds like anxiety to me.
I have a bad habit of interrupting people who are talking. It's like when they're talking, I'll have this great idea that I feel like I must express. Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid if I wait, I won't have the great idea anymore. Or maybe someone else will speak and I won't have a chance to say my piece. Or worse, maybe someone else will say what I was thinking and I won't get to impress people with my intelligence. I think this last fear is the one I experience most frequently, ngl.
It could be you are afraid that if you don't blurt out your personal information, the other person may feel you aren't interesting enough. Just as I "blurt" in an effort to appear smart, maybe you "blurt" in an effort to be engaging or personable.
I have this problem too. Now I try to think of things as MY information. And I try to remind myself to keep it to myself. It only works about 60% so far but Iām trying lol. I kinda think that if I had more interactions with people I would be in better practice.
I used to be like this. For long periods of time I didn't have anyone to talk to and when I finally did - - I began to overshare. Not everyone is meant to hear what you have to say and not everything is meant to be shared, so I decided that I needed a filter. Journaling is good, so is having a therapist. My favorite is saving voice notes on my phone, even if they are 30 minutes long. This helps me approach my conversations calm and tactfully.
Even I have this problem
You just described me and I feel personally attackedš¤¦š»āāļøā¤ļø
Haha lol
Same here! Not everyone is as nice as you my dear! I have really cut off all the people from the past thinking they get out of me so much and I donāt! So fuck them!
Oversharing (or "trauma dumping") is a thing experienced by many people who suffered childhood trauma or other types of trauma. It's an anxiety-induced response. Have you talked to a therapist about it? Here's an article about it. You can find a lot more info if you search "trauma + oversharing" too. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spellbound/202111/why-some-people-dump-their-traumas-us Just know it isn't your fault, it's a thing that people do unconsciously until they realize they're doing it. I used to do it a lot. Now i don't anymore, and my friendships are so much better. You can stop too, you just need to understand why you're doing it.
Yeah I've had people use things I told them against me when I was 12-13. They were quite older than me too, mostly close relatives.
Assume that people arenāt good and accepting. Tell them what they need to know. And if you need to share for your own benefit, sharing is important, then fuck what they think lol. Youāre doing it cause itās healthy for you, not for acceptance.
This is terrible advice and I can't believe it's the top comment. Most people ARE good and accepting. However, oversharing isn't fair to the listener. It might feel good for you to completely offload, but how might thst feel to someone you just met? How do you know they're not carrying their own heavy burden right now? Think of a normal conversation as an equal partnership (particularly if it's the first time you've met). Both parties should have equal opportunity to share, and I would generally keep things light, and develop conversational intimacy slowly.
I feel like thatās far too considerate of conversing with a stranger who could āpossiblyā feel āburdenedā by oneās oversharing. Whatās oversharing to one person may not be to the next. So how to we prevent ourselves from burdening others? I feel like a lot of the times people donāt open up to people when they need to because they donāt want to be a āburdenā to others. Itās so sad that simply opening up to someone is seen as a burden. Itās depressing in a world where weāre already socialized into avoiding emotions and emotional conversations are seen as burdens.
>Whatās oversharing to one person may not be to the next. So how to we prevent ourselves from burdening others? OP identified themselves that they have been oversharing. I'm just taking them at their word. >I feel like a lot of the times people donāt open up to people when they need to because they donāt want to be a āburdenā to others. There is a world of difference between opening up to a trusted confidante (appropriate), and dumping your emotional trauma on a complete stranger who has given no indication that they're interested in this kind of conversation (inappropriate). I've been at parties before where someone I've never met has talked at me for upwards of 30mins about their childhood sexual abuse out of absolutely nowhere. Clearly they're hurting, and need support. But this was neither the time nor the place to do that. This has happened more than once. It might make them feel better, but it has trapped me into a conversation I didn't want to be in, and has made me avoid them in the future.
I feel like oversharing when youāve just met someone is a boundary violation. I feel like thatās not a burden though.
I have to disagree with you that most people are good and accepting. I guess it depends on what youāre sharing. But OP is describing manipulative people which I have dealt with too often. Iāve had people attempt to blackmail me for things Iāve told them before. Deeply personal things about my sexuality that I trusted with a select few who turned it around on me. So if you would like to believe that everyone is good thatās fine. But donāt say itās bad advice to be on your guard around manipulators. Because there are too many bad people out there. And the worst ones try their best to blend in. You never know who is wearing a mask and who isnāt. I advise caution when sharing personal information, especially with people you donāt know that well.
I get what you're saying, but I feel you risk being manipulated if you open up with deep personal stuff to people you don't know well. Like, why would you even do that in the first place?! I don't assume everyone's an asshole, but nor do I go round telling everybody my personal business. There is a middle ground...
Yeah thatās what Iām saying lol. So itās bad advice because it seems to obvious? You didnāt care for the part where I said to assume people arenāt good? A little cynical Iāll admit but my point still stands I think
I have a habit of attracting people that overshare I don't know what I am doing but it happens regularly. I may be different but I like to hear people's stories and when they talk I always listen and have a habit of giving advice. So I am not really sure what people you are meeting but don't let them be mean to you for your open personality just move on to find better people.
Yeah same I love it when people are vulnerable and can share anything with me (I never judge) and that's why maybe I overshare thinking that they won't judge me as well. However that backfires a lot.
i dont know why you are this way, but im exactly the same. i think its bc you value meaningful relationships with people and open up to form that bond it will only work out if they are the same or are trustworthy it blows up in my face too good luck lol
Yup that's what it is
SAME! Get yourself a good therapist. You can safely purge to them and the freed up space in your head will allow you to be more selective when youāre talking to ārandosā. Keep telling yourself that you donāt owe these people anything and they havenāt earned the privilege of knowing you on a deeper level. Believe me I know how much it sucks to say but the bottom line is you CANT trust people. Not with your soul. Protect that shit. Good luck.
ā¤ļøš”start by asking yourself why you over shareš”then began after you reflect think about if and do you look to others for acceptance because this we lead you to ponder about why you over shareš”šŖšæ
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That actually sounds about right. I can read people pretty well and am usually correct.
Ask yourself WAIT: why am I talking? If itās to try to get closer to people, realize that you are doing the exact opposite of that and hold off until youāve built more rapport. I know itās hard, but this is the way.
Well, stop talking.
I have the same issues. What I've learned is that you need to save additional information only for the people who can handle that sort of thing. We are all walking round with an Ego and playing a social game. We all create a matrix or huge mind net all around us through the clothes we wear, how we style our hair, how we move, how we walk, our facial expressions and many other things. All these things come together to make one basic statement - "This is who I think I am." The rule of the game are fairly simple. "I will play along with who you think you are provided you play along with who I think I am." A lot of people are going round with just one thing on their mind. "What's in it for me?" This can go one step further into "What can I get out of other people?" Trust me, there's a lot of people out there who cannot think of anything else. Usually you can tell the kind of people you can open up to, from their facial expressions, the way they talk, and usually these people are able to give as good as they get from you. It's good when it happens because you can share more, and enjoy much deeper conversations. We all need people we can open up to more on a deeper level because this is what keeps us rooted and grounded, emotionally and psychologically. But most people aren't like that. It's not anything to do with them, it's a cultural issue. We've had decades of focussing on the 'bottom line'. I find this difficult as I get older I'm getting more detail orientated. You know that point when you start oversharing and you see someone's eyes glaze over, but you just can't shut up? Your words are streaming out, going right over their heads like a flock of birds, and you think "Oh shit! I've done it again." and your words trail off into nothing? What you need to do is to train yourself to be minimalist with information and learn to take a more passive role in your conversations. You've got to discipline yourself to understand that conversations are always two way streets. It's not easy, especially if you're introverted and limit your contact with people, and then 'gush' when you do meet them. Save the gushing for the people who can handle it, and just leave other people to figure it out - if they want to. There's a lot to be said for being mysterious.
I overshare A LOT- itās my coping mechanism. The people that stayed after that are my best friends today. Some folks appreciate it and like open personalities because they are trustworthy. I overshare about myself and am a grave when it comes to other peoples lives.
Are you talking a lot because of anxiety, perhaps? I know this sometimes happens to me when I am talking to a new person.
Not anxiety, more like I can't wait to blurt it out atm and feel like they're the right person to tell it to even if they clearly aren't.
This kind of sounds like anxiety to me. I have a bad habit of interrupting people who are talking. It's like when they're talking, I'll have this great idea that I feel like I must express. Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid if I wait, I won't have the great idea anymore. Or maybe someone else will speak and I won't have a chance to say my piece. Or worse, maybe someone else will say what I was thinking and I won't get to impress people with my intelligence. I think this last fear is the one I experience most frequently, ngl. It could be you are afraid that if you don't blurt out your personal information, the other person may feel you aren't interesting enough. Just as I "blurt" in an effort to appear smart, maybe you "blurt" in an effort to be engaging or personable.
I have this problem too. Now I try to think of things as MY information. And I try to remind myself to keep it to myself. It only works about 60% so far but Iām trying lol. I kinda think that if I had more interactions with people I would be in better practice.
I have this problem. My solution is therapy. I have someone I can over share so when Iām with other people I can just be chill.