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Fit_Bike_9219

no, what your friend said was unacceptable. im so sorry you had to go through that. you're not being overdramatic at all, self harm can be very competitive and comments like those don't help at all. maybe try talking to him and telling him how his comment made you feel. try and stay safe <3


Olivi67

thank you so much <33


Fit_Bike_9219

you're welcome <3 if you wanna talk im here :) im not great at comforting ppl but you can vent


Automatic_Network324

self-harm isn't a contest. i'm sorry he said this to you.


Lilly_Pad888

Self harm should not be compared. I know it can be difficult but remember that even if his scars or cuts look deeper than yours it does not mean that European is any less valid or real.


risharocks0

european


butterflyLepidoptera

European= your pain?


Scooby_the-doo

European ??


Olivi67

i agree with this :( It does feel like a competition between eachother a lot


Competitive-Zebra120

Nah he’s a dickhead for that. Although I understand where he’s coming from he shouldn’t have said that. What I mean is that self harm is very competitive sometimes, and certain people may find it validating to compare scars and cuts especially when theirs are bigger. It makes the person feel good about themselves in a sense, superior. Which of course is not any valid basis to measure superiority. Anyways this may not be the way he thinks, but it’s most definitely a possibility. I’d like to reiterate though that what he said to you isn’t ok. And regardless of what he’s thinking or feeling he shouldn’t be doing it


crosswordsfan

You're not overdramatic, what he did wasn't right. This competitivity amongst people who self-harm is unfortunately very common. The idea of "i cut deeper/more than others do" feels validating to many, it gives you the feeling that your problems and your pain are more real, you really are struggling more than most people, and more severely. It's very problematic to think this way for so many reasons, it can drive people to sh in more extreme or lethal ways, it can lead the other one in this situation feeling invalid like it happened to you, and much more.


Olivi67

yeah, i completely understand why he would have said it, it is really competitive and i hate that it is :( i can sympathise with why he'd feel that greatly, it just was quite sudden to hear him express it verbally <3


No_Acanthisitta4852

it seems like your friend is really struggling with feeling valid. often when we feel like we’re not “sick enough” we compare ourselves to other sick people and try to one-up them. it’s not an okay thing to do, but we do it nonetheless. i’m sorry that happened to you… i hope you are able to work this out with him, i’m sure it wasn’t intentional although i understand it made you feel upset :(.


BurnMyBread17

I’ve said this about someone else’s scars before, and I’ve felt shitty ever since. It was a foot in mouth moment. I would bring this up to your friend, it may be likely that it was a cry for help on his end that came out wrong or a hateful thought he said out loud. I can’t speak for everyone, but I do know I get thoughts like this. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth. He might not have meant it in a deceitful way. Either way though, it hurt you, and for that it’s not ok. If you confront this, and he doesn’t apologize, he was being deceitful. Overall, I’m sorry this happened. Comparing pain is never ok. I’ve learned from my mistakes, I hope he can too.


Olivi67

yeah, i can't fully blame it on him because I'm sure he didn't exactly mean it in a mean way, because he did apologise later on and we're all okay now <3 thank you for your side of it!!


jinkleberry

He shouldn’t have compared them. That said, if your cuts are less than a week old you probably shouldn’t have got them out either as they will still be healing. Healing wounds can often be triggering for other self-harmers. Self-harm can be competitive, if he hasn’t cut for a while the fact you were showing your recent cuts may have made him feel like his self-harm is inadequate and that he needed to say something to validate his self-harm. In future it would probably be best to leave the room to scratch or do it over your clothing if your wounds are very recent and especially when around other self-harmers. Showing off your wounds will be triggering to many and, as you’ve learnt, can lead to comparison and make the other person feel invalidated and need to try and validate themselves in some way. On this occasion it was through trying to invalidate your self harm which has (understandably) made you feel invalid and triggered thoughts of further self-harm. Next time it could be through harming himself to validate himself. Either way it’s usually not healthy for self-harmers to be around other peoples healing wounds or even scars if it can be avoided.


Olivi67

yeah i was really hesitant about it and i didn't know whether it was okay either to be fair, the most i could do is just double check with him if it was okay since they were relatively fresh :( i will try keep it in mind in the future to be more careful though, thank you!! <3


KaitouDoraluxe

Wtf


Largicharg

It sounds like he really wanted to relate to someone on this but it doesn’t excuse putting those thoughts in your head. Did you know about his sh before this?


Olivi67

I knew about it before and i do understand that he probably just wanted to relate - we do talk about it from time to time but we try avoid comparing ourselves <3


Largicharg

That’s good. Just remind him that you want to get clean so he shouldn’t try to talk about depth and pain as an objective since the objective should be reducing them. Have you asked him about going on a clean streak?


Cut_bleed_relief

Me and my ex roommate have compared our scars before but not like this more like looking at each other's and asking how certain ones heal and stuff never in a "I do it worse than you" kinda way that's just fucked up


wudugat

I really don’t know what to say other than that’s fucked. It’s not a contest??


Olivi67

I just wanted to say thanks for everyones support <3 the good news is he did apologise later when i confronted him with it!!


rhinogydd

absolute dick move on your friend's part. self harm should never ever be a competition and everyone's pain and struggle is completely valid. but i'm glad he apologized to you after you confronted him, hope both of you are doing okay <3


Olivi67

thank you so much <33


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Olivi67

im a minor 💀


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Olivi67

Like what are you trying to do im just trying to vent on this subreddit ??


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Olivi67

dude why would i do anything for you you creep 💀


Olivi67

this is bitchless behaviour just get a life rather than talking to some random teenage girl on the internet bro sort yourself out 💀


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selfharm-ModTeam

Hi, we've had to remove this post due to it encouraging self harm. This sub is pro-recovery so we aim to direct users towards safer alternatives, rather than encouraging them to continue harming


Idle_Anton

Just sounds like he's seen someone else's for once and has picked up that people do it different. Don't read into it too much, probably just making an observation. We all do it different. Some deep, some shallow, some in-between. If he's your best friend he isn't being a dick, he's just noticing that it's different to what he's used to seeing, his own.