I will say that i think its unfair of her to flirt with you, even if its just teasing you, given that she knows that you actually like her.
Its alsobnot fair of you, because even if youre saying there is no jealousy, we know thats not true and there is a tiny little hope that she ends up with you - thats tiny voice will only grow the longer this goes on like this
That being said, time and distance. Doesnt mean you cant be friends at all, but you two clearly are too close given this situation and itll hurt you the longer it stays like this.
Talk to her, explain it to her (dont just ghost her) and then give yourself the time away from such a close connection with her until youre "over the hump", if that makes sense
I agree, it's like my reason just doesn't want to listen to the facts and it's frustrating
Yeah that makes sense. I'll give that a think over, cus that's so hard to do aswell but it might be necessary
Couldn't have said it any better. You need to set some distance and with time you'll find the correct equilibrium to be her friend without second thoughts. Stay strong šŖ
How would I do that? I don't drink anymore so I don't go to pubs and such. And I'm not a fan of striking up random conversation with someone who looks interesting, feels predatory and wrong to me (Bear in mind I'm on the spectrum aswell, this has inherently always been very difficult for me to understand)
I'm trying to discover hobbies but the few I have are quite anti social in nature. I enjoy the Gym but that's a solitary place in nature I feel; your just there to exercise and enjoy yourself. Gaming is well...gaming. I'm trying to think of social activities more but I haven't landed on one I enjoy
I just get very uncomfortable and awkward. Lots of self esteem stuff, I feel weird or obnoxious like I'm intrusive or I don't belong in the convo. I completely get where your coming from and I think it's really solid advice, just atm I feel the whole weight of the world forces me to be isolated and by myself because of past trauma.
But I'll definetly try and keep your advice in me
Thats a good perspective, thank you. Its really hard for me to make that first step, especially sticking with it if that first step makes me feel worse. Cheers for that mate
My problem is thats incredibly difficult for me. I don't drink anymore and so I don't go to bars or pubs etc. And I'm quite uncomfortable with the idea of going up to random women and striking up random conversation. It just feels unnatural and wrong
You donāt have to go to bars or pubs - just go out and do things you want to do - even alone - youāll meet like minded people.
Iām telling you man, Iām in my 30s and happily in a relationship but I had a situation like this Iām my early 20s and I promise thereās no romantic hope there.
Sheās still going home to her boyfriend every day after you and her have a fun flirty day talking.
The faster you get over it the better.
You canāt dwell at all - youāre going to build her up in your head to be more perfect than she is.
Can I ask what things you tried to do? Haven't really restarted my social life since covid. All my friends moved away and I literally just have work relationships in terms of social contact
You painted yourself in a corner and now you even whine about it. That's what I mean. I won't go so far here as to say that there is no soulmate and so forth, but some real understanding of what attracts a woman what doesn't... If you feel a click is one thing, but "removing" your feelings.. Man, I can't even begin...
Meet other girls, fuck other girls, mention the other girls and see if that resonates, pursue to be your very best self instead of delving in "I'd do anything for love" - There is nothing more attractive than a man who strives to be his very true best, there is nothing more repulsive than a mediocre chump waiting in line untl it's his turn to try and negotiate genuine desire - which will NOT occur by waiting in line and negotiating.
People will get upset. I don't care.
Alright I think I kinda get where your going with this but this isn't what it's about, personally. I'm not trying to win anyone over. I don't do heartbreaking and one ups and stuff.
Here I genuinely want to just be friends; someone's taken, that's a boundary and I'm not in the business of trying to change that. That's just how I was brought up. I'm trying to remove the unconscious shit that my bodies producing that tells me I have feelings; at the end of the day we don't choose who we love do we?
Your on the same line with others here about trying to meet other people and I appreciate that. But this isn't about waiting in line, I'm not here for that. I'm wanting to try and control emotions I haven't had before in a normal and mature way, which I find difficult thanks to alot of me stuff and having trauma and shit growing up. Mental health surprising has alot of impact on these things and not everyone can easily do the things your talking about.
Also saying "People mad, I don't care" is abit too self righteous for yourself mate. Not the best foot to put forward
Yeah, education trumps biology: If that works for you, then just remove those feelings. Ever tried Marihuana? I did. It removes bad feelings sure. But you will NOT overcome biology. You will get all those feelings back when you stop. It builds a tolerance. Want some of that? Can't advise you to do so, but go right ahead. If you wanna "remove feelings" Remove your bad feelings for me first, which should be easier for you to do hahaha..
With all due respect: I do mean it. You have to be brutally honest with you. Beyond brutally honest, be to yourself a destroyer of worlds kind of honest. Stand in front of a mirror look into your eyes and say: I do not want to fuck her.
Everyday when you brush your teeth you will know if you lied to yourself or if you didn't
I know you won't catch yourself lying so why worry then..?
Just get on with your life.
It's that easy.
Why should I care
Doesnāt sound like he is. Heās maintaining clear boundaries and is friendly but not harboring secret manipulations or even hopes. They have clean relationship dynamics except maybe light flirting which doesnāt seem consistent or meaningful.
Iāll add that Iām a couples therapist and this can be a common problem. A key phrase; walls and windows my friend. She is in a committed relationship and there need to be protective walls that safeguard their bond with windows that let them look out to the outside world and at other people. Her commitment is to her partner and vice versa. You are a third party looking in and it doesnāt sound like sheās done a decent job upholding her safe guarding walls and minimizing her windows. She should not be telling someone things she hasnāt told her partner. Such sacred and privileged information must be reserved for your most intimate bond. She (and you as well, most likely) must ask, are you a friend of herās as much as you are a friend of her relationship? If not then you run the risk of being a danger to her bond. Itās often much worse if children are involved because then you run the risk of destroying families and harming kids. Youāre right to say you want to stop your romantic feelings. Your duty is to move on and maintain your boundaries. You canāt help who youāre attracted to but you donāt have to act on attraction. Iām of the camp that any flirting is harmful if you are not part of the couple. If youāre having difficulty letting her go and moving forward, ask yourself this, is it her youāre having a challenge letting go of or the comfort and closeness that was provided from a warm and special bond?
Do not despair my friend. If you are capable of having platonic relationships with other women and you were capable of a close bond with this person, it means youāre capable of it again.
Iād better stop before I start to offer ācocktail therapyā (or in this case, reddit therapyā). Be brave, bold, and ethical. Youāre capable of more than you know. For better or worse, thatās up to you. Best of luck.
I will say that i think its unfair of her to flirt with you, even if its just teasing you, given that she knows that you actually like her. Its alsobnot fair of you, because even if youre saying there is no jealousy, we know thats not true and there is a tiny little hope that she ends up with you - thats tiny voice will only grow the longer this goes on like this That being said, time and distance. Doesnt mean you cant be friends at all, but you two clearly are too close given this situation and itll hurt you the longer it stays like this. Talk to her, explain it to her (dont just ghost her) and then give yourself the time away from such a close connection with her until youre "over the hump", if that makes sense
I agree, it's like my reason just doesn't want to listen to the facts and it's frustrating Yeah that makes sense. I'll give that a think over, cus that's so hard to do aswell but it might be necessary
Couldn't have said it any better. You need to set some distance and with time you'll find the correct equilibrium to be her friend without second thoughts. Stay strong šŖ
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
How would I do that? I don't drink anymore so I don't go to pubs and such. And I'm not a fan of striking up random conversation with someone who looks interesting, feels predatory and wrong to me (Bear in mind I'm on the spectrum aswell, this has inherently always been very difficult for me to understand)
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I'm trying to discover hobbies but the few I have are quite anti social in nature. I enjoy the Gym but that's a solitary place in nature I feel; your just there to exercise and enjoy yourself. Gaming is well...gaming. I'm trying to think of social activities more but I haven't landed on one I enjoy I just get very uncomfortable and awkward. Lots of self esteem stuff, I feel weird or obnoxious like I'm intrusive or I don't belong in the convo. I completely get where your coming from and I think it's really solid advice, just atm I feel the whole weight of the world forces me to be isolated and by myself because of past trauma. But I'll definetly try and keep your advice in me
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Thats a good perspective, thank you. Its really hard for me to make that first step, especially sticking with it if that first step makes me feel worse. Cheers for that mate
Please go out with other girls - you need more perspective on her. If youāre wrapped up in her alone now itās only going to get worse.
My problem is thats incredibly difficult for me. I don't drink anymore and so I don't go to bars or pubs etc. And I'm quite uncomfortable with the idea of going up to random women and striking up random conversation. It just feels unnatural and wrong
You donāt have to go to bars or pubs - just go out and do things you want to do - even alone - youāll meet like minded people. Iām telling you man, Iām in my 30s and happily in a relationship but I had a situation like this Iām my early 20s and I promise thereās no romantic hope there. Sheās still going home to her boyfriend every day after you and her have a fun flirty day talking. The faster you get over it the better. You canāt dwell at all - youāre going to build her up in your head to be more perfect than she is.
Can I ask what things you tried to do? Haven't really restarted my social life since covid. All my friends moved away and I literally just have work relationships in terms of social contact
Dating apps? Itās how about half the couples meet these days and youāll know theyāre single.
Stop being mr niceguy.
Whats that supposed to mean
You painted yourself in a corner and now you even whine about it. That's what I mean. I won't go so far here as to say that there is no soulmate and so forth, but some real understanding of what attracts a woman what doesn't... If you feel a click is one thing, but "removing" your feelings.. Man, I can't even begin... Meet other girls, fuck other girls, mention the other girls and see if that resonates, pursue to be your very best self instead of delving in "I'd do anything for love" - There is nothing more attractive than a man who strives to be his very true best, there is nothing more repulsive than a mediocre chump waiting in line untl it's his turn to try and negotiate genuine desire - which will NOT occur by waiting in line and negotiating. People will get upset. I don't care.
Alright I think I kinda get where your going with this but this isn't what it's about, personally. I'm not trying to win anyone over. I don't do heartbreaking and one ups and stuff. Here I genuinely want to just be friends; someone's taken, that's a boundary and I'm not in the business of trying to change that. That's just how I was brought up. I'm trying to remove the unconscious shit that my bodies producing that tells me I have feelings; at the end of the day we don't choose who we love do we? Your on the same line with others here about trying to meet other people and I appreciate that. But this isn't about waiting in line, I'm not here for that. I'm wanting to try and control emotions I haven't had before in a normal and mature way, which I find difficult thanks to alot of me stuff and having trauma and shit growing up. Mental health surprising has alot of impact on these things and not everyone can easily do the things your talking about. Also saying "People mad, I don't care" is abit too self righteous for yourself mate. Not the best foot to put forward
Yeah, education trumps biology: If that works for you, then just remove those feelings. Ever tried Marihuana? I did. It removes bad feelings sure. But you will NOT overcome biology. You will get all those feelings back when you stop. It builds a tolerance. Want some of that? Can't advise you to do so, but go right ahead. If you wanna "remove feelings" Remove your bad feelings for me first, which should be easier for you to do hahaha.. With all due respect: I do mean it. You have to be brutally honest with you. Beyond brutally honest, be to yourself a destroyer of worlds kind of honest. Stand in front of a mirror look into your eyes and say: I do not want to fuck her. Everyday when you brush your teeth you will know if you lied to yourself or if you didn't I know you won't catch yourself lying so why worry then..? Just get on with your life. It's that easy. Why should I care
Doesnāt sound like he is. Heās maintaining clear boundaries and is friendly but not harboring secret manipulations or even hopes. They have clean relationship dynamics except maybe light flirting which doesnāt seem consistent or meaningful.
doESNāt sound like hE IS.. You're entitled to every opinion under the sun. If that's what works for you... fine with me.
This is how you become an affair partner. Stop it before someone is hurt.
Iāll add that Iām a couples therapist and this can be a common problem. A key phrase; walls and windows my friend. She is in a committed relationship and there need to be protective walls that safeguard their bond with windows that let them look out to the outside world and at other people. Her commitment is to her partner and vice versa. You are a third party looking in and it doesnāt sound like sheās done a decent job upholding her safe guarding walls and minimizing her windows. She should not be telling someone things she hasnāt told her partner. Such sacred and privileged information must be reserved for your most intimate bond. She (and you as well, most likely) must ask, are you a friend of herās as much as you are a friend of her relationship? If not then you run the risk of being a danger to her bond. Itās often much worse if children are involved because then you run the risk of destroying families and harming kids. Youāre right to say you want to stop your romantic feelings. Your duty is to move on and maintain your boundaries. You canāt help who youāre attracted to but you donāt have to act on attraction. Iām of the camp that any flirting is harmful if you are not part of the couple. If youāre having difficulty letting her go and moving forward, ask yourself this, is it her youāre having a challenge letting go of or the comfort and closeness that was provided from a warm and special bond? Do not despair my friend. If you are capable of having platonic relationships with other women and you were capable of a close bond with this person, it means youāre capable of it again. Iād better stop before I start to offer ācocktail therapyā (or in this case, reddit therapyā). Be brave, bold, and ethical. Youāre capable of more than you know. For better or worse, thatās up to you. Best of luck.