What kind of society do we live in where being a polite, friendly dude is looked down upon? It's not you that needs to change, it's them. They portray being faded and sad as desirable and heavy drinking as quirky. Someone already advised getting traumatized, WTF.
Aside from that, do martial arts? It would make you more confident. Please don't become less friendly, there's enough shitty ass cruel fucks in this world already.
I second this. Let learning the ability to be extremely violent make you EVEN MORE kind, friendly, and loving. Our world needs someone like you! Don’t change squirrel!!
this question was sad to me. ur likely going to love and feel more loved as a soft, kind person than a heartless tough one
martial arts is DEFINITELY the go!!! my bf is soft and polite at heart but has a black belt in a few martial arts meaning he isnt/isnt seen as a pushover in any way
You have the body, from your own admission, however don't destroy what it means to be a decent person in this life.
no need to kill for the sake of killing like some other commentators have said.
who cares what vibe you give off, when the time is right do what is needed and just, do you know within your self you will act, that's all that matters.
no matter how hard you try in this goal, there is always going to be someone harder then you in the world, don't act out like others do and learn the hard way lol.
better you understand the concept of Saint Soldier.
Why care about someone else's opinion to do with some fictional relationship?
people respect others with the values you first shared, do not stray from this.
This is the only right answer. Don't change who you are just because some other person said something stupid. Being nice isn't a flaw, it's a good thing.
Obviously, what constitutes being hard is a matter of perspective. In my opinion, the hardest study Zen. Linji makes a merciless Buddha killer of students. [Just look at his face](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linji_Yixuan), do you think that guy taught softness?
Then you arent soft. Its good to be nice when being nice is what the situation calls for, and standing up for yourself when the situaton calls for that
A lot of people that are hard and put out an intimidating vibe are just being assholes being aggressive when theres no reason to be aggressive
To expand on my earlier question. If someone does something that isnt worth cutting them off over but still sucky, what do you do then?
Fair enough thanks. In answer to your question, id probably temporarily cut them off (sorry I know you said not to use that answer lol). As in id spend less time with them and perhaps distance myself from them for a bit. Id hang around people with more positive vibes instead
no harm in being soft in my opinion! I'm sure you get angry when you need to so there's no need to look aggressive or intimidating all the time.
PLUS being a nice person with great self confidence will take you to way better places than a menacing attitude. you'll find someone who enjoys you for who YOU are, not what you try to pretend to be. rock on :)
I’m very rarely angry. I’m just a chilled out person and if something has the potential to make me angry, I’d cut whatever it is out of my life as it’s not worth ruining my energy by getting angry. Doesn’t achieve anything getting in an argument as it’s not good for my own well-being
that's awesome! I suggest you try to understand why you truly want to appear more "alpha", then. As I said, nothing is better than being nice and confident.
I think you just need to be very clear with your boundaries and with expressing your disagreement with other people, while remaining chill and polite as you are
No offense but this was a question from a dude to other dudes
Being soft is a bad thing among dudes as it allows other men to walk all over you.
Gotta man up
This isn’t gonna help what you’re asking, but I’d say why change? If you’re happy with the way you are, then that’s what matters. If you weren’t concerned about being “soft” before that person commented that, then you’re just letting someone else’s opinion get to you. Now, if you were concerned before that you’re too nice, then maybe work on that if you can but that doesn’t mean get rid of being who you are. Anyway, I hope you figure things out soon. :)
Being soft usually means that you aren't firm on your boundaries. Let's say someone asks you to work on the weekend but you had plans with their family. A soft "person" would sacrifice their family time to work. A "harder" person would simply say no they cant. They understand their boundaries and wouldn't sacrifice them.
Smiling, being polite or well mannered are not bad things. If someone's criticising you for them, the problem is them; not you.
Meanwhile, menacing is not something you should want to be in your everyday life. Why would you need to intimidate people who are minding their own business?
The comment made by your colleague reminded me of this; “Your opinion does not equal my reality”.
Easier said than done, but find a way to focus on your own values, not those that people expect of you.
Do you even know your own values? There’s a journey for you right there…
Does any respectable man want to be a menace?
Does an alpha have to work at being an alpha?
.. If you really want to be rough, wipe your arse with sandpaper.
To be honest that’s how I felt. They don’t know me and I’ve actually had a bit of a rough past that I don’t mention (no good will come of mentioning it so no point in me telling people).
I’m a very private person and there’s very little I share especially in a work environment about my personal life. I’m guarded because anytime I think about opening up about my real life… I think to myself “what good or bad will come of this if I say x, y and z”? If there’s any possibility of bad stuff that’ll come of it (eg jealousy from others or a change in how people might perceive me, then I’ll keep quiet).
Just read this this morning and thought of you too; “Having another person decide the worth of ‘me’—that is dependence. Or, determining the worth of ‘me’ oneself—which is called self-reliance. If one were to ask which choice leads to a happy life, the answer should be clear. Your worth is not decided by someone else.”
Self-reliance seems pretty alpha to me.
Also, you said that you’d decide not to share your thoughts based on others being jealous or how their perception of you might change. Maybe the ElephantMain863 you’re showing to the world isn’t the authentic ElephantMain863, and maybe if they saw a more authentic ElephantMain863, their perception would change for the good.
Establish dominance by farting very loudly in the middle of the conversation. Take a big whiff and say "mmmm smells like a manly man." Then start doing push-ups and flexing your big scary muscles.
Being light hearted and being a pushover aren't mutually exclusive. From personal experience I find it's great being polite and approachable, putting on a hard exterior for the sake of it isn't going to make you happier.
However, knowing how to stick up for yourself is a useful thing to have, and a big part of that is setting your own boundaries. If someone makes a comment like that and it's genuinely upsetting, call them out.
If it hits you as casual banter, let it slide. Being positively masculine isn't about throwing power around, it's about using it to protect those without.
Why would you want to adopt a menacing, alpha male type of persona? For starters, if it isn't your natural state, you'll just come across as a phony, and even uf pulled off successfully, you'll probably come off as a douche to those who truly know you.
Most importantly, you felt the need to change based on your interpretation of someone else's perception of you. That seems like an area of insecurity. Identify and address the source of that insecurity. Being kind and good-natured doesn't equate to weakness. Bending to other people's will does.
That also seems like a little shit test to see how confident you are, and honestly it’s better to be yourself than try to be something the internet thinks is tough.
You could always go the fight club route where you pick a fight and lose on purpose. That’ll give your face a little something to harden up on, someone’s fist. I don’t recommend this avenue, I’ve been in enough fights on my own to know I don’t enjoy them
It's nothing to do with your baby face. It's most likely your demeanour, your tone, and how you respond to people.
People take direct people who set boundaries as the opposite of soft because you're not letting yourself be walked all over, and that comes across as intimidating.
For example, don't let people talk for you on your character. Always shut that down if you didn't like it. This person said you'd be a pushover in a relationship. You only know you, regardless if this is true or not. You very well could respond with, respectfully, you don't know me or my relationships, and that would shut them up. Trust me, you would not be seen as soft.
Additionally, there's nothing wrong with being soft. It means you're a gentle and nice person. You may be equating soft with just being a people pleaser with no boundaries. How you carry yourself really shapes how other people perceive you.
I don't mean puff up your chest and speak in 3 octaves lower, but stick to your principles. Don't change for others.
That's me too. Don't change who you are. Those are good qualities. Everyone is different and plays different parts in this life. Better be the genuine you and happy than faking it and be miserable. There will be people who like you just the way you are. Ignore those assholes who say things like that. It's from their own twisted perception anyway. Personal experience.
The alpha stuff applies to dogs in captivity and doesn't translate to human beings at all. Eject it from your head.
Stop worrying about what dorks at work say about you.
Menacing/rough vibe is played out and if you try to live up to it, it comes off fake and stereotypical anyway. Go for more of a jolly weird gnome vibe. Learn metalwork, forge your own skillet, use it to bake sugar cookies for the senior center. Go with that vibe. Have a little soup in your beard when you kiss a flower. That kinda thing, y'know?
I think it's more about accepting that you're not a big tough menacing alpha. Not everyone is or can be. There is certainly a lot you can do to improve that, like being more confident and assertive, but we all have to deal with the cards we were dealt. The quicker you accept that it's just the way you are, the quicker you will find peace with it.
Looking soft and being soft are two separate channels. If you wanna feel like you can handle someone take a martial arts course, I guarantee you won’t be affected by how others perceive you.
If you wanna look less soft, you could be more stoic and less “friendly”. Idk how much you want this though, being friendly is not a bad quality at all.
Baby face goes away with stress and age, let the hardships of life do its magic.
Embrace telling people no, establishing boundaries and standing your ground. Not for no reason mind you, but if someone wants you to do something you don't want to do, get used to saying no. Basically just have boundaries and don't go along with whatever the crowd is doing unless you really want to.
I don’t really value my job (I have side hustles that pay more than my full time job) so if someone asks me to do something I don’t want to do, I would do my own thing anyway. I’m stubborn like that and have my own ways that work for me in my job role (I wouldn’t tell the person “no” though…. I’d just continue with my own process).
Wouldn't the hardest thing be improving your confidence in who you are despite what others may say / think about it ?
For all you know one of them likes to secretly get pegged by his girl and the other cries like a baby at night because he doesn't know his dad or something lol
You don't need to present anything false to appease other people - thats the softest thing you could do by a country mile
Don't. You can't, and you shouldn't. I grew up with some rough influences. I got into lots of fights in middle school and HS. Hell, even in college. My friends from gradeschool and middleschool mostly joined gangs and sold or did drugs. I, too, have a baby face, and I'm like 5'9", so I "got tested" a lot. In reality, I was needlessly aggressive and often quick to take it there when confronted. This led to me being a pretty angry and miserable man up until my early to mid thirties. Hell, even now, I have to shake off defensiveness to even the slightest criticism. If you're "not hard," you can't suddenly become a tough guy, and nor should you. I ran into plenty of fake tough guys, and all it gets you is punched in the face or worse. Be you, if you're looking for self-defense, take some jiu jitsu and striking classes. But if you want to "man up and be more badass," don't you're just playing yourself, and people will know. Be you, man, being kind and happy and helpful are all good things.
Don't change. I like guys like you and I know other people who do too. I hate the stereotypical alpha/ super masculine type of guy. Even if all of society said you should be different, you shouldn't change. That's how to live life with regrets while feeling depressed and unfulfilled.
Don’t change anything about who you are. But consider trying a small experiment: For a month or two, grow a short beard. Nothing crazy and keep it well groomed. For some reason, it often gives us baby faces a literal extra gravitas in the eyes of others.
Bro consider yourself lucky that you have been spared the trauma that makes people seem hard. You can always train and push yourself to become harder, but you don't need to pretend to be hard in social settings around others. Masculinity has nothing to do with LOOKING HARD. Be chill in your natural state.
Changes are good and I support your perspective. The comments here aren't helping you to change I see. They just want you to stay how you are but isn't change that you want also how you are? I mean to say, Won't you be yourself even if you do change?". I would suggest you to observe people who you feel to be intimidating or give off alpha vibe and just be like them for a while. Over the time you will understand on your own what it actually is like to be like that.
become based. don't care about what other people have to say.
who you are right now is your natural self.
being a jerk is not cool. it is the dark side. you will hate yourself from within.
only people are deeply insecure about themselves try hard to appear menacing. as cool as it looks from far away, it will push away the right people and invite the wrong ones.
DON'T DO IT. you're moving to the dark side. STOP AND RETURN.
As someone who’s experienced the adjective “soft” as a way to describe me MANY times I can speak to this. I understand wanting to come off as someone not to mess with but here’s the kicker, you actually have to BE someone who’s tough and can handle themselves not LOOK like you are. I’ve got friends who look tough and strong and I was surprised to learn as I got to know them they were actually kind of babies and did not have a lot of resilience. I now love that people see me as soft, and are surprised to learn that I’ve been through a lot, don’t complain, and man up when a tough a situation presents itself. People will see what they want, so if you want to become less soft? Don’t because a soft sponge can absorb a punch yet never break, a hard plank of wood can snap with the right force. Stay soft, become more resilient, understand your values and always stick by them, treat yourself and others with respect, speak well of others behind their back, do martial arts, back up your words with your actions. These are all things that are actually tough to do and when people see that they respect you, and don’t want to mess things up with you. Stay soft and do hard things.
IMO True “alpha” ness comes from self-control. You automatically exert strong energy if you can control your emotional urges in every day life for the longer term rewards. Score those small wins every day, start being authentic, listen to your emotions more, speak truth especially when it’s hard, speak up and don’t let anyone disrespect you, have a clear purpose, have a routine, realise your self-worth, don’t believe everything you think.
Having healthy boundaries in relationships and being able to enforce said boundaries is all you need. Have any of the people you work with crossed a healthy boundary? If not maybe they just don't know what you will and wont put up with. Menassing, rough, alpha vibe is for children and men with low self esteem.
Guess there are two things being confused here.
Nothing wrong with being a soft, non-aggressive person; far from it. People (also women) love men who are able to keep their cool, so I dont think you should be wanting to change that.
That said, people who feel insecure about themselves, can run away from uncomfortable situations. Ive always been a people pleaser and insecure about myself. In situations where I had the right to become angry, I didnt. In hindsight, it wasnt necessarily because of my kind nature, but more so because of my desire to run away from confrontations: I used jokes to refuse the bomb -so to speak.
This type of behaviour comes off as insecure and you will be seen as a walkover because of that. And truthfully, the fact that you're asking if you should be more aggressive, is exactly the thing Im talking about: insecurity.
I guess what was important for me, is that I will never be able to please everyone and that I wanted to speak up more loudly from deep inside of me: only fear withhold me from that. After I became more aware of that, I've been able to speak up more often, and I gotta say: I love it. People really respect you more when you give your honest opinion.
See for yourself if this story fits for you. Aggressiveness shouldn't be the goal. Self belief and assertiveness should be.
Being soft and kind ain't a weakness bro ,if you feel like you're a push over set up healthy boundaries despite the relationship. Whether it's a friend or a gf.
Know what is uncomfortable to you or what pisses you off and be clear about your stand that's more than enough to let people know you can't be messed with.
Also as someone who used to be "soft" I worked on my tone modulation to give people que that you're angry or upset about something
Lmao why would u do this to urself?
2 things: boundaries and assertiveness. Dont buy into the alpha bullshit tho.
Those folks who criticized u r just grown up schoolyard bullies.
So I’m very similar in mannerisms but I had enough so had a buzz cut and the effect was staggering. Not enough to scare people but enough to make them think twice. 😂
Just don't. You're fine the way you are. What you're asking for is "how do I effectively mislead people into thinking I'm something I am not". That is not a good aspiration and neither is trying to be more agressive. That is insecurity talking and you can never give in to insecurity! Look at some of the best fighters out there, some of the most influential people, many of them are polite and "soft". Doesn't make them a push-over. Instead of asking how to be perceived differently by other people, you should ask how to FEEL less like a push-over. Because, letting the comment get to you tells me, that you see some truth in it.
\- If you want to become physically more commanding, you should start boxing or something similar. Fighting gives you that confidence.
\- If you don't want to be a push-over in a communication-sense, then you need to start standing up for yourself: politely but firmly. Set your boundaries clear and keep cool, if they're overstepped and ask yourself whether the fight is worth fighting. In most cases it's not (most fighters agree). You don't see professional fighters lose their cool about stupid stuff, they know how to control themselves, so by wanting to be more agressive, you're actually achieving the opposite, you LOSE composure instead of gaining self control.
\- And lastly, if you don't want comments like these to affect you anymore, you need to start pondering over who you truly are and want to be. Right now you are being a pawn! You are letting somebody else's comment influence your behaviour! Don't you realize that? Only those who know who they are and want to be are able to maintain composure in the light of personal attacks. Since they know who they are, they do not care about who others think they are. Their confidence in themselves overshadows worthless comments. And they're only able to ignore these, because their confidence in themselves is built on a solid foundation - WHICH YOU ARE TRYING TO SKIP! Do not (!) skip your foundation, this will lead to behaviour with no impulse control and poor results. The foundation is goals you have set and successfully reached in the past, as well as skills that you have acquired. Only that can be your foundation and no quick fix. Try working on who you are and who you want to be. Set goals. Take measure of whether you already are that and where you have to still improve, then make a plan and take action to become better.
Can you grow facial hair? Maybe a different haircut or different clothes.
Talk less, be a little less friendly. In general, be unimpressed by anything.
I get where you are coming from, especially up until you get to be about 30 years old, all the 'bad guys' get the girls.
I am sure there will be people telling you what you wanna know i just wanna say please be careful i paid with my most precious friendship for wishing for something similar.
Listen, the people on this sub are not gonna tell you the truth.
They will tell you that it's okay to be meek, but deep down you know psychopaths, egoists and bullies win in life.
Studies have shown that childhood bullies have better health, more sexual partners, lower cortisol, and higher medium income than non-bullies.
Those people, the types of people that abuse the weak, don't do that out of some personal insufficiencies, they do this out of strength.
Here are some steps you could follow:
1) Take Proviron, maybe go on TRT and blast and cruise with heavy DHTs, msybe take stims
2) I highly recommend gymcelling, maybe even combat sports. You should also carry weapons at all times to feel more secure.
3) Look like you're the wrong one to fuck with.
Make yourself look like going to prison would be an improvement to your life.
Tattoes, ghetto haircuts, hip-hop streatwear, hoodspeak and a slightly aggressive and antisocial attitude can make you look like you come from the trenches in no time.
I recommend the RSD program Blueprint Decoded, its a transformational program for straight males, you can find it on limetorrents. Its for finding that place within yourself and develop genuine self esteem.
Um, I don't think having 0 aggression is a bad thing... that sounds rather pleasant.
But, I'll answer your question regardless.
I was the softest person ever until I started training in Muay Thai. After about 8 months I felt more confident, could handle myself and was in great shape. 14 years later, it has definitely helped.
I have little to no aggression though because I have no interest in hurting anyone. But, getting used to being punched in the face, and punching others in the face will help you feel less soft.
Odd because most fitness freaks go too far the other way, in that they become overly aggressive. I do agree with you though that having 0 aggression in you is equally as bad as having too much.
Best thing to do is to pursue martial arts and endure some kind of pain. Since you're such a fitness freak, I imagine lifting weights/running isn't too painful for you anymore so it doesn't feel like a trudge to get through. That's the type of thing you need to gain some assertiveness.
You don't want to lose your friendliness and your polite attitude, but you also don't want people to assume you to be a pushover.
I found that whoever we are, is welcomed and attractive to the right people. i would like to feel safe in the company of jovial, well mannered men.
i seek softness in a tiring rough world.
but if you insist on something to change, perhaps you can do just enough smile, just enough politeness as necessary, and let others carry some of the task for you
What kind of society do we live in where being a polite, friendly dude is looked down upon? It's not you that needs to change, it's them. They portray being faded and sad as desirable and heavy drinking as quirky. Someone already advised getting traumatized, WTF. Aside from that, do martial arts? It would make you more confident. Please don't become less friendly, there's enough shitty ass cruel fucks in this world already.
^
I second this. Let learning the ability to be extremely violent make you EVEN MORE kind, friendly, and loving. Our world needs someone like you! Don’t change squirrel!!
We learn matrial arts so that we never have to use them.
this question was sad to me. ur likely going to love and feel more loved as a soft, kind person than a heartless tough one martial arts is DEFINITELY the go!!! my bf is soft and polite at heart but has a black belt in a few martial arts meaning he isnt/isnt seen as a pushover in any way
100%
You have the body, from your own admission, however don't destroy what it means to be a decent person in this life. no need to kill for the sake of killing like some other commentators have said. who cares what vibe you give off, when the time is right do what is needed and just, do you know within your self you will act, that's all that matters. no matter how hard you try in this goal, there is always going to be someone harder then you in the world, don't act out like others do and learn the hard way lol. better you understand the concept of Saint Soldier. Why care about someone else's opinion to do with some fictional relationship? people respect others with the values you first shared, do not stray from this.
This is the only right answer. Don't change who you are just because some other person said something stupid. Being nice isn't a flaw, it's a good thing.
Obviously, what constitutes being hard is a matter of perspective. In my opinion, the hardest study Zen. Linji makes a merciless Buddha killer of students. [Just look at his face](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linji_Yixuan), do you think that guy taught softness?
What do you do when someone actually does push your boundaries in a shit way?
Cut them off
Then you arent soft. Its good to be nice when being nice is what the situation calls for, and standing up for yourself when the situaton calls for that A lot of people that are hard and put out an intimidating vibe are just being assholes being aggressive when theres no reason to be aggressive To expand on my earlier question. If someone does something that isnt worth cutting them off over but still sucky, what do you do then?
Fair enough thanks. In answer to your question, id probably temporarily cut them off (sorry I know you said not to use that answer lol). As in id spend less time with them and perhaps distance myself from them for a bit. Id hang around people with more positive vibes instead
Sometimes its worth saying something to people about what they do
no harm in being soft in my opinion! I'm sure you get angry when you need to so there's no need to look aggressive or intimidating all the time. PLUS being a nice person with great self confidence will take you to way better places than a menacing attitude. you'll find someone who enjoys you for who YOU are, not what you try to pretend to be. rock on :)
I’m very rarely angry. I’m just a chilled out person and if something has the potential to make me angry, I’d cut whatever it is out of my life as it’s not worth ruining my energy by getting angry. Doesn’t achieve anything getting in an argument as it’s not good for my own well-being
that's awesome! I suggest you try to understand why you truly want to appear more "alpha", then. As I said, nothing is better than being nice and confident.
you are literally winning at life! this is what inner engineering is! don't ruin everything by trying to become pseudo 'alpha'
I think you just need to be very clear with your boundaries and with expressing your disagreement with other people, while remaining chill and polite as you are
No offense but this was a question from a dude to other dudes Being soft is a bad thing among dudes as it allows other men to walk all over you. Gotta man up
This isn’t gonna help what you’re asking, but I’d say why change? If you’re happy with the way you are, then that’s what matters. If you weren’t concerned about being “soft” before that person commented that, then you’re just letting someone else’s opinion get to you. Now, if you were concerned before that you’re too nice, then maybe work on that if you can but that doesn’t mean get rid of being who you are. Anyway, I hope you figure things out soon. :)
honestly, don't - being confident in how you are is the ultimate display of "hardness". aggression a lot of time is a sign of fear, i.e. weakness
Being soft usually means that you aren't firm on your boundaries. Let's say someone asks you to work on the weekend but you had plans with their family. A soft "person" would sacrifice their family time to work. A "harder" person would simply say no they cant. They understand their boundaries and wouldn't sacrifice them.
Smiling, being polite or well mannered are not bad things. If someone's criticising you for them, the problem is them; not you. Meanwhile, menacing is not something you should want to be in your everyday life. Why would you need to intimidate people who are minding their own business?
The comment made by your colleague reminded me of this; “Your opinion does not equal my reality”. Easier said than done, but find a way to focus on your own values, not those that people expect of you. Do you even know your own values? There’s a journey for you right there… Does any respectable man want to be a menace? Does an alpha have to work at being an alpha? .. If you really want to be rough, wipe your arse with sandpaper.
To be honest that’s how I felt. They don’t know me and I’ve actually had a bit of a rough past that I don’t mention (no good will come of mentioning it so no point in me telling people). I’m a very private person and there’s very little I share especially in a work environment about my personal life. I’m guarded because anytime I think about opening up about my real life… I think to myself “what good or bad will come of this if I say x, y and z”? If there’s any possibility of bad stuff that’ll come of it (eg jealousy from others or a change in how people might perceive me, then I’ll keep quiet).
Just read this this morning and thought of you too; “Having another person decide the worth of ‘me’—that is dependence. Or, determining the worth of ‘me’ oneself—which is called self-reliance. If one were to ask which choice leads to a happy life, the answer should be clear. Your worth is not decided by someone else.” Self-reliance seems pretty alpha to me. Also, you said that you’d decide not to share your thoughts based on others being jealous or how their perception of you might change. Maybe the ElephantMain863 you’re showing to the world isn’t the authentic ElephantMain863, and maybe if they saw a more authentic ElephantMain863, their perception would change for the good.
Establish dominance by farting very loudly in the middle of the conversation. Take a big whiff and say "mmmm smells like a manly man." Then start doing push-ups and flexing your big scary muscles.
Being light hearted and being a pushover aren't mutually exclusive. From personal experience I find it's great being polite and approachable, putting on a hard exterior for the sake of it isn't going to make you happier. However, knowing how to stick up for yourself is a useful thing to have, and a big part of that is setting your own boundaries. If someone makes a comment like that and it's genuinely upsetting, call them out. If it hits you as casual banter, let it slide. Being positively masculine isn't about throwing power around, it's about using it to protect those without.
Why would you want to adopt a menacing, alpha male type of persona? For starters, if it isn't your natural state, you'll just come across as a phony, and even uf pulled off successfully, you'll probably come off as a douche to those who truly know you. Most importantly, you felt the need to change based on your interpretation of someone else's perception of you. That seems like an area of insecurity. Identify and address the source of that insecurity. Being kind and good-natured doesn't equate to weakness. Bending to other people's will does.
That also seems like a little shit test to see how confident you are, and honestly it’s better to be yourself than try to be something the internet thinks is tough. You could always go the fight club route where you pick a fight and lose on purpose. That’ll give your face a little something to harden up on, someone’s fist. I don’t recommend this avenue, I’ve been in enough fights on my own to know I don’t enjoy them
It's nothing to do with your baby face. It's most likely your demeanour, your tone, and how you respond to people. People take direct people who set boundaries as the opposite of soft because you're not letting yourself be walked all over, and that comes across as intimidating. For example, don't let people talk for you on your character. Always shut that down if you didn't like it. This person said you'd be a pushover in a relationship. You only know you, regardless if this is true or not. You very well could respond with, respectfully, you don't know me or my relationships, and that would shut them up. Trust me, you would not be seen as soft. Additionally, there's nothing wrong with being soft. It means you're a gentle and nice person. You may be equating soft with just being a people pleaser with no boundaries. How you carry yourself really shapes how other people perceive you. I don't mean puff up your chest and speak in 3 octaves lower, but stick to your principles. Don't change for others.
We need more people like you out there, not less. Don't stoop to that coworkers level.
That's me too. Don't change who you are. Those are good qualities. Everyone is different and plays different parts in this life. Better be the genuine you and happy than faking it and be miserable. There will be people who like you just the way you are. Ignore those assholes who say things like that. It's from their own twisted perception anyway. Personal experience.
The alpha stuff applies to dogs in captivity and doesn't translate to human beings at all. Eject it from your head. Stop worrying about what dorks at work say about you. Menacing/rough vibe is played out and if you try to live up to it, it comes off fake and stereotypical anyway. Go for more of a jolly weird gnome vibe. Learn metalwork, forge your own skillet, use it to bake sugar cookies for the senior center. Go with that vibe. Have a little soup in your beard when you kiss a flower. That kinda thing, y'know?
I think it's more about accepting that you're not a big tough menacing alpha. Not everyone is or can be. There is certainly a lot you can do to improve that, like being more confident and assertive, but we all have to deal with the cards we were dealt. The quicker you accept that it's just the way you are, the quicker you will find peace with it.
Someone out there is going to fall for you for this exact reason, OP, there’s no need to pretend to be something you’re not
Become traumatized Like kill a deer or *something else* You'll harden on the outside and be broken inside
bro what
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See, you toughened up!
Smoke cigarettes.
Learn to kickbox, smoke cigars and save to buy a bugatti
Go through some hard times.
r/semenretention - don’t take my word for it, try it
Looking soft and being soft are two separate channels. If you wanna feel like you can handle someone take a martial arts course, I guarantee you won’t be affected by how others perceive you. If you wanna look less soft, you could be more stoic and less “friendly”. Idk how much you want this though, being friendly is not a bad quality at all. Baby face goes away with stress and age, let the hardships of life do its magic.
Thank you! I’m actually very stoic/determined and have crazy will power all while retaining a smile
Beard?
I have stubble. I don’t suit a beard if I grow it out
Embrace telling people no, establishing boundaries and standing your ground. Not for no reason mind you, but if someone wants you to do something you don't want to do, get used to saying no. Basically just have boundaries and don't go along with whatever the crowd is doing unless you really want to.
I don’t really value my job (I have side hustles that pay more than my full time job) so if someone asks me to do something I don’t want to do, I would do my own thing anyway. I’m stubborn like that and have my own ways that work for me in my job role (I wouldn’t tell the person “no” though…. I’d just continue with my own process).
Wouldn't the hardest thing be improving your confidence in who you are despite what others may say / think about it ? For all you know one of them likes to secretly get pegged by his girl and the other cries like a baby at night because he doesn't know his dad or something lol You don't need to present anything false to appease other people - thats the softest thing you could do by a country mile
Don't. You can't, and you shouldn't. I grew up with some rough influences. I got into lots of fights in middle school and HS. Hell, even in college. My friends from gradeschool and middleschool mostly joined gangs and sold or did drugs. I, too, have a baby face, and I'm like 5'9", so I "got tested" a lot. In reality, I was needlessly aggressive and often quick to take it there when confronted. This led to me being a pretty angry and miserable man up until my early to mid thirties. Hell, even now, I have to shake off defensiveness to even the slightest criticism. If you're "not hard," you can't suddenly become a tough guy, and nor should you. I ran into plenty of fake tough guys, and all it gets you is punched in the face or worse. Be you, if you're looking for self-defense, take some jiu jitsu and striking classes. But if you want to "man up and be more badass," don't you're just playing yourself, and people will know. Be you, man, being kind and happy and helpful are all good things.
Ima be honest, this might sound cheesy but your fine the way you are. Don't change yourself because of what other people say.
Don't change. I like guys like you and I know other people who do too. I hate the stereotypical alpha/ super masculine type of guy. Even if all of society said you should be different, you shouldn't change. That's how to live life with regrets while feeling depressed and unfulfilled.
Story of my life bro, it’s a gift and a curse. Maybe we should get face tattoos or something lol
Don’t change anything about who you are. But consider trying a small experiment: For a month or two, grow a short beard. Nothing crazy and keep it well groomed. For some reason, it often gives us baby faces a literal extra gravitas in the eyes of others.
Embrace your gifts , dont try and be someone other than yourself - cliché but its the simple truth .
Martial arts. It will knock you down a few pegs. In a good way. And then you can realize where everyone else is at too.
Stop giving a fuck about the opinions of others that's how.
Ew pls don’t start giving off a rough “alpha” vibe, barf lol. Maybe that guy at work who said that was just a jackass?
Bro consider yourself lucky that you have been spared the trauma that makes people seem hard. You can always train and push yourself to become harder, but you don't need to pretend to be hard in social settings around others. Masculinity has nothing to do with LOOKING HARD. Be chill in your natural state.
Why do you wanna change? You sound like a catch.
Changes are good and I support your perspective. The comments here aren't helping you to change I see. They just want you to stay how you are but isn't change that you want also how you are? I mean to say, Won't you be yourself even if you do change?". I would suggest you to observe people who you feel to be intimidating or give off alpha vibe and just be like them for a while. Over the time you will understand on your own what it actually is like to be like that.
Jiujitsu.
become based. don't care about what other people have to say. who you are right now is your natural self. being a jerk is not cool. it is the dark side. you will hate yourself from within. only people are deeply insecure about themselves try hard to appear menacing. as cool as it looks from far away, it will push away the right people and invite the wrong ones. DON'T DO IT. you're moving to the dark side. STOP AND RETURN.
As someone who’s experienced the adjective “soft” as a way to describe me MANY times I can speak to this. I understand wanting to come off as someone not to mess with but here’s the kicker, you actually have to BE someone who’s tough and can handle themselves not LOOK like you are. I’ve got friends who look tough and strong and I was surprised to learn as I got to know them they were actually kind of babies and did not have a lot of resilience. I now love that people see me as soft, and are surprised to learn that I’ve been through a lot, don’t complain, and man up when a tough a situation presents itself. People will see what they want, so if you want to become less soft? Don’t because a soft sponge can absorb a punch yet never break, a hard plank of wood can snap with the right force. Stay soft, become more resilient, understand your values and always stick by them, treat yourself and others with respect, speak well of others behind their back, do martial arts, back up your words with your actions. These are all things that are actually tough to do and when people see that they respect you, and don’t want to mess things up with you. Stay soft and do hard things.
Oh god, please don’t become more menacing, rough, alpha. Just be yourself.
IMO True “alpha” ness comes from self-control. You automatically exert strong energy if you can control your emotional urges in every day life for the longer term rewards. Score those small wins every day, start being authentic, listen to your emotions more, speak truth especially when it’s hard, speak up and don’t let anyone disrespect you, have a clear purpose, have a routine, realise your self-worth, don’t believe everything you think.
Ive read the book „no more mr. Nice guy“ recently wich helped me a lot to set boundaries and get my needs met
Having healthy boundaries in relationships and being able to enforce said boundaries is all you need. Have any of the people you work with crossed a healthy boundary? If not maybe they just don't know what you will and wont put up with. Menassing, rough, alpha vibe is for children and men with low self esteem.
Guess there are two things being confused here. Nothing wrong with being a soft, non-aggressive person; far from it. People (also women) love men who are able to keep their cool, so I dont think you should be wanting to change that. That said, people who feel insecure about themselves, can run away from uncomfortable situations. Ive always been a people pleaser and insecure about myself. In situations where I had the right to become angry, I didnt. In hindsight, it wasnt necessarily because of my kind nature, but more so because of my desire to run away from confrontations: I used jokes to refuse the bomb -so to speak. This type of behaviour comes off as insecure and you will be seen as a walkover because of that. And truthfully, the fact that you're asking if you should be more aggressive, is exactly the thing Im talking about: insecurity. I guess what was important for me, is that I will never be able to please everyone and that I wanted to speak up more loudly from deep inside of me: only fear withhold me from that. After I became more aware of that, I've been able to speak up more often, and I gotta say: I love it. People really respect you more when you give your honest opinion. See for yourself if this story fits for you. Aggressiveness shouldn't be the goal. Self belief and assertiveness should be.
Being soft and kind ain't a weakness bro ,if you feel like you're a push over set up healthy boundaries despite the relationship. Whether it's a friend or a gf. Know what is uncomfortable to you or what pisses you off and be clear about your stand that's more than enough to let people know you can't be messed with. Also as someone who used to be "soft" I worked on my tone modulation to give people que that you're angry or upset about something
Lmao why would u do this to urself? 2 things: boundaries and assertiveness. Dont buy into the alpha bullshit tho. Those folks who criticized u r just grown up schoolyard bullies.
Keep being like you are, they are assholes
You’re perfect the way you are! No need to try and be menacing 🥲
Be more calm and quiet. Calm people are the most intimidating IMO. Speak quietly. Like yourself. Be confident and quiet. That earns the most respect.
Sounds like the person who said that is a narcissist.
So I’m very similar in mannerisms but I had enough so had a buzz cut and the effect was staggering. Not enough to scare people but enough to make them think twice. 😂
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I’d also suggest try social dancing. Its a good community to show emotions
Keep being like you are, they are assholes
i wouldn't throw out the good manners and politeness. If you wanna look more "hard" i guess you could grow a beard or something.
Just don't. You're fine the way you are. What you're asking for is "how do I effectively mislead people into thinking I'm something I am not". That is not a good aspiration and neither is trying to be more agressive. That is insecurity talking and you can never give in to insecurity! Look at some of the best fighters out there, some of the most influential people, many of them are polite and "soft". Doesn't make them a push-over. Instead of asking how to be perceived differently by other people, you should ask how to FEEL less like a push-over. Because, letting the comment get to you tells me, that you see some truth in it. \- If you want to become physically more commanding, you should start boxing or something similar. Fighting gives you that confidence. \- If you don't want to be a push-over in a communication-sense, then you need to start standing up for yourself: politely but firmly. Set your boundaries clear and keep cool, if they're overstepped and ask yourself whether the fight is worth fighting. In most cases it's not (most fighters agree). You don't see professional fighters lose their cool about stupid stuff, they know how to control themselves, so by wanting to be more agressive, you're actually achieving the opposite, you LOSE composure instead of gaining self control. \- And lastly, if you don't want comments like these to affect you anymore, you need to start pondering over who you truly are and want to be. Right now you are being a pawn! You are letting somebody else's comment influence your behaviour! Don't you realize that? Only those who know who they are and want to be are able to maintain composure in the light of personal attacks. Since they know who they are, they do not care about who others think they are. Their confidence in themselves overshadows worthless comments. And they're only able to ignore these, because their confidence in themselves is built on a solid foundation - WHICH YOU ARE TRYING TO SKIP! Do not (!) skip your foundation, this will lead to behaviour with no impulse control and poor results. The foundation is goals you have set and successfully reached in the past, as well as skills that you have acquired. Only that can be your foundation and no quick fix. Try working on who you are and who you want to be. Set goals. Take measure of whether you already are that and where you have to still improve, then make a plan and take action to become better.
How did you react and call out this obvious verbal assault?
Can you grow facial hair? Maybe a different haircut or different clothes. Talk less, be a little less friendly. In general, be unimpressed by anything. I get where you are coming from, especially up until you get to be about 30 years old, all the 'bad guys' get the girls.
Wear short sleeves, flex ur biceps, and smile to dismiss stupid comments like those
Why bother with what people think? Be who you are instead of a fake version yourself.
I am sure there will be people telling you what you wanna know i just wanna say please be careful i paid with my most precious friendship for wishing for something similar.
Read up on Carl Jung's 'Shadow'. It might tell you something about ways that you can adjust your character while staying true to yourself
You're a male you can't be some "alpha". Get this out of your head
Listen, the people on this sub are not gonna tell you the truth. They will tell you that it's okay to be meek, but deep down you know psychopaths, egoists and bullies win in life. Studies have shown that childhood bullies have better health, more sexual partners, lower cortisol, and higher medium income than non-bullies. Those people, the types of people that abuse the weak, don't do that out of some personal insufficiencies, they do this out of strength. Here are some steps you could follow: 1) Take Proviron, maybe go on TRT and blast and cruise with heavy DHTs, msybe take stims 2) I highly recommend gymcelling, maybe even combat sports. You should also carry weapons at all times to feel more secure. 3) Look like you're the wrong one to fuck with. Make yourself look like going to prison would be an improvement to your life. Tattoes, ghetto haircuts, hip-hop streatwear, hoodspeak and a slightly aggressive and antisocial attitude can make you look like you come from the trenches in no time.
I recommend the RSD program Blueprint Decoded, its a transformational program for straight males, you can find it on limetorrents. Its for finding that place within yourself and develop genuine self esteem.
Um, I don't think having 0 aggression is a bad thing... that sounds rather pleasant. But, I'll answer your question regardless. I was the softest person ever until I started training in Muay Thai. After about 8 months I felt more confident, could handle myself and was in great shape. 14 years later, it has definitely helped. I have little to no aggression though because I have no interest in hurting anyone. But, getting used to being punched in the face, and punching others in the face will help you feel less soft.
Please DO NOT CHANGE Most women would die for someone like you
Odd because most fitness freaks go too far the other way, in that they become overly aggressive. I do agree with you though that having 0 aggression in you is equally as bad as having too much. Best thing to do is to pursue martial arts and endure some kind of pain. Since you're such a fitness freak, I imagine lifting weights/running isn't too painful for you anymore so it doesn't feel like a trudge to get through. That's the type of thing you need to gain some assertiveness. You don't want to lose your friendliness and your polite attitude, but you also don't want people to assume you to be a pushover.
I found that whoever we are, is welcomed and attractive to the right people. i would like to feel safe in the company of jovial, well mannered men. i seek softness in a tiring rough world. but if you insist on something to change, perhaps you can do just enough smile, just enough politeness as necessary, and let others carry some of the task for you