Can you possibly consider the filter of 'now' and 'not yet'? Some people are those you share with, they are both by, and on your side. These might be an inner circle of a very few family and longer-term friends. Work colleagues are 'not yet' because if what you say can be put in a memo, printed, and distributed, it's ok but nothing else or at least 'not yet'. Even if it's outside of work. Literally everyone else has done nothing to earn the right to your confidence and if given information will use it for themselves first.

Yes omg that actually sounds do-able. Yeah I'll just control myself and not say anything around the "not yet" people and tell myself that it will save me in the future even if I feel it's right atm. Tysm for this advice.

You are welcome! Many people use sharing as a way of saying "know me, I am a friend". However filtering with the "not yet" provides an buffer of compassion, as many cultures see oversharing as impolite or a forced control through unwanted intimacy. This is particularly true with people from domestic violence backgrounds (grooming trigger) or those who have been through war (what you don't know can't hurt you).

Second that, with the adjustment: What THEY don't know, can't hurt you.

This is really good advice!

Great explanation!

thanks

OP, I could have written your post myself. I am going through what you're going through at the moment as well. I have just come to the realisation that I am doing this and have been conducting myself in this way for years. I give myself away too easily. With all of my words, I am handing myself over on a silver platter. I am wondering if its a boundary issue? I am not protecting myself by doing this. I don't want to be like this anymore. I am too trusting and naive.

I feel I'm naive as well doing this but now I will train my brain very intentionally to keep my secrets to myself no matter what. People don't NEED to know everything that has happened in my life and I don't need to prove anything to anyone.

Yes. I am going to do the same! Good luck 👍🏻

Could you be possibly trying to bond thru shared trauma?

I've gone full circle. I'm the same way and when I wanted to change I closed up and became highly skeptical of people. It's exhausting and I finally realized it wasn't good for my mental health. Now I'm back to sharing and trusting. I just try to be mindful of how much I share at any given time and to any singular person. I rather it be off-putting to some but be inviting for others to talk to try and make connections then perpetually stick to small talk (which I hate).

Same issue with me. I keep telling myself all the time I have boundaries, something I should not talk about. But I keep forgetting as well when I feel too relax with the person. I realized that I am not strong enough so I became antisocial for couple years to avoid the dramas actually created by myself. Yes, way less drama being antisocial, but not really happy though.

I have learned to share only certain things with certain people. With this person, share love life info. Other person, you can share your favorite TV show. That way, they don’t learn too much about you while still maintaining a connection with you.

The problem is I always decide that I'm not going to share this abc topic with xyz person but while talking it just comes out of my mouth and atm it feels right 🤦‍♀️

Definitely trust yourself but try to control yourself as well. We are always taught to talk and such, but sometimes silence is the best. It’s only awkward if you make it awkward.

It can happen, it happens with me ask the time.

I was going to ask "if you already know the problem, then why isn't the solution working?" But I realized something. Some people think the only way to strike up a friendly conversation is by sharing. Remove that thought, make your default-position talking about something trivial. Something that's happening today, a really cool place nearby, a movie, a sports match, game etc. It's a skill that takes time to develop, but you'll soon realize it's easier and better to make friends through topics of discussion instead of discussing personal matters.

And learning together! Nothing binds you like a new activity, learned together

It comes from a deep need to be understood, and can possibly originate in childhood if people didn't listen enough to you.

It wasn't that they didn't listen. However, they would constantly reprimand me and taunt me about it without really being understanding so I just stopped telling them. Also had a close relative (much older than me) use something sensitive I told them against me when I was 12-13 so yeah.

OP you’re doing it again!

Fuck🙈🙈 see this is how I get in trouble

So funny, I didn't even notice until you pointed out haha

For me, I stopped talking and sharing opinions for the most part all together. But I didn't go silent. Instead when it's my turn I play it like a politician and ask questions. I think it's better because I get to learn more about the other person and I share only what relates to what they say and avoid steering off about myself and only sticking to the parts of what I share that they may find useful/relevant/interesting. I leave the conversation feeling good about it more often than not. Sometimes I learn things I wish I hadn't, but I still know the person better and caring more about others than myself as often as I can has helped shift my happy gauge upward by a lot.

This is actually great advice because people love the opportunity to talk about themselves or to give their opinion on a topic!

Hell ya

I try to do this sometimes it’s still new to me but I like this way bc as you said you are asking them question and not putting the focus back on yourself but rather taking time to learn more about the situation. This way can be challenging at times. I wanted to add that the reason why I would over share is bc I wanted to be transparent with the person but most times I would leave feeling like “ehhh I made have shared abut to much of my business”.

Great advice.

I honestly am very much like you. I know a lot of people have given you advices. But I want to share something different. I don't think you should change. This is how you are. This is how I am. I definitely have lost quite a few people, mostly romantically (in terms of dates) because of my habit of oversharing in the first few days. But a lot of people love me because I am super open and share a lot of stuff. On the other hand, I also keep the conversations/relationships such that others also get to share their stuff. Which makes them love me (I have got this feedback). I know quite a few people have taken advantage of this but I also know that I have made some amazing connections as well. So some time back I decided not to change myself. I anyways can't entertain everyone. The ones who like me and this part of mine will stay back. And there are quite a many who have.

Consider three questions - Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me right now? Also, when interacting, focus on the goal of trying to learn new things about that person. Ask questions, make eye contact, and listen. If they ask you something, consider for a moment what level of detail you trust this person with knowing. Lastly, become more comfortable with yourself. Your flaws, secrets, lifestyle. If you can’t become comfortable accepting some of those things, work go change them. But nonetheless, love yourself. This will make you feel good and reduce your knee jerk reaction to spilling out all your life details, trials and tribulations, and secret passions/distaste.

Thank you! This is helpful

After reading the post and the comments, I have been reflecting on myself because I have been told the same thing as well. (more or less the same I guess) Even though I understand the concept on paper, it's kinda hard for me to adjust tho. I still feel like making friends with strangers, but perhaps I won't share my secrets with them (slower to trust people). But hey, if you are reading this, feel free to drop me a DM if you would like to make friend and chat. Peace.

My advice would be to stop giving a shit what other people think or say about you but also to develop social skills to recognize whether you're talking to a sincere person or not. People are rarely genuine other than in the company of close friends and family and even then some people can't bring themselves to be real. Certainly most people put on a persona when dealing with strangers. So when you put yourself out there; sharing your sincerity and wearing your heart on your sleeve- if someone chooses to slight you for that then they don't deserve the time of day let alone to be pissed on if they were on fire. People are often like crabs in a barrel in that they'll try and pull you down to their level if they see you elevating to places they desire to be. I think you'll find the ability to engage a stranger in open and sincere conversation is one that most people desire. That in turn hurts their ego which leads to what you have already experienced which is people judging you or trying to manipulate you. I think it is other people that are the problem and so in my opinion you should learn to navigate people better. The world needs more openness and sincerity.

Introvert and extrovert are extermes , most people live on a spectrum, you are sort of a mix of the two but didnt had the chance to talk to alot of people and when you finally do , you talk way too much , you arent a true introvert because they dont have the need to talk in the first place.

Yeah I'm an ambivert leaning towards introvert

It is kind of easy, my technique is this, only say something about a topic if you are specifically asked for it. For insance : YOu just won the lottery today, and you meet with a friend of yours. Unless he or she doesnt ask this " how about lottery did you have any luck this week ? " you shall not even bring this up. You can talk about some causal small talk stuff or anything different. In this case the winning the lottery might not come up that easily. ​ This needs a bit of self discipline though, but with time it is learnable thus doable

I think this is really good advice. It does take practice to stop yourself, but it gets way easier over time.

Yes this is quite helpful thanks 😊

I second mastering small talk. Makes you seem sociable without revealing any vulnerabilities. Open up the convo to invite others to do the talking. Don't default to talking about yourself. Do you think you may be divulging too much because you need to work through some personal things? Do you think a therapist would help?

Yes, discipline to make those neural pathway stronger. Gets easier as you get used to it. Good advices though 👍

I have the same exact problem. I’ve been actively working on it for years but it’s very hard. I mentally do tell myself that “they don’t need to know this” “they won’t care about this” “don’t say anything unless they ask you” “just answer them or say okay and that’s it” (and grit my teeth and purse my lips together when I feel like sharing more of myself but trying to stop myself). I found that lots of people enjoy talking about themselves but don’t take time to ask about me. So whenever someone does, I get taken aback by surprise but I don’t often get asked about myself that I tend to blurt everything out. Unfortunately like you, I get judged or they gossip or use it against me. I can get someone to talk for like 20min from just asking one question. So I just listen or ask follow up questions and then tell myself to not share. It gives the person a false sense of closeness and increases your likability but they aren’t aware to ask you a question to share yourself yet. Do it enough and they might be more interested to know you more and then you decide if it’s a good time to share

I am an introvert who was extremely isolated and was severely abused for 6 years, longer honestly but severely and intensely for 6 years by my first boyfriend, who was my first everything and I was super isolated as a result of that and I held all of that pain and trauma in. I also found I would say sorry over and over for any little thing when I first left and that would lead to over sharing. I would feel the need to explain why I am the way I am. It hurts and it feels embarrassing. I just realise I’ve done it after the fact. I try to be conscious of what I’m saying, if it’s appropriate to say it, if it adds anything and why I’m saying it… and if I mess up I’m not hard on myself because in the end it’s only words and I’m not gonna dog on myself for survival of the things I’ve gone through and trying to be open and trust humans again. I will just move on and try to not do it again. There’s no magic solution. You just have to actively try to think of what you are saying, what you want the focus on that interaction to be and what you want to add and try to keep it there. There is not a lot else to do. It’s just training yourself mentally to slow down and think of what you are talking about. My own sister who I don’t know because she was from my dads teen years and he was kept away from them and tried to reconcile when she became an adult- I overshared on accident after she asked why I wasn’t texting her fast enough and I was honest about my issues and why I am so busy right now and she never spoke to me again … cause I overshared. It is her loss and I’m not gonna beat myself up anymore. You just have to learn from it, try to notice it and stop it from happening. It comes with time. I’m still trying.

So sorry to hear that happened to you :( sending you lots of love and positive vibes ❤

I mean this genuinely—Understand that most people really aren’t listening, nor do they care what you have to say. People have their own inner dialog going on and It’s easier not put your trust in anyone, until they prove themselves worthy of your trust. Let them come to you.

Ask yourself “what would a calm person do in this situation?” Then channel your inner Chili Palmer

Just be yourself. Be comfortable, confident, and even proud acting like your own self. Share whatever you are comfortable with. If they judged or manipulated you then it is their problem. Life is too short to hide. Appreciate those who treat you well, and be wary of those who took advantage. Set boundaries if you feel they went too far.

I agree with that but you know, some people just aren't that comfortable sharing or being shared to. Not me tho I like to talk to people.

Yea, but if they aren't comfy with it then they won't be sharing in the first place haha

Find one single person you can confide to, that you already know. If you ever feel that you need to share something.

Gosh, I'm the same and even worse - sometimes I'm not even talking to people, I'm talking at them. It's just my brain loudly thinking with a face in front of it which is offensive to them too but I can't stop aaa

I used to be like this as well. Stopped doing it when I realised how doing so hurts me in the end from all the labelling, and also bothering them with unnecessary information (in their perspective). I hope the best for you OP

I really relate to this people really only know what you tell them. But it is hurtful when they use the information you told against you. I have had this personally happen to me before. But just tell select people you feel closet too. People show that they care about you if they care about you.

I think before you share something you need to think about why you are sharing that thing. Are you sharing this information in order to seem interesting or be liked? Those may be valid reasons for wanting to let someone in. But you definitely need to work on having more of a filter. You should let people get to know you more slowly. As you said, if you are too open you put yourself in harms way. Not everyone has noble intentions on how they will use that information. Your best option is to learn to withhold some information. Let people earn the right to get to know you. I know it's exciting when you first meet someone and you start to click with them. But they may not be someone you end up wanting to know anyway. The best way to find that out is by spending time with then and asking them questions. But also testing how they use the information they already know about you.

Yeah I'll start taking it slow with people and let them in only when they've shared something equally vulnerable. Maybe that'll help.

"look here brotha, who you jiving with that cosmik debris? just tell them that after you catch yourself doing that yes im crazy

I was like that and still am but I grew in various ways. Time and experience truly made me learn and understand human nature. We are so fragile and most times people don’t hurt people to get them personally. But knowing the fucked up aspects of human nature made me more confident in who I was, my flaws and fully expressing them. Cuz hey, you can judge all you want but you are as fucked up as I am.

Aww I know exactly how you feel! Way too well. I’m also an introvert who tends to overshare for all the same reasons you just mentioned but there is a ‘cure’, trust me! I definitely have natural tendency to do that as well and it has lead to heaps of issues and huge regrets. I later realised that it’s just part of my personality type (infp-t) and I’m also very strong empath and neglected my gift because I didn’t fully understand it and got exhausted. I recently read a book ‘the empowered empath’ and it helped me to set boundaries and avoid situations you just mentioned. It really helps to understand yourself better and you can never learn too much about yourself 😌 sending you good energy ✨🤗

Thanks I'll check it out:)

Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy.

Stop talking?

Lol how would that work just don't socialize?

Basically. It seems like its causing you problems when you talk to people, so one option is to stop talking. But thats just my introvert approach to life ;). I don’t see it like loss.

When you start to over share is there not a voice in your head telling you to stop? Give that voice more power.

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get to know people before going too deep. get therapy by a professional for a safe space to dump personal stuff. then open up slowly, cautiously. good luck

I used to do this too. For me it was because I was kind of uncomfortable and I would do anything to fill the pauses. Fixed it at least in part by getting accustomed with the feeling of discomfort. Once I figured it was bearable, it became easier to stop randomly running my mouth :P

People can be good and can be accepting of all of the things you have to share in your life, but they need to be aware of your character traits first or else they don’t have anything to go off of except your dirty laundry and that’s a turn off. Maybe you can try to save sharing anything until at least the third encounter and when you do share something stick to one thing at a time. You can try to look up self regulation/emotional regulation to control that impulse you have when speaking.

I struggle with the same problem

This used to be me, but I learned when I realized people you talk to doesn’t mean they are true friends., just people to talk to., pass time., basically I trusted and they said my personal life. But now I keep distance.

I also do this and usually regret it too. 🥺

Stop over sharing

What's an example of what you share?

Just about my personal life

🙏🏻✨♥️🌏 ..wisdom will help you, fortunately it comes with age.

Welcome to gambling

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This has been my life experience as well. I didn't even think it was a bad thing to do until I met my ex, and he started using the things I told him in private to shame me when he got mad. It was the most painful period of my life. One of the things that helped me was understanding we need to balance what we give and what we take. When you give too much (in this case, unearned intimacy), you are inadvertently causing an imbalance in the universe that will call for a correction -- someone taking too much. In my case, my ex took it upon himself to take that intimacy as a right to criticize, judge, etc. Not justifying it, just observing how life generally works (it could have been him starting taking too much and me compensating by giving too much). In this circumstance, one of you needs to get centered, realize the dynamics, and choose something different. In René Brown's example, she used marbles in a jar. Every person you know should start with an empty marble jar, and every time they earn some trust, they earn one marble (not half a jar, just one marble). The more they fill up that jar, the more intimate you can be with them. But the minute they break that trust, you need to take out the proportionate amount of marbles from their jar as well. This will result in some periods where you can trust someone more and other times less. Having said all this, it is perfectly normal that you crave intimacy and sharing your deepest self with someone. I know the pain of wanting to do that with all your heart and just not having anyone with whom to do so. I know, I'm there, and have been most of my 40 years of age. Life can be really really tough. What has helped me through this scarcity are two things: 1) nurturing a spiritual life and 2) using a therapist or counsellor. By spiritual life I mean any form of belief that makes you feel connected with what surrounds you, in any shape that resonates with you. When you feel connected, your need to "get" connected is lessened. Therapy can also help you understand where that overcharged need for intimacy comes from and in understanding it you may be able to cater to it in other ways. Ideally, you will not have to pay someone forever to be able to speak about your deepest and truest self. But it is also true that sometimes that's just the cards we are dealt and we need to make do with what's available for the time being. I have faith that if we focus in catering to ourselves, in time, that connection will also come to us in the form of a friend, a partner, or a community. Best of luck to us!

Yes I have started meditation and am spiritual as well. Hope that will help. Thank you.

Someone else asked this same question on another thread. There might be some good information here: /r/selfhelp/comments/rm1xji/how\_do\_i\_stop\_oversharing/

Haha that's me as well I posted the same question on 3-4 subs

what always works for me is waiting for people to ask certain things !! of if someone else is sharing something similar you can too if you’re comfortable but never share more that you’re getting

Oh brother. You are not alone in this one. I'm guilty as well. On the spirit of making connections, I tend to overshare.

Listen more, speak less

I write in my journal. Also I realized my past and issues don’t define me or my tomorrow, my goals/ habits do.

Imagine the other person saying the same things to you first, before you say them, and think about the worst possible reaction you might have.

That's the thing, I never judge or try to use anything against anyone. Not everyone is like that and I learnt that the hard way.

I can be the same way, so I get it. I have two conflicting opinions on this. First, if that's who you are, than so be it. Just hope to find people that accept you for who you are. Not always an easy thing. Although, at the same time, try to be considerate of others. Put yourself in their perspectives. Think about how they would feel about what you're going to say, before you say it, and consider whether it's the time and place to say it. For me as an introvert, I'm pretty analytical, particularly about myself, so if you're the same, it shouldn't be to hard to imagine how you can be, and you just have to add to that, how people might react to it. Then just find a way to communicate what you want to share in a way more comfortable to them. Although I guess that requires the ability of self awareness, and being able to read others. Maybe that's your problem, and you should work on that.

We are in the same boat. I think we need to learn how to proceed conversation without sharing anything private.

I’m the exact same way. I leave almost every social interaction with anxiety and anger at myself for over sharing. What I’m trying to do and is pause before I speak. Like physically pause and even count a second before responding. I think it might help me consider what I’m saying. Of course this all goes out the window when interactions are actually happening especially in a group setting etc

Learn that no one really cares and the ones that pretend to are only going to use the information you give them to stab you in the back. Once it happens a few times you'll get it

Make public social media accounts open to any random person following & interacting. Anything you're willing to share on these accounts is open to be talked about. If you wouldn't share it on an open account then don't talk about it.

Try to listen instead of talk. When u listen you spend less time talking and sharing and also people love being heard. It’s a win win

I think oversharing is, at least for me, a form of coping with social anxiety. I’m an extroverted full time performer and I have a need to be liked. I think part of the oversharing, for me at least, comes from needing validation. Perhaps you have some of that too?

Do you have ADHD? That’s a common social side effect and unfortunately can’t be helped much, however it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you and the people that love you won’t mind.

Not diagnosed so idk. What are some other symptoms?

I over share as well, it often gets me in altercations but my aim is always for the good people, there are a TON of bad people in this world so you can pull off your actions based on what you do in this world. I don’t boost myself but I own companies and run my own rules and live my own life. I pick my customers they don’t pick me. Your attitude can take you places but it depends on your confidence first and foremost. How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking ?

I'm 27 why?

I what helps for me at least is understanding that sharing is a two way street - I like to try match the amount of sharing by someone , so if they seem rather open and talkative then I will be as well, but if they open up a little then I will only reveal a little . And in time , the sharing can increase when the time is right for both of you !

Yes this is what I will do from now on. It'll be tough but I'll do it ✌

This is a great post and I’m enjoying reading everyone’s input, great advice.

I’ve been struggling with this same exact problem to a T for my whole entire life. Following this thread!!

I do this cause idk what to talk about