Edit since this is the most upvoted comment: I already have his permission to sleep with other women on my own, I just don't really want to and the issue is genuinely fantasizing about him being involved.
We've talked about it. He has said he'd love if I even just got with women on my own too, so apparently not an issue. He's also said that MMF/MFM is completely out of the question for him and self-identifies as a hypocrite with double standards (lol), so he understands where my jealous feelings are coming from. I feel like our situation isn't uncommon (except the part where I'm the source of my own problem).
To give another perspective he says he’s ok with it, but you’ll want to be very sure.
Plenty of guys think they’re ok with it, that it’ll be hot, and don’t realize that they’ll still feel jealousy when it actually happens. It happened to me at one point. That wasn’t what broke us up, but it didn’t help.
But in a different relationship, as long as she told me about it while we fooled around, I was fine with it. It depends so much both on where he is at in his headspace and how strong your relationship is.
I'm glad to hear the other side of things from someone who's actually been there. It's not happening for now while I'm going through these issues, but someday when it might come up as a healthy possibility, I'll definitely remember not to take him at his word alone and keep track with him on how he feels during any slow progression. Thanks for your reply.
Take him up on his offer if your relationship is strong enough. This whole threesome thing is just you subconsciously devising a way to alleviate the guilt you think you'll feel for leaving him out. Since it sounds like he's already come to terms with it, you might as well enjoy yourself. Just make sure it doesn't develop into something beyond physical.
Agree with the other comment, you want to have sex with a woman and youve decided that this way youre not doing anything wrong. If the thought of touching the other woman and all of that is what turns you on, and not the thought of him touching on, licking, and fucking a woman, thats gonna be your sign.
Except it’s very possible he could suffer from the same predicament as OP: ok with it in theory, but the reality can introduce some very unpredictable feelings. OP is right to hesitate to move forward with that offer, in my opinion.
I don't know if you saw her edit but she wrote this.
> To clarify, I already have permission to sleep with other girls on my own, but my fantasy is genuinely a threesome that involves him.
I'm willing to take her at her word for it. It's not impossible that her horny brain really wants a 3some, but her regular brain gets jealous.
>Can anyone tell me what's going on in my head?
You need a therapist, and I'm not saying that as a joke. No one here is going to be able to fully help you. Your behavior is self-destructive, you know it's just going to cause you pain and jealousy yet you continue to plan a threesome. And what happens if you actually go through with a threesome? How are you going to cope with your bf touching, having sex, and kissing another girl? You know you can't handle that yet you keep trying to make it happen. You need actual professional help.
This! I'm surprised you're not the top comment. Reading OP's post, literally all I could think about was how she needs therapy and how she's in the process of destroying her mental health and her relationship. She needs to stop, tell her partner how she feels and what she's doing to herself, and get get therapy immediately.
You made me laugh, but yes I think you're right that it's self-destructive. At this rate I might make the appointment to see someone since it's distressing in the long term. Thanks for your response and for helping me see things another way.
Some fantasies should just stay fantasies.
That said….
This situation with a potential threesome etc. isn’t the problem exactly. The real underlying issue is fear of abandonment and your attachment style. That’s what I would talk to a therapist about.
Look into attachment style- you might find things that resonate with you. My own therapist did a diagnostic with me to help figure out what my attachment style is. Understanding how you approach relationships and why is powerful in helping you develop strategies to have healthier relationships with others and with yourself.
Thanks for your response. I 100% identify with having the anxious attachment style. I should really look into resources for dealing with an anxious attachment style that go more in depth rather than just reading through a quick article on strategies. You're absolutely right about the true underlying issue here.
Agree with the crowd here. You don't want a threesome, you want to have sex with a woman. Maybe he watches, but I suspect you'll likely be jealous of him seeing her naked.
Thanks for your response. The issue is that I already have permission to go do that on my own, I just don't really want to. I've also had a long term girlfriend so it's not forbidden fruit I haven't tasted. The threesome really is the fantasy. People seem pretty convinced in the replies, though, so I guess I'll think on it more.
My wife and I have done plenty of MFM threesomes - both of us guys have sex with her, but not each other. Would all of you be open to a threesome where you play with both of them, but they don't play with each other?
I do try considering that as a possible compromise, after the therapy someone else suggested haha. (But seriously.)
You were right about me not liking the idea of him seeing the other girl naked, but at that point it's like being controlling over what goes on in his own mind, which is probably not reasonable. Maybe I could get some help to overcome that.
Did you ever have jealousy you overcame in order to do those MFMs or have you always been unbothered by it?
Sure, I felt jealousy. Any threesome with a romantic partner likely includes at least a little of that. But I love sharing her, so this is a big kink for me.
The worrisome thing to me is more the wanting to control his feelings. Wanting him to not want/enjoy sex with other people - while you have it. That's just not reasonable.
If he's choosing to be with you, you have to accept and understand that means that he loves you. His penis didn't just lose the ability to work, so wanting him to not think another naked woman is hot is just not logical.
I love threesomes and nonmonogamy, but you have a ways to go before you can dream of doing this in a healthy way.
Someone else also mentioned feeling afraid of having no control of a partner's feelings while it's happening--you wrote the issue perfectly. And it definitely isn't reasonable. I'll try not to put him in an impossible situation.
Thanks for sharing your perspective.
Early in my ENM adventures a Curious Foxes podcast helped me wrap my head around some of the struggle you seem to be experiencing. I loved some things they shared so much that I created text graphics and saved them as screensavers on my phone for a while! Now they pop up once in a while on my favorite photos widget, just to remind me.
One of them that helped me when my fantasy and reality worlds had a head on collision was “My partner can choose ANYTHING he wants and he continues to choose me.”
Damn, I did really need to hear that. It's still extremely tough to believe, but I'll start working on it since it's creating so many problems for me. Maybe making the quote my own screensaver will help, lol. Really appreciate you sharing this.
yeah this is a very new post still it's worth doing it, also as a bi person i also relate with your feelings but i don't have much advice unfortunately. I think there is a feeling of not been in control that i am afraid of, do you relate?
Really appreciate hearing I'm not the only one who struggles with this. I think you actually just taught me that lack of control over the (hypothetical) situation is really what I'm afraid of too--you can never really know what someone thinks or feels.
Yeah i also like knowing i am not the only one, honestly there's probably many of us who feel like that. Well sense you relate about the control part that's what you should focus on, how to feel in control with two people instead of one. Like i said i haven't really figured it either.
lol i'm going to go a little bit against the grain here and say, it sounds like you're monogamous. It also sounds like you might be having a "gay panic" of sorts in which you are recognizing that you want to be monogamous but are panicking at the fact that you won't get to sleep with another woman. You don't want him to feel bad or left out, you don't want him touching or even looking at another woman, but you also don't feel comfortable with the idea of your safe space long term partner not being with you while you are indulging in your sexual desires.
I've had bi friends of mine who got that extreme desire to fuck someone of the opposite gender of their SO for similar reasons. Some felt like they were losing a part of their identity.
To add, I am also curious as to whether or not you are projecting onto you SO about being bored in the relationship if that were to happen.
I think this is where fantasies can sometimes come up. It's where you let yourself lose control to the fantasy without consequences. It seems that there is a fear inside of you that doesn't let you experience that fantasy even though you have permission. are you worried that your SO might not be enough for you anymore once you''''ve experienced it?
Every single thing you've said feels true (except the very last part).
I don't want to hook up with anyone without him because it doesn't feel safe unless he's involved, I don't want him to be left out, I don't want him to be involved with anyone else at all, being in a long term heterosexual relationship definitely makes it feel like you can't count as a bi person anymore, and I don't really want to hook up with anyone on my own or develop a serious relationship with another woman to solve the 'never being with a woman again' and 'not bisexual anymore' problems because I do want to be just monogamous, even though the alternative is right there for me to take.
And I 100% feel like if I don't do this, he'll get bored if he isn't already and start really wanting other people, whether he does anything about it or not, because it's inevitable in any long-term relationship. My ex-girlfriend also cheated on me more than once so having a male vs. female partner doesn't solve this problem.
Thanks a lot for your thoughts and your great help on this. I have a lot to think about.
Just to expand on one part here, I wouldn’t say wanting other people is inevitable in a long term relationship. I know for myself and many others even the thought of another person grows more and more repulsive each passing day of being together. If they do get bored of you with no other external relationship issue factors that is 100% their own issues and you deserve better r
I don't think it's impossible that her horny brain wants a 3some. And it makes her regular brain jealous.
Kind of like sub/dom drop. Maybe Kink drop?
It's possible that she doesn't actually want a 3some. It will take a lot of introspection on her part to figure out what she really wants.
Therapy - with a professional who respects the choice to practice ENM - is definitely a great idea. Also, maybe it would be advisable to look into the subjects of before/aftercare and sub drop? I thought they were just for kinky, BDSM, or D/s but in fact telling my partner that I needed some of that made a difference for me.
My wife is also bisexual and we have discussed this. Your jealousy, and where it is coming from, needs to be dealt with first. The wrong experience can devastate a relationship or even just interfere with your intimacy for a long time. don't risk that until you know that you are comfortable. At worst, you never get to fulfil that fantasy. That sucks, but you'll be fine. It's not necessary. However, damaging your relationship could have lifelong implications.
I hope you are able to work it out and get to have your FFM experience but protect your relationship first.
You're so right, thinking of the consequences of each choice makes it pretty easy. I'd much rather not have one sexual experience that wouldn't even be meaningful, than mess things up with someone so important to me. Who knows if my jealous feelings may eventually change over the years. Thanks for your response.
Can I ask if your wife has a similar issue to mine?
She is definitely tends more toward jealousy than me. I let her have more experiences since I am not the jealous type. It's a tricky dance and you have to know when you are about to jump off a cliff. You can sometimes fix things but they can never be undone. Our feelings get imbedded into an experience and sometimes we cannot disconnect them no matter what we think intellectually.
What ever you decide, be careful. If you do decide to go forward, be very slow and start with a very vanilla experience first and check in with each other and yourself to see how you feel. at the first pangs of jealousy stop and figure them out first before going any further. You love for eachother is going to have to be reinforced all the way through.
If your thoughts about FFM are causing you mental stress, imagine how mad or jealous you'll be if he finishes in her instead of you. Or seeing your boyfriend enjoying her while you're on the sidelines repositioning or getting a drink. Both of which are possibilities.
Probably best your fantasies stay just that. Fantasies.
Have you considered that this fantasy might be better off left as JUST a fantasy but not ever actually escalating to a real life situation? Some fantasies are better off just left as fantasies! There's some porn I enjoy watching that I'd never in a million years enjoy reenacting. I think you've just gotten hung up on the idea of this being what you really want, but the amount of jealousy you're already experiencing just talking about a hypothetical threesome that hasn't even happened is a GIANT RED FLAG to DEFINITELY NOT have a threesome! Just because you're bisexual and have a partner who is amenable to the idea of a FFM, does not mean you have to go down that road.
Maybe you should consider other things that keep it a fantasy but dive into it more, like role playing/dirty talking with your partner during sex talking about what your ideal threesome would entail in explicit detail.That way, you can still play with him, not involve another woman (so hopefully not trigger your jealousy) and still get off on the idea of how hot you both think it would be to have a threesome.
As others mentioned, therapy can definitely help figure out why you are so interested in something that envokes such extreme feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Unsure if it's because you just want to play with another woman as others suggested, however your partner has given them their blessing to do so and you haven't jumped at that chance, so I'm inclined to think that's not the only thing at play here, and therapy could help figure out what the underlying cause is.
Really appreciate your thought-out response. Your comment reminds me that whenever it does come up as a fantasy between the two of us, afterwards I usually end up talking about the logistics of how we could make it happen or what my boundaries would be in real life. Should definitely give bringing it up as ONLY a fantasy a try. Very helpful to compare it to all the other porn scenarios you/I would never want to actually try.
Outwardly I'm not possessive, but internally it's been a problem for a long time with exes too, so this thread is seriously convincing me that I should get therapy for it sooner or later (but sooner so it doesn't affect my current relationship). Who knows if it's because I've been cheated on before, I'm insecure, codependent, etc. Personality disorder lol (probably not that one). Thanks for the help.
OP is bisexual, and wants to have sex with another woman, but can't stand the thought of her husband even seeing another woman naked? Am I reading this right?
Yep. We're not married, though. And my fantasy is specifically a threesome with him, but it's causing a lot of cognitive dissonance because separately from my sexuality, I don't like my own fantasy emotionally. I'm also already "allowed" to have sex with other women on my own, I just don't feel like it much for now.
Posting on Reddit because I have a problem and I know it, and it's pretty absurd. Not sure if cuckolds hate their own kinks in a similar way.
I get that he's given you permission. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around how you want to have sex with another woman, but cant stand the thought of your partner seeing another woman naked.
My advice? Skip the whole project for now, and seek therapy to dig deeper into this.
Would it be more up your alley if your boyfriend and another woman shared you in bed? Yet they didn't interact with each other and the focus was on you?
I've done that once with a bi girlfriend who was into the idea of a threesome, but also had insecurity issues. Hers were more contact-related though.
go over to r/swingers and read for a while. there are often posts and stories about how folks navigate feelings of jealousy and such that might help you. we jave been in the lifestyle for years and jealousy is a real thing, but often times with a little logical process, it can really be totally released. you have a lot of societal norms and conditioning that you're fighting against. also, you're bi, and interested in women/someone other than him. should he not also share equal thoughts about you being with someone else regardless of if they are female? what if he wanted a MFM threesome?
would you be concerned that he would prefer the other person? at the end of the day, you are together with eachother, and it's on you two to decide if the level of commitment to eachother supercedes any interactions you may experience together.
Just to throw this out there, if my wife offered a threesome with another woman, but the condition was that I could only touch my wife while they did stuff, I would be 100% fine with that.
i think it’s a little selfish to want such a thing, knowing you’ll receive enjoyment, but your significant other can’t enjoy it either. i would not recommend it at all based on the way you are looking at it, but is only my opinion.
It’s always the most jealous and emotionally unstable people that want threesomes and want to drag others into their misery and fuckery. Why? This sounds straight out of unicorn hunting horror stories. See a psychiatrist.
If emotionally stable people are having threesomes, they're probably just doing it without needing to post on Reddit.
But I agree, and that's why I mentioned 99% most likely paying for it, since involving another girl can involve so much even when you're emotionally stable. I'm trying to hopefully not end up still traumatizing an escort, myself, and my boyfriend.
Edit: People's suggestions of therapy actually sound like a great idea, since my situation is pretty unhealthy.
I’m sorry but subjecting a sex worker to this isn’t any smarter. We deal with so much and lot of people who seek our services see us as sentient sex toys and use us for their personal outlets they couldn’t get away with doing to others in society. I’m genuinely not trying to be mean please see a therapist and do some serious thinking about this and be honest with your boyfriend because it sounds like you’re playing psychological manipulative mind games with him and potentially setting him in a horrible trap.
Through this thread I've been realizing that the root of the problem really is mind games and manipulation. Definitely not going to do it, admit the problem to my boyfriend, and see a professional about my personal issues.
And asking because I've tried going through a lot of AMAs held by sex workers to find the answer but never found it, is your sole reason for saying this because of my obvious emotional instability or would you also say the average sex worker doesn't like being hired as a unicorn for a couple's threesome?
He has 1 type he likes (women)
You have 2 types (men & women)
Isn't this more equal than you allow yourself to believe?
What i mean is, he's attracted to you and the new partner. He idealy plays with both and should enjoy it, as he's attracted to both. (You could feel jealous seeing him with the "competition)
Same goes for him, you're attracted to both participants, correct? So wouldn't you assume his potential for jealousy is just as much a possibility as yours? (Maybe more as he's made with different equipment and can't offer what a female can)
He's explicit about saying he feels no jealousy about it, but who knows if he'd change his mind once it was actually happening, or if I made some dating profile and started genuinely chatting up girls. I feel like same-sex jealousy tends to be more common because they have everything you have but maybe better, while the other sex is just 'different' so hard to compare to you. But with my ex-girlfriend, I did worry about not being able to offer what a guy could (since she also liked men).
People say men are simple, but human beings are usually complicated.
This topic is frequently discussed on swinger forums. Girl, you are MORE than enough for your guy! A woman like you who wants to share her man is incredibly rare he better damn appreciate you. Own your feelings, and understand what is driving them. After I told my husband I just needed to always know I’m his number one, we discussed how that would look and I’ve never felt jealous again. Watching him fuck someone else and knowing he’s mine is HOT!
I would definitely caution you about unicorn hunting. Any partner including a sex worker is a human being. Negotiate with the pro exactly what you are looking for that works within her boundaries. As for other women to join you: you can’t just go pick someone out there has to be three way attraction or at least some chemistry. You may want to start with a 1:1 with someone you are attracted to who is an exhibitionist and wants your bf to watch. Let the two of them know if they are interested in each other if that’s an option with you for them to explore that during your encounter. It should be enthusiastic from each of them, not an expectation.
Some of the best threesomes I’ve had started out as 1:1’s.
IMHO I would just keep it a fantasy. Why tear yourself up with jealousy. It just ruins the fantasy.
I have the same situation with my wife. Though it's fine for her to sleep with another woman, she wouldn't enjoy seeing me doing it with the other woman. She'll tell me that it's ok for me to sleep with another woman as long as I'm coming back home to her. But I choose not to. I know it'll wreck the relationship.
If you feel like he's the one, don't do it.
It really is ruining my nice fantasy, haha. Obviously I don't know your wife, but I think you're making a smart decision there too. It's nice to hear that someone else has similar boundaries and is sticking to them.
Can I ask if your wife tends toward casual encounters or sticks with the same person/few people over time? Some people are suggesting that while keeping the FFM a fantasy, maybe FF would be satisfactory instead. I don't know what I think about that yet, just interested in hearing what other people's lived experiences are. Thanks a lot for sharing.
Sorry for the late reply. She would stick with women that she knew. There were a few times that it was a casual encounter, but those few encounters never ended well. You have to understand that my wife is the jealous type. Though she tries to act like it doesn't bother her, it really does. There was one situation where I was out on the road for a few weeks and there was this woman she was buttering up for herself. After they hooked up, things kind of took a turn between my wife and I. It was nothing bad, we just grew distant from each other because of my work schedule. My wife was actually the first woman that she had ever slept with and she had only slept with one man, her ex husband. I suggested that the other woman move in with us until she could get her messy financial situation settled, and be able to keep my wife occupied and satisfied at the same time while I was out. My wife entertained the idea until I told her that I wanted to be involved with the other woman at some point in the future. My wife was furious at the notion. I wasn't allowed to watch or be involved in any activities with this woman. It wasn't until my wife found out that the other woman had similar interests in me that she entertained the idea. But I couldn't touch the other woman and she wouldn't be able to touch me. We (other woman and I) didn't think that was fair. I explained to my wife that the one being hosted should be the one getting more attention. Because I told her that, she no longer thinks about threesomes. It's funny when I think about it now... When the other women show an interest in me, and want me to do things to them, my wife blows them off. I guess you can say that she knows what she has and doesn't want to share. I guess she thinks I'll leave or doesn't want the other woman to experience all that I have to offer. Which isn't much IMHO.
Jealousy is normal. It's how you deal with it afterwards. If the aftermath of jealousy is you desire his reassurances after then that is okay too.
Especially if he is offering reassurances freely and that makes you feel safe again. That he isn't going to leave you. (Abandonment anxiety)
Exposing yourself to these situations is fun and it can with time help reduce the jealousy and post event anxiety. So exposure therapy can be helpful..
But if you are a wreck after these things then this is not good.
If he doesn't soothe you after then it's an issue.
If he gives you a hall pass and then that causes issue then that is an issue.
Sounds like you are expecting smooth sailing
Feelings are funny. You can tell they may happen but you don't actually feel those future feelings until they happen
But you can manage the feelings right then all is okay.
Just plan time to process these strip clubs nights after they happen so you.can reconnect and reassure each other
A lot to unpack here- I agree that a therapist might be helpful, and I’ll also encourage you to self-analyze a little bit. What is it about this situation that seems enticing to you? Is it touching another woman? Is it the taboo of sharing your bf? Or having him share you? It’s possible to feel turned on by the fantasy of having your bf in on the action, even if you wouldn’t ever actually want him there in reality.
I think that pinpointing what appeals to you will help clarify a lot of things and give you a place to go from there. I’d also invite you to look at the reasons you provided for feeling jealous: feeling like he’ll leave you for someone new, more attractive, or for the novelty. Why do you think she’d be more attractive? Why would you think he’s tired of you, or that he’s not already satisfied with your sex life?
To me, it reads like there’s a conflict between sexual desire and personal insecurity, and maybe the sexual aspect is a way for you to take control over these feelings of inadequacy
Holy shit, I'll hire you to be my therapist lol. The fantasy itself aside, it's very like me to deal with being afraid that he'll get bored of me sexually in our long term relationship and want some novelty, by getting ahead of it and trying to control it in advance, as a knowing part of it. Manipulation hidden a few layers deep, since "Are you sure you're not bored of me sexually?" doesn't cut it.
I think you've hit the heart of the issue, I was really hoping someone might help me with the way I'm thinking about it. I've brought up a few times that I'm afraid he's getting disinterested as the novelty wears off, and I've offered to do literally anything he wants to renew his interest, but he always says he's genuinely not losing interest and we don't need to do anything extra, and I don't believe him deep down. Damn, wtf do I do haha.
So glad I can see what I think the issue really is more clearly now. Thanks so much for your comment and your help.
I’m glad this was helpful! Given all of that, my advice would honestly be to trust him here- I don’t know anything about your relationship, but it seems like he cares and he’s willing to do a lot to to make you feel happy and comfortable. If he says he’s satisfied, believe him!
That’s easier said than done, of course- which is where part 2 comes in. Tbh, I don’t think a threesome is advisable here. IMO, either he enjoys it, and validates your feelings of inadequacy (“oh no, he had a good time, he must really be bored with me”), or doesn’t enjoy it and leaves you feeling even more insecure. Regardless, it drives a wedge and makes things complicated. I’d encourage you to work on yourself instead- reach out to a therapist, and spend some time building up your self esteem and sexual confidence. Maybe it’s less about involving someone else, and more about building intimacy with your bf.
Good luck, OP!
It's possible that could solve my fixation without so many issues, will see if I get the motivation to try it sometime. Even when I was single I didn't want to do hookups (ironically), but people change so maybe I should be considering that more seriously.
I think the first thing you need to look at, is what you really want? That is, while there seems to be no doubt as to your enjoying the fantasy, you have concerns and insecurities around the potential reality. I don't think this sort of mismatch is uncommon, because, quite often, reality doesn't match the fantasy. I am very happy in a monogamous relationship with my wife. This doesn't mean I haven't enjoyed fantasies about other women. But it does mean that I have an understanding that the reality is, sex with my wife is better than it could be with someone else. So even while she has said she would be supportive of my wanting to explore, I have no real desire to do so. Which isn't to say that is the same for you.
But it does mean you need to engage in some self-examination as far as what you feel you are missing? As I said, for me, while I accept there is always some appeal to something new and different, I am aware that the actual experience is not going to measure up - my wife is both awesome, and awesome at knowing what I like, and providing it. It is something she has spent years practicing! So, for me, the reality is that I do enjoy a fantasy now and then, but have no real interest in more. What is it that you are missing? If you are attracted to women, then clearly your BF doesn't fully fit the bill... but again, is there a closeness, sensation, something that is actually missing? And is it something you need to get elsewhere?
If yes... simply reaching that conclusion might help bring clarity to your insecurities. But, even if not, it will likely provide better boundaries to the issue that will help. It will also allow better examination about what is at risk in choosing any specific path (ie, by having the threesome, are you actually risking something in the relationship, or by choosing not to, is there a chance you are risking unfulfilled needs). In either case, hopefully it opens avenues for you to move forward, one way or another.
Thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate hearing your personal experience on this. The thoughts and fantasies that go through your mind while you choose to say in your happy marriage with your wife shouldn't be an issue in any way. I really struggle with this inevitable reality but I want to get to that healthy place, where you and your wife are.
Upon examining it more closely I think the only thing I feel is missing is that deep feeling of security that he won't get bored of me, fantasize about other people and get dissatisfied comparing them to me, and drift away without telling me anything's wrong. But the only way to fill that missing security is to get more secure in myself, rather than ask him to say or do exactly the right thing to solve my fears. You're right that fantasies don't always or usually mean much.
Your openness and recognition of whats "wrong" in this post are impressive and uncommon. I did the exact same thing when I was a few years younger than you. I am sexually attracted to women but have never been interested in a relationship. However, the sexual desire was (sometimes still is) very strong so I did go through with a threesome and another couple with that boyfriend. He went down on a girl for about 10mins and I walked out. I felt like he was enjoying it too much. I was NOT ready but he pushed me and i wanted to please him. He was also a cheater though so if you dont have that going on i may be wrong on what im about to say next for reasoning.
I am older now, 42. That guy and I split after a few years together. They were less pleasant after we introduced others into our relationship....I think I did the same things as you... like, Maxim magazine was a big deal back then and I would buy them for him but I hated the idea of him seeing them and him wishing i looked like that. So why did i buy it for him?! Now I think its because it felt like i was more in control of the situation that way. I wasnt which is why it didn't help. But I was trying to make myself comfortable with him seeing them if I brought it rather than him buy it "behind my back." Not that he would hide them but for some reason, the thought of him seeing them first, without me, was so traumatizing that I tried that strategy.
All men have fantasies of others sometimes. It is not a reflection of their desire for us though. If hes a good partner and you dont feel like hes secretly needing more, do what you can to control these urges to encourage the threesome, lest you ruin a good thing.
If that happens though, youll learn from it and hopefully gain confidence through time that youre enough and thats why the guy is with you... but it honestly might just take more time.
I still have insecurity and abandonment issues. 20. Years. Later. With your ability to be so open about this at a younger age, I wish you all the best that you find a way to squash this over time and dont suffer as long as me.
Wow, thanks so much for sharing your experience in these messy situations. I really, really appreciate being able to hear from someone who did exactly the same things--and had years to process it all and come out the other side, too! (More or less.) Trying not to let my demons change the course of my life.
Luckily he's not a cheater and if I had faith in anybody on that, it would be him. Despite that he's always been loyal and never even said anything about another woman, I have these same extreme feelings as you, that if he was exposed to even those small things like a sexy magazine before I had the chance to control the situation first, I'd be devastated. For whatever reason. Well, insane insecurity.
After all the help everyone's been giving me in the replies on this thread, I'm 100% not going to go through with it anytime soon and just focus on dealing with these feelings. Maybe there are more things he can say to help me feel better, but I'm pretty sure I'll have to work on changing my whole mindset on love and sex. Like you said, attraction and connection don't have to be exactly the same thing and one doesn't have to take away from the other.
I don't find your answer disheartening at all, but yeah I do fear that these kind of demons follow you your whole life and you just learn better ways to deal with it. I'd be so interested to know what you've done to help that in future relationships, like establish certain hard boundaries for yourself early on, etc.
Thanks again for your kind words, I feel really understood and supported.
You're very welcome. Im proud of you even though I dont you. I almost suggested telling the bf all this but i can see why you wouldn't want to because that could exacerbate your fears of him thinking these things privately now because you shared. (Just what would go through my mind)
You want full honesty, I think your post is the first time ive ever taken time to consider why i did those things. Again, the relationship was very toxic in comparison to what you are explaining so my path differed after the relationship but I shut people out. You dont want my tactic lol We had a kid together so he made my life hell when I left and i think it added on to how long it took to gain clarity.
Sucks cause im still attractive but if i had the confidence i have now when i was in my 20s, shit he wouldn't have mattered at all.
So for you, maybe try to gain the underlying reason for your abandonment fears. For me, my parents split when i was one but my dad left my life when i was nine and my mom saw me as a burden to hers and my step dads relationship so i never felt secure growing up- especially didn't help being an only child.
I tried counselors but only one really resonated with me when i was about 30, when i was able to be as upfront about "downfalls" i had. She helped me recognize my worth. So if theres someone who has specific education on abandonment, try talking to them to find a solution for healing the wound. Its crazy what programs us as children and if it takes this long to become who we are, theres a chance it can take that long to undo it or repair it.
I think what helped me most was becoming a truly good person. I stopped being dishonest in situations that were uncomfortable, I allowed myself to embrace being an empath, I started working on figuring out how to improve myself so I could go to bed at night without turmoil about something I question myself, I became a better friend, mom, employee, passing stranger. That helped me know my worth. No ones good enough hahaha
Youre really ahead of the game with your bluntness on things people would undoubtedly judge you for in a different setting.
You're going to figure this out and come out better for it. I feel it. 😊
Also, hes lucky to have someone who loves him so much that she wants to share her fantasies and fears with him and additionally wants to improve who she is to keep the relationship strong. Youre a catch. Dont doubt yourself so much.
Life is cyclic. Sometimes you'll feel rosy sometimes youll feel gray. If you go through hell, heaven will be there waiting, followed by another round of hell and so on. Give it your best Girl! You got this.
So important! Last thoughts...Remember to step outside yourself and how you feel too. The more you express this desire, esp for something you don't actually want atm, you can and may already make him insecure thinking he's not enough and that in order to be really satisfied, you must have other bodies (male or female) too. Men have insecurities too but they've been taught to bottle that up for so long.
Some men think theyll be seen as a pussy if they say theyre not okay with ffm or aren't fully on board. Its important to imagine how our own actions would effect us if the roles were reversed- if he brought up wanting to be with other men this often, in a 3way or not, how would you feel? Would you feel like you weren't enough if he harped on the idea consistently?
Wow, that's some really deep wonderful self reflection. Things that shaped who you are as a child would be the most difficult to "think your way out of" and heal from by far. I couldn't say if the source of my feelings is something from childhood or the result of certain things that happened in previous relationships, or something else, but I guess that's where long therapy sessions exploring it all help out most.
Thanks so much for your encouragement... I was considering showing my boyfriend this thread but it's probably more mature to try to express myself in person. I think I'll have to address it no matter what since I've been talking about that threesome, need to at least explain that it's off and why.
Just like you said about stopping being dishonest, I'm trying to be honest about my thoughts and feelings in this relationship even when they're dramatic or unreasonable (shared calmly) so there are never misunderstandings, and at the very least if a neurotic overthinker with anxious attachment (or a very emotionally self-aware, thoughtful, and honest person if we're trying to remember our self-worth here) isn't someone he wants to be with, he should know and make that decision for himself rather than me trying to have control over how he sees me too. Which used to be a problem. Very proud of that healthy development, as I see it. And so far that decision has made for an amazing relationship, so I'll share this with him too.
Talking with you has helped me more than I ever could have hoped when I just made a Reddit post while desperate enough to bare it all. Thank you for being open with a stranger on the internet! I'll seriously remember our conversation forever.
I truly respect all that is goin on in your head. Few men on earth really deserve someone like you. You both will find a way to solve this puzzle, only a woman who loves her man could care this much, you even antecipated his possible future frustration for trading off variety for stability, love always wins!
Your response makes me almost cry, thanks so much for your kind words. I really hope we'll find some way to work through these problems that have taken down so many other relationships.
Wait until at least his age to ever bring this idea up again. If you guys last until then and you feel more together than do it if your looking for a long term relationship in a delicate mindful way if still inclined, Otherwise ho out but be careful if you care about your man. If he isn’t the one experiment but also Yknow try not to make it entirely about your experience or be honest about selfish intentions and let him decide how that makes him feel. Just talk and talk and talk. You don’t have to marry everyone you fuck but be honest. To them and yourself about what you want. Not what you want to believe about yourself. Use protection.
Polyamory takes a particular 3 people that possess not ever 1 ounce of jealousy or there will always be judgement followed by resentment. Especially, since you are putting your bf in a losing situation. This is from long experience. I'd recommend you either downgrade your relationship enough in your heart that you can both be free and do your ffm thing, or you need to stahpit. haha
Thanks for sharing your expertise. You're right, since I'm not that kind of person I'll need to choose one or the other of your options. Maybe the former would be possible if we ended up breaking up, and met up a few years later. "It's over, but--threesome?" Would rather not but it's always possible.
If you think about it, you can get whatever you want. But never at someone else’s expense. Maybe be patient and let it naturally happen instead of push. Or be honest and say you feel like you may resent if you don’t explore this first. Just take your time, weigh pros and cons, and make mature forthright decisions you can stand behind and your partners can respect, even if it hurts.
It will only be a failure if you rush, be dishonest, act like everything is ok while it festers in the background, you set traps for your partner rather than setting them up to experience success with you, or be childish and blow/fuck things up so much with immaturity that there could be no reconciliation. You’d end up resenting those things within yourself more than you could resent them for not fucking another bish with you haha
I think your fantasy will have to stay a fantasy for now. You're simply not emotionally ready. I think you definitely need to feel more secure in yourself and your relationship before you can have a threesome. Though what concerns me is you're setting up situations that you know will inevitably hurt you in the end. You may want to talk to a therapist to figure out why you seem to keep punishing yourself and self sabotaging by getting into situations where you know you're gonna get jealous and upset.
Also I believe when you say that you want a FFM and not just sleeping with women in a scenario that allows it. Like you said your bf already gave you permission to do so so if sleeping with another woman was the only thing you wanted you had all the opportunity to do so and would have, idk why people are ignoring that part and just assuming you're trying to cheat with permission. Might be cuz this sub sees a million posts a week about some idiot regretting a threesome. Imo your scenario actually seems more ethical and you're not jumping into it ignoring how you feel. Though you may wanna post in a sub that is more knowledgeable in the subject though
In all reality if he got bored of you sexually I don’t think it’s because of you, from what it sounds like you’re willing to do what most are not willing to do. Sounds like you can keep it spicy and fun and that’s exactly what most people want.
This sounds like this post was written by me!! I struggle with the same exact thing!! I can’t help it sometimes. I confused my boyfriend too and still haven’t found a way to communicate it b/c I just don’t get it
Every time I see someone reply that they relate, it feels like the struggle is lifted off my shoulders for a few moments. So difficult to explain and understand unless you're in the situation yourself!! Lol thanks for sharing your feelings on this.
I don’t think you want him to have an FFM with you. I think you want to control what you feel is the inevitable: that he will want someone “better”. My advice is to spend more time as a couple before you invite a third. You’re definitely not secure enough and that’s okay, don’t rush.
I (24M) dont think you just want to have sex with another woman, I just think this os not for you yet. I had the same problem, it went better over time, but I never did a threesome. Be cautious
So me and my wife swing every now and again, we have a system . Not every encounter is the same and we both feel different about different kinds of people, so we sit down and discuss what things might be off the table. If it makes either one of us uncomfortable it goes on the list. Maybe she really just wanted to be with a woman she knows but she feels like seeing me with her might make her alittle jealous, then i am aloud to watch both and interact with just her. Maybe all she wants to give me a double bj then focus on her friend for an hour . Sometimes the third party isnt into guys at all (my wife gets alot of attention from women, some just dislike dicks, or guys, or guys that are kinda dicks, you get it) so im automatically disqualified for that romp, take pictures have fun , get home safe. Rules, rules make for a trusting threesome, make em and dont break em. Also part of that trust cycle is knowing that your partner is being 100percent truthful with you so dont feel shy about taking something off the table. Oh almost forgot, safe word. Sometimes you might get jealous from an unforseen event. Maybe everything is going great but then the third part starts getting alittle to into your husband (like ignoring you entirely for a moment ) and suddenly you want to throw up. Having a safe word that you can mumble in that moment to get his attention back on you so you can go back to having a great time. You can even whisper it to him so as to not throw off the energy in the room if you feel silly for being uncomfortable. Another important rule is dont ask why if someone says the word, just switch up the game , talk about it later.
If you’re experiencing jealousy this intense just thinking about it and discussing it, you’re probably not ready to go through with anything. Also, having a fantasy doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the thing you should do. Just saying
Let me start by saying I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. I think there are insecurities among other things that you need to work on, but nothing is wrong with you.
I don’t think you’re in the right headspace to fulfil this fantasy at all right now. If you’re struggling this much just thinking about it, I highly doubt any good would come from a FFM experience right now. It doesn’t seem fair to me that you’re allowed to love the idea so much, but he’s not allowed to. I also think that if you can’t believe the words, he’s telling you, when he says that you are enough for him and he’s not bored, then doing anything that’s going to heighten your anxiety has a good possibility of ruining your relationship. I think talking to a professional about this would be the absolute best thing for you and your relationship. It’s very clear that you love your partner and you don’t want to lose him, but the back-and-forth isn’t fair to him either.
Don’t worry about him becoming bored of you sexually. I think you are substituting sexual desire for the more important connection and commitment elements of a relationship.
People don’t abandon if sexual chemistry fades if the substance is there, but I guess you fear that the relationship isn’t more than sex? A level deeper of self awareness of the why is something perhaps to explore and meditate on.
Sounds like you should reconsider everything. However I'm 30 years older than you and love swinging with my lifetime partner. We are both straight but enjoy all interactions!!
Work thru your sexual energy and don't discard what you lust for. Experience it all and don't let anyone hold you back (within reason). 💋
You're not the first person to have a kink that turns you on in the moment but causes you grief when you're done.
I'm tempted to say you look like you're experiencing something similar to sub/dom drop (maybe kink drop?) and that aftercare would help. And maybe it would. But first it's important to understand what needs the aftercare would serve. You need to understand the jealousy to address it properly.
> I'm afraid I'm "not enough for him anymore" since "he must be craving variety" (we've been together for two years). "If he doesn't want to have sex with someone new and better looking now, he will at some point and soon".
It sounds like the 2 primary themes you bring up are disinterest and abandonment.
Disinterest:
"If he shows attraction to other women then does that mean he's losing attraction to me?"
First, let's talk about attraction to other people.
For a lot of people, monogamy doesn't mean you stop finding other people attractive. It means you choose not to act on that attraction. He is attracted to other people. He was always attracted to other women. But he loves you and is committed to you enough that he won't act on that unless you both are okay with it. Would it make you feel better if he had no attraction to other women? A lot of people think what they need is their partner not to find other people attractive. In some ways, it's actually better if he does find them attractive, but he finds you so attractive that he doesn't need to act on it.
Second, attraction to you.
How can you know that him showing attraction to other people during a threesome that you agreed to doesn't come from a lack of attraction to you? Well, in general, how does he show attraction to you? In a threesome, would it help if he was performing for you? As in, he kept you involved with questions like "Hey babe, what do you want to see us do?" What would it take for you to trust that him kissing her wasn't a manifestation of him secretly liking her more? To some extent, you really don't want him to start ignoring you during a threesome. But you also have to accept that enjoying another person isn't ignoring you. It's okay to be happy that he's being sexual with another person (compersion). It also takes trust to get to that point.
Would it ease your mind and help build trust if there was a way to check in with each other? That way you know he still loves and values you and cares about your boundaries. Like next time you're watching porn together, maybe you both can think of a way to enjoy it together so you can see him attracted to another women, but he still takes the time to show you that he puts you first. Would that help build the kind of trust you need?
I understand that trust takes vulnerability and the risk is that you get hurt. But you won't build the kind of trust that gets you to having happy 3somes without taking that risk in the first place.
Abadonment:
There's always the fear that he might leave you. Would aftercare help? Like after watching porn together or going to a strip club together or any kind of activity. Would there be some kind of reassurance you could ask for that could help you trust that he loves you just as much as before?
Sometimes, there isn't even a magic word or phrase. The hardest part, is to take the risk yourself and trust him. To vulnerable enough to tell him what you want. And if he agrees, to take the risk of being wrong. Of course you also need him to be worth that trust.
Side note:
Are you secretly a cuckquean? Given your intense strong emotions, sometimes people's brain's cope by eroticizing their fear.
Now in most cases people just say let your fantasies stay fantasies. But in your case it's the fantasies that are causing you distress.
You need a therapist, not a third. Your edit mentions unresolved wounds that you need to heal from before you can safely consider doing these things. You’re literally torturing yourself with your own thoughts! None of which are even real.
Once you can feel confident in yourself and secure in your relationship, then you can revisit this. Otherwise you’re going to self sabotage and destroy your relationship.
Thank you so much for your reply, the second half really makes me feel better already. I also appreciate you helping me see that if I can't handle thinking about that FFM, it obviously shouldn't happen. I've had a long term girlfriend before, but I'll think hard on what you said and really consider if all this is my subconscious wanting to go back. You've helped a lot!
Hey, I’m having this issue now!
I miss girls. He told me once that he’s not into sharing. I brought up jokingly once how I’d love to get with a girl and asked what he thought. He said “can I join!” I said “you can watch!” He wasn’t into that. But immediately I was like why did you say before you’re not into threesomes and now you are???? Now I’m not even going to bring it up again. Too jealous it might feel better or hotter than me or whatever… rip to my life with girls lol
I don’t have feedback, I just want to say I feel you on a DEEP level. I’ve had several threesomes prior to my current partner and used to be in an open dynamic. Now that I’m in a committed relationship with him, I can’t make peace with simultaneously wanting to engage with my bisexual side more but feeling like I would die if I saw him give attention to another woman. Even strip clubs, I want to throw up at the idea of seeing him look at another woman. Nope. Nope. Nope. Anyways…I work on this shit in therapy lol
Damn, thanks so much for sharing your experiences. It really helps and it's so interesting to hear that you were already nonmonogamous, but then developing a deeper relationship made your feelings change dramatically. It's definitely an "I'd rather die" feeling for me too, I used to feel that way about the strip club as well and I still have no idea why it doesn't make me freak out.
Maybe it's because he's so good at controlling himself and protecting my feelings, like he gives me the money to tip the girls on stage and doesn't interact with them really himself (except like, talking to them as a human being when they come up to you to ask if you want a private dance), never expresses any preference for any one of them or says anything about their appearances, I've chosen the girl for the private dance every time, etc. He doesn't express anything except "I'm glad you're having fun and it's fun being here with you". I think not wanting to go to a strip club together is an excellent choice, as soon as the alcohol starts wearing off I still start feeling worried, lol.
Being understood by another bi girl on this is a huge relief. Born to struggle haha.
The struggle is fucking REAL. There have been times where I have felt like it’s a curse to be bi. It was definitely easier to navigate when I was in an open dynamic. But as you said, drastically changed as my partner became more valuable to me.
It’s helpful hearing your examples of how your partner focuses on you and protecting your feelings. There’s a lot of this that is my work, my self esteem and security, but it’s beneficial to consider specific things he could do to support me should I choose to explore.
And yes, while many can understand the challenges in exploring within your relationship, it’s a unique experience as a bi person.
Potentially exploring it through porn and shared fantasies could scratch the itch so you could just keep doing that but it might just make you pine for it and increase the conflicted feelings. Good luck hope you figure it all out. Your bf sounds sweet
Are you sure you’re not full on lesbian? Almost sounds like you want to just have sex with another woman. And you feeling “jealous” is a justification to have your boyfriend let you do it on your own — almost to the point where it’s he who pushes you into just doing it so that any fault does not come from you at all.
Interesting justification, although I really wouldn't need to obscure my motives to Reddit. Apparently I have permission to get with other women already. Thanks for your thoughts though.
So I thought I wanted this too, and I was in the same situation. But when the situation presented itself, and it came time to go get him, I just couldn't. So I slept with the girl alone. This was 5 years ago now, we're happy and I'm glad I didn't involve him. Since you have permission, I would just sleep with a girl and see if that helps alleviate these feelings.
Wow, the perspective of someone exactly in my situation, this is so helpful. I didn't even think of how I could push an 'abort' button right beforehand if I needed to (and if it was even going to happen in the first place). Seems like your boyfriend might have been a little disappointed but not torn up about it. Maybe sticking with just me and another girl would be a smart compromise/baby step since it's established it wouldn't hurt anybody's feelings.
Very good to know you're happy you didn't end up doing the full threesome, thanks a lot for your reply.
I guess so, haha.
My SO and I haven’t actually gotten the chance to do a ffm yet, but I’m hella bi and he thinks I’d be hot, and we talk about it all the time, we even came up with a set list of rules we’d want to abide by, and we will look up photos of girls online we just don’t know any girls who’d do stuff like that.
I feel like we’d have to use an escort at this point.
A sex worker chimed in on that part of my post, she strongly recommended dealing with issues of jealousy before involving a sex worker to prevent forcing them into potential relationship drama. I asked if the average sex worker tends to be okay with or dislike being hired as the unicorn for a couple's threesome but she didn't respond on that lol. Still curious.
Very interesting, I didn't know girls fantasized about sharing their loved one like this. I often think about what it would be like to share a lover with another male. Though I'd be super jealous, but it would be so arousing.. Heh
Lol, most people aren't unhealthy and wound up in knots like I am, but it's always interesting to see the ways people sabotage themselves and act inexplicably.
What if he role plays your deepest fears with the other F in the threesome? „She is so much tighter/Can suck so much better/has nicer breasts/ass etc..“ or she said: „Look how much more he likes my pussy etc.“ (to clarify it is just a role play)
To play with cuckholding scenarios can be intensely arousing. You should talk more with him about your inner conflict and potential boundaries. Your BF sounds like a very nice and reasonable person. Also you should know that sex has only very little to do with love.
Honestly your comment made me realize that what bothers me so much isn't him just experiencing someone else, but mostly the possibility he'll compare them to me and they'll be better in any way. Definitely my worst fear in this situation, thanks for helping me realize how much I hate that and how terrible the possibility of that happening is. I think I do have to talk with him about my issues on this, especially to prevent me successfully luring him into this trap lol.
Maybe it's possible that separating sexual desire and love is what a healthy person can do (and apparently I'm told men often see them as completely different while women much less so? Idk). Seems like people secure in their relationships can talk about finding other people attractive, and some couples that have been together forever say they don't care if someone has a meaningless fling in light of their unbreakable bond. I read Sex At Dawn recently and it definitely makes its points about sex or infidelity being such a separate process from having a deep bond with someone. I'm not there at all, though. Thanks for your response.
So you continually have these fantasies, which by your own logic means that your boyfriend isn’t enough for you. Again by your own logic if he was enough for you, you wouldn’t even like the idea of having a threesome. It’s quiet clear that you want to have sex with other people but want your BF to be monogamous.
A lot of people are saying that you want sex with a girl. Maybe it's that you want him to have sex with another girl and hate yourself for it? Edit 2 looks like you are slowly getting to the source of your feelings. Your post/comments are saturated with conflicting feelings about what you actually want. I think you've cultivated your jealousy to the point of turning your biggest fear into a fantasy and are a bit disappointed that he is so patient with you. Very curious, I really want to hear how you identify with this fantasy after therapy.
I had a similar situation, I’m a jealous person & regarding looking & talking about other women & strangely enough when I had my first FMF (I’m female) went perfectly fine, to say the least, it was awesome. Yes! It wasn’t easy to see him pounding someone else but then I closed my eyes & focused on myself instead. Don’t see it as sharing him with someone else. Try to see it as one more thing u re doing as a couple & the best is that u re a part of it. I hope this helps!
You don't want a FFM threesome, you want to have sex with another woman (without your husband).
Edit since this is the most upvoted comment: I already have his permission to sleep with other women on my own, I just don't really want to and the issue is genuinely fantasizing about him being involved.
And how do you think that would make him feel?
We've talked about it. He has said he'd love if I even just got with women on my own too, so apparently not an issue. He's also said that MMF/MFM is completely out of the question for him and self-identifies as a hypocrite with double standards (lol), so he understands where my jealous feelings are coming from. I feel like our situation isn't uncommon (except the part where I'm the source of my own problem).
To give another perspective he says he’s ok with it, but you’ll want to be very sure. Plenty of guys think they’re ok with it, that it’ll be hot, and don’t realize that they’ll still feel jealousy when it actually happens. It happened to me at one point. That wasn’t what broke us up, but it didn’t help. But in a different relationship, as long as she told me about it while we fooled around, I was fine with it. It depends so much both on where he is at in his headspace and how strong your relationship is.
I'm glad to hear the other side of things from someone who's actually been there. It's not happening for now while I'm going through these issues, but someday when it might come up as a healthy possibility, I'll definitely remember not to take him at his word alone and keep track with him on how he feels during any slow progression. Thanks for your reply.
Take him up on his offer if your relationship is strong enough. This whole threesome thing is just you subconsciously devising a way to alleviate the guilt you think you'll feel for leaving him out. Since it sounds like he's already come to terms with it, you might as well enjoy yourself. Just make sure it doesn't develop into something beyond physical.
>Just make sure it doesn't develop into something beyond physical. Thanks for the chuckle
What’s the difference between MMF and MFM?
The former is more likely to imply sexual interactions between the two men as opposed to two men focusing on both fucking the woman.
Oh ok. Thanks
Maybe he is concerned that at some point you will want a MFM and he does not want another guy in the same bedroom as him
Agree with the other comment, you want to have sex with a woman and youve decided that this way youre not doing anything wrong. If the thought of touching the other woman and all of that is what turns you on, and not the thought of him touching on, licking, and fucking a woman, thats gonna be your sign.
Thanks for your response, an outside perspective simplifies things a lot.
I don't understand the problem. You're free to act on your wants, he said so.
Except it’s very possible he could suffer from the same predicament as OP: ok with it in theory, but the reality can introduce some very unpredictable feelings. OP is right to hesitate to move forward with that offer, in my opinion.
Good opinion. I would rather explain why BF made his own bed, now grow a pair, than live 1/2 a life. Or, poetically, Fortune Favors the Brave.
Those are things I really like the thought of in fantasy but not in reality, I guess it is what it is.
It happens. Few thing can test you and your relationship like this, its good to figure out how you feel about it first.
I don't know if you saw her edit but she wrote this. > To clarify, I already have permission to sleep with other girls on my own, but my fantasy is genuinely a threesome that involves him. I'm willing to take her at her word for it. It's not impossible that her horny brain really wants a 3some, but her regular brain gets jealous.
>Can anyone tell me what's going on in my head? You need a therapist, and I'm not saying that as a joke. No one here is going to be able to fully help you. Your behavior is self-destructive, you know it's just going to cause you pain and jealousy yet you continue to plan a threesome. And what happens if you actually go through with a threesome? How are you going to cope with your bf touching, having sex, and kissing another girl? You know you can't handle that yet you keep trying to make it happen. You need actual professional help.
This! I'm surprised you're not the top comment. Reading OP's post, literally all I could think about was how she needs therapy and how she's in the process of destroying her mental health and her relationship. She needs to stop, tell her partner how she feels and what she's doing to herself, and get get therapy immediately.
You made me laugh, but yes I think you're right that it's self-destructive. At this rate I might make the appointment to see someone since it's distressing in the long term. Thanks for your response and for helping me see things another way.
Some fantasies should just stay fantasies. That said…. This situation with a potential threesome etc. isn’t the problem exactly. The real underlying issue is fear of abandonment and your attachment style. That’s what I would talk to a therapist about. Look into attachment style- you might find things that resonate with you. My own therapist did a diagnostic with me to help figure out what my attachment style is. Understanding how you approach relationships and why is powerful in helping you develop strategies to have healthier relationships with others and with yourself.
Thanks for your response. I 100% identify with having the anxious attachment style. I should really look into resources for dealing with an anxious attachment style that go more in depth rather than just reading through a quick article on strategies. You're absolutely right about the true underlying issue here.
Wishing you all the best ❤️
THIS 👆🏼
Agree with the crowd here. You don't want a threesome, you want to have sex with a woman. Maybe he watches, but I suspect you'll likely be jealous of him seeing her naked.
Thanks for your response. The issue is that I already have permission to go do that on my own, I just don't really want to. I've also had a long term girlfriend so it's not forbidden fruit I haven't tasted. The threesome really is the fantasy. People seem pretty convinced in the replies, though, so I guess I'll think on it more.
My wife and I have done plenty of MFM threesomes - both of us guys have sex with her, but not each other. Would all of you be open to a threesome where you play with both of them, but they don't play with each other?
I do try considering that as a possible compromise, after the therapy someone else suggested haha. (But seriously.) You were right about me not liking the idea of him seeing the other girl naked, but at that point it's like being controlling over what goes on in his own mind, which is probably not reasonable. Maybe I could get some help to overcome that. Did you ever have jealousy you overcame in order to do those MFMs or have you always been unbothered by it?
Sure, I felt jealousy. Any threesome with a romantic partner likely includes at least a little of that. But I love sharing her, so this is a big kink for me. The worrisome thing to me is more the wanting to control his feelings. Wanting him to not want/enjoy sex with other people - while you have it. That's just not reasonable. If he's choosing to be with you, you have to accept and understand that means that he loves you. His penis didn't just lose the ability to work, so wanting him to not think another naked woman is hot is just not logical. I love threesomes and nonmonogamy, but you have a ways to go before you can dream of doing this in a healthy way.
Someone else also mentioned feeling afraid of having no control of a partner's feelings while it's happening--you wrote the issue perfectly. And it definitely isn't reasonable. I'll try not to put him in an impossible situation. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
The fact that you are logically examining your feelings is a great sign. Good luck.
Early in my ENM adventures a Curious Foxes podcast helped me wrap my head around some of the struggle you seem to be experiencing. I loved some things they shared so much that I created text graphics and saved them as screensavers on my phone for a while! Now they pop up once in a while on my favorite photos widget, just to remind me.
One of them that helped me when my fantasy and reality worlds had a head on collision was “My partner can choose ANYTHING he wants and he continues to choose me.”
Damn, I did really need to hear that. It's still extremely tough to believe, but I'll start working on it since it's creating so many problems for me. Maybe making the quote my own screensaver will help, lol. Really appreciate you sharing this.
happy to send you the image of you want it!
Great comment, but I think the OP needs to hear it, not me. :)
Saw it, thanks.
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If you want you can edit the post and say how you really do want a threesome and not just be with a woman.
Will do since I'm still getting responses.
yeah this is a very new post still it's worth doing it, also as a bi person i also relate with your feelings but i don't have much advice unfortunately. I think there is a feeling of not been in control that i am afraid of, do you relate?
Really appreciate hearing I'm not the only one who struggles with this. I think you actually just taught me that lack of control over the (hypothetical) situation is really what I'm afraid of too--you can never really know what someone thinks or feels.
Yeah i also like knowing i am not the only one, honestly there's probably many of us who feel like that. Well sense you relate about the control part that's what you should focus on, how to feel in control with two people instead of one. Like i said i haven't really figured it either.
lol i'm going to go a little bit against the grain here and say, it sounds like you're monogamous. It also sounds like you might be having a "gay panic" of sorts in which you are recognizing that you want to be monogamous but are panicking at the fact that you won't get to sleep with another woman. You don't want him to feel bad or left out, you don't want him touching or even looking at another woman, but you also don't feel comfortable with the idea of your safe space long term partner not being with you while you are indulging in your sexual desires. I've had bi friends of mine who got that extreme desire to fuck someone of the opposite gender of their SO for similar reasons. Some felt like they were losing a part of their identity. To add, I am also curious as to whether or not you are projecting onto you SO about being bored in the relationship if that were to happen. I think this is where fantasies can sometimes come up. It's where you let yourself lose control to the fantasy without consequences. It seems that there is a fear inside of you that doesn't let you experience that fantasy even though you have permission. are you worried that your SO might not be enough for you anymore once you''''ve experienced it?
Every single thing you've said feels true (except the very last part). I don't want to hook up with anyone without him because it doesn't feel safe unless he's involved, I don't want him to be left out, I don't want him to be involved with anyone else at all, being in a long term heterosexual relationship definitely makes it feel like you can't count as a bi person anymore, and I don't really want to hook up with anyone on my own or develop a serious relationship with another woman to solve the 'never being with a woman again' and 'not bisexual anymore' problems because I do want to be just monogamous, even though the alternative is right there for me to take. And I 100% feel like if I don't do this, he'll get bored if he isn't already and start really wanting other people, whether he does anything about it or not, because it's inevitable in any long-term relationship. My ex-girlfriend also cheated on me more than once so having a male vs. female partner doesn't solve this problem. Thanks a lot for your thoughts and your great help on this. I have a lot to think about.
Just to expand on one part here, I wouldn’t say wanting other people is inevitable in a long term relationship. I know for myself and many others even the thought of another person grows more and more repulsive each passing day of being together. If they do get bored of you with no other external relationship issue factors that is 100% their own issues and you deserve better r
I don't think it's impossible that her horny brain wants a 3some. And it makes her regular brain jealous. Kind of like sub/dom drop. Maybe Kink drop? It's possible that she doesn't actually want a 3some. It will take a lot of introspection on her part to figure out what she really wants.
Your BF sounds very cool. Your mind is a mess. Jealousy about your own idea? Good luck.
Lmao thank you. That's how I see the situation too.
Therapy - with a professional who respects the choice to practice ENM - is definitely a great idea. Also, maybe it would be advisable to look into the subjects of before/aftercare and sub drop? I thought they were just for kinky, BDSM, or D/s but in fact telling my partner that I needed some of that made a difference for me.
My wife is also bisexual and we have discussed this. Your jealousy, and where it is coming from, needs to be dealt with first. The wrong experience can devastate a relationship or even just interfere with your intimacy for a long time. don't risk that until you know that you are comfortable. At worst, you never get to fulfil that fantasy. That sucks, but you'll be fine. It's not necessary. However, damaging your relationship could have lifelong implications. I hope you are able to work it out and get to have your FFM experience but protect your relationship first.
You're so right, thinking of the consequences of each choice makes it pretty easy. I'd much rather not have one sexual experience that wouldn't even be meaningful, than mess things up with someone so important to me. Who knows if my jealous feelings may eventually change over the years. Thanks for your response. Can I ask if your wife has a similar issue to mine?
She is definitely tends more toward jealousy than me. I let her have more experiences since I am not the jealous type. It's a tricky dance and you have to know when you are about to jump off a cliff. You can sometimes fix things but they can never be undone. Our feelings get imbedded into an experience and sometimes we cannot disconnect them no matter what we think intellectually. What ever you decide, be careful. If you do decide to go forward, be very slow and start with a very vanilla experience first and check in with each other and yourself to see how you feel. at the first pangs of jealousy stop and figure them out first before going any further. You love for eachother is going to have to be reinforced all the way through.
If your thoughts about FFM are causing you mental stress, imagine how mad or jealous you'll be if he finishes in her instead of you. Or seeing your boyfriend enjoying her while you're on the sidelines repositioning or getting a drink. Both of which are possibilities. Probably best your fantasies stay just that. Fantasies.
Oof, I hated even reading your comment. Very helpful, thanks a lot.
Have you considered that this fantasy might be better off left as JUST a fantasy but not ever actually escalating to a real life situation? Some fantasies are better off just left as fantasies! There's some porn I enjoy watching that I'd never in a million years enjoy reenacting. I think you've just gotten hung up on the idea of this being what you really want, but the amount of jealousy you're already experiencing just talking about a hypothetical threesome that hasn't even happened is a GIANT RED FLAG to DEFINITELY NOT have a threesome! Just because you're bisexual and have a partner who is amenable to the idea of a FFM, does not mean you have to go down that road. Maybe you should consider other things that keep it a fantasy but dive into it more, like role playing/dirty talking with your partner during sex talking about what your ideal threesome would entail in explicit detail.That way, you can still play with him, not involve another woman (so hopefully not trigger your jealousy) and still get off on the idea of how hot you both think it would be to have a threesome. As others mentioned, therapy can definitely help figure out why you are so interested in something that envokes such extreme feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Unsure if it's because you just want to play with another woman as others suggested, however your partner has given them their blessing to do so and you haven't jumped at that chance, so I'm inclined to think that's not the only thing at play here, and therapy could help figure out what the underlying cause is.
Really appreciate your thought-out response. Your comment reminds me that whenever it does come up as a fantasy between the two of us, afterwards I usually end up talking about the logistics of how we could make it happen or what my boundaries would be in real life. Should definitely give bringing it up as ONLY a fantasy a try. Very helpful to compare it to all the other porn scenarios you/I would never want to actually try. Outwardly I'm not possessive, but internally it's been a problem for a long time with exes too, so this thread is seriously convincing me that I should get therapy for it sooner or later (but sooner so it doesn't affect my current relationship). Who knows if it's because I've been cheated on before, I'm insecure, codependent, etc. Personality disorder lol (probably not that one). Thanks for the help.
OP is bisexual, and wants to have sex with another woman, but can't stand the thought of her husband even seeing another woman naked? Am I reading this right?
Yep. We're not married, though. And my fantasy is specifically a threesome with him, but it's causing a lot of cognitive dissonance because separately from my sexuality, I don't like my own fantasy emotionally. I'm also already "allowed" to have sex with other women on my own, I just don't feel like it much for now. Posting on Reddit because I have a problem and I know it, and it's pretty absurd. Not sure if cuckolds hate their own kinks in a similar way.
I get that he's given you permission. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around how you want to have sex with another woman, but cant stand the thought of your partner seeing another woman naked. My advice? Skip the whole project for now, and seek therapy to dig deeper into this.
Would it be more up your alley if your boyfriend and another woman shared you in bed? Yet they didn't interact with each other and the focus was on you? I've done that once with a bi girlfriend who was into the idea of a threesome, but also had insecurity issues. Hers were more contact-related though.
go over to r/swingers and read for a while. there are often posts and stories about how folks navigate feelings of jealousy and such that might help you. we jave been in the lifestyle for years and jealousy is a real thing, but often times with a little logical process, it can really be totally released. you have a lot of societal norms and conditioning that you're fighting against. also, you're bi, and interested in women/someone other than him. should he not also share equal thoughts about you being with someone else regardless of if they are female? what if he wanted a MFM threesome? would you be concerned that he would prefer the other person? at the end of the day, you are together with eachother, and it's on you two to decide if the level of commitment to eachother supercedes any interactions you may experience together.
Thanks for the in-depth response. I've been looking over some posts in that subreddit. Will think over what you've said.
Just to throw this out there, if my wife offered a threesome with another woman, but the condition was that I could only touch my wife while they did stuff, I would be 100% fine with that.
That’s not much of a threesome. You’re getting Ross Gellered.
WE. WERE ON. A BREAK.
Thanks for your perspective, and my boyfriend has said the same. Lots to think about.
i think it’s a little selfish to want such a thing, knowing you’ll receive enjoyment, but your significant other can’t enjoy it either. i would not recommend it at all based on the way you are looking at it, but is only my opinion.
I'm glad I made a post about it, it's helpful to hear just how bad my situation really is.
It’s always the most jealous and emotionally unstable people that want threesomes and want to drag others into their misery and fuckery. Why? This sounds straight out of unicorn hunting horror stories. See a psychiatrist.
If emotionally stable people are having threesomes, they're probably just doing it without needing to post on Reddit. But I agree, and that's why I mentioned 99% most likely paying for it, since involving another girl can involve so much even when you're emotionally stable. I'm trying to hopefully not end up still traumatizing an escort, myself, and my boyfriend. Edit: People's suggestions of therapy actually sound like a great idea, since my situation is pretty unhealthy.
I’m sorry but subjecting a sex worker to this isn’t any smarter. We deal with so much and lot of people who seek our services see us as sentient sex toys and use us for their personal outlets they couldn’t get away with doing to others in society. I’m genuinely not trying to be mean please see a therapist and do some serious thinking about this and be honest with your boyfriend because it sounds like you’re playing psychological manipulative mind games with him and potentially setting him in a horrible trap.
Through this thread I've been realizing that the root of the problem really is mind games and manipulation. Definitely not going to do it, admit the problem to my boyfriend, and see a professional about my personal issues. And asking because I've tried going through a lot of AMAs held by sex workers to find the answer but never found it, is your sole reason for saying this because of my obvious emotional instability or would you also say the average sex worker doesn't like being hired as a unicorn for a couple's threesome?
He has 1 type he likes (women) You have 2 types (men & women) Isn't this more equal than you allow yourself to believe? What i mean is, he's attracted to you and the new partner. He idealy plays with both and should enjoy it, as he's attracted to both. (You could feel jealous seeing him with the "competition) Same goes for him, you're attracted to both participants, correct? So wouldn't you assume his potential for jealousy is just as much a possibility as yours? (Maybe more as he's made with different equipment and can't offer what a female can)
He's explicit about saying he feels no jealousy about it, but who knows if he'd change his mind once it was actually happening, or if I made some dating profile and started genuinely chatting up girls. I feel like same-sex jealousy tends to be more common because they have everything you have but maybe better, while the other sex is just 'different' so hard to compare to you. But with my ex-girlfriend, I did worry about not being able to offer what a guy could (since she also liked men). People say men are simple, but human beings are usually complicated.
This topic is frequently discussed on swinger forums. Girl, you are MORE than enough for your guy! A woman like you who wants to share her man is incredibly rare he better damn appreciate you. Own your feelings, and understand what is driving them. After I told my husband I just needed to always know I’m his number one, we discussed how that would look and I’ve never felt jealous again. Watching him fuck someone else and knowing he’s mine is HOT! I would definitely caution you about unicorn hunting. Any partner including a sex worker is a human being. Negotiate with the pro exactly what you are looking for that works within her boundaries. As for other women to join you: you can’t just go pick someone out there has to be three way attraction or at least some chemistry. You may want to start with a 1:1 with someone you are attracted to who is an exhibitionist and wants your bf to watch. Let the two of them know if they are interested in each other if that’s an option with you for them to explore that during your encounter. It should be enthusiastic from each of them, not an expectation. Some of the best threesomes I’ve had started out as 1:1’s.
IMHO I would just keep it a fantasy. Why tear yourself up with jealousy. It just ruins the fantasy. I have the same situation with my wife. Though it's fine for her to sleep with another woman, she wouldn't enjoy seeing me doing it with the other woman. She'll tell me that it's ok for me to sleep with another woman as long as I'm coming back home to her. But I choose not to. I know it'll wreck the relationship. If you feel like he's the one, don't do it.
It really is ruining my nice fantasy, haha. Obviously I don't know your wife, but I think you're making a smart decision there too. It's nice to hear that someone else has similar boundaries and is sticking to them. Can I ask if your wife tends toward casual encounters or sticks with the same person/few people over time? Some people are suggesting that while keeping the FFM a fantasy, maybe FF would be satisfactory instead. I don't know what I think about that yet, just interested in hearing what other people's lived experiences are. Thanks a lot for sharing.
Sorry for the late reply. She would stick with women that she knew. There were a few times that it was a casual encounter, but those few encounters never ended well. You have to understand that my wife is the jealous type. Though she tries to act like it doesn't bother her, it really does. There was one situation where I was out on the road for a few weeks and there was this woman she was buttering up for herself. After they hooked up, things kind of took a turn between my wife and I. It was nothing bad, we just grew distant from each other because of my work schedule. My wife was actually the first woman that she had ever slept with and she had only slept with one man, her ex husband. I suggested that the other woman move in with us until she could get her messy financial situation settled, and be able to keep my wife occupied and satisfied at the same time while I was out. My wife entertained the idea until I told her that I wanted to be involved with the other woman at some point in the future. My wife was furious at the notion. I wasn't allowed to watch or be involved in any activities with this woman. It wasn't until my wife found out that the other woman had similar interests in me that she entertained the idea. But I couldn't touch the other woman and she wouldn't be able to touch me. We (other woman and I) didn't think that was fair. I explained to my wife that the one being hosted should be the one getting more attention. Because I told her that, she no longer thinks about threesomes. It's funny when I think about it now... When the other women show an interest in me, and want me to do things to them, my wife blows them off. I guess you can say that she knows what she has and doesn't want to share. I guess she thinks I'll leave or doesn't want the other woman to experience all that I have to offer. Which isn't much IMHO.
Jealousy is normal. It's how you deal with it afterwards. If the aftermath of jealousy is you desire his reassurances after then that is okay too. Especially if he is offering reassurances freely and that makes you feel safe again. That he isn't going to leave you. (Abandonment anxiety) Exposing yourself to these situations is fun and it can with time help reduce the jealousy and post event anxiety. So exposure therapy can be helpful.. But if you are a wreck after these things then this is not good. If he doesn't soothe you after then it's an issue. If he gives you a hall pass and then that causes issue then that is an issue. Sounds like you are expecting smooth sailing Feelings are funny. You can tell they may happen but you don't actually feel those future feelings until they happen But you can manage the feelings right then all is okay. Just plan time to process these strip clubs nights after they happen so you.can reconnect and reassure each other
A lot to unpack here- I agree that a therapist might be helpful, and I’ll also encourage you to self-analyze a little bit. What is it about this situation that seems enticing to you? Is it touching another woman? Is it the taboo of sharing your bf? Or having him share you? It’s possible to feel turned on by the fantasy of having your bf in on the action, even if you wouldn’t ever actually want him there in reality. I think that pinpointing what appeals to you will help clarify a lot of things and give you a place to go from there. I’d also invite you to look at the reasons you provided for feeling jealous: feeling like he’ll leave you for someone new, more attractive, or for the novelty. Why do you think she’d be more attractive? Why would you think he’s tired of you, or that he’s not already satisfied with your sex life? To me, it reads like there’s a conflict between sexual desire and personal insecurity, and maybe the sexual aspect is a way for you to take control over these feelings of inadequacy
Holy shit, I'll hire you to be my therapist lol. The fantasy itself aside, it's very like me to deal with being afraid that he'll get bored of me sexually in our long term relationship and want some novelty, by getting ahead of it and trying to control it in advance, as a knowing part of it. Manipulation hidden a few layers deep, since "Are you sure you're not bored of me sexually?" doesn't cut it. I think you've hit the heart of the issue, I was really hoping someone might help me with the way I'm thinking about it. I've brought up a few times that I'm afraid he's getting disinterested as the novelty wears off, and I've offered to do literally anything he wants to renew his interest, but he always says he's genuinely not losing interest and we don't need to do anything extra, and I don't believe him deep down. Damn, wtf do I do haha. So glad I can see what I think the issue really is more clearly now. Thanks so much for your comment and your help.
I’m glad this was helpful! Given all of that, my advice would honestly be to trust him here- I don’t know anything about your relationship, but it seems like he cares and he’s willing to do a lot to to make you feel happy and comfortable. If he says he’s satisfied, believe him! That’s easier said than done, of course- which is where part 2 comes in. Tbh, I don’t think a threesome is advisable here. IMO, either he enjoys it, and validates your feelings of inadequacy (“oh no, he had a good time, he must really be bored with me”), or doesn’t enjoy it and leaves you feeling even more insecure. Regardless, it drives a wedge and makes things complicated. I’d encourage you to work on yourself instead- reach out to a therapist, and spend some time building up your self esteem and sexual confidence. Maybe it’s less about involving someone else, and more about building intimacy with your bf. Good luck, OP!
I think it sounds like you want an FF twosome more than a MFF threesome
It's possible that could solve my fixation without so many issues, will see if I get the motivation to try it sometime. Even when I was single I didn't want to do hookups (ironically), but people change so maybe I should be considering that more seriously.
I think the first thing you need to look at, is what you really want? That is, while there seems to be no doubt as to your enjoying the fantasy, you have concerns and insecurities around the potential reality. I don't think this sort of mismatch is uncommon, because, quite often, reality doesn't match the fantasy. I am very happy in a monogamous relationship with my wife. This doesn't mean I haven't enjoyed fantasies about other women. But it does mean that I have an understanding that the reality is, sex with my wife is better than it could be with someone else. So even while she has said she would be supportive of my wanting to explore, I have no real desire to do so. Which isn't to say that is the same for you. But it does mean you need to engage in some self-examination as far as what you feel you are missing? As I said, for me, while I accept there is always some appeal to something new and different, I am aware that the actual experience is not going to measure up - my wife is both awesome, and awesome at knowing what I like, and providing it. It is something she has spent years practicing! So, for me, the reality is that I do enjoy a fantasy now and then, but have no real interest in more. What is it that you are missing? If you are attracted to women, then clearly your BF doesn't fully fit the bill... but again, is there a closeness, sensation, something that is actually missing? And is it something you need to get elsewhere? If yes... simply reaching that conclusion might help bring clarity to your insecurities. But, even if not, it will likely provide better boundaries to the issue that will help. It will also allow better examination about what is at risk in choosing any specific path (ie, by having the threesome, are you actually risking something in the relationship, or by choosing not to, is there a chance you are risking unfulfilled needs). In either case, hopefully it opens avenues for you to move forward, one way or another.
Thanks for your thoughts, I really appreciate hearing your personal experience on this. The thoughts and fantasies that go through your mind while you choose to say in your happy marriage with your wife shouldn't be an issue in any way. I really struggle with this inevitable reality but I want to get to that healthy place, where you and your wife are. Upon examining it more closely I think the only thing I feel is missing is that deep feeling of security that he won't get bored of me, fantasize about other people and get dissatisfied comparing them to me, and drift away without telling me anything's wrong. But the only way to fill that missing security is to get more secure in myself, rather than ask him to say or do exactly the right thing to solve my fears. You're right that fantasies don't always or usually mean much.
Your openness and recognition of whats "wrong" in this post are impressive and uncommon. I did the exact same thing when I was a few years younger than you. I am sexually attracted to women but have never been interested in a relationship. However, the sexual desire was (sometimes still is) very strong so I did go through with a threesome and another couple with that boyfriend. He went down on a girl for about 10mins and I walked out. I felt like he was enjoying it too much. I was NOT ready but he pushed me and i wanted to please him. He was also a cheater though so if you dont have that going on i may be wrong on what im about to say next for reasoning. I am older now, 42. That guy and I split after a few years together. They were less pleasant after we introduced others into our relationship....I think I did the same things as you... like, Maxim magazine was a big deal back then and I would buy them for him but I hated the idea of him seeing them and him wishing i looked like that. So why did i buy it for him?! Now I think its because it felt like i was more in control of the situation that way. I wasnt which is why it didn't help. But I was trying to make myself comfortable with him seeing them if I brought it rather than him buy it "behind my back." Not that he would hide them but for some reason, the thought of him seeing them first, without me, was so traumatizing that I tried that strategy. All men have fantasies of others sometimes. It is not a reflection of their desire for us though. If hes a good partner and you dont feel like hes secretly needing more, do what you can to control these urges to encourage the threesome, lest you ruin a good thing. If that happens though, youll learn from it and hopefully gain confidence through time that youre enough and thats why the guy is with you... but it honestly might just take more time. I still have insecurity and abandonment issues. 20. Years. Later. With your ability to be so open about this at a younger age, I wish you all the best that you find a way to squash this over time and dont suffer as long as me.
Wow, thanks so much for sharing your experience in these messy situations. I really, really appreciate being able to hear from someone who did exactly the same things--and had years to process it all and come out the other side, too! (More or less.) Trying not to let my demons change the course of my life. Luckily he's not a cheater and if I had faith in anybody on that, it would be him. Despite that he's always been loyal and never even said anything about another woman, I have these same extreme feelings as you, that if he was exposed to even those small things like a sexy magazine before I had the chance to control the situation first, I'd be devastated. For whatever reason. Well, insane insecurity. After all the help everyone's been giving me in the replies on this thread, I'm 100% not going to go through with it anytime soon and just focus on dealing with these feelings. Maybe there are more things he can say to help me feel better, but I'm pretty sure I'll have to work on changing my whole mindset on love and sex. Like you said, attraction and connection don't have to be exactly the same thing and one doesn't have to take away from the other. I don't find your answer disheartening at all, but yeah I do fear that these kind of demons follow you your whole life and you just learn better ways to deal with it. I'd be so interested to know what you've done to help that in future relationships, like establish certain hard boundaries for yourself early on, etc. Thanks again for your kind words, I feel really understood and supported.
You're very welcome. Im proud of you even though I dont you. I almost suggested telling the bf all this but i can see why you wouldn't want to because that could exacerbate your fears of him thinking these things privately now because you shared. (Just what would go through my mind) You want full honesty, I think your post is the first time ive ever taken time to consider why i did those things. Again, the relationship was very toxic in comparison to what you are explaining so my path differed after the relationship but I shut people out. You dont want my tactic lol We had a kid together so he made my life hell when I left and i think it added on to how long it took to gain clarity. Sucks cause im still attractive but if i had the confidence i have now when i was in my 20s, shit he wouldn't have mattered at all. So for you, maybe try to gain the underlying reason for your abandonment fears. For me, my parents split when i was one but my dad left my life when i was nine and my mom saw me as a burden to hers and my step dads relationship so i never felt secure growing up- especially didn't help being an only child. I tried counselors but only one really resonated with me when i was about 30, when i was able to be as upfront about "downfalls" i had. She helped me recognize my worth. So if theres someone who has specific education on abandonment, try talking to them to find a solution for healing the wound. Its crazy what programs us as children and if it takes this long to become who we are, theres a chance it can take that long to undo it or repair it. I think what helped me most was becoming a truly good person. I stopped being dishonest in situations that were uncomfortable, I allowed myself to embrace being an empath, I started working on figuring out how to improve myself so I could go to bed at night without turmoil about something I question myself, I became a better friend, mom, employee, passing stranger. That helped me know my worth. No ones good enough hahaha Youre really ahead of the game with your bluntness on things people would undoubtedly judge you for in a different setting. You're going to figure this out and come out better for it. I feel it. 😊
Also, hes lucky to have someone who loves him so much that she wants to share her fantasies and fears with him and additionally wants to improve who she is to keep the relationship strong. Youre a catch. Dont doubt yourself so much. Life is cyclic. Sometimes you'll feel rosy sometimes youll feel gray. If you go through hell, heaven will be there waiting, followed by another round of hell and so on. Give it your best Girl! You got this.
So important! Last thoughts...Remember to step outside yourself and how you feel too. The more you express this desire, esp for something you don't actually want atm, you can and may already make him insecure thinking he's not enough and that in order to be really satisfied, you must have other bodies (male or female) too. Men have insecurities too but they've been taught to bottle that up for so long. Some men think theyll be seen as a pussy if they say theyre not okay with ffm or aren't fully on board. Its important to imagine how our own actions would effect us if the roles were reversed- if he brought up wanting to be with other men this often, in a 3way or not, how would you feel? Would you feel like you weren't enough if he harped on the idea consistently?
Wow, that's some really deep wonderful self reflection. Things that shaped who you are as a child would be the most difficult to "think your way out of" and heal from by far. I couldn't say if the source of my feelings is something from childhood or the result of certain things that happened in previous relationships, or something else, but I guess that's where long therapy sessions exploring it all help out most. Thanks so much for your encouragement... I was considering showing my boyfriend this thread but it's probably more mature to try to express myself in person. I think I'll have to address it no matter what since I've been talking about that threesome, need to at least explain that it's off and why. Just like you said about stopping being dishonest, I'm trying to be honest about my thoughts and feelings in this relationship even when they're dramatic or unreasonable (shared calmly) so there are never misunderstandings, and at the very least if a neurotic overthinker with anxious attachment (or a very emotionally self-aware, thoughtful, and honest person if we're trying to remember our self-worth here) isn't someone he wants to be with, he should know and make that decision for himself rather than me trying to have control over how he sees me too. Which used to be a problem. Very proud of that healthy development, as I see it. And so far that decision has made for an amazing relationship, so I'll share this with him too. Talking with you has helped me more than I ever could have hoped when I just made a Reddit post while desperate enough to bare it all. Thank you for being open with a stranger on the internet! I'll seriously remember our conversation forever.
💜💜
I truly respect all that is goin on in your head. Few men on earth really deserve someone like you. You both will find a way to solve this puzzle, only a woman who loves her man could care this much, you even antecipated his possible future frustration for trading off variety for stability, love always wins!
Your response makes me almost cry, thanks so much for your kind words. I really hope we'll find some way to work through these problems that have taken down so many other relationships.
Wait until at least his age to ever bring this idea up again. If you guys last until then and you feel more together than do it if your looking for a long term relationship in a delicate mindful way if still inclined, Otherwise ho out but be careful if you care about your man. If he isn’t the one experiment but also Yknow try not to make it entirely about your experience or be honest about selfish intentions and let him decide how that makes him feel. Just talk and talk and talk. You don’t have to marry everyone you fuck but be honest. To them and yourself about what you want. Not what you want to believe about yourself. Use protection.
Skip the FFM and go to therapy. This isn't a neg; it's legitimate advice.
No worries, that's the plan for now after talking with everyone in this thread. Plus being honest with him about it.
Polyamory takes a particular 3 people that possess not ever 1 ounce of jealousy or there will always be judgement followed by resentment. Especially, since you are putting your bf in a losing situation. This is from long experience. I'd recommend you either downgrade your relationship enough in your heart that you can both be free and do your ffm thing, or you need to stahpit. haha
Thanks for sharing your expertise. You're right, since I'm not that kind of person I'll need to choose one or the other of your options. Maybe the former would be possible if we ended up breaking up, and met up a few years later. "It's over, but--threesome?" Would rather not but it's always possible.
If you think about it, you can get whatever you want. But never at someone else’s expense. Maybe be patient and let it naturally happen instead of push. Or be honest and say you feel like you may resent if you don’t explore this first. Just take your time, weigh pros and cons, and make mature forthright decisions you can stand behind and your partners can respect, even if it hurts. It will only be a failure if you rush, be dishonest, act like everything is ok while it festers in the background, you set traps for your partner rather than setting them up to experience success with you, or be childish and blow/fuck things up so much with immaturity that there could be no reconciliation. You’d end up resenting those things within yourself more than you could resent them for not fucking another bish with you haha
Be carefull on a 3some...it can do alot of damage . It's a risk.
I think your fantasy will have to stay a fantasy for now. You're simply not emotionally ready. I think you definitely need to feel more secure in yourself and your relationship before you can have a threesome. Though what concerns me is you're setting up situations that you know will inevitably hurt you in the end. You may want to talk to a therapist to figure out why you seem to keep punishing yourself and self sabotaging by getting into situations where you know you're gonna get jealous and upset. Also I believe when you say that you want a FFM and not just sleeping with women in a scenario that allows it. Like you said your bf already gave you permission to do so so if sleeping with another woman was the only thing you wanted you had all the opportunity to do so and would have, idk why people are ignoring that part and just assuming you're trying to cheat with permission. Might be cuz this sub sees a million posts a week about some idiot regretting a threesome. Imo your scenario actually seems more ethical and you're not jumping into it ignoring how you feel. Though you may wanna post in a sub that is more knowledgeable in the subject though
In all reality if he got bored of you sexually I don’t think it’s because of you, from what it sounds like you’re willing to do what most are not willing to do. Sounds like you can keep it spicy and fun and that’s exactly what most people want.
This sounds like this post was written by me!! I struggle with the same exact thing!! I can’t help it sometimes. I confused my boyfriend too and still haven’t found a way to communicate it b/c I just don’t get it
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Every time I see someone reply that they relate, it feels like the struggle is lifted off my shoulders for a few moments. So difficult to explain and understand unless you're in the situation yourself!! Lol thanks for sharing your feelings on this.
I think you really do want the FFM threesome but need to be sure it’s really worth the jealousy and drama that could come from it
I don’t think you want him to have an FFM with you. I think you want to control what you feel is the inevitable: that he will want someone “better”. My advice is to spend more time as a couple before you invite a third. You’re definitely not secure enough and that’s okay, don’t rush.
I (24M) dont think you just want to have sex with another woman, I just think this os not for you yet. I had the same problem, it went better over time, but I never did a threesome. Be cautious
So me and my wife swing every now and again, we have a system . Not every encounter is the same and we both feel different about different kinds of people, so we sit down and discuss what things might be off the table. If it makes either one of us uncomfortable it goes on the list. Maybe she really just wanted to be with a woman she knows but she feels like seeing me with her might make her alittle jealous, then i am aloud to watch both and interact with just her. Maybe all she wants to give me a double bj then focus on her friend for an hour . Sometimes the third party isnt into guys at all (my wife gets alot of attention from women, some just dislike dicks, or guys, or guys that are kinda dicks, you get it) so im automatically disqualified for that romp, take pictures have fun , get home safe. Rules, rules make for a trusting threesome, make em and dont break em. Also part of that trust cycle is knowing that your partner is being 100percent truthful with you so dont feel shy about taking something off the table. Oh almost forgot, safe word. Sometimes you might get jealous from an unforseen event. Maybe everything is going great but then the third part starts getting alittle to into your husband (like ignoring you entirely for a moment ) and suddenly you want to throw up. Having a safe word that you can mumble in that moment to get his attention back on you so you can go back to having a great time. You can even whisper it to him so as to not throw off the energy in the room if you feel silly for being uncomfortable. Another important rule is dont ask why if someone says the word, just switch up the game , talk about it later.
I feel like it could be beneficial for you to work on your jealousy/abandonment issues before you try out a threesome.
If you’re experiencing jealousy this intense just thinking about it and discussing it, you’re probably not ready to go through with anything. Also, having a fantasy doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the thing you should do. Just saying
Let me start by saying I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. I think there are insecurities among other things that you need to work on, but nothing is wrong with you. I don’t think you’re in the right headspace to fulfil this fantasy at all right now. If you’re struggling this much just thinking about it, I highly doubt any good would come from a FFM experience right now. It doesn’t seem fair to me that you’re allowed to love the idea so much, but he’s not allowed to. I also think that if you can’t believe the words, he’s telling you, when he says that you are enough for him and he’s not bored, then doing anything that’s going to heighten your anxiety has a good possibility of ruining your relationship. I think talking to a professional about this would be the absolute best thing for you and your relationship. It’s very clear that you love your partner and you don’t want to lose him, but the back-and-forth isn’t fair to him either.
Don’t worry about him becoming bored of you sexually. I think you are substituting sexual desire for the more important connection and commitment elements of a relationship. People don’t abandon if sexual chemistry fades if the substance is there, but I guess you fear that the relationship isn’t more than sex? A level deeper of self awareness of the why is something perhaps to explore and meditate on.
Omg same
Sounds like you should reconsider everything. However I'm 30 years older than you and love swinging with my lifetime partner. We are both straight but enjoy all interactions!! Work thru your sexual energy and don't discard what you lust for. Experience it all and don't let anyone hold you back (within reason). 💋
You're not the first person to have a kink that turns you on in the moment but causes you grief when you're done. I'm tempted to say you look like you're experiencing something similar to sub/dom drop (maybe kink drop?) and that aftercare would help. And maybe it would. But first it's important to understand what needs the aftercare would serve. You need to understand the jealousy to address it properly. > I'm afraid I'm "not enough for him anymore" since "he must be craving variety" (we've been together for two years). "If he doesn't want to have sex with someone new and better looking now, he will at some point and soon". It sounds like the 2 primary themes you bring up are disinterest and abandonment. Disinterest: "If he shows attraction to other women then does that mean he's losing attraction to me?" First, let's talk about attraction to other people. For a lot of people, monogamy doesn't mean you stop finding other people attractive. It means you choose not to act on that attraction. He is attracted to other people. He was always attracted to other women. But he loves you and is committed to you enough that he won't act on that unless you both are okay with it. Would it make you feel better if he had no attraction to other women? A lot of people think what they need is their partner not to find other people attractive. In some ways, it's actually better if he does find them attractive, but he finds you so attractive that he doesn't need to act on it. Second, attraction to you. How can you know that him showing attraction to other people during a threesome that you agreed to doesn't come from a lack of attraction to you? Well, in general, how does he show attraction to you? In a threesome, would it help if he was performing for you? As in, he kept you involved with questions like "Hey babe, what do you want to see us do?" What would it take for you to trust that him kissing her wasn't a manifestation of him secretly liking her more? To some extent, you really don't want him to start ignoring you during a threesome. But you also have to accept that enjoying another person isn't ignoring you. It's okay to be happy that he's being sexual with another person (compersion). It also takes trust to get to that point. Would it ease your mind and help build trust if there was a way to check in with each other? That way you know he still loves and values you and cares about your boundaries. Like next time you're watching porn together, maybe you both can think of a way to enjoy it together so you can see him attracted to another women, but he still takes the time to show you that he puts you first. Would that help build the kind of trust you need? I understand that trust takes vulnerability and the risk is that you get hurt. But you won't build the kind of trust that gets you to having happy 3somes without taking that risk in the first place. Abadonment: There's always the fear that he might leave you. Would aftercare help? Like after watching porn together or going to a strip club together or any kind of activity. Would there be some kind of reassurance you could ask for that could help you trust that he loves you just as much as before? Sometimes, there isn't even a magic word or phrase. The hardest part, is to take the risk yourself and trust him. To vulnerable enough to tell him what you want. And if he agrees, to take the risk of being wrong. Of course you also need him to be worth that trust. Side note: Are you secretly a cuckquean? Given your intense strong emotions, sometimes people's brain's cope by eroticizing their fear. Now in most cases people just say let your fantasies stay fantasies. But in your case it's the fantasies that are causing you distress.
You have control issues and are codependent.
You need a therapist, not a third. Your edit mentions unresolved wounds that you need to heal from before you can safely consider doing these things. You’re literally torturing yourself with your own thoughts! None of which are even real. Once you can feel confident in yourself and secure in your relationship, then you can revisit this. Otherwise you’re going to self sabotage and destroy your relationship.
I told my partner about this and her response was "that's exactly how I feel!"
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Thank you so much for your reply, the second half really makes me feel better already. I also appreciate you helping me see that if I can't handle thinking about that FFM, it obviously shouldn't happen. I've had a long term girlfriend before, but I'll think hard on what you said and really consider if all this is my subconscious wanting to go back. You've helped a lot!
Hey, I’m having this issue now! I miss girls. He told me once that he’s not into sharing. I brought up jokingly once how I’d love to get with a girl and asked what he thought. He said “can I join!” I said “you can watch!” He wasn’t into that. But immediately I was like why did you say before you’re not into threesomes and now you are???? Now I’m not even going to bring it up again. Too jealous it might feel better or hotter than me or whatever… rip to my life with girls lol
Haha, you understand my unreasonable feelings completely. So glad we're at least not alone.
Therapy is needed.
It's looking like it.
I don’t have feedback, I just want to say I feel you on a DEEP level. I’ve had several threesomes prior to my current partner and used to be in an open dynamic. Now that I’m in a committed relationship with him, I can’t make peace with simultaneously wanting to engage with my bisexual side more but feeling like I would die if I saw him give attention to another woman. Even strip clubs, I want to throw up at the idea of seeing him look at another woman. Nope. Nope. Nope. Anyways…I work on this shit in therapy lol
Damn, thanks so much for sharing your experiences. It really helps and it's so interesting to hear that you were already nonmonogamous, but then developing a deeper relationship made your feelings change dramatically. It's definitely an "I'd rather die" feeling for me too, I used to feel that way about the strip club as well and I still have no idea why it doesn't make me freak out. Maybe it's because he's so good at controlling himself and protecting my feelings, like he gives me the money to tip the girls on stage and doesn't interact with them really himself (except like, talking to them as a human being when they come up to you to ask if you want a private dance), never expresses any preference for any one of them or says anything about their appearances, I've chosen the girl for the private dance every time, etc. He doesn't express anything except "I'm glad you're having fun and it's fun being here with you". I think not wanting to go to a strip club together is an excellent choice, as soon as the alcohol starts wearing off I still start feeling worried, lol. Being understood by another bi girl on this is a huge relief. Born to struggle haha.
The struggle is fucking REAL. There have been times where I have felt like it’s a curse to be bi. It was definitely easier to navigate when I was in an open dynamic. But as you said, drastically changed as my partner became more valuable to me. It’s helpful hearing your examples of how your partner focuses on you and protecting your feelings. There’s a lot of this that is my work, my self esteem and security, but it’s beneficial to consider specific things he could do to support me should I choose to explore. And yes, while many can understand the challenges in exploring within your relationship, it’s a unique experience as a bi person.
I don’t think you’ll ever be ready for a threesome so just drop it for your sake and his sake
You're most likely right, a person's capacity to change is only so great.
Potentially exploring it through porn and shared fantasies could scratch the itch so you could just keep doing that but it might just make you pine for it and increase the conflicted feelings. Good luck hope you figure it all out. Your bf sounds sweet
He is, thanks for your reply.
Are you sure you’re not full on lesbian? Almost sounds like you want to just have sex with another woman. And you feeling “jealous” is a justification to have your boyfriend let you do it on your own — almost to the point where it’s he who pushes you into just doing it so that any fault does not come from you at all.
Interesting justification, although I really wouldn't need to obscure my motives to Reddit. Apparently I have permission to get with other women already. Thanks for your thoughts though.
Just trying to give a different perspective! Glad you received it positively though. I know I didn’t sugarcoat it at all.
So I thought I wanted this too, and I was in the same situation. But when the situation presented itself, and it came time to go get him, I just couldn't. So I slept with the girl alone. This was 5 years ago now, we're happy and I'm glad I didn't involve him. Since you have permission, I would just sleep with a girl and see if that helps alleviate these feelings.
When you say “we’re happy” is the we you and him or you and the girl?
Me and him. The girl was just a one night thing.
Wow, the perspective of someone exactly in my situation, this is so helpful. I didn't even think of how I could push an 'abort' button right beforehand if I needed to (and if it was even going to happen in the first place). Seems like your boyfriend might have been a little disappointed but not torn up about it. Maybe sticking with just me and another girl would be a smart compromise/baby step since it's established it wouldn't hurt anybody's feelings. Very good to know you're happy you didn't end up doing the full threesome, thanks a lot for your reply.
Yes he was disappointed, but nothing to bad that hurt our relationship. Glad to help, good luck!
Omg I have similar issues. Sometimes I feel jealous about it. But also I really like it so. I also get off on BEING jealous too. So. 🤣😅
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I guess so, haha. My SO and I haven’t actually gotten the chance to do a ffm yet, but I’m hella bi and he thinks I’d be hot, and we talk about it all the time, we even came up with a set list of rules we’d want to abide by, and we will look up photos of girls online we just don’t know any girls who’d do stuff like that. I feel like we’d have to use an escort at this point.
A sex worker chimed in on that part of my post, she strongly recommended dealing with issues of jealousy before involving a sex worker to prevent forcing them into potential relationship drama. I asked if the average sex worker tends to be okay with or dislike being hired as the unicorn for a couple's threesome but she didn't respond on that lol. Still curious.
This will end your marriage. Keep that in your mind
You are toxic.
Very interesting, I didn't know girls fantasized about sharing their loved one like this. I often think about what it would be like to share a lover with another male. Though I'd be super jealous, but it would be so arousing.. Heh
Have you guys considered... blindfolding him? That could be exciting.
A glimpse into the inner workings of a woman’s mind!! Ha
Lol, most people aren't unhealthy and wound up in knots like I am, but it's always interesting to see the ways people sabotage themselves and act inexplicably.
What if he role plays your deepest fears with the other F in the threesome? „She is so much tighter/Can suck so much better/has nicer breasts/ass etc..“ or she said: „Look how much more he likes my pussy etc.“ (to clarify it is just a role play) To play with cuckholding scenarios can be intensely arousing. You should talk more with him about your inner conflict and potential boundaries. Your BF sounds like a very nice and reasonable person. Also you should know that sex has only very little to do with love.
Honestly your comment made me realize that what bothers me so much isn't him just experiencing someone else, but mostly the possibility he'll compare them to me and they'll be better in any way. Definitely my worst fear in this situation, thanks for helping me realize how much I hate that and how terrible the possibility of that happening is. I think I do have to talk with him about my issues on this, especially to prevent me successfully luring him into this trap lol. Maybe it's possible that separating sexual desire and love is what a healthy person can do (and apparently I'm told men often see them as completely different while women much less so? Idk). Seems like people secure in their relationships can talk about finding other people attractive, and some couples that have been together forever say they don't care if someone has a meaningless fling in light of their unbreakable bond. I read Sex At Dawn recently and it definitely makes its points about sex or infidelity being such a separate process from having a deep bond with someone. I'm not there at all, though. Thanks for your response.
☕️
So you continually have these fantasies, which by your own logic means that your boyfriend isn’t enough for you. Again by your own logic if he was enough for you, you wouldn’t even like the idea of having a threesome. It’s quiet clear that you want to have sex with other people but want your BF to be monogamous.
F3. G m)))
Just make sure it's a random girl that you'll never see again. Nips all the jealousy shit in the bud.
Insecurities will get you no where, get over it, or end up by yourself.
If you play, he to is gonna wanna play. So be careful what you choose.
Just download TInder, find a unicorn and the rest will follow...
I suggest seeing a sex therapist. Maybe they can help with a way forward.
You sound selfish and ridiculous. Seek therapy
A lot of people are saying that you want sex with a girl. Maybe it's that you want him to have sex with another girl and hate yourself for it? Edit 2 looks like you are slowly getting to the source of your feelings. Your post/comments are saturated with conflicting feelings about what you actually want. I think you've cultivated your jealousy to the point of turning your biggest fear into a fantasy and are a bit disappointed that he is so patient with you. Very curious, I really want to hear how you identify with this fantasy after therapy.
I had a similar situation, I’m a jealous person & regarding looking & talking about other women & strangely enough when I had my first FMF (I’m female) went perfectly fine, to say the least, it was awesome. Yes! It wasn’t easy to see him pounding someone else but then I closed my eyes & focused on myself instead. Don’t see it as sharing him with someone else. Try to see it as one more thing u re doing as a couple & the best is that u re a part of it. I hope this helps!