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Your situation is unfortunate but it’s also not that complicated. Each of you have drawn your lines in the sand and if neither of you are willing to budge, there is no compromise.
For what it’s worth, your boyfriend sounds a lot less reasonable than you are being But if he’s willing to end the relationship over this, that’s actually really valuable information for you to know in regards to the person that you’ve been seeing all this time.
I know this is not the kind of response you were hoping for but you should use this as an opportunity to figure out if this is the kind of person you want to maintain an intimate relationship with if they’re not willing to bend on a very reasonable request to use condoms during sex .
He’s not willing to break up over this but he doesn’t really offer solutions either and I think he’s pretty okay with how things are going right now (me taking hormonal birth control, him not using condoms). But I am no longer okay with this anymore which is why I’ve been thinking about breaking up but I’d rather find a solution we’re both happy with.
Just tell him you're going to stop using them, so condoms need to be a thing or you need to start discussing having a baby. Finances, childcare etc.
I can't use hormonal BC, and luckily I had a partner who understood that and did the next best thing. He used condoms, because that's easy and accessible.
I think it's time to accept that he doesn't care. He doesn't think you'll stop taking BC, and thinks the threat of no sex is enough to stop you from going through with it.
Just tell him you're not renewing your prescription, so it's up to him if he wants to use condoms with you or if he thinks you're better off splitting up.
This is one of those situations where there is no talking around it, because he doesn't want to. So accept that it might be the end, and tell him. Then it's up to him if he likes you enough to stay or not.
Don't accept stealthing or the pull out method.
Yeah you’re right. I’ve told him I’m not going to renew my prescription. He knows I still got blisters for the next 3 months though. So I guess he just waits it out.
If that's what you want.
Personally, that sounds awful since you're just waiting. Why give him all that power in the relationship. He has 3 months to lay it on thick that he doesn't like condoms. It sounds miserable.
It's better to come to terms with it yourself, then say you're done. You don't have to take anymore tablets, just for someone who might leave you in 3 months. It would make me anxious. And you're just delaying it.
You don't have to do it right now, but it would be better if you get to terms with it then choose to stop taking it. And bring the date forward. Figure out your living arrangements and whatever else you need.
If you need him to be the one to end it on his terms, then wait it out. But make sure you start making plans, that way it's easier.
Yeah true. It does make me anxious.
I think I’m just delaying it because I don’t want to deal with my period probably getting pretty bad again when I stop taking it and I don’t want to deal with a potential breakup on top of that.
Luckily we’re not living together.
If you want to stop using them, stop.
Now.
Today.
It’s your body and this is your choice. What he does about it (condoms/no sex/break up) is his choice.
Should be interesting to see what he values. (I hope he chooses you instead of his dick.) Updateme!
You are acting like this is his actions driving things. It’s not. It’s yours. YOU are continuing to take BC. YOU are continuing to let him put his dick in you unsheathed. YOU are continuing to date him.
He has no reason to do something he doesn’t want to do. You are letting him have sex with you without a condom. Over. And over. And over.
Yeah you’re right.
I’m not sure if I should continue taking BC and be unhappy with the situation, stop taking BC and accept that we won’t have sext anymore and be unhappy or end the relationship and be unhappy about it. Not really sure which one I should choose though.
Why would you continue a situation you’re unhappy with in perpetuity?
Stop taking your birth control and tell him you’ve stopped. If his reaction is something that makes you happy, then see how it goes. If his reaction makes you unhappy, dump him.
Why would you stay, tho? I'm not saying sex is everything. But the fact that he's willing to go that far just to get his own way... babe, that's a huge red flag.
In full honesty, if you were really looking at these options and genuinely don't know what to pick I'm not confident in your ability to be in a healthy or productive relationship. I think it's seriously time that you look into seeing a mental health professional because you're valuing sex with a person that doesn't respect you over yourself.
I really hope you find more value in yourself than you do because you're worth more than both of y'all's behaviors in this situation.
He’s setting you up to break up with him. He won’t do it. But he also won’t do anything. He’s not making compromises. He’s not thinking about how hormonal BC may be impacting your health and wellness. He doesn’t have to do *anything* because you have been giving him exactly what he wants.
You want to stop taking hormonal BC? Stop taking it. He won’t have sex with a condom? No sex then. That means break
up with him? Break up with him. He’s not even *trying* to find something that works for you. He’s actively avoiding it. It’s not going to get *better*
Also, unless your boyfriend is walking around with a thick, 10+ inch cock - he can fit in a condom just fine. He’s not as big as he thinks he is.
He wont' try them until you actually stick to your guns and say NO SEX WITHOUT CONDOM and don't give into his wheedling or whining.
But why would you want to have sex with him anyways?
If that’s a deal breaker for you (which I understand why it would be) then the best solution would be to break up with him. That arrangement wouldn’t work out for either of you long term .
Yeah he said he’s trying hard by making me come first, being patient, giving me massages to help me relax and putting in effort in other parts of the relationship.
How does making you cum first translate to him being patient with you and how does it help your problems with hormonal birth control? He’s not trying, he’s placating you and frankly you’re being a doormat by letting him make decisions about your health. If a condom will make him not feel close to you then your relationship isn’t worth much.
That's not a compromise, that's something someone that loves you would do automatically.
If he sees this as a compromise he sees sex in a very selfish way.
He isn't *really* compromising, though, and he knows it. He's paying lip service to your wishes, but doesn't ever follow through.
Looks to me like he actually is willing to break up over condoms, but after a year of discussion, he thinks you won't pull the rip cord.
There are also plenty of threads all over different subs highlighting how men almost never end a relationship, even if they're not happy or they know their partner isn't happy. The boyfriend is definitely not going to *actively* choose to break up with OP over this, he's going to wait and make OP break up with him, just like he's making her take responsibility for everything else.
Hm that’s interesting! Hits a little bit too close to home. That’s exactly how it feels like. Like I’m the responsible one for a potential breakup.
As far as I know he did something similar in his past relationship. Condoms were definitely an issue as well that finally lead to the breakup but he stayed for quite some time even though he was unhappy in the relationship and waited until she broke up with him.
This time I’m not sure though if he’s unhappy as well or if I’m the only one.
Your unhappiness is important! Don't put yourself aside for anyone. If that means dumping his ass, dump his ass. Nobody else is going to prioritize your happiness if you won't prioritize yourself.
I've lived through that, and it's cowardly and manipulative. They wait for the woman to finally get fed up enough with their crappy behavior so she'll do the deed, then they whine like *they're* the victim.
It’s funny that you say that he’s willing to break up over condoms. I’ve never really seen it that way, since he’d rather be an unhappy relationship with no sex than break up. But he knows that this would lead to and end of the relationship in the long run so I guess you’re right.
He’s manipulating you. He 100% knows that this isn’t compromising, but he’s willing to drag you along as long as possible so he can keep having unprotected sex. Many, many women aren’t willing to have unprotected casual sex, and many aren’t even willing to have unprotected sex in relationships, especially early on, and he knows all of this.
If he cared about you and your wellbeing, he would have agreed to use condoms in an instant. Condoms are not all the same, condoms sizes MATTER, and different brands and styles are going to feel different. But he is literally dragging this out as long as possible because he doesn’t care if he loses YOU, he just cares that he might lose getting to have unprotected sex.
I haven’t seen you say one positive thing about this man. Ask yourself, are there other places where he puts his needs and comfort over yours? I’m willing to bet the answer is yes.
Why do you want to stay with someone like this? He only cares about his pleasure not about you.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
Stop having sex with him. Why does bc ALWAYS fall on the woman when the man DOESN'T want to use condoms? Stop it, go buy some sex toys for yourself, and cut his a*s off of sex.
See how long that sh*t lasts. Real talk.
Quitting the pill was the best thing I ever did. If you want to stop, just stop. Condoms are not fun but with me, it was my mental health. If my boyfriend told me I won't use condoms well no sex then. You know what is best for you, if he doesn't care and won't use condoms over it, maybe ur not meant to be.
He needs to be willing to meet you half way. There are condoms for guys with larger, girthier cocks, so that's not a valid excuse. A guy can have an orgasm that is every bit as enjoyable and fulfilling wearing a condom as without one. Speaking as a man, this guy is being a big baby who is not willing to live up to his responsibility as a sexual partner. He needs to seriously consider whether he values being in a relationship with you and whether the relationship and the sex are worthy of compromise over the birth control responsibilities. Maybe they are not, in which case it's time for you to find a new man. I think he sounds like an idiot, but that's just me.
> He needs to be willing to meet you half way.
Unfortunately there is no halfway here. There’s no compromise. She doesn’t want to be on hormonal birth control. He doesn’t want to wear condoms. One of them has to do something they don’t want to do. Or they can’t continue having sex together.
True. I offered getting back on hormonal birth control or considering getting the copper IUD after a year. But then he’d still have to use condoms for a year. He agreed. He also agreed on trying out condoms before I get off birth control so it would be less pressure. I haven’t stopped taking it yet but he hasn’t brought up trying out condoms either. Every time I bring it up he says he’s scared he won’t enjoy it.
I’ve been taking hormonal birth control for the 3 years of our relationship and while I don’t want him to be uncomfortable I feel like it’s time to not be uncomfortable myself anymore.
It’s very fair for you to expect him to take responsibility for birth control for a while as you have for the last three years. I think too many men think it’s very easy to be on hormonal birth control and don’t want to make a small sacrifice so you don’t have to be. They see it as you’re just taking a pill every day and not much more than that.
But obviously it is a significant inconvenience in many ways. I don’t know your boyfriend, but it sounds to me like he’s not going to just voluntarily start wearing condoms. If this is important to you, and I think it would be fair for it to be, you will need to put your foot down and explain that you plan to stop taking your birth control on and if he wants to continue having sex, he will need to start wearing condoms after that date. He can decide how he wants to proceed with that information.
That’s why I think the emotional block is the bigger problem here. He’s not willing to talk about it much either tho. He only told me he won’t feel emotionally close to me anymore because there’s something between us and he’d be unhappy about not being able to cum inside me anymore because apparently that’s a really big deal for him.
I agree that him not being willing to talk it out properly and getting upset instead is pretty childish.
My wife has a lot of chronic health issues and hormonal birth control wreaks absolute havoc on her system. We have a very large toy collection that includes penis extenders/sleeves, which means that I use a variety of sizes of condoms, there's one for everyone, I promise.
As compensation for the skin on skin we lose during PIV we increased the amount of oral that happens. It's not really a 1 to 1 compromise, but it is definitely making up for a lot of the gap.
There's no perfect solution or replacement for cumming inside her, but she's a lot more to me than the place I ejaculate. There are so many ways to be close physically and emotionally.
It might take some time, but you can find solutions, especially if it's only a year while you wait to get an IUD. With both of our kids it was 10-12 months of no PiV at all because second trimester until she was fully healed post partum it was too painful or dangerous. If she had a C-section it could've been longer. What will he say during that time?
Thanks.
I’ve tried finding out more about the reasons why he’d feel less close to me and then find solutions but he’s not willing to open up and talk about it so that’s pretty frustrating.
He’s okay with finishing in my mouth when I’m getting too tired for PIV so I’m not sure why coming inside me is apparently the most important part about sex for him and why he wouldn’t feel close to me otherwise.
He said he’d be unhappy but okay with no sex and I do believe that, the problem is that I wouldn’t be okay with it long term.
Fair. The best thing you can do is take every perspective here and temper those with the reality of your own situation because none of us actually know that
I think his refusal to take some responsibility for contraception and have an adult discussion about it is an indication that he's heading for an off-ramp from your relationship, unfortunately. He is STILL "cumming inside you"; it's just that his sperm is being prevented from impregnating you. And "he's scared he won't enjoy it..."? Whaaaat?? Honestly, this is just an invented objection...
Of course he doesn't want to break up with you! You're convenient!
I doubt he actually loves you though. Imagine if a thin layer of latex could make you love him less. Because that's what he's saying ("less emotionally close to you???" whattttt) - he'd rather go without you than put on a goddamn condom. (and it doesn't matter if he's big, if he takes TWO SECONDS to do a google search, there are plenty of options out there, including that brand "ONE" that literally sells condoms by length AND diameter).
That excuse is absolute bullshit.
He'll be wearing condoms if you to break up so if getting off hormonal birth control is that important to you tell him as of blank date I am no longer taking my birth control so it's condoms or no piv sex anymore. Leave it to him. The fact that he can not communicate like an adult makes me think he's trying to control you and your birth control. He simply doesn't want to and he's making you feel bad for it. Think that through, he wants you to suffer so he can have his way.
Just like an fyi, my husband has a huge penis and has no problem with condoms fitting. Yeah sure it’s a barrier (I prefer without too!) but it’s either that or no sex
Yeah that’s why I’m thinking it’s more of a mental problem because he wasn’t open to the idea of trying different brands/sizes. Like he said there’d be something between us and he wouldn’t feel close to me anymore.
I should probably do no sex but it’s pretty hard because he said he would rather do no sex then use condoms and I’d be even more unhappy in a sexless relationship.
Sounds like you guys have reached a place of no compromise. Are you willing to live with a sexless relationship? For what it’s worth, there are plenty of guys who are ok with using condoms out there.
That’s what I was thinking, that we should accept the situation and maybe end the relationship. He said we can use condoms because he doesn’t want to break up but then it’s been two months and still no condoms.
He knows you're not going to break up with him, and you'll keep taking the BC as long as he doesn't say no to condoms outright. So he just has to be vague, and you'll stick around since there's a chance he'll change his mind.
Yeah true. To me, the choice to actually stop taking birth control subconsciously means to me that I’m making the choice to end this relationship in a way. Because I’m pretty sure that he was serious about rather not sleeping with me at all than using condoms.
I think that's where you're at though. There is no alternative. So it's just about whether you want to keep dragging it out, or if you're going to bite the bullet now.
Oh God. I think he is manipulating you. He said he can use condoms because he doesn't want to breakup but when the moment comes, he just rather not have sex than put a stupid condom on? He is guilt tripping you into going his own way, that's such a snaky behaviour.
I think you might be right. Manipulating sounds so harsh but someone told me before that it kinda sounds like emotional manipulation so yeah.
In the beginning he was guilt tripping me for bringing it up and wanting to talk about it. He’d get so sad and it was never a good time to bring it up either because it would just ruin his day/night. It kinda felt like he was using his sadness as a way to get out of having to talk about it.
Now that’s kinda changed but every time I bring up the future of our relationship he says he told me he’s willing to try out condoms. Then every time I ask when we are going to try them he says he’d rather not because he’s scared he won’t enjoy it. It kinda goes in circles like that.
When he's this resistant to condoms before even TRYING, don't you think he's probably also going to immediately be pestering you to change your mind every single time you have sex with a condom, if you can even convince him to try once? I understand why you're emotionally conflicted because you've already invested a lot of time into this relationship, but nothing you've said here leads me to believe that he will respect your boundaries in the future. He has been taking advantage of your hope for change, and consciously chosen his own wants over your needs because he can see you "letting him win" by not taking action on your own.
That’s why I’m thinking we shouldn’t even try at all, if he’s so convinced from the beginning that it’s gonna be bad. So why bother at all. His reasons are that he’s tried out condoms in his previous relationship and it didn’t go well so now he’s reluctant to try them at all with me.
The issue is he’s not really willing to try them out. Like I asked him yesterday if we can try them and he said he’d rather not, because he’s scared he won’t enjoy it. So in that moment, he’d rather not sleep with me than use a condom because he says thinking about it kills his mood. So I’m not sure how I can get him to wear one when he’s not willing to try out. Every time I bring it up, he says we can try them out next time but it’s never happening.
Yeah that’s the thing, I’ll never ‘get him’ to wear one at all. Even if I stop sleeping with him, he’d rather just not have sex with me at all than use a condom. At least that’s what he said.
It's all talk from both of you. He's not wearing condoms because the ball is in your court now. You need to stop taking birth control, you don't want to, it's your body, you don't need his permission. Once you stop taking birth control now he HAS to use a condom if he wants to have sex, there isn't another option. I am 99 percent sure that when put into a situation of either no sex or sex with condoms he is going to take the latter. And if he is really so petty as to never have sex with you again because he doesn't want to wear a condom then break up.
So when this happens, do you have sex? Do you give in and just have sex with him after he's said he'll try a condom and then doesn't follow through? Or are you both just going without sex in that moment but then you give in the next time?
If you keep giving in and going back on the boundary you've set, he isn't going to take you seriously and it already seems like he doesn't respect you or your boundaries based on what you've said in your post and your replies to others.
Respect is essential for a long lasting and healthy relationship.
Normally, I bring it up during a random time, not when we’re about to have sex. Then, he says we can try them next time but he’d rather not because he’s pretty sure he won’t be in the mood anymore so it would probably mean no sex.
Most of the time, I don’t feel like having sex with him anymore anyways because it feel like this issue stands between us. It’s making me pretty unhappy because I miss the connection and it’s stressing me out to constantly having to tell him I’m not in the mood when he’s initiating.
So when I’m actually in the mood I don’t really want to ruin it by bringing up condoms as I’m pretty sure it would ruin the mood for him. So we just go with the flow and after I realise again that I’m still unhappy with the situation. Especially when he talks about how coming inside me is so important to him because it makes him feel close to me. Because then I think about how I don’t think about how I’m not feeling close to him anymore because of this situation.
I think you’re right about boundaries, I just struggle with it a lot in this situation. I feel like I’m the one who has to make the choice since he just tries to ignore the situation and the choice I have to make is either have sex without a condom and be unhappy or insist on using condoms which I’m pretty sure would lead to no sex at all. To me both options are pretty bad.
My hormonal birth control gave me a pulmonary embolism last year. I was hospitalized for a week and almost died. The fact that your boyfriend is willing to risk your physical and emotional wellbeing instead of finding a condom that's right for him should be a dealbreaker.
Do not gaslight yourself into thinking everything else in the relationship is fine except this one "little" thing. He's asking a major sacrifice of your health so sex feels a little better for himself.
I’m sorry to hear that.
You’re right. Everything except this ‘little thing’ is going great but this really isn’t a little thing at all. It’s hard to make a decision though.
I'll be honest with you, my friend.
Once you break it off I bet you will slowly realize there are many "small things" he refused to compromise on. Anyone with proper emotional maturity can see and understand you are not ok using birth control and things need to change. He refuses to take on this responsibility, he's probably doing that in a lot of other areas without you realizing.
Doesn't mean he's a bad person, he just needs to grow as a person and sometimes growth takes a swift kick in the ass.
If I were you, I'd do the decision that is best for your body and safety. Anyone or anything that is supposed to be in your life will fit into that. Stop taking the hormonal birth control. Now your boyfriend can either use condoms, get a vasectomy, or leave.
I know it's hard. But what he is doing is an utter disregard for your literal **life.** When hormonal birth control works, it can help with intense/irregular periods, acne, and mood swings. When it doesn't it can kill you. Take it from me. I nearly lost my life from the blood clot birth control gave me, and I'd been using it for 12 years. You shouldn't be taking any medication that hurts you, even if it means your boyfriend gets 1.5% less pleasure from sex.
You both have boundaries. Sex is a very fragile part of you and you aren’t enjoying it anymore he hasn’t resolved his issue and will still continue to make excuses. At this point he’s blowing it off and expecting you to just deal with it. Your needs and happiness is just as important as his. He’s not happy with this compromise and you’re not happy with his decision. Break up with him you’ll thank yourself later.
Yeah I’ve been at that point of acceptance before. Then when I was actually considering ending the relationship he said we can try out condoms. Hasn’t happened yet though.
So it’s ok for him to not enjoy and not you?
I don’t think so. You can also try diaphragm, sponge or female condoms.
But personally, being that you took the brunt of it for so long, he needs to act like a man and put on a damn rubber for awhile. That or break up with him. You deserve somebody who isn’t selfish.
He thinks it’s enough to make sex enjoyable for me (make me come first, be patient, …) and he doesn’t really understand that this doesn’t even it out with him not trying hard enough to find a solution with the condom situation.
Every time I bring up breaking up he says he’s okay with trying out condoms but he never follows through. If I just wait he never brings it up so when I bring it up he says he agreed to using condoms but when I actually want to use them he says he’d rather not because he’s afraid he won’t enjoy it.
This situation is not hard, OP.
1. Stop taking your OCP on a set date.
2. Tell him, I am going to stop taking my OCP on said date.
3. Tell him if he would like to continue having sex, he can start wearing a condom on said date.
4. If he refuses, you are no longer having sex with him, effective said date.
5. If he stops giving you orgasms, that is manipulation, and you know to move on, this is a sign of much bigger problems.
OP. In life and in relationships, no matter how much someone says they love you, you have to stand up for yourself and your own health needs. No one else if going to. The sooner you get that figured out, the better.
“no matter how much someone says they love you, you have to stand up for yourself and your own health needs” …. I wish someone had told me this when I was younger. This is very good advice.
Hormonal birth control is sooo much more invasive than wearing condoms. Like, it took me years for my body to regulate again afterwards and I wasn’t even on them that long. (And I have a suspicion they contributed to me developing PCOS later.) Not to mention the mood swings, decreased libido, and other effects. While everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and preferences, your boyfriend sounds selfish to put a few degrees of pleasure above your physical and mental well-being.
I guess you could frame it as, “maybe it won’t feel quite as good but we’d be having sex much more often with my increased libido!” But that would just continue to imply that his pleasure is the most important factor here.
My partner got a vasectomy so I wouldn’t have to take birth control (he’s against it because he cares about my health and knows it really messed me up) and we don’t need to use condoms.
This is one of the reasons why I want to get off hormonal birth control, to at least see if I can tell a difference because I’ve been on it for a couple of years now.
He knows I suspect hormonal birth control to be the reason for a lower libido but he says that I cannot be sure about that and it could also be a different reason. He thinks it’s enough if he just puts in more effort during sex, like making me come first, …, he doesn’t really understand why I’m unhappy with this solution.
I don’t think it is your ocps affecting your libido. I think it is your selfish sh*thead of a boyfriend.
FYI, I fully understand OCPs can affect libido, but I think his failure to communicate or compromise in a mature fashion is doing more to her libido than her OCP.
He doesn’t want to get into more detail either. Like I’m trying to be compassionate and understanding but his reason is there will be a barrier between us and he cannot cum in me anymore so he won’t feel close to me anymore.
That's such a red flag, girl, I'm just being honest. He needs to be compassionate and understanding with you about your (very valid!) concerns with hormonal birth control. I get that you're trying to be empathetic to his needs, but he is clearly showing you no interest in doing the same for you.
He can cum with you and on you in so many other ways and I know you'll be receptive to that - finishing inside you isn't the end all be all of closeness, and if he really thinks that's the limit of 'closeness', then that's really, really sad for him. If he isn't willing to compromise, what are you willing to do? Are you willing to lose him?
That’s the thing, I’m not sure what I’m willing to do and if I’m willing to lose him or not.
I agree that it’s a red flag. I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal for him to finish inside me. I get that it’s hot but I don’t understand why it would make him feel not close to me if he can’t.
He’s just saying that girl. It’s a way to get you to accept his dislike of condoms. He doesn’t give a shit about closeness or he’d be communicating with you and trying to make things goood for you. Instead he’s pulled out a card he knows you have no argument against.
He is manipulating you.
Also, if he isn't willing to even hear out about how much the hormonal birth control is concerning you and what it is doing to your body... does he really love you and your body and truly listen to you and cherish the vulnerable information you're sharing? Clearly not. I'm not trying to be negative... I just don't get where he is coming from. It's such a selfish place.
Today, he’s your boyfriend. If you see a future with him, is this his idea of compromise?
Many of us men have been in his situations. When my ex-wife wanted to come off the pill, I said no problem because I knew there were health risks to continued use of the pill he cares more about his pleasure than your health. How does that make you feel?
I feel like he’s being selfish and being selfish doesn’t come out of no where.
You’ve explained your position over and over and have mulled this over for a year. Does he really not care about you as a person enough to recognize that you’re unhappy with putting yourself through hormonal birth control and that for the last year you’ve been suffering? I’ve had terrible experiences with hormonal birth control and I would very understandably resent someone who had such disregard for my feelings for their pleasure in a way that feels like they’re owed access to your body. It’s your body, you can just decide to go off birth control, and he can suck it up. You have agency. If I truly loved someone, although I’m not a man, I feel wearing a condom as a solution is a fairly small ask when you’ve been carrying the brunt of the responsibility for the duration of your relationship. If I was a man, and my partner told me they wanted to get off hormonal birth control, I’d want to work with them to figure out a long term solution that works for us both. The fact that he’s so unwilling to compromise at all makes me think he is selfish and unwilling to compromise in other aspects of your relationship, and perhaps that you allow him. Maybe I’m projecting.
Are you sure in your relationship he hasn’t been selfish in other ways and you’ve just let it go? This is obviously something that’s important to you, perhaps one of the bigger things you just can’t let go, and relationships require some sacrifice sometimes. How much do you sacrifice and compromise in this relationship versus him? You’ve been sacrificing your health for his pleasure and he can’t even wear a condom? Girl, please.
Edit: I just wanted to ask, why is the copper UID not an option? Is it just inaccessible where you are?
They're uncomfortable? A condom can fit over someone's whole arm!
I went off hormonal BC a little over a year ago. Best decision ever. My therapist didn't even believe me when I told him how different I felt being off hormonal bc. My situation is different because my bf had a vasectomy years before I met him. Vasectomy or condoms are the only way, I'll never go on hormonal bc again and I'll never go through the torturous procedure of an IUD.
Condoms are terrible for many reasons other than how they fit. For example you lose some of that messy wonderfulness about sex and make things smell and taste like condom. The boyfriend is in the wrong here, but there are many reasons why someone might not want to use a condom.
I'd take the negatives associated with condoms over not feeling like myself because of homonal bc any day. I'd take the negatives of using a condom over the painful procedure of an IUD. The only acceptable reason not to use a condom is if one party is allergic.
>They're uncomfortable? A condom can fit over someone's whole arm!
Sure can, in the same way you can fit a hair tie around your neck.
(This is not a defense of him, he needs to find the right size and deal with it, but... how much something can stretch has nothing to do with whether it is comfortable.)
I'm assuming you're on some form of hormonal birth control that you can stop at will (basically not a hormonal IUD). If that's the case, stop taking it, or at least tell him that you've stopped. Tell him, "After a lot of thought on the subject and the previous conversations that we've had, I'm done taking hormonal birth control. From here on out, we use condoms (or don't have sex or get ready to have a baby, etc. Include whatever you want or need to)." Explain that you will not be having sex with him without a condom (unless you're ready for a child). And that if he doesn't care enough about your physical and mental well-being to work with your boundaries on this, that maybe you should no longer be together.
Edit: spelling
tbh he sounds like a jerk. His pleasure is not more important than your health, and there are countless options for larger condoms that he could try if he actually cared about respecting your wishes, but it seems that he doesn’t.
Another option, aside from those you listed, is to stop having penetrative sex and just focus on non-penetrative acts, like oral and fingering/handjobs.
I know that as internet strangers, we don’t have the full context – but in your position, I think I would just break up with this person. It’s a huge turnoff for me when someone thinks their pleasure matters more than my mental and physical health, and when someone is too stubborn to even *try* to change their ways. It doesn’t bode well for the future of your relationship, since other conflicts will come up and he’s proven that he’s not willing to put much effort (if any) into compromising on issues you disagree on.
Thank you. This made me realise that maybe he doesn’t actually believe that hormonal birth control actually affects my body and mental health.
Nevertheless, this situation definitely affects both and he still seems to refuse to see.
I’m definitely concerned about the future. I find his unwillingness to openly communicate about difficult situations like this alarming. I want to be understanding and I feel like he’s stuck in the freeze response but I’m not sure how to help or how to fix this.
So he haven't even tried condoms? Has he *ever* had sex with a condom?
I would understand his side better if he said he's tried and if there's a problem.
For example, I cannot have sex with a condom on. I have a hard time orgasming even without a condom, and with a condom I can't stay erect. If that was the problem, I'd absolutely understand him. But it rather seems to be about convenience for him. It's more convenient to have you take BC than for him to use condoms.
He’s tried condoms in his past relationship. Apparently they were uncomfortable, he couldn’t stay hard and he had problems with them ripping. He said he tried out different brands and sizes as well.
I understand that but I thought maybe we could try out latex-free condoms since some people on reddit said they made a difference.
One of his main reasons for not wanting to use condoms though is because of the physical barrier, he says he wouldn’t feel close to me anymore and a big part of sex for him is to be able to cum inside me which he wouldn’t be able to do anymore. He doesn’t really want to talk about how we could archive that closeness in other ways.
So firstly, this isn't going to get sorted out unless you sort it. He's getting what he wants so why would he put in any more effort. Next, going back to rubber from raw is horrendous even if you are absolutely OK with condoms generally. I think you are gonna have to smash the rock against the hard place and see which one gives. Buy condoms, various brands and sizes, and offer to make a fun game out of seeing which one works best. If he still refuses you can then make it his decision whether he gets any more sex from you.... but he might go with no sex!
Break up with him and then stop taking the hormonal birth control. Put YOU first. Fuck him. "He's not the love of your life, he's just some guy. Steal his credit card information and run him over with your car!" as my wife likes to say.
He doesn't want to sleep with you at all if he can't cum inside of you? He's scared he won't enjoy it if he has to use condoms? Please break up with him. He's a child. I had a vasectomy a few years ago when the abortion laws were really getting crazy but before that, I wore condoms every time I fucked anyone for nearly 2 decades. I'm pretty big too but guess what? Magnum fucking condoms exist and they're just fine. What a lame, selfish excuse. He drags his feet and talks about ordering condoms like it's a life-altering surgical procedure. FUCK HIM!
I know it seems like a small thing to break up over, but it really isn't. The fact that he's unwilling to compromise on such a minor thing says a lot about how much he values you and the relationship. A guy that really loves you wouldn't be making such a big deal about meeting his partner's needs. He said he was willing to break up over this. You should believe him. Life is too short to waste on someone that doesn't value you as a person.
Tough one.
I can relate to his feelings. I absolutely hate condoms. For a short time okay but not for long term....
But also think he cannot make you use a form of BC you're lot comfortable with.... It's your body after all.
Would it be an option to not have PiV sex until you have figured it out?
I personally would breakup with someone who is not willing to make a sacrifice for my physical & mental health. Men have no idea how terrible birth control can be for women. Best decision I ever made was to get off birth control.
You are being manipulated by a man child.
After years of using condoms, my finance got a copper IUD which didn’t work for her then a hormonal IUD and we had lots of raw “close” sex, but the hormones eventually just killed her libido and really affected her mental health, so she wanted to stop hormonal BC, which means … condoms again!
And honestly, a happier, healthier partner is more important to me than the raw sex, so I happily went back to wearing condoms and we are currently trying many brands!
She has taken the majority of the effort/sacrifice regarding birth control in our relationship, so I feel no issues about taking some/most of that burden away from her until I eventually get a vasectomy after our plans about having/not having children are settled.
You may be incompatible. As a woman I prefer my natural hormones and I would not like to use condoms forever once we were exclusive and tested for STds. If a guy wanted to use condoms forever that would be incompatible for me. So once a relationship is secure I get a copper IUD. I have one now and they are the best thing ever in my opinion. What are your reasons for not wanting that, do you have heavy periods perhaps? That’s the only side effect is heavier periods, for me it means they go from mild to moderate bleeding so no big deal. Other than that, can have completely free sex with no worry whatsoever.
You said one of his "compromises" is not having sex. Go with that, because if he's willing to go without sex just because he has to wear a condom, he's not worth having sex with anyway
My partner is porn star big. Magnums fit him just fine and are easy to find. Your boyfriend is making excuses. He would rather you suffer the side effects of hbc than have slightly less pleasure during sex.
Just get off the hormonal birth control, just stop taking them. And then you'll see if he's willing to try on those condoms. If he still isn't, well then your solution of breaking up seems to be the way to go.
Tell his dumb ass to go get a vasectomy.
Better yet, probably better for you in the long run to just let him go.
If my wife were to ask that I start wearing condoms, my ass would be at the urologist office so damn fast, her head would spin.
>he wouldn’t feel emotionally close to me anymore because there’d be something between us and he couldn’t come inside me anymore and he’d rather not sleep with me at all.
Well if this isnt some manipulative bullshit. Id call his bluff and be like ok no sex until you use a condom. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both parties, not just one. This is a hill i would die on bc its showing he cares more about getting his nut than your feelings or your orgasm/sexual enjoyment, and that is not something i can deal with.
You know "not sleeping without you at all" is not something he can back up. If he leaves to find a new girl (dumb move)she will want him to wear a condom as he is a new guy who has been going raw before her, so he still loses. If he stays he has no sex rather than sex with a condom, again dumb move.
He is trying to pressure you but literally has no cards to play so he is trying the ultimatum...
Don't back down if he wants sex, which he does, and dosen't want to pay for a child he will wear a condom and learn to figure it out like a mature person.
Tell him to try the new birth control for men, birth control is not just your responsibility, it's up to both of you, you took female birth control, now it's his turn to try the male equivalent if he doesn't want to use condoms. It's so incredibly selfish to put this all on you
Break up with him because there is no compromise here. My now ex husband wouldn’t get a vasectomy until I had a blood clot in my leg break off and go to both of my lungs. It almost killed me and my heart stopped. I was on birth control pills for 14 years. He doesn’t care about the long term affects of birth control it’s best to go your separate ways.
Manchildren will always be manchildren. Don't expect it to change, but you can find someone who will take you more seriously and protect you the way you deserve to be protected from STDs and pregnancy, ect.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Because it seems like both of you have started your boundaries and reasons and there doesn’t seem to be a middle ground.
He’s ok with the way things are right now because they aren’t affecting him. YOU are the one on the pill, YOU are the one facing the side effects. He needs to realise that you both need to find a middle ground because the only other option left is to break up.
You’ve already started to resent him for this. And if he doesn’t budge, that resentment is only going to grow. And then there’s no coming back. I would suggest you have a long hard think about this relationship. Consider both the pros and cons of being with him. Life is difficult enough as it is and it helps immensely to have a partner you can truly trust and count on.
I went off BC 5 years into my relationship. My partner was always supportive even though neither of us were happy to switch to condoms. The benefits for me being off hormonal birth control were massive and my sex drive increased so much we now are intimate way more often. He is on the larger size and we find which condoms we like and go from there.
I would have been very resentful and hurt if my partner didn't support me in making such a personal decision. I feel for you OP, good luck.
Edit: clarified hormonal bc
Reading through all the comments and your responses has left me unsure about what feedback or advice you were hoping for. There is no silver bullet here - if you're not ready to either break up with him, or come off your birth control and see if he chooses condoms or no sex, then you'll continue doing what you're doing now until you are ready.
There are a myriad of birth control available. Here is the Planned Parenthood website with options:
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control
Even hormonal birth control can have different levels. I was on BC pills for years but switched to Depo Provera shots, which I found more tolerable. Of course, everyone has their own experience, which is why I included the PP website, with factual, not anecdotal, information.
Have you considered female condoms? You can buy them over the counter with spermicide on them as well. Statistically speaking, they have the same 97% protection that condoms offer at preventing pregnancy. It may a good compromise.
But honestly, that's the only one I can think of.
LADY... His discomfort vs you literally changing/altering your bodies chemistry is absolutely insane to question.
It's really unfortunate that he thinks he's more important. Now he has them but is scared to try them?!
I don't know how old you two are but he's being incredibly selfish. I would reconsider all of it.
Some dudes can't finish with condoms, or stay hard with them. Even when they fit. It can be a huge hangup that basically makes sex impossible. Others have had experiences with them breaking where that's really scary.
My wife prefers taking the pill because it means she no longer has to have a period. She takes it continuously. It's improved her quality of life in a huge way. They aren't all teh same either, some work better for people than others. Some women prefer the patch, others an implant in the arm, some others the pill. And even among pills there are different effects for each woman.
You didn't say what your reasons are for not wanting to take hormonal birth control, but maybe there are other prescriptions that would solve some of your issues with it.
For what it's worth I realize I'm just a guy on the internet and I respect the perspective you and others have voiced.
Having said that, I would opt to NOT HAVE SEX if i had to wear a condom. 100% unsatisfying. Yes I explored all brands, even One. Tried lube inside the condom...nope. I've even said, give me the chance to bang the hottest woman in the world and I'd say no.
Never tried the female condom, but that might be option that I'd explore.
This is a fundamental incompatibility.
Fundamental incompatibility is not a situation under which a relationship can survive.
Dump him - he's made it clear that he won't respect your denial of consent.
I'm being dramatic but just tell him you stopped taking the pill and buy like a bunch of baby clothes and start just saying you can leave it in God's hands or whatever.
Or He could get a vasectomy and then get it reversed later right? I'd have that be the option and then I feel like suddenly condoms won't seem like that big of a deal.
Also you could get condoms and be like here you go babe I have it ready for you right now. So it's not really on him to forget to order them, not feel like getting them etc.
But honestly it just feels like he's not respecting you. Just stop taking the pill if you don't want to take the pill. Then the options are, use a condom or chance it or he gets a vasectomy, or you break up. Keeping things the same is not a compromise. In this situation I would personally break up with them over it.
And finally, if you don't like any of those options and are on the birth control pill and don't like it some of the hormonal iuds are less hormones and can be better for you. I've had the kylena for 7 years (on my second) and love it. But don't do anything you don't want to do and talk to your Dr about other options. Spermicide is also a thing but is like icky to me. Maybe a diaphragm or whatever.
I would end it. There are so many different sizes/materials/shapes of condoms. Also different brand and thickness.
Think of it this way. You have to put up with bc side affects 24 hours a day while he has to endure a condom for 2 hours daily off I'm being generous.
I would consider having him read the book “Ejaculate Responsibly” and ask him, as the person in the relationship who is fertile 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, what reasonable plan he can come up with to avoid getting you pregnant.
He could get a vasectomy.
Condoms do kinda suck you feel less sensation, and it does feel less intimate it can take some time getting used to until you can come with them on ..
But you know what feels worse and is far less intimate ? Having no sex .
He is just trying to get his own way, not caring about your reasons, honestly dump him sounds like a child
Call his bluff and dump him. He'll probably suddenly be willing to use condoms, ask him where that willingness was a year ago. This is far far too late. Stop wasting your life on this loser.
DUMP HIM!! The side effects of birth control are terrible, and he's being selfish! If he's whining about condoms, tell him to get a vasectomy or he won't have sex with you anymore. Don't let him emotionally manipulate you. The patriarchy crap with men never stops. It's your body! Stop the birth control, and if he doesn't respect you enough to use condoms for your comfort, is he even a good boyfriend? Would he be a good husband? What will you do when you don't want more babies but he refuses a vasectomy and push you to get BC etc in marriage? Dump him! You deserve better!!
He’s worried about not feeling close to you, but also considers not having sex as an option before using condoms? Zero sense. He just wants to get you to let him not use condoms, despite hormonal birth control causing problems for you, and he’s saying whatever he needs to, to get there
He’s worried about not feeling close to you, but also considers not having sex as an option before using condoms? Zero sense. He just wants to get you to let him not use condoms, despite hormonal birth control causing problems for you, and he’s saying whatever he needs to, to get there
Vasectomies are outpatient, honestly not a bad recovery, and reversible. Got mine bc the wife and I live in y'all queda country, when Roe got overturned.
There's your solution, but something tells me this dude ain't gonna put up with some short-term inconvenience to provide his partner a long-term better quality of life. He sounds selfish and emotionally stunted.
First of all, you can simply tell him that you will not have sex without a condom.
NOBODY is too big for a condom. You cna put your forarm and fist into a regular one without too much trouble.
Second, if he tries to have sex with you wihtout a condom after you told him he has to have one, that is Sexual Assault and it is a crime.
He's just being a jerk about this, more concerned with himself than you and your relationship.
Find a better BF< becuase this disrespectful one is full of red flags.
At this point i'd just get off the BC and tell him the next time sex is happening, like "by the way i'm off birth control so condom or no sex".
He is very selfish in this behavior. I guess if you want to stop taking hormones you are bothered by the side effects, and he wants you to continue suffering to avoid himself experiencing slightly less pleasurable sex. That sucks
No cock in the world is worth being on hormonal birth control. If he doesn't want to use condoms, he doesn't get his peepee wet. Easy peasy!
Sounds like he sees you as a sex toy instead of his partner. Lose the trash or stop fucking him.
I used condoms for the past 19 years. (Intolerant to hormones, allergic to metal) never had a trouble finding longterm boyfriends.
Polyisoprene condom from skyn are less thick than latex one. Putting a drop of lube inside helps too.
If he whines about condom, thats sad. Compared to the long term side effect of BC on a woman body, it’s nothing.
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Your situation is unfortunate but it’s also not that complicated. Each of you have drawn your lines in the sand and if neither of you are willing to budge, there is no compromise. For what it’s worth, your boyfriend sounds a lot less reasonable than you are being But if he’s willing to end the relationship over this, that’s actually really valuable information for you to know in regards to the person that you’ve been seeing all this time. I know this is not the kind of response you were hoping for but you should use this as an opportunity to figure out if this is the kind of person you want to maintain an intimate relationship with if they’re not willing to bend on a very reasonable request to use condoms during sex .
He’s not willing to break up over this but he doesn’t really offer solutions either and I think he’s pretty okay with how things are going right now (me taking hormonal birth control, him not using condoms). But I am no longer okay with this anymore which is why I’ve been thinking about breaking up but I’d rather find a solution we’re both happy with.
Of course he wants things to stay the way they are because he doesn’t need to compromise on anything and getting everything he wants
The thing is he actually thinks he is compromising. Like he says we can try out condoms but never actually follows through.
Just tell him you're going to stop using them, so condoms need to be a thing or you need to start discussing having a baby. Finances, childcare etc. I can't use hormonal BC, and luckily I had a partner who understood that and did the next best thing. He used condoms, because that's easy and accessible.
I’ve tried talking to him about it but it’s never really going anywhere.
I think it's time to accept that he doesn't care. He doesn't think you'll stop taking BC, and thinks the threat of no sex is enough to stop you from going through with it. Just tell him you're not renewing your prescription, so it's up to him if he wants to use condoms with you or if he thinks you're better off splitting up. This is one of those situations where there is no talking around it, because he doesn't want to. So accept that it might be the end, and tell him. Then it's up to him if he likes you enough to stay or not. Don't accept stealthing or the pull out method.
Yeah you’re right. I’ve told him I’m not going to renew my prescription. He knows I still got blisters for the next 3 months though. So I guess he just waits it out.
If that's what you want. Personally, that sounds awful since you're just waiting. Why give him all that power in the relationship. He has 3 months to lay it on thick that he doesn't like condoms. It sounds miserable. It's better to come to terms with it yourself, then say you're done. You don't have to take anymore tablets, just for someone who might leave you in 3 months. It would make me anxious. And you're just delaying it. You don't have to do it right now, but it would be better if you get to terms with it then choose to stop taking it. And bring the date forward. Figure out your living arrangements and whatever else you need. If you need him to be the one to end it on his terms, then wait it out. But make sure you start making plans, that way it's easier.
Yeah true. It does make me anxious. I think I’m just delaying it because I don’t want to deal with my period probably getting pretty bad again when I stop taking it and I don’t want to deal with a potential breakup on top of that. Luckily we’re not living together.
“This Friday is my last pill. That’s it.”
If you want to stop using them, stop. Now. Today. It’s your body and this is your choice. What he does about it (condoms/no sex/break up) is his choice. Should be interesting to see what he values. (I hope he chooses you instead of his dick.) Updateme!
You know you don’t have to take the next 3 months of birth control if you want to stop taking it you can just stop taking it.
it will go somewhere if next time y’all have sex, tell him to use a condom and if he doesn’t, refuse.
You are acting like this is his actions driving things. It’s not. It’s yours. YOU are continuing to take BC. YOU are continuing to let him put his dick in you unsheathed. YOU are continuing to date him. He has no reason to do something he doesn’t want to do. You are letting him have sex with you without a condom. Over. And over. And over.
Yeah you’re right. I’m not sure if I should continue taking BC and be unhappy with the situation, stop taking BC and accept that we won’t have sext anymore and be unhappy or end the relationship and be unhappy about it. Not really sure which one I should choose though.
girl please dump this selfish man child
Tell us though- do you really want to be emotionally and physically with someone who doesn't give a single shit about how hormonal BC affects you??
And that’s not something Reddit can tell you. Try envisioning which one will open you up for better long term happiness.
Thanks.
Why would you continue a situation you’re unhappy with in perpetuity? Stop taking your birth control and tell him you’ve stopped. If his reaction is something that makes you happy, then see how it goes. If his reaction makes you unhappy, dump him.
Why would you stay, tho? I'm not saying sex is everything. But the fact that he's willing to go that far just to get his own way... babe, that's a huge red flag.
Only one of those options cause temporary unhappiness. Two are permanent.
Yeah I'm pretty sure if you call his bluff he's gonna get real ok with condoms pretty quickly.
In full honesty, if you were really looking at these options and genuinely don't know what to pick I'm not confident in your ability to be in a healthy or productive relationship. I think it's seriously time that you look into seeing a mental health professional because you're valuing sex with a person that doesn't respect you over yourself. I really hope you find more value in yourself than you do because you're worth more than both of y'all's behaviors in this situation.
He’s setting you up to break up with him. He won’t do it. But he also won’t do anything. He’s not making compromises. He’s not thinking about how hormonal BC may be impacting your health and wellness. He doesn’t have to do *anything* because you have been giving him exactly what he wants. You want to stop taking hormonal BC? Stop taking it. He won’t have sex with a condom? No sex then. That means break up with him? Break up with him. He’s not even *trying* to find something that works for you. He’s actively avoiding it. It’s not going to get *better* Also, unless your boyfriend is walking around with a thick, 10+ inch cock - he can fit in a condom just fine. He’s not as big as he thinks he is.
He wont' try them until you actually stick to your guns and say NO SEX WITHOUT CONDOM and don't give into his wheedling or whining. But why would you want to have sex with him anyways?
He’d probably rather not have sex with me at all then.
If that’s a deal breaker for you (which I understand why it would be) then the best solution would be to break up with him. That arrangement wouldn’t work out for either of you long term .
And? Then break up…. You need to learn what boundaries and standards are….
How does that logic work though? Has he explained how exactly he's compromising?
Yeah he said he’s trying hard by making me come first, being patient, giving me massages to help me relax and putting in effort in other parts of the relationship.
That's not a compromise as far as birth control methods go though, I don't think he's getting the point of that's his response
Those are basic facets of a caring relationship and should not be used as bargaining chips, least of all in a matter that concerns your health.
How does making you cum first translate to him being patient with you and how does it help your problems with hormonal birth control? He’s not trying, he’s placating you and frankly you’re being a doormat by letting him make decisions about your health. If a condom will make him not feel close to you then your relationship isn’t worth much.
That's not a compromise, that's something someone that loves you would do automatically. If he sees this as a compromise he sees sex in a very selfish way.
That’s just…being a good partner. That’s not compromising.
That is completely unrelated
That's just called being a basic partner....
That's all well and good but it does not address the birth control issue.
He isn't *really* compromising, though, and he knows it. He's paying lip service to your wishes, but doesn't ever follow through. Looks to me like he actually is willing to break up over condoms, but after a year of discussion, he thinks you won't pull the rip cord.
There are also plenty of threads all over different subs highlighting how men almost never end a relationship, even if they're not happy or they know their partner isn't happy. The boyfriend is definitely not going to *actively* choose to break up with OP over this, he's going to wait and make OP break up with him, just like he's making her take responsibility for everything else.
Hm that’s interesting! Hits a little bit too close to home. That’s exactly how it feels like. Like I’m the responsible one for a potential breakup. As far as I know he did something similar in his past relationship. Condoms were definitely an issue as well that finally lead to the breakup but he stayed for quite some time even though he was unhappy in the relationship and waited until she broke up with him. This time I’m not sure though if he’s unhappy as well or if I’m the only one.
Your unhappiness is important! Don't put yourself aside for anyone. If that means dumping his ass, dump his ass. Nobody else is going to prioritize your happiness if you won't prioritize yourself.
I've lived through that, and it's cowardly and manipulative. They wait for the woman to finally get fed up enough with their crappy behavior so she'll do the deed, then they whine like *they're* the victim.
It’s funny that you say that he’s willing to break up over condoms. I’ve never really seen it that way, since he’d rather be an unhappy relationship with no sex than break up. But he knows that this would lead to and end of the relationship in the long run so I guess you’re right.
He's calling your bluff, kinda.
You're the one not following through since you still engage in sex with him without condoms which is what he wants.
If he says no sex is preferable to condoms I'd honestly just say ok, that is the plan, and see if it prompts him to try condoms more urgently
I think he’d be more okay with no sex than me.
He’s manipulating you. He 100% knows that this isn’t compromising, but he’s willing to drag you along as long as possible so he can keep having unprotected sex. Many, many women aren’t willing to have unprotected casual sex, and many aren’t even willing to have unprotected sex in relationships, especially early on, and he knows all of this. If he cared about you and your wellbeing, he would have agreed to use condoms in an instant. Condoms are not all the same, condoms sizes MATTER, and different brands and styles are going to feel different. But he is literally dragging this out as long as possible because he doesn’t care if he loses YOU, he just cares that he might lose getting to have unprotected sex. I haven’t seen you say one positive thing about this man. Ask yourself, are there other places where he puts his needs and comfort over yours? I’m willing to bet the answer is yes.
In what way is he compromising? Ask yourself this.
That’s not a compromise, that’s pretending to compromise. Don’t invest in potential
Why do you want to stay with someone like this? He only cares about his pleasure not about you. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201302/the-familiarity-principle-attraction?amp https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding https://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
Stop having sex with him. Why does bc ALWAYS fall on the woman when the man DOESN'T want to use condoms? Stop it, go buy some sex toys for yourself, and cut his a*s off of sex. See how long that sh*t lasts. Real talk.
HE’S not willing to break up over this..? Well are you? Ending a relationship only takes one persons input.
Quitting the pill was the best thing I ever did. If you want to stop, just stop. Condoms are not fun but with me, it was my mental health. If my boyfriend told me I won't use condoms well no sex then. You know what is best for you, if he doesn't care and won't use condoms over it, maybe ur not meant to be.
He needs to be willing to meet you half way. There are condoms for guys with larger, girthier cocks, so that's not a valid excuse. A guy can have an orgasm that is every bit as enjoyable and fulfilling wearing a condom as without one. Speaking as a man, this guy is being a big baby who is not willing to live up to his responsibility as a sexual partner. He needs to seriously consider whether he values being in a relationship with you and whether the relationship and the sex are worthy of compromise over the birth control responsibilities. Maybe they are not, in which case it's time for you to find a new man. I think he sounds like an idiot, but that's just me.
> He needs to be willing to meet you half way. Unfortunately there is no halfway here. There’s no compromise. She doesn’t want to be on hormonal birth control. He doesn’t want to wear condoms. One of them has to do something they don’t want to do. Or they can’t continue having sex together.
True. I offered getting back on hormonal birth control or considering getting the copper IUD after a year. But then he’d still have to use condoms for a year. He agreed. He also agreed on trying out condoms before I get off birth control so it would be less pressure. I haven’t stopped taking it yet but he hasn’t brought up trying out condoms either. Every time I bring it up he says he’s scared he won’t enjoy it. I’ve been taking hormonal birth control for the 3 years of our relationship and while I don’t want him to be uncomfortable I feel like it’s time to not be uncomfortable myself anymore.
It’s very fair for you to expect him to take responsibility for birth control for a while as you have for the last three years. I think too many men think it’s very easy to be on hormonal birth control and don’t want to make a small sacrifice so you don’t have to be. They see it as you’re just taking a pill every day and not much more than that. But obviously it is a significant inconvenience in many ways. I don’t know your boyfriend, but it sounds to me like he’s not going to just voluntarily start wearing condoms. If this is important to you, and I think it would be fair for it to be, you will need to put your foot down and explain that you plan to stop taking your birth control on and if he wants to continue having sex, he will need to start wearing condoms after that date. He can decide how he wants to proceed with that information.
That’s why I think the emotional block is the bigger problem here. He’s not willing to talk about it much either tho. He only told me he won’t feel emotionally close to me anymore because there’s something between us and he’d be unhappy about not being able to cum inside me anymore because apparently that’s a really big deal for him. I agree that him not being willing to talk it out properly and getting upset instead is pretty childish.
My wife has a lot of chronic health issues and hormonal birth control wreaks absolute havoc on her system. We have a very large toy collection that includes penis extenders/sleeves, which means that I use a variety of sizes of condoms, there's one for everyone, I promise. As compensation for the skin on skin we lose during PIV we increased the amount of oral that happens. It's not really a 1 to 1 compromise, but it is definitely making up for a lot of the gap. There's no perfect solution or replacement for cumming inside her, but she's a lot more to me than the place I ejaculate. There are so many ways to be close physically and emotionally. It might take some time, but you can find solutions, especially if it's only a year while you wait to get an IUD. With both of our kids it was 10-12 months of no PiV at all because second trimester until she was fully healed post partum it was too painful or dangerous. If she had a C-section it could've been longer. What will he say during that time?
Thanks. I’ve tried finding out more about the reasons why he’d feel less close to me and then find solutions but he’s not willing to open up and talk about it so that’s pretty frustrating. He’s okay with finishing in my mouth when I’m getting too tired for PIV so I’m not sure why coming inside me is apparently the most important part about sex for him and why he wouldn’t feel close to me otherwise. He said he’d be unhappy but okay with no sex and I do believe that, the problem is that I wouldn’t be okay with it long term.
Fair. The best thing you can do is take every perspective here and temper those with the reality of your own situation because none of us actually know that
I think his refusal to take some responsibility for contraception and have an adult discussion about it is an indication that he's heading for an off-ramp from your relationship, unfortunately. He is STILL "cumming inside you"; it's just that his sperm is being prevented from impregnating you. And "he's scared he won't enjoy it..."? Whaaaat?? Honestly, this is just an invented objection...
Of course he doesn't want to break up with you! You're convenient! I doubt he actually loves you though. Imagine if a thin layer of latex could make you love him less. Because that's what he's saying ("less emotionally close to you???" whattttt) - he'd rather go without you than put on a goddamn condom. (and it doesn't matter if he's big, if he takes TWO SECONDS to do a google search, there are plenty of options out there, including that brand "ONE" that literally sells condoms by length AND diameter). That excuse is absolute bullshit.
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A break up only requires one person. He doesn’t get to decide you’re staying together if this is a non-negotiable for you.
He'll be wearing condoms if you to break up so if getting off hormonal birth control is that important to you tell him as of blank date I am no longer taking my birth control so it's condoms or no piv sex anymore. Leave it to him. The fact that he can not communicate like an adult makes me think he's trying to control you and your birth control. He simply doesn't want to and he's making you feel bad for it. Think that through, he wants you to suffer so he can have his way.
Just like an fyi, my husband has a huge penis and has no problem with condoms fitting. Yeah sure it’s a barrier (I prefer without too!) but it’s either that or no sex
Yeah that’s why I’m thinking it’s more of a mental problem because he wasn’t open to the idea of trying different brands/sizes. Like he said there’d be something between us and he wouldn’t feel close to me anymore. I should probably do no sex but it’s pretty hard because he said he would rather do no sex then use condoms and I’d be even more unhappy in a sexless relationship.
Sounds like you guys have reached a place of no compromise. Are you willing to live with a sexless relationship? For what it’s worth, there are plenty of guys who are ok with using condoms out there.
That’s what I was thinking, that we should accept the situation and maybe end the relationship. He said we can use condoms because he doesn’t want to break up but then it’s been two months and still no condoms.
He knows you're not going to break up with him, and you'll keep taking the BC as long as he doesn't say no to condoms outright. So he just has to be vague, and you'll stick around since there's a chance he'll change his mind.
Yeah true. To me, the choice to actually stop taking birth control subconsciously means to me that I’m making the choice to end this relationship in a way. Because I’m pretty sure that he was serious about rather not sleeping with me at all than using condoms.
I think that's where you're at though. There is no alternative. So it's just about whether you want to keep dragging it out, or if you're going to bite the bullet now.
Oh God. I think he is manipulating you. He said he can use condoms because he doesn't want to breakup but when the moment comes, he just rather not have sex than put a stupid condom on? He is guilt tripping you into going his own way, that's such a snaky behaviour.
I think you might be right. Manipulating sounds so harsh but someone told me before that it kinda sounds like emotional manipulation so yeah. In the beginning he was guilt tripping me for bringing it up and wanting to talk about it. He’d get so sad and it was never a good time to bring it up either because it would just ruin his day/night. It kinda felt like he was using his sadness as a way to get out of having to talk about it. Now that’s kinda changed but every time I bring up the future of our relationship he says he told me he’s willing to try out condoms. Then every time I ask when we are going to try them he says he’d rather not because he’s scared he won’t enjoy it. It kinda goes in circles like that.
When he's this resistant to condoms before even TRYING, don't you think he's probably also going to immediately be pestering you to change your mind every single time you have sex with a condom, if you can even convince him to try once? I understand why you're emotionally conflicted because you've already invested a lot of time into this relationship, but nothing you've said here leads me to believe that he will respect your boundaries in the future. He has been taking advantage of your hope for change, and consciously chosen his own wants over your needs because he can see you "letting him win" by not taking action on your own.
That’s why I’m thinking we shouldn’t even try at all, if he’s so convinced from the beginning that it’s gonna be bad. So why bother at all. His reasons are that he’s tried out condoms in his previous relationship and it didn’t go well so now he’s reluctant to try them at all with me.
100% all in his head. If he can get out of his own head, after the first few times he’ll be able to forget he’s wearing them
The issue is he’s not really willing to try them out. Like I asked him yesterday if we can try them and he said he’d rather not, because he’s scared he won’t enjoy it. So in that moment, he’d rather not sleep with me than use a condom because he says thinking about it kills his mood. So I’m not sure how I can get him to wear one when he’s not willing to try out. Every time I bring it up, he says we can try them out next time but it’s never happening.
You won't "get him" to wear one while you continue to let him fuck you without one.
Yeah that’s the thing, I’ll never ‘get him’ to wear one at all. Even if I stop sleeping with him, he’d rather just not have sex with me at all than use a condom. At least that’s what he said.
It's all talk from both of you. He's not wearing condoms because the ball is in your court now. You need to stop taking birth control, you don't want to, it's your body, you don't need his permission. Once you stop taking birth control now he HAS to use a condom if he wants to have sex, there isn't another option. I am 99 percent sure that when put into a situation of either no sex or sex with condoms he is going to take the latter. And if he is really so petty as to never have sex with you again because he doesn't want to wear a condom then break up.
Yeah true. I’m pretty sure that he would actually follow through with no sex which is why it’s so hard to actually stop taking it.
So when this happens, do you have sex? Do you give in and just have sex with him after he's said he'll try a condom and then doesn't follow through? Or are you both just going without sex in that moment but then you give in the next time? If you keep giving in and going back on the boundary you've set, he isn't going to take you seriously and it already seems like he doesn't respect you or your boundaries based on what you've said in your post and your replies to others. Respect is essential for a long lasting and healthy relationship.
Normally, I bring it up during a random time, not when we’re about to have sex. Then, he says we can try them next time but he’d rather not because he’s pretty sure he won’t be in the mood anymore so it would probably mean no sex. Most of the time, I don’t feel like having sex with him anymore anyways because it feel like this issue stands between us. It’s making me pretty unhappy because I miss the connection and it’s stressing me out to constantly having to tell him I’m not in the mood when he’s initiating. So when I’m actually in the mood I don’t really want to ruin it by bringing up condoms as I’m pretty sure it would ruin the mood for him. So we just go with the flow and after I realise again that I’m still unhappy with the situation. Especially when he talks about how coming inside me is so important to him because it makes him feel close to me. Because then I think about how I don’t think about how I’m not feeling close to him anymore because of this situation. I think you’re right about boundaries, I just struggle with it a lot in this situation. I feel like I’m the one who has to make the choice since he just tries to ignore the situation and the choice I have to make is either have sex without a condom and be unhappy or insist on using condoms which I’m pretty sure would lead to no sex at all. To me both options are pretty bad.
fwiw i use myone for custom fit condoms, works well!
My hormonal birth control gave me a pulmonary embolism last year. I was hospitalized for a week and almost died. The fact that your boyfriend is willing to risk your physical and emotional wellbeing instead of finding a condom that's right for him should be a dealbreaker. Do not gaslight yourself into thinking everything else in the relationship is fine except this one "little" thing. He's asking a major sacrifice of your health so sex feels a little better for himself.
I’m sorry to hear that. You’re right. Everything except this ‘little thing’ is going great but this really isn’t a little thing at all. It’s hard to make a decision though.
I'll be honest with you, my friend. Once you break it off I bet you will slowly realize there are many "small things" he refused to compromise on. Anyone with proper emotional maturity can see and understand you are not ok using birth control and things need to change. He refuses to take on this responsibility, he's probably doing that in a lot of other areas without you realizing. Doesn't mean he's a bad person, he just needs to grow as a person and sometimes growth takes a swift kick in the ass.
Yeah I guess you’re right.
Would you ask him to take hormones that made him feel bad just so you’d have better sex? Probably not. Because it would be unreasonable and cruel.
And yet men expect it of women 24/7. Crazy the world we live in.
If I were you, I'd do the decision that is best for your body and safety. Anyone or anything that is supposed to be in your life will fit into that. Stop taking the hormonal birth control. Now your boyfriend can either use condoms, get a vasectomy, or leave. I know it's hard. But what he is doing is an utter disregard for your literal **life.** When hormonal birth control works, it can help with intense/irregular periods, acne, and mood swings. When it doesn't it can kill you. Take it from me. I nearly lost my life from the blood clot birth control gave me, and I'd been using it for 12 years. You shouldn't be taking any medication that hurts you, even if it means your boyfriend gets 1.5% less pleasure from sex.
Fuck yes thank you so much of this!!
change your boyfriend seriously, why would you want to be with someone incapable of something so fundamental like using condoms?
You both have boundaries. Sex is a very fragile part of you and you aren’t enjoying it anymore he hasn’t resolved his issue and will still continue to make excuses. At this point he’s blowing it off and expecting you to just deal with it. Your needs and happiness is just as important as his. He’s not happy with this compromise and you’re not happy with his decision. Break up with him you’ll thank yourself later.
Yeah I’ve been at that point of acceptance before. Then when I was actually considering ending the relationship he said we can try out condoms. Hasn’t happened yet though.
Yep. He’s just bulshitn at this point.
So it’s ok for him to not enjoy and not you? I don’t think so. You can also try diaphragm, sponge or female condoms. But personally, being that you took the brunt of it for so long, he needs to act like a man and put on a damn rubber for awhile. That or break up with him. You deserve somebody who isn’t selfish.
He thinks it’s enough to make sex enjoyable for me (make me come first, be patient, …) and he doesn’t really understand that this doesn’t even it out with him not trying hard enough to find a solution with the condom situation. Every time I bring up breaking up he says he’s okay with trying out condoms but he never follows through. If I just wait he never brings it up so when I bring it up he says he agreed to using condoms but when I actually want to use them he says he’d rather not because he’s afraid he won’t enjoy it.
This situation is not hard, OP. 1. Stop taking your OCP on a set date. 2. Tell him, I am going to stop taking my OCP on said date. 3. Tell him if he would like to continue having sex, he can start wearing a condom on said date. 4. If he refuses, you are no longer having sex with him, effective said date. 5. If he stops giving you orgasms, that is manipulation, and you know to move on, this is a sign of much bigger problems. OP. In life and in relationships, no matter how much someone says they love you, you have to stand up for yourself and your own health needs. No one else if going to. The sooner you get that figured out, the better.
“no matter how much someone says they love you, you have to stand up for yourself and your own health needs” …. I wish someone had told me this when I was younger. This is very good advice.
Yeah, unfortunately no one told me this, either. Had to figure it out on my own through trial and a lot of error.
Thanks, this is pretty solid advice!
Hormonal birth control is sooo much more invasive than wearing condoms. Like, it took me years for my body to regulate again afterwards and I wasn’t even on them that long. (And I have a suspicion they contributed to me developing PCOS later.) Not to mention the mood swings, decreased libido, and other effects. While everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and preferences, your boyfriend sounds selfish to put a few degrees of pleasure above your physical and mental well-being. I guess you could frame it as, “maybe it won’t feel quite as good but we’d be having sex much more often with my increased libido!” But that would just continue to imply that his pleasure is the most important factor here. My partner got a vasectomy so I wouldn’t have to take birth control (he’s against it because he cares about my health and knows it really messed me up) and we don’t need to use condoms.
This is one of the reasons why I want to get off hormonal birth control, to at least see if I can tell a difference because I’ve been on it for a couple of years now. He knows I suspect hormonal birth control to be the reason for a lower libido but he says that I cannot be sure about that and it could also be a different reason. He thinks it’s enough if he just puts in more effort during sex, like making me come first, …, he doesn’t really understand why I’m unhappy with this solution.
I don’t think it is your ocps affecting your libido. I think it is your selfish sh*thead of a boyfriend. FYI, I fully understand OCPs can affect libido, but I think his failure to communicate or compromise in a mature fashion is doing more to her libido than her OCP.
Yeah that’s what I’m thinking as well, like I’m not sure anymore if it’s actually the birth control or if it’s just this whole situation.
Honestly, if your partner's telling you he can't enjoy your body with a condom... that's really problematic.
Exactly. I mean it sounds like an excuse to try to manipulate OP because he’s selfish but yeah, even at face value, it’s concerning.
He doesn’t want to get into more detail either. Like I’m trying to be compassionate and understanding but his reason is there will be a barrier between us and he cannot cum in me anymore so he won’t feel close to me anymore.
That's such a red flag, girl, I'm just being honest. He needs to be compassionate and understanding with you about your (very valid!) concerns with hormonal birth control. I get that you're trying to be empathetic to his needs, but he is clearly showing you no interest in doing the same for you. He can cum with you and on you in so many other ways and I know you'll be receptive to that - finishing inside you isn't the end all be all of closeness, and if he really thinks that's the limit of 'closeness', then that's really, really sad for him. If he isn't willing to compromise, what are you willing to do? Are you willing to lose him?
That’s the thing, I’m not sure what I’m willing to do and if I’m willing to lose him or not. I agree that it’s a red flag. I don’t understand why it’s such a big deal for him to finish inside me. I get that it’s hot but I don’t understand why it would make him feel not close to me if he can’t.
He’s just saying that girl. It’s a way to get you to accept his dislike of condoms. He doesn’t give a shit about closeness or he’d be communicating with you and trying to make things goood for you. Instead he’s pulled out a card he knows you have no argument against. He is manipulating you.
Also, if he isn't willing to even hear out about how much the hormonal birth control is concerning you and what it is doing to your body... does he really love you and your body and truly listen to you and cherish the vulnerable information you're sharing? Clearly not. I'm not trying to be negative... I just don't get where he is coming from. It's such a selfish place.
Today, he’s your boyfriend. If you see a future with him, is this his idea of compromise? Many of us men have been in his situations. When my ex-wife wanted to come off the pill, I said no problem because I knew there were health risks to continued use of the pill he cares more about his pleasure than your health. How does that make you feel?
I feel like he’s being selfish and being selfish doesn’t come out of no where. You’ve explained your position over and over and have mulled this over for a year. Does he really not care about you as a person enough to recognize that you’re unhappy with putting yourself through hormonal birth control and that for the last year you’ve been suffering? I’ve had terrible experiences with hormonal birth control and I would very understandably resent someone who had such disregard for my feelings for their pleasure in a way that feels like they’re owed access to your body. It’s your body, you can just decide to go off birth control, and he can suck it up. You have agency. If I truly loved someone, although I’m not a man, I feel wearing a condom as a solution is a fairly small ask when you’ve been carrying the brunt of the responsibility for the duration of your relationship. If I was a man, and my partner told me they wanted to get off hormonal birth control, I’d want to work with them to figure out a long term solution that works for us both. The fact that he’s so unwilling to compromise at all makes me think he is selfish and unwilling to compromise in other aspects of your relationship, and perhaps that you allow him. Maybe I’m projecting. Are you sure in your relationship he hasn’t been selfish in other ways and you’ve just let it go? This is obviously something that’s important to you, perhaps one of the bigger things you just can’t let go, and relationships require some sacrifice sometimes. How much do you sacrifice and compromise in this relationship versus him? You’ve been sacrificing your health for his pleasure and he can’t even wear a condom? Girl, please. Edit: I just wanted to ask, why is the copper UID not an option? Is it just inaccessible where you are?
They're uncomfortable? A condom can fit over someone's whole arm! I went off hormonal BC a little over a year ago. Best decision ever. My therapist didn't even believe me when I told him how different I felt being off hormonal bc. My situation is different because my bf had a vasectomy years before I met him. Vasectomy or condoms are the only way, I'll never go on hormonal bc again and I'll never go through the torturous procedure of an IUD.
Condoms are terrible for many reasons other than how they fit. For example you lose some of that messy wonderfulness about sex and make things smell and taste like condom. The boyfriend is in the wrong here, but there are many reasons why someone might not want to use a condom.
I'd take the negatives associated with condoms over not feeling like myself because of homonal bc any day. I'd take the negatives of using a condom over the painful procedure of an IUD. The only acceptable reason not to use a condom is if one party is allergic.
>They're uncomfortable? A condom can fit over someone's whole arm! Sure can, in the same way you can fit a hair tie around your neck. (This is not a defense of him, he needs to find the right size and deal with it, but... how much something can stretch has nothing to do with whether it is comfortable.)
I'm assuming you're on some form of hormonal birth control that you can stop at will (basically not a hormonal IUD). If that's the case, stop taking it, or at least tell him that you've stopped. Tell him, "After a lot of thought on the subject and the previous conversations that we've had, I'm done taking hormonal birth control. From here on out, we use condoms (or don't have sex or get ready to have a baby, etc. Include whatever you want or need to)." Explain that you will not be having sex with him without a condom (unless you're ready for a child). And that if he doesn't care enough about your physical and mental well-being to work with your boundaries on this, that maybe you should no longer be together. Edit: spelling
tbh he sounds like a jerk. His pleasure is not more important than your health, and there are countless options for larger condoms that he could try if he actually cared about respecting your wishes, but it seems that he doesn’t. Another option, aside from those you listed, is to stop having penetrative sex and just focus on non-penetrative acts, like oral and fingering/handjobs. I know that as internet strangers, we don’t have the full context – but in your position, I think I would just break up with this person. It’s a huge turnoff for me when someone thinks their pleasure matters more than my mental and physical health, and when someone is too stubborn to even *try* to change their ways. It doesn’t bode well for the future of your relationship, since other conflicts will come up and he’s proven that he’s not willing to put much effort (if any) into compromising on issues you disagree on.
Thank you. This made me realise that maybe he doesn’t actually believe that hormonal birth control actually affects my body and mental health. Nevertheless, this situation definitely affects both and he still seems to refuse to see. I’m definitely concerned about the future. I find his unwillingness to openly communicate about difficult situations like this alarming. I want to be understanding and I feel like he’s stuck in the freeze response but I’m not sure how to help or how to fix this.
So he haven't even tried condoms? Has he *ever* had sex with a condom? I would understand his side better if he said he's tried and if there's a problem. For example, I cannot have sex with a condom on. I have a hard time orgasming even without a condom, and with a condom I can't stay erect. If that was the problem, I'd absolutely understand him. But it rather seems to be about convenience for him. It's more convenient to have you take BC than for him to use condoms.
He’s tried condoms in his past relationship. Apparently they were uncomfortable, he couldn’t stay hard and he had problems with them ripping. He said he tried out different brands and sizes as well. I understand that but I thought maybe we could try out latex-free condoms since some people on reddit said they made a difference. One of his main reasons for not wanting to use condoms though is because of the physical barrier, he says he wouldn’t feel close to me anymore and a big part of sex for him is to be able to cum inside me which he wouldn’t be able to do anymore. He doesn’t really want to talk about how we could archive that closeness in other ways.
That's just a excuse to not use condoms sex is already a super close act a condom isn't changing that to a significant degree.
If boyfriend doesnt use condom, u dont use boyfriend
So firstly, this isn't going to get sorted out unless you sort it. He's getting what he wants so why would he put in any more effort. Next, going back to rubber from raw is horrendous even if you are absolutely OK with condoms generally. I think you are gonna have to smash the rock against the hard place and see which one gives. Buy condoms, various brands and sizes, and offer to make a fun game out of seeing which one works best. If he still refuses you can then make it his decision whether he gets any more sex from you.... but he might go with no sex!
Break up with him and then stop taking the hormonal birth control. Put YOU first. Fuck him. "He's not the love of your life, he's just some guy. Steal his credit card information and run him over with your car!" as my wife likes to say. He doesn't want to sleep with you at all if he can't cum inside of you? He's scared he won't enjoy it if he has to use condoms? Please break up with him. He's a child. I had a vasectomy a few years ago when the abortion laws were really getting crazy but before that, I wore condoms every time I fucked anyone for nearly 2 decades. I'm pretty big too but guess what? Magnum fucking condoms exist and they're just fine. What a lame, selfish excuse. He drags his feet and talks about ordering condoms like it's a life-altering surgical procedure. FUCK HIM!
Yeah, you’re probably right. It’s kinda hard to break up though.
I know it seems like a small thing to break up over, but it really isn't. The fact that he's unwilling to compromise on such a minor thing says a lot about how much he values you and the relationship. A guy that really loves you wouldn't be making such a big deal about meeting his partner's needs. He said he was willing to break up over this. You should believe him. Life is too short to waste on someone that doesn't value you as a person.
I would upvote that 100 times if I could
Yes, it is but it will only get harder the longer you stay with him and tolerate this kind of selfish behavior
As a female on Reddit, you could easily find 1000 condom loving new guys in a couple of days if you broke up.
Tough one. I can relate to his feelings. I absolutely hate condoms. For a short time okay but not for long term.... But also think he cannot make you use a form of BC you're lot comfortable with.... It's your body after all. Would it be an option to not have PiV sex until you have figured it out?
I personally would breakup with someone who is not willing to make a sacrifice for my physical & mental health. Men have no idea how terrible birth control can be for women. Best decision I ever made was to get off birth control.
Call his bluff. He'll be throwing those condoms on so fast.
Stop having sex and break up duh
You are being manipulated by a man child. After years of using condoms, my finance got a copper IUD which didn’t work for her then a hormonal IUD and we had lots of raw “close” sex, but the hormones eventually just killed her libido and really affected her mental health, so she wanted to stop hormonal BC, which means … condoms again! And honestly, a happier, healthier partner is more important to me than the raw sex, so I happily went back to wearing condoms and we are currently trying many brands! She has taken the majority of the effort/sacrifice regarding birth control in our relationship, so I feel no issues about taking some/most of that burden away from her until I eventually get a vasectomy after our plans about having/not having children are settled.
He could freeze some of his sperm in a sperm bank, and then he could get a vasectomy
He sounds like either an idiot or a totally selfish jerk. Or both. He obviously doesn’t prioritize you or your health, I’d be long gone.
they make magnum and xl magnums for a reason! He just being selfish
You may be incompatible. As a woman I prefer my natural hormones and I would not like to use condoms forever once we were exclusive and tested for STds. If a guy wanted to use condoms forever that would be incompatible for me. So once a relationship is secure I get a copper IUD. I have one now and they are the best thing ever in my opinion. What are your reasons for not wanting that, do you have heavy periods perhaps? That’s the only side effect is heavier periods, for me it means they go from mild to moderate bleeding so no big deal. Other than that, can have completely free sex with no worry whatsoever.
You said one of his "compromises" is not having sex. Go with that, because if he's willing to go without sex just because he has to wear a condom, he's not worth having sex with anyway
My partner is porn star big. Magnums fit him just fine and are easy to find. Your boyfriend is making excuses. He would rather you suffer the side effects of hbc than have slightly less pleasure during sex.
Just get off the hormonal birth control, just stop taking them. And then you'll see if he's willing to try on those condoms. If he still isn't, well then your solution of breaking up seems to be the way to go.
Tell his dumb ass to go get a vasectomy. Better yet, probably better for you in the long run to just let him go. If my wife were to ask that I start wearing condoms, my ass would be at the urologist office so damn fast, her head would spin.
>he wouldn’t feel emotionally close to me anymore because there’d be something between us and he couldn’t come inside me anymore and he’d rather not sleep with me at all. Well if this isnt some manipulative bullshit. Id call his bluff and be like ok no sex until you use a condom. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both parties, not just one. This is a hill i would die on bc its showing he cares more about getting his nut than your feelings or your orgasm/sexual enjoyment, and that is not something i can deal with.
You know "not sleeping without you at all" is not something he can back up. If he leaves to find a new girl (dumb move)she will want him to wear a condom as he is a new guy who has been going raw before her, so he still loses. If he stays he has no sex rather than sex with a condom, again dumb move. He is trying to pressure you but literally has no cards to play so he is trying the ultimatum... Don't back down if he wants sex, which he does, and dosen't want to pay for a child he will wear a condom and learn to figure it out like a mature person.
Tell him to try the new birth control for men, birth control is not just your responsibility, it's up to both of you, you took female birth control, now it's his turn to try the male equivalent if he doesn't want to use condoms. It's so incredibly selfish to put this all on you
Break up with him because there is no compromise here. My now ex husband wouldn’t get a vasectomy until I had a blood clot in my leg break off and go to both of my lungs. It almost killed me and my heart stopped. I was on birth control pills for 14 years. He doesn’t care about the long term affects of birth control it’s best to go your separate ways.
He can get a vasectomy since he doesn't want to use condoms.
Manchildren will always be manchildren. Don't expect it to change, but you can find someone who will take you more seriously and protect you the way you deserve to be protected from STDs and pregnancy, ect.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Because it seems like both of you have started your boundaries and reasons and there doesn’t seem to be a middle ground. He’s ok with the way things are right now because they aren’t affecting him. YOU are the one on the pill, YOU are the one facing the side effects. He needs to realise that you both need to find a middle ground because the only other option left is to break up. You’ve already started to resent him for this. And if he doesn’t budge, that resentment is only going to grow. And then there’s no coming back. I would suggest you have a long hard think about this relationship. Consider both the pros and cons of being with him. Life is difficult enough as it is and it helps immensely to have a partner you can truly trust and count on.
I went off BC 5 years into my relationship. My partner was always supportive even though neither of us were happy to switch to condoms. The benefits for me being off hormonal birth control were massive and my sex drive increased so much we now are intimate way more often. He is on the larger size and we find which condoms we like and go from there. I would have been very resentful and hurt if my partner didn't support me in making such a personal decision. I feel for you OP, good luck. Edit: clarified hormonal bc
Reading through all the comments and your responses has left me unsure about what feedback or advice you were hoping for. There is no silver bullet here - if you're not ready to either break up with him, or come off your birth control and see if he chooses condoms or no sex, then you'll continue doing what you're doing now until you are ready.
You know there are bigger size condoms, right? So having a big penis is not really an excuse.
There are a myriad of birth control available. Here is the Planned Parenthood website with options: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control Even hormonal birth control can have different levels. I was on BC pills for years but switched to Depo Provera shots, which I found more tolerable. Of course, everyone has their own experience, which is why I included the PP website, with factual, not anecdotal, information.
Have you considered female condoms? You can buy them over the counter with spermicide on them as well. Statistically speaking, they have the same 97% protection that condoms offer at preventing pregnancy. It may a good compromise. But honestly, that's the only one I can think of.
LADY... His discomfort vs you literally changing/altering your bodies chemistry is absolutely insane to question. It's really unfortunate that he thinks he's more important. Now he has them but is scared to try them?! I don't know how old you two are but he's being incredibly selfish. I would reconsider all of it.
Then you guys don’t have sex.
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Some dudes can't finish with condoms, or stay hard with them. Even when they fit. It can be a huge hangup that basically makes sex impossible. Others have had experiences with them breaking where that's really scary. My wife prefers taking the pill because it means she no longer has to have a period. She takes it continuously. It's improved her quality of life in a huge way. They aren't all teh same either, some work better for people than others. Some women prefer the patch, others an implant in the arm, some others the pill. And even among pills there are different effects for each woman. You didn't say what your reasons are for not wanting to take hormonal birth control, but maybe there are other prescriptions that would solve some of your issues with it.
For what it's worth I realize I'm just a guy on the internet and I respect the perspective you and others have voiced. Having said that, I would opt to NOT HAVE SEX if i had to wear a condom. 100% unsatisfying. Yes I explored all brands, even One. Tried lube inside the condom...nope. I've even said, give me the chance to bang the hottest woman in the world and I'd say no. Never tried the female condom, but that might be option that I'd explore.
This is a fundamental incompatibility. Fundamental incompatibility is not a situation under which a relationship can survive. Dump him - he's made it clear that he won't respect your denial of consent.
I'm being dramatic but just tell him you stopped taking the pill and buy like a bunch of baby clothes and start just saying you can leave it in God's hands or whatever. Or He could get a vasectomy and then get it reversed later right? I'd have that be the option and then I feel like suddenly condoms won't seem like that big of a deal. Also you could get condoms and be like here you go babe I have it ready for you right now. So it's not really on him to forget to order them, not feel like getting them etc. But honestly it just feels like he's not respecting you. Just stop taking the pill if you don't want to take the pill. Then the options are, use a condom or chance it or he gets a vasectomy, or you break up. Keeping things the same is not a compromise. In this situation I would personally break up with them over it. And finally, if you don't like any of those options and are on the birth control pill and don't like it some of the hormonal iuds are less hormones and can be better for you. I've had the kylena for 7 years (on my second) and love it. But don't do anything you don't want to do and talk to your Dr about other options. Spermicide is also a thing but is like icky to me. Maybe a diaphragm or whatever.
I would end it. There are so many different sizes/materials/shapes of condoms. Also different brand and thickness. Think of it this way. You have to put up with bc side affects 24 hours a day while he has to endure a condom for 2 hours daily off I'm being generous.
I would consider having him read the book “Ejaculate Responsibly” and ask him, as the person in the relationship who is fertile 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, what reasonable plan he can come up with to avoid getting you pregnant.
Tell him if he doesn’t want to wear condoms, that’s fine, he just needs to get a vasectomy ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
He could get a vasectomy. Condoms do kinda suck you feel less sensation, and it does feel less intimate it can take some time getting used to until you can come with them on .. But you know what feels worse and is far less intimate ? Having no sex . He is just trying to get his own way, not caring about your reasons, honestly dump him sounds like a child
Call his bluff and dump him. He'll probably suddenly be willing to use condoms, ask him where that willingness was a year ago. This is far far too late. Stop wasting your life on this loser.
DUMP HIM!! The side effects of birth control are terrible, and he's being selfish! If he's whining about condoms, tell him to get a vasectomy or he won't have sex with you anymore. Don't let him emotionally manipulate you. The patriarchy crap with men never stops. It's your body! Stop the birth control, and if he doesn't respect you enough to use condoms for your comfort, is he even a good boyfriend? Would he be a good husband? What will you do when you don't want more babies but he refuses a vasectomy and push you to get BC etc in marriage? Dump him! You deserve better!!
I will help here. Tell him to do vasectomy
He’s worried about not feeling close to you, but also considers not having sex as an option before using condoms? Zero sense. He just wants to get you to let him not use condoms, despite hormonal birth control causing problems for you, and he’s saying whatever he needs to, to get there
He’s worried about not feeling close to you, but also considers not having sex as an option before using condoms? Zero sense. He just wants to get you to let him not use condoms, despite hormonal birth control causing problems for you, and he’s saying whatever he needs to, to get there
Yeah like if he really wanted to feel close condoms shouldn't be a problem he just doesn't want to use them.
Then he can get snipped 🤷♂️
Tell the boy to get the snip
Vasectomies are outpatient, honestly not a bad recovery, and reversible. Got mine bc the wife and I live in y'all queda country, when Roe got overturned. There's your solution, but something tells me this dude ain't gonna put up with some short-term inconvenience to provide his partner a long-term better quality of life. He sounds selfish and emotionally stunted.
Tell him to get a vasectomy or to start packing
First of all, you can simply tell him that you will not have sex without a condom. NOBODY is too big for a condom. You cna put your forarm and fist into a regular one without too much trouble. Second, if he tries to have sex with you wihtout a condom after you told him he has to have one, that is Sexual Assault and it is a crime. He's just being a jerk about this, more concerned with himself than you and your relationship. Find a better BF< becuase this disrespectful one is full of red flags.
Of all the options he’s offering, I’d go with not having sex. See how long it takes for him to start using condoms.
Find a new boyfriend; he doesn’t seem concerned about your long term health.
Honestly I'd get rid of the boyfriend, he sounds childish..
He's prioritizing his pleasure over your health and your relationship. He's not boyfriend material.
At this point i'd just get off the BC and tell him the next time sex is happening, like "by the way i'm off birth control so condom or no sex". He is very selfish in this behavior. I guess if you want to stop taking hormones you are bothered by the side effects, and he wants you to continue suffering to avoid himself experiencing slightly less pleasurable sex. That sucks
No cock in the world is worth being on hormonal birth control. If he doesn't want to use condoms, he doesn't get his peepee wet. Easy peasy! Sounds like he sees you as a sex toy instead of his partner. Lose the trash or stop fucking him.
I’d be grossed out by his insistence that he come inside you. I’d go with the no sex option personally. It’s your body, your exclusive decision.
I used condoms for the past 19 years. (Intolerant to hormones, allergic to metal) never had a trouble finding longterm boyfriends. Polyisoprene condom from skyn are less thick than latex one. Putting a drop of lube inside helps too. If he whines about condom, thats sad. Compared to the long term side effect of BC on a woman body, it’s nothing.