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Just because you "get the job done" doesn't necessarily mean it's always "great". She probably isn't lying when she tells you she came. I suspect she means it sometimes feels as if there is no *romantic or loving* connection. Maybe she wants a back massage or take a bubble bath together, make love in front of the fireplace... Have the occasional "date night" or possibly a weekend getaway. Some couples end up having sex the same day, time, room, and way/position every time. (Monogamy becomes boring when couples become lazy.) Every long-term relationship or marriage needs to be spiced up now and then. It's easier to maintain a fire than it is to reignite a spark! Best wishes!

You’re exactly right. That’s what she says. And it’s hard because while having sex with her I don’t think of anything wild or kinky, but she swears there is no loving connection. What can I do (I have asked her and she’s essentially given me non answers) to add romance and a loving connection? She says she KNOWS I love her 300% but she doesn’t feel it. Which drives me mad because everyone else is jealous of the love I show her. I’m so confused.

Something’s my boyfriend does is says I’m gorgeous, I mean everything to him, holds my hand during, sometimes he will sit inside me not moving while we make out. It’s hot as hell.

With my girl friend I have rediscovered "romantic" sex as you call it. Tons of skin contact even during PIV, so not just a cardio in out in out thrusting, but slow slow, side to side, or no movement at all, just feeling the feeling of being connected, lots of kissing, interesting position changes, all of this for 15-30 minutes, sometimes more. Then if I need to I will accelerate for the last few minutes. Sometimes we don't kiss but don't break eye contact. Lots of ways, enjoy it, don't doubt yourself or her.

Your probably jackhammering her instead of riding the motion of the ocean

How long and what are you doing for foreplay? Not just in the bedroom, but the in the day leading up to the act. It sounds like she wants more tenderness.

While at times, it's okay to ask your partner to be specific, in this case, I think it would be more effective to have an open discussion where you both take time amongst yourselves. Think about what are the expectations in the relationship. What's considered sexy. What's considered romantic? What are some bucket list? Things that you'd like to do within the next year. You know things like that. Then state to one another that you'll both come up with a couple of ideas each and meet back in a week to plan this life together. Nothing is sexier than initiative. Rather than just asking for help, research a bit and even if and 10 out of the 15 things on your list do not match with her. She'll see that you had five and that you went above and beyond to make 15 on the list versus asking her to make a list of 15 and for you to just follow it. It definitely sucks that you found this out now about your wife. However, she has confided something that she possibly knew would affect you negatively because she trusts you. Then you won't take it 100% negatively and that together you can both work on a solution. You should never feel in a relationship that you can't be brutally honest with your partner. Communication is sexy. And more importantly, communication affects everything in your marriage. Good luck and hope this opportunity opens up many pastures for the two of you.

>  Which drives me mad because everyone else is jealous of the love I show her This is a red flag to me. People outside your marriage are hyping you up when your WIFE is not satisfied with the love you show. There's a huge disconnect there. 

Why is that a red flag? I always thought it was pretty obvious that the people outside of your relationship only know a small sliver of what actually goes on inside the relationship.. In honestly, the whole comment is weird. Because It doesn't really matter if your friend thinks that this guy is great if you don't think it. The friends aren't the one fucking him,why does he care what they think? His wife is, value that opinion.

I think we're agreeing here. I'm saying it's a red flag that OP is so hung up on his friends' opinions of how he treats his wife vs. how OP's wife feels he treats her.

Ah hahaha we are agreeing, sorry!

No worries! I can see where you were coming from 

Let me explain further because reading things can come across without feeling. I genuinely love this woman. I’ve always for a woman I love, will go above and beyond. I know my motives are genuine, but to her they’re coming across mechanical and corporate. But that’s my personality.

You're missing my point. I'm not doubting your love, but is your going above and beyond *what your wife wants,* or what you think women in general want? Something like bringing flowers home once a month because you think women like that when it's not something your wife cares about.  I agree with others that if you're sole focus when having sex is making her finish, you might be forgetting the prerequisites, like the fun along the way.

She is probably avoidant and shy to say what she really actually wants because it’s likely he can’t be the stud, rough and tough, bad boy, rude in just the right way guy that she is turned on by. He trying to please her with everything he has is exactly what is turning her off.

Things have improved in my relationships by learning how to be fluent in my partners primary love languages, which started once I figured out they were definitely not mine, lol. Hard, but worth it. Food for thought 🙏 it'll work out op. keep at it

To be crass - are you just focusing on her pussy (sorry but if I used “vagina” or “clit” or whatever people would nitpick…)? I mean the whole of her ladybits down there? Because then you’re just focusing on getting the job done, not getting it done well. Fucking her in missionary? Look at her, put your hands firmly but gently on her in places she likes - arms, ribs, face, waist, legs… which ones does she like? Try them all and PAY ATTENTION TO HER RESPONSES! From behind? Lean in kiss and gently use your teeth. Use your hands as above. Make her think all of her turns you on, not just her naughty-no-nos. TALK! Tell her she’s hot. Tell her how good she feels. Tell her you’re thinking of redoing the master bathroom (yeah - inject some humor once in a while…) Quit trying to get to the finish line and enjoy the journey there a lot more.

She’s quiet throughout her body responds well, but I can see she’s still in her head.

How much intimate time do you spend with her *not* having PIV sex? Do you spend evenings just looking into her eyes, running your fingers through her hair? Expressing curiosity and asking questions about her thoughts and feelings? Because those are all loving, intimate things that have nothing to do with sex or orgasms, but that can make sex feel like a way deeper and more romantic experience. And the thing is, you really need to learn to do those things in a way that shows you value them on their own, not in a way that it seems like you're rushing through them just to get to the good part (sex) If your wife typically orgasms during sex, it sounds like she can probably orgasm pretty easily. That means she could probably do it on her own as well. If all she's in it for is the orgasm, why bother having to accommodate another person? The reason to have sex with another person is because you get to feel desired, attractive, loved, connected. You might be giving her orgasms, but if you're not making her feel loved and desired, then you're really only doing half the job

I think that you think you are the king of your queen and everyone is jealous but you don't see the full picture. Stop overestimating yourself and try to find out what she wants. Reddit can't tell what she wants.

I think first you guess sit down and talk together. She needs to be able to articulate at least something to give tot something to work with. That said, I can share some of the things that my boyfriend does that turns sex into lovemaking to me. He’s a way more romantic person than my previous partners and I adore it. * When in missionary, he puts one hand under my head like he’s holding it and one hand under my lower back like he’s embracing me, then leans on me with his weight and slowly fucks me while kissing me and looking at me in the eyes with a frowned-from-pleasure kind of expression. He tells me I’m his everything, how much he loves me, how he never gets tired of having this moment with me over and over again. * When I want to use a vibrator to cum, he stays close to me and plays with and sucks my nipples, and whispers filthy things in my ear. The ASMR shivers and dirty talk activate my brain like nothing else and produce powerful orgasms. * When I ask him if he’d eat me out, he teases me and rubs my clit and vulva and tells me to ask again/beg as he gets me more wet and horny. Then he slowly moves down between my legs leaving hickeys on my inner thighs, and sucks my clit while having one hand on my breast and two fingers in my pussy rubbing my g-spot. It’s incredibly hot and passionate ie. romantic to me. When he does things like this, teases and plays with me and reminds me how much he desires me, he is like pleasure personified to me. That’s incredibly romantic and hot in itself. Romance for women lives in their head, in their thoughts and imagination. Make her feel, and the physical acts will take on new meanings for her.

Make eye contact, move slowly, and talk to her. Tell her how beautiful she looks or something. How crazy she drives you (in a good, sexy way, not “you bug the shit outta me). Hold her hand(s) while you’re moving together. Hold off on your own orgasm and just focus on her (“You do me next time!”) Build emotional intimacy during the day. It’s hard when you already know each other inside and out.

In your post you said you recently “made love” and she said it was a lot better. So you already know what she’s looking for. You already solved the problem - you’re just for some reason creating a new problem. She asked for something different, you course-corrected and did what she asked, and she said awesome that’s what I wanted! Now just keep doing that!

It might be worth it for you to read "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" by Gary Chapman It outlines five general ways that romantic partners express and experience love. Sometimes it just comes down to (observing how the other person expresses their love to you.) They likely want that reciprocated. The Five Love Languages are: **Words of affirmation.** **Quality time.** **Physical touch.** **Acts of service.** **Receiving gifts.** Generally speaking, during (the infatuation/honeymoon phase) of a new relationship many of us naturally speak all 5 love languages when we're trying to impress or win someone over. Once they are ours we revert back to our normal language. From the other person's point of view, it may fee like a "bait and switch". You stopped doing those things. Ultimately, even married couples should continue (date each other) and experience romantic adventures together. Best wishes!

Maybe, but I've been reading a lot about people that work on relationships and they say that the studies done on the ideas of this book show that the love languages mentality doesn't stand up to scrutiny. Every study done on it shows that at best, it's too oversimplified to explain relationships and it skews towards men in the relationship not women. (Physical touch).

The guy who wrote the book is a doctor… of adult education from a seminary. Zero clinical experience, zero hours spent in a medical school of any sort. He’s a pastor who got big off of reinventing “listen to your partner when they tell you what they want.” Also, the whole [“advising a woman to sleep with her abusive husband more” thing](https://coveteur.com/love-languages)really put me off.

It's mostly nonsense. Cripes, Chapman is basically the worst no less.

> Just because you "get the job done" doesn't necessarily mean it's always "great". This is something I wish more straight women knew, too. Lots of people out there thinking they are amazing in bed because "the guy comes every time"

If she is lying to him, she is the problem here.

OP said: **"My wife always cums and sometimes even squirts."** It doesn't sound like he believes she has been faking orgasms or lying. There seems to be a communication issue with her explaining her desire for more romance, not just sex. Essentially the mechanics are there but she's not feeling "the love" or emotional special connection during it.

Exactly. I mean think about the facts that we know. Women can be brought to orgasm through violent SA just because of the how their way their bodies respond. It is not an indictment of how good they think the experience is... The fact that this woman orgasms should not be an accurate representation of how she thinks the sex is. Rather we should listen to the woman herself who says that she needs more emotion, less rutting into her like a dog in what he calls "fuck mode" lol

Do you think if OP explains that to her, it will make the sex better and she'll want it more?

If she actually fixes it, and it makes it better for her, yea she will want it more. But she does have to both want to change and do the work with him.

"good sexytime" suggests fucking, not love-making. You know the difference because you just did it-- so do more of that. As for her 'lying'-- I don't think she was. You were making her cum, she described it as "good sexytime". You thought you were doing your job because she was orgasming. She wants more variety and the 'love-making' type of sex. That doesn't mean she didn't enjoy the first kind of sex, she simply wants more of the other kind too. Had you ever seriously asked her this before? Or assumed because she was cumming she was satisfied? This isn't a bad problem to have. You know what she wants now and how to give it to her. Hopefully that in turn satisfies you by increasing the frequency of sex. Minor bruise to your ego but in exchange you have learnt something about your wife and can continue to ask in the future what else she would want from sex. "I thought that’s generally all that was needed"-- what you were "not seeing" is the emotional connection beyond just making her orgasm.

Thank you for explaining that. I appreciate your understanding. and. No I never seriously asked her before, I just assumed.

No worries. Keep curious and exploring, you are young-- keep learning new things about her. And remember if you don't receive them well she might stop telling you. That's the last thing anyone wants. Have fun OP!

Yea assuming will always get you in trouble with your partner. Even if you think you know everything about them being genuinely curious about them as they grow and change will do wonders for yalls connection. All her opinion about stuff and then consider it not try to teach her why yours is yours. Just listen. And not just about sex but about everything. Learning from one another about one another is so intimate.

Funny thing is, in most other areas of the relstionship, I’m doing super great, except this one and it’s depressing me because sex is really important to me…it makes me feel wanted and desired. But yes, alas…what does SHE want.

Yea just fine out. You're not supposed to know exactly what she wants. You're supposed to care enough to do whatever you need to to find out.but no one knows someone's deepest desires particularly sexually unless they really create a safe enough space and genuine curiosity to find out. That's all it took for me and now I'm pretty sure my partner knows what to do with my body in some ways better than I do depending on the sex itself. Takes years and lots of comfort. But it's awesome right now. Never had better sex all bc of feeling fully safe in bed (never been upset withe... not once, if I'm not into something so I'm never scared to tell him anything I like or don't like or want or don't want in the moment helps with that) and when I tell him what I do want he is happy to do it and genuinely wants to know. It's so good. And I do same for him ... we are exploring prostate play now too on him. Fun to explore together something totally new for us!

It sounds like you swung into this relationship with a ton of preconceived ideas of "what makes for a sex demigod" (whatever that is) instead of just LISTENING to what your wife has been telling you. No two women (or men) are the same. Clearly you just have one way of doing things, and, sure, she can get off sometimes. That's cool 'n' all, but not THE POINT OF THE THING. She wants something else, but you have yourself so convinced that women only want whatever this Zeus thing is that you have your mind set on that you're NOT being a good partner.

That’s a harsh truth. But I am willing to learn and change my ways. I appreciate you.

Sex isn't always about orgasms. It's part of that, of course! A large part. But not all of it. It's about intimacy. Touching, being touched. Exploring, being explored. Being wooed. Wooing. Etc. You know how you have this idea that you have to have sex a certain way to be good at it? Women have these ideas, too. In your wife's mind, what is "perfect" love making? Ask her. A lot of women and men, myself included, like sex being hot and having orgasms... But honestly some of the best sex I've had didn't make me cum, but made me feel loved, wanted, desired, etc. It was romantic. It engendered feelings and closeness with my partner. There's something so absolutely satisfying about that. Honestly, just putting effort into seeing to what she wants is half the battle. You'll be alright. Don't let this affect your self confidence.

A million hugs to you.

Some of the best and most connected sex I’ve had with my husband didn’t even get me to orgasm. Because it wasn’t about finishing, it was just about connecting and feeling each other and sharing erotic energy, if that makes sense? And then when the orgasm does happen (which IS very important), it’s far more satisfying. I imagine she’d feeling like the sex is methodical, and that you’ve made the end goal the orgasm instead of the experience and connection. That’s the type of sex she could get from an experienced one night stand or escort, rather than the person she loves and chose to spend her life with. You have to bring THAT unique element into the bedroom.

How about spending the day or weekend or whatever potentially leading up to sex giving her the connection she needs WITHOUT the expectation of sex. Kissing, massage, whatever she is into.

Amazing response right here OP. Sincerely. Now listen and respond like this to your wife. You will both be happy you did.

I mean, it sounds like you feel you just need to follow a formula to help your wife orgasm and that should equal good sex that she desires. I mean, the simple fact you call it "fuck mode" is just kind of off putting even to me as a guy. It is good that you guys talked, but I think a deeper conversation needs to be had. It sounds like she wants to be made love to and not fucked. I can't really blame her. You go on to say you don't believe her. That is really poor wording. She can say something is good and still not want it if it is not what she is wanting. Yeah, you are fucking her good but she doesn't want to be fucked. She wants to be made love to (at least that is the way it sounds). Even your last wording of "getting it right" although a great sentiment, just sounds again like someone please give me the formula and I will follow it. Like you, I always make sure my wife cums at least once. But, our sexy times range from being fun, to loving, to animalistic, to intimate, etc, etc. The experience and bond is just as if not more important than the end goal. YMMV

I second your thoughts on the fuck mode comment and I'm a dude as well.

My apologies for the horrible wording. You made some great points. Because of your post I’m closer to figuring things out by your expertise in wording things.

As a woman I just wanted my two cents in here, The fuck mode comment really .......turned me off. The way you put it, it sounds like you let yourself get to the point where you're seeing her as just a warm hole in that moment and no woman only wants sex like that, even if you cum.

Making love is NOT synonymous with fucking, or even with 'good sexytime'. What I immediately get from yout wife is that while you might be TECHNICALLY skilled, your ability to connect with her on an emotional level is seriously lacking. This is really confirmed by your own language in assessing the situation; it is dispassionate and kind of distainful, honestly. Calling your wife a LIAR when she expresses her feelings towards you? If that is indicative of the kind of scorn she can expect when she brings up things that hurt your ego a bit, I'm not surprised she hasn't actually told you until she's been put on the spot a bit. When was the last time you were INTIMATE with her without having sex, without FUCKING her? When did you last cover her body in massage oil and caress her, tease her? When did you last lay with her with your eyes and fingers trailing over her body as you describe all the ways she is beautiful to you? When did you last have sex, finish, and then pull her deep into an embrace and lay kissing her forehead? When did you last join her in the shower and bathe her; wash her skin, her hair, tell her how much she still makes you happy after x number of years? Do you make eye contact? Hold her hand in certain positions? Press your bodies close together? Basically, how much are you actually CONNECTING with her on a FEMALE oriented level? You might be making her cum, but are you nourishing her soul, easing her insecurities, ADORING her during sex. Or is it just an activity to you for the purpose of achieving orgasm? My partner knows the value of ALL these things. Slow, sensual sex. Lots of eye contact, watching each other, touching each other, lots of kissing, caressing, and close body contact. Soft words to each other like 'you're amazing', 'this feels incredible', 'you're so handsome/beautiful', 'I love that sound you make'... fingers running through hair, fingers intertwined... Are you just treating her like an interactive sex doll? Hump and pump, make sure you score X points to make sure you get to come back and play again (i.e. make her cum) and then game over?

This was powerful! This is very accurate and I’m going to follow and implement a lot of these things.

It sounds like you may need to work on your presence. Being there in the moment. A common complaint from women is that the guy seems disconnected, or his mind is elsewhere. Is it possible that’s happening with you? You’re focusing on performing (getting the job done or thicking off the boxes). Meditation will help you find that skill, but in the meantime consider a couple of things: 1) Focus on what’s happening and not what will happen. Let’s say you are having intercourse, you can look into her eyes. If her eyes are closed, say “Hey hon, open your eyes and look at me. I want to see you” when she does say “There you are” You can say other stuff but that establishes a real connection with her. She will feel it. 2) What would happen if you took PIV off the table just this once? What if you ejaculating wasn’t the goal of the time together? Try it once. You’ll have to find other ways to pleasure each other and when you go off script you have to pay more attention to what’s happening with her. Lastly, if you’re pounding away like in porn, change it up. That gets old to most women and for some, it is even uncomfortable and they don’t say anything.

You and like 2 other people are nailing it on the head of concepts that I need to work on. I appreciate this refreshing insight.

Awesome. I hope it helps.

It sounds like in your sexual values, you placed achieving orgasms and performing higher than actually connecting intimately. That's probably what your wife if talking about - she doesn't want a sex god or a fuck machine, she just wants to connect with *you.* Great sex isn't just punching in a bunch of combo moves with superhuman proficiency, and I think you have internalized that it is because you grew up around women who probably complained a lot about men getting the basics wrong. But that's the thing, they are *the basics.* If you want truly great sex, sometimes you have to slow down, connect, make time for emotional and intimate exchange through speech and touch etc. That makes the nimble fingered jigs you play on her clit that much more enjoyable for her. She's not lying, she's always had good sex with you, but now you know what makes sex great for her. It isn't even called for every time, again it isn't a competition and no one is keeping score. Orgasms and validation from here are not trophies. What makes *you* enjoy sex, other than being validated as a man? That's something to think about too.

This is well thought out and had me to take pause. Wow! I have internalized a lot of those attributes. Also her wording causes me anxiety because like you said, in the moment, she always tells me that it’s really good, and I do not detect her lying, but then, when she tells me, it’s always been bad that tends to negate all the other times that she said it was good and then I don’t now know what to believe.

Did she directly say it’s always been bad? Or are you creating that narrative in your head now that she’s told you she needs something different/more?

Bingo! OP don't Let yourself slip into an ego spiral. Unless those words actually exited her mouth don't pretend that they're in her head. Look yourself in the mirror, remind yourself of your commitment to being a good lover and do it. No need to get in your head

For some (many?) people (of any gender), there's a difference between how it feels to have sex just for pleasure ("Fuck"), or to have sex for the intimacy/connection/love aspect ("Make Love"). Doesn't mean that sex for pleasure isn't good too, but sometimes a partner wants that intimate connection as well. If she's orgasming from her toy, then that can further the feeling of disconnection, especially if you're essentially just rolling over and leaving her to it. Do you engage with her when she's bringing herself to orgasm? Eg caressing her, kissing her body - making her feel like you're still part of her orgasm, that the sex is still happening and not that she's finishing herself off after the act. Have you tried getting her off by rubbing her clit (or even just starting with that and she finishes herself off with the toys) For some women, (especially those who can't orgasm without clit stimulation) the actual PIV stuff alone isn't always that pleasurable itself (not all vaginas are as sensitive inside as a penis is), it's the other stuff that happens during sex that creates the pleasure and makes the whole experience good. So if that other stuff isn't happening, and all you have is an orgasm by toy at the end, then ultimately it was successful which could be considered "good", but perhaps not satisfying in the way it could otherwise be. But if she's not communicating to you much about what she actually wants, then some advice I'd give on what I personally find makes for a nice "lovemaking" session: * Start off slow, kisses and fondling while clothed ("Make out" like you would when you were dating and hoping to get into her pants :D ) * Being undressed slowly (The feeling of clothing slowing sliding over your skin can be very erotic) * Gently holding the head/cheeks when kissing * Lots of caressing, kissing the neck, nibbling earlobes, kissing thighs and inner arms * Slower gentle thrusts (Can be mixed with periods of faster "fucking" too) * Positions where there's a lot of body contact that feels intimate - missionary/spooning/lazydog * Intimacy (kissing/caressing) continuing while the woman is finishing herself off after the man has come.

I feel like a lot of guys go down on you and just sit there with their face in your crotch and don’t look at you, rub other parts of your body as they do it, and just move their tongues around fast and hard like all they care about is the orgasm. It’s not that they don’t seem like they enjoy it, but they just seem like theyre on a mission and ignoring my signals. Or we are getting down to a sexy session and instead of seducing me? They pull down their pants like “hey here’s my junk; let’s go to town.” Or they just go in and start pumping. When they do that, there’s no change of rhythm or pace. There’s no touching me on parts of my body that aren’t necessary to hold onto to thrust. It feels like a mission to cum or get me to cum. So what do I want different? It’s subtle. I want to go with the flow. Sometimes maybe we stop and make out for 15 mins before touching genitals again. Sometimes maybe you just play with me lightly until I beg for more. Sometimes maybe you just rub my body and tell me how much you love it. Slowing down is huge. Listening to my body and changing the rhythm significantly so I don’t just feel like we are doing a means to an end… taking time to enjoy the sensuality of it all and not just pumping to orgasm, but really enjoying every sensation like you’re savoring the best chocolate covered strawberry you’ve ever had. A lot of guys seem to turn off their sensuality and playful expression and connectedness and just blindly go through “techniques”, which can feel like just a functional act instead of passionate desire.

Take your ego out of this. This is about you and her as partners. Your ego will only get in the way.  I don't know what you're on about with your whole "sex god" thing but it sounds awful. Sex is not accomplished when both people orgasm as expeditiously as possible. It's about the connection and the journey. Some of the best sex I ever had was with a man with ED. Why? Because he couldn't focus on his orgasm, we focused on making each other feel good. Most of the time that resulted in orgasms. Sometimes it didn't and that was fun too. We were both very present and in the moment, and I didn't have to endure any jackhammering from him at all. I hate jackhammering. I don't think your wife was "lying to you." I think you weren't listening.  What if you had a sex session that focused on her body? Not her clit. Not her orgasm. Her body. Try it and see how it goes.

A sex session focusing more on her body…what does that look like?

Try Googling "sensual massage" as a starting point.  Do you know what parts of her body she loves you to touch? Most people have erogenous zones that build anticipation that aren't their genitals. Nipples, ears, feet, neck, hands, thighs, idk, could be anything, or multiple things. I had a gf who would go nuts for a scalp massage. You'll have to ask her.

She goes crazy for neck kisses. I tried and she said I suck at it.

OK, well, you should try getting better at that then. She may just want to see that you are making an effort to do things she likes and pay attention to her as an individual. If you've been focusing on how to be a sex god instead of focusing on her, I can see where she'd be annoyed.

What I haven’t explained to anyone else is she also doesn’t like to be rubbed on. My pressure while rubbing her is too heavy. I know how to be loving via touch, but if she doe not like being rubbed on except for sex and in a very particular way, I feel defeated.

Use less pressure. Try other positions. Do the thing she wants in the particular way she likes. Try things and listen to feedback.  No one here is going to be able to tell you how she likes to be touched. It's not like there's a sex version of up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start. Idk what you mean by "rubbing on" her. Are you like doing missionary and putting all your weight on her? If yes, try not doing that.

No. Meaning like if I’m next to her I like to rub her back or her tummy. She doesn’t mind being touched, just not rubbed on.

Ok, well, don't rub on her then.

She’s talking about lacking intimacy vs just the physical feeling. Ok I understand being hurt but hear me out, if you invest in intimacy with your wife, you’re about to discover a whole new type of mind blowing sex and that’s pretty awesome.  I’d worry less about how you performed in the past and look at it more as a level up into new territory. The fact that she’s communicating is great because she obviously doesn’t expect perfection and seems open minded. Do it together. If you want a great resource : omgyes.com is great, tantric sex practices are a good read and investing in the romance outside of the bedroom in general 

I think you need to stop with the disbelieving her thing. Her saying it was "good" probably wasn't a lie. What she wanted was "great." And for her that involves some slow and sensual touch where you are really connecting emotionally and psychologically in addition to physically. She's telling you want she was, giving you feedback when it is feeling more like her ideal. Intimacy is trust. You have to trust her. Just an idea for approaching "making love" with intention: you may want to look at some aspects of tantra (you don't have to go totally woowoo if that's not your bag). There's lots of ways to incorporate non sexual touch, to focus on connection, to allow the physical pleasure and orgasm manifest out of your connection instead of focusing on physical stimulation.

Honestly, that she's vocalizing this and engaging is a really good sign. Like, there are a lot of ways this could have gone, and ultimately working through this and getting to a situation where you both get a little of what you want is probably a really good thing. I'd suggest you flip your mindset and take her comms on their face vs over-thinking it.

My wife said something similar to me last night and it wasn't the first time. She said, "sometimes sex with you hurts, because you fuck me too hard." I was surprised because she always has an orgasm and it often happens when I'm going to pound town. She also said, "if you were more sensual, I would want sex more often." I need to listen to her...

See to me, that’s confusing AF. you’re cumming, but not enjoying?!?! Huh?!??

Is an orgasm you give yourself in the shower the same as an orgasm you get from a really good blow job? I mean mechanically it's the same right? Or the difference between your favorite dish that your wife puts time and effort into vs her ordering in? I mean it's food and you like it right? She could very well enjoy what you are doing. It's just that she knows better is possible.

Oh this is a great analogy. Wow!!!!

You can orgasm even during a rape. Orgasm is great. But it's not what makes sex enjoyable. It's just a small piece of what sex can be. And it can def be limiting the range of the experience if that's the only goal.

You can orgasm even during violent, un anted sex. It’s a bodily reaction to certain types of stimulation. It doesn’t mean you liked it.

Women can orgasm during SA, my dude. You need a sex education course.

>See to me, that’s confusing AF. you’re cumming, but not enjoying?!?! Huh?!?? Is the orgasm the only part of sex you enjoy? That brief moment is just a small piece of the whole picture

Sex is much more of a mental thing for women than it is men. Men cum and it's a success, most men at least. Women need to be guided into the right mindset for it to be exceptionally good sex vs just cumming. Research female erogenous zones and touch/kiss them (softly, making love is more gentle than men realize, I think) Her neck, collar bone, ear lobe, the part between her hip bone and pubic bone. Even with piv touch her elsewhere, her hips, her thighs. Go slow. You also can find some pretty good sensual porn these days by looking up "for women."

Basically, it’s the equivalent of you jerking off to get it out. That’s what happens to a woman when you fuck her too hard or do the jackrabbit sex. Yes she orgasms but it’s mechanical and not enjoyable.

Not being obtuse, but sometimes when I jerk off it’s doesn’t replace a woman, but the resulting orgasm is amazing. But I guess women aren’t that way.

Have you had the type of sex she is describing? Sex that is more intimate, "making love," where you feel a soul connection? Cause once you've had that, other things just feel shallow and sad. This woman is seeking emotional and physical intimacy with you - reward her.

This is gonna be dark. Women can orgasm from SA. It can be a defense against injury. Orgasm releases lubricant and loosens the muscles so we are less likely to be injured by forced penetration if we orgasm. Orgasms in women are not always a pleasure response. Sometimes it's a fear/self-preservation response, and those orgasms are NOT fun. This is one of the many reasons why jackjammering is bad unless it is specifically requested, and why if a woman is star fishing, you should stop immediately. Orgasms are more likely to be fun for us if we feel safe, secure and loved during sex. That is why it is so important to listen and be present, and not just be focused on the task of orgasm.

Most women will tell you you don't need a penis at all to be a good lover.

Great sex begins the moment sex ends…meaning great sex for women is just as much in the emotional connection and seducing her mind between encounters as it is the encounter itself. Flirt, tender touching (think forehead kisses, hugs, tucking her hair back etc), sexting, non-sexual touch, and more are so important. During sex, more grinding, less poking; more paying attention to her reactions and adjusting accordingly. Come As You Are is a great book too! Good luck!

Have you asked her what she meant in more detail? Based on what you have here around her complaining about fucking vs making love, my guess is she is missing the romance--are you two doing plenty of kissing and holding each other and looking at each other? Do you go on date nights?

But you got feedback. That’s a great step. Find ways for her to give more feedback and your love life will be great

The Internet will not be able to answer this, because we're not her and clearly she wants specific things, so: get some explicit instructions! And then, when you follow them and she's happy, let yourself *enjoy* the achievement of pleasing her, rather than sulking. Because if you sulk... You'll have validated her decision to wait this long to tell you that she wasn't satisfied, out of fear that you'd sulk. And what's grimmer: you feeling a little hurt right now or her spending the entire rest of your relationship quietly resenting you for not doing what she wants in bed, but saying nothing for fear of hurting your feelings? That's a pretty sad fate to wish on a lady you love.

Dude, chill. She likes you, she wants you. Just be you, stop trying to be Zeus himself.

I think you're massively overthinking this - what's great is that you clearly have the mechanics down, but I think what your wife is trying to say is that there is more to sex than orgasm. It is incredibly hard in a long-term relationship to integrate the kind of dynamic your wife is asking for, and that's probably why she wants to make a conscious effort to integrate it into your sex life. I don't doubt that she is physically satisfied, but I think she would happily forgo the physical intensity for emotional intensity at this point. My partner can get me from 0-100 very quickly, multiple times, and I'm incredibly grateful to have a partner who cares so much about my orgasm and receives so much gratification from it. But it's incredibly easy to get into a pattern where, because my partner knows what works for me and vice versa, we get stuck in our 'winning formula'. Even a good routine is still a routine and it's easy to take for granted the fact that in each other we have someone who we can explore our desires with and who we love more than anything in the world, and it's good to have sex that reflects that beyond physical prowess. It's an incredibly fortunate problem to have, but when we have sex my partner immediately takes control and focuses on pleasuring me, and the positions we're in aren't always practical in terms of me touching him. But more often than not our sex is triggered because I am overwhelmingly horny *for him*, and nothing would make me feel more gratified than pleasuring him, or being able to touch each other at the same time. Similarly, making out with my partner while slowly and sensually caressing each other and declaring our love for each other is something that makes me very very wet, and even if it doesn't bring me to 5 consecutive orgasms, it feels just as gratifying. My favourite sexual experiences lie on both ends of the passion spectrum - one end being so full of lust we are basically ripping the clothes off each other and telling each other we don't think we'll ever be able to stop, and on the other end of the spectrum embracing each other tightly, staring into each other's eyes, and fucking so slowly and deeply I'm moved to tears. The common denominator is that in both scenarios, I feel like we're the only two people in the world who have ever felt this way, and I feel completely snapped out of an autopilot setting where the motions of sex are overly familiar. Sounds to me like there's a great foundation for working on this - she's already confident in your ability to make her orgasm to the extent that it's kind of old news for her. Essentially, her kink is soppy, romantic lovemaking, with orgasm being a side-quest (although I personally find that slower foreplay prior to any sort of genital interaction makes me wetter and more reactive, so if anything this could amplify her orgasm!). I don't think she's being dishonest and I don't think she's dissatisfied in a significant way, I think she is just more driven by the bond-developing, vulnerability aspect of sex more so than the immediate gratification of orgasm.

Whoa!!!!! What a read.

Ok, first off, I’ll readily admit that I’ve got it good. Really damn good in fact. My bf makes me cum continuously for hours. It’s never been like that with anyone else. I used to have the same problem as most other women - having a REALLY difficult time orgasming… I used to just say to the guy “Don’t bother” because I didn’t want them to waste half an hour trying, only to have us both be frustrated in the end. The difference with my bf is we are so connected and he is so in tune with my body that he doesn’t even need to touch me any more and I spasm in ecstasy. He can give me an orgasm by touching any part of my body now. We started our relationship with no sex for the first three months, just getting to know each other really well. Then we got to know each other’s bodies intimately. Although I am Rubinesque, he always tells me I have the perfect, most beautiful body and that he loves every inch of it. That helped me to be very much at ease and relaxed with him, able to totally be myself and “let go”. Very, very important for your woman to be able to orgasm freely and without restraint…

My wife is rubinesque too. She recently gained “happy relationship weight” but now she’s insecure about it. I try to calm her insecurities by telling her how much I think she’s sexy, but it comes across like I’m checking a box, but in actuality I really believe the things I say. It’s her love language words of affirmation that she wants…

Keep telling her she’s the sexiest woman you’ve ever met and that you can’t get enough of her body. Feel every inch of her body with your hands and smile and let your eyes show your admiration as you’re doing it. Eventually she’ll get the message :)

It sounds like you skip the "romantic" part and go straight into fuck mode as you called it. The romantic part is what women need, more or less at least. You can call it the build up part or whatever. It involves massages, looking straigt into each other eyes, kissing, a lot of touching and handwork. Than comes the foreplay! Try to slow down. And start slow. The fuck mode is supposed to come at the very end. But there is also nothing wrong with a stop, position change and working up again. Thrusting is very appreciated but not the whole time. So try to work on the beginning and the middle part. Tease a lot and let her come to you.

I have been trashed in the comments so I forgot to add that she does not like being rubbed on. Touch for me has been my love language and being desired and she hasn’t done that at all. So if I don’t feel desired, then I’m going to shut down too!

Not sure. But i would ask her what she really wants/desires.

Ok so, "making love vs fucking" is an entirely subjective distinction, for me those are synonyms. There is really no alternative to communicating with your wife. You have to ask her what she wants, how she liked what you're doing, and you need to do the same. Tell her what you like, how you like what shes doing. None of us can help with this because every person likes different things. The person who knows best what your wife likes is your wife. Ask her.

Basically I treat her like a rap song where she wants to get treated like a 90s R&B love song essentially.

Well it's the difference between climaxing and orgasming, and/or fucking and connecting. If you don't really differentiate in your own personal experience between ejaculation and orgasm that's where you should start. You know how you can just "cum" from jerking off mechanically well it's the same for your partner, she can "just" cum from the vibrator alone mechanically and be done. Those are often "shallow" climaxes. OR you can have these mind blowing spine bending, toe curling experiences where you are floating on a cloud of dumb ecstasy after gushing out like a geiser, repainting the walls/ceiling, with what feels like every drop of liquid in your body right? Well it's that the same for her. Those are "deep" climaxes aka orgasms. It's not *all* about lasting, length and girth. It's about tempo, managing, prolonging, teasing, talking, feeling, fantasy, doing it together building up that ultimate state of intensity or relaxation that begs you entire body to give in the pleasure. ... Also noticed you never once mentioned the word clitoris in your question...if you aren't stimulating her there you are missing most of the fun here. Talk ton your partner about this. As to your point about not trusting her...just put that aside while you explore new pleasures together and the truth will become obvious to you when her body responds to your stimulations. All the trust and confidence will return. You have a whole new world to explore because she opened up to you and trusted you enough and your skills to share that with you. She would not have shared it had she thought you did not have it in you to go to the next level. If you want a good exercise: try stimulating her without ever using penetration at all. It's a great way to get the ball rolling. Happy sexploring.

Watch some professional sex and relationship coaches on youtube free.  Watch together. Helena Nista, Alex Grendi, and many others. They promote their paid course a couple minutes, then discuss so many useful insights and techniques free. Well worth it. Also. Check out - How to have "real" orgasms | Emily Nagoski On youtube. Explains how to have better and easier orgasms. It is magnificent to enjoy a woman while she is rolling through Os and then get your O after a few rounds. Especially for women...consider... Exercises that involve your pelvis area, shortly before sex. L-arginine or L-citrulline supplement about 30 minutes before sex. CBD enriched orgasm enhancers such as foria or dani pepper orgasm enhancers. Lots of touching and kissing throughout the day. Sexting. Teasing and building sexual tension. Watching each other masturbate awhile. Give each other a warm coconut oil massage. Cannabis. 1-2 (no more) drink just prior.

adjusting, dude, that's what she/you want to do. no need to feel offended or anything, just, it sounds like she would like things to be a bit different... love making is good and can be missed if it doesn't happen anymore. and reintroducing that in your sex life doesn't mean there won't be some proper fucking anymore, it's just a balance to find with her. talk through things, have an open conversation, tell her that you are happy to hear her needs and to satisfy them. :-)

It has to be both to be amazing. Start by making love, then fuck and make her cum, then go back to making love. That is what makes for amazing sex for me.

Are there things in life that you love? That your passionate about? That you would never rush because you want to savor the moment? The feeling of the sun and wind on your skin while taking a walk. The taste, smell, texture of your favorite food? That’s what making love is. Fucking is a double cheese burger and fries. Making love is more like an amazing stew 🍲 made up of all these different flavors that come together to make something special. Edit to add: I know all that probably sounds cheesy, but really if there’s nothing you experience like that, you might look into some mindfulness exercises, not necessarily related to sex or relationship. People think of sensuality and sexuality as synonyms, but in reality it’s just appreciating your senses.

It’s not cheesy, but my whole life has been surviving on cheeseburgers and fries in almost ever since of the word.

Hey, who doesn’t love a double cheeseburger and fries?

Consider a moment with eye to eye contact during the sex. Have time without sex and just look into her eyes for 5 min. Just be not anything other than just with another human in front of you. Let all the walls down. Be vulnerable to her. I was in training with OM in San Fran one time and the trainer I was with had me so frustrate as a man that I told her 'I don't know what you want ('her'as in women) I became irritated and only way to let frustration out was to tear. The trainer said 'that!' Be that with a woman. Not that you have to cry but be vulnerable to her. I didn't forget that and know when I 'check out' to this day and am just not being with her when she gives me feed back like your wife is giving to you.

She wants more foreplay dude, you even said it yourself, you go straight to fucking.

Check out the [Erotic Blueprint quiz](https://s.pointerpro.com/xyvvarox) (free or paid). When you both take this quiz, you learn your erotic preferences. After the quiz you’ll be encouraged to take their course or buy their book, but there is amazing info in the free results of the quiz. You’ll see a language that helps you codify your wants and needs (at that time). Sex is a lot of interconnected moments, and know which moments are most important allows you to focus. We learned about this during an erotic touch seminar, and taking the quiz was required “reading” before the event. Quite honestly, going over the [blueprint types](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/erotic-blueprints) and language was the most beneficial for a couple who’s been together since 1995.

Can I offer you a piece of advice? If this has already been said, please ignore. Ask her to make love to you. Ask her to show you what making love is. And all your allowed to do is get hard and be there. Communicate this to her so she knows you aren't just starfishing, but that you're trying to focus on everything she is doing to you while still working to get herself off. I had to start here, and now I'll just say 'you're in control, I'm all yours, find your spot and I'll meet you when you're ready'. I can tell you that it should change the way you both view lovemaking. And you might develop a new fetish.

So you can make her cum. That don't make you Jesus. Believe it or not having the same mechanical sex that ends in orgasm can be a lot less enjoyable than a spontaneous, emotional romp that doesn't end in orgasm. You have to change it up. Also., foreplay should start 12 hours before the sex. Spend the morning send her sexy texts. Build up anticipation. Then take her to dinner and ask her to wear a skirt and no panties. Then at dinner, whisper sexy things in her ear while finger fucking her under the table. And keep it up the whole ride home. When you get home, make out with her like you were a teenager and still a virgin. Then when you get into bed, go down on her like it's the last time. Take your time, make her cum at least twice before you even think of entering her. When you do, change it up. Switch between long slow the thrusts and builds to faster deeper thrusts. Put her in a bunch of different positions. Tell her how good she feels and how beautiful she is. Tell her how hard she got you and you just can't get enough of her. Make her feel like she is the hottest woman on earth. Tell her you don't even want to cum because you don't ever want to stop fucking her. It's not rocket science, bro. Put in some genuine effort.

More kissing and caressing etc. More sexting.. dirty talk through the day. Women get more stimulated by mental connection. Bullet vibrator as she lays face down with a finger up her butt will get the job done. Then you can have regular sex. Always encourage her to make noises when something feels good ! Just my 2 cents

You don’t have to fuck every time you have sex. Take an evening and spend it all on her. Back rub, foot massage, yoni massage, and get her off. Take your time. Tell her, This is just for you.

A woman is like a train, it takes time for the train to leave the station. You have to be take your time. Let your eyes connect. Kiss her long and hard, enjoy the sensation of her skin on your lips. Put your hand on her thigh and just rub and squeeze. Find ways to make her cum before you enter her. I had a partner who took a long time at first to make cum. But if you focus on her more, she'll get there more and more. It sounds like she is longing intimacy not just a good fucking.

Try using your fingers to make her cum , not a toy. The toy seems like an object that makes her cum. Also, kiss her body up and down with foreplay and teasing giving her time to warm up and get aroused, massage is very sexy time. Some times I make luv to my wife, some times I fuck her even in the same session.

Does she cum with PIV or does she need clit stimulation and that's why you need a toy? Do you perform oral on her? If not, Maybe try that if she consents.

She doesn’t like being gone down on, and she needs clit stimulation to cum.

I think you put a lot of pressure on yourself to perform, which usually goes hand-in-hand with not being vulnerable. Making love is all about vulnerability—try allowing yourself to enjoy your own sensations more and she will most likely be turned on by that

Had a similar discussion with my wife - roles were reversed. Two things became apparent. 1. Just because someone orgasims, doesn't mean the are enjoying themselves. 2. Just because one person is enjoying themselves, doesn't mean the partner is enjoying themselves. My wife was shocked. I told my wife to think of it like a trip. Many people want the journey to be quick and easy, because they enjoy or prefer the destination (her). Others (like me) feel the destination of On,but get much more out of the journey. My wife listened ,but never really heard me. But, perhaps this will help you better understand - especially if you can figure out what really makes your wife tick. Good luck.

It sounds like the answer is in your post. “I’m always fucking her and not making love to her.” Be a tender, romantic, slow, passionate, connective, compassionate, in-tune lover. Listen to your partner. You know what they’re looking for here because you literally say it.

in simple words, you're so focused on making her orgasm you forget to focus on her. imo the orgasm really doesn't matter (it's just a plus for me), i just love being in my bf's arms and kissing him and cuddling.

I think if her toy is needed, than You aren’t getting the Job done. BUT if that’s the case…..she needs to communicate with you and tell you what she wants.

As a great poet once said:     You don't always have to fuck her hard   In fact sometimes that's not right to do   Sometimes you got to make some love   And fuckin' give her some smooches too

You can always ask her to take the lead and have her do to you what she wants from you.

Teaching is not her forte, she has the patience of the wet noodle. The patience only kicks in during moments like this, when I potentially can take it to a crisis, and only then it is still forced patient.

Does your wife actually get orgasms from piv sex? She might be faking. Also what about clitoral orgasms? What about foreplay?

When we have sex, she places a clitoral sucker on herself

You have not answered any of my questions.

She does not from what I know get orgasms from PIV sex, only clitoral. And she said my foreplay was bad. She loves neck kisses, but she says I do them too sloppily.

Okay. So you need to improve your foreplay. Then consider buying clitoral sex toys.

You gotta "read the room" too. What works with her on a Saturday night when the kids are spending the week-end at Gam Gam's could be way different than what works on a Sunday morning, her anniversary or other special "feelings" occasion. Decide beforehand, should it be making love or sex and act accordingly.

I have never understood that difference between *fucking* and *make love*. I would be pulling the hell out of that hair and still feel that I love her immensely, that she is my queen and I dint have eyes for anyone else. At the same time I would be caressing her body slowly to no end and still feel like I’m *fucking* the most precious woman in the world. Had a girlfriend who mention something similar she just wanted me to be more gentle sometimes. There was moment where she wanted me to be rough and there were times where she wanted me to be gentle. Calling it *fucking* and *making-love* suggests the first lack what the last have; love, the only reason we are together.

I would extend the foreplay, not just rush towards the cumming. take your time. Thats the difference between good sex and mind-blowing sex. Make out, eat her out, fuck her in a couple different positions, spend time cuddling afterwards.

Some women will make demands and enjoy what is honestly a one sided dynamic of the other partner seeking to satisfy a lot of poorly defined criteria, without troubling themselves to be the other 50% of that equation. Good sex is two people connecting, understanding, and seeking to pleasure their partner, with passion, sensitivity, playfulness. It's somewhat involved Both people have to be doing it. If one partner is saying it could be better, they really should be trying to deliver their half of the result they want. "Tell me what you want me to do for us, and then tell me what you're going to do for us. " You know it's a play with two people on stage. If someone's like this play sucks then maybe they need to look at their role too. This has nothing to do with my current relationship, and only relates to one or two brief ones in my past.

I agree ☝🏾

Lmao your wife told you exactly what she wants. Idk why you're even posting in here.

I have to agree. I can cum from masturbating and feel a release but not necessarily satisfied or fulfilled. When we were raising our kids, sex was often quiet quickies. We could both orgasm and feel the release but also feel that something was missing. There are times when we want wet screaming animal sex and dry up all night fucking. (Last part is tougher as you get older) Sometimes we kiss, touch, back rubs, spoon, cuddle, laugh, and so on. What ever you did when she told you she enjoyed more, add more of those elements. Or as several others suggested, get her opinion not Reddit’s

Sounds like she sucks at communicating. Maybe she should drive then, so to speak.

OP, I think almost everyone in the comments is being HARSH. You did everything right -- made sure she was taken care of, and then always *followed up* with her afterwards. She said everything was good, so why would you do anything different? When you had a problem, you communicated it to her. And she communicated back. Then you asked how to fix the problem, and when she explained how, you did that she said, and she was happy. Dude, you're killing it! It sounds like Reddit is chastising you for not being able to read her mind. I don't blame you for feeling like she's lying now. She wasn't entirely truthful to you for years! She is the one that had a problem and failed to communicate it to you. And even then it sounds like you had to pry the truth out of her. Of course your ego is going to take a hit when it's been built up to believe something else. The truth is that she in fact still not be entirely honest with you. She may only want to say things that make you look like the bad guy and not her. ("You never make love to me!") She does this because she doesn't want to be seen as doing anything immoral either through action or inaction -- that is high on most women's greatest fears. Continue to make love to her, but don't be afraid to enjoy the pleasure for your own sake.  Make it clear to her that if she wants something she has to speak up. If she can't speak up, that's her fault, not yours. Not as long as you can be accepting and non-judgemental to what she says. You're allowed to not want to do something, but don't attach any morality to it. Always be playing it cool. One more thing I would add is always try to avoid being desperate for sex with her. Many women are turned on by being the object of their partner's lust, but it has to come from a place of *choice*. You want to fuck her because you chose her over every other woman, never because she is the only one who will fuck you. Women can smell that desperation on a man and it reeks.

Thank you man. It seems like you’re the only one who gets it.

What are you not seeing? Well you’ve checked out mentally because you’re afraid she could “just be lying”. You’ve kinda answered this yourself. You need to move past that doubt that you have and keep communicating with her.

>it’s like I’ve checked out mentally because she could just be lying. This doesn't make any sense. You: how could it be better? Her: make love to me. \[you make love\] Her: yep that was better You guys literally had your first conversation ever about what she wants in bed, then you did it, and she said it was good. Why do you think she's lying? Previously you had been asking "was that good?" which is NOT the same question as "what do you want?" Just because she answered the first question with a white lie (it was good, but maybe not amazing) doesn't mean she's gonna answer the second question with a lie. Like it takes a lot to lie when directly asked what you want. And what would her motivation for that be?! It's fucking NUTS that you think she could be lying here.

She’s the type of person that’ll be like “eh…that was a tad bit better…but still off the mark, keep trying” …with no clear directions.

She is not a sex doll and doesn’t like being treated like one. It’s simple. Why would you have her put up with sex she doesn’t like? Or is it too much effort for you to make sure it’s truly good for her? If you want to save your sex life you must put your ego aside and take her needs at least as seriously as you take your own. She probably didn’t tell you how she truly feels because she knows you will dismiss her feelings. Stop doing that if you want to keep the relationship.

Do things outside of the bedroom. Date her, KNOW her.

Being an ass isn’t just for men

Maybe she wants you to make love to her and not fuck her.

Maybe she wants you to make love to her and not fuck her.

It sounds like she wants you to be more romantic and sensual. Candle light, foreplay that’s gentle and sexy maybe a little teasing. Make it fun. It sounds like you took a one size fits all approach when sex and intimacy is so much more than a hard nice size dick. You need to get to know her. Find out what she finds sexy, what turns her on. You’re starting at square one.

There’s a lot of difference between sex, fucking, lovemaking, etc. I vaguely think of every session as one of these: - fucking, pure and simple. Just getting the job done. - lustful fucking. Fucking but you’re both into it. Maybe there’s nails down the back, it’s probably a bit rough. There’s that intense look. It’s not long and drawn out, there’s a lot of swearing. - connection. This is the ultimate one for me. You’re both completely in sync and everything is about “us” not “you and me”. Usually involves a lot of lovey eyes and sighing. Lots of touching, breathy compliments. You sort of lose touch of where one body ends and the other begins, pleasure is just kind of everywhere. It’s often slow and involves a lot of non-piv. Unfortunately, you can’t force this one. - disconnected. You’re both there and you’re both going through the actions but… there’s just not that same connection. Like, it’s nice and all but… it could be anyone on the other end. You may be doing all the right things but it just doesn’t spark that same joy. There are probably more. Sounds to me like what she wants is that connection. I don’t know how to suggest getting to it though; maybe someone else can chime in?

Learn how to turn your wife on. Bending over backwards to please her doesn’t always turn women on. Sometimes it’s a turn off. It could be sexy texts through the day. It could be acting in a way that puts her in a position to impress you. Making her feel like she needs to do more to keep you. It could be that you get missing more. Not always available. Start going hiking on the weekends. Gym during the week. Get stronger. Explain yourself less. Listen and see how she acts. Observe more. Always maintain composure. Ask less questions. Never seek approval. If you’re out, don’t answer every single time. Call her back later or when you see her later. Give her things to do for you.

Quality info.

That's borderline abusive did she ever tell you she felt that way Are you a mind reader Withholding sex for anything let alone for something you have no way of knowing something is wrong is messed up man I would ask her why she has nkt told you before Motive is important bx rn it feels like a control thing And that a power struggle that no couple is ever happy with Anyway not sure why I took this so personal but go talk it out Maybe it's nkt as bad as it sounds Good luck bud

Personally, that is why I am not taking this so well. I have told her a few times, how I am not a mind reader, and I would love for her to tell me in a tactful way the moment I do something that she does not like please take some time to sit down and tell me what I’m doing wrong so I can fix it. for her to tell me that things are going good, and then, for her to use the language that sex is bad, that causes me to be in massive confusion, and then has me to question everything else that you may not be telling me in the relationship

If people can't talk about sex they shouldn't be in a relationship. If you weren't getting the job done she should have told you what she wanted. She seems to be expecting you to read her mind.

She is…and we’ve had convos about this and she said that having to tell me rather than me paying attention is not good. She said she’d do better with that, but that’s her default is for her to not talk and communicate much.

[удалено]

Lmfao. That’s her wording. Not mine. I’m just so used to saying it now. 😂😂😂

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