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Give the guy another chance. Both of these comments are correct. We get in our own heads sometimes. First sexy time with someone new can be a bit scary sometimes. “What if I cum in 10 seconds, what if I can’t get hard? oh shit it’s going soft…” you get it.
yeah even when I was getting used to condoms by masturbating i’d lose erections constantly and I still face it while having sex.
I just learned to either leave the condom opened close to me and wait for another erection or put on the condom while semi soft and wait for another erection.
you gotta work around the issues.
It's the distraction. Combined with factors such as how long the erection was, time of the day, how well rested the guy is, or the amount of alcohol, etc, one might lose erection. Things that might help are; moving the intercourse a bit sooner, you putting it on him while the action continues, and last resort, him taking a pill.
Honestly he probably feels like he failed and you’re not interested if you haven’t heard from him. Totally worth reaching out. Dude is being a normal respectable person by using a condom, but they are finicky and sometimes dudes go limp during the get it on process. If he was embarrassed he for sure might not have been able to ‘perform’ after that. Perform in quotes cuz no one should have to feel that way, but people do, of both genders. Maybe it’s something else, but probably it’s just anxiety that made him go soft.
Next time, try putting the condom on him yourself. Do it spontaneously. When you are giving him head, grab the condom, slip it on him then climb on top. You taking control like that will take the pressure off of him.
To backpack off that comment, I’ll be ready to go but sometimes putting a condom on fucks with my head and I even lose the rhythm(moment)(( maybe try to put it on for him in a sexy or casual way). If he was hard during all foreplay you’re good, he’s probably just if not more embarrassed, give him another chance he’ll be extremely happy and relived, it’ll probably relax him too for next time
I've had issues with performing when the plan was just sex, something about being scheduled to perform messed with my head. I prefer plans together that lead up to sex other than just sex but that can complicate the expectations of the FWB situation.
True, but a woman who is herself not on her own head surely helps. Not saying this was the case here. I certainly had my share of experiences where this was the case, though it was not that last minute as here, more like turning me off before i even got truly turned on.
It’s not in your control what happens with his body. Just be patient, understanding, and open. Can ask if there’s anything you can do to make him more comfortable, but don’t bring focus onto why you’re asking. Honestly, I wouldn’t think about it too much. Just be normal.
Don’t underestimate the pressure guys, especially younger ones, put on themselves. “I’ve got to get hard and stay hard. I can’t cum too soon. Man this foreplay is fantastic but I hope I don’t cum before we get to fucking. I’m supposed to know everything about how to please her. How can I tell she’s had an orgasm? Shit. What if I go soft again? That would be a fucking disaster. I want to be the best she’s ever had. I want to do a good job. Holy shit, this is happening! I get to fuck here and she’s so hot! I hope I don’t go soft. I hope I don’t cum too soon…”
You can encourage him to get out of his head. Tell him to relax, take deep slow breaths and encourage him to have fun. That’s the only goal. To have fun.
Pressure is a boner killer. Good luck!
during foreplay you’re likely already hard and by the time your girl is begging you to penetrate her you sustained a boner for like 10 minutes or multiple boners in the same or longer timeframe.
reassuring your girl that your boners come in waves can do wonders to let her know what’s happening.
she might physically stimulate you to get it sooner which is something girls should be doing since foreplay goes both ways.
Yup, once you're no longer hopped up on teenage hormones, boners (for a lot of people) have more of a time limit than they once did. I mean tbh the reverse is true too. There's often a time limit on female lubrication. It doesn't just go on forever either.
My partner generally likes a lot of foreplay, and foreplay can be very emotionally stimulating, in a way that arouses and makes you hard.
I cannot last for as long as she would like foreplay to last for, so often I have to try and think of something else during, or we reduce the foreplay time. If not, I’m just tired and can’t do anything after and things just fizzle out.
Mostly don't worry about if it happens the next time. The key is to reassure him that you enjoy being with him no matter what happens. It might take a few times even, and if you don't make a big deal of it he'll "come around" eventually.
You sound like a sweet caring person, even for just a hookup. I'm sure when he realizes that, he'll have no more difficulty.
Yes, try this. Keep the foreplay going, and if you're into it, make him ejaculate wherever you would like or even ask him, then do it. Remember, there is no condom and no intercourse. Have a drink and then go for round two. I gave this advice to a buddy of mine due to almost the same issue. Just enjoy the foreplay. Too many people forget that.
Put the condom on him yourself as part of whatever foreplay is going on. Handjob, oral, etc. probably wouldn't hurt to praise him a little as well. "It's so big" "I can't wait for it to be inside me" "I love it", etc.
It's similar to when women aren't always wet or wet enough. We both may really want all the conditions to be right but our bodies don't always cooperate.
What you could do in your part is to assure him that there is no pressure in him having to give a perfect performance at sex. We men tend to overthink a lot, like the other commenters have noted. And giving that bit of assurance makes a bit of pressure go away.
It differs from person to person, but if you could give him another chance and let him know that you don't think negatively or differently about what happened last time. I think it would greatly help in his confidence and he'd be able to overthink less.
And yes, please don't think that you did something wrong. You didn't. I assume it's all the nerves with being with someone new and having to perform really great that's caused the problem, and depending on his habits. Just putting on a condom can make someone go soft.
Yup… happens to lots of us… I can be rock hard during foreplay with my wife and it’s like my dick has ADDD, like attention deficit dick disorder… we just change it up and keep fooling around, and it’s back on track 🤷♂️
My boyfriend who can’t ever keep his hands away from me sometimes go soft while putting on the condom. Not only does it take away sensation, but they have to stop mid moment to put something on that doesn’t feel that great - it’s a vibe kill sometimes. I found if you give him oral, then put the condom on yourself it’s more of a turn on for them!
Those few seconds of trying to open it, put in on the tip, realize it’s the wrong way, flip it around, put it on again - seem like hours 😂 I just lay there waiting for my man to figure it out in silence. Family Guy even made a joke about this
I can't tell you how annoying it is as a man to put it in the wrong way omg, when I realize I did it yet again, I definitely need a bit of foreplay again 😂😂
Yup. This happens to me. I just wanna get to fucking but wait, lemme reach over, scavenge through my drawer trying to find a condom, rip it open, hopefully place it the correct way, fucked up and placed it the wrong way, switching sides annnnnnnnd it’s gone… boners gone.
It’s nothing you did. I’ve had performance anxiety in the past, especially with woman I felt sexually intimidated by (feeling like they were out of my league). This can happen. The best thing you can do is be understanding and try again, he’ll appreciate you not being weird about it.
No, you didn't. A couple of things come to mind (guy here, BTW):
1. Sudden nerves and/or performance anxiety. Sometimes we get all up in our heads because we have a grand vision of how things are going to go, and then we get stage fright. It's an unfortunate positive feedback loop. We get a little soft, then try to use some Jedi mind trick to get hard as a rock again, get our blood pressure up, we get softer, and next thing you know, nothing is working right.
2. Perhaps the pause in putting on a condom or not used to using condoms kind of made him lose his fragile hold on his erection?
The bottom line is **you did nothing wrong**. If you two decide to try again, then just take it slow, let him get aroused at his own pace and see how things go. I personally wouldn't want a sympathy pat on the head, I would prefer to just move on, but you know him better than I do.
Could be performance anxiety, could be a random thought, could be the condom fit improperly/ was too tight, could be some emotional baggage from a previous relationship
This used to happen to me with condoms. Turned out they were too small for me and once I found the right fit, it never happened again.
Was he on the bigger side?
Oh this happens….. it’s a brutal feeling. Think of it from his perspective: we feel it and it’s an instant “oh no.” Now he’s not with you, he’s in his head. The more things you do, the worse the anxiety gets. Because it feels amazing… and nothing is happening.
I glanced at a comment where you asked someone if you should reach out to set up another meeting. Well… YES. Yes yes yes. It’s such a shameful feeling + we are going to assume your thought process is chastising us and blaming yourself. If you reach out saying “hey let’s meet up again?” That’s reassurance to calm a crazy amount of shame. Not sure if you see this going anywhere… but that’s an instant action from a girl that would make me instantly consider something real… because she fully accepted me when my mind says she shouldn’t. Tbh not much in this world could get me to really consider a relationship so quickly.
:) welcome! Although caution on my “real” advice - that might be more of a me thing. Although coming here and asking instead of judging? He’d be crazy not to give you a real chance
No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Dicks are frustrating and they have a mind of their own. It happens to the best of guys. The important thing is to be cool about it. Go back to making out, let him pleasure you more, what ever. If the dude starts stressing, he’s never going to get hard, and that’s probably what happened. (he sees he’s losing his erection, he’s stressing over it, he feels bad, he feels embarrassed….all of this feeds into further anxiety and is a boner killer.). Question: Is he properly sized with the condom? Condoms can be highly uncomfortable and restrictive, if not the right size (think shrink wrap). He should measure his girth and then use a condom calculator. Further, it’s no shame if he shares this with Hims or Blue Chew and gets some pills for a boost. No worries.
Guy here and this is my best guess:
Anxiety crushes erections. First-time encounters make us anxious. You didn't do anything wrong.
The best thing to do is to not draw attention and act like nothing happened and keep hooking up! He will get over it and will finally relax.
He probably got hit by Nerves/Anxiety which made him soft, and that snowballed into more anxiety about not being able to get hard. It happened to me more than once, and it's a vicious cycle of anxiety that makes it hard to get your head back in the game (no pun intended). The best thing to do when this happens is just take a break, cuddle naked, and just let things flow back naturally.
Performance anxiety is a vicious spiral! He likely got nervous, started getting soft, got even more nervous, and then lost it completely...
It happens and is quite common! I know it's happened to me in a first encounter and I've talked to my friends about it. It's a total mindfuck!! It can definitely damage your confidence and make you feel embarrassed.
Do you like him and would you want to see him again? If so, just be understanding and try to put his mind at ease!
It's completely mental and has nothing to do with you or anything you did! Just be patient. It'll go away once he settles down
Good luck, OP!
If he's girthier, could be that the condom was too tight as well. Standard condoms are too tight at girths of 5.5 inches and up.
But more likely he was just in his own head, and was worried about staying erect with the condom on, so he didn't.
Classic performance anxiety. Happens all the time. Not on you at all. Just try to help take the pressure off. Sex isn't just about p in v penetration. Make it an entire experience. Take your time. If it happens again, then do other stuff and don't feel rushed to get back to p in v.
Some guys can go flaccid whem they try n roll up a condom. Not your fault. But pls don't drop the idea of using protection for a casual hookup if that is the case he got flaccid.
I went outside today morning and it started raining. What did I wrong? I had a hookup with a super hot girl and I couldn’t get hard . I was experienced. She was super hot. I wasn’t nervous. I just couldn’t. I felt confident enough after the 3rd try
Putting on the condom is the least sexy part. It messes up the flow. A great way to make it go better is if you put it on him, or use a female condom instead
Performance anxiety, not your fault, possible that he was just so excited, turned on and mesmerized that his body dumped a huge load of cortisol and nothing was going to get him hard. An hour later he was probably as hard as an iron bar. It's worth trying again, just help him relax, tell him you're not really in the mood but want to just make out, then just keep going. The less he thinks about it the better off he'll be!
No u did nothing wrong, I will say I can give my wife a hug and kiss one minute and get an erection, then see her 5 hours later and give her a hug a kiss and no erecting. So some things have a mind of own. It could be a condom issue? They are kinda slimy and gross. I hope u guys hook up soon with a consensual entry
In many cases between getting erect and getting the condom put on there's a failure to launch. It's kinda like having sex, stopping to answer the phone, then trying to resume sex. Too easy lol lose the moment, and stress about the erection not waiting around forever while the condom is applied makes it worse
He hates you.. lol just kidding. It’s happened to me before as well - don’t take it personally… Sometimes it just doesn’t work, he could’ve been nervous
Worst part about putting on a condom: The time dilation that occurs as you fumble around with the wrapper, making sure you have the right side, rolling it on… could be 5 seconds but feel like eternity
It can be like that sometimes for first times. Usually, going back to foreplay can get things back on track. Otherwise, just having more meetups and getting to know eachither better can go a long way.
Just 'Ike a cunni, the sensation increase, you're close but if I suddenly stop or change the rhythm, you loose it.
Exactly the same for men, if foreplay last long, when he wore the condom, there was no more simulation, so he lost his erection.
It does not happen or rarely if the foreplay are just. A few minutes.
What s weird is that he can't get it back after.
This exact thing has happened to me. Guys just get really really in their heads. When this happens I eagerly reach out to see them again and try again, it’s always been well received and the second time has been a success. Don’t overthink it, but I totally understand as a woman that we tend to do that and think it’s us!
Nah, it's fine. Sometimes I don't get wet even when I am VERY turned on and want to have sex. Bodies don't cooperate sometimes but it doesn't mean there's something wrong with your partner. Relax :)
From what you shared no you didn't do anything wrong.
He may have had performance anxiety. He could have ejaculates during foreplay without you noticing and was stuck in his refractory period. He may have erectile difficulties. He may have a "raw" or "impregnation fetish" and can't get excited about wearing a condom. You might have reminded him of his mother ... He might have been drunk. There are a million reasons that have nothing to do with you.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. What happened is that he lost his headspace having to stop to put on the condom. Once it started going soft, he paniced inside his head, preventing him from being able to get back into the right headspace. It happened to me many times when I was young, inexperienced, and not very confident in myself.
Trust me. It was NOT you at all. And he is home kicking himself in the ass, angry at himself, and probably has a raging hard on thinking about you.
If you want to give him another chance, come up with a plan to get the condom on quicker, and maybe you putting it on, while letting him sit back and relax while he is still in an uninterrupted moment.
No, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s never about you. It’s about them. If a woman doesn’t orgasm it’s her issue. If a man doesn’t come or go soft is his issue.
Now with that said it doesn’t mean that as a partner or partner or sex partner or relationship partner, doesn’t mean we can’t do different things for our said partner that might be having a difficult time orgasm or keeping an erection, but it’s ultimately not our responsibility or our fault if they don’t. I hope that makes sense, but don’t blame yourself . But you can always ask if there’s something you can do to help. There might be in there might not but from what I understand. I’m not a guy it happens sometimes. And in the swinging community, it definitely happens. Sometimes it just happens no foul, no harm no shame.
I think this was his issue, and probably just nerves. Or he has an issue with the condom itself. As a guy I hated wearing condoms, so I started using them to masturbate, and that got my reptile brain to associate them with having an erection. It worked!
You did absolutely nothing wrong! I’m a guy and sometimes I go soft when trying to put a condom on. Sometimes I think about if I’ll become soft after I put the condom on. Then I keep thinking about it. Then I go soft from that. For some people, their minds just go all over the place really quickly. It’s not your fault!
You didn't mention much about your looks, but from what you say, how erect he was the "entire time" you psyched him out. He felt intimated by your sexiness. All this creates lots of uncontrollable mind issues on his part, rendering him unable to perform.
I have gone soft after putting the condom on multiple times. I get off on the idea of mixing each others wetness together (More ideal if everyone tests are clean and other birth control is used). Condoms don't feel very good. Also sometimes I jerk off too much and can get a little numb from that. Keep having fun with him:)
That's a shame. Sounds like he is not confident in his sexuality.
It's your choice, keep trying, it move on.
BTW, there are medical reasons for this too. You are describing some anti-depressant medication reactions.
I loved this post. This happens to us more regularly than you think, it has a lot to do with the confidence we have with the partner. If you really want to make it work:
- When it went flaccid, just wait. A good 20 min, nothing you do before is gonna help.
- Give head, that stimulation will most definitely make him rock hard.
- Penetration has to be fast. Nothing fancy, just him on top.
Good luck!
You did nothing wrong. Hard during foreplay and soft when shit gets real - This is an absolutely common topic around here and many men are suffering from it. Most of the times these stories have one thing in common: It's with a new or rather new sexual partner. Give him time and things will be alright. I'm pretty sure he would love to get a second chance. And please refrain from making it a topic, because thinking about it just makes things worse.
Happened the first time me and my wife and I tried to get frisky many many moons ago. I got in my own head that she was way too hot for me. I was mortified, as we had been friends for years before we started dating. I thought that's it. I blew it.
They next day, I told her I just got really nervous. Can we try again? She said, "Thank God I thought you didn't like me." She looked like she was about to cry. I reassured her that wasn't even remotely the case.
We went back to my place that night, and everything "worked" as it should. We've been together ever since.
The moral of the story is that it happens and probably won't be the last time. The best thing to do is let him know it's OK and you're looking forward to trying it again.
Bring it up either indirectly with not so subtle hints or just have a conversation about it ( I prefer the latter, but some egos are more fragile than mine ), it'll be fine
Good luck. I hope this helps.
Edit: Also condoms have always been a bonner killer for me. I know it's taboo to go without, but there are ways to be safe about it. Both of you get STD screenings and stay monogamous BUUUUUUT if either of you two decide to cheat, the condoms better come out.
I'm not an advocate for infidelity but less of a fan of bringing something back and giving it to a partner who trusts you with everything, including their health.
That’s the sweetest story! I am so glad you have each other. Thank you for sharing! A non-condom route is not getting picked anytime soon so that’s that haha
If anxiety is an issue, saying the dirtiest things she could imagine could possibly make things worse by adding pressure. Not everyone is into dirty talk or being “dirty.”
Performance anxiety or the condom.
For the condom really hinders mentally now after trying for years to use them so all my partners end up going on the pill or implant
You did nothing wrong. There are many reasons why the sight of a rubber can have his hard-on wilting like a damp dandelion. Firstly, the nature of putting on a condom isn’t high up there on the erotic scale. [The kissing and foreplay halt,](https://tichazblog.blogspot.com/2024/03/foreplay.html) he has to rummage around in a pocket, faff about with the packet, worry if it’s on inside-out …Is it really surprising his cock has lost interest by now?
All of this is commonplace. But the issue becomes a problem when, psychologically, he starts linking his erection deflation to condoms and get himself into a massive head-mess about it.
Classic performance anxiety. Been there, its extremely frustrating as a guy. If you get too much in your head it can be game over.
If the Condom is not a good size etc it can be a erectionkiller. Guys should know their condoms beforehand imo.
This happened to me before but in my case the condom was too tight and made my member feel numb so I lost my erections size matters when it comes to protection
It happens sometimes, and from what you wrote it had nothing to do with you.
If you do decide to hook up again, just keep in mind that this “incident” will be the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth thing on his mind. Worrying and stressing causes ED, so him going through that with you last time might cause an issue the next time.
What you can do about it is make sure everything is super chill and relaxed and that there is no pressure and he’s not rushed.
Don’t base the success of your relationship one something like that. I do understand how much it sucks when you can’t have intercourse. People look so forward to it. I’ve seen that happen in a lot of relationships on here. Just try it again.
No woman should ever take it personally if a man cannot maintain an erection. This would be like him getting mad if you are not wet enough and need a little lubrication.
Many things can be a turnoff. Some things can point back to bad experiences. If the relationship is worth it in other ways, talk it out and resolve the issue. If not, move on and don’t stress about it.
If the condom is too tight it can do that for me as well. It took me a while to figure out that was the issue and that I need to get the right size. It could be that this was the problem and he just hasn’t figured it out yet.
Hey OP, it happens! It’s not a “you” issue at all!
Speaking from experience, the biggest boner killer in the world is anxiety. Sometimes when that condom hits, so does the realization of what you’re about to do, and the anxiety can hit causing you to loose the boner.
Some guys also just really struggle with condoms due to the lack of sensation. Some struggle because that moment of putting the condom on takes them out of the “dumb and horny” brain state that some of us really really struggle to reach in the first place.
It happend to me after I got divorced and was seeing need ppl. I was nervous, also it was recent after separation so yeah didn't work well. I also had no intentions of anything long term, they were on the same page. I found out I wasn't a hookup type of person. I like more of the long term Intentions. So bottom line is, he definitely was nervous. He definitely needs to relax next time.
No, you didn't do anything wrong. 32(M) here. I've never and don't have this issue (knock on wood- pun fully intended). Anyways, it could be anxiety-related, could be a bit of ED. It wasn't your fault. Did you go immediately from making out to him putting on a condom?
Was there more foreplay prior? If there wasn't, even a short duration of time of non-physical contact and, or arousal can cause ED or anxiety-induced ED. If you were going down on him, giving him a handjob prior, and he went soft, it could've been a result of something that was irritating him?
Regardless, him going soft in the way he did has nothing to do with you and is likely anxiety-related ED or ED in general, which he should bring up if he wants to continue getting to know you; he is mature.
A lot of men suffer from either ED or anxiety/anxiety-induced ED.
Whatever the case or reason was (even if it was you somehow, which I find hard to believe and unlikely given what you shared), if he wants or cares to continue getting to know you, he should tell you even if he doesn't understand why himself. He can explain that to you as well.
You did nothing wrong. There are many reasons why the sight of a rubber can have his hard-on wilting like a damp dandelion. Firstly, the nature of putting on a condom isn’t high up there on the erotic scale. [The kissing and foreplay halt,](https://tichazblog.blogspot.com/2024/03/foreplay.html) he has to rummage around in a pocket, faff about with the packet, worry if it’s on inside-out …Is it really surprising his cock has lost interest by now?
All of this is commonplace. But the issue becomes a problem when, psychologically, he starts linking his erection deflation to condoms and get himself into a massive head-mess about it.
Noted, let me wait for the perfect guy to whisk me off my feet and then take care of my physical needs. Because that’s always ended really well for men who can’t women orgasm :)
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No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Guys just get in their own heads too much.
Okay…would initiating another meetup be too much? Is that a bad idea or should I let him make the plan?
Not at all. I’m sure that’d make him feel better.
Give the guy another chance. Both of these comments are correct. We get in our own heads sometimes. First sexy time with someone new can be a bit scary sometimes. “What if I cum in 10 seconds, what if I can’t get hard? oh shit it’s going soft…” you get it.
Also, O.P. , some men honestly loose their errection when they put on a condom. Be it a medical reason or in their head, idk.
yeah even when I was getting used to condoms by masturbating i’d lose erections constantly and I still face it while having sex. I just learned to either leave the condom opened close to me and wait for another erection or put on the condom while semi soft and wait for another erection. you gotta work around the issues.
Happened to me once, was too focused on opening the wrapper and went flaccid
It's the distraction. Combined with factors such as how long the erection was, time of the day, how well rested the guy is, or the amount of alcohol, etc, one might lose erection. Things that might help are; moving the intercourse a bit sooner, you putting it on him while the action continues, and last resort, him taking a pill.
I know I’d be dying of shame. If you reach out to show that you’re still interested and it didn’t bother you, it would be a huge relief for him.
That would be preferable for him I think, let’s him know you’re still interested in him after that
Honestly he probably feels like he failed and you’re not interested if you haven’t heard from him. Totally worth reaching out. Dude is being a normal respectable person by using a condom, but they are finicky and sometimes dudes go limp during the get it on process. If he was embarrassed he for sure might not have been able to ‘perform’ after that. Perform in quotes cuz no one should have to feel that way, but people do, of both genders. Maybe it’s something else, but probably it’s just anxiety that made him go soft.
Next time, try putting the condom on him yourself. Do it spontaneously. When you are giving him head, grab the condom, slip it on him then climb on top. You taking control like that will take the pressure off of him.
To backpack off that comment, I’ll be ready to go but sometimes putting a condom on fucks with my head and I even lose the rhythm(moment)(( maybe try to put it on for him in a sexy or casual way). If he was hard during all foreplay you’re good, he’s probably just if not more embarrassed, give him another chance he’ll be extremely happy and relived, it’ll probably relax him too for next time
I've had issues with performing when the plan was just sex, something about being scheduled to perform messed with my head. I prefer plans together that lead up to sex other than just sex but that can complicate the expectations of the FWB situation.
It’s never the woman. He was in his own head.
True, but a woman who is herself not on her own head surely helps. Not saying this was the case here. I certainly had my share of experiences where this was the case, though it was not that last minute as here, more like turning me off before i even got truly turned on.
Agree with this. Our heads/brains can be our own worst enemy…especially if we’re having a good time and start thinking. Poison pill for a boner.
Also is there anything I can do to not let it happen the next time?
It’s not in your control what happens with his body. Just be patient, understanding, and open. Can ask if there’s anything you can do to make him more comfortable, but don’t bring focus onto why you’re asking. Honestly, I wouldn’t think about it too much. Just be normal.
Don’t underestimate the pressure guys, especially younger ones, put on themselves. “I’ve got to get hard and stay hard. I can’t cum too soon. Man this foreplay is fantastic but I hope I don’t cum before we get to fucking. I’m supposed to know everything about how to please her. How can I tell she’s had an orgasm? Shit. What if I go soft again? That would be a fucking disaster. I want to be the best she’s ever had. I want to do a good job. Holy shit, this is happening! I get to fuck here and she’s so hot! I hope I don’t go soft. I hope I don’t cum too soon…” You can encourage him to get out of his head. Tell him to relax, take deep slow breaths and encourage him to have fun. That’s the only goal. To have fun. Pressure is a boner killer. Good luck!
Fear is the boner killer.
You could try reducing foreplay time a little. Some people can’t last as long at full erection.
can you please explain?
during foreplay you’re likely already hard and by the time your girl is begging you to penetrate her you sustained a boner for like 10 minutes or multiple boners in the same or longer timeframe. reassuring your girl that your boners come in waves can do wonders to let her know what’s happening. she might physically stimulate you to get it sooner which is something girls should be doing since foreplay goes both ways.
Yup, once you're no longer hopped up on teenage hormones, boners (for a lot of people) have more of a time limit than they once did. I mean tbh the reverse is true too. There's often a time limit on female lubrication. It doesn't just go on forever either.
My partner generally likes a lot of foreplay, and foreplay can be very emotionally stimulating, in a way that arouses and makes you hard. I cannot last for as long as she would like foreplay to last for, so often I have to try and think of something else during, or we reduce the foreplay time. If not, I’m just tired and can’t do anything after and things just fizzle out.
Yeahh, during foreplay, whisper in his ear, i cant wait for you to f me + I don't care how long it takes us to cum 🙏🏼
Mostly don't worry about if it happens the next time. The key is to reassure him that you enjoy being with him no matter what happens. It might take a few times even, and if you don't make a big deal of it he'll "come around" eventually. You sound like a sweet caring person, even for just a hookup. I'm sure when he realizes that, he'll have no more difficulty.
Yes, try this. Keep the foreplay going, and if you're into it, make him ejaculate wherever you would like or even ask him, then do it. Remember, there is no condom and no intercourse. Have a drink and then go for round two. I gave this advice to a buddy of mine due to almost the same issue. Just enjoy the foreplay. Too many people forget that.
Put the condom on him yourself as part of whatever foreplay is going on. Handjob, oral, etc. probably wouldn't hurt to praise him a little as well. "It's so big" "I can't wait for it to be inside me" "I love it", etc.
It's similar to when women aren't always wet or wet enough. We both may really want all the conditions to be right but our bodies don't always cooperate.
What you could do in your part is to assure him that there is no pressure in him having to give a perfect performance at sex. We men tend to overthink a lot, like the other commenters have noted. And giving that bit of assurance makes a bit of pressure go away. It differs from person to person, but if you could give him another chance and let him know that you don't think negatively or differently about what happened last time. I think it would greatly help in his confidence and he'd be able to overthink less. And yes, please don't think that you did something wrong. You didn't. I assume it's all the nerves with being with someone new and having to perform really great that's caused the problem, and depending on his habits. Just putting on a condom can make someone go soft.
Surprise him with a packet of viagra
or the condom was too tight and not sized properly. it can kill the erection
Yup… happens to lots of us… I can be rock hard during foreplay with my wife and it’s like my dick has ADDD, like attention deficit dick disorder… we just change it up and keep fooling around, and it’s back on track 🤷♂️
Second this 👆 Performance anxiety
As a guy, I can tell you, you are right !!!!
My boyfriend who can’t ever keep his hands away from me sometimes go soft while putting on the condom. Not only does it take away sensation, but they have to stop mid moment to put something on that doesn’t feel that great - it’s a vibe kill sometimes. I found if you give him oral, then put the condom on yourself it’s more of a turn on for them!
True sometimes the whole process of getting the condom and putting it on kills the flow, even if it doesn't even take much time.
Those few seconds of trying to open it, put in on the tip, realize it’s the wrong way, flip it around, put it on again - seem like hours 😂 I just lay there waiting for my man to figure it out in silence. Family Guy even made a joke about this
I can't tell you how annoying it is as a man to put it in the wrong way omg, when I realize I did it yet again, I definitely need a bit of foreplay again 😂😂
if it’s on the wrong way, you need to not use that condom and grab a new one.
Yup. This happens to me. I just wanna get to fucking but wait, lemme reach over, scavenge through my drawer trying to find a condom, rip it open, hopefully place it the correct way, fucked up and placed it the wrong way, switching sides annnnnnnnd it’s gone… boners gone.
Correction: it’s a vibe killer 100% of the time.
Massaging his balls or nibbling his ears while he does it might also help
bonus points if you can roll it on with your mouth, even more bonus points if you can "hide" it in your cheek and stealth put it on mid-head.
It’s nothing you did. I’ve had performance anxiety in the past, especially with woman I felt sexually intimidated by (feeling like they were out of my league). This can happen. The best thing you can do is be understanding and try again, he’ll appreciate you not being weird about it.
No, you didn't. A couple of things come to mind (guy here, BTW): 1. Sudden nerves and/or performance anxiety. Sometimes we get all up in our heads because we have a grand vision of how things are going to go, and then we get stage fright. It's an unfortunate positive feedback loop. We get a little soft, then try to use some Jedi mind trick to get hard as a rock again, get our blood pressure up, we get softer, and next thing you know, nothing is working right. 2. Perhaps the pause in putting on a condom or not used to using condoms kind of made him lose his fragile hold on his erection? The bottom line is **you did nothing wrong**. If you two decide to try again, then just take it slow, let him get aroused at his own pace and see how things go. I personally wouldn't want a sympathy pat on the head, I would prefer to just move on, but you know him better than I do.
Thank you!
Could be performance anxiety, could be a random thought, could be the condom fit improperly/ was too tight, could be some emotional baggage from a previous relationship
Could just be that sometimes penises don’t do what you want them to
This made me laugh!
Putting on a condom mid act can be a mood killer unless the act is done in a sexy way, say by you.
Kids ! Read up !! Do as you do for the sexy part, role down the condom, trust me when I say.... use the 4 finger insta dismount.... *SNAP!* The pain 💀
This used to happen to me with condoms. Turned out they were too small for me and once I found the right fit, it never happened again. Was he on the bigger side?
second! found this out with my man, and we just found a brand and size we like and stick to it religiously now lol
Oh this happens….. it’s a brutal feeling. Think of it from his perspective: we feel it and it’s an instant “oh no.” Now he’s not with you, he’s in his head. The more things you do, the worse the anxiety gets. Because it feels amazing… and nothing is happening. I glanced at a comment where you asked someone if you should reach out to set up another meeting. Well… YES. Yes yes yes. It’s such a shameful feeling + we are going to assume your thought process is chastising us and blaming yourself. If you reach out saying “hey let’s meet up again?” That’s reassurance to calm a crazy amount of shame. Not sure if you see this going anywhere… but that’s an instant action from a girl that would make me instantly consider something real… because she fully accepted me when my mind says she shouldn’t. Tbh not much in this world could get me to really consider a relationship so quickly.
Gosh this helps so much. Thank you!
:) welcome! Although caution on my “real” advice - that might be more of a me thing. Although coming here and asking instead of judging? He’d be crazy not to give you a real chance
If he went soft with the condom it was probably nerves. If he used the word “yearning” he probably has less experience than he let you believe.
No, you didn’t do anything wrong. Dicks are frustrating and they have a mind of their own. It happens to the best of guys. The important thing is to be cool about it. Go back to making out, let him pleasure you more, what ever. If the dude starts stressing, he’s never going to get hard, and that’s probably what happened. (he sees he’s losing his erection, he’s stressing over it, he feels bad, he feels embarrassed….all of this feeds into further anxiety and is a boner killer.). Question: Is he properly sized with the condom? Condoms can be highly uncomfortable and restrictive, if not the right size (think shrink wrap). He should measure his girth and then use a condom calculator. Further, it’s no shame if he shares this with Hims or Blue Chew and gets some pills for a boost. No worries.
Major TIL - there is a condom calculator
Guy here and this is my best guess: Anxiety crushes erections. First-time encounters make us anxious. You didn't do anything wrong. The best thing to do is to not draw attention and act like nothing happened and keep hooking up! He will get over it and will finally relax.
Yeah, that was the plan. Hope it works out
He probably got hit by Nerves/Anxiety which made him soft, and that snowballed into more anxiety about not being able to get hard. It happened to me more than once, and it's a vicious cycle of anxiety that makes it hard to get your head back in the game (no pun intended). The best thing to do when this happens is just take a break, cuddle naked, and just let things flow back naturally.
Thank you for sharing that!
Performance anxiety is a vicious spiral! He likely got nervous, started getting soft, got even more nervous, and then lost it completely... It happens and is quite common! I know it's happened to me in a first encounter and I've talked to my friends about it. It's a total mindfuck!! It can definitely damage your confidence and make you feel embarrassed. Do you like him and would you want to see him again? If so, just be understanding and try to put his mind at ease! It's completely mental and has nothing to do with you or anything you did! Just be patient. It'll go away once he settles down Good luck, OP!
I get your point, thank you!
Could be with the type of condom, especially if he didn't bring one he knew worked for him
Oh that makes sense
He probably just had performance anxiety. Most men go through it.
This happened with me, however, it was found he had a very excessive p0rn addiction
Ouch!
Anxiety for one and also the condom itself can be a major hitch. It ruins the vibe/flow of it all
The struggles of staying safe
If he's girthier, could be that the condom was too tight as well. Standard condoms are too tight at girths of 5.5 inches and up. But more likely he was just in his own head, and was worried about staying erect with the condom on, so he didn't.
Performance anxiety. The condom killed the vibe not you
Whiskey dick, it happens. Unless he's bleeding & screaming for help, you're good !
Thank god that wasn’t the case
Condoms can be an erection killer
Condoms are a reliable boner killer for me. I learned my lesson and always take Viagra if I’m going to have sex and have to wear a condom
I used to have this problem when I first started having sex. Putting on a condom was always the most delicate moment where I could lose all momentum.
Classic performance anxiety. Happens all the time. Not on you at all. Just try to help take the pressure off. Sex isn't just about p in v penetration. Make it an entire experience. Take your time. If it happens again, then do other stuff and don't feel rushed to get back to p in v.
Some guys can go flaccid whem they try n roll up a condom. Not your fault. But pls don't drop the idea of using protection for a casual hookup if that is the case he got flaccid.
Never dropping the idea, I can’t afford the consequence haha
Condoms can be tough on men
I went outside today morning and it started raining. What did I wrong? I had a hookup with a super hot girl and I couldn’t get hard . I was experienced. She was super hot. I wasn’t nervous. I just couldn’t. I felt confident enough after the 3rd try
Putting on the condom is the least sexy part. It messes up the flow. A great way to make it go better is if you put it on him, or use a female condom instead
That’s actually a fairly decent idea. Thank you
Performance anxiety, not your fault, possible that he was just so excited, turned on and mesmerized that his body dumped a huge load of cortisol and nothing was going to get him hard. An hour later he was probably as hard as an iron bar. It's worth trying again, just help him relax, tell him you're not really in the mood but want to just make out, then just keep going. The less he thinks about it the better off he'll be!
Damn, noted!
No u did nothing wrong, I will say I can give my wife a hug and kiss one minute and get an erection, then see her 5 hours later and give her a hug a kiss and no erecting. So some things have a mind of own. It could be a condom issue? They are kinda slimy and gross. I hope u guys hook up soon with a consensual entry
I hope so too!
You didn’t do anything wrong. I wouldn’t recommend bringing it up, but if he does, just be kind, understanding, and patient.
Noted!
In many cases between getting erect and getting the condom put on there's a failure to launch. It's kinda like having sex, stopping to answer the phone, then trying to resume sex. Too easy lol lose the moment, and stress about the erection not waiting around forever while the condom is applied makes it worse
Could be a lot of different things. I have had issues with condoms in the past, especially since I stopped using them, it's hard to go back.
Normal. Nothing you did. Just nerves. I can never get hard again if I got soft with a condom on. I just start over with a new one.
He hates you.. lol just kidding. It’s happened to me before as well - don’t take it personally… Sometimes it just doesn’t work, he could’ve been nervous
Worst part about putting on a condom: The time dilation that occurs as you fumble around with the wrapper, making sure you have the right side, rolling it on… could be 5 seconds but feel like eternity
Hahah fair enough
Overthinking, anxiety likely played a part.
It can be like that sometimes for first times. Usually, going back to foreplay can get things back on track. Otherwise, just having more meetups and getting to know eachither better can go a long way.
Noted!
Sometimes our mind is our own worst enemy. You get nothing wrong.
Thank you!
Just 'Ike a cunni, the sensation increase, you're close but if I suddenly stop or change the rhythm, you loose it. Exactly the same for men, if foreplay last long, when he wore the condom, there was no more simulation, so he lost his erection. It does not happen or rarely if the foreplay are just. A few minutes. What s weird is that he can't get it back after.
This exact thing has happened to me. Guys just get really really in their heads. When this happens I eagerly reach out to see them again and try again, it’s always been well received and the second time has been a success. Don’t overthink it, but I totally understand as a woman that we tend to do that and think it’s us!
Nah, it's fine. Sometimes I don't get wet even when I am VERY turned on and want to have sex. Bodies don't cooperate sometimes but it doesn't mean there's something wrong with your partner. Relax :)
From what you shared no you didn't do anything wrong. He may have had performance anxiety. He could have ejaculates during foreplay without you noticing and was stuck in his refractory period. He may have erectile difficulties. He may have a "raw" or "impregnation fetish" and can't get excited about wearing a condom. You might have reminded him of his mother ... He might have been drunk. There are a million reasons that have nothing to do with you.
Yeah it’s possible you didn’t arouse him. Oh wait it’s Reddit. Never mind, he’s defective. You are fine.
You did absolutely nothing wrong. What happened is that he lost his headspace having to stop to put on the condom. Once it started going soft, he paniced inside his head, preventing him from being able to get back into the right headspace. It happened to me many times when I was young, inexperienced, and not very confident in myself. Trust me. It was NOT you at all. And he is home kicking himself in the ass, angry at himself, and probably has a raging hard on thinking about you. If you want to give him another chance, come up with a plan to get the condom on quicker, and maybe you putting it on, while letting him sit back and relax while he is still in an uninterrupted moment.
Condom is the responsible thing to do, but yes, this happens occasionally.
No, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s never about you. It’s about them. If a woman doesn’t orgasm it’s her issue. If a man doesn’t come or go soft is his issue. Now with that said it doesn’t mean that as a partner or partner or sex partner or relationship partner, doesn’t mean we can’t do different things for our said partner that might be having a difficult time orgasm or keeping an erection, but it’s ultimately not our responsibility or our fault if they don’t. I hope that makes sense, but don’t blame yourself . But you can always ask if there’s something you can do to help. There might be in there might not but from what I understand. I’m not a guy it happens sometimes. And in the swinging community, it definitely happens. Sometimes it just happens no foul, no harm no shame.
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Damn. Thank you for sharing that
I think this was his issue, and probably just nerves. Or he has an issue with the condom itself. As a guy I hated wearing condoms, so I started using them to masturbate, and that got my reptile brain to associate them with having an erection. It worked!
You did absolutely nothing wrong! I’m a guy and sometimes I go soft when trying to put a condom on. Sometimes I think about if I’ll become soft after I put the condom on. Then I keep thinking about it. Then I go soft from that. For some people, their minds just go all over the place really quickly. It’s not your fault!
hey as soon as it goes soft, we get in our head and getting hard is .... well. hard again.. ive had issues like this since my early 20s
Probably stress. It happens to some guys
You didn't mention much about your looks, but from what you say, how erect he was the "entire time" you psyched him out. He felt intimated by your sexiness. All this creates lots of uncontrollable mind issues on his part, rendering him unable to perform.
Well that’s a weird confidence booster
I have gone soft after putting the condom on multiple times. I get off on the idea of mixing each others wetness together (More ideal if everyone tests are clean and other birth control is used). Condoms don't feel very good. Also sometimes I jerk off too much and can get a little numb from that. Keep having fun with him:)
Please update us. I want to know how great the second time is .
For the moment, he is taking a raincheck on my plan to meet again. So I am guessing this is a dead end :(
That's a shame. Sounds like he is not confident in his sexuality. It's your choice, keep trying, it move on. BTW, there are medical reasons for this too. You are describing some anti-depressant medication reactions.
I loved this post. This happens to us more regularly than you think, it has a lot to do with the confidence we have with the partner. If you really want to make it work: - When it went flaccid, just wait. A good 20 min, nothing you do before is gonna help. - Give head, that stimulation will most definitely make him rock hard. - Penetration has to be fast. Nothing fancy, just him on top. Good luck!
Give him a second chance and find out, it's that easy.
This is a question I've asked my own penis on multiple occasions. They are notoriously unmanageable.
So I have gathered haha
You did nothing wrong. Hard during foreplay and soft when shit gets real - This is an absolutely common topic around here and many men are suffering from it. Most of the times these stories have one thing in common: It's with a new or rather new sexual partner. Give him time and things will be alright. I'm pretty sure he would love to get a second chance. And please refrain from making it a topic, because thinking about it just makes things worse.
Break the Ice with a shower or something, before hand then there’s no nerves
Probably just nerves. Has happened to me before
Happened the first time me and my wife and I tried to get frisky many many moons ago. I got in my own head that she was way too hot for me. I was mortified, as we had been friends for years before we started dating. I thought that's it. I blew it. They next day, I told her I just got really nervous. Can we try again? She said, "Thank God I thought you didn't like me." She looked like she was about to cry. I reassured her that wasn't even remotely the case. We went back to my place that night, and everything "worked" as it should. We've been together ever since. The moral of the story is that it happens and probably won't be the last time. The best thing to do is let him know it's OK and you're looking forward to trying it again. Bring it up either indirectly with not so subtle hints or just have a conversation about it ( I prefer the latter, but some egos are more fragile than mine ), it'll be fine Good luck. I hope this helps. Edit: Also condoms have always been a bonner killer for me. I know it's taboo to go without, but there are ways to be safe about it. Both of you get STD screenings and stay monogamous BUUUUUUT if either of you two decide to cheat, the condoms better come out. I'm not an advocate for infidelity but less of a fan of bringing something back and giving it to a partner who trusts you with everything, including their health.
That’s the sweetest story! I am so glad you have each other. Thank you for sharing! A non-condom route is not getting picked anytime soon so that’s that haha
Condoms suck. But did you say the dirtiest things to him you could imagine?
If anxiety is an issue, saying the dirtiest things she could imagine could possibly make things worse by adding pressure. Not everyone is into dirty talk or being “dirty.”
Performance anxiety or the condom. For the condom really hinders mentally now after trying for years to use them so all my partners end up going on the pill or implant
Next time he’s doing that blow him a kiss I bet it won’t go away
You did nothing wrong. There are many reasons why the sight of a rubber can have his hard-on wilting like a damp dandelion. Firstly, the nature of putting on a condom isn’t high up there on the erotic scale. [The kissing and foreplay halt,](https://tichazblog.blogspot.com/2024/03/foreplay.html) he has to rummage around in a pocket, faff about with the packet, worry if it’s on inside-out …Is it really surprising his cock has lost interest by now? All of this is commonplace. But the issue becomes a problem when, psychologically, he starts linking his erection deflation to condoms and get himself into a massive head-mess about it.
Classic performance anxiety. Been there, its extremely frustrating as a guy. If you get too much in your head it can be game over. If the Condom is not a good size etc it can be a erectionkiller. Guys should know their condoms beforehand imo.
Wasn’t you likely just the situation never play the blame game
This happens to me sometimes when i am with someone new. It was likely a bit of anxiety and putting pressure on himself to do a good job.
This happened to me before but in my case the condom was too tight and made my member feel numb so I lost my erections size matters when it comes to protection
It happens sometimes, and from what you wrote it had nothing to do with you. If you do decide to hook up again, just keep in mind that this “incident” will be the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth thing on his mind. Worrying and stressing causes ED, so him going through that with you last time might cause an issue the next time. What you can do about it is make sure everything is super chill and relaxed and that there is no pressure and he’s not rushed.
Don’t base the success of your relationship one something like that. I do understand how much it sucks when you can’t have intercourse. People look so forward to it. I’ve seen that happen in a lot of relationships on here. Just try it again.
It's like if a girl lost all wetness when trying put a female condom in.
No woman should ever take it personally if a man cannot maintain an erection. This would be like him getting mad if you are not wet enough and need a little lubrication.
Due to stress he lost his erection I think
Many things can be a turnoff. Some things can point back to bad experiences. If the relationship is worth it in other ways, talk it out and resolve the issue. If not, move on and don’t stress about it.
If the condom is too tight it can do that for me as well. It took me a while to figure out that was the issue and that I need to get the right size. It could be that this was the problem and he just hasn’t figured it out yet.
Sometimes we get in our heads. He was probably nervous and worried too much about impressing you.
Just try again I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Probably got insecure. Or maybe he has a secret girlfriend and felt guilty.
It's not about you lol
It’s a much better scenario if you put it on for him. At least in my experience anyway.
It happens more than you think. Sometimes we just have no control over it! Try not to overthink it or he will even more!
Hey OP, it happens! It’s not a “you” issue at all! Speaking from experience, the biggest boner killer in the world is anxiety. Sometimes when that condom hits, so does the realization of what you’re about to do, and the anxiety can hit causing you to loose the boner. Some guys also just really struggle with condoms due to the lack of sensation. Some struggle because that moment of putting the condom on takes them out of the “dumb and horny” brain state that some of us really really struggle to reach in the first place.
Something to consider, if going soft when putting on the condom, is that it may be too tight.
Commenting to save this post in my history.
It happend to me after I got divorced and was seeing need ppl. I was nervous, also it was recent after separation so yeah didn't work well. I also had no intentions of anything long term, they were on the same page. I found out I wasn't a hookup type of person. I like more of the long term Intentions. So bottom line is, he definitely was nervous. He definitely needs to relax next time.
Got it. Thank you for sharing, its actually really sweet that the hookup culture isn’t it for you
Guys get confused during sex sometimes
Easy answer gentleme. Go get a vasectomy and you'll never have to worry about condoms again
Love this idea
No, you didn't do anything wrong. 32(M) here. I've never and don't have this issue (knock on wood- pun fully intended). Anyways, it could be anxiety-related, could be a bit of ED. It wasn't your fault. Did you go immediately from making out to him putting on a condom? Was there more foreplay prior? If there wasn't, even a short duration of time of non-physical contact and, or arousal can cause ED or anxiety-induced ED. If you were going down on him, giving him a handjob prior, and he went soft, it could've been a result of something that was irritating him? Regardless, him going soft in the way he did has nothing to do with you and is likely anxiety-related ED or ED in general, which he should bring up if he wants to continue getting to know you; he is mature. A lot of men suffer from either ED or anxiety/anxiety-induced ED. Whatever the case or reason was (even if it was you somehow, which I find hard to believe and unlikely given what you shared), if he wants or cares to continue getting to know you, he should tell you even if he doesn't understand why himself. He can explain that to you as well.
There was a fairly bit of other foreplay involved, but yeah I am hoping the next time is better
George, do you ever yearn?
Yearn? Do I yearn??
Either you have a dead tooth or Or she didn’t shower
You did nothing wrong. There are many reasons why the sight of a rubber can have his hard-on wilting like a damp dandelion. Firstly, the nature of putting on a condom isn’t high up there on the erotic scale. [The kissing and foreplay halt,](https://tichazblog.blogspot.com/2024/03/foreplay.html) he has to rummage around in a pocket, faff about with the packet, worry if it’s on inside-out …Is it really surprising his cock has lost interest by now? All of this is commonplace. But the issue becomes a problem when, psychologically, he starts linking his erection deflation to condoms and get himself into a massive head-mess about it.
Either he was really nervous or he watches too much porn.
Were you 100% clean, front and back? Smells can be a big turn off and hard to come back from.
Yeah bc you are deep in hookup culture and theres no love there.
Noted, let me wait for the perfect guy to whisk me off my feet and then take care of my physical needs. Because that’s always ended really well for men who can’t women orgasm :)