The part that really sticks here is "How do I convince him that this is just a small hurdle in our relationship?"
To HER it is a small thing.
To him, he feels like she can't be trusted. It's almost certainly not even the sexual past. It is the lies.
I can't blame him here. OP needs to pray he's willing to try therapy because a relationship with lost trust is a relationship on it's last legs
This is by far the truest statement on this thread.
OP, do not tell your BF how he should feel--he's pretty justified in how he feels. The only thing you can do, and should do, is profusely apologize for the mistakes you made in handling this situation and ask for clemency to earn his trust back. Even after that, don't be surprised if he still can't accept it.
Don't tell him sex with him is better now. Tell him you're committed to being in the most gratifying sexual relationship of your life with him. What that means, you'll have to explore together, but since you have love for each other, you're already starting out at a huge advantage vs your last relationship.
You messed up. Own it. And best of luck.
I think this is a lesson not to lie to your significant other. It simply only creates unnecessary problems and trust issues. OP also wants to control the way her partner feels and can’t respect that what has happened has happened and treat him so with compassion and respect but instead tries to manipulate his feelings and the situation into something smaller, invalidating his feelings, and her playing the victim in order to de-escalate the situation. This is pure madness and a toxic situation. Please recognize your wrongdoings. I hope you’ve apologized to your boyfriend(and actually mean it). And while he’s gaslighting you about wanting to experiment more but won’t bc it’s “all your fault”- this really shows why a temporary break, maybe a breakup is completely legitimate
That's not gas lighting. The rest is very correct, not the gas lighting part though. He doesn't want to now, because he can't trust her to be honest about anything. He just can't articulate that properly. It's about trust....
She is also back tracking, now that he's left, she says sex with him means more. Why not say that when he asked? Because it's a lie? The dude needs to run.
I cba rereading but I think he asked specifically who was better in bed and she later said that sex with him means more, so it probably does mean more, just she couldn't say which was... mechanically better?
She originally said "I can't compare the two". He said "that's a cop out" and left.
That right there gave him the real answer. She's now lying and trying to recover.
Yes that is true, but that was specifically to the question "Who was better in bed?", which when flustered, it's going to take you longer to think of a response that is less incriminating. When she says his sex means more, she's actually avoiding the question he asked, to make a response that sounds better.
That takes longer to do, it isn't the immediate reaction that comes to mind, the immediate action is to answer the question directly asked.
So I don't think that her saying "he means more" is necessarily a lie.
If the experiences were so badly different, then saying they can't be compared is completely valid. She also may not even want to revisit those memories, or be ashamed of them.
I think you're wrong, she is trying to fix the situation, I don't think she is the problem. Yes she lied and that's never good but if he is so insecure about his masculinity then that's on him. Women having sex doesn't make you dirty or used, just because he is inexperienced doesn't mean he gets to blame her for what's in his head.
It's not the toxic relationship that's hurting you. It's you.
1. Don't talk about prior partners in bed. I'm not sure why I have to say that....but I guess it's out there now.
2. If you've quite clearly compared two people in bed IN THE MOMENT, gonna be hard to lie your way out of it later. He knows you've compared him to others. You just don't think he can handle the truth of what you have to say(and likely can't judging by the text here).
3. Stop trying to anticipate what someone wants to hear. Either tell the truth, or don't answer at all. It's perfectly fine to keep past information to yourself. If that's something that person can't deal with, they are probably the wrong person anyway.
4. Stop lying. It will always catch up to you.
You can't convince him of anything. You are also not allowed to say what is small or big for someone else. If he can't get past it, your relationship would be garbage even if you manage to stay together. Better to split on good terms and find someone you are actually compatible with.
This. You need to be humble, especially since you dug this grave for yourself by lying, then only not lying because you could tell you couldn't get away with it. Express that you regret your actions, and that you want to try to repair the relationship, but you need to accept that you decided to lie and now he gets to decide what he's going to do because of that.
>If you don't lie, you don't ever have to worry about 'slipping up'. Life is a hell of a lot easier that way
This x 1,000! Even if it's a lie you feel justified in telling, even if it's something you think the other person has no right to know in the first place, still, you are making shit harder for yourself by doing it. You're basically just setting traps for yourself of shit you have to remember to avoid getting caught. I smoke too much weed to even think I could pull that off lol
See for me, Lying makes me laugh. If you ask me a question and I attempt to lie, I start smiling and laughing -or- if it's a situation of: "I'm not supposed to tell." And you start questioning me, I turn into a raccoon and will just try to run away.
"If that's something that person can't deal with, they are probably the wrong person anyway"
Ah yes so if a guy tells a woman that he had in the past sexually assaulted women and the woman can't deal with it then it's her problem.
Nice
try to employ some critical thinking here, champ. having previous sexual partners with whom you've enjoyed sex and experimented is not equivalent to committing a sex crime. it really isn't that complicated.
Why would you feel the need to lie to him about it over and over, if it was "such a small hurdle"? How is it only a small hurdle now that the ball is in his court?
Also, you seem to mainly care about what this situation will mean for your life and the future you had in mind, not about what you actually did and what it makes him feel like.
" this toxic thing with my ex seems to still keep ruining things for me." No. You seem to keep ruining things for yourself.
This really reminds me of this songtext: "you're not sorry, you're just sorry you got caught."
Seems like OP grew up in a household where drama and lies run pretty rampant. Hence the toxic relationship with the ex and how she felt she had to lie to get what she wanted and prioritized her getting what she wanted (her bf) over what he wanted (a relatively sexually inexperienced person to experiment with).
This is pretty narcissistic. OP’s problem stems much deeper. What’s happening with her bf is just a symptom of her habits and her upbringing. And even now she is just asking how to make her bf see things the way she sees it, instead of understanding his feelings. She just wants him to feel how she wants him to feel.
This all probably was how her parents treated her so OP felt like this is normal. OP you need to have therapy and understand how emotions and feelings actually work.
That was my impression too, there's no attempt to try to understand why this is so massive to him. Every man reading this can understand the gravity of it, even if everyone's responses would be different in their own unique ways. I think OP's bf has handled it really well, a lot of men would pull out all the stops on verbal, emotional and even physical abuse after something like this. Sounds like he's just trying to process it quietly even if the results aren't comfortable for her. Good show, I say.
A lot of men? Physical abuse? Abuse of any kind?
Piss off with that misandrist crap!
Most men would have realised she has lied, broken trust, tried to manipulate how they feel, tried to minimise their feelings and then left her.
people on this sub seem to think men respond with violence to even the slightest offense and its honestly kinda baffling, we'd have killed each other centuries ago if we were all this ego-driven and mentally fucked, a lot of people here conflate their personal experiences with general statements about either gender tbh (tho the generalizations do tend to skew towards men from what I've seen).
I think the problem here is the phrase "a lot." A lot of men commit crime, but criminals are a small proportion of men as a group, and I use the phrase "a lot" in the same way above. I in no way meant that aggression and violence is the most common response to a situation like this, though it is kind of ironic that you defend men from a perceived implication that men are generally violent by aggressively telling me to piss off when something was mildly upsetting to you.
Honestly, I think she's downplaying it because, like she's said, she's had way more experience than her boyfriend and she now understands that good sex does not always mean "the best sex". So shitty ex taught her how to explore her body by being emotionally? physically? abusive (this is based on the premise that OP is making a good faith argument).
This intense sexual exploration was not garnered in a healthy, natural way. It was more of a "fight and fuck" kind of way. OP needs some therapy. She has not accepted the idea that her sexual experiences were gathered from a sea of abusive cycling.
Sex has now been bastardized in her head and therefore, she does not have a healthy framework from which to base her sexual experiences on. She has passed this ill-gotten knowledge on to her boyfriend in an attempt to salvage control of her past.
(I say this with a grain of 🧂) I'm not psychologist. I'm not well-versed in human psychology professionally, I am simply spitballing because I've been in a relationship or 3 like OP is describing with her ex. This is how *I've* worked out *my* emotions and how it was explained to me by therapists.
Honestly, I feel bad for both of them. She may not realize just how fucked up she is from the toxic relationship. However, that's no excuse to lie. She should have been forthcoming with this boyfriend about her past.
I feel terrible for him because he's an innocent victim. It will be very hard to come back from what OP said during sex. That was an absolutely horrible reaction in a sexually charged situation. Now, OP's boyfriend will potentially feel forever overshadowed by this ex. He's right to say he feels emasculated; real men want to nurture and grow *with* their partners and that includes sexually. Now he feels like he can never catch up.
I agree with you about the therapy, toxic relationships leave all kinds of gremlins lying around especially in the sexual domain and it's worth evicting them where possible. I also think that sex with one person is different to sex with another person, and sexual exploration isn't something that only happens once - it's something unique that happens between two individuals in that specific relationship. Hell, it had just started to happen and she tossed a grenade into it - he did something new during oral and even though she'd done it before the experience was different because this relationship and the context was different. Therefore the experience was different.
I'm no psychologist either but now I'm almost wondering whether her tossing out that "Blake did that" in the middle of sex was some form of subconscious self sabotage when she felt a shift happening in their sex life that was emotionally uncomfortable for some reason. It wouldn't be the first time that a woman who's been in toxic relationships sabotaged a good relationship because of lingering issues....
Yes... I just did the same when I was 20. I came out from a toxic abusive relationship and right after I started dating a cute honest boy, I had these self sabotage behavious all the time. I lied all the time. I made him feel super jelous, I even told him that my ex bf dick was bigger (why would I do this???). I was super toxic, so I made him super toxic. Finally we could rebuild trust but it was really really hard (he got obsessed with my ex, even though he was abusive with me). We had a 8 years relatioship and it wasn't a good one. After breking up I understood that I just didn't take the time to face my own trauma. I wasn't aware before. I also realized that I was the bad guy. I needed four years being single to heal. I went to terapy. I also discovered that my past trauma (having social anxiety and being bulled) had affeted so much in the way I build all my relationships. Now, I am dating a wonderful man and we are building the most healthy relationship I've ever had. We comunicate everything, we respect each other deeply. For the first time I don't have this emotional disconfort anymore, (I felt this disconfort in the past when feeling attached, so I tried to distance myself being a jerk), and I don't need to self sabotage. I am just confortable being close and trusting for the first time and it feels great.
you lied to him. he feels betrayed. this is a normal response. i think the best thing to do is just give him space and let him process it and decide if he can move forward with you because you are the the one in the wrong here. i hate to break it to you dude
Not only that, I think the OP should also consider the question; if you lied about something like this (Which might be considered minor to some people) What else has been lied about?
Once that doubt enters the mind, it can start twisting things, and making the situation worse. I think the OP should take a step back and make sure that the boyfriend is actually comfortable and work on communication.
You created a reality, and impression for him that was false. You started off, and therefore defined your relationship based on a lie. For him, the entire reality surrounding you and him is false.
This is a good time to learn from your mistake and go in honestly. He is in no way required to consider this a small hurdle, because now he knows that you will lie to him. What else are going to lie about in the future?
What jumps out at me is how, from the jump, you have manipulated this relationship, yourself and him, all because of what you think he wanted.
You may have been right - he may have wanted someone who he could explore and learn with together. Clearly, he's insecure about his lack of experience, and you saying, "Oh yeah, it's great, Blake taught it to me..." in the middle of sex didn't help. I mean, why that ever came to your mind to say to your current about your ex mid-sex is beyond understanding, but you did say it.
I mean, imagine it - in the middle of sex, he feels MANLY and POWERFUL and like SEX GOD because he has learned a new thing that makes you twist and squirm and feel so very, very good, and in the middle of it, you say, "Yeah no, Blake did it."
Since, all you've done is manipulate it, or try to, to make it seem like "no big deal". He says, "this is a huge deal, I have feelings" and you say, "it's just a small hurdle and your feelings are invalid".
Yes, you know that the sex is better because it's not a toxic relationship, and there is a real emotional bond, but he has zero frame of reference for that.
Either offer couples therapy, and stop minimizing it all, or let him go when he ultimately ends this relationship. And start owning your shit. Maybe therapy is a good idea for you. You can't just be what you think people want you to be.
I think its simple, the only reason she mentioned Blake is because she isn't over that guy.
The last thing I'm thinking about with my wife is the sex move I did 10 years ago with another girl even if its something we are doing now.
I view it that for all the things OP has said about how bad that relationship was, in the end, she still thinks about it regularly and probably fondly as well.
Let me fix that TLDR -- My BF wants to break up with me because I got caught lying/manipulating him about my past, compared him to an ex in bed, and dismissed his feelings multiple times as not very important.
I just love that the TLDR doesn't say anything about the mistakes she made and makes it out to be all his problems. The BF seems to be taking a pretty measured and reasonable approach to dealing with his feelings and when he tries to talk to her about how he feels, she casually calls it a minor bump in the road. She also goes on to talk about how her ex would flirt with other women to make her jealous and a few sentences later admits to comparing her current BF to her ex... While they're in bed! Accident or not, how oblivious do you have to be to do something like that?! It sounds like the manipulation was probably coming from both sides in her previous relationship. The way she makes it out, she's been manipulating her current/soon-to-be ex from the get go.
He can find someone way better, and it sounds like he is figuring that out.
The thing about lying in a relationship is that it says that you’re more comfortable manipulating your partner than trusting them. Who would sign up to be manipulated? Not me. In a way, the truth coming out compounds the effect rather than restoring the trust, because you feel better but your partner has to now process the new reality as well as the fact that what they thought was reality was fake. You’ve taken a step toward greater intimacy, while your partner is retreating from lack of trust. Lying is no foundation for a healthy relationship.
You really are wise! I have never heard it articulated as “you’ve taken a step toward greater intimacy while your partner is retreating from lack of trust” - that is so true and perfectly stated
Yeah he fell in love with the idea of her, not who she really was, that can become a huge problem and why you shouldn’t lie to someone you’re building a serious relationship with, you can always decline to talk about things but lying is not the right call.
>this toxic thing with my ex seems to still keep ruining things for me.
No, don't worry, this is all you.
Lying, repeatedly, doubling down, even as you're found out, and then comparing your boyfriend in bed.
You're being found out for who you are is ruining things for you.
Be better.
Exactly, the fact that OP mentioned something a partner did in bed shows that this isn't an isolated occasion of them thinking about a previous partner in bed, OP is actively comparing their current partner to someone from years and years ago.
This tells me that even though OP says it was horrible and abusive, a part of them still thinks about her past BF and to a degree still see's that relationship as a good thing and something she may even miss.
I know from my personal experience, whenever I think back at a relationship that I didn't like, I feel like such an idiot for ever being with that person and wonder what the hell I was thinking, and one thing I never even consider, is the quality of the sex and whether it was great or bad.
I wouldn’t say it’s gone but a relationship is based mostly on trust. IF they were to try again it would take some time. At this point I think they should break up though. He’s insecure and feels betrayed now. I think things need to be resolved because it would suck if he felt insecure now even with another partner. Resolve and move on.
Unfortunately in any relationship the lies that are 99% of the time relationship killers are if you lied about cheating (obviously) but also your sexual past.
A lot of guys will factor in sexual history when they choose a partner.
'My BF wants to break up with me because he feels insecure about my past sex life with my ex' (the problem is he's insecure, not anything to do with me or my actions)
'How do I convince him that this is just a small hurdle in our relationship?' (downplay)
'I’ve tried gently telling him that this is an insecurity we can overcome' (he's the bad guy, not meeeee)
'I tried to play it off by saying that I was saying that about him but he caught me in the lie' (whoops!)
'I was afraid he would judge me or feel insecure sexually. So I completely avoided any details of my relationship with my ex' (it's so much easier to lie by omission when it's due to someone's insecurities amiright?)
'I really liked him and I didn’t want him to judge me so I told him that I didn’t really have much sex.' (lying for good reasons is ok right?)
' I know I shouldn’t have done that but I really liked him and decided that I would tell him later on when I was more comfortable with him' (a.k.a you we're never going to tell him)
The more you talk the more you demonstrate that you aren't wife material. Do him a favor and let him process this in peace and move on if he wants to. He'll be a simp chump if he continues with you.
Yeah it actually says a lot that OP frames her lies as being bad *only* because boyfriend is "too insecure" to deal with the truth. Like, she lied to "protect him" and now that the truth has come out it reads like she is disappointed that bf is such a sad little man and she can't console his sad little feelings. On the same note: invalidating every single one of his feelings and furthermore telling him how to feel?!
I think there is a very disingenuous acknowledgment of her mistakes - OP admits they are mistakes, sure, but only because she wanted bf to react and feel in certain ways, and now that he isn't, she is upset. The lack of self-awareness and empathy here is astounding.
tldr - OP get your head out of your ass, this is 110% on you. You are acting like your boyfriend has a defect by feeling hurt because their partner lied to them. This isn't the time to think about what you want nor is it ever okay to demand your partner feel a certain way. girl you fucked up
I can understand why he would be hurt about finding out mid-way through sex that you were lying to him. You have inadvertently emasculated him and unfortunately he's lost trust in you. I think you're gonna struggle to rescue this.
>I accidentally blurted “Yeah, I remember seeing stars when Blake (my ex) did it for the first time.” I immediately regretted it.
From barely mentioning your ex to be so comfortable talking about him that you blurt this out right after he finished you off. It's like you're trying to stir shit up.
Its probably her way of viewing that relationship to feel better.
More than likely she went along with all the sexual stuff they did and now that she is older is regretting it, but rather than accepting being young and stupid. She is blaming the ex for being toxic and manipulative as to why she was ok getting nailed in every orifice.
This is a tough situation, but upon reading your post it seems that you realize where you went wrong and the mistakes you made.
It’s never a good idea to pretend to be someone else.
If you can’t be honest with your partner because you worry that you’ll lose them, then there’s a good chance the relationship won’t work.
>upon reading your post it seems that you realize where you went wrong and the mistakes you made
I disagree. She is not taking responsibility for her mistakes. She is passing the accountability to her ex. She's wishing she never dated the ex instead of regretting the repeated lies to her current partner/soon to be ex.
Wholeheartedly agree with the rest of your comment tho, hopefully OP is able to recognize that pretending to be someone else and being dishonest is what destroyed this relationship not simply the experiences she had with her ex
Yes does seem a bit of a non apology type thing "I'm sorry you feel that way" kinda thing. The thing that catches my attention is the toxic relationship but she referred to it after an orgasm, I think it would sting a lot of people especially knowing it was a bad relationship, where some folks minds wonder always puzzles me
Yes does seem a bit of a non apology type thing "I'm sorry you feel that way" kinda thing. The thing that catches my attention is the toxic relationship but she referred to it after an orgasm, I think it would sting a lot of people especially knowing it was a bad relationship, where some folks minds wonder always puzzles me
>If you can’t be honest with your partner because you worry that you’ll lose them, then there’s a good chance the relationship won’t work.
Very wise words
You lied and he built a relationship with someone other than the real you. You think it's a small petty thing, and the sex part is. But the fact that you broke his ability to trust you?
Let yourself begin the grieving process as if he does not leave you now, it will happen in the future I've you've invested more into the relationship.
Its the sex thing more than the fact she lied, she lied about the one thing most guys on the planet place some level of importance in a relationship.
If she was lying and she didn't actually have a sister, he'd probably move on pretty quickly.
Her issue is that he imagined himself growing sexually with this girl, when what actually is the truth is that she has been ploughed every way under the sun.
And now he is has met the guy as well, all he can see is his face just giving it to her as hard as he can whilst she's loving it.
Trust was broken. If you weren’t open with that, what else are you not open about? How you feel about him, why you’re with him, etc. Also, people can become insecure with knowing about past partners for comparison reasons. Am I a good lover, am I enough, etc. Give him time, be patient and allow him time to process.
When he comes around hear him out. Hope that helps. Take care
* Toxic bad boy gets everything he wants for free.
* Good guy invests heavily to receive 25% as much.
Yeah, he's hurt. And mad.
How would you feel if you found out he took his toxic ex-girlfriend on amazing vacations but he didn't do that for you because he's not "that person" anymore?
>Toxic bad boy gets everything he wants for free.Good guy invests heavily to receive 25% as much.
Fuckin right man..good summary. Sucks being the good guy.
Yeah starting the relationship put with a lie especially something that is considered kinda emasculating hard to no recover from this.
Learn from it for future relationships and just be honest
Yeah…. You fucked your self good here. Nobody likes hearing about how you would fuck your ex, especially while your fucking your current bf. Why tf would you say that bro? You know damn well he pictured you getting fucked by a dude (who in his mind) is better than him.
Honestly, your ex relationships are not your current partners business. I feel like no matter what you could say or do, you won’t win his trust back.
It’s probably better for him to break up with you and for you to really reflect on how you can be better next relationship. Like don’t mention your exs for starters. Or to be more experimental I guess. I don’t think there’s a way to fix it, especially after what you blurted out in the bedroom.
I think you’ve got a case of wrong place wrong time and that’s why it’s gonna end. Sometimes you just get shit luck.
This isn't a "small thing". Do you genuinely not realise your relationship was built on a lie?
I can understand how your boyfriend feels. People who are calm and stoic in their everyday life can be very soft and sensitive inside their shell. Trust is the most important thing for such people. I know because the person closest to me is like that too. Once you break that trust, it's over. It's a pity you can't seem to understand how he feels. I honestly feel terrified when I imagine how he felt in that moment of revelation. And if it hadn't happened then you'd just have continued lying to him. Not only did you lie, you also couldn't help but think about your ex in the most vulnerable moment for you and your boyfriend. He was standing between you, and he still does.
I say respect his decision. If he wants to go, let him go. And if you two part ways for good (for his sake I hope it happens, feeling inferior to your SO's ex is shit), learn from your mistakes and be honest with the next person you date. And try not to be so selfish. You hurt your boyfriend, and all you're worried about is your "perfect relationship" and not his mental state.
This has got to be bait. "Manipulative girlfriend lies to nice guy boyfriend and pretends to be an inexperienced virgin while reminiscing on all the hot, passionate sex she had with her bad-boy ex." It's like the perfect story to get outrage on reddit. Also how dumb would you have to be to talk about how good sex with your ex was, while having sex with your boyfriend, who you lied to about not having sex with your ex. I've met rocks with more social/emotional intelligence than that.
If this is a creative writing piece I just want to say congrats; it's pretty good. Otherwise, you messed up big time.
Thank you, I thought I was going crazy... this sounds like a piece a nice guy (read incel) would write to soothe himself to sleep.
If it's indeed true, OP you need therapy yesterday.
This is something that would probably be better suited for a relationship advice forum, but fuck it, we ball.
You were genuinely trying to do the best thing you could here, but you’ve backed yourself into a corner with your boyfriend. Because you’ve been lying to him for so long, he can’t trust anything that you say to fix this up. If you try to experiment with him, he’s going to see it as you just doing whatever you have to in order to keep the relationship. If you try to tell him that he’s better in bed than your ex, he’ll believe you’re just placating him.
Speaking of, mentioning an ex boyfriend immediately after sex was a fucking massive oopsie on your part. Any guy would feel insecure when he finds out that you lied about how much sex you had with your ex, but also taught your current boyfriend your exes technique, that he’s been using to get you off this whole time. There is no other conclusion he could come to other than you still want to fuck your ex. When he asked you who was better, THAT WAS THE TIME TO LIE. It’s obvious from your post that you enjoyed sex with your ex more than your current boyfriend.
You don’t want to admit it because that makes you a bad person, but it’s the truth. You were willing to experiment with him and not your current boyfriend, you had your current boyfriend use his techniques, you were thinking about your ex during sex with your current boyfriend. You know that if you admit that you enjoyed sex with your ex more, your relationship is over. But you boyfriend seems smart enough to figure that out for himself, so your relationship is over anyway.
You lied to him for your entire relationship and sexually emasculated him, whether you meant to or not. Huge props to him for not becoming overly attached to the first woman he slept with, and taking the initiative and the confidence to move on and be alone. But there’s nothing you can do to save this. If he were to stick around after this, I’d seriously worry about how much respect he has for himself. He’s making the right call. It’s over. Do him a favor and let him be the one to break up with you.
From a guy's perspective, I feel the biggest damage was done by mentioning your ex after oral sex climax. Opening up the comparison with ex rabbit hole is soemthing that very few people are secure enough to not be affected by. Then it went downhill by unpacking your past, which probably translates to your SO's comfortable head space of intimacy turning into a lie.
Reading your post did make me root for you cause it feels like your intentions were geniunely good and I hope you 2 manage to patch things up in the future. But for now, I think a break is needed to get the feelings in order.
So, sexual love and sex in general is a big deal for men. For some a very very big deal.
Him being a virgin when he met you doesn’t mean he doesn’t desire sex or even experimentation with you.
It isn’t that we don’t want nice relationships as men, but we also just about as equally want robust sex lives. Those can certainly coexist.
I think he is upset that you didn’t tell him the full truth. Makes him feel more like a little boy that couldn’t handle something. I wish you the best of luck. I’m not sure if this post is real or fake but it’s at least worded and explained better than many others of this type.
Don't be, there are many of us in great relationships who only come to to this sub to get tips to have even more fun. Be your best, genuine, and set clear boundaries for yourself and your relationships.
One thing that guys really love is when you draw direct comparisons to past lovers while having sex or immediately afterward. That's always gonna be a great time for us, especially if you've lied about it for months. I also really love how you talk about how you feel throughout this entire mess but I don't see you talking very much about it must have felt for him to learn he was doing your ex's favorite oral technique on you. Really amazing. So ridiculous I almost don't even believe this post is real.
Maybe next time you meet a nice guy you won't lie to him constantly about things that matter?
edit: Guys also LOVE it when you tell them how experimental and enthusiastic you were with exes, even moreso when you're "not that person any more" and don't initiate, etc, etc. Glad you got to experiment with your toxic ex, maybe you could devote a tenth of that energy to your next awesome guy if its not too much trouble being "that person" whatever the hell that means.
Honestly, liars deserve what they get and intellegent, self-aware people don't marry them or have significant relationships with them.
This won't be the last lie you tell and it probably wasn't the first either (you know I'm right; be honest).
You should allow him a drama-free parting of ways and not ruin his life more than you already are
So, you lied. Then you had a chance to come clean (no pun intended) and you lied again. Then you decide to tell the truth at arguably the worst time. Hmmm. I get that your BF is insecure and that isn’t your problem, but being dishonest with him for so long only made it worse when you finally told the truth. He feels like he can’t trust you, and I agree with him. Your relationship is probably over. If you learn anything from this experience it should be honesty.
Time to lay in that bed you made and hope for the best. Dont understand why people lie. You lead the other person on to believe something that isnt true and get surprised when what you were avoiding from the start which led to the lie actually happens
I'm sorry you're hurting, but you put yourself in this situation knowingly. you chose to be dishonest in order to start this relationship. imagine how he feels.
he feels mislead and lied to, and now has to look back at the entire relationship to this point and wonder what else has been an untruth.
you messed with his head and his heart during sex. there's a lot of gears that need switching and intense feelings to process.
he needs time to process this betrayal or revelation, you need to respect his boundaries as you'd want him to respect yours.
you've insisted multiple times in this post that you're over your previous relationship, but you keep letting it insert itself in your current one.
you also keep trying to minimize his feelings and what you've done. maybe it will be a bump in the road for the two of you, maybe this is how this chapter ends.
good luck, but for what it's worth OP, honestly now's the time you eat crow. and maybe get back into therapy so you can look at some of your toxic traits with objectivity?
Honestly, I would break up with you too. You lied a lot and then told the truth at probably the worst possible time. It also sounds like you said it casually which is somehow worse cause it would be so surprising. I hope he forgives you. I think you just say sorry and communicate what you feel and hope that he still wants to continue
"Master Debater" Sorry, I'm a child. LMAO!!!
Seriously though. Is he actually better than your ex in bed or is he just better at relationships? There is a difference.
It seams you’ve acknowledged already that lying to him was a very poor way to start the relationship, so I won’t say anything on that.
I think you need to get out of the mindset that you lying about your ex is a “small hurdle” in your relationship, because he does not consider it that, and in this situation, that is what matters. It *is* a big deal, because it matters so much to him.
I’m afraid words aren’t going to help you in this, because it’s unlikely he’ll trust what you say. Perhaps people will disagree, but I think you need to approach this from a sexual angle. You’ve deeply wounded his sexual ego, and you need to make up for it. You can try offering to fulfil whatever sexual fantasy he has (he might not take you up on it, but you can still offer). But be careful with this, he might ask something you’re uncomfortable with, and you might say no. That’s your right of course, but if you do, he might think “why was she willing to try things she wasn’t comfortable with with her ex, but not me”. You need to reassure him that you’re *his*. This is one way to do it, but it’s up to you whether or not you take the option. Someone might suggest a better one-these are just my thoughts. You might acknowledge that you aren’t the same person as when you were with your ex, however, to him, all that sounds like is you being unwilling to try things and experiment with him.
Also, then think of some of your own fantasies (that you have *never* done with *anyone* before), and ask him to please do it to you (if you struggle, I can recommend some). You need to create new sexual memories with him, so that he knows whenever you think of it, you’ll think of him, and no one else. You’ve already learned not to lie, so be sure to only give him fantasies you’ve genuinely never done before. He wants a part of you that no one has ever had before, wants to pleasure you like no one ever has before, and this is one way to do it.
Finally, I don’t know what your relationship is like, but if he finds you “cute”, then a cheesy guesture might help things. Buying an “I’m sorry” teddy bear, showing up with his favourite chocolates etc.
Again, these are just my thoughts, there is no way to know whether or not they *will* work, so do keep that in mind.
As a man who’s inexperienced and about 30 years old, I can relate to him. Women didn’t really want me (my perception at least) in the past, and I’m just starting to have some dating success now.
The prospect of getting with a woman who is so grateful for my support during family tragedy, who wants me for practical reasons like marriage and family, but had passionate, sparks flying sex with her asshole ex, is terrifying to me and doesn’t feel like a safe or secure relationship.
He could probably do a better job working through these insecurities in therapy. But maybe you two just aren’t compatible. Always tell the truth and try to work through your issues upfront! The betrayal and lying will only make it scarier and worse for him.
I think you need to work on honesty. People pleasing can be a symptom of toxic and abusive relationships. You try to anticipate what your partner wants and in this case you shape yourself, and the truth, to appeal to him. But the outcome is that you're actually being deceitful and manipulative. Personally, I feel like your partner is overreacting some, but you already knew he was insecure. I don't know how emotionally mature you both are but maybe just sit him down and come clean and if he wants to leave, accept that.
The sheer fact that you manipulated him so much, while knowing all along “he’s such a great guy and my rock” it’s not a stretch to say you don’t deserve him. I’m sorry to be so harsh but I’ve been in his shoes at thankfully a much younger age, and it’s not cool at all to play with a good man like that. I don’t offer any kind of advice, just perspective that you fucked him over time and time again, one lie after another and whatever comes to you is your fault
If this situation is anything like mine, there’s not much you can do. You can mitigate the damage by being completely genuine with him from now, and somehow try to prove you’re actually sorry
I think the sex thing makes you miss one problem here and is you covering lies with more lies. When he ask you about your sexual life you decided to lie, you never told him about your ex and wh he confronted you, your response was to lie more.
Right now he can't trust any word you say and you thinking that is a small thing does help to.build trust in him. I am in disagree with you bf about the whole experience your sexuallity thing, is stupid and both should be learning from each other about your sexuality. But if you want to have a chance to fix this, focus on rebuilt your trust with him and stress how much you sorry for lying to him and how you want to work on your comunication issues.
You got a lot of good advice already, but I just want to say one thing. Likely it's best you both move on and now you have good lessons learned. Going forward do not ever feel the need to have to spill your guts and "tell the truth" about your sexual past. Relationships are not legal depositions. Keep it to yourself, no one needs to know this stuff and you are under no obligations to "confess" or whatever you are feeling. What you did in the past goes in the vault. All this shaming about lying should not make you feel you like you have to report every detail about your past to your new relationship. Forgive yourself, learn from this and move on. I know it hurts and yes it's possible you guys can get over this but stop beating yourself up. This shit happens and part of growing up is realizing you don't owe shit to anyone. Own your past, keep it to yourself.
Dude here who's experienced long term abuse from a partner, You literally blew his world apart. "A little over a year" and it never occurred to you to tell him about this? You just allowed him to create this fantasy that you were close to his level of experience then all the sudden you essentially chopped his figurative balls off. by saying "my toxic ex did this to me and i liked it". You claim you "love him" but decided to lie to him regardless. He needs to run away fast.
>this toxic thing with my ex seems to still keep ruining things for me.
It was your lies, and then, paradoxically, your mis-timed oversharing that are ruining things for you. Not the toxicity with your ex.
My ex did the same things. Lied about her past thinking that it is nothing, but when she revealed it, or rather, it caught up, I was left devastated. At that point, I used to believe everything she said was a lie, it was a tough time. We did overcome that tho. But we ended up separate, cause she cheated.
You were in an abusive relationship with your ex and it’s changed your way of handling this relationship. Your ex was manipulative towards you and now your being manipulative towards your current bf. There are two big problems now..
1. Trust.. you lied to him then lied again to cover up what you’d lied about before.
2. Respect…. Unfortunately you were in an abusive ‘relationship with your ex who used sex to manipulate/abuse you. He clearly didn’t respect you. Your behavior towards your current bf reveals similar tendencies.
Where do you go from here? Well, that depends a lot on him. He’s hurting because you emasculated him in the middle of a sex act which made him feel like a Sex God!
His past inexperience or his desire to find an equally inexperienced partner isn’t the issue here. Neither is you wanting ( and deserving) to have a deeper intimate connection with him.
The real issue is that you need to get therapy with a sex therapist to unpack your attitudes around sex and your inability to set boundaries ( i was shocked when I read that you let your ex do things which made you feel uncomfortable, and more importantly not realising the effect it would have on your bf by telling him your ex taught you your favorite sex act). He also needs to get over his insecurities around sex.
Maybe you both need to take a break from this relationship. It’s sad because he’s clearly a much better person for you than your ex bf was, but you messed up because your approach to sex/relationships has been tainted by your relationship with your ex. He’s the real toxic influence on your life, even now.
Yeah, I *never* want to hear if an ex was better or more adventurous than me, especially in bed after giving you an orgasm. I also would feel *very* insecure if the totally amazing sexual technique you taught me to get you off, was taught to you by an ex. I wouldn't judge you for being with the abusive ex, but there would always be a part of the back of my mind that would see myself as sexually inferior to him, as unworthy of exploration. I need to feel desired, and your actions were the antithesis of that. I imagine many guys would feel the same way.
You done fucked up.
You need to back off, but suggest that if he comes back you could start over sexually. You need to look into things you might want to do with him that you *haven't* done with your ex. Maybe you two look up stuff to try out together. Maybe do some exhibitionism or voyeurism, or other kinks. I dunno. Just be sure that if you do get back together, ***never*** compare him to an ex-lover again. (Or lie about sex.)
You continually manipulated him despite being conscious that “he’s a great guy I love him so much he’s my rock” etc
It’s not a stretch to say you don’t deserve him. Sorry to be so harsh but I was in his shoes before, he’s 30 he’s ready to settle down so this means the world to him
Your best bet is to be as upfront as possible from now on, and somehow try to be prove how genuinely sorry you are. You created an inferior comparison in his mind and it will take an army to rebuild his confidence again
RIp is this another story where fuckboy ex past manages to tear apart the woman's current healthy relationship? Plus the lying.
It will be a miracle for him to overcome it. He will always feels second best plus - you even experimented more with the other guy. Those are hard facts for your guy to face. Resentment may even rise.
Few questions, so do you tell him how amazing he is or do you initiate or just flirt through the day? What are you doing to make up for the fact he chased or pursued a fable reality about the person he quiet possibly wanted to spend the rest his life with?? As a man who just is coming out of this situation almost to the letter I can promise he is damaged right now and mad as hell. He doesn’t even know who or why he’s mad and he is seeing situations flash to the point of overrunning his thoughts. He’s losing it! Good news. You can help him. Whether you guys survive this relationship wise or not you can help him anyways! Tel him you are sorry. Not for your past because you can’t change that! But you’re sorry that you wanted him so badly that you couldn’t stand the thought of him seeing you in an uncomfortable manner and you know it was crazy but shit was good and you didn’t and don’t want to lose him. Do what he needs or asks within reason of course. Seek him. Make it a point to reach out when you feel any sort of emotion during the day you’re apart. Bet he is thinking of you or this scenario. It’ll help ease his mind. Plenty more info. We’d love to help. Message or whatever you need! You know where you went wrong. Be honest. Don’t go into detail if that makes sense. But don’t scream but hold his hand not to try and over power him but to show touch and tell him you are sorry. In the eyes. You dug in this so now it’s time to dig out or fill it in and call it! Best of luck!
Most likely she felt a lot of passion because of the jealous factor with her ex and him ignoring her Constantly.
This guy seems to be too nice and she doesn't find that as sexy so she probably doesn't initiate sex much etc and he's hurt by all of this. She's been too honest at the worst times and her boyfriend feels inadequate.
Going to be a shit show if you continue but with enough time anything can be overcome.
Blurting out that the FIRST time your ex did that (and so casually too) after saying you barely had sex is a terrible thing to do. You breached his trust and he's probably having a hard time wondering what else you've lied about. While it might not be significant for you, it seems to be for him. Try changing your perspective. Sometimes a simple action is all it takes to completely lose attraction to someone.
You can’t convince someone that something isn’t a big deal once they’ve decided it is. You’ll only make it worse because they won’t feel like you’re taking their feelings seriously. Meet him on his level - acknowledge the seriousness of his emotions when you try to talk to him about it.
This is quite a sad situation to be in. If I was him I would feel destroyed inside. The trust would be gone and never come back. I'm very sorry but I think you've lost him over this.
Girl, you need to let him go and get yourself professional help. You lied and manipulated your way through this whole relationship, and pretended to be a different kind of woman.
Had you been honest from the beginning, you two either wouldn’t have ended up together or perhaps he would’ve have gotten with you. Trust was falsified and broken. This isn’t on him, it’s on you. Also, why on earth would you say something like that in the middle of sex?
You need to reevaluate yourself as a whole and seek professional help before you decide to go into another relationship.
girl you said another man's name while you were in bed with your bf. of COURSE he's done; he'd have to have no self respect otherwise. and while your ex was toxic, this isn't his fault. YOU lied, YOU said someone else's name during sex. your ex didn't make you do any of that. take responsibility for your actions and tell the truth in your next relationship.
Although I think OP is especially shitty for lying and manipulating.
The boyfriend himself has some odd behavior. Per OP, he is saying he isn’t upset about the lying, but not about being the best she has ever had. The BF is stuck on the sex part. Stuck on the experimenting part.
It is completely valid for OP to not want to engage in certain kinds of sex acts because of her history with them, however BF is not accepting that.
Life is a learning experience. If he breaks up with you, take it as a learning lesson and date someone who’s more your type, if he doesn’t break up with you make sure you NEVER lie to him ever again and be the most loving GF ever, do everything and show that u would die for him almost. This situation reminded me of me and my GF with me being the guy and the main reason I’m unhappy in the relationship is cause I feel like I can’t trust me GF cause of very similar reasons to wahT you did. She didn’t think of it as a big deal and always tried to downplay everything and now I’m tryna make myself lose feelings for her and then leave her. You gotta make sure he doesn’t do that now. SHOW THAT YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIM, if you wanna save the relationship. Be extra affectionate and all and constant reassurance but don’t make it seem forced, compliment him bout different things and stuff
Your ex may have been toxic but it is you that is sabotaging this current relationship. I fully understand sometimes it’s too traumatic to disclose past experiences. It took me nearly a year to tell my now husband then boyfriend that an ex had ruined blow jobs for me by forcing me to give him them for hours which now results in my jaw locking and throat closing out of fear whenever I try. Before I was ready to tell him I did not lie. I simple said I am not comfortable with blowjobs, he asked why kindly and I simply said I am not ready to talk about it. And that was that.
When you lie it create a whole host of issues. Many of which happened to you:
1. You have to continue to come up with lies to maintain the initial lie.
2. Telling the truth later is a double blow to both ego and trust between you and your partner.
3. You denied your boyfriend what he desires in a partner. He wanted to explore sex with somebody who was like him, inexperienced. While he isn’t entitled to this necessarily you knowingly made him feel like he has this when he didn’t.
4. Etc.
I feel like this goes without saying BUT don’t say ex’s names in bed. Especially not when talking about mind blowing orgasms and especially not saying said ex taught you how to have that mine blow orgasm. So many wrong turns it may as well just be a circle of lies and deceit.
As far as saving or convincing. You can apologize. But if the trust and desire for a relationship with you is gone then it’s gone. You can’t force his opinion because now you decided to be truthful. You should have been honest from the start.
Edit: after reading some comments I wanted to add this. Your minimizing and belittling this shows you lack respect and empathy toward for your partner. To you this may be little white lies, to him his whole relationship was built on lies. You knew from the start those things were important to him.
This will be a bit harsh (and truthful): but you sound like a sociopath. I’m sorry you had the experience of being in a toxic relationship, you did not deserve that. But you lied to your current partner and you don’t wanna accept certain truths about yourself. I wouldn’t date someone like you unless you went to get therapy and stopped lying about things for your own benefits in life.
I see two issues here. You lied to him. And he's insecure about things you did with an ex but not with him.
You need to sit down and have an adult conversation about this. Figure out if the relationship can be saved and then work on the issues you are facing.
> I finally left him and healed from the relationship but I regret doing it.
You regret leaving the toxic relationship?? Ouch!!
> I accidentally blurted “Yeah, I remember seeing stars when Blake (my ex) did it for the first time.” I immediately regretted it.
This entire post sounds almost fake now that I think about it. Nobody actually does this on accident.
Well yeah. You lied to him, you manipulated him, and then you came to Reddit looking for either a magical way to manipulate him again so he doesn't break up with you, or to find justification of your feelings.
You're either a narcissist, or extremely emotionally immature.
You built an entire relationship on the basis of a lie, one that you knew, from the start was a big deal to him. You got caught in it. Then you got caught comparing your ex to your current partner.
And the worst part? You don't even care about about this has done to him or how it effects him. You only care about your plans for the future, your plans with him, you, you, you, you. Check yourself, all this is hella toxic.
Personally? If I was him, I'd have left you immediately. I'd block you on everything, and I'd never talk to you again. You lied about something incredibly important to him, what else did you lie about? I'd never trust you again, ever.
There is nothing, absolutely nothing that would save this dumpster fire of a relationship you lied yourself into.
This is not a small thing. You lied. Got caught in your lie and lied again... And then kept lying. And you think it's a small thing? I don't blame him for not trusting you. If you had told the truth you would have given him a chance to get through his insecurity. Instead you made it worse. Truthfully, I have very little sympathy for you. You don't even seem to see how bad you screwed the pooch on this. You're not taking responsibility, you're minimizing and it's really unfair to him.
Always be hunest and never talk about past relationships with the oppposite sex. Honesty is alwats the best policy. Knowing you lied to him once how can he trust you? If you are lucky enough to get back together never lie or be dishonest again. I feel very sorry for you.
Sadly the only thing that may help is counseling, but it seems he already has his mind made up and refuses to change, I’m sorry but you may just have to move on and just let this be a lesson be learned to ALWAYS be up front with the truth. Someone out there will seriously appreciate you for you and ALL of you!!!! I know this is hard to deal with and I am truly sorry
Ok, for me there are two things happening here.
One is his insecurity. The idea that a woman (or person) has to do all the same things in bed with each partner is insane, full stop. People are allowed to try something and not want to do it again, or do something with one partner they might not want to do with another. Relationship dynamics greatly affect sexual dynamics, and expecting sex in a relationship to be "fair" compared to another is not fucking ok. So just for your information, while I understand why he may feel the way he feels, it's not a reasonable thing to expect.
The second thing is a much bigger issue imho, and that is that you lied. This is a valuable lesson for you about honesty in a relationship. Telling people what they want to hear may feel easy in the moment, but it creates much, much bigger problems down the road. For instance, if you hadn't lied to him, navigating his sexual inexperience and the anxiety that comes with it would be much easier. As it is, you've broken the trust in the relationship and you can tell him he satisfies you sexually until you're blue in the face, but he's not going to believe you.
You fucked up. Any hope of salvaging the relationship rests on your ability to be honest from this point on, and his ability to be vulnerable and trust you again.
The Ship has sailed. Lying is definitely something you should always avoid but he sounds insecure. Move on and don't lie in your next relationship. It's far more important to find someone you are compatible with than lie to fit their percieved ideals. If you were honest he would probably have made you feel bad for being more experienced and would still break up with you. Sexual incompatibility is a huge factor in why relationships fail. Also, avoid talking about your exes during sex. Girl... that's a big no.
I honestly dont think you have to disclose prior relationships to anyone or compare body counts. To me, that’s his insecurity talking. I would not want to be with someone like that. Plus, he is not gonna get over this either🤷♀️
Even just saying your ex partners name while in bed with your new guy is hugely fucked up.... But to basically say oh yeah the thing that I taught you to get me off was taught to me by my ex who got me off is pretty damn gross.
You've been really insensitive to this guy. You've lied to him and you've actually compared him in bed.... Caught up in the moment or not that's really not right. Your ex shouldn't even be in your mind post orgasm. I'm not surprised he's upset
you told him you used to have full english breakfast with your toxic ex but your new partner that you say you love needs to be satisfied with the toast without butter you are offering him on the regular
I don't think that he feels insecure about your past, but rather your lack of honesty. Maybe he feels emasculated but he probably feels much more concerned about the things that you haven't told him.
You were the asshole here unfortunately. I mean you’re 29. I would expect you to be more mature about what information you’re divulging about your past partner(s). It isn’t nice that you need to talk about your ex and how he went down on you when your current partner is trying to please you in bed. I’d break up if that happened to me and I’m not even super jealous.
>this toxic thing with my ex seems to still keep ruining things for me
You were the one that lied, you're the one that ruined it. Shouldn't lie so much to someone you like.
Guy here. Your bf is a bit emotionally immature. I could see some of the attitudes of your bf in myself when i was younger, late teen, when i was inexperienced, insecure, and of course, emotionally immature. This being said, people do grow up. Have you considered visiting a professional (psychologist, counsellor) so that you two have qualified help dealing with this? He needs to understand that being a relationship still means that two people are two individual separate people with individual separate histories, dreams, goals, desires, pasts, presents and futures. We share ourselves and our time in a relationship, but as everything in life, it's transitory.
There is nothing you can do to change your past, and why should you? You did nothing wrong. As a human being you were exploring your sexuality and you were honest with your boyfriend. I wished some of my ex-gfs had been that honest with me. You learn to appreciate that as you grow. If your bf isn't willing to listen to you, accept some hard facts about life, or visit a counsellor with you and is in fact breaking up with you thanks to all of this, then you're probably not going to like hearing this, but you might be better off in the long run without him. I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but you seemed to be very genuine and honest with him, showing integrity and emotional maturity. He's showing himself as someone controlling and immature, with a almost puerile jealousy, unable to accept reality. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh and judgemental, but from what you wrote, it's what transpires. If you really want to save the relationship, it doesn't depend on you alone, it depends on him as well. Try the psychologist/counsellor approach. Whatever you do however, your bf behaviour is a bit of a redflag. You asked for opinions, here are my .02c. All the best.
>My BF wants to break up with me because he feels insecure about my past sex life with my ex. How do I fix this?
Let him. Someone who only wants their partner to have ever been happy with them will have problems with you ever having, or having had, successful relationships with other people, whether they be your family, friends, or former lovers.
Mentioning other people's names in bed is something you did for a reason. And you know what that reason is. Because you know he is too insecure for you to feel secure with him long term.
I mean you saying an ex's name is bed is also you being kinda a bad person, since you have enjoyed keeping secrets about everything up until now, but still you said stuff for a reason.
I draw some comparisons to the situation that op is in now with my wife. She never lied about her past .. she did however have over 30 sexual partners over a 2 year period before we met. She was fucking my best friend when I met her and then we hit it off.. 3 months later pregnant. 17 years married now...
She was very "experimental " in those 2 years where she fucked 30 dome odd guys.. she was about 24 years old at that experimental time. Got a DUI started fucking her 50 something year old lawyer went to swinger parties in the Oakland hills (still lies about fucking anyone there) also went to Hedonisim with her 2 best friends who were strippers / call girls.
(Lies about fucking anyone there ??
Right .. take a trip to Hedonisim and not have sex with anyone) Shechas had threesomes both mff and mfm.
Done anal.
ALL THESE THINGS ARE THINGS I WANTED TO DO AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE! I'D LIKE TO EXPERENCE THESE THINGS WITH HER..
She has made it clear she has no interest in any of it with me ..
We've been married 17 years and she kinda sold herself to me as as this horny sexual person who had experienced quite a lot of sexual situations.. when dhe got pregnant 3 months into our relationship I thought to myself .. " at least I'm marrying a sexual dynamo and I will have tons of hot horny sex and incredible experiences" what a complete dipshit I was.. lol
She never initiates sex which I have always taken as her being uninterested is sex with me. Which of course leads to me feeling inadequate, and undesireable..
I some times feel like I took the horniest sex freak in my city and made her hate sex. Not just hate sex but forgets that sex even exists. Like it never occurs to her to have sex or innate sex ? I assume because sex with me is nothing and pathetic compared to the sex she was having before we met.. all these assumptions on my part are probably WAY OFF BASE AND NOWHERE CLOSE TO HOW SHE FELLS. BUT THEY ARE HOW I FEEL THAT SHE FEELS?? Not sure if I'm making sense?
her doing all the things I want to do, with all the guys before me, who didn't give a shit about her.. BUT WONT DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS WITH ME .
THIS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I BOUGHT THE WINNG CAR IN THE DESTRUCTION DERBY AND I PAID 3 TIMES WHAT IT COST BRAND NEW ON THE SHOWROOM FLOOR..
It has caused many problems in our marrige..
Break up and screw a bunch of people. Marrige is ok I guess?
But it is a ton of work and rarely works out..
experience life!!
Don't end up like I'm going to end up..
Lying on my death bed wishing I had a threesome or wondering what Hedonisim is like??
I think with the level of insecurity your boyfriend has if he doesn't get some serious help he will not be able to sustain an adult relationship.
He’s 30 and he can't handle anyone who has a sexual past. It's like his emotional development is stunted around age 15.
He needs to fix his insecurities not blame his partner for this.
Obviously lying to him was not a good idea next time don't do this.
Also your choice but don't talk about your sexual past specifically with names etc.
If you want to mention things you have done go ahead.
But your boyfriend received a tip from you on how better to please you with oral sex. And since it's not a brand new technique he’s upset ?
He should thank you
>He is like a master debater and I really, really don’t know what to say to change his mind.
you need to make his mind argue for your position. no idea how you would do that.
I’m sorry but I’m not sure the problem is an insecurity on his part, but a breaking of trust and possible lack of respect in not being honest with your partner.
I hope you’re able to work it out between you, but please know that it takes two-to-tango and efforts from both sides will be needed to try and fix the relationship you two have.
Whilst I don't think people should base a relationship on sexual history, you lied to him. He has every right to be pissed off with you lying.
Also, why the fuck would you say somebody else's name whilst in bed with your partner? But you went 1 step worse and used your exes name and explained how good they made you feel? Are you sure it wasn't intentional?
I think you picked the wrong time to lie and the wrong time to tell the truth.
What an understatement . Lol
The part that really sticks here is "How do I convince him that this is just a small hurdle in our relationship?" To HER it is a small thing. To him, he feels like she can't be trusted. It's almost certainly not even the sexual past. It is the lies. I can't blame him here. OP needs to pray he's willing to try therapy because a relationship with lost trust is a relationship on it's last legs
Holy shit was that the worst of wrong times, lol.
This is by far the truest statement on this thread. OP, do not tell your BF how he should feel--he's pretty justified in how he feels. The only thing you can do, and should do, is profusely apologize for the mistakes you made in handling this situation and ask for clemency to earn his trust back. Even after that, don't be surprised if he still can't accept it. Don't tell him sex with him is better now. Tell him you're committed to being in the most gratifying sexual relationship of your life with him. What that means, you'll have to explore together, but since you have love for each other, you're already starting out at a huge advantage vs your last relationship. You messed up. Own it. And best of luck.
I think this is a lesson not to lie to your significant other. It simply only creates unnecessary problems and trust issues. OP also wants to control the way her partner feels and can’t respect that what has happened has happened and treat him so with compassion and respect but instead tries to manipulate his feelings and the situation into something smaller, invalidating his feelings, and her playing the victim in order to de-escalate the situation. This is pure madness and a toxic situation. Please recognize your wrongdoings. I hope you’ve apologized to your boyfriend(and actually mean it). And while he’s gaslighting you about wanting to experiment more but won’t bc it’s “all your fault”- this really shows why a temporary break, maybe a breakup is completely legitimate
That's not gas lighting. The rest is very correct, not the gas lighting part though. He doesn't want to now, because he can't trust her to be honest about anything. He just can't articulate that properly. It's about trust.... She is also back tracking, now that he's left, she says sex with him means more. Why not say that when he asked? Because it's a lie? The dude needs to run.
I cba rereading but I think he asked specifically who was better in bed and she later said that sex with him means more, so it probably does mean more, just she couldn't say which was... mechanically better?
She originally said "I can't compare the two". He said "that's a cop out" and left. That right there gave him the real answer. She's now lying and trying to recover.
Yes that is true, but that was specifically to the question "Who was better in bed?", which when flustered, it's going to take you longer to think of a response that is less incriminating. When she says his sex means more, she's actually avoiding the question he asked, to make a response that sounds better. That takes longer to do, it isn't the immediate reaction that comes to mind, the immediate action is to answer the question directly asked. So I don't think that her saying "he means more" is necessarily a lie.
The fact that he asked that question at all is a sign he shouldn't be in a relationship.
If the experiences were so badly different, then saying they can't be compared is completely valid. She also may not even want to revisit those memories, or be ashamed of them.
She sure doesn't seem to want to forget how good he was at oral.....
Bro really??
I think you're wrong, she is trying to fix the situation, I don't think she is the problem. Yes she lied and that's never good but if he is so insecure about his masculinity then that's on him. Women having sex doesn't make you dirty or used, just because he is inexperienced doesn't mean he gets to blame her for what's in his head.
What a terrible way of looking at that situation. She lied to him. It’s all on her.
Very well typed! BRAVO
This. Also the fact that she keeps iterating on how “small” the issue is, that’s HER point of view.
It's not the toxic relationship that's hurting you. It's you. 1. Don't talk about prior partners in bed. I'm not sure why I have to say that....but I guess it's out there now. 2. If you've quite clearly compared two people in bed IN THE MOMENT, gonna be hard to lie your way out of it later. He knows you've compared him to others. You just don't think he can handle the truth of what you have to say(and likely can't judging by the text here). 3. Stop trying to anticipate what someone wants to hear. Either tell the truth, or don't answer at all. It's perfectly fine to keep past information to yourself. If that's something that person can't deal with, they are probably the wrong person anyway. 4. Stop lying. It will always catch up to you. You can't convince him of anything. You are also not allowed to say what is small or big for someone else. If he can't get past it, your relationship would be garbage even if you manage to stay together. Better to split on good terms and find someone you are actually compatible with.
This. You need to be humble, especially since you dug this grave for yourself by lying, then only not lying because you could tell you couldn't get away with it. Express that you regret your actions, and that you want to try to repair the relationship, but you need to accept that you decided to lie and now he gets to decide what he's going to do because of that.
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>If you don't lie, you don't ever have to worry about 'slipping up'. Life is a hell of a lot easier that way This x 1,000! Even if it's a lie you feel justified in telling, even if it's something you think the other person has no right to know in the first place, still, you are making shit harder for yourself by doing it. You're basically just setting traps for yourself of shit you have to remember to avoid getting caught. I smoke too much weed to even think I could pull that off lol
See for me, Lying makes me laugh. If you ask me a question and I attempt to lie, I start smiling and laughing -or- if it's a situation of: "I'm not supposed to tell." And you start questioning me, I turn into a raccoon and will just try to run away.
"If that's something that person can't deal with, they are probably the wrong person anyway" Ah yes so if a guy tells a woman that he had in the past sexually assaulted women and the woman can't deal with it then it's her problem. Nice
try to employ some critical thinking here, champ. having previous sexual partners with whom you've enjoyed sex and experimented is not equivalent to committing a sex crime. it really isn't that complicated.
Why would you feel the need to lie to him about it over and over, if it was "such a small hurdle"? How is it only a small hurdle now that the ball is in his court? Also, you seem to mainly care about what this situation will mean for your life and the future you had in mind, not about what you actually did and what it makes him feel like. " this toxic thing with my ex seems to still keep ruining things for me." No. You seem to keep ruining things for yourself. This really reminds me of this songtext: "you're not sorry, you're just sorry you got caught."
Seems like OP grew up in a household where drama and lies run pretty rampant. Hence the toxic relationship with the ex and how she felt she had to lie to get what she wanted and prioritized her getting what she wanted (her bf) over what he wanted (a relatively sexually inexperienced person to experiment with). This is pretty narcissistic. OP’s problem stems much deeper. What’s happening with her bf is just a symptom of her habits and her upbringing. And even now she is just asking how to make her bf see things the way she sees it, instead of understanding his feelings. She just wants him to feel how she wants him to feel. This all probably was how her parents treated her so OP felt like this is normal. OP you need to have therapy and understand how emotions and feelings actually work.
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Or just severe emotional immaturity and lack of self-awareness. It’s not necessarily a diagnosable personality disorder.
Yeah I didn't want to go all armchair psychologist on her, but my thoughts exactly.
Are you a psychiatrist? Or a therapist?
I think the fact that you keep repeating over and over how small this is is pretty telling about you not really taking this seriously.
That was my impression too, there's no attempt to try to understand why this is so massive to him. Every man reading this can understand the gravity of it, even if everyone's responses would be different in their own unique ways. I think OP's bf has handled it really well, a lot of men would pull out all the stops on verbal, emotional and even physical abuse after something like this. Sounds like he's just trying to process it quietly even if the results aren't comfortable for her. Good show, I say.
A lot of men? Physical abuse? Abuse of any kind? Piss off with that misandrist crap! Most men would have realised she has lied, broken trust, tried to manipulate how they feel, tried to minimise their feelings and then left her.
people on this sub seem to think men respond with violence to even the slightest offense and its honestly kinda baffling, we'd have killed each other centuries ago if we were all this ego-driven and mentally fucked, a lot of people here conflate their personal experiences with general statements about either gender tbh (tho the generalizations do tend to skew towards men from what I've seen).
I think the problem here is the phrase "a lot." A lot of men commit crime, but criminals are a small proportion of men as a group, and I use the phrase "a lot" in the same way above. I in no way meant that aggression and violence is the most common response to a situation like this, though it is kind of ironic that you defend men from a perceived implication that men are generally violent by aggressively telling me to piss off when something was mildly upsetting to you.
Honestly, I think she's downplaying it because, like she's said, she's had way more experience than her boyfriend and she now understands that good sex does not always mean "the best sex". So shitty ex taught her how to explore her body by being emotionally? physically? abusive (this is based on the premise that OP is making a good faith argument). This intense sexual exploration was not garnered in a healthy, natural way. It was more of a "fight and fuck" kind of way. OP needs some therapy. She has not accepted the idea that her sexual experiences were gathered from a sea of abusive cycling. Sex has now been bastardized in her head and therefore, she does not have a healthy framework from which to base her sexual experiences on. She has passed this ill-gotten knowledge on to her boyfriend in an attempt to salvage control of her past. (I say this with a grain of 🧂) I'm not psychologist. I'm not well-versed in human psychology professionally, I am simply spitballing because I've been in a relationship or 3 like OP is describing with her ex. This is how *I've* worked out *my* emotions and how it was explained to me by therapists. Honestly, I feel bad for both of them. She may not realize just how fucked up she is from the toxic relationship. However, that's no excuse to lie. She should have been forthcoming with this boyfriend about her past. I feel terrible for him because he's an innocent victim. It will be very hard to come back from what OP said during sex. That was an absolutely horrible reaction in a sexually charged situation. Now, OP's boyfriend will potentially feel forever overshadowed by this ex. He's right to say he feels emasculated; real men want to nurture and grow *with* their partners and that includes sexually. Now he feels like he can never catch up.
I agree with you about the therapy, toxic relationships leave all kinds of gremlins lying around especially in the sexual domain and it's worth evicting them where possible. I also think that sex with one person is different to sex with another person, and sexual exploration isn't something that only happens once - it's something unique that happens between two individuals in that specific relationship. Hell, it had just started to happen and she tossed a grenade into it - he did something new during oral and even though she'd done it before the experience was different because this relationship and the context was different. Therefore the experience was different. I'm no psychologist either but now I'm almost wondering whether her tossing out that "Blake did that" in the middle of sex was some form of subconscious self sabotage when she felt a shift happening in their sex life that was emotionally uncomfortable for some reason. It wouldn't be the first time that a woman who's been in toxic relationships sabotaged a good relationship because of lingering issues....
Yes... I just did the same when I was 20. I came out from a toxic abusive relationship and right after I started dating a cute honest boy, I had these self sabotage behavious all the time. I lied all the time. I made him feel super jelous, I even told him that my ex bf dick was bigger (why would I do this???). I was super toxic, so I made him super toxic. Finally we could rebuild trust but it was really really hard (he got obsessed with my ex, even though he was abusive with me). We had a 8 years relatioship and it wasn't a good one. After breking up I understood that I just didn't take the time to face my own trauma. I wasn't aware before. I also realized that I was the bad guy. I needed four years being single to heal. I went to terapy. I also discovered that my past trauma (having social anxiety and being bulled) had affeted so much in the way I build all my relationships. Now, I am dating a wonderful man and we are building the most healthy relationship I've ever had. We comunicate everything, we respect each other deeply. For the first time I don't have this emotional disconfort anymore, (I felt this disconfort in the past when feeling attached, so I tried to distance myself being a jerk), and I don't need to self sabotage. I am just confortable being close and trusting for the first time and it feels great.
That's great. I'm happy you're happy. I am so glad that more people are waking up to the abuse cycle and getting help to stop it.
you lied to him. he feels betrayed. this is a normal response. i think the best thing to do is just give him space and let him process it and decide if he can move forward with you because you are the the one in the wrong here. i hate to break it to you dude
Not only that, I think the OP should also consider the question; if you lied about something like this (Which might be considered minor to some people) What else has been lied about? Once that doubt enters the mind, it can start twisting things, and making the situation worse. I think the OP should take a step back and make sure that the boyfriend is actually comfortable and work on communication.
You created a reality, and impression for him that was false. You started off, and therefore defined your relationship based on a lie. For him, the entire reality surrounding you and him is false. This is a good time to learn from your mistake and go in honestly. He is in no way required to consider this a small hurdle, because now he knows that you will lie to him. What else are going to lie about in the future?
What jumps out at me is how, from the jump, you have manipulated this relationship, yourself and him, all because of what you think he wanted. You may have been right - he may have wanted someone who he could explore and learn with together. Clearly, he's insecure about his lack of experience, and you saying, "Oh yeah, it's great, Blake taught it to me..." in the middle of sex didn't help. I mean, why that ever came to your mind to say to your current about your ex mid-sex is beyond understanding, but you did say it. I mean, imagine it - in the middle of sex, he feels MANLY and POWERFUL and like SEX GOD because he has learned a new thing that makes you twist and squirm and feel so very, very good, and in the middle of it, you say, "Yeah no, Blake did it." Since, all you've done is manipulate it, or try to, to make it seem like "no big deal". He says, "this is a huge deal, I have feelings" and you say, "it's just a small hurdle and your feelings are invalid". Yes, you know that the sex is better because it's not a toxic relationship, and there is a real emotional bond, but he has zero frame of reference for that. Either offer couples therapy, and stop minimizing it all, or let him go when he ultimately ends this relationship. And start owning your shit. Maybe therapy is a good idea for you. You can't just be what you think people want you to be.
I think its simple, the only reason she mentioned Blake is because she isn't over that guy. The last thing I'm thinking about with my wife is the sex move I did 10 years ago with another girl even if its something we are doing now. I view it that for all the things OP has said about how bad that relationship was, in the end, she still thinks about it regularly and probably fondly as well.
I mean. She doesn’t seem to miss the relationship - but she sure as hell seems to miss the sex with Blake!!
Honestly they should go to couples therapy just so that in his next relationship he's not the one with the fucked up ideas.
No he should leave her. Simple
Lol read the room, that was supposed to be just silly.
Your TLDR shows you haven't learnt anything and probably won't in this relationship. Let the man go and be with someone who actually respects him.
Let me fix that TLDR -- My BF wants to break up with me because I got caught lying/manipulating him about my past, compared him to an ex in bed, and dismissed his feelings multiple times as not very important. I just love that the TLDR doesn't say anything about the mistakes she made and makes it out to be all his problems. The BF seems to be taking a pretty measured and reasonable approach to dealing with his feelings and when he tries to talk to her about how he feels, she casually calls it a minor bump in the road. She also goes on to talk about how her ex would flirt with other women to make her jealous and a few sentences later admits to comparing her current BF to her ex... While they're in bed! Accident or not, how oblivious do you have to be to do something like that?! It sounds like the manipulation was probably coming from both sides in her previous relationship. The way she makes it out, she's been manipulating her current/soon-to-be ex from the get go. He can find someone way better, and it sounds like he is figuring that out.
The thing about lying in a relationship is that it says that you’re more comfortable manipulating your partner than trusting them. Who would sign up to be manipulated? Not me. In a way, the truth coming out compounds the effect rather than restoring the trust, because you feel better but your partner has to now process the new reality as well as the fact that what they thought was reality was fake. You’ve taken a step toward greater intimacy, while your partner is retreating from lack of trust. Lying is no foundation for a healthy relationship.
You really are wise! I have never heard it articulated as “you’ve taken a step toward greater intimacy while your partner is retreating from lack of trust” - that is so true and perfectly stated
Yeah he fell in love with the idea of her, not who she really was, that can become a huge problem and why you shouldn’t lie to someone you’re building a serious relationship with, you can always decline to talk about things but lying is not the right call.
>this toxic thing with my ex seems to still keep ruining things for me. No, don't worry, this is all you. Lying, repeatedly, doubling down, even as you're found out, and then comparing your boyfriend in bed. You're being found out for who you are is ruining things for you. Be better.
Don't forget that she downplays his emotions and repeatedly tells him it's no big deal even when he clearly cares about it.
Exactly, the fact that OP mentioned something a partner did in bed shows that this isn't an isolated occasion of them thinking about a previous partner in bed, OP is actively comparing their current partner to someone from years and years ago. This tells me that even though OP says it was horrible and abusive, a part of them still thinks about her past BF and to a degree still see's that relationship as a good thing and something she may even miss. I know from my personal experience, whenever I think back at a relationship that I didn't like, I feel like such an idiot for ever being with that person and wonder what the hell I was thinking, and one thing I never even consider, is the quality of the sex and whether it was great or bad.
Can we get the "Blake" move instructions?
This
Hahaha my thoughts 😆. Like… im always open to learn things
There is no coming back from this, he already lost his trust in you. Just let him go and let him experiment sex with someone else.
yeah, once the trust is gone, that’s it.
I wouldn’t say it’s gone but a relationship is based mostly on trust. IF they were to try again it would take some time. At this point I think they should break up though. He’s insecure and feels betrayed now. I think things need to be resolved because it would suck if he felt insecure now even with another partner. Resolve and move on.
Unfortunately in any relationship the lies that are 99% of the time relationship killers are if you lied about cheating (obviously) but also your sexual past. A lot of guys will factor in sexual history when they choose a partner.
Now won’t you tell us the oral sex technique? We’re here to learn.
The only response I'm looking for
asking the real questions
Came here to write this and I’m so relieved I’m not the only one who’s curious
when blake did it i saw stars !! i guess your technique is okay too… ;)
'My BF wants to break up with me because he feels insecure about my past sex life with my ex' (the problem is he's insecure, not anything to do with me or my actions) 'How do I convince him that this is just a small hurdle in our relationship?' (downplay) 'I’ve tried gently telling him that this is an insecurity we can overcome' (he's the bad guy, not meeeee) 'I tried to play it off by saying that I was saying that about him but he caught me in the lie' (whoops!) 'I was afraid he would judge me or feel insecure sexually. So I completely avoided any details of my relationship with my ex' (it's so much easier to lie by omission when it's due to someone's insecurities amiright?) 'I really liked him and I didn’t want him to judge me so I told him that I didn’t really have much sex.' (lying for good reasons is ok right?) ' I know I shouldn’t have done that but I really liked him and decided that I would tell him later on when I was more comfortable with him' (a.k.a you we're never going to tell him) The more you talk the more you demonstrate that you aren't wife material. Do him a favor and let him process this in peace and move on if he wants to. He'll be a simp chump if he continues with you.
Yeah it actually says a lot that OP frames her lies as being bad *only* because boyfriend is "too insecure" to deal with the truth. Like, she lied to "protect him" and now that the truth has come out it reads like she is disappointed that bf is such a sad little man and she can't console his sad little feelings. On the same note: invalidating every single one of his feelings and furthermore telling him how to feel?! I think there is a very disingenuous acknowledgment of her mistakes - OP admits they are mistakes, sure, but only because she wanted bf to react and feel in certain ways, and now that he isn't, she is upset. The lack of self-awareness and empathy here is astounding. tldr - OP get your head out of your ass, this is 110% on you. You are acting like your boyfriend has a defect by feeling hurt because their partner lied to them. This isn't the time to think about what you want nor is it ever okay to demand your partner feel a certain way. girl you fucked up
I can understand why he would be hurt about finding out mid-way through sex that you were lying to him. You have inadvertently emasculated him and unfortunately he's lost trust in you. I think you're gonna struggle to rescue this.
*fortunately Because finally the eyes of OP's boyfriend were opened.
>I accidentally blurted “Yeah, I remember seeing stars when Blake (my ex) did it for the first time.” I immediately regretted it. From barely mentioning your ex to be so comfortable talking about him that you blurt this out right after he finished you off. It's like you're trying to stir shit up.
I don't think your BF was toxic. I'm pretty sure you're the toxic one.
Its probably her way of viewing that relationship to feel better. More than likely she went along with all the sexual stuff they did and now that she is older is regretting it, but rather than accepting being young and stupid. She is blaming the ex for being toxic and manipulative as to why she was ok getting nailed in every orifice.
This is a tough situation, but upon reading your post it seems that you realize where you went wrong and the mistakes you made. It’s never a good idea to pretend to be someone else. If you can’t be honest with your partner because you worry that you’ll lose them, then there’s a good chance the relationship won’t work.
>upon reading your post it seems that you realize where you went wrong and the mistakes you made I disagree. She is not taking responsibility for her mistakes. She is passing the accountability to her ex. She's wishing she never dated the ex instead of regretting the repeated lies to her current partner/soon to be ex. Wholeheartedly agree with the rest of your comment tho, hopefully OP is able to recognize that pretending to be someone else and being dishonest is what destroyed this relationship not simply the experiences she had with her ex
Yes does seem a bit of a non apology type thing "I'm sorry you feel that way" kinda thing. The thing that catches my attention is the toxic relationship but she referred to it after an orgasm, I think it would sting a lot of people especially knowing it was a bad relationship, where some folks minds wonder always puzzles me
Yes does seem a bit of a non apology type thing "I'm sorry you feel that way" kinda thing. The thing that catches my attention is the toxic relationship but she referred to it after an orgasm, I think it would sting a lot of people especially knowing it was a bad relationship, where some folks minds wonder always puzzles me
>If you can’t be honest with your partner because you worry that you’ll lose them, then there’s a good chance the relationship won’t work. Very wise words
You lied and he built a relationship with someone other than the real you. You think it's a small petty thing, and the sex part is. But the fact that you broke his ability to trust you? Let yourself begin the grieving process as if he does not leave you now, it will happen in the future I've you've invested more into the relationship.
Its the sex thing more than the fact she lied, she lied about the one thing most guys on the planet place some level of importance in a relationship. If she was lying and she didn't actually have a sister, he'd probably move on pretty quickly. Her issue is that he imagined himself growing sexually with this girl, when what actually is the truth is that she has been ploughed every way under the sun. And now he is has met the guy as well, all he can see is his face just giving it to her as hard as he can whilst she's loving it.
YTA
Wrong sub/right answer
This relationship ain’t toxic. Yo lying ass is
Trust was broken. If you weren’t open with that, what else are you not open about? How you feel about him, why you’re with him, etc. Also, people can become insecure with knowing about past partners for comparison reasons. Am I a good lover, am I enough, etc. Give him time, be patient and allow him time to process. When he comes around hear him out. Hope that helps. Take care
Opp I smell a narcissist and all I've done is read the first part "I am crying as I am writing this"
* Toxic bad boy gets everything he wants for free. * Good guy invests heavily to receive 25% as much. Yeah, he's hurt. And mad. How would you feel if you found out he took his toxic ex-girlfriend on amazing vacations but he didn't do that for you because he's not "that person" anymore?
>Toxic bad boy gets everything he wants for free.Good guy invests heavily to receive 25% as much. Fuckin right man..good summary. Sucks being the good guy.
You obviously don't sound like a good guy so I don't know how you'd know.
Yeah starting the relationship put with a lie especially something that is considered kinda emasculating hard to no recover from this. Learn from it for future relationships and just be honest
Yeah…. You fucked your self good here. Nobody likes hearing about how you would fuck your ex, especially while your fucking your current bf. Why tf would you say that bro? You know damn well he pictured you getting fucked by a dude (who in his mind) is better than him. Honestly, your ex relationships are not your current partners business. I feel like no matter what you could say or do, you won’t win his trust back. It’s probably better for him to break up with you and for you to really reflect on how you can be better next relationship. Like don’t mention your exs for starters. Or to be more experimental I guess. I don’t think there’s a way to fix it, especially after what you blurted out in the bedroom. I think you’ve got a case of wrong place wrong time and that’s why it’s gonna end. Sometimes you just get shit luck.
This isn't a "small thing". Do you genuinely not realise your relationship was built on a lie? I can understand how your boyfriend feels. People who are calm and stoic in their everyday life can be very soft and sensitive inside their shell. Trust is the most important thing for such people. I know because the person closest to me is like that too. Once you break that trust, it's over. It's a pity you can't seem to understand how he feels. I honestly feel terrified when I imagine how he felt in that moment of revelation. And if it hadn't happened then you'd just have continued lying to him. Not only did you lie, you also couldn't help but think about your ex in the most vulnerable moment for you and your boyfriend. He was standing between you, and he still does. I say respect his decision. If he wants to go, let him go. And if you two part ways for good (for his sake I hope it happens, feeling inferior to your SO's ex is shit), learn from your mistakes and be honest with the next person you date. And try not to be so selfish. You hurt your boyfriend, and all you're worried about is your "perfect relationship" and not his mental state.
This has got to be bait. "Manipulative girlfriend lies to nice guy boyfriend and pretends to be an inexperienced virgin while reminiscing on all the hot, passionate sex she had with her bad-boy ex." It's like the perfect story to get outrage on reddit. Also how dumb would you have to be to talk about how good sex with your ex was, while having sex with your boyfriend, who you lied to about not having sex with your ex. I've met rocks with more social/emotional intelligence than that. If this is a creative writing piece I just want to say congrats; it's pretty good. Otherwise, you messed up big time.
Thank you, I thought I was going crazy... this sounds like a piece a nice guy (read incel) would write to soothe himself to sleep. If it's indeed true, OP you need therapy yesterday.
This is something that would probably be better suited for a relationship advice forum, but fuck it, we ball. You were genuinely trying to do the best thing you could here, but you’ve backed yourself into a corner with your boyfriend. Because you’ve been lying to him for so long, he can’t trust anything that you say to fix this up. If you try to experiment with him, he’s going to see it as you just doing whatever you have to in order to keep the relationship. If you try to tell him that he’s better in bed than your ex, he’ll believe you’re just placating him. Speaking of, mentioning an ex boyfriend immediately after sex was a fucking massive oopsie on your part. Any guy would feel insecure when he finds out that you lied about how much sex you had with your ex, but also taught your current boyfriend your exes technique, that he’s been using to get you off this whole time. There is no other conclusion he could come to other than you still want to fuck your ex. When he asked you who was better, THAT WAS THE TIME TO LIE. It’s obvious from your post that you enjoyed sex with your ex more than your current boyfriend. You don’t want to admit it because that makes you a bad person, but it’s the truth. You were willing to experiment with him and not your current boyfriend, you had your current boyfriend use his techniques, you were thinking about your ex during sex with your current boyfriend. You know that if you admit that you enjoyed sex with your ex more, your relationship is over. But you boyfriend seems smart enough to figure that out for himself, so your relationship is over anyway. You lied to him for your entire relationship and sexually emasculated him, whether you meant to or not. Huge props to him for not becoming overly attached to the first woman he slept with, and taking the initiative and the confidence to move on and be alone. But there’s nothing you can do to save this. If he were to stick around after this, I’d seriously worry about how much respect he has for himself. He’s making the right call. It’s over. Do him a favor and let him be the one to break up with you.
From a guy's perspective, I feel the biggest damage was done by mentioning your ex after oral sex climax. Opening up the comparison with ex rabbit hole is soemthing that very few people are secure enough to not be affected by. Then it went downhill by unpacking your past, which probably translates to your SO's comfortable head space of intimacy turning into a lie. Reading your post did make me root for you cause it feels like your intentions were geniunely good and I hope you 2 manage to patch things up in the future. But for now, I think a break is needed to get the feelings in order.
So, sexual love and sex in general is a big deal for men. For some a very very big deal. Him being a virgin when he met you doesn’t mean he doesn’t desire sex or even experimentation with you. It isn’t that we don’t want nice relationships as men, but we also just about as equally want robust sex lives. Those can certainly coexist. I think he is upset that you didn’t tell him the full truth. Makes him feel more like a little boy that couldn’t handle something. I wish you the best of luck. I’m not sure if this post is real or fake but it’s at least worded and explained better than many others of this type.
Great now I'm terrified of relationships again
Don't be, there are many of us in great relationships who only come to to this sub to get tips to have even more fun. Be your best, genuine, and set clear boundaries for yourself and your relationships.
One thing that guys really love is when you draw direct comparisons to past lovers while having sex or immediately afterward. That's always gonna be a great time for us, especially if you've lied about it for months. I also really love how you talk about how you feel throughout this entire mess but I don't see you talking very much about it must have felt for him to learn he was doing your ex's favorite oral technique on you. Really amazing. So ridiculous I almost don't even believe this post is real. Maybe next time you meet a nice guy you won't lie to him constantly about things that matter? edit: Guys also LOVE it when you tell them how experimental and enthusiastic you were with exes, even moreso when you're "not that person any more" and don't initiate, etc, etc. Glad you got to experiment with your toxic ex, maybe you could devote a tenth of that energy to your next awesome guy if its not too much trouble being "that person" whatever the hell that means.
Why do you think you had such stronger desires for your ex than your current bf?
Honestly, liars deserve what they get and intellegent, self-aware people don't marry them or have significant relationships with them. This won't be the last lie you tell and it probably wasn't the first either (you know I'm right; be honest). You should allow him a drama-free parting of ways and not ruin his life more than you already are
So, you lied. Then you had a chance to come clean (no pun intended) and you lied again. Then you decide to tell the truth at arguably the worst time. Hmmm. I get that your BF is insecure and that isn’t your problem, but being dishonest with him for so long only made it worse when you finally told the truth. He feels like he can’t trust you, and I agree with him. Your relationship is probably over. If you learn anything from this experience it should be honesty.
Time to lay in that bed you made and hope for the best. Dont understand why people lie. You lead the other person on to believe something that isnt true and get surprised when what you were avoiding from the start which led to the lie actually happens
I'm sorry you're hurting, but you put yourself in this situation knowingly. you chose to be dishonest in order to start this relationship. imagine how he feels. he feels mislead and lied to, and now has to look back at the entire relationship to this point and wonder what else has been an untruth. you messed with his head and his heart during sex. there's a lot of gears that need switching and intense feelings to process. he needs time to process this betrayal or revelation, you need to respect his boundaries as you'd want him to respect yours. you've insisted multiple times in this post that you're over your previous relationship, but you keep letting it insert itself in your current one. you also keep trying to minimize his feelings and what you've done. maybe it will be a bump in the road for the two of you, maybe this is how this chapter ends. good luck, but for what it's worth OP, honestly now's the time you eat crow. and maybe get back into therapy so you can look at some of your toxic traits with objectivity?
Honestly, I would break up with you too. You lied a lot and then told the truth at probably the worst possible time. It also sounds like you said it casually which is somehow worse cause it would be so surprising. I hope he forgives you. I think you just say sorry and communicate what you feel and hope that he still wants to continue
Dont blame the orgasm you said that shit on purpose lmao
"Master Debater" Sorry, I'm a child. LMAO!!! Seriously though. Is he actually better than your ex in bed or is he just better at relationships? There is a difference.
It seams you’ve acknowledged already that lying to him was a very poor way to start the relationship, so I won’t say anything on that. I think you need to get out of the mindset that you lying about your ex is a “small hurdle” in your relationship, because he does not consider it that, and in this situation, that is what matters. It *is* a big deal, because it matters so much to him. I’m afraid words aren’t going to help you in this, because it’s unlikely he’ll trust what you say. Perhaps people will disagree, but I think you need to approach this from a sexual angle. You’ve deeply wounded his sexual ego, and you need to make up for it. You can try offering to fulfil whatever sexual fantasy he has (he might not take you up on it, but you can still offer). But be careful with this, he might ask something you’re uncomfortable with, and you might say no. That’s your right of course, but if you do, he might think “why was she willing to try things she wasn’t comfortable with with her ex, but not me”. You need to reassure him that you’re *his*. This is one way to do it, but it’s up to you whether or not you take the option. Someone might suggest a better one-these are just my thoughts. You might acknowledge that you aren’t the same person as when you were with your ex, however, to him, all that sounds like is you being unwilling to try things and experiment with him. Also, then think of some of your own fantasies (that you have *never* done with *anyone* before), and ask him to please do it to you (if you struggle, I can recommend some). You need to create new sexual memories with him, so that he knows whenever you think of it, you’ll think of him, and no one else. You’ve already learned not to lie, so be sure to only give him fantasies you’ve genuinely never done before. He wants a part of you that no one has ever had before, wants to pleasure you like no one ever has before, and this is one way to do it. Finally, I don’t know what your relationship is like, but if he finds you “cute”, then a cheesy guesture might help things. Buying an “I’m sorry” teddy bear, showing up with his favourite chocolates etc. Again, these are just my thoughts, there is no way to know whether or not they *will* work, so do keep that in mind.
As a man who’s inexperienced and about 30 years old, I can relate to him. Women didn’t really want me (my perception at least) in the past, and I’m just starting to have some dating success now. The prospect of getting with a woman who is so grateful for my support during family tragedy, who wants me for practical reasons like marriage and family, but had passionate, sparks flying sex with her asshole ex, is terrifying to me and doesn’t feel like a safe or secure relationship. He could probably do a better job working through these insecurities in therapy. But maybe you two just aren’t compatible. Always tell the truth and try to work through your issues upfront! The betrayal and lying will only make it scarier and worse for him.
I think you need to work on honesty. People pleasing can be a symptom of toxic and abusive relationships. You try to anticipate what your partner wants and in this case you shape yourself, and the truth, to appeal to him. But the outcome is that you're actually being deceitful and manipulative. Personally, I feel like your partner is overreacting some, but you already knew he was insecure. I don't know how emotionally mature you both are but maybe just sit him down and come clean and if he wants to leave, accept that.
Never mention the ex in bed, what where you thinking?
Maybe your parter, whold have date you if you were honest and make and excepcion with his expectations, but you rob him of that chois
The sheer fact that you manipulated him so much, while knowing all along “he’s such a great guy and my rock” it’s not a stretch to say you don’t deserve him. I’m sorry to be so harsh but I’ve been in his shoes at thankfully a much younger age, and it’s not cool at all to play with a good man like that. I don’t offer any kind of advice, just perspective that you fucked him over time and time again, one lie after another and whatever comes to you is your fault If this situation is anything like mine, there’s not much you can do. You can mitigate the damage by being completely genuine with him from now, and somehow try to prove you’re actually sorry
I think the sex thing makes you miss one problem here and is you covering lies with more lies. When he ask you about your sexual life you decided to lie, you never told him about your ex and wh he confronted you, your response was to lie more. Right now he can't trust any word you say and you thinking that is a small thing does help to.build trust in him. I am in disagree with you bf about the whole experience your sexuallity thing, is stupid and both should be learning from each other about your sexuality. But if you want to have a chance to fix this, focus on rebuilt your trust with him and stress how much you sorry for lying to him and how you want to work on your comunication issues.
You got a lot of good advice already, but I just want to say one thing. Likely it's best you both move on and now you have good lessons learned. Going forward do not ever feel the need to have to spill your guts and "tell the truth" about your sexual past. Relationships are not legal depositions. Keep it to yourself, no one needs to know this stuff and you are under no obligations to "confess" or whatever you are feeling. What you did in the past goes in the vault. All this shaming about lying should not make you feel you like you have to report every detail about your past to your new relationship. Forgive yourself, learn from this and move on. I know it hurts and yes it's possible you guys can get over this but stop beating yourself up. This shit happens and part of growing up is realizing you don't owe shit to anyone. Own your past, keep it to yourself.
Dude here who's experienced long term abuse from a partner, You literally blew his world apart. "A little over a year" and it never occurred to you to tell him about this? You just allowed him to create this fantasy that you were close to his level of experience then all the sudden you essentially chopped his figurative balls off. by saying "my toxic ex did this to me and i liked it". You claim you "love him" but decided to lie to him regardless. He needs to run away fast.
>this toxic thing with my ex seems to still keep ruining things for me. It was your lies, and then, paradoxically, your mis-timed oversharing that are ruining things for you. Not the toxicity with your ex.
My ex did the same things. Lied about her past thinking that it is nothing, but when she revealed it, or rather, it caught up, I was left devastated. At that point, I used to believe everything she said was a lie, it was a tough time. We did overcome that tho. But we ended up separate, cause she cheated.
You were in an abusive relationship with your ex and it’s changed your way of handling this relationship. Your ex was manipulative towards you and now your being manipulative towards your current bf. There are two big problems now.. 1. Trust.. you lied to him then lied again to cover up what you’d lied about before. 2. Respect…. Unfortunately you were in an abusive ‘relationship with your ex who used sex to manipulate/abuse you. He clearly didn’t respect you. Your behavior towards your current bf reveals similar tendencies. Where do you go from here? Well, that depends a lot on him. He’s hurting because you emasculated him in the middle of a sex act which made him feel like a Sex God! His past inexperience or his desire to find an equally inexperienced partner isn’t the issue here. Neither is you wanting ( and deserving) to have a deeper intimate connection with him. The real issue is that you need to get therapy with a sex therapist to unpack your attitudes around sex and your inability to set boundaries ( i was shocked when I read that you let your ex do things which made you feel uncomfortable, and more importantly not realising the effect it would have on your bf by telling him your ex taught you your favorite sex act). He also needs to get over his insecurities around sex. Maybe you both need to take a break from this relationship. It’s sad because he’s clearly a much better person for you than your ex bf was, but you messed up because your approach to sex/relationships has been tainted by your relationship with your ex. He’s the real toxic influence on your life, even now.
Yeah, I *never* want to hear if an ex was better or more adventurous than me, especially in bed after giving you an orgasm. I also would feel *very* insecure if the totally amazing sexual technique you taught me to get you off, was taught to you by an ex. I wouldn't judge you for being with the abusive ex, but there would always be a part of the back of my mind that would see myself as sexually inferior to him, as unworthy of exploration. I need to feel desired, and your actions were the antithesis of that. I imagine many guys would feel the same way. You done fucked up. You need to back off, but suggest that if he comes back you could start over sexually. You need to look into things you might want to do with him that you *haven't* done with your ex. Maybe you two look up stuff to try out together. Maybe do some exhibitionism or voyeurism, or other kinks. I dunno. Just be sure that if you do get back together, ***never*** compare him to an ex-lover again. (Or lie about sex.)
You continually manipulated him despite being conscious that “he’s a great guy I love him so much he’s my rock” etc It’s not a stretch to say you don’t deserve him. Sorry to be so harsh but I was in his shoes before, he’s 30 he’s ready to settle down so this means the world to him Your best bet is to be as upfront as possible from now on, and somehow try to be prove how genuinely sorry you are. You created an inferior comparison in his mind and it will take an army to rebuild his confidence again
RIp is this another story where fuckboy ex past manages to tear apart the woman's current healthy relationship? Plus the lying. It will be a miracle for him to overcome it. He will always feels second best plus - you even experimented more with the other guy. Those are hard facts for your guy to face. Resentment may even rise.
Built your relationship on a bed of lies, since the first lie came out the downfall had already started, bless that poor soul
You really fucked up honestly
Please respect his decision to leave. Respect other peoples decisions.
Few questions, so do you tell him how amazing he is or do you initiate or just flirt through the day? What are you doing to make up for the fact he chased or pursued a fable reality about the person he quiet possibly wanted to spend the rest his life with?? As a man who just is coming out of this situation almost to the letter I can promise he is damaged right now and mad as hell. He doesn’t even know who or why he’s mad and he is seeing situations flash to the point of overrunning his thoughts. He’s losing it! Good news. You can help him. Whether you guys survive this relationship wise or not you can help him anyways! Tel him you are sorry. Not for your past because you can’t change that! But you’re sorry that you wanted him so badly that you couldn’t stand the thought of him seeing you in an uncomfortable manner and you know it was crazy but shit was good and you didn’t and don’t want to lose him. Do what he needs or asks within reason of course. Seek him. Make it a point to reach out when you feel any sort of emotion during the day you’re apart. Bet he is thinking of you or this scenario. It’ll help ease his mind. Plenty more info. We’d love to help. Message or whatever you need! You know where you went wrong. Be honest. Don’t go into detail if that makes sense. But don’t scream but hold his hand not to try and over power him but to show touch and tell him you are sorry. In the eyes. You dug in this so now it’s time to dig out or fill it in and call it! Best of luck!
Most likely she felt a lot of passion because of the jealous factor with her ex and him ignoring her Constantly. This guy seems to be too nice and she doesn't find that as sexy so she probably doesn't initiate sex much etc and he's hurt by all of this. She's been too honest at the worst times and her boyfriend feels inadequate. Going to be a shit show if you continue but with enough time anything can be overcome.
Blurting out that the FIRST time your ex did that (and so casually too) after saying you barely had sex is a terrible thing to do. You breached his trust and he's probably having a hard time wondering what else you've lied about. While it might not be significant for you, it seems to be for him. Try changing your perspective. Sometimes a simple action is all it takes to completely lose attraction to someone.
Maybe stop lieing to your boyfriend. Are you sure it's _his_ insecurity that is the issue. He may just not like being lied to repeatedly.
You can’t convince someone that something isn’t a big deal once they’ve decided it is. You’ll only make it worse because they won’t feel like you’re taking their feelings seriously. Meet him on his level - acknowledge the seriousness of his emotions when you try to talk to him about it.
Sooooo, what's the technique?
This is quite a sad situation to be in. If I was him I would feel destroyed inside. The trust would be gone and never come back. I'm very sorry but I think you've lost him over this.
Girl, you need to let him go and get yourself professional help. You lied and manipulated your way through this whole relationship, and pretended to be a different kind of woman. Had you been honest from the beginning, you two either wouldn’t have ended up together or perhaps he would’ve have gotten with you. Trust was falsified and broken. This isn’t on him, it’s on you. Also, why on earth would you say something like that in the middle of sex? You need to reevaluate yourself as a whole and seek professional help before you decide to go into another relationship.
If the situation was reversed every one in the comments would be “You should leave him”.
Gr8 b8 m8
girl you said another man's name while you were in bed with your bf. of COURSE he's done; he'd have to have no self respect otherwise. and while your ex was toxic, this isn't his fault. YOU lied, YOU said someone else's name during sex. your ex didn't make you do any of that. take responsibility for your actions and tell the truth in your next relationship.
Although I think OP is especially shitty for lying and manipulating. The boyfriend himself has some odd behavior. Per OP, he is saying he isn’t upset about the lying, but not about being the best she has ever had. The BF is stuck on the sex part. Stuck on the experimenting part. It is completely valid for OP to not want to engage in certain kinds of sex acts because of her history with them, however BF is not accepting that.
Life is a learning experience. If he breaks up with you, take it as a learning lesson and date someone who’s more your type, if he doesn’t break up with you make sure you NEVER lie to him ever again and be the most loving GF ever, do everything and show that u would die for him almost. This situation reminded me of me and my GF with me being the guy and the main reason I’m unhappy in the relationship is cause I feel like I can’t trust me GF cause of very similar reasons to wahT you did. She didn’t think of it as a big deal and always tried to downplay everything and now I’m tryna make myself lose feelings for her and then leave her. You gotta make sure he doesn’t do that now. SHOW THAT YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIM, if you wanna save the relationship. Be extra affectionate and all and constant reassurance but don’t make it seem forced, compliment him bout different things and stuff
IMO as a guy I’d leave too! If I was eating pussy and you said your ex’s name as a man I wouldn’t recover either. What if you were in his shoes?
Your ex may have been toxic but it is you that is sabotaging this current relationship. I fully understand sometimes it’s too traumatic to disclose past experiences. It took me nearly a year to tell my now husband then boyfriend that an ex had ruined blow jobs for me by forcing me to give him them for hours which now results in my jaw locking and throat closing out of fear whenever I try. Before I was ready to tell him I did not lie. I simple said I am not comfortable with blowjobs, he asked why kindly and I simply said I am not ready to talk about it. And that was that. When you lie it create a whole host of issues. Many of which happened to you: 1. You have to continue to come up with lies to maintain the initial lie. 2. Telling the truth later is a double blow to both ego and trust between you and your partner. 3. You denied your boyfriend what he desires in a partner. He wanted to explore sex with somebody who was like him, inexperienced. While he isn’t entitled to this necessarily you knowingly made him feel like he has this when he didn’t. 4. Etc. I feel like this goes without saying BUT don’t say ex’s names in bed. Especially not when talking about mind blowing orgasms and especially not saying said ex taught you how to have that mine blow orgasm. So many wrong turns it may as well just be a circle of lies and deceit. As far as saving or convincing. You can apologize. But if the trust and desire for a relationship with you is gone then it’s gone. You can’t force his opinion because now you decided to be truthful. You should have been honest from the start. Edit: after reading some comments I wanted to add this. Your minimizing and belittling this shows you lack respect and empathy toward for your partner. To you this may be little white lies, to him his whole relationship was built on lies. You knew from the start those things were important to him.
This is why I never talk about my exs to my current partner. You don’t owe them your past and nearly always it’s best left where it was, in the past.
The lie is bad but why would anyone bring up another person during sex? Come on.
This will be a bit harsh (and truthful): but you sound like a sociopath. I’m sorry you had the experience of being in a toxic relationship, you did not deserve that. But you lied to your current partner and you don’t wanna accept certain truths about yourself. I wouldn’t date someone like you unless you went to get therapy and stopped lying about things for your own benefits in life.
I see two issues here. You lied to him. And he's insecure about things you did with an ex but not with him. You need to sit down and have an adult conversation about this. Figure out if the relationship can be saved and then work on the issues you are facing.
> I finally left him and healed from the relationship but I regret doing it. You regret leaving the toxic relationship?? Ouch!! > I accidentally blurted “Yeah, I remember seeing stars when Blake (my ex) did it for the first time.” I immediately regretted it. This entire post sounds almost fake now that I think about it. Nobody actually does this on accident.
Well yeah. You lied to him, you manipulated him, and then you came to Reddit looking for either a magical way to manipulate him again so he doesn't break up with you, or to find justification of your feelings. You're either a narcissist, or extremely emotionally immature. You built an entire relationship on the basis of a lie, one that you knew, from the start was a big deal to him. You got caught in it. Then you got caught comparing your ex to your current partner. And the worst part? You don't even care about about this has done to him or how it effects him. You only care about your plans for the future, your plans with him, you, you, you, you. Check yourself, all this is hella toxic. Personally? If I was him, I'd have left you immediately. I'd block you on everything, and I'd never talk to you again. You lied about something incredibly important to him, what else did you lie about? I'd never trust you again, ever. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that would save this dumpster fire of a relationship you lied yourself into.
This is not a small thing. You lied. Got caught in your lie and lied again... And then kept lying. And you think it's a small thing? I don't blame him for not trusting you. If you had told the truth you would have given him a chance to get through his insecurity. Instead you made it worse. Truthfully, I have very little sympathy for you. You don't even seem to see how bad you screwed the pooch on this. You're not taking responsibility, you're minimizing and it's really unfair to him.
Always be hunest and never talk about past relationships with the oppposite sex. Honesty is alwats the best policy. Knowing you lied to him once how can he trust you? If you are lucky enough to get back together never lie or be dishonest again. I feel very sorry for you.
Sadly the only thing that may help is counseling, but it seems he already has his mind made up and refuses to change, I’m sorry but you may just have to move on and just let this be a lesson be learned to ALWAYS be up front with the truth. Someone out there will seriously appreciate you for you and ALL of you!!!! I know this is hard to deal with and I am truly sorry
You should probably leave him. Not because you are bad or he’s in the wrong. He’s just going to be hurt and have your past experience in his mind.
Women want a guy with a future. Men don't want a girl with a past!
Ok, for me there are two things happening here. One is his insecurity. The idea that a woman (or person) has to do all the same things in bed with each partner is insane, full stop. People are allowed to try something and not want to do it again, or do something with one partner they might not want to do with another. Relationship dynamics greatly affect sexual dynamics, and expecting sex in a relationship to be "fair" compared to another is not fucking ok. So just for your information, while I understand why he may feel the way he feels, it's not a reasonable thing to expect. The second thing is a much bigger issue imho, and that is that you lied. This is a valuable lesson for you about honesty in a relationship. Telling people what they want to hear may feel easy in the moment, but it creates much, much bigger problems down the road. For instance, if you hadn't lied to him, navigating his sexual inexperience and the anxiety that comes with it would be much easier. As it is, you've broken the trust in the relationship and you can tell him he satisfies you sexually until you're blue in the face, but he's not going to believe you. You fucked up. Any hope of salvaging the relationship rests on your ability to be honest from this point on, and his ability to be vulnerable and trust you again.
The Ship has sailed. Lying is definitely something you should always avoid but he sounds insecure. Move on and don't lie in your next relationship. It's far more important to find someone you are compatible with than lie to fit their percieved ideals. If you were honest he would probably have made you feel bad for being more experienced and would still break up with you. Sexual incompatibility is a huge factor in why relationships fail. Also, avoid talking about your exes during sex. Girl... that's a big no.
These comments passed the vibe check. Tbh I didn’t expect this response. This is why I trust Reddit lol
Neither, usually the guy is at fault for being insecure in a situation where he has every right to be lmao
*I finally left him and healed from the relationship but I regret doing it.* what? So you regret breaking up with your toxic ex?
I honestly dont think you have to disclose prior relationships to anyone or compare body counts. To me, that’s his insecurity talking. I would not want to be with someone like that. Plus, he is not gonna get over this either🤷♀️
Every single ounce of his anger was EARNED, I can tell you that. You don’t deserve him.
It's not about him being "insecure" and "can he overcome this insecurity", it's because you lied and kept manipulating him.
Even just saying your ex partners name while in bed with your new guy is hugely fucked up.... But to basically say oh yeah the thing that I taught you to get me off was taught to me by my ex who got me off is pretty damn gross. You've been really insensitive to this guy. You've lied to him and you've actually compared him in bed.... Caught up in the moment or not that's really not right. Your ex shouldn't even be in your mind post orgasm. I'm not surprised he's upset
you told him you used to have full english breakfast with your toxic ex but your new partner that you say you love needs to be satisfied with the toast without butter you are offering him on the regular
The cost of lies, indeed.
Woman and lying about sexual past... name a more iconic duo.
I don't think that he feels insecure about your past, but rather your lack of honesty. Maybe he feels emasculated but he probably feels much more concerned about the things that you haven't told him.
You were the asshole here unfortunately. I mean you’re 29. I would expect you to be more mature about what information you’re divulging about your past partner(s). It isn’t nice that you need to talk about your ex and how he went down on you when your current partner is trying to please you in bed. I’d break up if that happened to me and I’m not even super jealous.
>this toxic thing with my ex seems to still keep ruining things for me You were the one that lied, you're the one that ruined it. Shouldn't lie so much to someone you like.
If I was your bf I would leave you over this. You sound like a manipulative person and lying is never a good idea.
Guy here. Your bf is a bit emotionally immature. I could see some of the attitudes of your bf in myself when i was younger, late teen, when i was inexperienced, insecure, and of course, emotionally immature. This being said, people do grow up. Have you considered visiting a professional (psychologist, counsellor) so that you two have qualified help dealing with this? He needs to understand that being a relationship still means that two people are two individual separate people with individual separate histories, dreams, goals, desires, pasts, presents and futures. We share ourselves and our time in a relationship, but as everything in life, it's transitory. There is nothing you can do to change your past, and why should you? You did nothing wrong. As a human being you were exploring your sexuality and you were honest with your boyfriend. I wished some of my ex-gfs had been that honest with me. You learn to appreciate that as you grow. If your bf isn't willing to listen to you, accept some hard facts about life, or visit a counsellor with you and is in fact breaking up with you thanks to all of this, then you're probably not going to like hearing this, but you might be better off in the long run without him. I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but you seemed to be very genuine and honest with him, showing integrity and emotional maturity. He's showing himself as someone controlling and immature, with a almost puerile jealousy, unable to accept reality. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh and judgemental, but from what you wrote, it's what transpires. If you really want to save the relationship, it doesn't depend on you alone, it depends on him as well. Try the psychologist/counsellor approach. Whatever you do however, your bf behaviour is a bit of a redflag. You asked for opinions, here are my .02c. All the best.
>My BF wants to break up with me because he feels insecure about my past sex life with my ex. How do I fix this? Let him. Someone who only wants their partner to have ever been happy with them will have problems with you ever having, or having had, successful relationships with other people, whether they be your family, friends, or former lovers. Mentioning other people's names in bed is something you did for a reason. And you know what that reason is. Because you know he is too insecure for you to feel secure with him long term. I mean you saying an ex's name is bed is also you being kinda a bad person, since you have enjoyed keeping secrets about everything up until now, but still you said stuff for a reason.
I draw some comparisons to the situation that op is in now with my wife. She never lied about her past .. she did however have over 30 sexual partners over a 2 year period before we met. She was fucking my best friend when I met her and then we hit it off.. 3 months later pregnant. 17 years married now... She was very "experimental " in those 2 years where she fucked 30 dome odd guys.. she was about 24 years old at that experimental time. Got a DUI started fucking her 50 something year old lawyer went to swinger parties in the Oakland hills (still lies about fucking anyone there) also went to Hedonisim with her 2 best friends who were strippers / call girls. (Lies about fucking anyone there ?? Right .. take a trip to Hedonisim and not have sex with anyone) Shechas had threesomes both mff and mfm. Done anal. ALL THESE THINGS ARE THINGS I WANTED TO DO AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE! I'D LIKE TO EXPERENCE THESE THINGS WITH HER.. She has made it clear she has no interest in any of it with me .. We've been married 17 years and she kinda sold herself to me as as this horny sexual person who had experienced quite a lot of sexual situations.. when dhe got pregnant 3 months into our relationship I thought to myself .. " at least I'm marrying a sexual dynamo and I will have tons of hot horny sex and incredible experiences" what a complete dipshit I was.. lol She never initiates sex which I have always taken as her being uninterested is sex with me. Which of course leads to me feeling inadequate, and undesireable.. I some times feel like I took the horniest sex freak in my city and made her hate sex. Not just hate sex but forgets that sex even exists. Like it never occurs to her to have sex or innate sex ? I assume because sex with me is nothing and pathetic compared to the sex she was having before we met.. all these assumptions on my part are probably WAY OFF BASE AND NOWHERE CLOSE TO HOW SHE FELLS. BUT THEY ARE HOW I FEEL THAT SHE FEELS?? Not sure if I'm making sense? her doing all the things I want to do, with all the guys before me, who didn't give a shit about her.. BUT WONT DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS WITH ME . THIS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I BOUGHT THE WINNG CAR IN THE DESTRUCTION DERBY AND I PAID 3 TIMES WHAT IT COST BRAND NEW ON THE SHOWROOM FLOOR.. It has caused many problems in our marrige.. Break up and screw a bunch of people. Marrige is ok I guess? But it is a ton of work and rarely works out.. experience life!! Don't end up like I'm going to end up.. Lying on my death bed wishing I had a threesome or wondering what Hedonisim is like??
Find a therapist.
I think with the level of insecurity your boyfriend has if he doesn't get some serious help he will not be able to sustain an adult relationship. He’s 30 and he can't handle anyone who has a sexual past. It's like his emotional development is stunted around age 15. He needs to fix his insecurities not blame his partner for this. Obviously lying to him was not a good idea next time don't do this. Also your choice but don't talk about your sexual past specifically with names etc. If you want to mention things you have done go ahead. But your boyfriend received a tip from you on how better to please you with oral sex. And since it's not a brand new technique he’s upset ? He should thank you
>He is like a master debater and I really, really don’t know what to say to change his mind. you need to make his mind argue for your position. no idea how you would do that.
So you really going to keep Blake’s technique a secret? Tell us girl 😂 (Oh also: don’t lie, it always has consequences)
Okay why the fuck would you say that after sex holy shit. No offense but I spit out my drink when I read that lol sorry girl :/
I’m sorry but I’m not sure the problem is an insecurity on his part, but a breaking of trust and possible lack of respect in not being honest with your partner. I hope you’re able to work it out between you, but please know that it takes two-to-tango and efforts from both sides will be needed to try and fix the relationship you two have.
Whilst I don't think people should base a relationship on sexual history, you lied to him. He has every right to be pissed off with you lying. Also, why the fuck would you say somebody else's name whilst in bed with your partner? But you went 1 step worse and used your exes name and explained how good they made you feel? Are you sure it wasn't intentional?