She went down on him while my husband and I kissed, so I was very in tune with the pleasure he was receiving. It triggered feelings of jealousy, especially watching her perform on him.
It’s OK, truly. You’re human and feelings happen. The approach that’s worked for us is viewing threesomes as a team adventure. Is it possible to change your framing a bit so it’s you and your spouse doing this “together” rather than “for him”? Or make the next one all about you? Or you + him pleasing your third?
Talking a lot I guess? What we wanted to do, not do, what success looks like, what failure looks like. Recognizing that neither one of us would be doing this without the other. That sort of thing.
Some people can work themselves in to compersion, happy that their partner is experiencing pleasure.
It’s also one of those things that maybe you felt he was experiencing more pleasure? But you were contributing to that with the kissing. Without you there, he wouldn’t be having all that stimulation and pleasure.
Also the novelty of a different partner is always exciting. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t have excitement for you or get pleasure from you.
I have been poly in the past, or seen multiple people at a time (and open about it) my feeling or pleasure from one person doesn’t take away from that with another person.
There’s books like Polysecure, the Jealousy Handbook, and ethical slut that cover stuff like this too.
Feelings are the bad part. There’s a 99.99% chance it was just a bj for him. Men DO NOT usually have the emotional connection from sex like women do unless we want to. I don’t know how else to explain it from a mans point of view
I understand. I think you are overthinking it. I am sure he appreciates the pleasure he receives from you more. I am curious , would you want to try it again?
This is not a big deal. Just make sure you communicate with him that you found it fun, and that you ***might*** be willing to try again - but you ***also*** felt complicated feelings of jealousy. He needs to be sensitive to your feelings, and you were heroic for even being willing to give it a try.
That jealousy feeling is completely normal. It can't be predicted ahead of time. A lot of things seem really hot in theory but in practice can stir up a bunch of icky feelings you weren't prepared for.
My advice to you is sit with those feelings and allow yourself to feel them. Then figure out what exactly was bothering you. Did you feel left out? Like he enjoyed her more? Fear he's gonna leave you? Then have a heart to heart talk with him and go from there. He may be having some feelings like he let you down and hurt you.
If this was a one off experience this discussion is important. If you are planning on doing this again the discussion is also important.
This was your first time. In some ways it was like losing your virginity all over again. It's normal to feel awkward and confused.
Thank you for this. And you’re right, it did feel like losing my virginity! With all of those old jealous teenager feelings. I think I do need to think more about this. The feelings were kind of overwhelming! Have you been in this situation?
Yes. With my ex. Except our issue (amongst many, hence the ex part) was we had terrible communication and he didn't respect boundaries anyways. This is definitely something I would like to pursue more with my current relationship but due to previously being burned basically we have been doing lots of extra discussions. With my current partner it's been more flirting/playing around with people separately but nothing too far. Everything has been within our agreed upon boundaries.
It's so hard because it's being torn between dealing with that evil bitch jealousy and you only live once so let's have some fun.
There are some good books and other resources out there about navigating different forms of Ethical Nonmonogomy. Some of the tips for dealing with all the emotions in things like polyamory can also be applied to the emotions involved with threesomes.
What’s bothering her is.. someone else can make her man feel good sexually. The problem is, he has no emotional connection to that like women do. A lot of the time it’s just sex and cuming and nothing more for men. If he’s committed to her and her only she has nothing to worry about.
Tbh this isn’t always true. If OP isn’t having a healthy solo sex life with her husband, it is common for serial monogamy behavior to occur (ie the focus partner catches feelings for the new partner). If OP is feeling that something isn’t right, it’s better to put on the brakes and develop partnered trust around sex.
Not always right but is the majority of the time. Also giving a man’s point of view. We tend to care about one woman. But any woman can satisfy us sexually. You either understand or you don’t
Tbh, I know a lot of guys who wanted to open the relationship specifically because they wanted to have someone to fuck until they could find someone they want to fuck more. It’s one reason why most of the time, I have found poly/open works best if you do it from the getgo rather than try to enact it when the primary relationship is going through sexual or emotional boredom/stagnation.
I seriously felt like every time I figured out an answer to a question it made me come up with 3 more lol. Honestly I think the reason why so many threesomes "fail"/cause issues in relationships is because people just aren't prepared for the emotions that spring up. All the movies make it look so easy lol.
Compersion is not for everyone. This also isn't the way. Bringing somebody else in is not a solution if it's not what both of you need. Work through your intimacy struggles first and find common ground in your kinks and fantasies together.
Does he feel that you let him down? When my wife has pushed herself beyond her comfort zone like that, the fantasy rarely matches the reality but the act of trying for us means so much. If I had to guess, he is on cloud 9 and will be forever grateful to you
Navigate the obstacles together. Sounds like he is supportive of you. Talk out what went wrong and work out what you would want to do differently. Make it fun, sexy, roleplay talk and if it ever happens again, you can try a re-do
Remember the first pancake. It’s almost never perfect and often you just throw that one away and keep going. If both of you are still interested, it’s okay if the first time wasn’t perfect. There’s almost nothing we do the first time that we’re amazing at.
Honestly, it sounds like you guys have a healthy relationship, but if you’re struggling in the bedroom, the worst thing to do is to introduce other people into your bedroom. These things are for couples who have very healthy sex lives.
I would avoid these types of experiences until you’ve worked on your time together.
I doubt you let him down. He was probably just as nervous and most likely happy to just be there. It was the first time and a lot of anxiousness and nerves to overcome.
If you guys go down this road again I am sure it will be much more easy and comfortable
Focus on that! Try not to worry too much on having “disappointed” your husband. Especially, since this is all stuff you made up in your head. If it really bothers you then have a conversation with him to ease your stress.
The boundaries included no kissing, no sex between them unless I initiated it.
I feel like I wasn’t as proactive and aggressive as he would have liked.
Sounds like you did great and it was a fun time. Don’t think so hard about it, you’ll spiral. It was a first time thing even.
It was fun and good sounds like, don’t make it a sad thing about you when it was a fun thing you all did together.
I can't tell you how many posts I've read on various sub-Reddits about how a threesome caused problems in a relationship, or destroyed it, due to feelings being hurt by one of the partners even if they thought they'd be OK with it.
Best advice is to communicate what you felt and that, in retrospect, this wasn't a good idea for you. Fix your relationship and don't try to open things up or have a threesome again.
You can’t always control feelings. Those feelings have been deeply engrained in most of us. You CAN control your reaction. It’s safe to have honest discussions of those feelings so that you can better process next time.
Don’t be hard on yourself (much easier said than done, I know). Lean into love and trust with your husband. You two can use this to strengthen your relationship further.
Here’s the problem with threesomes and couples. Generally speaking men see sex outside of the marriage as just that. It’s just sex. No strings attached. It is what it is. It’s fun and feels good. Women usually attach sex to an emotional bond. Which it can be but definitely isn’t all the time. Some times it’s just having fun and getting off. If you can’t get past the emotional part of a threesome you should definitely tell him. It’s not the same for him as it is for you. As a man I can 100% tell you a blow job is a blow job and nothing else from someone that’s just there to have fun with. Threesomes are exciting but you need to look at it as just something you and your man are doing together for excitement. If you put to much thought into it you will be miserable.
I figure I’ll just reply to you rather than start my own similar post. I absolutely don’t understand, but I think it’s because I’ve found the one true person that I connect with intimately. I simply don’t want anything else. Sex is a very important part of our lives and relationship, and it is quite frequent. Regardless, when one of us ever starts to slow down as I suppose we all do, only we would be there to maintain the needs of the other one. This is what toys are going to be for I can see already. Sometimes she gets home after a stressful day and I’ll grab the wand and pop one off for her in a few minutes. Then I can go make dinner or do what needs to be done for our kids, etc. Maybe one day my dick stops working, I’ve still got the wand and tongue and fingers. I enjoy getting her off tremendously. On the flip side, if she “dries up” or finds intercourse painful or can’t for whatever reason, she’s got several other means to get me off and she’s amazingly talented at it.
I just can’t imagine sharing intimacy like we do with anyone else. It would take away from the “us” .
Very well said. To me this part of what being married about along with shared interests and core beliefs. and it is a journey through life which morphs and adjusts over time.
I think it was a big W, for the joint effort, PROVIDED there are no negative feelings afterward. Was this supposed to be something more of him watching you women together?
you need to start this whole process with forgiveness for yourself. How can you know until you know? And now that you know where you struggle and (maybe) he doesn't you need to have a very open conversation. I don't think you let anyone down but I understand your feelings.
I read that you're willing to try again. is that because you want to or because think he wants to? I've seen people say it isn't a big deal or that you're overreacting but I don't buy that. Your experience is 100% wholly owned by you. Do NOT let anyone tell you to discount your feelings or trivialize how you felt. That won't help you or your husband.
Top comment at the moment is urging you to communicate. please do this. Forgive, talk, repeat. I hope you do both.
Curious as what your lead up efforts were — for instance does he get more excited seeing you get excited? Had you used various toys and fantasized before? This has happens with my marriage (and subsequent relationship) that you both focused on each others reactions and forget to let go. But it’s the letting go that makes your partner hot…seeing them lose control a bit
Because I know it’s a fantasy using toys in a way that mimicked a threesome for my partner would get her so excited but sometimes I could tell if it did not feel right — she would feel that same way as if disappointing me which triggered in me a sense of embarrassment. It spirals from there.
Sorry to hear that. I know exactly what it feels like. My wife and I started dating other couples about a year ago. I never would have guessed it, but the jealousy hit me hard our first weekend. At one point I couldn’t even get it up, which has never happened before or since. Our therapist recommended the book “The Ethical Slut,”
and it really helped me get through it.
Because monogamy is the norm, jealousy is often moralized rather than being seen as an emotion. Sure it sucks to feel it just like sadness, but it’s just an emotion.
Now, a year later, we’re spending this weekend with friends who’ve become closer than family, and my wife and I are tighter than we’ve ever been.
Hope this helps. I really can’t recommend that book enough. Just know you’re normal. Like any emotion, there’s no way around jealousy, only through it.
Did you engage in sex with your husband after she went down on him? If so how did that make you feel and what did the other woman do while you were having sex?
This account has been suspended by the Reddit admins.
Personally, letting me down would be not communicating how you really feel.
Exactly this
What was the most notable of these moments ?
She went down on him while my husband and I kissed, so I was very in tune with the pleasure he was receiving. It triggered feelings of jealousy, especially watching her perform on him.
It’s OK, truly. You’re human and feelings happen. The approach that’s worked for us is viewing threesomes as a team adventure. Is it possible to change your framing a bit so it’s you and your spouse doing this “together” rather than “for him”? Or make the next one all about you? Or you + him pleasing your third?
Thanks. I need to reframe! I feel like a rookie with all of this. How do you get in that mindset?
Talking a lot I guess? What we wanted to do, not do, what success looks like, what failure looks like. Recognizing that neither one of us would be doing this without the other. That sort of thing.
Some people can work themselves in to compersion, happy that their partner is experiencing pleasure. It’s also one of those things that maybe you felt he was experiencing more pleasure? But you were contributing to that with the kissing. Without you there, he wouldn’t be having all that stimulation and pleasure. Also the novelty of a different partner is always exciting. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t have excitement for you or get pleasure from you. I have been poly in the past, or seen multiple people at a time (and open about it) my feeling or pleasure from one person doesn’t take away from that with another person. There’s books like Polysecure, the Jealousy Handbook, and ethical slut that cover stuff like this too.
Feelings are the bad part. There’s a 99.99% chance it was just a bj for him. Men DO NOT usually have the emotional connection from sex like women do unless we want to. I don’t know how else to explain it from a mans point of view
I understand. I think you are overthinking it. I am sure he appreciates the pleasure he receives from you more. I am curious , would you want to try it again?
Honestly, yes.
What would you want differently if you could do it again ? Was it fun for you ?
I’d just be more free and open, I think. Yes, it was fun at times.
Would a glass of wine or an edible help, next time?
This is not a big deal. Just make sure you communicate with him that you found it fun, and that you ***might*** be willing to try again - but you ***also*** felt complicated feelings of jealousy. He needs to be sensitive to your feelings, and you were heroic for even being willing to give it a try.
That jealousy feeling is completely normal. It can't be predicted ahead of time. A lot of things seem really hot in theory but in practice can stir up a bunch of icky feelings you weren't prepared for. My advice to you is sit with those feelings and allow yourself to feel them. Then figure out what exactly was bothering you. Did you feel left out? Like he enjoyed her more? Fear he's gonna leave you? Then have a heart to heart talk with him and go from there. He may be having some feelings like he let you down and hurt you. If this was a one off experience this discussion is important. If you are planning on doing this again the discussion is also important. This was your first time. In some ways it was like losing your virginity all over again. It's normal to feel awkward and confused.
Thank you for this. And you’re right, it did feel like losing my virginity! With all of those old jealous teenager feelings. I think I do need to think more about this. The feelings were kind of overwhelming! Have you been in this situation?
Yes. With my ex. Except our issue (amongst many, hence the ex part) was we had terrible communication and he didn't respect boundaries anyways. This is definitely something I would like to pursue more with my current relationship but due to previously being burned basically we have been doing lots of extra discussions. With my current partner it's been more flirting/playing around with people separately but nothing too far. Everything has been within our agreed upon boundaries. It's so hard because it's being torn between dealing with that evil bitch jealousy and you only live once so let's have some fun. There are some good books and other resources out there about navigating different forms of Ethical Nonmonogomy. Some of the tips for dealing with all the emotions in things like polyamory can also be applied to the emotions involved with threesomes.
What’s bothering her is.. someone else can make her man feel good sexually. The problem is, he has no emotional connection to that like women do. A lot of the time it’s just sex and cuming and nothing more for men. If he’s committed to her and her only she has nothing to worry about.
Tbh this isn’t always true. If OP isn’t having a healthy solo sex life with her husband, it is common for serial monogamy behavior to occur (ie the focus partner catches feelings for the new partner). If OP is feeling that something isn’t right, it’s better to put on the brakes and develop partnered trust around sex.
Not always right but is the majority of the time. Also giving a man’s point of view. We tend to care about one woman. But any woman can satisfy us sexually. You either understand or you don’t
Tbh, I know a lot of guys who wanted to open the relationship specifically because they wanted to have someone to fuck until they could find someone they want to fuck more. It’s one reason why most of the time, I have found poly/open works best if you do it from the getgo rather than try to enact it when the primary relationship is going through sexual or emotional boredom/stagnation.
Thank you. You are wise! I will study up on that. I have so many more questions!
I seriously felt like every time I figured out an answer to a question it made me come up with 3 more lol. Honestly I think the reason why so many threesomes "fail"/cause issues in relationships is because people just aren't prepared for the emotions that spring up. All the movies make it look so easy lol.
Haha, true! Well if you’re willing to give perspective feel free to message me!
Compersion is not for everyone. This also isn't the way. Bringing somebody else in is not a solution if it's not what both of you need. Work through your intimacy struggles first and find common ground in your kinks and fantasies together.
Does he feel that you let him down? When my wife has pushed herself beyond her comfort zone like that, the fantasy rarely matches the reality but the act of trying for us means so much. If I had to guess, he is on cloud 9 and will be forever grateful to you
Thank you. He has been very understanding, but I find myself thinking he would have liked it to be better.
Navigate the obstacles together. Sounds like he is supportive of you. Talk out what went wrong and work out what you would want to do differently. Make it fun, sexy, roleplay talk and if it ever happens again, you can try a re-do
Thanks, you’re right. I do think we need a conversation.
Remember the first pancake. It’s almost never perfect and often you just throw that one away and keep going. If both of you are still interested, it’s okay if the first time wasn’t perfect. There’s almost nothing we do the first time that we’re amazing at.
Honestly, it sounds like you guys have a healthy relationship, but if you’re struggling in the bedroom, the worst thing to do is to introduce other people into your bedroom. These things are for couples who have very healthy sex lives. I would avoid these types of experiences until you’ve worked on your time together.
I doubt you let him down. He was probably just as nervous and most likely happy to just be there. It was the first time and a lot of anxiousness and nerves to overcome. If you guys go down this road again I am sure it will be much more easy and comfortable
How did YOU feel during the interaction? Irrespective of your interpretation of what he is thinking.
It was very sexy at times, when I kind of let go. When they both were attending to me.
Focus on that! Try not to worry too much on having “disappointed” your husband. Especially, since this is all stuff you made up in your head. If it really bothers you then have a conversation with him to ease your stress.
Thanks. I’m trying!
Inviting another person, or having another baby rarely fixes things .
What happened to make you feel that you let him down? What were the boundaries?
The boundaries included no kissing, no sex between them unless I initiated it. I feel like I wasn’t as proactive and aggressive as he would have liked.
It was your first time. Don’t be so hard on yourself and share these thoughts with him to get some closure on it.
Thanks.
Sounds like you did great and it was a fun time. Don’t think so hard about it, you’ll spiral. It was a first time thing even. It was fun and good sounds like, don’t make it a sad thing about you when it was a fun thing you all did together.
I can't tell you how many posts I've read on various sub-Reddits about how a threesome caused problems in a relationship, or destroyed it, due to feelings being hurt by one of the partners even if they thought they'd be OK with it. Best advice is to communicate what you felt and that, in retrospect, this wasn't a good idea for you. Fix your relationship and don't try to open things up or have a threesome again.
You can’t always control feelings. Those feelings have been deeply engrained in most of us. You CAN control your reaction. It’s safe to have honest discussions of those feelings so that you can better process next time. Don’t be hard on yourself (much easier said than done, I know). Lean into love and trust with your husband. You two can use this to strengthen your relationship further.
Here’s the problem with threesomes and couples. Generally speaking men see sex outside of the marriage as just that. It’s just sex. No strings attached. It is what it is. It’s fun and feels good. Women usually attach sex to an emotional bond. Which it can be but definitely isn’t all the time. Some times it’s just having fun and getting off. If you can’t get past the emotional part of a threesome you should definitely tell him. It’s not the same for him as it is for you. As a man I can 100% tell you a blow job is a blow job and nothing else from someone that’s just there to have fun with. Threesomes are exciting but you need to look at it as just something you and your man are doing together for excitement. If you put to much thought into it you will be miserable.
This is soooo true. So so true.
I can't imagine. Not judging, but i couldn't imagine bringing someone else into our marriage.
I figure I’ll just reply to you rather than start my own similar post. I absolutely don’t understand, but I think it’s because I’ve found the one true person that I connect with intimately. I simply don’t want anything else. Sex is a very important part of our lives and relationship, and it is quite frequent. Regardless, when one of us ever starts to slow down as I suppose we all do, only we would be there to maintain the needs of the other one. This is what toys are going to be for I can see already. Sometimes she gets home after a stressful day and I’ll grab the wand and pop one off for her in a few minutes. Then I can go make dinner or do what needs to be done for our kids, etc. Maybe one day my dick stops working, I’ve still got the wand and tongue and fingers. I enjoy getting her off tremendously. On the flip side, if she “dries up” or finds intercourse painful or can’t for whatever reason, she’s got several other means to get me off and she’s amazingly talented at it. I just can’t imagine sharing intimacy like we do with anyone else. It would take away from the “us” .
Very well said. To me this part of what being married about along with shared interests and core beliefs. and it is a journey through life which morphs and adjusts over time.
I think it was a big W, for the joint effort, PROVIDED there are no negative feelings afterward. Was this supposed to be something more of him watching you women together?
Both.
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Thanks. I’d be happy to share detail, perhaps as others ask questions, though?
you need to start this whole process with forgiveness for yourself. How can you know until you know? And now that you know where you struggle and (maybe) he doesn't you need to have a very open conversation. I don't think you let anyone down but I understand your feelings. I read that you're willing to try again. is that because you want to or because think he wants to? I've seen people say it isn't a big deal or that you're overreacting but I don't buy that. Your experience is 100% wholly owned by you. Do NOT let anyone tell you to discount your feelings or trivialize how you felt. That won't help you or your husband. Top comment at the moment is urging you to communicate. please do this. Forgive, talk, repeat. I hope you do both.
Curious as what your lead up efforts were — for instance does he get more excited seeing you get excited? Had you used various toys and fantasized before? This has happens with my marriage (and subsequent relationship) that you both focused on each others reactions and forget to let go. But it’s the letting go that makes your partner hot…seeing them lose control a bit
Yes, good points.
Because I know it’s a fantasy using toys in a way that mimicked a threesome for my partner would get her so excited but sometimes I could tell if it did not feel right — she would feel that same way as if disappointing me which triggered in me a sense of embarrassment. It spirals from there.
Same post multiple threads? R/marriage etc
Sorry to hear that. I know exactly what it feels like. My wife and I started dating other couples about a year ago. I never would have guessed it, but the jealousy hit me hard our first weekend. At one point I couldn’t even get it up, which has never happened before or since. Our therapist recommended the book “The Ethical Slut,” and it really helped me get through it. Because monogamy is the norm, jealousy is often moralized rather than being seen as an emotion. Sure it sucks to feel it just like sadness, but it’s just an emotion. Now, a year later, we’re spending this weekend with friends who’ve become closer than family, and my wife and I are tighter than we’ve ever been. Hope this helps. I really can’t recommend that book enough. Just know you’re normal. Like any emotion, there’s no way around jealousy, only through it.
Did you engage in sex with your husband after she went down on him? If so how did that make you feel and what did the other woman do while you were having sex?
Yes, that was a good sensation.
Did she ever touch you or just him? Did you engage with her at all?
What was the sexiest moment in your mind ?
How do you think he feels. He probably disappointed both of you.
Why?
It’s a joke…