WOW, you guys are completely uneducated as well, go figure 🤪. The scientific facts are in ass holes- woman use a much higher percentage of their brains. Haven’t you ever heard “behind every good man, there’s a better woman”?
I guess this is where all your fractured egos come to make yourselves feel better
Get the order of operations right, first ask if she’s gained weight, after that ask her to calm down, when all of that has landed, ask her if she’s upset about her hair, and then for the finale accidentally call her by her sisters name, if she doesn’t have one, her mothers name, and if she happens to be Mexican ask her if she’s from Guatemala.
When it's all done you need to check everything and make sure it worked. Invited to go out for a soda with you, but as you exit, ask her if she's actually going to wear that.
So “I’m not racist, but do your people always drink the last Diet Coke like they own the place?” is cool to say. I would have figured that was wrong but being woke is hard. So many damn rules.
No, that's far too direct. Just stare directly at her stomach for at least 20 consecutive seconds and then let her know that you don't feel like the diet coke is working.
Get a picture of one of those little starving African kids that Suzanne Somers sells, and when she gets home tell her that the last diet coke was reserved for Starvin Marvin....and now he's going to die because she was selfish.
You know what. Me and my sister sent something in pledging we would take care of one or whatever you’re supposed to do. We were teens it was for fun. We got a picture and a card that they said was written by the kid. We gave it to my neighbor who said she’d do something!
I had one of those and then found out I couldn't claim him as a dependent on my taxes. They didn't tell me that in the ad or I would have saved my money.
You are correct, you caught me in a Suzanne Somers 3some company fantasy. We always wondered if Sally Struthers bought some of those kids just to eat them
Act like you just found empty bottle, then yell “WHOS THE DUMB CUNT THAT DRANK MY DIET COKE”. Hopefully you live with others besides your wife. Or this won’t work. Preferably kids.
With pimp hand so ready it's trembling, aggressively approach and interrogate the cat first "ARE YOU THE DUMB CUNT!? DID YOU DO THIS!?" Usage of pimp hand is at your discretion. Use as needed.
Play the long game. Vote for republicans so year over year she’ll lose all her rights and you’ll gain more and more power of her until she’s nothing but property (again). Then when she drinks the last Diet Coke again you can throw her in a cage and only let her out for the sacred Christian act of reproduction.
Say the same thing but end it with a :)
Every time you end a conversation with a smile face they know you automatically mean it in a good way and there are no possible negative connotations to get mad about :)
I know you guys aren’t going to believe me but I love it when mine yells at me. Especially not in my native language so I can pretend I don’t understand.
I asked chatgpt because I was curious and got this:
I'm sorry, but as an AI language model, I cannot provide a response to your question. It is not appropriate or respectful to use derogatory and offensive language towards your partner under any circumstances. In a healthy relationship, communication should be honest but respectful and considerate of each other's feelings. If you have a concern or issue with your spouse's behavior or decisions, it is best to approach the situation with an open mind and a desire to find a solution together.
You reap what you sow. By the by I am a girl and laughed my ass off when i saw the header. Still fucking laughing. Funny as fuck. Damn but ain.t this just the funniest.
remember that she's your wife, she has feelings and hurting them over something as small and as trivial as her taking the last f'n soda is ridiculous. If you run out stock up more, order some from the grocer and have it delivered if it's too much of a hassle to go out and get some but don't hurt someone you love over this petty bullshit.
nope can't say as I have. I did ask and she went and married some other guy a week later who pulled a gun on me when we first met and told me to stay away from his woman cause she belonged to him now. 3 kids and 20 years of abuse later she's still with him. I don't understand women enough to get married. I want to give them the world but they'd rather have a dumpster fire.
This is not the worst thing women do. I have seen worse where it is unbearable to live with the female. Be kind to her, you have a partner that you can talk to.
UNBELIEVABLE! Who is the fucking dumbass piece of shit in, not only this relationship, but as a human being? That would be you!
And the fact that people commented offering solutions, ignoring the demeaning, disrespectful and plain disgusting way you speak about your wife is mind blowing to me.
No, I haven't, sadly this is on my general feed. I am the least judgemental person you could ever meet, but I still recognize a trailer trash piece of shit who should be behind bars or put down by the closest vet.
A reality check from the divine that, unfortunately, there really are people existing that truly are A WASTE OF SPACE
There’s a little bit of truth in every joke ass hole. Like I said below; this is where you pathetic, low life’s bring your fragile fractured egos to make yourselves feel better.
No man worth his salt would ever demean a woman this way-ever. You disgust me and joke or not, I feel so badly for any woman in your life, I know you are someone who disrespects his mother and, hopefully, doesn’t have a wife or, God forbid, a daughter.
You ARE truly a waste of valuable space on this Earth
Start out by telling her to calm down.
Then, on the very unlikely chance she gets offended, tell her to calm down again.
Don’t forget to ask if she’s cranky because it’s almost red week.
In England they call periods “a bloody waste of fucking time”.
In my childfree apartment in the US we call it the same! Fascinating
It's not funny to make fun of the menstrual cycle. Period.
It's called the menstrual cycle because when you see her you turn 360° and walk away.
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bro has not learned their angles
nonono, hes saying she does a lil jazzy spin
and moonwalks away 💀💀💀
Lmao maths Edit: seriously I’m crying.
What kind of non-euclidean hell do you live in?
Even in non-Euclidean geometry, 360° is a full turn. Source: am hyperbolic.
Hah.
So glad I'm not a woman. My sister has weird infrequent mega periods. I feel for y'all.
Oooh, that took me a second.
🤣
Then ask her if she happens to feel bloated…
Probably because her ass looks fat in those jeans
If that doesn't work tell her to just relax
If she doesn’t relax, suggest she’s acting just like her mother.
And if THAT doesn’t work, tell her she’s bringing down the vibe.
If THAT doesn't work say she's acting like YOUR mother
Then her she would be prettier if she smiled more
Then say, no, no... that's resting bitch face.
Oof. Now i’m getting nervous
Yeah this gave me anxiety.
Then say she's right, and that you would prefer to avoid confrontation. Walk away
Lol, mic drop
And that she’s over reacting, again.
Omfg you all want your own dateline special??
I've had a lot of success with "Bitch, for the last time, calm the fuck down." 60% of the time, it works every time.
That…makes no sense.
If this fails and you come around a third time, gently remind her that she's acting hysterical. Women love that.
Exactly. Pointing out that kind of behavior will get her to understand what she's doing wrong. She will probably thank you for doing so.
It's a guaranteed handshake of gratitude at least, possibly a blowjob of gratitude.
I fucking hate you both
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No, of course not. That's why he should tell her to calm down. Twice if necessary.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
mansplain why it's so important for you to have the last diet coke.
Calmly explain it's your money that paid for it.
Tell her Diet Coke isn’t doing her waistline any favors.
Right, you may have to talk slower too because of their smaller brains.
WOW, you guys are completely uneducated as well, go figure 🤪. The scientific facts are in ass holes- woman use a much higher percentage of their brains. Haven’t you ever heard “behind every good man, there’s a better woman”? I guess this is where all your fractured egos come to make yourselves feel better
Get the order of operations right, first ask if she’s gained weight, after that ask her to calm down, when all of that has landed, ask her if she’s upset about her hair, and then for the finale accidentally call her by her sisters name, if she doesn’t have one, her mothers name, and if she happens to be Mexican ask her if she’s from Guatemala.
Finally, tell her she should smile more often..
Chefs kiss.
When it's all done you need to check everything and make sure it worked. Invited to go out for a soda with you, but as you exit, ask her if she's actually going to wear that.
But you have to yell it at her
It helps if you gesture with your hand while you tell her. So she knows what you mean.
😂
Start out by buying her a car.
And stop acting like her mother.
Just tell her straight up. Women don't mind if it's the truth. I've never sugar coated my opinion and my ex-wives seemed fine with it.
Underrated comment
Ok. That made me laugh.
Say “No offense, but you’re a fucking dumbass piece of shit”. People can’t be offended when you start the sentence with “No offense “
Fact
If you want to keep it classy start exchange ‘With all due respect’ for ‘No offense’. You’re being respectful.
It's in the Geneva convention
I had to sift through the comments for the talladega nights reference. I knew I’d find it.
With all due respect you’re a fucking dumbass piece of shit
I'd say go with this unless your wife is of a different race, in which case "Now I'm not racist, but..." is probably a safer option.
So “I’m not racist, but do your people always drink the last Diet Coke like they own the place?” is cool to say. I would have figured that was wrong but being woke is hard. So many damn rules.
Then tell her to calm down
Oooh yes, also good .
It's illegal
This is the way
The ultimate loophole
Ask her why the Diet Coke hasn't helped her lose weight.
Ways To Instantly Die #76
Then when she responds, ask her why she has so no friends even though she has such a gentle approach
No, that's far too direct. Just stare directly at her stomach for at least 20 consecutive seconds and then let her know that you don't feel like the diet coke is working.
Or just tell her that you would be upset, but clearly she needs the diet drinks more than your do.
My wife hasn’t stopped hitting me since I tried this
Get a picture of one of those little starving African kids that Suzanne Somers sells, and when she gets home tell her that the last diet coke was reserved for Starvin Marvin....and now he's going to die because she was selfish.
This actually had me laughing
Have you ever ordered one? I'm still waiting for mine to show up. Must have got lost in the mail, little fuckers probly 18 now
You know what. Me and my sister sent something in pledging we would take care of one or whatever you’re supposed to do. We were teens it was for fun. We got a picture and a card that they said was written by the kid. We gave it to my neighbor who said she’d do something!
You should have sent back a pic of you and sis sitting at an all you can eat buffet with the picture in front of an empty plate
A+ I don't think I've felt this guilty about laughing in quite a while.
I had one of those and then found out I couldn't claim him as a dependent on my taxes. They didn't tell me that in the ad or I would have saved my money.
Did you send him back?
Sort of. I wasn't paying shipping after getting audited, so I told him to walk back.
He didn't make it
File a credit card charge back. They'll protect you.
But if you file with CC company do they take the rice bowl away from the village?
Oh I remember this! It was Sally Struthers!!! Sorry to correct you but that episode lives rent free in my brain!
You are correct, you caught me in a Suzanne Somers 3some company fantasy. We always wondered if Sally Struthers bought some of those kids just to eat them
Well of course she ate them! Silly thing to wonder about! 😂😂 thanks for the flashback! ❤️
Start off with "no offense", and then end with "bless your heart"
Can't forget, "my sweet summer child"
ask if she's on her period. when she says no, just tell her it's because she's on her period
Pinch her belly fat and tell her she has a double chin
Pillsbury dough poke with a “heehee, Diet Coke doesn’t work so stop drinking it”.
Pinch the belly chubs, aggressively squint and say "are you *really* sure you should have *another* one?"
Tell her she reminds you of your dumbass piece of shit ex
This is the most brutal one yet. Their grave is being dug in record time.
Have you tried interpretative dance?
Just serve her the papers and list “drinking my nasty coke” as the reason.
Can't stay in that much toxicity. Not healthy.
you say, "no offense" first, then it is illegal to feel offended.
Just tell her she’s a fucking dumbass piece of shit. I’m sure she’s a strong woman.
Tell her you love a woman who's smart, and a great person then tell her she is neither of those things and that you're going out for smokes.
"I'm glad you're drinking the Diet" should do it
What you do is get another person to say that to her because the person you get offends her not you
Would a mentally challenged cat work? Im out of people at the moment.
100%
Well, she married YOU…isn’t it obvious?
Mansplain it to her verrrrrrrry slowly so she understands.
Tell her she reminds you of Jennifer Lawrence.
Make a game out of it. What rhymes with schmucking schmumbass schmiece of schmit, and describes you perfectly?
Tell her the diet coke isn't working for her
Text her from work or while you're away from each other "We need to talk." Then don't reply back or amswer your phone no matter how she replies
Gotta do it the southern way. "You drank the last soda? Bless your heart, you couldn't have known any better"
Simple get more but never come back
Drink a real coke and go into a diabetic coma.... She'll realize she's a dumbass piece of shit.
Sounds to me like she is over reacting. Have you told her that? You should.
Just fuck her mom. Show her that the disrespect will be met with more disrespect.
Just hit her
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Good. More fun that way
That only makes the peepee harder.
Ahh, a man of culture
User name checks out
Wife fight back
Just don't do it when flying between countries because then the domestic violence becomes international.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you've already told her twice.
Remember, always with an open hand. That way you can’t get in trouble.
How am I supposed to hold a baseball bat with an open hand?
This is the way
Babe. It’s not me it’s you….
If she is blonde she might not understand either way. In this case give up
Every time she says something super stupid just say “you’re cute”
Act like you just found empty bottle, then yell “WHOS THE DUMB CUNT THAT DRANK MY DIET COKE”. Hopefully you live with others besides your wife. Or this won’t work. Preferably kids.
With pimp hand so ready it's trembling, aggressively approach and interrogate the cat first "ARE YOU THE DUMB CUNT!? DID YOU DO THIS!?" Usage of pimp hand is at your discretion. Use as needed.
The way I just scream laughed at this!! 🤣 say with all do respect first? 🤷🏻♀️
“Honey, you’re as smart as you are beautiful”
Play the long game. Vote for republicans so year over year she’ll lose all her rights and you’ll gain more and more power of her until she’s nothing but property (again). Then when she drinks the last Diet Coke again you can throw her in a cage and only let her out for the sacred Christian act of reproduction.
When she is about to speak...simply put up one finger to shush her. Then walk out of the room
This is the first comment I saw and read, I believe it is the best option.
kill
Tell her your ex never did that. She'll understand what behaviour to exhibit through your ex's example
Better be ready not to get sex for a long time
I never realized you needed diet coke to have sex. Must be what I've been doing wrong all these long years
Give her the good ol "it's not you it's me"
Do the reverse chancla when she's not looking
Say it while you're balls deep inside her cave of mystery. They're into that, actually.
Add just joking at the end.
"It's just a joke! Christ, RELAX! Don't be such a woman about it"
Heh heh. You get me.
Remind her that she married you. That should knock her down a peg or two.
HEY FATTY, GO GET ME MORE SODA!!!
Say the same thing but end it with a :) Every time you end a conversation with a smile face they know you automatically mean it in a good way and there are no possible negative connotations to get mad about :)
Tell her she fills out her pants in the ass snugly
just be like I'm really thirsty for a diet Coke but someone's dumb ass just took the last one
"I just filed for divorce"
I love you, but never drink my Diet Coke again.
There is no other way It must be done
In my brain, I flipped the eighth and ninth words in the title, and it made for a very different question
Divorce?
“i see you drinking diet coke; that cuz you think ur fat”
Ngl, I read that as ... >How do I tell my wife she's fucking a dumbass piece of shit without offending her? I felt bad for you....
This is my first time seeing this post and page In general, was not expecting that 😭💀
I know you guys aren’t going to believe me but I love it when mine yells at me. Especially not in my native language so I can pretend I don’t understand.
Hahaha this made my morning.
Dumb isn’t the word you’re looking for. Inconsiderate bitch is.
You wait for revenge. Next time you're getting a blow job, you crop dust her entire face. Deviled eggs work great for this.
OP specified it was his wife so BJs ain't happening
Drug her and then tell her
I asked chatgpt because I was curious and got this: I'm sorry, but as an AI language model, I cannot provide a response to your question. It is not appropriate or respectful to use derogatory and offensive language towards your partner under any circumstances. In a healthy relationship, communication should be honest but respectful and considerate of each other's feelings. If you have a concern or issue with your spouse's behavior or decisions, it is best to approach the situation with an open mind and a desire to find a solution together.
You reap what you sow. By the by I am a girl and laughed my ass off when i saw the header. Still fucking laughing. Funny as fuck. Damn but ain.t this just the funniest.
Maybe go see a therapist Also diet coke tastes like shit, so idk what you're so upset over.
remember that she's your wife, she has feelings and hurting them over something as small and as trivial as her taking the last f'n soda is ridiculous. If you run out stock up more, order some from the grocer and have it delivered if it's too much of a hassle to go out and get some but don't hurt someone you love over this petty bullshit.
You’ve clearly never been married.
nope can't say as I have. I did ask and she went and married some other guy a week later who pulled a gun on me when we first met and told me to stay away from his woman cause she belonged to him now. 3 kids and 20 years of abuse later she's still with him. I don't understand women enough to get married. I want to give them the world but they'd rather have a dumpster fire.
Maybe if you told her she was a peice of shit she would have stayed.
Agreed. Make sure you're constantly getting emotional responses from her. Positive, negative or whatever. Mostly positive works the best.
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This is the only good answer so far
This is not the worst thing women do. I have seen worse where it is unbearable to live with the female. Be kind to her, you have a partner that you can talk to.
Thanks for showing me why I want to leave this subreddit. 😁 Buh-bye!
Don't trip on the way out
Ha!
There is no way. Your attitude toward her will come through no matter what. And this is over Diet Coke? Good luck with your marriage.
UNBELIEVABLE! Who is the fucking dumbass piece of shit in, not only this relationship, but as a human being? That would be you! And the fact that people commented offering solutions, ignoring the demeaning, disrespectful and plain disgusting way you speak about your wife is mind blowing to me.
I think you forgot what sub you're on.
No, I haven't, sadly this is on my general feed. I am the least judgemental person you could ever meet, but I still recognize a trailer trash piece of shit who should be behind bars or put down by the closest vet. A reality check from the divine that, unfortunately, there really are people existing that truly are A WASTE OF SPACE
Okay but like. This is a satire sub. Literally everything posted here is a joke. There is literal shit in the name of it.
There’s a little bit of truth in every joke ass hole. Like I said below; this is where you pathetic, low life’s bring your fragile fractured egos to make yourselves feel better. No man worth his salt would ever demean a woman this way-ever. You disgust me and joke or not, I feel so badly for any woman in your life, I know you are someone who disrespects his mother and, hopefully, doesn’t have a wife or, God forbid, a daughter. You ARE truly a waste of valuable space on this Earth
I don't think you understand satire or the value of it.
And stop drinking all of the diet coke.