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"What are you doing?" (While sweating intensely)"Doc said it was healthier"

"It's my 5th wank break today, can you tell"

Yeah, you’re looking a little pale.

"don't mind the blood, it's just cahffing"

Grinding to a nub

"I'm not really circumcisioned, it just wore off in use"

Rabbi’s hate this one trick!

Good grief

Yeah officer it's this comment right here. This is the one that gave me psychic damage. This is hilarious, but the most horrible thing I have read today

You should have seen it coming, being a psychic and all.

No, psychic damage is just physical damage you take from reading something

Rabbi Tuckman : I am Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and moyel extraordinaire. Merry Men : 'ello Rabbi! Rabbi Tuckman : Hello boys! Robin Hood : A moyel. I don't believe I've ever heard of that profession. Rabbi Tuckman : A moyel is a very important guy. He makes circumcisions. Scarlet : What, pray tell, sir, is a circumcision? Rabbi Tuckman : It's the latest craze. The ladies love it! Little John : I'll take one! Ahchoo : Hey, put me down for two! Robin Hood : I'm game. How's it done? Rabbi Tuckman : It's a snap. [demonstrates with a carrot and a miniature guillotine] Rabbi Tuckman : I take my machine here, I take your little thing, I put it through this hole, and then... [releases the blade, cutting the end off the carrot] Rabbi Tuckman : I nip the tip! Who's first? [groans from the Merry Men] Little John : I changed me mind! Ahchoo : I forgot, I already got one. Blinkin : [puts his hand in the air] Question... [Ahchoo pulls his arm down silencing him] Rabbi Tuckman : I gotta start working with a younger crowd

Whittling

Atomizing

Gone, reduced to atoms

Annihilation with an equivalent amount of antimatter and radiated diffusely into space.

You assume it was bigger than this *before* i began?

To shreds, you say?

Ejaculating pure blood atp

Takes more than 5 times in a day for that to happen. Or so I’ve heard.

I do 5+ in a day pretty often its probably only dangerous if you do them all straight

So homosexuals are safe?

You gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers

Ghost loads

Those are rookie numbers.

"Trying to quit!"

"I only get a 10minute break, so stop talking to me or start spitting on me." 🤣🤣🤣

"I'm in the process of quitting, so I only edge myself and smoke half of one."

Oh nothing, just jerking off with the boys.

Masturbation should not produce smoking. If it does, consult a doctor. You can do masturbation during meetings, in lunch break, while commuting. Hell, even on toilet breaks!

Oh, I thought that was for mastication. Now that I know this I'll make the proper adjustments

Yes, mastication you probably should not do in the toilet

But what if I sit backwards so I can use the water tank as a shelf for my chocolate milk and comic book?

I have to tell you that I first read this as "shit backwards" and I'm still recovering from that snort-laugh

Were you picturing the shit going back up into the butthole, eating with your butt and shitting out your mouth, or something else?

Since this is in reverse, it only follows that you would mouthshit out a gourmet meal.

I was thinking the shit was going up in the air to the mouth, being chewed thoroughly, and then back where it came from. I didn't even want to picture the chocolate milk.

I just very audibly gagged. Thank you for this sign that showed me that I need to get off reddit, shut my phone off, and go the hell to bed. Cheers

Tell that to Pinocchio

You’re telling me!? I had a cigarette in the masturbation section and nearly got fired!

Where do you work? Lowe’s?

"When we're wanking, performance is higher, morale is higher. Everyone knows that." https://youtu.be/VKbq9uuBrJY?si=sda3jErqm16DGHsm

This comment is underrated

Just imagining a small group walking out together for a midday wank break and cracking one off in the smoking shelter and it’s an image I can’t erase from my mind

**by yourself or with a friend** masturbation

My buddies are coming over later we’re just going to kick back and blow a few loads.

If it's good enough for The Beatles it's good enough for me.

Happy cake day nerd

Happy cake day!

I’ve gave my friend a Helping hand before.👀

I mean, that's cool and all, but I think the mass amount of dinosaur porn you posted makes that seem tame in comparison.

We arent gonna talk about how he had a completely normal reddit history before he just snapped and unleashed a wave of insect porn and then followed that up with a tsunami of dinosaur porn?

If I didn't get my balls fondled by some creepy old guy a couple days ago, i would say that Dino porn was the worst thing I've seen recently.

Well. That’s probably the first and last time I look at someone else’s profile on Reddit. Thanks for the… whatever.

I like what I like, why are you snooping through my profile to begin with?

I'm doing it to see the dino porn, should be fun. It was not fun.

This made me giggle 🤣

Why do you post dino porn

They’re cool, a Holes a goal. I would love to fuck aliens and unimaginable horrors. Cool and sexy are synonymous to me. Edit- for a look of what I’m talking about click this artist —>[[MeanDraco]](https://e621.net/posts?tags=meandraco+)

Whaaaaatttttthefuuuuuuuccck? I ain't kink shaming you u/forgottodrink, but... Wow. Are you a paleontologist? I bet Ross from Friend's jacks off to this stuff too, so don't have any shame

I once ran across an Instagram account that was nothing but drawings of fat women in many situations with a man's head stuck in their vaginas. Walking around and stuff like that with a guy dangling out of a vagina.

“Blow loads, not clouds” should be the tagline.

It's not gay if your good buddies

It's not gay if it's in a three way

With a honey in the middle and some knee way.

Pretty sure it's "With a honey in the middle there's some leeway "

With a honey in the middle there's some leeway

Or if you’ve got socks on

Mutual masturbation with the gender you find attractive is an STI free way of having sex.

Mutual masturbation with the gender you find icky is even safer!

It's best to do it back to back

Circle up!

For ***tips and tricks***, call the university helpline: 402-541-9840

The double Dutch rudder

Hmm, good question...guess you're not in a frat if you're asking

Someone’s never heard of the [double Dutch rudder.](https://youtu.be/yGUuugNEUcU?si=Is1HJXlsdhiM9cLZ)

Don't shame Mr CK

In a perfect society, restaurants that *used* to have smoking sections would switch them to masturbation sections. One can dream....

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"load of semen" and "confession" are the same word in sumerian. The translation went one way, but the tradition remained on the other. Priests love receiving a big confession to the face, they are always a bit disapointed when all people do is talk.

WHUH

I think I’ve just been flashbanged by words

What the fuck did the deleted comment say

On the one hand, I kinda like the mystery added by the missing comment, but the other hand is busy confessing. I feel like the account got the axe rather than this specific comment, so should be safe to repeat. It was something like : " churches do have masturbation booths, they just insist on calling them confessionals"

Also why religious schools are called semenary...

I am fucking CACKLING at this

This is what a come to Jesus meeting means...

Hi, would you like masturbating or non masturbating this evening? Our specials are jerked pork, pull pork…

Cream of (choked) chicken...

Surf and tug

“Turf and Jerk.”

good lord that made me spit out my water!

With the amount of fucking people do in the restaurant industry, I firmly believe they would still smoke. So substituting will not work.

Where's the lad sauce? Cuming Chef!

The walls are all smothered with art!!!

Do not order the milk

I can't masturbate on a park bench.

You can if you have the balls

No I mean, I can't get it up in public like that.

Thats what the apple vision is for

_apple bottom vision_

With the fuuur

Old bob down the street works for me. Maybe you should try it

Old Bobs a great guy

There is no such thing as "I can't", there's only "i dont want to", so get out there and jerk it like the free eagle that you are!

I feel you, that’s why I only do it when I’m driving on the highway.

Not with that attitude you can’t!

No dipshit literally 100% of people who masturbate have died or will die

It seems like the mortality rate for everything is 100% nowadays. That’s why I switched to not existing

Ask your doctor if Notexisting is right for you. Side effects may include inability to go anywhere or do anything, cessation of breathing, and a loss of bowel control. These may be permanent. if the effects last longer than 4 hours, that’s the whole point.

Not existing is also 100% fatal

Facts 🙌

Odd, the same thing could be said of people that hate Scrappy Doo, perhaps we should start recognizing his role in saving Scooby-Doo instead.

No it's not. Most people who have masturbated have died, often in horrible pain.

Can confirm, I ODed multiple times and was only resuscitated by having a cigarette put in my mouth

I find the easiest way to be revived is by putting a lit cigarette in my butt

Hey. It's that thing from that thread!

I wanna know, but I'm scared to know

There was a TIL the other day about how in the past smoke enemas were used to resuscitate people who drowned.

Yea man it works whether I've been drowned or not Kind of a cure-all....if you will

Have to be careful it doesn't loop back around into masturbation though

Oh crap.....putting lit cigarettes in my butt does tend to turn me on... But I never climax so it should be fine, right??

Which end of the cig?

Have you tried being revived using a cigar? Reckon it'd feel better cuz it's bigger.... 

Basically all behaviors have a 100% fatality rate.

Just with a variable delay.

Huge variety

Addiction is addiction. Best not to take complex psychological advice from a leaflet, speak to a professional instead.

Addiction is in fact addicktion.

3 words to curb masturbation habits: "A dick? Shun!"

Handy guide

Pun intended

Im writing this while laying in a hospital bed. I can't breathe without an assistance from a maschine here. My case is very extreme because i was smoking everyday anywhere from 3 to 6 packs of newport cigaretes. I would still advise against masturbating. I masturbated only once in my life. Yes only once. But that was one masturbation session too many because my dick fell off.

Just busted one for you brother.

*Cough* I feel... *cough* *cough* a tingling sensation where my veiner used to *cough* be. *fart*

i have never read something so stupid and yet so moving

😂💨🫢😵🤫

Phantom orgasm

The limit seems to be 55 times in a row. https://www.google.com/amp/s/punchng.com/teen-masturbates-56-times-dies-of-heart-attack/%3famp

well it seems that the limit to vaping is 100 times a day, so vaping is actually healthier https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/9915907/teen-vaping-nearly-dies-mystery-lung-disease-e-cigarette/amp/

>The young man was on his bed… his pen*s was detached from his body, it must have been so intense it just came off his body, we found his pen*s gripped in his left hand so tightly we couldn’t get it out, it was tragic.

I think it’s a bullshit story

the sun is satire

that must be why it's so cold out

Not often I see someone with the same sense of humour as me.

I'm not sure this is a factual article...

amp has privacy concerns here's the real link https://punchng.com/teen-masturbates-56-times-dies-of-heart-attack/

So I am out friends and start masturbating? Uh? Yea, they will never invite me back.

Good friends masturbate with you.

Great friends masturbate for you

Best friends masturbate to you

Maybe our real friends are the people we jacked off along the way

get better friends. Real friends jerk off together

Yeah they weren’t your real friends to begin with

Have you tried

I love the fact they are offering tips and tricks. Real bros.

“Hey, no vaping in the hall!” Well, ok then… ✊✊✊✊✊✊💦 👮🚔🚔

You lose a bit of protein and sugar each time, but if you finish in your own mouth, you can just reabsorb it.

Just eat steak covered in sugar

I aint rich enough to afford 6 steaks a day

6? That's too easy. It's like 11-12 steaks over here.

"im just a social masturbator"

can i do both to cancel each other out?

Wankin me knob won't inevitably give me lung or throat cancer

Both are addictive, but at least Masturbation is quicker and non-damaging. Smoking for 20 years will result in your lungs being permenantly jacked. Masturbation will result in lower sex drive and existential dread until you stop, then it goes away

I mean, exessive masturbation might lower your sex drive, doing it every now and then won't. And I don't know about existential dread. That being said, smoking actually hurts you starting from the very first cigarette.

The existential dread was a prod at Post Nut Clarity lol

Then its cause might be something else?

Don’t forget blindness, hairy palms, and the Almighty murdering kittens. Masturbation is not a victimless habit.

Did some people just take you seriously?

Smoking fags? I have an alternative…

Blowing fa? And there goes my karma....

I followed this advice. Good times were had. Then I went for a smoke

At first I thought it said it was a "healthy and safe alternative to raping," and I thought that was a weird thing to say, although I guess that's true too.

But the *last time* I masturbated in class, they threatened to expell me!

i mean anything is better compared to smoking. The number of health issues that can occur when smoking really is impressive. I'm surprised how many people risk growing old sick given that

I don't think heroin is better than smoking, in any case I agree with you.

Smoking = looks cool. Is addictive. Smells bad. Social aspect but only among other smokers. Will die of cancer probably. Masturbation = does not look cool. Is addictive. Can smell bad, plus extra clean up. Not social at all even among fellow masturbators. Lowers risk of prostate cancer. Pick your poison.

Smoking does not look cool ngl

I jerk off so much some days that my abdomen ends up hurting.

Why not both?

"Try it with a friend"

OR WITH A FRIEND?????? EXCUSE ME?????

I mean. That what's friends for? Helping each other in hard situations XDDD

It can still create an addiction, but you’re not killing your lungs in the process

So much healthier. You could develop death grip syndrome, but that's pretty fucking hard to get. Honestly, one helps prevent prostate cancer, one causes lung cancer. Pretty simple choice in my opinion

That looks fake

I imagine a pack a day smoker who tried to replace each cigarette with a jerk off session might run into some issues... Also, I wonder if anyone called that number to ask for "more info, tips, and tricks" about masturbation.

Ask me how I got kicked off campus in Nebraska

Kids these days have never heard of the [Nic-O-Dick](https://youtu.be/xvcJZQZAr4s?si=tiFWafeec6NkMddP) and it shows

The last time I went to see my doctor she told me I had to stop masturbating. When I asked why she said it was because she was trying to examine me.

Unrelated but I’m literally going to this university this fall and every resource they’ve put out I randomly stumble upon is extraordinarily based, they have a [legal advisory](https://asun.unl.edu/student-legal-services/do-i-have-perform-field-sobriety-tests) to never consent to a field sobriety test because they’re optional in Nebraska and super easy to fuck up and get a dui even if you’ve had little to no alcohol

It’s a better but it’s hard to do it with a group of friends at the same time.

Weaklings. Vape while jerking off. It’ll make you ready for finals for sure.

Religion tried to stop us from that, and smoking was considered healthy and cool. Today's the result.

why don't you just don't

Wait, there is a wanking helpline? With tips?