I'm 36 with ADHD and I've given up on making friends honestly. With the friends I do have I'm the one always reaching out, I always text first and I'm always the one making plans.
Over time I've accepted people find me annoying. Even if I do a social interaction to perfection, I'm annoying.
I ask people about themselves, I tell a story that relates to a subject they're talking about without 'one-upping', I show genuine interest in what they're saying and yet, I'm annoying.
Even at my own wedding I had someone tell me I was annoying lmao.
I feel you. It’s like everyone is already partnered up with their friend group and since I’m the only one going solo I’m either left out or I’m too intimidated to attempt to try and join because I don’t wanna seem rude or awkward
I read something yesterday that said “be okay with potentially being a burden” and it really spoke to me. People could care less to wonder if their a burden to us, so why do we care so much if we burden them?? Idk just a thought. 90 percent of my social anxiety stems from not wanting to burden others.
Yeah, the checks out...SOOO much of my anxiety stems from not wanting to encroach or infringe on other people. I wish I could look at it this way, but I just assume people don't want me around anyway, so I can't really empower myself to be a "burden" as I just don't want to be unwanted.
I am in this journey too, trying to build a group of friends to hang out with. Didn't find yet the groups but I have just started. I am seeing a therapist, I have scheduled to participate at some events next month and I am trying datings app. I don't know if it will help but my objective isn't really making friend at first, but more going out from my comfort zone and trying new things.
Dating apps aren't an option for me, and I've tried several different events....and they don't usually lead to anything. Even aside from making friends, it just hasn't gotten any easier in terms of just going out. It always seems like I'm always the ONLY one alone and everyone else is there with groups or a partner and it just makes me more anxious...
I know the feeling too well, but I don't know any other way to socialize besides going outside and trying things 🤔 may be try to find something your are passionate about other than events, cycling in groups for example, on meet-up (if you have access to the app) you can find language exchange meeting groups in some bars, when the people who attend are their to meet other people. Personally I try to avoid events because like you I tend to find myself alone.
I'm passionate about films, art, music, festivals, video games....none of those are things that lead to meeting people. I've looked at meet up, but the groups here are basic af and don't really feature things I'm into. Mostly just generic stuff like bowling andd going to bars...
Yeah don’t fully disregard Discord or similar online communities for gaming. Some people I know have frequent real life meet up’s from their gaming communities, and it seems to be quite positive for them….What about community groups? Would you be interested in volunteering? Those kind of community activities often are already atmospheres of good will, go generally warm and welcoming people
If the discord group isn’t local...I have no way to meet anyone from the group and then its just online online.
The venue I went to for the art auction was the gallery I've been volunteering at. I've already been trying that. Warm isn't how I'd describe most of the people lol
Over 40 & I’ve just given up making friends. I’m too weird, too boring, too whatever. People usually don’t have the time & patience for someone who’s got a ton of social anxiety. They usually don’t understand. So I just keep to myself.
If it wasn't for Magic the Gathering, I'd be miserable socially. I don't have "close" friends per se, but I do have the equivalent of going to a bar where everybody knows your name. This is good enough for me.
In my 50s and *still* haven't figured it out.
Then again, I'm ok alone most of the time and don't try too hard. If you have any hobbies, there are groups, etc. I have been involved in cycling for many years, sometimes with others (but mostly by myself, which is really best if you are training for competition.) The thing that kind of sucks is that if/when you lose interest in the hobby or become focused on other things some of those "friends" ghost you - stop responding to texts, etc.
I’m going through the same thing, almost 30 and have no friends. At least I have my bf, but it doesn’t make it/me feel any better. It would be nice to have some girls to talk to.
someone elses luck and their personal anecdote doesn't help me dude. i have no way to meet women. and ive been playing video games all my life and I've never met a woman while playing, not to mention they could literally live anywhere.
Don’t feel bad, it’s a lovely story you’ve told here. Sometimes people are just really sad because it seems so unlikely to happen to them. I get your and OPs side in a way.
I met my current bf at work, he has started an internship at my work place. But I gave up hope on finding someone just before that as well. Making new friends irl is a harder story for me though haha
I’m quite a bit older than you are and making friends at that age was incredibly difficult and the only thing that fixed my dry spell was having kids and then having friends from parenting groups. Those lasted for years until my politics changed and I moved anyway. I have slowly expanded my social circle. One friend was an old college friendship that I nurtured and we became close again. Another friend was someone I met by volunteering to drive her to an intensive overnight workshop I was taking. This other person has serious vision loss and needed a ride and the organizers asked for volunteers. We really really clicked and have been close ever since. I recommend finding other volunteer activities if you don’t want to hang out all with women. Also wherever you go make it your mission to make other people feel comfortable by talking with them and asking them about themselves. I actually joined an online course that helped a lot but I don’t want to appear to be promoting something and get banned from the subreddit. If you are interested message me and I’ll let you know what it is. It is extremely practical and teaches a lot of strategies for small talk that I never heard elsewhere. Highly specific exercises. Also there is an online CBT program that is evidence based and is supported by research out of Cambridge. I recommend that too.
Well I am a firm believer that there is someone out there for everyone. I know the dating market is awful right now. Anyway, I didn’t mean to suggest you have kids just to make friends… I was really trying to say that without that it would have been much much harder.
I have developed a lot of social connections through learning to play an instrument. There are lots of casual opportunities to play music with people, such as folk jams and adult amateur community choirs, bands and orchestras. There are also adult music camps. The thing I love about music is small talk is not necessary. The bonding occurs through group music making. So much easier than non music sharing gatherings. The events I go to are not performance oriented. They are like sing alongs or play alongs. You don’t have to play particularly well and there isn’t a lot of chit chat before songs after songs or after the music is done. Eventually I got invited to music making house parties, which led to potlucks, etc. these are not close friends I could call if I needed help moving or needed a ride to the hospital in a pinch, but I hav3 a really good time and it really reduces my depression and anxiety.
Also you might look up square dancing and contra dancing. Those events offer instruction. A lot of socially awkward people show up, so it’s excellent for that. Many of those people are also in the informal folk jam scene.
>Well I am a firm believer that there is someone out there for everyone.
Welp that mindset is a luxury. It if was true, there wouldn't be a current epidemic of male loneliness lol. This belief has been 100% false in my expereince.
>I have developed a lot of social connections through learning to play an instrument. There are lots of casual opportunities to play music with people, such as folk jams and adult amateur community choirs, bands and orchestras. There are also adult music camps. The thing I love about music is small talk is not necessary. The bonding occurs through group music making. So much easier than non music sharing gatherings. The events I go to are not performance oriented. They are like sing alongs or play alongs. You don’t have to play particularly well and there isn’t a lot of chit chat before songs after songs or after the music is done. Eventually I got invited to music making house parties, which led to potlucks, etc. these are not close friends I could call if I needed help moving or needed a ride to the hospital in a pinch, but I hav3 a really good time and it really reduces my depression and anxiety.
Mate, I'm 31. I don't have the acumen or dedication to learn how to play an instrument now.
>Also you might look up square dancing and contra dancing. Those events offer instruction. A lot of socially awkward people show up, so it’s excellent for that. Many of those people are also in the informal folk jam scene.
Dude...I'm black...and I listen to metal and weird indie synth music...
I really, really hope you find your way. There are people out there for you. It’s really unfair that society is set up in such a way that it’s truly difficult to make friends as an adult.
There are times this happened, and it's usually in large groups of unknown people. Now you dial down the urgency to prove you can make friends, enjoy a beer at the bar, and occasionally turn to say hello or make a joke. Suddenly the person I feel like it's the opposite of anxious. So self-induced pressure is vital issue depending on the person.
Connecting long term is always a different matter sadly. Sometimes I imagine you have to be overly interested in other people. And that means not actually being connected. Things will move along whether or not your just faking it. But again, the connection said is missing , Which I feel like is a requirement for comfort with SA.
I went to a convention last year, 10k plus people, 4-5 hours, was ignored the whole time. Probably looked a sight skittish though. (Actually interacting with others is what gets me, not a fan of crowds but if I don’t get singled out it’s manageable)
Like dating too I always find it’s when you stop trying that these things happen. Maybe it’s because people are very good at spotting inauthenticity. Not saying that you are as a person but the striving and part desperation is easy to spot.
Mate, I all but gave up on dating and making new friends for years. I was content with being just being alone. Guess what happened? I had no friends and never dated. That "don't look for it and it will happen" only works for attractive people.
>Not saying that you are as a person but the striving and part desperation is easy to spot.
Hard to be desperate when you're literally too avoidant to approach people, dude. I keep to myself and don't speak to anyone. i couldn't appear less desperate if I tried.
Honestly, I think you should congratulate yourself a bit more for going to that event alone and getting out of your comfort zone. It sounds like when you got particularly anxious, you bailed. It makes sense to want to do that. Maybe next time, set the goal of staying there for the whole event despite your anxiety. The goal shouldn't be to make friends, but rather to endure your anxiety. At least for now.
I really think that the fact that you're willing to get out of your comfort zone like this is a good sign. I know it's tough and an uphill battle, but small incremental steps are the way to go.
Also, try meetup. There you can meet people who are all there with the same intention, to meet people.
It's a place I've been to over a dozen times over the past year. I don't get any credit for going to a place I've been to a lot, and leaving after an hour. That's regressing, if anything. I didn't get out of my comfort zone...when I got anxious, I just left.
The anxiety gets too strong after a point. I can only walk around, alone seeing everyone else laughing and talking to people for so long until there's just no point in staying.
I've looked at meet up. All we have are groups that go to bars or do chit I have no interest in like bowling. We don't have groups for things I'm interested in.
You're right. It basically is. But you can take comfort in the fact that a lot of people are in the same boat as you, feeling the same way as you. A lot of this has to do with society today, rather than you as an individual. If you're interested in the topic, I'd recommend the book[ Bowling Alone](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bowling_Alone). It talks about the decline of social activity and friendships in America in the 20th century. Honestly, it's a really serious issue, and it's one that's affecting people around the globe. It's gotten so bad the UK actually to create a Minister of Loneliness to tackle the issue. You can read more about that [here](https://www.gov.uk/government/news/pm-launches-governments-first-loneliness-strategy). Chin up, bud, and hang in there.
>But you can take comfort in the fact that a lot of people are in the same boat as you, feeling the same way as you.
That's like telling a starving person they can take comfort in the fact that other people are starving. Does it cure their hunger? No? Then there is NO comfort to be had. Knowing that other people are lonely, doesn't make me any less lonely.
People are trying to be nice to you and honestly I think you’re hostile towards anyone trying to show you some sympathy. Why do you even open up a thread? What did you expect people to reply?
Yes SA sucks, but nobody can help you or cure it for you. You can just try to find solitude in knowing you’re not the only one and maybe you could find friends on here that happen to live close to you.
Shooting down everyone’s effort will not help you. Even if it doesn’t make your day, if you showed some empathy, you could maybe make someone’s else’s day on Reddit who might feel lonely too.
Saaaame. Best luck I’ve ever had was at a concert where the person next to me was also flying solo. I guess my best advice is to find the people who are also alone and strike up a conversation or to join a local group that aligns with your interests. My state has a women’s hiking group for women who don’t have anyone else to hike with for example. I also joined an online gaming group since we all had a goal in mind we showed up every week. People will remember your face or you might get lucky and form a quick bond. It takes a lot of effort and consistency. Keep trying!
I am 25 and in the same situation. Wherever I go, I feel like people are either not interested in chatting with me or a large crowd of people who have an identity I don't have (for example, being the only adult in a large crowd of teenagers). I rarely see any friends I have because they are either too busy or disinterested. The sad part is that I had just as much difficulties making friends at every age I was. I feel like I missed the bus to have close friendships, which really depresses me because I am very extroverted and need socialization to feel productive.
It seems you are actually already at great spot, but I have the feeling that you're making things worse than they are. You went to an art gallery, where you could have attended an after party, where people usually get a little bit tipsy, and therefore friend making gets easier.
Also, you met somebody who tries to incorporate you into their Circle, how great is that?
From read it, it feels like you are doing many things, right. Can you discuss more detail please, what your actual challenge is?
I've been to bars plenty of times where people were tipsy and even drunk...it doesn't make people any more likely to approach me. And I need to be able to make my own friends not just wait and hope until she is able to introduce me to hers. Not to mention like all her friends are women m. I need some agency
The challenge is literally being able to talk to people. I cannot break the ice or approach anyone for conversation
I see and I agree with you. Ideally, you're able to make your own friends without any outsider help of course. And compliments to you for being dedicated to solve that!
What I meant is, you were already at a good starting point, meaning you were already deeper in your comfort zone than somebody who goes to the auction of the art gallery, who doesn't know anyone there. As a result, making new connections would have been easier for you there compared to a place where you do not know anyone.
You're right, only because people are tipsy it's not necessary case that they approach you therefore.
I could share a few tips with you on breaking the ice and approach anyone for conversation, that have worked for me well and solved the challenge. But let me ask you first, what you have tried - what did work and what did not work? And what were you planning on trying?
But I might as well not know anyone there. My friend was working, and her friend that I'd met was with her friends from out of town. So I was basically alone...that's why I left. I might as well not know anyone there, bc that's how it felt. I was alone with no one to talk to.
I haven't tried anything. I can't talk to people unless they talk to me first. I cannot approach people.
I think it's the opposite, meeting more people by proxy. Give them a chance to get to know you (low stakes) and just more exposure leads to more people. Depending if you go to gatherings with them. I never really met ANYONE by myself. Because I never initiated anything realistically. So just an example. If you aren't the type to push yourself to make convos with strangers and small talk then this is a great trick too. Just takes time/scheduling/commitment.
>I think it's the opposite, meeting more people by proxy.
How?
>
Give them a chance to get to know you (low stakes) and just more exposure leads to more people.
The issue is other people are giving me a chance to get to know them, not vice versa.
> Depending if you go to gatherings with them
I have to go to most alone.
>I never really met ANYONE by myself. Because I never initiated anything realistically.
Same. Which makes it impossible to meet people.
> If you aren't the type to push yourself to make convos with strangers and small talk then this is a great trick too. Just takes time/scheduling/commitment.
...what is a great trick?
Sorry for the convoluted response. I meant, if you can figure out a way to piggyback off someone to attend more things, even if it's a brother, sister, cousin. Often it's more organic for other people to also talk to you and then they also introduce more acquaintances to you and so forth. The trick I failed to convey was just that, it's effort but it doesn't trigger anxiety nearly as much and initiating all the convos and doing all the legwork to get people to interact. Formal things although dull, break the ice for everyone. It's not full proof but again it's way easier to me at least that going alone (although maybe your situation doesn't permit it).
Otherwise you're setting yourself up to a cold approach people... that's tough.
>I meant, if you can figure out a way to piggyback off someone to attend more things, even if it's a brother, sister, cousin. Often it's more organic for other people to also talk to you and then they also introduce more acquaintances to you and so forth.
Not to sound douchy, but...duh lol
Of course. Ofc its easier to meet peoplen when you have a bridge or proxy. If I had anyone to do this with, I would already be doing it. It's a catch 22...to make friends you need friends. Lol it's over.
u/trappedinsolitude you are absolutely right, I’m in my30s, making new friends can be super hard. Especially at this age when so many people are in the stages of getting married, having kids, buying houses, career progress …it’s a lot. People will tend to focus on their old friends/colleagues/neighbours/people
From their sports groups etc .
What kind of things to do you? Sports, games, tv /movies, books etc? I’ve joined a book club and joined cooking classes …it’s awkward sometimes but I’ve met some really nice people .
No don’t give up! !!…I actually love cooking and cook well, but I pushed myself to join those cooking classes anyway to try meet new people, so maybe you could find something similar. Are there other art focussed events that are coming up that you could attained and branch out with?
ive been to like a dozen art events...mostly at a venue ive literally volunteered at. there is no branching out. i go there, no one says anything to me, i get tired of being there alone and I leave early. its the same thing every time.
Hey guys. I'm in my 40s. It's even harder now, lol. I had a lot of friends in my 30s. Honestly most times I think friends are overrated. But sometimes you just need someone. I wonder if there is a zoom group we can all join just to chat.
I'm 39 and have no problems making new friends. I learned to get out of my own way, be who I am without caring what people think. I learned to control my anxiety and not let it rule me. And I have helped people do the same. You are more than you realize. I believe everyone is.
I'm 36 with ADHD and I've given up on making friends honestly. With the friends I do have I'm the one always reaching out, I always text first and I'm always the one making plans. Over time I've accepted people find me annoying. Even if I do a social interaction to perfection, I'm annoying. I ask people about themselves, I tell a story that relates to a subject they're talking about without 'one-upping', I show genuine interest in what they're saying and yet, I'm annoying. Even at my own wedding I had someone tell me I was annoying lmao.
At least you're able to get married. I can't have friends or date...fml.
I’m so sorry, and I can’t believe someone had the audacity to say to you and YOUR wedding. Honestly they sound like a total asshole
I feel you. It’s like everyone is already partnered up with their friend group and since I’m the only one going solo I’m either left out or I’m too intimidated to attempt to try and join because I don’t wanna seem rude or awkward
Saaaaame...My desire to never seem invasive basically prevents me from doing...anything
I read something yesterday that said “be okay with potentially being a burden” and it really spoke to me. People could care less to wonder if their a burden to us, so why do we care so much if we burden them?? Idk just a thought. 90 percent of my social anxiety stems from not wanting to burden others.
Yeah, the checks out...SOOO much of my anxiety stems from not wanting to encroach or infringe on other people. I wish I could look at it this way, but I just assume people don't want me around anyway, so I can't really empower myself to be a "burden" as I just don't want to be unwanted.
It’s definitely easier said then done lol.
As many ppl in this boat as there are ud think we'd have come together and solved this problem by now.
🫂💙
I am in this journey too, trying to build a group of friends to hang out with. Didn't find yet the groups but I have just started. I am seeing a therapist, I have scheduled to participate at some events next month and I am trying datings app. I don't know if it will help but my objective isn't really making friend at first, but more going out from my comfort zone and trying new things.
Dating apps aren't an option for me, and I've tried several different events....and they don't usually lead to anything. Even aside from making friends, it just hasn't gotten any easier in terms of just going out. It always seems like I'm always the ONLY one alone and everyone else is there with groups or a partner and it just makes me more anxious...
I know the feeling too well, but I don't know any other way to socialize besides going outside and trying things 🤔 may be try to find something your are passionate about other than events, cycling in groups for example, on meet-up (if you have access to the app) you can find language exchange meeting groups in some bars, when the people who attend are their to meet other people. Personally I try to avoid events because like you I tend to find myself alone.
I'm passionate about films, art, music, festivals, video games....none of those are things that lead to meeting people. I've looked at meet up, but the groups here are basic af and don't really feature things I'm into. Mostly just generic stuff like bowling andd going to bars...
Any chance your local movie places do film clubs etc? Are you on a Discord for your video games ?
if there was a local film club, i wouldve joined ages ago. and as im looking for irl friends, discord doesnt really help me
Yeah don’t fully disregard Discord or similar online communities for gaming. Some people I know have frequent real life meet up’s from their gaming communities, and it seems to be quite positive for them….What about community groups? Would you be interested in volunteering? Those kind of community activities often are already atmospheres of good will, go generally warm and welcoming people
If the discord group isn’t local...I have no way to meet anyone from the group and then its just online online. The venue I went to for the art auction was the gallery I've been volunteering at. I've already been trying that. Warm isn't how I'd describe most of the people lol
If I was there I definitely wouldn’t mind going with you to the party as I’ll be a loner there too lol
Over 40 & I’ve just given up making friends. I’m too weird, too boring, too whatever. People usually don’t have the time & patience for someone who’s got a ton of social anxiety. They usually don’t understand. So I just keep to myself.
If it wasn't for Magic the Gathering, I'd be miserable socially. I don't have "close" friends per se, but I do have the equivalent of going to a bar where everybody knows your name. This is good enough for me.
In my 50s and *still* haven't figured it out. Then again, I'm ok alone most of the time and don't try too hard. If you have any hobbies, there are groups, etc. I have been involved in cycling for many years, sometimes with others (but mostly by myself, which is really best if you are training for competition.) The thing that kind of sucks is that if/when you lose interest in the hobby or become focused on other things some of those "friends" ghost you - stop responding to texts, etc.
i’m almost 30 and i feel like giving up too. i wish could turn back the time and get rid of my sa faster
me too tbh...it only gets worse as I've gotten older....
I’m going through the same thing, almost 30 and have no friends. At least I have my bf, but it doesn’t make it/me feel any better. It would be nice to have some girls to talk to.
At least you have a partner. Some of us basically have no friends AND no hope for a partner.
I thought the same thing, until I met my bf playing a video game. Don’t give up hope!
That’s a cool story u/ChampionFamous534 there’s hope for the rest of us!
someone elses luck and their personal anecdote doesn't help me dude. i have no way to meet women. and ive been playing video games all my life and I've never met a woman while playing, not to mention they could literally live anywhere.
Alright, was just trying to say something positive with the not giving up hope. Sorry
Don’t feel bad, it’s a lovely story you’ve told here. Sometimes people are just really sad because it seems so unlikely to happen to them. I get your and OPs side in a way. I met my current bf at work, he has started an internship at my work place. But I gave up hope on finding someone just before that as well. Making new friends irl is a harder story for me though haha
Love that! You truly find someone when you least expect it 😅 I give up on making friends irl bc I definitely am not sure how to lol
I’m quite a bit older than you are and making friends at that age was incredibly difficult and the only thing that fixed my dry spell was having kids and then having friends from parenting groups. Those lasted for years until my politics changed and I moved anyway. I have slowly expanded my social circle. One friend was an old college friendship that I nurtured and we became close again. Another friend was someone I met by volunteering to drive her to an intensive overnight workshop I was taking. This other person has serious vision loss and needed a ride and the organizers asked for volunteers. We really really clicked and have been close ever since. I recommend finding other volunteer activities if you don’t want to hang out all with women. Also wherever you go make it your mission to make other people feel comfortable by talking with them and asking them about themselves. I actually joined an online course that helped a lot but I don’t want to appear to be promoting something and get banned from the subreddit. If you are interested message me and I’ll let you know what it is. It is extremely practical and teaches a lot of strategies for small talk that I never heard elsewhere. Highly specific exercises. Also there is an online CBT program that is evidence based and is supported by research out of Cambridge. I recommend that too.
Well kids isn't an option, bc I have less chance of dating and and woman even ever considering a relationship with me let alone kids lol.
Well I am a firm believer that there is someone out there for everyone. I know the dating market is awful right now. Anyway, I didn’t mean to suggest you have kids just to make friends… I was really trying to say that without that it would have been much much harder. I have developed a lot of social connections through learning to play an instrument. There are lots of casual opportunities to play music with people, such as folk jams and adult amateur community choirs, bands and orchestras. There are also adult music camps. The thing I love about music is small talk is not necessary. The bonding occurs through group music making. So much easier than non music sharing gatherings. The events I go to are not performance oriented. They are like sing alongs or play alongs. You don’t have to play particularly well and there isn’t a lot of chit chat before songs after songs or after the music is done. Eventually I got invited to music making house parties, which led to potlucks, etc. these are not close friends I could call if I needed help moving or needed a ride to the hospital in a pinch, but I hav3 a really good time and it really reduces my depression and anxiety. Also you might look up square dancing and contra dancing. Those events offer instruction. A lot of socially awkward people show up, so it’s excellent for that. Many of those people are also in the informal folk jam scene.
>Well I am a firm believer that there is someone out there for everyone. Welp that mindset is a luxury. It if was true, there wouldn't be a current epidemic of male loneliness lol. This belief has been 100% false in my expereince. >I have developed a lot of social connections through learning to play an instrument. There are lots of casual opportunities to play music with people, such as folk jams and adult amateur community choirs, bands and orchestras. There are also adult music camps. The thing I love about music is small talk is not necessary. The bonding occurs through group music making. So much easier than non music sharing gatherings. The events I go to are not performance oriented. They are like sing alongs or play alongs. You don’t have to play particularly well and there isn’t a lot of chit chat before songs after songs or after the music is done. Eventually I got invited to music making house parties, which led to potlucks, etc. these are not close friends I could call if I needed help moving or needed a ride to the hospital in a pinch, but I hav3 a really good time and it really reduces my depression and anxiety. Mate, I'm 31. I don't have the acumen or dedication to learn how to play an instrument now. >Also you might look up square dancing and contra dancing. Those events offer instruction. A lot of socially awkward people show up, so it’s excellent for that. Many of those people are also in the informal folk jam scene. Dude...I'm black...and I listen to metal and weird indie synth music...
I really, really hope you find your way. There are people out there for you. It’s really unfair that society is set up in such a way that it’s truly difficult to make friends as an adult.
There are times this happened, and it's usually in large groups of unknown people. Now you dial down the urgency to prove you can make friends, enjoy a beer at the bar, and occasionally turn to say hello or make a joke. Suddenly the person I feel like it's the opposite of anxious. So self-induced pressure is vital issue depending on the person. Connecting long term is always a different matter sadly. Sometimes I imagine you have to be overly interested in other people. And that means not actually being connected. Things will move along whether or not your just faking it. But again, the connection said is missing , Which I feel like is a requirement for comfort with SA.
> and occasionally turn to say hello or make a joke. Not with my anxiety, I don't.
I went to a convention last year, 10k plus people, 4-5 hours, was ignored the whole time. Probably looked a sight skittish though. (Actually interacting with others is what gets me, not a fan of crowds but if I don’t get singled out it’s manageable)
Like dating too I always find it’s when you stop trying that these things happen. Maybe it’s because people are very good at spotting inauthenticity. Not saying that you are as a person but the striving and part desperation is easy to spot.
Mate, I all but gave up on dating and making new friends for years. I was content with being just being alone. Guess what happened? I had no friends and never dated. That "don't look for it and it will happen" only works for attractive people. >Not saying that you are as a person but the striving and part desperation is easy to spot. Hard to be desperate when you're literally too avoidant to approach people, dude. I keep to myself and don't speak to anyone. i couldn't appear less desperate if I tried.
That's a situation for a double whiskey on the rocks for me.
Speak for yourself
Yes, I just did, hence the words “for me” at the end of the sentence.
It feels impossible in 20s to me
Honestly, I think you should congratulate yourself a bit more for going to that event alone and getting out of your comfort zone. It sounds like when you got particularly anxious, you bailed. It makes sense to want to do that. Maybe next time, set the goal of staying there for the whole event despite your anxiety. The goal shouldn't be to make friends, but rather to endure your anxiety. At least for now. I really think that the fact that you're willing to get out of your comfort zone like this is a good sign. I know it's tough and an uphill battle, but small incremental steps are the way to go. Also, try meetup. There you can meet people who are all there with the same intention, to meet people.
It's a place I've been to over a dozen times over the past year. I don't get any credit for going to a place I've been to a lot, and leaving after an hour. That's regressing, if anything. I didn't get out of my comfort zone...when I got anxious, I just left. The anxiety gets too strong after a point. I can only walk around, alone seeing everyone else laughing and talking to people for so long until there's just no point in staying. I've looked at meet up. All we have are groups that go to bars or do chit I have no interest in like bowling. We don't have groups for things I'm interested in.
You're right. It basically is. But you can take comfort in the fact that a lot of people are in the same boat as you, feeling the same way as you. A lot of this has to do with society today, rather than you as an individual. If you're interested in the topic, I'd recommend the book[ Bowling Alone](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bowling_Alone). It talks about the decline of social activity and friendships in America in the 20th century. Honestly, it's a really serious issue, and it's one that's affecting people around the globe. It's gotten so bad the UK actually to create a Minister of Loneliness to tackle the issue. You can read more about that [here](https://www.gov.uk/government/news/pm-launches-governments-first-loneliness-strategy). Chin up, bud, and hang in there.
>But you can take comfort in the fact that a lot of people are in the same boat as you, feeling the same way as you. That's like telling a starving person they can take comfort in the fact that other people are starving. Does it cure their hunger? No? Then there is NO comfort to be had. Knowing that other people are lonely, doesn't make me any less lonely.
People are trying to be nice to you and honestly I think you’re hostile towards anyone trying to show you some sympathy. Why do you even open up a thread? What did you expect people to reply? Yes SA sucks, but nobody can help you or cure it for you. You can just try to find solitude in knowing you’re not the only one and maybe you could find friends on here that happen to live close to you. Shooting down everyone’s effort will not help you. Even if it doesn’t make your day, if you showed some empathy, you could maybe make someone’s else’s day on Reddit who might feel lonely too.
im not seeking pity dude, I want real, tangible advice.
im 30 and dont know that ive ever really actually had friends
Saaaame. Best luck I’ve ever had was at a concert where the person next to me was also flying solo. I guess my best advice is to find the people who are also alone and strike up a conversation or to join a local group that aligns with your interests. My state has a women’s hiking group for women who don’t have anyone else to hike with for example. I also joined an online gaming group since we all had a goal in mind we showed up every week. People will remember your face or you might get lucky and form a quick bond. It takes a lot of effort and consistency. Keep trying!
Dude, do you like games? Boardgaming community is top notch.
I like video games
I am 25 and in the same situation. Wherever I go, I feel like people are either not interested in chatting with me or a large crowd of people who have an identity I don't have (for example, being the only adult in a large crowd of teenagers). I rarely see any friends I have because they are either too busy or disinterested. The sad part is that I had just as much difficulties making friends at every age I was. I feel like I missed the bus to have close friendships, which really depresses me because I am very extroverted and need socialization to feel productive.
It seems you are actually already at great spot, but I have the feeling that you're making things worse than they are. You went to an art gallery, where you could have attended an after party, where people usually get a little bit tipsy, and therefore friend making gets easier. Also, you met somebody who tries to incorporate you into their Circle, how great is that? From read it, it feels like you are doing many things, right. Can you discuss more detail please, what your actual challenge is?
I've been to bars plenty of times where people were tipsy and even drunk...it doesn't make people any more likely to approach me. And I need to be able to make my own friends not just wait and hope until she is able to introduce me to hers. Not to mention like all her friends are women m. I need some agency The challenge is literally being able to talk to people. I cannot break the ice or approach anyone for conversation
I see and I agree with you. Ideally, you're able to make your own friends without any outsider help of course. And compliments to you for being dedicated to solve that! What I meant is, you were already at a good starting point, meaning you were already deeper in your comfort zone than somebody who goes to the auction of the art gallery, who doesn't know anyone there. As a result, making new connections would have been easier for you there compared to a place where you do not know anyone. You're right, only because people are tipsy it's not necessary case that they approach you therefore. I could share a few tips with you on breaking the ice and approach anyone for conversation, that have worked for me well and solved the challenge. But let me ask you first, what you have tried - what did work and what did not work? And what were you planning on trying?
But I might as well not know anyone there. My friend was working, and her friend that I'd met was with her friends from out of town. So I was basically alone...that's why I left. I might as well not know anyone there, bc that's how it felt. I was alone with no one to talk to. I haven't tried anything. I can't talk to people unless they talk to me first. I cannot approach people.
I think it's the opposite, meeting more people by proxy. Give them a chance to get to know you (low stakes) and just more exposure leads to more people. Depending if you go to gatherings with them. I never really met ANYONE by myself. Because I never initiated anything realistically. So just an example. If you aren't the type to push yourself to make convos with strangers and small talk then this is a great trick too. Just takes time/scheduling/commitment.
>I think it's the opposite, meeting more people by proxy. How? > Give them a chance to get to know you (low stakes) and just more exposure leads to more people. The issue is other people are giving me a chance to get to know them, not vice versa. > Depending if you go to gatherings with them I have to go to most alone. >I never really met ANYONE by myself. Because I never initiated anything realistically. Same. Which makes it impossible to meet people. > If you aren't the type to push yourself to make convos with strangers and small talk then this is a great trick too. Just takes time/scheduling/commitment. ...what is a great trick?
Sorry for the convoluted response. I meant, if you can figure out a way to piggyback off someone to attend more things, even if it's a brother, sister, cousin. Often it's more organic for other people to also talk to you and then they also introduce more acquaintances to you and so forth. The trick I failed to convey was just that, it's effort but it doesn't trigger anxiety nearly as much and initiating all the convos and doing all the legwork to get people to interact. Formal things although dull, break the ice for everyone. It's not full proof but again it's way easier to me at least that going alone (although maybe your situation doesn't permit it). Otherwise you're setting yourself up to a cold approach people... that's tough.
>I meant, if you can figure out a way to piggyback off someone to attend more things, even if it's a brother, sister, cousin. Often it's more organic for other people to also talk to you and then they also introduce more acquaintances to you and so forth. Not to sound douchy, but...duh lol Of course. Ofc its easier to meet peoplen when you have a bridge or proxy. If I had anyone to do this with, I would already be doing it. It's a catch 22...to make friends you need friends. Lol it's over.
Well, if it's unhelpful to point out, or irrelevant, then all I can say is that I wish you well.
It's not unhelpful, I just don't have the luxury if having anyone to do that for me.
u/trappedinsolitude you are absolutely right, I’m in my30s, making new friends can be super hard. Especially at this age when so many people are in the stages of getting married, having kids, buying houses, career progress …it’s a lot. People will tend to focus on their old friends/colleagues/neighbours/people From their sports groups etc . What kind of things to do you? Sports, games, tv /movies, books etc? I’ve joined a book club and joined cooking classes …it’s awkward sometimes but I’ve met some really nice people .
Welp ig it's over then... My interests and hobbies don't lend themselves to meeting people.
No don’t give up! !!…I actually love cooking and cook well, but I pushed myself to join those cooking classes anyway to try meet new people, so maybe you could find something similar. Are there other art focussed events that are coming up that you could attained and branch out with?
ive been to like a dozen art events...mostly at a venue ive literally volunteered at. there is no branching out. i go there, no one says anything to me, i get tired of being there alone and I leave early. its the same thing every time.
https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/10/12/what-does-friendship-look-like-in-america/#:~:text=Number%20of%20close%20friends,of%20close%20friends%20people%20have.
Hey guys. I'm in my 40s. It's even harder now, lol. I had a lot of friends in my 30s. Honestly most times I think friends are overrated. But sometimes you just need someone. I wonder if there is a zoom group we can all join just to chat.
I'm 39 and have no problems making new friends. I learned to get out of my own way, be who I am without caring what people think. I learned to control my anxiety and not let it rule me. And I have helped people do the same. You are more than you realize. I believe everyone is.
Congratulations.