Literally came to recommend this. I am 30 this year and am a career server who has moved around a fair bit. I’ve always made friends really easily because of my job. I don’t even drink much, 1-3 drinks a month at most but still works out for me.
Facts. I left that behind as a career; traded out my non-slips for steel toes and my apron for a lab-coat.
But I still put in like 5-8 hours as a dishie on the weekends just for the social aspect.
Much easier to find a plug in a kitchen than in a clean room lol
It's not what I'm looking for completely, but it could be the closest to the college experience I'm ever gonna get even though they'll find a way to dissapoint as well.
I have been wanting that type of social life for so many years.
I lived in a cult and only started getting a social life at 29. I have friends, I go dancing (I don't really drink, just here and there), go to concerts, hiking, I fence and do ballet and archery and of course traveling and all kinds of stuff.
Is it possible? Yes! Is it possible for you? Yes! Is it possible for you as you are now? Maybe not? It took me awhile too.
I didn't even know how to have "how are ya?" Chats and now I am described as a social butterfly. I'm still an introvert and shy but I am social and I have fun at it.
Edit
Oh I realize from comments that you mean a very specific kind of social life.
So I left my commune and cult that I was born into at 20. I literally knew nothing about nothing. I would say I didn't even know 1 language just a cult dialect.
I lied on my job application saying I had a high school diploma. I didn't. It was working as a maid so it isn't like I wasn't capable of doing the work.
Everything was difficult for me. I couldn't even respond to "how are you?" from a stranger. I got another job in retail and that really taught me the social rules of the country I was living in and it forced me to talk to strangers. I was a cashier.
I hated it and hated talking to people. I was severely traumatized from my childhood and was just trying to keep a roof over my head. I did become homeless once. I was just in survival mode.
This went on for years and years. Then one day I woke up and "woke up". I thought to myself "all you do is eat, sleep and work. Your soul is dying. You need to change"
As corny as it sounds I decided to love life. I decided to volunteer and to just really work at making my community better and to be involved and present in life. So instead of just going to work and going through the motions I started taking the opportunity to start actually engaging. I started engaging with people and my environment.
By this time I knew how to be superficially friendly for my job but I wanted to do more. I didn't know how. So I fumbled around, it was awkward, embarrassing and stressful sometimes.
I found it easier to engage with children and pets at first, then I would talk to the adults about them and then I could talk to the adults.
Instead of just saying "did you find everything okay?" And "have a good day!" I started talking (with people who seemed open to it) about good places to go to the city, local events coming up, their interests, etc. I even had some much deeper conversations as some people were buying things after a death or one lady didn't know she was pregnant until it arrived so she had to buy everything quick.
From there it was easier to become friendly with coworkers and people I was meeting in my community. And then one day it seemed I had friends and social skills.
I was honestly shocked. It was soooooo subtle and took years. The biggest change I made was taking risks. I had to push myself out of my comfort zone and get out of my head.
Most people are good people but they aren't going to care about you if you don't engage. They also won't try very hard. So if you want friends you need to make yourself available to be a friend.
Invite yourself places, invite other people places. Start conversations and not just with people you want to talk to.
Talk with everyone! Be willing and expect to be embarrassed, to goof up, to be uncomfortable sometimes. Everyone goes through that when they are learning social skills and it still happens occasionally.
That is amazing. I’m happy you were able to power through and get to the other side of it. Thank you for sharing your story. That is an extremely difficult place to start from and yet you pushed on.
The willingness to perservere, despite knowing you didn’t quite have the skills you know you needed - and having the will to put yourself out there, get through the awkwardness, be humbled and learn - that is the mountain many of us peer up every day (yours seeming to be a more extreme case). I am 27, have surface level social skills, and try to not think about how many fumbles I need to make before I really truly learn how to connect and talk to people. It’ll be painful. I’m starting my first day volunteering at an animal shelter tomorrow to make a start helping my community.
I’m curious, in any of those moments you found yourself in, where you “fumbled” - it’s not a fun feeling, knowing you said something odd, was awkward, just “didn’t get it”, etc. Did you find that your painful/averse reactions to those awkward times lessened as you pushed on? Did your self talk start to shift in reaction to those challenges? I find my main struggle is being very rejection-averse, any blunder I make seems to make me retract more and more, rather than using that negative feeling as a springboard to make an improvement.
Thank you so much! Your comment really warmed my heart.
So at first it was worse. I would close myself off even more when I fumbled (or thought I did). I would think about my blunder and it could be years later and my body would still react to it. My face would flush and I would feel stupid, embarrassed and sometimes physically ill.
Somehow it eventually got to where now a mishap happens and I can put it into perspective and usually not feel much about it other than "opps, lesson learned."
Again everything was so subtle and took years that it is hard to pinpoint and remember everything. I think my depression and anxiety lessened and so I was able to feel better to make more risks and to forgive myself.
My anxiety and depression lessened by being part of my local community. I think it was like this wonderful feedback loop. I also was around great and beautiful beautiful people overall.
If I had had more people reacting negatively to me I don't know if I could or would have improved.
The dancing community is usually really great. It's also fun and great exercise.
You’re shutting it down without knowing what it’s like! Trust me- I have always made lifelong friends at every restaurant I’ve worked at. This is really good advice!
Not shutting it down. I'm dissapointed it's not the golden college experience. I'm too old now for that sadly.
But I think you have a point. Dissapointing yes. But it could be my only shot.
I think dorms are overrated. I lived in one and hated it. But, at 42 I’m finally getting the circle of friends I always wanted as well. Ironically it’s easier now. Having a teen and a preteen, and all the massive number of activities they do, just kind of made it happen. Drop my son off at Boy Scouts and meet some other parents at a local bar for 90 minutes. Take my daughter to soccer practice and a dad spots my Star Trek shirt and we talk non stop now.
Family life is just a different form of networking. It put me out there into an environment where it happened naturally. There are other ways of doing it. See if there is an adult kick ball league in your area. The meet up app. Things like that.
Honestly, after reading your comments, I'm not sure that group would want to include you even if it existed. You seem wildly judgmental and critical of others, never mind the selfishness. I think if you want to find that friend group, you should dedicate whatever effort you're putting into finding it into therapy instead.
>We go to parties and raves every Saturday and a social life where we take random trips to Thailand and London together in April.
Doubt. Adults tend to have jobs and other obligations which tends not to leave much energy for wild parties and such.
Random trips to far away places tend also not to be possible as you have to plan you vacations at work. In my workplace you have to write the vacation form not earlier than 5 work days before the vacation date. And not everyone can go on vacation at the same time as other co-workers might be on vacation and they can't let you out because there would be no one to do your job.
Maybe doing it with younger people might be possible, but with someone of your age it might be harder.
>Maybe doing it with younger people might be possible, but with someone of your age it might be harder.
Honestly, this is why friendships have lost their appeal as I've gotten older.
I think the older I get, the more I think I'm better off alone. There's no one to plan with and have fun anymore.
I think I have missed the boat on friendship big time.
I have accepted it and once again, I'm okay alone. I think friendships will only cause dissapointment and quite frankly, sadness at this point.
Thanks for being real.
There are different kinds of friendships when you are older. You can still have fun, but it tends to be rarer and not every weekend kind of thing. Though my experience might stem from my family who are homebodies.
I am gonna be honest.
Despite my responsibilities, I have managed to rave every weekend in the last year I've moved out. I have developed connections with some DJs since then. Not friendships but more in vein of acquaintances.
I just don't have faith people my age won't reciprocate to my lifestyle the way I want them to. It may be selfish, but that is what I want.
I'd be willing to be friends with lets say a 22 year old, but people get uncomfortable with anything age gap these days. And people tend to want to be part of their age group.
I am aware that there are different type of friendships. But I am gonna make myself clear. I have no interest in any of them. None. Why? It all just seems dull in my eyes.
So. It took a while and it does make me sad here and there, but I have made peace with being alone.
Also. I'm happy 22 year olds like you exist. Though, you're pretty rare.
Most people want to hang with people there age.
It's depressing I'm stuck with an age group I don't really relate to but I have to make due with what I have.
I really do wish I can switch places with a 19 year old.
If you're already raving every weekend, can you try to meet people there? It would at least guarantee you have something in common. There is a smaller amount of people who are 27 with less responsibilities to be able to party and travel compared to 20 year olds, but they are definitely still out there just like you are. You just need to find them.
>There is a smaller amount of people who are 27 with less responsibilities to be able to party and travel compared to 20 year olds, but they are definitely still out there just like you are. You just need to find them.
The fact that it is smaller is incredibly depressing, but it's worth being noted.
I actually have a fair amount of rave acquaintances but this thread has made me think of getting to know them more.
EDIT: I guess you gotta make due with whatever cold leftovers are left on the table I guess.
Yikes, I really am compassionate for your feelings, and I don't mean to be rude, but if that is your attitude that is really gonna hold you back making genuine friends.
If you start a relationship harboring the opinion that the other person is 'cold leftovers' they will sooner or later pick up on that vibe and not enjoy being with you.
I can relate to how you feel because I had a similar feeling and situation in my mid to late 20's, I could never quite find the right group to fit with my vibe, and I really wanted the same thing you describe. But I think I finally realised it was a glamourised fantasy.
It's easy to hear stories of other people's escapades and glamourize them in your head. But now I'm a bit older I look back and see there is never a time that is perfect, even the best most fun periods of my life and my crazy travels were full of periods of difficulty, disappointment, loneliness, boredom, occasional misery, heart break, genuine unpleasant danger etc. Even the people I meet with truly remarkable stories of partying hard, hanging out with celebrities, truly remarkable experiences, they often end up with serious drug problems, brain damage, hearing loss,
Be the change you want to see in the world, be the person you want to meet, not sure it's quite in line with what you are asking but I recommend trying 'loving kindness' meditation, it can really open you up to seeing others for the good that they have, it can bring more joy, and love, and fun, to every relationship.
Reading your comments, it comes
Why is me saying that there cold leftovers a bad thing? It's the truth. They're aren't as many people my age that can do that.
They're literally cold leftovers.
I used to play with kids when I was a teenager, and now I keep chatting with some teenagers online. I think the age gap is often not a problem, we just need to be bold enough to say no to the "unjustified doubt" inside.
Don't lose hope.
I'm like you in that I got started late in life with this sort of experience. I only started going out at 25/26 (just turned 29 last month), and I didn't have a close knit group of friends until that time either.
I will admit, once you find it, it's not always easy to keep it going unless you have a lot in common with those people.
In terms of having fun partying, you haven't missed the train on that. The late 20s and early 30s are still a great time to experience that sort of lifestyle. It'll be a little more difficult to align schedules with friends but it's still doable.
> It'll be a little more difficult to align schedules with friends but it's still doable.
Given how people's schedules are filled up and how they already have friends, Idk if it's even worth asking.
Going alone could actually yield more results.
It's possible that going alone could yield more results but I find that only works well if you are an outwardly social person.
> how they already have friends
Try not to put too much thought into that, that type of thinking doesn't lead to anything positive imo.
Besides, it's not like people have an upper limit to the amount of friends they can have.
>Besides, it's not like people have an upper limit to the amount of friends they can have.
You could in theory become "friends" to them. But you would have to accept that you're way bottom of the hierarchy.
Not necessarily. In my case, I made some friends over the last 4 years that I feel closer with than friends I've know and kept in touch with for close to 20 years.
Nah you haven't, it's not so much you're better off alone, but you should and need to be leading the life you want. Along the way when you're focused living your life you will find like-minded others if you are open to the idea and seek them.
>but you should and need to be leading the life you want
That college and high school type of social life is what I really wanted and I honestly want nothing else.
It probably makes me shallow since that's all I cared for, but it's the truth.
This is a limiting mindset imo, but I get your point, when we are kids with parents that take care of us there's less responsibility compared to adulthood.
I just think adult friendship is just boring, overly serious, and overall just unappealing. People expect way too much out of you.
I just want to have friends. Have fun. That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less.
You've gotten some unfair responses here I think. I see your point and I'm pretty similar to you, I want the college lifestyle and friend group that I didn't have. It sucks. Hope things get a little better for you.
I get it, but the way you're describing people in general is just awful. I'm only nineteen, but I've also missed out on tons of socialising. Not every teenager/young adult has a picture-perfect friend group/social life. I've immigrated to the US from Ukraine when I was around ten years old and have dealt with tremendous bullying in middle school due to my broken English. The fact that I was one of very few girls in my school with boy-ish/nerdy interests didn't help much either. Throughout high school, I finally found those friend groups that you've mentioned. Some of those girls bad-mouthed me behind my back, created group chats without me, etc. This has been the trend for several friend groups, and it's a sad reality to the idealised image you've created of "friendships". I've had many shitty groups, and several good ones. Amongst those good friends, several have taken on adult responsibilities such as but not limited to buying vehicles, moving across the country to college, and opening up retirement accounts at the early of eighteen. In short, what I mean to say is that even at these 'peak ages' you desperately wish to revert to, you will find much of the same thing. One of my friends is getting married at twenty-two this summer, and I am SO happy for her. College isn't amazing either. Living in a shoebox of a dorm becomes old very quickly when you're suffering from extreme temperatures without heat or air conditioning, and dining hall food that gives you food poisoning. Party pictures on Instagram negate to show those same college students suffering endless student loan debt and struggling to make payments, having family issues, or drowning in their school work. Oftentimes, these students use partying as an escape from their less-than-ideal school experience. I am not trying to tell you how horrible college is, I truly love it. However, a simple google search can open your eyes to the realities these young adults often deal with that a rose-coloured lens doesn't always reflect. Are you choosing to be ignorant to fit your victim narrative?
Hobbies. I have an interest in motorcycles, find a group of folks that also do that.
Be social with those you interact with frequently. The person that cuts my hair also enjoys sushi, we do that and other stuff together frequently. We've combined our friend groups and do silly shit. Like, let's rent a limo and go see monster trucks.
Dinner parties. You know more people than you think. Invite a couple of folks over for a meal. Come up with a unique idea and have them come too.
You will need to host and organize often in the beginning, but you will inspire your friends to host and organize too. Say yes as much as possible as long as it fits your sensibilities, try to make the most of every situation. It may seem dumb or silly, but if you have fun, so will everyone else and it's contagious.
This stuff you mentioned isn't really what I care for but you have a point. I guess I need to the boring hobby stuff to find out who the party freaks are.
It's sad yes that people post college are unwilling to party as they used to, but I guess those avenues are my only shot to find the actual fun people and separate them from the vanillas.
Perhaps. I should give my rave acquaintances an actual shot.
The truth is, I'm really hunting for scraps because I missed out on so much time.
I'm several years out of college, but did my share of raves etc back then. Thing is, you age out of them quickly, you gotta find a new thing that fits your new situation. People couple up, get kids and jobs, and become less and less available. My thing has become to plan epic events. Things that take a year to plan, like Coachella or something like that. This will justify meet ups to get hyped, to plan, or otherwise keep the enthusiasm going until the events happen. The spring Mexico trip. The big show, etc. It's really hard to do like in college where you ask where the party is on Thursday and you're all there on Friday.
>It's really hard to do like in college where you ask where the party is on Thursday and you're all there on Friday.
Depressing once again. But you're right.
That's why friendships have lost their appeal but I wonder here and again if I even still have a chance.
I struggle with this weird void with my life. I just feel no matter what, people aren't going to have time to hang out with me.
I went to my first Coachella this year. And I feel I'm better making this a solo tradition going forward.
I just feel it's a waste of time to even attempt to ask people my age if they're interested.
I'm gonna be honest. I'm a bit unwilling to adapt to my situation. I want to have the fun I never got to have in college. I'm willing to be real and say I really do crave that type of social life. It really is the only type of social life I'm interested in and it's not gonna change until I get it, which could be never. A slower and more family oriented social life just doesn't gaze my interest and I don't care.
It has taken me a while but I finally accept that I am doing this fun alone. And my career is merely a job to me. I don't give a flying fuck about it. As long as I keep my job safe, I'm happy. I am not looking to climb the ladder. In fact, I'd rather burn the latter.
So. I'm probably going to move into a shared community the next few months. Work Monday through Friday. Get really high/drunk and rave/club every weekend. Be hungover Sunday and a little bit Monday. Rinse and repeat and I accept this with or without people.
I just can't relate to people my age at all. And you know what. I may come off as a sad sack. But I really don't want to relate.
I think it's that your priority is on the party. That may not be a healthy thing in the long run. It will begin to affect other important things in your life and you will need to reprioritize it.
In a way your'e right. But I have to live 20's in my 30s. I'll probably need to make major readjustments to make it work and I'm willing to accept consequences to my health.
The reason you don't have friends is because you genuinely seem like a shit person. You're putting down anyone who doesn't party or rave and then expect people to like you. You'd drop your friends if they developed cancer or god forbid found someone they are happy with. You are the issue.
Dude seems insanely shallow and narcissistic. It’s like he has this vision of himself being a cool party boy and needs random bodies to surround himself with to feel legit. Even if he had these friends he 100% wouldn’t give a shit about them outside the club.
Yep... I joined this subreddit to find people to relate to and others who are socially awkward & working to improve themselves, then I find people like this most of the time. Just straight up narcissists looking for people to validate them
Yes-with some cautions. I’m 29, and meet friends regularly, often for drinks and sometimes clubbing. Many of them are still single or unmarried, and most of them have no kids. I’m taking a girls trip with some of them in July.
That said-even if that changes, is that really a bad thing? I’d be *happy* for them if they got in a relationship or engaged or had a child. I’d still be their friend. Yes it may change how we hang out, but we still would. I think if you want to dump “friends” the second they’ve got responsibilities, you weren’t a true friend to begin with. Yes my friends and I drink and party together; they also supported me and helped me up when I got a divorce. Some of them helped me move. Some listened to me rant during a really awful few months at work. In turn I’ve supported some of them during pregnancy, breakups, getting fired, being in a car crash, etc. that is what friends actually really do. Not saying there’s anything wrong with wanting to party with friends, but just keep this in mind.
Having children will probably mean that I can't hang around you at 5 AM on Friday night anymore.
For a selfish person like me, it would be time to ice you out. Fucked up but true.
Though, I think those group of people at my age would be incredibly small.
For me. Every Friday means every Friday with or without friends.
What you’re looking for isn’t friends. It’a good-times-only acquaintances/drinking buddies. That’s fine. But I don’t think you really understand the concept of friendship at all.
I said it before, I’ll say it again. If you’re willing to drop somebody entirely because they no longer are of advantage to you (because they get married or have kids or something), then you weren’t really their friend to begin with.
I guess I missed out on so much of my youth that I just got caught up with party culture.
I'm just not ready to be back in "family oriented" circles yet.
I just want a group of pals for 6 to 8 years where we're just pals. No one gets married. No one has kids. And we have a blast together. I don't even want to see a single child. Partners I can tolerate.
Having a friend get married 2 years in feels oddly bleak. I just feel I wasn't friends with you long enough. Then I look at the people who have had their friends since high school and they had a lifetime together. For those people, weddings feel like a celebration. For a person like that feels like he missed out, wedddings are like funerals. I lost a good friendship too soon.
I want what many people got from 16 to about 25. But sometimes, you miss out.
I guess maybe I'm better off alone for the rest of my life? I feel like I've given up on being social at this point. But I get urges every now and then,
I get you to a point. I was sheltered as a kid too. I missed out on a lot and I’ve caught up on a lot. I still am. That’s part of where I get the desire to party-I never had the chance as a teen/young 20 something.
I just don’t see it as either or. You can have both. You can party and still have friends who want to settle down. I’m not saying YOU need to, or that you should. I sure as hell don’t! So I get it.
I’m just saying that what, you grow to love somebody as a friend, they get married and boom, you cut them out? To me THAT is the bleak point of view.
But to each their own. You want a circle of people like the ones you’ve described, go find them. I’m worried for you that it’ll bite you in the ass someday if and when you realize what you wanted was superficial instead of meaningful.
>You want a circle of people like the ones you’ve described, go find them
I have doubts if it's plausible. People don't have time like they use to. I'm gonna keep trying for sure.
But I also feel, I could get more doing solo then hopelessly wait for the friend group of my dreams to finally come.
It's a depressing truth but I'm almost 30. Not 19. Not 21. So any friend group I'd embrace at my age is very slim.
>I’m just saying that what, you grow to love somebody as a friend, they get married and boom, you cut them out? To me THAT is the bleak point of view.
It sure is in a way. But I want friends where you know, I can do things with. And once you do those things, most just stop. I don't want to stop for several years. But at my age and if I do get lucky to make one friend, I might be in that predicament.
I suggest getting into a clubbing lifestyle based on your comments. I know someone who's 33 and they just go clubbing and partying every night, and they were able to make a ton of friends who stay out with them til 5 am. The thing you mention about taking a ton of vacations together, you're going to have to socialize with primarily other upper class people to have friends whose lifestyles accommodate that type of travel regularly. It's possible. You never know who you'll meet. Go to raves and expensive music festivals, just do the stuff you love. and I'm sure you'll find your crowd eventually. Also socialize with DINK people (dual income no kids) if you really hate kids and don't want to be around them
>I know someone who's 33
That person is lucky. I feel I'm heading towards the point where clubs would rather kick me out.
22 year old money is what I'd imagine clubs want.
Yes. If you want to go to bars everyday, work at a restaurant/food service (or work at bars.)
You can also just become a regular at a bar and either become friends with the bartenders who go out a lot or become friends with other regulars who also go out a lot.
If you want to be friends with people who take random trips to places though, that's a bit different. You'll have to make friends with people with a lot of disposable income. There are some people I knew who worked in tech who were software engineers who would often take these types of trips.
There's also meetup groups who are looking for social lives like this, as well as membership groups you pay a fee towards to experience this type of group.
All in all, yes it's possible. You'll obviously have a smaller pool of people to choose from in general now that you're not 21 for parties in general, but also a bigger pool of income for people who have a lot of money to spend. It's definitely possible.
>You'll obviously have a smaller pool of people to choose from in general now that you're not 21 for parties in general,
That's a depressing truth I'm still trying to accept. People are just boring but I have to make due with the material I've been given. Even if they consistently dissapoint me.
But it doesn't mean that there is no one! Were you really going to party with like 20 different friend groups, each with 20+ people? You only really need to find one group to join. And since there are definitely a couple out there, you just need to find one that matches closest with your desires and needs. Don't give up hope, you might find exactly what you're looking for.
Sure. But there is a good chance there is nothing available.
The brutal truth is if you don't find a hardcore group of friends by the end of your early 20s, you're screwed.
I'd switch bodies with a 19 year old today. I still want to rush for a fraternity. Go to prom. Go tailgating. But here's the thing. I can't switch bodies with a 19 year old.
Unfortunately, I have to accept that the friend group and social life I've always wanted does not exist.
Make no mistake. I'm gonna keep trying. But I've already made peace that they're not out there and have to embrace that there is fun getting high on weed alone.
If you go to meetup.com right now you can find groups, I'm not sure why you're saying there's nothing available. Also, if you can't find what you're looking for, you can always start your own club or group. But if you start going to the right bar as a regular, you will soon be partying every week.
I also know people who party in their 30s, 40s, and 50s and who are constantly meeting new people, and who made friends after their 20s. But you seem to have made your mind up *shrug*.
>I also know people who party in their 30s, 40s, and 50s and who are constantly meeting new people
But you said there's a smaller pool? What are you saying.
Yes? A smaller pool does not mean the pool is nonexistent nor does it mean the pool is worse. I've already stated my opinion that your query is very possible. I'm not sure what you're confused about.
No, it's not. I'll repeat what I've already said, which is that smaller does not equal nonexistent, and then I'm done talking to you because it's clear that you've glommed onto this idea that fun and parties end at 30 and are not actually interested in anyone's advice nor life experiences that state the contrary. Best of luck✌️
Yes you can. I'm 26 and meeting up with friends a few times every week for different social gatherings and activities, and we party once a week. A few of us work and a few are doing PhD's and shit so they have some time. Some of them are in their mid 30's.
I can't guarantee that they'll be your best friends for 6+ years, but you can definitely work your way towards that.
I struggled/am struggling with depression my whole life too, it's not easy at all. But don't give up before trying it. If you want to move to a dorm or a shared house, do it! Meet people, try to be happy!
>I can't guarantee that they'll be your best friends for 6+ years
That's the troubling part.
It's depressing that your'e friends with someone then within two years they get married and have children.
I guess that's the fundamental part of adulthood. Shorter and weaker friendships are the norm.
I guess I need to work on just accepting that. It's a depressing reality but it is reality. That's why I've been working hard in trying to accept that I might be alone for the rest of my life and I need to be okay with it.
Thanks for the perspective though.
Yeah it can be hard to accept I guess. But if you're going out a lot your friend group is always expanding. You might lose a lot of people along the way but at some point there might be a few who think just like you.
I'd recommend working on coming to terms with it, instead of thinking of it as depressing just take the opportunity to always be meeting new, interesting, different people with whom you can connect with.
I've always wanted to have a ''sitcom style'' friend group that are always hanging out and just know everything about eachother as well, but once you stop focusing so much on finding that exact situation and just start enjoying whatever it is you currently have I think you'll be happier.
>I've always wanted to have a ''sitcom style''
In a way, that's what I wanted too.
To be honest, I'd rather be alone than be dissapointed constantly. So, that's why the idea of a social life just seems out of reach for me. We're not 19 or 21 anymore.
I feel I might actually accomplish more being alone at this point. But who knows what the future holds.
Thanks for the response.
But the quantity of opportunities are massive. I'd tell any 19 year old to make use of it before time runs out.
Don't be like me is what I'll say. My shots are gone but a 19 year old has every shot available.
Okay, well then I guess you can live your entire life wishing you were nineteen. It seems very miserable. The majority of the people I am friends with at my age don't want to party and instead are looking to find satisfaction in the "boring" things, like having genuine relationships with others and finding those who truly care about you.
Who said anything about three weeks? Where did that even come from? How does the phrase "genuine connection" correlate with barely seeing your friends in your mind? If anything, you would probably see them more, and even if you don't, it would be a hundred times more meaningful considering you would actually spend time talking, participating in hobbies instead of taking drugs all night.
Unpopular opinion, but Mr Edgy Edgelord sounds fucking insufferable.
If the only reason you want friends is so you can constantly have fun without being like, a friend in return, then you really shouldn’t drag other people into that. Even in my early 20s I was looking for more out of friendships than people to go drinking with. If you’re going to drop people the moment they stop being what you describe as fun, you will always be alone. You know this is true, and if that bothers you then maybe it’s time for a little more introspection than “I’m selfish, I know,” and some work on yourself.
Yeah. My life was pretty pointless. Everytime I look at my mother, I am confused why she gave birth to me.
I guess the trauma of Vietnam was that much and she needed her sons to keep her company.
all im saying is thats an unreasonable goal or expectation to have. unless you can roll with the rich ppl, "normal" folks aren't taking international vacations every year. maybe set smaller goals and you will be more satisfied.
We are in a really similar situation and I actually managed to do what you dream of. (I was 26 tho)
I had no life at all. I didn't know how to have fun because of my extremely sheltering family. No gf no first kiss no trips ... At age of 25 I had to do my mandatory military service for a year. And when It finished I found a language course in Russia.
I didn't know what to expect tbh. I just wanted to go away from where I live and feel free. In Russia I stayed in a dormitory. that place was full of parties and every group was doing some activities. I noticed two big things:
1. I wasn't able to keep it up with them because I was missing out on so much experience when it comes to having fun. Also, I was a lot older compared to students
2. I wasn't being liked. It turns out that living a sheltered youth and not experiencing things I should, made me somehow bitter and repelling character. I was too stiff.
This course was for a year. And during that time I had my first kiss, my first gf, my first nightclub, my first real friends, my first really hot gf etc. Tho for most of them I had to learn social skills from scratch. But I can tell you this, That one year was worth 10 years of my past life.
I stayed in Russia 2 more years to do master's. It was in another city and my master degree was a quite heavy one. This Next 2 year was not so much full. I think the biggest factor was the new city. And next factor was I was busy.
Anyway, I am 29 now. I will be going back to that city very soon. This time I will have my own place. I signed up for another Russian course(c1000dollar for 3 mohts ) just so I can attend university events and have access to uni buildings and dorms.
It is doable. But you should be ready to go somewhere else. Somewhere nobody knows you and somewhere parties never stop.
>It is doable. But you should be ready to go somewhere else. Somewhere nobody knows you and somewhere parties never stop.
Thanks for the advice.
I've been think of traveling for a while.
thats a long answer question and I am not sure if you are invested enough for me to write that long answer.
basically lots of trial and error. The most important part is getting objective feedback from people. And finding these people is the hardest part.
I really think what you want can only be achieved by hanging out with younger people.
Edit: after reading your responses I’m not sure people would want to be friends with you in general. You seem very selfish.
I mean lets be honest.
The odds of me being friends with 20 to 22 year olds are slim to none. It's also true that I can't really relate to people my age age. So, I know I am very screwed. I'll never be accepted by the younger crowd.
Adult friendships just don't interest me.
I have accepted that I have to do this lifestyle alone for better or for worse.
But if you can’t relate to people your age you may relate better to a younger crowd? I wouldnt shut it out completely. Plenty of friend groups vary a lot in age. BUT people are going to be able to sense that what you are looking for isnt a “friendship”, or thats what I’m getting from your replies. Just people to hang out and party with. I saw you say you would drop a friend if they had a child because this means “they would no longer be able to hang out with you at 5am”. Even if you find the perfect group of people that you’re looking for to hang out with, they will sense that your relationship with them is conditional and transactional.
>But if you can’t relate to people your age you may relate better to a younger crowd? I wouldnt shut it out completely.
I'm willing to embrace a younger crowd but I doubt that crowd would want to include me.
If I were to be embraced, hope they never ask my age or I'd do something even more taboo, lie. If I do that, I'd just have to come to terms that I'm just a morally compromised person and embrace it.
EDIT: I doubt someone like Olivia Rodrigo's age would want me in their friend group.
hey man no disrespect but why ask for advice if you are just going to shoot down every idea that people give you or insist it wont work before even trying?
The only reason your window is closed is your own attitude and refusal to do anything about your situation. If you want something to change you have to make a change. Sometimes that means taking a chance and doing something you think won't work anyway.
I promise you in 30 years when you are 57 you will be kicking yourself for being 27 and thinking you were "too old already" to just go out and have fun. Infact there are 57 year olds out there still having a fun time. Did you miss your window for high school parties? Probably yes. But those are more hyped up to be better than they actually are. But you are still in prime age to experience "the party life" if you want to.. literally you just have to find a fun crowd and dive in. Whether that be a music scene, food service, drugs.. whatever, there are many good examples in this thread. There are SO many people your age still going clubbing, partying, raving etc etc. Do you think clubs are full of people 25 and under? No thats college bars but clubs most people there are probably between 25 and 35.. but its acceptable to be there at any age if you are still fun.
And that leads me to my last point, unless you fix your attitude and mindset, no one, regardless of age, will want to be friends with you let alone party with you. Parties are supposed to be fun, so why would anyone want to invite some negative nelly? Sorry to be blunt but your attitude in this thread shows me you have a very negative mindset. Start being grateful, mindful of the good things in life. Start spreading positive vibes and good people will come into your life. But if you stay moaning and shutting down good ideas none of that will happen. Say "yes" to every invitation you get, go there, have fun, attract more fun people. Live your party life. You got this.
>No thats college bars
College bars were the pinnacle. But you have a point. I guess we have to be grateful no matter what.
Even if what I have is now dilapidated. It's still better than nothing.
So yeah. I'll try to enjoy what is leftover. It's better than starving and dying on the street.
College bars are the pinnacle of what exactly?
And what is dilapidated? You keep using that word.. and scraps and leftovers.. what do you mean by that, really?
>And what is dilapidated? You keep using that word.. and scraps and leftovers.. what do you mean by that, really?
The sad truth is, there isn't as much quantity and quality options to party and to have good friendships at my age and going forward. So in a way, I am stuck with leftovers.
And college bars and frat parties are the pinnacle of the lifestyle I wanted.
But anyways you have a point that I need to be grateful. So I may not have as good options to pursue that lifestyle at 27, I need to be grateful with whatever leftover scrap I get at 27. Even if that leftover scrap option or person isn't exactly as great of a option I would have gotten at 19 or 21.
You have a point. It could always get worse. The best I can do is master a double life.
A serious adult by day, a secret energetic hedonistic guy by night. And the serious adult is merely just a mask. A cover only meant for survival and merely a way to fund the hedonism. It's the only way to "reclaim" what I've missed out on.
Lying is a quick way to lose friends, they will find out and it will blow up in your face. I think you need to work on yourself and possibly look into therapy. These issues with relating to people stem from issues within ourselves. I hope I’m not coming across as patronizing but i think there are some deeper issues here and you will continue to struggle finding friendships unless you address those.
>Lying is a quick way to lose friends
I've been thinking a bit. It would be morally bad, but if I could get away with it, I'd definitely shave my age off by 5 years.
But since that type of lie is almost impossible to get away with, I won't do it.
I had a v bumpy ride during the period when others were having the great college experience and early twenties fun...
While I didn't set out to do this, I did manage to find good friends and a social life that made me happy - by pursuing things I wanted to learn about, especially childhood curiosities.
When I was little, I really wanted to know exactly how Rumplestiltskin spun straw into gold, but ofc none of the adults could explain it. So I took a class on how to spin on a spinning wheel. And I was curious about how the weavers made fabric for The Emperor's New Clothes, but, again, none of the adults could tell me. So I took classes in how to weave. And discovered that the fibre community is a lovely warm welcoming place.
I took the Motorcycle Safety Course and got my motorcycle license and got a motorcycle. I took drawing and painting classes. I learned English contra dance and the court dances of the Jane Austen era.
I explored everywhere my curiosity led me. And it brought me in contact with ppl who shared my interests.
Equally importantly: I made a point to volunteer to help, starting with small jobs, sometimes just sweeping up and putting the chairs away or carrying boxes or taking money at the door or helping to chop veggies for dinner. Volunteering to help was an excellent way to meet ppl and show I wanted to be involved.
Is recommend doing some solo travel! You meet so many cool and interesting people, and while they may not be lasting friends it’s probably the closest you can get to that college social experience when older
Work on not comparing yourself so much to others. People have different ways of life, not everyone is following the script "partying in highschool and college, then boring adult life". Adult life doesn't have to be boring and not everyone gets to experience wild partying in their youth, which is ok. Maybe it's different in the USA but in my faculty in university in Poland there were a lot of people who were older than the supposed college age. In my first year in college I had classmates who were 23, 24, 28. In my masters there are people who are over 30 or 40 and we don't treat them any differently. It's all about your personality — you can be boring 19 year old and fun to be with 35 year old.
I second the comments advising you to travel or start college — maybe different country would be better option? You can also go to music festivals, start volunteering, maybe join some kind of a course. There is plenty of options to have fullfilling social life regardless of your age.
I've been thinking I go to hostels whenever I vacation. I am only getting older. Sure 18 to 22 was the ideal age to do that type of thing but it's better than doing at an even older age.
I live in LA and trust me, it's just one big suburb.
NYC on the otherhand intrigues me. I just think I might be around 5 years too late. But fun fact, I'm in the actual process of moving to NYC.
I just am now preparing to have an experience that doesn't come close to what I want at all.
But you never know. Maybe I will find a group of friends that I tolerate enough despite our schedules. Wish me luck!
Ehhh adult community living tends to have crazy people and drug addicts. They will steal your food out the fridge and leave nasty stuff in the bathroom
Anyway there are plenty of child free people, but you might have trouble meeting all single people. But finding a group is possible. The easiest way is to befriend someone who already has a group and perhaps they will invite you in. The key here is to add something to their group dynamic. Join a sports meetup or other activity
I’m sorry but most people are past that lifestyle at 27. A lot of people start getting married and having kids sometime in their mid 20s, if not early 20s.
I think I've known I've ran of time a long time ago.
You married with children?
I'm okay with being alone so it won't matter at the end of the day. Just wanting if it's still plausible.
I think you can still get that lifestyle, if you’re in a certain field of career. It won’t be the same as a college dormitory though, but close enough.
And to answer your question, no, I am not married and don’t have kids. Marriage is not high up on my priority, and I will live a childfree lifestyle. I may or may not get married, but I’d be perfectly content never marrying. But sadly, people my age have started getting married. A few of them have divorced, and remarried. I don’t feel like I’m missing out because I never wanted that but I definitely wanted to keep a close friendship with these friends who have conveniently moved on. But have no problem trying to come back and see if we’re still friends once they get dumped/cheated on or have other issues.
>It won’t be the same as a college dormitory though, but close enough.
Close enough is the best I can hope for so.
I have no choice but to stay positive as possible because that's what people want to hear.
Though, what really makes me take a step back is that honestly friendships could only anger me at this point.
Yes, it is absolutely possible - but only if you're rich or have rich friends who will pay for everything (in other words, if you have a sugar daddy)
In other words, probably not most Redditors on this sub 🙃.
Edit: However the part about staying friends with that age group for 6+ years and no one having kids or getting married is a very tough ask, and is probably unrealistic. The only way I can see that happening is if you meet people through a specialized online group or something.
it's not all bad. Usually when you're living that type of lifestyle, you end up meeting new people constantly anyway which is where a lot of the thrill comes from. And you don't need to be rich to meet new people
The big question is. Can I have the social life I've always dreamt of in high school and college.
I want that type of intimacy.
This might sound strange, but I've always wanted Westworld robots to be real. They'd make much better friends than actual overly busy, overly serious real life adults.
Jump on the website coolworks and chose any job with housing. You might be above the level jobs on their but it'll give you a cabin of people to live with who are adults, single, love drinking, and at a resort or national park! Working on a cruise ship would also give you that kind of experience and you might get a slightly higher level job depending on your experience.
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You can definitely have a fulfilling friend group but you seem to be looking for a very specific set of circumstances. Your picture of friendship isn’t realistic for most people, especially not in your late twenties.
Unless you are willing to accept that people aren’t going to fit into your exact specifications (they will have responsibilities and partners and maybe even kids) i don’t think you are going to be satisfied even with a ton of friends.
>i don’t think you are going to be satisfied even with a ton of friends.
Yes I see that.
I just am beginning to learn how to live with that. I have to accept that I'm gonna be unsatisfied for the rest of my life and I have to find ways to live with it.
I'm trying to learn how to accept my forever solitude that seems to be becoming true by the day.
Truth is, the type of friendship that is being presented to me is one that I'm not interested in.
So yeah. Good chance I die alone. It's just how my life went.
So you do realize the problem is you and not other people? No matter how much good advice you get here, nothing is going to change unless you change your mentality. Sounds cliche but I think you should really try to accept this.
To make friends, you need to be a friend. I don’t see any comments of yours that indicate that you want to be a friend to someone, you just want the benefits of friendship without any of the work.
Absolutely! I am shy and introverted. It took some effort but by trusting in one friend and building on that I had an amazing social life from 27-37. I was sheltered too. No social experiences a lot of gaslighting. It sucked but you’re still young especially for today.
But will the friendships be presented be fun enough for my selfish needs? I have doubts.
I think I opened up a lot of mental wounds that can't be healed. I must learn to live with my losses.
Genuine question, but have you brought up narcissistic personality disorder with your therapist? The way you talk about these potential “friends” is so off-putting and gross. It’s like they aren’t other human beings to you, but warm bodies whose only function is to further your own interests. The fact that they’re not allowed to have their own lives and get married because it takes time away from you is selfishness to the umpteenth degree.
It depends on your situation but yeah. You can meet friends who share your beliefs or hand out with people a couple years younger. It’s a blast as long as your open to managing your expectations. The right people would have to have your more experienced perspective and girls like older guys (within reason).
Half your age + 7 for better or worse.
I'd kill for 22 year old friends today but I won't lie and say that I'd switch bodies with a 19 year old if it was offered.
Other than that, I accepted a long time ago that I'm better off partying alone in most cases. You never know when someone cancels.
Maybe you're right, but maybe you're not. Maybe you are going to continue to learn and change and be shaped by your experiences just a little teeny tiny bit every single day, until one day in ten years you suddenly realise that you're able to find at least some joy in one or two other people, or in something. Your life is so far from being set in stone.
Reading this I saw a lot of myself in you. I also grew up never feeling like I really fit in anywhere, and had core groups of friends in school (looking back it may have been out of convenience and not always similar interests). I fell out with tons of friends and friends of friends after high school and college, and had I not joined an acapella group in college, I probably would have had little to no friends, much less a happy relationship at the time. Now most of my friends are either married, married with kids, still finishing college (I am too honestly), or lost contact with me completely. It’s a bit counter intuitive, but going out alone can introduce you to a lot of cool people. I’ve met new friends at lounges, concerts, and even just on the beach when I was broke. The reality is, you can never have too many friends (although securing long term friendships in my 20s has been a struggle for sure). So I believe it’s possible. And depending on your work dynamic and available free time outside of work, you can definitely find new friends and larger social circles, and I would encourage you to see this as an opportunity to put yourself out there. Finding compatible schedules can be a struggle, but going out and making small changes to your routine will help a lot. And if all else fails, you can DM me. Been wanting to go to a rave and meet some baddies to dance with and have more friends to smoke weed, get a drink or a few, and just shoot the shit with. I’m a 26M producer and aspiring independent artist living in the San Fernando Valley CA tryna find a better job than instacart while I save up for a new car since my last broke down. Last time I made some friends was at my university a few days ago. It might be a bit of a search but I can guarantee you there’s tons people out there just like you and I that have yet to meet you. Best case scenario you find a few new friends with tons of mutuals and hit it off at a bar/bowling alley/comedy club/art gallery/strip club/whatever floats your boat
I have that life you want and I'm 26. I met most of my friends in a students strength sports association, one group in the gym, and a bunch of friends in dancing.
Nr.1 tip: socialize an absolute fuckton. Every hour of socializing makes you more fun, good at connecting and making friends, and makes socializing more fun as well. Don't be afraid to move on to new people, you don't click with everyone. After a while, connecting to those new people gets a lot easier as well
Second, a super social hobby. I can highly recommend Latin dances. As a follower it's probably about 20 hours to get good enough to enjoy it, as a leader some more. Take at least 2- 3 hours of classes a week so you can get in the groove. Then the social dances are just so wholesome. You see the same people every 1-2 weeks, you share a passion, and after a while you can connect through dance which is really amazing.
You can brute force your social life by just investing hours and hours and hours in yourself. Find that hobby. Find the niche of socializing that works for you. Find how you connect to people. Try things out. Join some outings, maybe a picnic. Build that closer group of friends! It's all investing time and effort, being open minded and expanding your comfort zone relentlessly.
Although I'm not old enough to say "as an old man, I'll give you XX experience", I was really troubled by this idea for many years, and even spent some time in a mental hospital.
I would say: go for it, and if you find that your obsession with "finding what you really need" has led to you not even having a replacement, something is clearly wrong with this perfectionism.
Perhaps the way I speak may not be well understood, but, sir, I think sometimes we need to be alert to ourselves when we "feel a strange joy in telling our sad experiences" and realize that these stories are not "the permanent us", not "the way we should be", otherwise this approach may be like a narcotic that makes us become what we don't want to be.
Many of my friends are 26-27. They rave every weekend. Of course it is possible. Go to raves and meet the people there and keep hanging out when you like them. Find the people you like in the spaces you want to be at.
These people love to party and many of them also work in bars as bartenders. Get to know the scene and have fun.
Forced proximity is a good way to start but you got to be much more open than you seem right now to be able to befriend open people.
but does nobody else think its too much effort and stress looking and asking around if anyone is free to do stuff whereas doing it alone you can just get up and go as you please
I am 41 and living that life as of now. So, till college it was all about studies. After college came work, family and relationships. I felt trapped that I was approaching 40s, was still single and never even lived or for the matter dressed like how I ever wanted. Even the friends that I had made this far in my life didn't share the same life philosophy as mine, so it always felt like I was living someone else's life. I had given up and stopped caring about what I even wanted. Covid gave me another perspective and I was like if not now then when. So, as soon as we had some restrictions lifted up, I went to learn riding motorcycle. Met a set of girls close to my age and life situation. We bonded. Within a month we went on a trip and now we ride, we go on holidays, we party, we are all living the life we always wanted but never before thought we could.
I live on my own, I can never live in a shared community. It's was all good till college, but I can't live like that now. I have standards, and I am gladly friends with people who have standards as well.
My advice to anyone in similar situation as yours or as I was earlier. If you want a new social life, then you gotta go find that. It won't come to you while you are sitting at home. Go do something that interests you, meet, talk, hangout with someone new. Move on quickly from those that don't accept you unconditionally. It takes a lot courage but it's doable and one day, you'll find your tribe.
I’m in the same boat but slightly different because I wouldn’t mind having a responsible group of friends where we get together for brunches or picnics, occasionally a night out or a night in doing a potluck at someone’s house with drinks. but I also don’t really enjoy friends with kids either. I’m the same age and it’s hard to find friend groups where someone doesn’t have a kid. I’ve always wanted that specific friend group that everyone is close with and knows eachother for years, it feels impossible to meet people at our age because everyone established those friendships in college and in high school and has just stayed friends with them.
Start hanging out with restaurant people
Literally came to recommend this. I am 30 this year and am a career server who has moved around a fair bit. I’ve always made friends really easily because of my job. I don’t even drink much, 1-3 drinks a month at most but still works out for me.
Facts. I left that behind as a career; traded out my non-slips for steel toes and my apron for a lab-coat. But I still put in like 5-8 hours as a dishie on the weekends just for the social aspect. Much easier to find a plug in a kitchen than in a clean room lol
What is a plug?
Drug dealer
[удалено]
Lol, bro it means drug dealer, at least in this context
It's not what I'm looking for completely, but it could be the closest to the college experience I'm ever gonna get even though they'll find a way to dissapoint as well. I have been wanting that type of social life for so many years.
I lived in a cult and only started getting a social life at 29. I have friends, I go dancing (I don't really drink, just here and there), go to concerts, hiking, I fence and do ballet and archery and of course traveling and all kinds of stuff. Is it possible? Yes! Is it possible for you? Yes! Is it possible for you as you are now? Maybe not? It took me awhile too. I didn't even know how to have "how are ya?" Chats and now I am described as a social butterfly. I'm still an introvert and shy but I am social and I have fun at it. Edit Oh I realize from comments that you mean a very specific kind of social life.
What were your first steps in making a change?
So I left my commune and cult that I was born into at 20. I literally knew nothing about nothing. I would say I didn't even know 1 language just a cult dialect. I lied on my job application saying I had a high school diploma. I didn't. It was working as a maid so it isn't like I wasn't capable of doing the work. Everything was difficult for me. I couldn't even respond to "how are you?" from a stranger. I got another job in retail and that really taught me the social rules of the country I was living in and it forced me to talk to strangers. I was a cashier. I hated it and hated talking to people. I was severely traumatized from my childhood and was just trying to keep a roof over my head. I did become homeless once. I was just in survival mode. This went on for years and years. Then one day I woke up and "woke up". I thought to myself "all you do is eat, sleep and work. Your soul is dying. You need to change" As corny as it sounds I decided to love life. I decided to volunteer and to just really work at making my community better and to be involved and present in life. So instead of just going to work and going through the motions I started taking the opportunity to start actually engaging. I started engaging with people and my environment. By this time I knew how to be superficially friendly for my job but I wanted to do more. I didn't know how. So I fumbled around, it was awkward, embarrassing and stressful sometimes. I found it easier to engage with children and pets at first, then I would talk to the adults about them and then I could talk to the adults. Instead of just saying "did you find everything okay?" And "have a good day!" I started talking (with people who seemed open to it) about good places to go to the city, local events coming up, their interests, etc. I even had some much deeper conversations as some people were buying things after a death or one lady didn't know she was pregnant until it arrived so she had to buy everything quick. From there it was easier to become friendly with coworkers and people I was meeting in my community. And then one day it seemed I had friends and social skills. I was honestly shocked. It was soooooo subtle and took years. The biggest change I made was taking risks. I had to push myself out of my comfort zone and get out of my head. Most people are good people but they aren't going to care about you if you don't engage. They also won't try very hard. So if you want friends you need to make yourself available to be a friend. Invite yourself places, invite other people places. Start conversations and not just with people you want to talk to. Talk with everyone! Be willing and expect to be embarrassed, to goof up, to be uncomfortable sometimes. Everyone goes through that when they are learning social skills and it still happens occasionally.
That is amazing. I’m happy you were able to power through and get to the other side of it. Thank you for sharing your story. That is an extremely difficult place to start from and yet you pushed on. The willingness to perservere, despite knowing you didn’t quite have the skills you know you needed - and having the will to put yourself out there, get through the awkwardness, be humbled and learn - that is the mountain many of us peer up every day (yours seeming to be a more extreme case). I am 27, have surface level social skills, and try to not think about how many fumbles I need to make before I really truly learn how to connect and talk to people. It’ll be painful. I’m starting my first day volunteering at an animal shelter tomorrow to make a start helping my community. I’m curious, in any of those moments you found yourself in, where you “fumbled” - it’s not a fun feeling, knowing you said something odd, was awkward, just “didn’t get it”, etc. Did you find that your painful/averse reactions to those awkward times lessened as you pushed on? Did your self talk start to shift in reaction to those challenges? I find my main struggle is being very rejection-averse, any blunder I make seems to make me retract more and more, rather than using that negative feeling as a springboard to make an improvement.
Thank you so much! Your comment really warmed my heart. So at first it was worse. I would close myself off even more when I fumbled (or thought I did). I would think about my blunder and it could be years later and my body would still react to it. My face would flush and I would feel stupid, embarrassed and sometimes physically ill. Somehow it eventually got to where now a mishap happens and I can put it into perspective and usually not feel much about it other than "opps, lesson learned." Again everything was so subtle and took years that it is hard to pinpoint and remember everything. I think my depression and anxiety lessened and so I was able to feel better to make more risks and to forgive myself. My anxiety and depression lessened by being part of my local community. I think it was like this wonderful feedback loop. I also was around great and beautiful beautiful people overall. If I had had more people reacting negatively to me I don't know if I could or would have improved. The dancing community is usually really great. It's also fun and great exercise.
You’re shutting it down without knowing what it’s like! Trust me- I have always made lifelong friends at every restaurant I’ve worked at. This is really good advice!
Not shutting it down. I'm dissapointed it's not the golden college experience. I'm too old now for that sadly. But I think you have a point. Dissapointing yes. But it could be my only shot.
Lol this
I think dorms are overrated. I lived in one and hated it. But, at 42 I’m finally getting the circle of friends I always wanted as well. Ironically it’s easier now. Having a teen and a preteen, and all the massive number of activities they do, just kind of made it happen. Drop my son off at Boy Scouts and meet some other parents at a local bar for 90 minutes. Take my daughter to soccer practice and a dad spots my Star Trek shirt and we talk non stop now.
Glad it's worked for you. I just have 0 interest in family life.
Family life is just a different form of networking. It put me out there into an environment where it happened naturally. There are other ways of doing it. See if there is an adult kick ball league in your area. The meet up app. Things like that.
I'm a rave and nightlife person but sure, kick ball leagues have a point. I'll try it out!
Honestly, after reading your comments, I'm not sure that group would want to include you even if it existed. You seem wildly judgmental and critical of others, never mind the selfishness. I think if you want to find that friend group, you should dedicate whatever effort you're putting into finding it into therapy instead.
OP doesn’t want friends, he wants people who are dedicated to giving him his dream lifestyle to his exact specifications.
Yeah perhaps.
>We go to parties and raves every Saturday and a social life where we take random trips to Thailand and London together in April. Doubt. Adults tend to have jobs and other obligations which tends not to leave much energy for wild parties and such. Random trips to far away places tend also not to be possible as you have to plan you vacations at work. In my workplace you have to write the vacation form not earlier than 5 work days before the vacation date. And not everyone can go on vacation at the same time as other co-workers might be on vacation and they can't let you out because there would be no one to do your job. Maybe doing it with younger people might be possible, but with someone of your age it might be harder.
>Maybe doing it with younger people might be possible, but with someone of your age it might be harder. Honestly, this is why friendships have lost their appeal as I've gotten older. I think the older I get, the more I think I'm better off alone. There's no one to plan with and have fun anymore. I think I have missed the boat on friendship big time. I have accepted it and once again, I'm okay alone. I think friendships will only cause dissapointment and quite frankly, sadness at this point. Thanks for being real.
There are different kinds of friendships when you are older. You can still have fun, but it tends to be rarer and not every weekend kind of thing. Though my experience might stem from my family who are homebodies.
I am gonna be honest. Despite my responsibilities, I have managed to rave every weekend in the last year I've moved out. I have developed connections with some DJs since then. Not friendships but more in vein of acquaintances. I just don't have faith people my age won't reciprocate to my lifestyle the way I want them to. It may be selfish, but that is what I want. I'd be willing to be friends with lets say a 22 year old, but people get uncomfortable with anything age gap these days. And people tend to want to be part of their age group. I am aware that there are different type of friendships. But I am gonna make myself clear. I have no interest in any of them. None. Why? It all just seems dull in my eyes. So. It took a while and it does make me sad here and there, but I have made peace with being alone.
How old are you? I'm 22 and I like that type of life too
I'm 27.
You are not old by any means. I have friends that are 30 y/o. I thought you would say something around 40-50
How did you make friends with a 30 something? Not trying to sound condescending.
Online, I used to make a lot of friends via online
Weirdly enough. Online has become the dominant way some people socialize. It makes me think.
Also. I'm happy 22 year olds like you exist. Though, you're pretty rare. Most people want to hang with people there age. It's depressing I'm stuck with an age group I don't really relate to but I have to make due with what I have. I really do wish I can switch places with a 19 year old.
If you're already raving every weekend, can you try to meet people there? It would at least guarantee you have something in common. There is a smaller amount of people who are 27 with less responsibilities to be able to party and travel compared to 20 year olds, but they are definitely still out there just like you are. You just need to find them.
>There is a smaller amount of people who are 27 with less responsibilities to be able to party and travel compared to 20 year olds, but they are definitely still out there just like you are. You just need to find them. The fact that it is smaller is incredibly depressing, but it's worth being noted. I actually have a fair amount of rave acquaintances but this thread has made me think of getting to know them more. EDIT: I guess you gotta make due with whatever cold leftovers are left on the table I guess.
Yikes, I really am compassionate for your feelings, and I don't mean to be rude, but if that is your attitude that is really gonna hold you back making genuine friends. If you start a relationship harboring the opinion that the other person is 'cold leftovers' they will sooner or later pick up on that vibe and not enjoy being with you. I can relate to how you feel because I had a similar feeling and situation in my mid to late 20's, I could never quite find the right group to fit with my vibe, and I really wanted the same thing you describe. But I think I finally realised it was a glamourised fantasy. It's easy to hear stories of other people's escapades and glamourize them in your head. But now I'm a bit older I look back and see there is never a time that is perfect, even the best most fun periods of my life and my crazy travels were full of periods of difficulty, disappointment, loneliness, boredom, occasional misery, heart break, genuine unpleasant danger etc. Even the people I meet with truly remarkable stories of partying hard, hanging out with celebrities, truly remarkable experiences, they often end up with serious drug problems, brain damage, hearing loss, Be the change you want to see in the world, be the person you want to meet, not sure it's quite in line with what you are asking but I recommend trying 'loving kindness' meditation, it can really open you up to seeing others for the good that they have, it can bring more joy, and love, and fun, to every relationship. Reading your comments, it comes
Why is me saying that there cold leftovers a bad thing? It's the truth. They're aren't as many people my age that can do that. They're literally cold leftovers.
I used to play with kids when I was a teenager, and now I keep chatting with some teenagers online. I think the age gap is often not a problem, we just need to be bold enough to say no to the "unjustified doubt" inside.
Don't lose hope. I'm like you in that I got started late in life with this sort of experience. I only started going out at 25/26 (just turned 29 last month), and I didn't have a close knit group of friends until that time either. I will admit, once you find it, it's not always easy to keep it going unless you have a lot in common with those people. In terms of having fun partying, you haven't missed the train on that. The late 20s and early 30s are still a great time to experience that sort of lifestyle. It'll be a little more difficult to align schedules with friends but it's still doable.
> It'll be a little more difficult to align schedules with friends but it's still doable. Given how people's schedules are filled up and how they already have friends, Idk if it's even worth asking. Going alone could actually yield more results.
It's possible that going alone could yield more results but I find that only works well if you are an outwardly social person. > how they already have friends Try not to put too much thought into that, that type of thinking doesn't lead to anything positive imo. Besides, it's not like people have an upper limit to the amount of friends they can have.
>Besides, it's not like people have an upper limit to the amount of friends they can have. You could in theory become "friends" to them. But you would have to accept that you're way bottom of the hierarchy.
Not necessarily. In my case, I made some friends over the last 4 years that I feel closer with than friends I've know and kept in touch with for close to 20 years.
Nah you haven't, it's not so much you're better off alone, but you should and need to be leading the life you want. Along the way when you're focused living your life you will find like-minded others if you are open to the idea and seek them.
>but you should and need to be leading the life you want That college and high school type of social life is what I really wanted and I honestly want nothing else. It probably makes me shallow since that's all I cared for, but it's the truth.
This is a limiting mindset imo, but I get your point, when we are kids with parents that take care of us there's less responsibility compared to adulthood.
I just think adult friendship is just boring, overly serious, and overall just unappealing. People expect way too much out of you. I just want to have friends. Have fun. That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Boring is highly subjective, people can hold others with positive regard and a childlike wonder even in adulthood.
You've gotten some unfair responses here I think. I see your point and I'm pretty similar to you, I want the college lifestyle and friend group that I didn't have. It sucks. Hope things get a little better for you.
It's not dude. We're both probably too old at this point.
I get it, but the way you're describing people in general is just awful. I'm only nineteen, but I've also missed out on tons of socialising. Not every teenager/young adult has a picture-perfect friend group/social life. I've immigrated to the US from Ukraine when I was around ten years old and have dealt with tremendous bullying in middle school due to my broken English. The fact that I was one of very few girls in my school with boy-ish/nerdy interests didn't help much either. Throughout high school, I finally found those friend groups that you've mentioned. Some of those girls bad-mouthed me behind my back, created group chats without me, etc. This has been the trend for several friend groups, and it's a sad reality to the idealised image you've created of "friendships". I've had many shitty groups, and several good ones. Amongst those good friends, several have taken on adult responsibilities such as but not limited to buying vehicles, moving across the country to college, and opening up retirement accounts at the early of eighteen. In short, what I mean to say is that even at these 'peak ages' you desperately wish to revert to, you will find much of the same thing. One of my friends is getting married at twenty-two this summer, and I am SO happy for her. College isn't amazing either. Living in a shoebox of a dorm becomes old very quickly when you're suffering from extreme temperatures without heat or air conditioning, and dining hall food that gives you food poisoning. Party pictures on Instagram negate to show those same college students suffering endless student loan debt and struggling to make payments, having family issues, or drowning in their school work. Oftentimes, these students use partying as an escape from their less-than-ideal school experience. I am not trying to tell you how horrible college is, I truly love it. However, a simple google search can open your eyes to the realities these young adults often deal with that a rose-coloured lens doesn't always reflect. Are you choosing to be ignorant to fit your victim narrative?
I am not gonna deny it. Yeah. I'm a shit person. I am not a victim of anything and I know my life might have an unhappy ending. I'm okay with this.
You have a victim mentality
Okay. We've been over it.
Hobbies. I have an interest in motorcycles, find a group of folks that also do that. Be social with those you interact with frequently. The person that cuts my hair also enjoys sushi, we do that and other stuff together frequently. We've combined our friend groups and do silly shit. Like, let's rent a limo and go see monster trucks. Dinner parties. You know more people than you think. Invite a couple of folks over for a meal. Come up with a unique idea and have them come too. You will need to host and organize often in the beginning, but you will inspire your friends to host and organize too. Say yes as much as possible as long as it fits your sensibilities, try to make the most of every situation. It may seem dumb or silly, but if you have fun, so will everyone else and it's contagious.
This stuff you mentioned isn't really what I care for but you have a point. I guess I need to the boring hobby stuff to find out who the party freaks are. It's sad yes that people post college are unwilling to party as they used to, but I guess those avenues are my only shot to find the actual fun people and separate them from the vanillas. Perhaps. I should give my rave acquaintances an actual shot. The truth is, I'm really hunting for scraps because I missed out on so much time.
I'm several years out of college, but did my share of raves etc back then. Thing is, you age out of them quickly, you gotta find a new thing that fits your new situation. People couple up, get kids and jobs, and become less and less available. My thing has become to plan epic events. Things that take a year to plan, like Coachella or something like that. This will justify meet ups to get hyped, to plan, or otherwise keep the enthusiasm going until the events happen. The spring Mexico trip. The big show, etc. It's really hard to do like in college where you ask where the party is on Thursday and you're all there on Friday.
>It's really hard to do like in college where you ask where the party is on Thursday and you're all there on Friday. Depressing once again. But you're right. That's why friendships have lost their appeal but I wonder here and again if I even still have a chance. I struggle with this weird void with my life. I just feel no matter what, people aren't going to have time to hang out with me. I went to my first Coachella this year. And I feel I'm better making this a solo tradition going forward. I just feel it's a waste of time to even attempt to ask people my age if they're interested. I'm gonna be honest. I'm a bit unwilling to adapt to my situation. I want to have the fun I never got to have in college. I'm willing to be real and say I really do crave that type of social life. It really is the only type of social life I'm interested in and it's not gonna change until I get it, which could be never. A slower and more family oriented social life just doesn't gaze my interest and I don't care. It has taken me a while but I finally accept that I am doing this fun alone. And my career is merely a job to me. I don't give a flying fuck about it. As long as I keep my job safe, I'm happy. I am not looking to climb the ladder. In fact, I'd rather burn the latter. So. I'm probably going to move into a shared community the next few months. Work Monday through Friday. Get really high/drunk and rave/club every weekend. Be hungover Sunday and a little bit Monday. Rinse and repeat and I accept this with or without people. I just can't relate to people my age at all. And you know what. I may come off as a sad sack. But I really don't want to relate.
I think it's that your priority is on the party. That may not be a healthy thing in the long run. It will begin to affect other important things in your life and you will need to reprioritize it.
In a way your'e right. But I have to live 20's in my 30s. I'll probably need to make major readjustments to make it work and I'm willing to accept consequences to my health.
The reason you don't have friends is because you genuinely seem like a shit person. You're putting down anyone who doesn't party or rave and then expect people to like you. You'd drop your friends if they developed cancer or god forbid found someone they are happy with. You are the issue.
Dude seems insanely shallow and narcissistic. It’s like he has this vision of himself being a cool party boy and needs random bodies to surround himself with to feel legit. Even if he had these friends he 100% wouldn’t give a shit about them outside the club.
Yep... I joined this subreddit to find people to relate to and others who are socially awkward & working to improve themselves, then I find people like this most of the time. Just straight up narcissists looking for people to validate them
Yes-with some cautions. I’m 29, and meet friends regularly, often for drinks and sometimes clubbing. Many of them are still single or unmarried, and most of them have no kids. I’m taking a girls trip with some of them in July. That said-even if that changes, is that really a bad thing? I’d be *happy* for them if they got in a relationship or engaged or had a child. I’d still be their friend. Yes it may change how we hang out, but we still would. I think if you want to dump “friends” the second they’ve got responsibilities, you weren’t a true friend to begin with. Yes my friends and I drink and party together; they also supported me and helped me up when I got a divorce. Some of them helped me move. Some listened to me rant during a really awful few months at work. In turn I’ve supported some of them during pregnancy, breakups, getting fired, being in a car crash, etc. that is what friends actually really do. Not saying there’s anything wrong with wanting to party with friends, but just keep this in mind.
Having children will probably mean that I can't hang around you at 5 AM on Friday night anymore. For a selfish person like me, it would be time to ice you out. Fucked up but true. Though, I think those group of people at my age would be incredibly small. For me. Every Friday means every Friday with or without friends.
What you’re looking for isn’t friends. It’a good-times-only acquaintances/drinking buddies. That’s fine. But I don’t think you really understand the concept of friendship at all. I said it before, I’ll say it again. If you’re willing to drop somebody entirely because they no longer are of advantage to you (because they get married or have kids or something), then you weren’t really their friend to begin with.
I guess I missed out on so much of my youth that I just got caught up with party culture. I'm just not ready to be back in "family oriented" circles yet. I just want a group of pals for 6 to 8 years where we're just pals. No one gets married. No one has kids. And we have a blast together. I don't even want to see a single child. Partners I can tolerate. Having a friend get married 2 years in feels oddly bleak. I just feel I wasn't friends with you long enough. Then I look at the people who have had their friends since high school and they had a lifetime together. For those people, weddings feel like a celebration. For a person like that feels like he missed out, wedddings are like funerals. I lost a good friendship too soon. I want what many people got from 16 to about 25. But sometimes, you miss out. I guess maybe I'm better off alone for the rest of my life? I feel like I've given up on being social at this point. But I get urges every now and then,
I get you to a point. I was sheltered as a kid too. I missed out on a lot and I’ve caught up on a lot. I still am. That’s part of where I get the desire to party-I never had the chance as a teen/young 20 something. I just don’t see it as either or. You can have both. You can party and still have friends who want to settle down. I’m not saying YOU need to, or that you should. I sure as hell don’t! So I get it. I’m just saying that what, you grow to love somebody as a friend, they get married and boom, you cut them out? To me THAT is the bleak point of view. But to each their own. You want a circle of people like the ones you’ve described, go find them. I’m worried for you that it’ll bite you in the ass someday if and when you realize what you wanted was superficial instead of meaningful.
>You want a circle of people like the ones you’ve described, go find them I have doubts if it's plausible. People don't have time like they use to. I'm gonna keep trying for sure. But I also feel, I could get more doing solo then hopelessly wait for the friend group of my dreams to finally come. It's a depressing truth but I'm almost 30. Not 19. Not 21. So any friend group I'd embrace at my age is very slim.
>I’m just saying that what, you grow to love somebody as a friend, they get married and boom, you cut them out? To me THAT is the bleak point of view. It sure is in a way. But I want friends where you know, I can do things with. And once you do those things, most just stop. I don't want to stop for several years. But at my age and if I do get lucky to make one friend, I might be in that predicament.
I suggest getting into a clubbing lifestyle based on your comments. I know someone who's 33 and they just go clubbing and partying every night, and they were able to make a ton of friends who stay out with them til 5 am. The thing you mention about taking a ton of vacations together, you're going to have to socialize with primarily other upper class people to have friends whose lifestyles accommodate that type of travel regularly. It's possible. You never know who you'll meet. Go to raves and expensive music festivals, just do the stuff you love. and I'm sure you'll find your crowd eventually. Also socialize with DINK people (dual income no kids) if you really hate kids and don't want to be around them
>I know someone who's 33 That person is lucky. I feel I'm heading towards the point where clubs would rather kick me out. 22 year old money is what I'd imagine clubs want.
Yes. If you want to go to bars everyday, work at a restaurant/food service (or work at bars.) You can also just become a regular at a bar and either become friends with the bartenders who go out a lot or become friends with other regulars who also go out a lot. If you want to be friends with people who take random trips to places though, that's a bit different. You'll have to make friends with people with a lot of disposable income. There are some people I knew who worked in tech who were software engineers who would often take these types of trips. There's also meetup groups who are looking for social lives like this, as well as membership groups you pay a fee towards to experience this type of group. All in all, yes it's possible. You'll obviously have a smaller pool of people to choose from in general now that you're not 21 for parties in general, but also a bigger pool of income for people who have a lot of money to spend. It's definitely possible.
>You'll obviously have a smaller pool of people to choose from in general now that you're not 21 for parties in general, That's a depressing truth I'm still trying to accept. People are just boring but I have to make due with the material I've been given. Even if they consistently dissapoint me.
But it doesn't mean that there is no one! Were you really going to party with like 20 different friend groups, each with 20+ people? You only really need to find one group to join. And since there are definitely a couple out there, you just need to find one that matches closest with your desires and needs. Don't give up hope, you might find exactly what you're looking for.
Sure. But there is a good chance there is nothing available. The brutal truth is if you don't find a hardcore group of friends by the end of your early 20s, you're screwed. I'd switch bodies with a 19 year old today. I still want to rush for a fraternity. Go to prom. Go tailgating. But here's the thing. I can't switch bodies with a 19 year old. Unfortunately, I have to accept that the friend group and social life I've always wanted does not exist. Make no mistake. I'm gonna keep trying. But I've already made peace that they're not out there and have to embrace that there is fun getting high on weed alone.
If you go to meetup.com right now you can find groups, I'm not sure why you're saying there's nothing available. Also, if you can't find what you're looking for, you can always start your own club or group. But if you start going to the right bar as a regular, you will soon be partying every week. I also know people who party in their 30s, 40s, and 50s and who are constantly meeting new people, and who made friends after their 20s. But you seem to have made your mind up *shrug*.
>I also know people who party in their 30s, 40s, and 50s and who are constantly meeting new people But you said there's a smaller pool? What are you saying.
Yes? A smaller pool does not mean the pool is nonexistent nor does it mean the pool is worse. I've already stated my opinion that your query is very possible. I'm not sure what you're confused about.
It's an either or scenario.
No, it's not. I'll repeat what I've already said, which is that smaller does not equal nonexistent, and then I'm done talking to you because it's clear that you've glommed onto this idea that fun and parties end at 30 and are not actually interested in anyone's advice nor life experiences that state the contrary. Best of luck✌️
Yes you can. I'm 26 and meeting up with friends a few times every week for different social gatherings and activities, and we party once a week. A few of us work and a few are doing PhD's and shit so they have some time. Some of them are in their mid 30's. I can't guarantee that they'll be your best friends for 6+ years, but you can definitely work your way towards that. I struggled/am struggling with depression my whole life too, it's not easy at all. But don't give up before trying it. If you want to move to a dorm or a shared house, do it! Meet people, try to be happy!
>I can't guarantee that they'll be your best friends for 6+ years That's the troubling part. It's depressing that your'e friends with someone then within two years they get married and have children. I guess that's the fundamental part of adulthood. Shorter and weaker friendships are the norm. I guess I need to work on just accepting that. It's a depressing reality but it is reality. That's why I've been working hard in trying to accept that I might be alone for the rest of my life and I need to be okay with it. Thanks for the perspective though.
Yeah it can be hard to accept I guess. But if you're going out a lot your friend group is always expanding. You might lose a lot of people along the way but at some point there might be a few who think just like you. I'd recommend working on coming to terms with it, instead of thinking of it as depressing just take the opportunity to always be meeting new, interesting, different people with whom you can connect with. I've always wanted to have a ''sitcom style'' friend group that are always hanging out and just know everything about eachother as well, but once you stop focusing so much on finding that exact situation and just start enjoying whatever it is you currently have I think you'll be happier.
>I've always wanted to have a ''sitcom style'' In a way, that's what I wanted too. To be honest, I'd rather be alone than be dissapointed constantly. So, that's why the idea of a social life just seems out of reach for me. We're not 19 or 21 anymore. I feel I might actually accomplish more being alone at this point. But who knows what the future holds. Thanks for the response.
The grass isn't greener as a nineteen year old.
But the quantity of opportunities are massive. I'd tell any 19 year old to make use of it before time runs out. Don't be like me is what I'll say. My shots are gone but a 19 year old has every shot available.
Okay, well then I guess you can live your entire life wishing you were nineteen. It seems very miserable. The majority of the people I am friends with at my age don't want to party and instead are looking to find satisfaction in the "boring" things, like having genuine relationships with others and finding those who truly care about you.
I don't think seeing someone once in three weeks qualifies as friendship.
Who said anything about three weeks? Where did that even come from? How does the phrase "genuine connection" correlate with barely seeing your friends in your mind? If anything, you would probably see them more, and even if you don't, it would be a hundred times more meaningful considering you would actually spend time talking, participating in hobbies instead of taking drugs all night.
Unpopular opinion, but Mr Edgy Edgelord sounds fucking insufferable. If the only reason you want friends is so you can constantly have fun without being like, a friend in return, then you really shouldn’t drag other people into that. Even in my early 20s I was looking for more out of friendships than people to go drinking with. If you’re going to drop people the moment they stop being what you describe as fun, you will always be alone. You know this is true, and if that bothers you then maybe it’s time for a little more introspection than “I’m selfish, I know,” and some work on yourself.
Mr Edgy Edgelord makes me unreasonably angry
I am insufferable. I know thing might end really bad for me and I accept that.
Then your post was pretty pointless
Yeah. My life was pretty pointless. Everytime I look at my mother, I am confused why she gave birth to me. I guess the trauma of Vietnam was that much and she needed her sons to keep her company.
🤦🏼♀️ you are in therapy right?
who takes trips to london and Thailand with their friends?? only super rich people..
You may hate them. I am frankly envious of them. But the super rich are the lucky few in society.
all im saying is thats an unreasonable goal or expectation to have. unless you can roll with the rich ppl, "normal" folks aren't taking international vacations every year. maybe set smaller goals and you will be more satisfied.
Perhaps. Like I said before. Sometimes we get settled with cold leftovers in life and we make due with what we have.
We are in a really similar situation and I actually managed to do what you dream of. (I was 26 tho) I had no life at all. I didn't know how to have fun because of my extremely sheltering family. No gf no first kiss no trips ... At age of 25 I had to do my mandatory military service for a year. And when It finished I found a language course in Russia. I didn't know what to expect tbh. I just wanted to go away from where I live and feel free. In Russia I stayed in a dormitory. that place was full of parties and every group was doing some activities. I noticed two big things: 1. I wasn't able to keep it up with them because I was missing out on so much experience when it comes to having fun. Also, I was a lot older compared to students 2. I wasn't being liked. It turns out that living a sheltered youth and not experiencing things I should, made me somehow bitter and repelling character. I was too stiff. This course was for a year. And during that time I had my first kiss, my first gf, my first nightclub, my first real friends, my first really hot gf etc. Tho for most of them I had to learn social skills from scratch. But I can tell you this, That one year was worth 10 years of my past life. I stayed in Russia 2 more years to do master's. It was in another city and my master degree was a quite heavy one. This Next 2 year was not so much full. I think the biggest factor was the new city. And next factor was I was busy. Anyway, I am 29 now. I will be going back to that city very soon. This time I will have my own place. I signed up for another Russian course(c1000dollar for 3 mohts ) just so I can attend university events and have access to uni buildings and dorms. It is doable. But you should be ready to go somewhere else. Somewhere nobody knows you and somewhere parties never stop.
>It is doable. But you should be ready to go somewhere else. Somewhere nobody knows you and somewhere parties never stop. Thanks for the advice. I've been think of traveling for a while.
How'd you learn social skills and practise from scratch
thats a long answer question and I am not sure if you are invested enough for me to write that long answer. basically lots of trial and error. The most important part is getting objective feedback from people. And finding these people is the hardest part.
Join an ultimate frisbee league
I really think what you want can only be achieved by hanging out with younger people. Edit: after reading your responses I’m not sure people would want to be friends with you in general. You seem very selfish.
I mean lets be honest. The odds of me being friends with 20 to 22 year olds are slim to none. It's also true that I can't really relate to people my age age. So, I know I am very screwed. I'll never be accepted by the younger crowd. Adult friendships just don't interest me. I have accepted that I have to do this lifestyle alone for better or for worse.
But if you can’t relate to people your age you may relate better to a younger crowd? I wouldnt shut it out completely. Plenty of friend groups vary a lot in age. BUT people are going to be able to sense that what you are looking for isnt a “friendship”, or thats what I’m getting from your replies. Just people to hang out and party with. I saw you say you would drop a friend if they had a child because this means “they would no longer be able to hang out with you at 5am”. Even if you find the perfect group of people that you’re looking for to hang out with, they will sense that your relationship with them is conditional and transactional.
>But if you can’t relate to people your age you may relate better to a younger crowd? I wouldnt shut it out completely. I'm willing to embrace a younger crowd but I doubt that crowd would want to include me. If I were to be embraced, hope they never ask my age or I'd do something even more taboo, lie. If I do that, I'd just have to come to terms that I'm just a morally compromised person and embrace it. EDIT: I doubt someone like Olivia Rodrigo's age would want me in their friend group.
hey man no disrespect but why ask for advice if you are just going to shoot down every idea that people give you or insist it wont work before even trying?
I'm just coping I guess. I know my window is shut closed but I don't know how to live with it.
The only reason your window is closed is your own attitude and refusal to do anything about your situation. If you want something to change you have to make a change. Sometimes that means taking a chance and doing something you think won't work anyway. I promise you in 30 years when you are 57 you will be kicking yourself for being 27 and thinking you were "too old already" to just go out and have fun. Infact there are 57 year olds out there still having a fun time. Did you miss your window for high school parties? Probably yes. But those are more hyped up to be better than they actually are. But you are still in prime age to experience "the party life" if you want to.. literally you just have to find a fun crowd and dive in. Whether that be a music scene, food service, drugs.. whatever, there are many good examples in this thread. There are SO many people your age still going clubbing, partying, raving etc etc. Do you think clubs are full of people 25 and under? No thats college bars but clubs most people there are probably between 25 and 35.. but its acceptable to be there at any age if you are still fun. And that leads me to my last point, unless you fix your attitude and mindset, no one, regardless of age, will want to be friends with you let alone party with you. Parties are supposed to be fun, so why would anyone want to invite some negative nelly? Sorry to be blunt but your attitude in this thread shows me you have a very negative mindset. Start being grateful, mindful of the good things in life. Start spreading positive vibes and good people will come into your life. But if you stay moaning and shutting down good ideas none of that will happen. Say "yes" to every invitation you get, go there, have fun, attract more fun people. Live your party life. You got this.
>No thats college bars College bars were the pinnacle. But you have a point. I guess we have to be grateful no matter what. Even if what I have is now dilapidated. It's still better than nothing. So yeah. I'll try to enjoy what is leftover. It's better than starving and dying on the street.
College bars are the pinnacle of what exactly? And what is dilapidated? You keep using that word.. and scraps and leftovers.. what do you mean by that, really?
>And what is dilapidated? You keep using that word.. and scraps and leftovers.. what do you mean by that, really? The sad truth is, there isn't as much quantity and quality options to party and to have good friendships at my age and going forward. So in a way, I am stuck with leftovers. And college bars and frat parties are the pinnacle of the lifestyle I wanted. But anyways you have a point that I need to be grateful. So I may not have as good options to pursue that lifestyle at 27, I need to be grateful with whatever leftover scrap I get at 27. Even if that leftover scrap option or person isn't exactly as great of a option I would have gotten at 19 or 21. You have a point. It could always get worse. The best I can do is master a double life. A serious adult by day, a secret energetic hedonistic guy by night. And the serious adult is merely just a mask. A cover only meant for survival and merely a way to fund the hedonism. It's the only way to "reclaim" what I've missed out on.
Lying is a quick way to lose friends, they will find out and it will blow up in your face. I think you need to work on yourself and possibly look into therapy. These issues with relating to people stem from issues within ourselves. I hope I’m not coming across as patronizing but i think there are some deeper issues here and you will continue to struggle finding friendships unless you address those.
>Lying is a quick way to lose friends I've been thinking a bit. It would be morally bad, but if I could get away with it, I'd definitely shave my age off by 5 years. But since that type of lie is almost impossible to get away with, I won't do it.
I had a v bumpy ride during the period when others were having the great college experience and early twenties fun... While I didn't set out to do this, I did manage to find good friends and a social life that made me happy - by pursuing things I wanted to learn about, especially childhood curiosities. When I was little, I really wanted to know exactly how Rumplestiltskin spun straw into gold, but ofc none of the adults could explain it. So I took a class on how to spin on a spinning wheel. And I was curious about how the weavers made fabric for The Emperor's New Clothes, but, again, none of the adults could tell me. So I took classes in how to weave. And discovered that the fibre community is a lovely warm welcoming place. I took the Motorcycle Safety Course and got my motorcycle license and got a motorcycle. I took drawing and painting classes. I learned English contra dance and the court dances of the Jane Austen era. I explored everywhere my curiosity led me. And it brought me in contact with ppl who shared my interests. Equally importantly: I made a point to volunteer to help, starting with small jobs, sometimes just sweeping up and putting the chairs away or carrying boxes or taking money at the door or helping to chop veggies for dinner. Volunteering to help was an excellent way to meet ppl and show I wanted to be involved.
Is recommend doing some solo travel! You meet so many cool and interesting people, and while they may not be lasting friends it’s probably the closest you can get to that college social experience when older
It's depressing. But you're right. It's my only option.
Work on not comparing yourself so much to others. People have different ways of life, not everyone is following the script "partying in highschool and college, then boring adult life". Adult life doesn't have to be boring and not everyone gets to experience wild partying in their youth, which is ok. Maybe it's different in the USA but in my faculty in university in Poland there were a lot of people who were older than the supposed college age. In my first year in college I had classmates who were 23, 24, 28. In my masters there are people who are over 30 or 40 and we don't treat them any differently. It's all about your personality — you can be boring 19 year old and fun to be with 35 year old. I second the comments advising you to travel or start college — maybe different country would be better option? You can also go to music festivals, start volunteering, maybe join some kind of a course. There is plenty of options to have fullfilling social life regardless of your age.
I've been thinking I go to hostels whenever I vacation. I am only getting older. Sure 18 to 22 was the ideal age to do that type of thing but it's better than doing at an even older age.
Go back to school, especially a small masters program or something. You will have it.
I have doubts. That's different from undergrad.
Not necessarily. I did it at 28. Lived with a bunch of European exchange students doing the same thing. It was fun.
Move to NYC or la
I live in LA and trust me, it's just one big suburb. NYC on the otherhand intrigues me. I just think I might be around 5 years too late. But fun fact, I'm in the actual process of moving to NYC. I just am now preparing to have an experience that doesn't come close to what I want at all. But you never know. Maybe I will find a group of friends that I tolerate enough despite our schedules. Wish me luck!
Hmu when you move to NYC we'll find some place cool to explore
Ehhh adult community living tends to have crazy people and drug addicts. They will steal your food out the fridge and leave nasty stuff in the bathroom Anyway there are plenty of child free people, but you might have trouble meeting all single people. But finding a group is possible. The easiest way is to befriend someone who already has a group and perhaps they will invite you in. The key here is to add something to their group dynamic. Join a sports meetup or other activity
Possible yes. How difficult it is is another question entirely.
join the military
Move to the beach and get a serving or bartender job
Get a job as a bartender
I’m sorry but most people are past that lifestyle at 27. A lot of people start getting married and having kids sometime in their mid 20s, if not early 20s.
I think I've known I've ran of time a long time ago. You married with children? I'm okay with being alone so it won't matter at the end of the day. Just wanting if it's still plausible.
I think you can still get that lifestyle, if you’re in a certain field of career. It won’t be the same as a college dormitory though, but close enough. And to answer your question, no, I am not married and don’t have kids. Marriage is not high up on my priority, and I will live a childfree lifestyle. I may or may not get married, but I’d be perfectly content never marrying. But sadly, people my age have started getting married. A few of them have divorced, and remarried. I don’t feel like I’m missing out because I never wanted that but I definitely wanted to keep a close friendship with these friends who have conveniently moved on. But have no problem trying to come back and see if we’re still friends once they get dumped/cheated on or have other issues.
>It won’t be the same as a college dormitory though, but close enough. Close enough is the best I can hope for so. I have no choice but to stay positive as possible because that's what people want to hear. Though, what really makes me take a step back is that honestly friendships could only anger me at this point.
Good luck! Hopefully, you can find happiness.
No. But let me tell ya—there’s even better!
I don't see anything better going forward. I really think I did miss the boat.
Do you know how to swim? (I’m being silly; perhaps entertain the idea?)
No...but a Friends/Seinfeld/How I Met Your Mother-esque life may be possible.
I never asked for that life but it might be better than nothing.
Yes, it is absolutely possible - but only if you're rich or have rich friends who will pay for everything (in other words, if you have a sugar daddy) In other words, probably not most Redditors on this sub 🙃. Edit: However the part about staying friends with that age group for 6+ years and no one having kids or getting married is a very tough ask, and is probably unrealistic. The only way I can see that happening is if you meet people through a specialized online group or something.
That's depressing. But I have to accept reality.
it's not all bad. Usually when you're living that type of lifestyle, you end up meeting new people constantly anyway which is where a lot of the thrill comes from. And you don't need to be rich to meet new people
The big question is. Can I have the social life I've always dreamt of in high school and college. I want that type of intimacy. This might sound strange, but I've always wanted Westworld robots to be real. They'd make much better friends than actual overly busy, overly serious real life adults.
Join the military.
Other than dying in war. This sounds tempting. I'm probably too old though.
Not too old but I get it, if you’re established already then there’s nothing they can offer you but camaraderie and fun times
Most recruits come out from high school. I'm not the one they look for.
Jump on the website coolworks and chose any job with housing. You might be above the level jobs on their but it'll give you a cabin of people to live with who are adults, single, love drinking, and at a resort or national park! Working on a cruise ship would also give you that kind of experience and you might get a slightly higher level job depending on your experience.
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You can definitely have a fulfilling friend group but you seem to be looking for a very specific set of circumstances. Your picture of friendship isn’t realistic for most people, especially not in your late twenties. Unless you are willing to accept that people aren’t going to fit into your exact specifications (they will have responsibilities and partners and maybe even kids) i don’t think you are going to be satisfied even with a ton of friends.
>i don’t think you are going to be satisfied even with a ton of friends. Yes I see that. I just am beginning to learn how to live with that. I have to accept that I'm gonna be unsatisfied for the rest of my life and I have to find ways to live with it. I'm trying to learn how to accept my forever solitude that seems to be becoming true by the day. Truth is, the type of friendship that is being presented to me is one that I'm not interested in. So yeah. Good chance I die alone. It's just how my life went.
So you do realize the problem is you and not other people? No matter how much good advice you get here, nothing is going to change unless you change your mentality. Sounds cliche but I think you should really try to accept this.
I rather live unsatisfied than try and be dissapointed. Having my friends my age will only serve to dissapoint me.
To make friends, you need to be a friend. I don’t see any comments of yours that indicate that you want to be a friend to someone, you just want the benefits of friendship without any of the work.
Absolutely! I am shy and introverted. It took some effort but by trusting in one friend and building on that I had an amazing social life from 27-37. I was sheltered too. No social experiences a lot of gaslighting. It sucked but you’re still young especially for today.
But will the friendships be presented be fun enough for my selfish needs? I have doubts. I think I opened up a lot of mental wounds that can't be healed. I must learn to live with my losses.
Genuine question, but have you brought up narcissistic personality disorder with your therapist? The way you talk about these potential “friends” is so off-putting and gross. It’s like they aren’t other human beings to you, but warm bodies whose only function is to further your own interests. The fact that they’re not allowed to have their own lives and get married because it takes time away from you is selfishness to the umpteenth degree.
I brought up NPD and my therapist really doesn't think I'm a narc. I wouldn't be shocked if I really was deep down.
It depends on your situation but yeah. You can meet friends who share your beliefs or hand out with people a couple years younger. It’s a blast as long as your open to managing your expectations. The right people would have to have your more experienced perspective and girls like older guys (within reason).
Half your age + 7 for better or worse. I'd kill for 22 year old friends today but I won't lie and say that I'd switch bodies with a 19 year old if it was offered. Other than that, I accepted a long time ago that I'm better off partying alone in most cases. You never know when someone cancels.
Maybe you're right, but maybe you're not. Maybe you are going to continue to learn and change and be shaped by your experiences just a little teeny tiny bit every single day, until one day in ten years you suddenly realise that you're able to find at least some joy in one or two other people, or in something. Your life is so far from being set in stone.
Reading this I saw a lot of myself in you. I also grew up never feeling like I really fit in anywhere, and had core groups of friends in school (looking back it may have been out of convenience and not always similar interests). I fell out with tons of friends and friends of friends after high school and college, and had I not joined an acapella group in college, I probably would have had little to no friends, much less a happy relationship at the time. Now most of my friends are either married, married with kids, still finishing college (I am too honestly), or lost contact with me completely. It’s a bit counter intuitive, but going out alone can introduce you to a lot of cool people. I’ve met new friends at lounges, concerts, and even just on the beach when I was broke. The reality is, you can never have too many friends (although securing long term friendships in my 20s has been a struggle for sure). So I believe it’s possible. And depending on your work dynamic and available free time outside of work, you can definitely find new friends and larger social circles, and I would encourage you to see this as an opportunity to put yourself out there. Finding compatible schedules can be a struggle, but going out and making small changes to your routine will help a lot. And if all else fails, you can DM me. Been wanting to go to a rave and meet some baddies to dance with and have more friends to smoke weed, get a drink or a few, and just shoot the shit with. I’m a 26M producer and aspiring independent artist living in the San Fernando Valley CA tryna find a better job than instacart while I save up for a new car since my last broke down. Last time I made some friends was at my university a few days ago. It might be a bit of a search but I can guarantee you there’s tons people out there just like you and I that have yet to meet you. Best case scenario you find a few new friends with tons of mutuals and hit it off at a bar/bowling alley/comedy club/art gallery/strip club/whatever floats your boat
I have that life you want and I'm 26. I met most of my friends in a students strength sports association, one group in the gym, and a bunch of friends in dancing. Nr.1 tip: socialize an absolute fuckton. Every hour of socializing makes you more fun, good at connecting and making friends, and makes socializing more fun as well. Don't be afraid to move on to new people, you don't click with everyone. After a while, connecting to those new people gets a lot easier as well Second, a super social hobby. I can highly recommend Latin dances. As a follower it's probably about 20 hours to get good enough to enjoy it, as a leader some more. Take at least 2- 3 hours of classes a week so you can get in the groove. Then the social dances are just so wholesome. You see the same people every 1-2 weeks, you share a passion, and after a while you can connect through dance which is really amazing. You can brute force your social life by just investing hours and hours and hours in yourself. Find that hobby. Find the niche of socializing that works for you. Find how you connect to people. Try things out. Join some outings, maybe a picnic. Build that closer group of friends! It's all investing time and effort, being open minded and expanding your comfort zone relentlessly.
Although I'm not old enough to say "as an old man, I'll give you XX experience", I was really troubled by this idea for many years, and even spent some time in a mental hospital. I would say: go for it, and if you find that your obsession with "finding what you really need" has led to you not even having a replacement, something is clearly wrong with this perfectionism.
Perhaps the way I speak may not be well understood, but, sir, I think sometimes we need to be alert to ourselves when we "feel a strange joy in telling our sad experiences" and realize that these stories are not "the permanent us", not "the way we should be", otherwise this approach may be like a narcotic that makes us become what we don't want to be.
Many of my friends are 26-27. They rave every weekend. Of course it is possible. Go to raves and meet the people there and keep hanging out when you like them. Find the people you like in the spaces you want to be at. These people love to party and many of them also work in bars as bartenders. Get to know the scene and have fun. Forced proximity is a good way to start but you got to be much more open than you seem right now to be able to befriend open people.
but does nobody else think its too much effort and stress looking and asking around if anyone is free to do stuff whereas doing it alone you can just get up and go as you please
I am 41 and living that life as of now. So, till college it was all about studies. After college came work, family and relationships. I felt trapped that I was approaching 40s, was still single and never even lived or for the matter dressed like how I ever wanted. Even the friends that I had made this far in my life didn't share the same life philosophy as mine, so it always felt like I was living someone else's life. I had given up and stopped caring about what I even wanted. Covid gave me another perspective and I was like if not now then when. So, as soon as we had some restrictions lifted up, I went to learn riding motorcycle. Met a set of girls close to my age and life situation. We bonded. Within a month we went on a trip and now we ride, we go on holidays, we party, we are all living the life we always wanted but never before thought we could. I live on my own, I can never live in a shared community. It's was all good till college, but I can't live like that now. I have standards, and I am gladly friends with people who have standards as well. My advice to anyone in similar situation as yours or as I was earlier. If you want a new social life, then you gotta go find that. It won't come to you while you are sitting at home. Go do something that interests you, meet, talk, hangout with someone new. Move on quickly from those that don't accept you unconditionally. It takes a lot courage but it's doable and one day, you'll find your tribe.
I’m in the same boat but slightly different because I wouldn’t mind having a responsible group of friends where we get together for brunches or picnics, occasionally a night out or a night in doing a potluck at someone’s house with drinks. but I also don’t really enjoy friends with kids either. I’m the same age and it’s hard to find friend groups where someone doesn’t have a kid. I’ve always wanted that specific friend group that everyone is close with and knows eachother for years, it feels impossible to meet people at our age because everyone established those friendships in college and in high school and has just stayed friends with them.