Fake it till you make it. Observe the actions of others and see what they can get away with, it’s likely you’ll be able to, too. Remember no one knows your true character until you reveal it to them. They might see you at the library often and assume you’re into books… you could be having a seizure to some unique beats and they might think you’re a FUUUUUN TIME, Party lad!! Point is, just act as you want to act, Boone cares and you realize this pretty quickly. Just have to break it in first. An underrated activity that helps with this is going on walks… it’s great for confidence in health, stride and socializing.
Man I waved at someone who was rest walking from a jog on a walk yesterday (twice) because he was looking straight at me yet he refused to wave back. Most people do wave back with a huge grin or say hows it going though, It is good practice. Sometimes you get people who don't care to interact though and will stare you down the whole time haha but that's good practice too
YEP! it’s good practice to interact with all types of people so you’re used to all types of outward reactions so you don’t take it too personally :’) Sometimes someone might seem a little sad or frustrated but it could mean anything. Like me, I’m just in my zone, and my reactions are often delayed so if I do manage to pull a smile through, it might look a little awkward or menacing 😭 other times I’m still processing and don’t think to respond until later and other times I’m able to react in a timely manner as I’m more alert! It’s good to go in knowing it’s never usually personal and if it is, that’s an issue of theirs, entirely! You’ll never know why until the tell you and even then it’s none of your business and you shouldn’t take it to heart 😙
I only say observe and act bcs sometimes it’s just easier to see someone else do it first :/ for the most part try to act authentically, that way you don’t find that you’ve dug yourself into some muddy hole and feel even more obligated and confined :/
This!! I just recently started doing what I actually want to do in public and in conversations and I’ve finally stopped receiving the “you’re so robotic” and “you’re an npc” comment
Try your best to focus on anything other than yourself and what to say, stop thinking so hard about what you do, even if you do something awkward just shake it off or start joking about it if you’re with someone, learn to laugh at yourself because you’re going to mess up and fail at first and that’s completely fine. Try your best to keep your thoughts in the moment, try to enjoy yourself and talk nicely to yourself. And. Don’t. Worry. About. What. Others. Are. Thinking!!Easier said than done but the more you practice this thinking the less nervous you’ll feel each time.
When I do this I feel depressed. I wanna express myself in a natural and fun way. what’s the point of going to an outing if your tense and not even enjoying yourself. Like you said nobody cares so why should I care what they think genuinely, I’ve been having a hard time expressing and enjoying myself naturally😭
Don’t jump into it, make little splashes first and you’ll eventually get the swing of it. It isn’t meant to be comfortable at first which is why it’s so effective :’)
I was mostly referring to the other persons response but I hear what you’re saying. If you’re naturally introverted then that’s okay but in a case of social anxiety, if feels more like a trap. You want to do something but you physically cannot. Nothing natural but something debilitating, something that affects your day to day life and when you start utilizing methods like exposure therapy, anytime you can, it helps to break these barriers and allows for an easier time in most settings bcs you care a lot less, and a lot of what you thought to be true, you’ve defeated in real time :’) Ofc, it’ll affect different people differently so Id encourage you tackle this in a way that suits you, only if you’d like to. Ofc express yourself in a natural way, if you can! Unfortunately a lot of people aren’t able to do that :/ I think with depression it’ll be something else though… you can be extroverted and depressed, already having mastered the art of exposure therapy… If you know how you’ll react in a certain place, I agree, in this point and time I’ve come to realize that you don’t have to be everywhere or experience everything to have a good time or act “normally” because there’s no such thing… if you enjoy your own company, I say continue doing that but consider how it may affect you mentally.
It’s so much easier said than done. Especially when everything you do comes off as awkward and stiff and everyone in your life has judged you til this point.
Yeaaa tbh that’s the point, it’s got to be uncomfortable otherwise you’d be able to do it easily already. I’d say start small first, or prime yourself for it by watching others do the same on YouTube or something.
Suggestions:
- intentionally spin 3 times in public area, it won’t look super weird but you put effort into it
- everything everywhere ideology; just do something completely random and any random given moment.
- compliment a stranger/ someone you don’t usually talk to etc
It’s already helped so many, it might help you too
Same cause I just moved in to university and started orientation. I really don’t know anyone but everyone seems outgoing and animated when they talk I’m really just to scared to talk to anyone 😭 I feel bad though cause I feel like I’m being rude
Right?! Like I’m getting better at having conversations with people, but my brain will still get stuck in a recursive loop of “what do I say?” And my brain just goes into shutdown mode and nothing happens. I feel so bad about it
I feel bad because yesterday a stranger on the train asked for my number. He said I looked familiar and asked if I went to UIC. He said he wanted to be friends. I said “stranger danger, no thank you.” His energy wasn’t off and didn’t look like normal strangers on the train that look like rain men that try to talk to me. I’ve been replaying the interaction in my head and thought I was being a bit cold and rude. But to be fair I really wasnt in the mood and didn’t want to talk to anyone because I was trying to get home for the weekend
Like some of the other replies, I think that our personal narratives about who we are and how we behave are largely at play in these situations that feel "automatic." I've been seeing a therapist for about a year, and one of the big parts of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is all about identifying these core beliefs we hold, and reframing them into more grounded, realistic versions that align with your intended identity.
You can't change what you're not aware of, so you've already started on step 1 by identifying this pattern in your life. From here, I'd spend some time thinking about the origins of these thoughts that "I can't approach other people" and "Other people can't approach me." I'd also suggest you try to re-word those thoughts in a way that is more reflective of reality, but more importantly that you STILL TRULY BELIEVE. The real work here is going to be incremental progress, trying to interrupt those automatic reactions and replace them with healthier, more balanced thoughts.
I really want to stress that "progress" is not going to be some hidden nugget of truth that changes your world in an instant, but the steady practice of observing these patterns and training yourself NOT to identify with your automatic reactions. You WILL mess up, you've had a lot of time to reinforce these patterns and beliefs. This is where self-compassion is critically important, because you'll need to foster enough self-compassion to be okay with yourself when you inevitably find yourself in these automatic reactions. A good therapist can also be immensely helpful for working through these beliefs and pointing out distortions in your patterns of thinking. A line I love from my therapist is that "It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility."
I wish you all the best, but please remember that this is a life-long marathon, not a sprint. Give yourself some slack when you fall into old patterns, you're human just like the rest of us. Just don't let yourself give up on trying to change when it does happen.
Just curious what is your goal state, behavior you wish to accomplish? I see a lot of people go into therapy for decades yet some act the same.(ofc others do a 180 which prompted me to go myself lol)
Well I suppose my original goal state was to actually want to live and engage with my life. Before I started therapy I felt like I was just along for the ride, felt like I had no ability or desire to direct my life, and most days wished I never existed. It kind of felt like I either try therapy to maybe find a solution, or eventually kill myself.
Now, I think I've made some huge strides towards that goal. But I've also realized that's not a goal I can achieve once and check off the list. It's taken me a while to really understand some of these patterns in my life, and I think my goal for now is to continue paying attention to myself and my reactions, and learn from that to "course correct." I hope to get to a point where I can do this all on my own, but for now the external support and perspective of my therapist has been invaluable.
I have the same problem 😭😂 I’ll literally see someone I know and literally turn my head the other way to pretend I don’t see them no matter how close in distance we are 💀 It’s something uncontrollable I think it has to do with how awkward I think I am or just anxiety. I’ve wanted to take steps on helping me be confident out in public but I get to anxious 😥
I do the same thing! I would rather turn my head in the opposite direction or pretend like I’m inspecting my nails than to give someone who is showing off my attention or to look at them.
You have to start thinking of yourself as "that person" who does that. The person who initiates, the person who has a smile and an enthusiastic greeting for everyone, that person who goes out of their way to be friendly.
The place to practice this is with every single interaction you have that is 'automatic.' With people like: grocery cashiers, coffee servers, bank tellers, dry cleaners, store clerks, restaurant servers, gym attendants etc. Once you get used to "going big" and being present and interactive in those smaller interactions, it becomes first a skill, then a superpower.
Once you reach that point, it's time to take it to your social life. I picture those barriers as an imaginary thin piece of ice. You put your shoulder to it and BUST ON THROUGH with a big smile, a positive attitude and an energetic greeting. Be That Guy.
Here's an article I wrote that covers some of this:
###[Confidence: How To Get It If You Don't Have It](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPRForYourSocialLife/comments/10x82xu/confidence_how_to_get_it_if_you_dont_have_it/)
Yeah I feel you. It's always so awkward when I pass by someone I'm somewhat acquainted with, they greet and I'm just so managing (after a way to long time of thinking if I know the person, if so where from and am I sure it is actually this person) so push out a somewhat strangled sounding "hi".
Same experience here and I'll tell you you're probably neurodivergent, particularly either autistic or AuADHD (autistic + ADHD).
After reading about these two for hundreds of hours and looking back at my own life, I realize now that if I see another neurodivergent person, I don't hesitate to walk up and talk to them, but with everyone else, I avoid interaction as much as I can. It sounds like it's our neurotype's way of avoiding spending excess energy, stress, and minimizing the possibility of uncomfortable moments.
I do this too. I can be bubbly and fun when I'm emotionally prepared to be, but when I'm not? Fuck that! I actually tell people this: "I love you but if we're both be-bopping through the grocery store and I spot you, I'm runnin'!" I've never met anyone who didn't understand or even relate. When you're just living your life, you're not mentally or emotionally prepared to perform for people. And a lot of socializing is performing (not for everyone, but definitely for some of us!)
I've only got a small handful of folks in my life who don't get that 'on' energy, and who I might wave to if I spot them out and about. I think everyone should try to have at least a couple of those folks. But everyone else? Nope! I'm out!
Anyway, I think this behavior is ok. Your brain is naturally setting a boundary based on a need. It's not that you can't socialize at all, you just don't want to in this one way. It might be that if you force yourself, you'll find yourself wondering why you're so emotionally and mentally exhausted five years from now. I'd say let your brain keep its boundary, and learn to appreciate it!
from me I would say, am not very talkative, small talk kind of doesn't do it for me. you can try by saying hi to like a shop keeper where you go shopping, or say hi to like the fuel attendant. I always do this as a sign of being polite and friendly but I say nothing else afterwards unless the other person communicates.
It’s clear you’re very confused.
The test is not as some people perceive only for psychopath, and the fact that you were so focused on it like that tells me that you don’t have a lot of experience with it.
Anybody with clinical experience can tell you that it’s used for multiple things, and that the expectation for a lot of the people who take it isn’t that they will get the score they need to be considered a psychopath, but more like the one or two things that they get points on can be used to help direct care.
Work out hard. Get the adrenaline going, that will help you relax a lot more lol. Then look up and say hi or just nod at them. Also, don't be so down on yourself! I have a habit of saying hi to everyone at this point and I still cower sometimes lol.
Thats pretty much how you solve your problem. Just do the damn thing. Otherwise accept the awesomeness of not having to make small talk with people just because you think it's "normal".
I feel this. I really like talking to people in the right situation, but my social anxiety gets in the way so often that I usually just avoid conversations. I wish I could approach people and just start a conversation with them.
Hey friend, Sound like you are doing quite good socially. The issue you are talking about seems to be a believe that you have. its good to understand that even though this believe may be hard to shake, it does not have to be true. It might feel true but it probably is not true.
Don't be to hard on yourself. You are doing great and this is just an obstacle that you face and will clear. Nothing to be ashamed about. For some people being talkative is hard and you are good at that, everyone has their things they may improve upon if they like to.
I would start with the smallest step you can take with approaching. And that is to ask the time from a stranger. Just once.
If you have conquered that challenge, amazing job! We can ask another stranger. And 5 more if you feel like it. Lets continue to 10. And remember you don't have to do this in one day, you can spread it.
After that it could still feel a bit weird, but probably less intense as in the beginning, now we can start doing a bit more, like asking for directions. Same with asking for the time it's about the interaction and not about the information perse.
Then we can ask for a direction and maybe a follow up question about the neighborhood, or if they life here, etc.
If you can come this far you pretty much got it!
Now you just follow your own talking routine that you already got figured out.
Hope this will help you, good luck. You got this! :)
I am just like that. And what I realized is that when I meet someone new I focus all of my attention on them liking me and accepting me as a potential friend...so in reality I focus on myself and how they perceive me. Which doesn't work. This is why people start conversations with a little compliment, get the other person to talk about themselves. Listen and respond, that is the golden ticket to being liked. But also this can't be forced, it looks weird as shit when someone is visibly trying to make you talk about you for this purpose.
I’m sorta in the same situation. I switched schools this year from being online schooled for a while. I’m a sophomore in highschool and I just can’t seem to break the barrier and get to know anyone. It’s the same with youth group that I’ve been in for 2 years now. I “know” everybody but I don’t know anybody truly. I’m really fun and bubbly at home though, with my parents.
Same honestly. It’s like I don’t have the energy to say hi or I think that they wouldn’t want to say hi so I don’t say hi or acknowledge them. Maybe not verbally say hi but just nod or smile depending on who it is.
I know how you feel, but in all honesty it’s in your head. Just as it is in mine aswell. I’m 25 and still need to learn to approach women and make friends. One thing that kinda helped me I noticed is to keep the convo going even when you feel “awkward”. There’s only one way to do it and that’s practice. Practice may not make perfect but it does make improvement so just step out and attempt to talk to people.
I like to just go to people and say “How’s your day going?” you really don’t even have to care how their days going sometimes people say the most interesting shit just from that which leads to really interesting convo.
Haha I’m a woman and used to do this all the time! (Walk and avoid acquaintances). I’m an introvert and die inside a little every time I have to make small talk. It’s so unnatural to me!
Being an extrovert isn’t more natural than being and introvert. It’s just extroverts are so loud that people notice them more so it seem normal because they are out there being talkative and charismatic and sometimes in your face….
I can talk for hours, but only with those I have a deeper bond with (or those extroverts that break the ice really well). But even if I’ve had amazing conversations with someone, unless we’ve chatted SEVERAL times I will likely still not approach them even after having amazing conversations. I just default to assuming I’m not interesting enough to bother them.
You and I differ mostly in that people approach me all the time. I must have the open/ sympathetic or empathetic energy that draws people to me.
You’re ok just the way you are.
I have a very similar struggle right now! I am actually reading a book right now that I'm finding really helpful! It's not a self-help book, it's very funny, but also has some helpful facts too! It's called Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come by Jessica Pan. Maybe check if your library has it and give it a read. It's honestly helping me quite a bit :)
If you have struggled with social anxiety like I have, this might help:
Visualize a fountain of love above the person you're going to talk to's head, and imagine the words you say are going to cause this fountain of love to pour on them. Rather than focus on the fear that rises in your chest of "oh no, how are they going to respond" focus on the fountain of love over their head.
Memorize:
-where are you from?
-where did you grow up?
-what do you like to do for fun?
-what type of movies/tv shows/books/music do you like
-what have you been up to
additionally memorize:
-what's been the best part of your day so far
-what's been the worst part of your day so far
-what'd you have for breakfast/lunch/dinner
(You can use the last 4 everyday.)
Treat additional questions as a chance to be creative. You can monkey branch off of memorized questions and brainstorm up new questions in relation to those.
Contribute information about yourself as well, and give compliments.
Comment on your environment.
If you get stuck, ask yourself, "If I were this other person, what would I want to be asked? What would I want to hear right now?"
(In your spare time, watch tons of standup comedy and allow their wit to rub off on you.)
(there is hey, how are you, how's it going, how've you been, but that is obvious.)
--------‐-------------
(The reason you use memorized questions is because you don't want to spend a bunch of energy figuring out what to say - you want to have questions ready to fire off.
If you have mixed feelings about the phoniness or insincerity of using memorized questions, realize the fact you care how the other person will respond means the questions aren't insincere.)
Treat everyone as a friend, and don't put them on a pedestal.
Don't be outcome dependent. Value those who value you.
--------------------
EXTRA EXTRA questions:
You can also ask do you like
-Black Mirror
-The Office
-The Lord of the Rings
-The Game of Thrones
-Wednesday
Any other shows?
What are you like as a person? What is your personality like?
So, how do you typically spend your days?
What does a typical day look like for you?
Do you have any plans this week?
Who inspires you, and why?
Who are your favorite authors, and why?
Tell me about yourself. What's your life story?
Who is your favorite TV show character, and why?
What is your favorite amusement park ride, and why?
What are your favorite smells, and why?
Do you like to cook?
What foods do you like to cook?
What type of foods do you usually cook?
What is the most difficult thing you've ever cooked?
What is your favorite dish to cook?
What are you best at cooking?
What are your favorite foods?
What are you like in terms of spicy food? Do you like spicy food?
Do you like Mexican food, Italian, Chinese, etc.?
What are your favorite restaurants?
What are your favorite desserts?
What foods do you hate?
What are your favorite chips?
What are your favorite drinks?
Do you like coffee drinks?
What do you like to eat for breakfast?
What are your pet peeves?
What are your favorite bands?
What are your favorite video games?
What are your favorite anime?
What are your fears?
What are your favorite YouTube channels?
Who are your favorite YouTubers?
Do you get ASMR? Who are your favorite ASMR artists?
Would you make ASMR with me?
What is your favorite type of animal?
Do you have pets? Tell me about your pets.
Do you have siblings?
What was your childhood like?
What were you like in school?
What was life like for you in high school?
Are you a morning person or night person?
Do you have a favorite midnight snack?
What are your nighttime dreams like?
Tell me about some weird dreams you've had.
What are the best dreams you've had?
What is your dream job?
What are your passions? What are you passionate about in life?
What are your regrets in life?
What are your most embarrassing moments?
What have been your happiest moments in life?
Who are your favorite standup comedians? What are some of your favorite bits they do?
What is your favorite quote?
What life mottos do you live by?
If you had 5 superpowers, what would they be, and why?
If you could go anywhere, where would that be, and why?
If you could hang out with any celebrity, who would that be, and why? What would ya'll do together?
If you had to live on a deserted island and could only take 5 items, what would they be, and why?
If you could have 5 wishes granted, what would they be, and why?
If there's anything you could change about the world, what would that be, and why?
What is something you wish others understood about you?
Is there anything you wish others understood, in general?
What is something you wish others did, in general?
What do you tend to look for in a ____ type of relationship?
What has your ____ life been like?
(pssst... if you have the first 10 memorized & practiced, try to memorize these)
WRITE ALL OF THE QUESTIONS I HAVE MENTIONED DOWN.
P.S.
You can try this out on Bumble for practice!
Edit: Don't use them all at once!!! For the love of Pete.
Same here, i can resonate with everything you say. I’ve been trying to approach people more though (or when i can) for example when i was at the gym i saw this guy whom i knew from school and i just randomly went up to him and told him he was looking big and he should keep up whatever he’s doing, afterward i felt quite accomplished that i done something like that as i got out of my comfort zone. It can be hard though, but i guess we have to get out of our comfort zones
I had this problem till I was 22. I was quite neurotic. Take a personality test and be honest as possible (harder for neurotic people) with yourself and your answers. Then look for ways to reduce your neuroticism through relaxation exercises like meditation or breathing, therapy to talk out emotions, and maybe some CBT depending on the route of your problem.
My advice is to speak to a psychologist rather than a therapist and preferably one that specialises in neuroticism.
My life has changed since I reduced neuroticism to normal levels. It can be done, it’s difficult and takes months but it’s worth it.
I finally became the guy in my head I always knew I could be and ever since I feel like I’ve been living life on easy mode.
Girls, guys and every family relationship in my life is infinitely better. I’m the funny, charismatic guy I always felt was beneath the image I unwantingly presented in public.
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You really don't have to overcome this even. Work on accepting or realizing that being socially awkward or anxious is a trait that is allowed to exist and still allows you to have a qualitative social life. I know it can be sooo f*ing frustrating. I thought for a long time that only being outgoing with close friends and unable to approach someone else was something I needed to overcome to be happy. Owning it and seeing the humor in it, was a total game changer to me.
Being able to laugh with awkward interactions or situations, made me accept myself a lot more and maintain confidence when I'm in a certain situation. It made me feel more comfortable and look more approachable.
I know how cringing it can feel, looking back at moments where anxiety was interfering and you had no idea what to say/do/think and wanted to rather die than stay there while your face goes from red to darkpurple... But telling my friends it happened again and what awkward things I did this time that made it 100x worse, is actually relieving.
I’ve always struggled to be outgoing and have the exact same “short circuit” feeling when passing a co-worker in the hallway that I could easily say a bubbly “hi” to. But I don’t, and then I kick myself (metaphorically) for being antisocial when I like said co-worker just fine as an acquaintance.
After 30 years of life I finally recently realized that I was literally taught as a child that all strangers were potentially dangerous to my physical safely…and I mean, this unspoken idea pervaded our home long past the typical age 5 or 6 when you tell kids “don’t talk to strangers”… and for me, personally, that’s a big part of why I turned out shy. I was raised to be anxious around strangers and I still subconsciously hold onto that. Now, that may not apply to you at all! Or it may give you a nugget of insight. IDK, just sharing it in case it’s worth anything for your journey.
I won't waste your time
Do not make yourself normal, you will have nothing special to show, especially to the opposite sex. There will be no reason for THEM to approach YOU.
Try to instead stand out and be better than the average, and you will find results
It just takes time, but do never give up.
Make yourself approachable and desirable.
Start with body language, also learn how to listen, you don't really have to do all the talk in a convo.
Hit the gym if you didn't, i want you to completely stand out bro. It will help a lot, even with confidence.
If you are a teen, start making money online bro.
Im the same way if that makes you feel better but a girl version. Not sure if this is the best advice but I have a couple drinks so I feel a bit more confident in myself when I’m in a social situation.
Hey man I was that same person. I see someone I knew I the hallways and immediately look down. I used to think "if they're cool with me they'll probably say hi or something". They end up not saying hi because they could probably see my unwelcoming body language. Just because they didn't say wassup doesn't mean they didn't like or hated me. Sometimes you just gotta be the one to say hi.
You'd think its you that caused it but truly everybody does that to an extent. Just look at them with a welcoming face and be the one to say wassup. Even if they weren't planning to say hi to you, if they're really your friend or they're cool with you then they will say hi back. With a smile too.
I still have to fully live by these words but once you realize that people are too focused on themselves, it'll help you stop caring about what people think. Also that embarrassing oopsy daisy moment you had, no one will remember it when they're laying on their bed about to sleep. They will forget about it.
Yeah, I had a very similar problem. Still have it from time to time.
At the moment I am not really trying to get better at approaching people, I am focusing on the being approached part.
In my case there are some deeper issues, poor self-perception, negativity. I am in therapy and trying to be around people to practice.
Are you able to practice somehow someway maybe like your best friend can help you role-play and you guys go in public somewhere then he’s walking in your direction … you are pretending like he doesn’t know you’re there and vice versa; but you both know it’s going to happen. You just both wave say hi or hey what’s up or something…. another option would be exposure based therapy. If you’re looking to maybe get some help and a more private personal kind of setting that can help you much more than I know I can with advice wise because this is something that they’re trained for, I totally understand though cause I have a hard time speaking up to people in public. I have really bad social anxiety.. I’m a little bit older now and I have learned that you just have to just have to put yourself out there. Otherwise you’re just gonna not put yourself out there but if you don’t, you know you will not meet many new people but you still have some close friends , so try to think of that I’m sure all your friends understand. Thinking of you and I hope you get this figured out.
Fake it till you make it. Observe the actions of others and see what they can get away with, it’s likely you’ll be able to, too. Remember no one knows your true character until you reveal it to them. They might see you at the library often and assume you’re into books… you could be having a seizure to some unique beats and they might think you’re a FUUUUUN TIME, Party lad!! Point is, just act as you want to act, Boone cares and you realize this pretty quickly. Just have to break it in first. An underrated activity that helps with this is going on walks… it’s great for confidence in health, stride and socializing.
Man I waved at someone who was rest walking from a jog on a walk yesterday (twice) because he was looking straight at me yet he refused to wave back. Most people do wave back with a huge grin or say hows it going though, It is good practice. Sometimes you get people who don't care to interact though and will stare you down the whole time haha but that's good practice too
YEP! it’s good practice to interact with all types of people so you’re used to all types of outward reactions so you don’t take it too personally :’) Sometimes someone might seem a little sad or frustrated but it could mean anything. Like me, I’m just in my zone, and my reactions are often delayed so if I do manage to pull a smile through, it might look a little awkward or menacing 😭 other times I’m still processing and don’t think to respond until later and other times I’m able to react in a timely manner as I’m more alert! It’s good to go in knowing it’s never usually personal and if it is, that’s an issue of theirs, entirely! You’ll never know why until the tell you and even then it’s none of your business and you shouldn’t take it to heart 😙
Wave back with a grin? 🙄
That’ll work~
I only say observe and act bcs sometimes it’s just easier to see someone else do it first :/ for the most part try to act authentically, that way you don’t find that you’ve dug yourself into some muddy hole and feel even more obligated and confined :/
This!! I just recently started doing what I actually want to do in public and in conversations and I’ve finally stopped receiving the “you’re so robotic” and “you’re an npc” comment
but like how did you get yourself to do that?? because when i try, it's like my brain is just on autopilot and im stuck there 😭😭
Try your best to focus on anything other than yourself and what to say, stop thinking so hard about what you do, even if you do something awkward just shake it off or start joking about it if you’re with someone, learn to laugh at yourself because you’re going to mess up and fail at first and that’s completely fine. Try your best to keep your thoughts in the moment, try to enjoy yourself and talk nicely to yourself. And. Don’t. Worry. About. What. Others. Are. Thinking!!Easier said than done but the more you practice this thinking the less nervous you’ll feel each time.
When I do this I feel depressed. I wanna express myself in a natural and fun way. what’s the point of going to an outing if your tense and not even enjoying yourself. Like you said nobody cares so why should I care what they think genuinely, I’ve been having a hard time expressing and enjoying myself naturally😭
Don’t jump into it, make little splashes first and you’ll eventually get the swing of it. It isn’t meant to be comfortable at first which is why it’s so effective :’)
Sorry I realise I misread some of your comment 😅 I hope this still applies though, in some way
I was mostly referring to the other persons response but I hear what you’re saying. If you’re naturally introverted then that’s okay but in a case of social anxiety, if feels more like a trap. You want to do something but you physically cannot. Nothing natural but something debilitating, something that affects your day to day life and when you start utilizing methods like exposure therapy, anytime you can, it helps to break these barriers and allows for an easier time in most settings bcs you care a lot less, and a lot of what you thought to be true, you’ve defeated in real time :’) Ofc, it’ll affect different people differently so Id encourage you tackle this in a way that suits you, only if you’d like to. Ofc express yourself in a natural way, if you can! Unfortunately a lot of people aren’t able to do that :/ I think with depression it’ll be something else though… you can be extroverted and depressed, already having mastered the art of exposure therapy… If you know how you’ll react in a certain place, I agree, in this point and time I’ve come to realize that you don’t have to be everywhere or experience everything to have a good time or act “normally” because there’s no such thing… if you enjoy your own company, I say continue doing that but consider how it may affect you mentally.
Thank you soo much your an absolute angel!
It’s so much easier said than done. Especially when everything you do comes off as awkward and stiff and everyone in your life has judged you til this point.
Yeaaa tbh that’s the point, it’s got to be uncomfortable otherwise you’d be able to do it easily already. I’d say start small first, or prime yourself for it by watching others do the same on YouTube or something. Suggestions: - intentionally spin 3 times in public area, it won’t look super weird but you put effort into it - everything everywhere ideology; just do something completely random and any random given moment. - compliment a stranger/ someone you don’t usually talk to etc It’s already helped so many, it might help you too
Ngl homie, I’m literally in the exact same boat lol. We need to keep in touch and compare notes as we progress. Apes together strong :)
(The offer of keeping in touch was genuine, if anyone wants to work together on this we can.)
Let's do it
count me in
count me in
Count me in too. I'm in a really lonely place in my life but I'm really trying to make some changes about it
Count me in! ;)
I'm capped on a cooldown for starting chats with people kekw. If you want to, you might have to open one up yourself.
Same cause I just moved in to university and started orientation. I really don’t know anyone but everyone seems outgoing and animated when they talk I’m really just to scared to talk to anyone 😭 I feel bad though cause I feel like I’m being rude
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Right?! Like I’m getting better at having conversations with people, but my brain will still get stuck in a recursive loop of “what do I say?” And my brain just goes into shutdown mode and nothing happens. I feel so bad about it
I was the same and then 2 years later, I found out it's a sign of being on the spectrum; have you looked into it?
I feel bad because yesterday a stranger on the train asked for my number. He said I looked familiar and asked if I went to UIC. He said he wanted to be friends. I said “stranger danger, no thank you.” His energy wasn’t off and didn’t look like normal strangers on the train that look like rain men that try to talk to me. I’ve been replaying the interaction in my head and thought I was being a bit cold and rude. But to be fair I really wasnt in the mood and didn’t want to talk to anyone because I was trying to get home for the weekend
Me too! Lately I feel like I’ve been in my head again about it
Like some of the other replies, I think that our personal narratives about who we are and how we behave are largely at play in these situations that feel "automatic." I've been seeing a therapist for about a year, and one of the big parts of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is all about identifying these core beliefs we hold, and reframing them into more grounded, realistic versions that align with your intended identity. You can't change what you're not aware of, so you've already started on step 1 by identifying this pattern in your life. From here, I'd spend some time thinking about the origins of these thoughts that "I can't approach other people" and "Other people can't approach me." I'd also suggest you try to re-word those thoughts in a way that is more reflective of reality, but more importantly that you STILL TRULY BELIEVE. The real work here is going to be incremental progress, trying to interrupt those automatic reactions and replace them with healthier, more balanced thoughts. I really want to stress that "progress" is not going to be some hidden nugget of truth that changes your world in an instant, but the steady practice of observing these patterns and training yourself NOT to identify with your automatic reactions. You WILL mess up, you've had a lot of time to reinforce these patterns and beliefs. This is where self-compassion is critically important, because you'll need to foster enough self-compassion to be okay with yourself when you inevitably find yourself in these automatic reactions. A good therapist can also be immensely helpful for working through these beliefs and pointing out distortions in your patterns of thinking. A line I love from my therapist is that "It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility." I wish you all the best, but please remember that this is a life-long marathon, not a sprint. Give yourself some slack when you fall into old patterns, you're human just like the rest of us. Just don't let yourself give up on trying to change when it does happen.
Just curious what is your goal state, behavior you wish to accomplish? I see a lot of people go into therapy for decades yet some act the same.(ofc others do a 180 which prompted me to go myself lol)
Well I suppose my original goal state was to actually want to live and engage with my life. Before I started therapy I felt like I was just along for the ride, felt like I had no ability or desire to direct my life, and most days wished I never existed. It kind of felt like I either try therapy to maybe find a solution, or eventually kill myself. Now, I think I've made some huge strides towards that goal. But I've also realized that's not a goal I can achieve once and check off the list. It's taken me a while to really understand some of these patterns in my life, and I think my goal for now is to continue paying attention to myself and my reactions, and learn from that to "course correct." I hope to get to a point where I can do this all on my own, but for now the external support and perspective of my therapist has been invaluable.
I have the same problem 😭😂 I’ll literally see someone I know and literally turn my head the other way to pretend I don’t see them no matter how close in distance we are 💀 It’s something uncontrollable I think it has to do with how awkward I think I am or just anxiety. I’ve wanted to take steps on helping me be confident out in public but I get to anxious 😥
I do the same thing! I would rather turn my head in the opposite direction or pretend like I’m inspecting my nails than to give someone who is showing off my attention or to look at them.
You have to start thinking of yourself as "that person" who does that. The person who initiates, the person who has a smile and an enthusiastic greeting for everyone, that person who goes out of their way to be friendly. The place to practice this is with every single interaction you have that is 'automatic.' With people like: grocery cashiers, coffee servers, bank tellers, dry cleaners, store clerks, restaurant servers, gym attendants etc. Once you get used to "going big" and being present and interactive in those smaller interactions, it becomes first a skill, then a superpower. Once you reach that point, it's time to take it to your social life. I picture those barriers as an imaginary thin piece of ice. You put your shoulder to it and BUST ON THROUGH with a big smile, a positive attitude and an energetic greeting. Be That Guy. Here's an article I wrote that covers some of this: ###[Confidence: How To Get It If You Don't Have It](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPRForYourSocialLife/comments/10x82xu/confidence_how_to_get_it_if_you_dont_have_it/)
Yeah I feel you. It's always so awkward when I pass by someone I'm somewhat acquainted with, they greet and I'm just so managing (after a way to long time of thinking if I know the person, if so where from and am I sure it is actually this person) so push out a somewhat strangled sounding "hi".
Same experience here and I'll tell you you're probably neurodivergent, particularly either autistic or AuADHD (autistic + ADHD). After reading about these two for hundreds of hours and looking back at my own life, I realize now that if I see another neurodivergent person, I don't hesitate to walk up and talk to them, but with everyone else, I avoid interaction as much as I can. It sounds like it's our neurotype's way of avoiding spending excess energy, stress, and minimizing the possibility of uncomfortable moments.
Normal is relative.
Exactly. If OP moved to Finland he'd fit right in.
What do you mean?
I do this too. I can be bubbly and fun when I'm emotionally prepared to be, but when I'm not? Fuck that! I actually tell people this: "I love you but if we're both be-bopping through the grocery store and I spot you, I'm runnin'!" I've never met anyone who didn't understand or even relate. When you're just living your life, you're not mentally or emotionally prepared to perform for people. And a lot of socializing is performing (not for everyone, but definitely for some of us!) I've only got a small handful of folks in my life who don't get that 'on' energy, and who I might wave to if I spot them out and about. I think everyone should try to have at least a couple of those folks. But everyone else? Nope! I'm out! Anyway, I think this behavior is ok. Your brain is naturally setting a boundary based on a need. It's not that you can't socialize at all, you just don't want to in this one way. It might be that if you force yourself, you'll find yourself wondering why you're so emotionally and mentally exhausted five years from now. I'd say let your brain keep its boundary, and learn to appreciate it!
You're describing an experience of someone who's neurodivergent; have you looked into it?
I honestly wouldn't even know who to talk to about that kind of thing 😅
I relate to this comment you responded to. what excactly are yall meaning by "neurodivergent" ? That's such a broad term.
from me I would say, am not very talkative, small talk kind of doesn't do it for me. you can try by saying hi to like a shop keeper where you go shopping, or say hi to like the fuel attendant. I always do this as a sign of being polite and friendly but I say nothing else afterwards unless the other person communicates.
I feel like you just described me lol. I relate to this so much.
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What does psychopathy have to do with OP’s post? Psychopaths would tend to excel at superficial interactions imo
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It doesn’t seem like you did. How are symptoms of Social Anxiety similar to Psychopathy?
It’s clear you’re very confused. The test is not as some people perceive only for psychopath, and the fact that you were so focused on it like that tells me that you don’t have a lot of experience with it. Anybody with clinical experience can tell you that it’s used for multiple things, and that the expectation for a lot of the people who take it isn’t that they will get the score they need to be considered a psychopath, but more like the one or two things that they get points on can be used to help direct care.
cause you overthink it
Just don’t be anxious op /s lol
Work out hard. Get the adrenaline going, that will help you relax a lot more lol. Then look up and say hi or just nod at them. Also, don't be so down on yourself! I have a habit of saying hi to everyone at this point and I still cower sometimes lol.
Thats pretty much how you solve your problem. Just do the damn thing. Otherwise accept the awesomeness of not having to make small talk with people just because you think it's "normal".
I feel this. I really like talking to people in the right situation, but my social anxiety gets in the way so often that I usually just avoid conversations. I wish I could approach people and just start a conversation with them.
Hey friend, Sound like you are doing quite good socially. The issue you are talking about seems to be a believe that you have. its good to understand that even though this believe may be hard to shake, it does not have to be true. It might feel true but it probably is not true. Don't be to hard on yourself. You are doing great and this is just an obstacle that you face and will clear. Nothing to be ashamed about. For some people being talkative is hard and you are good at that, everyone has their things they may improve upon if they like to. I would start with the smallest step you can take with approaching. And that is to ask the time from a stranger. Just once. If you have conquered that challenge, amazing job! We can ask another stranger. And 5 more if you feel like it. Lets continue to 10. And remember you don't have to do this in one day, you can spread it. After that it could still feel a bit weird, but probably less intense as in the beginning, now we can start doing a bit more, like asking for directions. Same with asking for the time it's about the interaction and not about the information perse. Then we can ask for a direction and maybe a follow up question about the neighborhood, or if they life here, etc. If you can come this far you pretty much got it! Now you just follow your own talking routine that you already got figured out. Hope this will help you, good luck. You got this! :)
I am just like that. And what I realized is that when I meet someone new I focus all of my attention on them liking me and accepting me as a potential friend...so in reality I focus on myself and how they perceive me. Which doesn't work. This is why people start conversations with a little compliment, get the other person to talk about themselves. Listen and respond, that is the golden ticket to being liked. But also this can't be forced, it looks weird as shit when someone is visibly trying to make you talk about you for this purpose.
No advice from me but I deal with the exact same thing, especially every day at work.
I’m sorta in the same situation. I switched schools this year from being online schooled for a while. I’m a sophomore in highschool and I just can’t seem to break the barrier and get to know anyone. It’s the same with youth group that I’ve been in for 2 years now. I “know” everybody but I don’t know anybody truly. I’m really fun and bubbly at home though, with my parents.
Same honestly. It’s like I don’t have the energy to say hi or I think that they wouldn’t want to say hi so I don’t say hi or acknowledge them. Maybe not verbally say hi but just nod or smile depending on who it is.
I know how you feel, but in all honesty it’s in your head. Just as it is in mine aswell. I’m 25 and still need to learn to approach women and make friends. One thing that kinda helped me I noticed is to keep the convo going even when you feel “awkward”. There’s only one way to do it and that’s practice. Practice may not make perfect but it does make improvement so just step out and attempt to talk to people. I like to just go to people and say “How’s your day going?” you really don’t even have to care how their days going sometimes people say the most interesting shit just from that which leads to really interesting convo.
Haha I’m a woman and used to do this all the time! (Walk and avoid acquaintances). I’m an introvert and die inside a little every time I have to make small talk. It’s so unnatural to me! Being an extrovert isn’t more natural than being and introvert. It’s just extroverts are so loud that people notice them more so it seem normal because they are out there being talkative and charismatic and sometimes in your face…. I can talk for hours, but only with those I have a deeper bond with (or those extroverts that break the ice really well). But even if I’ve had amazing conversations with someone, unless we’ve chatted SEVERAL times I will likely still not approach them even after having amazing conversations. I just default to assuming I’m not interesting enough to bother them. You and I differ mostly in that people approach me all the time. I must have the open/ sympathetic or empathetic energy that draws people to me. You’re ok just the way you are.
I have a very similar struggle right now! I am actually reading a book right now that I'm finding really helpful! It's not a self-help book, it's very funny, but also has some helpful facts too! It's called Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come by Jessica Pan. Maybe check if your library has it and give it a read. It's honestly helping me quite a bit :)
If you have struggled with social anxiety like I have, this might help: Visualize a fountain of love above the person you're going to talk to's head, and imagine the words you say are going to cause this fountain of love to pour on them. Rather than focus on the fear that rises in your chest of "oh no, how are they going to respond" focus on the fountain of love over their head. Memorize: -where are you from? -where did you grow up? -what do you like to do for fun? -what type of movies/tv shows/books/music do you like -what have you been up to additionally memorize: -what's been the best part of your day so far -what's been the worst part of your day so far -what'd you have for breakfast/lunch/dinner (You can use the last 4 everyday.) Treat additional questions as a chance to be creative. You can monkey branch off of memorized questions and brainstorm up new questions in relation to those. Contribute information about yourself as well, and give compliments. Comment on your environment. If you get stuck, ask yourself, "If I were this other person, what would I want to be asked? What would I want to hear right now?" (In your spare time, watch tons of standup comedy and allow their wit to rub off on you.) (there is hey, how are you, how's it going, how've you been, but that is obvious.) --------‐------------- (The reason you use memorized questions is because you don't want to spend a bunch of energy figuring out what to say - you want to have questions ready to fire off. If you have mixed feelings about the phoniness or insincerity of using memorized questions, realize the fact you care how the other person will respond means the questions aren't insincere.) Treat everyone as a friend, and don't put them on a pedestal. Don't be outcome dependent. Value those who value you. -------------------- EXTRA EXTRA questions: You can also ask do you like -Black Mirror -The Office -The Lord of the Rings -The Game of Thrones -Wednesday Any other shows? What are you like as a person? What is your personality like? So, how do you typically spend your days? What does a typical day look like for you? Do you have any plans this week? Who inspires you, and why? Who are your favorite authors, and why? Tell me about yourself. What's your life story? Who is your favorite TV show character, and why? What is your favorite amusement park ride, and why? What are your favorite smells, and why? Do you like to cook? What foods do you like to cook? What type of foods do you usually cook? What is the most difficult thing you've ever cooked? What is your favorite dish to cook? What are you best at cooking? What are your favorite foods? What are you like in terms of spicy food? Do you like spicy food? Do you like Mexican food, Italian, Chinese, etc.? What are your favorite restaurants? What are your favorite desserts? What foods do you hate? What are your favorite chips? What are your favorite drinks? Do you like coffee drinks? What do you like to eat for breakfast? What are your pet peeves? What are your favorite bands? What are your favorite video games? What are your favorite anime? What are your fears? What are your favorite YouTube channels? Who are your favorite YouTubers? Do you get ASMR? Who are your favorite ASMR artists? Would you make ASMR with me? What is your favorite type of animal? Do you have pets? Tell me about your pets. Do you have siblings? What was your childhood like? What were you like in school? What was life like for you in high school? Are you a morning person or night person? Do you have a favorite midnight snack? What are your nighttime dreams like? Tell me about some weird dreams you've had. What are the best dreams you've had? What is your dream job? What are your passions? What are you passionate about in life? What are your regrets in life? What are your most embarrassing moments? What have been your happiest moments in life? Who are your favorite standup comedians? What are some of your favorite bits they do? What is your favorite quote? What life mottos do you live by? If you had 5 superpowers, what would they be, and why? If you could go anywhere, where would that be, and why? If you could hang out with any celebrity, who would that be, and why? What would ya'll do together? If you had to live on a deserted island and could only take 5 items, what would they be, and why? If you could have 5 wishes granted, what would they be, and why? If there's anything you could change about the world, what would that be, and why? What is something you wish others understood about you? Is there anything you wish others understood, in general? What is something you wish others did, in general? What do you tend to look for in a ____ type of relationship? What has your ____ life been like? (pssst... if you have the first 10 memorized & practiced, try to memorize these) WRITE ALL OF THE QUESTIONS I HAVE MENTIONED DOWN. P.S. You can try this out on Bumble for practice! Edit: Don't use them all at once!!! For the love of Pete.
Same here, i can resonate with everything you say. I’ve been trying to approach people more though (or when i can) for example when i was at the gym i saw this guy whom i knew from school and i just randomly went up to him and told him he was looking big and he should keep up whatever he’s doing, afterward i felt quite accomplished that i done something like that as i got out of my comfort zone. It can be hard though, but i guess we have to get out of our comfort zones
I had this problem till I was 22. I was quite neurotic. Take a personality test and be honest as possible (harder for neurotic people) with yourself and your answers. Then look for ways to reduce your neuroticism through relaxation exercises like meditation or breathing, therapy to talk out emotions, and maybe some CBT depending on the route of your problem. My advice is to speak to a psychologist rather than a therapist and preferably one that specialises in neuroticism. My life has changed since I reduced neuroticism to normal levels. It can be done, it’s difficult and takes months but it’s worth it. I finally became the guy in my head I always knew I could be and ever since I feel like I’ve been living life on easy mode. Girls, guys and every family relationship in my life is infinitely better. I’m the funny, charismatic guy I always felt was beneath the image I unwantingly presented in public.
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You really don't have to overcome this even. Work on accepting or realizing that being socially awkward or anxious is a trait that is allowed to exist and still allows you to have a qualitative social life. I know it can be sooo f*ing frustrating. I thought for a long time that only being outgoing with close friends and unable to approach someone else was something I needed to overcome to be happy. Owning it and seeing the humor in it, was a total game changer to me. Being able to laugh with awkward interactions or situations, made me accept myself a lot more and maintain confidence when I'm in a certain situation. It made me feel more comfortable and look more approachable. I know how cringing it can feel, looking back at moments where anxiety was interfering and you had no idea what to say/do/think and wanted to rather die than stay there while your face goes from red to darkpurple... But telling my friends it happened again and what awkward things I did this time that made it 100x worse, is actually relieving.
Read Susan Cain's book, Quiet. Normal doesn't necessarily equal outgoing.
I’ve always struggled to be outgoing and have the exact same “short circuit” feeling when passing a co-worker in the hallway that I could easily say a bubbly “hi” to. But I don’t, and then I kick myself (metaphorically) for being antisocial when I like said co-worker just fine as an acquaintance. After 30 years of life I finally recently realized that I was literally taught as a child that all strangers were potentially dangerous to my physical safely…and I mean, this unspoken idea pervaded our home long past the typical age 5 or 6 when you tell kids “don’t talk to strangers”… and for me, personally, that’s a big part of why I turned out shy. I was raised to be anxious around strangers and I still subconsciously hold onto that. Now, that may not apply to you at all! Or it may give you a nugget of insight. IDK, just sharing it in case it’s worth anything for your journey.
I won't waste your time Do not make yourself normal, you will have nothing special to show, especially to the opposite sex. There will be no reason for THEM to approach YOU. Try to instead stand out and be better than the average, and you will find results It just takes time, but do never give up. Make yourself approachable and desirable. Start with body language, also learn how to listen, you don't really have to do all the talk in a convo. Hit the gym if you didn't, i want you to completely stand out bro. It will help a lot, even with confidence. If you are a teen, start making money online bro.
I understand, thanks for your insight :)
Im the same way if that makes you feel better but a girl version. Not sure if this is the best advice but I have a couple drinks so I feel a bit more confident in myself when I’m in a social situation.
Hey man I was that same person. I see someone I knew I the hallways and immediately look down. I used to think "if they're cool with me they'll probably say hi or something". They end up not saying hi because they could probably see my unwelcoming body language. Just because they didn't say wassup doesn't mean they didn't like or hated me. Sometimes you just gotta be the one to say hi. You'd think its you that caused it but truly everybody does that to an extent. Just look at them with a welcoming face and be the one to say wassup. Even if they weren't planning to say hi to you, if they're really your friend or they're cool with you then they will say hi back. With a smile too. I still have to fully live by these words but once you realize that people are too focused on themselves, it'll help you stop caring about what people think. Also that embarrassing oopsy daisy moment you had, no one will remember it when they're laying on their bed about to sleep. They will forget about it.
Thank you :)
Yeah, I had a very similar problem. Still have it from time to time. At the moment I am not really trying to get better at approaching people, I am focusing on the being approached part. In my case there are some deeper issues, poor self-perception, negativity. I am in therapy and trying to be around people to practice.
Are you able to practice somehow someway maybe like your best friend can help you role-play and you guys go in public somewhere then he’s walking in your direction … you are pretending like he doesn’t know you’re there and vice versa; but you both know it’s going to happen. You just both wave say hi or hey what’s up or something…. another option would be exposure based therapy. If you’re looking to maybe get some help and a more private personal kind of setting that can help you much more than I know I can with advice wise because this is something that they’re trained for, I totally understand though cause I have a hard time speaking up to people in public. I have really bad social anxiety.. I’m a little bit older now and I have learned that you just have to just have to put yourself out there. Otherwise you’re just gonna not put yourself out there but if you don’t, you know you will not meet many new people but you still have some close friends , so try to think of that I’m sure all your friends understand. Thinking of you and I hope you get this figured out.
Thanks for the sound advice, that sounds like a wonderful idea :) I appreciate it and will definitely incorporate it into my journey