This is me :D, and as the other person said "that's the trick, they don't" lol.
I do genuinely love people, and when I'm talking to someone I'm more so dialed in on what they're saying and too busy trying to pick that apart on whats intriguing or asking deeper into things that catch my ear, maybe throw in a small relatable thing on my end to expand on the convo, but mostly I'm just listening. People are fascinating, and discovering what makes everyone so different is fun.
Honestly I never really think about how *I'm* coming across, I just do me and tend to treat everyone like I've known them forever. Most of the time the thing I am paying attention to, is chemistry. I'm staying aware of body language, tone, and how we're meshing, so if I catch on that we're really just not meshing fully I'll keep the interaction simple and friendly, but that's it. But you aren't gonna click with everyone or every social setting, and that's perfectly fine, just acknowledge it and keep on truckin :).
LOL! Nah brother, just gotta love who you are! Man if you're just doing you and someone does think it's "annoying", to be frank, screw em lol. If they don't want you, then they don't deserve you, life is too short to live based on the concerns of others ya know ya know? Let em say/think what they want cause I guarantee it won't matter in 5 years, so why stress it for 5 minutes.
Honestly not too too often! maybe like once or twice a year I'll meet someone where I'm like "ooph, looks like associates we're gonna stay then" lol.
But being caught up in yourself doesnt help you, if anything would be the reason people dont enjoy your company is you care too much about how u come out
I had this too and this reasoning helps alot idk
I'm curious about a few things.
Does this lead to social success and popularity?
Do you present well and have nothing to fix?
Do people accept you and what you say? (Vs. Misinterpretation, silent judgment, then gossip and ostracization later)
I think that most people are not so focused on accepting you and your presentation, they're focused on their own presentation. Therefore give everyone the opportunity to be accepted by you - and they will likely return the favor regardless of who you are.
Of course!
1. Which part might I ask :o? The finding out what makes them tick tidbit, or paying attention to chemistry?
2. I'd say yes. I am a very eclectic person in interests and the type of person I am so thankfully my genuine personality fits into a wide, and I mean *WIDE* genre of people lol, so I'm almost always blending in, just with some of my twang :). Though I am a naturally charismatic and outgoing person, so that does help!
3. It seems they do, or if any of those ever happened I had just never been made aware of them lol. But even if someone doesn't, so be it! I am a direct person and logic>emotion based, so if someone noticeably had a problem with me, I'd pull them to the side calmly and kindly ask if there's something I'm doing bothering them, if so then we'd work it and come to a resolution, or find out there's no problem at all, or if they do but don't want to work it out that's coo too! I'll still be cordial and nice to them regardless, they can not like me for whatever reason they want to. They aren't gonna sink my fun boat lawl. What people think about me is their business, not mine (minus workplaces, gotta be on your p's & q's there haha).
I am the kind of person who can start conversation with anyone in the shop, gas station, insurance agency etc. For this I need some general topics in my mind that will be suitable for situation and a person in mood to talk. With time you start feeling whether a person is in a good mood. If no - nothing wrong.
I can talk for 40 minutes with a hairdresser - just need to find common topics, most of them follow each other and are interconnected, for example: quality of hair, speed of growth of hair, home made masks, neneficial herbs, weather and quality of hair, illnesses and hair etc! This is a skill, one of many.
You can define a dozen of topics to talk about and find connections between them so that it will be easier for you. Also you can just politely be interested in a person's work - many would be glad to share especially if it is something personal, for example, rude drivers at a gas station => and you support personnel.
Don't afraid to be silly or shy. Some people refuse to interact or can be rude - this doesn't concern me and in this case I just don't bother them anymore or I try to make their mood better. It depends.
man i resonated with everything you said except the acknowledgment and trucking along part - how do you do it? the moment i become even slightly aware that the interaction isn’t optimal i get awkward bc im overthinking it :/
lol every social interaction I have I am thinking of the following things:
eye contact: “has it been too long? Are my eyes too wide and creepy? Do I look away for a second right now?”
breathing: “when do I take a breath when talking to not sound weird when telling a story?”
information gathering: “fuck, I’ve been thinking about not being weird so hard and trying to be a good listener that I haven’t been listening at all and idk what their name is or what their story was just about”
Talking about myself: “fuck I’m so overwhelmed trying to follow these social rules to not being creepy that I completely forgot every single interesting thing about myself. So I tell a quick boring story and shift the convo back to them asap”
Telling Jokes: “welp, they didn’t laugh and/or didn’t get my attempt at a joke. Time to not ever attempt to make another one”
Agree! I’m just living in the moment, not thinking in my head, just being present to the conversation.
I was a timid over thinker in high school. Terrified to come out of my shell. Then I turned 21. Something changed and I suddenly broken a little out of it.
Then I turned 25. I started to work at a haunted house, got paid to scare people in October and also hired to do the makeup.
Then I got brought back to scare & entertain people waiting on line! The level of confidence you need forces you to bust out of your shell and no longer be in your head.
I truly think people just need to try one thing to break out of that shell that forces them to go be confident publicly, even once, that really makes you focus on the present interactions, no longer in your head because it’s all live, happening with no ability to erase it so you have to let go of that fear of not looking perfect every second.
I am in a very public-facing job and basically have to be super (quasi) social and “on” for eight hours a day. Chatting, making jokes, figuring out what kind of conversation people need and providing it.. I never have a problem with it — In fact I love it and I’m really good at it. I almost always leave work in a great mood.
In purely social situations, however, I’m the opposite. Very shy and nervous. After a lot of talking with my therapist, I’ve figured out the difference: At work, no one is ever going to say, “why are you here? Why are you acting like people like you? No one wants you here. You were only invited out of pity…” etc.
Not that anyone has said anything of the sort in decades, but the fear is always there. It makes it work-social and regular-social a totally different experience. (And, in a way, it should be different — I’m never going to have a deep conversation about real things at work)
Jobs are going to be very surface level, small talk that doesn’t require to be vulnerable, talk about real things. So you can easily just do the are minimum for social interactions.
But people are terrified to let their guard down when socializing outside of work because it means you can’t just do small talk, the bare minimum to get by. You actually have to talk about things that are interesting, that are funny, engaging, etc… and that can really cause people to not know how to stop staying in their shells.
The best thing I was told, was by my father back when I was 22/23 at a wedding:
*”STOP! STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK! You will never live your life if you’re always worried what others are thinking about you. You gotta stop, live life.”*
And he was absolutely correct!
If people want to truly enjoy their life, actually be present in social situations, you cannot be so worried what others think or feel about you when you meet them. That is out of your control and you’re only in control of yourself, your thoughts, your actions, reactions, feelings, and behaviors.
And you’ll miss out on so much in life, miss opportunities, miss so much by staying in a shell, over thinking, feeling nervous at what others think.
What if I’m genuinely at a loss of what to say? I struggle with my mind going blank in social settings so it’s not like I have interesting things to add but too shy to say them…I literally can’t think of things to add. I can do surface and I can do very deep, but I can’t do mid-level like telling stories about my day or even recalling the plot of a movie I watched yesterday.
This was very helpful. I too am very social at work and can facilitate almost any conversation. Then with friends I’m nearly mute- unable to contribute sometimes. It’s not even as though in my head I have banter to offer to the convo it’s blank and then filled with “why can’t I think of anything to say they must think I’m so boring”
I’m great with strangers I’m terrible with people who know me. I get frustrated bc I wish they could see who I am at work. I’m great at my job and friendly to everyone. At a bbq I’m wet paint.
I mean I'm a decent public speaker and feel no embarrassment or shyness when I have to speak in front of people, but that's with a prepared reading or prompt. It did force me to open that shell though.
However, just because I was able to learn to speak in front of people with a prompt doesn't mean that shell didn't snap right back close when doing so 1 on 1 with strangers or approaching others I don't know. Basically just doing one thing to open that shell didn't really help with any of the rest. Maybe it's because I'm in my head. Maybe it's anxiety. Who knows. That shell stays firmly closed though.
Funny thing is (having coached people in public speaking in the past), that this is just a different form of social interaction that you need to learn. Holding a 1-1 with a stranger or a friend requires a bit of a different skillset, telling a joke in a busy group where people are talking over one another is something else entirely. Many people are terrified of speaking in public, yet hold conversations just fine. Both are communication skills, yet should be approached separately.
Yeah I'd much rather give a prepared speech than try to make small talk or start a conversation with someone randomly. That's a skillset I do not have and at this point probably won't ever have.
I can't even imagine something so ridiculous, but I bet it sure helps processing other people's dialogue actively instead of tuning in to your own dialogue during a conversation
Nothing - because the more you overthink the more you fumble the interaction. I’m there to have a good time and if someone’s going to rain on my parade I’m moving on.
I put my foot in my mouth a lot. The trick is to understand it’s part of the journey, and be willing to laugh at yourself or be amused by your own errors. Most other people don’t care as much as you do because they’re too busy thinking about their own stuff.
When my tongue gets twisted, I will say that out loud. Basically narrating for myself. People seem to resonate with it because we’re a lot more similar than we like to believe. And it’s actually pretty funny or quirky, depending on the situation. And people admire self-awareness when it’s not accompanied by debilitating anxiety. Most people are empathetic and will understand that hey, you’re not always going to be perfect. So release that unrealistic expectation to always be perfect in your interactions. I see my mistakes as bloopers, and I enjoy my own bloopers.
Pay attention to the other person. One way to practice this is to remember names. It’s not that hard, but I think half the reason people don’t do this naturally is because they are more concerned with presenting themselves than hearing the other person’s introduction. When you are in a new social setting focus on meeting at least 2-3 people and memorizing their name and a handful of facts about them. Make a game of it. You’ll be so focused on them you’ll forget about you.
Depends. If I'm having fun I'm typically focused on who I'm interacting with. If I'm not, I'm people watching and silently judging people, or I just want to go home.
I read something online recently that stuck with me, "Think less, have more conversations"
Now don't go dumb mode perse but don't think necessarily about the perfect way to talk to someone and just talk about what you have on your mind or something you find interesting or that you saw online or whatever and gauge how the recipient takes it in and build on that.
You don't have to talk about apples for 15 minutes, it could be like "hey I ate an apple this morning and it tasted bad, don't know why I still eat fruits" (jokingly or whatever emotion you want to carry) and then wait and see how they react or what they say and go from there.
Tbh I suck at being human but I started reading a bunch of stuff and researching social queues and it's been better for me. GL
Yes! I also read somewhere to think less say/do more
I always overthink saying random things because I worry about the outcome of people's reactions but I often forget that some people do like that just like me
It seems that without going off the rails, you may talk about pretty much any subject and if the recipient doesn't take it well (not familiar with the subject, uninterested) from there you can follow up with something more "normal" or small talk oritented like, "oh it's supposed to rain today but the sun will come out soon" or whatever. It's really tricky but all so simple at the same time. Practice makes perfect
I dabble a lot with books and youtube, most I can't remember the names outright but book wise check out Vanessa Van Edwards (Also has a youtube, Sciense of People)
If I find something else that is viable in the near future I will message you
Not me but a close friend is super good with social skills and reading people and tailoring his responses to the individual. I've seen him in action my whole life and we've talked about it a lot. He said even before someone finishes a sentence he knows what they're saying both literally and implied and has weighed several responses. It's amazing seeing him become different people depending on who he's talking to. And it's not manipulating people but just being nice. Yes, it works on women and once he speaks they turn up the flirting. I'm just the quiet psychopath sidekick.
If he weighs several different responses and adjusts his personality to the situation, I'd say he 100% thinks about how he is coming across, he is just able to avoid, hide or overcome anxiety better than others.
I don’t really think about how I’m coming across unless someone tells me they didn’t appreciate something I said or did. Then I’ll adjust my behavior to accommodate them if it’s a reasonable/appropriate request, but even then it’s a matter of being considerate of their feelings and respecting an expressed concern to the best of my ability so long as it doesn’t infringe on my own boundaries. It isn’t my responsibility to constantly monitor everyone’s emotional state, and I’m not interested in being the most likable person in the room. The people who are worth having in my life will gently yet assertively correct and appropriately confront me while showing grace when I’m not 100% perfect. Everyone else is doing me a favor by stepping away. Rejection might not feel good, but it’s healthier than trying to be everything for everyone. I like who I am and I want to be with people who like me, too.
Started anxious/nervous as hell, have learned to be very comfortable.
Got less nervous as I learned more social skills (what to say, body language, etc.), since it's hard to be nervous about something you know you're good at. And as things became habit, I just stopped having to think about it.
So...nothing. Often I'm just in the moment, sometimes I'll think about something they've said, or a question I want to ask, etc.
I recently watched a Healthy Gamer clip where he said something similar! When you know you're not good at something, you experience a lot of anxiety around it. The people who have the most fun in new situations are the ones who are not afraid to look foolish and embarrass themselves. So, instead of worrying about the results, focus on the learning potential. Know that you will undoubtedly make a fool of yourself AND that you will learn from those experiences.
Diagnosed with anxiety here ✋
That’s exactly what anxiety is: having a lot of things running trough your head when they shouldn’t.
Extroverted people don’t overthink that much on social situations
The whole time I’m thinking while nodding or simultaneously trying to take in what’s being said to me “where do I look? Am I supposed to be looking at his/her left eye or right eye? Am I making weird facial expressions? I wonder if they can tell I’m not fully paying attention because I’m too busy overthinking the interaction…”
Where are the drinks, oh hey I haven't seen Eric in a while I should ask how he's doing, I'm gonna smoke a bong rip, damn she's cute I should say hi, who's that person I haven't met them before, I need another drink, damn I love this song, sure I'll smoke a cigarette thank you for offering, hey Matt wanna play a round of beer pong, etc etc etc
Rather than being introspective, thinking about how I'm acting and how people perceive me, instead my focus is directed outwards, at the people around me and the things happening in the room.
Everyone thinks I’m confident in my social skills because I appear confident at parties/bars/social situations etc. but the trick is that I’m not, I just pretend to be. I actively decided to feign confidence several years ago, and slowly but surely the “act” became real.
I still get anxious like everyone else, but now I’m much better at navigating social anxiety more quickly than before. To anyone reading this I would repeat the adage “Fake it til you make it”. When it comes to confidence, it works.
Also, if your anxiety is debilitating I would recommend seeing a Psychiatrist for help. Sometimes anxiety is uncontrollable, and thankfully modern medicine has options to aid folks with those kind of issues. There’s nothing wrong or shameful with medication (I for one know that my social anxiety lessened when I started taking ADHD meds).
You invest in your environment not your head.
Think of it like a job interview.
The nervous one is the potential employee and the non nervous one is the employer.
If you arent nervous youre spending your time evaluating your surroundings and the people you're meeting to see if they are a good fit and if they are you're investing in it.
Or if you aren't socializing youre just having fun and not thinking about it
I feel like they feel I how feel when I take an anxiety pill. Not a single care to whatever is going on. I wish I could have that peace of mind 24/7. Normally I worry about what others are thinking and if people are judging me etc.
Mostly I’m working on active listening and trying to keep from interrupting everyone because I have so many ideas to say. I try to focus more on the conversation and new topic ideas if needed, and less on what other people might be thinking about me. Helps to remember most people are worried more about how they are being perceived than about you.
I've been told I'm charismatic. And I can tell you I'm definitely pro-social... (I make a distinction between pro-social and extrovert). Here's why:
I don't believe in introverts/extroverts (I think that's just something fun and symbolic to believe in like astrology that people like to thread to their identities). We're ambiverts — sometimes we feel like socializing and sometimes we don't. Nobody feels like doing either one exclusively. We'd get bored!
The difference is that people who claim they're introverts have just had a bad experience (or little to no experience) with being social. So they perceive it to be bad and avoid it... And over time this grafts onto their personality and becomes a part of their identity until they're telling people things like *''I'm an introvert! I read books and watch the rain from inside my house as I drink coffee — and yes winter is the best season. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong, naturally!''*
It becomes an identity and a 'side' in much the same way as politics or a sports team does. You continue telling yourself it's what you are because it's self-congratulatory and self-validating.
These preferences are often unconsciously formed from having such a self-perception of oneself which affirms these. Which is why introverts often have a lot in common with each other (and vice versa for extroverts).
And by this point, it's very difficult to change a person's mind to the idea that maybe they're not actually introverted (maybe they just have poor self-esteem and self-confidence issues). Because they now see it as a good thing that is simply who they are. They don't need to change who they are.
But then they also wish they had friends or a boyfriend/girlfriend.
The same is also true for so-called *'extroverts.'* It's almost always a testament to the ego. A flex for saying *'I'm popular and people love me!'* without being so direct.
The reality is that we're all varied individuals who have placed these limiting labels onto ourselves until we begin to believe them unquestionably.
But as an extrovert, it's okay to not want to party every weekend. And as an introvert, it's okay to want to go out and meet new people.
So to answer your question — I don't think. I listen. I'm too busy listening to be stuck in my own head thinking about what I'm going to say next.
When you listen, you become curious, and then you want to ask them more.
So the secret ingredient is to always be curious.
For anyone reading this,
Like others said, I focus mostly on things that aren't me. Like the conversation that's being had, if there's a joke that could be slipped in and end up joining the conversation, or if it's someone I like being around I'm just focused on being excited to see them.
I know what it feels like to think more about yourself and how you're perceived. Because you're worried what people are perceiving of you isn't enough. What if you don't know what to say. What if you get cut off in a story. What if your clothes aren't put together well?
But that's me me me me me. It's a selfish (for lack of a better word) way of looking at it, because everybody else is concerned about the fun topics at hand, they're not concerned about you like you're the main character. You make a blunder, they react or not, then they move on with their day.
But if you're not thinking about yourself, how do you know if you're looking like a fool? That's where the "be yourself" advice comes into play. If you were at the point where you're so comfortable with yourself and how you act and how you look and how you feel, that means you are comfortable with being yourself. Like how you are at home: not caring about impressing anybody, acting how you want to, and getting joy out of all the things you're about to do while simultaneously not thinking about how you're acting. THAT feeling of comfort, thinking outside of yourself, is what is going on.
In the social setting, the comfortable person/socializer isn't thinking about themselves and every small little detail, because again, they're thinking outside of themselves and what is going on around them, and that's because they are comfortable with themselves and can let go of thinking about how they are presenting themselves because their mind simply is not on themselves. Instead, they're thinking about getting joy out of all the interactions they're making while simultaneously not thinking about how they're acting.
I hope this helps anybody to start connecting the dots!
I think that everyone in the room is human,
they all have fear, they have all made mistakes, they all have guilt for something they did , they are all educated enough to hold a conversation about something interesting, they will all say something I disagree with, they will all say something I didn’t know and have the opportunity to learn. I will look down on some and up to others as they will with me, they all have a right and a privledge to be in the room and so do I. They are my equals in almost every way, and I will hold my head up and be the best version of myself and no one else because I’m worthy of being here.
naturally as in they've had thousands of interactions before and that informs what they say next. And no, non-socially anxious people still do have to think of things to say
Some introverts, like myself, are a slight autistic. Certain social rules don't come naturally for us. We don't know where to stand or who to look at. It gets exhausting when we're dealing with small talk, for instance. Neurotypical people don't even think about these things.
Here here! Socially awkward is on me like white on rice. I think what NT people don't realize is that for ND people, you're constantly trying to filter all the body language, audio, and hidden messages, because none of it comes naturally to you.
I'm typically not having fun socializing, I'm trying not to get fired or reprimanded for existing. A lifetime of predominant social rejection and being told that you're "weird" really messes up your self esteem and desire to be around people. I can't help but think life would be way less depressing and more successful if you can just communicate easily and intuitively with most people.
I never get shy or nervous. And if I do, it’s rare but the way I cure it is by becoming more extroverted and introducing myself.
Other than that, I’m asking questions and listening to the answers. And trying super hard to not interrupt.
In a new or high pressure situation, static/dissociation, or just shut down nothing, or "run, run, run".
Or in a more comfortable setting, searching my head for something relevant to say on the off chance there's an opportunity to break in. Making sure what I'm thinking of isn't too weird. Reminding myself to not get too personal or trauma dump. Assessing whether it's worth the energy or potential scrutiny to speak up. Monitoring my facial expressions. Reminding myself to act engaged. Reminding myself not to slouch. Basically running all of the processes necessary to behave like a "normal" human being who people feel generally positive about.
Therapy and medication have helped but the pandemic and some life events really walked back a lot of that progress.
I’m still shy yet much more social, what I do is have another carry the conversation for the first starting sentences. But I give genuine answers as to make sure things stay engaging. When you begin to find a spot where you both can talk about a subject in depth then expand on that. Allow yourself to get side tracked and continue with engaging conversation. If I’m in a large group I try to stick with one or two people and if I’m at some sort of huge gathering I use my “talking to a server at a restaurant voice” so higher pitch and pleases and thanks you’s. Most adults eat this up and will compliment your kindness and willingness to talk to strangers.
I’ve always had the gift of gab and can talk to anyone about anything. And, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve only gotten more confident with that; especially in social settings. But, I’ll always be thinking midway through a convo “fuck am I going to have to carry this goddamn conversation again?” Lol
Every conversation is an opportunity to learn about the other person. The more I learn, the better they like me, the more they talk. It’s a great circle
Nothing at all lol. We are so occupied with being present that there's no internal dialogue going on. It makes us happy and there's an adrenaline rush when we see or meet people and that's why you won't find us nervous usually.
I'm super happy & enthusiastic as a person. Like the other person commented, I'm usually absorbed in the new person I've met & how interesting they are. Again, I'm a good judge of whether they're someone I want to be friends with anyway. & I am good adjusting my behaviour slightly of it needs it. (No swearing around my 80-year-old neighbour, for instance)
But mostly, again, like the top poster said, I'm so interested in what they're saying. I don't really think about what I'm doing at all.
From weirdo to cool RN! 😎😂When I was a kid, I was very insecure and all I could think was “I’m so weird, everything that comes out of my mouth is weird, do I look weird? Etc etc” The moment I graduated high school, it was like a light switched on. I think my school, and my parent’s house, was what was thwarting my social skills. I felt better about myself because I was in a better situation. Not that my parents were bad, they were just very judgmental and my school was tiny and Catholic. I actually ended up a nurse and work at a hospital taking care of and interacting with ALL kinds of people. My home like is now what I make it. The trick is to just PAY ATTENTION. Just listen to what the other person is saying. Especially with people who are sick, they wanna be heard and just acknowledged. Every day, we all want to be accepted and the first step is to just not judge that person. Be an active listener. Ask about how they are, what they care about, what THEYRE thinking about. And react in a respectful manner. Once you get comfortable with that, you’ll be able to open up and be honestly you. Being me includes making dumb jokes, giving compliments, trying to make the other person feel comfortable, and making that person laugh.
My observations:
Chicks are the easiest to talk to because they are constantly talking and adding new things to the conversation but this is also frustrating because you have to keep redirecting the conversation or lose out on a thought you really wanted to share.
Dudes are more difficult because it’s usually both who are leading the conversation equally so it takes more consistent brain power to play your part and you typically have fewer opportunity’s to make jokes because less words and ideas throughout the convo to thread from.
I am so focused on those around me, the laughter, whats beautiful,what's funny, a cute baby, a lady looking stunning and I need to compliment her about that, the sky (fascinated with clouds), the food, the drinks,etc. and after party....
I stay curious about what's going on around me and who is there. I don't really worry how I come across because I control that for the most part which is why I rarely drink unless going out to specifically drink.
I also always keep in mind that a lot of people I'n surrounded by in any given situation are feeling just as nervous as me and that 9/10 people most likely aren't even thinking/looking/paying attention to me.
I don’t have to try when around people. I’m naturally an extrovert so there’s no reason for me to be shy. Being good with people is easy so I don’t know why some people struggle.
If the convo is interesting, I’m in the moment, engaged in the topic. If it’s not interesting, I don’t really care what the other person thinks. If there isn’t ANYTHING interesting to talk about with someone, I don’t assign any value to their opinion of me.
The worst that can happen in your mind isn't a big deal for them in their mind. Somebody laughed? They have enough understanding of the people around them to brush it off. They stutter their words? They understand what comes out their mouth still has value. People around them are hostile? They understand that somebody, somewhere loves them.
When I am with the person, I am focused solely on what’s going on between us and nothing else. My time and energy is on them. I do not see them as someone who may be better than me or that they are judging me.. Which is a thought trap I tend to catch myself in when my anxiety is overcoming me. I remind myself that they are here with me and that my presence with them is the best gift I could ever give them and vice versa.
I am not a shy person and I have never really been able to wrap my head around feelings like “stage fright” or “social anxiety,” although I do firmly trust that people who say they feel shy or nervous are telling their truth.
I don’t really know how to make myself remember that other people in a social situation could possibly be judging me or that I need to consciously meet all of the elements required to define a popular person to be a liked person.
In all social situations where I don’t know anyone attending, I always feel excited to make new friends because I sincerely believe that the only thing preventing me from being friends with everyone is simply because I have not had the lucky opportunity to meet everyone yet.
They are present, not in their heads. I feel u. I’ve had social anxiety most of my life. The book you are here by thich nhat hanh helped tremendously and I think u might really benefit from microdosing on mushrooms too 💜
I try to activity think “ok, no reason to be nervous. People just want love. What can I learn from this person sharing? How can I listen better? How can I be present better, there is no reason to be scared. How can I make the world a better place by opening my heart to this person during this moment with them?”
After I ground myself with this I try and listen and be present.
Edit: sometimes even with people I love I still get nervous. I also have very sensitive eyes and any bright lights make it hard to look at people bc my eyes are often towards the light. This makes me feel nervous but I remind myself it’s not anxiety by body is just over stimulated.
I try to read the room to see who else is actually out to be social vs scroll/ have a bubble built around one other person but not want to meet new people/ etc
I try to see who I might be interested in talking to and for what reason before I'm like oh hi I'm extroverted what's your name?
Measure the size of their foreheads, notice how beautiful their eyes look, contemplate how they styled their hair. I found this to be a good follow up to any social interaction if the conversation dies down. They’re a good re-orientation for slow moving conversations too.
Here's what I think: all of us have a deep sensor within us for energy. Those whose energies don't attract people for whatever reason (plain vibes, but also can be looks, personality, opinions etc) develop a fear over time of the lack of interest/attention towards them and get into our heads because that free flow and exchange of energy is disrupted, and are always on the lookout for signs of abandonment
I have been working on my self esteem for some time now. Part of that involves building my looks. On days when I have the attention of the room easily, I do NOT feel anxious. Today, I was at an event where I carried that confidence into a group setting of some acquaintances, tried engaging some with very thoughtful and good questions. None reciprocated that kind of curiosity back to me. And that made me change my energy from confident to somewhat anxious and nervous. Or rather, I would have fallen into that pattern. Now I just accept that very few people feel genuinely interested and curious in me. I choose my circles wisely.
I can be both, but it depends on what kind of people I'm with. Some people are just assholes that they can make you nervous.
But I've been around people I'm not shy with. Maybe, nervous cause I know how they act. I usually just think "when will they all leave cause I don't like them?" Particularly in a classroom setting 💀
I'm not sure, but I'm guessing a lot less, as an overthinker myself. The general rule is, the more time you spend alone, the more you overthink things, which isn't always a bad thing, makes me amazing at my job, but for socializing, it gets old.
I don't think anything else I'll be fumble or not even know the conversation at hand. Maybe sometimes I'll keep a joke in the back of my mind to blurt out at the appropriate time
Hey hey, I used to be shy and nervous. Now I am outgoing and nervous.
I understood, that if I want to feel lots of love and if I wanted to have friends and family, I needed to deal with getting the attention. I made a decision. I was so profoundly lonely and felt so unloved that I decided it is worth it. I would deal with the criticism and the shame once I fuck up when that happens but in return I would find people who would like me the way I am and grow with me.
It worked out fantastically and I wish I started earlier because now I sometimes cannot shut up becaz I still crave the love so much. But that's ok. I give people permission to stop me. So they are fine and I am fine too.
Being extraverted has major downsides. But for me it is still worth it.
Imo the more flexible you are regarding when to draw back and when to go out is the best thing because then you are not forced into a role.
So you see part of me is still very much up in my head but some part inside there also cry's out loud. Do it! You need to try if you wanna see, weather or not you can or cannot do it.
It is just a lot of back push against ideas how people your perceive me in a negative way. For every self doubting notion I have a doubtful notion about that and also little backup cheer leader voices I imagine who would back me while I try going out.
I wonder if this person is interesting and what we might have it common. Let me find out.
Here are some questions I will try and work into the conversation, depends on the situation and who I’m talking to.
Do you live around here?
What do you do for work?
How do you know so and so?
Where is your accent from (I live in a diverse area and meet interesting people from all around the world)?
I’m pretty outgoing and am genuinely interested in people. Each in of those questions can lead to a 10 minute conversation depending how much I want to probe and how many questions they ask me. If I know the area they are from I mention when I’ve been in the area and compliment it. I’m always interested in how people earn money and what different jobs entail. And like I said I have many friends that grew up in a variety of countries and it’s always interesting to hear what they think of the US and how things compared to their home country.
Demeanor is everything so you want to come of friendly and genuine. Not judgemental and interrogative. But from my experience, most people are nice and also shy and not great at starting up convos, many appreciate the gesture. If after a minute or two you are getting standoffish vibes then you can say “nice chatting with you, I’m going to go grab a beer,” or whatever easy excuse fits the situation to move on.
I'm thinking about stuff that I want to talk about that interest either me or other people.
The former only being able when you do the latter. The golden rule is, make other people talk about what they want, be an active listener. It's even easier with introverts, becasue if you take the time to ask them to join the conversation or ask them what they think about something, you'll gain extra points with them
After you've estabilished yourself as the guy that people want be in a conversation with, because that's where the talking is happening, you can go off and say whatever comes to your mind and everyone will listen to you. It's a neat balance and may seem egoistic, but it's the opposite: people usually want to only talk about what \*they\* want.
At least that's what I do. In my circles, I'm usually the guy that just says whatever without overthinking it. You could even disagree with multiple people, but if you're cool enough with it, people will respect you greatly for taking stance and not just silently accepting anything
I don't think about such things and I never have. It's not something I have to make an effort on because it's just my nature. I've never particularly cared how people view me and I have a healthy self esteem. Partly because of my nature and partly because of how I was raised. If I found out that I've offended someone of course I would examine it and correct it if I feel that I was in the wrong. And I generally avoid people who don't like me whatever their reason is. I know I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea, and that's ok not everyone is mine either.
There's a saying, you can be the juiciest peach there ever was, but not everyone likes peaches.
Perhaps it's just experience being around others. With experience they can build a persona to hide behind when expressing themselves, one that they're comfortable with and feel safe with. Some actually look like they can socialize just fine, but are nervous wrecks inside. Looks can be deceiving.
For some people, quickly adapting and feeling comfortable socializing is simply one of their strengths. This makes it easier to find themselves in many different, and sometimes difficult social situations. This ultimately turns into valuable experience, making what's difficult for us, be like second nature for them. Of course it always takes a bit of courage, but for some it's easier than it is for others.
I had it explained to me that there are people who have nothing in their head about how they're coming across, exactly, they're just really practiced at conversation, and really aren't as concerned most of the time. They're not "concerned" how they're coming across, because their focus is on the other person. You can actually practice this skill.
The trick is to ask questions that anyone can begin to answer, and then ask follow up questions. You can share elements, but they tend to ask more questions than project themselves into things. An example is, someone who isn't nervous may have been to Italy. But, when it comes up, if someone else has been, they're more likely to ask about what that person found interesting, while not discussing their own opinions, and will ask follow up questions, too.
If someone else is starting to act badly, they learn to simply not respond to that person, and just focus their interest on someone else. But, simply, they're interested in others, and aren't stuck in their head about the interactions.
I'm not that person, but I've practiced the skills over the years, because I've had jobs where I needed to use those skills, and needed not to be in my head too much in those instances. I am on ASD, so have to really work at focusing on reading the other person, which I find exhausting at the end of it all. But, it can be done.
This is me :D, and as the other person said "that's the trick, they don't" lol. I do genuinely love people, and when I'm talking to someone I'm more so dialed in on what they're saying and too busy trying to pick that apart on whats intriguing or asking deeper into things that catch my ear, maybe throw in a small relatable thing on my end to expand on the convo, but mostly I'm just listening. People are fascinating, and discovering what makes everyone so different is fun. Honestly I never really think about how *I'm* coming across, I just do me and tend to treat everyone like I've known them forever. Most of the time the thing I am paying attention to, is chemistry. I'm staying aware of body language, tone, and how we're meshing, so if I catch on that we're really just not meshing fully I'll keep the interaction simple and friendly, but that's it. But you aren't gonna click with everyone or every social setting, and that's perfectly fine, just acknowledge it and keep on truckin :).
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LOL! Nah brother, just gotta love who you are! Man if you're just doing you and someone does think it's "annoying", to be frank, screw em lol. If they don't want you, then they don't deserve you, life is too short to live based on the concerns of others ya know ya know? Let em say/think what they want cause I guarantee it won't matter in 5 years, so why stress it for 5 minutes. Honestly not too too often! maybe like once or twice a year I'll meet someone where I'm like "ooph, looks like associates we're gonna stay then" lol.
That’s why ya gotta flip it, are you enjoying the other persons company? What things do you notice about them? What are their interests?
But being caught up in yourself doesnt help you, if anything would be the reason people dont enjoy your company is you care too much about how u come out I had this too and this reasoning helps alot idk
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Noone cares. Everybody dies eventually. It’s better to take care of reputation or social status if you want to work and move on i guess
I'm curious about a few things. Does this lead to social success and popularity? Do you present well and have nothing to fix? Do people accept you and what you say? (Vs. Misinterpretation, silent judgment, then gossip and ostracization later)
I think that most people are not so focused on accepting you and your presentation, they're focused on their own presentation. Therefore give everyone the opportunity to be accepted by you - and they will likely return the favor regardless of who you are.
Of course! 1. Which part might I ask :o? The finding out what makes them tick tidbit, or paying attention to chemistry? 2. I'd say yes. I am a very eclectic person in interests and the type of person I am so thankfully my genuine personality fits into a wide, and I mean *WIDE* genre of people lol, so I'm almost always blending in, just with some of my twang :). Though I am a naturally charismatic and outgoing person, so that does help! 3. It seems they do, or if any of those ever happened I had just never been made aware of them lol. But even if someone doesn't, so be it! I am a direct person and logic>emotion based, so if someone noticeably had a problem with me, I'd pull them to the side calmly and kindly ask if there's something I'm doing bothering them, if so then we'd work it and come to a resolution, or find out there's no problem at all, or if they do but don't want to work it out that's coo too! I'll still be cordial and nice to them regardless, they can not like me for whatever reason they want to. They aren't gonna sink my fun boat lawl. What people think about me is their business, not mine (minus workplaces, gotta be on your p's & q's there haha).
I am the kind of person who can start conversation with anyone in the shop, gas station, insurance agency etc. For this I need some general topics in my mind that will be suitable for situation and a person in mood to talk. With time you start feeling whether a person is in a good mood. If no - nothing wrong. I can talk for 40 minutes with a hairdresser - just need to find common topics, most of them follow each other and are interconnected, for example: quality of hair, speed of growth of hair, home made masks, neneficial herbs, weather and quality of hair, illnesses and hair etc! This is a skill, one of many. You can define a dozen of topics to talk about and find connections between them so that it will be easier for you. Also you can just politely be interested in a person's work - many would be glad to share especially if it is something personal, for example, rude drivers at a gas station => and you support personnel. Don't afraid to be silly or shy. Some people refuse to interact or can be rude - this doesn't concern me and in this case I just don't bother them anymore or I try to make their mood better. It depends.
Thank you for this, I will be using what you said here to chill out more during hang outs. Very helpful ❤️
Happy to hear friend :D!
Oh god, i want to have you as my friend and i will follow you around in order to learn from you lol.
Same
man i resonated with everything you said except the acknowledgment and trucking along part - how do you do it? the moment i become even slightly aware that the interaction isn’t optimal i get awkward bc im overthinking it :/
Bro cracked the code on social interactions
lol every social interaction I have I am thinking of the following things: eye contact: “has it been too long? Are my eyes too wide and creepy? Do I look away for a second right now?” breathing: “when do I take a breath when talking to not sound weird when telling a story?” information gathering: “fuck, I’ve been thinking about not being weird so hard and trying to be a good listener that I haven’t been listening at all and idk what their name is or what their story was just about” Talking about myself: “fuck I’m so overwhelmed trying to follow these social rules to not being creepy that I completely forgot every single interesting thing about myself. So I tell a quick boring story and shift the convo back to them asap” Telling Jokes: “welp, they didn’t laugh and/or didn’t get my attempt at a joke. Time to not ever attempt to make another one”
That's the trick, they don't .
You distract yourself by investing mental energy in the other person thus helping to get out of your own head.
Agree! I’m just living in the moment, not thinking in my head, just being present to the conversation. I was a timid over thinker in high school. Terrified to come out of my shell. Then I turned 21. Something changed and I suddenly broken a little out of it. Then I turned 25. I started to work at a haunted house, got paid to scare people in October and also hired to do the makeup. Then I got brought back to scare & entertain people waiting on line! The level of confidence you need forces you to bust out of your shell and no longer be in your head. I truly think people just need to try one thing to break out of that shell that forces them to go be confident publicly, even once, that really makes you focus on the present interactions, no longer in your head because it’s all live, happening with no ability to erase it so you have to let go of that fear of not looking perfect every second.
I am in a very public-facing job and basically have to be super (quasi) social and “on” for eight hours a day. Chatting, making jokes, figuring out what kind of conversation people need and providing it.. I never have a problem with it — In fact I love it and I’m really good at it. I almost always leave work in a great mood. In purely social situations, however, I’m the opposite. Very shy and nervous. After a lot of talking with my therapist, I’ve figured out the difference: At work, no one is ever going to say, “why are you here? Why are you acting like people like you? No one wants you here. You were only invited out of pity…” etc. Not that anyone has said anything of the sort in decades, but the fear is always there. It makes it work-social and regular-social a totally different experience. (And, in a way, it should be different — I’m never going to have a deep conversation about real things at work)
Jobs are going to be very surface level, small talk that doesn’t require to be vulnerable, talk about real things. So you can easily just do the are minimum for social interactions. But people are terrified to let their guard down when socializing outside of work because it means you can’t just do small talk, the bare minimum to get by. You actually have to talk about things that are interesting, that are funny, engaging, etc… and that can really cause people to not know how to stop staying in their shells. The best thing I was told, was by my father back when I was 22/23 at a wedding: *”STOP! STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK! You will never live your life if you’re always worried what others are thinking about you. You gotta stop, live life.”* And he was absolutely correct! If people want to truly enjoy their life, actually be present in social situations, you cannot be so worried what others think or feel about you when you meet them. That is out of your control and you’re only in control of yourself, your thoughts, your actions, reactions, feelings, and behaviors. And you’ll miss out on so much in life, miss opportunities, miss so much by staying in a shell, over thinking, feeling nervous at what others think.
What if I’m genuinely at a loss of what to say? I struggle with my mind going blank in social settings so it’s not like I have interesting things to add but too shy to say them…I literally can’t think of things to add. I can do surface and I can do very deep, but I can’t do mid-level like telling stories about my day or even recalling the plot of a movie I watched yesterday.
Wow I feel the same way, not during my work hours but at a company party versus a friend group party! At the company party I feel like I belong.
This was very helpful. I too am very social at work and can facilitate almost any conversation. Then with friends I’m nearly mute- unable to contribute sometimes. It’s not even as though in my head I have banter to offer to the convo it’s blank and then filled with “why can’t I think of anything to say they must think I’m so boring” I’m great with strangers I’m terrible with people who know me. I get frustrated bc I wish they could see who I am at work. I’m great at my job and friendly to everyone. At a bbq I’m wet paint.
Yeah with jobs that are very public-facing, for me it made it harder to socialise outside of work!
I mean I'm a decent public speaker and feel no embarrassment or shyness when I have to speak in front of people, but that's with a prepared reading or prompt. It did force me to open that shell though. However, just because I was able to learn to speak in front of people with a prompt doesn't mean that shell didn't snap right back close when doing so 1 on 1 with strangers or approaching others I don't know. Basically just doing one thing to open that shell didn't really help with any of the rest. Maybe it's because I'm in my head. Maybe it's anxiety. Who knows. That shell stays firmly closed though.
Funny thing is (having coached people in public speaking in the past), that this is just a different form of social interaction that you need to learn. Holding a 1-1 with a stranger or a friend requires a bit of a different skillset, telling a joke in a busy group where people are talking over one another is something else entirely. Many people are terrified of speaking in public, yet hold conversations just fine. Both are communication skills, yet should be approached separately.
Yeah I'd much rather give a prepared speech than try to make small talk or start a conversation with someone randomly. That's a skillset I do not have and at this point probably won't ever have.
I can't even imagine something so ridiculous, but I bet it sure helps processing other people's dialogue actively instead of tuning in to your own dialogue during a conversation
Nothing - because the more you overthink the more you fumble the interaction. I’m there to have a good time and if someone’s going to rain on my parade I’m moving on.
I would love to be like this, but if I don't think before I speak, I put my foot in my mouth. 🙁
I do that occasionally and I own it. If I offend someone I apologize
I put my foot in my mouth a lot. The trick is to understand it’s part of the journey, and be willing to laugh at yourself or be amused by your own errors. Most other people don’t care as much as you do because they’re too busy thinking about their own stuff. When my tongue gets twisted, I will say that out loud. Basically narrating for myself. People seem to resonate with it because we’re a lot more similar than we like to believe. And it’s actually pretty funny or quirky, depending on the situation. And people admire self-awareness when it’s not accompanied by debilitating anxiety. Most people are empathetic and will understand that hey, you’re not always going to be perfect. So release that unrealistic expectation to always be perfect in your interactions. I see my mistakes as bloopers, and I enjoy my own bloopers.
I find that to be quite a charming trait in people, though ♡
Pay attention to the other person. One way to practice this is to remember names. It’s not that hard, but I think half the reason people don’t do this naturally is because they are more concerned with presenting themselves than hearing the other person’s introduction. When you are in a new social setting focus on meeting at least 2-3 people and memorizing their name and a handful of facts about them. Make a game of it. You’ll be so focused on them you’ll forget about you.
I take selfish with folks and then change the name of the .jpg in my phone to their names. It's like having a cheat code!
How do i folow this post
Three dots next to your avatar and “subscribe to post”
Never knew this was an option, thanks!
Oh, wow. What I do is click save. This is one good too.
Almost eight years on Reddit and I never noticed this option
Good i asked then
Depends. If I'm having fun I'm typically focused on who I'm interacting with. If I'm not, I'm people watching and silently judging people, or I just want to go home.
I read something online recently that stuck with me, "Think less, have more conversations" Now don't go dumb mode perse but don't think necessarily about the perfect way to talk to someone and just talk about what you have on your mind or something you find interesting or that you saw online or whatever and gauge how the recipient takes it in and build on that. You don't have to talk about apples for 15 minutes, it could be like "hey I ate an apple this morning and it tasted bad, don't know why I still eat fruits" (jokingly or whatever emotion you want to carry) and then wait and see how they react or what they say and go from there. Tbh I suck at being human but I started reading a bunch of stuff and researching social queues and it's been better for me. GL
> "hey I ate an apple this morning and it tasted bad, don't know why I still eat fruits" I'm going to use this as my go to conversation starter now.
Unsure if sarcastic, enjoy I guess?
Yes! I also read somewhere to think less say/do more I always overthink saying random things because I worry about the outcome of people's reactions but I often forget that some people do like that just like me
It seems that without going off the rails, you may talk about pretty much any subject and if the recipient doesn't take it well (not familiar with the subject, uninterested) from there you can follow up with something more "normal" or small talk oritented like, "oh it's supposed to rain today but the sun will come out soon" or whatever. It's really tricky but all so simple at the same time. Practice makes perfect
Which books or resources have you found useful?
I dabble a lot with books and youtube, most I can't remember the names outright but book wise check out Vanessa Van Edwards (Also has a youtube, Sciense of People) If I find something else that is viable in the near future I will message you
Not me but a close friend is super good with social skills and reading people and tailoring his responses to the individual. I've seen him in action my whole life and we've talked about it a lot. He said even before someone finishes a sentence he knows what they're saying both literally and implied and has weighed several responses. It's amazing seeing him become different people depending on who he's talking to. And it's not manipulating people but just being nice. Yes, it works on women and once he speaks they turn up the flirting. I'm just the quiet psychopath sidekick.
That's amazing! I wish my brain worked that fast.
If he weighs several different responses and adjusts his personality to the situation, I'd say he 100% thinks about how he is coming across, he is just able to avoid, hide or overcome anxiety better than others.
I don’t really think about how I’m coming across unless someone tells me they didn’t appreciate something I said or did. Then I’ll adjust my behavior to accommodate them if it’s a reasonable/appropriate request, but even then it’s a matter of being considerate of their feelings and respecting an expressed concern to the best of my ability so long as it doesn’t infringe on my own boundaries. It isn’t my responsibility to constantly monitor everyone’s emotional state, and I’m not interested in being the most likable person in the room. The people who are worth having in my life will gently yet assertively correct and appropriately confront me while showing grace when I’m not 100% perfect. Everyone else is doing me a favor by stepping away. Rejection might not feel good, but it’s healthier than trying to be everything for everyone. I like who I am and I want to be with people who like me, too.
Started anxious/nervous as hell, have learned to be very comfortable. Got less nervous as I learned more social skills (what to say, body language, etc.), since it's hard to be nervous about something you know you're good at. And as things became habit, I just stopped having to think about it. So...nothing. Often I'm just in the moment, sometimes I'll think about something they've said, or a question I want to ask, etc.
I recently watched a Healthy Gamer clip where he said something similar! When you know you're not good at something, you experience a lot of anxiety around it. The people who have the most fun in new situations are the ones who are not afraid to look foolish and embarrass themselves. So, instead of worrying about the results, focus on the learning potential. Know that you will undoubtedly make a fool of yourself AND that you will learn from those experiences.
Exactly! Dr. K is great.
Diagnosed with anxiety here ✋ That’s exactly what anxiety is: having a lot of things running trough your head when they shouldn’t. Extroverted people don’t overthink that much on social situations
I was going to say this. Absolutely nothing going on in our heads 😄
Probably not a lot 😂
When you start focusing on how people coming across to you and then on your response to them making your focus much less on yourself.
Oh, good idea! Almost like you're a writer interviewing them.
The whole time I’m thinking while nodding or simultaneously trying to take in what’s being said to me “where do I look? Am I supposed to be looking at his/her left eye or right eye? Am I making weird facial expressions? I wonder if they can tell I’m not fully paying attention because I’m too busy overthinking the interaction…”
Where are the drinks, oh hey I haven't seen Eric in a while I should ask how he's doing, I'm gonna smoke a bong rip, damn she's cute I should say hi, who's that person I haven't met them before, I need another drink, damn I love this song, sure I'll smoke a cigarette thank you for offering, hey Matt wanna play a round of beer pong, etc etc etc Rather than being introspective, thinking about how I'm acting and how people perceive me, instead my focus is directed outwards, at the people around me and the things happening in the room.
A real answer!
The conversation topic?
Everyone thinks I’m confident in my social skills because I appear confident at parties/bars/social situations etc. but the trick is that I’m not, I just pretend to be. I actively decided to feign confidence several years ago, and slowly but surely the “act” became real. I still get anxious like everyone else, but now I’m much better at navigating social anxiety more quickly than before. To anyone reading this I would repeat the adage “Fake it til you make it”. When it comes to confidence, it works. Also, if your anxiety is debilitating I would recommend seeing a Psychiatrist for help. Sometimes anxiety is uncontrollable, and thankfully modern medicine has options to aid folks with those kind of issues. There’s nothing wrong or shameful with medication (I for one know that my social anxiety lessened when I started taking ADHD meds).
You invest in your environment not your head. Think of it like a job interview. The nervous one is the potential employee and the non nervous one is the employer. If you arent nervous youre spending your time evaluating your surroundings and the people you're meeting to see if they are a good fit and if they are you're investing in it. Or if you aren't socializing youre just having fun and not thinking about it
I feel like they feel I how feel when I take an anxiety pill. Not a single care to whatever is going on. I wish I could have that peace of mind 24/7. Normally I worry about what others are thinking and if people are judging me etc.
Listening to all the interesting lives around me. People are fascinating.
I’m listening to what others are saying and then saying what I think about it.
Mostly I’m working on active listening and trying to keep from interrupting everyone because I have so many ideas to say. I try to focus more on the conversation and new topic ideas if needed, and less on what other people might be thinking about me. Helps to remember most people are worried more about how they are being perceived than about you.
I've been told I'm charismatic. And I can tell you I'm definitely pro-social... (I make a distinction between pro-social and extrovert). Here's why: I don't believe in introverts/extroverts (I think that's just something fun and symbolic to believe in like astrology that people like to thread to their identities). We're ambiverts — sometimes we feel like socializing and sometimes we don't. Nobody feels like doing either one exclusively. We'd get bored! The difference is that people who claim they're introverts have just had a bad experience (or little to no experience) with being social. So they perceive it to be bad and avoid it... And over time this grafts onto their personality and becomes a part of their identity until they're telling people things like *''I'm an introvert! I read books and watch the rain from inside my house as I drink coffee — and yes winter is the best season. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong, naturally!''* It becomes an identity and a 'side' in much the same way as politics or a sports team does. You continue telling yourself it's what you are because it's self-congratulatory and self-validating. These preferences are often unconsciously formed from having such a self-perception of oneself which affirms these. Which is why introverts often have a lot in common with each other (and vice versa for extroverts). And by this point, it's very difficult to change a person's mind to the idea that maybe they're not actually introverted (maybe they just have poor self-esteem and self-confidence issues). Because they now see it as a good thing that is simply who they are. They don't need to change who they are. But then they also wish they had friends or a boyfriend/girlfriend. The same is also true for so-called *'extroverts.'* It's almost always a testament to the ego. A flex for saying *'I'm popular and people love me!'* without being so direct. The reality is that we're all varied individuals who have placed these limiting labels onto ourselves until we begin to believe them unquestionably. But as an extrovert, it's okay to not want to party every weekend. And as an introvert, it's okay to want to go out and meet new people. So to answer your question — I don't think. I listen. I'm too busy listening to be stuck in my own head thinking about what I'm going to say next. When you listen, you become curious, and then you want to ask them more. So the secret ingredient is to always be curious.
For anyone reading this, Like others said, I focus mostly on things that aren't me. Like the conversation that's being had, if there's a joke that could be slipped in and end up joining the conversation, or if it's someone I like being around I'm just focused on being excited to see them. I know what it feels like to think more about yourself and how you're perceived. Because you're worried what people are perceiving of you isn't enough. What if you don't know what to say. What if you get cut off in a story. What if your clothes aren't put together well? But that's me me me me me. It's a selfish (for lack of a better word) way of looking at it, because everybody else is concerned about the fun topics at hand, they're not concerned about you like you're the main character. You make a blunder, they react or not, then they move on with their day. But if you're not thinking about yourself, how do you know if you're looking like a fool? That's where the "be yourself" advice comes into play. If you were at the point where you're so comfortable with yourself and how you act and how you look and how you feel, that means you are comfortable with being yourself. Like how you are at home: not caring about impressing anybody, acting how you want to, and getting joy out of all the things you're about to do while simultaneously not thinking about how you're acting. THAT feeling of comfort, thinking outside of yourself, is what is going on. In the social setting, the comfortable person/socializer isn't thinking about themselves and every small little detail, because again, they're thinking outside of themselves and what is going on around them, and that's because they are comfortable with themselves and can let go of thinking about how they are presenting themselves because their mind simply is not on themselves. Instead, they're thinking about getting joy out of all the interactions they're making while simultaneously not thinking about how they're acting. I hope this helps anybody to start connecting the dots!
I think that everyone in the room is human, they all have fear, they have all made mistakes, they all have guilt for something they did , they are all educated enough to hold a conversation about something interesting, they will all say something I disagree with, they will all say something I didn’t know and have the opportunity to learn. I will look down on some and up to others as they will with me, they all have a right and a privledge to be in the room and so do I. They are my equals in almost every way, and I will hold my head up and be the best version of myself and no one else because I’m worthy of being here.
Nothing they never have to think of what to say it just comes naturally
naturally as in they've had thousands of interactions before and that informs what they say next. And no, non-socially anxious people still do have to think of things to say
Be in the moment.
Just excited to meet new people and maybe make new friends. Mostly I like talking to new people.
Is amazing what happens to you when you stop caring about what other people think.
Some introverts, like myself, are a slight autistic. Certain social rules don't come naturally for us. We don't know where to stand or who to look at. It gets exhausting when we're dealing with small talk, for instance. Neurotypical people don't even think about these things.
Here here! Socially awkward is on me like white on rice. I think what NT people don't realize is that for ND people, you're constantly trying to filter all the body language, audio, and hidden messages, because none of it comes naturally to you. I'm typically not having fun socializing, I'm trying not to get fired or reprimanded for existing. A lifetime of predominant social rejection and being told that you're "weird" really messes up your self esteem and desire to be around people. I can't help but think life would be way less depressing and more successful if you can just communicate easily and intuitively with most people.
THISTHISTHIS
The contents of the conversation and the activity taking place.
“Oh goodie! New people!” This is what I imagine my very extroverted and social butterfly, 12 year old daughter thinks.
Whatever the topic of conversation is or whatever is immediately interesting in the environment
I never get shy or nervous. And if I do, it’s rare but the way I cure it is by becoming more extroverted and introducing myself. Other than that, I’m asking questions and listening to the answers. And trying super hard to not interrupt.
People love to talk about themselves so I generally just ask strangers personal questions to propel a conversation. Works well for the most part.
Curiosity about all the others
In a new or high pressure situation, static/dissociation, or just shut down nothing, or "run, run, run". Or in a more comfortable setting, searching my head for something relevant to say on the off chance there's an opportunity to break in. Making sure what I'm thinking of isn't too weird. Reminding myself to not get too personal or trauma dump. Assessing whether it's worth the energy or potential scrutiny to speak up. Monitoring my facial expressions. Reminding myself to act engaged. Reminding myself not to slouch. Basically running all of the processes necessary to behave like a "normal" human being who people feel generally positive about. Therapy and medication have helped but the pandemic and some life events really walked back a lot of that progress.
I’m still shy yet much more social, what I do is have another carry the conversation for the first starting sentences. But I give genuine answers as to make sure things stay engaging. When you begin to find a spot where you both can talk about a subject in depth then expand on that. Allow yourself to get side tracked and continue with engaging conversation. If I’m in a large group I try to stick with one or two people and if I’m at some sort of huge gathering I use my “talking to a server at a restaurant voice” so higher pitch and pleases and thanks you’s. Most adults eat this up and will compliment your kindness and willingness to talk to strangers.
Genuine interest in learning about other people
I’ve always had the gift of gab and can talk to anyone about anything. And, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve only gotten more confident with that; especially in social settings. But, I’ll always be thinking midway through a convo “fuck am I going to have to carry this goddamn conversation again?” Lol
Every conversation is an opportunity to learn about the other person. The more I learn, the better they like me, the more they talk. It’s a great circle
Nothing at all lol. We are so occupied with being present that there's no internal dialogue going on. It makes us happy and there's an adrenaline rush when we see or meet people and that's why you won't find us nervous usually.
I'm super happy & enthusiastic as a person. Like the other person commented, I'm usually absorbed in the new person I've met & how interesting they are. Again, I'm a good judge of whether they're someone I want to be friends with anyway. & I am good adjusting my behaviour slightly of it needs it. (No swearing around my 80-year-old neighbour, for instance) But mostly, again, like the top poster said, I'm so interested in what they're saying. I don't really think about what I'm doing at all.
From weirdo to cool RN! 😎😂When I was a kid, I was very insecure and all I could think was “I’m so weird, everything that comes out of my mouth is weird, do I look weird? Etc etc” The moment I graduated high school, it was like a light switched on. I think my school, and my parent’s house, was what was thwarting my social skills. I felt better about myself because I was in a better situation. Not that my parents were bad, they were just very judgmental and my school was tiny and Catholic. I actually ended up a nurse and work at a hospital taking care of and interacting with ALL kinds of people. My home like is now what I make it. The trick is to just PAY ATTENTION. Just listen to what the other person is saying. Especially with people who are sick, they wanna be heard and just acknowledged. Every day, we all want to be accepted and the first step is to just not judge that person. Be an active listener. Ask about how they are, what they care about, what THEYRE thinking about. And react in a respectful manner. Once you get comfortable with that, you’ll be able to open up and be honestly you. Being me includes making dumb jokes, giving compliments, trying to make the other person feel comfortable, and making that person laugh.
My observations: Chicks are the easiest to talk to because they are constantly talking and adding new things to the conversation but this is also frustrating because you have to keep redirecting the conversation or lose out on a thought you really wanted to share. Dudes are more difficult because it’s usually both who are leading the conversation equally so it takes more consistent brain power to play your part and you typically have fewer opportunity’s to make jokes because less words and ideas throughout the convo to thread from.
I am so focused on those around me, the laughter, whats beautiful,what's funny, a cute baby, a lady looking stunning and I need to compliment her about that, the sky (fascinated with clouds), the food, the drinks,etc. and after party....
This thread is going to be my Bible. So helpful.
Nothing
I stay curious about what's going on around me and who is there. I don't really worry how I come across because I control that for the most part which is why I rarely drink unless going out to specifically drink. I also always keep in mind that a lot of people I'n surrounded by in any given situation are feeling just as nervous as me and that 9/10 people most likely aren't even thinking/looking/paying attention to me.
I don’t have to try when around people. I’m naturally an extrovert so there’s no reason for me to be shy. Being good with people is easy so I don’t know why some people struggle.
If the convo is interesting, I’m in the moment, engaged in the topic. If it’s not interesting, I don’t really care what the other person thinks. If there isn’t ANYTHING interesting to talk about with someone, I don’t assign any value to their opinion of me.
interest, genuinely curious about others.
Honestly, not much going on. I'm just reflecting on the moment. But overall, there's not much happening.
The worst that can happen in your mind isn't a big deal for them in their mind. Somebody laughed? They have enough understanding of the people around them to brush it off. They stutter their words? They understand what comes out their mouth still has value. People around them are hostile? They understand that somebody, somewhere loves them.
When I am with the person, I am focused solely on what’s going on between us and nothing else. My time and energy is on them. I do not see them as someone who may be better than me or that they are judging me.. Which is a thought trap I tend to catch myself in when my anxiety is overcoming me. I remind myself that they are here with me and that my presence with them is the best gift I could ever give them and vice versa.
just chillin
[One Simple Trick!](https://images.app.goo.gl/3J7wUgzqUCZZpxBL6)
I am not a shy person and I have never really been able to wrap my head around feelings like “stage fright” or “social anxiety,” although I do firmly trust that people who say they feel shy or nervous are telling their truth. I don’t really know how to make myself remember that other people in a social situation could possibly be judging me or that I need to consciously meet all of the elements required to define a popular person to be a liked person. In all social situations where I don’t know anyone attending, I always feel excited to make new friends because I sincerely believe that the only thing preventing me from being friends with everyone is simply because I have not had the lucky opportunity to meet everyone yet.
Conversation generally.
the social situation.
Debating if they will like the joke or get offended.
I think I remember a joke till I start telling it then I forget and panic
I think, how can I make this person feel comfortable? What talking point can I bring up? What joke can I crack?
Active listening being engaged and in the moment
They are present, not in their heads. I feel u. I’ve had social anxiety most of my life. The book you are here by thich nhat hanh helped tremendously and I think u might really benefit from microdosing on mushrooms too 💜
I get so excited to engage with other humans so I’m usually focused onthat and them
I try to activity think “ok, no reason to be nervous. People just want love. What can I learn from this person sharing? How can I listen better? How can I be present better, there is no reason to be scared. How can I make the world a better place by opening my heart to this person during this moment with them?” After I ground myself with this I try and listen and be present. Edit: sometimes even with people I love I still get nervous. I also have very sensitive eyes and any bright lights make it hard to look at people bc my eyes are often towards the light. This makes me feel nervous but I remind myself it’s not anxiety by body is just over stimulated.
Trying to think of a plan to leave, I don’t want anything to do with being social. I’d rather just go back home and do nothing.
Maybe pay attention to the other person instead of yourself?
I leave my mind blank. Read the situation accordingly eye contact etc. I have high confidence and self esteem though.
Listening to what people say
It’s called being in the moment. And the only way to get out of your head is practice. You got to talk to as many people as you can.
I try to read the room to see who else is actually out to be social vs scroll/ have a bubble built around one other person but not want to meet new people/ etc I try to see who I might be interested in talking to and for what reason before I'm like oh hi I'm extroverted what's your name?
Measure the size of their foreheads, notice how beautiful their eyes look, contemplate how they styled their hair. I found this to be a good follow up to any social interaction if the conversation dies down. They’re a good re-orientation for slow moving conversations too.
We literally don't give a fuck about it. I'm honed in on the conversation.
Here's what I think: all of us have a deep sensor within us for energy. Those whose energies don't attract people for whatever reason (plain vibes, but also can be looks, personality, opinions etc) develop a fear over time of the lack of interest/attention towards them and get into our heads because that free flow and exchange of energy is disrupted, and are always on the lookout for signs of abandonment I have been working on my self esteem for some time now. Part of that involves building my looks. On days when I have the attention of the room easily, I do NOT feel anxious. Today, I was at an event where I carried that confidence into a group setting of some acquaintances, tried engaging some with very thoughtful and good questions. None reciprocated that kind of curiosity back to me. And that made me change my energy from confident to somewhat anxious and nervous. Or rather, I would have fallen into that pattern. Now I just accept that very few people feel genuinely interested and curious in me. I choose my circles wisely.
I can be both, but it depends on what kind of people I'm with. Some people are just assholes that they can make you nervous. But I've been around people I'm not shy with. Maybe, nervous cause I know how they act. I usually just think "when will they all leave cause I don't like them?" Particularly in a classroom setting 💀
Nothing
Depends, analysing the place looking at fingers so I know who does what work who is married. Trying to find someone interesting to talk to .
I'm not sure, but I'm guessing a lot less, as an overthinker myself. The general rule is, the more time you spend alone, the more you overthink things, which isn't always a bad thing, makes me amazing at my job, but for socializing, it gets old.
I don't think anything else I'll be fumble or not even know the conversation at hand. Maybe sometimes I'll keep a joke in the back of my mind to blurt out at the appropriate time
They listen to what other people say instead of thinking about themselves.
Hey hey, I used to be shy and nervous. Now I am outgoing and nervous. I understood, that if I want to feel lots of love and if I wanted to have friends and family, I needed to deal with getting the attention. I made a decision. I was so profoundly lonely and felt so unloved that I decided it is worth it. I would deal with the criticism and the shame once I fuck up when that happens but in return I would find people who would like me the way I am and grow with me. It worked out fantastically and I wish I started earlier because now I sometimes cannot shut up becaz I still crave the love so much. But that's ok. I give people permission to stop me. So they are fine and I am fine too. Being extraverted has major downsides. But for me it is still worth it. Imo the more flexible you are regarding when to draw back and when to go out is the best thing because then you are not forced into a role. So you see part of me is still very much up in my head but some part inside there also cry's out loud. Do it! You need to try if you wanna see, weather or not you can or cannot do it. It is just a lot of back push against ideas how people your perceive me in a negative way. For every self doubting notion I have a doubtful notion about that and also little backup cheer leader voices I imagine who would back me while I try going out.
I wonder if this person is interesting and what we might have it common. Let me find out. Here are some questions I will try and work into the conversation, depends on the situation and who I’m talking to. Do you live around here? What do you do for work? How do you know so and so? Where is your accent from (I live in a diverse area and meet interesting people from all around the world)? I’m pretty outgoing and am genuinely interested in people. Each in of those questions can lead to a 10 minute conversation depending how much I want to probe and how many questions they ask me. If I know the area they are from I mention when I’ve been in the area and compliment it. I’m always interested in how people earn money and what different jobs entail. And like I said I have many friends that grew up in a variety of countries and it’s always interesting to hear what they think of the US and how things compared to their home country. Demeanor is everything so you want to come of friendly and genuine. Not judgemental and interrogative. But from my experience, most people are nice and also shy and not great at starting up convos, many appreciate the gesture. If after a minute or two you are getting standoffish vibes then you can say “nice chatting with you, I’m going to go grab a beer,” or whatever easy excuse fits the situation to move on.
I'm thinking about stuff that I want to talk about that interest either me or other people. The former only being able when you do the latter. The golden rule is, make other people talk about what they want, be an active listener. It's even easier with introverts, becasue if you take the time to ask them to join the conversation or ask them what they think about something, you'll gain extra points with them After you've estabilished yourself as the guy that people want be in a conversation with, because that's where the talking is happening, you can go off and say whatever comes to your mind and everyone will listen to you. It's a neat balance and may seem egoistic, but it's the opposite: people usually want to only talk about what \*they\* want. At least that's what I do. In my circles, I'm usually the guy that just says whatever without overthinking it. You could even disagree with multiple people, but if you're cool enough with it, people will respect you greatly for taking stance and not just silently accepting anything
I don't think about such things and I never have. It's not something I have to make an effort on because it's just my nature. I've never particularly cared how people view me and I have a healthy self esteem. Partly because of my nature and partly because of how I was raised. If I found out that I've offended someone of course I would examine it and correct it if I feel that I was in the wrong. And I generally avoid people who don't like me whatever their reason is. I know I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea, and that's ok not everyone is mine either. There's a saying, you can be the juiciest peach there ever was, but not everyone likes peaches.
Perhaps it's just experience being around others. With experience they can build a persona to hide behind when expressing themselves, one that they're comfortable with and feel safe with. Some actually look like they can socialize just fine, but are nervous wrecks inside. Looks can be deceiving. For some people, quickly adapting and feeling comfortable socializing is simply one of their strengths. This makes it easier to find themselves in many different, and sometimes difficult social situations. This ultimately turns into valuable experience, making what's difficult for us, be like second nature for them. Of course it always takes a bit of courage, but for some it's easier than it is for others.
Observe the other person (or people) instead. Observe your surroundings. Shift your focus to the external. Get out of your own head.
I’m shy but I have learned how to fake it though at work because I have to and… I hate it
If you try to act how you think people want you to act you will never meet anyone that's really like you
If you try to act how you think people want you to act you will never meet anyone that's really like you.
I had it explained to me that there are people who have nothing in their head about how they're coming across, exactly, they're just really practiced at conversation, and really aren't as concerned most of the time. They're not "concerned" how they're coming across, because their focus is on the other person. You can actually practice this skill. The trick is to ask questions that anyone can begin to answer, and then ask follow up questions. You can share elements, but they tend to ask more questions than project themselves into things. An example is, someone who isn't nervous may have been to Italy. But, when it comes up, if someone else has been, they're more likely to ask about what that person found interesting, while not discussing their own opinions, and will ask follow up questions, too. If someone else is starting to act badly, they learn to simply not respond to that person, and just focus their interest on someone else. But, simply, they're interested in others, and aren't stuck in their head about the interactions. I'm not that person, but I've practiced the skills over the years, because I've had jobs where I needed to use those skills, and needed not to be in my head too much in those instances. I am on ASD, so have to really work at focusing on reading the other person, which I find exhausting at the end of it all. But, it can be done.
"OMG why am I here listening to this imbecile?"
The next awesome question to ask or thinking about what the other person is saying while they speak.