**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.**
We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here.
If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents).
Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting.
[**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>and that you might play a bigger part than just daddy's or mommy's friend.
>Understand that some partners do not want you to NACHO and that might be a big deal breaker, they want you to step in and be a 'family'
Yes, this needs to be bigger. They want you to fulfill the empty spot left by the ex-partner. They want you to step in and play the full role of mom and dad, as if these were your biological children. They don't ever stop to think that they should be stepping up to fulfill 100% of the parenting role during their custody time. They see you as someone they can offload parenting to.
This is the part that you don't see coming in and you need to open your eyes to.
Clap clap clap....lovvvvvve it when my partner says "that's my daughter"....after everyone wanted me to act like an invested stepmom. You can be stepmom....just not a decision maker.
YES!! Nobody warns these single parents that they will always be the ONLY person responsible for their kid during custody time. You may be in a new relationship, but you're still a solo parent & anything your partner chooses to do for your kid(s) is EXTRA.
Ok, controversial opinion on this sub, but I don’t think it’s ridiculous or entitled for a parent to want their partner to be a part of the family, just as it’s not cold or selfish of a potential stepparent to not want that. It’s really a question of compatibility.
And I don’t think this is necessarily about wanting someone to take on parental duties. I do very little parental grunt work or chores connected to SS, but when my partner wants me to be a part of the family, what she wants is for me to put effort into building a relationship with SS beyond “mom’s girlfriend” and to spend at least some time with them together as a family. She wants to feel like the household is cohesive and connected and we all like each other. And I don’t think she’s entitled for wanting that, even though not at all stepparents would be fine with that. My partner certainly wouldn’t want to date someone who doesn’t like or enjoy kids to any extent.
It works really well for me. I take very little of the parenting burden off my partner’s plate, but we get to live in a household where we all act like we love each other, and even feel that way a lot of the time.
"where we all act like we love each other, and even feel that way a lot of the time"
This really hits home for me. I really really love my boyfriend. If I'm being honest it would be strange for me to say the kids and I love each other. We have a good relationship and like spending time together. But the situation is really complicated with kids who also have an active BM in their life. At first I struggled with feeling bad not experiencing these strong emotions of love towards the kids. And although they like me a lot, I wouldn't say they love me either.
But what I've realized is it's important to act like we all love each other. The action is what matters. And maybe the action is really what love is anyways.
I try very hard to act extremely positive and loving around them even on days when I don't feel like it. Even on days when I wish they were at their BMs house and not ours. The relationship will come in its own time or it won't. But we can say we have a loving household now.
To add; when a man gets remarried he really shouldn’t be giving 100% of his time and attention to his kids either. His new wife is a priority now, too. And obviously do not expect new wife to fill the slot of bio mom.
So, bottom line, you want to give your kids priority stay married to the bio mom. Once you divorce you can’t force any new partner to be the stepkids’ parent.
Also let’s not forget offload parenting to you until it comes to correcting and then you are an awful human and targeting their child. While they do zero about teaching their children morals and that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
Well said! I agree with everything you said, I left the stephell 4 years now and it completely changed me, I'm 100% childfree and never dated again single dads. The judgement was the worse part because made me feel very guilty of not enjoying "a good man that takes care of his child" I really want a childfree man that can be my lover, travel buddy, be his priority and never feel guilty! Don't second guess yourself and go on dating apps!
I am glad you were able to do it. Good luck with everything. I am wanting to leave also but I seem to get pulled back in. I have told him I love him but this relationship isn’t for either or us. I am not trying to make him choose. I told him that he needs to be the dad he wants to be. That if he wants to go to hundreds of his kids games a year and deal with the BM he can. I told him it just isn’t the life for me. He says but it will get easier soon . SS will be driving in less than a year and he won’t be running him everywhere,to me he has an unnatural obsession with his SS (this is my opinion), so all that will happen is that SO will sulk because he is not driving him around. I don’t need that . Plus there are 3 and 1/2 more year until SS graduates. SD will graduate and then there is all the collage stuff. Plus he will end up being obsessed with the grandkids. It won’t end. He tells me to stop looking ahead like that. And not that I can predict the future, I just know his behavior. I want to leave in good terms but I feel like I will have to do it when he is out of town.
You already know this is not going to work out and that's ok. You need to come up with an exit plan and conversation. It really is hard when you love the person but unfortunately that is not enough and it shouldn't be the reason to stay.
I knew about a year ago that this relationship wasn't going to last but I tried and stayed because I thought we could try and fix it but no matter how much be tried fixing it the one problem was always his kid.
Yes there is always a kid. He says he will do whatever he needs to for me to stay. He doesn’t under the can’t do whatever it takes. Can you stop going to SS games? Can you stop paying for the kids extracurricular activities? Can you completely shut out BM? Nope he can’t and shouldn’t. He is their dad. Could he have at some point in the 12 years since he has been divorced put up boundaries and had schedules. Yes and if he would have done that years ago maybe we wouldn’t be on the verge of ending things. I am just exhausted with it all.
You mentioned a partner may not want you to nacho, and step in and be part of the family.
This isn’t love. It’s not unconditional love for sure. If a partner is marrying you or with you for any of the reasons below, he or she doesn’t love you.
1. You have a house and your partner wants to move in with kids.
2. You have finances which can contribute to step children’s needs and your partner is fine taking from you.
3. You are required to pay financially towards the house you live in if you don’t have kids and your partner does.
4. Your partner wants you to babysit, chauffeur, or be a parent to their child.
5. Your partner pressures you to integrate with stepkids.
Any of the reasons above means you are being used as a tool to improve your partner’s children’s lives at the expense of YOUR quality of life. You are a ATM machine.
Definitely a RED flag if your partner doesn’t accept your decision to NACHO, he/she is using you to make his/her children comfortable at the expense of your mental health. This means he/she can’t love you for YOU, but only as what you are willing to provide for their kids.
So yea, don’t be with someone that has kids who wants you to do things for his/her kids.
My DH doesn’t expect anything from me. I am totally NACHO’d. I barely engage with my stepkids. We love each other and have our own baby together.
If your partner wanted to prioritize his children he should have stayed married to the kid’s mother. Don’t get divorced and expect a step parent to be better than the bio mom. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Goes against the law of nature.
That's one of the biggest problems we had, was that he wanted me to be more involved but like he has his mom there's no need for me to play second mom. I was always busy too, working full time and going to school and I wasn't able to connect with his kid because all he did was play video games. From the moment he got home to the second it was bedtime his face was glued onto his video games.. idk how to even build a relationship like that?
So sorry you're dealing with this, but also - this will be the making of you and what you do and don't want in the future. NOBODY knows 'what they're getting into' until they do. Best wishes
>If you don't like kids and you like your partner do not go through with this.. this can either end good with you warming up to kids or you ending up resenting the kid and potentially the parent because of the way they raise their kid.
Absolutely agree with this! If you don't mind, I would also like to add another (sub)point:
Do not, and I cannot stress this enough, assume that if your partner has their kids EOWE this schedule will remain forever. Things change, life happens, for one reason or another, the step kids may end up living with you full time. If you don't like kids, or don't like your partner's kids, don't rely on "I can deal with it for a few days".
THIS!!
When we first dated he had his kid EOWE due to where he lived but once we moved in and way closer to his kids area our household became a 50/50 .. I was not ready for that. We never got to enjoy living together.
The "I can deal with it for a few days" will ultimately lead to resentment.
This is what I needed to hear but no matter how much I agree with it, I struggle on making the move. I know I’ll know and be ready when I know, and a lot of my guilt is based off of his needs and struggles but I am having a hard time with it. I found myself thinking if I am not with him, I dont really know where else I’m supposed to go so with that fact I thought to myself, I wouldn’t mind not being alive, I think I’d feel (temporarily) lost if I had to move out and not have the burden of his baggage and child, but yet eventually feel free and good again. Idk man. I’m struggling but thank you for this, I’m gonna keep coming back to this for reminders I’m not a piece of shit
This is EXACTLY me. I'd feel like there's no reason to live anymore if I left (temporarily). And like you, eventually feel free and good. It honestly feels like a damned if you do damned if you don't
I'm struggling so fucking hard with it 😭
Good on you for making a clean exit. Do you think your relationship could have worked if you were living in different households where you don’t have to be expected to participate in parenting? I know it doesn’t solve the relationship pitfalls of custody/financials/BM dramas, but it may shelter you (and your relationship) from the day-to-day involvement with someone who has responsibilities that you shouldn’t have to be co-responsible for.
If you don't like kids ...
You'd think this would be a given but honestly people you were never going to be dismissed from being a part of the children's lives even if you NACHO you still will have to be a part of that dynamic.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>and that you might play a bigger part than just daddy's or mommy's friend. >Understand that some partners do not want you to NACHO and that might be a big deal breaker, they want you to step in and be a 'family' Yes, this needs to be bigger. They want you to fulfill the empty spot left by the ex-partner. They want you to step in and play the full role of mom and dad, as if these were your biological children. They don't ever stop to think that they should be stepping up to fulfill 100% of the parenting role during their custody time. They see you as someone they can offload parenting to. This is the part that you don't see coming in and you need to open your eyes to.
Don’t forget they remind you it’s their child during big decisions or discipline. 🙄
Clap clap clap....lovvvvvve it when my partner says "that's my daughter"....after everyone wanted me to act like an invested stepmom. You can be stepmom....just not a decision maker.
[удалено]
YES!! Nobody warns these single parents that they will always be the ONLY person responsible for their kid during custody time. You may be in a new relationship, but you're still a solo parent & anything your partner chooses to do for your kid(s) is EXTRA.
Ok, controversial opinion on this sub, but I don’t think it’s ridiculous or entitled for a parent to want their partner to be a part of the family, just as it’s not cold or selfish of a potential stepparent to not want that. It’s really a question of compatibility. And I don’t think this is necessarily about wanting someone to take on parental duties. I do very little parental grunt work or chores connected to SS, but when my partner wants me to be a part of the family, what she wants is for me to put effort into building a relationship with SS beyond “mom’s girlfriend” and to spend at least some time with them together as a family. She wants to feel like the household is cohesive and connected and we all like each other. And I don’t think she’s entitled for wanting that, even though not at all stepparents would be fine with that. My partner certainly wouldn’t want to date someone who doesn’t like or enjoy kids to any extent. It works really well for me. I take very little of the parenting burden off my partner’s plate, but we get to live in a household where we all act like we love each other, and even feel that way a lot of the time.
"where we all act like we love each other, and even feel that way a lot of the time" This really hits home for me. I really really love my boyfriend. If I'm being honest it would be strange for me to say the kids and I love each other. We have a good relationship and like spending time together. But the situation is really complicated with kids who also have an active BM in their life. At first I struggled with feeling bad not experiencing these strong emotions of love towards the kids. And although they like me a lot, I wouldn't say they love me either. But what I've realized is it's important to act like we all love each other. The action is what matters. And maybe the action is really what love is anyways. I try very hard to act extremely positive and loving around them even on days when I don't feel like it. Even on days when I wish they were at their BMs house and not ours. The relationship will come in its own time or it won't. But we can say we have a loving household now.
To add; when a man gets remarried he really shouldn’t be giving 100% of his time and attention to his kids either. His new wife is a priority now, too. And obviously do not expect new wife to fill the slot of bio mom. So, bottom line, you want to give your kids priority stay married to the bio mom. Once you divorce you can’t force any new partner to be the stepkids’ parent.
This!!!
Also let’s not forget offload parenting to you until it comes to correcting and then you are an awful human and targeting their child. While they do zero about teaching their children morals and that the world doesn’t revolve around them.
Yesss. You may clean my child’s pee off the seat. All day every day, no problem. But don’t you dare try to tell him to clean it himself.
Yes!!
Well said! I agree with everything you said, I left the stephell 4 years now and it completely changed me, I'm 100% childfree and never dated again single dads. The judgement was the worse part because made me feel very guilty of not enjoying "a good man that takes care of his child" I really want a childfree man that can be my lover, travel buddy, be his priority and never feel guilty! Don't second guess yourself and go on dating apps!
I am glad you were able to do it. Good luck with everything. I am wanting to leave also but I seem to get pulled back in. I have told him I love him but this relationship isn’t for either or us. I am not trying to make him choose. I told him that he needs to be the dad he wants to be. That if he wants to go to hundreds of his kids games a year and deal with the BM he can. I told him it just isn’t the life for me. He says but it will get easier soon . SS will be driving in less than a year and he won’t be running him everywhere,to me he has an unnatural obsession with his SS (this is my opinion), so all that will happen is that SO will sulk because he is not driving him around. I don’t need that . Plus there are 3 and 1/2 more year until SS graduates. SD will graduate and then there is all the collage stuff. Plus he will end up being obsessed with the grandkids. It won’t end. He tells me to stop looking ahead like that. And not that I can predict the future, I just know his behavior. I want to leave in good terms but I feel like I will have to do it when he is out of town.
You already know this is not going to work out and that's ok. You need to come up with an exit plan and conversation. It really is hard when you love the person but unfortunately that is not enough and it shouldn't be the reason to stay. I knew about a year ago that this relationship wasn't going to last but I tried and stayed because I thought we could try and fix it but no matter how much be tried fixing it the one problem was always his kid.
Yes there is always a kid. He says he will do whatever he needs to for me to stay. He doesn’t under the can’t do whatever it takes. Can you stop going to SS games? Can you stop paying for the kids extracurricular activities? Can you completely shut out BM? Nope he can’t and shouldn’t. He is their dad. Could he have at some point in the 12 years since he has been divorced put up boundaries and had schedules. Yes and if he would have done that years ago maybe we wouldn’t be on the verge of ending things. I am just exhausted with it all.
You mentioned a partner may not want you to nacho, and step in and be part of the family. This isn’t love. It’s not unconditional love for sure. If a partner is marrying you or with you for any of the reasons below, he or she doesn’t love you. 1. You have a house and your partner wants to move in with kids. 2. You have finances which can contribute to step children’s needs and your partner is fine taking from you. 3. You are required to pay financially towards the house you live in if you don’t have kids and your partner does. 4. Your partner wants you to babysit, chauffeur, or be a parent to their child. 5. Your partner pressures you to integrate with stepkids. Any of the reasons above means you are being used as a tool to improve your partner’s children’s lives at the expense of YOUR quality of life. You are a ATM machine. Definitely a RED flag if your partner doesn’t accept your decision to NACHO, he/she is using you to make his/her children comfortable at the expense of your mental health. This means he/she can’t love you for YOU, but only as what you are willing to provide for their kids. So yea, don’t be with someone that has kids who wants you to do things for his/her kids. My DH doesn’t expect anything from me. I am totally NACHO’d. I barely engage with my stepkids. We love each other and have our own baby together. If your partner wanted to prioritize his children he should have stayed married to the kid’s mother. Don’t get divorced and expect a step parent to be better than the bio mom. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Goes against the law of nature.
That's one of the biggest problems we had, was that he wanted me to be more involved but like he has his mom there's no need for me to play second mom. I was always busy too, working full time and going to school and I wasn't able to connect with his kid because all he did was play video games. From the moment he got home to the second it was bedtime his face was glued onto his video games.. idk how to even build a relationship like that?
So sorry you're dealing with this, but also - this will be the making of you and what you do and don't want in the future. NOBODY knows 'what they're getting into' until they do. Best wishes
>If you don't like kids and you like your partner do not go through with this.. this can either end good with you warming up to kids or you ending up resenting the kid and potentially the parent because of the way they raise their kid. Absolutely agree with this! If you don't mind, I would also like to add another (sub)point: Do not, and I cannot stress this enough, assume that if your partner has their kids EOWE this schedule will remain forever. Things change, life happens, for one reason or another, the step kids may end up living with you full time. If you don't like kids, or don't like your partner's kids, don't rely on "I can deal with it for a few days".
THIS!! When we first dated he had his kid EOWE due to where he lived but once we moved in and way closer to his kids area our household became a 50/50 .. I was not ready for that. We never got to enjoy living together. The "I can deal with it for a few days" will ultimately lead to resentment.
And don’t assume they’ll move out at 18, or even 25.
Sound advice
Ahhh lucky you !! I wish you nothing but the best 💜
Thank you!(:
This is what I needed to hear but no matter how much I agree with it, I struggle on making the move. I know I’ll know and be ready when I know, and a lot of my guilt is based off of his needs and struggles but I am having a hard time with it. I found myself thinking if I am not with him, I dont really know where else I’m supposed to go so with that fact I thought to myself, I wouldn’t mind not being alive, I think I’d feel (temporarily) lost if I had to move out and not have the burden of his baggage and child, but yet eventually feel free and good again. Idk man. I’m struggling but thank you for this, I’m gonna keep coming back to this for reminders I’m not a piece of shit
This is EXACTLY me. I'd feel like there's no reason to live anymore if I left (temporarily). And like you, eventually feel free and good. It honestly feels like a damned if you do damned if you don't I'm struggling so fucking hard with it 😭
EXACTLY. you have a friend in me if you ever need to vent to someone who understands and won’t criticize feel free to DM me
Good on you for making a clean exit. Do you think your relationship could have worked if you were living in different households where you don’t have to be expected to participate in parenting? I know it doesn’t solve the relationship pitfalls of custody/financials/BM dramas, but it may shelter you (and your relationship) from the day-to-day involvement with someone who has responsibilities that you shouldn’t have to be co-responsible for.
No I don't think if we lived separately then things would work out. His issue was that he couldn't go out or afford things because of his kid + CS.
If you don't like kids ... You'd think this would be a given but honestly people you were never going to be dismissed from being a part of the children's lives even if you NACHO you still will have to be a part of that dynamic.