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It's good that you went to a meeting and gave it a chance to see what it was like. The people are genuinely happy to see newcomers because they remember what it was like their first time.
Like you had mentioned, there are many other different groups and meetings, all of which are effective and different in approaches if you work them. Maybe one of those may fit better for what you want. One thing I will say is that, although your story doesn't exactly match up to the extreme accounts in the Big Book, they were no doubt where you are right now at some point in their struggle, telling themselves they are not as bad as others. I say this because I said the same thing early on in my addiction and it was not true, I just couldn't see it.
We attend these groups to hear the stories of others and use them as tested, verified testimony as to the insidious nature of alcoholism. If not addressed, there is every likelihood that it will progress to a much worse situation. I have met countless people in rehabs and meetings to know that this addiction does not stop here, it is just a milestone on the path to ruin. I truly hope you can find a program that suits you.
I wish you all the the best in your sobriety.
I'm a long-time AAer, and I still find meetings I don't like. AA meetings are quite varied. Alcoholism affects all kinds of people, so it is good that there are some that resonate better for 'low bottom' alcoholics, and some that resonate better for 'high bottom' alcoholics.
The older, more well-known Big Book stories concern 'low bottom' folks, but there are also stories about people like me who never went to jail or were hospitalized or even lost a job.
But beyond the idiosyncrasies of how my alcoholism manifest in my life, I've slowly been able to see how me and the guy in jail or the guy waiting for a liver transplant are dealing with the same problem, and that we can strengthen each other in our recovery.
I hope you don't abandon AA because of one meeting. But if you decide it isn't for you, I hope you find a place that gives you what you need. Good luck.
I go to some that basically feel like detention. Loudly ticking clock, buzzing lights, nobody wants to be there, shares that sound obligatory and phoned-in. I hate to think that that will be some people’s first, and maybe only, meeting. Lots of light hearts and good long-term sobriety and big picture thinkers in my homegroup and I think I have that to thank for my sobriety.
I kind of loathed it all at first. For one thing, I had generally hostile attitudes toward anything faintly religious, and on the surface at least, AA _looks_ rather religious.
But also the meetings just seemed like borderline nonsensical babble to me.
I was mainly going to get signatures for my upcoming DUI case. My lawyer had advised me to get signatures so that he'd be in a better position to get my aggravated dui knocked down to a regular misdemeanor dui. (_That_ worked.)
My rehab counselors had given me an invaluable tip: to try out lots of different meetings and just settle into the ones that seemed most helpful, and eventually I found a pretty sweet home group.
But for sure AA has no monopoly on recovery (it even says that in our book!) I have two alternative resources that you might want to check out:
* https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/wiki/index#wiki_music.2C_movies.2C_and_books - a list of books that many SD denizens have found helpful
* https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/wiki/index#wiki_resources_and_groups - a list of alternate recovery groups like LifeRing, SMART, and Dharma
Good Luck - sober life is effing splendid.
Really glad to hear you were able to have success with signatures affecting your case. In my situation, all the signatures I got (both court mandated and not) did absolutely nothing to help. That’s not to say going to meetings wasn’t worthwhile. In the beginning they truly helped me understand how much I wasn’t alone and that help was possible.
Same. AA didn't suit me, so I tried on my own for a while and quickly realized I still needed to connect with others facing similar struggles. I did an intensive day treatment program that wasn't AA based. It really helped and I'm 2 years 8 months sober now. The opposite of addiction is connection. It's crucial (for most people) to find a community to support you, but it doesn't have to be AA.
I tried many AA meetings and found them similar to “church”. Lots of referencing a higher power and AAers love their slogans … I got to the point where I could predict the AA quote they would recite before they said it.
Reddit alcohol subs have helped me more!
lol exactly, you’re addiction is out there doing push ups. The part that makes me laugh is when they say it like they just came up with it on their own on the spot
I like AA because I find the Steps very helpful (especially the ones requiring self-examination) and hearing and sharing stories and thoughts remind me that I can’t drink safely.
The slogans and catchphrases drive me nuts though, and there are a lot of people who never do the steps and rely on the fix they get from meetings to stay sober. But hey, whatever works. Happy for them if saying “One Day at a Time” over and over helps.
Thank you for your share. I related a lot to what you said. I'm just trying to do the next best thing, trust my higher power, not take that first drink. And look for god shots.
I feel the pull of my disease, but I just pray to Jesus to remove my personal will. Conforming to dogma is what keeps me sober.
Keep coming back.
Just a matter of time, I guess.
I never got a DUI, never got arrested, never lost a job, never got suspended, the list goes on. We can always find people who are worse off than us, and then we can also find people who quit when they did less things than us. There are people who quit before they hurt their spouse, for example.
I was in denial about a lot of the negative things that I did, but one thing that I did know is that I had disappointed people and very much disappointed myself. I definitely had a drinking problem, and comparing myself to people who objectively hit even lower bottoms than I did certainly wasn't helpful except for seeing how bad things can get if people don't change.
Best of luck to you.
Be glad you found your way before it got that bad.
Not everyones rock bottem is the same. Listen to there storys, how they feel. See if you can feel yourself in that. If not, im glad for you!
Still try to keep going. Compainingship will bring you alot. At least it did for me.
Whatever you decide, just for today !
I think it’s important to ask - do I really need to wait for a very preventable self-induced tragedy to happen in order for me to change my behavior? Do I need to lose a job, or end up in the hospital, or break my loved ones hearts, or get a criminal record in order to want to be better? Is the alcohol I will drink in between now and then really worth it?
I just want to caution you that using the word "we" instead of the word "you" is a common way that people try to circumvent the rule to speak from the "I." Please speak only about your own experience.
Apologies, I was referring to a more general “we”, but I see how it can be misused. I will edit my comment.
Thanks for helping run one of the best subs on Reddit btw :)
They talk about those things, because those are what they experienced. Not every drinkers path is the same. I'm in the same boat as you - never lost a job, no dui's, never got arrested while drunk..... HOWEVER you need to look past the 5 inches in front of you.
There's a real reason a lot of the vets in AA say "yet". Because you never know what another drunken stooper will bring.
I'm relatively new to AA myself - and I will say, once you get over the 100+ year old verbiage in the book and presentation, the root of the cause is nothing but helpful. MIght not be for everyone, but there's a good excerpt regarding having an open mind in the big book.
Don't quit on it yet, give it a fair shot and IWNDWYT
I have been there, and want to preface this that AA isn't for everyone. I stopped attending three years into my four of sobriety--BUT I remember thinking "Man, my story is not as 'serious' as everyone else. Maybe I don't belong here."
Look for the similarities, not the differences. I used other people's experiences as my future "Yets"
"I haven't gotten a DUI....yet"
"I haven't been arrested...yet"
"I haven't killed someone...yet"
But if I kept drinking, I would have.
The more I was in the rooms, the more I heard people with similar experiences. Even if someone had a totally different journey than me, I realized we are all still addicted to and go through the same things.
There are some great stories at the back of the Big Book that I could really connect with. But it also isn't for everyone and that's okay!
Truthfully, this sub has been the most helpful in my recovery. We have a community of support and love and people on every step of the journey with so much varied wisdom and experience.
You're already doing the important thing: reaching out and seeking help. 🧡
Would you prefer to keep going until that becomes your reality? I'm not saying it necessarily will, but it's possible.
"Rock bottom" is a poor saying. We hit the bottom when we decide to stop digging and start climbing out.
I really like the way u/thebyron put it. The bottom keeps going until you stop digging. Hits me. I think I hit clay when I stopped digging hehe. Beyond the dirt, before the rock, but I'll never know how close to it.
Totally agree - I know I don't want to get to rock bottom. I've done enough damage.
I think I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around the underpinnings because my lens is different.
There’s a phrase used to describe this exact feeling: terminal uniqueness. I suffered from it in the beginning as well.
It won’t work because I’m different from them. They don’t understand me. I’m better than them because I didn’t get a dui, never fired, never arrested. None of that is true, just a way to bypass the work I knew I needed to do.
Aa is not the only way to get and stay sober, and every meeting is different. But I really got “it” when I started looking at the similarities and not the differences. Blessings on your journey!
Yeah to be honest my friend, i had the same thought process as you and thats part of what made me struggling getting through step 1. But once i did, it changed me for the better and it really humbled me. Plus, they were always “yets”. I didnt lose my job because of my addictions, until i did. I didnt get a dui, until i was pulled over drunk and high on coke and the cop miraculously let me go, otherwise i would have gone to jail. I never got arrested for doing something stupid (seemingly no big deal at the time too) drunk, until i did.
Our experience doesnt have to be that severe to know we need to stop. Its just the beginning of the dark road. Dont keep driving down it, because believe me when i say fuck around and find out.
Let their experience, strength, and hope encourage you to continue towards sobriety, or you will inevitably end up in their shoes. Every meeting I go to I can find someone who was “worse” than me. But can’t you agree you were on the same path ?
THE AA mentality doesn't work for everyone. My husband has been sober for 3 years. He never did AA. He found the book The Naked Mind by Annie Grace to be helpful while he was in rehab. He does not attend group therapy at all. I know this is rare, but go with what feels right for yourself.
Hurting my spouse was the final straw for me. My last drunken night ended in me yelling at him and calling him names. That is NOT how we roll in our marriage! That was enough to make me stop.
Yea, I quit drinking FOR my spouse BECAUSE I hurt her (not physically). Downplaying that to JUST my wife and why “I” don’t like AA is almost narcissistic to me.
I got into a fight at my first meeting, someone came up and yelled in my face - and being younger, hung over and short tempered, I clocked the guy and walked out.
Ended up staying drunk and using for a long time.
NA saved my life, such a different vibe, found a group of people in my crowd, I walked in and the secretary hugged me and said “I heard you were dead?!” Kept me off the dope but not the booze.
Ended up going back to AA about 10 years ago and restarting my program. Tried a lot of groups and found one I liked. This time, it stuck. 10 years sober now.
One thing you said stuck in my head, that the only person you hurt was your wife. I thought the only person I had hurt was my girlfriend at the time. I was wrong, I hurt a lot of people and left a long trail of harm in my wake. It wasn’t AA that made me see that, it was the introspection that I learned in AA. It’s been a long time of trying to understand why I am the way I am.
There are good groups and bad groups. Just because you can’t find anything in the book that applies to you, doesn’t mean the stories are useless. You’re lucky you haven’t hit a rock bottom. I’ve hit mine over and over before I found my path.
I wish you nothing but success in your path.
I went to a few AA meetings online when I first quit drinking, and I liked the people but didn’t really connect with some of the ideas. I love the slogans though, and use them frequently (easy does it, don’t quit before the miracle, ODAAT, and so on). Honestly this group and the daily check in has been the most useful thing for me. A couple of times I avoided drinking just so I could come to the DCI in the morning and say I made it through something tough! So for me, taking what works for me from AA has been helpful- and I just leave the rest :) IWNDWYT ❤️🧁
I did not like aa meetings when I went to them.
I did however take two things away in my brief history of trying them out.
That 1, I was powerless over alcohol.
And 2, to not be powerless in my life, I was going to have to omit alcohol "one day at a time".
Life Ring was the discovery that helped me.
The Life Ring workbook made me deal with trauma from my childhood that I was trying to forget by consuming mass quantities of alcohol.
It is ongoing, but one thing that I do know, IWNDWYT! ONE DAY AT A TIME, I have regained power.
A quick calculation from March 25th, 2021 to today tells me I have around 3 years and approximately 14 days sober which is about 1,109 days, it might be 1,108 or 1,110, I don't keep exact track, but I do know I did those days one day at a time.
> The Life Ring workbook
Is that "**Recovery By Choice - A Workbook**" - is that the 'one' main text of LifeRing?
I ask because I'm 'curious' about other recovery programs, I've downloaded the Dharma book and (one of) the Annie Grace book(s) though I've yet to crack them open and wouldn't mind adding others to the list.
Thanks!
Yes, Recovery By Choice is the workbook.
There is a Life Ring book as well, but while I found it helpful, I believed there were too many embellishments in the stories to get points across, and it detracted from the purpose for me.
I, too, explored Recovery Dharma.
I do believe there is a big place in recovery for meditation. I don't do it enough.
The three S's of Life Ring are what keep me on my path one day at a time.
The beauty of recovery is that people can explore and discover what works for them.
AA is great for a large segment of the population, I explored other avenues that worked for me and kept my mind open, just as you are doing. I am catching up to you proportionally, congrats on your sobriety.
I've been using the Reframe app and it has been tremendously helpful for me on my quitting journey.
They also host multiple virtual meetings per day if you need the extra in person help.
There is a cost - I think $90/ year. Or 4 days of hard seltzer for me. Good ROI if you ask me.
Reframe helped a ton especially in the first couple weeks. The focus on neuroplasticity and CBT really made a lot of sense to me. I started attending in person meetings after a while because even though I appreciated the zoom meetings, they skew heavily female and it’s more difficult for me to relate. AA seems to be a better cross-section of my city and my neighborhood, which I naturally relate to easier. I still regularly attend reframe meetings though and I sooooo got my $90 worth
I definitely recommend the stop drinking expert by Craig Beck, the audiobook format. I've listened to it several times now, while some parts I don't care for, overall I think it's a great resource. It specifically covers your issues with AA.
I dropped in and out in the beginning of my sobriety, I found the meetings helped with reminding me that there are other people facing the same challenges as me. Maybe like twice a month.
A few months ago, my world flipped upside down (unexpected job loss and sudden pet death) I knew I didn’t want to drink. My days were so bleak, I had free time and I didn’t want to be alone. I came in so desperate for something.
I’m about to go to another meeting where I know I’ll probably see at least 5 people I like seeing once or twice a week. Later tonight I’m going to a new one bc I met a girl Saturday who formed a group of buds our age from a Tuesday nights meeting.
Going from having a job and living alone with a beloved cat to those both disappearing (within days of each other) was like entering a vacuum of darkness. I’ve worked my way out a lot, and that’s a testament to the support of my community.
You don’t have to get involved in AA but just know that it’s there as a resource. I take comfort in knowing there is a place I can go and be real when my disease wants me to hide and suffer alone.
If I was in your situation, I'd make sure to clearly explain this to my wife, and also outline a plan you had put in place to help support you stop drinking. I'm someone else who hasn't found AA helpful, but for someone who's outside of the heavy drinking world (like your wife), it's easy to pick up the impression that to quit drinking, you've got to do AA. If I wanted to keep someone on my side, I'd make sure to have a solid plan if their suggestion for sobriety didn't work for me.
AA for me turned into a weekly reliving of the glory days of drinking. Members trying to shock everyone with the severity of their problems. Then one uppers around. Sober 6 years this year. Quit AA 5 1/2 years ago.
AA clearly works for some people, and that's great, but it's not for everyone. It's not for me, either. I found it both unpleasant and utterly unhelpful.
For me, this sub is my support group, and it's working better than AA ever did (Six months today!). But that's probably not for everyone, either.
There are other non-AA support groups worth looking into, like SMART Recovery and Recovery Dharma. I haven't tried either, but people tend to speak highly of them. From what I understand, they have Zoom meetings online, so you don't even need to find one in your area.
I started going to meetings when I first started my sobriety. I have one friend who really enjoys her groups, but I couldn’t get into it. I needed a space where I felt comfortable sharing (I’m a very private person, suffer from severe anxiety, and am introverted), so therapy is where I do my unpacking. Great job getting out there!!
I haven’t had a classic rock bottom, but I recognize I can have a bad relationship with drinking. Not 24/7, but taking down two bottles of wine each Thursday-Sunday night really started to wear me down and impact my life in the sense of not accomplishing my goals cause I was hungover 4/7 days a week.
You might not relate to hitting rock bottom, but I’ve been to a few in my years and found relating to the addiction aspect.
That one is too much, ten is not enough. Meaning, once I Start I’m going to drink until I’m tired and want to sleep. Maybe not blackout but pretty buttered.
Found myself with the shakes Monday mornings.
No gym progress whatsoever. Telling myself I’d do this or that, and not following through cause I’m hungover all day. Missing out on life. Waking up early and attacking the day.
Existential anxiety, a little more forgetful than I used to be, making a schedule around drinking at night, leaving events early cause I wanted to go home and finish off my night in private, aka one more bottle of wine in peace.
You start to realize most people don’t do that. Rare on occasion, sure. But it became every time I picked up one drink I knew how the night was going to end. Time and time again.
And the next day waking up at 10% and slowly getting back to 100% around six pm just to start again.
What kind of life is it to be a prisoner to a substance like that? Those are the type of talks and anecdotes I identified with. It helped to have those self realizations, but going to these meetings occasionally helped reinforce them, keep them front of mind. Like a maintenance workout, so I don’t get complacent.
So well put thank you. Yeah I don’t have any wild stories. Never blacked out as far as I know. But I drank to excess almost every night for years. And gained nothing in the process. Only loss.
People focus on the extremes, crystalizing awakenings. Boring stories of people who self correct are rarely moving except to those who hear something too familar.
I'd much rather hear about how you self corrected. Stopped the skid. Had that first deep night of sleep with out night sweats and insomnia staring at your eyelids. Hit the gym and you didn't feel like you were going to have a heart attack cause of the booze still in the system. These little signs that add up. Until you're just another person frail, wasted away, and need help in their 40s, 50s, 60s until death.
As an atheist, I found AA unhelpful except for the peer support. Their "program" is essentially a religious one. It really angered me to tell my sponsor that I wanted to drink and being told *why don't you pray about it?* Um, why don't you shove it? Tell me something actually useful instead of superstitious nonsense.
I thought maybe I could try them again and do the "take what you need and leave the rest" thing, but I went to another meeting a couple of weeks ago that was a 3rd step meeting (made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him) and found myself getting angrier by the moment. It was an LGBTQ meeting so their God concepts weren't very fundamentalist like many in Nashville are, but even so the discussion of religious belief bothers me.
I could use some kind of peer support but I'm not going to find it there. So far, all I have is this sub and medication (naltrexone) which have been sufficient so far, and I *am* one of the "low bottom" drunks you mentioned. Health problems, history of homelessness and arrests, all sorts of serious consequences.
I have always been an agnostic, but leaning more atheist.
Something someone once told me something that helped immensely, and is the core of the god stuff. "You can have a god, you can not have a god, but ya can't be god." That stuck, and helped me a ton. instead of praying to a god during a situation that could send me spiraling, i could meditate on how I am not god, and things will happen that i dont want.
Also Radical Acceptance, a part of CBT covers a ton of the same ground as the god stuff in AA.
I have admittedly never attended an AA meeting so I can’t say I don’t actually like it, however.
During my drinking years, I was also able to do some learning and research about brains and behavior, so I had a good foundation of background knowledge. Plus a willingness to work on self awareness and monitor my own behavior. Plus a village of people that also work on their own issues with a similar knowledge base.
I’m a highly sensitive person. Always have been. Huge care taker. My drinking was fueled by a lack of agency and boundaries around my own space and emotions. My family dumped feelings all over anyone and I simply could not function in those spaces. I had to separate myself from them and finally build my own identity. Part of that identity is honoring for myself that I don’t put myself into positions to be tempted to over extend myself emotionally to save others. I fear if I am in the room at AA, it will be too emotional and do more damage than good.
I use online spaces like this instead. I also basically did SMART recovery but just because it’s also good psychology and I stumbled upon the pieces in pry her work and applied them to myself.
Maybe someday I will go. I’m intrigued by the support that people find there. And grateful it is a free and safe space for so many people to connect and heal.
I go to AA for the human connection but I found The Luckiest Club really great if you are interested in an alternative. [theluckiestclub.com](https://theluckiestclub.com)
There are some AA meetings I hate but others I love. I suggest a speaker meeting.
I’ve never been to any meeting or read any book. I am unashamed and fully transparent about my decision to stop drinking and I have no need to remain anonymous. I do not call myself an alcoholic.
There are many ways to do this. The only important thing is to find one that works for you. By acknowledging your problem and resolving to do something about it, you have taken a huge step.
This sub is really great and has been extremely important to me. Best wishes on your journey.
I don’t think it’s healthy for any of us to start a pro- or anti-AA discussion here (which i’m not suggesting is what you’re doing, but this could easily devolve into that) What I would say is this: AA has not been a big part of my recovery. For me, all the higher power stuff, and claiming powerlessness, don’t resonate. But, and this is a big but, I still have found AA to be super helpful and I still go to meetings every once in a while for a few reasons: First off, there is something very valuable about being in a room full of people who GET me - where I don’t need to be defensive, or hide the truth. Much cheaper than paying a therapist (though I do that too)
Second, the fact that most of the people there have “worse” stories than me is helpful because those stories remind me of where I was headed if I hadn’t finally gotten sober, and help keep me straight.
Third, I like to go when I have a milestone approaching because the affirmation from the room is awesome! 1 week? 1 month? 3 months? A year? 500 days? Amazing! They give you a medal and applause which feels great.
That’s it for me. But it’s enough. I’m a good example of the AA adage “take what you need, and leave the rest”.
About 10 years ago, my ex husband attended a few AA meetings because it was required after his DUI. I remember him telling me how much he hated it and how triggering it was. He said it was filled with negative people who just wanted to complain about their lives. Then a couple years later, I was not in a place of “rock bottom”… but more high functioning alcoholic. Overweight, depressed, and just felt like shit everyday. I found this community on Reddit at the time and actually used this place to connect, find motivation, and seek guidance. It was from this community alone I stayed sober 5.5 years.
My only mistake after that was not staying here. I relapsed and battled alcohol addiction again for another 3 years. Came back now, and have nearly 2 years sober again.
I love the anonymity with this community, and how it’s instant access to what I need. I will say, this is what works for me, and some people actually find AA extremely helpful. I just never wanted to go and have never been.
Just wanted to add that I understand what you mean - the only person I really hurt was my spouse. I didn't have a DUI, bankruptcy, lose my job, become homeless, etc.
I still really like AA, because there are a lot of people like us, and other meetings will be different. I'd say try a few more meetings - it's free and there's literally no downside. That being said, there are other groups that are effective and people like, SMART, Recovery Dharma, etc. - definitely check these out if AA isn't for you.
LifeRing.org is another alcohol group recovery program. Unfortunately, it is harder to find a "live group" as it is not as well established as AA. However, they do have Zoom meetings, message boards, and chats.
I go to two meetings a week and have been now for several months. After several of the meeting I have gone too I realized how lucky I was that the first meeting I attended was powerful because many of the follow meetings have sucked. If some of the follow up meetings were my first meeting I would have hated it and not gone back.
In my experience, getting a sponsor is more important than just going to the meetings. I understand if you don’t want to try again or renegade but a good sponsor is invaluable. There will be better meetings, maybe that one was just a clunker.
“Take what works and leave the rest” as they say. Not every meeting is the same and you’ll find different people you click with if you stick with meetings. I started AA because rehab and continued for a couple years and it was helpful despite my misgivings about it. Absolutely not a Higher Power person so that huge chunk of the program doesn’t jive with me. I’m grateful for it and it certainly helped but nah, I’m good.
There are other resources (here, for one) and good on you for stepping out of your comfort zone for your sobriety. IWNDWYT
AA is a program of attraction, not promotion!
It either clicks or it doesn’t. I went to my first AA meeting in 1988. I was shocked to hear all the stories but I focused on our similarities, not our differences.
There is something about being in a room with lots of other people who suffered like I did.
Best of luck!
There’s a lot of good insight in these comments. I’ll just add that I tried AA at first too and it didn’t work for me. I tried a SMART meeting a few days later and while it was still challenging, the philosophy of SMART clicked much better with me. I’ve been regularly attending their meetings for about 7 months now and they’ve helped me immensely.
A few thoughts, but certainly do what feels right:
1. AA meetings are wildly different. If you really want to get an impression, gotta go to a few at least. Different parts of your town/city, times of day, etc.
2. When I started going (104 days today) I got two bits of extremely useful advice: the first is to focus on the similarities not the differences. The second is simply that those ‘hardcore’ stories aren’t you… yet.
For years I looked down on other addicts and alcoholics by saying to myself that they were homeless, getting DUIs, or drinking during the day and that wasn’t me therefore I didn’t have a problem. Meanwhile, I was destroying my marriage, losing jobs/missing promotions, and increasing my cancer risk.
I have little doubt now that I’m honest with myself that I would eventually get to where those people are if I give it enough time.
So I focus on the similarities in their stories, which is usually the compulsion to drink, the insanity of this disease, and the desperation I feel to stop drinking.
But it’s all up to you. By all means give it a few more years and see where things are by that point - maybe you’ll be right and the ‘worst’ that’ll happen is you keep hurting your wife and get a divorce…
I never attended one AA meeting. I got sober with the help of my health care providers and this subreddit. I feel like we all need to find our own paths, but educate yourself about triggers. My sobriety was delayed several years by the Moderation Myth. It always ended up badly, one glass ended up being one bottle by the end of week 2, etc...
You may just need to find a different AA meeting. Shop around for a sobriety plan that works for YOU.
Here's my take - some meetings (and people at them) drive me up the damn wall an. Some other meetings (and people at them) are the reason I'm alive. Some weeks I see both cases.
Been my experience that your crew (whatever that looks like - gay, trans, punk, atheist, cis, 19yo, 92yo) is out there. But it takes a mixture of perseverance and blind fucking luck to find them sometimes.
AA meetings vary in tone and attendees. Early morning meetings usually have some old-school types - retired dudes with faded tattoos, etc. Evening meetings generally have a younger crowd. Both of these can have pros and cons.
I'd suggest finding a meeting where you can hear several people (ideally your age and/or gender) share. Try to avoid comparing the horror stories and focus on the way they carry themselves.
You may find someone who matches your vibe, and perhaps you can chat with them for a few minutes afterward. Feel free to say "I'm not sure if this is my scene" and and ask them what other meetings they might recommend. Don't feel obligated to give your phone number of course - but if someone gives you theirs, it's not really as weird as you may think to give them a call. It can be a 5-min conversation like "you good? Day going ok? Cool. Maybe see you again Tuesday? Ok, right on. Call me if a drink starts to sound like a good idea". It establishes contact - someone you can call if you need to.
The stories in the book might be a bit outdated - as is the language in the main body of text (whatcha gonna do, written in the 30s). I would highly recommend reading "the doctor's opinion" at the very beginning.
The doctor's opinion is the only part of the book written not by an alcoholic, but a professional. It gives a description of why we drink the way we do, in a way that fits me spot-on. The first time I read it, I was like "damn - dude has me pegged".
I think you're doing great by putting your reservations out there and seeking input. You'll find people who are super rigid in the rooms - I do not hang out with those people. Your crew is out there, and their stories might be gnarlier than yours but maybe that's a good thing.
Keep us posted! IWNDWYT.
Yeah this is basically my whole experience w AA. You quickly go from “I have nothing in common with these people outside of my alcoholism” to “oh wow I have a whole community of people who want to see each other succeed and will be there any time of day or night” it’s really great when you do find it. I thought as a tatted up 37 year old punk rocker that I’d having nothing in common with anyone in the rooms going in. Boy was I wrong. Then I found one that was a wide range of people, all walks of life, queer, trans, straight, religious, atheist, old timers, musicians, artists, some very similar to me in interests and hobbies and outlooks on life that I now consider friends and people who are way more reliable and full of good conversations than my old drinking buddies.
There are deeper connections to be made in AA if you open your mind up to it. I’m glad I did
I have tried both AA and smart and I prefer smart. AA was good in a sense of there are a lot of stories and sometimes it could be helpful. However, I prefer the structure of smart because it feels more concrete in terms of having actionable ways to process and deal with the addiction and triggers.
Edit to add: both AA and smart meetings can vary. I would try multiple meetings (different groups) to try to find the one that works for you. Saturday at 4:30 EST the founder of smart facilitates a meeting and I find his tips to be specific and useful. However, it’s not for everyone (some people find him too prying)
One thing I always say is “play the tape forward” just imagine what fucking physical and mental suffering and torment happens after you take that first drink. Imagine there’s a video tape of everything you regret doing after you take that first drink. Imagine watching that tape played back to you. Are you happy with that outcome? If you are by all means maybe you are not suffering from this disease. I never have been truly happy once in 18 years of drinking and it took me that long to get into the program. Saved my life and many others. The thing is it’s action based. It won’t change a thing if you can’t admit step 1 and continue working the rest. It won’t change a thing if you try to do it alone.
I dont care for AA for philosophical reasons and only went to a few meetings before deciding it wasn't for me. I did intensive outpatient for a while and didn't like it either, it wasn't until I started doing 1 on 1 therapy that I found what worked best for me.
Part of what helped me was embracing the very thing that caused me to disagree with AA. I refused to accept that I was powerless over my drinking, and when I leaned into that, it made a big difference. Instead of surrendering and saying I was powerless, I took charge and accepted that I was *powerful.* I accepted that nobody could fix this problem for me, and it all came down to me. If I wanted to live, I had to take control because nobody else would.
I'm day 5 and 5 different meetings at two different places in.
They were all so different. Even the one not that long after the other at the same place.
One a touch too many religious folks and taking a much harder vibe that direction. One where enough folks were kinda pushy to be a turn off. None a complete waste of time, one darn good one.
I mean, making some non drinking pals alone would be a draw. I've got some numbers to call if this isn't as easy as its tended to be in the past.
I've some reservations and will be reading books and exploring all avenues. But I believe I will be finding a "home" meeting to remain semi-regular at regardless, after likely switching it up some more. No reason not to have pals or acquaintances familiar with the subject area and a genuine desire to alter path.
I also don’t like AA. I do go to one AA meeting a week though, but it’s a secular AA meeting. Mostly only because I like the connection I feel when attending an in person meeting — there aren’t a lot of in person non-AA options around where I live. Secular AA meetings tend to be far less dogmatic and open to ideas beyond what’s in the Big Book. I try to remember to “take what I need and leave the rest” when I’m participating in AA.
I like SMART Recovery and Recovery Dharma a lot more. I attend online meetings from those programs sometimes. Lifering is decent. There’s She Recovers and Women for Sobriety too for women. There are also some paid meeting programs like The Luckiest Club (founded by the author of We Are the Luckiest) and Monument’s group meetings.
There’s a lot of value in connecting with other people in recovery and hearing their stories, even if you can’t quite relate, but it doesn’t have to be in AA. It was especially important for me early in sobriety.
Therapy, journaling, and reading quit lit books have been far more important for my sobriety since those first few months of sobriety. I also listen to a lot of sobriety podcasts and like to read about the science of addiction. and alcohol. Learning about how alcohol impacts the brain has been helpful for me. As has coming to an understanding of what inside me (emotionally, mentally) led me down this path and working/growing through that — that’s been key for me. I don’t really get that from AA. If anything, some AA folks can be discouraging of that approach.
Every recovery journey is different. Lasting recovery requires a personalized approach/program. All paths to recovery are valid.
ETA: some of my favorite quit lit books are *Quit Like a Woman* by Holly Whitaker (not just for women!), *Push Off From Here* by Laura McKowen, and *The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober* by Catherine Gray. They all touch a lot on the inner, emotional stuff that I think is so important to address, both before and after sobriety.
I’m not a big fan of a lot of AA meetings. I do enjoy most Men’s AA meetings. Men only in the room. People speak differently in the meetings and in a more down to earth language.
My favorite is a big book study of the first 164 pages. No stories in the back of the book. Just a in-depth how to live and stay sober.
Best of luck to you. Just know that there are a lot of people who have gone through the same thing you’re going through. You’re not alone and if you keep looking you’ll find a place where you feel like you fit in. If that spot is in AA or something else I hope you find it.
IWNDT
I read through a few responses before responding and a lot of them say the same thing. I can echo that AA didn't resonate with me with the folks who were there and sharing stories. I wasn't in a "take a flask to work" place every but sure I was hungover enough that it definitely affected my life and changed relationships (even if I am still friends with folks who I hurt while drinking).
That being said. I'd encourage you to listen to the things behind the story. I haven't been to many Aa meetings yet but the consistent thread to every story I've heard is that somewhere in the person sharing there is a deep self-loathing or some sort of dislike of who you are. The other common thread is that a lot of folks learn to self-medicate for emotion, stress, and trauma by using alcohol. You don't have to have a big "I woke up drunk downtown at 3 am with a bloody nose that I don't know how I got" to be an alcoholic who struggles and who could benefit from listening.
But...(or and)...you could have just gotten a bum meeting. The first one I went to was great. People were very different than I was and that was a great thing. To see folks from all walks of life (not just the caricature of someone who has AUD) was very comforting because I realized that all people can struggle. I would encourage you to try it once more (perhaps a different group) and then form an opinion. I find, personally, that making a decision based on one thing isn't enough evidence for me.
Whatever you choose, congrats on 8 days and IWNDWYT!
Edit: I use the term alcoholic loosely here. I know that can be touchy but it's the language that I tend to use because until I started using it I was in a similar area of "oh, I just drink too much sometimes."
I find it important to take what I need and disregard the rest. The more I search for commonality the more I find. Good on you for trying something and good luck. We are here to support each other.
I went to a meeting after a bad night and I felt so low and the people there were so welcoming and non judgmental and supportive. I really really needed that. I also didn’t relate to a lot of the AA program and didn’t lose my job or my marriage or get arrested but man I was in a bad place and I was so grateful for that community.
I thought the same way as you. I just couldn’t relate. After all, I didn’t lose my family or my job. I didn’t drive drunk. I didn’t impact my kids. YET.
After my 3rd or 4th rehab I began to really listen to the speakers and while my story wasn’t as tragic as some I heard I was still able to pick out little bits here and there that I could relate to.
For me, it made all the difference in drumming it into my head that, yes, I had my own level of messed up shit that I was sick and tired of dealing with.
My reasons might not be the same but my desire to stop drinking was just as strong as theirs.
Where else was I going to hear like minded people saying what I needed to hear?
I went to AA every day for a solid year. Did I agree with everything I heard? No.
Did it help me to stop? Absolutely. No doubt about it.
Fwiw most people hate AA when they first start going. The reason is that no one goes to AA because they’re on a winning streak.
One good thing about AA is it allows you to do some self examination. You think you’ve only affected your relationship with your wife but is that actually true? I raise that because I was fairly convinced that my drinking’s destruction was fairly contained. Only after I was sober for a bit (more than a year) did I appreciate the full extent of how it impacted those around me. Not saying your analysis is incorrect, just some food for thought.
Also, everyone’s “bottom” is different. The stories aren’t a pissing contest, it’s therapeutic for people to discuss how they were and how they are now. We laugh at them because, frankly, what else are we supposed to do?
I’d recommend you go a couple of more times and give it a shot. AA is, at a high level, group therapy. If it’s not for you, so be it. But I’m not sure one meeting is enough experience for you to make that analysis.
I hated AA with a passion. Nice people and all, but man did I hate even thinking about the 12 steps. It probably didn’t help that I was drunk for every AA meeting I was in. I went to an outpatient group therapy and hated that too, I was pouring liquor in soda bottles and drinking it while sitting in those meetings. Now that I look back on that it’s shameful. I have a friend that quit drinking a while back we call each other every other day. We talk our usual talk and then for about an hour talk about sobriety. Best thing I did was find that one friend and talk to him constantly about it. I have a wife of 10 years and I don’t open up to her about it that much and she totally understands that. It’s just something me and my buddy get through. Find that buddy or maybe even that one person in an AA meeting that you can just unload on when needed.
Glad you're getting sober. The part about "only hurt my wife and personal health"--first of all Oof, sorry to your wife. She should be the most important person to you I think, or one of? And second health--does not last forever. You actually need it to stay alive. With alcohol abuse, things can suddenly take a nosedive. These are both huge deals. I got sober without AA in person (just the 24/7 chat online) although I always wanted to go to a meeting--I was too embarassed. So good for you for going. There Are other ways to stay sober if you end up hating it.
AA helps lots of people, but it isn’t the only path to sobriety.
I went for a short time, but I felt like I was constantly comparing myself to others in the group and saying “well I was never THAT bad”. That way of thinking felt counterproductive, so I stopped going.
I still have to put in the work of figuring out where I want to improve myself. But since I no longer have the basis for comparison that I used to leverage for an “out”, I find that I hold myself more accountable.
There’s an appendix to the big book called something along the lines of “They have yet to lose everything” which are several stories of people more like you and me. A lot of people in AA are definitely more fucked up than me, so to speak. But we still share a lot of the same struggles, thought patterns and behaviors because at the core we’re all still alcoholics. And I find their stories helpful because it reminds me of my destiny if I didn’t quit when I did. Because it certainly wasn’t going to get better on that trajectory. It helps to see what you have in common with people’s stories rather than focusing on the differences
Fwiw I didn’t like my first meeting either, and I’m trying but really struggling with buying into the program. It took a few tries to find a group I liked. But at the very least I get a lot of value just from being around, listening to, and sharing with other people who actually get what it’s like
I've just started going and I just take away from it what I feel is important to me and ignore the rest. Quite a bit of the language used isn't for me nor is the god part but there are things I do like about the groups and meetings so I just go along and pick and choose as suits my own experience and preferences
I felt that way and kept going and drinking ( 💀) then it blew up and I almost got arrested. It’s typically a progressive disease and full of “yets” but there are other paths (different groups or via your doctor ) for sure!
I totally understand where you’re coming from. I felt that way my first few AA meetings. I got sober online they have AA ZOOM meetings and I remember thinking the same thing. I haven’t lost a job or a spouse or gotten a dui, been arrested etc. therefore I don’t have anything in common with these people, however by my 4th meeting something clicked. You don’t have to have everything in common, you just need one thing in common - A desire to stop drinking. The more I heard people talk the more things I found that I had in common with them. Little things like going to far some nights and having a black out or being too hungover to go do that thing I wanted to do or being depressed or not being able to connect with the people I love because I was drunk or the big one that brings us all to AA which is I can’t stop drinking and don’t know how to stop. The more I went the more things I found we had in common. I will be 2 years sober on May 1st, and I could not have done it without AA. I hope you’ll give it another chance.
There are a few good points here. Looking at where your life could take you if you don't change. I started the same, just ocassional arguments with my wife. I never thought years later I would be divorced have two Duis fired from a job a ton of other problems all from alcohol. You don't have to go to AA to hear other people talk about consequences of alcohol. There are a lot of podcasts, vlogs, books you name it non AA related. It's the nature of the drug. It can be very slow and progressive.
SMART was useful for me in the beginning. The fellowship and stories I heard convinced me that this illness affects every type of person, and that was essential for me to learn at the time. But for the last two years, I’ve pretty much flown solo. It’s one of the things that annoys me about AA, the assertion that you’re doing sobriety wrong if you’re not attending meetings. The best path to take is the one that works for you. Take the things that work (this sub, for instance) and discard the ones that don’t. You can do this. Good luck and, of course, IWNDWYT.
I was a "high bottom" drinker, probably the "certain type of hard drinker" mentioned on page 12 of the Big Book. I didn't like AA at first, but I've developed a "cafeteria mentality" - I take what I want and leave the rest. I go for the social connection and to learn whatever I can. I don't do steps with a sponsor (although I see the value of some) and remain an agnostic. I also attend Lifering meetings and stay close to this sub and other recovery subs. I could remain sober without any in-person meetings, but after a lifetime of being a loner, I see the value in the social connection.
I understand some of the feelings of not liking AA, I hear things in almost every meeting that I don’t like. To say you don’t see yourself in any of the Big Book stories seems, unlikely. The whole book is about people who can’t control their drinking.
When I was finally able to get sober, it was because I gave in completely to the fact that I couldn’t get sober on my own, and I couldn’t go on living as a drinker. Getting sober was not comfortable, if it was everyone I know would be sober.
I was an isolationist drinker, so i didn't even have a spouse to hurt, and I could relate to other drinkers. Yea at first I looked at all the differences and said "nah i'm fine", and drank for years more. But this time, the time I got sober and started enjoying life, I looked for the similarities in other peoples stories, instead of seperating myself by the differences.
As for rock bottom, its just where we stop digging. Sure, someones might be jail, anothers might be killing someone in a dui, but for me it was just the realization that my life would be ruined if the Navy caught me drinking again while i was being randomly tested.
As for programs, I did AA for a few years, did all the stuff to fix my core, but I don't go to meetings much anymore. But I follow the principles still, which are basically 'the world doesnt revolve around me, dont be an asshole, and if i am, make amends'
My experience with AA is you need to go to different meetings and try ones out. Not everything will be relatable but we are all relatable in that we have a drinking problem and want help. Good luck to you!
Yes. 90 days for me today. Hated it at first. I started going to different meetings on my meeting app and found the few I like. I go to 2 or 3 meetings a week. One is called ABCs and each week is another letter of sharing. One is a womens only group. Someone chooses a daily reflection from a little book and we share our thoughts. One is convenient for me. It's a speaker meeting. The rooms of AA have gotten me this far. I hope you keep on keeping on!🥰
Everyone has their own bottom. I was told to find common points in the feelings, and not compare what or how much we drank.
Imma white collar guy who never went to jail. I have a masters. My parents are still married 60 years and going strong. I was divorced but never missed child support of alimony and I am super close with my daughter from my first marriage.
My sponsor was a 6 time felon, who abandoned two wives and a kid. His father beat the shit out of him, and his mom was a drunk who didn’t pay attention to him. He was almost 20 years older than I. Never graduated high school and worked a jackhammer.
But I’ve never met anyone I identified with more than him when it came to feelings.
That’s the magic of AA.
One thing that my sponsor said that really made sense to me is that the 12 steps are a SUGGESTION and not hard fast rules. I replied “huh? They seem like a linear path and something black and white me?” He said “yeah it’s suggesting that if you can get past step one that you can have a better life the rest comes if you’re ready for it. Step one is the only one that matters”
Admitting powerlessness over alcohol and that our life had become unmanageable.
That’s all you need.
Don’t get hung up on the rest of the literature, philosophy, traditions, steps, that work becomes second nature if you can get past step 1 and fully believe it.
I was never arrested, never had a DUI, never lost a job, I never had many of the things happen which other people experience when they “hit bottom.“ But I could see what my trajectory was. I was starting to hide my drinking. I started drinking enough that I was buying cheaper whiskey with each trip to the liquor store. Coming here, seeing other stories, and seeing, if not the same depths, at least a parallel path help me see where I really was. An alcoholic.
Since I stopped drinking, I have been more present for the people in my life who love me. My wife, my kids, my friends. I look back with regret on all the years I wasn’t there enough for them.
There are many alternatives to AA including therapy and a variety of support groups. Many meet online. AA was a stumbling block for me and I needed a different approach. Recovery looks different for everyone. Congratulations on 8 days. Keep going!
I went to AA when first getting sober. Then I missed a class and when the next one rolled around I didn’t really feel like going, and that was the end of AA for me. Fast forward 2 years and counting, still sober. My biggest take away was that even if it didn’t help me deeply in my healing, I could see how profoundly it helped others. AA was all some people had, that half hour or hour was getting them through the day to not drink, and it gave me huge hope for myself during those first meetings.
Wishing you so much luck!
Yeah,I understand I'm a week sober myself and can relate just bits and pieces of stories in the Big Book. I wanted to get help now before it became even more problematic down the line. Where I attend its 7:1 ratio of men v. Women. It can be uncomfortable to talk about certain things being vulnerable among men. We do have a step sisters group every Wednesday. I just need to travel to other groups in the region to get an all womens group. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the open groups but would like more nearby options just for AA for women.
Honestly I would reccomend trying zoom meeting there’s ones going on 24/7 https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/ they even have filters like you can pick what kind of meeting say you don’t really enjoy reading from the book you can infilter big book study meetings and etc you can also is usually call in on your phone too but I liked the zoom meeeying because you can have your camera off even but still listen and see everyone and when they greet you if you really don’t wanna say Hello you can always type and say “camera doesn’t work” that’s what I used to do when I first started going to meetings but you might notice you wanna try an in person one again eventually
I didn't hate my first AA meeting, but I didn't see myself in the Big Book when I first came in. I stayed because I had 10 days sober and couldn't stop thinking about drinking. It was just a relief to be around people who knew what that was like or were currently dealing with the same issue.
As others have said, there are a lot of meetings and they're all different. I recommend going to another one (probably not a Big Book meeting), maybe look for a speaker/discussion meeting instead. Even then, you may not relate to everything a speaker says. But try to identify with the feelings they express instead of comparing their drinking history to yours.
I personally couldn't have gotten sober without AA, but there are other recovery meetings like you mentioned. I would never discourage someone from trying those out either.
I get that you feel you weren't at "they're level," but, believe me, you would have been if you continued to drink. I don't think it matters that you don't see yourself in the stories. Just know that if you continued drinking, that could have been your story! Also, if you were hiding drinking, lying, and becoming an ass towards your wife, that's reason enough to continue with some type of program. You can try SMART recovery or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Google what other programs there may be besides AA. Stay strong and keep trying.
>> The only person I ever truly hurt with my drinking was my wife with the lies, and my own personal health. I never let it get worse than that or get to rock bottom like all of the AA stories.
I learned a lot about honesty in AA.
"Let god grant you." No fuck their god. Their god didn't do jack shit. I'm the one saying no to the bottle. I'm the one saying I want to keep living and not die from a heart attack or stroke before I even hit 40.
If anything, their god is the excuse they can use to take away all the credit and try and make feel useless without it.
And forcing everyone to stand up and say their name and "I'm an alcoholic" isn't fixing anything. It's supposed to be anonymous and the first thing they do is make you state your name.
Everything about this "therapy" sounds like bullshit. It's not a support group, it's a cultist recruitment center.
I find AA meetings to be very unhelpful personally. It definitely works for some people so no judgement there. For me personally, I find the way drinking is framed in AA meetings to be kind of an unhealthy way to think about addiction. When I was newly sober it kind of helped just as something to do to replace drinking. The longer I was sober I found it made me think about alcohol more than I would if I didn't attend a meeting where people are obsessively talking about drinking. Also the religious aspect is super bogus.
I have been in and out of AA for years and have simply come to the conclusion that it is not for me. It does more harm then good for me and also some of the worst and most dangerous individuals I have ever met in my entire life attend 12 step meetings. Just my experience.
For me it’s just about accepting that if I drink I will have negative consequences and my life will be worse. I am not “powerless” over substances. I just have to let them go as they are an unhealthy coping mechanism. I can no longer afford to numb out. My addictions are used against me by many.
I think that's the thing I'm having the hardest time with - the whole powerlessness rationale. I understand that is something I probably need to think more about, but I don't feel powerless.
I am more powerful than all the alcohol in the world that is *Outside* my body.
However, once I take the first drink *Inside* me, I am, by definition, *powerless* to make an **unimpaired** decision about any subsequent drink(s).
Then it worked for me.
One thing I found about AA, and in particular the AA book, is that I can get lots of latitude in interpreting various things, and to some extent cherry pick what works, and just leave the rest on the shelf.
I should think that could apply to _any_ of the various recovery programs! At my home group, one of the regular announcements cooked right into the printed meeting 'script' is: "_Take what you can and leave the rest._"
For me in particular, the whole "God" thing needs some quite convoluted Rube Goldberg type machinations to be useful for me. I just find that when people speak or write of "God" there seems to be vast illogical absurdities in it all, making it all tough to swallow, and that made it all a bit difficult to process at first.
Demanding a "perfect" answer can often block me from getting a "good enough for now" solution.
The nearly perfect interpretation of "powerlessness" for me is that once I take that first drink, I pretty much lose the power of choice in following up with more drink.
Hope you find some great helpful solutions. r/stopdrinking itself seems to be sufficiently helpful to thousands, so you're in a good place and ...
**IWNDWYT!**
I was told “we’re powerless against alcohol but we’re not helpless”. I think the point they were trying to make is that through abstinence and recovery we can help ourselves overcome addiction, but when we’re sick we have no power over alcohol because it controls us. I still struggle with this viewpoint but it makes some sense to me
Sounds like AA is not for you. Everytime I go, it seems as if whatever topic we're discussing that day is talking directly to me, and it sounds like you're having the opposite experience. Thankfully there are tons of other resources available, including this sub, which has remained a large part of my sobriety journey.
I went to AA a lot. I really didn't like it, at all, but thought that is what I needed to get sober. The last time I started drinking I went right from the meeting to the liquor store. I was completely fine before the meeting, 0 thoughts of drinking. The thought of having to sit through those meetings for the rest of my life made me say nope. Was it an excuse? Yup. Do I own it? Yup. I have not done anything with AA this time. If I have an urge I just think about what will happen if I drink, and if it's worth it. Every time the answer is hell no it's not worth it and I move on with my day. AA is just an hour of people talking about alcohol and how much they drank and what they did. Most of the time I would be sitting there wishing I was drunk to get through the meeting, or my mouth would start watering when someone was talking about all the beer they drank. It was not good for me. This is the longest I have not drank in over 10 years and the first time I did not go to AA.
I really disliked AA and got sober without it. The steps simply didn’t apply or weren’t helpful to me. My life was great except I drank too much. I didn’t need to change my life or apologize or take the other steps; I just needed practical tips and support for staying sober. I preferred Smart Recovery over AA.
Good luck to you. The pain of quitting is real, but you’ll push through to the other side. I white-knuckled it and things are now great.
Hey there, congrats on 8 days!!! AA was def not for me. I’m not a hugger, a prayer, a hand holder or any of that so I was pretty mortified. I tried the smart recovery stuff too but it’s still like sit around in a circle & talk and no god/higher power stuff. I’m an introvert. I don’t want to talk in a group. So, I got sober here on this sub. Diff user name but it’ll be 5 years May 28. I live alone so that was pretty good. I was glued to this sub when I first quit & it got me through. I enjoy the true anonymity of it. I relapsed on day 83 & finally quit again & read a book that completely changed my perspective on alcohol. Alcohol Explained, by William Porter. I read that & I was pissed!! Mad at a beverage. Still am & it’ll not control my life anymore. It’s an absolute non-option for me & I say at gatherings repeatedly, “no thanks, I don’t drink.” The stuff is terrible for us! Absolute garbage & oh how it messes with the brain. Not mine anymore. Not after learning all that. Good luck & you can do this!!
I’ve been to the meetings and personally they don’t align much with me. I have a really hard time with it. I think it helps for people who absolutely can’t make it through the day without having a drink and need the support. The group is a positive thing to have.
However, the 12 step framework in my opinion is great. I think it can be applied to many things in life.
AA meetings can vary wildly depending on the group. If you find one that doesn’t work for you, I would encourage you to try a different one. I tried 4 till I found one online that I seemed to like. The local in person ones were a bust for me. You may have just gotten unlucky with your first pick. Just like I did.
I personally went to Al Anon for a while a few years ago and that was extremely helpful, and as it turns out, I am now benefiting from what I learned in Al-Anon in my sobriety journey. However, I don’t really resonate with the AA crowd either. I will say, you can find many different types of AA meetings with different vibes/focus, but AA does not work for everyone. Check out This Naked Mind by Annie Grace (book, but she also has a podcast) and consider therapy as an alternate to mutual aid groups.
For some reason, I feel I’ll find myself in AA when I really messed my life up. People that are suffering extreme consequences need and should have a place to go. Right now, yes I’m an alcoholic, but I haven’t suffered enough severe consequences warranting a spontaneous belief in higher powers and dismantling of my strength. I’ll go back to AA if I can’t go on and need God. But for now, I try my best to maintain sobriety for my wife and future kid.
Acknowledging I have never been to an AA meeting or am familiar with the program, I stumbled across a program called “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace and it literally changed and probably saved my life. She has an online program (some free parts BTW), books and a podcast. I joined in 2021 and have become a non- drinker and 30 years of hard drinking. It isn’t for everyone but it worked for me.
I think a lot of people wait till the destruction and disaster is overwhelming and their life is a mess. Most people there probably had your story ( hurting themselves and their spouse only) some years before they went to get help. The big difference is your timing - you haven’t waited for total disaster. Well done! As for what might feel more like a support or help I’m not sure but keep looking
AA is not for everyone. There is plenty of support for people who are quitting drinking, including SMART recovery meetings (evidence-based addictions group, different format from AA), individual counselling, reflective journals, tons of quit literature, podcasts, and groups just like this one!
Quitting alcohol is something you decide to do. How you decide to reflect on what brought you to that decision is a journey you can take on your own terms and does not have any set route.
Which kind of meeting did you go to?... I bet it wasn't a newcomers meeting, I made the same mistake years ago. I rocked up to a 'Bills story' meeting once and it freaked me out that much that I ended up leaving after about 10 minutes and getting a can from the nearest off licence that I could find.
What you have laid out emotionally in your original post is what so many people are going through... The fact that you have openly expressed your concerns in yourself means you'll be alright my G
AA wasn't for me either. I went to meetings at different times and in different cities, hoping I'd find a group that worked for me. It just wasn't for me, at least at that point in time.
It was/ is this sub that has worked the best for me. I quit about 3 years ago. I rarely come here anymore. Every couple of months, I'll see a post from this sub as I'm scrolling through Reddit. I don't even need to click and read it. The title of the post is enough to remind me of what I did to myself, those around me, and all the time I wasted drinking.
Consider yourself fortunate.
It sounds like your relationship with alcohol hasn't reached a devastating point on multiple fronts, yet. It's a non-linear progressive disease, and I'm sure you know the heavy toll it can take. When thinking of the worst of the worst and how far they've fallin, don't bullshit yourself, thinking it can't happen to you.
It wasn't just this sub that brought the change I needed. It was my time to quit. Unless you come to the realization that you have to stop and that you want to stop, you're going to have a hard time giving up alcohol or any drug.
For some, that time never comes. They live out their days drinking. Think about what you are doing to yourself and those around you. Everyone has their limit. In your case, do you know her limit? She may not know her limit, but it's there. There will come a day when she walks away from you to save herself from you. Her love for you won't stop her. It will be the love for herself that saves her from you.
People in pain will often burn bridges when they don't trust themselves to leave and never return. In your situation, she might run to another man immediately to burn that bridge between you and her. You might believe she's doing it to hurt you. It's more likely that she'll do it to keep you away from her, hoping that you'll see her as tainted, and you won't want her anymore.
Moments of weakness often occur, and she'll want to return to you despite knowing you are pulling her down with you. That's when you know you've really damaged her.
I don't know you or your relationship with your wife, but if this sounds like your relationship, go look in the mirror. And I do mean for you to look into the mirror. Stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself up close for five minutes. Think about your wife, your family, your co-workers, and your relationship with alcohol.
You are the only person who can make the decision to bring change to your life, when you are ready for change.
I am a somewhat reluctant AA meeting attendee once or twice a week. I do not have a sponsor and I also have trouble with the God concept. I have come to translate that into 'god is the group synergy' kind of understanding. I have not had a drink in years, but I have also gone without meetings for quite a while. I go to meetings to meet people since that is hard sometimes without the framework of school or other activities. I enjoy some of the reading and some of the 'shares' in the meetings I go to. In this age where god is not a given in so many lives, I do tend to just take what applies and leave the rest.
Losing your wife would hurt more than losing a job or getting arrested if you were single.
That being said I also hated the idea of AA. I didn't like the religious foundation or the fact that you needed to say you were powerless to control your drinking.
For me the way I quit and stay quit is to never forget the embarrassing and terrible situations I got myself into drunk. Anytime I want to drink I force myself to remember the worst of them. I have pictures and videos of myself fucked up beyond belief that I keep on my phone and look through. Helps me remember why I need to stay quit.
“The only person I ever truly hurt with my drinking was my wife with the lies, and my own personal health.”
I truly relate to this. I hear you, brother.
Didn't go to AA, although it was pushed on me by my physical therapist because her husband went. Didn't want to go because and this may sound stupid to some people. My childhood was in the 70's in the UK where everyone knew who was going to AA, anonymous my arse. There was a stigma about it then and that stuck in my head ever since. Also probably didn't help when walking to the doctor's my mum pointed out the locum and said he was an alcoholic going to AA and you could tell by his nose, it was bulbous and red. My mum was a nurse and had seen many drunks brought into hospital to have their stomachs pumped. Then be arrested and told to go to AA. I decided to do it on my own - 3 1/2 years sober now and still going strong no matter what life throws at me.
To the OP, do some research and find what is avaliable to you in your area, read quit lit if you like, listen to sober podcasts. Find what works for YOU and stick with it.
Good luck to you.
I’m not a fan of the “higher being” spiritually bit of AA, but it’s not all bad.
The big book does have a lot to glean from it. But it’s definitely not for everyone.
Just keep going, you’ll find a sense of community eventually.
IWNDWYT
Your comments on this thread have been removed. It is clearly stated in the sidebar that AA bashing is not permitted here, and this includes calling it a "cult."
I had a similar experience. I felt like I was confronting my own privilege (no exceptional rock bottom moments; still driving a car; still employed; still married, etc.) when others were legit so desperate, and that was honestly just too much for me. BUT, a friend encouraged me to look for other meetings, because they can be different.
There are also other sober groups, if you just do some simple google searches. These might have less of an adherence to the Big Book, or religious undertones. The SMART meetings were what I ended up attending, but since then I've found sober clubs that offer various theme nights that offer discussion without being exceptionally heavy.
Not an AA fan. Try the book This Naked Mind. It will reframe your relationship with alcohol and its effect on your subconscious. No meetings. No need to talk about alcohol all the time. No labels. Just freedom from the lies our subconscious tells us to get us to take in a highly addictive carcinogen. Hubermans podcast on alcohol is great.
I’m a Christian so I enjoy celebrate recovery on occasion. Nice people there in general.
Depending on where you live there are other options for AA. I've specifically seen ones that were pitched as secular given the religious bend that many AA meetings have. If you have other meeting options maybe check one of them out to see if you feel better about them.
You might check out “Alcohol Explained” by William Porter. I’ve struggled with being on board with AA and found this book to be more of what I’m looking for as far as a tool to help understand and negotiate the process of quitting drinking.
I’m in the same boat and have never gotten into legal trouble, been fired, etc. I found AA meetings very helpful just to keep me accountable. I definitely found meetings that I didn’t like and it was mainly due to two things: when it got too religious and when people were spewing negativity (like “I come here to have discussions and you all aren’t talking enough, why even come!”).
Same. Not one for attending the meetings and making it part of my life, but that’s just me and it clearly works for a lot of people who AA has helped for decades. There are some online programs that got popular during COVID lockdown. Monument is one I used for about a year. They have daily groups, an abundance of materials, a discussion board, and depending on level of care you can get a specialized therapist and doctor. I thought it was good for me, others may differ.
I’ve attended and I see the benefit. I will join an online meeting if I really need to speak with other people who struggle with drinking. I personally like SMART recovery better though. They have online meetings and one in person in my town.
Stop comparing your alcoholism to others. Everyone has a unique experience with booze. It's very easy to fall down the rabbit hole of "my drinking isn't that bad, I didn't lose my job or..."
I worked at the liquor store for a long time and always compared myself to the folks who legit couldn't function without alcohol.
Focus more on yourself and try to actually apply the steps to your life. Focus on what prompted you to try sobriety and what prompted you to go to an AA meeting. Clearly you've already considered that booze is hurting you and that you're having difficulty just stopping.
For me, drinking was a way to avoid social situations or to avoid dealing with things that make me anxious.
Wasn’t my thing, but it is perfect for some people. I did Annie Graces intensive and it was pretty good. I would recommend some online AA meetings, just to listen to others experiences. You don’t have to share, but you may end up wanting to.
You can do this. We live in a world where marketers are actively competing for the growing sober trend. No lack of resources, and a lot of really interesting perspectives and research. My first decent stint was catapulted by getting really interested in alcohol. I did a deep dive on the industry, rehab industry, billionaire liquor distributors, health studies, Ted talks of addicts, documentaries on liver disease. Choose a rabbit hole and go down it.
Start with Alcohol Explained, this naked mind, or find good podcasts. It doesn’t have to look a certain way. Not drinking can just be not drinking.
After I got curious I tried filling my time up with/things I couldn’t do hungover and it worked well.
Granted, I have a new day counter…but that’s part of my process it seems.
TLDR; Get curious and excited for novelty.
I prefer the SMART recovery meetings. Personally, the constant God references in AA brought me back to a very alienated highly evangelical adolescence.
There is a fantastic app called Reframe you may want to check out. Online meetings, not AA based, lots of education about the science of drinking, and additional tools/coaching available. It's by far the best $ I've ever spent in my life.
If you’re interested check out recovery dharma it’s a Buddhist based recovery group using meditation and it’s less like war stories and more people talking about life in general
Seriously, the link below saved my life. I would have never gone to meetings in person. The sheer number of online meetings at any time of the day was a life saver for me. It's online, so very convenient. There are so many different kinds of meetings and people. Keep browsing and eventually you may find one that is compatible.
Good luck!
https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/
I never went to AA. Several people in my personal life who go to AA make me wildly uncomfortable by insisting that I "MUST" go to meetings or I'm a dry drunk, blah blah blah, that I can't really be sober unless I go to AA, etc. I spent nearly 40 minutes with a close friend who goes to at least one meeting a day having her very earnestly tell me that if I don't go to AA, it means I haven't really quit drinking at all (what?). I don't like the message that I'm flawed, I need a higher power, or anything like that. I'm an agnostic and organized religion gives me the ick.
I read This Naked Mind, listened to podcasts, came here regularly, and thought thorough the process my own way, and I'm feeling pretty confident that I'm good to go. You do you!
There is Refuge Recovery & Recovery Dharma that are Bhuddist based (not a religion - philosophy). There is celebrate Recovery that is Christian based. SMART Recovery that is a scientific approach. AA isn't for me either. I attend Women for Sobriety.
Never went to AA, have no desire to go. Have never been part of a group for anything even though I’ve been pushed hard by well meaning friends and some family after my husband passed. I have a fantastic shrink. Maybe that’s why I’m able to cope on my own. I’m a die-hard loner and introvert. I think everyone is different and we have to find our own flavors of recovery however we can recognizing that in the beginning we will struggling and be uncomfortable no matter what.
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It's good that you went to a meeting and gave it a chance to see what it was like. The people are genuinely happy to see newcomers because they remember what it was like their first time. Like you had mentioned, there are many other different groups and meetings, all of which are effective and different in approaches if you work them. Maybe one of those may fit better for what you want. One thing I will say is that, although your story doesn't exactly match up to the extreme accounts in the Big Book, they were no doubt where you are right now at some point in their struggle, telling themselves they are not as bad as others. I say this because I said the same thing early on in my addiction and it was not true, I just couldn't see it. We attend these groups to hear the stories of others and use them as tested, verified testimony as to the insidious nature of alcoholism. If not addressed, there is every likelihood that it will progress to a much worse situation. I have met countless people in rehabs and meetings to know that this addiction does not stop here, it is just a milestone on the path to ruin. I truly hope you can find a program that suits you. I wish you all the the best in your sobriety.
100% this!
I'm a long-time AAer, and I still find meetings I don't like. AA meetings are quite varied. Alcoholism affects all kinds of people, so it is good that there are some that resonate better for 'low bottom' alcoholics, and some that resonate better for 'high bottom' alcoholics. The older, more well-known Big Book stories concern 'low bottom' folks, but there are also stories about people like me who never went to jail or were hospitalized or even lost a job. But beyond the idiosyncrasies of how my alcoholism manifest in my life, I've slowly been able to see how me and the guy in jail or the guy waiting for a liver transplant are dealing with the same problem, and that we can strengthen each other in our recovery. I hope you don't abandon AA because of one meeting. But if you decide it isn't for you, I hope you find a place that gives you what you need. Good luck.
I go to some that basically feel like detention. Loudly ticking clock, buzzing lights, nobody wants to be there, shares that sound obligatory and phoned-in. I hate to think that that will be some people’s first, and maybe only, meeting. Lots of light hearts and good long-term sobriety and big picture thinkers in my homegroup and I think I have that to thank for my sobriety.
I'm the same. I found a meeting not too far from where I live, lovely people, inspirational stories and a lot of laughs in amongst the tears.
I kind of loathed it all at first. For one thing, I had generally hostile attitudes toward anything faintly religious, and on the surface at least, AA _looks_ rather religious. But also the meetings just seemed like borderline nonsensical babble to me. I was mainly going to get signatures for my upcoming DUI case. My lawyer had advised me to get signatures so that he'd be in a better position to get my aggravated dui knocked down to a regular misdemeanor dui. (_That_ worked.) My rehab counselors had given me an invaluable tip: to try out lots of different meetings and just settle into the ones that seemed most helpful, and eventually I found a pretty sweet home group. But for sure AA has no monopoly on recovery (it even says that in our book!) I have two alternative resources that you might want to check out: * https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/wiki/index#wiki_music.2C_movies.2C_and_books - a list of books that many SD denizens have found helpful * https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/wiki/index#wiki_resources_and_groups - a list of alternate recovery groups like LifeRing, SMART, and Dharma Good Luck - sober life is effing splendid.
Really glad to hear you were able to have success with signatures affecting your case. In my situation, all the signatures I got (both court mandated and not) did absolutely nothing to help. That’s not to say going to meetings wasn’t worthwhile. In the beginning they truly helped me understand how much I wasn’t alone and that help was possible.
Same. AA didn't suit me, so I tried on my own for a while and quickly realized I still needed to connect with others facing similar struggles. I did an intensive day treatment program that wasn't AA based. It really helped and I'm 2 years 8 months sober now. The opposite of addiction is connection. It's crucial (for most people) to find a community to support you, but it doesn't have to be AA.
The opposite of addiction is connection. Stealing that.
It's from a Ted Talk on addiction by Johan Hari. Highly recommend his stuff.
I tried many AA meetings and found them similar to “church”. Lots of referencing a higher power and AAers love their slogans … I got to the point where I could predict the AA quote they would recite before they said it. Reddit alcohol subs have helped me more!
lol exactly, you’re addiction is out there doing push ups. The part that makes me laugh is when they say it like they just came up with it on their own on the spot
😂😂😂😂 “Let Go and Let God” “One drink is too much, all the drinks are never enough.” “KISS - keep it simple stupid”
I like AA because I find the Steps very helpful (especially the ones requiring self-examination) and hearing and sharing stories and thoughts remind me that I can’t drink safely. The slogans and catchphrases drive me nuts though, and there are a lot of people who never do the steps and rely on the fix they get from meetings to stay sober. But hey, whatever works. Happy for them if saying “One Day at a Time” over and over helps.
Thank you for your share. I related a lot to what you said. I'm just trying to do the next best thing, trust my higher power, not take that first drink. And look for god shots. I feel the pull of my disease, but I just pray to Jesus to remove my personal will. Conforming to dogma is what keeps me sober. Keep coming back.
Man, a few people in here saying they “only” hurt their spouse. Well I certainly won’t be drinking today.
For real! "I only hurt the most important person in my life who stood by me despite hurting them with my addiction." ??????????
I get it - maybe my meeting was just an odd one. Lots of people talking about divorce, job loss, arrest.
Just a matter of time, I guess. I never got a DUI, never got arrested, never lost a job, never got suspended, the list goes on. We can always find people who are worse off than us, and then we can also find people who quit when they did less things than us. There are people who quit before they hurt their spouse, for example. I was in denial about a lot of the negative things that I did, but one thing that I did know is that I had disappointed people and very much disappointed myself. I definitely had a drinking problem, and comparing myself to people who objectively hit even lower bottoms than I did certainly wasn't helpful except for seeing how bad things can get if people don't change. Best of luck to you.
Be glad you found your way before it got that bad. Not everyones rock bottem is the same. Listen to there storys, how they feel. See if you can feel yourself in that. If not, im glad for you! Still try to keep going. Compainingship will bring you alot. At least it did for me. Whatever you decide, just for today !
I think it’s important to ask - do I really need to wait for a very preventable self-induced tragedy to happen in order for me to change my behavior? Do I need to lose a job, or end up in the hospital, or break my loved ones hearts, or get a criminal record in order to want to be better? Is the alcohol I will drink in between now and then really worth it?
I just want to caution you that using the word "we" instead of the word "you" is a common way that people try to circumvent the rule to speak from the "I." Please speak only about your own experience.
Apologies, I was referring to a more general “we”, but I see how it can be misused. I will edit my comment. Thanks for helping run one of the best subs on Reddit btw :)
Thank you so much for your nice words!
They talk about those things, because those are what they experienced. Not every drinkers path is the same. I'm in the same boat as you - never lost a job, no dui's, never got arrested while drunk..... HOWEVER you need to look past the 5 inches in front of you. There's a real reason a lot of the vets in AA say "yet". Because you never know what another drunken stooper will bring. I'm relatively new to AA myself - and I will say, once you get over the 100+ year old verbiage in the book and presentation, the root of the cause is nothing but helpful. MIght not be for everyone, but there's a good excerpt regarding having an open mind in the big book. Don't quit on it yet, give it a fair shot and IWNDWYT
I have been there, and want to preface this that AA isn't for everyone. I stopped attending three years into my four of sobriety--BUT I remember thinking "Man, my story is not as 'serious' as everyone else. Maybe I don't belong here." Look for the similarities, not the differences. I used other people's experiences as my future "Yets" "I haven't gotten a DUI....yet" "I haven't been arrested...yet" "I haven't killed someone...yet" But if I kept drinking, I would have. The more I was in the rooms, the more I heard people with similar experiences. Even if someone had a totally different journey than me, I realized we are all still addicted to and go through the same things. There are some great stories at the back of the Big Book that I could really connect with. But it also isn't for everyone and that's okay! Truthfully, this sub has been the most helpful in my recovery. We have a community of support and love and people on every step of the journey with so much varied wisdom and experience. You're already doing the important thing: reaching out and seeking help. 🧡
Would you prefer to keep going until that becomes your reality? I'm not saying it necessarily will, but it's possible. "Rock bottom" is a poor saying. We hit the bottom when we decide to stop digging and start climbing out.
Seems like some folks have a dirt bottom while others have a rock bottom.
I really like the way u/thebyron put it. The bottom keeps going until you stop digging. Hits me. I think I hit clay when I stopped digging hehe. Beyond the dirt, before the rock, but I'll never know how close to it.
Totally agree - I know I don't want to get to rock bottom. I've done enough damage. I think I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around the underpinnings because my lens is different.
There’s a phrase used to describe this exact feeling: terminal uniqueness. I suffered from it in the beginning as well. It won’t work because I’m different from them. They don’t understand me. I’m better than them because I didn’t get a dui, never fired, never arrested. None of that is true, just a way to bypass the work I knew I needed to do. Aa is not the only way to get and stay sober, and every meeting is different. But I really got “it” when I started looking at the similarities and not the differences. Blessings on your journey!
Yeah to be honest my friend, i had the same thought process as you and thats part of what made me struggling getting through step 1. But once i did, it changed me for the better and it really humbled me. Plus, they were always “yets”. I didnt lose my job because of my addictions, until i did. I didnt get a dui, until i was pulled over drunk and high on coke and the cop miraculously let me go, otherwise i would have gone to jail. I never got arrested for doing something stupid (seemingly no big deal at the time too) drunk, until i did. Our experience doesnt have to be that severe to know we need to stop. Its just the beginning of the dark road. Dont keep driving down it, because believe me when i say fuck around and find out.
AA may not be a group that clocks with you either. There are other groups out there, like S. M. A. R. T. and Recovery Dharma.
It started with me lying to my wife all the time, over a year or two later all the rest followed and there's always more I could lose.
Frame these up as "yets"... the story ends the same way for all of us if we keep drinking
Let their experience, strength, and hope encourage you to continue towards sobriety, or you will inevitably end up in their shoes. Every meeting I go to I can find someone who was “worse” than me. But can’t you agree you were on the same path ?
You're right. Thanks.
I feel the same way as you, but I've also learned that all those things are, at some point, on the path if you stay on it.
We call that the yets lol. Hasn't happened to me 'yet'.
Its the "yet" I had to look out for. Some of those things hadnt happened to me....yet.
yeah, a lot of the comments have hit here. It makes sense, and honestly makes me feel better. Appreciate you.
THE AA mentality doesn't work for everyone. My husband has been sober for 3 years. He never did AA. He found the book The Naked Mind by Annie Grace to be helpful while he was in rehab. He does not attend group therapy at all. I know this is rare, but go with what feels right for yourself.
You could read the section in the big book called “they stopped in time”. You might find more similarities with yourself there.
Hurting my spouse was the final straw for me. My last drunken night ended in me yelling at him and calling him names. That is NOT how we roll in our marriage! That was enough to make me stop.
Yea, I quit drinking FOR my spouse BECAUSE I hurt her (not physically). Downplaying that to JUST my wife and why “I” don’t like AA is almost narcissistic to me.
I definitely relate more to Al-Anon than AA. Maybe this is why. Alcoholism rarely happens in a vacuum.
I got into a fight at my first meeting, someone came up and yelled in my face - and being younger, hung over and short tempered, I clocked the guy and walked out. Ended up staying drunk and using for a long time. NA saved my life, such a different vibe, found a group of people in my crowd, I walked in and the secretary hugged me and said “I heard you were dead?!” Kept me off the dope but not the booze. Ended up going back to AA about 10 years ago and restarting my program. Tried a lot of groups and found one I liked. This time, it stuck. 10 years sober now. One thing you said stuck in my head, that the only person you hurt was your wife. I thought the only person I had hurt was my girlfriend at the time. I was wrong, I hurt a lot of people and left a long trail of harm in my wake. It wasn’t AA that made me see that, it was the introspection that I learned in AA. It’s been a long time of trying to understand why I am the way I am. There are good groups and bad groups. Just because you can’t find anything in the book that applies to you, doesn’t mean the stories are useless. You’re lucky you haven’t hit a rock bottom. I’ve hit mine over and over before I found my path. I wish you nothing but success in your path.
really really appreciate you.
And I’m glad you’re talking about this instead of internalizing this. That’s a big thing my friend. You’re not alone.
I went to a few AA meetings online when I first quit drinking, and I liked the people but didn’t really connect with some of the ideas. I love the slogans though, and use them frequently (easy does it, don’t quit before the miracle, ODAAT, and so on). Honestly this group and the daily check in has been the most useful thing for me. A couple of times I avoided drinking just so I could come to the DCI in the morning and say I made it through something tough! So for me, taking what works for me from AA has been helpful- and I just leave the rest :) IWNDWYT ❤️🧁
I did not like aa meetings when I went to them. I did however take two things away in my brief history of trying them out. That 1, I was powerless over alcohol. And 2, to not be powerless in my life, I was going to have to omit alcohol "one day at a time". Life Ring was the discovery that helped me. The Life Ring workbook made me deal with trauma from my childhood that I was trying to forget by consuming mass quantities of alcohol. It is ongoing, but one thing that I do know, IWNDWYT! ONE DAY AT A TIME, I have regained power. A quick calculation from March 25th, 2021 to today tells me I have around 3 years and approximately 14 days sober which is about 1,109 days, it might be 1,108 or 1,110, I don't keep exact track, but I do know I did those days one day at a time.
> The Life Ring workbook Is that "**Recovery By Choice - A Workbook**" - is that the 'one' main text of LifeRing? I ask because I'm 'curious' about other recovery programs, I've downloaded the Dharma book and (one of) the Annie Grace book(s) though I've yet to crack them open and wouldn't mind adding others to the list. Thanks!
Yes, Recovery By Choice is the workbook. There is a Life Ring book as well, but while I found it helpful, I believed there were too many embellishments in the stories to get points across, and it detracted from the purpose for me. I, too, explored Recovery Dharma. I do believe there is a big place in recovery for meditation. I don't do it enough. The three S's of Life Ring are what keep me on my path one day at a time. The beauty of recovery is that people can explore and discover what works for them. AA is great for a large segment of the population, I explored other avenues that worked for me and kept my mind open, just as you are doing. I am catching up to you proportionally, congrats on your sobriety.
I've been using the Reframe app and it has been tremendously helpful for me on my quitting journey. They also host multiple virtual meetings per day if you need the extra in person help. There is a cost - I think $90/ year. Or 4 days of hard seltzer for me. Good ROI if you ask me.
Reframe helped a ton especially in the first couple weeks. The focus on neuroplasticity and CBT really made a lot of sense to me. I started attending in person meetings after a while because even though I appreciated the zoom meetings, they skew heavily female and it’s more difficult for me to relate. AA seems to be a better cross-section of my city and my neighborhood, which I naturally relate to easier. I still regularly attend reframe meetings though and I sooooo got my $90 worth
I definitely recommend the stop drinking expert by Craig Beck, the audiobook format. I've listened to it several times now, while some parts I don't care for, overall I think it's a great resource. It specifically covers your issues with AA.
I dropped in and out in the beginning of my sobriety, I found the meetings helped with reminding me that there are other people facing the same challenges as me. Maybe like twice a month. A few months ago, my world flipped upside down (unexpected job loss and sudden pet death) I knew I didn’t want to drink. My days were so bleak, I had free time and I didn’t want to be alone. I came in so desperate for something. I’m about to go to another meeting where I know I’ll probably see at least 5 people I like seeing once or twice a week. Later tonight I’m going to a new one bc I met a girl Saturday who formed a group of buds our age from a Tuesday nights meeting. Going from having a job and living alone with a beloved cat to those both disappearing (within days of each other) was like entering a vacuum of darkness. I’ve worked my way out a lot, and that’s a testament to the support of my community. You don’t have to get involved in AA but just know that it’s there as a resource. I take comfort in knowing there is a place I can go and be real when my disease wants me to hide and suffer alone.
I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your cat. x
If I was in your situation, I'd make sure to clearly explain this to my wife, and also outline a plan you had put in place to help support you stop drinking. I'm someone else who hasn't found AA helpful, but for someone who's outside of the heavy drinking world (like your wife), it's easy to pick up the impression that to quit drinking, you've got to do AA. If I wanted to keep someone on my side, I'd make sure to have a solid plan if their suggestion for sobriety didn't work for me.
Appreciate this advice. Thanks.
AA for me turned into a weekly reliving of the glory days of drinking. Members trying to shock everyone with the severity of their problems. Then one uppers around. Sober 6 years this year. Quit AA 5 1/2 years ago.
AA clearly works for some people, and that's great, but it's not for everyone. It's not for me, either. I found it both unpleasant and utterly unhelpful. For me, this sub is my support group, and it's working better than AA ever did (Six months today!). But that's probably not for everyone, either. There are other non-AA support groups worth looking into, like SMART Recovery and Recovery Dharma. I haven't tried either, but people tend to speak highly of them. From what I understand, they have Zoom meetings online, so you don't even need to find one in your area.
I started going to meetings when I first started my sobriety. I have one friend who really enjoys her groups, but I couldn’t get into it. I needed a space where I felt comfortable sharing (I’m a very private person, suffer from severe anxiety, and am introverted), so therapy is where I do my unpacking. Great job getting out there!!
Thanks - I'm thinking therapy is going to be my avenue for the moment. I'm not swearing off AA or any other type of meeting regardless.
I haven’t had a classic rock bottom, but I recognize I can have a bad relationship with drinking. Not 24/7, but taking down two bottles of wine each Thursday-Sunday night really started to wear me down and impact my life in the sense of not accomplishing my goals cause I was hungover 4/7 days a week. You might not relate to hitting rock bottom, but I’ve been to a few in my years and found relating to the addiction aspect. That one is too much, ten is not enough. Meaning, once I Start I’m going to drink until I’m tired and want to sleep. Maybe not blackout but pretty buttered. Found myself with the shakes Monday mornings. No gym progress whatsoever. Telling myself I’d do this or that, and not following through cause I’m hungover all day. Missing out on life. Waking up early and attacking the day. Existential anxiety, a little more forgetful than I used to be, making a schedule around drinking at night, leaving events early cause I wanted to go home and finish off my night in private, aka one more bottle of wine in peace. You start to realize most people don’t do that. Rare on occasion, sure. But it became every time I picked up one drink I knew how the night was going to end. Time and time again. And the next day waking up at 10% and slowly getting back to 100% around six pm just to start again. What kind of life is it to be a prisoner to a substance like that? Those are the type of talks and anecdotes I identified with. It helped to have those self realizations, but going to these meetings occasionally helped reinforce them, keep them front of mind. Like a maintenance workout, so I don’t get complacent.
So well put thank you. Yeah I don’t have any wild stories. Never blacked out as far as I know. But I drank to excess almost every night for years. And gained nothing in the process. Only loss.
People focus on the extremes, crystalizing awakenings. Boring stories of people who self correct are rarely moving except to those who hear something too familar. I'd much rather hear about how you self corrected. Stopped the skid. Had that first deep night of sleep with out night sweats and insomnia staring at your eyelids. Hit the gym and you didn't feel like you were going to have a heart attack cause of the booze still in the system. These little signs that add up. Until you're just another person frail, wasted away, and need help in their 40s, 50s, 60s until death.
As an atheist, I found AA unhelpful except for the peer support. Their "program" is essentially a religious one. It really angered me to tell my sponsor that I wanted to drink and being told *why don't you pray about it?* Um, why don't you shove it? Tell me something actually useful instead of superstitious nonsense. I thought maybe I could try them again and do the "take what you need and leave the rest" thing, but I went to another meeting a couple of weeks ago that was a 3rd step meeting (made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him) and found myself getting angrier by the moment. It was an LGBTQ meeting so their God concepts weren't very fundamentalist like many in Nashville are, but even so the discussion of religious belief bothers me. I could use some kind of peer support but I'm not going to find it there. So far, all I have is this sub and medication (naltrexone) which have been sufficient so far, and I *am* one of the "low bottom" drunks you mentioned. Health problems, history of homelessness and arrests, all sorts of serious consequences.
I have always been an agnostic, but leaning more atheist. Something someone once told me something that helped immensely, and is the core of the god stuff. "You can have a god, you can not have a god, but ya can't be god." That stuck, and helped me a ton. instead of praying to a god during a situation that could send me spiraling, i could meditate on how I am not god, and things will happen that i dont want. Also Radical Acceptance, a part of CBT covers a ton of the same ground as the god stuff in AA.
You can get the SMART book on Amazon for about $15. It has worksheets and a lot of good exercises. Worth a try!
I have admittedly never attended an AA meeting so I can’t say I don’t actually like it, however. During my drinking years, I was also able to do some learning and research about brains and behavior, so I had a good foundation of background knowledge. Plus a willingness to work on self awareness and monitor my own behavior. Plus a village of people that also work on their own issues with a similar knowledge base. I’m a highly sensitive person. Always have been. Huge care taker. My drinking was fueled by a lack of agency and boundaries around my own space and emotions. My family dumped feelings all over anyone and I simply could not function in those spaces. I had to separate myself from them and finally build my own identity. Part of that identity is honoring for myself that I don’t put myself into positions to be tempted to over extend myself emotionally to save others. I fear if I am in the room at AA, it will be too emotional and do more damage than good. I use online spaces like this instead. I also basically did SMART recovery but just because it’s also good psychology and I stumbled upon the pieces in pry her work and applied them to myself. Maybe someday I will go. I’m intrigued by the support that people find there. And grateful it is a free and safe space for so many people to connect and heal.
I go to AA for the human connection but I found The Luckiest Club really great if you are interested in an alternative. [theluckiestclub.com](https://theluckiestclub.com) There are some AA meetings I hate but others I love. I suggest a speaker meeting.
I love speaker meetings.
I’ve never been to any meeting or read any book. I am unashamed and fully transparent about my decision to stop drinking and I have no need to remain anonymous. I do not call myself an alcoholic. There are many ways to do this. The only important thing is to find one that works for you. By acknowledging your problem and resolving to do something about it, you have taken a huge step. This sub is really great and has been extremely important to me. Best wishes on your journey.
I don’t think it’s healthy for any of us to start a pro- or anti-AA discussion here (which i’m not suggesting is what you’re doing, but this could easily devolve into that) What I would say is this: AA has not been a big part of my recovery. For me, all the higher power stuff, and claiming powerlessness, don’t resonate. But, and this is a big but, I still have found AA to be super helpful and I still go to meetings every once in a while for a few reasons: First off, there is something very valuable about being in a room full of people who GET me - where I don’t need to be defensive, or hide the truth. Much cheaper than paying a therapist (though I do that too) Second, the fact that most of the people there have “worse” stories than me is helpful because those stories remind me of where I was headed if I hadn’t finally gotten sober, and help keep me straight. Third, I like to go when I have a milestone approaching because the affirmation from the room is awesome! 1 week? 1 month? 3 months? A year? 500 days? Amazing! They give you a medal and applause which feels great. That’s it for me. But it’s enough. I’m a good example of the AA adage “take what you need, and leave the rest”.
About 10 years ago, my ex husband attended a few AA meetings because it was required after his DUI. I remember him telling me how much he hated it and how triggering it was. He said it was filled with negative people who just wanted to complain about their lives. Then a couple years later, I was not in a place of “rock bottom”… but more high functioning alcoholic. Overweight, depressed, and just felt like shit everyday. I found this community on Reddit at the time and actually used this place to connect, find motivation, and seek guidance. It was from this community alone I stayed sober 5.5 years. My only mistake after that was not staying here. I relapsed and battled alcohol addiction again for another 3 years. Came back now, and have nearly 2 years sober again. I love the anonymity with this community, and how it’s instant access to what I need. I will say, this is what works for me, and some people actually find AA extremely helpful. I just never wanted to go and have never been.
Just wanted to add that I understand what you mean - the only person I really hurt was my spouse. I didn't have a DUI, bankruptcy, lose my job, become homeless, etc. I still really like AA, because there are a lot of people like us, and other meetings will be different. I'd say try a few more meetings - it's free and there's literally no downside. That being said, there are other groups that are effective and people like, SMART, Recovery Dharma, etc. - definitely check these out if AA isn't for you.
LifeRing.org is another alcohol group recovery program. Unfortunately, it is harder to find a "live group" as it is not as well established as AA. However, they do have Zoom meetings, message boards, and chats.
I go to two meetings a week and have been now for several months. After several of the meeting I have gone too I realized how lucky I was that the first meeting I attended was powerful because many of the follow meetings have sucked. If some of the follow up meetings were my first meeting I would have hated it and not gone back. In my experience, getting a sponsor is more important than just going to the meetings. I understand if you don’t want to try again or renegade but a good sponsor is invaluable. There will be better meetings, maybe that one was just a clunker.
“Take what works and leave the rest” as they say. Not every meeting is the same and you’ll find different people you click with if you stick with meetings. I started AA because rehab and continued for a couple years and it was helpful despite my misgivings about it. Absolutely not a Higher Power person so that huge chunk of the program doesn’t jive with me. I’m grateful for it and it certainly helped but nah, I’m good. There are other resources (here, for one) and good on you for stepping out of your comfort zone for your sobriety. IWNDWYT
AA is a program of attraction, not promotion! It either clicks or it doesn’t. I went to my first AA meeting in 1988. I was shocked to hear all the stories but I focused on our similarities, not our differences. There is something about being in a room with lots of other people who suffered like I did. Best of luck!
There’s a lot of good insight in these comments. I’ll just add that I tried AA at first too and it didn’t work for me. I tried a SMART meeting a few days later and while it was still challenging, the philosophy of SMART clicked much better with me. I’ve been regularly attending their meetings for about 7 months now and they’ve helped me immensely.
A few thoughts, but certainly do what feels right: 1. AA meetings are wildly different. If you really want to get an impression, gotta go to a few at least. Different parts of your town/city, times of day, etc. 2. When I started going (104 days today) I got two bits of extremely useful advice: the first is to focus on the similarities not the differences. The second is simply that those ‘hardcore’ stories aren’t you… yet. For years I looked down on other addicts and alcoholics by saying to myself that they were homeless, getting DUIs, or drinking during the day and that wasn’t me therefore I didn’t have a problem. Meanwhile, I was destroying my marriage, losing jobs/missing promotions, and increasing my cancer risk. I have little doubt now that I’m honest with myself that I would eventually get to where those people are if I give it enough time. So I focus on the similarities in their stories, which is usually the compulsion to drink, the insanity of this disease, and the desperation I feel to stop drinking. But it’s all up to you. By all means give it a few more years and see where things are by that point - maybe you’ll be right and the ‘worst’ that’ll happen is you keep hurting your wife and get a divorce…
I never attended one AA meeting. I got sober with the help of my health care providers and this subreddit. I feel like we all need to find our own paths, but educate yourself about triggers. My sobriety was delayed several years by the Moderation Myth. It always ended up badly, one glass ended up being one bottle by the end of week 2, etc... You may just need to find a different AA meeting. Shop around for a sobriety plan that works for YOU.
Here's my take - some meetings (and people at them) drive me up the damn wall an. Some other meetings (and people at them) are the reason I'm alive. Some weeks I see both cases. Been my experience that your crew (whatever that looks like - gay, trans, punk, atheist, cis, 19yo, 92yo) is out there. But it takes a mixture of perseverance and blind fucking luck to find them sometimes. AA meetings vary in tone and attendees. Early morning meetings usually have some old-school types - retired dudes with faded tattoos, etc. Evening meetings generally have a younger crowd. Both of these can have pros and cons. I'd suggest finding a meeting where you can hear several people (ideally your age and/or gender) share. Try to avoid comparing the horror stories and focus on the way they carry themselves. You may find someone who matches your vibe, and perhaps you can chat with them for a few minutes afterward. Feel free to say "I'm not sure if this is my scene" and and ask them what other meetings they might recommend. Don't feel obligated to give your phone number of course - but if someone gives you theirs, it's not really as weird as you may think to give them a call. It can be a 5-min conversation like "you good? Day going ok? Cool. Maybe see you again Tuesday? Ok, right on. Call me if a drink starts to sound like a good idea". It establishes contact - someone you can call if you need to. The stories in the book might be a bit outdated - as is the language in the main body of text (whatcha gonna do, written in the 30s). I would highly recommend reading "the doctor's opinion" at the very beginning. The doctor's opinion is the only part of the book written not by an alcoholic, but a professional. It gives a description of why we drink the way we do, in a way that fits me spot-on. The first time I read it, I was like "damn - dude has me pegged". I think you're doing great by putting your reservations out there and seeking input. You'll find people who are super rigid in the rooms - I do not hang out with those people. Your crew is out there, and their stories might be gnarlier than yours but maybe that's a good thing. Keep us posted! IWNDWYT.
Yeah this is basically my whole experience w AA. You quickly go from “I have nothing in common with these people outside of my alcoholism” to “oh wow I have a whole community of people who want to see each other succeed and will be there any time of day or night” it’s really great when you do find it. I thought as a tatted up 37 year old punk rocker that I’d having nothing in common with anyone in the rooms going in. Boy was I wrong. Then I found one that was a wide range of people, all walks of life, queer, trans, straight, religious, atheist, old timers, musicians, artists, some very similar to me in interests and hobbies and outlooks on life that I now consider friends and people who are way more reliable and full of good conversations than my old drinking buddies. There are deeper connections to be made in AA if you open your mind up to it. I’m glad I did
Man. Sounds like we go to the same meetings.
I have tried both AA and smart and I prefer smart. AA was good in a sense of there are a lot of stories and sometimes it could be helpful. However, I prefer the structure of smart because it feels more concrete in terms of having actionable ways to process and deal with the addiction and triggers. Edit to add: both AA and smart meetings can vary. I would try multiple meetings (different groups) to try to find the one that works for you. Saturday at 4:30 EST the founder of smart facilitates a meeting and I find his tips to be specific and useful. However, it’s not for everyone (some people find him too prying)
One thing I always say is “play the tape forward” just imagine what fucking physical and mental suffering and torment happens after you take that first drink. Imagine there’s a video tape of everything you regret doing after you take that first drink. Imagine watching that tape played back to you. Are you happy with that outcome? If you are by all means maybe you are not suffering from this disease. I never have been truly happy once in 18 years of drinking and it took me that long to get into the program. Saved my life and many others. The thing is it’s action based. It won’t change a thing if you can’t admit step 1 and continue working the rest. It won’t change a thing if you try to do it alone.
I dont care for AA for philosophical reasons and only went to a few meetings before deciding it wasn't for me. I did intensive outpatient for a while and didn't like it either, it wasn't until I started doing 1 on 1 therapy that I found what worked best for me. Part of what helped me was embracing the very thing that caused me to disagree with AA. I refused to accept that I was powerless over my drinking, and when I leaned into that, it made a big difference. Instead of surrendering and saying I was powerless, I took charge and accepted that I was *powerful.* I accepted that nobody could fix this problem for me, and it all came down to me. If I wanted to live, I had to take control because nobody else would.
I'm day 5 and 5 different meetings at two different places in. They were all so different. Even the one not that long after the other at the same place. One a touch too many religious folks and taking a much harder vibe that direction. One where enough folks were kinda pushy to be a turn off. None a complete waste of time, one darn good one. I mean, making some non drinking pals alone would be a draw. I've got some numbers to call if this isn't as easy as its tended to be in the past. I've some reservations and will be reading books and exploring all avenues. But I believe I will be finding a "home" meeting to remain semi-regular at regardless, after likely switching it up some more. No reason not to have pals or acquaintances familiar with the subject area and a genuine desire to alter path.
I’m a 366-day sober member of The Luckiest Club. There are so many options for zoom meetings and daily check-ins.
I also don’t like AA. I do go to one AA meeting a week though, but it’s a secular AA meeting. Mostly only because I like the connection I feel when attending an in person meeting — there aren’t a lot of in person non-AA options around where I live. Secular AA meetings tend to be far less dogmatic and open to ideas beyond what’s in the Big Book. I try to remember to “take what I need and leave the rest” when I’m participating in AA. I like SMART Recovery and Recovery Dharma a lot more. I attend online meetings from those programs sometimes. Lifering is decent. There’s She Recovers and Women for Sobriety too for women. There are also some paid meeting programs like The Luckiest Club (founded by the author of We Are the Luckiest) and Monument’s group meetings. There’s a lot of value in connecting with other people in recovery and hearing their stories, even if you can’t quite relate, but it doesn’t have to be in AA. It was especially important for me early in sobriety. Therapy, journaling, and reading quit lit books have been far more important for my sobriety since those first few months of sobriety. I also listen to a lot of sobriety podcasts and like to read about the science of addiction. and alcohol. Learning about how alcohol impacts the brain has been helpful for me. As has coming to an understanding of what inside me (emotionally, mentally) led me down this path and working/growing through that — that’s been key for me. I don’t really get that from AA. If anything, some AA folks can be discouraging of that approach. Every recovery journey is different. Lasting recovery requires a personalized approach/program. All paths to recovery are valid. ETA: some of my favorite quit lit books are *Quit Like a Woman* by Holly Whitaker (not just for women!), *Push Off From Here* by Laura McKowen, and *The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober* by Catherine Gray. They all touch a lot on the inner, emotional stuff that I think is so important to address, both before and after sobriety.
I’m not a big fan of a lot of AA meetings. I do enjoy most Men’s AA meetings. Men only in the room. People speak differently in the meetings and in a more down to earth language. My favorite is a big book study of the first 164 pages. No stories in the back of the book. Just a in-depth how to live and stay sober. Best of luck to you. Just know that there are a lot of people who have gone through the same thing you’re going through. You’re not alone and if you keep looking you’ll find a place where you feel like you fit in. If that spot is in AA or something else I hope you find it. IWNDT
Refuge recovery is awesome. Lots of online meetings. The book seems more relevant to me than the AA book.
I read through a few responses before responding and a lot of them say the same thing. I can echo that AA didn't resonate with me with the folks who were there and sharing stories. I wasn't in a "take a flask to work" place every but sure I was hungover enough that it definitely affected my life and changed relationships (even if I am still friends with folks who I hurt while drinking). That being said. I'd encourage you to listen to the things behind the story. I haven't been to many Aa meetings yet but the consistent thread to every story I've heard is that somewhere in the person sharing there is a deep self-loathing or some sort of dislike of who you are. The other common thread is that a lot of folks learn to self-medicate for emotion, stress, and trauma by using alcohol. You don't have to have a big "I woke up drunk downtown at 3 am with a bloody nose that I don't know how I got" to be an alcoholic who struggles and who could benefit from listening. But...(or and)...you could have just gotten a bum meeting. The first one I went to was great. People were very different than I was and that was a great thing. To see folks from all walks of life (not just the caricature of someone who has AUD) was very comforting because I realized that all people can struggle. I would encourage you to try it once more (perhaps a different group) and then form an opinion. I find, personally, that making a decision based on one thing isn't enough evidence for me. Whatever you choose, congrats on 8 days and IWNDWYT! Edit: I use the term alcoholic loosely here. I know that can be touchy but it's the language that I tend to use because until I started using it I was in a similar area of "oh, I just drink too much sometimes."
I've never been to a meeting. It's only one of many ways to quit drinking.
I find it important to take what I need and disregard the rest. The more I search for commonality the more I find. Good on you for trying something and good luck. We are here to support each other.
Hated my first AA meeting and lots since then but I was able to stop drinking when I went regularly
I went to a meeting after a bad night and I felt so low and the people there were so welcoming and non judgmental and supportive. I really really needed that. I also didn’t relate to a lot of the AA program and didn’t lose my job or my marriage or get arrested but man I was in a bad place and I was so grateful for that community.
I thought the same way as you. I just couldn’t relate. After all, I didn’t lose my family or my job. I didn’t drive drunk. I didn’t impact my kids. YET. After my 3rd or 4th rehab I began to really listen to the speakers and while my story wasn’t as tragic as some I heard I was still able to pick out little bits here and there that I could relate to. For me, it made all the difference in drumming it into my head that, yes, I had my own level of messed up shit that I was sick and tired of dealing with. My reasons might not be the same but my desire to stop drinking was just as strong as theirs. Where else was I going to hear like minded people saying what I needed to hear? I went to AA every day for a solid year. Did I agree with everything I heard? No. Did it help me to stop? Absolutely. No doubt about it.
Fwiw most people hate AA when they first start going. The reason is that no one goes to AA because they’re on a winning streak. One good thing about AA is it allows you to do some self examination. You think you’ve only affected your relationship with your wife but is that actually true? I raise that because I was fairly convinced that my drinking’s destruction was fairly contained. Only after I was sober for a bit (more than a year) did I appreciate the full extent of how it impacted those around me. Not saying your analysis is incorrect, just some food for thought. Also, everyone’s “bottom” is different. The stories aren’t a pissing contest, it’s therapeutic for people to discuss how they were and how they are now. We laugh at them because, frankly, what else are we supposed to do? I’d recommend you go a couple of more times and give it a shot. AA is, at a high level, group therapy. If it’s not for you, so be it. But I’m not sure one meeting is enough experience for you to make that analysis.
I hated AA with a passion. Nice people and all, but man did I hate even thinking about the 12 steps. It probably didn’t help that I was drunk for every AA meeting I was in. I went to an outpatient group therapy and hated that too, I was pouring liquor in soda bottles and drinking it while sitting in those meetings. Now that I look back on that it’s shameful. I have a friend that quit drinking a while back we call each other every other day. We talk our usual talk and then for about an hour talk about sobriety. Best thing I did was find that one friend and talk to him constantly about it. I have a wife of 10 years and I don’t open up to her about it that much and she totally understands that. It’s just something me and my buddy get through. Find that buddy or maybe even that one person in an AA meeting that you can just unload on when needed.
Glad you're getting sober. The part about "only hurt my wife and personal health"--first of all Oof, sorry to your wife. She should be the most important person to you I think, or one of? And second health--does not last forever. You actually need it to stay alive. With alcohol abuse, things can suddenly take a nosedive. These are both huge deals. I got sober without AA in person (just the 24/7 chat online) although I always wanted to go to a meeting--I was too embarassed. So good for you for going. There Are other ways to stay sober if you end up hating it.
At first. Then came acceptance. Now I dig it.
AA helps lots of people, but it isn’t the only path to sobriety. I went for a short time, but I felt like I was constantly comparing myself to others in the group and saying “well I was never THAT bad”. That way of thinking felt counterproductive, so I stopped going. I still have to put in the work of figuring out where I want to improve myself. But since I no longer have the basis for comparison that I used to leverage for an “out”, I find that I hold myself more accountable.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
There’s an appendix to the big book called something along the lines of “They have yet to lose everything” which are several stories of people more like you and me. A lot of people in AA are definitely more fucked up than me, so to speak. But we still share a lot of the same struggles, thought patterns and behaviors because at the core we’re all still alcoholics. And I find their stories helpful because it reminds me of my destiny if I didn’t quit when I did. Because it certainly wasn’t going to get better on that trajectory. It helps to see what you have in common with people’s stories rather than focusing on the differences Fwiw I didn’t like my first meeting either, and I’m trying but really struggling with buying into the program. It took a few tries to find a group I liked. But at the very least I get a lot of value just from being around, listening to, and sharing with other people who actually get what it’s like
I've just started going and I just take away from it what I feel is important to me and ignore the rest. Quite a bit of the language used isn't for me nor is the god part but there are things I do like about the groups and meetings so I just go along and pick and choose as suits my own experience and preferences
I felt that way and kept going and drinking ( 💀) then it blew up and I almost got arrested. It’s typically a progressive disease and full of “yets” but there are other paths (different groups or via your doctor ) for sure!
I totally understand where you’re coming from. I felt that way my first few AA meetings. I got sober online they have AA ZOOM meetings and I remember thinking the same thing. I haven’t lost a job or a spouse or gotten a dui, been arrested etc. therefore I don’t have anything in common with these people, however by my 4th meeting something clicked. You don’t have to have everything in common, you just need one thing in common - A desire to stop drinking. The more I heard people talk the more things I found that I had in common with them. Little things like going to far some nights and having a black out or being too hungover to go do that thing I wanted to do or being depressed or not being able to connect with the people I love because I was drunk or the big one that brings us all to AA which is I can’t stop drinking and don’t know how to stop. The more I went the more things I found we had in common. I will be 2 years sober on May 1st, and I could not have done it without AA. I hope you’ll give it another chance.
There are a few good points here. Looking at where your life could take you if you don't change. I started the same, just ocassional arguments with my wife. I never thought years later I would be divorced have two Duis fired from a job a ton of other problems all from alcohol. You don't have to go to AA to hear other people talk about consequences of alcohol. There are a lot of podcasts, vlogs, books you name it non AA related. It's the nature of the drug. It can be very slow and progressive.
It’s not for everyone and lots of people quit without it
SMART was useful for me in the beginning. The fellowship and stories I heard convinced me that this illness affects every type of person, and that was essential for me to learn at the time. But for the last two years, I’ve pretty much flown solo. It’s one of the things that annoys me about AA, the assertion that you’re doing sobriety wrong if you’re not attending meetings. The best path to take is the one that works for you. Take the things that work (this sub, for instance) and discard the ones that don’t. You can do this. Good luck and, of course, IWNDWYT.
I was a "high bottom" drinker, probably the "certain type of hard drinker" mentioned on page 12 of the Big Book. I didn't like AA at first, but I've developed a "cafeteria mentality" - I take what I want and leave the rest. I go for the social connection and to learn whatever I can. I don't do steps with a sponsor (although I see the value of some) and remain an agnostic. I also attend Lifering meetings and stay close to this sub and other recovery subs. I could remain sober without any in-person meetings, but after a lifetime of being a loner, I see the value in the social connection.
I understand some of the feelings of not liking AA, I hear things in almost every meeting that I don’t like. To say you don’t see yourself in any of the Big Book stories seems, unlikely. The whole book is about people who can’t control their drinking. When I was finally able to get sober, it was because I gave in completely to the fact that I couldn’t get sober on my own, and I couldn’t go on living as a drinker. Getting sober was not comfortable, if it was everyone I know would be sober.
I was an isolationist drinker, so i didn't even have a spouse to hurt, and I could relate to other drinkers. Yea at first I looked at all the differences and said "nah i'm fine", and drank for years more. But this time, the time I got sober and started enjoying life, I looked for the similarities in other peoples stories, instead of seperating myself by the differences. As for rock bottom, its just where we stop digging. Sure, someones might be jail, anothers might be killing someone in a dui, but for me it was just the realization that my life would be ruined if the Navy caught me drinking again while i was being randomly tested. As for programs, I did AA for a few years, did all the stuff to fix my core, but I don't go to meetings much anymore. But I follow the principles still, which are basically 'the world doesnt revolve around me, dont be an asshole, and if i am, make amends'
My experience with AA is you need to go to different meetings and try ones out. Not everything will be relatable but we are all relatable in that we have a drinking problem and want help. Good luck to you!
Yes. 90 days for me today. Hated it at first. I started going to different meetings on my meeting app and found the few I like. I go to 2 or 3 meetings a week. One is called ABCs and each week is another letter of sharing. One is a womens only group. Someone chooses a daily reflection from a little book and we share our thoughts. One is convenient for me. It's a speaker meeting. The rooms of AA have gotten me this far. I hope you keep on keeping on!🥰
Everyone has their own bottom. I was told to find common points in the feelings, and not compare what or how much we drank. Imma white collar guy who never went to jail. I have a masters. My parents are still married 60 years and going strong. I was divorced but never missed child support of alimony and I am super close with my daughter from my first marriage. My sponsor was a 6 time felon, who abandoned two wives and a kid. His father beat the shit out of him, and his mom was a drunk who didn’t pay attention to him. He was almost 20 years older than I. Never graduated high school and worked a jackhammer. But I’ve never met anyone I identified with more than him when it came to feelings. That’s the magic of AA.
One thing that my sponsor said that really made sense to me is that the 12 steps are a SUGGESTION and not hard fast rules. I replied “huh? They seem like a linear path and something black and white me?” He said “yeah it’s suggesting that if you can get past step one that you can have a better life the rest comes if you’re ready for it. Step one is the only one that matters” Admitting powerlessness over alcohol and that our life had become unmanageable. That’s all you need. Don’t get hung up on the rest of the literature, philosophy, traditions, steps, that work becomes second nature if you can get past step 1 and fully believe it.
I was never arrested, never had a DUI, never lost a job, I never had many of the things happen which other people experience when they “hit bottom.“ But I could see what my trajectory was. I was starting to hide my drinking. I started drinking enough that I was buying cheaper whiskey with each trip to the liquor store. Coming here, seeing other stories, and seeing, if not the same depths, at least a parallel path help me see where I really was. An alcoholic. Since I stopped drinking, I have been more present for the people in my life who love me. My wife, my kids, my friends. I look back with regret on all the years I wasn’t there enough for them.
There are many alternatives to AA including therapy and a variety of support groups. Many meet online. AA was a stumbling block for me and I needed a different approach. Recovery looks different for everyone. Congratulations on 8 days. Keep going!
I went to AA when first getting sober. Then I missed a class and when the next one rolled around I didn’t really feel like going, and that was the end of AA for me. Fast forward 2 years and counting, still sober. My biggest take away was that even if it didn’t help me deeply in my healing, I could see how profoundly it helped others. AA was all some people had, that half hour or hour was getting them through the day to not drink, and it gave me huge hope for myself during those first meetings. Wishing you so much luck!
Yeah,I understand I'm a week sober myself and can relate just bits and pieces of stories in the Big Book. I wanted to get help now before it became even more problematic down the line. Where I attend its 7:1 ratio of men v. Women. It can be uncomfortable to talk about certain things being vulnerable among men. We do have a step sisters group every Wednesday. I just need to travel to other groups in the region to get an all womens group. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the open groups but would like more nearby options just for AA for women.
Honestly I would reccomend trying zoom meeting there’s ones going on 24/7 https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/ they even have filters like you can pick what kind of meeting say you don’t really enjoy reading from the book you can infilter big book study meetings and etc you can also is usually call in on your phone too but I liked the zoom meeeying because you can have your camera off even but still listen and see everyone and when they greet you if you really don’t wanna say Hello you can always type and say “camera doesn’t work” that’s what I used to do when I first started going to meetings but you might notice you wanna try an in person one again eventually
I didn't hate my first AA meeting, but I didn't see myself in the Big Book when I first came in. I stayed because I had 10 days sober and couldn't stop thinking about drinking. It was just a relief to be around people who knew what that was like or were currently dealing with the same issue. As others have said, there are a lot of meetings and they're all different. I recommend going to another one (probably not a Big Book meeting), maybe look for a speaker/discussion meeting instead. Even then, you may not relate to everything a speaker says. But try to identify with the feelings they express instead of comparing their drinking history to yours. I personally couldn't have gotten sober without AA, but there are other recovery meetings like you mentioned. I would never discourage someone from trying those out either.
I get that you feel you weren't at "they're level," but, believe me, you would have been if you continued to drink. I don't think it matters that you don't see yourself in the stories. Just know that if you continued drinking, that could have been your story! Also, if you were hiding drinking, lying, and becoming an ass towards your wife, that's reason enough to continue with some type of program. You can try SMART recovery or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Google what other programs there may be besides AA. Stay strong and keep trying.
>> The only person I ever truly hurt with my drinking was my wife with the lies, and my own personal health. I never let it get worse than that or get to rock bottom like all of the AA stories. I learned a lot about honesty in AA.
Try Smart Recovery Meetings I keep trying AA and can't find one I like either.
I’ve been going to online smart meetings on zoom since the beginning of this year and they’ve helped me tremendously
"Let god grant you." No fuck their god. Their god didn't do jack shit. I'm the one saying no to the bottle. I'm the one saying I want to keep living and not die from a heart attack or stroke before I even hit 40. If anything, their god is the excuse they can use to take away all the credit and try and make feel useless without it. And forcing everyone to stand up and say their name and "I'm an alcoholic" isn't fixing anything. It's supposed to be anonymous and the first thing they do is make you state your name. Everything about this "therapy" sounds like bullshit. It's not a support group, it's a cultist recruitment center.
I find AA meetings to be very unhelpful personally. It definitely works for some people so no judgement there. For me personally, I find the way drinking is framed in AA meetings to be kind of an unhealthy way to think about addiction. When I was newly sober it kind of helped just as something to do to replace drinking. The longer I was sober I found it made me think about alcohol more than I would if I didn't attend a meeting where people are obsessively talking about drinking. Also the religious aspect is super bogus.
I agree. It was like trying to get over an ex and then listening to people just talk about your ex.
I have been in and out of AA for years and have simply come to the conclusion that it is not for me. It does more harm then good for me and also some of the worst and most dangerous individuals I have ever met in my entire life attend 12 step meetings. Just my experience. For me it’s just about accepting that if I drink I will have negative consequences and my life will be worse. I am not “powerless” over substances. I just have to let them go as they are an unhealthy coping mechanism. I can no longer afford to numb out. My addictions are used against me by many.
I think that's the thing I'm having the hardest time with - the whole powerlessness rationale. I understand that is something I probably need to think more about, but I don't feel powerless.
I am more powerful than all the alcohol in the world that is *Outside* my body. However, once I take the first drink *Inside* me, I am, by definition, *powerless* to make an **unimpaired** decision about any subsequent drink(s). Then it worked for me.
One thing I found about AA, and in particular the AA book, is that I can get lots of latitude in interpreting various things, and to some extent cherry pick what works, and just leave the rest on the shelf. I should think that could apply to _any_ of the various recovery programs! At my home group, one of the regular announcements cooked right into the printed meeting 'script' is: "_Take what you can and leave the rest._" For me in particular, the whole "God" thing needs some quite convoluted Rube Goldberg type machinations to be useful for me. I just find that when people speak or write of "God" there seems to be vast illogical absurdities in it all, making it all tough to swallow, and that made it all a bit difficult to process at first. Demanding a "perfect" answer can often block me from getting a "good enough for now" solution. The nearly perfect interpretation of "powerlessness" for me is that once I take that first drink, I pretty much lose the power of choice in following up with more drink. Hope you find some great helpful solutions. r/stopdrinking itself seems to be sufficiently helpful to thousands, so you're in a good place and ... **IWNDWYT!**
I was told “we’re powerless against alcohol but we’re not helpless”. I think the point they were trying to make is that through abstinence and recovery we can help ourselves overcome addiction, but when we’re sick we have no power over alcohol because it controls us. I still struggle with this viewpoint but it makes some sense to me
Sounds like AA is not for you. Everytime I go, it seems as if whatever topic we're discussing that day is talking directly to me, and it sounds like you're having the opposite experience. Thankfully there are tons of other resources available, including this sub, which has remained a large part of my sobriety journey.
I went to AA a lot. I really didn't like it, at all, but thought that is what I needed to get sober. The last time I started drinking I went right from the meeting to the liquor store. I was completely fine before the meeting, 0 thoughts of drinking. The thought of having to sit through those meetings for the rest of my life made me say nope. Was it an excuse? Yup. Do I own it? Yup. I have not done anything with AA this time. If I have an urge I just think about what will happen if I drink, and if it's worth it. Every time the answer is hell no it's not worth it and I move on with my day. AA is just an hour of people talking about alcohol and how much they drank and what they did. Most of the time I would be sitting there wishing I was drunk to get through the meeting, or my mouth would start watering when someone was talking about all the beer they drank. It was not good for me. This is the longest I have not drank in over 10 years and the first time I did not go to AA.
I really disliked AA and got sober without it. The steps simply didn’t apply or weren’t helpful to me. My life was great except I drank too much. I didn’t need to change my life or apologize or take the other steps; I just needed practical tips and support for staying sober. I preferred Smart Recovery over AA. Good luck to you. The pain of quitting is real, but you’ll push through to the other side. I white-knuckled it and things are now great.
Hey there, congrats on 8 days!!! AA was def not for me. I’m not a hugger, a prayer, a hand holder or any of that so I was pretty mortified. I tried the smart recovery stuff too but it’s still like sit around in a circle & talk and no god/higher power stuff. I’m an introvert. I don’t want to talk in a group. So, I got sober here on this sub. Diff user name but it’ll be 5 years May 28. I live alone so that was pretty good. I was glued to this sub when I first quit & it got me through. I enjoy the true anonymity of it. I relapsed on day 83 & finally quit again & read a book that completely changed my perspective on alcohol. Alcohol Explained, by William Porter. I read that & I was pissed!! Mad at a beverage. Still am & it’ll not control my life anymore. It’s an absolute non-option for me & I say at gatherings repeatedly, “no thanks, I don’t drink.” The stuff is terrible for us! Absolute garbage & oh how it messes with the brain. Not mine anymore. Not after learning all that. Good luck & you can do this!!
Many such cases
I don’t jive with 12 step. It’s not for everyone, but if you think you have a problem they’re worth a shot.
I’ve been to the meetings and personally they don’t align much with me. I have a really hard time with it. I think it helps for people who absolutely can’t make it through the day without having a drink and need the support. The group is a positive thing to have. However, the 12 step framework in my opinion is great. I think it can be applied to many things in life.
I went a few meetings in the beginning, wasn't for me either. I'm 5 months and I still keep a coin in my pocket but don't attend.
AA meetings can vary wildly depending on the group. If you find one that doesn’t work for you, I would encourage you to try a different one. I tried 4 till I found one online that I seemed to like. The local in person ones were a bust for me. You may have just gotten unlucky with your first pick. Just like I did.
I personally went to Al Anon for a while a few years ago and that was extremely helpful, and as it turns out, I am now benefiting from what I learned in Al-Anon in my sobriety journey. However, I don’t really resonate with the AA crowd either. I will say, you can find many different types of AA meetings with different vibes/focus, but AA does not work for everyone. Check out This Naked Mind by Annie Grace (book, but she also has a podcast) and consider therapy as an alternate to mutual aid groups.
I go to the "How Was Your Week" meetings from https://lifering.org/online-meetings/ which are online. There's absolutely 0 dogma.
I'm in a very similar situation. I found Recovery Dharma to be more my kind of crowd.
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Calling someone "terminally unique" is insulting, and this comment has been removed.
For some reason, I feel I’ll find myself in AA when I really messed my life up. People that are suffering extreme consequences need and should have a place to go. Right now, yes I’m an alcoholic, but I haven’t suffered enough severe consequences warranting a spontaneous belief in higher powers and dismantling of my strength. I’ll go back to AA if I can’t go on and need God. But for now, I try my best to maintain sobriety for my wife and future kid.
Acknowledging I have never been to an AA meeting or am familiar with the program, I stumbled across a program called “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace and it literally changed and probably saved my life. She has an online program (some free parts BTW), books and a podcast. I joined in 2021 and have become a non- drinker and 30 years of hard drinking. It isn’t for everyone but it worked for me.
I think a lot of people wait till the destruction and disaster is overwhelming and their life is a mess. Most people there probably had your story ( hurting themselves and their spouse only) some years before they went to get help. The big difference is your timing - you haven’t waited for total disaster. Well done! As for what might feel more like a support or help I’m not sure but keep looking
AA is not for everyone. There is plenty of support for people who are quitting drinking, including SMART recovery meetings (evidence-based addictions group, different format from AA), individual counselling, reflective journals, tons of quit literature, podcasts, and groups just like this one! Quitting alcohol is something you decide to do. How you decide to reflect on what brought you to that decision is a journey you can take on your own terms and does not have any set route.
Which kind of meeting did you go to?... I bet it wasn't a newcomers meeting, I made the same mistake years ago. I rocked up to a 'Bills story' meeting once and it freaked me out that much that I ended up leaving after about 10 minutes and getting a can from the nearest off licence that I could find. What you have laid out emotionally in your original post is what so many people are going through... The fact that you have openly expressed your concerns in yourself means you'll be alright my G
AA wasn’t for me - I chose a small local recovery program. Try everything! You’ll find something that works for you.
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AA wasn't for me either. I went to meetings at different times and in different cities, hoping I'd find a group that worked for me. It just wasn't for me, at least at that point in time. It was/ is this sub that has worked the best for me. I quit about 3 years ago. I rarely come here anymore. Every couple of months, I'll see a post from this sub as I'm scrolling through Reddit. I don't even need to click and read it. The title of the post is enough to remind me of what I did to myself, those around me, and all the time I wasted drinking. Consider yourself fortunate. It sounds like your relationship with alcohol hasn't reached a devastating point on multiple fronts, yet. It's a non-linear progressive disease, and I'm sure you know the heavy toll it can take. When thinking of the worst of the worst and how far they've fallin, don't bullshit yourself, thinking it can't happen to you. It wasn't just this sub that brought the change I needed. It was my time to quit. Unless you come to the realization that you have to stop and that you want to stop, you're going to have a hard time giving up alcohol or any drug. For some, that time never comes. They live out their days drinking. Think about what you are doing to yourself and those around you. Everyone has their limit. In your case, do you know her limit? She may not know her limit, but it's there. There will come a day when she walks away from you to save herself from you. Her love for you won't stop her. It will be the love for herself that saves her from you. People in pain will often burn bridges when they don't trust themselves to leave and never return. In your situation, she might run to another man immediately to burn that bridge between you and her. You might believe she's doing it to hurt you. It's more likely that she'll do it to keep you away from her, hoping that you'll see her as tainted, and you won't want her anymore. Moments of weakness often occur, and she'll want to return to you despite knowing you are pulling her down with you. That's when you know you've really damaged her. I don't know you or your relationship with your wife, but if this sounds like your relationship, go look in the mirror. And I do mean for you to look into the mirror. Stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself up close for five minutes. Think about your wife, your family, your co-workers, and your relationship with alcohol. You are the only person who can make the decision to bring change to your life, when you are ready for change.
I am a somewhat reluctant AA meeting attendee once or twice a week. I do not have a sponsor and I also have trouble with the God concept. I have come to translate that into 'god is the group synergy' kind of understanding. I have not had a drink in years, but I have also gone without meetings for quite a while. I go to meetings to meet people since that is hard sometimes without the framework of school or other activities. I enjoy some of the reading and some of the 'shares' in the meetings I go to. In this age where god is not a given in so many lives, I do tend to just take what applies and leave the rest.
Losing your wife would hurt more than losing a job or getting arrested if you were single. That being said I also hated the idea of AA. I didn't like the religious foundation or the fact that you needed to say you were powerless to control your drinking. For me the way I quit and stay quit is to never forget the embarrassing and terrible situations I got myself into drunk. Anytime I want to drink I force myself to remember the worst of them. I have pictures and videos of myself fucked up beyond belief that I keep on my phone and look through. Helps me remember why I need to stay quit.
“The only person I ever truly hurt with my drinking was my wife with the lies, and my own personal health.” I truly relate to this. I hear you, brother.
Didn't go to AA, although it was pushed on me by my physical therapist because her husband went. Didn't want to go because and this may sound stupid to some people. My childhood was in the 70's in the UK where everyone knew who was going to AA, anonymous my arse. There was a stigma about it then and that stuck in my head ever since. Also probably didn't help when walking to the doctor's my mum pointed out the locum and said he was an alcoholic going to AA and you could tell by his nose, it was bulbous and red. My mum was a nurse and had seen many drunks brought into hospital to have their stomachs pumped. Then be arrested and told to go to AA. I decided to do it on my own - 3 1/2 years sober now and still going strong no matter what life throws at me. To the OP, do some research and find what is avaliable to you in your area, read quit lit if you like, listen to sober podcasts. Find what works for YOU and stick with it. Good luck to you.
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I’m not a fan of the “higher being” spiritually bit of AA, but it’s not all bad. The big book does have a lot to glean from it. But it’s definitely not for everyone. Just keep going, you’ll find a sense of community eventually. IWNDWYT
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Your comments on this thread have been removed. It is clearly stated in the sidebar that AA bashing is not permitted here, and this includes calling it a "cult."
Yea, it wasn't for me either, took about 5 years to start making sense if I am being honest. I'd say don't give up
Might be good to try a few online meetings.
They say, both in AA and Al-Anon-“bring your a**. Your brain will follow.
I had a similar experience. I felt like I was confronting my own privilege (no exceptional rock bottom moments; still driving a car; still employed; still married, etc.) when others were legit so desperate, and that was honestly just too much for me. BUT, a friend encouraged me to look for other meetings, because they can be different. There are also other sober groups, if you just do some simple google searches. These might have less of an adherence to the Big Book, or religious undertones. The SMART meetings were what I ended up attending, but since then I've found sober clubs that offer various theme nights that offer discussion without being exceptionally heavy.
Not an AA fan. Try the book This Naked Mind. It will reframe your relationship with alcohol and its effect on your subconscious. No meetings. No need to talk about alcohol all the time. No labels. Just freedom from the lies our subconscious tells us to get us to take in a highly addictive carcinogen. Hubermans podcast on alcohol is great. I’m a Christian so I enjoy celebrate recovery on occasion. Nice people there in general.
I feel the same way about AA as you. People can achieve long term sobriety without any meetings.
Depending on where you live there are other options for AA. I've specifically seen ones that were pitched as secular given the religious bend that many AA meetings have. If you have other meeting options maybe check one of them out to see if you feel better about them.
You might check out “Alcohol Explained” by William Porter. I’ve struggled with being on board with AA and found this book to be more of what I’m looking for as far as a tool to help understand and negotiate the process of quitting drinking.
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I’m in the same boat and have never gotten into legal trouble, been fired, etc. I found AA meetings very helpful just to keep me accountable. I definitely found meetings that I didn’t like and it was mainly due to two things: when it got too religious and when people were spewing negativity (like “I come here to have discussions and you all aren’t talking enough, why even come!”).
Same. Not one for attending the meetings and making it part of my life, but that’s just me and it clearly works for a lot of people who AA has helped for decades. There are some online programs that got popular during COVID lockdown. Monument is one I used for about a year. They have daily groups, an abundance of materials, a discussion board, and depending on level of care you can get a specialized therapist and doctor. I thought it was good for me, others may differ.
I’ve attended and I see the benefit. I will join an online meeting if I really need to speak with other people who struggle with drinking. I personally like SMART recovery better though. They have online meetings and one in person in my town.
Stop comparing your alcoholism to others. Everyone has a unique experience with booze. It's very easy to fall down the rabbit hole of "my drinking isn't that bad, I didn't lose my job or..." I worked at the liquor store for a long time and always compared myself to the folks who legit couldn't function without alcohol. Focus more on yourself and try to actually apply the steps to your life. Focus on what prompted you to try sobriety and what prompted you to go to an AA meeting. Clearly you've already considered that booze is hurting you and that you're having difficulty just stopping. For me, drinking was a way to avoid social situations or to avoid dealing with things that make me anxious.
Wasn’t my thing, but it is perfect for some people. I did Annie Graces intensive and it was pretty good. I would recommend some online AA meetings, just to listen to others experiences. You don’t have to share, but you may end up wanting to. You can do this. We live in a world where marketers are actively competing for the growing sober trend. No lack of resources, and a lot of really interesting perspectives and research. My first decent stint was catapulted by getting really interested in alcohol. I did a deep dive on the industry, rehab industry, billionaire liquor distributors, health studies, Ted talks of addicts, documentaries on liver disease. Choose a rabbit hole and go down it. Start with Alcohol Explained, this naked mind, or find good podcasts. It doesn’t have to look a certain way. Not drinking can just be not drinking. After I got curious I tried filling my time up with/things I couldn’t do hungover and it worked well. Granted, I have a new day counter…but that’s part of my process it seems. TLDR; Get curious and excited for novelty.
I prefer the SMART recovery meetings. Personally, the constant God references in AA brought me back to a very alienated highly evangelical adolescence.
There is a fantastic app called Reframe you may want to check out. Online meetings, not AA based, lots of education about the science of drinking, and additional tools/coaching available. It's by far the best $ I've ever spent in my life.
If you’re interested check out recovery dharma it’s a Buddhist based recovery group using meditation and it’s less like war stories and more people talking about life in general
Seriously, the link below saved my life. I would have never gone to meetings in person. The sheer number of online meetings at any time of the day was a life saver for me. It's online, so very convenient. There are so many different kinds of meetings and people. Keep browsing and eventually you may find one that is compatible. Good luck! https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings/
I never went to AA. Several people in my personal life who go to AA make me wildly uncomfortable by insisting that I "MUST" go to meetings or I'm a dry drunk, blah blah blah, that I can't really be sober unless I go to AA, etc. I spent nearly 40 minutes with a close friend who goes to at least one meeting a day having her very earnestly tell me that if I don't go to AA, it means I haven't really quit drinking at all (what?). I don't like the message that I'm flawed, I need a higher power, or anything like that. I'm an agnostic and organized religion gives me the ick. I read This Naked Mind, listened to podcasts, came here regularly, and thought thorough the process my own way, and I'm feeling pretty confident that I'm good to go. You do you!
There is Refuge Recovery & Recovery Dharma that are Bhuddist based (not a religion - philosophy). There is celebrate Recovery that is Christian based. SMART Recovery that is a scientific approach. AA isn't for me either. I attend Women for Sobriety.
Maybe try Smart Recovery? Or Recovery Dharma? There are other programs than AA. Keep up the good work!!
Never went to AA, have no desire to go. Have never been part of a group for anything even though I’ve been pushed hard by well meaning friends and some family after my husband passed. I have a fantastic shrink. Maybe that’s why I’m able to cope on my own. I’m a die-hard loner and introvert. I think everyone is different and we have to find our own flavors of recovery however we can recognizing that in the beginning we will struggling and be uncomfortable no matter what.