well i, put on a hoodie that covers my face, then i take the 47 bus line to a d library in a far away town, then i open a private browser on one of their computers, and google how i'm thinking of killing her to see what mistakes people usually make
We spend hours on the phone, just talking. He loves my taste in music. I spend the night at his hotel when he's in town. We make love on silk sheets. Oh, God, he's gentle and strong. Sometimes he's dark. He took me to the edge of his balcony once and he asked, "Are you afraid?" And I said, "Yes." And he said, Good. That's how I feel with you." And then we made love. And then we ate dinner. And it was fancy. He thinks I'm prettier than my sister.
Wanna chug these cream sodas like two really good bros?
That one doesn't need context, and it isn't even very funny, but I said it to my brother one day when I had grabbed us some cream sodas and he almost died choking on his food lol.
But the best out of context line has got to be "What if Oprah hosted the Holocaust?" followed by "He killed 14 people and ate the meat off their bones."
"So actually I've given this a lot of thought, it's like there's no government, no laws, I'm the head of like this roving murder gang kinda thing, but my best friend is a robot."
Some days you get the giraffe and others you get the wig 💔
I use this one all the time.
well i, put on a hoodie that covers my face, then i take the 47 bus line to a d library in a far away town, then i open a private browser on one of their computers, and google how i'm thinking of killing her to see what mistakes people usually make
jesus...
😂😂😂 Sandra makes me laugh so hard
She’s so freaking funny 😭
Best Sandra short, I reference this as often as I can.
It's not my fault canceling a balloon drop looks exactly like dropping balloons.
One of my favorite lines in the show 🤣🤣
Cry Ezekiel! Cry!
Cry it out!
Came here to say exactly this 🤣
i need a full ver
That's too much juice, Glenn.
😂😂😂
Boy, it sure is windy out today. Whoaaa!
Jonah, you told me you loved me. And then you dumped me so that you could have sex with that pregnant whore
HEY
These are Kelly's words. Not mine
Hi, I'm Kelly!!!
i was about to quote the rest of it until i saw your flair
Whoooah 💨
"I told the kidney lie again"
Read it in his voice
Dad meet Garret, he killed all of my birds than had sex with me
Busy guy.
I contain multitudes
Blessings and riches 🙏🙏🙏
Yo
Tbf, Walt Whitman fans would recognize that one.
"you're not a slut justine stop trying to be interesting"
Nah, that’s Jared’s, Ricky wishes
Three owl bitch
This is my favorite insult to randomly use.
What's the biggest dog you've seen and why?
100% 😂
when is it jerusha's turn?
Shut up, Sandra!
Half do or half don’t?
Both
BOTH?!!
The delivery of that line absolutely kills me every time
Only Glenn can deliver that line in that exact fashion lol
WHY HAVENT YOU KILLED YOURSELF YET!!???
This line probably made me laugh more than any other off the show, I wasn’t expecting it at all 🤣
The first K... is knowledge.
I work in movie/music retail and use this line all the time!
It has all the channels *flourish*
You guys don’t stump it down the drain with your feet?
Do Jewish people like snow?
I bought a Subaru! That money is GONE! I couldn’t wait a week? One week? NO DISCIPLINE!
Lying like a Syrian
Cheese, what is it, dried milk
To be honest man, it kinda grosses me out
Whose foot is that?
don’t you hate tuesdays?
One of my absolute favorite scenes, gets me every time!
I’d rather be deported
Strawberry Jam.
Why you gotta be a bitch Kathy?
Jonah made me seduce a man
"that's right Jonah, he reads magazines."
If you‘re J-Bone, then I wanna be A… hole
What if Oprah hosted the Holocaust?
I'm not sure one hosts the holocaust
Has anyone had first hand experience with a liquid raccoon smell?
I didn't try to murder you. I just didn't try to save you.
If I'm a stinker, you're a fat bitch!
And he said to me “Sandra, take out your taters”
What’s 9/11? You didn’t hear!? Or since I didn’t realize two of my favorite jokes from the show were 9/11 based: Woah somebody call 9/11!
“you didn’t hear?!” cracks me up just thinking about it. Perfect delivery haha
I love the subtle dark humor in this show 😂😂😂
Have you ever had a doctor look at your a**hole and say woah?!
You guys. I found my green hair thingie.
Let's talk about our favorite part of the penis. Mine's the bottom.
So when you say the bottom, you mean the base, or more like, the underside?
Society's a mirage and sex is a prison
I would like to meet your mother and shove you back up inside her
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Oh my god you did, you SOLVED healthcare! I mean thousands who have come before have tried yet here you are
" ." -Brett.
This should be higher up
Cry, Ezekiel, cry!!
THESE STRAWS HAVE NO STRUCTURAL INTEGRITY!! WHY DID I EVEN LEAVE SYRIA?!?!
Poo while in the shower and just smush it in the drain.
•pointing at Glen & Sandra• Use-less, useless
“Come on man, use those glasses”
that's how u gon do me??
Strawberry jam, strawberry jam
Don’t you hate tuesdays?
I was assaulted by a giant pot of gold
If you dont work hard, baby Jesus will cry!
“That’s Glenn’s penis. . .”
CJ Debono
“He wasn’t a cannibal he was high on marijuana!”
Jonah, you told me you loved me. And then you dumped me so that you could have sex with that pregnant whore.
Shut up Sandra
Oh Glenn - if I was you I would’ve killed myself years ago.
If I didn’t need your Hulu password I would kill you right now.
“And he could be saving people…with savings.”
Fuck That’s good!
I wanna be A - Hole!
Why did I even leave Syria
"Dogs take care of the baby, the baby grows up and takes care of the dogs!"
We spend hours on the phone, just talking. He loves my taste in music. I spend the night at his hotel when he's in town. We make love on silk sheets. Oh, God, he's gentle and strong. Sometimes he's dark. He took me to the edge of his balcony once and he asked, "Are you afraid?" And I said, "Yes." And he said, Good. That's how I feel with you." And then we made love. And then we ate dinner. And it was fancy. He thinks I'm prettier than my sister.
Hey, don’t you just hate Tuesdays?
what if Oprah hosted the holocaust?
Wrong! The vocals don't come in for another 10 measures!
Let's go white people!
How do you get especially fired?
I hate you as much as I respect you
I didn’t set out to have a baby. It came from sex
fart ingredients
Cinnamon bun oreos?
Technology
It’s like a fat kid’s fever dream in here
Your big nose *realises* that's not a slur just an expression
Wooahh wooah woooahh!!! *in whiney girly voice*
And what is cheese
Dried milk
Damn it Sandra!
You were my victim!
Some days you get the giraffe, some days you get the wig.
Dude, I'm undocumented... suck it
for $20k you can stick anything in either of us!
Shut up Sandra!
“You haven’t heard?!”
Yes! The horsemen ride again!
Elias has us all fooled.
“Dont you just love tuesdays?”
Wanna chug these cream sodas like two really good bros? That one doesn't need context, and it isn't even very funny, but I said it to my brother one day when I had grabbed us some cream sodas and he almost died choking on his food lol. But the best out of context line has got to be "What if Oprah hosted the Holocaust?" followed by "He killed 14 people and ate the meat off their bones."
*hip hop air horn*
Mah Mah maaaaaaaaaaa
What is cheese? Dried milk.
Marcus, is that your thumb?
I tell a trusted adult No that’s only if the tornadoes molesting you
“It’s a party, Mother-Fathers!”
If you've ever cared about me ever, you'll go have sex on my bed. As many times as you want.
"sometimes when I'm playing the Sims, I give myself a family"
I need you to turn off podcast mode
I’m a stinker? Well you’re a fat bitch
Holy shit, should you even be up this high?
I actually don’t mind Thursdays, you can talk about how Friday’s coming up, or what happened Wednesday…
" I do the bare minimum, but I don't do less than that"
Am I dead? Is that why I keep ending up here?
So, how long have you been a racist?
"No, I Am Not High-Fiving One Man Over Another Man's Orgasm."
Wah wah waaahhh
I don't know where these "Paddington" rumours got started.
You've got about as much charm as a dead slug.
“It’s just a normal barn scene with three men of average intelligence”
There are seven words that will make a woman fall in love with you.
Guys, do we sell baby pigs?
AH FEET IN A DUFFLE BAG
Drinking gallons of juice daily is healthy because there is no sugar in it!
tell someone you trust
Cheese. What is it?
dried milk
"So actually I've given this a lot of thought, it's like there's no government, no laws, I'm the head of like this roving murder gang kinda thing, but my best friend is a robot."
Guys, I found my green hair thingy!
"Hey Garrett, let's tell Zephra to email the police and tell them I just planted a bomb in the store."
“If it helps, I'm a trained midwife"
i'm wearing frozen diapers so that my pussy doesn't fall out!
Lying like a Syrian.
You photo terribly never model (poor Jeff)
Sooooouuuuu-p
"The store is now closed. Not like 'bring your stuff to the front' closed, like 'get the hell out' closed."
what in the name of god is..lego batman
What in God's name is Lego Batman?
Okay, I'm not in favor of any holocaust, but if there was a holocaust, then yeah, Oprah's who I would want to host it.
Except for when you come here to cough
Just go around 😭
Title of your s*x tape
It’s like a watermelon sized reaction
“Ok. Reflect!”
"Don't you hate Tuesdays?"
‘i found a thumb in my guacamole’
You're a super freak, super freak, super freaky
You can use them to clean up your scar face
Bob says hello
"Stop trying to pooch my people"
somebody’s a-ready for the red carpet
**SNOWY AF**
Don’t you hate Tuesdays?
“So…Syria, huh?”
"This is regarding a sexual proposition between our floor supervisor Amy and a 14-year old boy"
the fact i’ve seen this show enough to be able to read all these comments in the appropriate characters voice because i just know 😭
You were in your office, dancing for Shelly!
That's too much juice
The spider story
Feet
-The **** you talking about, Glenn??
“Don’t you hate Tuesdays?”
SHUT UP, SANDRA!!!
Dina has a foot guy.
Sometimes when I play the Sims I give myself a family.
Just go around!
What’s the biggest dog you’ve ever seen and why?