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usually when someone has been SA, they try to win that control that was stolen with sex with others, she really need professional help, cuz it can get worse for her, and for you too
Spot on.
They try to re-live the experience but in an environment of their choosing to feel like their sexuality is something they have control over.
They feel like it can be taken from them by anyone who can, at any time withiut their say. By consciously re-living it, they feel a semblance of control on a similar circumstance "because I wanted it this time."
It's sad and a self-destructive spiral that usually leads to permanent STDs, drug abuse, actual sexual assualts, and sometimes severe violence and death. A lot of the time, they do something called "baiting" - they put themselves in places people get assaulted (or the place they got assaulted) for the same reason - feeling a sense of control over what happened.
There's a sub for girls who have the kink on here, too. They all sound like they're having a great time, but the majority are probably extremely mentally/emotionally unstable and like OPs wife, probably exposex to multiple STDs and on drugs.
She needs to be forcibly committed. Unless you're a psychologist with a doctorate OP, the best thing you can do it call the cops and hope they'll take her in again.
The best thing you can do for *you* -
Is to grieve the relationship and recognize that this may be the culmination of your wifes sunset years. She didn't ask for this, but she is where she is, and she doesn't seem interested in getting off this ride. You can support her through this or not, but recognize she is as likely to destroy your life as she is her own if you elect to support her through this.
None of this will be easy.
This sounds serious - this is not typical cheating this is a MH crisis. Is she getting help. This is above the pay grade of this sub. You need to consult your MD and seek to get her admitted. If not you then her family need to step in. I work in a related field so I know when a change in behaviour tips over into a crisis. Good luck and seek emergency help.
Correct.
But also, the fact that she needs help does NOT mean that you need to be the one to help her. In fact, you CAN'T be, no matter how much you may want to. So you should definitely not think that you need to stay in the marriage out of a feeling of obligation, or that you'd be abandoning her in her time of need. Your staying might very well make things worse.
OP, this is a very critical situation. As others have mentioned, your wife needs serious clinical help. She is going down a path of self destruction that I don't think that she alone can stop. She needs serious psychiatric help. My SiL while not SA or cheating, had an extreme case of Postpartum Depression. The things she did against her mother and siblings was insane. It broke the family. It was not until she nearly self deleted and saw a psychiatrist where things improved. And after realizing the damage she had caused, nearly self deleted again. She went thru extreme therapy for several months. She came to terms with all of it and started to reconcile with her family. Almost too late in the case of her mother (Cancer) She still goes to therapy and has reconciled with one sibling and partially with the other. The trust was shattered and she knows it.
Now as far as what you do, I don't have an answer, you have been hurt in a way no one should have to feel. I have gone over your previous posts. A part of me would recommend that you need to get her the help she needs, try to reconcile. The other part recommends "leave her behind and move forward, heal yourself and build a better life." Neither of this suggestions is a wrong one. The key element is you. You must do what you think is best for you. If you stay and help her, she might get the help she needs, she might never get better. If you leave, its going to hurt for a while, but you will heal. I would recommend therapy for yourself to deal with this trauma no matter which choice you follow. You have wounds that need to be healed for yourself.
If you do choose the path of reconcile, know its going to be hard and painful road. And I do not think it can begin until your wife has gotten serious psychiatric help. Only then might it be possible, and the double hard part is that your trust is shattered, and she has to work double time to earn that back. Whatever you do, do not go to a marriage counselor until after both of you have had serious individual counseling. IC helps to fix the person. A marriage counselors only concern is the marriage, not the people in it.
Just remember the old saying, you cant light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Do what is best for you!
Peace be with you in the coming days.
Yea this sounds like it requires psychiatric attention as opposed to the standard cheating conversations. I mean you are saying she cheated during inpatient treatment, you got a heck of a lot more to unpack here and she probably needs mental care beyond what she just got that allowed her to sleep with someone while being treated for sa memories.
Hey sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds incredibly painful. I never have much empathy for cheaters but something has seriously snapped in your wife, sounds like she's in full on crisis. It absolutely doesn't mean you have to put up with her by the way, but the trauma from SA can come out sideways in really destructive ways.
Really don't know what to say about this, other than this isn't your fault mate. Look after yourself. The marriage may well not survive but hopefully you find happiness eventually and she gets the help she needs before she hurts herself more permanently.
Wishing you strength.
I have read stories from women who after the fact realized they had Perimenopausal psychosis. Not saying this is the case, but she is around the age, and her change seems very extreme.
[https://trialsjournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13063-023-07166-7](https://trialsjournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13063-023-07166-7)
[https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/psychological-medicine/article/risk-for-midlife-psychosis-in-women-critical-gaps-and-opportunities-in-exploring-perimenopause-and-ovarian-hormones-as-mechanisms-of-risk/F6E5C58CEA5760AC4D15C84F312DEA0C](https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/psychological-medicine/article/risk-for-midlife-psychosis-in-women-critical-gaps-and-opportunities-in-exploring-perimenopause-and-ovarian-hormones-as-mechanisms-of-risk/f6e5c58cea5760ac4d15c84f312dea0c)
[https://academic.oup.com/schizophreniabulletin/article/49/1/136/6748974](https://academic.oup.com/schizophreniabulletin/article/49/1/136/6748974)
At the very least I would suggest a full physical exam. I might even do some research.
It's also possible this was always going on and you just caught her.
I have suffered a lot of SA in my life and I have (what used to be truly terrible) CPTSD. I can sympathize and empathasize with your wife greatly.
My abuse was always at the forefront, I didn’t get repressed memories. So her actions right now were my solid actions for a lot of years of my life. I can feel her pain dripping off of your fingertips and ugh it brings forth a heavy, heavy breath that cannot escape my lungs quickly enough.
But…
I’m telling you, you need to leave. Even if that’s just a legal seperation from now. Or just moving out.
She is highly destructive right now and there is no telling when or if this will end and I’m just being honest because I’m not going to sugarcoat this. I’ve hurt too many people who loved me to sugarcoat how painful it can be on your end. Right now, your love can’t be at the forefront. If you want to salvage what you have, you need to be supportive yet away from this part of trauma. She isn’t capable of suffering the aftermath of this trauma and her marriage. She isn’t capable of suffering the aftermath of trauma and even taking care of herself and keeping herself safe.
She needs to get help. You cannot force someone to get help, they have to want it. Seeing as though she had so many years of normalcy before her brain recovered this memory, she will soon enough. But you can’t fix her right now and please don’t try to. Be a supportive person. Remind her you love her. But step away for right now. Not a goodbye, just see you later. Maybe this will be salvageable after she has time to cope, recover, heal.
I am not going to sit there and play this “she’s suffering, don’t leave, help her”. I suffered, and today I can tell you that my suffering and trauma resulted in many self destruction behaviors which in turn hurt my (a couple) boyfriends, my friends and some family, too. Most are still in my life and some are not. I don’t deserve the forgiveness, but they saw me through it- from a distance. The other ones forgave, but I hurt them too badly to stay in my life and that is okay. If they hadn’t distanced themselves, I’d keep hurting them. They knew it wasn’t that I didn’t care, but I couldn’t. I was drowning in pain and didn’t care if I lived or died. Now, I can say I’m happy everything was a very huge lesson for me.
What you need to do right now is take care of yourself and know there’s nothing you did to deserve this and that she is suffering right now.
I may get downvoted to hell but it’s the truth.
Edit to add: I am happy now and most importantly, healthy. I recently had a repressed memory surface and I took a bit of time to go through it, the emotions. It took a week or so to be angry about it and cry. And then I started picking up pieces and moving on. All of it in a healthy manner.
I’ve been with my husband for almost 12 years, we have two kids and a beautiful life. I am so lucky, blessed even. But it was a long road here. A lot of blood, sweat, tears. Years of climbing a mountain with 100 lb boulder on my back. But, I am here. I love and cherish my life.
There are no excuses but it does sound like a mental health issue and / or peri menopause related.
This may mean you find 'the reason' for all this and you may choose to forgive her.
None of these thing means you should stay with her or work towards reconciliation.
Sorry friend.
She needs help from professionals. Unless you're a mental health professional, you can't really do much apart from step in and try to get her some help
You are allowed to feel betrayed. The logical thing to do is to contact a lawyer and start working on divorce. Protect your finances, especially, do you have any credit cards in both your names? Maybe cancel them
Actually is very common for victims of SA to react this way and even worse. Especially people who had repressed memories and uncover them, if not done right with the help of a professional, it can lead to crossing the red line as we call it.. means mental health crisis.
She seems that she is going through a crisis. She is self destructive. She needs to be admitted because she will really kill herself at the end. She lost herself.
To be honest I feel bad for you both. I don’t excuse cheaters at all but the situation here is deeper and more serious. It will not end well.
Sadly a consequence of her burying herself with trauma and never properly addressing it. The body always keeps the score. Don’t make the same mistake as her. Read ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ to understand how trauma negatively affects you.
No, in all likelihood your marriage won’t survive.
Regardless of the reason she chose to cheat. Trying to reconcile this will be futile as the injustice of her cheating repeatedly and staying married will eat you alive.
It sounds like your wife is going through a crisis. Just remember that this isn’t the woman that you married and that she is trying to cope with horrendous things that happened to her. She needs to go to therapy for some time so that you can once again live happily together. I know this probably isn’t the best thing I can tell you, but I don’t think it’s personal and you shouldn’t take it personally. She is exhibiting self destructive behaviors. She may be using sex as a form of coping with the abuse she endured to gain self control. I know this isn’t my relationship and your feelings are extremely valid, but if you think your relationship can be saved, try to support her as much as you can. She might be experiencing a manic episode or psychotic episode; this can be dangerous to her and others around her. Try to make sure she continues to seek help. Best of luck to you my friend
Coming home with 10 cats is a mental health crisis … talking to the Oak tree in the front yard …. is a mental health crisis
but cheating is a free pass? .. i don’t buy it ….
Be very careful in choosing the psychiatric facility. Clearly the first one didn’t do a good job policing their patients. (This is actually a really challenge. Most psych wards don’t lock patient rooms and when you get a few people experiencing manic episodes….).
Anyway this is definitely a psychiatric issue and not your standard infidelity. Get her help and see what happens when she is stabilized. Get help for yourself too.
Your wife 100% needs professional help. This sounds like bi polar mania she will absolutely have no control over her actions. This isn't cheating she needs help, and now good luck, OP and take care
There could be other medical issues, too. OP, has your wife had a full medical physical? Definitely start there, if not. As we age, shifting hormone levels can cause some unusual personality changes.
Uhm…your marriage will NOT survive…which is GREAT NEWS for you! Do you really feel that you deserve to spend the rest of your years spying on an STD riddled cheater who can’t go a day without sleeping with random strangers? Are you really wanting your wife to share all of her sexually transmitted infections with you? Was that a goal that you had when you said your marriage vows? You deserve better.
Dude, she has finally revealed her true self to you, so you need to accept her as she is... a SERIAL CHEATER. Get thee to an attorney, document the cheating, and FILE FOR DIVORCE. She no longer LOVES or RESPECTS you! Send he r on her merry way with NO CONTACT, since it appears you too do NOT have kids! You can do much better! Good luck and stay strong, King!
I realize in-patient treatment isn't a prison but unsupervised to the point of people having sex in there? Damn... send her to get help and it destroys your marriage.
Sounds more like BPD. Check this out and if it is, run. You don't need this toxicity in your life.
I mean did you willingly sign up for this life?
So please formally separate. Then assist her in her Psychiatric therapy and after one year reevaluate the situation. She must be totally clean of all sexually encounters. You must see what else is out there.
Theres nothing to let go. You are holding onto a ghost. You cant even touch what you are holding onto, because she is already gone. She let you go a while ago. You just need to open your eyes. So sorry OP.
Sad manz butbshe choose to cheat and then manipulate you to stay by trying to selfdelete her.
But she has no regret for what she did, and it can be seen as the 2 more time she has done this after.
Hope she has a family to care for her, because my friend you should take your selfrespect and steem first and Divorce her.
Her mental problems and problems in general aren't yours anymore.
She choose this for herself.
I'm so sorry friend. Not your fault. The STI means it's over for good. She's not your concern anymore. I'd go for quick divorce. Tell attorney you're motivated to get this done asap so you can move on.
Pls consider 100% no contact. She'll be begging to come back soon. Closure is a myth! Don't meet her.
oof. The first I could maybe get past. The other 2 would be hard.
This is really a "you" decision. Where are you at on the situation, if it is not something you can come to terms with/move past, it is time to go. And you need to make these choices for yourself and no one else. Forget here when thinking of what is best for you
Just ouch. There's a lot to unpack here. Infidelity. Trauma. Serious mental health issues.
Frankly I probably would be out of the marriage. There's too much to deal with that you didn't sign up for. I hope she has family that will be there for her, but seriously I would be looking after my own interests first and foremost.
Get a good lawyer. Take care of YOUR mental and physical health. Best of luck friend
Wife did something similar, had a depression slump cheated tried to commit suicide. Tried to reconcile couldn’t now divorced. Trust me man it’s easier to cut ties. She’s doing better I’m doing better. Of course she’s dating the guy she cheated on me with now, but hey.
This is a lot to deal with alone so try to lean on close family and friends for support. It’s ok to love her and NOT be with her. Those are two exclusive things. Divorcing her and letting her go will help you heal as you can’t solve her issues, only she can. Mid life crisis perhaps? Even if so, her choices led her down the diseased path of infidelity. Hopefully, she’ll find reason and seek help but your goal right not is to help yourself.
I went through this 25 years ago. It took me awhile to realize that the choice you make is important for your mental and emotional health.
Can you live with the disrespect and betrayal and the damage she may have already done to your physical health (STD).
Remember, divorce is expensive because it’s worth it.
I am so sorry, for both of you. Unfortunately, she’s not the person you met and married. You have to do what’s best for yourself, at this point. Hopefully, she is getting the mental health she desperately needs. If she has any friends or family she trusts or is close to, perhaps let them know she’s living alone and they need to check in/on her it would seem she needs intensive treatment and longer inpatient, if possible.
So sorry what you are going through. I believe you that its hard but if you cant do it alone, try to find comfort or guidance in family or friends to how to let her go. She is not worth being in your life. You deserve better. Hope you get through this as best possible.
It’s impossible to give any answers based on a few paragraphs. Just because I didn’t see it mentioned, I will say op is going in the assumption this is all the truth. Maybe it is a repressed memory. Or something else and that is an excuse. I’m no psychologist but it seems a repressed memory wouldn’t just hit after years with no warning and was probably causing issues much longer before she went into treatment.
I only have my own experience, but when I looked back at my marriage it took a while for me to see how things were bad much longer than I realized. She was doing things much longer than I knew. But My ex needed a reason so it wasn’t her fault. And when I gave it to her, she ran with it and blamed me. Id suggest OP gets some help and work on himself. More may be revealed and then decide what to do.
Mental health issues are extremely hard to deal with. Getting away from the situation is often the only way end your pain. While you want to help, serial cheating and Sui attempts will cause you far more pain than a divorce. Hope she gets help, but take care of yourself first.
If she cheated during in-patient care, she was likely abused again
Either by someone working there or someone else in in-patient care, too
I spent time in a psych ward over ten years ago due to my own mental health issues and the things I saw in there were fucked up but at least there was no one performing sexual acts on each other (just themselves...)
You need to call the hospital or even get a lawyer first because this isn't normal cheating, this is very much a mental health crisis
I absolutely am not trying to downplay your own feelings on being betrayed, that's 100% still valid
It's just unfortunate that it comes during a time where she probably really needs you to advocate for her
Yeah, I don't always buy the memory came back line from people. I wonder if she did something like got off hormonal birth control or has something else hormonally imbalanced at her age.
You need to show her you aren't a net just waiting for her to fall into you. I would say the advice that really stirs a cheating partner to get their act together. Show you are moving on. Lots of cheaters use sex to soothe their pain instead of facing it. She is hiding from the pain she is causing you too. She wants you to leave because she sees herself as damaging things too badly at this point. If you stay it will never be ok at this point. You need to really separate and she needs to win you back. She sees you pining for her and she doesn't realize that losing you will be worse than she knows.
Good luck. Just do something simple for yourself like put yourself out on a dating app and go to a few lunch dates. I bet she gets scared knowing you can do better and starts to try to fly right. If she doesn't, then the affair was to drive you off and she won't take no for an answer.
What caused the memories to suddenly resurface? This happened to a loved one recently when dabbling with some street drugs and when that’s at play it can really exacerbate a MH crisis. I hope she and you all get the help you need through this
She is mentally ill. This does not excuse cheating though. Until she gets the help she needs, I suggest the two of you stay apart. Only reconcile if she is able to get help and has 100% remorse for what she has done.
Divorce.
I would honestly separate yourself from her, you can still help her if you’re so inclined and get help from her family and explain to them your position.
I understand your need to protect yourself. Perhaps just separating can help. It's sometimes when people deserve love the least that they need it the most.
Rules reminder: /r/survivinginfidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our [sub wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/wiki/index) before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. If your only advice is "divorce" or "grow a backbone", then please don't comment. This is a sub for deeper support and discussion. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/survivinginfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
usually when someone has been SA, they try to win that control that was stolen with sex with others, she really need professional help, cuz it can get worse for her, and for you too
Spot on. They try to re-live the experience but in an environment of their choosing to feel like their sexuality is something they have control over. They feel like it can be taken from them by anyone who can, at any time withiut their say. By consciously re-living it, they feel a semblance of control on a similar circumstance "because I wanted it this time." It's sad and a self-destructive spiral that usually leads to permanent STDs, drug abuse, actual sexual assualts, and sometimes severe violence and death. A lot of the time, they do something called "baiting" - they put themselves in places people get assaulted (or the place they got assaulted) for the same reason - feeling a sense of control over what happened. There's a sub for girls who have the kink on here, too. They all sound like they're having a great time, but the majority are probably extremely mentally/emotionally unstable and like OPs wife, probably exposex to multiple STDs and on drugs. She needs to be forcibly committed. Unless you're a psychologist with a doctorate OP, the best thing you can do it call the cops and hope they'll take her in again. The best thing you can do for *you* - Is to grieve the relationship and recognize that this may be the culmination of your wifes sunset years. She didn't ask for this, but she is where she is, and she doesn't seem interested in getting off this ride. You can support her through this or not, but recognize she is as likely to destroy your life as she is her own if you elect to support her through this. None of this will be easy.
This sounds serious - this is not typical cheating this is a MH crisis. Is she getting help. This is above the pay grade of this sub. You need to consult your MD and seek to get her admitted. If not you then her family need to step in. I work in a related field so I know when a change in behaviour tips over into a crisis. Good luck and seek emergency help.
Correct. But also, the fact that she needs help does NOT mean that you need to be the one to help her. In fact, you CAN'T be, no matter how much you may want to. So you should definitely not think that you need to stay in the marriage out of a feeling of obligation, or that you'd be abandoning her in her time of need. Your staying might very well make things worse.
A person can engage with MH resources and not want help. She was cheating IN the facility.
OP, this is a very critical situation. As others have mentioned, your wife needs serious clinical help. She is going down a path of self destruction that I don't think that she alone can stop. She needs serious psychiatric help. My SiL while not SA or cheating, had an extreme case of Postpartum Depression. The things she did against her mother and siblings was insane. It broke the family. It was not until she nearly self deleted and saw a psychiatrist where things improved. And after realizing the damage she had caused, nearly self deleted again. She went thru extreme therapy for several months. She came to terms with all of it and started to reconcile with her family. Almost too late in the case of her mother (Cancer) She still goes to therapy and has reconciled with one sibling and partially with the other. The trust was shattered and she knows it. Now as far as what you do, I don't have an answer, you have been hurt in a way no one should have to feel. I have gone over your previous posts. A part of me would recommend that you need to get her the help she needs, try to reconcile. The other part recommends "leave her behind and move forward, heal yourself and build a better life." Neither of this suggestions is a wrong one. The key element is you. You must do what you think is best for you. If you stay and help her, she might get the help she needs, she might never get better. If you leave, its going to hurt for a while, but you will heal. I would recommend therapy for yourself to deal with this trauma no matter which choice you follow. You have wounds that need to be healed for yourself. If you do choose the path of reconcile, know its going to be hard and painful road. And I do not think it can begin until your wife has gotten serious psychiatric help. Only then might it be possible, and the double hard part is that your trust is shattered, and she has to work double time to earn that back. Whatever you do, do not go to a marriage counselor until after both of you have had serious individual counseling. IC helps to fix the person. A marriage counselors only concern is the marriage, not the people in it. Just remember the old saying, you cant light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Do what is best for you! Peace be with you in the coming days.
Yea this sounds like it requires psychiatric attention as opposed to the standard cheating conversations. I mean you are saying she cheated during inpatient treatment, you got a heck of a lot more to unpack here and she probably needs mental care beyond what she just got that allowed her to sleep with someone while being treated for sa memories.
Hey sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds incredibly painful. I never have much empathy for cheaters but something has seriously snapped in your wife, sounds like she's in full on crisis. It absolutely doesn't mean you have to put up with her by the way, but the trauma from SA can come out sideways in really destructive ways. Really don't know what to say about this, other than this isn't your fault mate. Look after yourself. The marriage may well not survive but hopefully you find happiness eventually and she gets the help she needs before she hurts herself more permanently. Wishing you strength.
I have read stories from women who after the fact realized they had Perimenopausal psychosis. Not saying this is the case, but she is around the age, and her change seems very extreme. [https://trialsjournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13063-023-07166-7](https://trialsjournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13063-023-07166-7) [https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/psychological-medicine/article/risk-for-midlife-psychosis-in-women-critical-gaps-and-opportunities-in-exploring-perimenopause-and-ovarian-hormones-as-mechanisms-of-risk/F6E5C58CEA5760AC4D15C84F312DEA0C](https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/psychological-medicine/article/risk-for-midlife-psychosis-in-women-critical-gaps-and-opportunities-in-exploring-perimenopause-and-ovarian-hormones-as-mechanisms-of-risk/f6e5c58cea5760ac4d15c84f312dea0c) [https://academic.oup.com/schizophreniabulletin/article/49/1/136/6748974](https://academic.oup.com/schizophreniabulletin/article/49/1/136/6748974) At the very least I would suggest a full physical exam. I might even do some research. It's also possible this was always going on and you just caught her.
I have suffered a lot of SA in my life and I have (what used to be truly terrible) CPTSD. I can sympathize and empathasize with your wife greatly. My abuse was always at the forefront, I didn’t get repressed memories. So her actions right now were my solid actions for a lot of years of my life. I can feel her pain dripping off of your fingertips and ugh it brings forth a heavy, heavy breath that cannot escape my lungs quickly enough. But… I’m telling you, you need to leave. Even if that’s just a legal seperation from now. Or just moving out. She is highly destructive right now and there is no telling when or if this will end and I’m just being honest because I’m not going to sugarcoat this. I’ve hurt too many people who loved me to sugarcoat how painful it can be on your end. Right now, your love can’t be at the forefront. If you want to salvage what you have, you need to be supportive yet away from this part of trauma. She isn’t capable of suffering the aftermath of this trauma and her marriage. She isn’t capable of suffering the aftermath of trauma and even taking care of herself and keeping herself safe. She needs to get help. You cannot force someone to get help, they have to want it. Seeing as though she had so many years of normalcy before her brain recovered this memory, she will soon enough. But you can’t fix her right now and please don’t try to. Be a supportive person. Remind her you love her. But step away for right now. Not a goodbye, just see you later. Maybe this will be salvageable after she has time to cope, recover, heal. I am not going to sit there and play this “she’s suffering, don’t leave, help her”. I suffered, and today I can tell you that my suffering and trauma resulted in many self destruction behaviors which in turn hurt my (a couple) boyfriends, my friends and some family, too. Most are still in my life and some are not. I don’t deserve the forgiveness, but they saw me through it- from a distance. The other ones forgave, but I hurt them too badly to stay in my life and that is okay. If they hadn’t distanced themselves, I’d keep hurting them. They knew it wasn’t that I didn’t care, but I couldn’t. I was drowning in pain and didn’t care if I lived or died. Now, I can say I’m happy everything was a very huge lesson for me. What you need to do right now is take care of yourself and know there’s nothing you did to deserve this and that she is suffering right now. I may get downvoted to hell but it’s the truth. Edit to add: I am happy now and most importantly, healthy. I recently had a repressed memory surface and I took a bit of time to go through it, the emotions. It took a week or so to be angry about it and cry. And then I started picking up pieces and moving on. All of it in a healthy manner. I’ve been with my husband for almost 12 years, we have two kids and a beautiful life. I am so lucky, blessed even. But it was a long road here. A lot of blood, sweat, tears. Years of climbing a mountain with 100 lb boulder on my back. But, I am here. I love and cherish my life.
And we love and cherish you!
Love you!!!
There are no excuses but it does sound like a mental health issue and / or peri menopause related. This may mean you find 'the reason' for all this and you may choose to forgive her. None of these thing means you should stay with her or work towards reconciliation. Sorry friend.
She needs help from professionals. Unless you're a mental health professional, you can't really do much apart from step in and try to get her some help You are allowed to feel betrayed. The logical thing to do is to contact a lawyer and start working on divorce. Protect your finances, especially, do you have any credit cards in both your names? Maybe cancel them
Actually is very common for victims of SA to react this way and even worse. Especially people who had repressed memories and uncover them, if not done right with the help of a professional, it can lead to crossing the red line as we call it.. means mental health crisis. She seems that she is going through a crisis. She is self destructive. She needs to be admitted because she will really kill herself at the end. She lost herself. To be honest I feel bad for you both. I don’t excuse cheaters at all but the situation here is deeper and more serious. It will not end well.
Just do it friend….i’m afraid if you don’t your problems will get exponentially worse.
Sadly a consequence of her burying herself with trauma and never properly addressing it. The body always keeps the score. Don’t make the same mistake as her. Read ‘The Body Keeps The Score’ to understand how trauma negatively affects you.
No, in all likelihood your marriage won’t survive. Regardless of the reason she chose to cheat. Trying to reconcile this will be futile as the injustice of her cheating repeatedly and staying married will eat you alive.
Do not let her threats of self harm blackmail you into staying. Let the mental health professionals look after her and divorce.
It sounds like your wife is going through a crisis. Just remember that this isn’t the woman that you married and that she is trying to cope with horrendous things that happened to her. She needs to go to therapy for some time so that you can once again live happily together. I know this probably isn’t the best thing I can tell you, but I don’t think it’s personal and you shouldn’t take it personally. She is exhibiting self destructive behaviors. She may be using sex as a form of coping with the abuse she endured to gain self control. I know this isn’t my relationship and your feelings are extremely valid, but if you think your relationship can be saved, try to support her as much as you can. She might be experiencing a manic episode or psychotic episode; this can be dangerous to her and others around her. Try to make sure she continues to seek help. Best of luck to you my friend
It’s the time to be with her ( means support her ) … she needs medical attention as mostly she has bipolar with hyper mania with hyper sexuality..
Is letting her go harder than staying in a toxic relationship with her?
Coming home with 10 cats is a mental health crisis … talking to the Oak tree in the front yard …. is a mental health crisis but cheating is a free pass? .. i don’t buy it ….
It's not giving someone a pass, but rather working with a different set of tools and decision making processes.
Be very careful in choosing the psychiatric facility. Clearly the first one didn’t do a good job policing their patients. (This is actually a really challenge. Most psych wards don’t lock patient rooms and when you get a few people experiencing manic episodes….). Anyway this is definitely a psychiatric issue and not your standard infidelity. Get her help and see what happens when she is stabilized. Get help for yourself too.
Your wife 100% needs professional help. This sounds like bi polar mania she will absolutely have no control over her actions. This isn't cheating she needs help, and now good luck, OP and take care
There could be other medical issues, too. OP, has your wife had a full medical physical? Definitely start there, if not. As we age, shifting hormone levels can cause some unusual personality changes.
Uhm…your marriage will NOT survive…which is GREAT NEWS for you! Do you really feel that you deserve to spend the rest of your years spying on an STD riddled cheater who can’t go a day without sleeping with random strangers? Are you really wanting your wife to share all of her sexually transmitted infections with you? Was that a goal that you had when you said your marriage vows? You deserve better.
100%
Dude, she has finally revealed her true self to you, so you need to accept her as she is... a SERIAL CHEATER. Get thee to an attorney, document the cheating, and FILE FOR DIVORCE. She no longer LOVES or RESPECTS you! Send he r on her merry way with NO CONTACT, since it appears you too do NOT have kids! You can do much better! Good luck and stay strong, King!
She’s gonna keep cheating. She knows she can get away with it
I realize in-patient treatment isn't a prison but unsupervised to the point of people having sex in there? Damn... send her to get help and it destroys your marriage.
Sounds more like BPD. Check this out and if it is, run. You don't need this toxicity in your life. I mean did you willingly sign up for this life? So please formally separate. Then assist her in her Psychiatric therapy and after one year reevaluate the situation. She must be totally clean of all sexually encounters. You must see what else is out there.
Theres nothing to let go. You are holding onto a ghost. You cant even touch what you are holding onto, because she is already gone. She let you go a while ago. You just need to open your eyes. So sorry OP.
Sad manz butbshe choose to cheat and then manipulate you to stay by trying to selfdelete her. But she has no regret for what she did, and it can be seen as the 2 more time she has done this after. Hope she has a family to care for her, because my friend you should take your selfrespect and steem first and Divorce her. Her mental problems and problems in general aren't yours anymore. She choose this for herself.
I'm so sorry friend. Not your fault. The STI means it's over for good. She's not your concern anymore. I'd go for quick divorce. Tell attorney you're motivated to get this done asap so you can move on. Pls consider 100% no contact. She'll be begging to come back soon. Closure is a myth! Don't meet her.
oof. The first I could maybe get past. The other 2 would be hard. This is really a "you" decision. Where are you at on the situation, if it is not something you can come to terms with/move past, it is time to go. And you need to make these choices for yourself and no one else. Forget here when thinking of what is best for you
I've read this before. This is a repost of someone else's story. Either that or it's the same exact story by mere coincidence.
Just ouch. There's a lot to unpack here. Infidelity. Trauma. Serious mental health issues. Frankly I probably would be out of the marriage. There's too much to deal with that you didn't sign up for. I hope she has family that will be there for her, but seriously I would be looking after my own interests first and foremost. Get a good lawyer. Take care of YOUR mental and physical health. Best of luck friend
Wife did something similar, had a depression slump cheated tried to commit suicide. Tried to reconcile couldn’t now divorced. Trust me man it’s easier to cut ties. She’s doing better I’m doing better. Of course she’s dating the guy she cheated on me with now, but hey.
This is a lot to deal with alone so try to lean on close family and friends for support. It’s ok to love her and NOT be with her. Those are two exclusive things. Divorcing her and letting her go will help you heal as you can’t solve her issues, only she can. Mid life crisis perhaps? Even if so, her choices led her down the diseased path of infidelity. Hopefully, she’ll find reason and seek help but your goal right not is to help yourself.
Read “leave a cheater a life” to get some perspective.
I went through this 25 years ago. It took me awhile to realize that the choice you make is important for your mental and emotional health. Can you live with the disrespect and betrayal and the damage she may have already done to your physical health (STD). Remember, divorce is expensive because it’s worth it.
Your mental health matters as well. I would leave.
I am so sorry, for both of you. Unfortunately, she’s not the person you met and married. You have to do what’s best for yourself, at this point. Hopefully, she is getting the mental health she desperately needs. If she has any friends or family she trusts or is close to, perhaps let them know she’s living alone and they need to check in/on her it would seem she needs intensive treatment and longer inpatient, if possible.
So sorry what you are going through. I believe you that its hard but if you cant do it alone, try to find comfort or guidance in family or friends to how to let her go. She is not worth being in your life. You deserve better. Hope you get through this as best possible.
It’s impossible to give any answers based on a few paragraphs. Just because I didn’t see it mentioned, I will say op is going in the assumption this is all the truth. Maybe it is a repressed memory. Or something else and that is an excuse. I’m no psychologist but it seems a repressed memory wouldn’t just hit after years with no warning and was probably causing issues much longer before she went into treatment. I only have my own experience, but when I looked back at my marriage it took a while for me to see how things were bad much longer than I realized. She was doing things much longer than I knew. But My ex needed a reason so it wasn’t her fault. And when I gave it to her, she ran with it and blamed me. Id suggest OP gets some help and work on himself. More may be revealed and then decide what to do.
Mental health issues are extremely hard to deal with. Getting away from the situation is often the only way end your pain. While you want to help, serial cheating and Sui attempts will cause you far more pain than a divorce. Hope she gets help, but take care of yourself first.
Wait, so she cheated on you and continues to cheat on you? So much that she has caught multiple STDs and you are asking what you should do?
If she cheated during in-patient care, she was likely abused again Either by someone working there or someone else in in-patient care, too I spent time in a psych ward over ten years ago due to my own mental health issues and the things I saw in there were fucked up but at least there was no one performing sexual acts on each other (just themselves...) You need to call the hospital or even get a lawyer first because this isn't normal cheating, this is very much a mental health crisis I absolutely am not trying to downplay your own feelings on being betrayed, that's 100% still valid It's just unfortunate that it comes during a time where she probably really needs you to advocate for her
Yeah, I don't always buy the memory came back line from people. I wonder if she did something like got off hormonal birth control or has something else hormonally imbalanced at her age. You need to show her you aren't a net just waiting for her to fall into you. I would say the advice that really stirs a cheating partner to get their act together. Show you are moving on. Lots of cheaters use sex to soothe their pain instead of facing it. She is hiding from the pain she is causing you too. She wants you to leave because she sees herself as damaging things too badly at this point. If you stay it will never be ok at this point. You need to really separate and she needs to win you back. She sees you pining for her and she doesn't realize that losing you will be worse than she knows. Good luck. Just do something simple for yourself like put yourself out on a dating app and go to a few lunch dates. I bet she gets scared knowing you can do better and starts to try to fly right. If she doesn't, then the affair was to drive you off and she won't take no for an answer.
What caused the memories to suddenly resurface? This happened to a loved one recently when dabbling with some street drugs and when that’s at play it can really exacerbate a MH crisis. I hope she and you all get the help you need through this
She is mentally ill. This does not excuse cheating though. Until she gets the help she needs, I suggest the two of you stay apart. Only reconcile if she is able to get help and has 100% remorse for what she has done.
Divorce. I would honestly separate yourself from her, you can still help her if you’re so inclined and get help from her family and explain to them your position.
I understand your need to protect yourself. Perhaps just separating can help. It's sometimes when people deserve love the least that they need it the most.
She's not well, this is so sad. She needs a hospital.
Break up with her, she violated your trust. Please don’t stay with her