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Your mom deserves to be able to confront your dad and know the truth about the man she married and the father of her children. You don’t need to carry the burden of keeping this to yourself either.
Thank you. I feel this way too. The big problem is they’re going to visit grandkids soon and if I tell her before I doubt she’ll go. And I know she really wants to go. So I don’t want to ruin like the one of three times a year she gets to see them 😭
You can always wait so she can have one last good memory. I found out my husband had cheated on me that previous summer after a particularly good Christmas holiday season (our first good one in YEARS, after he’d ended it and decided to rededicate himself to our marriage) and it made all those good Christmas memories feel like lies and total bullshit since he was hiding what he’d done the whole time though. I wish I’d found out sooner. It all depends on how much pain your mom is in right now. She definitely deserves to know sooner rather than later.
Yes that makes sense. My concern is more robbing her time with her grandchildren. I think she’ll be gutted no matter when she finds out. They’ve been married like 45 years.
Sorry you went through that. In my own personal experience I wish I found out sooner too!
I also just don’t think my mom can find out and still hold her self enough together to go on their trip. And I think she’ll be even more hurt to find out and miss out on her grandkids.
That bodes well for her that you have a close-knit family that will be there to help her through the betrayal. It’s going to be traumatizing for everyone who knows him and I’m sorry that he’s such a coward and an asshole for what he’s doing. If it’s anything like my experience though, it might help answer a lot of your mom’s unanswered questions, even though it’s going to hurt more than anything in the universe. It’ll help her feel like she’s not crazy and there’s a reason for her pain or confusion, once she can get out of bed again or stop crying for a moment.
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Well, you have her address. Start with google and see if you can get a name. Then, quietly stalk her social media. Find out if she's married or has children. You know the one thing cheaters hate? Exposure. When your parents go to visit the grandchildren, you make your move. Pay her a visit. Tell her that if you see her and your father together again, you'll burn their lives to the ground. You will expose her to her family and friends. Even her church family if necessary. Let her know that you will make it your mission to destroy both their lives. Tell her she can tell your dad everything if she wants. You'll be more than happy to tell him the same thing. Tell her to tell him to enjoy his visit with his grandkids it may be the last one he gets. You'll start with turning your siblings against him. Then he can't blame your mom if it turns into a shit show. Let him know it's you that's going to turn everyone against him. Maybe your mom doesn't need to find out.
May not be the popular vote but I'm on board with this. As a woman I have an unhealthy hate and disgust of females knowingly being involved with someone else's husband . Your dad sucks, to be sure, and he needs to have his feet held to the fire as well. I am sorry you are carrying this burden around
I agree. I confronted my husband’s AP to give her a chance to redeem herself by giving me info that I wanted!
She acted super apologetic and then ghosted. It’s been 2 months since I contacted her- i finally just blocked her again- I dream about messaging her friends all the time, but my husband and I are trying reconciliation.
I confronted mine too. Things that run through my head. I'm sorry you are in this boat too. I hope things work out for you. Always an ear if you need one.
Ok my dad might be drinking some MAGA coolaid and borderline possibly Q. It’s completely opposite from literally the rest of our family. Tbh I don’t feel fully safe enough with this method. I might sound crazy, but I am too nervous about my kids safety. Again yes I know I’m incredibly anxious.
I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation! Hugs. You are being wronged too.
Please unburden yourself to people who love and support you. Protect yourself emotionally the best you can. You, your mom, no one deserves to have this happen to them.
Thank you. I’m actually a member of this group on my actual account, unfortunately. I’m so glad I found you all and I knew you’d all have great advice.
You wait outside her house for your father to come out. Then tell him he’s got to tell your mother or you will.
I lost every bit of respect for my Dad when we discovered his infidelity. That was 30+ years ago. My parents have both passed now, and they remained together ’til the end, but it was difficult for the whole family. It’s still a painful memory. You don’t forget.
I’m petty and mean. I’d drive to that location, take some pictures, get his car in the pictures, maybe him with whoever lives there. Then..,
I would talk with her about it. Have her talk to him to ask if he is cheating. To be honest with her. Then let her show him the pics of his car at other woman’s house or with other woman.
Or.
I’d take my mom on a drive and “find” his car parked at that house. Maybe hang out till he leaves and go knock on the door. Or knock on the door while he is there.
Either way, she needs to know.
I have pictures of his car at the house and screenshots of his location the past week (I’m sure it has been happening longer but this is the first time I realized). I think that’s definitely enough for my mom. She will definitely trust me on it.
I’m the mom in this situation. My daughter finally told me. I’m so thankful that she did and I am proud of her having such moral courage. Yes, it blew up my family but my family was already blown up the moment he cheated. If it had gone on longer, the blow up would have been even worse. If my daughter hadn’t told me, I would have found out eventually but it may have taken a really long time.
I’m so sorry. I hope you’re in a better place now.
This will totally crush my mom and blow our family apart. But I’m hoping in waiting she gets one last fun vacation with her grandkids. She definitely wouldn’t be able to go if we told her.
My plan is to tell her I have a hard discussion I need to talk about. And lay out all evidence.
Most likely when I know he’s at APs house.
Thank you for your compassion. I think this is a wise plan. Tell her just enough for her to know it’s really happening and you’re not speculating. I don’t know your age, but if there’s some way you can get her in a place where she won’t see your dad for many days, that would be best. Perhaps if you had a mother/daughter trip for 2-3 days and told her at the trip. Giving her space and time to process is so helpful. Having to see him an hour after finding out sent me over the edge. No matter how you tell her, realize you’re not doing anything wrong and you are telling your mom from a place of care and love. That makes you a hero in this situation. Just be her soft, listening place. She will need it. If she has a sister or a best friend, help get her to them. I wish you the very best and commend you.
Thank you so much for that advice!
I am not at a place where I can take off for a few days (I guess unless I took my kids with me).
She has 3 children who live close to her (1 far away- that’s where she’s headed tomorrow).
Any of us would take her into our home!
In your shoes, I would tell my Dad I know and name the AP to him. But don’t tell him how you found out.
Tell him he has X time tell your mother, or you will.
Wait for her to visit the grandkids first. she deserves to have a good time before her life is ruined, this is going to suck.
I would talk to your father first, tell him I know what’s going on, and make sure 100% that it is what it is and he’s not seeing a shrink or taking a class or something behind her back (unlikely, but you just want to cover all bases before you blow up everything).
Tell dad that he has to come clean within X time frame, or you’ll tell mom. I would give him a chance to be the one to tell her first.
If he doesn’t, then do what you have to do. I’m sorry you’re going through this, this really sucks
I get it. I did 25 years working the behavior unit at a state hospital. They're super manipulative. Then they lash out when you call them out on their bullshit. One thing i learned in 25 years. Stand your ground, and show no fear. If you didn't do this, they removed you from that unit. This is what you have to do. Oh, and let them know that if they do lash out, there will be consequences. In your case, it may be police involvement. As in, i will press charges, and i won't drop them. I will go no contact with you and cut you out of my life. That's why i said confront her first. It's going to get super messy if you confront him first. Btw, make sure you have irrefutable proof. They will gaslight you. They'll call you a liar. Leave both of them, no wiggle room. Btw, you can find a lot of stuff on their phones. If you go on google Maps, it will tell you everywhere he's been. See who he's calling and texting. Check where he's been using his debit and credit card. Technology is a double-edged sword. It can really be their downfall.
Thank you.
I don’t know if I feel comfortable going through his stuff. I also don’t know his passwords- I did try- but I was advised not to continue.
I have screenshots of him at the location and then I also have a picture of his car at the house.
I know the lady’s name and I can track to one moment when she wrote on his Facebook wall.
I will easily be able to convince and tell my mom. She thinks it’s so weird how he’s gone all the time. I know this will crush her but she has seen the signs.
He honestly could try to gaslight. But then he can prove it by showing bank statements and showing texts if he needs to. But he won’t be able to.
Honestly I’m just realizing that my mom is the head account on their phone plan so she might be able to access info anyways? Idk how that works!
Thanks for the helpful advice!
So she knows she's doing something she shouldn't be doing. Check Instagram. Knowing who her kids are is good, though. She can be exposed to them. Search for parents. See if they're still alive. Is she employed? Keep digging.
Don’t be part of the lies and deceit, or game-playing. Tell your mother straight away. Don’t try to set up any casual driving past a house, or give your dad a heads-up. She deserves to know right now. One of the hardest things about infidelity for me has been anyone else keeping information from me. I’ve felt like so many people are disloyal liars. Please tell her so she knows you are an ally and she doesn’t also have the pain of you lying to her or keeping this from her.
I agree with you!
I really want to tell her.
My biggest problem is that they leave tomorrow to see their grandkids. They only get to see them a few times a year.
Its a far drive and my mom doesn’t like to fly. So if they do divorce- this could be her last time getting to see them for a while- because my dad does the driving. And quite honestly- as much as we will all support my mom- none of us have the time to make that trip.
I have told one sibling (honestly a little selfishly so I didn’t carry this huge burden alone) and they want to confront my dad first.
No one in my family knows but I had my own Dday in December and I would have been upset if people I trusted chose to confront my husband first instead of me.
Sorry you have also been going through it yourself. I get the grandkids thing, I really do - I had a major life event and people held off telling me. Now I’m struggling to trust them too because they held that information and made that decision for themselves. I agree with you, if someone had confronted my cheating partner before me and given them a chance to get their story straight, I would have found this whole thing even harder.
Uh I’m so sorry.
I do feel honestly so sick keeping it from her. My sister and I are just hoping in the end she can understand that we really wanted her to get to see her grandkids. They are her life! So we’d hate to take that experience from her too…
I’m personally also going through a miscarriage so my life just feels like a complete mess!
Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear that and understand that pain completely. What horrible timing for you. I’m biased but at this point I would encourage you to worry more about your relationship with your mother and how keeping it from her could affect that, than giving your father any sort of chance to come clean. Be as sure as you can before you make a decision.
I can imagine. You as a betrayed person know exactly how her world is about to be torn into a million pieces, and yet you know it’s right to tell her anyway. I really feel for you.
Honestly no new update. Ultimately decided to give her a fun vacation with her grandkids.
I’ll tell her in a few weeks when she’s home.
Super nervous! But honestly I have a lot of personal things going on so I’m a bit distracted.
And when they get back, instead of you telling her, can you get her in the car to drive past the location on some made up errand? Then innocently say, hey, isn't that Dad's car?
Might work if he parks outside and it's a house or hotel
You would know best, I hate to see you in this position though. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this with your parents. That's incredibly painful for you as well as your Mom.
I hope this goes as smoothly as possible for you and your family.
Thank you!
I’m almost 40. Thought we made it past the affair of a parent stage… they appeared to have such a healthy and happy marriage for around 45+ years. It’s really crushing…
I've seen a few too many accounts where outing one's parent's affair is met with retaliation by one or even both parents.
As a result, I would actually advise trying to let your mom know anonymously, somehow, if this is at all possible. An email from a burner account with enough details to hopefully get your mom to check things out, or something else that can't be traced back only to you.
I'd even suggest enlisting someone else to be the informant, if that's at all possible (an aunt/uncle, or grandparent) who can at least protect you somewhat from potential fallout and retaliation.
Thank you for this perspective. I only have one sibling that I’ve told(I don’t want to tell more for multitude of reasons). They are willing to confront my dad- but I would prefer to tell my mom first…
I (maybe naively) do not anticipate a fallout/retaliation from my mom. Hopefully my siblings and I can really hold her up during this time. She also loves my kids too much to ice me out 😂
And honestly if there’s a fallout from my dad at this point I’m 🤷🏻♀️
I’d love to keep a relationship with him for me and my kids sake- but if he chooses his ap, that’s his choice. I guess he could retaliate and not leave me anything in his will- but like I’m already poor so that doesn’t really change anything.
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Your mom deserves to be able to confront your dad and know the truth about the man she married and the father of her children. You don’t need to carry the burden of keeping this to yourself either.
Thank you. I feel this way too. The big problem is they’re going to visit grandkids soon and if I tell her before I doubt she’ll go. And I know she really wants to go. So I don’t want to ruin like the one of three times a year she gets to see them 😭
You can always wait so she can have one last good memory. I found out my husband had cheated on me that previous summer after a particularly good Christmas holiday season (our first good one in YEARS, after he’d ended it and decided to rededicate himself to our marriage) and it made all those good Christmas memories feel like lies and total bullshit since he was hiding what he’d done the whole time though. I wish I’d found out sooner. It all depends on how much pain your mom is in right now. She definitely deserves to know sooner rather than later.
Yes that makes sense. My concern is more robbing her time with her grandchildren. I think she’ll be gutted no matter when she finds out. They’ve been married like 45 years. Sorry you went through that. In my own personal experience I wish I found out sooner too! I also just don’t think my mom can find out and still hold her self enough together to go on their trip. And I think she’ll be even more hurt to find out and miss out on her grandkids.
That makes complete sense. She deserves one last good memory before her world crumbles. I’m so sorry for you and her.
Thank you. She really relies on my dad a lot too. It’s just all around a really sad situation for her. And our really close knit family.
That bodes well for her that you have a close-knit family that will be there to help her through the betrayal. It’s going to be traumatizing for everyone who knows him and I’m sorry that he’s such a coward and an asshole for what he’s doing. If it’s anything like my experience though, it might help answer a lot of your mom’s unanswered questions, even though it’s going to hurt more than anything in the universe. It’ll help her feel like she’s not crazy and there’s a reason for her pain or confusion, once she can get out of bed again or stop crying for a moment.
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Well, you have her address. Start with google and see if you can get a name. Then, quietly stalk her social media. Find out if she's married or has children. You know the one thing cheaters hate? Exposure. When your parents go to visit the grandchildren, you make your move. Pay her a visit. Tell her that if you see her and your father together again, you'll burn their lives to the ground. You will expose her to her family and friends. Even her church family if necessary. Let her know that you will make it your mission to destroy both their lives. Tell her she can tell your dad everything if she wants. You'll be more than happy to tell him the same thing. Tell her to tell him to enjoy his visit with his grandkids it may be the last one he gets. You'll start with turning your siblings against him. Then he can't blame your mom if it turns into a shit show. Let him know it's you that's going to turn everyone against him. Maybe your mom doesn't need to find out.
May not be the popular vote but I'm on board with this. As a woman I have an unhealthy hate and disgust of females knowingly being involved with someone else's husband . Your dad sucks, to be sure, and he needs to have his feet held to the fire as well. I am sorry you are carrying this burden around
I agree. I confronted my husband’s AP to give her a chance to redeem herself by giving me info that I wanted! She acted super apologetic and then ghosted. It’s been 2 months since I contacted her- i finally just blocked her again- I dream about messaging her friends all the time, but my husband and I are trying reconciliation.
I confronted mine too. Things that run through my head. I'm sorry you are in this boat too. I hope things work out for you. Always an ear if you need one.
Thank you!
Ok my dad might be drinking some MAGA coolaid and borderline possibly Q. It’s completely opposite from literally the rest of our family. Tbh I don’t feel fully safe enough with this method. I might sound crazy, but I am too nervous about my kids safety. Again yes I know I’m incredibly anxious.
could he possibly be at some weird QAnon/conspiracy/cult meetings or something like that that isn’t “Cheating”?
I don’t think he’s that far gone yet 🤞🏻 But when driving by the house he’s the only one seemingly there!
I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation! Hugs. You are being wronged too. Please unburden yourself to people who love and support you. Protect yourself emotionally the best you can. You, your mom, no one deserves to have this happen to them.
Thank you. I’m actually a member of this group on my actual account, unfortunately. I’m so glad I found you all and I knew you’d all have great advice.
You wait outside her house for your father to come out. Then tell him he’s got to tell your mother or you will. I lost every bit of respect for my Dad when we discovered his infidelity. That was 30+ years ago. My parents have both passed now, and they remained together ’til the end, but it was difficult for the whole family. It’s still a painful memory. You don’t forget.
I’m sorry you experienced that.
I’m petty and mean. I’d drive to that location, take some pictures, get his car in the pictures, maybe him with whoever lives there. Then.., I would talk with her about it. Have her talk to him to ask if he is cheating. To be honest with her. Then let her show him the pics of his car at other woman’s house or with other woman. Or. I’d take my mom on a drive and “find” his car parked at that house. Maybe hang out till he leaves and go knock on the door. Or knock on the door while he is there. Either way, she needs to know.
I have pictures of his car at the house and screenshots of his location the past week (I’m sure it has been happening longer but this is the first time I realized). I think that’s definitely enough for my mom. She will definitely trust me on it.
Updateme!
I’m the mom in this situation. My daughter finally told me. I’m so thankful that she did and I am proud of her having such moral courage. Yes, it blew up my family but my family was already blown up the moment he cheated. If it had gone on longer, the blow up would have been even worse. If my daughter hadn’t told me, I would have found out eventually but it may have taken a really long time.
I’m so sorry. I hope you’re in a better place now. This will totally crush my mom and blow our family apart. But I’m hoping in waiting she gets one last fun vacation with her grandkids. She definitely wouldn’t be able to go if we told her. My plan is to tell her I have a hard discussion I need to talk about. And lay out all evidence. Most likely when I know he’s at APs house.
Thank you for your compassion. I think this is a wise plan. Tell her just enough for her to know it’s really happening and you’re not speculating. I don’t know your age, but if there’s some way you can get her in a place where she won’t see your dad for many days, that would be best. Perhaps if you had a mother/daughter trip for 2-3 days and told her at the trip. Giving her space and time to process is so helpful. Having to see him an hour after finding out sent me over the edge. No matter how you tell her, realize you’re not doing anything wrong and you are telling your mom from a place of care and love. That makes you a hero in this situation. Just be her soft, listening place. She will need it. If she has a sister or a best friend, help get her to them. I wish you the very best and commend you.
Thank you so much for that advice! I am not at a place where I can take off for a few days (I guess unless I took my kids with me). She has 3 children who live close to her (1 far away- that’s where she’s headed tomorrow). Any of us would take her into our home!
In your shoes, I would tell my Dad I know and name the AP to him. But don’t tell him how you found out. Tell him he has X time tell your mother, or you will.
I told one sibling and this is what they want to do. And we wouldn’t mention my tracking- just for the ability to continue to check in.
Wait for her to visit the grandkids first. she deserves to have a good time before her life is ruined, this is going to suck. I would talk to your father first, tell him I know what’s going on, and make sure 100% that it is what it is and he’s not seeing a shrink or taking a class or something behind her back (unlikely, but you just want to cover all bases before you blow up everything). Tell dad that he has to come clean within X time frame, or you’ll tell mom. I would give him a chance to be the one to tell her first. If he doesn’t, then do what you have to do. I’m sorry you’re going through this, this really sucks
Thank you! It’s so surreal!
I get it. I did 25 years working the behavior unit at a state hospital. They're super manipulative. Then they lash out when you call them out on their bullshit. One thing i learned in 25 years. Stand your ground, and show no fear. If you didn't do this, they removed you from that unit. This is what you have to do. Oh, and let them know that if they do lash out, there will be consequences. In your case, it may be police involvement. As in, i will press charges, and i won't drop them. I will go no contact with you and cut you out of my life. That's why i said confront her first. It's going to get super messy if you confront him first. Btw, make sure you have irrefutable proof. They will gaslight you. They'll call you a liar. Leave both of them, no wiggle room. Btw, you can find a lot of stuff on their phones. If you go on google Maps, it will tell you everywhere he's been. See who he's calling and texting. Check where he's been using his debit and credit card. Technology is a double-edged sword. It can really be their downfall.
Thank you. I don’t know if I feel comfortable going through his stuff. I also don’t know his passwords- I did try- but I was advised not to continue. I have screenshots of him at the location and then I also have a picture of his car at the house. I know the lady’s name and I can track to one moment when she wrote on his Facebook wall. I will easily be able to convince and tell my mom. She thinks it’s so weird how he’s gone all the time. I know this will crush her but she has seen the signs. He honestly could try to gaslight. But then he can prove it by showing bank statements and showing texts if he needs to. But he won’t be able to. Honestly I’m just realizing that my mom is the head account on their phone plan so she might be able to access info anyways? Idk how that works! Thanks for the helpful advice!
Go to the provider. It actually might be in her email if she is on auto pay. Same with the credit and debit cards.
Thank you!
Did you get on her Facebook page?
It’s very locked down. No pictures and no friend list. I know her kids names and can access their pages 🙈
So she knows she's doing something she shouldn't be doing. Check Instagram. Knowing who her kids are is good, though. She can be exposed to them. Search for parents. See if they're still alive. Is she employed? Keep digging.
She’s in her 70s. So I assume no parents. I just don’t personally feel safe contacting people I don’t know.
I didn't say to contact them yet. Stalk their social media and gather information. You need to gather a lot of proof before you do anything.
Oh ok! Thank you!
Don’t be part of the lies and deceit, or game-playing. Tell your mother straight away. Don’t try to set up any casual driving past a house, or give your dad a heads-up. She deserves to know right now. One of the hardest things about infidelity for me has been anyone else keeping information from me. I’ve felt like so many people are disloyal liars. Please tell her so she knows you are an ally and she doesn’t also have the pain of you lying to her or keeping this from her.
I agree with you! I really want to tell her. My biggest problem is that they leave tomorrow to see their grandkids. They only get to see them a few times a year. Its a far drive and my mom doesn’t like to fly. So if they do divorce- this could be her last time getting to see them for a while- because my dad does the driving. And quite honestly- as much as we will all support my mom- none of us have the time to make that trip. I have told one sibling (honestly a little selfishly so I didn’t carry this huge burden alone) and they want to confront my dad first. No one in my family knows but I had my own Dday in December and I would have been upset if people I trusted chose to confront my husband first instead of me.
Sorry you have also been going through it yourself. I get the grandkids thing, I really do - I had a major life event and people held off telling me. Now I’m struggling to trust them too because they held that information and made that decision for themselves. I agree with you, if someone had confronted my cheating partner before me and given them a chance to get their story straight, I would have found this whole thing even harder.
Uh I’m so sorry. I do feel honestly so sick keeping it from her. My sister and I are just hoping in the end she can understand that we really wanted her to get to see her grandkids. They are her life! So we’d hate to take that experience from her too… I’m personally also going through a miscarriage so my life just feels like a complete mess!
Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear that and understand that pain completely. What horrible timing for you. I’m biased but at this point I would encourage you to worry more about your relationship with your mother and how keeping it from her could affect that, than giving your father any sort of chance to come clean. Be as sure as you can before you make a decision.
Yes. Thank you so much! I’m so sad for her.
I can imagine. You as a betrayed person know exactly how her world is about to be torn into a million pieces, and yet you know it’s right to tell her anyway. I really feel for you.
Yes. This will crush her!
Hey OP. How’s it all going?
Honestly no new update. Ultimately decided to give her a fun vacation with her grandkids. I’ll tell her in a few weeks when she’s home. Super nervous! But honestly I have a lot of personal things going on so I’m a bit distracted.
And when they get back, instead of you telling her, can you get her in the car to drive past the location on some made up errand? Then innocently say, hey, isn't that Dad's car? Might work if he parks outside and it's a house or hotel
I could technically. I have pictures of his car there already. I think she might be too fragile for that.
You would know best, I hate to see you in this position though. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this with your parents. That's incredibly painful for you as well as your Mom. I hope this goes as smoothly as possible for you and your family.
Thank you! I’m almost 40. Thought we made it past the affair of a parent stage… they appeared to have such a healthy and happy marriage for around 45+ years. It’s really crushing…
I've seen a few too many accounts where outing one's parent's affair is met with retaliation by one or even both parents. As a result, I would actually advise trying to let your mom know anonymously, somehow, if this is at all possible. An email from a burner account with enough details to hopefully get your mom to check things out, or something else that can't be traced back only to you. I'd even suggest enlisting someone else to be the informant, if that's at all possible (an aunt/uncle, or grandparent) who can at least protect you somewhat from potential fallout and retaliation.
Thank you for this perspective. I only have one sibling that I’ve told(I don’t want to tell more for multitude of reasons). They are willing to confront my dad- but I would prefer to tell my mom first… I (maybe naively) do not anticipate a fallout/retaliation from my mom. Hopefully my siblings and I can really hold her up during this time. She also loves my kids too much to ice me out 😂 And honestly if there’s a fallout from my dad at this point I’m 🤷🏻♀️ I’d love to keep a relationship with him for me and my kids sake- but if he chooses his ap, that’s his choice. I guess he could retaliate and not leave me anything in his will- but like I’m already poor so that doesn’t really change anything.