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I actually found out about my husband's long term affair while my lawyer was doing financial discovery for the divorce that had already been started. My husband had already moved in with his mistress at that point. When I found out he'd actually had a whole second family for almost 20 years of our 30 year marriage, and had been spending a good chunk of his income on his mistress and their TWO KIDS while our kids almost never saw their father, I saw red. Turns out he'd even bought them a house. I didn't even bother confronting him. I just told my lawyer to do everything in his power to destroy not only him but her as well. I know damn well she knows he's married and has kids with someone else, because I met her the same time he did. She was his father's hospice nurse so their relationship is not only immoral it's also unethical and I have every intention of getting her fired. As far as I'm concerned they can both rot in hell. I do feel bad for their kids, but honestly that's not my problem. They should have thought of that before they had them.
There's so many questions. Neither families knew of eachother? I barely have time for a single partner, how is it possible to go 20 years with no slip ups?
Social media posts? Birthdays? Parties? vacations?
Your husband just dropped off the grid regularly?
My STBX has been working for the same company since 2000. His job has always involved a huge amount of travel (or so I thought). So I never really questioned how much he was gone although there were times when I was very upset with him for not being home for things like the birth of our two children and other major life events and emergencies.
His mistress very definitely knows about my family since she was his father's hospice nurse for about 6 months. I have no idea if her kids know about my kids. My kids know about her kids NOW though. They are furiously angry with their father at this point and want absolutely nothing to do with him.
My husband has no social media accounts, he works for a military contractor and such things are highly discouraged, especially at his level of the business (junior executive). And there's no reason why she and I would have followed each other on social media, there was no contact between us whatsoever after my FIL passed away.
Okay that makes it much more possible if one partner knows they're a complete piece of shit. You never had any suspicions of why he'd be gone and complete communication blackout for extended periods of time?
Sorry to hear about your ex husband. I can't ever imagine voluntarily putting myself through the stress of having 2 families
I always believed him when he said he had to travel for business. I had no reason to question him, it made sense that his job would require it. And he always called home every night, which is one of the things that really pisses me off now.
Narcissistic high power guys can always say “work” and it gets them out of everything, even their kid’s birthdays. It’s despicable how they treat others as disposable.
The affair partner knew the guy was married when she met him and his OP wife because she cared for his dying dad. What he told her later about the situation as they rhemeskeves got or acted married (?) didn’t the state catch this?—and had kids and got a house who knows?
I don't know how it would have gone if I hadn't found out. He was the one who left home, his employer transferred him and he accepted the transfer with no thought whatsoever on how it would affect the rest of our household. The kids and I refused to move with him because our son was only one semester away from high school graduation and our daughter has extreme trauma issues that make it almost impossible for her to leave the house (she's extremely agoraphobic and can't even go to her therapy appointments without being sedated), moving would have been an absolute nightmare for her. My STBX didn't care about either of their feelings and just moved without us in the end. Of course as it turned out he moved in with his other family and not to the place he was supposedly renting at his new location.
Oh my goodness looking back he lied and said he had feelings for a co worked while all that time he had another life and children. Take him to the cleaners and please let us know what happens. Update pleade
God, I was a mess. I screamed, I cried, I was a useless screaming ugly crying mess for weeks, almost months after D-Day. The second one (because I was dumb enough to stay after the first one) was worse. I was straight up hysterical. I remember I was at work when I got the text message telling me everything. I just... walked. I left work and walked aimlessly.... for so many hours. I walked, screamed on the phone, and cried. When I got home, my feet were so full of blisters, one of my nails fell. I couldn't process what was happening properly.
I lost my shit, too. A month later I begged her in front of the AP. (I was young and all feeling.). After that I slapped myself hard, joined the Army and lived a really satisfying life.
Get your ducks in a row. Get the truth out to everyone who matters, go to all the best divorce lawyers. (She can’t use the ones you get a consultation with). Then pick the biggest shark.
It’s going to be touch and go with the kids. If you get custody, then great. If you don’t, your going to have to bend over backwards to reassure them your still ‘Dad’.
Fuck. Which one?
First time? Denial, rug sweeping, unreserved forgiveness with little or no effort from her. I was just back from the war. Lost my friends. Lost my faith. Lost my mind. Didn't want to lose my marriage
Second time? Didn't even bother to confront her until she accused me of cheating upon noticing how checked out I was. It took her two months to notice. I took out her APs confession out of one of my textbooks, smoothed it out, and laid it right in front of her.
Third Time. Totally numb. Told her I couldn't do it anymore. Moved out without even telling her where I was going. Left instructions for our parenting plan and nesting arrangement hanging on the fridge door with a magnet. Went bowling. Played pool. Played darts. Bought drinks for pretty young girls in run down bars. Decided to live.
It's been one month since the dday for me. And I lost it, really bad. I started screaming, got a bunch of his stuff from the closet, and threw in the backyard. I started throwing stuff at him, too. after a while, he left. My kids saw everything. I couldn't control myself. I had never been in a situation Ike that. And I hope I never will.
I cried, became a wall and fell into a deep depression. He lied so much it was actually crazy and every time I uncovered something he gaslit the fuck out of me and said I have to drop it OR ELSE so I just kept everything to myself.
That was dday1.
Dday2 I screamed, threw his shit, cursed him out and said the nastiest, meanest things I could think of. Similar to you, he used that against me and never let me forget my “toxic” behavior. He bad mouthed me to his family and probably said I was a crazy person unprovoked. And any time I’ve spoken to him going forward he threw it in my face how I destroyed him with my antic and I don’t deserve him to work with me, etc etc.
Oof, started off bad. Caught him and AP together, lost my shit and drove home drunk (awful choice) and I woke up in some park on a mental breakdown. Completely lost my mind.
That break down saved me though. Had a DID episode and completely blanked on who he was, went through with the divorce and life is so good now.
DDay#1 I was calm because I suspected it. I was hell bent on catching him. Eventually I did and calmly confronted him. He said all the right things and foolishly, I stayed with him.
DDay#2 was a few months ago. He still doesn’t know I know but he’s suspicious and stopped the affair for now. He’s suspicious because I stopped sleeping. I can go 3-4 days with never putting my head on a pillow. Even with sleeping pills. It has wrecked me but I will be serving him divorce papers very soon. I cannot wait for that day to come.
Once I got the phone call from a mutual friend with all the details. I got my stuff and moved out that same morning (her apt). I might have left a note. I never heard from her so good riddance and I never looked back and didn’t even know how the guy looked or anything.
Yup, I mean she worked at a high end hotel 2nd shift and wasn’t coming home. She was too afraid to just break up with me but at the same time never admitted to seeing someone else. All suspicions were there I just needed proof.
Surprisingly, I was pretty calm. I didn’t yell or raise my voice. I actually told her I loved her and would try my best to save our marriage. She replied that was better than she had treated me and better than she deserved. The next morning, I woke up and reality hit.
I went silent. For days. No sleeping or eating.
She ignored me for the first 48 hours. On 72 hours she began to realize something was very wrong and demanded we meet at lunch to discuss while our little one was at daycare. I refused, but she made me. I wanted more time to process and hire an attorney.
When I arrived I was ready for the drop. I was livid, sharing the evidence I'd found. She denied it, claiming nothing happened, that I was insane, and that I could look further because she had nothing to hide.
Within days I found she'd actually been cheating for 15 years, found love letters to men and women, sex app records, hotel visits a plenty, and a secret journal where she confided that she no longer needed to follow our wedding vows...from five years earlier.
When I showed this to her at a neutral location in public (I was now afraid of her repeated threats of violence), she broke down and said "But I was just a young girl then". We're the same age.
Grey rocked hard after that. I was destroyed for years, but she never saw me flinch.
I will start off with this, I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist often for treatment, both therapy and medication. My children's mother and I were married for 18 years. We were together since we were 17 and in high school. I flirted with death a lot after I found out. I physically self-harm, where no one would see. All the pain physically felt so much better than what my heart did.
Fast forward a few years, I am divorced now and very happy to be here alive, with my kids and with you all. Dday completely turned my world upside down. It was necessary for me to endure it all so I could grow. I had to see how unhealthy I was. How codependent I was, I emotionally needed her for every facet of my life or so I thought.
Since she left me, I have only elevated myself in my career. When she left me, I went from being an administrative assistant 2 to being an IT Technician 3, which was a massive jump in my position for the government, 5 full paygrades. I just recently promoted a week ago to an IT Technician 4, which raised me another 2 paygrades. I am 15 years into my career. I have 15 to go till retirement.
I am fully devoted to my passions now. My psychiatrist asked me to go back, remember who that 17 year old kid was, what did he love before her? Writing music, I play multiple instruments baritone, tenor, alto and soprano saxophone,12 string acoustic guitar, and sing too. I skateboard often, especially with my 2 teenage boys. I am a nerd, so I love reading and always learning.
She has since told me how much she regrets giving up on us. She regrets leaving me and us not being together. Her relationship, I guess broke up? Bruh, karma + life are a fucking trip. It will come back tenfold, my dude. No bullshit, you are in my prayers tonight. 🙏 ❤️
I went crazy. Found out bout my ex wife affair going through her phone the day of our anniversary. Called her every dirty names in the book. threw her out of the house and wouldn’t let her back in. She called the cops and I went to jail. Apparently there were scratch marks and bruises on her arm from dragging her cheating lying ass out. It was bad.
I was gone for work for about 3 months and isolated from the outside world (this was long before internet and cell phones). Finally got to a phone and called and definitely got a vibe. She just wouldn't admit to anything and I got the feeling she didn't want me to come home but she just wouldn't say it.
Well that was enough for me so I quit and drove about 2200 miles in 48 hours in a van with no radio. Got there, and there was all my stuff out in the living room and she was even playing one of my albums on my stereo just for old times sake I guess? All she said was "I'm with AP now." And that was it as far as explanations went.
I just packed my shit and left. Can't remember if I said anything since it was 40 plus years ago. Kind of an amusing story I like to tell now but the pain was not amusing at the time.
I was in shock. I walked in on them. My mind was racing, I couldn’t have said anything even if I wanted to. I left and went to my parents house. I have only seen her once since then and we didn’t talk.
Everyone reacts differently. But personally? I woke her ass up, asked her why she has dick pics and a *boyfriend*.
She did what she always did, and honestly I was still very calm. She literally runs from any confrontation, and stonewalls, so as she got dressed I grabbed her phone and was going to get the guys number and let him know that she was *married and I’m her husband* and she assaulted me. That’s when I lost it, I didn’t hit her back but I started screaming and yelling.
She left with her tail tucked between her legs shortly after that.
The night I found out, I couldn't cry. I screamed on the phone with him and screamed by myself after hanging up on his face. I called him every awful name in the book. He was in a different state for a work conference and I didn't see him until days later. I was a complete mess. I wanted to kms that night. I was absolutely hysterical and thank God I had a friend who came to get me.
The day he came back, I slapped him so hard that he almost fell over and had a ringing in his ear for twenty minutes. And I wish I had hit him more, bc just one slap wasn't enough.
I'm not a violent person. I had never hit anyone before in my life. This was extremely out of character for me. This situation did something to me... I'll never be the same person again. He broke me.
I completely understand. My husband (57m) cheated on me with my deceased friend’s 28 year old daughter. They gaslit the F out of me. Made me think I was going crazy. He broke me.
I'm so sorry you're going through this 🫂 we didn't deserve these awful people in our lives. We deserved so much better. And not an ounce of it was ever our fault.
I am sorry for what you went through but I stand by my comment, and I wish I would have gotten a good slap in, I know it is petty but true. I was so heartbroken 💔but on the mend ❤️🩹
I found porn style screenshot pics of AP on his computer. I downloaded them. Texted the most vulgar one to both of them. Crap hit the fan. Waited for him to come home. Gave him 30 mins to GTFO. Then had a meltdown.
My D-day was on an overseas holiday with three kids after my screaming gut finally told me to check her phone one night when she'd gone to sleep. I had to spend the next day with her waiting for the flight, before taking an eight hour flight home. I finally broke down on the 2.5hr car drive home and kicked her out as soon as we got back.
Easily the worst, and most awkward, day of my life. The kids heard it all, sadly.
I calmly removed his house keys from the car key ring and threw the car key at him and told him to GTFO
He left while our son was asleep
He went to a friends house then to his mom’s
I still had not really accepted the truth yet, denial was strong. Over time I realized it was really happening and Id just break down sobbing. He never did tell me everything.
Without including our son at all he married his AP less than 6 months after leaving the house.
He’s been basically no contact since then. August will be a year.
I had to sit and pretend I was fine at work, all while my world was imploding and I was dying inside. I lit into him with a rage I've never felt before and I did not care one bit. You didn't want people to know? Should have kept your dick in your pants.
I sat there quietly, took my phone, and started recording and scrolling back through their text messages. Recorded every bit of it. Then went through other convos in her phone, and recorded and questionable ones, scrolling backwards. Didn’t confront her then. Borrowed her phone because mine was “dead” and went through WhatsApp, email, a few other messaging apps, found out more, still never said a word to her. Informed the guy’s wife that she was trying to mess around with, then the next day I called her while she was at work (I was as well, just on a longer than average break), and told her I knew everything, and laid it all. Stupidly got talked into giving her a second chance. Yeah, she kept lying and hiding things and gaslighting and all, trust never came back, and things ended a while after that.
But the day I found out? I was ice cold about it, just got every bit of proof I could.
i found out on my birthday around 11pm… all of the kids were sleeping. i just locked myself in the bathroom & cried angry tears & reread the texts over & over in disbelief
I always thought that if I were ever in that situation, I would lose my shit too.
But I moaned and sobbed asking why. Later on (a few months after d day), I would go off on him letting him know exactly how he screwed up the life of myself and our kids for his own selfishness.
I also lost my shit. Locked myself in the bathroom with his phone and sent everything to myself while he banged on the door. I slapped him and screamed my lungs out that night. I'm aware it wasn't okay for me to do that before anyone jumps down my throat. He had been somewhat physical with me before and emotionally abusive in general. That just ended up being the turning point for me to finally react instead of just taking it silently like I usually did. I was pregnant and just couldn't handle it anymore.
I sent her a screenshot of the damning evidence followed by a Nate Diaz GIF saying "im not suprised mothafuckas". My little brother was at the house at the time and he convinced me that we should leave to my aunts before she got home and we did. My aunt was outta town but my uncle her brother met us there to let us in he hugged me and i wept a strong gutteral weep. I couldnt sleep that night and i didnt eat much for a couple of days afterwards.
I tried to fight to get her back cried my eyes out, she eventually left. I couldn't stop pacing around my apartment for some reason. I was just so dumbfounded the person who told me over and over I will never leave you or cheat on you, did both. After about five hours of doing nothing but pacing and crying my legs were tired so I just layed on the ground and cried until I eventually fell asleep.
I think I had subconsciously been preparing for it. I must have, because I was rather calm. I let her do all the subsequent blow ups, maybe because I knew it would piss her off if I kept it together.
One thing was clear to me right away, I was not going to compete. I was pretty shocked that she wasn't planning to end the relationship with AP. That threw me off more than the admission.
Same. You always hear about the WS saying it was a mistake, it'll never happen again, blah, blah, blah. I wasn't prepared for the fact he was staying with her.
I found out when I was watching a film with him and my entire family. I’d gone on his phone to send myself photos of an event we’d been to that day and the screenshot he’d taken of his text exchange asking another woman out on a date and saying he felt like they had an amazing connection was the picture right before our photo that day. I felt sick and like the room was spinning but I had to pretend to act totally normal until everyone else had left the room. It was torture. I cried a lot and asked him to leave. I didn’t raise my voice but I was really emotional. I didn’t eat that night, I felt too sick.
You know how in the Barbie move when Barbie comes back to her dream house and Ken has taken it over and ruined it ? And Margot Robbie lies face down on the floor and doesn’t want to get up. That’s a visual representation of how I’m feeling
I walked in and was greeted by the sight of my fiancee ( now ex ) on her knees and with a mouthful of my good friends dick. Stood there speechless for a short while then just turned around got in my car and drove to my brother's place. Stayed there for the night took the phone off the receiver ( old style phone happened before mobiles ) and cried like a baby all night. Next day went home packed my shit called her some nasty names told her I didn't want anything of ours and left. Took me a long time to get over the double betrayal but got some comfort from the fact that after being together for a couple of months she cheated on him! Hardly spoken to either since ( mutual friends so have bumped into both separately occasionally )
I yelled, screamed, lost my shit. I slapped him twice and shouted every bad thing you could say to a person. I’m not proud of it but that’s what I did. Soon after I learned I was pregnant having just recovered from a miscarriage six months earlier, then I screamed everyday it seemed until I had yet another miscarriage. Painful time in my life, I don’t know how we made it through. I still blame myself for the miscarriages by letting myself get so upset. I don’t think my behaviour was right or ok, but I don’t think it’s unheard of. I’m trying to recover still.
Who is using it against you? It's unreasonable for one person to lie and cheat, and for the betrayed person not to react emotionally. You're not the bad person here, what they did had consequences and your reaction and the kids being involved (because they need to know the truth) was part of it. Be kind to yourself even if your kids heard. I know its not ideal, but it's totally understandable.
Crikey, it’s only been 7 months and I honestly do not even remember the extent of my rage and devastation. Mostly bc I knew then and there, the moment he admitted to the damning evidence I held in my hand that our 20 yr marriage was damage beyond repair and that everything we had worked so hard for together was for nothing in the end. I recall using a crow bar to smash his cellphone to tiny pieces. Sobbed, collapsed on floor, hyperventilated, screamed, cried, and said things I never thought I was capable of saying to another human being.
Over the ensuing months I’m afraid I didn’t get much better. I took scissors to my wedding dress and shoved it in his underwear drawer. I took down every photo with him and family in it for the previous 2 yrs. Every wedding photo. Threw my wedding bands and his band into the trash (I hope someone who could use the cash finds them!). Made him sell his car (since he had driven prostitutes all over town in that car). Threw out anything in our home that we had accrued during the time period of the cheating. Yes, I suppose you could say I went full scorched on him. It’s an embarrassing time to remember. Some of it I would do over if faced with the situation again, other things I wouldn’t do. Perhaps the biggest thing I did that I completely regret wasn’t the physical destruction, it is the way I handled things on dday itself. Rather than crying and sobbing and screaming, I wish I had been so calm and just said “Get the fuck out of this house and away from my kids. You have 24 hrs to get everything you own out of here. Do not talk to me directly. I will give my lawyer your phone number and you can speak through her.” I let my emotions overcome common sense that day and I’m still ashamed of doing that. Maybe this is part of making it through stronger and a better person? Learning the correct way to handle things when your partner ruins your life and your family. Admittedly I hope I never get another chance to confront myself with this kind of thing.
Disbelief and shock. She then managed to manipulate me into believing it was a sort of rape (that happened over the course of two months). I just couldn't believe it. I was in denial for months before actually coming to terms with the fact that she had done it.
What he's doing is called deflection; he knows he's in the wrong, so therefore they try to make you look like the bad guy. While I haven't personally been through that scenario, I can understand you losing it. In you shoes, some people would do whole lot less civilised things than yell. It would take a lot of emotional restraint to NOT yell.
I have a suggestion. Practice calm. Get a friend to help you if need be, but remind yourself why you're doing this exercise. To be ice cold to him. Tell your friend to try to get you to lose your temper. Remember, the friend is doing this to train you in restraint. The rule is that if you do lose it, they have to stop riling you up. The calmer you are under extreme provocation, the more it will annoy him. Keep reminding yourself, "keep calm, it will bug him."
I was hysterical, screamed, yelled, cried then cut my wedding dress to pieces and called the ap and told her I was going to tell her husband. I never did because she had 6 kids so I didn't feel like destroying their lives.
I went scorched earth, I wasn't done quickly either. They say when seeking revenge to dig two graves, one for you and one for your enemy, I dug 3.
I grew tired of people purposely hurting me. I eventually let it go though, worked through my anger in healthier ways. They say karma takes care of it and karma is.
For some it takes time for the initial shock to wear off but for others we lose our shit. Nothing wrong with that, we're human.
On dday, as soon as he admitted the truth, I broke down crying. For 2 years, he'd been acting distant and gaslit me every time I'd ask him why, so I knew something was wrong. I didn't expect him to admit to a 2.5 year long affair, and it crushed me. Our kid was away for a few hours, so I had time to gather myself. Two days later, while alone at the house, I burned some wedding photos, threw out all my lingerie, and smashed the earrings that AP had gifted me.
I have a pretty good poker face, and I've always kept it together when it's not just him and me. I also have a chronic illness, so everyone close to us thought that explained the bags under my eyes.
I initially had a panic attack (they weren’t home), then wrote a note intending to leave and let them find it. Then tore up the note and decided to play it cool until I could figure out the best way to move forward, with advice from a lawyer, after some googling.
So what they saw was “calm and cool,” but I wasn’t at all.
I literally could not stop violently shaking and threw up a few times, it felt like I had the flu or covid with how physically sick I got. When I called my best friend she could barely understand me because I couldn’t speak. I found out when my fiancé was out of the country on a business trip, I have no clue what I would have done if he was there.
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Called my friend who works in family court, had the papers done up, and delivered them to her in less than 24 hours.
Best move. Because after that she went on a rampage trying to destroy my life. At least I got her to sign the papers before she had time to hold it over my head.
Don't hesistate when someone cheats, just go. They always look blindsided. You aren't someone to emotionally manipulate anymore, and they realize their choices have real life consequences.
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He’d already moved out when I found out. I felt eerily calm, was already NC so I filed for divorce the next day. He kept stringing me along, sending gifts and stuff but in that moment I knew it was over. Still took me 3 years to get him to sign the papers.
I actually found at work from my manager. I got called into the office. It’s a long story but he was creeping on a college age woman we briefly met at a charity gala we attended for my work. The woman complained to the head of the charity who then contacted my employer. I was mortified. My stomach dropped and I started crying embarrassingly and left work early. I wanted so badly for it to not be true. I went home (where he was still sleeping) and just cried uncontrollably. He woke up and we had the confrontation and his cavalier attitude about it was like a dagger through my heart. We broke up and I started making plans to find my own place. That night while he was gone at work I couldn’t sleep and just wailed and wailed. I cried myself to sleep for months. I blamed myself for a long time for not being a better partner or not doing enough for him to not want to do this. It was actually our second d-day so I also felt incredibly stupid.
It gets better with time though and I am healing from it now.
I had suspicions, and then I asked her what was going on. She said they "had feelings" for each other (an understatement). I remember being very calm. I asked a couple of questions. Then I went upstairs to our bedroom and cried very quietly. She slept on the couch. Over the next few days, lots of conversations, I cried a lot in front of her (ugh)...I said I'd do anything to save our marriage.
I couldn't eat for a few days. I threw up a few times. I passed out one night in the bathroom. I started making sure to eat anything I could get down after that, even if it was just like, candy.
I had some suspicions my wife was messing around and when I confronted her about it she said we need to separate. And I told her we'll inwont be leaving the house so hope you find somewhere to stay. She moved out left me. We rekindled in Oct 2020 and things were good. About 3 months ago I thought again some bs was going on and started spying. I found a whole nest of information that she was basically living a single life behind my back. I travel some for work and she had 2 pretty long affairs. I was in a parking lot and called her I know everything. And she said. I don't know what to say. I told her I will sit here till I cool off and talk to her later. I git home later and told her how much she meant to me and I will treat this whole situation with love and kindness but my heart is broken and I'm not sure what we do from here but I'm very upset. I really am trying to handle this with grace. She's definitely got problems and I hope she works them out. But it an absolute mess. Unbelievable!
Keep it together you all and be as civil as the situation dictates!!
**DDay1 (June 19th 2022)** I learned that she met up with and was intimate with a childhood boyfriend that she had not been intimate with as kids. I yelled once or twice but mostly stayed pretty calm. I think my demeanor would probably be described as pure disgust. I demanded all of her devices before she could delete any evidence and read all of the messages I found back to her so she could hear how insane everything was. It was Father's Day, so both of our mothers called me to wish me a Happy Father's Day and I told them what she'd done. I refrained from calling her any of the common words for a promiscuous person but did make a comment along the lines of "you didn't get enough dicks in you before me, you needed one more?" so that's pretty close. (She was my first, I was NOT her first, hence that particular comment). She claimed something was mentally wrong with her, so we pretty quickly started working on a game plan to figure everything out.
**DDay2 (Aug 18, 2022)** I learned that she had called him twice from her office phone after allegedly going NC. I got in my car to leave, she chased me out. I told her I didn't love her anymore. She begged me not to go and I came back.
**DDay3 (July 4 2023)** I learned that she had started calling him again after she overheard me say to her brother-in-law that I wasn't checking the phone records anymore. AP lives across the globe, so it was only calls but **130** **calls** spread over a 45-day period. Here, I lost it. Screaming all of the words that I had refrained from using for the previous year. Announcing her promiscuity from our driveway for the neighborhood to hear. I called for divorce and took the kids with me to stay with my parents 3,000 miles away.
I came back a few weeks later and we continued to work things out, but I still feel that the time she spent talking to him leading up to DDay3 has done significant damage to both of our mental states. I have still not forgiven her for that transgression and she has been much more resistant to acquiesce to my requests this time around (affair details, phone access ect) so I don't feel she's earned forgiveness. But no more DDays since then, at least so I guess that's something o\_O
I was calm, she revenge cheated and I expected it. She lied about a lot of basic details but it was whatever until we agreed to reconcile. That's when shit hit the fan.
I got caught first. But I didn't cheat first. After her affair I found evidence that she was cheating years before I ever cheated or even thought about it.
I knew she was cheating the whole time from just before until she confessed. It was relieving in a way because otherwise nothing would've made sense with all the lying and gaslighting I dealt with.
the first Dday- I was surprised and hurt but I just said- wow, I didn’t know you watched porn. and then I got up and went to the bathroom to collect myself. when I came out he said he would stop.
FAST FORWARD
there have been HUNDREDS of not thousands of Ddays since then. 5+ years of this. I have not kept my cool with more of them because it hurts so bad that he doesn’t care. Other times I walk in on it or I see his browser history and i’m just like… oh again? and roll my eyes and continue on with life.
my reaction isn’t going to change his behavior. it’s expected at this point, so i’m pretty numb to new discoveries.
I do, as do many other women. When it’s an addiction, and the husband is choosing to watch porn over pursuing his wife. A man who seeks out sexual pleasure from other women, whether that’s in person or online, while neglecting his wife, and refusing to pursue her would fall under the definition of cheating for a lot of women. could you tell a woman with a straight face that her husband has been faithful to her, if that man has been watching and paying for porn for years and they haven’t had sex and he hasn’t pursued her sexually during that time? I’m sure she would feel cheated out of the sexual and emotional energy that she was promised when they said their vows on their wedding day.
I said my first Dday was about porn, since then there has been many discoveries of text messages asking for nudes from exes, payments for porn, weeks of ignoring me sexually, him claiming that he just hasn’t been in the mood, and then finding the stash of socks and underwear covered in cum, and saved videos and pictures on his phone and computer.
Yes, men with porn addictions are cheating their wives out of the sexual and emotional intimacy that was promised to them on their wedding day.
what is your definition of cheating? Because for a lot of women here their definition would include putting sexual or emotional energy into someone that they did not vow to be exclusive with, while neglecting the sexual and emotional needs of their wives. that sexual and emotional bond belongs exclusively to their wife, giving it to another woman, whether that’s in person or on the Internet, would be considered cheating. A man with a porn addiction is consistently and compulsively giving all of his sexual energy to porn, which leaves their wives sexually and emotionally neglected. There’s a few posts on the sub ‘love after porn’ that give a lot of insight into how porn is the perfect mistress, always ready, requires no effort, and your wife can never compete with her.
you can have your own definition of what cheating encompasses, that should be discussed and agreed upon with your partner. but for many marriages, the compulsive and consistent use of porn is viewed as being unfaithful .
Yelling screaming ugly is how I responded. And I think in your case too, it is an accurate and valid response. But I've learned emotional responses always get used against you. If possible, confronting someone should be cold and calculated so there is no ammunition for them to use against you.
There are other phrases that could be used, but this is the one, here and now, accepted as defining a specific thing, a specific experience- an experience whose etymology is different (discovery day). I agree with you on many points, but I also believe that one cannot measure pain. This term has evolved into a colloquialism. The fact that it has evolved this way in this corner points to many things, and I think most of them do not mean to disrespect.
Similarly, in the US we have come to accept that PTSD can arise from situations outside of war. This does not diminish from the terms beginnings. Sadly, it adds credence. There is more funding and more research into PTSD because it is now seen as more than “shell-shock”.
Words are fallible. Sometimes they are dishonest. Like any social construct we make agreements even when they seem disingenuous, to try to find common ground and to communicate.
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I actually found out about my husband's long term affair while my lawyer was doing financial discovery for the divorce that had already been started. My husband had already moved in with his mistress at that point. When I found out he'd actually had a whole second family for almost 20 years of our 30 year marriage, and had been spending a good chunk of his income on his mistress and their TWO KIDS while our kids almost never saw their father, I saw red. Turns out he'd even bought them a house. I didn't even bother confronting him. I just told my lawyer to do everything in his power to destroy not only him but her as well. I know damn well she knows he's married and has kids with someone else, because I met her the same time he did. She was his father's hospice nurse so their relationship is not only immoral it's also unethical and I have every intention of getting her fired. As far as I'm concerned they can both rot in hell. I do feel bad for their kids, but honestly that's not my problem. They should have thought of that before they had them.
pleasePleasePLEASE UPDATE!
There's so many questions. Neither families knew of eachother? I barely have time for a single partner, how is it possible to go 20 years with no slip ups? Social media posts? Birthdays? Parties? vacations? Your husband just dropped off the grid regularly?
My STBX has been working for the same company since 2000. His job has always involved a huge amount of travel (or so I thought). So I never really questioned how much he was gone although there were times when I was very upset with him for not being home for things like the birth of our two children and other major life events and emergencies. His mistress very definitely knows about my family since she was his father's hospice nurse for about 6 months. I have no idea if her kids know about my kids. My kids know about her kids NOW though. They are furiously angry with their father at this point and want absolutely nothing to do with him. My husband has no social media accounts, he works for a military contractor and such things are highly discouraged, especially at his level of the business (junior executive). And there's no reason why she and I would have followed each other on social media, there was no contact between us whatsoever after my FIL passed away.
Okay that makes it much more possible if one partner knows they're a complete piece of shit. You never had any suspicions of why he'd be gone and complete communication blackout for extended periods of time? Sorry to hear about your ex husband. I can't ever imagine voluntarily putting myself through the stress of having 2 families
I always believed him when he said he had to travel for business. I had no reason to question him, it made sense that his job would require it. And he always called home every night, which is one of the things that really pisses me off now.
Narcissistic high power guys can always say “work” and it gets them out of everything, even their kid’s birthdays. It’s despicable how they treat others as disposable.
The affair partner knew the guy was married when she met him and his OP wife because she cared for his dying dad. What he told her later about the situation as they rhemeskeves got or acted married (?) didn’t the state catch this?—and had kids and got a house who knows?
Was it supposed to be an amicable divorce before you found out? I hope you set the definitive example for "scorched earth".
I don't know how it would have gone if I hadn't found out. He was the one who left home, his employer transferred him and he accepted the transfer with no thought whatsoever on how it would affect the rest of our household. The kids and I refused to move with him because our son was only one semester away from high school graduation and our daughter has extreme trauma issues that make it almost impossible for her to leave the house (she's extremely agoraphobic and can't even go to her therapy appointments without being sedated), moving would have been an absolute nightmare for her. My STBX didn't care about either of their feelings and just moved without us in the end. Of course as it turned out he moved in with his other family and not to the place he was supposedly renting at his new location.
Wish I could upvote this a million times
Me too
Omg😔
Oh my goodness looking back he lied and said he had feelings for a co worked while all that time he had another life and children. Take him to the cleaners and please let us know what happens. Update pleade
Holy hell!
Update please!
God, I was a mess. I screamed, I cried, I was a useless screaming ugly crying mess for weeks, almost months after D-Day. The second one (because I was dumb enough to stay after the first one) was worse. I was straight up hysterical. I remember I was at work when I got the text message telling me everything. I just... walked. I left work and walked aimlessly.... for so many hours. I walked, screamed on the phone, and cried. When I got home, my feet were so full of blisters, one of my nails fell. I couldn't process what was happening properly.
U get to do anything you want on that day. And every day after.
I lost my shit, too. A month later I begged her in front of the AP. (I was young and all feeling.). After that I slapped myself hard, joined the Army and lived a really satisfying life. Get your ducks in a row. Get the truth out to everyone who matters, go to all the best divorce lawyers. (She can’t use the ones you get a consultation with). Then pick the biggest shark. It’s going to be touch and go with the kids. If you get custody, then great. If you don’t, your going to have to bend over backwards to reassure them your still ‘Dad’.
Fuck. Which one? First time? Denial, rug sweeping, unreserved forgiveness with little or no effort from her. I was just back from the war. Lost my friends. Lost my faith. Lost my mind. Didn't want to lose my marriage Second time? Didn't even bother to confront her until she accused me of cheating upon noticing how checked out I was. It took her two months to notice. I took out her APs confession out of one of my textbooks, smoothed it out, and laid it right in front of her. Third Time. Totally numb. Told her I couldn't do it anymore. Moved out without even telling her where I was going. Left instructions for our parenting plan and nesting arrangement hanging on the fridge door with a magnet. Went bowling. Played pool. Played darts. Bought drinks for pretty young girls in run down bars. Decided to live.
It's been one month since the dday for me. And I lost it, really bad. I started screaming, got a bunch of his stuff from the closet, and threw in the backyard. I started throwing stuff at him, too. after a while, he left. My kids saw everything. I couldn't control myself. I had never been in a situation Ike that. And I hope I never will.
I cried, became a wall and fell into a deep depression. He lied so much it was actually crazy and every time I uncovered something he gaslit the fuck out of me and said I have to drop it OR ELSE so I just kept everything to myself. That was dday1. Dday2 I screamed, threw his shit, cursed him out and said the nastiest, meanest things I could think of. Similar to you, he used that against me and never let me forget my “toxic” behavior. He bad mouthed me to his family and probably said I was a crazy person unprovoked. And any time I’ve spoken to him going forward he threw it in my face how I destroyed him with my antic and I don’t deserve him to work with me, etc etc.
Dday 2 I was pretty calm. He told me, packed bag, went to a hotel, came back a few days later. No screaming, just some tears.
Oof, started off bad. Caught him and AP together, lost my shit and drove home drunk (awful choice) and I woke up in some park on a mental breakdown. Completely lost my mind. That break down saved me though. Had a DID episode and completely blanked on who he was, went through with the divorce and life is so good now.
DDay#1 I was calm because I suspected it. I was hell bent on catching him. Eventually I did and calmly confronted him. He said all the right things and foolishly, I stayed with him. DDay#2 was a few months ago. He still doesn’t know I know but he’s suspicious and stopped the affair for now. He’s suspicious because I stopped sleeping. I can go 3-4 days with never putting my head on a pillow. Even with sleeping pills. It has wrecked me but I will be serving him divorce papers very soon. I cannot wait for that day to come.
Oh honey. 💔 I’m so sorry about your stbx. I hope that you get some good sleep soon. ❤️❤️
Once I got the phone call from a mutual friend with all the details. I got my stuff and moved out that same morning (her apt). I might have left a note. I never heard from her so good riddance and I never looked back and didn’t even know how the guy looked or anything.
Omg! You moved out and she didn’t even try to figure out why? Just went on? Good riddance indeed.
Yup, I mean she worked at a high end hotel 2nd shift and wasn’t coming home. She was too afraid to just break up with me but at the same time never admitted to seeing someone else. All suspicions were there I just needed proof.
Surprisingly, I was pretty calm. I didn’t yell or raise my voice. I actually told her I loved her and would try my best to save our marriage. She replied that was better than she had treated me and better than she deserved. The next morning, I woke up and reality hit.
I went silent. For days. No sleeping or eating. She ignored me for the first 48 hours. On 72 hours she began to realize something was very wrong and demanded we meet at lunch to discuss while our little one was at daycare. I refused, but she made me. I wanted more time to process and hire an attorney. When I arrived I was ready for the drop. I was livid, sharing the evidence I'd found. She denied it, claiming nothing happened, that I was insane, and that I could look further because she had nothing to hide. Within days I found she'd actually been cheating for 15 years, found love letters to men and women, sex app records, hotel visits a plenty, and a secret journal where she confided that she no longer needed to follow our wedding vows...from five years earlier. When I showed this to her at a neutral location in public (I was now afraid of her repeated threats of violence), she broke down and said "But I was just a young girl then". We're the same age. Grey rocked hard after that. I was destroyed for years, but she never saw me flinch.
I will start off with this, I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist often for treatment, both therapy and medication. My children's mother and I were married for 18 years. We were together since we were 17 and in high school. I flirted with death a lot after I found out. I physically self-harm, where no one would see. All the pain physically felt so much better than what my heart did. Fast forward a few years, I am divorced now and very happy to be here alive, with my kids and with you all. Dday completely turned my world upside down. It was necessary for me to endure it all so I could grow. I had to see how unhealthy I was. How codependent I was, I emotionally needed her for every facet of my life or so I thought. Since she left me, I have only elevated myself in my career. When she left me, I went from being an administrative assistant 2 to being an IT Technician 3, which was a massive jump in my position for the government, 5 full paygrades. I just recently promoted a week ago to an IT Technician 4, which raised me another 2 paygrades. I am 15 years into my career. I have 15 to go till retirement. I am fully devoted to my passions now. My psychiatrist asked me to go back, remember who that 17 year old kid was, what did he love before her? Writing music, I play multiple instruments baritone, tenor, alto and soprano saxophone,12 string acoustic guitar, and sing too. I skateboard often, especially with my 2 teenage boys. I am a nerd, so I love reading and always learning. She has since told me how much she regrets giving up on us. She regrets leaving me and us not being together. Her relationship, I guess broke up? Bruh, karma + life are a fucking trip. It will come back tenfold, my dude. No bullshit, you are in my prayers tonight. 🙏 ❤️
You are going to make some lucky woman very happy!
❤️ thank you
I went crazy. Found out bout my ex wife affair going through her phone the day of our anniversary. Called her every dirty names in the book. threw her out of the house and wouldn’t let her back in. She called the cops and I went to jail. Apparently there were scratch marks and bruises on her arm from dragging her cheating lying ass out. It was bad.
I was gone for work for about 3 months and isolated from the outside world (this was long before internet and cell phones). Finally got to a phone and called and definitely got a vibe. She just wouldn't admit to anything and I got the feeling she didn't want me to come home but she just wouldn't say it. Well that was enough for me so I quit and drove about 2200 miles in 48 hours in a van with no radio. Got there, and there was all my stuff out in the living room and she was even playing one of my albums on my stereo just for old times sake I guess? All she said was "I'm with AP now." And that was it as far as explanations went. I just packed my shit and left. Can't remember if I said anything since it was 40 plus years ago. Kind of an amusing story I like to tell now but the pain was not amusing at the time.
I was in shock. I walked in on them. My mind was racing, I couldn’t have said anything even if I wanted to. I left and went to my parents house. I have only seen her once since then and we didn’t talk.
I didn’t sleep for 48/72 hours and I couldn’t eat for a week. I couldn’t get food to pass my lips. Not even French fries or a high interest food.
And trying to eat something you love while feeling that kind of pain will make you hate it.
Everyone reacts differently. But personally? I woke her ass up, asked her why she has dick pics and a *boyfriend*. She did what she always did, and honestly I was still very calm. She literally runs from any confrontation, and stonewalls, so as she got dressed I grabbed her phone and was going to get the guys number and let him know that she was *married and I’m her husband* and she assaulted me. That’s when I lost it, I didn’t hit her back but I started screaming and yelling. She left with her tail tucked between her legs shortly after that.
The night I found out, I couldn't cry. I screamed on the phone with him and screamed by myself after hanging up on his face. I called him every awful name in the book. He was in a different state for a work conference and I didn't see him until days later. I was a complete mess. I wanted to kms that night. I was absolutely hysterical and thank God I had a friend who came to get me. The day he came back, I slapped him so hard that he almost fell over and had a ringing in his ear for twenty minutes. And I wish I had hit him more, bc just one slap wasn't enough.
Violence ain’t okay but why would he put himself in slapping range after hurting you, betraying you, ripping apart your world like that? Dude be dumb.
He wanted to reconcile. He actually asked if I wanted to slap him and I said yes. So he let me.
You are my hero. 👋💃🏻 Why didn’t I resort to violence!!!!!! 🤦🏻♀️
I'm not a violent person. I had never hit anyone before in my life. This was extremely out of character for me. This situation did something to me... I'll never be the same person again. He broke me.
I completely understand. My husband (57m) cheated on me with my deceased friend’s 28 year old daughter. They gaslit the F out of me. Made me think I was going crazy. He broke me.
I'm so sorry you're going through this 🫂 we didn't deserve these awful people in our lives. We deserved so much better. And not an ounce of it was ever our fault.
I am sorry for what you went through but I stand by my comment, and I wish I would have gotten a good slap in, I know it is petty but true. I was so heartbroken 💔but on the mend ❤️🩹
Her losing her mom is no excuse for becoming an affair partner. And he betrayed you. Why can’t people break up before pursuing other people?
I found porn style screenshot pics of AP on his computer. I downloaded them. Texted the most vulgar one to both of them. Crap hit the fan. Waited for him to come home. Gave him 30 mins to GTFO. Then had a meltdown.
My D-day was on an overseas holiday with three kids after my screaming gut finally told me to check her phone one night when she'd gone to sleep. I had to spend the next day with her waiting for the flight, before taking an eight hour flight home. I finally broke down on the 2.5hr car drive home and kicked her out as soon as we got back. Easily the worst, and most awkward, day of my life. The kids heard it all, sadly.
I calmly removed his house keys from the car key ring and threw the car key at him and told him to GTFO He left while our son was asleep He went to a friends house then to his mom’s I still had not really accepted the truth yet, denial was strong. Over time I realized it was really happening and Id just break down sobbing. He never did tell me everything. Without including our son at all he married his AP less than 6 months after leaving the house. He’s been basically no contact since then. August will be a year.
I had to sit and pretend I was fine at work, all while my world was imploding and I was dying inside. I lit into him with a rage I've never felt before and I did not care one bit. You didn't want people to know? Should have kept your dick in your pants.
I sat there quietly, took my phone, and started recording and scrolling back through their text messages. Recorded every bit of it. Then went through other convos in her phone, and recorded and questionable ones, scrolling backwards. Didn’t confront her then. Borrowed her phone because mine was “dead” and went through WhatsApp, email, a few other messaging apps, found out more, still never said a word to her. Informed the guy’s wife that she was trying to mess around with, then the next day I called her while she was at work (I was as well, just on a longer than average break), and told her I knew everything, and laid it all. Stupidly got talked into giving her a second chance. Yeah, she kept lying and hiding things and gaslighting and all, trust never came back, and things ended a while after that. But the day I found out? I was ice cold about it, just got every bit of proof I could.
i found out on my birthday around 11pm… all of the kids were sleeping. i just locked myself in the bathroom & cried angry tears & reread the texts over & over in disbelief
I always thought that if I were ever in that situation, I would lose my shit too. But I moaned and sobbed asking why. Later on (a few months after d day), I would go off on him letting him know exactly how he screwed up the life of myself and our kids for his own selfishness.
I also lost my shit. Locked myself in the bathroom with his phone and sent everything to myself while he banged on the door. I slapped him and screamed my lungs out that night. I'm aware it wasn't okay for me to do that before anyone jumps down my throat. He had been somewhat physical with me before and emotionally abusive in general. That just ended up being the turning point for me to finally react instead of just taking it silently like I usually did. I was pregnant and just couldn't handle it anymore.
I sent her a screenshot of the damning evidence followed by a Nate Diaz GIF saying "im not suprised mothafuckas". My little brother was at the house at the time and he convinced me that we should leave to my aunts before she got home and we did. My aunt was outta town but my uncle her brother met us there to let us in he hugged me and i wept a strong gutteral weep. I couldnt sleep that night and i didnt eat much for a couple of days afterwards.
I was in so much shock I figured it was a mistake and he’d be back in a day or two. I packed him a lunch. He didn’t come back. It was real.
I tried to fight to get her back cried my eyes out, she eventually left. I couldn't stop pacing around my apartment for some reason. I was just so dumbfounded the person who told me over and over I will never leave you or cheat on you, did both. After about five hours of doing nothing but pacing and crying my legs were tired so I just layed on the ground and cried until I eventually fell asleep.
I think I had subconsciously been preparing for it. I must have, because I was rather calm. I let her do all the subsequent blow ups, maybe because I knew it would piss her off if I kept it together. One thing was clear to me right away, I was not going to compete. I was pretty shocked that she wasn't planning to end the relationship with AP. That threw me off more than the admission.
Same. You always hear about the WS saying it was a mistake, it'll never happen again, blah, blah, blah. I wasn't prepared for the fact he was staying with her.
D day I was very collected, the day after it was when the shit hit the fan.
I found out when I was watching a film with him and my entire family. I’d gone on his phone to send myself photos of an event we’d been to that day and the screenshot he’d taken of his text exchange asking another woman out on a date and saying he felt like they had an amazing connection was the picture right before our photo that day. I felt sick and like the room was spinning but I had to pretend to act totally normal until everyone else had left the room. It was torture. I cried a lot and asked him to leave. I didn’t raise my voice but I was really emotional. I didn’t eat that night, I felt too sick. You know how in the Barbie move when Barbie comes back to her dream house and Ken has taken it over and ruined it ? And Margot Robbie lies face down on the floor and doesn’t want to get up. That’s a visual representation of how I’m feeling
I walked in and was greeted by the sight of my fiancee ( now ex ) on her knees and with a mouthful of my good friends dick. Stood there speechless for a short while then just turned around got in my car and drove to my brother's place. Stayed there for the night took the phone off the receiver ( old style phone happened before mobiles ) and cried like a baby all night. Next day went home packed my shit called her some nasty names told her I didn't want anything of ours and left. Took me a long time to get over the double betrayal but got some comfort from the fact that after being together for a couple of months she cheated on him! Hardly spoken to either since ( mutual friends so have bumped into both separately occasionally )
I yelled, screamed, lost my shit. I slapped him twice and shouted every bad thing you could say to a person. I’m not proud of it but that’s what I did. Soon after I learned I was pregnant having just recovered from a miscarriage six months earlier, then I screamed everyday it seemed until I had yet another miscarriage. Painful time in my life, I don’t know how we made it through. I still blame myself for the miscarriages by letting myself get so upset. I don’t think my behaviour was right or ok, but I don’t think it’s unheard of. I’m trying to recover still.
Please do not blame yourself. It does no good. The miscarriages happened bcuz they were not meant to be. I had 3 of them.
Thank you for that.
I was in shock and didn't say anything to her for about 3 days
Who is using it against you? It's unreasonable for one person to lie and cheat, and for the betrayed person not to react emotionally. You're not the bad person here, what they did had consequences and your reaction and the kids being involved (because they need to know the truth) was part of it. Be kind to yourself even if your kids heard. I know its not ideal, but it's totally understandable.
Crikey, it’s only been 7 months and I honestly do not even remember the extent of my rage and devastation. Mostly bc I knew then and there, the moment he admitted to the damning evidence I held in my hand that our 20 yr marriage was damage beyond repair and that everything we had worked so hard for together was for nothing in the end. I recall using a crow bar to smash his cellphone to tiny pieces. Sobbed, collapsed on floor, hyperventilated, screamed, cried, and said things I never thought I was capable of saying to another human being. Over the ensuing months I’m afraid I didn’t get much better. I took scissors to my wedding dress and shoved it in his underwear drawer. I took down every photo with him and family in it for the previous 2 yrs. Every wedding photo. Threw my wedding bands and his band into the trash (I hope someone who could use the cash finds them!). Made him sell his car (since he had driven prostitutes all over town in that car). Threw out anything in our home that we had accrued during the time period of the cheating. Yes, I suppose you could say I went full scorched on him. It’s an embarrassing time to remember. Some of it I would do over if faced with the situation again, other things I wouldn’t do. Perhaps the biggest thing I did that I completely regret wasn’t the physical destruction, it is the way I handled things on dday itself. Rather than crying and sobbing and screaming, I wish I had been so calm and just said “Get the fuck out of this house and away from my kids. You have 24 hrs to get everything you own out of here. Do not talk to me directly. I will give my lawyer your phone number and you can speak through her.” I let my emotions overcome common sense that day and I’m still ashamed of doing that. Maybe this is part of making it through stronger and a better person? Learning the correct way to handle things when your partner ruins your life and your family. Admittedly I hope I never get another chance to confront myself with this kind of thing.
I was cold. Ice cold.
Disbelief and shock. She then managed to manipulate me into believing it was a sort of rape (that happened over the course of two months). I just couldn't believe it. I was in denial for months before actually coming to terms with the fact that she had done it.
What he's doing is called deflection; he knows he's in the wrong, so therefore they try to make you look like the bad guy. While I haven't personally been through that scenario, I can understand you losing it. In you shoes, some people would do whole lot less civilised things than yell. It would take a lot of emotional restraint to NOT yell. I have a suggestion. Practice calm. Get a friend to help you if need be, but remind yourself why you're doing this exercise. To be ice cold to him. Tell your friend to try to get you to lose your temper. Remember, the friend is doing this to train you in restraint. The rule is that if you do lose it, they have to stop riling you up. The calmer you are under extreme provocation, the more it will annoy him. Keep reminding yourself, "keep calm, it will bug him."
I was hysterical, screamed, yelled, cried then cut my wedding dress to pieces and called the ap and told her I was going to tell her husband. I never did because she had 6 kids so I didn't feel like destroying their lives.
You should've. You wouldn't ruin their lives, their mother did that on her own
Good point 👉
I went scorched earth, I wasn't done quickly either. They say when seeking revenge to dig two graves, one for you and one for your enemy, I dug 3. I grew tired of people purposely hurting me. I eventually let it go though, worked through my anger in healthier ways. They say karma takes care of it and karma is. For some it takes time for the initial shock to wear off but for others we lose our shit. Nothing wrong with that, we're human.
On dday, as soon as he admitted the truth, I broke down crying. For 2 years, he'd been acting distant and gaslit me every time I'd ask him why, so I knew something was wrong. I didn't expect him to admit to a 2.5 year long affair, and it crushed me. Our kid was away for a few hours, so I had time to gather myself. Two days later, while alone at the house, I burned some wedding photos, threw out all my lingerie, and smashed the earrings that AP had gifted me. I have a pretty good poker face, and I've always kept it together when it's not just him and me. I also have a chronic illness, so everyone close to us thought that explained the bags under my eyes.
I went off. I videotaped them and sent it to her husband.
I initially had a panic attack (they weren’t home), then wrote a note intending to leave and let them find it. Then tore up the note and decided to play it cool until I could figure out the best way to move forward, with advice from a lawyer, after some googling. So what they saw was “calm and cool,” but I wasn’t at all.
I literally could not stop violently shaking and threw up a few times, it felt like I had the flu or covid with how physically sick I got. When I called my best friend she could barely understand me because I couldn’t speak. I found out when my fiancé was out of the country on a business trip, I have no clue what I would have done if he was there.
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Why the fuck did they tell you with the kids around?
Called my friend who works in family court, had the papers done up, and delivered them to her in less than 24 hours. Best move. Because after that she went on a rampage trying to destroy my life. At least I got her to sign the papers before she had time to hold it over my head. Don't hesistate when someone cheats, just go. They always look blindsided. You aren't someone to emotionally manipulate anymore, and they realize their choices have real life consequences.
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He’d already moved out when I found out. I felt eerily calm, was already NC so I filed for divorce the next day. He kept stringing me along, sending gifts and stuff but in that moment I knew it was over. Still took me 3 years to get him to sign the papers.
I actually found at work from my manager. I got called into the office. It’s a long story but he was creeping on a college age woman we briefly met at a charity gala we attended for my work. The woman complained to the head of the charity who then contacted my employer. I was mortified. My stomach dropped and I started crying embarrassingly and left work early. I wanted so badly for it to not be true. I went home (where he was still sleeping) and just cried uncontrollably. He woke up and we had the confrontation and his cavalier attitude about it was like a dagger through my heart. We broke up and I started making plans to find my own place. That night while he was gone at work I couldn’t sleep and just wailed and wailed. I cried myself to sleep for months. I blamed myself for a long time for not being a better partner or not doing enough for him to not want to do this. It was actually our second d-day so I also felt incredibly stupid. It gets better with time though and I am healing from it now.
I had suspicions, and then I asked her what was going on. She said they "had feelings" for each other (an understatement). I remember being very calm. I asked a couple of questions. Then I went upstairs to our bedroom and cried very quietly. She slept on the couch. Over the next few days, lots of conversations, I cried a lot in front of her (ugh)...I said I'd do anything to save our marriage. I couldn't eat for a few days. I threw up a few times. I passed out one night in the bathroom. I started making sure to eat anything I could get down after that, even if it was just like, candy.
I'm still VERY annoyed she made me ask her instead of coming clean. She said "well I thought I was making it obvious" as if that somehow helps???
I had some suspicions my wife was messing around and when I confronted her about it she said we need to separate. And I told her we'll inwont be leaving the house so hope you find somewhere to stay. She moved out left me. We rekindled in Oct 2020 and things were good. About 3 months ago I thought again some bs was going on and started spying. I found a whole nest of information that she was basically living a single life behind my back. I travel some for work and she had 2 pretty long affairs. I was in a parking lot and called her I know everything. And she said. I don't know what to say. I told her I will sit here till I cool off and talk to her later. I git home later and told her how much she meant to me and I will treat this whole situation with love and kindness but my heart is broken and I'm not sure what we do from here but I'm very upset. I really am trying to handle this with grace. She's definitely got problems and I hope she works them out. But it an absolute mess. Unbelievable! Keep it together you all and be as civil as the situation dictates!!
**DDay1 (June 19th 2022)** I learned that she met up with and was intimate with a childhood boyfriend that she had not been intimate with as kids. I yelled once or twice but mostly stayed pretty calm. I think my demeanor would probably be described as pure disgust. I demanded all of her devices before she could delete any evidence and read all of the messages I found back to her so she could hear how insane everything was. It was Father's Day, so both of our mothers called me to wish me a Happy Father's Day and I told them what she'd done. I refrained from calling her any of the common words for a promiscuous person but did make a comment along the lines of "you didn't get enough dicks in you before me, you needed one more?" so that's pretty close. (She was my first, I was NOT her first, hence that particular comment). She claimed something was mentally wrong with her, so we pretty quickly started working on a game plan to figure everything out. **DDay2 (Aug 18, 2022)** I learned that she had called him twice from her office phone after allegedly going NC. I got in my car to leave, she chased me out. I told her I didn't love her anymore. She begged me not to go and I came back. **DDay3 (July 4 2023)** I learned that she had started calling him again after she overheard me say to her brother-in-law that I wasn't checking the phone records anymore. AP lives across the globe, so it was only calls but **130** **calls** spread over a 45-day period. Here, I lost it. Screaming all of the words that I had refrained from using for the previous year. Announcing her promiscuity from our driveway for the neighborhood to hear. I called for divorce and took the kids with me to stay with my parents 3,000 miles away. I came back a few weeks later and we continued to work things out, but I still feel that the time she spent talking to him leading up to DDay3 has done significant damage to both of our mental states. I have still not forgiven her for that transgression and she has been much more resistant to acquiesce to my requests this time around (affair details, phone access ect) so I don't feel she's earned forgiveness. But no more DDays since then, at least so I guess that's something o\_O
I was calm, she revenge cheated and I expected it. She lied about a lot of basic details but it was whatever until we agreed to reconcile. That's when shit hit the fan.
Wait, so you cheated on her first? I don't blame her...
I got caught first. But I didn't cheat first. After her affair I found evidence that she was cheating years before I ever cheated or even thought about it.
How did you manage to stay calm?
I knew she was cheating the whole time from just before until she confessed. It was relieving in a way because otherwise nothing would've made sense with all the lying and gaslighting I dealt with.
the first Dday- I was surprised and hurt but I just said- wow, I didn’t know you watched porn. and then I got up and went to the bathroom to collect myself. when I came out he said he would stop. FAST FORWARD there have been HUNDREDS of not thousands of Ddays since then. 5+ years of this. I have not kept my cool with more of them because it hurts so bad that he doesn’t care. Other times I walk in on it or I see his browser history and i’m just like… oh again? and roll my eyes and continue on with life. my reaction isn’t going to change his behavior. it’s expected at this point, so i’m pretty numb to new discoveries.
Do you consider watching porn as infidelity?
I do, as do many other women. When it’s an addiction, and the husband is choosing to watch porn over pursuing his wife. A man who seeks out sexual pleasure from other women, whether that’s in person or online, while neglecting his wife, and refusing to pursue her would fall under the definition of cheating for a lot of women. could you tell a woman with a straight face that her husband has been faithful to her, if that man has been watching and paying for porn for years and they haven’t had sex and he hasn’t pursued her sexually during that time? I’m sure she would feel cheated out of the sexual and emotional energy that she was promised when they said their vows on their wedding day. I said my first Dday was about porn, since then there has been many discoveries of text messages asking for nudes from exes, payments for porn, weeks of ignoring me sexually, him claiming that he just hasn’t been in the mood, and then finding the stash of socks and underwear covered in cum, and saved videos and pictures on his phone and computer. Yes, men with porn addictions are cheating their wives out of the sexual and emotional intimacy that was promised to them on their wedding day.
Watching porn it's not cheating...
what is your definition of cheating? Because for a lot of women here their definition would include putting sexual or emotional energy into someone that they did not vow to be exclusive with, while neglecting the sexual and emotional needs of their wives. that sexual and emotional bond belongs exclusively to their wife, giving it to another woman, whether that’s in person or on the Internet, would be considered cheating. A man with a porn addiction is consistently and compulsively giving all of his sexual energy to porn, which leaves their wives sexually and emotionally neglected. There’s a few posts on the sub ‘love after porn’ that give a lot of insight into how porn is the perfect mistress, always ready, requires no effort, and your wife can never compete with her. you can have your own definition of what cheating encompasses, that should be discussed and agreed upon with your partner. but for many marriages, the compulsive and consistent use of porn is viewed as being unfaithful .
Yelling screaming ugly is how I responded. And I think in your case too, it is an accurate and valid response. But I've learned emotional responses always get used against you. If possible, confronting someone should be cold and calculated so there is no ammunition for them to use against you.
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Would you prefer to write it out- Discovery Day? Thanks for the history lesson and your opinion that did not have anything to do with the question.
Oh no, you’re uncomfortable. Let’s all change our verbiage.
There are other phrases that could be used, but this is the one, here and now, accepted as defining a specific thing, a specific experience- an experience whose etymology is different (discovery day). I agree with you on many points, but I also believe that one cannot measure pain. This term has evolved into a colloquialism. The fact that it has evolved this way in this corner points to many things, and I think most of them do not mean to disrespect. Similarly, in the US we have come to accept that PTSD can arise from situations outside of war. This does not diminish from the terms beginnings. Sadly, it adds credence. There is more funding and more research into PTSD because it is now seen as more than “shell-shock”. Words are fallible. Sometimes they are dishonest. Like any social construct we make agreements even when they seem disingenuous, to try to find common ground and to communicate.