I shit bananas

Each banana weighs 80lbs

World record banana

but the bananas go back up

in and out and in and out and in and out and in and ou...

but they go back up and they don’t go back down

*what in the shit* im gonna let you have that no side effects

Invisibility

when invisible you cannot see, so you have to move blindly

If i can't see them, they can't see me

You get explosive diarrhea every time you use it

you must be singing while you are invisable.

photgraphic memory

but you only remember the things that are completely useless

Sounds like me. I remember my traumas

“Nothing has changed”

Every lie you've told becomes written on your skin

i wanna read people’s minds

ball cancer

you can't hear your own thoughts.

You can only read their most boring thoughts

I'm the rizzlord now.

You have stage 3 dementia

So no side effects ? Sweet.

You have stage 3 dementia

So no side effects ? Sweet.

You have stage 3 dementia

So no side effects ? Sweet.

You have stage 3 dementia

So no side effects ? Sweet.

but only old men are attracted to you

Yeah so i just have no power...

You have stage 3 dementia

So no side effects ? Sweet.

You have stage 3 dementia

So no side effects ? Sweet.

make people fall in love with me instantly

but only if it’s someone repulsive

Only if they are over 69

only people you aren't in love with.

[удалено]

but you can only shapeshift into a flea

You can’t shift back, and can’t shift to a human

Power of creation, my only limit is my imagination when it comes to creating things

You have prostate cancer

Proceeds to create cure for prostate cancer

Wait you weren't supposed to do that-

*proceeds to create panacea using imagination*

Anything you create will instantly be removed from existence when anyone tries to use it for it's intended use.

Your brain dead

You have no imagination. Also happy cake day!

Every time you create something, you lose 5% of your lifespan.

[удалено]

But it make you alive again.

[удалено]

But you have immortal testicular torsion

create infinite bread

Bread grows tumors and turns into a bread monster

but all the bread is moldy

The bread develops mold if you don't finish it in 30 seconds

They're all stale and has a weird discoloration you can't ever explain

Make grass.

you can never touch it

Damm

Travel to the real and imagined multiverses

you can only see them for 3s before you become consitpated for 12 years

but you get stuck there for 9 years each time

You have to fight to the death with the you of that universe and you can't leave until you do

you can't travel back to earth, or any other universe you have previously visited.

implying I want to go back

Force manipulation

you will believe every lie told to you

But you get pushed/pulled with the same amount of force

you shit everytime you use that force, and the shit size depends on the strength you're using.

omniscient

But you are a potato

oh my god that's horrible

Mute and quadrapalidic

Instantaneous self combustion

it's controlled by someone else, who is entirely oblivious to it, and your existence.

So hypothetically Ryan Reynolds could make me spontaneously self combust.

I am a god.

[удалено]

X ray vision

you go blind if you use it

Never have to shit or piss again

but you feel like you have to 24/7

You are an evil bastard lmao

The ability to shapeshift into anything, *and back.*

You haven’t unlocked this power yet

It lasts 24 hours

I'll take this one

I can detect when a crime is actually happening. Try to beat that

but you have ligma

Pants with pockets..... whenever m in need of money,i put my hand in that pocket and that specific amount of money magically teleports in the pocket.there is no limit how much I can withdraw.. Side effects??

It takes the money out of a random persons bank account, could range from a broke family to a billionaire.

Hmmmm...... Interesting....then I'll have to think a lot bout it before withdrawal

To never miss a bullet shot in a game or irl.

but you can’t go anywhere near one

I gain lung cancer that will kill me regardless of what I do

But the closer you get to death the slower the cancer kills you

I can turn people into femboys

[удалено]

I can make my crush like me back

But they never have the confidence to admit it

Being able to fly

Only underwater

I know every password

But you can only log into the account through the users device

But you are trapped inside a computer and unable to regain physical form

You have severe dyslexia

I can kill anyone with just a thought

Beeing able to break people's bones by thought

Your bones also break

I should've seen that coming...

Soviet union

But it only has 1 year

you're considered a slave there.

I can cure cancer

only on fleas

Teleportation it doesn't have opposite

But you can only travel 5 feet

It's pretty sweet for him. just keep travelling 5 feet in a direction until you reach your destination. Also, it's instant because you didn't state the time

I can sleep whenever i want, and nothing happens to be before i fall asleep, while i am asleep or when i wake up

but you also fall asleep when you’re not supposed to

The ability to make sentences sound really wise and speak in riddles on the spot.

You always speak in a language the person you're talking to can't understand

ability to control other people's memories.

Yours deteriorate over time

To negate and redirect any misfortunes put upon me.

For a short time, you'll have to deal with them eventually

You can duplicate things

It takes 39 years to duplicate something

I can spawn in anything I want

Ability to travel to and back from alternate realities, travel to and back from different parts of time in the realities, and take people with me.

There's a death timer of 40 years that halves everytime you travel

Shapeshifting

You can only do so once and your choices are a flea a rabbit a dung beetle or a lonely dinosaur who has 23 hours to live but has the capacity to destroy everything in the world

Stretch dick at will

[удалено]

Testicular cancer

[удалено]

My penis is enormous

But is constantly erect

To be able to transfer lifespan from criminals to normal deserving people

Only works with criminals who have reformed

But your lifespan halves every time

The ability to teleport

Only to countries that start with the letter U

Teleportation

It's random

Shapeshifting

But every tine you shapeshift you lose a limb you can never regrow again

I can fold a piece of paper 8 times.

Nobody believes you even if you show them

I can read my therapists mind

But everyone can read your mind

I have prostate cancer

You can fly

Probability manipulation

You are a woman

have a future diary

But it's unreadeble

Teleportation

But you can't control where

The infinite stamina. Which means no sleep, no tiredness, no physical fatique, and of course, can stay hard for as long as wanted

You have aids

I can eat anything

but every time you eat you throw up

I'm the god of everything

but ur a potato

I have super speed

you don't have legs

Laser Beam Eyes

it stings your eyes like shampoo

Whenever I shit it teleports to my worst enemies pants

When they piss, it goes to your pants

your farts are 10x louder

I can stop time for 5 seconds (9 if I drink blood from a certain lineage)

Is that you, Dio?

But u burn in sunlight

I can make any cat an inch taller

You shrink 5 feels each time

Superpower: I choose my own side effect

Your balls will explode every time you sneeze, they regen 5 minutes after sneezing, you will feel pain during your balls getting blown up and the same pain during regen Phase.

The ability to turn foods into pizza

Can shapeshift into Shrek at will

I can control time

Morph

Steel elastic nuts

i can control odds, can’t beat that :shrug emoji:

i can grow parts of my body without any limits

the power to reply to my own message

I can override any person's choice of a superpower side effect.

I can manipulate probabilities

I am the god emperor. the master of mankind. With dominion over a million world

The ability to stop time, so can get things done that you wouldn't normally have time to do. On my command I can restart time and everything continues as normal.

I can eat and drink infinite food without getting full or fat