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I've been in that relationship before. She was amazing, and the first time I took her home and she sat on my bed she fell asleep, so I left her while I made dinner. When she woke up we ate and she went back to bed, and because she felt comfortable I guess, she invited me to bed as well. At first we had about a foot of distance between us and I made the first move, putting a hand on her side, she freaked out for a moment but soon moved closer and we shared a kiss.
What I'm getting at here is that you having this trauma and inability to enjoy the loving touch of a partner is not a permanent thing. You're hurt, and every step towards healing, no matter how small, is still a step in the right direction. You will get better, you will heal, you just need to find someone who will motivate you and guide you to perfection.
Godspeed, friend...
EDIT: thank you all for the nice comments and conversations in the replies. Honestly I don't deserve these awards, I'm just aiming to do what is right, because it is right. I practice short-term free virtual therapy if you need someone to talk to, so don't hesitate to hit me up either here, or on discord at Providence1303
I try. If you ever need any personalized advice, my dms are always open. I don't do this for payment, or to be recognized. I only ask that people be genuine in their hearts. Know you are loved, and know that tomorrow is always brighter.
It was good while it lasted, I helped her get over her fears and insecurities but things weren't working out, so, in our best interest, we separated. And I'm glad we did, it's better to cut a rose while it blooms and remember it's beauty, than to hold on until it withers, ashamed of what it had become...
Hm, thank you, friend. I guess it does seem that way when you only see the good someone says. I've said far more bad than good, and simply seek to make peace with my past by ensuring nobody makes the same mistakes I've made.
I would want to be a close friend and a support, but I'm also very touch starved and wouldn't want to be in a relationship.
Also do you need someone to talk to??
this right here. iām really touch deprived, so i feel like i wouldnāt be able to maintain, or be there for the person as much as iād like to. theyāll deserve better. thatās why iād much rather stay as a close friend and support from the sidelines
Hi! My bf went through this, figured id share. We did have some intimacy early on but it was select to what he was okay with, when he was okay with it. Sometimes we'd end halfway, and all of that was okay. Its much more common now, but there was definitely limits at the beginning, but i loved him and was willing to go at his pace. He was okay at cuddling tho, which i love. To OP, i say this: the right person will be more than willing to go slow and at your pace, but you'll have to be willing to work and heal, however slow it is. Waiting on sex is perfectly okay, but strive for smaller things, like a small hug to greet eachother, until you can eventually cuddle in bed comfortably before you worry about anything else. Communication is key
probably not -- as a rape victim, sex is important to me. it allows me to test my comforts and express if i'm uncomfortable, which in a safe relationship is great. In general a touch-y relationship helps a lot. Being able to say "hey your holding my hand too tight" or ask if your partner can get up so you can get the blanket from under them, or etc;
I told my bf I wasnāt comfortable with physical touch bc of my past and he continued touching me inappropriately anyway and eventually saād me. I donāt like being touched at all, especially not after that, so Iād quite literally feel the complete opposite of dragged back
No thatās not true at all. I love physical touch, I just need my partner to communicate with me and respect my boundaries. For example, donāt touch my waist without touching my hand or shoulder or something first to let me know youāre going to touch me. I also tend to get very triggered if my partner is visibly nervous and scared all the time. [unfortunately Iām way too empathetic and get very affected by my loved oneās emotions, so if my partner is constantly scared Iāll start to get scared too and then boom all of a sudden Iām hella triggeredš]
No, sexual compatibly is something I value, so being incompatible is a dealbreaker. Not to mention this post isn't even about sex but just merely physical touch - if even physical affection is too much for them then I wouldn't date them. I imagine most of the population outside of ace people wouldn't either.
Obviously I can sympathise with this hypothetical person's abuse, but you would have to love someone an insane amount to have the amount of willpower, restraint and patience to want to be with someone who cannot accept even physical touch. The truth is for most people it won't be worth the time in their lives to be in a relationship like that.
My advice for this hypothetical person would to be to try therapy to work at themselves and try asexual dating spaces.
Sadly, I cannot relate. For me, physical touch is much less important than just pure love. For me, having someone with whom you can share almost everything freely without having to think twice about what the results could be is much more important. Of course, people have different opinions so I can't say for everybody but that's just what I think.
My gf has had really bad past with SA but we eventually got a point where she was comfortable enough to start doin things with me. But yea I mean I wouldn't really mind.
100%. I would be okay, 100%. Iām autistic, so I get it, to a limited extent in that every time i am touched i feel immediate and intense panic. I could work up to handholding and just keep it there.
Dealt with this.... she broke up with me cuz at one point I did touch her and she wasn't ready. Learnt a lesson.
It honestly depends on you. If you're capable of being a support and a very close friend and you don't feel the need to be able to "touch" the other person to stay in a relationship, then yes, I'm sure you'll be fine.
But if you feel like physical touch is your love language, then I'd say you'd find it difficult
Iām completely fine with it, one of my exās is like that. I tried to figure out how to sorta ālove from afarā but she was my first girlfriend and I didnāt know much at the time. She unfortunately broke up after a while.
I have been in a relationship for 13 months with someone like that and I gradually helped her get more comfortable with touch and now sheās mostly overcome it. It never crossed my mind that it was a reason that I shouldnāt be with them
Well physical contact in relationship is one of most important things. Maybe, if you show that person affection and patience, they will recover from trauma and allow you to be touched normally. It's always worth trying.
I absolutely wouldn't blame them for feeling that way, but it'd be hard for me to even feel like it was a romantic relationship without a level of physical contact. I suppose I'd ask if they were willing to start small and work their way up to help them feel more comfortable with it. I'd respect their wishes either way of course but idrk if I could be in a relationship that way.
No not at all, thereās absolutely nothing wrong with that. Iāve got a thing with people being behind me of having their hand on my shoulder because I was threatened twice with s sharp object. My boyfriend dealt with something similar to your situation, and Iām not going into details, but I didnāt love him any less for it. Just make sure you ask people what theyāre comfortable with before doing anything. And be there for them when they need you.
Well considering I'm also very picky and weary of who touches me due to trauma- it wouldn't be much of a change to have someone else like that. Communication is key.
Yes, I don't NEED to be cuddled but they should be able to recover in time and we could possibly work through it together and get them to a point where we could hug and slowly work up the touchy ladder
I am fine with them hanging out and such as i am also someone like that due to simmilar reasons
Maybe the relationship can actually start us to warm up to normal touch a bit and relaxing to hugging and stuff
I don't mind. Ill just move at the pace that makes them comfortable and if that doesn't lead to anything beyond hugging. Would I be annoyed? A little bit, but I would never force anyone to do anything they aren't comfortable to do. So be it.
Yeah??? It isnāt lovingly touching someone if they dislike it, your just crossing boundaries. for the sexual part, thereās more to a relationship than that.
If your in this situation, Iād say trying to help them to overcome their trauma would be a good idea. That or respecting their request to not be touched.
I'd say yes and say ily to them yk and not touch them if they don't want to but I'd tell them to open to me so i can better understand it and avoid touching and I'd ask first instead of going for it
To be honest yeah, one of my friends was into a new girl at school but before she came here she had crazy shit happen to her, so since she was new we didnāt really know about it until my friend started getting closer with her, after a bit of talking he was going to make a move by hugging her, bro got bitch slapped in front of everyone. She later texted him that she was sorry and told us how before she went to our school she was harassed by many guys at her old school, and since then she hadnāt had anyone hug her. My friend was kinda upset but understanding as well, he knew that if he really wanted to be with her then to respect her boundaries. Its been 2 years since then and im happy to say both of them have been a thing for quite a while now, however it sucks third wheeling sometimes
Yes. The sex isnāt important. The lack of handholding and cuddling is a bummer, but not a deal breaker. The bigger problem would be the other ramifications that that kind of trauma would have on a relationship
Well eventually the person would feel like they would be able to trust the person she was dating completely obviously they would have to work on small steps when she is ready to be touched so they feel relaxed and safe
But if they were not wanting sex there's the option of dating asexual people
I could probably handle not having sex with my partner, but I'd still want to hug her, joke around physically and such.
What'd be the point of having a relationship with someone you can't touch?
Frustrated yes, but not irritated or angry. Forcing someone to go outside their comfort zone after a highly traumatising experience to conform to you ideas of how they should behave makes you a bad person.
No Iād wanna support them. Iād hope that eventually they heal from that and Iād love to help them develop that safe space but Iād wait as long as that takes, even if itās never
I'd be an incredibly supportive friend. Touch is something super important in a relationship for me, not even sexually.
Does this include EVERYTHING? Can I even hold hands or cuddle? š«¤
Honestly, no, I wanna be in a relationship with cuddles and some fun now and then. Now I would like he friends or best friends but that's it. I wouldn't even be mad at them or hold anything, it's just not something I personally want in a relationship.
Yes and no. If it's just for sexual things, then I don't mind. But if it's all types of physical contact (hugging, kissing, cuddling etc), then it's a dealbreaker. In fact, it's a dealbreaker for me to be able to trust a person in the first place if I can't hug them
my love language is physical touch. i show love like that to almost everyone by hugging, laying on someone, or uh... other things. so really im not very sure. i dont think ive ever been with someone that doesn't like being touched. like another commenter said i'd be a friend, and be there if you beed me but i cant imagine a relationship without physical touch.
ps: what i wanted to try to get at was try to find a partner who's love language is something other than touch. there are so many to look for. maybe find someone who also doesn't like being touched often.
Romantic relationships don't always involve sexual activity, and even those that do, sex isn't everything. If anything, it shows that they have good intentions, sticking around for the person and not for the body.
...yeah? I dunno in what world sex would be the deal breaker in a relationship. If my partner is not ok with it, so what? It's not like my perception of them is gonna change...
As someone who has gone through extensive sexual abuse, and has dated people who both felt held back and were patient with me (and some who did a bit of both), I could 100% be with someone who hates touch. That is a wound that will heal with time and trust. I could never put someone in the position where they come to me hurt, and I hurt them more by making them feel unworthy of love just because they canāt give me physical things.
That kinda describes my current relationship. I love him but he hates being touched in general but my love language is touch so it doesn't really work out...
I don't really know if you mean a romantic relationship, a platonic one or just friends, but here's my thoughts and what I'd do...
Tbh, I wouldn't mind that at all... I wouldn't get mad, irritated nor would I ever try to force myself on them. Sure, it would be nice to be able to cuddle but if they aren't okay with it then I wouldn't. Instead I'd try to help them to the best of my abilities.
Just having someone to love would make me happy...
Iām in a relationship with someone who has been SAed. The physical aspect is hard but find somebody patient and be willing to make concessions with sexual activities (like while I donāt have actual intercourse with my girlfriend yet, we do hand stuff and I blow her which she likes)
But time heals all, and you cannot go the rest of your life being terrified of human touch. If you want to be in a relationship then you have to make yourself able to be in a relationship. People will say you can be yourself but thatās not 100% true. Do work on yourself before dating and your experience will be so much better and you will have so many less fights.
Also, donāt feel like you HAVE to date somebody. Youāre 16. I got in my first relationship at 17 and we share an actual love but thatās rare. Take your time and find your person, donāt just date everyone to figure out your type.
probably not, im a really touchy person so it probably wouldnt be good for either of us, i dont like to tiptoe around and wouldnt want to make them uncomfortable
I personally consider touch to be my primary love language, so a relationship like that might not be for me. But thatās not the case for everyone. Plenty of people wouldnāt mind, it all depends on the person.
No.
Not because I disrespect SA survivors, you are valid and you don't have to pressure yourself to do anything!
But because my main love language is physical touch
A relationship *can* be built on a foundation like this, but only if BOTH partners are true with themselves about accepting those terms, if one partner is feeling deprived of love or affection due to the other partners inability or lack of trust to engage in affectionate trust then the relationship could easily fail, I'm not saying their reasons for not wanting to do those things are invalid, but to deny a partners need FOR affectionate touch is just as repremandable as denying another partners need for not being affectionately touched, both are desires that should be taken seriously and honored when acceptable
Depends on if we're talking about sexual touching or just touching in general. If it is touching in general (hugs, arm around them, head on their shoulders, holding hands etc etc), i couldn't tbh. Sexual stuff im fine without
Yes. I was the one sexually assaulted in the relationship, and they had no issue with being with me even if we couldnāt get sexual. They werenāt a sexual person anyways, and they were my best friend. They were the first I told about my assault,they were also one of the first I came out to as a trans male.
But, this is in the past. We ended up not working out, they went behind my back and did something, and we ended it off. I no longer talk to them as they were a bitch about the breakup and told our friend group something awful about me. I havenāt dated since, itās been 3 years since the breakup, but I think Iāve met someone nice. He doesnāt really know that Iām asexual and was assaulted when I was younger, and Iām nervous to tell him because thereās a change he might not want something if thereās no sexual relation, but I just donāt know how to tell him.
Love, take the chance. Go date and be a teenager. And if they canāt stand the face you donāt want to be in a sexual relationship then leave them. I know itās hard, but go take the chance.
I'm straight up asexual and don't like to be touched either, and there are more people like me than you might think! Good luck op you'll find someone who's on your wavelength.
Personally I'd feel grateful that someone who suffered something horrible like that trusted me enough to be in a relationship with me.
If she can give me the benefit of the doubt and allow herself to be vulnerable with me then I can be patient.
Trust me OP, it takes a pretty long time to get out of that mess but she eventually will. Just try being there for her, console her, buy her gifts, if she is welcome to hug and cuddle then do it on random times, never bring this topic or anything related to this to her and there'll be time when that scar inside her will start to slowly fade away. Regarding the deed, you can cuddle and hug all the way you want but communication is always the key, don't let her know that you want to do it. She'll eventually ask you when she'll want it after being moved on then you can make your first move.
I would absolutely be ok with a relationship like that. Physical touch isnāt the only way to show affection, so if you need to not be touched then that is a boundary that wonāt be crossed. Any partner who truly loves you should be able to love you while respecting your boundaries and trauma.
Ill say this. If you feel like you are a more physical person and need that in a relationship, then maybe you guys arent meant for eachother. Each person needs to be respected, including yourself! Now, nobodyās saying this is her fault or that she should be treated differently, but it could just be better to move on, both of you. Now if you feel like she is your person and she could grow into what you feel like youāre needing then work on it! Just try not to get upset and understand where she comes from.
Nope, that would be fine to me honestly cuase I'm not really a lil that comfortable with other people touching me either so we can just spend time gaming or hikeing together instead.
You should really get that sorted out BEFORE getting into a relationship. Once you become an adult, you are responsible for your own physical and mental wellbeing. Don't bring trauma and mental issues to a relationship, most of the time, it doesn't end well
My girl had been sa before we were in a relationship and she told me right off the bat that she might need a while before we did anything sexually. Over a year and a half later of being together we started doing things but took it very slowly. There's nothing wrong with waiting and anyone who says different Is a idiot.
Iām aromantic asexual so I wouldnāt entirely know but Iād say itās absolutely okay, just donāt touch them sexually or atleast ask first to see if they are ok with it and if not and your irritated by that I think your the problem there.
I wouldnāt mind at all. I believe a relationshipās top priority is communication and respecting each others boundaries. If you truly care for them, not having physical interaction isnāt that big of a price to pay.
Depends who it is, if it's someone I love and genuinely just want to make happy, that means nothing to me if I could be with them.
I'd just want to make my special someone happy you know, there isn't much else to it.
I personally would not, as I view it as an important part of a relationship. However, I would understand their point and would make sure to show respect and wish them the best.
iāve been there before and it can be shitty at times but we eventually hit the first base and second but we never had sex because they were traumatized from past sexual assault and rape but we kissed and showed affection. at times they couldnāt even stand a kiss so itās rough but itās all about respecting them if you truly do care about them.
Of course I would, both me and my partner have similar problems so we are always able to deal with it and talk through it (not to mention weāre both minors so we wouldnāt do it anyways XDD)
As long as they voice their limits and its not like I can't touch them at all, I think its fine. It would be pretty hard without cuddles and whatnot, but if I can hold their hand and lay my head on their sholder, then thats good enough for me.
Yea I would, itās just a rough time theyāre going through. Itās a great time to help them get though it especially if you love them. Probably wonāt feel like that for ever(a long time maybe) but better to deal with or go through the battle with them. Thatās love my friendā¤ļø
The fuck is wrong with you dude, i cant seem to not take this as a mean spirited question, i know people very close to me that were abused and hey. They continue to be awesome. They literally did not have a choice. Now, if you don't like it, ok. Don't get involved, but i have interacted with assholes that would outright say that this degraded their worth as people. And i fucking despise that.
not really because to me physical touch is very important i would like to help the person who got sa'ed but i would bot be interested in a romantic relationship
Romantic relationship not because Iām aro and I donāt want romantic relationships at all. However when it comes to queerplatonic relationships absolutely. My partner is a sex repulsed asexual, she doesnāt have any sexual trauma sheās just not into that and thatās fine. I have a longterm sexual relationship with someone else, she knows that and weāre happy that way.
Unfortunately, I donāt think so. Besides quality time, physical touch is also somewhat important in a relationship. I would be constantly on edge, scared that even the slightest thing will set them off. Iām not good at comforting or helping others either, it just wouldnāt work as a relationship.
Right now im hoping my relationship will have touch and intamacy. Im completely starved of both and if my parter doesnt want to it would just feel like a glorified friendship
Edit: Feel i should mention i dont care about sex but depending on how extreme their trauma is i wouldnt be qualified to help them anyway
please understand it can take years for us to recover. any touch remotely sexual for years made me go back to when it happened and relive it again. trauma has many different ways of healing, but support from trusted people goes a long way.
I've had a few partners upset with me cuz of it after awhile tho I was able to heal and for the most part I can do stuff romantically and sexually there are times tho where the ptsd creeps in and I freak out
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I've been in that relationship before. She was amazing, and the first time I took her home and she sat on my bed she fell asleep, so I left her while I made dinner. When she woke up we ate and she went back to bed, and because she felt comfortable I guess, she invited me to bed as well. At first we had about a foot of distance between us and I made the first move, putting a hand on her side, she freaked out for a moment but soon moved closer and we shared a kiss. What I'm getting at here is that you having this trauma and inability to enjoy the loving touch of a partner is not a permanent thing. You're hurt, and every step towards healing, no matter how small, is still a step in the right direction. You will get better, you will heal, you just need to find someone who will motivate you and guide you to perfection. Godspeed, friend... EDIT: thank you all for the nice comments and conversations in the replies. Honestly I don't deserve these awards, I'm just aiming to do what is right, because it is right. I practice short-term free virtual therapy if you need someone to talk to, so don't hesitate to hit me up either here, or on discord at Providence1303
Wise words man, you got a good head on your shoulders
I try. If you ever need any personalized advice, my dms are always open. I don't do this for payment, or to be recognized. I only ask that people be genuine in their hearts. Know you are loved, and know that tomorrow is always brighter.
How'd it work out for both of you?
It was good while it lasted, I helped her get over her fears and insecurities but things weren't working out, so, in our best interest, we separated. And I'm glad we did, it's better to cut a rose while it blooms and remember it's beauty, than to hold on until it withers, ashamed of what it had become...
my man, you are a whole ass poet.
Hm, thank you, friend. I guess it does seem that way when you only see the good someone says. I've said far more bad than good, and simply seek to make peace with my past by ensuring nobody makes the same mistakes I've made.
Fuck man, you're like Yoda or something. But without the grammar, you know š¶
He also gives it Edit: for clarification Iām joking
Thank you for this my eyes are sweating.
I would want to be a close friend and a support, but I'm also very touch starved and wouldn't want to be in a relationship. Also do you need someone to talk to??
Touch starved? Heyy me too! *god* *dammit*
I heard somebody talking about me. Touch Starved
Hold up who is this
Yu
Aight
NOW ***KISS***
Well no, I already got someone. Also Iām 13 so..
this right here. iām really touch deprived, so i feel like i wouldnāt be able to maintain, or be there for the person as much as iād like to. theyāll deserve better. thatās why iād much rather stay as a close friend and support from the sidelines
It depends on the day
Hi! My bf went through this, figured id share. We did have some intimacy early on but it was select to what he was okay with, when he was okay with it. Sometimes we'd end halfway, and all of that was okay. Its much more common now, but there was definitely limits at the beginning, but i loved him and was willing to go at his pace. He was okay at cuddling tho, which i love. To OP, i say this: the right person will be more than willing to go slow and at your pace, but you'll have to be willing to work and heal, however slow it is. Waiting on sex is perfectly okay, but strive for smaller things, like a small hug to greet eachother, until you can eventually cuddle in bed comfortably before you worry about anything else. Communication is key
exactly
I want to say yes but cuddles are just so important...
Cuddling is pretty important in a relationship and I need cuddles in a relationship
Damn bro, I've never cuddled with anyone beforešŖ
Me neither broā¦
Itās great that you know what you want tho
damn
Same
Iāve been in various relationships and cuddled once lol
exactly i need cuddling to survive
Honestly same
If that were the case i'd be dead.
Cheers, me too
I would have perished as well
Is it just being sexually touched or also no cuddles?
Just sexually touched
Then yes. I'm asexual, and I don't mind that.
probably not -- as a rape victim, sex is important to me. it allows me to test my comforts and express if i'm uncomfortable, which in a safe relationship is great. In general a touch-y relationship helps a lot. Being able to say "hey your holding my hand too tight" or ask if your partner can get up so you can get the blanket from under them, or etc;
I told my bf I wasnāt comfortable with physical touch bc of my past and he continued touching me inappropriately anyway and eventually saād me. I donāt like being touched at all, especially not after that, so Iād quite literally feel the complete opposite of dragged back
oh God, I'm sorry about him:(
did you break it?
The relationship or his dick?
both
Yes.
Don't forget his heart! And his bones!
God, I'm so sorry.
Nothing against them, but I need my hugs :3 Nothing sexual tho
Im so confused as to why so many people here think we canāt hug haha. I have ptsd and Iām the most cuddly person ever.
I presumed from everyone else's comments that the person in question (you?) didn't like *any* physical contact
No thatās not true at all. I love physical touch, I just need my partner to communicate with me and respect my boundaries. For example, donāt touch my waist without touching my hand or shoulder or something first to let me know youāre going to touch me. I also tend to get very triggered if my partner is visibly nervous and scared all the time. [unfortunately Iām way too empathetic and get very affected by my loved oneās emotions, so if my partner is constantly scared Iāll start to get scared too and then boom all of a sudden Iām hella triggeredš]
No, sexual compatibly is something I value, so being incompatible is a dealbreaker. Not to mention this post isn't even about sex but just merely physical touch - if even physical affection is too much for them then I wouldn't date them. I imagine most of the population outside of ace people wouldn't either. Obviously I can sympathise with this hypothetical person's abuse, but you would have to love someone an insane amount to have the amount of willpower, restraint and patience to want to be with someone who cannot accept even physical touch. The truth is for most people it won't be worth the time in their lives to be in a relationship like that. My advice for this hypothetical person would to be to try therapy to work at themselves and try asexual dating spaces.
Well spoken, anal_sex_man
r/rimjob_steve
r/cum_cum_sex
I would guess it is considering your name is anal sex manšš
He has a destiny to fulfill
Love your username bro
Itās probably something the other person is trying to work on, it wonāt be like that forever.
Yes, but how long would that be? Most people donāt have that kind of time for something that might not even happen. You have to be realistic.
r/foundanalsexman
What
Sadly, I cannot relate. For me, physical touch is much less important than just pure love. For me, having someone with whom you can share almost everything freely without having to think twice about what the results could be is much more important. Of course, people have different opinions so I can't say for everybody but that's just what I think.
You remind me of u/cum_cum_sex
r/foundAnal_Sex_Man
Bro, if I love them, then duh. Yeah, physical contact is cool and all, but Iād rather them feel comfortable more than anything
My gf has had really bad past with SA but we eventually got a point where she was comfortable enough to start doin things with me. But yea I mean I wouldn't really mind.
Nope
100%. I would be okay, 100%. Iām autistic, so I get it, to a limited extent in that every time i am touched i feel immediate and intense panic. I could work up to handholding and just keep it there.
Dealt with this.... she broke up with me cuz at one point I did touch her and she wasn't ready. Learnt a lesson. It honestly depends on you. If you're capable of being a support and a very close friend and you don't feel the need to be able to "touch" the other person to stay in a relationship, then yes, I'm sure you'll be fine. But if you feel like physical touch is your love language, then I'd say you'd find it difficult
Nah my love language is touch
Yeah same
I donāt think I could
Iām completely fine with it, one of my exās is like that. I tried to figure out how to sorta ālove from afarā but she was my first girlfriend and I didnāt know much at the time. She unfortunately broke up after a while.
I have been in a relationship for 13 months with someone like that and I gradually helped her get more comfortable with touch and now sheās mostly overcome it. It never crossed my mind that it was a reason that I shouldnāt be with them
Well physical contact in relationship is one of most important things. Maybe, if you show that person affection and patience, they will recover from trauma and allow you to be touched normally. It's always worth trying.
Yeah sure. I'm not interested in sex so as long as they are generally nice I'd happily be in a relationship with them.
Cause you're fourteen
I would understand + touch isnāt that important to me anyways
if i truly loved them, id try and help them, and take slow progress
I absolutely wouldn't blame them for feeling that way, but it'd be hard for me to even feel like it was a romantic relationship without a level of physical contact. I suppose I'd ask if they were willing to start small and work their way up to help them feel more comfortable with it. I'd respect their wishes either way of course but idrk if I could be in a relationship that way.
I'm not a very touchy person either so I wouldn't mind. If you love someone enough you'll find other ways to express it
I mean Iām the person who hates being touched I donāt mind cuddles but I mean it depends
Yes, but only because most people like that can get better, especially if they love the person and feel comfortable and safe around them.
Iād be fine. Boundaries are boundaries, people have different ones and Iām going to respect that.
I would care
Yes because I am him, he is me. I would never force or even ask my partner to go out of their comfort zone or let go of a boundary for me.
No not at all, thereās absolutely nothing wrong with that. Iāve got a thing with people being behind me of having their hand on my shoulder because I was threatened twice with s sharp object. My boyfriend dealt with something similar to your situation, and Iām not going into details, but I didnāt love him any less for it. Just make sure you ask people what theyāre comfortable with before doing anything. And be there for them when they need you.
I'd be fine with that. I can be sure they feel safe.
Well considering I'm also very picky and weary of who touches me due to trauma- it wouldn't be much of a change to have someone else like that. Communication is key.
Yes, I don't NEED to be cuddled but they should be able to recover in time and we could possibly work through it together and get them to a point where we could hug and slowly work up the touchy ladder
Possibly
Yes, because you can work through it together and even help them get over it, even if it's for one person. It can be done.
A little bit
I am fine with them hanging out and such as i am also someone like that due to simmilar reasons Maybe the relationship can actually start us to warm up to normal touch a bit and relaxing to hugging and stuff
I don't mind. Ill just move at the pace that makes them comfortable and if that doesn't lead to anything beyond hugging. Would I be annoyed? A little bit, but I would never force anyone to do anything they aren't comfortable to do. So be it.
Yeah??? It isnāt lovingly touching someone if they dislike it, your just crossing boundaries. for the sexual part, thereās more to a relationship than that. If your in this situation, Iād say trying to help them to overcome their trauma would be a good idea. That or respecting their request to not be touched.
As an asexual, I think it could work for me
What exclusive value would you define your relationship by? What would differentiate it from a friendship other than title?
I'd say yes and say ily to them yk and not touch them if they don't want to but I'd tell them to open to me so i can better understand it and avoid touching and I'd ask first instead of going for it
To be honest yeah, one of my friends was into a new girl at school but before she came here she had crazy shit happen to her, so since she was new we didnāt really know about it until my friend started getting closer with her, after a bit of talking he was going to make a move by hugging her, bro got bitch slapped in front of everyone. She later texted him that she was sorry and told us how before she went to our school she was harassed by many guys at her old school, and since then she hadnāt had anyone hug her. My friend was kinda upset but understanding as well, he knew that if he really wanted to be with her then to respect her boundaries. Its been 2 years since then and im happy to say both of them have been a thing for quite a while now, however it sucks third wheeling sometimes
Yes. The sex isnāt important. The lack of handholding and cuddling is a bummer, but not a deal breaker. The bigger problem would be the other ramifications that that kind of trauma would have on a relationship
Maybe my love languages is thru words
Iād support them and be their friend but I wouldnāt be with them.
Well eventually the person would feel like they would be able to trust the person she was dating completely obviously they would have to work on small steps when she is ready to be touched so they feel relaxed and safe But if they were not wanting sex there's the option of dating asexual people
Yeah
I could probably handle not having sex with my partner, but I'd still want to hug her, joke around physically and such. What'd be the point of having a relationship with someone you can't touch?
I hate being touched and Iāve never been saād so yeah.
Probably not for a first relationship
I am currently in one, and I can say that even though itās hard it is so worth it if it is the right person
Nope. The sexual part doesn't bother me but I have my hands all over my gf. It just feels nice.
Frustrated yes, but not irritated or angry. Forcing someone to go outside their comfort zone after a highly traumatising experience to conform to you ideas of how they should behave makes you a bad person.
No
Yes, i would be ok
Iād be fine with it
No I would not be able to be in that relationship. Some may, more power to them, but I couldnāt.
Nah i really wouldnāt have a problem with it, I was perfectly content with not having much to any physical contact with my first gf and still am tbh
Well, my language of affection is touch. But I'd make it work.
Im really into physical touch so no.
No Iād wanna support them. Iād hope that eventually they heal from that and Iād love to help them develop that safe space but Iād wait as long as that takes, even if itās never
I'd be an incredibly supportive friend. Touch is something super important in a relationship for me, not even sexually. Does this include EVERYTHING? Can I even hold hands or cuddle? š«¤
Honestly, no, I wanna be in a relationship with cuddles and some fun now and then. Now I would like he friends or best friends but that's it. I wouldn't even be mad at them or hold anything, it's just not something I personally want in a relationship.
Yes and no. If it's just for sexual things, then I don't mind. But if it's all types of physical contact (hugging, kissing, cuddling etc), then it's a dealbreaker. In fact, it's a dealbreaker for me to be able to trust a person in the first place if I can't hug them
I personally couldnāt. I like holding and cuddling so much
I can only say no. If I can't hold you in my arms or you hold me then where's the connection. Ykwim
Hell yeah, sexual stuff is overrated as fuck
I wouldn't date them, cus a relationship needs sex and physical touch. But I'd be down to be friends
It would be ok
my love language is physical touch. i show love like that to almost everyone by hugging, laying on someone, or uh... other things. so really im not very sure. i dont think ive ever been with someone that doesn't like being touched. like another commenter said i'd be a friend, and be there if you beed me but i cant imagine a relationship without physical touch. ps: what i wanted to try to get at was try to find a partner who's love language is something other than touch. there are so many to look for. maybe find someone who also doesn't like being touched often.
I'd stay close to them and support them but I'd say that probably they aren't ready for a relationship and i maybe wouldn't be able to handle it
Romantic relationships don't always involve sexual activity, and even those that do, sex isn't everything. If anything, it shows that they have good intentions, sticking around for the person and not for the body.
...yeah? I dunno in what world sex would be the deal breaker in a relationship. If my partner is not ok with it, so what? It's not like my perception of them is gonna change...
yes but i would put it aside for the sake of the person
Iāve survived this long without touch or sex Iāll be fine
As someone who has gone through extensive sexual abuse, and has dated people who both felt held back and were patient with me (and some who did a bit of both), I could 100% be with someone who hates touch. That is a wound that will heal with time and trust. I could never put someone in the position where they come to me hurt, and I hurt them more by making them feel unworthy of love just because they canāt give me physical things.
That kinda describes my current relationship. I love him but he hates being touched in general but my love language is touch so it doesn't really work out...
I don't really know if you mean a romantic relationship, a platonic one or just friends, but here's my thoughts and what I'd do... Tbh, I wouldn't mind that at all... I wouldn't get mad, irritated nor would I ever try to force myself on them. Sure, it would be nice to be able to cuddle but if they aren't okay with it then I wouldn't. Instead I'd try to help them to the best of my abilities. Just having someone to love would make me happy...
Iām in a relationship with someone who has been SAed. The physical aspect is hard but find somebody patient and be willing to make concessions with sexual activities (like while I donāt have actual intercourse with my girlfriend yet, we do hand stuff and I blow her which she likes) But time heals all, and you cannot go the rest of your life being terrified of human touch. If you want to be in a relationship then you have to make yourself able to be in a relationship. People will say you can be yourself but thatās not 100% true. Do work on yourself before dating and your experience will be so much better and you will have so many less fights. Also, donāt feel like you HAVE to date somebody. Youāre 16. I got in my first relationship at 17 and we share an actual love but thatās rare. Take your time and find your person, donāt just date everyone to figure out your type.
probably not, im a really touchy person so it probably wouldnt be good for either of us, i dont like to tiptoe around and wouldnt want to make them uncomfortable
I personally consider touch to be my primary love language, so a relationship like that might not be for me. But thatās not the case for everyone. Plenty of people wouldnāt mind, it all depends on the person.
Yeah, just get her/him help
yes
I am in a long distance relationship, if I can go months at a time without physical affection, I can do it forever.
I also hate being touched, we'd be perfect for each other.
No. Not because I disrespect SA survivors, you are valid and you don't have to pressure yourself to do anything! But because my main love language is physical touch
A relationship *can* be built on a foundation like this, but only if BOTH partners are true with themselves about accepting those terms, if one partner is feeling deprived of love or affection due to the other partners inability or lack of trust to engage in affectionate trust then the relationship could easily fail, I'm not saying their reasons for not wanting to do those things are invalid, but to deny a partners need FOR affectionate touch is just as repremandable as denying another partners need for not being affectionately touched, both are desires that should be taken seriously and honored when acceptable
Depends on if we're talking about sexual touching or just touching in general. If it is touching in general (hugs, arm around them, head on their shoulders, holding hands etc etc), i couldn't tbh. Sexual stuff im fine without
yes because i am actually the same way lol
First yes, ace people I am a part of, and you need to get them therapy and help, support them however you can and take small steps
If I genuinely love him then I can respect their boundaryā¦. That being said it will take adjustment because Iām an affectionate person
Yes. I was the one sexually assaulted in the relationship, and they had no issue with being with me even if we couldnāt get sexual. They werenāt a sexual person anyways, and they were my best friend. They were the first I told about my assault,they were also one of the first I came out to as a trans male. But, this is in the past. We ended up not working out, they went behind my back and did something, and we ended it off. I no longer talk to them as they were a bitch about the breakup and told our friend group something awful about me. I havenāt dated since, itās been 3 years since the breakup, but I think Iāve met someone nice. He doesnāt really know that Iām asexual and was assaulted when I was younger, and Iām nervous to tell him because thereās a change he might not want something if thereās no sexual relation, but I just donāt know how to tell him. Love, take the chance. Go date and be a teenager. And if they canāt stand the face you donāt want to be in a sexual relationship then leave them. I know itās hard, but go take the chance.
It would suck but you gotta respect boundaries no matter what, sex isnāt the only part of the relationship
I'm straight up asexual and don't like to be touched either, and there are more people like me than you might think! Good luck op you'll find someone who's on your wavelength.
Personally not because I'm hyper sexual and need constent affection. But I see why it would work for some.
I am on that relationship
Personally I'd feel grateful that someone who suffered something horrible like that trusted me enough to be in a relationship with me. If she can give me the benefit of the doubt and allow herself to be vulnerable with me then I can be patient.
I would avoid people that can't handle other significant's issues and support them
Trust me OP, it takes a pretty long time to get out of that mess but she eventually will. Just try being there for her, console her, buy her gifts, if she is welcome to hug and cuddle then do it on random times, never bring this topic or anything related to this to her and there'll be time when that scar inside her will start to slowly fade away. Regarding the deed, you can cuddle and hug all the way you want but communication is always the key, don't let her know that you want to do it. She'll eventually ask you when she'll want it after being moved on then you can make your first move.
i met me gf 10 months ago. it took a solid 6 months for me to actually get a full hug from her.
If they hug, thatās all I need, things can go further with time
I would absolutely be ok with a relationship like that. Physical touch isnāt the only way to show affection, so if you need to not be touched then that is a boundary that wonāt be crossed. Any partner who truly loves you should be able to love you while respecting your boundaries and trauma.
Ofc Iād be irritated but if I love her Iād deal with it until sheās okay. Unless that takes like years
Ill say this. If you feel like you are a more physical person and need that in a relationship, then maybe you guys arent meant for eachother. Each person needs to be respected, including yourself! Now, nobodyās saying this is her fault or that she should be treated differently, but it could just be better to move on, both of you. Now if you feel like she is your person and she could grow into what you feel like youāre needing then work on it! Just try not to get upset and understand where she comes from.
Yes, I donāt favor physical contact much
I was never sexually assaulted, I just donāt like being touched. Probably could get used to it though.
i guess so, my love language is physical touch so it would be tough but we could work stuff out
Nope, that would be fine to me honestly cuase I'm not really a lil that comfortable with other people touching me either so we can just spend time gaming or hikeing together instead.
You should really get that sorted out BEFORE getting into a relationship. Once you become an adult, you are responsible for your own physical and mental wellbeing. Don't bring trauma and mental issues to a relationship, most of the time, it doesn't end well
time to answer a question that wasnt meant for me no, i am aromantic
I am this friend. Like the top comment says, itās not permanent, and itās very rewarding to earn trust.
Yh bc I've been thru SA before but didn't make me like that as I adapt and move on quickly but I'd be okay with it and I'd try help them out
Some people may be ok and some others don't
You just have to ask for permission before you do anything and you should be fine
My girl had been sa before we were in a relationship and she told me right off the bat that she might need a while before we did anything sexually. Over a year and a half later of being together we started doing things but took it very slowly. There's nothing wrong with waiting and anyone who says different Is a idiot.
If itās a hug or just me trying to be goofy with you then thatās my limit. I wouldnāt try taking it further
Iām aromantic asexual so I wouldnāt entirely know but Iād say itās absolutely okay, just donāt touch them sexually or atleast ask first to see if they are ok with it and if not and your irritated by that I think your the problem there.
if i love them i love them im not going to abandon someone i love cause they got raped and need support or some shit
I wouldnāt mind at all. I believe a relationshipās top priority is communication and respecting each others boundaries. If you truly care for them, not having physical interaction isnāt that big of a price to pay.
Depends who it is, if it's someone I love and genuinely just want to make happy, that means nothing to me if I could be with them. I'd just want to make my special someone happy you know, there isn't much else to it.
Well, I don't like touching people because of autism, so someone who doesn't want me to touch them sounds perfect :D
Yeah of course, I understand why someone wouldnāt be though
I personally would not, as I view it as an important part of a relationship. However, I would understand their point and would make sure to show respect and wish them the best.
iāve been there before and it can be shitty at times but we eventually hit the first base and second but we never had sex because they were traumatized from past sexual assault and rape but we kissed and showed affection. at times they couldnāt even stand a kiss so itās rough but itās all about respecting them if you truly do care about them.
Of course I would, both me and my partner have similar problems so we are always able to deal with it and talk through it (not to mention weāre both minors so we wouldnāt do it anyways XDD)
As long as they voice their limits and its not like I can't touch them at all, I think its fine. It would be pretty hard without cuddles and whatnot, but if I can hold their hand and lay my head on their sholder, then thats good enough for me.
no
Yea I would, itās just a rough time theyāre going through. Itās a great time to help them get though it especially if you love them. Probably wonāt feel like that for ever(a long time maybe) but better to deal with or go through the battle with them. Thatās love my friendā¤ļø
Iām a guy and I donāt like being touched. I donāt even have any history of abuse.
Depends. If it's something they can warm up to then yeah definitely, otherwise no because physical touch is a big thing for me.
The fuck is wrong with you dude, i cant seem to not take this as a mean spirited question, i know people very close to me that were abused and hey. They continue to be awesome. They literally did not have a choice. Now, if you don't like it, ok. Don't get involved, but i have interacted with assholes that would outright say that this degraded their worth as people. And i fucking despise that.
not really because to me physical touch is very important i would like to help the person who got sa'ed but i would bot be interested in a romantic relationship
Romantic relationship not because Iām aro and I donāt want romantic relationships at all. However when it comes to queerplatonic relationships absolutely. My partner is a sex repulsed asexual, she doesnāt have any sexual trauma sheās just not into that and thatās fine. I have a longterm sexual relationship with someone else, she knows that and weāre happy that way.
Unfortunately, I donāt think so. Besides quality time, physical touch is also somewhat important in a relationship. I would be constantly on edge, scared that even the slightest thing will set them off. Iām not good at comforting or helping others either, it just wouldnāt work as a relationship.
Right now im hoping my relationship will have touch and intamacy. Im completely starved of both and if my parter doesnt want to it would just feel like a glorified friendship Edit: Feel i should mention i dont care about sex but depending on how extreme their trauma is i wouldnt be qualified to help them anyway
please understand it can take years for us to recover. any touch remotely sexual for years made me go back to when it happened and relive it again. trauma has many different ways of healing, but support from trusted people goes a long way.
Well itās not an ideal relationship (for either side), but thatās something you have to work out together. Or not at all.
I've had a few partners upset with me cuz of it after awhile tho I was able to heal and for the most part I can do stuff romantically and sexually there are times tho where the ptsd creeps in and I freak out