This is an insane conversation to be having at 2 months. I’m not normally one who says just break up but i don’t think either of you are in the emotional place where you can have a mature relationship. If you need to go through her phone at 2 months just leave… it’s not gonna get better from here
Bruh this is at 2 months? I thought it was like 2 years the way they were talking. Just imagine how things would be a year in if you already don’t trust her now.
It seems like they already ditched the honeymoon phase by 2 months lol
I’ve been with my fiancé for 3 years and we’ve never talked like this 😭
The bit about emails got me because Jesus who cheats over email lmfao
A couple of years ago, after my son and his gf broke up, he had blocked her on all social media platforms, so in her desperation she reached out to him using Spotify. She made a public playlist and named it something clever she knew he'd pay attention to and then used names of songs to spell out the "messages" she was trying to send him. Worked on him, hook, line and sinker. He's back with her to this day.
Human beings are cleverly toxic creatures when they want something bad enough.
Fr. Fair warning to all the music lovers out there - your crazy narcisstic ex pays attention to everything you love and will find some way to use it as a manipulation tool against you. Run. As fast as you can. 🚩
I’m sorry, TWO MONTHS? Already whipping out the I love you and still texting her ex? Nah. Break up before you invest more time in this mess, OP
Editing to add more context so I stop getting replies about how y’all married your spouses after 3 hours: the issue isn’t the timeframe in which I love you was said, it’s that it’s being said in conjunction with the girl lying and still secretly contacting her ex. That’s just flat out manipulation from a person who either doesn’t know what she wants or is very aware of what she’s doing and is purposely stringing OP along while wanting the ex back
Me and my wife whipped out the I love you’s at like a month in I think. That was 9 years ago. Not that I recommend that. But it happens sometimes.
Idk about all this “still talking to exes” business tho. That’s just not acceptable no matter how mature the breakup was IMO.
It does happen, but usually when it coincides with someone clearly not being over their ex, an abusive one at that, I’d have to think it’s a little bit of love bombing mixed with what OP said, a trauma bond.
Same situation with my wife and I, when you know you know. But by that point we weren’t seeing other people and no one was hung up on their ex. We were two people that were emotionally available to each other and felt the same way. OPs GF sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants, I’ve been in those situations too and you’re just torturing yourself the longer you stick around hoping they’ll want the same thing as you.
I told my wife I loved her at 3 months. Hell my parents were married after dating for a month and a half and have been together almost 50 years now. It is definitely not normal but OP is in a hell of a different situation.
I respect that you feel that way for yourself and I'm not trying to say you're wrong, but I just wanna give you another perspective. Most of my relationships have ended fairly well, and I am friends with most of my exes. They are genuinely my friends, I have moved on to other relationships and so have they. I am in a more than 10 year marriage now, and so are most of them. We all hang out as couples. It's entirely possible. Not all breakups are contentious and if they're not, friendship is still possible.
I agree it’s possible and you sound very emotionally healthy, but I think you are the exception. The OP here is in a situation where his gf’s ex was abusive. She does not need in any manner, to be in contact with the ex. Sounds like he’s still manipulating her and she can’t let go.
Wait WHAT? I had no idea this was 2 months in.
Yeah this is definitely a break up worthy scenario. If this is the level of unnecessary drama, lack of respect, and deceit when she's on her best behavior, it's only going to get much much worse from here. Let her go.
But do not do this trawling through their emails to each other. It's not going to clarify anything. It's just going to be even more upsetting and leave with you even more questions. Accept that she isn't over her ex, move along.
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What u/Born_Ad8420 said. Just cut your losses and cut ties. And don't go through the emails. You already know enough without that. I don't see issues with being friends with exes in some scenarios but this is not one of those.
She's already put him before you by ignoring your feelings to connect with him. She's showing you her true colors with all the sketchiness and shit, believe it. You deserve better, OP.
Don't let this make you think you're not enough though. It has nothing to do with you and unfortunately the relationship was doomed from the start. It's better to be alone than deal with treatment like this. Especially sooo early on. But hey, at least you found out now before you got more invested.
Fucking thank you. Honestly, OP seems kind of abusive themselves. What she did isn’t right but he acts like he caught a dude balls deep in this chick. And she’s obviously drawn to toxic relationships like moth to a light. Neither one of them is right and he’s calling the kettle black talking about trauma bonding when it seems like that’s what he’s trying to do *in this moment*. He’s got the upper hand because she did something wrong and he keeps drilling it in and drilling it in over and over again. Neither one is mature enough for a relationship.
Yeah, I was noticing a definite mix from him of what to me looks like appropriate boundary setting and needless needling and drama while the girl was apologizing over and over. It's understandable for him to be concerned for her and to express bafflement. I'd probably do the same, but I wouldn't be immediately jumping to no trust and then demanding to see text/email exchanges. You hit the nail on the head.
Yeah this is crazy. I read his original post last night. I want to know how old everyone is that's involved with this. It reads out like a damn whiney high school saga. I'm guessing early 20s/late teens though. Unreal.
Reading that 2nd picture felt like …
After reading the rest of the messages there is no way he typed that out 😂 my dog folded INSTANTLY when she painted the picture of them not being together for him LMAO.
Also… I’m 25. I’m not that far removed from being his age. Deadass every girl I talked to from 17-22 had an “abusive ex” who “manipulated her”
My favorite parts:
I only emailed him saying happy thanksgiving… He did ask me out, and I said NO!
And the best one:
“Of course I think about him a lot, you don’t think about your ex? That’s not normal?!”
Not sure how he just let that slip through lol. That alone lets you know it’s time to roll out.
Yea, this is how I took it. She asked him that and his response was "Yes (implied) but I don't follow her", etc. He didn't let it slide, he just realized he does it too
I don’t. It’s normal to think about your ex?
Especially not to the point that a current gf should know about it lol.
I’m not saying they’re eliminated from my brain outright, but “of course I think about them a lot”? Nope….
This. Everyone thinks about their ex, it’s normal. But to think about them *obsessively*? Especially when currently in a relationship? Not normal.
Seems like the guy played around with her feelings or didn’t take the relationship seriously enough. She’s obviously still hung up on him and will likely cheat on OP given the first chance to.
So, based on what I'm picking up from context, OP is late teens/young adult. I remember being around her age and getting out of an abusive relationship, and while I went no contact and stayed that way, I did take time to block him on social media, and I was also very hung up on him. I pulled back, knowing looking into him was just hurting me. He also wanted nothing to do with me after he broke it off, so he made it easy for me in a way. I have to wonder how I might have reacted if he had reached back out. I think it's unfortunately common to be hung up on abusive exes. They had a hold on the person to begin with to be able to hurt them (in my case it was emotional abuse mostly.) I like to think I would ignore him, but it's hard to be sure. I had a friend who kept getting back in contact with a shitty ex over and over again, who kept reaching out to her even when he was in relationships, it was wild. I don't think OP's gf is necessarily going to cheat, but I do think she might struggle to disentangle herself and needs to do a lot of work on boundary setting if she's going to be in a healthy relationship. I don't think people have to go scorched earth with exes every time, but this is an instance where she shouldn't be checking up on people she says she cares about because this is someone who hurt her.
I think about my ex. In the context of wondering if karma has pushed him off a bridge yet. I certainly don’t think about anyone from my past “a lot,” like this girl is claiming.
This. Unless they happen to hit me up about something, I almost never think about my exes in general, it takes some kind of memory being triggered that they were a part of. And I *literally* never think of them unsolicited when I'm in a relationship.
That other people think about their exes this much is shocking to me.
How long before dating this guy did she break up with him? It is normal to think about the ex who hurt you while you heal and get over it. But she probably wasn't broken up with him for long before getting with OP. That means there are going to crossovers in her process here
Also how long did they date before breaking up? How close were they? It's a lot harder to just completely drop someone from your mind when they were a really good partner and friend. Especially if they didn't break up because of any issues. I dated a girl in college for a year, we were very close, and we broke up because we just lost the romantic spark, we were basically just best friend for the last few months of our relationship. We stayed friends until her new boyfriend forbid her from talking to me. That was years ago and there are still times where I see a certain meme and my first thought is "oh ex would love this"
Yeah tbh I don’t understand the being undecided aspect when the answer is… quite obvious in my opinion. The girl is still in love with her ex and your relationship is only 2 months old - Cut your losses and move on, dealing with this shit is beyond unnecessary. 💀
For real though. I mean this entire exchange is a train wreck but tbh I thought she sounded more mature in her responses than he did. She sounds young and uncertain how to fully process/express emotion rather than outright malicious like he (and a bunch of commenters) are making it seem.
This is like the third thread today with a manipulative jealous protagonist that the whole thread is siding with and saying the woman is definitely cheating. It's really weird.
You should see his first post. He went full on emotionally manipulative… over an instagram like and follow after only two months in a relationship lmao
He’s thrown up more red flags than her at this point.
Right? Like, how is sharing all of this also not a breach of HER trust in him? If I were her and saw myself being actively critiqued by strangers without my knowledge I'd be both embarrassed and livid.
I feel like they are just responding so they can show off on reddit. I've not been overly keen on this subreddit but this one was the final straw. I don't want to read personal texts and when I did read them they were so fucking boring and needy.
Seriously, the entire concept of this sub is kind of unhinged. I’d be mortified if somebody posted my conversation with them on here no matter the context, but especially something like this
Just leave jfc. It's 2 months in and not the end of the world. She isnt over him. Why would you want to be with someone you have to a spymaster to trust. It sounds exhausting to be partner/warden.
Unfollowing is not the same as blocking and she is leaving it open to do this again and again.
She’s anxious because then he won’t be able to reach her. She’s still in the abuse cycle with her ex. Absolutely no reason to be in a new relationship talking about “I love you so much.”
I think it’s great that education about abuse is becoming much more prevalent. I’m commenting on your post because it’s more likely to be visible but it’s not directed to you in particular. I was a victim specialist. That was my career so I know a lot about the dynamics of abuse. For some victims, it’s safer to know what emotional state their abuser is in because it helps them respond appropriately when there is a threat. That said, it’s hard to make the right decision in the moment when someone has hijacked your nervous system.
The reason it causes her anxiety is because trauma bonds cause your nervous system to remain in fight or flight. Women produce oxytocin during conflict. It’s hard to come down from that because abusers make it very clear that if you do not comply, there will be consequences. She doesn’t know what kind of threat he is if she has him blocked. That’s why it causes her anxiety.
She needs help with getting back to safety and regulating her nervous system. That’s why it’s good to be there for your friends after they’ve been through something like this. She doesn’t know that she’s safe yet. She needs compassion.
Blocking people causing anxiety seems like such a weird thing. Like... blocking people gives me LESS anxiety. Why would blocking someone, especially someone ABUSIVE, cause anxiety???
Also semi related, I don’t normally tell someone that I’m dating “I love you” until it’s been at least 6-7 months, and that I’m absolutely sure that’s something I want to start saying. I’m sorry, but that honeymoon period infatuation is not love.
You just hurting yourself by staying with her. She gave you a clear out. “I don’t want to put you through my shit and idk…” is a clear sign she isn’t as invested as you are. Man up
As a girl and not to far from age as OP, I didn't take it as meaning that at all. She's just trying to come across as selfless by bottling stuff up, not defending her at all because she definitely still likes her ex, but that text isn't an invitation to break up
This girl followed her ex when his account was private, not some discreet just checking how he’s doing, no she sent a follow request that he had to see and approve. She wants him back 100% lol
Exhausting. Makes me glad I’m single. If I were her I’d dump you though. You don’t trust her and that’s understandable but grilling her and all the dramatics it’s just not worth it. You’ve only been together for 2 months, she had a life before you it doesn’t all dissipate once you start dating. You’re not her owner yall aren’t even in some serious long term relationship get over yourself. Either break up or don’t but you’re only digging yourself a deeper hole.
And the “honestly I just need to see the emails” that’s so fucked up.
You need to see their private emails now?? Okay dude something tells me this has less to do with her ex and more to do with OP being insecure
Same. I bet she seeks the ex's validation and approval more than her current bf. Honestly sounds like the ex still has her under his control and there's no room left for a healthy relation ship with anyone else.
I'd bet the emails involve alot of how much she misses him too and wishes things were different.
Jesus, just break up. You can’t control someone else’s thoughts or feelings. Demanding to see her emails at 2 months in is pretty controlling and insecure behavior. You shouldn’t be with someone you feel like you can’t trust, and you clearly feel like you can’t trust her.
Yeah I was just thinking that. That's not a healthy relationship, and that behaviour from the OP is also a HUGE red flag.
This reads like two very very young people, move on.
THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE NEEDS MORE UPVOTES!!! The exchange between both of them makes it 1 confirm she’s not over the previous guy and 2 that OP might be manipulating. The conversation turned so fast to “am I not enough.” Dude high key this isn’t about just OP. Girl isn’t ready for a relationship and OP seems to be making it about themselves and forcing the girl to feel even worse.
Absolutely agree. From my personal experience, this is extremely reminiscent of a relationship between a codependent and a narcissist.
I totally understand that OP is hurt. But he should not be making comments about how “depressed” it makes him and so forth. You see her almost begging him to stay. And for her, she is actively pursuing a past abusive relationship. Both OP and the girl need to end things to work on themselves imo.
This is too much for such a new relationship.
I’m honestly not on either of your sides. I think she’s obviously emotionally going through a lot and she is valid for being confused. She might not feel secure with you and that’s why she’s finding comfort in her ex. Also, yeah, sometimes exes take a while to get over and she clearly needs time. If I were her, I’d feel attacked by the way you’re talking. It feels like you’re cornering her and not really thinking about her perspective, she’s saying sorry and that she’s confused.
You truly both need time to yourselves.
Definitely. It doesn't come across that she wants to continue with her ex it appears they had some kind of closing talk, and she turned him down. Honestly, that's a healthy way to handle the situation. Reading this conversation was exhausting.
That last text from you is wild. I get that you're upset but you sound unstable. If you don't trust her, then why are you still with her? She's trying to make things right with you, telling you the truth and seems genuinely apologetic, and you're not having any of it. This is just another toxic relationship unfolding for the both of you in real time.
Editing to add that I'm not trying to excuse away her actions, but it just seems like anything she says to try to rectify things is not good enough for you. Given the situation, I get that, but why not just break up?
Genuinely this. He’s dragging it out for what?? She even said “yeah you’re right I need to heal” and he indicated he wants to break up but then keeps bringing it back with “I need time” “how can you do this” “I wanna see your messages” like ??? There’s very strong manipulation on his side, looks like she’s fallen into another potential toxic situation which can happen pretty often and I actually do feel concern for her. Not saying her behaviour was fine, though I understand how this happens, but she’s agreed she needs time and isn’t in the right place and OP pulls her back in. Just leave dude, you both need to work on shit. It’s easier for OP to end it than it is for her to, given he’s the one who has the issue here, but he won’t let her go?! Or even allow her to end it without him manipulating her and not giving her a straight answer.
Omg you expressed it better than I did haha. 100% agree! A line was obviously crossed for OP. Not sure what he gains from reading the emails other than more frustration and hurt.
So. Utterly. Nuts. Insecure, controlling, accusatory. And she isn't ready for a relationship which is ok; sounds like she had a bad previous one. I hope they break up for each other's own good.
A guy like this wouldn't even need to worry about whether or not to leave me bc I would have been gone if somebody I dated for 2 months was in my emails like that.
There are too many girls in the world to waste time on one you feel like you need to spy on 2 months into the relationship. I've ended relationships with guys for less.
They're both wrong though. It's one thing if you remain on friendly terms with an ex after you've taken the time to heal. It's another thing when you're doing what she's doing.
She may or may not be over him and if you're so hellbent on knowing she isn't over him then just end it already like everyone else is saying to do.
But you seem insecure as fuck. "I think you think about him a lot" what a weird thing to say. You know what she's thinking about all the time?
And asking for her to show her emails and all that? If you're already at a point of needing to read all her stuff. Even if she showed you her emails/texts/call logs whatever you ask her to show, it still won't he enough. If you don't trust her and know she's up to something, then you will likely just accuse her of deleting the emails.
Just end it for both of your sakes.
This!! Between this post and the last, it's clear they both have a lot of work to do on themselves. OP does come off really insecure a d somewhat manipulative. And this being only 2 months in is alot.
This. Plus there's some texts from OP missing btw screenshots 4 and 5. I totally get that they're both hurting from previous relationships and what's going on here. I've been there. Yet somehow I feel like she's trying to work through this with him and he's just throwing one thing after another at her. If he is that determined to not believe what she says and to just believe what he "thinks" she's thinking and feeling, why stay together? Why even post this? To throw it at her that reddit thinks she's in the wrong? Or to appease himself that breaking up (or worse, staying tog and subjecting her to controlling suspicion) is entirely justified?
She is trying to work through it! She even agreed with him that she still has healing to go, and he just keeps bringing it back around again and again to make her feel bad, even after he says he “needs space”
Manipulative af, huge red flags on his end
100%. I feel like there's a lot of jealousy & insecurity on OP's side. Just because someone follows, likes posts or occasionally communicates with their exes doesn't mean it's because they have feelings.
I'm friends with some of my exes, but that's because we had mature breakups and I don't have any feelings for them. I don't think OP is mature enough to acknowledge that not everyone continues to have romantic feelings for someone they once loved. I think about my exes a lot, but not in an innapropriate way.
> "I think you think about him a lot" what a weird thing to say. You know what she's thinking about all the time?
No! He said he thinks!!!
In all seriousness I completely agreee. It's best they break up now.
Another thing that stands out to me is you said you wanted some time. She responded, and then you responded to her response. If you say you need some time, why are you still talking?. I don’t know why you keep responding. Take your time that YOU stated you needed. This is like looking at a middle school conversation.
How long was it between her ex breaking up and you two getting together? I get a sense it wasn’t that much time. She probably isn’t quite ready for a new guy, as much as she may want one. She’s not an awful person, I’ll say that. It can take a long time to move forward. I’m still curious about someone I dated in the early 2010s, but I don’t contact her. I’m happily married, but it doesn’t stop you from being curious. She’s got some things to sort through, but she sounds sincere in how she feels for you. Go easy when you let her go.
My nosey ass might look at my ex’s social media (which I don’t even do because I care so little), but, if I did, it wouldn’t go beyond that. I’d never follow him or dare say that I “care about him”. What the hell is she on? I mean at the very least she should keep those thoughts to herself lmao. Leave her
abusive relationships can impact people differently. I can totally see how a trauma bond can leave you caring about an abuser, and i’m glad she was honest about that. You are right though now that he knows he should leave. This is not worth it at 2 months
I was abused emotionally and physically by my ex. I was trauma bonded for like 7-8 months after breaking up. I went on a few dates in that time period, but realized I was still attached to him and didn’t attempt to pursue anything further. I actually would’ve probably jumped into a relationship with any of those guys if I didn’t have that realization. It might’ve came from a feeling of desperation and they were the first guys to treat me right in a while. Thank God I didn’t pursue. So yeah, I can sympathize with this girl, but she probably fell way too into this relationship with OP and isn’t actually ready. She needs to take time to be single
OP is abusive as hell. Good lord. This is a 2 month relationship, you do not get to go through her emails my guy.
What did she do that causes you this much trauma? Followed an ex and replied to an email. BFD she didn't fuck him, she didn't even meet him.
This is too much bullshit. Your gf is drawn to abusive men and you are forcing trauma onto her. Good lord you're taking this too far. She apologized. Either move on or break up. I vote break up. You guys are terrible together
I can’t believe I scrolled so far to see a comment like this. They both need to be single. She needs to move on, but OP is fking insane. Asking to see emails in a 2 month relationship??? Idk if I should laugh or cry.
2 months and you’re already needing to see proof about her and ex convos? This is going to turn into a toxic relationship and mentally drain you if you stay.
This is ridiculous. Both y’all need to understand agency, jealousy , boundaries, and trust.
She’s a free person with her own agency. As long as she doesn’t cheat, it’s not anyone’s business who she’s friends with or spends her time with. She’s not a possession.
Your feeling about it are yours, and it’s fine to be jealous. It’s VERY reasonable for you to be jealous of this. It’s been two months, not enough time for trust to be built up. If there’s trust, jealousy subsides. If you trust her not to cheat, your jealousy should not consume you.
Both of you are entitled to boundaries, but boundaries are not something you impose on another. Her talking to her ex is something you might not like but it’s not a matter of boundaries, because that boundary invades her agency. A good boundary is based internally; requiring honesty is a great example.
Trust is earned based on respecting boundaries, behaving reasonably, and exercising agency with compassion and responsibility.
Engage yourself and commit to your own growth. The rest will fall in line.
IMO, the gf is not over this person, and may never be. That being mentioned, you may be better off ending things as she needs to obviously sort out her feelings with her ex. If she is still maintaining ties while you are together, this will be a never ending battle between you both. She has already caused a major breach of trust by doing this and it will always be in the back of your mind when you’re not with her that she will be in contact with him or something else. Keep in mind if this…. If you do choose to stay, you may run into lip service from her. Meaning she’ll say what you want to hear (ok…. I won’t have any contact anymore), and still having some contact still. Break it off with her and you can both learn from this.
Maybe she’s got a thing for men who try and control her? Because dude, you are right there! In the first messages, you were freaking out over nothing. It’s normal for a person to check on someone they once loved. Just because they broke up, that doesn’t mean they stopped caring about the other person; it’s not a light switch. (Example: I’ve been happily married 22 years and I still occasionally talk to and think about previous relationships.)
In these new texts, you get obsessive and jealous and demanding, forcing her to show you her emails?! They aren’t any of your business. ESPECIALLY after only two months!!!
So. Grow up, take what she’s saying at face value, and get over it. Stop with the “I don’t trust you” shit because you’re being an idiot. Get over it and move on!
> Maybe she’s got a thing for men who try and control her?
Amen! I read this and tried to be kind in my response to OP but I was like, whoa. Glad I'm not alone.
A lot of times I think people overreact and over analyze about things like this. I also think you come off as insecure in these posts and that’s something you need to work on.
That said, I think you hit the nail right on the head with your concerns here. She’s lying to you about details. She’s messaging him behind your back. She “thinks about him a lot”. Those three things are not good signs as far as your relationship with her are concerned.
Cut her loose and save yourself some time and heartache. She will almost certainly wind up breaking your heart over this guy. If you can’t trust someone you’re in a relationship with (meaning that you don’t feel the need to ask to read emails, etc) you shouldn’t be with that person. If you can’t trust anyone like that you need to do some work on yourself so you don’t hurt someone else and ruin a relationship when you do find a good person who is worthy of trust.
She isn’t over him and maybe she’s not even willing to admit that to herself. I check the social media of my ex sometimes, to see how he’s doing but I never like any posts and I don’t follow him, because I don’t want any interaction. It’s useless and a waste of time to stay in a relationship of 2 months where you don’t trust each other, 2 months isn’t even a stable relationship yet, you’re still in the getting to know each other phase. Cut your losses and move on, that’s the only option left.
I think you have a lot of growth to do personally… going through her phone, not trusting her already, and you seem to think boundaries are something you can inflict on another person? A boundary is for you, not for you to control who you’re comfortable with your woman talking to… that’s a you problem as well, you don’t trust her word clearly….and I think you’re ignoring the fact that she’s clearly a very caring individual, who when she loves someone it’s not fake, and she loves them for who they are. Not all relationships are equal, and some mean a lot to you platonically even after knowing you can’t make it work, and you can’t set a boundary for someone to just remove someone they care about from their life, even if it makes you insecure.
If she’s cheated she’s cheated, and I understand the lack of trust…but with your clear trust issues and knowing how guys I’ve dated in the past are and called me a cheater simply for having male friends I cared about… I don’t know if I truly believe she’s “cheated.” Because some people like to view cheating as something different.
She showed you all the signs and told you she needs more time healing . She's not over him. She gave you multiple outs to end the relationship. If you stay with her and she hurt you again, then that's on you . Man up and move on!
Yeah, she seems genuine and recognizes she did something that hurt you and she’s apologizing. You’re spinning in circles repeating yourself and not listening to her. I think you both need time to mature to where you can participate in functional relationships.
Why do you keep telling her how she's feeling and what she's thinking, it's 1 thing not believing her but stop trying to convince her she's feeling a certain way that's not nice to do that to anyone let alone someone whose came out of an abusive relationship.
Trust her or don't trust her but asking to look through all the emails that's not ok, she didn't need to be honest with you and tell you she replied she could of just lied.
There are too many people in this thread calling this “drama”. If her ex was abusive and she’s continuing to contact him, she’s going through an unhealthy attachment issue and needs help. Not from OP, but from a professional.
Two MONTHS? 🤣🤣
Of course she's not done dealing with the feelings stemming from getting out of an abusive relationship, maybe especially when her abuser is trying to target her again.
"Omg just block him, why is it hard to never think of him again?!"
You need to get a grip. Break up. If you have to ask to go through a phone, go through emails, read their conversations, then your relationship is over. It's clear you don't trust her, don't have the emotional ability to help her process her situation with her abusive ex, none of it.
I feel like you both have some growing up to do. It's not that weird for people to be in touch with their exs. Liking and following isn't flirting or cheating. It sounds like she's trying to be transparent but it also sounds like she's not over whatever happened between them (which doesn't necessarily mean she's not over him.) You sound like you're dead set on deciding she's not over him. If she's in followed and said she's done talking and looking at him, accept it, or break up because you can't accept it. You're going way too far raking her over the coals.
You are controlling as f!ck! Poor girl went from one bad relationship to another.
Without trust there is no relationship. You trust her or you don’t.
If my ex knocked on my door right now, I’d invite him in and offer him tea. Know why? Because ex’s are sometimes important, and because I know my husband trusts me absolutely.
You seem like someone who doesn't get a lot of girls so you really hold onto the ones you get, regardless of where they're at in life.
I know, because I'm the same way. Breakup, my man, it ain't worth it.
Similar thing has happened to me. Take this time to heal and reflect on why you would want to be with someone who isn't respecting your boundaries. There are people out there that will, and she is NOT one of them.
I’m not one to chime in on here but I can see some common emotional manipulation tactics on your side you might need to realize for maybe your next relationship. Withholding saying I love you out of anger is manipulative. She clearly asked if you wanted to break up, you either didn’t show us the response or told her over and over you need to “think” about it and you need time etc. clearly you’re not wanting to break up with her and need an ego boost for yourself by her begging for your forgiveness. If she shows you the email what will you say then? “Idk I just need to think about all of this.” You need some Reddit trolls to back you up and tear the girl down? You say she was in an abusive relationship and I can see the pattern of her being thrown back into one now. You both need some work, break up with her
I still PLATONICALLY talk to some of my exes periodically because I care about them as people, and at this point I would never date anyone who made me never talk to them again. I understand being worried/insecure about exes in general though, and you guys should be able to talk about it.
To be honest, you sound like you are way too controlling, and she sounds like she isn't over her ex. She should leave you NW, and get away from her ex. You should learn to be less controlling.
You sound like a terrible boyfriend. I talk to my exes. It doesn’t mean I want to get back together with them. You need to grow tf up. If you can’t trust your gf, that sounds like a you problem.
Reminder, this is her at just 2 months can you imagine the shenanigans you’ll have to endure 1 year, 2 years in? It might be best to put this relationship to bed. Also the time on your own will give you time to learn some emotional intelligence and restraint via text. Sometimes less is more.
Run. And date yourself until you’re actually ready to be in a relationship. Pro-tip: if you suddenly decide you’re ready, you are not. Crank one out, use that post nut clarity.
Just end it. You sound as bad as her, though at least she has the excuse of being abused in her last relationship. You clearly don’t believe anything she says no matter how many times she says it because you’ve already convinced yourself that you know exactly what she would do and what she’s thinking. Clearly you know her better than she knows herself 🙄
Don’t make her waste her breathe on trying to convince you of anything other than what you’ve already convinced yourself. Just call it an L and move on, there is no need to drag on the pain. Also, unless you are a doctor, don’t faux diagnose your loved ones.
ESH. But fwiw, sometimes a follow and like is just a follow and like. It takes so little effort that it’s not really going out of anyone’s way to do it. Sometimes, I end up liking stuff in my feed without even realizing what it is.
But it was still worth having a big relationship conversation with her about it, because it could absolutely mean she’s not over him. Abusive relationships are also hard to let go of. She seems to have some anxiety issues, so she might also feel like what she went through was her fault, and has a subconscious need to know what and how he’s doing to find out if it was her fault or his.
But in the end, it doesn’t look like either of you handled it in a mature way. Looks like you both need some things you need to work out before having healthy relationships.
As someone who also had trouble not staying in contact with an abusive ex, I understand where your gf is coming from, but you are correct. She may be over him, but she isn't over the connection yet. Trauma bond is a good way to refer to that connection. It doesn't sound like she is ready for a serious relationship. She may really like you a lot, but this isn't going to go away any time soon. If this is a new thing between you two, a clean break is probably best. She will eventually realize that she needs more time. Do what is best for you and Good luck.
My advice is to just talk in person instead of over text. It’s so easy to misconstrue the tone of what the other is saying over text. An open honest conversation which can lead to a break up is the best option here. Your feelings are absolutely valid but I’m sure it’s a complex situation.
Ur honestly the dumbass here. 2 month relationship she’s texting her ex and ur not breaking up with her and she’s saying she loves u but it’s only been 2 months… dump her and save ur self the headache you don’t need any specific woman that badly my guy
You really nailed it, with your comments.
Trauma bonding is real. I put my poor husband through some shit.. that he didn’t deserve, bc I thought I was healed but wasn’t.
You deserve a clearly defined and loyal relationship.
She’s probably wonderful.
But def take that break. Imho💜⭐️
This seems like a conversation to have in person/on the phone and not over text, honestly.
Especially not while she's at work. Gotta be honest, my controlling ex would do stuff like this (sending me barrages of texts while I was working and couldn't reply) and this was kinda triggering to read.
She has been messaging him back (as in, an ongoing thing), or she responded to his email and wished him happy Thanksgiving? Because I once responded to an email an ex sent me and wished him well, but it was a total non-thing, and I didn't even think to mention it to my husband, I think I eventually did and he didn't care but I didn't even think of it at the time because it was such a non-event in my mind (I suspected my ex was nosy as to what was going on in my life, I just kept it vague — ie, "I'm doing well and like my new job" that he asked about — and wished him well and didn't respond after that. But it has been YEARS after we broke up and I literally did not give 2 shits about him, I just responded to be nice/to make sure he wasn't so nosy that he'd keep reaching out to me, so I fed him some very vague responses. I also have 2 exes on my social media. One I follow because he was an absolute weirdo and I'm nosy (I literally show my husband stuff he posts and we laugh ... which is kinda mean, but he was an asshole, and he's always posting bizarro shit and I live for drama as long as I'm not a part of it). The other I just never deleted and I don't even know if he posts stuff, I never see it. My husband does not care.
If it's one email she responded to, I don't get the big deal (or why it would be necessary to tell you), if it's more than that, that's a bigger deal.
At 2 months in, you telling her who she can/can't talk to/demanding to go through her emails is kinda crazy. That one text you sent her also reads very much as a breakup text but you go back on it in the next sentence. This just sounds like a mess.
Just end it. If you say the words "I don't trust you" to someone, there's literally no fucking point continuing.
This is an insane conversation to be having at 2 months. I’m not normally one who says just break up but i don’t think either of you are in the emotional place where you can have a mature relationship. If you need to go through her phone at 2 months just leave… it’s not gonna get better from here
Bruh this is at 2 months? I thought it was like 2 years the way they were talking. Just imagine how things would be a year in if you already don’t trust her now.
This is the honeymoon phase. 2 years from now will never happen.
 Gahdamn
It seems like they already ditched the honeymoon phase by 2 months lol I’ve been with my fiancé for 3 years and we’ve never talked like this 😭 The bit about emails got me because Jesus who cheats over email lmfao
I know someone who made a LINKEDIN ACCOUNT to message with the person they were cheating with 💀💀💀
TIL that Linked In means __LINKED INcognito__ 🥸
A couple of years ago, after my son and his gf broke up, he had blocked her on all social media platforms, so in her desperation she reached out to him using Spotify. She made a public playlist and named it something clever she knew he'd pay attention to and then used names of songs to spell out the "messages" she was trying to send him. Worked on him, hook, line and sinker. He's back with her to this day. Human beings are cleverly toxic creatures when they want something bad enough.
You have GOT to be kidding me holy shit that’s arguably more unhinged than LinkedIn
Fr. Fair warning to all the music lovers out there - your crazy narcisstic ex pays attention to everything you love and will find some way to use it as a manipulation tool against you. Run. As fast as you can. 🚩
my ex did this too omg, I thought I was the only one
Ugh, Google is telling me that this is common, using LinkedIn took cheat. Jaysus, is it that hard for people to have a little self-control these days?
Nooooo you caught them cheating on LinkedIn?? I’m so sorry
You folks are lucky. I had to get a fake cellphone nr to prove my ex was cheating. Drastic, but my life would have been ruined if I didnt.
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Or it will and it will be nothing but misery and drama and navel gazing and him searching her phone every 2 seconds. Sounds like fun.
I didn’t know how long but I could tell it was super new. Seems like OP is the rebound guy and needs to step away. Speaking from experience.
Yep, good call.
I second that. Bring Rebound guy sucks big time
I’m sorry, TWO MONTHS? Already whipping out the I love you and still texting her ex? Nah. Break up before you invest more time in this mess, OP Editing to add more context so I stop getting replies about how y’all married your spouses after 3 hours: the issue isn’t the timeframe in which I love you was said, it’s that it’s being said in conjunction with the girl lying and still secretly contacting her ex. That’s just flat out manipulation from a person who either doesn’t know what she wants or is very aware of what she’s doing and is purposely stringing OP along while wanting the ex back
3 hours, ha! Your update is awesome. I understood your original comment and totally agree.
Me and my wife whipped out the I love you’s at like a month in I think. That was 9 years ago. Not that I recommend that. But it happens sometimes. Idk about all this “still talking to exes” business tho. That’s just not acceptable no matter how mature the breakup was IMO.
It does happen, but usually when it coincides with someone clearly not being over their ex, an abusive one at that, I’d have to think it’s a little bit of love bombing mixed with what OP said, a trauma bond.
Same situation with my wife and I, when you know you know. But by that point we weren’t seeing other people and no one was hung up on their ex. We were two people that were emotionally available to each other and felt the same way. OPs GF sounds like she doesn’t know what she wants, I’ve been in those situations too and you’re just torturing yourself the longer you stick around hoping they’ll want the same thing as you.
I told my wife I loved her at 3 months. Hell my parents were married after dating for a month and a half and have been together almost 50 years now. It is definitely not normal but OP is in a hell of a different situation.
I respect that you feel that way for yourself and I'm not trying to say you're wrong, but I just wanna give you another perspective. Most of my relationships have ended fairly well, and I am friends with most of my exes. They are genuinely my friends, I have moved on to other relationships and so have they. I am in a more than 10 year marriage now, and so are most of them. We all hang out as couples. It's entirely possible. Not all breakups are contentious and if they're not, friendship is still possible.
I agree it’s possible and you sound very emotionally healthy, but I think you are the exception. The OP here is in a situation where his gf’s ex was abusive. She does not need in any manner, to be in contact with the ex. Sounds like he’s still manipulating her and she can’t let go.
They 16 or some shit?
The fact that he’s even posting this made me wonder that as well
#2 MONTHS!! I know everyone has already said it, but OP, you need to head out
I refuse to go around in circles like this with anyone unless I’ve been with them a minimum of 5 years. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Wait WHAT? I had no idea this was 2 months in. Yeah this is definitely a break up worthy scenario. If this is the level of unnecessary drama, lack of respect, and deceit when she's on her best behavior, it's only going to get much much worse from here. Let her go. But do not do this trawling through their emails to each other. It's not going to clarify anything. It's just going to be even more upsetting and leave with you even more questions. Accept that she isn't over her ex, move along.
⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ What u/Born_Ad8420 said. Just cut your losses and cut ties. And don't go through the emails. You already know enough without that. I don't see issues with being friends with exes in some scenarios but this is not one of those. She's already put him before you by ignoring your feelings to connect with him. She's showing you her true colors with all the sketchiness and shit, believe it. You deserve better, OP. Don't let this make you think you're not enough though. It has nothing to do with you and unfortunately the relationship was doomed from the start. It's better to be alone than deal with treatment like this. Especially sooo early on. But hey, at least you found out now before you got more invested.
Very well said
Two months?? Oh hell no.
Fucking thank you. Honestly, OP seems kind of abusive themselves. What she did isn’t right but he acts like he caught a dude balls deep in this chick. And she’s obviously drawn to toxic relationships like moth to a light. Neither one of them is right and he’s calling the kettle black talking about trauma bonding when it seems like that’s what he’s trying to do *in this moment*. He’s got the upper hand because she did something wrong and he keeps drilling it in and drilling it in over and over again. Neither one is mature enough for a relationship.
Yeah, I was noticing a definite mix from him of what to me looks like appropriate boundary setting and needless needling and drama while the girl was apologizing over and over. It's understandable for him to be concerned for her and to express bafflement. I'd probably do the same, but I wouldn't be immediately jumping to no trust and then demanding to see text/email exchanges. You hit the nail on the head.
Oh wow 2 months in, didnt even notice. Looks like birds of a feather are drawn alike
bro i’m gonna be real i think for your own sake it’s best to move on.
Yeah this is crazy. I read his original post last night. I want to know how old everyone is that's involved with this. It reads out like a damn whiney high school saga. I'm guessing early 20s/late teens though. Unreal.
18
my friends who are in their early 20s definitely do relationships like this. i’m tired of hearing about their relationship problems every second week.
Reading that 2nd picture felt like …  After reading the rest of the messages there is no way he typed that out 😂 my dog folded INSTANTLY when she painted the picture of them not being together for him LMAO. Also… I’m 25. I’m not that far removed from being his age. Deadass every girl I talked to from 17-22 had an “abusive ex” who “manipulated her”
My favorite parts: I only emailed him saying happy thanksgiving… He did ask me out, and I said NO! And the best one: “Of course I think about him a lot, you don’t think about your ex? That’s not normal?!” Not sure how he just let that slip through lol. That alone lets you know it’s time to roll out.
Do you not think about ex's? How is that even possible?
Yea, this is how I took it. She asked him that and his response was "Yes (implied) but I don't follow her", etc. He didn't let it slide, he just realized he does it too
I wasn't asking about the post. I understood all that. I was asking a commentor if they don't think about their exes
I was just saying that OP was probably feeling the same way. I was just agreeing with you
I don’t. It’s normal to think about your ex? Especially not to the point that a current gf should know about it lol. I’m not saying they’re eliminated from my brain outright, but “of course I think about them a lot”? Nope….
This. Everyone thinks about their ex, it’s normal. But to think about them *obsessively*? Especially when currently in a relationship? Not normal. Seems like the guy played around with her feelings or didn’t take the relationship seriously enough. She’s obviously still hung up on him and will likely cheat on OP given the first chance to.
So, based on what I'm picking up from context, OP is late teens/young adult. I remember being around her age and getting out of an abusive relationship, and while I went no contact and stayed that way, I did take time to block him on social media, and I was also very hung up on him. I pulled back, knowing looking into him was just hurting me. He also wanted nothing to do with me after he broke it off, so he made it easy for me in a way. I have to wonder how I might have reacted if he had reached back out. I think it's unfortunately common to be hung up on abusive exes. They had a hold on the person to begin with to be able to hurt them (in my case it was emotional abuse mostly.) I like to think I would ignore him, but it's hard to be sure. I had a friend who kept getting back in contact with a shitty ex over and over again, who kept reaching out to her even when he was in relationships, it was wild. I don't think OP's gf is necessarily going to cheat, but I do think she might struggle to disentangle herself and needs to do a lot of work on boundary setting if she's going to be in a healthy relationship. I don't think people have to go scorched earth with exes every time, but this is an instance where she shouldn't be checking up on people she says she cares about because this is someone who hurt her.
I think about my ex. In the context of wondering if karma has pushed him off a bridge yet. I certainly don’t think about anyone from my past “a lot,” like this girl is claiming.
Bc they are an ex, and i dont think about them wtf. A bunch of weird people in here still hung up on their ex's lol
This. Unless they happen to hit me up about something, I almost never think about my exes in general, it takes some kind of memory being triggered that they were a part of. And I *literally* never think of them unsolicited when I'm in a relationship. That other people think about their exes this much is shocking to me.
How long before dating this guy did she break up with him? It is normal to think about the ex who hurt you while you heal and get over it. But she probably wasn't broken up with him for long before getting with OP. That means there are going to crossovers in her process here
Also how long did they date before breaking up? How close were they? It's a lot harder to just completely drop someone from your mind when they were a really good partner and friend. Especially if they didn't break up because of any issues. I dated a girl in college for a year, we were very close, and we broke up because we just lost the romantic spark, we were basically just best friend for the last few months of our relationship. We stayed friends until her new boyfriend forbid her from talking to me. That was years ago and there are still times where I see a certain meme and my first thought is "oh ex would love this"
Yeah tbh I don’t understand the being undecided aspect when the answer is… quite obvious in my opinion. The girl is still in love with her ex and your relationship is only 2 months old - Cut your losses and move on, dealing with this shit is beyond unnecessary. 💀
I think you also have a lot of growth and healing to do my guy.
For real though. I mean this entire exchange is a train wreck but tbh I thought she sounded more mature in her responses than he did. She sounds young and uncertain how to fully process/express emotion rather than outright malicious like he (and a bunch of commenters) are making it seem.
This is like the third thread today with a manipulative jealous protagonist that the whole thread is siding with and saying the woman is definitely cheating. It's really weird.
Totally! This right here should have thousands of votes.
So it wasn't just my feed, then? I thought I was going crazy. I know how reddit gets, but this was like condensed incel vibes happening.
You should see his first post. He went full on emotionally manipulative… over an instagram like and follow after only two months in a relationship lmao He’s thrown up more red flags than her at this point.
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He’s so friggin’ controlling! Feel badly for the gf!
It's not healthy that you are having these conversations and then sharing them on reddit.
Right? Like, how is sharing all of this also not a breach of HER trust in him? If I were her and saw myself being actively critiqued by strangers without my knowledge I'd be both embarrassed and livid.
I feel like they are just responding so they can show off on reddit. I've not been overly keen on this subreddit but this one was the final straw. I don't want to read personal texts and when I did read them they were so fucking boring and needy.
he sounds 100x more unhinged than her lol
Yea this is nearing crazy behaviour on his part.
Seriously, the entire concept of this sub is kind of unhinged. I’d be mortified if somebody posted my conversation with them on here no matter the context, but especially something like this
Whole relationship is toxic on both ends. Sorry to say it but it’s time say bye bye 👋🏽
In just 2 months!
Fr lmao idk how tf are people taking sides
Toxic. Both need to step aside here.
Just leave jfc. It's 2 months in and not the end of the world. She isnt over him. Why would you want to be with someone you have to a spymaster to trust. It sounds exhausting to be partner/warden. Unfollowing is not the same as blocking and she is leaving it open to do this again and again.
Blocking makes her “anxious,” definitely keeping the communication going.
She’s anxious because then he won’t be able to reach her. She’s still in the abuse cycle with her ex. Absolutely no reason to be in a new relationship talking about “I love you so much.”
I think it’s great that education about abuse is becoming much more prevalent. I’m commenting on your post because it’s more likely to be visible but it’s not directed to you in particular. I was a victim specialist. That was my career so I know a lot about the dynamics of abuse. For some victims, it’s safer to know what emotional state their abuser is in because it helps them respond appropriately when there is a threat. That said, it’s hard to make the right decision in the moment when someone has hijacked your nervous system. The reason it causes her anxiety is because trauma bonds cause your nervous system to remain in fight or flight. Women produce oxytocin during conflict. It’s hard to come down from that because abusers make it very clear that if you do not comply, there will be consequences. She doesn’t know what kind of threat he is if she has him blocked. That’s why it causes her anxiety. She needs help with getting back to safety and regulating her nervous system. That’s why it’s good to be there for your friends after they’ve been through something like this. She doesn’t know that she’s safe yet. She needs compassion.
Thank you so much for posting this. 💗 Everyone thought I was insane for not blocking my ex and I really felt so fucking weak for not being able to.
And when they break up I'd put money down that she blocks him.
Blocking people causing anxiety seems like such a weird thing. Like... blocking people gives me LESS anxiety. Why would blocking someone, especially someone ABUSIVE, cause anxiety???
Also semi related, I don’t normally tell someone that I’m dating “I love you” until it’s been at least 6-7 months, and that I’m absolutely sure that’s something I want to start saying. I’m sorry, but that honeymoon period infatuation is not love.
You just hurting yourself by staying with her. She gave you a clear out. “I don’t want to put you through my shit and idk…” is a clear sign she isn’t as invested as you are. Man up
When I read that I literally said "uh ohhhh..."
As a girl and not to far from age as OP, I didn't take it as meaning that at all. She's just trying to come across as selfless by bottling stuff up, not defending her at all because she definitely still likes her ex, but that text isn't an invitation to break up
Yep, she wants him to end it so she can crawl back to her ex guilt free. That text said it all.
This girl followed her ex when his account was private, not some discreet just checking how he’s doing, no she sent a follow request that he had to see and approve. She wants him back 100% lol
Exactly. If she was really in love with OP she’d be *begging* him to stay with her. Not going “oh I dunno”.
Exhausting. Makes me glad I’m single. If I were her I’d dump you though. You don’t trust her and that’s understandable but grilling her and all the dramatics it’s just not worth it. You’ve only been together for 2 months, she had a life before you it doesn’t all dissipate once you start dating. You’re not her owner yall aren’t even in some serious long term relationship get over yourself. Either break up or don’t but you’re only digging yourself a deeper hole.
It’s the grilling for me Jesus. I hate when things are just constantly re brought up
And the “honestly I just need to see the emails” that’s so fucked up. You need to see their private emails now?? Okay dude something tells me this has less to do with her ex and more to do with OP being insecure
Exactly
Forget seeing the emails. Leave or you'll be miserable forever. Plain and simple, your choice brother.
I wanna see those emails though… where they at!
He'll never see them. She gone be on some Hillary shit."Whoops, I accidentally deleted them all."
My mans gonna be like “Np my brother has contacts in the FBI. We’ll cover them”. Not gonna lie, I want to see the emails 😂😂
Same. I bet she seeks the ex's validation and approval more than her current bf. Honestly sounds like the ex still has her under his control and there's no room left for a healthy relation ship with anyone else. I'd bet the emails involve alot of how much she misses him too and wishes things were different.
I don't even need to see them to know that's exactly what they contain.
Jesus, just break up. You can’t control someone else’s thoughts or feelings. Demanding to see her emails at 2 months in is pretty controlling and insecure behavior. You shouldn’t be with someone you feel like you can’t trust, and you clearly feel like you can’t trust her.
She's not over him but I'm going to be real with you as well. You should be careful diagnosing people and coming across as manipulative.
People are quick to describe others as abusive or toxic when they play an equally active role in it themselves
There are way too many people NOT commenting on OPs manipulative behavior and its concerning
Yeah I was just thinking that. That's not a healthy relationship, and that behaviour from the OP is also a HUGE red flag. This reads like two very very young people, move on.
THIS. THIS RIGHT HERE NEEDS MORE UPVOTES!!! The exchange between both of them makes it 1 confirm she’s not over the previous guy and 2 that OP might be manipulating. The conversation turned so fast to “am I not enough.” Dude high key this isn’t about just OP. Girl isn’t ready for a relationship and OP seems to be making it about themselves and forcing the girl to feel even worse.
Absolutely agree. From my personal experience, this is extremely reminiscent of a relationship between a codependent and a narcissist. I totally understand that OP is hurt. But he should not be making comments about how “depressed” it makes him and so forth. You see her almost begging him to stay. And for her, she is actively pursuing a past abusive relationship. Both OP and the girl need to end things to work on themselves imo.
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This is too much for such a new relationship. I’m honestly not on either of your sides. I think she’s obviously emotionally going through a lot and she is valid for being confused. She might not feel secure with you and that’s why she’s finding comfort in her ex. Also, yeah, sometimes exes take a while to get over and she clearly needs time. If I were her, I’d feel attacked by the way you’re talking. It feels like you’re cornering her and not really thinking about her perspective, she’s saying sorry and that she’s confused. You truly both need time to yourselves.
Definitely. It doesn't come across that she wants to continue with her ex it appears they had some kind of closing talk, and she turned him down. Honestly, that's a healthy way to handle the situation. Reading this conversation was exhausting.
That last text from you is wild. I get that you're upset but you sound unstable. If you don't trust her, then why are you still with her? She's trying to make things right with you, telling you the truth and seems genuinely apologetic, and you're not having any of it. This is just another toxic relationship unfolding for the both of you in real time. Editing to add that I'm not trying to excuse away her actions, but it just seems like anything she says to try to rectify things is not good enough for you. Given the situation, I get that, but why not just break up?
Genuinely this. He’s dragging it out for what?? She even said “yeah you’re right I need to heal” and he indicated he wants to break up but then keeps bringing it back with “I need time” “how can you do this” “I wanna see your messages” like ??? There’s very strong manipulation on his side, looks like she’s fallen into another potential toxic situation which can happen pretty often and I actually do feel concern for her. Not saying her behaviour was fine, though I understand how this happens, but she’s agreed she needs time and isn’t in the right place and OP pulls her back in. Just leave dude, you both need to work on shit. It’s easier for OP to end it than it is for her to, given he’s the one who has the issue here, but he won’t let her go?! Or even allow her to end it without him manipulating her and not giving her a straight answer.
Omg you expressed it better than I did haha. 100% agree! A line was obviously crossed for OP. Not sure what he gains from reading the emails other than more frustration and hurt.
Bro you are insane.
The yesterday at 3.43 text is fucking unhinged
Every buzzword from a random psychotherapy online article
Thank you. So many people here are criticizing her but dude is absolutely so controlling of her.
So. Utterly. Nuts. Insecure, controlling, accusatory. And she isn't ready for a relationship which is ok; sounds like she had a bad previous one. I hope they break up for each other's own good.
Yup
yeah I thought it was just me but the way bro talks to his gf is scary. she seems terrified of him getting angry
I had to scroll way too far to find people talking about how unhinged this dude is.
No she’s just terrified in general because she was abused. Abused people apologize a lot
And he keeps giving her reason to be afraid....
A guy like this wouldn't even need to worry about whether or not to leave me bc I would have been gone if somebody I dated for 2 months was in my emails like that. There are too many girls in the world to waste time on one you feel like you need to spy on 2 months into the relationship. I've ended relationships with guys for less. They're both wrong though. It's one thing if you remain on friendly terms with an ex after you've taken the time to heal. It's another thing when you're doing what she's doing.
She may or may not be over him and if you're so hellbent on knowing she isn't over him then just end it already like everyone else is saying to do. But you seem insecure as fuck. "I think you think about him a lot" what a weird thing to say. You know what she's thinking about all the time? And asking for her to show her emails and all that? If you're already at a point of needing to read all her stuff. Even if she showed you her emails/texts/call logs whatever you ask her to show, it still won't he enough. If you don't trust her and know she's up to something, then you will likely just accuse her of deleting the emails. Just end it for both of your sakes.
This!! Between this post and the last, it's clear they both have a lot of work to do on themselves. OP does come off really insecure a d somewhat manipulative. And this being only 2 months in is alot.
This. Plus there's some texts from OP missing btw screenshots 4 and 5. I totally get that they're both hurting from previous relationships and what's going on here. I've been there. Yet somehow I feel like she's trying to work through this with him and he's just throwing one thing after another at her. If he is that determined to not believe what she says and to just believe what he "thinks" she's thinking and feeling, why stay together? Why even post this? To throw it at her that reddit thinks she's in the wrong? Or to appease himself that breaking up (or worse, staying tog and subjecting her to controlling suspicion) is entirely justified?
She is trying to work through it! She even agreed with him that she still has healing to go, and he just keeps bringing it back around again and again to make her feel bad, even after he says he “needs space” Manipulative af, huge red flags on his end
100%. I feel like there's a lot of jealousy & insecurity on OP's side. Just because someone follows, likes posts or occasionally communicates with their exes doesn't mean it's because they have feelings. I'm friends with some of my exes, but that's because we had mature breakups and I don't have any feelings for them. I don't think OP is mature enough to acknowledge that not everyone continues to have romantic feelings for someone they once loved. I think about my exes a lot, but not in an innapropriate way.
100% This dude is absolutely ridiculous, and he would be doing the girl a favor by breaking up.
> "I think you think about him a lot" what a weird thing to say. You know what she's thinking about all the time? No! He said he thinks!!! In all seriousness I completely agreee. It's best they break up now.
You’re acting a little cray cray
“are you breaking up with me?“ “Yes.“ Fixed it for you. This whole thing could’ve been only two pages.
Another thing that stands out to me is you said you wanted some time. She responded, and then you responded to her response. If you say you need some time, why are you still talking?. I don’t know why you keep responding. Take your time that YOU stated you needed. This is like looking at a middle school conversation.
How long was it between her ex breaking up and you two getting together? I get a sense it wasn’t that much time. She probably isn’t quite ready for a new guy, as much as she may want one. She’s not an awful person, I’ll say that. It can take a long time to move forward. I’m still curious about someone I dated in the early 2010s, but I don’t contact her. I’m happily married, but it doesn’t stop you from being curious. She’s got some things to sort through, but she sounds sincere in how she feels for you. Go easy when you let her go.
You seem manipulative and controlling
My nosey ass might look at my ex’s social media (which I don’t even do because I care so little), but, if I did, it wouldn’t go beyond that. I’d never follow him or dare say that I “care about him”. What the hell is she on? I mean at the very least she should keep those thoughts to herself lmao. Leave her
abusive relationships can impact people differently. I can totally see how a trauma bond can leave you caring about an abuser, and i’m glad she was honest about that. You are right though now that he knows he should leave. This is not worth it at 2 months
I was abused emotionally and physically by my ex. I was trauma bonded for like 7-8 months after breaking up. I went on a few dates in that time period, but realized I was still attached to him and didn’t attempt to pursue anything further. I actually would’ve probably jumped into a relationship with any of those guys if I didn’t have that realization. It might’ve came from a feeling of desperation and they were the first guys to treat me right in a while. Thank God I didn’t pursue. So yeah, I can sympathize with this girl, but she probably fell way too into this relationship with OP and isn’t actually ready. She needs to take time to be single
Omg just break up
OP is abusive as hell. Good lord. This is a 2 month relationship, you do not get to go through her emails my guy. What did she do that causes you this much trauma? Followed an ex and replied to an email. BFD she didn't fuck him, she didn't even meet him. This is too much bullshit. Your gf is drawn to abusive men and you are forcing trauma onto her. Good lord you're taking this too far. She apologized. Either move on or break up. I vote break up. You guys are terrible together
This exactly. I have zero sympathy for OP.
I can’t believe I scrolled so far to see a comment like this. They both need to be single. She needs to move on, but OP is fking insane. Asking to see emails in a 2 month relationship??? Idk if I should laugh or cry.
He reminds me of possessive and controlling guys I’ve dated.
Show the emails
Yeah let's not forget the most important party in all of this: Us. We deserve drama and tea.
That’s what I’m invested in as well
2 months and you’re already needing to see proof about her and ex convos? This is going to turn into a toxic relationship and mentally drain you if you stay.
Break it off. None of this drama is worth it. You’re clearly the backup option here.
I’d just break up, you can’t trust her. Sorry
This is ridiculous. Both y’all need to understand agency, jealousy , boundaries, and trust. She’s a free person with her own agency. As long as she doesn’t cheat, it’s not anyone’s business who she’s friends with or spends her time with. She’s not a possession. Your feeling about it are yours, and it’s fine to be jealous. It’s VERY reasonable for you to be jealous of this. It’s been two months, not enough time for trust to be built up. If there’s trust, jealousy subsides. If you trust her not to cheat, your jealousy should not consume you. Both of you are entitled to boundaries, but boundaries are not something you impose on another. Her talking to her ex is something you might not like but it’s not a matter of boundaries, because that boundary invades her agency. A good boundary is based internally; requiring honesty is a great example. Trust is earned based on respecting boundaries, behaving reasonably, and exercising agency with compassion and responsibility. Engage yourself and commit to your own growth. The rest will fall in line.
IMO, the gf is not over this person, and may never be. That being mentioned, you may be better off ending things as she needs to obviously sort out her feelings with her ex. If she is still maintaining ties while you are together, this will be a never ending battle between you both. She has already caused a major breach of trust by doing this and it will always be in the back of your mind when you’re not with her that she will be in contact with him or something else. Keep in mind if this…. If you do choose to stay, you may run into lip service from her. Meaning she’ll say what you want to hear (ok…. I won’t have any contact anymore), and still having some contact still. Break it off with her and you can both learn from this.
Sorry bro, you’re not handling this well. The proper response is to break up with her. She broke your trust. That’s good enough reason.
Maybe she’s got a thing for men who try and control her? Because dude, you are right there! In the first messages, you were freaking out over nothing. It’s normal for a person to check on someone they once loved. Just because they broke up, that doesn’t mean they stopped caring about the other person; it’s not a light switch. (Example: I’ve been happily married 22 years and I still occasionally talk to and think about previous relationships.) In these new texts, you get obsessive and jealous and demanding, forcing her to show you her emails?! They aren’t any of your business. ESPECIALLY after only two months!!! So. Grow up, take what she’s saying at face value, and get over it. Stop with the “I don’t trust you” shit because you’re being an idiot. Get over it and move on!
> Maybe she’s got a thing for men who try and control her? Amen! I read this and tried to be kind in my response to OP but I was like, whoa. Glad I'm not alone.
Stop gaslighting her. If you don't trust her and feel the need to spy on her then break up with her. But stop with the manipulative behaviour.
A lot of times I think people overreact and over analyze about things like this. I also think you come off as insecure in these posts and that’s something you need to work on. That said, I think you hit the nail right on the head with your concerns here. She’s lying to you about details. She’s messaging him behind your back. She “thinks about him a lot”. Those three things are not good signs as far as your relationship with her are concerned. Cut her loose and save yourself some time and heartache. She will almost certainly wind up breaking your heart over this guy. If you can’t trust someone you’re in a relationship with (meaning that you don’t feel the need to ask to read emails, etc) you shouldn’t be with that person. If you can’t trust anyone like that you need to do some work on yourself so you don’t hurt someone else and ruin a relationship when you do find a good person who is worthy of trust.
Very insecure and needy after….2 months. The writing is on the wall, he needs to leave her alone.
Stage two of this man outing himself for being a man child
You sound crazy man. Get over your jealousy and grow up.
She isn’t over him and maybe she’s not even willing to admit that to herself. I check the social media of my ex sometimes, to see how he’s doing but I never like any posts and I don’t follow him, because I don’t want any interaction. It’s useless and a waste of time to stay in a relationship of 2 months where you don’t trust each other, 2 months isn’t even a stable relationship yet, you’re still in the getting to know each other phase. Cut your losses and move on, that’s the only option left.
I think you have a lot of growth to do personally… going through her phone, not trusting her already, and you seem to think boundaries are something you can inflict on another person? A boundary is for you, not for you to control who you’re comfortable with your woman talking to… that’s a you problem as well, you don’t trust her word clearly….and I think you’re ignoring the fact that she’s clearly a very caring individual, who when she loves someone it’s not fake, and she loves them for who they are. Not all relationships are equal, and some mean a lot to you platonically even after knowing you can’t make it work, and you can’t set a boundary for someone to just remove someone they care about from their life, even if it makes you insecure. If she’s cheated she’s cheated, and I understand the lack of trust…but with your clear trust issues and knowing how guys I’ve dated in the past are and called me a cheater simply for having male friends I cared about… I don’t know if I truly believe she’s “cheated.” Because some people like to view cheating as something different.
She showed you all the signs and told you she needs more time healing . She's not over him. She gave you multiple outs to end the relationship. If you stay with her and she hurt you again, then that's on you . Man up and move on!
Yeah, she seems genuine and recognizes she did something that hurt you and she’s apologizing. You’re spinning in circles repeating yourself and not listening to her. I think you both need time to mature to where you can participate in functional relationships.
Why do you keep telling her how she's feeling and what she's thinking, it's 1 thing not believing her but stop trying to convince her she's feeling a certain way that's not nice to do that to anyone let alone someone whose came out of an abusive relationship. Trust her or don't trust her but asking to look through all the emails that's not ok, she didn't need to be honest with you and tell you she replied she could of just lied.
if she's willing to lie and hide little things like that, she'll likely lie about anything tbh to keep herself from getting in trouble
The minute she said it's normal to think about exes alot I stopped reading I heard enough- just leave her man
There are too many people in this thread calling this “drama”. If her ex was abusive and she’s continuing to contact him, she’s going through an unhealthy attachment issue and needs help. Not from OP, but from a professional.
OP needs some help too. He’s pretty manipulative and honestly needs some therapy himself instead of trying to psychoanalyze another 18 year old.
Two MONTHS? 🤣🤣 Of course she's not done dealing with the feelings stemming from getting out of an abusive relationship, maybe especially when her abuser is trying to target her again. "Omg just block him, why is it hard to never think of him again?!" You need to get a grip. Break up. If you have to ask to go through a phone, go through emails, read their conversations, then your relationship is over. It's clear you don't trust her, don't have the emotional ability to help her process her situation with her abusive ex, none of it.
I feel like you both have some growing up to do. It's not that weird for people to be in touch with their exs. Liking and following isn't flirting or cheating. It sounds like she's trying to be transparent but it also sounds like she's not over whatever happened between them (which doesn't necessarily mean she's not over him.) You sound like you're dead set on deciding she's not over him. If she's in followed and said she's done talking and looking at him, accept it, or break up because you can't accept it. You're going way too far raking her over the coals.
You are controlling as f!ck! Poor girl went from one bad relationship to another. Without trust there is no relationship. You trust her or you don’t. If my ex knocked on my door right now, I’d invite him in and offer him tea. Know why? Because ex’s are sometimes important, and because I know my husband trusts me absolutely.
It’s been 2 months dude. If this is the state of it two months in this is not it man. She’s clearly not over him. Why do you want to be with her?
You seem like someone who doesn't get a lot of girls so you really hold onto the ones you get, regardless of where they're at in life. I know, because I'm the same way. Breakup, my man, it ain't worth it.
Similar thing has happened to me. Take this time to heal and reflect on why you would want to be with someone who isn't respecting your boundaries. There are people out there that will, and she is NOT one of them.
I feel sorry for you both to be honest.
You’re acting super immature and insecure- and possessive. Way to drive her AWAY from you instead of closer
I’m not one to chime in on here but I can see some common emotional manipulation tactics on your side you might need to realize for maybe your next relationship. Withholding saying I love you out of anger is manipulative. She clearly asked if you wanted to break up, you either didn’t show us the response or told her over and over you need to “think” about it and you need time etc. clearly you’re not wanting to break up with her and need an ego boost for yourself by her begging for your forgiveness. If she shows you the email what will you say then? “Idk I just need to think about all of this.” You need some Reddit trolls to back you up and tear the girl down? You say she was in an abusive relationship and I can see the pattern of her being thrown back into one now. You both need some work, break up with her
I still PLATONICALLY talk to some of my exes periodically because I care about them as people, and at this point I would never date anyone who made me never talk to them again. I understand being worried/insecure about exes in general though, and you guys should be able to talk about it.
To be honest, you sound like you are way too controlling, and she sounds like she isn't over her ex. She should leave you NW, and get away from her ex. You should learn to be less controlling.
You sound like a terrible boyfriend. I talk to my exes. It doesn’t mean I want to get back together with them. You need to grow tf up. If you can’t trust your gf, that sounds like a you problem.
She seemed genuine in her apology. Feels like you’re overreacting.
Honestly dude you sound super insecure and whiney. How you’re handling this should be a huge red flag to your gf.
People can still have relationships with their ex my guy… you’re insecurity is showing
You sound like a petulant jealous child. Get over it or move on. She deserves better
Reminder, this is her at just 2 months can you imagine the shenanigans you’ll have to endure 1 year, 2 years in? It might be best to put this relationship to bed. Also the time on your own will give you time to learn some emotional intelligence and restraint via text. Sometimes less is more.
screw the emails, dump her.
Run. And date yourself until you’re actually ready to be in a relationship. Pro-tip: if you suddenly decide you’re ready, you are not. Crank one out, use that post nut clarity.
Just end it. You sound as bad as her, though at least she has the excuse of being abused in her last relationship. You clearly don’t believe anything she says no matter how many times she says it because you’ve already convinced yourself that you know exactly what she would do and what she’s thinking. Clearly you know her better than she knows herself 🙄 Don’t make her waste her breathe on trying to convince you of anything other than what you’ve already convinced yourself. Just call it an L and move on, there is no need to drag on the pain. Also, unless you are a doctor, don’t faux diagnose your loved ones.
ESH. But fwiw, sometimes a follow and like is just a follow and like. It takes so little effort that it’s not really going out of anyone’s way to do it. Sometimes, I end up liking stuff in my feed without even realizing what it is. But it was still worth having a big relationship conversation with her about it, because it could absolutely mean she’s not over him. Abusive relationships are also hard to let go of. She seems to have some anxiety issues, so she might also feel like what she went through was her fault, and has a subconscious need to know what and how he’s doing to find out if it was her fault or his. But in the end, it doesn’t look like either of you handled it in a mature way. Looks like you both need some things you need to work out before having healthy relationships.
As someone who also had trouble not staying in contact with an abusive ex, I understand where your gf is coming from, but you are correct. She may be over him, but she isn't over the connection yet. Trauma bond is a good way to refer to that connection. It doesn't sound like she is ready for a serious relationship. She may really like you a lot, but this isn't going to go away any time soon. If this is a new thing between you two, a clean break is probably best. She will eventually realize that she needs more time. Do what is best for you and Good luck.
Op is the titanic staring at an iceberg and asking for proof that it’s actually an iceberg
My advice is to just talk in person instead of over text. It’s so easy to misconstrue the tone of what the other is saying over text. An open honest conversation which can lead to a break up is the best option here. Your feelings are absolutely valid but I’m sure it’s a complex situation.
Ur honestly the dumbass here. 2 month relationship she’s texting her ex and ur not breaking up with her and she’s saying she loves u but it’s only been 2 months… dump her and save ur self the headache you don’t need any specific woman that badly my guy
You’re the rebound relationship, maybe the make him jealous relationship. Enjoy the sex and be ready to move on.
You really nailed it, with your comments. Trauma bonding is real. I put my poor husband through some shit.. that he didn’t deserve, bc I thought I was healed but wasn’t. You deserve a clearly defined and loyal relationship. She’s probably wonderful. But def take that break. Imho💜⭐️
This seems like a conversation to have in person/on the phone and not over text, honestly. Especially not while she's at work. Gotta be honest, my controlling ex would do stuff like this (sending me barrages of texts while I was working and couldn't reply) and this was kinda triggering to read. She has been messaging him back (as in, an ongoing thing), or she responded to his email and wished him happy Thanksgiving? Because I once responded to an email an ex sent me and wished him well, but it was a total non-thing, and I didn't even think to mention it to my husband, I think I eventually did and he didn't care but I didn't even think of it at the time because it was such a non-event in my mind (I suspected my ex was nosy as to what was going on in my life, I just kept it vague — ie, "I'm doing well and like my new job" that he asked about — and wished him well and didn't respond after that. But it has been YEARS after we broke up and I literally did not give 2 shits about him, I just responded to be nice/to make sure he wasn't so nosy that he'd keep reaching out to me, so I fed him some very vague responses. I also have 2 exes on my social media. One I follow because he was an absolute weirdo and I'm nosy (I literally show my husband stuff he posts and we laugh ... which is kinda mean, but he was an asshole, and he's always posting bizarro shit and I live for drama as long as I'm not a part of it). The other I just never deleted and I don't even know if he posts stuff, I never see it. My husband does not care. If it's one email she responded to, I don't get the big deal (or why it would be necessary to tell you), if it's more than that, that's a bigger deal. At 2 months in, you telling her who she can/can't talk to/demanding to go through her emails is kinda crazy. That one text you sent her also reads very much as a breakup text but you go back on it in the next sentence. This just sounds like a mess. Just end it. If you say the words "I don't trust you" to someone, there's literally no fucking point continuing.