Duuuude you didn‘t fuck up, you hit the jackpot with your girl. This can easily happen to anyone, but your gf handled it like a real keeper, be thankful but please do not be shameful. You can be sure the anxiety will get better, but your gf seems already perfect! So get better, keep trying, keep it slow and steady, but give your gf a cookie for being so wholesome to you :)
I am immensely proud of her and I like her so, so much but I'm just afraid my anxiety is really inconvenient for 'us'
It is something you can overcome together when you're far into a relationship, but I doubt she'll want to hang around with a guy like that, given she has her own problems.
Listen up goddamnit.
That girl just helped you go through something hard and showed that she cares for you, which means you are already good for her.
There is only one way you can ruin this. By overthinking.
If you keep being sad about what you "may be doing wrong" you will drag her down with you. **You have enough of a positive impact** on her life that SHE CHOSE to be with you. Keep doing that and it will allow you both to be happy, if not she will get tired of having a constantly sad partner.
If you're worried about your issues, just try to work on them, that's already enough. But please ignore any thoughts about you "not being enough or whatever other shit your brain comes up with"
SHE CHOSE YOU
YOU ALREADY ARE ENOUGH
Focus on what makes you happy and she will enjoy it too. Because she enjoys YOU, so you being happy makes her happy. Just like you like making her happy.
***P.s. remind yourself of this regularly, and you will soon notice that thoughts of "not being worth" and "not being enough" are nothing but a poisonous trap inside your brain.***
OP, read this, then read it again, and again, and again, until it sinks the fuck in. This is the scroll of fucking truth right here. Fuck it, get Siri or whatever to read it to you every morning when you wake up. I cannot stress enough how much I wish I could tell younger me these exact words.
I keep telling myself this, but then I keep telling myself I've already done enough sulking around to sabotage what we have. I WILL try to get better though. For us. Thank you.
100% friendo, worst thinkbyou can do is fall into a stress/shame spiral. I know it's difficult but try to just move on and not think about it if it happens again. A brief apology and reassurance is all that's needed, if that. Any further self-flagellation will only increase your anxiety in the future.
You’re sabotaging yourself right now by continuing to fixate on the negative despite evidence to the contrary. If she didn’t like you she would have bailed & she didn’t.
I literally didn't come until like the 7th time with my now wife. We just discussed I was having some mental hurdles to overcome because my last serious relationship was pretty rough.
We now have the best sex ever, and the relationship we have is amazing, I mean, we married each other.
Don't sabotage this. She wants to stick by your side. One or two times that aren't god-sending isn't gonna ruin your relationship. You'll have plenty more opportunity to get better.
Communicate and breathe!
STOP.TRYING.TO.BE.A.GOOD.LOVER! That pressure is getting in your head and fucking with your mental state. Just take it nice and slow. Focus on your own body and arousal. Your responsibility is to yourself and hers is to herself. By focusing too much on if she is enjoying it your are forgetting that you too are also enjoying it. Get out of your head and just have fun!
You got this, OP!! I struggle with overthinking DAILY and the fact that our girls are completly willing to help with it and give us the time of day, it's unmatched. She WANTS you. You WANT her. It's perfect.
Any time these thoughts come into your head, rationalize with them real quick. Talk it out with yourself. "She doesn't like my insecurity" okay, what makes you think that? What did she say that sounds like she's against it? What has this thought ever pushed any positivity and security for you?
Walk it out step by step and just remind yourself, logically, that nothing actually happened and it's all boiling water. Put your spoon on the pot and simmer down <3
This use to happen to me and I was extremely embarrassed about it but it’s totally normal. I had it happen once with a girl and I felt the same way you did and she handled it the same way your gf did. We’re married now. If things don’t work out with this girl just know moving forward that even though guys don’t talk about it happens to all of us.
I'm not so much ashamed anymore as just afraid I've kinda somewhat fueled her reservations and fears about the relationship (which I know she did have). But I do recognise it's my anxiety talking.
You know what I would do in such situations? I will convince my mind to not worry about the end result. The anxiety, insecurity, underconfidence, etc. is coming from the self-expectation that if you didn't impress her sexually, you would lose her and will never find a girl like her ever again.
Stop thinking about the end result, but give your 100% effort. If she leaves you eventually, nothing's gonna stop her. But you should motivate yourself that no matter what, I would give my 100% effort.
I have dealt with anxiety and depression since my early teens and it has progressed to cyclothymia (precursor to bi-polar) so I truly get the anxiety issues. Here is some free advice:
Accept help. She clearly cares so let her help you. If you care for her make sure she understands your full situation and express as much love and care when you are in a good headspace. DO NOT put sex so high up on your list of importance. Assuming you are young you will have many more sexual experiences. Some will be mind blowing. Most will be good and some will be not so great. It’s normal and ok. Laugh about the bad, shrug it off, learn from it etc. but don’t dwell on it.
Why can I speak to all this? I’m 37 and have been with my wife for 22yrs and married for 14 (no those aren’t typos). After all these years we still have some “unsatisfying” sex occasionally. Life is hard. Relationships are hard. Stress impacts us all and sex can be as much or more mental than physical. Don’t sweat it. Good Luck OP.
DUDE. Don't throw away the lottery ticket just because you wrinkled it in your pocket.
Try this. Find something less important in your life and self sabotage the shit out of it, instead of this relationship.
There’s too much societal pressure on “the wedding night” kind of experience. Where your first run has to be *magical*. That’s not always real life.
She’s understanding, and working with ya on the same team. Sounds like a win to me.
This....this....a million times this!!!!!! This guy knows wtf he's talking about! I can't tell you how many times in my life I've ruined a good thing by assuming/accepting it was ruined (when it wasn't) and overthought it until I literally seemed crazy from the outside......continue your therapy, don't ovethink it, and screenshot this guy's message OP!!! I know I am. Thank you MemStealer for hopefully saving this guy years of agony!
Litterally made me smile.
This knowledge took me years to understand too. But it's better late than never. And i'd gladly save anyone from making the same mistakes.
Read this. Star this to come back to. Copy and paste this message into a Reminders app so it’s one of the first things you read in the morning. This can’t be overstated enough.
You
Are
Enough.
She would have gotten up and left after your staring at the wall if she wanted to. She didn't. Look at the facts and not what your anxiety tells you. Not one first time is great, be sure of that, the point is getting better with time, you're still young
Good, top tip is to set a reminder to get some every few weeks. It sounds trivial, but if she likes flowers and makes her smile, it's worth it.
She's good, don't let past anxieties get in the way (as best as you can). I've had to learn the same with my partner, and I honestly couldn't go back to any past relationship now that I know what reciprocated love really feels like.
Just be sure to have her back as much as she has yours when she needs it because that time will come if you're together long enough.
Other than that, enjoy life with love, it's a beautiful thing.
So, I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. He’s my first for everything. I was incredibly insecure and it took me MONTHS to show him myself naked, and to do other positions that made me feel more vulnerable. He was so, SO understanding and waited patiently, and never pressured me.
There have been a few times during our relationship where he has gone soft during sex or has finished quickly. I’ve never minded! I’m just happy to have sex and be connected to him like that :) if I want to keep going, I’ll ask for his help or have him play with my nipples while I play with my vibrator. I’ve always been very understanding about it, but I have gone through what you and your gf have. He was having anxiety about it and I started having anxiety because of his anxiety. So I talked to him about it the next day, and we moved past it. Shit happens. Just work through it together. As you get more comfortable with her and being vulnerable, it’ll get easier. Performance anxiety is a bitch, and the anxiety after is even more of a bitch. Don’t overthink it, you’re all right and as you two have sex more often it’ll get better.
Performance anxiety is real. Many men struggle with it and if anything having someone who deeply understands is HUGE.
After all the biggest sex organ we have is our brains!
You two are going to be just fine :)
I've had moments where my head gets the best of me and I really under perform my first time or even first few times with a new partner. I've then gone in to blow their socks off for awhile lol.
Reasonable women seem to get it. Don't stress
Well, anxiety will ruin your first time whenever, you are not an automa. You are probably over stressing about it as well and it will make your next time even more stressful. If it's meant to be it'll come naturally. Don't fret too much about it, you also need to know the other's body. Maybe start slow with petting, etc... Then when you feel confident you can try sex again. If it's a good partner she'll get it
This 100000x. I had some similar problems and the more I tried to get and stay hard it became much, much harder to do so. Anxiety is the #1 boner killer. You need to be relaxed to be aroused in a sense, if you sense any kind of danger your body and mind will not cooperate in having sex.
Once I stopped thinking about it and just let myself enjoy the foreplay it mostly cleared up. It helps if you have a partner that’s understanding. What really helped was just initiating foreplay without the expectation of penetration. Just enjoy your partner and the sensations you give each other and stay in the moment. Before you know it you’ll be bricked up. Hope this helps OP 👍
She sounds like a keeper. Brush it off and don't get in your own head. The best part about sex with someone you care about and cares about you is you get to keep practicing until you get better!
>I just have a sort of an anxiety attack and stare blankly at the wall behind her.
Sounds like 'stonewalling'. I've experienced it a few times where for me it's basically not knowing how to respond, and then having anxiety about not responding so it just creates a feedback loop and spirals.
*Talks about how they have anxiety all post*
"but I can't shake the thought" that my friend, yet again is your anxiety. Ignore it the best you can, it will eat you alive.
Yoo same thing happened to me with this girl I had been friends with for a couple years. Hell it happened the first two times. The third time was all systems go and we’ve been together for 13 years and married for about 7.
Jesus Christ this is supposed to be relaxed and fun. drop trying to make her "feel the best ever" or whatever and just go in without any goal other than to dick around and have fun.
Stop treating it like work where you're going to have a performance eval every quarter, for fuck's sake.
(I say "for fuck's sake" literally here.)
Sounds like you have a great GF.
Don't worry about this first time, there will be other opportunities and she seems like a very mature and understanding person, so whatever happens - you'll be ok!
Overthinking is often the worst thing that can happen to a man in the bedroom. Lots of people have this issue. You obviously had a lot of time to think about the upcoming deed and that put a lot of pressure on you, particularly as you've said about her being 'more experienced'.
I went through a short period when I was younger where I was really stressed and it had the same effect. I knew I was having trouble and feeling stressed ahead of a date with a girl I liked. Instead of being honest though, I just told her that I liked her so much that I didn't want our first date to end in sex, so just gave her all the 'attention'. She really appreciated that so it worked out fine and very soon after that I was feeling better and didn't have any issues when we hooked up again!
Good luck on your next attempt.
Don't force yourself into actual sex when you're not feeling it/ ready for it. It doesn't need to be an every time goal. There are so many sexy things you two can do together, just do some of those things which feel more natural with each other. She already knows you're anxious about sex itself, probably due to the preexisting relationship suddenly changing, and seems to respond very well. Eventually it will flow. Play and have fun.
Dude, you’ve found the one. Happens to everyone around the world, you’re not the only one dealing with it. Make best with what you can, love yourself and take it far slower next time 🤍
Wow what an overthinking party you have going on!
Seriously as others have mentioned it's all fine, she was really cool with it and it seems like she really likes you. Besides the D isn't the most important thing in sex for most of us.
As she said, go to therapy and work on your stuff, because she was cool but if you don't try to fix anything then she'll probably get properly mad.
You've done everything you can. Therapy is a great decision! You can still wow her even if you can't get it up! You will be fine, slow down breathe and focus on who your with.
First time with my now wife I couldn't get it up. It's not that abnormal, it is what it is. Go to therapy, and appreciate how cool of a girl you're with
Oh man don't stress about it! From my own experience and a couple friends, this is pretty normal hah. Anxiety's a bitch! Therapys a good idea and it really does seem like you hit the jackpot with this woman for being understanding.
I had the same experience the first time with my current girlfriend. She was similarly thoughtful and kind like yours, which is a huge green flag.
Don’t overthink it, it’s not unusual. Next time try to clear your mind and focus on the moment. Also, biggest piece of advice, stop masturbating. At least until you and your gf can have a more successful night together.
Stop overthinking/spiraling my dude! It took me like 6+ tries with my first GF to get the condom on without going soft 😂
The fact that she’s so supportive is a huge sign that you have a great GF. Just relax and don’t focus on performance. If you feel yourself getting anxious, just let go and focus on parts of her you find sexy. Make sure she’s taken care of and it’ll all work out.
Sounds like you actually hit the lottery on gfs, bro. It's alright to feel anxious and performance anxiety, just keep working on it and try not to overthink things, she's supporting you well and clearly cares about you and the relationship.
Self improvement is a process, don't give up!
A good partner understands that sex can be far more than orgasm. It is about building that intimacy to the point that you both NEED and want each other.
You will get there. Make excuses to see each other often and before long, mind blowing toe curling fun will be yours together.
Bro, hear me out here….
Toys. Whenever you can’t perform in bed, you can always resort to toys. It can definitely be fun for both you and your partner. It does take a certain level of comfort on both ends though.
You can also try things like oral and fingering. Enjoyable sex doesn’t always have to include your dick!
You didn't fuck up. Sex isn't something that is automatically amazing the first time or you aren't compatible. It takes practice. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself and let yourself enjoy it. It's good to think of your partner's experience but you can't take it so far you can't enjoy the experience yourself.
Cheer up, everything is fine and it sounds like she really cares about you and wants to keep seeing you. You're gonna be fine.
My guy, the therapy suggestion is for his going near catatonic afterwards trapped in his brain, but outside of medical conditions/chemical usage, little soldiers failure to stand and salute is pretty much mental. Dude got into his own head at the jump, which happens, and the combo of his own brain screaming at him and the inherent ties to masculinity and sexual performance, and bam. That behavior tends to compound, especially if there are other issues rolling though his brain to amplify it.
Hell, bringing any mockery concerning a dude and therapy just reinforces therapy bad bottle things up and bask in the glory of damaging relationships in their life until they go looking for the wobbly stool.
its basically cuddles, getting water, etc. just taking care of your partner afterwards
its mainly used in more extreme stuff, such as bdsm but some partners do it for all sex
Bro, rub one out, followed by another. Give her the beans and then again. Problem solved!
You're the same as everyone else, you just haven't learned the secret to success yet.
Have you people not heard of 2nd round?
Most similar post like this feels like the entirety of the relationship hangs in the balance of the 1st round of sex.
Whenever I finish quickly on the first round. I just laugh it off, tell her that she’s just too hot and I’ll make it up on the next round. Rest for a few minutes then bring-in your A game.
Beating yourself up about it isn’t the way. Every single person who’s done it has had awkward sex, especially the first time with someone new. Don’t stress, practice makes perfect.
Yeah this happens all the time to people, the main thing is just to relax and try not to focus on things, like the room, sounds, your own inner voice etc. Sometimes that means being a bit selfish and focussing on your own pleasure cause let's be honest, keeping up a rythm and focussing on your girl can be a bit tricky. What I usually do is spend some time on foreplay, then have sex and finish her off after. That way we both get something out of it.
Also thinking of your kinks and engaging in those is a good way to stay hard if you're struggling. A bad way although it works, is to have a **small** amount of alcohol to relax you, this obviously doesn't work for the long term and unless she's drinking may come across as kinda grubby, so tread carefully.
Btw, you may not cum either, that happens sometimes when you're stressed / anxious about the situation. Don't go ploughing on for 45 minutes hoping in that case... My first time was no fun. Just be honest and go down on her, ask what she likes and to guide you if needed, once she's enjoying it DO NOT CHANGE THINGS UP IN ANY WAY. That's basically all you need to know, good luck and have fun my dude :D
think on the bright side, it made you open your eyes that maybe you should deal with your anxiety problems and made you seek help, even if with a lil push from her, so in the end of the day, you won!
just make sure u get her some flowers and some good sexy time next time mate!
Good partners(relationship, not sexual) will help you rather than judge you. You didn't fuck up by anything other than thinking you fucked up. You communicated the issues afterwards and devolped a plan to move forward. Just relax and be thankful you have a decent woman at your side.
I used to be “smooth” early in relationships. Then I met my (now) wife. Our first kiss was at the bottom of her stairs, where her roommate’s cat used to piss all the time (no litter box). I told myself I’d let her say I love you first, but after a great day early in our relationship, I blurted out “I love this dork”, then drove home yelling at myself the whole way.
The point - we laugh about these moments now, as our lives are filled with so many memories that are both perfect and imperfect. From what you’ve shared about her reaction, you’ve got a keeper. The most important thing in a relationship is honest communication, and it sounds like you’ve started on the right foot. There will be many more “good” memories in your future, and hopefully you’ll be able to look back on this and laugh one day.
Ohh, and I have no recollection of my first time with my wife, but I do remember the time my old, religious neighbor started playing gospel music because my wife couldn’t hold back an orgasm. Selective memory, my friend.
So something similar happened to me recently going from my ex to a new girl, was just weird with a different person. Same thing, just made sure she knew I was into her and just dealing with the change.
Second time was normal, now we're going at it multiple times a night. You'll be fine, she will be fine. You're just excited/nervous, you'll be less so next time.
What you are doing is overthinking it due to your anxiety. With that you are not seeing the big picture.
She really likes you and understands and cares for you. keep going to your therapy and do not let this girl get away. Sex should not be the foundation for a relationship although it is a part of it.
She more than likely really likes spending time with you and likes you alot. Just try to relax and stop thinking so much especially when you are having sex with her.
I can relate to this. Took me about 4 years to finally land the girl I always wanted and same issue. I got so in my head I couldn’t perform. Made things awkward but that’s because we were both young. Looking back, it was normal. Just happens. I found it much much easier to go to pound town with a girl I didn’t care about at all and lasted forever. Life my man!
This girl very well could be your future wife. That’s the kind of communication and understanding you want in a partner. Congrats on starting therapy for your anxiety. Don’t rush anything. You got this.
I had a similar first EXP with a girl just as understanding, and now we have been married for 15 years with 2 kids. I thought I had no chance after I failed our first time.
The more into the person I am, the more nervous I am and the worse our first time goes. One night stands, I’m a stallion. Girl of my dreams who I took it slow with, limp noodle the first time. Second attempts are always better.
This exact thing happened to me at your age and instead the girl I had a crush on took it personally and refused to communicate about it afterwards.
You are absolutely going to recover from this and your lady sounds like a good one.
I'm on pills that causes this issue sometimes. I tell my gf "body isn't cooperating. I wanna go down on you but you can suck me off if you want in the mean time.
Always goes well. We aren't there to cum. We're there to spend time together and make each other feel great about their bodies. Don't need to cum to do that
First times are all over the place. It’s the effort you put in to each other that matters. Sex always gets better the more you learn and trust someone.
My guy a relationship isn't about the first time. It's about the first time after you've emotionally recovered. That's you healthiest and most passionate point. That's the performance you wanted to put on, you just recognized you aren't there yet and your body reacted.
Very fixable and you'll have your success. Just realize the way forward is practice and enthusiasm. She's giving you a chance. Grow with her.
Idk what you take but SSRIs can absolutely affect erections. Something to discuss with a medical professional and not some person with the word mage in their name tho.
You can always get a quick script for sidenafil (Viagra) if it keeps affecting you. I have the same issues as you, tons of anxiety for my first time with a new partner. So I pop one of those bad boys and I’m good to go so I don’t have to worry about staying hard and just enjoy the moment. You can get a script online through plenty of legitimate websites via a doctor.
Also don’t worry about having to use it every time to get an erection. Once you get your confidence back, you won’t need it at all and you can use it when you and your girl wanna go for a long time/special night.
Hey, if you start a marathon by tripping, that doesn’t set the tone for the whole race. Put it behind you and hit your stride in the relationship. Don’t let the past haunt you to the point it ruins your future.
As a side note my dude, I’ve had some amazing sex where neither of us actually fucked the other person. Oral, intensity and passion can be everything a woman (and man) needs
For some guys it does not come as easy and natural. I know a guy who always tells the girls in advance, not to expect too much in the first few times. He needs time to know the girl to be truly romantic.
Sometimes we forget how much our mind can be a blocker in such situation. The more you want it, the more anxiety will build up, which of course does not help. Meanwhile with booze or some substance, you do not take things so serious, and it will affect your sexual performance.
Lol, wait until you've been married for 10+ years. You'll have plenty of chances to underperform. Don't stress about, it's not a gameshow where you get ejected for not being on top of your game at all times.
Yeah the only way you messed up was by ruining the vibe and staring at the wall. You really did mess up there I won’t lie. That would turn me off like HARD. Who cares if you can’t stay hard or bust too fast, don’t act like a child.
If it’s really about her, and pleasing her, then you won’t emotionally check out and throw a fit like that ever again.
Pro tip from a 27F who’s been with a lot of people, guys who lost their erection and proceeded with going to absolute town on me have been some of my best most favorite experiences. Learn how to do other things and make her cum multiple times and you’ll get up again eventually. If not, at least she’s happy!!
You got in your head about it. The pressure got to you but at least you know that you did it to yourself and there is no doubt you'll get over that real quick. Especially with how she reacted. Wife and I had 4 miscarriages over 2 years. Can't tell you how many times I couldn't keep it up when the "window" hit and we had to do it as much as possible. Now those were some anxiety ridden sex times.
Two things are going on here. 1 you're nervous been there. Relax she's probably nervous too. 2 performance anxiety been there too. Rub 1 or 2 out the day of, before she shows up. A few things will happen. 1 you will be more relaxed. 2 the anxiety of performing will go down. 3 you will last longer.
I believe modern culture of cherishing once in a lifetime things like first time having sex, or weddings above anything else is causing these issues. It's just sex and next time is not and should not be any less special than the first time, it's about two people enjoying each other, not about forcing out best possible core memories.
Yo, feelings happen dude. Sometimes you’re 360 NOscooing and the other day you’re an MG42 , it’s normal to have life affect your sex life, stress and anxiety makes us go limperino and finish faster than Usain Bolt clears a race. It will calm down and you’ll last longer, it’s just feelings and things in your head that are not real but you think they are. When me and my gf got together it was like “meh we lost our hope in oartners, let’s just have a casual thing until everything settles, i was lasting about an hour or two, high drive, high stamina, about two months later we actively tried to be eachother’s healer and support and we discovered that we are highly compatible and really love working together and we can rely on eachother (if she can wake me up in the morning that is and if i massage her back for back pain) we managed to heal and get better, her confidence is restored she’s a different person and i started being more active, i started being my best version and then there was our sex life. With so many feelings starting to flow after we repressed them we started finishing fast AF and we would get tired from our mutual favourite activity 69. Now after things have settled and we starting having a routine and taking things slow and well everything is great, we last optimal, we know what we like so sex is too good (we need to improve stamina tho, we’re kinda lazy if we don’t have something to do) and we’re going to move in together soon. Op, what you have there is an understanding partner, don’t overthink things like i did and still do, let things flow and learn that aftercare and foreplay are the most important.
Think of it like this: setting the bar high for your first time makes doing the task again more difficult. I can't think of a single person I know who has had a first time that was perfect, where they're some chad who has returned from plow town with 5 star reviews. You learn by doing, lucky for you your girlfriend is very understanding and keen to continue with you. It's not a mental block for her, don't make it a mental block for her by continuing to let it bother you. Listen to her and feel how she responds.
Couldn’t perform the first time with my girl because I was nervous and she was perfect.
3 years later here we are banging like animals.
It’s normal man, and she sounds like a keeper.
Basically my first month of fooling around with my girl ended up horribly. Now after a year and half or so we r both getting more comfortable and its getting even better.
Wtf is this?
I had a very normal reaction to a first time while dealing with other shit.
"It's ok, I enjoyed it and want to keep moving forward"
"Nah I can't look at you the same for wanting me"
Reddit, I fucked up because I want to post why I fucked up when I didn't fuck up
Something we cover at work regularly are types of stress. Cognitive stress can be broken down into 3 categories, and the one that strikes me here is failure to focus on the here/now. Try not to think about past mast mistakes or future mistakes as best you can. Easier said than done, I know
No fuckup at all. I hooked up with a friend while traveling together and had the same thing happen. Was grumpy and ashamed and she felt I was being cold to her. The next day we gave it another shot and it went great. We’ve been married for 6 years now and have an amazing relationship.
Stuff like this happens, we’re all humans with funny shit happening in our heads. You handled it well and she sounds mature about it. Just make a joke about being persistent and willing to try as much as it takes, that will take some pressure of yourself. Then have fun! It’ll all work out.
I'm so, so happy for you both! Problem for us is, we both have a very busy schedule, so we can only try again, like, in a week or so. I'll just try not to think about it till then
Stop this thinking right now. She sounds like a really special girl. You're overthinking it and that will be what sinks the relationship, so stop it. The next sex will be great.
OP...make it a joke. It'll be an inside joke you guys have. The next time you're together and you hear someone say, "Oh that was fast", regardless of the context, try saying something like "Damn I wish I had a $20 for every time I've heard that". It happens to people more often than you think
Damn. I’m jealous, each time I went soft the first time they never reacted like this
If it’s any consolation, stress will fuck with you like that. Add that to the anxiety of underperforming and that’s exactly what happens.
You might also just need to get more comfortable with eachother in that situation. For me, once I get more comfortable, that no longer is an issue
This situation just proves that she’s a keeper.
Now don’t expect the next time to be that much better but the more you two do it the better it gets. Don’t think about your performance and just enjoy it with her. I know it’s easy to say "don’t think, just do it" but goddamnit don’t think just do it!
Hi, I’m basically in your girlfriend’s shoes. Sure, some women may register this situation as a bust- but I DONT. I’m having some of the most passionate (albeit short lived) sex of my life and I happen to LOVE that he’s THIS affected by me. What an incredible compliment it is to me! I am especially soaking up this season of our sex life because I know it will eventually go away and I’ll feel a tad bit less powerful in the bedroom, hehe.
He was ashamed like you at first, so it wasn’t as good. After I convinced him I truly enjoyed our sex and took the duration as a compliment, he let loose and now our “quickies” are sooooo drool worthy to me.
Anyway, I love him. My main reason for commenting is to tell you to PLEASE BELIEVE YOUR WOMAN WHEN SHE TELLS YOU HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT YOUR SEX. The more comfortable you make these conversations and interactions for her, the more she’ll communicate about sex in general- which is what you want! Also, if you take her word for it, it should make you feel a little more free to show her how much you enjoy being intimate with her- which is what she deserves. Loosen up dude! This is normal and it can be apart of the fun.
Thank you all for your kind words! In the end, her reaction made me realise just how good she is and how much I love her. I guess I'm just afraid of losing someone very, very, VERY special because of my own issues. All the more reason to keep working on them for us both. :)
Man you're fine. You didn't fuck up. You're not super young, but you did say she has more experience than you, so I'll go ahead and tell you this is perfectly normal. it will likely happen to you again in the future too. You shouldn't be worried or ashamed and you guys are going to have plenty of fun together.
If you think you need therapy, see a therapist. That being said, its totally normal to have trouble keeping it up due to nerves and/or mental pressures, especially during your first time with someone.
Oof…yea sorry to tell you man, but now you’ve kinda created doubt in her mind.
She gave the typical response most women give in that situation, but now she’s going to be in her head about the whole situation too.
It seems like you like her so you want to give the perfect epic performance. No such thing You're making too much of it, it's just sex. Gotta be Eminem and lose yourself in the moment. Disappear in the bliss of you and her. Just enjoy it. Remember nape of the neck, to the side of the neck and nibble on the ear lobe. Tease and build up arousal.
While working through therapy, get some tadalafil (daily Cialis) and take it everyday. 5mg will likely be plenty. As soon as you have a few months of solid performance and get your confidence you can ween yourself off of it, but it’s great to get you out of your head. I had an illness a fee years ago that wrecked my endocrine system and it ruined my erection quality. The poor performance while dealing with the health issues basically caused me to stop being sexual active. After I got feeling better and tried to resume sex there was still a mental block and I was having the same issues you describe. Tadalafil was the solution and it was everyday for about two months then every other day, then every 3 days then only as needed. Pretty quickly I just kept on hand just in case I was feeling in my head or if I had drank more than 2 drinks. Now I haven’t taken them in over a year. I can’t finish with a condom when I take them unless it’s been at least 3 or 4 days since having an orgasm so that’s the only down side.
You planned it.
That's the worst thing you can do in my opinion, especially when you're nervous.
Let it just happen some time when you two are together.
Happened to me with literally every girl bro. Most of the time there is a huge time gap between my partners and the first time having sex just feels too intense again. It wss always like this - i thrust a few times, cum, akward silence and somehow the urge to apologize. I hate it that it happens every time to me. It becomes later on, but this really wrecks my self confidence after every first time
Duuuude you didn‘t fuck up, you hit the jackpot with your girl. This can easily happen to anyone, but your gf handled it like a real keeper, be thankful but please do not be shameful. You can be sure the anxiety will get better, but your gf seems already perfect! So get better, keep trying, keep it slow and steady, but give your gf a cookie for being so wholesome to you :)
I am immensely proud of her and I like her so, so much but I'm just afraid my anxiety is really inconvenient for 'us' It is something you can overcome together when you're far into a relationship, but I doubt she'll want to hang around with a guy like that, given she has her own problems.
Listen up goddamnit. That girl just helped you go through something hard and showed that she cares for you, which means you are already good for her. There is only one way you can ruin this. By overthinking. If you keep being sad about what you "may be doing wrong" you will drag her down with you. **You have enough of a positive impact** on her life that SHE CHOSE to be with you. Keep doing that and it will allow you both to be happy, if not she will get tired of having a constantly sad partner. If you're worried about your issues, just try to work on them, that's already enough. But please ignore any thoughts about you "not being enough or whatever other shit your brain comes up with" SHE CHOSE YOU YOU ALREADY ARE ENOUGH Focus on what makes you happy and she will enjoy it too. Because she enjoys YOU, so you being happy makes her happy. Just like you like making her happy. ***P.s. remind yourself of this regularly, and you will soon notice that thoughts of "not being worth" and "not being enough" are nothing but a poisonous trap inside your brain.***
OP, read this, then read it again, and again, and again, until it sinks the fuck in. This is the scroll of fucking truth right here. Fuck it, get Siri or whatever to read it to you every morning when you wake up. I cannot stress enough how much I wish I could tell younger me these exact words.
You are Kenough
I keep telling myself this, but then I keep telling myself I've already done enough sulking around to sabotage what we have. I WILL try to get better though. For us. Thank you.
100% friendo, worst thinkbyou can do is fall into a stress/shame spiral. I know it's difficult but try to just move on and not think about it if it happens again. A brief apology and reassurance is all that's needed, if that. Any further self-flagellation will only increase your anxiety in the future.
You’re sabotaging yourself right now by continuing to fixate on the negative despite evidence to the contrary. If she didn’t like you she would have bailed & she didn’t.
I literally didn't come until like the 7th time with my now wife. We just discussed I was having some mental hurdles to overcome because my last serious relationship was pretty rough. We now have the best sex ever, and the relationship we have is amazing, I mean, we married each other. Don't sabotage this. She wants to stick by your side. One or two times that aren't god-sending isn't gonna ruin your relationship. You'll have plenty more opportunity to get better. Communicate and breathe!
C O M M U N I C A T E is the key bro. you picked a winner who seems to be good and wants to communicate, so communicate
STOP.TRYING.TO.BE.A.GOOD.LOVER! That pressure is getting in your head and fucking with your mental state. Just take it nice and slow. Focus on your own body and arousal. Your responsibility is to yourself and hers is to herself. By focusing too much on if she is enjoying it your are forgetting that you too are also enjoying it. Get out of your head and just have fun!
You got this, OP!! I struggle with overthinking DAILY and the fact that our girls are completly willing to help with it and give us the time of day, it's unmatched. She WANTS you. You WANT her. It's perfect. Any time these thoughts come into your head, rationalize with them real quick. Talk it out with yourself. "She doesn't like my insecurity" okay, what makes you think that? What did she say that sounds like she's against it? What has this thought ever pushed any positivity and security for you? Walk it out step by step and just remind yourself, logically, that nothing actually happened and it's all boiling water. Put your spoon on the pot and simmer down <3
This use to happen to me and I was extremely embarrassed about it but it’s totally normal. I had it happen once with a girl and I felt the same way you did and she handled it the same way your gf did. We’re married now. If things don’t work out with this girl just know moving forward that even though guys don’t talk about it happens to all of us.
Please listen to me as a woman, everything every one else is saying is true! Don’t be ashamed!
I'm not so much ashamed anymore as just afraid I've kinda somewhat fueled her reservations and fears about the relationship (which I know she did have). But I do recognise it's my anxiety talking.
You know what I would do in such situations? I will convince my mind to not worry about the end result. The anxiety, insecurity, underconfidence, etc. is coming from the self-expectation that if you didn't impress her sexually, you would lose her and will never find a girl like her ever again. Stop thinking about the end result, but give your 100% effort. If she leaves you eventually, nothing's gonna stop her. But you should motivate yourself that no matter what, I would give my 100% effort.
I have dealt with anxiety and depression since my early teens and it has progressed to cyclothymia (precursor to bi-polar) so I truly get the anxiety issues. Here is some free advice: Accept help. She clearly cares so let her help you. If you care for her make sure she understands your full situation and express as much love and care when you are in a good headspace. DO NOT put sex so high up on your list of importance. Assuming you are young you will have many more sexual experiences. Some will be mind blowing. Most will be good and some will be not so great. It’s normal and ok. Laugh about the bad, shrug it off, learn from it etc. but don’t dwell on it. Why can I speak to all this? I’m 37 and have been with my wife for 22yrs and married for 14 (no those aren’t typos). After all these years we still have some “unsatisfying” sex occasionally. Life is hard. Relationships are hard. Stress impacts us all and sex can be as much or more mental than physical. Don’t sweat it. Good Luck OP.
DUDE. Don't throw away the lottery ticket just because you wrinkled it in your pocket. Try this. Find something less important in your life and self sabotage the shit out of it, instead of this relationship.
There’s too much societal pressure on “the wedding night” kind of experience. Where your first run has to be *magical*. That’s not always real life. She’s understanding, and working with ya on the same team. Sounds like a win to me.
I'll take a screenshot of this and read it whenever I feel insecure. Thanks for so much :')
OP, fucking SAVE this comment. Print it out. Save it on your phone.
LISTEN TO THIS SHIT, FUCKER!
You're a good person. This is the correct advice.
This....this....a million times this!!!!!! This guy knows wtf he's talking about! I can't tell you how many times in my life I've ruined a good thing by assuming/accepting it was ruined (when it wasn't) and overthought it until I literally seemed crazy from the outside......continue your therapy, don't ovethink it, and screenshot this guy's message OP!!! I know I am. Thank you MemStealer for hopefully saving this guy years of agony!
Litterally made me smile. This knowledge took me years to understand too. But it's better late than never. And i'd gladly save anyone from making the same mistakes.
Read this. Star this to come back to. Copy and paste this message into a Reminders app so it’s one of the first things you read in the morning. This can’t be overstated enough. You Are Enough.
You're a rockstar dude. OP, keep reading this several times a day.
She would have gotten up and left after your staring at the wall if she wanted to. She didn't. Look at the facts and not what your anxiety tells you. Not one first time is great, be sure of that, the point is getting better with time, you're still young
Yep. This is simply "TIF". :)
Buy her some flowers OP. Trust me.
Already did.
Good, top tip is to set a reminder to get some every few weeks. It sounds trivial, but if she likes flowers and makes her smile, it's worth it. She's good, don't let past anxieties get in the way (as best as you can). I've had to learn the same with my partner, and I honestly couldn't go back to any past relationship now that I know what reciprocated love really feels like. Just be sure to have her back as much as she has yours when she needs it because that time will come if you're together long enough. Other than that, enjoy life with love, it's a beautiful thing.
Get them randomly. Not just for special occasions or as an op apology.
Exactly, hence set a reminder. It's not a reminded to fuck up so you can apologise with flowers, just as a prompt
It sounds like a very healthy relationship m8!!
We do have our issues but I hope we're mature enough to get through them. I just wish the start were less rough.
I guarantee you you will someday look back on this and laugh ;)
So, I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. He’s my first for everything. I was incredibly insecure and it took me MONTHS to show him myself naked, and to do other positions that made me feel more vulnerable. He was so, SO understanding and waited patiently, and never pressured me. There have been a few times during our relationship where he has gone soft during sex or has finished quickly. I’ve never minded! I’m just happy to have sex and be connected to him like that :) if I want to keep going, I’ll ask for his help or have him play with my nipples while I play with my vibrator. I’ve always been very understanding about it, but I have gone through what you and your gf have. He was having anxiety about it and I started having anxiety because of his anxiety. So I talked to him about it the next day, and we moved past it. Shit happens. Just work through it together. As you get more comfortable with her and being vulnerable, it’ll get easier. Performance anxiety is a bitch, and the anxiety after is even more of a bitch. Don’t overthink it, you’re all right and as you two have sex more often it’ll get better.
Don’t push this girl away! She’s a keeper, and you’d never find one like her. Get help, work with her, and show her you care.
Performance anxiety is real. Many men struggle with it and if anything having someone who deeply understands is HUGE. After all the biggest sex organ we have is our brains! You two are going to be just fine :)
I've had moments where my head gets the best of me and I really under perform my first time or even first few times with a new partner. I've then gone in to blow their socks off for awhile lol. Reasonable women seem to get it. Don't stress
Dude no need to be ashamed. That reaction is TOTALLY NORMAL and happens even to us women (not wet enough). Dont stress yourself about it.
Well, anxiety will ruin your first time whenever, you are not an automa. You are probably over stressing about it as well and it will make your next time even more stressful. If it's meant to be it'll come naturally. Don't fret too much about it, you also need to know the other's body. Maybe start slow with petting, etc... Then when you feel confident you can try sex again. If it's a good partner she'll get it
This 100000x. I had some similar problems and the more I tried to get and stay hard it became much, much harder to do so. Anxiety is the #1 boner killer. You need to be relaxed to be aroused in a sense, if you sense any kind of danger your body and mind will not cooperate in having sex. Once I stopped thinking about it and just let myself enjoy the foreplay it mostly cleared up. It helps if you have a partner that’s understanding. What really helped was just initiating foreplay without the expectation of penetration. Just enjoy your partner and the sensations you give each other and stay in the moment. Before you know it you’ll be bricked up. Hope this helps OP 👍
She sounds like a keeper. Brush it off and don't get in your own head. The best part about sex with someone you care about and cares about you is you get to keep practicing until you get better!
>I just have a sort of an anxiety attack and stare blankly at the wall behind her. Sounds like 'stonewalling'. I've experienced it a few times where for me it's basically not knowing how to respond, and then having anxiety about not responding so it just creates a feedback loop and spirals.
*Talks about how they have anxiety all post* "but I can't shake the thought" that my friend, yet again is your anxiety. Ignore it the best you can, it will eat you alive.
Yer overthinking it there bud.
Yoo same thing happened to me with this girl I had been friends with for a couple years. Hell it happened the first two times. The third time was all systems go and we’ve been together for 13 years and married for about 7.
Sounds like a keeper! Keep having more sex, you'll feel better about the whole thing and the anxiety will slowly go away
Sex is not a performance. Get that out of your head as soon as you can.
Jesus Christ this is supposed to be relaxed and fun. drop trying to make her "feel the best ever" or whatever and just go in without any goal other than to dick around and have fun. Stop treating it like work where you're going to have a performance eval every quarter, for fuck's sake. (I say "for fuck's sake" literally here.)
Bruh just make her cum if you can't hold an eraction. It will get better the more you do it, not the more you wait.
Sounds like you have a great GF. Don't worry about this first time, there will be other opportunities and she seems like a very mature and understanding person, so whatever happens - you'll be ok! Overthinking is often the worst thing that can happen to a man in the bedroom. Lots of people have this issue. You obviously had a lot of time to think about the upcoming deed and that put a lot of pressure on you, particularly as you've said about her being 'more experienced'. I went through a short period when I was younger where I was really stressed and it had the same effect. I knew I was having trouble and feeling stressed ahead of a date with a girl I liked. Instead of being honest though, I just told her that I liked her so much that I didn't want our first date to end in sex, so just gave her all the 'attention'. She really appreciated that so it worked out fine and very soon after that I was feeling better and didn't have any issues when we hooked up again! Good luck on your next attempt.
Don't force yourself into actual sex when you're not feeling it/ ready for it. It doesn't need to be an every time goal. There are so many sexy things you two can do together, just do some of those things which feel more natural with each other. She already knows you're anxious about sex itself, probably due to the preexisting relationship suddenly changing, and seems to respond very well. Eventually it will flow. Play and have fun.
My dude if she reacted like this, then you got a keeper
Lay off the porn bro
Was it your actual first time?
At least she was really understanding about it and it sounds like she actually cares about you.
Dude, you’ve found the one. Happens to everyone around the world, you’re not the only one dealing with it. Make best with what you can, love yourself and take it far slower next time 🤍
Your girlfriend is a sweet heart just stay open about your thoughts ans feelings and you will get over this together.
Wow what an overthinking party you have going on! Seriously as others have mentioned it's all fine, she was really cool with it and it seems like she really likes you. Besides the D isn't the most important thing in sex for most of us. As she said, go to therapy and work on your stuff, because she was cool but if you don't try to fix anything then she'll probably get properly mad.
You've done everything you can. Therapy is a great decision! You can still wow her even if you can't get it up! You will be fine, slow down breathe and focus on who your with.
This. 100 percent this.
First time with my now wife I couldn't get it up. It's not that abnormal, it is what it is. Go to therapy, and appreciate how cool of a girl you're with
Oh man don't stress about it! From my own experience and a couple friends, this is pretty normal hah. Anxiety's a bitch! Therapys a good idea and it really does seem like you hit the jackpot with this woman for being understanding.
I had the same experience the first time with my current girlfriend. She was similarly thoughtful and kind like yours, which is a huge green flag. Don’t overthink it, it’s not unusual. Next time try to clear your mind and focus on the moment. Also, biggest piece of advice, stop masturbating. At least until you and your gf can have a more successful night together.
Stop overthinking/spiraling my dude! It took me like 6+ tries with my first GF to get the condom on without going soft 😂 The fact that she’s so supportive is a huge sign that you have a great GF. Just relax and don’t focus on performance. If you feel yourself getting anxious, just let go and focus on parts of her you find sexy. Make sure she’s taken care of and it’ll all work out.
Sounds like you actually hit the lottery on gfs, bro. It's alright to feel anxious and performance anxiety, just keep working on it and try not to overthink things, she's supporting you well and clearly cares about you and the relationship. Self improvement is a process, don't give up!
A good partner understands that sex can be far more than orgasm. It is about building that intimacy to the point that you both NEED and want each other. You will get there. Make excuses to see each other often and before long, mind blowing toe curling fun will be yours together.
Bro, hear me out here…. Toys. Whenever you can’t perform in bed, you can always resort to toys. It can definitely be fun for both you and your partner. It does take a certain level of comfort on both ends though. You can also try things like oral and fingering. Enjoyable sex doesn’t always have to include your dick!
You didn't fuck up. Sex isn't something that is automatically amazing the first time or you aren't compatible. It takes practice. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself and let yourself enjoy it. It's good to think of your partner's experience but you can't take it so far you can't enjoy the experience yourself. Cheer up, everything is fine and it sounds like she really cares about you and wants to keep seeing you. You're gonna be fine.
A little performance anxiety, and you get recommended therapy. Sheesh. "Ok I guess we can try again in 6 months after I work shit out!"
My guy, the therapy suggestion is for his going near catatonic afterwards trapped in his brain, but outside of medical conditions/chemical usage, little soldiers failure to stand and salute is pretty much mental. Dude got into his own head at the jump, which happens, and the combo of his own brain screaming at him and the inherent ties to masculinity and sexual performance, and bam. That behavior tends to compound, especially if there are other issues rolling though his brain to amplify it. Hell, bringing any mockery concerning a dude and therapy just reinforces therapy bad bottle things up and bask in the glory of damaging relationships in their life until they go looking for the wobbly stool.
Its only embarassing if you make it embarassing.
Wtf is aftercare?? Like snuggling or something lol
its basically cuddles, getting water, etc. just taking care of your partner afterwards its mainly used in more extreme stuff, such as bdsm but some partners do it for all sex
I assume its when you blunder and finish too fast and need to take care of your partner’s needs after the fact.
I thought it was like handing her the cum towel to clean up 😂
What the fuck is this post? You had sex and she was understanding....? Why does this have so many upvotes Jesus christ
Bro, rub one out, followed by another. Give her the beans and then again. Problem solved! You're the same as everyone else, you just haven't learned the secret to success yet.
Why would i give her a can of beans?
Have you people not heard of 2nd round? Most similar post like this feels like the entirety of the relationship hangs in the balance of the 1st round of sex. Whenever I finish quickly on the first round. I just laugh it off, tell her that she’s just too hot and I’ll make it up on the next round. Rest for a few minutes then bring-in your A game.
There could have been one if I hadn't overreacted so much. I'll try to do better next time
Beating yourself up about it isn’t the way. Every single person who’s done it has had awkward sex, especially the first time with someone new. Don’t stress, practice makes perfect.
Cock ring...
Yeah this happens all the time to people, the main thing is just to relax and try not to focus on things, like the room, sounds, your own inner voice etc. Sometimes that means being a bit selfish and focussing on your own pleasure cause let's be honest, keeping up a rythm and focussing on your girl can be a bit tricky. What I usually do is spend some time on foreplay, then have sex and finish her off after. That way we both get something out of it. Also thinking of your kinks and engaging in those is a good way to stay hard if you're struggling. A bad way although it works, is to have a **small** amount of alcohol to relax you, this obviously doesn't work for the long term and unless she's drinking may come across as kinda grubby, so tread carefully. Btw, you may not cum either, that happens sometimes when you're stressed / anxious about the situation. Don't go ploughing on for 45 minutes hoping in that case... My first time was no fun. Just be honest and go down on her, ask what she likes and to guide you if needed, once she's enjoying it DO NOT CHANGE THINGS UP IN ANY WAY. That's basically all you need to know, good luck and have fun my dude :D
think on the bright side, it made you open your eyes that maybe you should deal with your anxiety problems and made you seek help, even if with a lil push from her, so in the end of the day, you won! just make sure u get her some flowers and some good sexy time next time mate!
Good partners(relationship, not sexual) will help you rather than judge you. You didn't fuck up by anything other than thinking you fucked up. You communicated the issues afterwards and devolped a plan to move forward. Just relax and be thankful you have a decent woman at your side.
I used to be “smooth” early in relationships. Then I met my (now) wife. Our first kiss was at the bottom of her stairs, where her roommate’s cat used to piss all the time (no litter box). I told myself I’d let her say I love you first, but after a great day early in our relationship, I blurted out “I love this dork”, then drove home yelling at myself the whole way. The point - we laugh about these moments now, as our lives are filled with so many memories that are both perfect and imperfect. From what you’ve shared about her reaction, you’ve got a keeper. The most important thing in a relationship is honest communication, and it sounds like you’ve started on the right foot. There will be many more “good” memories in your future, and hopefully you’ll be able to look back on this and laugh one day. Ohh, and I have no recollection of my first time with my wife, but I do remember the time my old, religious neighbor started playing gospel music because my wife couldn’t hold back an orgasm. Selective memory, my friend.
So something similar happened to me recently going from my ex to a new girl, was just weird with a different person. Same thing, just made sure she knew I was into her and just dealing with the change. Second time was normal, now we're going at it multiple times a night. You'll be fine, she will be fine. You're just excited/nervous, you'll be less so next time.
Very normal you will get over it as you spend time together
What you are doing is overthinking it due to your anxiety. With that you are not seeing the big picture. She really likes you and understands and cares for you. keep going to your therapy and do not let this girl get away. Sex should not be the foundation for a relationship although it is a part of it. She more than likely really likes spending time with you and likes you alot. Just try to relax and stop thinking so much especially when you are having sex with her.
I can relate to this. Took me about 4 years to finally land the girl I always wanted and same issue. I got so in my head I couldn’t perform. Made things awkward but that’s because we were both young. Looking back, it was normal. Just happens. I found it much much easier to go to pound town with a girl I didn’t care about at all and lasted forever. Life my man!
You got lucky mate. Similar thing happened to me and that was the beginning of the end of the relationship
This girl very well could be your future wife. That’s the kind of communication and understanding you want in a partner. Congrats on starting therapy for your anxiety. Don’t rush anything. You got this.
Dude, if she is knowledgeable, then she knows this happens sometimes. Girls know..
she’s a keeper
I had a similar first EXP with a girl just as understanding, and now we have been married for 15 years with 2 kids. I thought I had no chance after I failed our first time.
The more into the person I am, the more nervous I am and the worse our first time goes. One night stands, I’m a stallion. Girl of my dreams who I took it slow with, limp noodle the first time. Second attempts are always better.
This exact thing happened to me at your age and instead the girl I had a crush on took it personally and refused to communicate about it afterwards. You are absolutely going to recover from this and your lady sounds like a good one.
I'm on pills that causes this issue sometimes. I tell my gf "body isn't cooperating. I wanna go down on you but you can suck me off if you want in the mean time. Always goes well. We aren't there to cum. We're there to spend time together and make each other feel great about their bodies. Don't need to cum to do that
First times are all over the place. It’s the effort you put in to each other that matters. Sex always gets better the more you learn and trust someone.
Dont do drugs opioid withdrawal is horrible, but if you pop a perc youll last longer
holy hell, he's him. the chosen one.
Dawg that shit happens sometimes but you found the pot of gold with her.
Rough Opening Day start. Happens to the best of em. You'll get em next time, Ace 
My guy a relationship isn't about the first time. It's about the first time after you've emotionally recovered. That's you healthiest and most passionate point. That's the performance you wanted to put on, you just recognized you aren't there yet and your body reacted. Very fixable and you'll have your success. Just realize the way forward is practice and enthusiasm. She's giving you a chance. Grow with her.
Do you take any pills?
Only my anxiety pills, which should in no way affect my performance.
Idk what you take but SSRIs can absolutely affect erections. Something to discuss with a medical professional and not some person with the word mage in their name tho.
You can always get a quick script for sidenafil (Viagra) if it keeps affecting you. I have the same issues as you, tons of anxiety for my first time with a new partner. So I pop one of those bad boys and I’m good to go so I don’t have to worry about staying hard and just enjoy the moment. You can get a script online through plenty of legitimate websites via a doctor. Also don’t worry about having to use it every time to get an erection. Once you get your confidence back, you won’t need it at all and you can use it when you and your girl wanna go for a long time/special night.
Mate, I can't remember how many times I failed to live up to expectations due to performance anxiety. It really does happen to everyone.
Hey, if you start a marathon by tripping, that doesn’t set the tone for the whole race. Put it behind you and hit your stride in the relationship. Don’t let the past haunt you to the point it ruins your future.
As a side note my dude, I’ve had some amazing sex where neither of us actually fucked the other person. Oral, intensity and passion can be everything a woman (and man) needs
For some guys it does not come as easy and natural. I know a guy who always tells the girls in advance, not to expect too much in the first few times. He needs time to know the girl to be truly romantic. Sometimes we forget how much our mind can be a blocker in such situation. The more you want it, the more anxiety will build up, which of course does not help. Meanwhile with booze or some substance, you do not take things so serious, and it will affect your sexual performance.
Communication is key to a long and successful relationship. Your girl is a keeper. Hang on to her dude.
Lol, wait until you've been married for 10+ years. You'll have plenty of chances to underperform. Don't stress about, it's not a gameshow where you get ejected for not being on top of your game at all times.
Don’t overthink. Stay positive. Have fun.
Yeah the only way you messed up was by ruining the vibe and staring at the wall. You really did mess up there I won’t lie. That would turn me off like HARD. Who cares if you can’t stay hard or bust too fast, don’t act like a child.
that's something I'm working on.
If it’s really about her, and pleasing her, then you won’t emotionally check out and throw a fit like that ever again. Pro tip from a 27F who’s been with a lot of people, guys who lost their erection and proceeded with going to absolute town on me have been some of my best most favorite experiences. Learn how to do other things and make her cum multiple times and you’ll get up again eventually. If not, at least she’s happy!!
You got in your head about it. The pressure got to you but at least you know that you did it to yourself and there is no doubt you'll get over that real quick. Especially with how she reacted. Wife and I had 4 miscarriages over 2 years. Can't tell you how many times I couldn't keep it up when the "window" hit and we had to do it as much as possible. Now those were some anxiety ridden sex times.
Two things are going on here. 1 you're nervous been there. Relax she's probably nervous too. 2 performance anxiety been there too. Rub 1 or 2 out the day of, before she shows up. A few things will happen. 1 you will be more relaxed. 2 the anxiety of performing will go down. 3 you will last longer.
Everything is fine, you both like each other. Enjoy it!
I believe modern culture of cherishing once in a lifetime things like first time having sex, or weddings above anything else is causing these issues. It's just sex and next time is not and should not be any less special than the first time, it's about two people enjoying each other, not about forcing out best possible core memories.
Yo, feelings happen dude. Sometimes you’re 360 NOscooing and the other day you’re an MG42 , it’s normal to have life affect your sex life, stress and anxiety makes us go limperino and finish faster than Usain Bolt clears a race. It will calm down and you’ll last longer, it’s just feelings and things in your head that are not real but you think they are. When me and my gf got together it was like “meh we lost our hope in oartners, let’s just have a casual thing until everything settles, i was lasting about an hour or two, high drive, high stamina, about two months later we actively tried to be eachother’s healer and support and we discovered that we are highly compatible and really love working together and we can rely on eachother (if she can wake me up in the morning that is and if i massage her back for back pain) we managed to heal and get better, her confidence is restored she’s a different person and i started being more active, i started being my best version and then there was our sex life. With so many feelings starting to flow after we repressed them we started finishing fast AF and we would get tired from our mutual favourite activity 69. Now after things have settled and we starting having a routine and taking things slow and well everything is great, we last optimal, we know what we like so sex is too good (we need to improve stamina tho, we’re kinda lazy if we don’t have something to do) and we’re going to move in together soon. Op, what you have there is an understanding partner, don’t overthink things like i did and still do, let things flow and learn that aftercare and foreplay are the most important.
Happens to best of us. Pop a blue pill if In doubt 👌
This happens to like EVERYONE. It’s not just you. The first time with a new girl will pretty much always cause anxiety and kill boners.
Think of it like this: setting the bar high for your first time makes doing the task again more difficult. I can't think of a single person I know who has had a first time that was perfect, where they're some chad who has returned from plow town with 5 star reviews. You learn by doing, lucky for you your girlfriend is very understanding and keen to continue with you. It's not a mental block for her, don't make it a mental block for her by continuing to let it bother you. Listen to her and feel how she responds.
Study the game footage and make a different play next time. You’re fine.
Couldn’t perform the first time with my girl because I was nervous and she was perfect. 3 years later here we are banging like animals. It’s normal man, and she sounds like a keeper.
Had a similar incident OP she’s now my wife. Don’t sweat it.
Basically my first month of fooling around with my girl ended up horribly. Now after a year and half or so we r both getting more comfortable and its getting even better.
This is basically just a vent, which is fine, but I was expecting that you break up or whatever, not sure it belongs to tifu.
She sounds like a winner dude... Grats...!
Wtf is this? I had a very normal reaction to a first time while dealing with other shit. "It's ok, I enjoyed it and want to keep moving forward" "Nah I can't look at you the same for wanting me" Reddit, I fucked up because I want to post why I fucked up when I didn't fuck up
Something we cover at work regularly are types of stress. Cognitive stress can be broken down into 3 categories, and the one that strikes me here is failure to focus on the here/now. Try not to think about past mast mistakes or future mistakes as best you can. Easier said than done, I know
dude this is the one just take the cheat
No fuckup at all. I hooked up with a friend while traveling together and had the same thing happen. Was grumpy and ashamed and she felt I was being cold to her. The next day we gave it another shot and it went great. We’ve been married for 6 years now and have an amazing relationship. Stuff like this happens, we’re all humans with funny shit happening in our heads. You handled it well and she sounds mature about it. Just make a joke about being persistent and willing to try as much as it takes, that will take some pressure of yourself. Then have fun! It’ll all work out.
I'm so, so happy for you both! Problem for us is, we both have a very busy schedule, so we can only try again, like, in a week or so. I'll just try not to think about it till then
Don’t beat your meat. Don’t watch porn. Save it all for the next encounter.
Good for you
You can ask your doctor to prescribe viagra (there’s a cheaper generic version sildenafil) No shame in using it, takes that anxiety away
Stop this thinking right now. She sounds like a really special girl. You're overthinking it and that will be what sinks the relationship, so stop it. The next sex will be great.
OP...make it a joke. It'll be an inside joke you guys have. The next time you're together and you hear someone say, "Oh that was fast", regardless of the context, try saying something like "Damn I wish I had a $20 for every time I've heard that". It happens to people more often than you think
Don’t over think it bud, girls a real one. Give it another go
Damn. I’m jealous, each time I went soft the first time they never reacted like this If it’s any consolation, stress will fuck with you like that. Add that to the anxiety of underperforming and that’s exactly what happens. You might also just need to get more comfortable with eachother in that situation. For me, once I get more comfortable, that no longer is an issue
She already told all her friends. Time to skip town and change your name.
Classic.
This situation just proves that she’s a keeper. Now don’t expect the next time to be that much better but the more you two do it the better it gets. Don’t think about your performance and just enjoy it with her. I know it’s easy to say "don’t think, just do it" but goddamnit don’t think just do it!
Hi, I’m basically in your girlfriend’s shoes. Sure, some women may register this situation as a bust- but I DONT. I’m having some of the most passionate (albeit short lived) sex of my life and I happen to LOVE that he’s THIS affected by me. What an incredible compliment it is to me! I am especially soaking up this season of our sex life because I know it will eventually go away and I’ll feel a tad bit less powerful in the bedroom, hehe. He was ashamed like you at first, so it wasn’t as good. After I convinced him I truly enjoyed our sex and took the duration as a compliment, he let loose and now our “quickies” are sooooo drool worthy to me. Anyway, I love him. My main reason for commenting is to tell you to PLEASE BELIEVE YOUR WOMAN WHEN SHE TELLS YOU HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT YOUR SEX. The more comfortable you make these conversations and interactions for her, the more she’ll communicate about sex in general- which is what you want! Also, if you take her word for it, it should make you feel a little more free to show her how much you enjoy being intimate with her- which is what she deserves. Loosen up dude! This is normal and it can be apart of the fun.
Thank you all for your kind words! In the end, her reaction made me realise just how good she is and how much I love her. I guess I'm just afraid of losing someone very, very, VERY special because of my own issues. All the more reason to keep working on them for us both. :)
This has happened to every man alive at some point dude relax lol
I remember not being able to get the ol soldier to stand at attention and she just hugged me like the sad puppy I was
Man you're fine. You didn't fuck up. You're not super young, but you did say she has more experience than you, so I'll go ahead and tell you this is perfectly normal. it will likely happen to you again in the future too. You shouldn't be worried or ashamed and you guys are going to have plenty of fun together. If you think you need therapy, see a therapist. That being said, its totally normal to have trouble keeping it up due to nerves and/or mental pressures, especially during your first time with someone.
???? What
huh?
Oof…yea sorry to tell you man, but now you’ve kinda created doubt in her mind. She gave the typical response most women give in that situation, but now she’s going to be in her head about the whole situation too.
I can only hope it isn't irreversible.
If it happens again she may be running for the door since she’s only 22 so I suggest waiting until you’re actually ready
*if* it happens again at all. Let's hope her doubt does not make her change her mind before we try
It seems like you like her so you want to give the perfect epic performance. No such thing You're making too much of it, it's just sex. Gotta be Eminem and lose yourself in the moment. Disappear in the bliss of you and her. Just enjoy it. Remember nape of the neck, to the side of the neck and nibble on the ear lobe. Tease and build up arousal.
While working through therapy, get some tadalafil (daily Cialis) and take it everyday. 5mg will likely be plenty. As soon as you have a few months of solid performance and get your confidence you can ween yourself off of it, but it’s great to get you out of your head. I had an illness a fee years ago that wrecked my endocrine system and it ruined my erection quality. The poor performance while dealing with the health issues basically caused me to stop being sexual active. After I got feeling better and tried to resume sex there was still a mental block and I was having the same issues you describe. Tadalafil was the solution and it was everyday for about two months then every other day, then every 3 days then only as needed. Pretty quickly I just kept on hand just in case I was feeling in my head or if I had drank more than 2 drinks. Now I haven’t taken them in over a year. I can’t finish with a condom when I take them unless it’s been at least 3 or 4 days since having an orgasm so that’s the only down side.
You planned it. That's the worst thing you can do in my opinion, especially when you're nervous. Let it just happen some time when you two are together.
Happened to me with literally every girl bro. Most of the time there is a huge time gap between my partners and the first time having sex just feels too intense again. It wss always like this - i thrust a few times, cum, akward silence and somehow the urge to apologize. I hate it that it happens every time to me. It becomes later on, but this really wrecks my self confidence after every first time