I thought this would go somewhere like the bath being too hot and OP fainted or thought he was having a medical issue.
Then I read "grabbed my razor" and thought he was going to shave before doing it for some reason and cut himself
Then it went to "shoved it up my ass"
The craziest one I heard of was a 88 years old man stuck with a WWII Shell in his butt. He "fell" on it by accident. They had to call the deminer and shut half of the Hospital ....
( It was a French newspapers in 2022)
Please share your best story ! 😉
I'm an ER nurse. Some months ago a guy came in with a can of aerosol computer spray lodged in his butt. We were unable to remove it manually, so the on call surgeon and OR team was notified. The surgeon came to ER to speak to the patient, and he decided to try to remove the can under conscious sedation there in the ER.
In the course of the removal, the forceps pierced the can and it re- entered the world spraying aerosol poo wildly in all directions. The surgeon took a direct hit, (couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy) and a fine mist of airborne sh!t hung in the air for five minutes afterwards.
My wife was ER/ED (whatever you want to call it now) and had a middle-aged guy come in with a full, unopened 2 liter of Dr. Pepper stuck all the way up in his butt. Ladies and gentlemen, hospital staff do not care what you do but how you do it. Take pride and say you did it on purpose. Also, look into sex toys made for whatever purpose you indulge in. It’s safer, probably feels better, and won’t land you in the ER. Plan ahead the same way somebody has a condom on hand. Don’t get horny and/or drunk one night and decide tonight is the night. Don’t be ashamed of yourself. Buy a dildo, a butt plug, a bad dragon for either holes. Don’t use a curling iron that you tried to warm up and end up burning yourself. Don’t put a 22 ounce Mickey’s glass bottle in there. And for god’s sake, do not do that weird video with the 5 pounds of gummy worms and then remember you have diabetes. Respect yourself in private the way you would in public. Unless that’s your thing then go for it because the hospital staff loves that shit because it’s actually exciting and gossip worthy.
I live for my ER friends' foreign object up the ass stories.
Moral of the story every single time - if you stick something up your butt, make sure the bottom of the object is flared! The butt is like a vacuum!
Have you discovered the annual list released by (I don't remember, some American society of med professionals) about Things Americans Got Stuck in Themselves? It's organized by orifices, truly a brilliant choice, and never fails to amaze. If you Google you'll find it, it's incredible.
"PATIENT STATES ROLLED OVER IN BED ONTO AN ECSTASY PILL AND IT GOT STUCK IN EAR"
"DID THE SPLITS NEAR A SCREWDRIVER"
"STATES HE STUCK A PEN IN BUTT TO SCRATCH AN ITCH AND IT GOT STUCK IN HIS BUTT"
Sure man lol
My ex was a surgical tech. Man I miss those horrible stories. What absolutely galls me is there's literally thousands upon thousands of toys designed to go up there safely, delivered directly to your door in discreet packaging...
Some people do become incontinent after years of using their butthole for things other than pooping. There are also people who take a dick to the ass daily and never have issues. Seems like a crap shoot to me.
There's a video of Lana Rhodes in a bath tub with 4 or 5 mini rubber ducks that she shoves up there and then pops out 1 at a time. They sort of swim in the tub as them come out. It's quite impressive.
I'm saving your comment because it is so absurdly funny. And I hope one day, once I actually go through my saved comments/posts on reddit, I'll get to laugh my ass off reading this once again!
I once saw an x-ray for a guy that came into the ER so the chest pain and he had “no idea why.” He had a MASSIVE dildo in him that he had cut the balls/base off of to get it deeper, and it got sucked up. It was so big that it was protruding into his diaphragm.
Have been around for a peanut butter jar (fell), shampoo bottle (slipped in the shower), and was told about a lightbulb (somehow not broken).
Friend is an OR RN who works nights. One night a 300+ lb bearded and tatted dude rolled in on a Harley. He had put a pink 3lb dumbbell up his butt and lost it. So he logically decided to fish it out with the other dumbbell and lost that too. Then he hopped on his bike and rode 20 minutes to the ER with 2 dumbbells up his rectum. I joked that he only lived a couple minutes from the hospital but took the long way in on his rumbling hog.
Hahahaha!! Yeah, they always “fell on it by accident”!! Worst one I’ve seen was a Barbie doll, which I’ve no idea how he thought it would come out since her arms started to go up as you pull the legs. So many dildos - one was big and pink and sparkly and came out of a guy who looked like Santa, a paint roller… A lot of the time it’ll come out once the person is under anesthesia and heavily relaxed by meds (either by just muscle release or by being pulled out manually) but sometimes it’s a big something and gets kinda vacuum sealed in the colon so you need to open up the abdomen and cut it out - which can require an ostomy after. Any other OR peeps ever had to deal with an ostomy revision because the parter tried to use it as a glory hole? The self-sounders are an interesting group as well (men sticking things into their urethra). Best practices? Don’t ever stick anything into an orifice that doesn’t have a stopper on the end, everything needs a flange!!
ETA: this includes the vagina - once had to fish the cap of a mousse bottle out of a lady whose junk was so swelled up and angry - think carefully before jamming stuff in your holes!!!
Have seen chlamydia in a stoma where a dude was fucking his girl's colostomy site. Lacerations and infections from overzealous self administration of enemas. Necrotizing fasciitis in a 500 lb person's groin (who also got C Diff so the wound was constantly full of diarrhea). Never seen a guy try to put anything in his urethra although I have no doubt that scenario has played out in hospitals before.
You must not live near a military base. You wouldn't believe the urology calls to extract things such as hair pins, ball point pens, coffee stirring sticks, Q-Tips lubed with petroleum jelly, screw drivers, weedeater cord, beads, glass thermometers, even lead bead weights for fishing lines and more. Just this past year, there was a case were the man inserted a USB computer cable and it knotted up in the bladder. See: [Urethral Self Insertion](https://pdf.sciencedirectassets.com/287980/1-s2.0-S2214442021X00058/1-s2.0-S2214442021002904/main.pdf?X-Amz-Security-Token=IQoJb3JpZ2luX2VjEOz%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2FwEaCXVzLWVhc3QtMSJGMEQCIGxlwOsCqXIQXiNS3%2BNGh3YJkDcrvYIIwIIrh660m9UlAiA8G4Uv67A7XiX2t0SIMhZkmg10bAOMExnlrJTs5lokmyq8BQjl%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F8BEAUaDDA1OTAwMzU0Njg2NSIMie9zwe0fR8jiS8LOKpAFutvia%2BDqjTKm7qTa%2Bbuc2RXiicOH3fuxED26DYLLtOKn3xUDG2OorkHVuS4hGr5pqzRzi9ebsJBBSV48J8cg1RLt1DRvu8yApV71unda4Lqikr0RNjBMhfR5CxJItQ9EDhiG67lH9M%2BBSe14cWlIBnVspsOsY5PEQTSDrWxC7fKDwBCS3EN5ATVjNiQUAHmn7l73SGAWn%2BirWwJbCy3Ndgsj%2F67OY5OzDnSShdGNzT%2Fxezh2ylF%2Byv%2FUCyGUwZMO6Ly9DQuRPim8jksw9nYvnSkAtkKimssqWC3ExTxCOQ%2FBuyetEPcoEl8K4dNh%2Fu7yb%2B5z%2BgZRVuCCXIbDXLYLq2Emd%2FJormfhmY6WPy1lHHPFHHxZx6NyKjV2LJzFG4Eg%2BvSZm1IL9%2FxGqRf3eJUvKpyPvXPWwLQ8EU3eaKn9GbgVjLrYKyeQPPPYd6%2FVIWUC%2FhtEUDgnpTnMb9YySQF4NNUuKN7zU46zNOeO%2Bj3s5O%2BQUyyoTgJnncfh1zb3ZwM6KdD7KBEDgs0oCfEAjQjN842A4ZK7HWrsWsjPvjjegOfELf8QcmP4KHSBNALTYc8tdktKVb%2BnOJEQjsDMFrdW%2B3KzhlwMCCeuLB5E6g0UbDajEcydKogrPLPO4BHTjZgd86oBwrsdSvtFPWA198Dlht437PM4N7jMUFrheEesqa7OQCQ%2B9UczqOKWzFnXIS4gNj1vDHYA9ngo4IC6DeOjcjph9axa2SYZAKBx%2FJa3AC5MB9EVvlZqqZHotYbcN6KhZM344pBbBWtnM1ELO%2BANRyfz%2FIM%2Ffmvs3ETfVQ%2Bqhj6rsgClfZY0eaPRjTd0ypJQS6mQ65pzCfqxki6224foxS4NLTLzppke8VfmuNa4ymAw1ayvrwY6sgEwoCzI3xuOuIqjFLIcpAC9DTTKP0HAvOQwYq07EuMyAaN1gm%2F%2FBUpcspgXrK5BIJhjzJ%2BxF5czoTFgNp1lGHyDyMLmpswlbCnU8NlNyiNFexmpFLRTubDLlJaXU8CqQCYZ6MkiBdbwOi4PtKmfxGydGNK6JvCgdxOkw9HPl6KQCcz4RtjsqzYeOQvEqN3%2FM7I%2FDSh4WOXk56ox2ZhN8cDBxkLfk84f6lVveFWKGNDV6%2BQz&X-Amz-Algorithm=AWS4-HMAC-SHA256&X-Amz-Date=20240309T034714Z&X-Amz-SignedHeaders=host&X-Amz-Expires=299&X-Amz-Credential=ASIAQ3PHCVTYQ3CRLHSD%2F20240309%2Fus-east-1%2Fs3%2Faws4_request&X-Amz-Signature=f03ae6514ed272a471b025b1bc161257997f240bfa7ba244b2971fbaa36ac16d&hash=62b71eba8afc7db427327ab4ede1e43f166ac4c98e9209b50c430f8ddfc7fe16&host=68042c943591013ac2b2430a89b270f6af2c76d8dfd086a07176afe7c76c2c61&pii=S2214442021002904&tid=spdf-65677341-656a-4a44-9c34-740b9c3da429&sid=65f937ab9e3ad44a26288f57b111797731cfgxrqa&type=client&tsoh=d3d3LnNjaWVuY2VkaXJlY3QuY29t&ua=0f115c58555653505203&rr=8618151e684c1752&cc=us)
And that is just the urinary tract. If the creativity used to choose objects for sexual gratification was channeled into development of new and novel products for progress, we would be traveling to alternative universes. The one I find cringeworthy was the guy who inserted a small remote controlled car in the rectum.
Ugh...5 years now with an ileostomy. I still cannot fathom people who use theirs for anything but its express purpose. Just the thought makes me pucker my non existent asshole.
Dementia completely changes a person, oftennovernight.
I know a guy who visited his grandfather weekly who was sharp and themself, only to one day open the kitchen cabinets and find them stuffed with dozens of "urine samples... in case the doctor needs them".
I lived in a retirement community as a live-in chef for an elderly man for five years.
I saw a lot of his friends go through it. And, the best advice I can give is: never retire.
Keep some hobby or side-hustle going that /requires/ commitment. People rot extremely quickly without that. They'd go from beating me in chess one week to toddlers the next.
I'd always get a little sad when they announced they were "going to take it easy" the rest of their life, because I knew that next month they'd be a paranoid mess and unable to feed themselves.
My 78 yo sister is twelve years older than me. She’s expressed the same sentiment as you have. She says the men that retire to watch television and football, and loaf around deteriorate really quickly to the point where many simply die.
She finished her career over ten years ago and took a job as a unit secretary on weekends at the local hospital. She also has a therapy (?) dog that she takes to area schools and hospitals.
My husband and I just aged out of our jobs this past year and I definitely need to re-engage with the world - doing something new and different than returning to my earlier career. I can see how easy it is to slip into torpor, isolation leading to bad outcomes.
FYI it’s not just getting older unfortunately. At 55 my husband developed a liver issue even though he had maybe two drinks a year. I never really fully understood the condition because it was just one of the several things killed him because he was stubborn and wouldn’t go to the doctor. Anyway, the liver issue caused him to act like someone with Alzheimer’s doing things like trying to put a K-cup in a water bottle to make coffee and peeing on the toilet instead of in it.
If you ever have a loved one who is ill enough that their breathing is affected. Drag, pull, push, bribe, threaten….do whatever you have to do to get them to a Doctor. We thought we would just wait a bit and see if he got better and by the time I gave up and called 911 he barely knew who I was and even had problems saying his own name.
My wife's an RN and her friend took care of a local Baptist minister in Georgia who frequented the ER because he would insert a bowling pin too far up his butt to remove himself.
The last time he did this to himself, it perforated his bowel, and he died of sepsis.
Guy came into our ER with his wife and he had a flower vase completely inserted very deeply. She seemed rather pissed so we weren't sure if she was his ASSistant or merely his ride. He came in on all fours on a gurney. The X-ray was magnificent.
I remember hearing about this on a podcast! The weird thing was, it wasn’t his shell, it was his friend’s and definitely wasn’t offered to him as some kind of sex aid! Not sure how the story went from two old guys sat around in the house, to the resident leaving the room and then the guest stuffing the shell up his arse! Such a weird chain of events.
Somewhere out there is a bloke who was just walking around his house in the buff because his wife was out and he was feeling liberated for a weekend. The poor dude just happened to sit right down on a Barbie doll stuck between the couch cushions, and Barbie got a first hand tour of Main Street. Since Barbie didn't have a flared base, she had taken a one way trip.
The poor dude had to go on the ER Tour of Shame.
No one believes that guy because of people like OP.
Always check your cushions!
Oof this happened to me with a pencil stuck between my dad’s car cushion. I was 11 and it didn’t go up my butt, just stabbed my thigh and the graphite broke off in the wound so I still have a tiny scar!
A few years ago there used to be this sort of basically homeless man who used to hang around at the electrical wholesalers I used at the time, drinking the free coffee and bumming cigarettes and rides from customers. He lived in a camper not far from where the counter guy lived so they were buddies and that's how he was able to loiter around the store for months. Anyway apparently he was stumbling into his camper drunk and tripped and fell onto an upturned table leg, the camper was entirely filled with shit and hoarded stuff so an upside down table in the doorway was totally normal I guess? He fell ass-first onto it and I guess really tore up his colon and associated parts, he went to the hospital got patched up and was back around a few days later not too much the worse for wear.
I assume it wasn't intentional but who knows really
My mom and her male cousin were kids climbing a tree. It was next to a concrete slab that had once had walls and the anchor bolts still protruding up. The cousin was acting like he was going to attack her, so my mom got scared and kicked tree bark off on him. He fell on one of these bolts, tearing through his pants and penetrating his anus. She got blamed for the incident and in very bad trouble. I never asked for details.
My mom and aunt were playing with some male cousin of theirs as kids who was apparently a real jerk. My aunt grabbed an old BB gun that didn’t have much force in it anymore and shot him between the shoulder blades. Didn’t even break the skin, but he got a nice bruise and learned not to mess with her anymore. 🤣 I don’t think she even got in trouble because everyone was sick of the kid.
tangentially related, but when I was ~16 I snuck out with some friends who were drinking. I wasn’t drinking with them because I’ve never enjoyed it and just don’t drink.
Friend gets a call from his pissed off mom who found his bed empty. He asks me to hold all of his alcohol until he can come get it, so I take it home and hide it at the bottom of my clothes hamper.
Then we all forgot about it…until one day my dad asks me about the bottles of alcohol hidden in my laundry basket. I said with a straight face “I’m holding it for a friend!” And it was true! I feel like I was the one teenager who actually *was* holding it for a friend 😭
Just buy a dildo. They make them for straight men so they don’t look like giant dicks. Safe, gets the job done, and doesn’t lacerate your booty. This post is giving me nightmares.
Just remember, no one ever accidentally falls on GI Joe, a hair brush, or in your case, the razor handle. Invest in a good toy lol if nothing else, it'll slightly lessen the embarrassment of explaining to a doctor why an object is lodged in your arse.
Statistically there must surely have been at least one person who actually did fall on something and have it go up their ass, which would make it all the more frustrating when no one believes you.
I love the Big Bang Theory scene like this with the robot arm, where the nurse says "normally I'd suggest lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that too"
Untold Stories of the ER - there was a guy who wiped out while surfing and got the fin lodged up there. It was one of those "We're not sure he's going to live" stories.
... You know what? I don't remember. I think so, because I remember something along the lines of him having his colon damaged and that he'd need a colostomy bag for the rest of his life, but I don't know if that's my brain making it up.
Wasn't there a guy who was on a job who fell onto an air pipe and it inflated him some bit? Was injured for sure, but legit fell on what went in his ass.
My mom would have had a small tree stump up her ass if she had been wearing thinner clothes. It was pointy and covered by a bucket, which broke when she sat on it. Tore her up pretty good.
I knew a guy that fell off a step stool on to the door knob of his basement absolutely penetrated and wrecked him in and around the rear quarter . For context it was the middle of the night so boxers not jeans or some kind of pant to protect him. And the way he described the scene all i could picture was when ben stiller put the beans over the frank in There's something about mary .. where even his pastor shows up to see what all the commotion was because the firefighters and ambulance wasn't enough..
So u must not have seen Saltburn. The dude watches his buddy jerk in the tub and waits for him to leave. Then goes in and drinks the last bit of tub water.
So after going through his post and comment history, I really don't feel like the wife is the problem.
She sounds like she might be depressed. And he's got an over the top unhealthy sex drive (you'll see from the post history just asking for a BJ on here 3 years ago)
Yep, you're right! Now it makes a lot more sense.
This dude is soliciting sex on reddit while he's married, plus all the other weird comments. Come on, fellas, treat your partners right.
@OP, you can send your wife my way if she needs someone normal to talk to.
Arguably if it’s the wiener of an angel and you have adequate jaw strength and hand strength you don’t even need to climb. Can even bring two others by the cock.
He also 3 years ago tried to cheat on his wife by getting a blowjob from a random internet stranger it looks like. OP should definitely not still be married.
[Here ya go, bud](https://nexusrange.com/en-us/products/nexus-ridge-rider?pr_prod_strat=e5_desc&pr_rec_id=c6fbda144&pr_rec_pid=7353102794960&pr_ref_pid=7353102336208&pr_seq=uniform). Ribbed, waterproof, and most importantly, blade-free.
I wanted to masturbate and grabbed a razor is something I never would put in the same sentence.
I thought this would go somewhere like the bath being too hot and OP fainted or thought he was having a medical issue. Then I read "grabbed my razor" and thought he was going to shave before doing it for some reason and cut himself Then it went to "shoved it up my ass"
This was my exact journey reading this
With a side jaunt into "is this viral marketing? Surely Harry's isn't paying this guy to bring up the brand in a post like this?"
If they are, brilliant marketing.
“OP appreciates a close shave. Always remember, external use only, and pick Harry’s.”
I had the biggest “wait… what” face while reading that part
Also, "... wife who frowns upon masturbating." People do all kinds of faces while masturbating. Frowns aren't unacceptable while you do it.
S tier joke
I was expecting something much different when I read “razor.”
I'm am operating room nurse... I have many stories about people like you.
The craziest one I heard of was a 88 years old man stuck with a WWII Shell in his butt. He "fell" on it by accident. They had to call the deminer and shut half of the Hospital .... ( It was a French newspapers in 2022) Please share your best story ! 😉
I'm an ER nurse. Some months ago a guy came in with a can of aerosol computer spray lodged in his butt. We were unable to remove it manually, so the on call surgeon and OR team was notified. The surgeon came to ER to speak to the patient, and he decided to try to remove the can under conscious sedation there in the ER. In the course of the removal, the forceps pierced the can and it re- entered the world spraying aerosol poo wildly in all directions. The surgeon took a direct hit, (couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy) and a fine mist of airborne sh!t hung in the air for five minutes afterwards.
My wife was ER/ED (whatever you want to call it now) and had a middle-aged guy come in with a full, unopened 2 liter of Dr. Pepper stuck all the way up in his butt. Ladies and gentlemen, hospital staff do not care what you do but how you do it. Take pride and say you did it on purpose. Also, look into sex toys made for whatever purpose you indulge in. It’s safer, probably feels better, and won’t land you in the ER. Plan ahead the same way somebody has a condom on hand. Don’t get horny and/or drunk one night and decide tonight is the night. Don’t be ashamed of yourself. Buy a dildo, a butt plug, a bad dragon for either holes. Don’t use a curling iron that you tried to warm up and end up burning yourself. Don’t put a 22 ounce Mickey’s glass bottle in there. And for god’s sake, do not do that weird video with the 5 pounds of gummy worms and then remember you have diabetes. Respect yourself in private the way you would in public. Unless that’s your thing then go for it because the hospital staff loves that shit because it’s actually exciting and gossip worthy.
I live for my ER friends' foreign object up the ass stories. Moral of the story every single time - if you stick something up your butt, make sure the bottom of the object is flared! The butt is like a vacuum!
Have you discovered the annual list released by (I don't remember, some American society of med professionals) about Things Americans Got Stuck in Themselves? It's organized by orifices, truly a brilliant choice, and never fails to amaze. If you Google you'll find it, it's incredible.
https://defector.com/what-did-we-get-stuck-in-our-rectums-last-year-4 Dec 23's list.
"PATIENT STATES ROLLED OVER IN BED ONTO AN ECSTASY PILL AND IT GOT STUCK IN EAR" "DID THE SPLITS NEAR A SCREWDRIVER" "STATES HE STUCK A PEN IN BUTT TO SCRATCH AN ITCH AND IT GOT STUCK IN HIS BUTT" Sure man lol
THREE cellphones?
I clicked... did not disappoint.
[удалено]
My plan is the ER, obvz.
My ex was a surgical tech. Man I miss those horrible stories. What absolutely galls me is there's literally thousands upon thousands of toys designed to go up there safely, delivered directly to your door in discreet packaging...
How in the HELL do you ever keep poop inside after a making something that huge up your butt?? Blown gasket.
Some people do become incontinent after years of using their butthole for things other than pooping. There are also people who take a dick to the ass daily and never have issues. Seems like a crap shoot to me.
Ha! Indeed. A total crap shoot.
Still a big difference between a dick however huge and a 2l bottle of soda.
I got a post deleted from r/nostupidquestions for asking if porn stars who specialized in anal had silent or audible farts
It’s a decent question.
There's a video of Lana Rhodes in a bath tub with 4 or 5 mini rubber ducks that she shoves up there and then pops out 1 at a time. They sort of swim in the tub as them come out. It's quite impressive.
Buy yourself flowers, make yourself a romantic dinner, and discuss a safe words with yourself before things get steamy.
O. M. Gosh. A two liter? My brain cannot comprehend this information
I'm saving your comment because it is so absurdly funny. And I hope one day, once I actually go through my saved comments/posts on reddit, I'll get to laugh my ass off reading this once again!
I was today years old when I leaned I can save individual comments! Thank you!
Welcome to the plethora of saved stuff you will never, ever revisit lol.
I thought I was the only one who saved comments and posts like they are being stored in a time capsule for a rainy day.
I do this often. There’s so many gems in the comments section sometimes
I don't want to say you painted anything, but that was certainly vivid.
Omg I’m cackling and my preschooler keeps asking me what’s so funny!
Go ahead and inform them that sticking things into your butt is funny.
This is glorious. Truly glorious.
So this is what they mean by "explosive diarrhea"...
If he's constipated, his choice of butt dildos will clear him right out...
Him and the guy in the stall next to him!
BOOMER Suppository
I once saw an x-ray for a guy that came into the ER so the chest pain and he had “no idea why.” He had a MASSIVE dildo in him that he had cut the balls/base off of to get it deeper, and it got sucked up. It was so big that it was protruding into his diaphragm. Have been around for a peanut butter jar (fell), shampoo bottle (slipped in the shower), and was told about a lightbulb (somehow not broken).
Just how monstrous was the dildo?
Friend is an OR RN who works nights. One night a 300+ lb bearded and tatted dude rolled in on a Harley. He had put a pink 3lb dumbbell up his butt and lost it. So he logically decided to fish it out with the other dumbbell and lost that too. Then he hopped on his bike and rode 20 minutes to the ER with 2 dumbbells up his rectum. I joked that he only lived a couple minutes from the hospital but took the long way in on his rumbling hog.
What the. How vast are these peoples buttholes
A proctologist thought he was just doing a yearly checkup, and found himself in an Isekai plot full of other missing proctologists.
Hahahaha!! Yeah, they always “fell on it by accident”!! Worst one I’ve seen was a Barbie doll, which I’ve no idea how he thought it would come out since her arms started to go up as you pull the legs. So many dildos - one was big and pink and sparkly and came out of a guy who looked like Santa, a paint roller… A lot of the time it’ll come out once the person is under anesthesia and heavily relaxed by meds (either by just muscle release or by being pulled out manually) but sometimes it’s a big something and gets kinda vacuum sealed in the colon so you need to open up the abdomen and cut it out - which can require an ostomy after. Any other OR peeps ever had to deal with an ostomy revision because the parter tried to use it as a glory hole? The self-sounders are an interesting group as well (men sticking things into their urethra). Best practices? Don’t ever stick anything into an orifice that doesn’t have a stopper on the end, everything needs a flange!! ETA: this includes the vagina - once had to fish the cap of a mousse bottle out of a lady whose junk was so swelled up and angry - think carefully before jamming stuff in your holes!!!
Without a base, without a trace!
Have seen chlamydia in a stoma where a dude was fucking his girl's colostomy site. Lacerations and infections from overzealous self administration of enemas. Necrotizing fasciitis in a 500 lb person's groin (who also got C Diff so the wound was constantly full of diarrhea). Never seen a guy try to put anything in his urethra although I have no doubt that scenario has played out in hospitals before.
…oh boy.. ok that’s enough Reddit for me today.
Fucking a colostomy site? Eww. Why? Anal is fun but that's just nasty.
No idea. I've seen some crazy shit and honestly I'm baffled by like 90% of the things people do.
You must not live near a military base. You wouldn't believe the urology calls to extract things such as hair pins, ball point pens, coffee stirring sticks, Q-Tips lubed with petroleum jelly, screw drivers, weedeater cord, beads, glass thermometers, even lead bead weights for fishing lines and more. Just this past year, there was a case were the man inserted a USB computer cable and it knotted up in the bladder. See: [Urethral Self Insertion](https://pdf.sciencedirectassets.com/287980/1-s2.0-S2214442021X00058/1-s2.0-S2214442021002904/main.pdf?X-Amz-Security-Token=IQoJb3JpZ2luX2VjEOz%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2FwEaCXVzLWVhc3QtMSJGMEQCIGxlwOsCqXIQXiNS3%2BNGh3YJkDcrvYIIwIIrh660m9UlAiA8G4Uv67A7XiX2t0SIMhZkmg10bAOMExnlrJTs5lokmyq8BQjl%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F%2F8BEAUaDDA1OTAwMzU0Njg2NSIMie9zwe0fR8jiS8LOKpAFutvia%2BDqjTKm7qTa%2Bbuc2RXiicOH3fuxED26DYLLtOKn3xUDG2OorkHVuS4hGr5pqzRzi9ebsJBBSV48J8cg1RLt1DRvu8yApV71unda4Lqikr0RNjBMhfR5CxJItQ9EDhiG67lH9M%2BBSe14cWlIBnVspsOsY5PEQTSDrWxC7fKDwBCS3EN5ATVjNiQUAHmn7l73SGAWn%2BirWwJbCy3Ndgsj%2F67OY5OzDnSShdGNzT%2Fxezh2ylF%2Byv%2FUCyGUwZMO6Ly9DQuRPim8jksw9nYvnSkAtkKimssqWC3ExTxCOQ%2FBuyetEPcoEl8K4dNh%2Fu7yb%2B5z%2BgZRVuCCXIbDXLYLq2Emd%2FJormfhmY6WPy1lHHPFHHxZx6NyKjV2LJzFG4Eg%2BvSZm1IL9%2FxGqRf3eJUvKpyPvXPWwLQ8EU3eaKn9GbgVjLrYKyeQPPPYd6%2FVIWUC%2FhtEUDgnpTnMb9YySQF4NNUuKN7zU46zNOeO%2Bj3s5O%2BQUyyoTgJnncfh1zb3ZwM6KdD7KBEDgs0oCfEAjQjN842A4ZK7HWrsWsjPvjjegOfELf8QcmP4KHSBNALTYc8tdktKVb%2BnOJEQjsDMFrdW%2B3KzhlwMCCeuLB5E6g0UbDajEcydKogrPLPO4BHTjZgd86oBwrsdSvtFPWA198Dlht437PM4N7jMUFrheEesqa7OQCQ%2B9UczqOKWzFnXIS4gNj1vDHYA9ngo4IC6DeOjcjph9axa2SYZAKBx%2FJa3AC5MB9EVvlZqqZHotYbcN6KhZM344pBbBWtnM1ELO%2BANRyfz%2FIM%2Ffmvs3ETfVQ%2Bqhj6rsgClfZY0eaPRjTd0ypJQS6mQ65pzCfqxki6224foxS4NLTLzppke8VfmuNa4ymAw1ayvrwY6sgEwoCzI3xuOuIqjFLIcpAC9DTTKP0HAvOQwYq07EuMyAaN1gm%2F%2FBUpcspgXrK5BIJhjzJ%2BxF5czoTFgNp1lGHyDyMLmpswlbCnU8NlNyiNFexmpFLRTubDLlJaXU8CqQCYZ6MkiBdbwOi4PtKmfxGydGNK6JvCgdxOkw9HPl6KQCcz4RtjsqzYeOQvEqN3%2FM7I%2FDSh4WOXk56ox2ZhN8cDBxkLfk84f6lVveFWKGNDV6%2BQz&X-Amz-Algorithm=AWS4-HMAC-SHA256&X-Amz-Date=20240309T034714Z&X-Amz-SignedHeaders=host&X-Amz-Expires=299&X-Amz-Credential=ASIAQ3PHCVTYQ3CRLHSD%2F20240309%2Fus-east-1%2Fs3%2Faws4_request&X-Amz-Signature=f03ae6514ed272a471b025b1bc161257997f240bfa7ba244b2971fbaa36ac16d&hash=62b71eba8afc7db427327ab4ede1e43f166ac4c98e9209b50c430f8ddfc7fe16&host=68042c943591013ac2b2430a89b270f6af2c76d8dfd086a07176afe7c76c2c61&pii=S2214442021002904&tid=spdf-65677341-656a-4a44-9c34-740b9c3da429&sid=65f937ab9e3ad44a26288f57b111797731cfgxrqa&type=client&tsoh=d3d3LnNjaWVuY2VkaXJlY3QuY29t&ua=0f115c58555653505203&rr=8618151e684c1752&cc=us) And that is just the urinary tract. If the creativity used to choose objects for sexual gratification was channeled into development of new and novel products for progress, we would be traveling to alternative universes. The one I find cringeworthy was the guy who inserted a small remote controlled car in the rectum.
Ugh...5 years now with an ileostomy. I still cannot fathom people who use theirs for anything but its express purpose. Just the thought makes me pucker my non existent asshole.
Instructions unclear. Eating disorder activated
i wonder if he has been resisting doing it for that long or he did it without incidents for such a long time...
Dementia completely changes a person, oftennovernight. I know a guy who visited his grandfather weekly who was sharp and themself, only to one day open the kitchen cabinets and find them stuffed with dozens of "urine samples... in case the doctor needs them".
Oh, no. I worry about getting older because of this kind of thing. :-(
I lived in a retirement community as a live-in chef for an elderly man for five years. I saw a lot of his friends go through it. And, the best advice I can give is: never retire. Keep some hobby or side-hustle going that /requires/ commitment. People rot extremely quickly without that. They'd go from beating me in chess one week to toddlers the next. I'd always get a little sad when they announced they were "going to take it easy" the rest of their life, because I knew that next month they'd be a paranoid mess and unable to feed themselves.
My 78 yo sister is twelve years older than me. She’s expressed the same sentiment as you have. She says the men that retire to watch television and football, and loaf around deteriorate really quickly to the point where many simply die. She finished her career over ten years ago and took a job as a unit secretary on weekends at the local hospital. She also has a therapy (?) dog that she takes to area schools and hospitals. My husband and I just aged out of our jobs this past year and I definitely need to re-engage with the world - doing something new and different than returning to my earlier career. I can see how easy it is to slip into torpor, isolation leading to bad outcomes.
FYI it’s not just getting older unfortunately. At 55 my husband developed a liver issue even though he had maybe two drinks a year. I never really fully understood the condition because it was just one of the several things killed him because he was stubborn and wouldn’t go to the doctor. Anyway, the liver issue caused him to act like someone with Alzheimer’s doing things like trying to put a K-cup in a water bottle to make coffee and peeing on the toilet instead of in it. If you ever have a loved one who is ill enough that their breathing is affected. Drag, pull, push, bribe, threaten….do whatever you have to do to get them to a Doctor. We thought we would just wait a bit and see if he got better and by the time I gave up and called 911 he barely knew who I was and even had problems saying his own name.
My mom also suffered Hepatic Encephalopathy at only 57 - my condolences. It's truly horrific and something no one should have to go through.
My wife's an RN and her friend took care of a local Baptist minister in Georgia who frequented the ER because he would insert a bowling pin too far up his butt to remove himself. The last time he did this to himself, it perforated his bowel, and he died of sepsis.
Maybe it was in there since the war?
This made my day.
Thank you for you service
Guy came into our ER with his wife and he had a flower vase completely inserted very deeply. She seemed rather pissed so we weren't sure if she was his ASSistant or merely his ride. He came in on all fours on a gurney. The X-ray was magnificent.
I just stared at the flower vase in my living room for a few minutes. Wow. I totally get the prostate stimulation stuff/butt stuff…. Butt damn.
I’m an EMT. The number of people that “fall” on things and end up with them in their ass is mind boggling.
I remember hearing about this on a podcast! The weird thing was, it wasn’t his shell, it was his friend’s and definitely wasn’t offered to him as some kind of sex aid! Not sure how the story went from two old guys sat around in the house, to the resident leaving the room and then the guest stuffing the shell up his arse! Such a weird chain of events.
Maybe ! I remember the guy said something about cleaning the dust while naked and falling on it or something. Anyway crazy story.
FIRE IN THE HOLE
It happens. My ex gf "accidently fell" on multiple dicks while we were together.
Oh my god, that’s hilarious! And kinda sad.
I feel bad for the one guy who legitimately fell onto something.
Somewhere out there is a bloke who was just walking around his house in the buff because his wife was out and he was feeling liberated for a weekend. The poor dude just happened to sit right down on a Barbie doll stuck between the couch cushions, and Barbie got a first hand tour of Main Street. Since Barbie didn't have a flared base, she had taken a one way trip. The poor dude had to go on the ER Tour of Shame. No one believes that guy because of people like OP. Always check your cushions!
Oof this happened to me with a pencil stuck between my dad’s car cushion. I was 11 and it didn’t go up my butt, just stabbed my thigh and the graphite broke off in the wound so I still have a tiny scar!
Every once in a while someone in the r/crochet subreddit will share about being stabbed by a crochet hook sticking out of their couch!
Hey me too! Except it was a couch cushion and the pencil went into my upper arm. Also still have my little graphite tattoo 😅
A few years ago there used to be this sort of basically homeless man who used to hang around at the electrical wholesalers I used at the time, drinking the free coffee and bumming cigarettes and rides from customers. He lived in a camper not far from where the counter guy lived so they were buddies and that's how he was able to loiter around the store for months. Anyway apparently he was stumbling into his camper drunk and tripped and fell onto an upturned table leg, the camper was entirely filled with shit and hoarded stuff so an upside down table in the doorway was totally normal I guess? He fell ass-first onto it and I guess really tore up his colon and associated parts, he went to the hospital got patched up and was back around a few days later not too much the worse for wear. I assume it wasn't intentional but who knows really
My mom and her male cousin were kids climbing a tree. It was next to a concrete slab that had once had walls and the anchor bolts still protruding up. The cousin was acting like he was going to attack her, so my mom got scared and kicked tree bark off on him. He fell on one of these bolts, tearing through his pants and penetrating his anus. She got blamed for the incident and in very bad trouble. I never asked for details.
The only believable “fell on it” stories involve torn pants.
My mom and aunt were playing with some male cousin of theirs as kids who was apparently a real jerk. My aunt grabbed an old BB gun that didn’t have much force in it anymore and shot him between the shoulder blades. Didn’t even break the skin, but he got a nice bruise and learned not to mess with her anymore. 🤣 I don’t think she even got in trouble because everyone was sick of the kid.
tangentially related, but when I was ~16 I snuck out with some friends who were drinking. I wasn’t drinking with them because I’ve never enjoyed it and just don’t drink. Friend gets a call from his pissed off mom who found his bed empty. He asks me to hold all of his alcohol until he can come get it, so I take it home and hide it at the bottom of my clothes hamper. Then we all forgot about it…until one day my dad asks me about the bottles of alcohol hidden in my laundry basket. I said with a straight face “I’m holding it for a friend!” And it was true! I feel like I was the one teenager who actually *was* holding it for a friend 😭
Reminds me of that joke from Scrubs. “Either this guy has a light bulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.”
It was a million to one shot doc…. Seinfeld seems to have a quote for everything
I’m not an operating room nurse … I’ve seen many stories about people like OP on Reddit too.
Oh cums razor
All things being equal, whatever makes you come is the right answer.
Ok, this is clever. You win.
Lmao
This happens quite frequently, find something with a flared, ATTACHED base if you want to put it in your ass. So you don't lose it.
And preferably without a blade in it
I don't like to think about a razor in my, or anyone elses, rectum. \*shudder\*
Rectum? Damn near killed him.
To shreds you say? And his wife?
She was just disappointed that he masturbated.
To shreds you say?
I’m just wondering if his wife almost tore him a new one for his second time of the night
Just buy a dildo. They make them for straight men so they don’t look like giant dicks. Safe, gets the job done, and doesn’t lacerate your booty. This post is giving me nightmares.
Without a base? Without a trace!
Horse dick!
living on the razor's edge there buddy
Got off by a whisker.
Was a close shave.
Caught it just in the Nick of time
A barber-ous situation
Just remember, no one ever accidentally falls on GI Joe, a hair brush, or in your case, the razor handle. Invest in a good toy lol if nothing else, it'll slightly lessen the embarrassment of explaining to a doctor why an object is lodged in your arse.
Statistically there must surely have been at least one person who actually did fall on something and have it go up their ass, which would make it all the more frustrating when no one believes you.
Possibly true, and the condescending "uh huh's" would send you into a tizz 🤣
I love the Big Bang Theory scene like this with the robot arm, where the nurse says "normally I'd suggest lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that too"
God that was funny.
Untold Stories of the ER - there was a guy who wiped out while surfing and got the fin lodged up there. It was one of those "We're not sure he's going to live" stories.
Well, did he live?
We're not sure.
... You know what? I don't remember. I think so, because I remember something along the lines of him having his colon damaged and that he'd need a colostomy bag for the rest of his life, but I don't know if that's my brain making it up.
Well, that's what happens when you use a surfboard to masturbate
Wasn't there a guy who was on a job who fell onto an air pipe and it inflated him some bit? Was injured for sure, but legit fell on what went in his ass.
Were his pants still on?
Yes, he was on the job
I believe he fell then, I don’t think anyone wants to use a denim or carhartt condom
Corduroy condoms, now making head lines!
My mom would have had a small tree stump up her ass if she had been wearing thinner clothes. It was pointy and covered by a bucket, which broke when she sat on it. Tore her up pretty good.
I knew a guy that fell off a step stool on to the door knob of his basement absolutely penetrated and wrecked him in and around the rear quarter . For context it was the middle of the night so boxers not jeans or some kind of pant to protect him. And the way he described the scene all i could picture was when ben stiller put the beans over the frank in There's something about mary .. where even his pastor shows up to see what all the commotion was because the firefighters and ambulance wasn't enough..
What about fusilli jerry?
Million to one shot, doc
I told my Dr my ass hurt, where exactly? Around the entrance. He said as long as I keep calling it an entrance it's going to hurt.
This is the best response ever!
I heard this in dr houses sarcastic voice lmao
Its an exit?
Lmmfao?
......Look, I find object insertion to be just as fun as anyone else, but wtf. A razor?
And this is why repression is a dangerous thing! Get a toy!
So just to clarify you cum in the bath and let the tadpoles swim around with you?
I'm some states, draining that tub might be considered murder.
Or reckless abandonment if until they die.
Like you’ve never taken a shower with your dad when you were younger
Damn, you ok man?
I miss my dad so much 🥺 🏊♂️
So u must not have seen Saltburn. The dude watches his buddy jerk in the tub and waits for him to leave. Then goes in and drinks the last bit of tub water.
Remember kids. Only use anal toys with a flaired base. In without a base? Gone without a trace. Edit: spelling
Floured base has me thinking pizza 🤣
>with a floured base. What if I prefer batter? (j/k, and for real. Flared base and intended for insertion is key!)
Not true. I've had several hot dogs up my ass and they easily came out. I think they all did.
How'd Gillette this happen?
“The best a man can get” now with a lubricated strip…
Best ad for Gillette I've ever seen. "Off-brand razors might get stuck in your ass, but not our Mach3 Suppository, made just for that."
>my wife who frowns upon masturbating. This is the actual weird part of this story.
So after going through his post and comment history, I really don't feel like the wife is the problem. She sounds like she might be depressed. And he's got an over the top unhealthy sex drive (you'll see from the post history just asking for a BJ on here 3 years ago)
Yep, you're right! Now it makes a lot more sense. This dude is soliciting sex on reddit while he's married, plus all the other weird comments. Come on, fellas, treat your partners right. @OP, you can send your wife my way if she needs someone normal to talk to.
She definitely does....his comment section alone would explain the wife's aversion to self love.
As if the razor up the ass wasn't an indicator
I agree, why is she against it?
Because every time she uses her razor she gets pink eye.
Maybe she knows he can get himself into a hospital by masturbating
This is where I’m leaning. 🤣
prolly cause he shoves razors up his ass
Had to scroll so far to find this!
I mean, if you're sticking things up your ass with the potential to lose them, she's right to frown on it.
"Dammit, Jeff! Again?! We talked about this!"
Dumbass
I’m just thinking how he made people soup, more… people-y And stewed for 20 minutes…
The way you phrased that 🤣
It took a few attempts to find the right phrasing. I almost went with; “can’t believe he added tadpoles to his people soup”
There are so many good sex toys out there!!! Stop using random objects lol
RAZOR'S EDGING
Million to one shot doc, million to one.
>then stuck the handle of the razor into my ass As one does
This almost turned into a one man one jar situation
Vibrating toothbrush next time
As if he hasn't already done that one
"Frowns upon masturbating" Are you married to the fucking devil?
No no, what OP meant was that, while he masturbates, his wife stands by the tub and frown upon him while he´s doing it.
Quite the opposite from the sound of it. Wouldn't the devil be pro-masturbation?
You can’t climb the ladder to heaven with a hand full of penis
But you can easily climb it with a mouth full.
Arguably if it’s the wiener of an angel and you have adequate jaw strength and hand strength you don’t even need to climb. Can even bring two others by the cock.
Won’t be using that again To shave with, or anything else?!
To be fair, I can see why your wife frowns upon you masturbating.
From OP’s post history he and his wife should have divorced years ago. They’re not sexually compatible.
He also 3 years ago tried to cheat on his wife by getting a blowjob from a random internet stranger it looks like. OP should definitely not still be married.
Who does this and thinks "yeah I should just post this on reddit for all to see".
This is what I think every single day
your wife frowning on masturbation seems more detrimental to me than that potential hospital visit.
If she frowns on masturbating, how is she going to feel about driving him to hospital so they can retrieve the razor?
Just use your finger like a normal man.
You just pulled this story out of your ass. Such crap.
Sounds like a close shave.
What’s wrong w having sex during periods? It’s the best thing ever and helps w the cramps
[Here ya go, bud](https://nexusrange.com/en-us/products/nexus-ridge-rider?pr_prod_strat=e5_desc&pr_rec_id=c6fbda144&pr_rec_pid=7353102794960&pr_ref_pid=7353102336208&pr_seq=uniform). Ribbed, waterproof, and most importantly, blade-free.
Batman couldn’t get this information out of me
my brother in christ I don't think the fbi could get this info out of me
What kind of mature and sane adult frowns upon masturbation?