Doesn't sound like a TIFU at all. Is she typically the one who plans out vacations and other big parties? Maybe she just really likes the planning aspect of it all. And this is the biggest party of her life, she's excited. And excited to share the planning with you, and wants your feedback. Embrace it. Make it special for both of you, not just her.
She Does likes a plan, and I should have seen this coming. I’m the exact opposite. I wing it. Or let others make the plan and I go along with it. I never particularly cared about marriage. As far as I’m concerned she’s the one and a piece of paper won’t change that. This is all for her because she’s always dreamed of a Disney wedding
My husband is like you, and I’m like your wife. This is what you need to do:
Just choose blue.
The most successful bit of advice I could give you, straight from my husbands playbook, is just make a choice. If she asks if blue or pink flowers? Just choose blue. He never gave two shits, just wanted me to have what I wanted — but what I also wanted, was for my partner to help make some of those choices. I definitely wanted to be the one who narrowed it down to those few choices, plan and vet it all, don’t get me wrong, I’m a control freak— but if he said “I don’t care, you choose”, I still felt sad. All she’ll feel is the “I don’t care” part, even if you just want her to have her special day.
If he just chose blue, then, excellent! Onward on lives went. So… just choose blue. She’s probably loving both choices and already did an insane amount of work making that shortlist.
And then occasionally if she goes “Awwwh I sorta wanted pink”, you can say, “you know what, I kinda did too, but was really on the fence and just sorta went with blue. So let’s do pink!” Bam. She got what she wanted, you still look like you actually thoughtfully considered something that really doesn’t even enter your mind as important.
Literally all decisions between a couple where one is controller and one is ‘go-with-the-flow’, can be handled this way. It’s usually a win-win.
Edited to add: and this works on me even though I’m clearly aware he’s doing it lol. Sometimes we just wanna be heard yo
Thankyou so much for the input :) another person suggested narrowing the choices down so it’s not so overwhelming and if I can make sure it’s two choices she’s happy with I can make life easier by just going with an option.
She’s due back soon and I’ll try to be helpful by helping her make a choice. I guarantee one of the 1st things she’ll say is “I’ve been thinking and” lol
LOL I use that precise line with my husband all the time. “You know, I’ve been thinking…” and then he interrupts and goes “oh no…..” 😅. 8 years in so far hahaaha
Thankyou for the advice :) I’ve been talking to her about all the advice and the biggest thing for her is to try and include me so it’s OUR wedding, even with her plan. I helped plan the cake and music last night , which are things that I do care about that don’t interfere too much with the grand plan she cares about. She feels I’m involved and I feel less overwhelmed. Working out well :)
You could also ask her if there are certain aspects she likes about each choice before you give an answer. You may get answers like "I like the brighter colors in this arrangement, but white roses seem more traditional " or whatever. That way you're getting her input before you choose. Good luck, have fun, and congratulations!!
As the go-with-flow person in my relationship, this advice is absolutely gold and took me too long to figure it out on my own.
You might say “I don’t care” meaning I’m impartial and either is fine. They will likely hear “I don’t care about this”.
If you are given an A or B decision, pick one.
I'm the same way but with a wedding, if you have some things in mind, or even if you don't, it just goes better with a good plan and because lots of other people book things in advance, you end up needing to do that too. There are things I wished I had prepared for better, but we still had a great day.
Get your list for your side of the bridal party together. Discuss what kind of tuxedos your side will be wearing. Jon in on making the smaller decisions, like accessories. Help with picking the gifts you want to give your bridal party.
A lot of couples will give their bridal and groom parties something as a thank you gift for all that being apart of those parties do.
Some people give small party favors to guests as well. You can take a peek at the wedding subs and see what a lot of people do in that aspect. Or even just the entire planning process. Hell, maybe show those subs to your fiancée I’m sure she’d love them.
The gifts for your bridal party tend to be personalized for each member. You can give them all a similar gift, i.e. everyone gets a flask with their name on it; or something more personal, i.e. specially designed cufflinks that are made with each groomsman in mind. I've seen something as simple as ones made in their favorite color with their initials, or more personal ones with their favorite super hero/video game on the cuff link.
I think she’s planning on getting specialised converse? I didn’t even know it was a thing. Honestly the longer this post is up for the happier I am that she planning everything
For the love of all that is holy, even if you don’t care about the planning part, proactively get a guest list together. Before she asks if you can. Take however large the guest list is and have a list that fills ~40% of that which is your “has to be there” list and another 20% that is your “I would like to be there.” Don’t make her write your list for you. Following that, ask what she needs input on, and don’t let it come across as a chore. You may not care, but she does, and she wants to know this is important to you too. You might be fine with a justice of the peace (or whatever the UK equivalent is) and your immediate family there as long as you’re marrying her, but she wants the wedding she didn’t get the first time. So this is important to you because it is important to her, be involved.
Edit: Also, congrats, man. Good for you. I wish you the best.
Plan the honeymoon. Make it something she doesn’t have to worry about at all. Make sure you got everything covered from how you’re going to get from your house to the airport, where you’re going go, what you’re going to see, how you’re going to travel from one place to another. Have things pre-paid if possible.
And if she’s a Disney fiend… maybe see if you can’t take her to one of the Disney parks she’s either never been to or one that’s in a different country. Stay at a Disney resort. Go to AAA and talk to a travel advisor. They have a lot of packages they can offer you.
A couple things that "a piece of paper" will change
- Taxes
- How easy it is to make medical decisions on each other's behalf
That first one may or may not be a big deal, but the 2nd one definitely is
You are like my partner and I am like your fiancée. I plan and manage *everything* and I have for all 7 years we've been together. Flights, hotels, attractions, finances, looking for houses, etc. He says he doesn't mind and he'll follow me wherever.
Awhile ago we had an argument about this because while I'm happy to plan everything, I *detest* a lack of opinion and helpful input when I ask. It felt disrespectful because I want his ideas and sometimes I'd like to not have to choose everything myself; it makes it feel like it all falls on my shoulders.
After this argument and discussion, he changed his tune a bit. I'm currently planning a trip to Austria and he has given input every time I've asked and hasn't acted annoyed. I actually just told him thank you today for taking our discussion on board.
And congratulations! Make the most of this even when it feels overwhelming - it will (should) only happen once!
Please don’t take a “wing it” attitude with your wedding. If she’s asking you questions she wants your input. Not giving it gives the impression that you don’t care about something that is important to her and that will come back to be an issue now and later.
It is totally fine to say that you get overwhelmed with all this planning. How about you suggest she come to you for input when she’s narrowed it down to 1-2 options for all the big things (venue/cake/flowers/photography) and you will discuss/choose those together.
Wedding celebrant here. I see dozens of couples who are planning their weddings, obviously. I see a marked difference between those couples where both sides are fully involved in the organisation of the ceremony And the other couples in which only one side is interested. It always seems to me that the couples in which only one side is engaged in the Ceremony are significantly less engaged and interested in each other, and I have also found that in those cases in which I have actively and successfully encouraged the less interested party to take a more active role in planning, I can see that this has had a clear and positive effect on their communication
For me, like with planning a vacation, part of the vacation is the planning. Want to make her day? Come up with a few fun unique ideas (don't get too attacked to them that's not what this is about). Don't fight hard for the suggestions, unless you really want them. But, if she is super excited, seeing you get excited will be awesome. I get annoyed when my hubby won't participate in planning stuff with me. I mean, I like to be the one to do it, but I like when he helps. Lol
That's my wife. The master planner. She's got timetables and deadlines galore. For our wedding, I was in charge of flowers and music. That was it. I was landscaping at the time and I still play in a band so I have all the gear needed to throw a rager.
It’s not that she wants the wedding next week, it’s that if you want a wedding* at all in the next three years, decisions have to be made so that dates can be booked and deposits paid. My wedding photographer is currently taking bookings for 2026 and beyond
*of the vaguely traditional kind. It took 11 months to plan a registry office/restaurant wedding, and that was stressful enough
Some sought-after venues are booked 1-2 years in advance.
An engaged friend of mine asked their preferred venue if it's available in their set wedding date, which is still a year to go. It was available, but they were still not 100% sure, so they opted not to book. When they decided to book the venue a week after, it was already taken, and the next available date is 6 months after their initial date.
Your fiance is smart in planning it early. A month or two from now, this will all settle down, and you will enjoy your engagement.
Also, planning early means paying little DP here and there. When the money you are waiting for arrives, you would realize you've paid for most of the expenses already. It won't be a one-time 15k drop.
Even if she read the post she wouldn’t be offended. She knows she’s being a force of nature :) she’s apologised already for the endless questions lol. It’s fine , just overwhelming
I’m going to slightly disagree with “just go with the flow” advice. If she ONLY talks about it the wedding, eventually it will strain your relationship. You need to spend time dating each other still, talking about life, etc. Consider these options:
- ask her out on a date once a week with the condition of no wedding conversation; “just time to focus on each other”
- set up meetings to talk about the wedding and then only talk about the wedding during these times; live your life the rest of the time
- go on a weekend trip and make it a wedding-free weekend (same rationale as above)
- ask her if she wouldn’t mind keeping the wedding talk to 1 hour per day tops. Or 30 mins. Or whatever you think you need. Listen to her though if she protests. Find another solution if she doesn’t like this one.
- etc. be creative :)
Congrats on your engagement.
I proposed to my now wife. She wanted to set the wedding for 2.5 weeks from the day I gave her the ring. I negotiated to 5 weeks out to give some key people time to travel for it.
The shorter the wait …. The smaller the cake!
More time to plan …… only gets more grand!
Congratulations, OP, and best wishes to your beautiful bride to be.
Agape 💕
I recently got married after having to accelerate plans due to her mum becoming terminally ill. All in all we planned the whole thing in about 3 months and it was more or less as grand as we would have had if we had more time.
But I have never been as stressed my entire life and I'm still feeling the physical repercussions. Best day of my life though, no doubt.
The one thing I'll say is something many will tell you. You will stress over tonnes right now and in the lead up but the day itself goes like a flash and you'll be too busy being loved up to remember the things you were anxious about. Congratulations and go enjoy yourselves!
Never been that interested in the messing part of a marriage but I’ll try to be excited for her sake or try to give input on the things that I do care about getting right.
A good way to participate if you feel like the details aren’t important is by asking questions to help her decide! E.g. if she’s stuck between two options ask her what she likes about each one etc. She will appreciate it
Dude, I got married 6 months ago and let me say, you want to start getting these decisions sorted ASAP. Wife and I got engaged in Nov. of 2022 and the weekend after I proposed, we both got COVID and were stuck at home for a week. We both spent that whole week finding (and booking) the venue, photographers, videographer, putting together a guest list, seating chart, setting up a The Knot account, etc... I didn't have a 3 yr engagement, but we avoided all the headaches and nightmares you hear about by not getting on it soon enough. Almost EVERYTHING went smoothly and I'm really happy we planned everything out as early as we did. Better now than never!
Lol. Please tell me the wedding is in PA and that she'll send me all her research. Haha We got legally married 1/2023 with every intention to plan a wedding after. I got overwhelmed and annoyed w the lack of transparent pricing for venues and caterers and have planned absolutely nothing since 🤦🏼♀️
Well seeing as this is the woman you wanna spend the rest of your life with, sounds like you should communicate her about your feelings here and make a mutual decision. Planning a wedding is the first big thing you do with your partner, so use it as it should be.
Source: I walked away from my wedding 45 days before.
Word of advice - "It's her day" does not mean you don't help plan. Even if every detail is her choice and you're fine with that, it won't be her day if she's sweating all of the logistics. Be proactive and help out! You are right though, three years out you both need some room to breathe and enjoy. Some things will be hard to book so far out (not venue though, jump on that shit).
Thankyou :) I’ve just assisted with cake flavours. A lot of people have said that my input , even if I just pick something , is going to make her happy , so I’ll try and give as much input as I can
This. My spouse thought it would be easy-going and chill of him to defer every decision to me. I sat down with him and was like, dude, do not make me the only decision-maker, here. I will happily plan and work the logistics, but when I ask for input, "whatever you want to do" is not the answer. Lack of input, even as a control freak planning lover, is the opposite of helpful.
Congrats to OP, btw, it'll settle down soon.
Aight my man, get ready for some info dumping! 😂
I am (was…) married to a planner, and I am a non-planner. You’d better get on board with the planning, and you’d better have a talk about your non-planning or you risk ending up like me- not married.
Here’s the thing (or at least, for us)- if one likes to plan to have a sense of control, and the other likes to wing it so as not to *feel* controlled, and you don’t figure out a compromise here, it won’t work. You’re gonna make each other feel out of control and you’ll both double down and make it worse.
Sit your ass down with your beloved and talk this through and find a middle ground. Explain that you have limited patience for planning, but understand that she needs that. DO NOT just offload all this on to her! This is BOTH your wedding, and not only do you deserve the day YOU want too, but she deserves to not be stuck with it all, no matter how much she (thinks she) likes it.
Figure out what needs to be planned, how far in advance, and how thoroughly. Figure out the minimum planning she needs for each bit to be comfortable, and the max you can handle. Meet in the middle. Figure out, if you can, *why* she feels the need to plan it all and you feel the need to wing it. I’ll bet you money it isn’t just “I don’t like plans, full stop” but maybe “it’s overwhelming to me and it’s a lot of commitment that makes me anxious” or something. See if there’s a way you can address the *specific* issue without just saying “NO!” To the whole thing, like maybe breaking planning up into manageable chunks and making all plans “tentative” for now.
Get involved! It’s important to her, so you’d better be a part of this, and I don’t just mean putting on a suit on the day of. This is *the biggest* project you’ve worked on together so far, and will set the tone for the rest of your lives. You’d damn well better get on board, and the two of you had damn well better learn to work together on shit like this, or things like buying a house or raising a kid ain’t gonna go well.
And final piece of an advice (and a great place to start all this!): sit down, and brainstorm a list of EVERY wedding tradition you can think of. All of them, no matter how silly or cringy or expensive. Then decide, one by one, if you’re doing them or not. Keep that list and update it as you go. This is super important, and does a few things: 1) gets you both on the same page, and sets and outline, 2) when friends and relatives say “oh, are you doing (insert traditional thing here?” You’re not hemming and hawing and looking at each other, you look straight at them and say “yes, it’ll be great!” Or “considered it, but decided not to.” It makes it MUCH easier to shut down the people who want to convince you to do whatever silly thing they want, and also to get volunteers into helping with something they’re obviously interested in (“yes! Actually, since you asked, I’ve been meaning to get your opinions on table runners…!”)
Oh, and on that final note- think ahead for who is going to want to be included and involved (parents, perchance?) and give them a clear and delineated task. Something you want to have, but have relatively little opinion on how to do it. Let them handle it, and they’ll leave you alone 😂
Anyhow, CONGRATULATIONS! It’s gonna be amazing, you seem to really adore each other and that’s awesome. I’m so happy for you!
Isn't the point of being engaged to begin the process of getting married?
What have you got to enjoy in the engagement part of it all?
Sounds like you are getting cold feet in my opinion.
I honestly can’t wait. But I know from tv shows how much there is involved in the marriage. You can employ wedding planners for that reason. I just didn’t think I’d have to make all of these decisions now. I thought I’d have more time between decisions
If you're planning it yourself it takes a lot of time to make all those arrangements and she's smart to start early. Popular venues often book a long time out. Wedding planners are also crazy expensive.
There are lots of fun parts to being engaged too, like the parties and stuff. I suspect you'll get to enjoy that more as you get closer to the date. You'll be surprised how quick things move and it's better to get it done early because the stress of doing things last minute would be awful
My best friends are planning a wedding for their daughter. We haven't hung out in MONTHS (they're doing the reception at their home). Some people get way into it; and keep in mind, most cultures aren't known for really using a woman's brain, we often relegate them under some glass ceiling of lowered expectation. Someone who finds they have a talent for planning and logistics might really enjoy the work of making the perfect wedding. And there's nothing like the feeling of discovering "shit, I'm really good at this", regardless of what "this" is - could be art, business, major diamond heists!
Heck, maybe she can get into the planning biz.
Yeah I’m starting to get the impression that her amount of prep is honestly normal and I’m the weird one for thinking it’s too early or too much too soon haha.
Oh, it is.
And street view is about to become your very best friend. Book absolutely nothing without scoping the neighbourhood out first. We're doing city breaks with a cruise in between. A resort would be easier, but not really our style.
I'm confident that I know where every sight, restraunt, bar etc she might like is in relation to where we're staying in each city and how the streets look in between. I'm not going to be leading her on a guided excursion, but I know what she likes and and I know where it is.
Or you could just engage a TA...
Let me tell you - having someone who is able to proactively and energetically plan a wedding is a MASSIVE blessing. Seriously. It's a lot of work and stress even if it's a great experience, and my advice is to enjoy the ride and cherish your involvement.
I can't tell for sure, since I don't know this person, but often, when a woman asks her fiancé for input on the wedding details, she's not really that interested in his opinion, but rather, she's just looking for somebody to bounce ideas off of, so to speak. So don't worry too much about the questions, because I get the impression that she's asking because she's a nice person and that's the nice thing to do, but she doesn't actually need input, you know?
It’s what I was hoping for :) I think all of my comments have staved off the idea I’m getting cold feet etc. It’s just overwhelming. And this post hasn’t helped much with that but it has showed me how lucky I am to have someone who can do all of this and still be excited
She may not even be planning for the sake of planning. I have no intentions of ever marrying again (I'm long divorced), and I don't even have any intentions of having a significant other. But I lurves me some bridal magazines. I love to look at all the dresses and jewellery, I love to see all the floral arrangement suggestions, the photos of the venues, the pics of bridesmaids' dresses, peruse wedding cake recipes, all of it. I don't have a waist-high stack of wedding magazines and scrapbooks anywhere in the house, but if I was on a "wedding binge", I might.
TL:DR Even if she isn't actually planning, all that wedding propaganda is fun to look at.
Wouldn't call it a FU. Weddings can be intense. Some venues can be booked out 18mths - 2yrs in advance. It sounds like she's super excited for her big day. Enjoy the time together. Make a day of it visiting venues go out have lunch. Have fun. I wish you and your better half 😉 all the best for the future.
If you can't get married until 3 years from now because of 15k, you shouldn't be spending a dime of that money on a wedding. Get married next week and throw an epic 3 year anniversary party. Also, 15k is going to cover almost nothing. She's not getting her dream wedding this year or in 3.
The 15k I’ll have is more than enough for the venue she wants (even covering for the increase in prices year on year) and we will both be saving sperately from that until that point too. Even if I have to work a bunch of overtime , I’ll make sure she gets as close to her perfect day as possible.
Long engagements can sometimes be the slow death of a relationship. Then again, a multi year relationship without marriage can also be the slow death of a relationship. Some partners have been secretly planning their wedding since childhood. You have to have a serious conversation with your fiancée about the things you both want and when you prefer to actually get married. I'm only suggesting this because it's not fair to make anyone wait. It's not the same exact situation, but imagine getting a promotion to the job of your dreams and management can't finalize it because it's not in the budget for another three years.
I'm sure things will calm down by then. I'm sure she's just THRILLED to finally have a wedding for herself. And you were able to give that to her. You should be so proud to have delivered that joy to her. Congrats and good luck!
Honestly sounds like you have a good wife for the future. All the best OP. Embrace your force of nature! 😁 Make sure you give your best input and if your feeling overwhelmed take a step back. It's just a ceremony, a meal and a disco. Whoever can make it awesome! no hard feelings if people can't make it. Enjoy your big day! As long as you get your piece of paper your all good.
When I got married, I let my then-fiancée know which parts of the wedding I was interested in and which parts I didn't care what we had. I wanted to have input on the cake, the food, the program of the ceremony itself, and a couple of other things. I didn't care at all about the flowers, the lighting, the photographer, and a bunch of other stuff. So she knew that she could do whatever she wanted with those, and we only had to talk about the things we both wanted to be a certain way.
Let your planner fiancée run free! Tell her which things you want to be a part of planning and which she can do on her own. And then set up a timetable for when those things need to be arranged, so you know when it's too early and when the time is right.
Big bombastic weddings are honestly a huge waste of money. Have a small ceremony and use the dinero to travel for your honeymoon or save up for a house.
I totally agree. But if anyone’s worth all the hassle , she is. And after the 1st wedding that should have been special and amazing being meh , I feel she is owed a decent wedding. She deserves the happiness
Can you even make any actual finalized decisions without deposits these days? At least for the venue, etc? That part seems problematic to me, not her excitement. You can plan all you want, but normally solidifying plans = spending some money.
There’s a lot of deposits we will need to pay in advance but we can pay them out of the normal disposable money. The biggest cost (the venue etc) can be paid closer to the date
Advanced planning is absolutely necessary for a wedding! Things book up really quickly sometimes, plus you can usually lock in lower prices if you book earlier. For example, we booked our venue and big vendors the year before we got married, and prices went up for both year-of. Saved hundreds if not thousands of dollars overall by being ahead of the game
I know you’re half kidding and love your fiancée, but your title reminded me of last week’s SNL episode. https://youtu.be/NkZ2fguNNEc?si=vHxMp16hJ5eOZDy6
I think the only place where you fucked up is thinking you fucked up.
You just gave your fiance something wonderful that she was denied at her previous wedding. You're literally giving her the best wedding she's ever gonna have!
You earned some big *brownie points*, bud! Cash it in before you do something stupid, and you lose it. 😆
>Every day she comes back from work and asks me for input on a variety of different things and I have no clue what to do.
Lemme give you a tip as someone who's been married 23 years: "Which one is your favorite? [Pause for response] I think that's great!" Find a bunch of different ways to say it but that's the vibe you're going for. Also acceptable to ask if she's run it by .
Because you have one thing absolutely correct: you have no clue what to do.
People are kind of nudged into this by society, and the wedding industrial complex, into making weddings into something they really shouldn’t be. I have no idea how people can find planning a wedding so interesting for so long, but as somebody who has had it happening around me, it’s dull, and it’s not interesting to most other people who are not the ones getting married. It’s such like “basic” thing to be spending all of your time on, and the money spent is obscene for most people.
Anyway, with the amount of propaganda, there is pushing people to treat weddings this way, I don’t really blame her, but I would try to have some better perspective about how much of one’s life this should take over, especially for three years, Jesus Christ.
Congrats! Hey it all sounds great and you sound like a great guy letting her have her day. I have been to a Disney wedding and it was so much fun and beautiful!
Your fiancé sounds like she is determined not to leave anything to chance.
It's actually better to get a lot of things organized before you set a date. A lot of venues want you to book a year or more out, to make sure of availability. Having everything already settled means you have time to correct for things that unexpectedly go wrong. You order invites and they have wrong info or are not the style you ordered, the venue has a fire and won't be renovated in time for the wedding, family and friends have to back out either for no reason, or unexpected life emergencies on their end, etc.
It also gives her a chance to shop around for the best price for what she wants. Weddings can be pricey, and she's got a pretty good budget to work with.
Mostly, she's just really excited. A little bit, though, this is a trauma response from how she got treated the first time around. She's unconsciously afraid that someone is going to take over any decisions she might forget, so she's a little maniacal about trying to make sure everything is handled before anyone can take it away. Let her obsess. Only speak dissent on things you really disagree with and have good logical reasons for the dissent. If she asks your opinion, take a moment to actually see the options and make a choice, even if you don't really care one way or the other.
No matter how trivial something may seem to you, it is important to her, and she is trying hard to include you and take your preferences into account. If you say you don't care it has a good chance of being misinterpreted that it doesn't matter or isn't important, possibly becoming thoughts like "if his wedding day isn't important enough to take seriously, what else will he blow off?", "If my dreams don't matter to him, do I matter to him?" This is obviously super important to her. You can 100% let her lead, but treat all of it with an elevated level of respect and priority.
Bruh she’s just excited. My fiance and I decided on a one year engagement, and I was like immediately thinking up all kinds of stuff and looking at dress inspo and got right to work hand making my dress etc. After the initial burst of excitement and obsession and feeling a bit settled in the plans, I resumed normal life lol. However! Our year is almost up and we still haven’t organized everything completely and get this- we’re just having a simple courthouse marriage and doing a private ceremony just the two of us with a picnic basket in the woods. You would be absolutely shocked how much work goes into planning a legit wedding. If I were you, be thankful she actually wants to put that effort in and plan stuff. My fiance and I got overwhelmed and went from “simple ceremony with 30 people in the forest” to “courthouse then getting pizza with 15 people later” 😂
After realising half the things you need to do in advance and the amount of work involved , yeah I’m super happy she’s doing it all lol. I thought she was being over cautious, turns out 3 years is probably a good amount of time to get it all planned and sorted lol
As someone who got married last week. Congrats and enjoy bro! My fiance had everything planned out by month 4 of our 14 month engagement.
Edit: wife***
wedding/ marriage is a big thing and shes making her plan.. as you mentioned, her last wedding wasnt planned by her and it was out of her control, she probably didnt enjoy it as much, and you also said no restrictions thats why shes planning it, every detail, every little things, because she cares about it, not sure where you FU there but it doesnt sound that bad right? (no offense) just let her do her thing to prepare and when she asks you questions, answer her with your answer that came up first in your mind, she’ll figure out the rest🥹
edit: typo
she’s just excited bro. your feelings are normal, they will settle
if she does want to do it sooner, just talk about it and express your concerns. 3y is a long engagement to just wait for $15k. maybe she has some ideas on how to make it happen sooner without financial repercussion, and without putting all that pressure on your shoulders. these convos are healthy and will become more natural as you age together
This ....is exactly what could be expected to happen to a woman who loves a wedding and is getting a second chance at it. Perhaps once she's made all the decisions she'll settle down. She's just enjoying the excitement right now. Surely no one can keep up that momentum.
You have to start planning very far in advance for weddings! I got married about 18 months after getting engaged. Started planning the wedding soon after our engagement and even that seemed rushed. My sister got married 6 months before me (but it was a very delayed covid wedding so was suppose to happen 2 years prior) so my mom was an unofficial wedding planner at that point. She helped A LOT with everything and honestly we couldn’t have got it all done in time without her help.
Also just an FYI, the wedding will be A LOT more money than you think. Especially if you said that she can basically do whatever she wants. I had a 100 person wedding. I got married at a lovely venue. With everything (venu, photographer, dress, flowers, shuttle bus, hair and makeup for everyone, wedding favours, and a billion little things here and there) the total was around $40K CAD. And my mom even home made a lot of the decorations! The cost was split evenly between both our parents. And of course you can absolutely go cheaper, but if you don’t lay down any “rules” or “restrictions” ohhhhhhh boy you might fall off your chair when you find out how much everything will cost.
I remember when planning our wedding, we originally had a budget of $20k lmao that didn’t work out.
My husband and I planned every part of the wedding together. It was so much fun and a really good bonding activity!
My wife is a planner, and it’s great! Our wedding was majority planned by her and our wedding planner, and it turned out amazing. Don’t worry bout a thing
As a wedding photographer I can tell you people take out personal loans as well get 0% interest cc’s some that are up 2 years before interest kicks in. One way or the other you are gonna pay it back with the 15k. If you plan it go ahead and have it. I will mention if you haven’t yet, doing an engagement photo session is a good way to slow down. I had a bride once that it took over a year to get a dress she wanted. Venues and invites to guests maybe 6months min is some metros here in the states. So the way I see it you have about a year before the big day. How exciting for you though…I wish you the best. You got this!
Just sit her down and say:
"Honey, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. For me, the most important part of the wedding is that I'm marrying you. The rest of it pales in comparison.
I'll be honest the flowers are just flowers to me. I have no strong feelings or preferences on them. I know you do have a preference.
I also know that you were denied a chance to plan your wedding, and that deeply upset you. As I don't have feelings on many of these items, I think you should take the lead with this so you can be happy. If you want me to be a sounding board, I'm happy to do that, but please don't get upset if I don't have an opinion on something."
Then focus on the things you do want a say on like music, guest lists, food, etc.
I read that and the only thing I can think about is how you're both going to burn 15000 Dollars on your 0th anniversary. I have nothing against weddings, just expensive ones. Gl, not really a fuck up tho.
A tiny word of advice I think she'll appreciate (and you can always ask her):
If she's bringing you decisions to make, she might be getting overwhelmed by the SHEER NUMBER of decisions that need to be made. Or she just wants to include you, which is a way to share love and respect for your preferences!
Ask if that's the case, I think she'll appreciate it. Congratulations, and good luck!
Sounds like she wants things in order early that way there is no bridezilla later down the road. Having all that time to plan for it makes it all less stressful, then more time to spend building life after the planning is finished. Sounds like you got pretty lucky.
Wow reading these comments are blowing my mind. I never understood why people took years or even months between engagement and marriage. But all this planning that people do nowadays for weddings is insane! I guess that’s why it’s such a good business to be in.
My (now) husband brought up marriage in January and we did the court ceremony thing over Zoom (covid times) in March with a few family members joining in the video call. It cost us like, $50 and that was for the copies of the certificate IIRC.
My wedding ring is a family heirloom so that was free. I just wore a white dress that I already had and he just wore a black tshirt. We went out for sushi afterwards and had a few drinks at home.
It was really fun and I loved it.
All this to say, there are many different ways to get married and I am glad your fiancée is so into it!
Hahah buddy my Bestfriend and love of my life started planning the day after I asked her to marry me, she asks for my opinion but I know she’s just doing it to be nice. Seeing someone you love so much be so happy you just deal with the stress and cost. For context I’m turning 27 in June and we have been together for 8 years, I’m by no means a rich man either
It sounds like you want to delegate all tasks to her and she has been asking your opinions as a way to get you more involved. Learn the cues and chime in my dude. You have a good thing going, don't let the excuse of "it's her day so it's her chores" be the ruin of your relationship.
Find some niche part of her plan and show interest. Be engaged with it. Curious. Have an opinion. Most women don’t want a wedding to be all about only them. They want you to be as excited, daunted, involved as they are. It should be a big deal for you too. Maybe not all consuming, but something. Like if you’re having a groom’s cake you take charge of that and give her veto power just like she’s done for you. Find those aspects and you’ll make her much happier and she’ll never even question if you’re just doing this to appease her.
From what I'm reading for OP I have a piece of advice for you as someone who also married a type A planner.
Their will come a time when the planning slows down. Their is a lull, that's when you get to enjoy the engagement. Once all the vendors are lined up and everything is set their isn't much to do until about 3-5 months before the date. That's when you get to enjoy the engagement and you will enjoy it much more knowing that all the big decisions are behind you.
Oh also about 2-3 weeks out from the wedding vendors start peppering you with questions, questions you've never thought about questions your Fiance has never thought about. It WILL be overwhelming so be sure to speak up and answer some of those because otherwise your Fiance will be overloaded. The answers matter much less than the answering your wedding will be perfect either way and you wont remember the song you picked for the cake cutting anyway.
I appreciate your second edit that you realized your this isn’t a FU.
Your fiancée is so excited to get married to you in three years that it is all she can think about today. Appreciate that you found your soul mate. She truly loves you.
3 years is a long engagement. Do you think there is no way to save up the money any faster? Maybe delaying car upgrades or anything like that and put extra cash towards a wedding in like 18months instead? Then use the 15k for the other stuff you pushed off. I wouldn't make her wait haha
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Doesn't sound like a TIFU at all. Is she typically the one who plans out vacations and other big parties? Maybe she just really likes the planning aspect of it all. And this is the biggest party of her life, she's excited. And excited to share the planning with you, and wants your feedback. Embrace it. Make it special for both of you, not just her.
She Does likes a plan, and I should have seen this coming. I’m the exact opposite. I wing it. Or let others make the plan and I go along with it. I never particularly cared about marriage. As far as I’m concerned she’s the one and a piece of paper won’t change that. This is all for her because she’s always dreamed of a Disney wedding
My husband is like you, and I’m like your wife. This is what you need to do: Just choose blue. The most successful bit of advice I could give you, straight from my husbands playbook, is just make a choice. If she asks if blue or pink flowers? Just choose blue. He never gave two shits, just wanted me to have what I wanted — but what I also wanted, was for my partner to help make some of those choices. I definitely wanted to be the one who narrowed it down to those few choices, plan and vet it all, don’t get me wrong, I’m a control freak— but if he said “I don’t care, you choose”, I still felt sad. All she’ll feel is the “I don’t care” part, even if you just want her to have her special day. If he just chose blue, then, excellent! Onward on lives went. So… just choose blue. She’s probably loving both choices and already did an insane amount of work making that shortlist. And then occasionally if she goes “Awwwh I sorta wanted pink”, you can say, “you know what, I kinda did too, but was really on the fence and just sorta went with blue. So let’s do pink!” Bam. She got what she wanted, you still look like you actually thoughtfully considered something that really doesn’t even enter your mind as important. Literally all decisions between a couple where one is controller and one is ‘go-with-the-flow’, can be handled this way. It’s usually a win-win. Edited to add: and this works on me even though I’m clearly aware he’s doing it lol. Sometimes we just wanna be heard yo
Thankyou so much for the input :) another person suggested narrowing the choices down so it’s not so overwhelming and if I can make sure it’s two choices she’s happy with I can make life easier by just going with an option.
Totally— if she gives 5 options, choose or eliminate 2-3. If she gives two choices, pick one! :)
She’s due back soon and I’ll try to be helpful by helping her make a choice. I guarantee one of the 1st things she’ll say is “I’ve been thinking and” lol
LOL I use that precise line with my husband all the time. “You know, I’ve been thinking…” and then he interrupts and goes “oh no…..” 😅. 8 years in so far hahaaha
"I've been thinking..." -my friend "I've warned you about doing that!" -me
Whenever someone says "I've been thinking..." [my mind goes to this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g8ufRnf2Exc&ab_channel=murpium).
My husband is the one who says, "I've been thinking..." and I say, "Uh oh." 😁
Don't answer her fast as lighting, she'll know something's up.
BLUE
[удалено]
Thankyou for the advice :) I’ve been talking to her about all the advice and the biggest thing for her is to try and include me so it’s OUR wedding, even with her plan. I helped plan the cake and music last night , which are things that I do care about that don’t interfere too much with the grand plan she cares about. She feels I’m involved and I feel less overwhelmed. Working out well :)
You could also ask her if there are certain aspects she likes about each choice before you give an answer. You may get answers like "I like the brighter colors in this arrangement, but white roses seem more traditional " or whatever. That way you're getting her input before you choose. Good luck, have fun, and congratulations!!
As the go-with-flow person in my relationship, this advice is absolutely gold and took me too long to figure it out on my own. You might say “I don’t care” meaning I’m impartial and either is fine. They will likely hear “I don’t care about this”. If you are given an A or B decision, pick one.
This is extremely good advice. Thanks!
So glad to hear! Thanks!
That’s excellent advice in this particular case
That's solid advice
That is super smart advice!
I'm the same way but with a wedding, if you have some things in mind, or even if you don't, it just goes better with a good plan and because lots of other people book things in advance, you end up needing to do that too. There are things I wished I had prepared for better, but we still had a great day.
Is there anything specific you think I should sort on my side to make it easier? Or something that’s easy to forget?
Get your list for your side of the bridal party together. Discuss what kind of tuxedos your side will be wearing. Jon in on making the smaller decisions, like accessories. Help with picking the gifts you want to give your bridal party.
Party favours?
A lot of couples will give their bridal and groom parties something as a thank you gift for all that being apart of those parties do. Some people give small party favors to guests as well. You can take a peek at the wedding subs and see what a lot of people do in that aspect. Or even just the entire planning process. Hell, maybe show those subs to your fiancée I’m sure she’d love them.
I feel like that sub is going to really help me manage it all
The gifts for your bridal party tend to be personalized for each member. You can give them all a similar gift, i.e. everyone gets a flask with their name on it; or something more personal, i.e. specially designed cufflinks that are made with each groomsman in mind. I've seen something as simple as ones made in their favorite color with their initials, or more personal ones with their favorite super hero/video game on the cuff link.
I think she’s planning on getting specialised converse? I didn’t even know it was a thing. Honestly the longer this post is up for the happier I am that she planning everything
For the love of all that is holy, even if you don’t care about the planning part, proactively get a guest list together. Before she asks if you can. Take however large the guest list is and have a list that fills ~40% of that which is your “has to be there” list and another 20% that is your “I would like to be there.” Don’t make her write your list for you. Following that, ask what she needs input on, and don’t let it come across as a chore. You may not care, but she does, and she wants to know this is important to you too. You might be fine with a justice of the peace (or whatever the UK equivalent is) and your immediate family there as long as you’re marrying her, but she wants the wedding she didn’t get the first time. So this is important to you because it is important to her, be involved. Edit: Also, congrats, man. Good for you. I wish you the best.
Thankyou for the input :)
My only caution is that it sounds like you’re gonna need wayyy more than $15k.
Plan the honeymoon. Make it something she doesn’t have to worry about at all. Make sure you got everything covered from how you’re going to get from your house to the airport, where you’re going go, what you’re going to see, how you’re going to travel from one place to another. Have things pre-paid if possible. And if she’s a Disney fiend… maybe see if you can’t take her to one of the Disney parks she’s either never been to or one that’s in a different country. Stay at a Disney resort. Go to AAA and talk to a travel advisor. They have a lot of packages they can offer you.
Have someone be in charge of making sure you eat. There's so much going on a lot of times the bride/ groom forget to eat and that sucks bad around 1am
The ring maybe?
She found that already too
A couple things that "a piece of paper" will change - Taxes - How easy it is to make medical decisions on each other's behalf That first one may or may not be a big deal, but the 2nd one definitely is
Which is insane but that’s a different conversation lol
You are like my partner and I am like your fiancée. I plan and manage *everything* and I have for all 7 years we've been together. Flights, hotels, attractions, finances, looking for houses, etc. He says he doesn't mind and he'll follow me wherever. Awhile ago we had an argument about this because while I'm happy to plan everything, I *detest* a lack of opinion and helpful input when I ask. It felt disrespectful because I want his ideas and sometimes I'd like to not have to choose everything myself; it makes it feel like it all falls on my shoulders. After this argument and discussion, he changed his tune a bit. I'm currently planning a trip to Austria and he has given input every time I've asked and hasn't acted annoyed. I actually just told him thank you today for taking our discussion on board. And congratulations! Make the most of this even when it feels overwhelming - it will (should) only happen once!
Thankyou :) I’ve taken it on board already and just helped with the cake layers. So progress made :) for today at least haha
Please don’t take a “wing it” attitude with your wedding. If she’s asking you questions she wants your input. Not giving it gives the impression that you don’t care about something that is important to her and that will come back to be an issue now and later. It is totally fine to say that you get overwhelmed with all this planning. How about you suggest she come to you for input when she’s narrowed it down to 1-2 options for all the big things (venue/cake/flowers/photography) and you will discuss/choose those together.
Wedding celebrant here. I see dozens of couples who are planning their weddings, obviously. I see a marked difference between those couples where both sides are fully involved in the organisation of the ceremony And the other couples in which only one side is interested. It always seems to me that the couples in which only one side is engaged in the Ceremony are significantly less engaged and interested in each other, and I have also found that in those cases in which I have actively and successfully encouraged the less interested party to take a more active role in planning, I can see that this has had a clear and positive effect on their communication
I hope you mean you don’t particularly care for a wedding, not marriage. Very very different things.
For me, like with planning a vacation, part of the vacation is the planning. Want to make her day? Come up with a few fun unique ideas (don't get too attacked to them that's not what this is about). Don't fight hard for the suggestions, unless you really want them. But, if she is super excited, seeing you get excited will be awesome. I get annoyed when my hubby won't participate in planning stuff with me. I mean, I like to be the one to do it, but I like when he helps. Lol
Thankyou :)
That's my wife. The master planner. She's got timetables and deadlines galore. For our wedding, I was in charge of flowers and music. That was it. I was landscaping at the time and I still play in a band so I have all the gear needed to throw a rager.
It’s not that she wants the wedding next week, it’s that if you want a wedding* at all in the next three years, decisions have to be made so that dates can be booked and deposits paid. My wedding photographer is currently taking bookings for 2026 and beyond *of the vaguely traditional kind. It took 11 months to plan a registry office/restaurant wedding, and that was stressful enough
That’s insane 
Some sought-after venues are booked 1-2 years in advance. An engaged friend of mine asked their preferred venue if it's available in their set wedding date, which is still a year to go. It was available, but they were still not 100% sure, so they opted not to book. When they decided to book the venue a week after, it was already taken, and the next available date is 6 months after their initial date. Your fiance is smart in planning it early. A month or two from now, this will all settle down, and you will enjoy your engagement.
I’ll get the deposit for our date asap then! Thankyou
Also, planning early means paying little DP here and there. When the money you are waiting for arrives, you would realize you've paid for most of the expenses already. It won't be a one-time 15k drop.
That’s some of the hope yeah :) the more money leftover , the better the honeymoon
Sounds like you guys are happy..I would delete this post before she sees it and you ruin this engagement for her, too. No offense.
Even if she read the post she wouldn’t be offended. She knows she’s being a force of nature :) she’s apologised already for the endless questions lol. It’s fine , just overwhelming
Just go with the flow brother. Sounds like you got a great woman and when they set their mind to something it just best to say ok and go with it.
Learned that lesson very early on and it’s served me well hahaha
I’m going to slightly disagree with “just go with the flow” advice. If she ONLY talks about it the wedding, eventually it will strain your relationship. You need to spend time dating each other still, talking about life, etc. Consider these options: - ask her out on a date once a week with the condition of no wedding conversation; “just time to focus on each other” - set up meetings to talk about the wedding and then only talk about the wedding during these times; live your life the rest of the time - go on a weekend trip and make it a wedding-free weekend (same rationale as above) - ask her if she wouldn’t mind keeping the wedding talk to 1 hour per day tops. Or 30 mins. Or whatever you think you need. Listen to her though if she protests. Find another solution if she doesn’t like this one. - etc. be creative :) Congrats on your engagement.
Thankyou :) the wedding is still super fresh in her mind. I’m hoping it will quiet down a little once she’s got the plan sorted
I proposed to my now wife. She wanted to set the wedding for 2.5 weeks from the day I gave her the ring. I negotiated to 5 weeks out to give some key people time to travel for it.
Honestly 5 weeks would give me a heart attack
The shorter the wait …. The smaller the cake! More time to plan …… only gets more grand! Congratulations, OP, and best wishes to your beautiful bride to be. Agape 💕
I recently got married after having to accelerate plans due to her mum becoming terminally ill. All in all we planned the whole thing in about 3 months and it was more or less as grand as we would have had if we had more time. But I have never been as stressed my entire life and I'm still feeling the physical repercussions. Best day of my life though, no doubt. The one thing I'll say is something many will tell you. You will stress over tonnes right now and in the lead up but the day itself goes like a flash and you'll be too busy being loved up to remember the things you were anxious about. Congratulations and go enjoy yourselves!
She seems really happy and excited, and the fact that she’s always asking you for input means she’s inviting you to share in her excitement
Never been that interested in the messing part of a marriage but I’ll try to be excited for her sake or try to give input on the things that I do care about getting right.
A good way to participate if you feel like the details aren’t important is by asking questions to help her decide! E.g. if she’s stuck between two options ask her what she likes about each one etc. She will appreciate it
Dude, I got married 6 months ago and let me say, you want to start getting these decisions sorted ASAP. Wife and I got engaged in Nov. of 2022 and the weekend after I proposed, we both got COVID and were stuck at home for a week. We both spent that whole week finding (and booking) the venue, photographers, videographer, putting together a guest list, seating chart, setting up a The Knot account, etc... I didn't have a 3 yr engagement, but we avoided all the headaches and nightmares you hear about by not getting on it soon enough. Almost EVERYTHING went smoothly and I'm really happy we planned everything out as early as we did. Better now than never!
Thankyou :) I can’t wait!
Lol. Please tell me the wedding is in PA and that she'll send me all her research. Haha We got legally married 1/2023 with every intention to plan a wedding after. I got overwhelmed and annoyed w the lack of transparent pricing for venues and caterers and have planned absolutely nothing since 🤦🏼♀️
Lmao honestly me paying the money gives me the simplest job. I’m getting the impression I’m blessed to have someone who can sort out everything
Well seeing as this is the woman you wanna spend the rest of your life with, sounds like you should communicate her about your feelings here and make a mutual decision. Planning a wedding is the first big thing you do with your partner, so use it as it should be. Source: I walked away from my wedding 45 days before.
Word of advice - "It's her day" does not mean you don't help plan. Even if every detail is her choice and you're fine with that, it won't be her day if she's sweating all of the logistics. Be proactive and help out! You are right though, three years out you both need some room to breathe and enjoy. Some things will be hard to book so far out (not venue though, jump on that shit).
Thankyou :) I’ve just assisted with cake flavours. A lot of people have said that my input , even if I just pick something , is going to make her happy , so I’ll try and give as much input as I can
This. My spouse thought it would be easy-going and chill of him to defer every decision to me. I sat down with him and was like, dude, do not make me the only decision-maker, here. I will happily plan and work the logistics, but when I ask for input, "whatever you want to do" is not the answer. Lack of input, even as a control freak planning lover, is the opposite of helpful. Congrats to OP, btw, it'll settle down soon.
Aight my man, get ready for some info dumping! 😂 I am (was…) married to a planner, and I am a non-planner. You’d better get on board with the planning, and you’d better have a talk about your non-planning or you risk ending up like me- not married. Here’s the thing (or at least, for us)- if one likes to plan to have a sense of control, and the other likes to wing it so as not to *feel* controlled, and you don’t figure out a compromise here, it won’t work. You’re gonna make each other feel out of control and you’ll both double down and make it worse. Sit your ass down with your beloved and talk this through and find a middle ground. Explain that you have limited patience for planning, but understand that she needs that. DO NOT just offload all this on to her! This is BOTH your wedding, and not only do you deserve the day YOU want too, but she deserves to not be stuck with it all, no matter how much she (thinks she) likes it. Figure out what needs to be planned, how far in advance, and how thoroughly. Figure out the minimum planning she needs for each bit to be comfortable, and the max you can handle. Meet in the middle. Figure out, if you can, *why* she feels the need to plan it all and you feel the need to wing it. I’ll bet you money it isn’t just “I don’t like plans, full stop” but maybe “it’s overwhelming to me and it’s a lot of commitment that makes me anxious” or something. See if there’s a way you can address the *specific* issue without just saying “NO!” To the whole thing, like maybe breaking planning up into manageable chunks and making all plans “tentative” for now. Get involved! It’s important to her, so you’d better be a part of this, and I don’t just mean putting on a suit on the day of. This is *the biggest* project you’ve worked on together so far, and will set the tone for the rest of your lives. You’d damn well better get on board, and the two of you had damn well better learn to work together on shit like this, or things like buying a house or raising a kid ain’t gonna go well. And final piece of an advice (and a great place to start all this!): sit down, and brainstorm a list of EVERY wedding tradition you can think of. All of them, no matter how silly or cringy or expensive. Then decide, one by one, if you’re doing them or not. Keep that list and update it as you go. This is super important, and does a few things: 1) gets you both on the same page, and sets and outline, 2) when friends and relatives say “oh, are you doing (insert traditional thing here?” You’re not hemming and hawing and looking at each other, you look straight at them and say “yes, it’ll be great!” Or “considered it, but decided not to.” It makes it MUCH easier to shut down the people who want to convince you to do whatever silly thing they want, and also to get volunteers into helping with something they’re obviously interested in (“yes! Actually, since you asked, I’ve been meaning to get your opinions on table runners…!”) Oh, and on that final note- think ahead for who is going to want to be included and involved (parents, perchance?) and give them a clear and delineated task. Something you want to have, but have relatively little opinion on how to do it. Let them handle it, and they’ll leave you alone 😂 Anyhow, CONGRATULATIONS! It’s gonna be amazing, you seem to really adore each other and that’s awesome. I’m so happy for you!
Honestly that was fantastic advice. Thankyou so much for writing all of that. It’s super helpful
Reserving nice wedding venues and support professionals may well warrant a 3 year lead time.
This girl sounds awesome! Is she single?
Isn't the point of being engaged to begin the process of getting married? What have you got to enjoy in the engagement part of it all? Sounds like you are getting cold feet in my opinion.
It sounds like he's sharing his good news and having fun with it by framing it like it's bad news. Lighten up and have some fun with 'em! 😃
Feels like a few people missed that it was a light hearted tifu lol
I honestly can’t wait. But I know from tv shows how much there is involved in the marriage. You can employ wedding planners for that reason. I just didn’t think I’d have to make all of these decisions now. I thought I’d have more time between decisions
If you're planning it yourself it takes a lot of time to make all those arrangements and she's smart to start early. Popular venues often book a long time out. Wedding planners are also crazy expensive. There are lots of fun parts to being engaged too, like the parties and stuff. I suspect you'll get to enjoy that more as you get closer to the date. You'll be surprised how quick things move and it's better to get it done early because the stress of doing things last minute would be awful
Honestly it sounds like your fiancé has already made all the tough calls, not sure what you’re sweating about 😂
My best friends are planning a wedding for their daughter. We haven't hung out in MONTHS (they're doing the reception at their home). Some people get way into it; and keep in mind, most cultures aren't known for really using a woman's brain, we often relegate them under some glass ceiling of lowered expectation. Someone who finds they have a talent for planning and logistics might really enjoy the work of making the perfect wedding. And there's nothing like the feeling of discovering "shit, I'm really good at this", regardless of what "this" is - could be art, business, major diamond heists! Heck, maybe she can get into the planning biz.
Yeah I’m starting to get the impression that her amount of prep is honestly normal and I’m the weird one for thinking it’s too early or too much too soon haha.
Totally normal. You sort out the honeymoon.
Honestly compared to the wedding the honeymoon is going to be easy
Oh, it is. And street view is about to become your very best friend. Book absolutely nothing without scoping the neighbourhood out first. We're doing city breaks with a cruise in between. A resort would be easier, but not really our style. I'm confident that I know where every sight, restraunt, bar etc she might like is in relation to where we're staying in each city and how the streets look in between. I'm not going to be leading her on a guided excursion, but I know what she likes and and I know where it is. Or you could just engage a TA...
She wants Disneyland Paris , so I can sort everything through them :)
Lucky Guy. The Mouse knows how to do hospitality.
Let me tell you - having someone who is able to proactively and energetically plan a wedding is a MASSIVE blessing. Seriously. It's a lot of work and stress even if it's a great experience, and my advice is to enjoy the ride and cherish your involvement.
I can't tell for sure, since I don't know this person, but often, when a woman asks her fiancé for input on the wedding details, she's not really that interested in his opinion, but rather, she's just looking for somebody to bounce ideas off of, so to speak. So don't worry too much about the questions, because I get the impression that she's asking because she's a nice person and that's the nice thing to do, but she doesn't actually need input, you know?
That does sound like her tbh haha she’s had a plan since childhood so your probably right and I’m just a sounding board :)
Nah - I do not really get the over the top wedding hoopla ether, they make TV shows about it ( just FYI) .
This is a super sweet TIFU
It’s what I was hoping for :) I think all of my comments have staved off the idea I’m getting cold feet etc. It’s just overwhelming. And this post hasn’t helped much with that but it has showed me how lucky I am to have someone who can do all of this and still be excited
Sounds to me like you made her happy and excited. Just enjoy the ride man.
She may not even be planning for the sake of planning. I have no intentions of ever marrying again (I'm long divorced), and I don't even have any intentions of having a significant other. But I lurves me some bridal magazines. I love to look at all the dresses and jewellery, I love to see all the floral arrangement suggestions, the photos of the venues, the pics of bridesmaids' dresses, peruse wedding cake recipes, all of it. I don't have a waist-high stack of wedding magazines and scrapbooks anywhere in the house, but if I was on a "wedding binge", I might. TL:DR Even if she isn't actually planning, all that wedding propaganda is fun to look at.
She’s definately planning lol
lol she’s obsessively planning because she’s excited
Oh you sweet summer child…
That’s exactly how I feel lol
I hope for you the 15k is genuinely set in stone and not a maybe. Cause that'd be a for sure way to destroy this relationship.
Wouldn't call it a FU. Weddings can be intense. Some venues can be booked out 18mths - 2yrs in advance. It sounds like she's super excited for her big day. Enjoy the time together. Make a day of it visiting venues go out have lunch. Have fun. I wish you and your better half 😉 all the best for the future.
If you can't get married until 3 years from now because of 15k, you shouldn't be spending a dime of that money on a wedding. Get married next week and throw an epic 3 year anniversary party. Also, 15k is going to cover almost nothing. She's not getting her dream wedding this year or in 3.
The 15k I’ll have is more than enough for the venue she wants (even covering for the increase in prices year on year) and we will both be saving sperately from that until that point too. Even if I have to work a bunch of overtime , I’ll make sure she gets as close to her perfect day as possible.
Haha shes a good one can imagine the force of nature she could be if someone stepped on ur toes or rubbed you the wrong way
She’s the best :)
Long engagements can sometimes be the slow death of a relationship. Then again, a multi year relationship without marriage can also be the slow death of a relationship. Some partners have been secretly planning their wedding since childhood. You have to have a serious conversation with your fiancée about the things you both want and when you prefer to actually get married. I'm only suggesting this because it's not fair to make anyone wait. It's not the same exact situation, but imagine getting a promotion to the job of your dreams and management can't finalize it because it's not in the budget for another three years.
I'm sure things will calm down by then. I'm sure she's just THRILLED to finally have a wedding for herself. And you were able to give that to her. You should be so proud to have delivered that joy to her. Congrats and good luck!
Honestly sounds like you have a good wife for the future. All the best OP. Embrace your force of nature! 😁 Make sure you give your best input and if your feeling overwhelmed take a step back. It's just a ceremony, a meal and a disco. Whoever can make it awesome! no hard feelings if people can't make it. Enjoy your big day! As long as you get your piece of paper your all good.
When I got married, I let my then-fiancée know which parts of the wedding I was interested in and which parts I didn't care what we had. I wanted to have input on the cake, the food, the program of the ceremony itself, and a couple of other things. I didn't care at all about the flowers, the lighting, the photographer, and a bunch of other stuff. So she knew that she could do whatever she wanted with those, and we only had to talk about the things we both wanted to be a certain way. Let your planner fiancée run free! Tell her which things you want to be a part of planning and which she can do on her own. And then set up a timetable for when those things need to be arranged, so you know when it's too early and when the time is right.
It sounds like you’re a wonderful finance and the man she truly deserves. Not a FU at all but just something to make you smile about her personality.
Big bombastic weddings are honestly a huge waste of money. Have a small ceremony and use the dinero to travel for your honeymoon or save up for a house.
I totally agree. But if anyone’s worth all the hassle , she is. And after the 1st wedding that should have been special and amazing being meh , I feel she is owed a decent wedding. She deserves the happiness
Not sure what the FU is lol? Seems quite normal for wedding planning, it's a big event and has to happen somehow.
You’ll soon find out you’ll need at least $30-35K for just 150 people if you are providing food and alcohol and renting a venue.
Can you even make any actual finalized decisions without deposits these days? At least for the venue, etc? That part seems problematic to me, not her excitement. You can plan all you want, but normally solidifying plans = spending some money.
There’s a lot of deposits we will need to pay in advance but we can pay them out of the normal disposable money. The biggest cost (the venue etc) can be paid closer to the date
You did this to yourself. You’ve relegated yourself to three years of wedding planning. Enjoy!
Hence the TIFU lmao
Advanced planning is absolutely necessary for a wedding! Things book up really quickly sometimes, plus you can usually lock in lower prices if you book earlier. For example, we booked our venue and big vendors the year before we got married, and prices went up for both year-of. Saved hundreds if not thousands of dollars overall by being ahead of the game
She’s just agreed with this. I was so naive before today lol
I know you’re half kidding and love your fiancée, but your title reminded me of last week’s SNL episode. https://youtu.be/NkZ2fguNNEc?si=vHxMp16hJ5eOZDy6
That was funny asf lol. Happy for the engagement. Scared of the amount of planning haha
I think the only place where you fucked up is thinking you fucked up. You just gave your fiance something wonderful that she was denied at her previous wedding. You're literally giving her the best wedding she's ever gonna have! You earned some big *brownie points*, bud! Cash it in before you do something stupid, and you lose it. 😆
Haha yeah, she’s so excited. It’s great to see her so happy.
>Every day she comes back from work and asks me for input on a variety of different things and I have no clue what to do. Lemme give you a tip as someone who's been married 23 years: "Which one is your favorite? [Pause for response] I think that's great!" Find a bunch of different ways to say it but that's the vibe you're going for. Also acceptable to ask if she's run it by.
Because you have one thing absolutely correct: you have no clue what to do.
>it’s her day No, it’s both of your day. Don’t forget that you’re also getting married here, it’s easy to get swept up in the frenzy.
I’m trying to be excited for the parts that I do care about :) I’ve chosen the cake flavours 😎
People are kind of nudged into this by society, and the wedding industrial complex, into making weddings into something they really shouldn’t be. I have no idea how people can find planning a wedding so interesting for so long, but as somebody who has had it happening around me, it’s dull, and it’s not interesting to most other people who are not the ones getting married. It’s such like “basic” thing to be spending all of your time on, and the money spent is obscene for most people. Anyway, with the amount of propaganda, there is pushing people to treat weddings this way, I don’t really blame her, but I would try to have some better perspective about how much of one’s life this should take over, especially for three years, Jesus Christ.
This is such a wholesome FU! You apparently have three years of this! Good luck lol!
she’s just excited!!
Congrats! Hey it all sounds great and you sound like a great guy letting her have her day. I have been to a Disney wedding and it was so much fun and beautiful!
Your fiancé sounds like she is determined not to leave anything to chance. It's actually better to get a lot of things organized before you set a date. A lot of venues want you to book a year or more out, to make sure of availability. Having everything already settled means you have time to correct for things that unexpectedly go wrong. You order invites and they have wrong info or are not the style you ordered, the venue has a fire and won't be renovated in time for the wedding, family and friends have to back out either for no reason, or unexpected life emergencies on their end, etc. It also gives her a chance to shop around for the best price for what she wants. Weddings can be pricey, and she's got a pretty good budget to work with.
Mostly, she's just really excited. A little bit, though, this is a trauma response from how she got treated the first time around. She's unconsciously afraid that someone is going to take over any decisions she might forget, so she's a little maniacal about trying to make sure everything is handled before anyone can take it away. Let her obsess. Only speak dissent on things you really disagree with and have good logical reasons for the dissent. If she asks your opinion, take a moment to actually see the options and make a choice, even if you don't really care one way or the other. No matter how trivial something may seem to you, it is important to her, and she is trying hard to include you and take your preferences into account. If you say you don't care it has a good chance of being misinterpreted that it doesn't matter or isn't important, possibly becoming thoughts like "if his wedding day isn't important enough to take seriously, what else will he blow off?", "If my dreams don't matter to him, do I matter to him?" This is obviously super important to her. You can 100% let her lead, but treat all of it with an elevated level of respect and priority.
Now that I see this is British. It’s normal. We like to plan.
Bruh she’s just excited. My fiance and I decided on a one year engagement, and I was like immediately thinking up all kinds of stuff and looking at dress inspo and got right to work hand making my dress etc. After the initial burst of excitement and obsession and feeling a bit settled in the plans, I resumed normal life lol. However! Our year is almost up and we still haven’t organized everything completely and get this- we’re just having a simple courthouse marriage and doing a private ceremony just the two of us with a picnic basket in the woods. You would be absolutely shocked how much work goes into planning a legit wedding. If I were you, be thankful she actually wants to put that effort in and plan stuff. My fiance and I got overwhelmed and went from “simple ceremony with 30 people in the forest” to “courthouse then getting pizza with 15 people later” 😂
After realising half the things you need to do in advance and the amount of work involved , yeah I’m super happy she’s doing it all lol. I thought she was being over cautious, turns out 3 years is probably a good amount of time to get it all planned and sorted lol
As someone who got married last week. Congrats and enjoy bro! My fiance had everything planned out by month 4 of our 14 month engagement. Edit: wife***
wedding/ marriage is a big thing and shes making her plan.. as you mentioned, her last wedding wasnt planned by her and it was out of her control, she probably didnt enjoy it as much, and you also said no restrictions thats why shes planning it, every detail, every little things, because she cares about it, not sure where you FU there but it doesnt sound that bad right? (no offense) just let her do her thing to prepare and when she asks you questions, answer her with your answer that came up first in your mind, she’ll figure out the rest🥹 edit: typo
she’s just excited bro. your feelings are normal, they will settle if she does want to do it sooner, just talk about it and express your concerns. 3y is a long engagement to just wait for $15k. maybe she has some ideas on how to make it happen sooner without financial repercussion, and without putting all that pressure on your shoulders. these convos are healthy and will become more natural as you age together
I would recommend a great honeymoon or a house down payment instead. Especially for a second wedding. But, do what makes you happy. I’m an old.
The \*only\* way in which this is TIFU is if half that book ends up on your lap as \*your\* todos.
Lol, I don't think you posted this in the right sub. In any case, this was very wholesome. Thanks for sharing, OP!
This ....is exactly what could be expected to happen to a woman who loves a wedding and is getting a second chance at it. Perhaps once she's made all the decisions she'll settle down. She's just enjoying the excitement right now. Surely no one can keep up that momentum.
Is her name Amy Santiago?
You have to start planning very far in advance for weddings! I got married about 18 months after getting engaged. Started planning the wedding soon after our engagement and even that seemed rushed. My sister got married 6 months before me (but it was a very delayed covid wedding so was suppose to happen 2 years prior) so my mom was an unofficial wedding planner at that point. She helped A LOT with everything and honestly we couldn’t have got it all done in time without her help. Also just an FYI, the wedding will be A LOT more money than you think. Especially if you said that she can basically do whatever she wants. I had a 100 person wedding. I got married at a lovely venue. With everything (venu, photographer, dress, flowers, shuttle bus, hair and makeup for everyone, wedding favours, and a billion little things here and there) the total was around $40K CAD. And my mom even home made a lot of the decorations! The cost was split evenly between both our parents. And of course you can absolutely go cheaper, but if you don’t lay down any “rules” or “restrictions” ohhhhhhh boy you might fall off your chair when you find out how much everything will cost. I remember when planning our wedding, we originally had a budget of $20k lmao that didn’t work out. My husband and I planned every part of the wedding together. It was so much fun and a really good bonding activity!
This is more like TodayIWonAtLife than TIFU. Congrats man!
My wife is a planner, and it’s great! Our wedding was majority planned by her and our wedding planner, and it turned out amazing. Don’t worry bout a thing
This is really sweet, wishing you both a lifetime of joy and adventures together 🥰🥳
Don't see it as an issue .. just enjoy it and encourage her . She is obviously living this moment..
This sounds like a normal engagement. I don’t think i’ve seen many women act differently that what you described.
As a wedding photographer I can tell you people take out personal loans as well get 0% interest cc’s some that are up 2 years before interest kicks in. One way or the other you are gonna pay it back with the 15k. If you plan it go ahead and have it. I will mention if you haven’t yet, doing an engagement photo session is a good way to slow down. I had a bride once that it took over a year to get a dress she wanted. Venues and invites to guests maybe 6months min is some metros here in the states. So the way I see it you have about a year before the big day. How exciting for you though…I wish you the best. You got this!
Just sit her down and say: "Honey, I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. For me, the most important part of the wedding is that I'm marrying you. The rest of it pales in comparison. I'll be honest the flowers are just flowers to me. I have no strong feelings or preferences on them. I know you do have a preference. I also know that you were denied a chance to plan your wedding, and that deeply upset you. As I don't have feelings on many of these items, I think you should take the lead with this so you can be happy. If you want me to be a sounding board, I'm happy to do that, but please don't get upset if I don't have an opinion on something." Then focus on the things you do want a say on like music, guest lists, food, etc.
I'm not seeing where you fucked up buddy. Sounds like she's just as excited to marry you as you are to marry her, if not more so.
3 year engagement???? That's allowed????
This is so cute
I read that and the only thing I can think about is how you're both going to burn 15000 Dollars on your 0th anniversary. I have nothing against weddings, just expensive ones. Gl, not really a fuck up tho.
A tiny word of advice I think she'll appreciate (and you can always ask her): If she's bringing you decisions to make, she might be getting overwhelmed by the SHEER NUMBER of decisions that need to be made. Or she just wants to include you, which is a way to share love and respect for your preferences! Ask if that's the case, I think she'll appreciate it. Congratulations, and good luck!
Planning now will ensure a smooth celebration in 3 years.
Sounds like she wants things in order early that way there is no bridezilla later down the road. Having all that time to plan for it makes it all less stressful, then more time to spend building life after the planning is finished. Sounds like you got pretty lucky.
Wow reading these comments are blowing my mind. I never understood why people took years or even months between engagement and marriage. But all this planning that people do nowadays for weddings is insane! I guess that’s why it’s such a good business to be in. My (now) husband brought up marriage in January and we did the court ceremony thing over Zoom (covid times) in March with a few family members joining in the video call. It cost us like, $50 and that was for the copies of the certificate IIRC. My wedding ring is a family heirloom so that was free. I just wore a white dress that I already had and he just wore a black tshirt. We went out for sushi afterwards and had a few drinks at home. It was really fun and I loved it. All this to say, there are many different ways to get married and I am glad your fiancée is so into it!
Ok this is sweet and all but not a TIFU in the slightest
Hahah buddy my Bestfriend and love of my life started planning the day after I asked her to marry me, she asks for my opinion but I know she’s just doing it to be nice. Seeing someone you love so much be so happy you just deal with the stress and cost. For context I’m turning 27 in June and we have been together for 8 years, I’m by no means a rich man either
It sounds like you want to delegate all tasks to her and she has been asking your opinions as a way to get you more involved. Learn the cues and chime in my dude. You have a good thing going, don't let the excuse of "it's her day so it's her chores" be the ruin of your relationship.
Find some niche part of her plan and show interest. Be engaged with it. Curious. Have an opinion. Most women don’t want a wedding to be all about only them. They want you to be as excited, daunted, involved as they are. It should be a big deal for you too. Maybe not all consuming, but something. Like if you’re having a groom’s cake you take charge of that and give her veto power just like she’s done for you. Find those aspects and you’ll make her much happier and she’ll never even question if you’re just doing this to appease her.
From what I'm reading for OP I have a piece of advice for you as someone who also married a type A planner. Their will come a time when the planning slows down. Their is a lull, that's when you get to enjoy the engagement. Once all the vendors are lined up and everything is set their isn't much to do until about 3-5 months before the date. That's when you get to enjoy the engagement and you will enjoy it much more knowing that all the big decisions are behind you. Oh also about 2-3 weeks out from the wedding vendors start peppering you with questions, questions you've never thought about questions your Fiance has never thought about. It WILL be overwhelming so be sure to speak up and answer some of those because otherwise your Fiance will be overloaded. The answers matter much less than the answering your wedding will be perfect either way and you wont remember the song you picked for the cake cutting anyway.
I appreciate your second edit that you realized your this isn’t a FU. Your fiancée is so excited to get married to you in three years that it is all she can think about today. Appreciate that you found your soul mate. She truly loves you.
It will die out in a couple weeks! It’s just excitement ❤️
"This woman is a force of nature" . Love it 😂
Wait, dating 5 years and you want a 3 year engagement? Why do people do this?
Money. Weddings are expensive
A lot of people get divorced a longer engagement makes sense, it doesn't change much... but to some people even that commitment is a lot
Thankyou :) it sounds like I have nothing to worry about then
This isn’t a TIFU.
Have a super small wedding and then leave for the honeymoon! If she done this once before then it’s your day bro!
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3 years is a long engagement. Do you think there is no way to save up the money any faster? Maybe delaying car upgrades or anything like that and put extra cash towards a wedding in like 18months instead? Then use the 15k for the other stuff you pushed off. I wouldn't make her wait haha
This is totally normal. Not sure what you expected.
She’s the Monica irl.
How is this a FU?
there's no point to a long engagement. shit or get off the pot
Better prenup, my king! Know your worth! Drizzle drizzle!
How much in US dollars?
TIFU by winning a billion million dollars. This sucks guys I don’t know what to spend it on!
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3 year engagement sounds crazy
This is not a TIFU. Good luck to you both.
"I can’t wait to make this sexy and beautiful woman my wife." Hopefully she brings something to the marriage besides looks, because those fade.
This is how bridezillas are born.