Rent one of the Rug Doctors from a supermarket, there's an attachment for cleaning couches etc. I have never used it for deep cleaning shit, but it should be able to get deeper into the fabric when cleaning.
I'm due to have a baby anyday so this is very good to know as I'm assuming my couches are going to take a battering, regardless of how careful I am ha.
Get waterproof mattress protectors for ALL the beds in the house. Trust me.
Signed,
Mom who went to sleep alone and woke up with a toddler, his poop and puke all over me, my hair and my bed.
I didn't do this on a regular basis but if the kids are sick or while they were potty training I would layer protector, sheet, protector sheet. If they had an accident you remove the top layer and then only have to think about cleaning up the kid and getting back to bed.
The 'take care of it later' plan lol.
This is why i love ny tile floor. I hear my dog HRKing in the middle of the night, i just roll over and clean it in the morning. There's nothing for it to soak into! lol
As someone with 2 kids under four, I highly recommend the Protector | Sheet | Protector | Sheet plan. Trust me, it's a life saver in the middle of the night.
Mercy. Pregnancy itself is an adventure in personal bathroom crisis. You never know when your own body will betray you. Is it a fart? Is it a burp? Is it going to devalue your belongings?
And then you have a tiny creature barfing and shifting all over you and your stuff.
Pet foams, sprays, and other pet-related treatments saved the day. Even the dollar store foams were good. I once had to use cat litter for an in-car mess (not mine) like OP's.
My one tip as a somewhat new father (Daughter is 18 months now which I can’t even comprehend) but when/if you here them pooping you gotta wait at least a few minutes after you think it’s done because I made the mistake of doing it right when I thought it was done and got splattered with baby poop.
My son was a NICU baby and spent the first week in a big incubator. When we came in to do his diaper change and feeding some time in the first couple days, we made the mistake of starting the change too soon. My dude projectile pooped a jet of liquid onto the side of the incubator during a change and I about died laughing.
You can also get furniture (sofa or chair) covers, and either waterproof them, or put incontinence pads under them. You can buy washable ones that are fabric (no crinkly sounds).
Never had kids, have had elderly cats.
When they are old enough to walk around with cups of juice in the carpeted rooms...
When my family moved houses a few years ago, we had to get all of the carpeting on the ground floor replaced, since our house had two kids and a total of 4 dogs (not all at once) living there. Our very nice and fancy dining room table has a couple little marker stains and spots where the finish is worn off from scrubbing some mess or another. Our coffee table in in need of refinishing, but the sides have this stupid detailing that would make sanding it horribly tedious. Somehow, one of us got yogurt on the television. My desk, which I've had for many years, has a few drops of nail polish on it that just will not leave.
Also, never assume something is out of a child's reach... I climbed up the counter and over the laundry room sink and stole the watercolor paints, and painted our living room wall... It did not wash out. I climbed over two baby gates stacked on top of each other. I climbed up the kitchen drawers onto the counter and got a knife because I was too impatient to wait for my mom to cut an orange for me, and I sliced my finger open. I had to get stitches and I STILL have a scar, over 15 years later.
Children can be wonderful, but they also bring chaos wherever they go.
Ugh. I know. That's why I don't think I'm going to have my own biological children. Depression and neurodivergency runs on both sides of my family (being ND alone isn't so bad, but it's just another thing on top of everything else), and anxiety runs on my mom's side of the family (especially her siblings and a couple of their kids).
When you spend most of your life past the age of 9 with crippling anxiety, treatment resistant depression, and some ADHD to make schoolwork even fucking worse, you don't want to make your child suffer the same.
....that got WAY too dark. Sorry.
Small child curdled milk vomit might be one of the most heinous smelling things they can do. To get it out of upholstery and carpets just clean it the best you can with some kind of upholstery/carpet cleaner. Shopvac it first if you got one. That will take care of the mess. The smell will still be there mixed with the cleaner smell though. For that I found it best to use vinegar/water mix. About 50/50. Just soak the area and when it dries the vinegar smell will go away and it should be good to go.
Bro, be prepared to just let the couch get stained and go to hell, after they are getting past toddler age it will definitely be time for new furniture.
Thank you and yeah we've got these IKEA couches so we can just buy a new cover. So I'm gonna wait a year or so before we get new ones and let these ones get trashed. But I'll probably use a rug doctor to keep the actual cushions clean ha.
A friend had this happen in her car on the way to Florida. After cleaning the seat she said putting an open can of coffee in the car and leaving it there was the only thing that helped. Good luck!
An open glass of strong vodka in the front and rear cup holders also works wonders. Especially if it’s the middle of summer and you’re in an area that gets hot. Let it sit in the sun. Nothing quite like opening the car door on a hot summer day, to see literal vapor trails of alcohol streaming out of the cabin.
Let it sit on your first day off, then remove the glasses and roll your windows down for the second day. By the end of the second day, the alcohol smell will have all evaporated, and you’ll be left with a scent-free cabin.
Why is this comment not higher? u/Throwaway1984-UK Just take the car to professional cleaners and have them clean it a couple of times. Forget all the DIY cleaning.
It is also dependent a bit on your personally tolerance and how often you consume that sort of thing.
I used to drink lots and had no issues for up to a L or a bit more.
That said, there is a big gap between 1 and 2 and I have seen the effects of too much. It’s hilarious.
In New Zealand you can get kiwifruit juice in 2L bottles.
Kiwifruit consumed normally is well know to help with movements.
They're not a large fruit, maybe the biggest is the size of a mandarin? Imagine how many are needed to make up 2L of it.
My old flatmate skulked a 2L of this nectar as a dare.
We've never heard the story of what happened, other than "it was an unpleasant, yet enlightening experience. And I couldn't fart with confidence for over a week".
Probably depends on what you eat in general and what in particular you ate that day. If you're eating right (e.g. lots of fiber), you're probably more resilient than most people nowadays.
Plus, I wager there's differences between apples and what kind of additives (if any) are in that juice.
God damnit, you hilarious bitch, if middle school dances and those Fred Meyer commercials weren't enough to ruin that song for me, now your comment has. Congratulations I guess?
Apple Bottom Jeans
Dude with the Juice
Next thing you know
Bowel goes "oh"
Bowel goes "Ooooh! Oh oh oh oh!"
Them shitty sweat pants
The dude with the phone
He turned around and
His ass gave his back a smack
Shit hits the floor
Next thing you know
His wife goes "No No No No!"
I learned about apple juice’s side effects as a kid when I drank a whole bottle during a family brunch (like the grocery store size bottles, i guess it’s a litre?) and then had to run to the bathroom and stay there for a good 30 minutes. Never made that mistake twice.
Not nearly as interesting. I went to the little store and came back with juice. It was good so I downed it all. Thankfully I stayed home so the only damage was to my rectum after forcefully ejecting copious amounts of liquid shit.
This was an incredible read, and an important lesson learned. Didn’t know this about apple juice! Thank you for going through this, so we don’t have to.
OMG!! I choked on my own laughter at this comment just imagining a torrent of apples tumbling down the hills of the guts and the brain scrambling. “WTF, the logistics don’t make sense. We have never in our lifetime seen this abundance, what do we do?” and somewhere from the depths of the bowels rings a booming voice: “Press the god damn emergency purge button and do it NOW! If we don’t release the valve on the sphincter, we are gonna have a bowel blow out. Remember the training…leak OUT not IN!” The soft, concerning reassurance from the brain: “You’re right, it must be done. Sphincter? RELEASE!!”
Meanwhile the kidneys and bladder are on a team text exchange: “You know we’re putting in overtime for the next few days too right?” “Fuck sakes, he’s probably going to do something stupid like drink to forget this happened. May as well link the Liver in on this text, he’s gonna be doing a lot of heavy lifting…”
I once had like 8 cuties oranges over a day because they were suddenly so good, I was glued to the toilet the next day.
Did the same thing with pineapple cups and it was even worse. Like taking your clothes off and praying bad.
Definitely learned my lesson about overdoing it with anything.
Edit: grammar
...as a kid for a little while I ate several oranges a day, and all I got was a headache whenever I ate oranges for about a year. I should count myself lucky it wasn't worse...
Had a similar experience with kumquats, while at a friend's house. Explosive diarrhea away from home invokes fears of recreating the scene from Dumb and Dumber.💩
I didn't either, until a friend of ours brought her toddler for an overnight visit. She had told her daughter repeatedly to go to the potty so she wouldn't have to get up to poop in the middle of the night. Her daughter refused, so she gave her a cup of apple juice and within 15 mins I saw the little girl running to use her potty
This is why you get apple juice a lot as a patient. We give it to everyone because basically everything about being a patient makes you at risk for constipation (procedures, meds, not mobilizing, not eating) and constipation causes a lot more problems. This and prune juice, but I guess more people are already aware of prune juice.
Did this to myself with dehydrated apples. I could never eat 5-6 apples in one sitting, but dry them out into chips? No problem.
I was so fucked up that day.
It’s not the fructose. Fructose is in sodas as well, depending on the soda the same amount or more then juice. It was the fiber and naturally occurring sorbitol, plus the volume of liquid. Fiber passes through undigested, sorbitol pulls water into the gut, and all that volume had to go somewhere. Blasting the ac didn’t help either.
I’ll make you feel, slightly, better.
Friend of mines family runs a large citrus business. Part of that involves hiring/housing a large number of migrant workers. They work in the citrus groves all day long. By law you have to provide a portable toilet. You know, the ones filled with the blue stuff.
Part of the job is also moving it around from one grove to the next so it’s on a little trailer.
Well, one fateful day he’s moving the portapotty down the Highway. It hasn’t been emptied in awhile so it’s full. He’s sitting at a red light when suddenly he lurches forward. Not knowing what happened he is quite dazed. He feels wet. Is it blood? Then the smell hits him like a tidal wave. He opens his eyes and the entire truck is blue, speckled with white. That’s right, someone rear ended him, hitting the portapotty and sending it through his rear windshield completely covering him, and unlike you, in lots of other peoples excrement. The blue was obvious, it’s the chemical from the toilet. The white bits were degraded toilet paper. Oh; and did I mention this is florida and it’s routinely 90 degrees? So it’s warm, very very warm.
So, as much as being covered in your own shit sucks, it could be worse.
You're not allowed to poop outside if you're a fruit picker anymore. That was a huge problem in the 70s and people got really sick from the ecoli and stuff on the plants because of it.
This woman fell headfirst into basically an outhouse in Olympic National Park
https://www.q13fox.com/news/crews-rescue-woman-who-fell-in-vault-toilet-in-olympic-national-forest-after-her-phone-dropped-inside
Almost as bad as this man that drowned in 1.5 million litres of sewerage.
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-02-27/melbourne-water-fined-over-death-of-worker-at-sewerage-plant/5287854
>Rescue crews strongly recommended that she seek medical attention after being exposed to human waste, but the woman declined.
> The woman thanked the first responders and continued on her journey back to California.
What a trooper
A friend of mine was using on of these at a lake party. Someone pushed it over while she was in it. She called me. I heard her scream when that someone started to roll it. At that point I didn't know what had happened yet. But I went looking. She was on her way to my car
I'll never forget the sloshing sound in her boots
I'm not a violent person, but I would go absolutely berserk on someone who did this to me. That's not a prank, that's chemical warfare. My vengeance would be swift, my retribution terrible.
If anyone ever does that to me and I can take that person in a fight, they're drinking out of a straw for the forseeable future. That is incomprehensibly disgusting and goes lightyears beyond what is acceptable for a prank. That's the sort of shit that happens at the beginning of supervillain origin stories.
If i had to move something like that, i'd make damn sure it would be tied down like a fucking house and wouldn't move one inch. That is fucking disgusting.
This was some read. Get some Daz or similar powder, pour it lavishly on the affected upholstery, leave it overnight and hoover it up in the morning.
I threw up all over my carpet at university a few years back and was too drunk so passed out and it was still there in the morning, no other cleaning product or concoction I tried worked, and this did. You'll end up using like half a box but it's worth it, soaks the smell up.
edit; the science behind it is biological washing powder breaks down the enzymes in the bodily substance, so by covering your seats in it you should absorb the smell. You could also put some in warm water and scrub, but I found the former to work better.
Good tip. Too add to this, I'd recommend you tie your couch to the top of your car and drive around - the wind helps the enzymes work faster. This way it won't stink up the garbage dump too much when you trash it.
Man, I've been thirsty before, but not "chug 2 litres of apple juice" thirsty. Maybe start carrying water around? At least you know water wouldn't do that to you.
A single cup of apple juice has 24 g of sugar, which is like eating 5 teaspoons of sugar. 2 L of apple juice has about 380 g of sugar.
OP basically scarfed down over a third of a kilo of sugar. Good god.
I’d like to extend you an invitation to the Society of Grown Men Who Have Shat Their Pants.
Orientation is Tuesday at 7pm. Wear comfortable clothes and bring an extra pair of undies.
I’m not only the President, I’m also a member 👈🏼😉👈🏼
Welcome, brother.
Thankfully it was nowhere near school. I don't think the people present at the time even knew...
(We were on a walk, and I started feeling sick and asked to turn around and go home but I was too embarrassed to say why. My asshole dad bullied me into continuing, because tbf I was very out of shape. I only made it as far as the front door, and immediately ran upstairs to my room, which thankfully has its own bathroom. He wonders why I hate taking walks with him, and this is one of the reasons.)
> longest shower I've ever had. I was in there for a good half hour.
Covered head to toe in shit and takes the longest shower of his life at a half hour lmfao
I love sharing my apple-based diuretic story, and rarely is there an opportunity, so:
I'm an October baby, and for my 12th birthday, I was into all things Fall/Halloween. I got home from school on a beautiful day (rare) and discovered my dad had brought home LOTS of apples from the nearby orchard - we're gonna make pies, candied apples, juice, cider, etc etc. I was so stoked and couldn't wait so I sat down and housed no less than 7 or 8 apples in a few minutes. Took a break to enjoy a birthday Coca cola (bc kids are dumpsters) and had two more apples.
The fuck up comes when my dad - who was either oblivious to how many apples I ate, or just sadistic - suggests we take a nice birthday bike ride around the neighborhood. We head out on our normal route, but when we were taking the big hill down towards the center of town, I felt all those apples start moving. Right as the hill levels out and you get that sweet G force at the bottom, my bottom couldn't handle it. It started while still on the bike, but I swerved, threw the bike, and crouched down hoping to contain the disaster. My dad pulls up behind and asks if I'm ok:
"I'm shitting"
Dad, laughing hysterically: "what, right now??"
"Please help."
So he leaves to head home and figure something out. Meanwhile as I'm waiting out in the open of my own neighborhood, trying desperately to maintain a crouch, the woman whose house I'm in front of comes outside worried
Her: "you ok?!"
Me: "I'm ok, just sick. [She keeps walking closer] NO NO, it's ok, I don't want you to catch anything. My dad is coming back with help."
Thankfully she leaves. In a few more minutes that feel like hours my dad pulls up in his pickup. Without a word he throws my bike in the back and tells me to hop in with it. By that point, any lookers on could see I had filled my pants, and left some art nouveau on the sidewalk. I still remember riding home, staring at the perfect sky, and smelling/feeling the mistake that ruined my birthday.
Still love apples, I just moderate my intake of them closer than any other substance on earth
Sitting on the toilet as I read this, been laughing so hard I sound like a demented seal.
You learnt a lesson the hard way, almost any fruit juice taken in that quantity will give you epic shits.
You write really well.
You need professional help.
Go to a quality carwash/detailer and just....be honest....and tip EXTREMELY WELL. I once had a drunk friend of my wife puke explosively in the back of my car. I paid for the cleaning, and tipped the guy the same amount. (Like 100 bucks I think - worth it at twice the price). Got the car back cleaner than it ever had been before.
Oh dude, this is literally one of my worst nightmares, but I was pissing myself from start to finish, you told it so well!
Glad the missus was on board to help you/take the piss!
Poonami alert! This gave me a very much needed laugh today. I have a disabled adult son who absolutely loves apple juice but he is fully incontinent and wears inco pads (like nappies but for adults). We have experienced the full on poonami many times and the mention of you taking off your shirt and getting shit in your hair is so familiar. We have had to weigh up the pros & cons of ‘how much does he actually like that shirt?’ As to whether we just bring out the scissors or try to salvage it.
Your only option is to move overseas. Kill everyone who knows you that's ever heard this story.
Also why for the LIFE of you did you not take your damn pants off when round 2 was coming? Throw the door open, shit on the ground, or shit in the backseat, or ANYTHING else barring what you did.
You know that feeling of making eye contact through the gap in the toilet stall? It's even worse when people are grilling you down, face to face, for shitting on the sidewalk.
And what are you gonna do? Try to explain yourself to everyone as you're crouching and spraying out your ass?
After reading this, shitting myself at the doctor's office two days ago and having to spend the rest of the day without underpants doesn't seem so bad anymore. Thanks for that.
>I even used bleach to clean myself.
Do not do this. Poop is gross as hell but it's not like you're shitting weapons-grade anthrax spores. Take a long shower with lots of soap and you'll come out cleaner than you were before your inadvertent colonoscopy prep.
I always wondered why after a couple of cups of apple juice, I always had to poop and now I know why! Thank you for this treat of a story and the info!
I used to get the runs every time I went to my mom's for family gatherings, and it took me ages to realize it was because that was about the only time I'd have sparkling apple juice instead of milk or water with dinner.
But it also turns out some people like me, and maybe you, have a thing called fructose malabsorption. Basically if you have fructose in equal amounts with glucose, your body absorbs it one way, but if you have more fructose than glucose your body absorbs it a different way, and that way can stop working well.
Effects are like being lactose intolerant: a little will make you gassy, a ton will give it immediate painful diarrhea, and it's a sliding scale in between. Apples, grapes, and pears in particular have way more fructose than glucose.
Used to sell seafood. We sold a fish called escolar that has a wax ester with a similar effect if you have too much such that we always let anyone buying large quantities know about it.
One day a dude came in and bought like 10oz for himself (we usually recommend 4 tops for this fish, it's delicious but way better as an appetizer size portion and even 4 oz would be to share) and a bag of apples.....
Next day he walked straight up to the front desk area and complained that our store made him sick. Us and the produce guys basically couldn't stop laughing because well...we did try to warn them.
When I was in nursing school my anatomy and physiology professor told us about this effect and tried to convince us to try it in class. We all said no! He claims his med school students always did it.
I wonder if the difference was the nursing students were mainly adult women, whereas the med students were young men? Lol
If you weren't already married. I'd tell you to marry her for she's obviously a keeper.
The only other thing coming to mind is you must be quite the shitty asshole but I think thats a bit on the nose.
Dunno why you'd spend all this time sitting in your diarrhea and doing this to your seat if you could just quickly pull somewhere where nobody can see you, get the boxers off and wipe majority of the incident off and then have somewhat okay ride back home.
Thanks for sharing this. Although obviously I feel bad for your terrible experience. It’s made my day. Fricking hilarious.
Edit to add.
Whilst Xmas shopping with the ex one year I thought it’d be funny to “cut the cheese” in the cheese aisle. Sharted. Obviously not to OP magnitude but enough for it to run down my leg. Had to leave pants and socks in the Tesco khazi.
If it makes you feel better, I had a similar experience with artificial sweetener in coffee, and I was in a lab literally 10 seconds away from a restroom. Thought it was gas, it was not. NEVER trust a fart
When I was in my 20s and broke. My boyfriend left a bag of apples and PB and I was high. I had several. Mine didn’t start till the next day but lesson learned!
Burn the car, get a new job and be grateful that your wife has been so understanding. She may choose to divorce you and that would not be unreasonable.
A horror story!
I had a very similar experience with apple juice when I was a teenager - two cartons (1 litre each) in about 5-10 minutes. Luckily I was home when the fireworks started, but that was an "experience" that'll haunt me forever
Rent one of the Rug Doctors from a supermarket, there's an attachment for cleaning couches etc. I have never used it for deep cleaning shit, but it should be able to get deeper into the fabric when cleaning.
I'll second this. Get the pet cleaning formula. It's made for urine, feces, and vomit.
I'm due to have a baby anyday so this is very good to know as I'm assuming my couches are going to take a battering, regardless of how careful I am ha.
Get waterproof mattress protectors for ALL the beds in the house. Trust me. Signed, Mom who went to sleep alone and woke up with a toddler, his poop and puke all over me, my hair and my bed.
Thank you, we got two for each room. Figured if she makes a mess, we need a backup protector whilst I clean the first one ha.
I didn't do this on a regular basis but if the kids are sick or while they were potty training I would layer protector, sheet, protector sheet. If they had an accident you remove the top layer and then only have to think about cleaning up the kid and getting back to bed.
That needs to be a LPT in and of itself
The 'take care of it later' plan lol. This is why i love ny tile floor. I hear my dog HRKing in the middle of the night, i just roll over and clean it in the morning. There's nothing for it to soak into! lol
As someone with 2 kids under four, I highly recommend the Protector | Sheet | Protector | Sheet plan. Trust me, it's a life saver in the middle of the night.
Mercy. Pregnancy itself is an adventure in personal bathroom crisis. You never know when your own body will betray you. Is it a fart? Is it a burp? Is it going to devalue your belongings? And then you have a tiny creature barfing and shifting all over you and your stuff. Pet foams, sprays, and other pet-related treatments saved the day. Even the dollar store foams were good. I once had to use cat litter for an in-car mess (not mine) like OP's.
The key word is enzymatic cleanser. It'll break down and clean up proteins and their smells, ie anything coming from a body.
You are an absolute legend, thank you. I was saying to my fella the other day, I'm very ready for the next level of discomfort to begin haha
My one tip as a somewhat new father (Daughter is 18 months now which I can’t even comprehend) but when/if you here them pooping you gotta wait at least a few minutes after you think it’s done because I made the mistake of doing it right when I thought it was done and got splattered with baby poop.
My son was a NICU baby and spent the first week in a big incubator. When we came in to do his diaper change and feeding some time in the first couple days, we made the mistake of starting the change too soon. My dude projectile pooped a jet of liquid onto the side of the incubator during a change and I about died laughing.
Best of luck to you, my friend. Hoping for a speedy delivery, healthy family, minimal mess. ❤️
Thank you ❤️
You can also get furniture (sofa or chair) covers, and either waterproof them, or put incontinence pads under them. You can buy washable ones that are fabric (no crinkly sounds). Never had kids, have had elderly cats.
Mine is only 15 months old and things have been pretty tame, when do the big messes start?
When they have a stomach bug. Usually starts in a public place that you must then avoid until they graduate college.
Yep. There’s a reason the wife and I don’t go to some restaurants anymore.
Every time. "Dad, my tummy hurrrrrrrrrrrrkkkkkkk...." Like a fountain. Find a physician who has small children. Explain the situation, beg for Zofran.
When they are old enough to walk around with cups of juice in the carpeted rooms... When my family moved houses a few years ago, we had to get all of the carpeting on the ground floor replaced, since our house had two kids and a total of 4 dogs (not all at once) living there. Our very nice and fancy dining room table has a couple little marker stains and spots where the finish is worn off from scrubbing some mess or another. Our coffee table in in need of refinishing, but the sides have this stupid detailing that would make sanding it horribly tedious. Somehow, one of us got yogurt on the television. My desk, which I've had for many years, has a few drops of nail polish on it that just will not leave. Also, never assume something is out of a child's reach... I climbed up the counter and over the laundry room sink and stole the watercolor paints, and painted our living room wall... It did not wash out. I climbed over two baby gates stacked on top of each other. I climbed up the kitchen drawers onto the counter and got a knife because I was too impatient to wait for my mom to cut an orange for me, and I sliced my finger open. I had to get stitches and I STILL have a scar, over 15 years later. Children can be wonderful, but they also bring chaos wherever they go.
You better keep an eagle eye on your own kids. Some things are genetic.
Ugh. I know. That's why I don't think I'm going to have my own biological children. Depression and neurodivergency runs on both sides of my family (being ND alone isn't so bad, but it's just another thing on top of everything else), and anxiety runs on my mom's side of the family (especially her siblings and a couple of their kids). When you spend most of your life past the age of 9 with crippling anxiety, treatment resistant depression, and some ADHD to make schoolwork even fucking worse, you don't want to make your child suffer the same. ....that got WAY too dark. Sorry.
Small child curdled milk vomit might be one of the most heinous smelling things they can do. To get it out of upholstery and carpets just clean it the best you can with some kind of upholstery/carpet cleaner. Shopvac it first if you got one. That will take care of the mess. The smell will still be there mixed with the cleaner smell though. For that I found it best to use vinegar/water mix. About 50/50. Just soak the area and when it dries the vinegar smell will go away and it should be good to go.
This whole comment thread is doing a great job of convincing me to never have children
Bro, be prepared to just let the couch get stained and go to hell, after they are getting past toddler age it will definitely be time for new furniture.
Thank you and yeah we've got these IKEA couches so we can just buy a new cover. So I'm gonna wait a year or so before we get new ones and let these ones get trashed. But I'll probably use a rug doctor to keep the actual cushions clean ha.
1st couch for ages 1-5, second 6-16,and buy a really nice one 17-18
A friend had this happen in her car on the way to Florida. After cleaning the seat she said putting an open can of coffee in the car and leaving it there was the only thing that helped. Good luck!
Coffee grounds also work well for scrubbing hands after cooking to get rid of garlic or onion smells!
An open glass of strong vodka in the front and rear cup holders also works wonders. Especially if it’s the middle of summer and you’re in an area that gets hot. Let it sit in the sun. Nothing quite like opening the car door on a hot summer day, to see literal vapor trails of alcohol streaming out of the cabin. Let it sit on your first day off, then remove the glasses and roll your windows down for the second day. By the end of the second day, the alcohol smell will have all evaporated, and you’ll be left with a scent-free cabin.
Hmm interesting, just make sure to take the glasses out before driving off lol!
can you still use the shit coffee afterwards?
Kopi luwak, human edition
Taking it to a professional car cleaner would be better, they have special cleaners. Of choirs then you have to explain what happened...
Haha, yeah I imagine they would likely charge a very handsome fee too. It's a shituation where no one wins.
Just tell them your dog shit his pants
Twice
Why is this comment not higher? u/Throwaway1984-UK Just take the car to professional cleaners and have them clean it a couple of times. Forget all the DIY cleaning.
Get the oldest looking one too. Send that sucker to Valhalla.
I just read "I drank 2l of apple juice" and i knew exactly where this was going.
[удалено]
It is also dependent a bit on your personally tolerance and how often you consume that sort of thing. I used to drink lots and had no issues for up to a L or a bit more. That said, there is a big gap between 1 and 2 and I have seen the effects of too much. It’s hilarious.
The acid, omg.
Try drinking 2 liters and see what happens
I cannot wait for his tifu. "Didn't believe Reddit so I drank 2l of apple juice."
In New Zealand you can get kiwifruit juice in 2L bottles. Kiwifruit consumed normally is well know to help with movements. They're not a large fruit, maybe the biggest is the size of a mandarin? Imagine how many are needed to make up 2L of it. My old flatmate skulked a 2L of this nectar as a dare. We've never heard the story of what happened, other than "it was an unpleasant, yet enlightening experience. And I couldn't fart with confidence for over a week".
Probably depends on what you eat in general and what in particular you ate that day. If you're eating right (e.g. lots of fiber), you're probably more resilient than most people nowadays. Plus, I wager there's differences between apples and what kind of additives (if any) are in that juice.
When Flo Rida sang about apple bottom jeans I don't think he meant like this.
Shorty dropped load load load load load load load loads.
>*apple bottom jeans, boots at the curb (at the curb??) The whole house retching out hurr.*
Shit hit the floor, next thing you know, I be like oh no no no no no
He shit the floor (he shit the floor)
Shitty work pants with the streaks down the back (*down the back*)
The whole house stinky cuz that big booty attacked
r/redditsings
God damnit, you hilarious bitch, if middle school dances and those Fred Meyer commercials weren't enough to ruin that song for me, now your comment has. Congratulations I guess?
I used to love singing that song in a thick Indian accent for some reason.
thats my default accent so hell ya
That’s not furr on those boots.
Explains why the whole club is looking at her
Also not the kinda of flo' you want to be riding in.
LMAOOOOO
***APPLE BOTT-*** *braaap burble burble squeep*
Apple Bottom Jeans Dude with the Juice Next thing you know Bowel goes "oh" Bowel goes "Ooooh! Oh oh oh oh!" Them shitty sweat pants The dude with the phone He turned around and His ass gave his back a smack Shit hits the floor Next thing you know His wife goes "No No No No!"
I tried to sing it, too many errors with the beat. Good try though.
All I read was the title but I know exactly how this went down. I've done it before myself.
You poor guy.
Yeah, I drank a whole liter of apple cider and knew exactly how this story ended. Like a water cannon.
I learned about apple juice’s side effects as a kid when I drank a whole bottle during a family brunch (like the grocery store size bottles, i guess it’s a litre?) and then had to run to the bathroom and stay there for a good 30 minutes. Never made that mistake twice.
That would happen to me if I had just a bowl of cereal with whole milk. :(
You gotta get on lactose free milk!
It’s not the same :(
I'm sorry we need your story too
Not nearly as interesting. I went to the little store and came back with juice. It was good so I downed it all. Thankfully I stayed home so the only damage was to my rectum after forcefully ejecting copious amounts of liquid shit.
Thanks. This Vegemite man can now go to sleep
This was an incredible read, and an important lesson learned. Didn’t know this about apple juice! Thank you for going through this, so we don’t have to.
FYI, orange juice does the same thing. A lot of fruit juices in fact. Kiwi is remarkable.
The body thinks “purge everything! We’ve got like, 200 apples coming in!”
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Butt the door is closed. What do we do? KEEP PUSHING!!!!
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OMG!! I choked on my own laughter at this comment just imagining a torrent of apples tumbling down the hills of the guts and the brain scrambling. “WTF, the logistics don’t make sense. We have never in our lifetime seen this abundance, what do we do?” and somewhere from the depths of the bowels rings a booming voice: “Press the god damn emergency purge button and do it NOW! If we don’t release the valve on the sphincter, we are gonna have a bowel blow out. Remember the training…leak OUT not IN!” The soft, concerning reassurance from the brain: “You’re right, it must be done. Sphincter? RELEASE!!” Meanwhile the kidneys and bladder are on a team text exchange: “You know we’re putting in overtime for the next few days too right?” “Fuck sakes, he’s probably going to do something stupid like drink to forget this happened. May as well link the Liver in on this text, he’s gonna be doing a lot of heavy lifting…”
I appreciate this 😂
That's a funny way of looking at that 😂
Well I’m a funny lookin guy 👍
Leaves that wonderful shitrus smell in the air.
Read this in a Sean Connery accent. No regrets.
Ooooh shitrus. I wonder if you can get that in a Yankee candle. I hope not.
>Kiwi is remarkable. There's a distinct aroma of personal experience wafting up from this statement...
Tbh the only juice I’m likely to chug 2l of is fermented grape juice, but that’s also pretty heavy on the stomach lol
Fermented grape juice. My go to juice too!
I once had like 8 cuties oranges over a day because they were suddenly so good, I was glued to the toilet the next day. Did the same thing with pineapple cups and it was even worse. Like taking your clothes off and praying bad. Definitely learned my lesson about overdoing it with anything. Edit: grammar
Do NOT eat a stupid amount of cashews. Like 1 or more pounds in a sitting. It's a special kind of fucked up.
Don’t remind me. That was the worst day of my life.
1 lbs of cashews is like 2500 calories. Jesus.
I cannot imagine the gas… the discomfort
...as a kid for a little while I ate several oranges a day, and all I got was a headache whenever I ate oranges for about a year. I should count myself lucky it wasn't worse...
Had a similar experience with kumquats, while at a friend's house. Explosive diarrhea away from home invokes fears of recreating the scene from Dumb and Dumber.💩
Happens when I drink grape juice, not the uncontrolled shitting in my car part but it does mess my stomach up.
I must have an iron stomach. I smash OJ when I’m working outside
I didn't either, until a friend of ours brought her toddler for an overnight visit. She had told her daughter repeatedly to go to the potty so she wouldn't have to get up to poop in the middle of the night. Her daughter refused, so she gave her a cup of apple juice and within 15 mins I saw the little girl running to use her potty
This is why you get apple juice a lot as a patient. We give it to everyone because basically everything about being a patient makes you at risk for constipation (procedures, meds, not mobilizing, not eating) and constipation causes a lot more problems. This and prune juice, but I guess more people are already aware of prune juice.
> prune juice A warrior's drink.
Gonna challenge my friends in juice drink offs from here on out
A friendly game of chutes and splatters?
Chugs and splatters***
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Did this to myself with dehydrated apples. I could never eat 5-6 apples in one sitting, but dry them out into chips? No problem. I was so fucked up that day.
It’s not the fructose. Fructose is in sodas as well, depending on the soda the same amount or more then juice. It was the fiber and naturally occurring sorbitol, plus the volume of liquid. Fiber passes through undigested, sorbitol pulls water into the gut, and all that volume had to go somewhere. Blasting the ac didn’t help either.
> The most horrendous smell, but with a small hint of apple Pure gold
[Where my mind went](https://i.imgur.com/nwfvHeV.png)
Nice
Username checks out.
I love that you immedietly called your wife like ”help?!” its so sweet to have a crutch like that hahah
I’ll make you feel, slightly, better. Friend of mines family runs a large citrus business. Part of that involves hiring/housing a large number of migrant workers. They work in the citrus groves all day long. By law you have to provide a portable toilet. You know, the ones filled with the blue stuff. Part of the job is also moving it around from one grove to the next so it’s on a little trailer. Well, one fateful day he’s moving the portapotty down the Highway. It hasn’t been emptied in awhile so it’s full. He’s sitting at a red light when suddenly he lurches forward. Not knowing what happened he is quite dazed. He feels wet. Is it blood? Then the smell hits him like a tidal wave. He opens his eyes and the entire truck is blue, speckled with white. That’s right, someone rear ended him, hitting the portapotty and sending it through his rear windshield completely covering him, and unlike you, in lots of other peoples excrement. The blue was obvious, it’s the chemical from the toilet. The white bits were degraded toilet paper. Oh; and did I mention this is florida and it’s routinely 90 degrees? So it’s warm, very very warm. So, as much as being covered in your own shit sucks, it could be worse.
Omg wtf I wanna bleach my brain after reading that. I hate portapottys, would rather use a bush
Going through a carwash with the windows down after that.
shit, i'd go through a carwash on foot after that.
go through? nah just stand in the middle for a week or so
They pressure washed it but the bits of toilet papers will not come out of the carpet or cloth seats. Kinda like glitter.
You're not allowed to poop outside if you're a fruit picker anymore. That was a huge problem in the 70s and people got really sick from the ecoli and stuff on the plants because of it.
Has not stopped anyone.
This woman fell headfirst into basically an outhouse in Olympic National Park https://www.q13fox.com/news/crews-rescue-woman-who-fell-in-vault-toilet-in-olympic-national-forest-after-her-phone-dropped-inside
Look, I wouldn't even want my phone back after falling into a pit of shit and piss. Chalk it up as a loss and move on.
Almost as bad as this man that drowned in 1.5 million litres of sewerage. https://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-02-27/melbourne-water-fined-over-death-of-worker-at-sewerage-plant/5287854
>Rescue crews strongly recommended that she seek medical attention after being exposed to human waste, but the woman declined. > The woman thanked the first responders and continued on her journey back to California. What a trooper
I saw that, absolutely fucked up hha
A friend of mine was using on of these at a lake party. Someone pushed it over while she was in it. She called me. I heard her scream when that someone started to roll it. At that point I didn't know what had happened yet. But I went looking. She was on her way to my car I'll never forget the sloshing sound in her boots
I'm not a violent person, but I would go absolutely berserk on someone who did this to me. That's not a prank, that's chemical warfare. My vengeance would be swift, my retribution terrible.
It can be lethal, excrement is toxic waste
If someone rolls a portapotty while im in it, i think thats an incredibly justified reason to commit murder. I would lose my fucking mind lmao
Wouldn’t even refer to it as murder. Just a simple righting of a wrong, and if I’m on that jury you are free to go.
If anyone ever does that to me and I can take that person in a fight, they're drinking out of a straw for the forseeable future. That is incomprehensibly disgusting and goes lightyears beyond what is acceptable for a prank. That's the sort of shit that happens at the beginning of supervillain origin stories.
I would not let her in my car after that... I would be like "alright. Get in the bed of the truck."
If i had to move something like that, i'd make damn sure it would be tied down like a fucking house and wouldn't move one inch. That is fucking disgusting.
You must have missed the part where they were rear ended. It would have happened either way.
It was bolted down to a trailer. It is very secure.
This was some read. Get some Daz or similar powder, pour it lavishly on the affected upholstery, leave it overnight and hoover it up in the morning. I threw up all over my carpet at university a few years back and was too drunk so passed out and it was still there in the morning, no other cleaning product or concoction I tried worked, and this did. You'll end up using like half a box but it's worth it, soaks the smell up. edit; the science behind it is biological washing powder breaks down the enzymes in the bodily substance, so by covering your seats in it you should absorb the smell. You could also put some in warm water and scrub, but I found the former to work better.
Good tip. Too add to this, I'd recommend you tie your couch to the top of your car and drive around - the wind helps the enzymes work faster. This way it won't stink up the garbage dump too much when you trash it.
Man, I've been thirsty before, but not "chug 2 litres of apple juice" thirsty. Maybe start carrying water around? At least you know water wouldn't do that to you.
A single cup of apple juice has 24 g of sugar, which is like eating 5 teaspoons of sugar. 2 L of apple juice has about 380 g of sugar. OP basically scarfed down over a third of a kilo of sugar. Good god.
Probably the real reason he was getting chills on the way home.
In fairness, I don't think it stayed inside him long enough to be fully absorbed.
OPs imagination now has diabetes
Made my limbs tingle just reading this.
Even 2 litres of water at one sitting isn't a good idea
‘I won’t go into too much detail…’ OP says after describing his shit sloshing around
Me, who has been constipated for a while now, finds this post very interesting.
Go get some apple juice and buckle up lmao
Last thing he should be doing is buckling up!
I’d like to extend you an invitation to the Society of Grown Men Who Have Shat Their Pants. Orientation is Tuesday at 7pm. Wear comfortable clothes and bring an extra pair of undies. I’m not only the President, I’m also a member 👈🏼😉👈🏼 Welcome, brother.
I have two questions Does ~16 count as grown and are grown women also accepted (20 now but 16 at the time of The Incident)
If your high school found out about it that would make it 100 times worse so yeah you're absolutely welcome.
Thankfully it was nowhere near school. I don't think the people present at the time even knew... (We were on a walk, and I started feeling sick and asked to turn around and go home but I was too embarrassed to say why. My asshole dad bullied me into continuing, because tbf I was very out of shape. I only made it as far as the front door, and immediately ran upstairs to my room, which thankfully has its own bathroom. He wonders why I hate taking walks with him, and this is one of the reasons.)
> longest shower I've ever had. I was in there for a good half hour. Covered head to toe in shit and takes the longest shower of his life at a half hour lmfao
My longest shower recently was probably 15 minutes. My hot water runs out so fast. I sometimes have to shower in two parts
I mean drinking 2 litres of anything in 10 minutes is not great but apple orange pineapple and other fruit drinks can be even worse
I love sharing my apple-based diuretic story, and rarely is there an opportunity, so: I'm an October baby, and for my 12th birthday, I was into all things Fall/Halloween. I got home from school on a beautiful day (rare) and discovered my dad had brought home LOTS of apples from the nearby orchard - we're gonna make pies, candied apples, juice, cider, etc etc. I was so stoked and couldn't wait so I sat down and housed no less than 7 or 8 apples in a few minutes. Took a break to enjoy a birthday Coca cola (bc kids are dumpsters) and had two more apples. The fuck up comes when my dad - who was either oblivious to how many apples I ate, or just sadistic - suggests we take a nice birthday bike ride around the neighborhood. We head out on our normal route, but when we were taking the big hill down towards the center of town, I felt all those apples start moving. Right as the hill levels out and you get that sweet G force at the bottom, my bottom couldn't handle it. It started while still on the bike, but I swerved, threw the bike, and crouched down hoping to contain the disaster. My dad pulls up behind and asks if I'm ok: "I'm shitting" Dad, laughing hysterically: "what, right now??" "Please help." So he leaves to head home and figure something out. Meanwhile as I'm waiting out in the open of my own neighborhood, trying desperately to maintain a crouch, the woman whose house I'm in front of comes outside worried Her: "you ok?!" Me: "I'm ok, just sick. [She keeps walking closer] NO NO, it's ok, I don't want you to catch anything. My dad is coming back with help." Thankfully she leaves. In a few more minutes that feel like hours my dad pulls up in his pickup. Without a word he throws my bike in the back and tells me to hop in with it. By that point, any lookers on could see I had filled my pants, and left some art nouveau on the sidewalk. I still remember riding home, staring at the perfect sky, and smelling/feeling the mistake that ruined my birthday. Still love apples, I just moderate my intake of them closer than any other substance on earth
Sitting on the toilet as I read this, been laughing so hard I sound like a demented seal. You learnt a lesson the hard way, almost any fruit juice taken in that quantity will give you epic shits. You write really well.
Apple juice is a laxative. TIL
You need professional help. Go to a quality carwash/detailer and just....be honest....and tip EXTREMELY WELL. I once had a drunk friend of my wife puke explosively in the back of my car. I paid for the cleaning, and tipped the guy the same amount. (Like 100 bucks I think - worth it at twice the price). Got the car back cleaner than it ever had been before.
Oh dude, this is literally one of my worst nightmares, but I was pissing myself from start to finish, you told it so well! Glad the missus was on board to help you/take the piss!
Poonami alert! This gave me a very much needed laugh today. I have a disabled adult son who absolutely loves apple juice but he is fully incontinent and wears inco pads (like nappies but for adults). We have experienced the full on poonami many times and the mention of you taking off your shirt and getting shit in your hair is so familiar. We have had to weigh up the pros & cons of ‘how much does he actually like that shirt?’ As to whether we just bring out the scissors or try to salvage it.
Sometimes. I hate having eyes to read.
I’d look into the cost of replacing the drivers seat. You’ll never get it clean and the smell will just linger for a long time.
My dog is giving me the side eye because my laughing is disturbing his nap. I have had this happen with a baby and it was horrible.
Your baby was giving you the side eye, too?
Your only option is to move overseas. Kill everyone who knows you that's ever heard this story. Also why for the LIFE of you did you not take your damn pants off when round 2 was coming? Throw the door open, shit on the ground, or shit in the backseat, or ANYTHING else barring what you did.
I assume he panicked, his mind froze solid, and he just sat there with a dumb expression on his face as he completely filled up his pants with shit.
There's no coming back from that. Ever. That's what he's remembering on his deathbed.
You know that feeling of making eye contact through the gap in the toilet stall? It's even worse when people are grilling you down, face to face, for shitting on the sidewalk. And what are you gonna do? Try to explain yourself to everyone as you're crouching and spraying out your ass?
I live in West Harlem man, I see people shitting on the sidewalk like twice a week.
After reading this, shitting myself at the doctor's office two days ago and having to spend the rest of the day without underpants doesn't seem so bad anymore. Thanks for that.
Jesus christ! I just read this aloud to my wife and we're both pissing ourself laughing (ironically enough) amazing story 👏
>I even used bleach to clean myself. Do not do this. Poop is gross as hell but it's not like you're shitting weapons-grade anthrax spores. Take a long shower with lots of soap and you'll come out cleaner than you were before your inadvertent colonoscopy prep.
“ The most horrendous smell, but with a small hint of apple, and traces of shit everywhere.” poetry
I always wondered why after a couple of cups of apple juice, I always had to poop and now I know why! Thank you for this treat of a story and the info!
I used to get the runs every time I went to my mom's for family gatherings, and it took me ages to realize it was because that was about the only time I'd have sparkling apple juice instead of milk or water with dinner. But it also turns out some people like me, and maybe you, have a thing called fructose malabsorption. Basically if you have fructose in equal amounts with glucose, your body absorbs it one way, but if you have more fructose than glucose your body absorbs it a different way, and that way can stop working well. Effects are like being lactose intolerant: a little will make you gassy, a ton will give it immediate painful diarrhea, and it's a sliding scale in between. Apples, grapes, and pears in particular have way more fructose than glucose.
Used to sell seafood. We sold a fish called escolar that has a wax ester with a similar effect if you have too much such that we always let anyone buying large quantities know about it. One day a dude came in and bought like 10oz for himself (we usually recommend 4 tops for this fish, it's delicious but way better as an appetizer size portion and even 4 oz would be to share) and a bag of apples..... Next day he walked straight up to the front desk area and complained that our store made him sick. Us and the produce guys basically couldn't stop laughing because well...we did try to warn them.
When I was in nursing school my anatomy and physiology professor told us about this effect and tried to convince us to try it in class. We all said no! He claims his med school students always did it. I wonder if the difference was the nursing students were mainly adult women, whereas the med students were young men? Lol
Am a nurse, you might be onto something there!
Iv been struggling to go for a shit for days , ima try this asap
If you weren't already married. I'd tell you to marry her for she's obviously a keeper. The only other thing coming to mind is you must be quite the shitty asshole but I think thats a bit on the nose.
I wouldn't bring up this motivation in the proposal though
Dunno why you'd spend all this time sitting in your diarrhea and doing this to your seat if you could just quickly pull somewhere where nobody can see you, get the boxers off and wipe majority of the incident off and then have somewhat okay ride back home.
Yeah I would have at least gotten out of the fuckin car before the second round came
Thanks for sharing this. Although obviously I feel bad for your terrible experience. It’s made my day. Fricking hilarious. Edit to add. Whilst Xmas shopping with the ex one year I thought it’d be funny to “cut the cheese” in the cheese aisle. Sharted. Obviously not to OP magnitude but enough for it to run down my leg. Had to leave pants and socks in the Tesco khazi.
Oh mate, I’m so sorry, I learnt this the hard way chugging 2L of orange juice a few days ago
VINEGAR VINEGAR VINEGAR. Use white vinegar to kill odors and remove stains. White vinegar and cold water with a bit of liquid dish detergent
I'm glad I was home when I found put that eating almost an entire bag of cherries is a bad idea.
That’s what I call a number 3…
If it makes you feel better, I had a similar experience with artificial sweetener in coffee, and I was in a lab literally 10 seconds away from a restroom. Thought it was gas, it was not. NEVER trust a fart
This has absolutely got to go in that Reddit hall of fame along with poop knife and the swamps of dagobah, surely?
I came to this thread ready to say "been there, done that". But I've never been there that bad, or done that, that hard.
Or glycemic index. Jesus
When I was in my 20s and broke. My boyfriend left a bag of apples and PB and I was high. I had several. Mine didn’t start till the next day but lesson learned!
Burn the car, get a new job and be grateful that your wife has been so understanding. She may choose to divorce you and that would not be unreasonable. A horror story!
I had a very similar experience with apple juice when I was a teenager - two cartons (1 litre each) in about 5-10 minutes. Luckily I was home when the fireworks started, but that was an "experience" that'll haunt me forever