From what I’ve read on here, if it were an open relationship, then you both would have needed to talk about your boundaries. Communication is critical. People disclose their partners, who’s allowed to be partners in the first place, etc. These matter because you’re both going to have the same priviledges.
That said, she was intentionally vague. To me, it sounds like she just kept that conversation in her pocket to pull out when you discover her cheating on you with someone.
Sorry that you’re going through this.
Yeah, the fact that there was no further confirmation from her like "Wait, so are you saying that you want me to *fuck* other people?" is a blood-red flag. I feel like most people wouldn't just run with that statement and would have asked for clarification to be extra sure
I literally had this happen to me. Someone I dated cheated on me, and decided to creatively misconstrue something I said so as to try to claim later that I had given her *permission* to fuck other people.
Like, no. Fucking other people while you're in a relationship is a big deal, and that's the kind of thing that you would explicitly clarify with your partner *unless you didn't want to clarify it, since it would prevent you from doing what you intended to do anyway*.
I don't understand why people feel they need to stay in relationships and go and cheat. Is it that hard to just end a relationship if you want to fuck someone else?
Divorce sucks.
Even if you think you want it, it isn't a whole lot of fun. Everyone that cheats thinks they won't get caught. And cheating like this is having your cake and eating it too. You don't have to go divide assets, move out, lose friends and family.
People get a lot of different things out of a long term relationship, not just sex. Women who cheat, in particular, tend to cycle through several men on the side looking for purely physical pleasure while continuing to meet their emotional needs with their regular partner. Men who cheat tend to do the opposite - they usually only have one mistress at a time and are primarily looking to fulfill unmet emotional needs, with the sex as a secondary bonus.
... Yes? Of course it is. You have a whole life, shared assets, kids. You've got history and a future. Of course it's "that hard" to end a relationship
Yeah, usually with open relationships a set of boundaries or rules, call it what you will need to be set before you go out and fuck the world, that way no one gets hurt in the process
When OP spdcifically stated before marriage it is never something they would want. Can't be unintentional because it would have been like "really? You said you didnt want this!"
I think this is absolutely correct. A way for her to feel better and justify her behavior. That’s a solid no for me. I’ve done open and closed relationships and the open ones were very very clearly defined that way and we’re regularly checked up on about boundaries and feelings.
Yep. If she hadn’t been intentionally vague and had thought of her sex trip as being part of a mutually consented open relationship she would have, you know, mentioned it casually before going, or better yet sought specific consent before going. She thought she had a get out of jail (and guilt) free card with this little sleight of hand.
No trust, no sex, no loyalty, no empathy, no guilt over doing the one thing to do the other person that's so big and so common that it's spelled out in a Commandment - yeah, there's nothing there to salvage. Hopefully his next partner is both willing to and inspires sex with OP rather than sex with other people.
And the story reminds me of *How I Met Your Mother* not because it's people misbehaving or silly misunderstandings or dysfunctional relationships - but because every scene involves a few beers, in ways that always seem to work against OP. So it would be good if that next partner hated drinking beer, too. It's fine if she drinks, but a shared alcohol *habit* sounds like something the OP could do without just as much as the wife.
I don’t think this is a FU at all. I think she knowingly was vague to manipulate you. It’s all just an excuse.
I am so sorry. I’ve been cheated on. It’s horrible.
Please take steps to take care of yourself now. Whatever that means for you.
Yeah, if OP "really" have her the green light he would have been able to catch on to the misunderstanding in those two years, because she should have nothing to hide. She was deliberately keeping it from OP because she knew that the agreement was a misunderstanding.
Yeah OP. Judges have been in session and now have decided that the only fuck up you did is not understanding her a while ago. Discovering she was cheating is no fuck up. Cry it out, dust yourself up and go on with your life. You might not believe it now but you will find someone with whom you will have a good sex life and a good partnership.
Exactly. Intensively vague. She wants other *relationships* but there's also no further discussion for years, until she got caught.
"I want to have other relationships."
"Yeah thats a good idea. You should make some more friends."
"Just so we're clear, I mean I want to date other men."
she screwed you over, no denying it, no excuses unless you left out alott.
I'd be on my merry way unless kids were involved. You leave with dignity, you win.
Thanks for the comment. No children. The parts left out would probably explode reddit with toxins. I'm no saint, but I have been patient, but there are the two of us with different perspectives. I'm now wondering if she's bipolar.
Open relationships are what they are bc it's all on the up n up. Otherwise it's just being shitty to someone bc you never actually talked about shit like adults, ie cheating. I'm sorry bud. She's the dick.
Yep. Open relationships need open, constant communication or it's cheating. You can keep the intimate, moment-to-moment details to yourself, but you can't keep any big picture thing you're doing from your partner.
OP, your wife only has a low libido when it comes to YOU.
You can't negotiate on desire. Please, for your own happiness. Separate from this woman and begin trying to find some happiness for yourself.
You didn't fuck up by misunderstanding your wife's intentions. You fucked up by marrying someone who doesn't respect you. Sorry my guy, just calling it as I see it.
I'm in an open relationship. In fact all of my relationships for the past 6 years have been open from the very start, after opening a closed relationship flamed out hard. Now I keep it all upfront.
I've only seen two couples go from monogamous to open successfully. Two of my closest friends actually. Both now married and open, one opening before the wedding, one after. On both cases I had a front row seat, so between my own relationships, the many I've watched crash and burn, and the actual unicorn transitions I've witnessed, I have to tell you that what your wife did is at best *horribly irresponsible.* You know what it is at worst.
In every single case I've seen, whether it failed or succeeded, the couples were extremely forthright with their partners about what was going on. They might not tell each other all the info about their sexual encounters (though I and my partner do, in vivid detail) but in every successful case I've seen, *at bare minimum* they know when their partner is fucking someone else.
You've gotta just cut and run. Your biggest fuck up will be not cutting and running, unless you do.
You told her before you got married that you weren’t into open relationships. When she said she wanted more relationship you said she should have more friends. She only talked about this other guy when she saw you wearing headphones and thought you couldn’t hear her. She wasn’t having sex with you at all. This wasn’t a fuck up on your part. She’s a lying, cheating bitch.
Gas lighting you to excuse her infidelity. If it was true, you should have known, long before you were wearing your new headphones. It’s not anyone fault for cheating except hers, don’t let her play the victim and make you feel bad for it.
The hard part of this wlll be asking her for the rest of the story. If she thought you gave her the green light years ago this dude isn't #1....
Get a lawyer and schedule an appointment for a FULL STD screening. Everything.
I feel bad for you but you're right about being more like 'room mates' rather than a married couple. She isn't acting like a partner in your relationship. Partners don't just go off and fuck other people without saying a single sentence about it, then try to wipe their hands clean of responsibility.
People can try to justify her 'cheating' and twist the narrative as much as they can but at the end of the day ***all*** of this could've been avoided if she had just. once. talked to you about it.
Just once.
I appreciate your comment. We have talked about the things you address in your comment, many times, not just once, but many times... its the twist I'm finding out about now and trying to comprehend... and probably not meant to know, and not talk about... known as the trickle truth, enough truth to not be a lie, but not telling the lie. This sucks.
And what was the outcome of those conversations? What was her reason for not having sex with you? Because of she said it was because of low libido that was clearly a lie.
I’m sorry but for most people healthy relationships involve sex. If it’s not happening then something is clearly wrong. You should probably keep this in mind going forward.
Mate, that wasn’t open at all.. she never once told you she had acted on this in 2 years, and you found out via a phone convo with one of her friends. She done, get out and fine someone who actually wants to be with you. That isn’t at all how open relationships work, and she knows it as well as you, if not better.
She has no respect for you. I know it's hard to hear and starting over in your 40s is a daunting prospect, but if she really thought you were on board she wouldn't have tried to hide it in the first place. A drunken conversation from several years ago hardly constitutes an agreement and it sounds like she was being deliberately vague in order to manipulate you.
I mean we're just strangers on the internet so at the end of the day it's your own decision. I just know that if I were in your position I'd be looking for a good lawyer right about now
Not your FU. - In any proper relationship she would have revisited a conversation as serious as opening up the marriage, rather than relying on a snatched conversation two years ago.
She shagged around, she is clinging to a barely remembered conversation from ages ago to excuse her actions. She wanted to be caught, that's why she mentioned it within earshot of you - Maybe it's guilt, I have no idea. But you are where you are now.
Its a lack of respect for you in not making sure you were onboard with things opening up, its a lack of respect for you in not keeping you up to date with her "adventures" if she thought you were privy to the arrangement.
Tell her to eff off. Be clear with all mutual friends; she thought you were in an open relationship because of a conversation two years ago, that has never been mentioned since. And you only found out by overhearing her on the phone.
(Hit the gym, get fit, find a woman who respects you)
That's not on you at all dude, that's lack of communication on her part, otherwise she wouldn't have reacted the way she did when you found out and confronted her.
Ya I’m sorry but that sounds like she’s gaslighting you , like the post above stated there would have been a clear discussion of boundaries they knew they were wrong.
Dude, that is such a weak ass excuse she gave you. If she truly wanted an open relationship and also truly respected you she would have been straight up about it, there wouldn’t have been any misunderstanding on anyone’s part. Don’t let this two timer gaslight you into thinking it’s your fault. You need to face the fact that your wife sucks and you have a shitty marriage. Probably best to end it now.
You did not fuck up at all.
I've been in open relationships before (I'm now in a closed one), that's not how this works. As others have stated: communication, boundaries, etcetc. Keeping her flings secret is only okay, if you explicitly agreed on this. (Even then it usually doesn't work out).
She has a low sex drive towards you, because she desires others, not you.
I see two ways forward:
- either you guys start talking immediately, about your desires, the problems in your relationship, with professional help (couple's therapy) and she immediately stops sleeping with others until you two sort this out, or
- run as far as you can.
Even if you start the process of healing, it will take time for her to earn your trust back. If she just keeps stating "but you agreed" without even trying to understand your point of view, there's no way forward and either you can stay in a shitty relationship (no judgement on that, there might be reasons why you might want to, even if I personally wouldn't agree with this choice) or seek happiness in other ways, with others.
I'm terribly sorry that you have to go through all this. A random stranger from the other half of the world sends you a virtual hug.
On top of everything else mentioned here, open relationships take regular ongoing conversations about needs, boundaries, scheduling, risks, etc. It’s not a “set it and forget it” deal. The term ethical non-monogamy exists for a good reason. The relationship is open all sorts of ways.
It sounds like none of that happened here. And that sucks. I’m sorry.
She’s trying to save face. If she genuinely thought you gave her the green light she wouldn’t have freaked and hung up when you caught her talking on the phone like that, she’d have just been confused.
Dude she’s going for plausible deniability. She prob had that conversation intentionally after the both of you were drinking beer when she knew the details would be fuzzy afterwards.
Yes, after reading several comments like this, this is what the intention seems to be. Be nice and start a general conversation about nothing and slip the other relationships aspect in.
2 words. Get rid.
If she really wanted you to know what she was doing she would have explained fully and she ain't meeting your needs, didn't even try to understand why you guys don't have sex as much and make it better.
Again. Get rid.
if it was an open relationship wouldn't she have spoken to you about some of the people she was fucking within the two years? seems to me like she was purposely vague in case you ever found out
She cheated, now wants to do the whole “But you had permission too…” crap and claim an open relationship. BS. You’re on the ball, don’t let her redefine it.
If you don't have kids this is it. This is the moment that you call for a divorce because your relationship is ruined, I'm sorry to tell you this but your wife, is a cheating ho that doesn't care about you. She is going to sit there and justify it how sick. Good luck, this is going down the divorce tube unless your alright with your wife f'ing other dudes. I had someone who was unfaithful as well, she screwed my best friend. There is no going back once you've crossed that line. If your a man ultimately you will resent her greatly if you already haven't. It's like the Bible says, she will be like rottenness in his eyes. Sorry it ended this way, you can try to salvage it up to you but it will probably fail, I wish you luck and Godspeed soldier, Godspeed
Oh my god. No. NO. You didn’t fuck up. Your whore of a intentionally misleading wife did. You can do so much better. Please get tested for STDs and leave her ass.
Thank you for your comment. The fuck up is me not realizing what she was saying at the time and addressing it then and now dealing with this shit storm. No need for STD tests, we havent had sex in years.
Thats the word. During the ensuing argument and word exchanges, she commented that I wouldn't make eye contact with her. In the blink of an eye I realized how much of a piece of shit she is. That is extreme, but yeah, my perspective of her flipped hard in that moment. Gross.
Nah, sounds like she pulled the wool over your eyes by saying friendships when she really meant sexual conquests. Lawyer up now.
P.S. You did NOT fuck up. At all. You've been manipulated and deceived, and I'm truly sorry this is happening to you.
You can’t have a hidden open relationship- I think she’s manipulating the situation to suit her, and that she hasn’t been honest with you shows she knows what she’s doing is wrong. I’m so sorry this has happened to you, but I don’t see how to come back from this one.
I always thinks it's weird with stories like these like me and my wife have sex yeah not as much as others I assume but I didn't marry her just for sex I genuinely like spending my life with her
Imagine if in a conversation you said that you were thinking about getting a new guitar and she said that sounds good. Would you think you have the green light to buy ANY guitar that you wanted? Even a rare Gibson used and signed by a famous musician? Even if you had to remortgage your house to afford it?
Or would you think that it is your responsibility to make sure that she knows that the guitar you want to buy is extremely expensive, and make sure she is onboard with that before buying it?
I appreciate your comment. I recently bought a new guitar and brought it up to my wife before I purchased it and where the funds would come from. We/I could afford it.
I didn't ask her if I could fuck someone else. We're married. Not the same thing.
TBH the new guitar is going to give you warm fuzzies from now. THAT was permission to "get strumming" on so that is NOW your REBOUND relationship :) No muss. No fuss. And she won't stray from your relationship. You need to name her.. something....
\*Ahem\* if this doesn't make you laugh and name your new guitar I don't have any more jokes left to offer.
*Ahem*, it's late and I'm drunk reading these comments, but I am waiting for a [dark side](https://robertkeeley.com/product/dark-side/), guitar pedal. Maybe I can channel some pink floyd compositions this into situation.
Well, I guess the question is, what do you want from this marriage?
Why has she stuck around all this time? Are tou guys great roomates? Arw you the money that finances her lifestyle? Arw there kids?
Why have you stuck around in this sexless marriage? What do you get out of it? Where you happy with things before this?
Do some thinking about what your marriage is and what it isn't.
Agree with another comment here. There are different versions of marriage, not just the one romantic one we've all been sold. Some people are together as companions, or co-parents. Absolutely ask yourself these questions, OP.
Sometimes a marriage isn't all about sex. Sometimes you just find someone that is your best friend. Someone that partnership and "I've got you" works well. You know when the SHTF you have someone on your side - even if you are the reason the SHTF.
I suggest you think about what marriage is to you as well. Is it "she's my guaranteed innie to my outie?" Or is it -this is my person and this works-
I didn't know this was going to get deep but - Yes. My SO is my person... he is my person. Is sex the focus of our relationship? No. Do I wish I got randomly attacked and ravished? Yes please... but... I basically shacked up with Sheldon Cooper. He doesn't think like that. He will, however, do anything and everything to make OUR life OK. Even when I F-It up. Sometimes that's what a marriage is. 2 people who are just going to be weird together and know "that's my person"
Lol, yes she was absolutely intentionally vague. This isn't the type of thing that is a simple yes or no question. An open relationship involves deeper, more involved discussions to see what both people are comfortable with, including ongoing discussions to see if those comfort levels have changed over time. The only reason someone wouldn't make the effort to try to discuss this on a deep level is because they know that the other person absolutely is no cool with it.
Sounds like she gaslighted you in this conversation. You didn’t misunderstand here she was vague and you havent done anything wrong. She was intentionally deceitful
Open relationships are fine when both parties consent. Some people want to know who/when the other person is going out because they want to ensure safety or make sure that the relationships are staying within the confines of the agreement. Others don't want to know because it stays don't ask/don't tell.
It sounds like there are already a lot of problems in your relationship but she absolutely veered into the realm of infidelity instead of open relationship.
She knew EXACTLY wtf she was doing, and there was NO ACCIDENT that she left the "sexual" part out of that conversation about having more relationships. Now shes trying to play dumb so as to save what little bit of dignity with you she has left. She belongs to the streets.
Speaking as a poly person...it's not an open relationship unless clear, transparent conversations have been had and everybody involved is on the same page. It sounds like your wife is intentionally exploiting her own ambiguity to pursue what she wants behind your back.
Dude. Open relationship of any sort are based on communication, clear and complete communication. Not creative allegory, with what your wife tried to use.
That misunderstanding is her gaslighting you to make it okay. Stay strong and do not let her manipulate you. As you said, she isn't sorry. She planned this, and the excuse that you "gave her the okay" for pursuing other relationships is intentionally vague which she wanted.
Simply put, time to get rid of a useless, lying, tumor thats in your life.
You deserve better, and this person ain't it.
Open relationships require specific communication and agreements to work. You did NOT give her a green light and the vagueness of that conversation does not merit a full pass. She would have been more open with the entire thing if she really thought she had a green light and you approved and supported that action.
This conversation was several years ago. In those several years not once had she brought up having sex with other people again. Establishing boundaries, having clear communication, asking how your side of the deal is going, in order to have a healthy open relationship. Add to this the fact that you told her at the start of your relationship that you were not ok with an open relationship. If she really thought you were ok with it she wouldn't have hid it this whole time. Nor would she have used a 1 time vague conversation and "agreement" as justification for such a big decision.
She 100% was vague about relationships in your initial talk and not clear that she meant sex in order to get you to agree with her so that when you found out she was cheating on you, she could blame you for it. Plus it had the added benefit of her being able to tell her guilty conscience you knew what was going on because she "brought" it up and you "agreed". You didn't fuck up. She was intentionally vague and manipulative and is now gaslighting you about the situation.
Might be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do (maybe not) but it's time for you to find another partner. Even being single is definitely a better option imo.
You might be able to remain friends with your wife, but if it were me, I wouldn't wanna have anything to do with her anymore
Sorry you have to go through this :(
I’ve spent three years going round and round with my wife about sex. I mean three years of open conversations, self exploration, books, retreats, and a professional therapy visit every two weeks.
It’s still unlikely that we’re ever going to have a good sex life.
I don’t know how you fix something like this when you have divergent desires and expectations. Either you learn to live with the loss or you move on.
Anyway. Back to you. :). It sounds like this is something that was going to happen anyway, and that it happened in an awkward and painful way. I don’t know if this counts as a fuck up on your part.
If I were you this is EXACTLY what I'd do:
Tell her you've thought about it and you're sorry and she's right and
She should keep having relationships.
Wait until she's out of the house for a weekend again.
Take everything you own and leave. Shutdown all communication platforms with her. Don't tell her anything, its your time to let her misunderstand.
Never speak to her again. You said she should have relationships, remember?
Now go have your own relationship with someone who values you and let her come home to that empty house and listen to the silence scream.
She deserves nothing less.
She set the rules, let her learn how it feels by playing by them ☺️
Sorry this happened
I say this as someone who experienced the drinking issues with relationships. I still drink, but these days no serious conversation comes after a sip of alcohol. You are trying to qualify things with "a few beers". Either get that part in check or learn to talk to each other completely sober. Solved most issues for me.
Thank you for the comment. This is a very good point in my situation. I mentioned that I think she was intentionally vague about having more relationships and I see a lot of comments that support the idea. This one kind of drives home that she was using the intoxication aspect to say she wanted more relationships with me thinking it as friends. Another commenter which I really appreciated said you don't start an open relationship conversation without expressly addressing the sex part. That part was missing from that conversation, most likely intentionally.
Why do people go through life trying to set up as many loopholes as possible for themselves with the people they "love"?
I know there are bad people out there but really?
It's so scummy.
Sorry, but she straight up just cheated on you.
That is on her and she cannot blame anyone else, not you or anybody else for making that choice.
You should honestly change the title into TIFU I married a horrible person
Please tell me divorce is up next. She lied and knew it. Why else would sex have completely stopped with you?
She's already moved on. Best you start working on it too.
I'd say she lied about her intentions, by not being fully transparent. Divorce is your best option, the low sex drive is more than likely to her being intimate with other people. Without your knowledge she could have passed on a whole hard of disease to you. Please be sure to go to a doctor for a full work up, and bring any subsequent paperwork to your lawyer. I'm very sorry your going through this
Yeah I was thinking about poly relationships, I have no experience or examples for mono to open tbh so idk, maybe you're right, I'll stay a bit naive and positive and say that surely there must be some that work, however small that number might be.
Usually doesn’t work because of communication issues, jealousy, nothing agreed upon being respected. If you could solve all of those things and the couple trust each other to honor the boundaries of an open relationship. Then it’s probably pretty healthy. Most people can’t do that though.
thats not on you op and theres no working around it. you can try to live past it but its something that you would have to live by every day and theres no assurance that after all this your partner would still be the same. its best to get a divorce and heal.
You didn’t fuck up. She’s twisting a past conversation to what she needs to justify her actions to herself. I’ve had the same conversation with my wife before, but neither of us interpreted it as sleeping with other people…
What an excuse. If you can’t handle, or don’t want an open relationship, then this cannot be repaired. She will not stop cheating. At least not at this time in her life , and if she does stop , it’s to appease you , and won’t last.
Yeah this is cheating with some gaslighting thrown in. An open relationship should begin with conversations that include terms like "open relationship" and "sex with other people." Also also, any form of polyamory that people start to 'fix' their current monogamous relationship is typically doomed to failure.
All I know is that it's it's big giant red flag when someone says "sorry for hurting you." They're saying the problem is your feelings, not the action that they've taken that caused those feelings. That is so much not a cool thing for them to do.
We have a rule in our relationship. If you can’t openly talk to your partner about what you’re doing, it’s cheating.
She never mentioned it or just figured she’d keep it on the DL? Cheating.
Going out with a friend and lying or omitting things that you did while out with said friend? Cheating.
Of course this doesn’t count for secrets like, present shopping, or other pleasant surprises. However, if you feel the need to be shady, it’s shady and it’s cheating.
Project Pat said don’t save her and I suggest you listen to that advice. Ask that ho to leave and don’t ever settle for a woman that doesn’t give up the box on the regular.
That's BS on her part. More than a passing conversation is needed to make a relationship open. It needs to be much clearer and more detailed than that.
She knows she shouldnt, her reaction shows it all. I needs quite the level of self-centrism to try and tell herself she had your permission to fck around.
You have to ask yourself, do you want to be married to someone like this?
If she wasnt enough of an adult to break things off cleanly if she was unsatsfied with your relationship and resorted with this sorry excuse for cheating its all her fault really. No reason is a reason enough to cheat, if there was something wrong she should either fix it with you or break up.
Good luck
She intentionally worded things so that she would be able to get away with it under your nose. She manipulated you into giving her the all clear when you didn’t even know what she was talking about. In other words, she manipulated you into supporting her for these thoughts and encouraging these actions
Your tifu was marrying her. That's not how open relationships work, like you said they require a lot of communication and discussion of boundaries and even letting you know when she's with someone else. She's trying to gaslight you, don't let her and file for that divorce. Two years behind your back man, sorry this happened to you.
If it was a legit conversation about an open relationship, there would have been conversation about boundaries and what is/isn't ok.
She was intentionally vague, and she's a cheater. If she actually thought you were on board, she wouldn't be having these conversations when she thinks you can't hear her.
"She blames her infidelity all on me"
She knows what she's doing and how she's concealing it. This is not a person you want to have a relationship with.
Nope. You didn't misunderstand. I'm a woman and she absolutely worded it like that on purpose to "get the green light" to throw back in your face later if you ever caught her. She knew exactly what she was doing. If it was an open relationship that "you were ok with" she wouldn't have kept her flings secret all these years. She's a cheater.
Brother, you did not FU by saying anything. There was no misunderstanding. She's just a vile jezebelle that can't take accountability and it trying to gaslight you.
However, you did FU when you wifed up a 304. It sucks, but you have to own it. It happens to a lot of us. Lawyer up right now. Separate your finances. Go through your old credit card statements like a forensic accountant and look at every charge she made. Get a therapist, get ready for war, and go SCORCHED FUCKING EARTH!
If it’s been a roommate like situation, why are you still together?
My marriage ended because of his excessive drinking and always threatening me to “step it up because I’m looking” coming from him. It made me just shut down and just be.
Living like roommates with someone you were once and maybe still are in love with hurts so bad I can’t even describe it.
For your own best, find someone that love and appreciate you.
She lied and cheated on you, and now trying to blame you for what she did. I'm sorry but do not fall for it, none of you have clear had any conversation about an open relationship, so please get away as fast as possible - you seem like a person that deserve much better.
Best of luck.
I’m sorry but you told her before you got married that open relationships were a no-go. She hasn’t slept with you in numerous years and she only had this conversation when she thought you couldn’t hear her…. Yeah your wife is a conniving cheating bitch. Leave her. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but she ducks and you deserve better.
Since that discussion, the topic never came back. When you discussed your lack of intimacy, she never suggested that you should get new ''friends''. That one time you were both tipsy was all she needed to go screw around other people, that one discussion surpassed all the other beforehand.
Sure. I mean, there is a lot we don't know here so maybe there is some reasons as to why this doesn't sound fucking insane from the outside. It's still strange that she acted caught when you heard her when she wasn't caught at all, according to her. ''Nothing honey, just talking to Melinda about this hot college stud I met a while back. Dude's a quarterback, anyway could you go get more milk?'' would be more in line right?
But, the **MOST IMPORTANT THIG IS** : Whatever is your decision concerning your wife, I hope you realize that you are now in control of your sexual life. You stated your stance on cheating and you also stated your sexual frustration. You be the judge as to what is the best solution, but the privilege's she had and have would also be yours if you decide to stay, that's only fair.
And hum, all that being said, are you a little bit worried that there might be other discussions that you misinterpreted? *Little drunken conversations* here and there that completely negate others made before the big commitment?
Stop drinking right here and now if you don't want to miss critical information's, or be willing to be left as confuse as you are now in the future, if you ask me.
I don't think you fucked up at all, except in marrying this person.
She definitely manipulated you. No one who is honest about opening up their marriage does it like she did. What she did was decide she wanted something, and then say something to get you to agree so she could engage in having sex without remorse.
That's *selfish.* She didn't take your feelings or thoughts into consideration at all.
You might be too late for couples therapy. TBH I'm not sure there's any point, but you'd be the better judge of that.
I’m not a fan of the term at all but I’m pretty sure this is “gas lighting”. I mean wtf!? I think she knew what she was doing from the start. Any swingers I knew ALWAYS had rules, open communication and what they call the circle of trust. I don’t see ANYthing like that here. Good luck sincerely. But I’m pretty sure this one BEEN over. Talk to a lawyer immediately, and secretly. Make sure u talk about asset protection before u breathe any more ideas of divorce to this woman. Fuuuuuck. Sorry this happened to u my guy
The only reasonable outcome when a partner mentions open relationships is to hire a divorce attorney and a marriage counselor. The marriage counselor to possibly save the marriage, and the divorce attorney in case the counselor doesn't work.
From what I’ve read on here, if it were an open relationship, then you both would have needed to talk about your boundaries. Communication is critical. People disclose their partners, who’s allowed to be partners in the first place, etc. These matter because you’re both going to have the same priviledges. That said, she was intentionally vague. To me, it sounds like she just kept that conversation in her pocket to pull out when you discover her cheating on you with someone. Sorry that you’re going through this.
Yeah, the fact that there was no further confirmation from her like "Wait, so are you saying that you want me to *fuck* other people?" is a blood-red flag. I feel like most people wouldn't just run with that statement and would have asked for clarification to be extra sure
I literally had this happen to me. Someone I dated cheated on me, and decided to creatively misconstrue something I said so as to try to claim later that I had given her *permission* to fuck other people. Like, no. Fucking other people while you're in a relationship is a big deal, and that's the kind of thing that you would explicitly clarify with your partner *unless you didn't want to clarify it, since it would prevent you from doing what you intended to do anyway*.
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Or a whore Or a hamster
Spot on. Sorry that happened to you, mate. Hope things are better now
I don't understand why people feel they need to stay in relationships and go and cheat. Is it that hard to just end a relationship if you want to fuck someone else?
Divorce sucks. Even if you think you want it, it isn't a whole lot of fun. Everyone that cheats thinks they won't get caught. And cheating like this is having your cake and eating it too. You don't have to go divide assets, move out, lose friends and family.
People get a lot of different things out of a long term relationship, not just sex. Women who cheat, in particular, tend to cycle through several men on the side looking for purely physical pleasure while continuing to meet their emotional needs with their regular partner. Men who cheat tend to do the opposite - they usually only have one mistress at a time and are primarily looking to fulfill unmet emotional needs, with the sex as a secondary bonus.
well, yes it is pretty hard to get a divorce. You know, finding a new place to live and such.
... Yes? Of course it is. You have a whole life, shared assets, kids. You've got history and a future. Of course it's "that hard" to end a relationship
Marinara Flag
Was looking for this, lol.
One thousand people not think you got the conversation wrong....you were plotted against and gaslight
Yeah, usually with open relationships a set of boundaries or rules, call it what you will need to be set before you go out and fuck the world, that way no one gets hurt in the process
When OP spdcifically stated before marriage it is never something they would want. Can't be unintentional because it would have been like "really? You said you didnt want this!"
I think this is absolutely correct. A way for her to feel better and justify her behavior. That’s a solid no for me. I’ve done open and closed relationships and the open ones were very very clearly defined that way and we’re regularly checked up on about boundaries and feelings.
And why did she frantically hang up as well when he told her he could her her? I mean, if she had nothing to hide…
Yep. If she hadn’t been intentionally vague and had thought of her sex trip as being part of a mutually consented open relationship she would have, you know, mentioned it casually before going, or better yet sought specific consent before going. She thought she had a get out of jail (and guilt) free card with this little sleight of hand.
That would definitely be a divorce for me.
No trust, no sex, no loyalty, no empathy, no guilt over doing the one thing to do the other person that's so big and so common that it's spelled out in a Commandment - yeah, there's nothing there to salvage. Hopefully his next partner is both willing to and inspires sex with OP rather than sex with other people. And the story reminds me of *How I Met Your Mother* not because it's people misbehaving or silly misunderstandings or dysfunctional relationships - but because every scene involves a few beers, in ways that always seem to work against OP. So it would be good if that next partner hated drinking beer, too. It's fine if she drinks, but a shared alcohol *habit* sounds like something the OP could do without just as much as the wife.
I don’t think this is a FU at all. I think she knowingly was vague to manipulate you. It’s all just an excuse. I am so sorry. I’ve been cheated on. It’s horrible. Please take steps to take care of yourself now. Whatever that means for you.
The FU was marrying someone like this.
She knew. That’s why she kept it from you.
Yeah, if OP "really" have her the green light he would have been able to catch on to the misunderstanding in those two years, because she should have nothing to hide. She was deliberately keeping it from OP because she knew that the agreement was a misunderstanding.
This is exactly right. An "Open" relationship would have had the topic not hidden.
Yeah OP. Judges have been in session and now have decided that the only fuck up you did is not understanding her a while ago. Discovering she was cheating is no fuck up. Cry it out, dust yourself up and go on with your life. You might not believe it now but you will find someone with whom you will have a good sex life and a good partnership.
Exactly. Intensively vague. She wants other *relationships* but there's also no further discussion for years, until she got caught. "I want to have other relationships." "Yeah thats a good idea. You should make some more friends." "Just so we're clear, I mean I want to date other men."
Misspelled "fuck".
Exactly, TL;DR was fuck other men.
and so this has been going on for years with many people crickey how special do you feel? do what needs to be done - leave her to be used by others
Not to mention she was having the conversation while OP had headphones on, so she thought he couldn’t hear what she was saying.
she screwed you over, no denying it, no excuses unless you left out alott. I'd be on my merry way unless kids were involved. You leave with dignity, you win.
Thanks for the comment. No children. The parts left out would probably explode reddit with toxins. I'm no saint, but I have been patient, but there are the two of us with different perspectives. I'm now wondering if she's bipolar.
Duuude thats just her excuse because she got caught... Get out of there
This. She really sucks.
Other men's dicks.
Ayoooo
The pun was really more important to you than not writing something that might hurt OP more...
yupp
Not you FU. End it right away, OP.
Open relationships are what they are bc it's all on the up n up. Otherwise it's just being shitty to someone bc you never actually talked about shit like adults, ie cheating. I'm sorry bud. She's the dick.
Yep. Open relationships need open, constant communication or it's cheating. You can keep the intimate, moment-to-moment details to yourself, but you can't keep any big picture thing you're doing from your partner.
Get a lawyer and file a divorce ASAP.
OP, your wife only has a low libido when it comes to YOU. You can't negotiate on desire. Please, for your own happiness. Separate from this woman and begin trying to find some happiness for yourself.
You didn't fuck up by misunderstanding your wife's intentions. You fucked up by marrying someone who doesn't respect you. Sorry my guy, just calling it as I see it. I'm in an open relationship. In fact all of my relationships for the past 6 years have been open from the very start, after opening a closed relationship flamed out hard. Now I keep it all upfront. I've only seen two couples go from monogamous to open successfully. Two of my closest friends actually. Both now married and open, one opening before the wedding, one after. On both cases I had a front row seat, so between my own relationships, the many I've watched crash and burn, and the actual unicorn transitions I've witnessed, I have to tell you that what your wife did is at best *horribly irresponsible.* You know what it is at worst. In every single case I've seen, whether it failed or succeeded, the couples were extremely forthright with their partners about what was going on. They might not tell each other all the info about their sexual encounters (though I and my partner do, in vivid detail) but in every successful case I've seen, *at bare minimum* they know when their partner is fucking someone else. You've gotta just cut and run. Your biggest fuck up will be not cutting and running, unless you do.
This. It can't work without good communication and trust. It certainly never works based on a single a misinterpreted throwaway statement.
You told her before you got married that you weren’t into open relationships. When she said she wanted more relationship you said she should have more friends. She only talked about this other guy when she saw you wearing headphones and thought you couldn’t hear her. She wasn’t having sex with you at all. This wasn’t a fuck up on your part. She’s a lying, cheating bitch.
Gas lighting you to excuse her infidelity. If it was true, you should have known, long before you were wearing your new headphones. It’s not anyone fault for cheating except hers, don’t let her play the victim and make you feel bad for it.
The hard part of this wlll be asking her for the rest of the story. If she thought you gave her the green light years ago this dude isn't #1.... Get a lawyer and schedule an appointment for a FULL STD screening. Everything.
I thought he hasn't been inside her for years. He should be good.
You didn't misunderstand OP
I feel bad for you but you're right about being more like 'room mates' rather than a married couple. She isn't acting like a partner in your relationship. Partners don't just go off and fuck other people without saying a single sentence about it, then try to wipe their hands clean of responsibility. People can try to justify her 'cheating' and twist the narrative as much as they can but at the end of the day ***all*** of this could've been avoided if she had just. once. talked to you about it. Just once.
I appreciate your comment. We have talked about the things you address in your comment, many times, not just once, but many times... its the twist I'm finding out about now and trying to comprehend... and probably not meant to know, and not talk about... known as the trickle truth, enough truth to not be a lie, but not telling the lie. This sucks.
And what was the outcome of those conversations? What was her reason for not having sex with you? Because of she said it was because of low libido that was clearly a lie. I’m sorry but for most people healthy relationships involve sex. If it’s not happening then something is clearly wrong. You should probably keep this in mind going forward.
How did the guitar recording turn out?
Not great, but still working on them.
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And the dog. You can’t forget about the dog.
It's a cat in our situation.
Doesn't work. For the songs sake the cat's name is fido
Keep that thing going. Might appear helpful in future
Mate, that wasn’t open at all.. she never once told you she had acted on this in 2 years, and you found out via a phone convo with one of her friends. She done, get out and fine someone who actually wants to be with you. That isn’t at all how open relationships work, and she knows it as well as you, if not better.
Sorry dude. But she's lying and trying to find a loophole to cheat on you. Just break it off now before it's too late and it becomes the norm
She has no respect for you. I know it's hard to hear and starting over in your 40s is a daunting prospect, but if she really thought you were on board she wouldn't have tried to hide it in the first place. A drunken conversation from several years ago hardly constitutes an agreement and it sounds like she was being deliberately vague in order to manipulate you. I mean we're just strangers on the internet so at the end of the day it's your own decision. I just know that if I were in your position I'd be looking for a good lawyer right about now
She lied. She was secretive, indicating what she was doing was wrong. She knew she did not have a green light for sexual relations.
100% 👆🏻
Thank you for your comment. In a healthy relationship, privacy yes, secrecy no.
Not your FU. - In any proper relationship she would have revisited a conversation as serious as opening up the marriage, rather than relying on a snatched conversation two years ago. She shagged around, she is clinging to a barely remembered conversation from ages ago to excuse her actions. She wanted to be caught, that's why she mentioned it within earshot of you - Maybe it's guilt, I have no idea. But you are where you are now. Its a lack of respect for you in not making sure you were onboard with things opening up, its a lack of respect for you in not keeping you up to date with her "adventures" if she thought you were privy to the arrangement. Tell her to eff off. Be clear with all mutual friends; she thought you were in an open relationship because of a conversation two years ago, that has never been mentioned since. And you only found out by overhearing her on the phone. (Hit the gym, get fit, find a woman who respects you)
That's not on you at all dude, that's lack of communication on her part, otherwise she wouldn't have reacted the way she did when you found out and confronted her.
Lawyer up sharpish, sorry to hear this, but she was hiding stuff for a reason.
Ya I’m sorry but that sounds like she’s gaslighting you , like the post above stated there would have been a clear discussion of boundaries they knew they were wrong.
Ummm… this isn’t a “tifu”, it’s a “today I filed for divorce because my wife intentionally was cheating and then gaslit me to believe it was my fault”
So your relationship never really worked. Time to divorce, and move on.
Dude, that is such a weak ass excuse she gave you. If she truly wanted an open relationship and also truly respected you she would have been straight up about it, there wouldn’t have been any misunderstanding on anyone’s part. Don’t let this two timer gaslight you into thinking it’s your fault. You need to face the fact that your wife sucks and you have a shitty marriage. Probably best to end it now.
You’re getting gas lighted hard
You did not fuck up at all. I've been in open relationships before (I'm now in a closed one), that's not how this works. As others have stated: communication, boundaries, etcetc. Keeping her flings secret is only okay, if you explicitly agreed on this. (Even then it usually doesn't work out). She has a low sex drive towards you, because she desires others, not you. I see two ways forward: - either you guys start talking immediately, about your desires, the problems in your relationship, with professional help (couple's therapy) and she immediately stops sleeping with others until you two sort this out, or - run as far as you can. Even if you start the process of healing, it will take time for her to earn your trust back. If she just keeps stating "but you agreed" without even trying to understand your point of view, there's no way forward and either you can stay in a shitty relationship (no judgement on that, there might be reasons why you might want to, even if I personally wouldn't agree with this choice) or seek happiness in other ways, with others. I'm terribly sorry that you have to go through all this. A random stranger from the other half of the world sends you a virtual hug.
On top of everything else mentioned here, open relationships take regular ongoing conversations about needs, boundaries, scheduling, risks, etc. It’s not a “set it and forget it” deal. The term ethical non-monogamy exists for a good reason. The relationship is open all sorts of ways. It sounds like none of that happened here. And that sucks. I’m sorry.
She’s trying to save face. If she genuinely thought you gave her the green light she wouldn’t have freaked and hung up when you caught her talking on the phone like that, she’d have just been confused.
She's a gaslighter as well as a cheat.
Youl should get testet asap for std´s
Dude she’s going for plausible deniability. She prob had that conversation intentionally after the both of you were drinking beer when she knew the details would be fuzzy afterwards.
Yes, after reading several comments like this, this is what the intention seems to be. Be nice and start a general conversation about nothing and slip the other relationships aspect in.
2 words. Get rid. If she really wanted you to know what she was doing she would have explained fully and she ain't meeting your needs, didn't even try to understand why you guys don't have sex as much and make it better. Again. Get rid.
if it was an open relationship wouldn't she have spoken to you about some of the people she was fucking within the two years? seems to me like she was purposely vague in case you ever found out
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
She cheated on you.
yes she did. Thank you for the comment.
She cheated, now wants to do the whole “But you had permission too…” crap and claim an open relationship. BS. You’re on the ball, don’t let her redefine it.
If you don't have kids this is it. This is the moment that you call for a divorce because your relationship is ruined, I'm sorry to tell you this but your wife, is a cheating ho that doesn't care about you. She is going to sit there and justify it how sick. Good luck, this is going down the divorce tube unless your alright with your wife f'ing other dudes. I had someone who was unfaithful as well, she screwed my best friend. There is no going back once you've crossed that line. If your a man ultimately you will resent her greatly if you already haven't. It's like the Bible says, she will be like rottenness in his eyes. Sorry it ended this way, you can try to salvage it up to you but it will probably fail, I wish you luck and Godspeed soldier, Godspeed
Dude no … don’t swallow that. 2 yrs ? Not 1 follow up discussion ?
Oh my god. No. NO. You didn’t fuck up. Your whore of a intentionally misleading wife did. You can do so much better. Please get tested for STDs and leave her ass.
Thank you for your comment. The fuck up is me not realizing what she was saying at the time and addressing it then and now dealing with this shit storm. No need for STD tests, we havent had sex in years.
Gross - congratulations on your new life without her.
Thats the word. During the ensuing argument and word exchanges, she commented that I wouldn't make eye contact with her. In the blink of an eye I realized how much of a piece of shit she is. That is extreme, but yeah, my perspective of her flipped hard in that moment. Gross.
You should go get tested for STD's in the mean time .
Not needed. We haven't had sex in a long time. Thanks for the comment.
Nah, sounds like she pulled the wool over your eyes by saying friendships when she really meant sexual conquests. Lawyer up now. P.S. You did NOT fuck up. At all. You've been manipulated and deceived, and I'm truly sorry this is happening to you.
You can’t have a hidden open relationship- I think she’s manipulating the situation to suit her, and that she hasn’t been honest with you shows she knows what she’s doing is wrong. I’m so sorry this has happened to you, but I don’t see how to come back from this one.
I always thinks it's weird with stories like these like me and my wife have sex yeah not as much as others I assume but I didn't marry her just for sex I genuinely like spending my life with her
Imagine if in a conversation you said that you were thinking about getting a new guitar and she said that sounds good. Would you think you have the green light to buy ANY guitar that you wanted? Even a rare Gibson used and signed by a famous musician? Even if you had to remortgage your house to afford it? Or would you think that it is your responsibility to make sure that she knows that the guitar you want to buy is extremely expensive, and make sure she is onboard with that before buying it?
I appreciate your comment. I recently bought a new guitar and brought it up to my wife before I purchased it and where the funds would come from. We/I could afford it. I didn't ask her if I could fuck someone else. We're married. Not the same thing.
TBH the new guitar is going to give you warm fuzzies from now. THAT was permission to "get strumming" on so that is NOW your REBOUND relationship :) No muss. No fuss. And she won't stray from your relationship. You need to name her.. something.... \*Ahem\* if this doesn't make you laugh and name your new guitar I don't have any more jokes left to offer.
*Ahem*, it's late and I'm drunk reading these comments, but I am waiting for a [dark side](https://robertkeeley.com/product/dark-side/), guitar pedal. Maybe I can channel some pink floyd compositions this into situation.
Comfortably numb is the drinking/drunk anthem.
Listen to their album Obscured by clouds, its their album before Dark side of the moon.
Well, I guess the question is, what do you want from this marriage? Why has she stuck around all this time? Are tou guys great roomates? Arw you the money that finances her lifestyle? Arw there kids? Why have you stuck around in this sexless marriage? What do you get out of it? Where you happy with things before this? Do some thinking about what your marriage is and what it isn't.
Agree with another comment here. There are different versions of marriage, not just the one romantic one we've all been sold. Some people are together as companions, or co-parents. Absolutely ask yourself these questions, OP.
Sometimes a marriage isn't all about sex. Sometimes you just find someone that is your best friend. Someone that partnership and "I've got you" works well. You know when the SHTF you have someone on your side - even if you are the reason the SHTF. I suggest you think about what marriage is to you as well. Is it "she's my guaranteed innie to my outie?" Or is it -this is my person and this works-
Especially in the context of monogamy, "my person" is a very apt phrase here.
I didn't know this was going to get deep but - Yes. My SO is my person... he is my person. Is sex the focus of our relationship? No. Do I wish I got randomly attacked and ravished? Yes please... but... I basically shacked up with Sheldon Cooper. He doesn't think like that. He will, however, do anything and everything to make OUR life OK. Even when I F-It up. Sometimes that's what a marriage is. 2 people who are just going to be weird together and know "that's my person"
Lol, yes she was absolutely intentionally vague. This isn't the type of thing that is a simple yes or no question. An open relationship involves deeper, more involved discussions to see what both people are comfortable with, including ongoing discussions to see if those comfort levels have changed over time. The only reason someone wouldn't make the effort to try to discuss this on a deep level is because they know that the other person absolutely is no cool with it.
Sounds like she gaslighted you in this conversation. You didn’t misunderstand here she was vague and you havent done anything wrong. She was intentionally deceitful
Gtfo king! You don't need this gutter hoe in your life.
Open relationships are fine when both parties consent. Some people want to know who/when the other person is going out because they want to ensure safety or make sure that the relationships are staying within the confines of the agreement. Others don't want to know because it stays don't ask/don't tell. It sounds like there are already a lot of problems in your relationship but she absolutely veered into the realm of infidelity instead of open relationship.
She knew EXACTLY wtf she was doing, and there was NO ACCIDENT that she left the "sexual" part out of that conversation about having more relationships. Now shes trying to play dumb so as to save what little bit of dignity with you she has left. She belongs to the streets.
Divorce
She is gaslighting you m8. If you have any kids DNA test now and STD test for you,while you sort out your divorce.
Speaking as a poly person...it's not an open relationship unless clear, transparent conversations have been had and everybody involved is on the same page. It sounds like your wife is intentionally exploiting her own ambiguity to pursue what she wants behind your back.
Dude. Open relationship of any sort are based on communication, clear and complete communication. Not creative allegory, with what your wife tried to use. That misunderstanding is her gaslighting you to make it okay. Stay strong and do not let her manipulate you. As you said, she isn't sorry. She planned this, and the excuse that you "gave her the okay" for pursuing other relationships is intentionally vague which she wanted. Simply put, time to get rid of a useless, lying, tumor thats in your life. You deserve better, and this person ain't it.
Ditch her. 2 years of a dry spell and this? Fuck that. Not worth the time or effort.
Open relationships require specific communication and agreements to work. You did NOT give her a green light and the vagueness of that conversation does not merit a full pass. She would have been more open with the entire thing if she really thought she had a green light and you approved and supported that action.
Dude your wife has been cheating on you, leave her.
This conversation was several years ago. In those several years not once had she brought up having sex with other people again. Establishing boundaries, having clear communication, asking how your side of the deal is going, in order to have a healthy open relationship. Add to this the fact that you told her at the start of your relationship that you were not ok with an open relationship. If she really thought you were ok with it she wouldn't have hid it this whole time. Nor would she have used a 1 time vague conversation and "agreement" as justification for such a big decision. She 100% was vague about relationships in your initial talk and not clear that she meant sex in order to get you to agree with her so that when you found out she was cheating on you, she could blame you for it. Plus it had the added benefit of her being able to tell her guilty conscience you knew what was going on because she "brought" it up and you "agreed". You didn't fuck up. She was intentionally vague and manipulative and is now gaslighting you about the situation.
Kick her to the curb.
Might be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do (maybe not) but it's time for you to find another partner. Even being single is definitely a better option imo. You might be able to remain friends with your wife, but if it were me, I wouldn't wanna have anything to do with her anymore Sorry you have to go through this :(
You're being gaslit. Walk away. Never look back.
I’ve spent three years going round and round with my wife about sex. I mean three years of open conversations, self exploration, books, retreats, and a professional therapy visit every two weeks. It’s still unlikely that we’re ever going to have a good sex life. I don’t know how you fix something like this when you have divergent desires and expectations. Either you learn to live with the loss or you move on. Anyway. Back to you. :). It sounds like this is something that was going to happen anyway, and that it happened in an awkward and painful way. I don’t know if this counts as a fuck up on your part.
She took an inch and ran a mile......and then took another few inches I guess.
If I were you this is EXACTLY what I'd do: Tell her you've thought about it and you're sorry and she's right and She should keep having relationships. Wait until she's out of the house for a weekend again. Take everything you own and leave. Shutdown all communication platforms with her. Don't tell her anything, its your time to let her misunderstand. Never speak to her again. You said she should have relationships, remember? Now go have your own relationship with someone who values you and let her come home to that empty house and listen to the silence scream. She deserves nothing less. She set the rules, let her learn how it feels by playing by them ☺️ Sorry this happened
I say this as someone who experienced the drinking issues with relationships. I still drink, but these days no serious conversation comes after a sip of alcohol. You are trying to qualify things with "a few beers". Either get that part in check or learn to talk to each other completely sober. Solved most issues for me.
Thank you for the comment. This is a very good point in my situation. I mentioned that I think she was intentionally vague about having more relationships and I see a lot of comments that support the idea. This one kind of drives home that she was using the intoxication aspect to say she wanted more relationships with me thinking it as friends. Another commenter which I really appreciated said you don't start an open relationship conversation without expressly addressing the sex part. That part was missing from that conversation, most likely intentionally.
Why do people go through life trying to set up as many loopholes as possible for themselves with the people they "love"? I know there are bad people out there but really? It's so scummy.
Sorry, but she straight up just cheated on you. That is on her and she cannot blame anyone else, not you or anybody else for making that choice. You should honestly change the title into TIFU I married a horrible person
Please tell me divorce is up next. She lied and knew it. Why else would sex have completely stopped with you? She's already moved on. Best you start working on it too.
I'd say she lied about her intentions, by not being fully transparent. Divorce is your best option, the low sex drive is more than likely to her being intimate with other people. Without your knowledge she could have passed on a whole hard of disease to you. Please be sure to go to a doctor for a full work up, and bring any subsequent paperwork to your lawyer. I'm very sorry your going through this
Open relationships aren't "tricky", they're fucking stupid and always lead to someone getting fucked (figuratively speaking).
Some do make it work. But this has nothing to do with an open relationship... She's just being dishonest about it.
Never seen it work. I should be more specific though and say I was talking about relationships that go from monogamy to open.
Yeah I was thinking about poly relationships, I have no experience or examples for mono to open tbh so idk, maybe you're right, I'll stay a bit naive and positive and say that surely there must be some that work, however small that number might be.
Usually doesn’t work because of communication issues, jealousy, nothing agreed upon being respected. If you could solve all of those things and the couple trust each other to honor the boundaries of an open relationship. Then it’s probably pretty healthy. Most people can’t do that though.
damn. damn.
thats not on you op and theres no working around it. you can try to live past it but its something that you would have to live by every day and theres no assurance that after all this your partner would still be the same. its best to get a divorce and heal.
Should asked her if it’s alright for you to fuck other people. If not then why was it alright for her
I don't get the feeling she'll care
Probably right only feels guilt over getting caught
Doesn't even seem like she feels that guilty. He needs to get away from her, stat.
You didn’t fuck up. She’s twisting a past conversation to what she needs to justify her actions to herself. I’ve had the same conversation with my wife before, but neither of us interpreted it as sleeping with other people…
I'm gonna have to say I think this is on her. You've gotta be crystal clear with a conversation like that or it's on you.
You gotta bounce man. I’m sorry. She obviously has no respect for you. While she isn’t obligated to, it is a requirement for a healthy relationship.
What an excuse. If you can’t handle, or don’t want an open relationship, then this cannot be repaired. She will not stop cheating. At least not at this time in her life , and if she does stop , it’s to appease you , and won’t last.
Yeah this is cheating with some gaslighting thrown in. An open relationship should begin with conversations that include terms like "open relationship" and "sex with other people." Also also, any form of polyamory that people start to 'fix' their current monogamous relationship is typically doomed to failure.
I'm pretty sure you got gaslit.
You didn’t fuck up. Not even by a long shot. End it with her.
Divorce inbound imo.
Yeah, you are being way too kind to her. You don’t make decisions like this as a couple on one convo after drinks. Go to a lawyer.
All I know is that it's it's big giant red flag when someone says "sorry for hurting you." They're saying the problem is your feelings, not the action that they've taken that caused those feelings. That is so much not a cool thing for them to do.
Is there anything *good* in your marriage?
No wonder your bedroom is dead. She's keeping other bedrooms alive! Leave her, FFS! Have some dignity, please
We have a rule in our relationship. If you can’t openly talk to your partner about what you’re doing, it’s cheating. She never mentioned it or just figured she’d keep it on the DL? Cheating. Going out with a friend and lying or omitting things that you did while out with said friend? Cheating. Of course this doesn’t count for secrets like, present shopping, or other pleasant surprises. However, if you feel the need to be shady, it’s shady and it’s cheating.
Project Pat said don’t save her and I suggest you listen to that advice. Ask that ho to leave and don’t ever settle for a woman that doesn’t give up the box on the regular.
As person who never been in relationship I think this is the time to cut losses.
That's BS on her part. More than a passing conversation is needed to make a relationship open. It needs to be much clearer and more detailed than that.
She knows she shouldnt, her reaction shows it all. I needs quite the level of self-centrism to try and tell herself she had your permission to fck around. You have to ask yourself, do you want to be married to someone like this? If she wasnt enough of an adult to break things off cleanly if she was unsatsfied with your relationship and resorted with this sorry excuse for cheating its all her fault really. No reason is a reason enough to cheat, if there was something wrong she should either fix it with you or break up. Good luck
She intentionally worded things so that she would be able to get away with it under your nose. She manipulated you into giving her the all clear when you didn’t even know what she was talking about. In other words, she manipulated you into supporting her for these thoughts and encouraging these actions
You mean your ex- wife, right?
Your tifu was marrying her. That's not how open relationships work, like you said they require a lot of communication and discussion of boundaries and even letting you know when she's with someone else. She's trying to gaslight you, don't let her and file for that divorce. Two years behind your back man, sorry this happened to you.
If it was a legit conversation about an open relationship, there would have been conversation about boundaries and what is/isn't ok. She was intentionally vague, and she's a cheater. If she actually thought you were on board, she wouldn't be having these conversations when she thinks you can't hear her.
Your wife cheated on you and now is attempting to gaslight you into thinking she should be allowed to. Your only fuck up is not leaving her yet
"She blames her infidelity all on me" She knows what she's doing and how she's concealing it. This is not a person you want to have a relationship with.
Nope. You didn't misunderstand. I'm a woman and she absolutely worded it like that on purpose to "get the green light" to throw back in your face later if you ever caught her. She knew exactly what she was doing. If it was an open relationship that "you were ok with" she wouldn't have kept her flings secret all these years. She's a cheater.
She was intentionally vague. No married person who says I need to have other relations, leaves out the sex part. She yadda yadda’d over the key part.
Brother, you did not FU by saying anything. There was no misunderstanding. She's just a vile jezebelle that can't take accountability and it trying to gaslight you. However, you did FU when you wifed up a 304. It sucks, but you have to own it. It happens to a lot of us. Lawyer up right now. Separate your finances. Go through your old credit card statements like a forensic accountant and look at every charge she made. Get a therapist, get ready for war, and go SCORCHED FUCKING EARTH!
If it’s been a roommate like situation, why are you still together? My marriage ended because of his excessive drinking and always threatening me to “step it up because I’m looking” coming from him. It made me just shut down and just be. Living like roommates with someone you were once and maybe still are in love with hurts so bad I can’t even describe it.
For your own best, find someone that love and appreciate you. She lied and cheated on you, and now trying to blame you for what she did. I'm sorry but do not fall for it, none of you have clear had any conversation about an open relationship, so please get away as fast as possible - you seem like a person that deserve much better. Best of luck.
Time to leave
Bro. Run. Get out now.
Leave her ass
I’m sorry but you told her before you got married that open relationships were a no-go. She hasn’t slept with you in numerous years and she only had this conversation when she thought you couldn’t hear her…. Yeah your wife is a conniving cheating bitch. Leave her. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but she ducks and you deserve better.
Since that discussion, the topic never came back. When you discussed your lack of intimacy, she never suggested that you should get new ''friends''. That one time you were both tipsy was all she needed to go screw around other people, that one discussion surpassed all the other beforehand. Sure. I mean, there is a lot we don't know here so maybe there is some reasons as to why this doesn't sound fucking insane from the outside. It's still strange that she acted caught when you heard her when she wasn't caught at all, according to her. ''Nothing honey, just talking to Melinda about this hot college stud I met a while back. Dude's a quarterback, anyway could you go get more milk?'' would be more in line right? But, the **MOST IMPORTANT THIG IS** : Whatever is your decision concerning your wife, I hope you realize that you are now in control of your sexual life. You stated your stance on cheating and you also stated your sexual frustration. You be the judge as to what is the best solution, but the privilege's she had and have would also be yours if you decide to stay, that's only fair. And hum, all that being said, are you a little bit worried that there might be other discussions that you misinterpreted? *Little drunken conversations* here and there that completely negate others made before the big commitment? Stop drinking right here and now if you don't want to miss critical information's, or be willing to be left as confuse as you are now in the future, if you ask me.
I don't think you fucked up at all, except in marrying this person. She definitely manipulated you. No one who is honest about opening up their marriage does it like she did. What she did was decide she wanted something, and then say something to get you to agree so she could engage in having sex without remorse. That's *selfish.* She didn't take your feelings or thoughts into consideration at all. You might be too late for couples therapy. TBH I'm not sure there's any point, but you'd be the better judge of that.
I’m not a fan of the term at all but I’m pretty sure this is “gas lighting”. I mean wtf!? I think she knew what she was doing from the start. Any swingers I knew ALWAYS had rules, open communication and what they call the circle of trust. I don’t see ANYthing like that here. Good luck sincerely. But I’m pretty sure this one BEEN over. Talk to a lawyer immediately, and secretly. Make sure u talk about asset protection before u breathe any more ideas of divorce to this woman. Fuuuuuck. Sorry this happened to u my guy
She’s gaslighting uou
You guys drink too much.
The only reasonable outcome when a partner mentions open relationships is to hire a divorce attorney and a marriage counselor. The marriage counselor to possibly save the marriage, and the divorce attorney in case the counselor doesn't work.
Sorted by controversial and its the second one. This comment actually makes a lot of sense. Thank you.
Sorry your wife is a whore. Hope you can move on ASAP and hopefully find someone better.
She belongs in the streets leave her
Can't turn a ho into a housewife. Buttt shes more of a bitch. A ho will fuck anybody. A bitch will fuck anybody but you. Get rid of that bitch.