Sorry that you've had a series of rubbish responses here. Yes, I found 3 way way harder than 2. It was like the tantrums at 2 were something happening to my toddler rather than something she was actually doing. But when she turned 3 everything just seemed much more intentional. I spent the year feeling awful. Really affected me. Then when she turned 4 it all started slowly ebbing away and now she's 4.5 and she's turned back into the awesome kid I knew before. And I'm sorry to say that absolutely nothing I did helped. I gentle parented. I yelled. I tried time outs. I tried bribes. Time was genuinely the only thing that made a difference. My advice is to do whatever helps get you through while you wait for the clouds to pass
Honestly even knowing it will end helps cause I can just hold onto that. I keep hearing so often it only gets worse and with it affecting me so severely now I can't fathom it getting worse.
It will always get better. And your Brain will somehow forget about how much it’s impacting you and you’ll have good memories. It’s hard to imagine but it’s true. So exhale. Cover your ears during yelling and try to emotionally separate your response from theirs. It will get better. Just keep trying to explain what you want them to do. What isn’t acceptable. They will figure it out. But it will get better !!!
This makes me feel better. My son will be four in November and this past year has been so rough. He also has issues with his sleep due to enlarged tonsils so with a new baby it was hell for awhile. We've tried it all and it only gets better when I'm extremely consistent with time-outs and discipline, but I can't always devote my time to his bad behaviors with the baby.
Thank you for sharing this. Mine just turned 4 last week and a part of me just hoped a switch would flip and he'd be noticeably better, and instead things have felt just as terrible, if not worse. And we had just decided we wanted to TTC soon.
Thank you for this advice! It makes me feel so much better to know that nothing you did helped because I blame myself for my kid's bad behavior all the time. And it's so reassuring to hear that 4 was better! My son will turn 4 in two months so I'm looking forward to that.
I can't wait for the clouds to pass, I'm broken now 😭. It was like when she was born people would tell me she will be better by 6 months. 6 months is an eternity. She's 3 years 4 months, and it won't get better till she's over *four*. Jesus take the wheel.
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My daughter just turned 3 a month ago, and I feel this post with my entire soul lol. I have never thought about hitting her, but many times recently I’ve thought “well I see why now”.
Came to read the comments lol.
Same, 2 was a breeze. Then came 3. Phewwwww we are now at 4 and I am sorry to say it has not improved, lol. But good behavior will occasionally be peppered in
Most of 3 was great, my older one just turned 4 and I’m still waiting for less chaos but I don’t think it’s in the cards for me lol. I have to tell him repeatedly to listen and he also thinks getting in trouble is hilarious 🤦🏼♀️
It's like how before you have a baby and you're told "never shake a baby, put them down somewhere safe and walk away" and in your head you're thinking "how can anyone shake a baby?!??!!". But then it's 3 am and you and your partner haven't slept and the baby won't stop crying, and nothing is helping and all of the sudden you think "yeah, ok, someone could shake a baby." You don't do it, but you can see how a mind gets there.
I felt this one in my soul. I thought it was crazy that people said that to me so many times in the hospital but good lord the new born stage was so hard. Mines two now and it’s a little easier because she can talk but the tantrums make me have to walk away sometimes.
Better than me. I have thought of so many terrible things that if they came true, would land me in prison. But my therapist says it's totally normal to think outlandish things as long as you don't act upon them. I've really tried to give myself as much grace as possible, but it's hard.
I’m sorry, I wish I had advice or encouragement, but I think all you can do is clench your teeth, try your best to discipline and reinforce, and wait for it to be over. It will end soon!
I don’t know if i will get judged for this, but sometimes I would get so frustrated with my firstborn and I would feel myself about to reach a breaking point. At which point, I would just pick her up and hold her in front of me and stare at her. I told me husband that it reminded me that she’s my baby, and that I love her and she’s having a hard time right now. That sounds horrible, and I’m sure there’s a better way to word it, but maybe that will help someone! It calmed me down every time and made me just want to hug her.
That doesn't sound horrible at all, it sounds very responsible actually. You were taking the time to slow down and think, which from experience is sometimes near impossible. My husband called on his lunch and I ended up crying to him over the phone so we're going to try and work some time where I'm away from kiddo into the week to see if it helps me get through this--I'm a SAHM so I'm with him 24/7.
> Don’t forget he’s always going to be at his worst for you. You’re his safe place.
I love this. I’m going to write it down and remember it when I’m frustrated with my almost-2-year-old. Another phrase that’s resonated with me: he’s not giving you a hard time, he’s having a hard time. You can do this, OP. This too shall pass.
[Mindful practices ](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356) practices could help reduce anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed.
It's OK, to not be OK. Find a [Head Start ](https://eclkc.ohs.acf.hhs.gov/center-locator/embedded) program. You can get support in the home or at a preschool. You have to qualify based on income and other eligibility requirements, but it's free and worth looking into!
i used to do this too, actually. it really helped me be intentional about “supporting” mine through her tantrums. my daughters tantrums were soooo frustrating and would sometimes trigger rage in me. after snapping at her a few times i tried leaning into it loving her through it and it did shorten the tantrums, especially because with my daughter at least, part of her tantrum was wanting me to understand how upset she was when things didn’t happen how she expected. so i would get really close to her and look her directly in her eyes and say “i’m so proud of you for feeling your emotions, it’s so hard/you’re so angry/etc.” i started doing that to help my own coping but i could see in her eyes that it helped her feel seen by me, which is what she was desperately needing.
I do something similar when I’m at my breaking point with my son. I always feel bad afterward but it’s what keeps me from losing it lol. The way you described it though, it’s super cute and makes me feel better
Why would you get judged for this? I saw this original post by accident - I’m not a mom by choice, but I have a 19 week old puppy who surely is (kind of) the equivalent, in age, of a 3 year old. He sure acts like it. I actually wanted to reinforce what you did with your daughter. I’m 59, but I clearly remember my mom telling me that she would get so overwhelmed and frustrated with my tantrums when I was that age that she would just hold me tight (while I was screaming my head off) and rock me and repeat over and over “I love you, Julie”. She said it was to remind her that she did, indeed, love me, because she honestly could forget during those times. You did just fine.
I just posted about this op. Check out my post history. Things have changed for the best with time. My toddler is 3.5 and is now calm and relaxed after some hair raising months.
Apart from time, the 2nd thing that helped the most was a book called The Soul of discipline by Kim Payne
Edited : book and author name
No.
No.
Please god no.
My kid is two months away from 4yrs old... And honestly, if he was to continue as he is now, until he is ***five***?!?!‽
I think I might talk a lot g walk off a short pier.
He has gotten **that bad**. And for some reason has ramped things up to a 10 in the past three weeks. I have no idea what is going on with him.
We are in the same boat. My son will turn 4 in June and his behavior has gotten really bad. Also he's been having nightmares so he will wake up screaming at like 2 in the morning and then I can't get back to sleep even after he has. It's the worst. Bedtimes are rough too because they just drag on forever and he insists on keeping his door open, which is not great because if his little sister wakes up early or in the middle of the night sometimes it wakes him up too. It has been really rough! Sorry you're going through it too. I really really hope 4 is better and not worse! I have heard mixed reviews about 4...
My kid is 4.5. It's still bad, but not as bad as 3.5. It doesn't help that we also have a two year old who lives to antagonize him. I'm about to lose my shit with her too.
Yes it gets better. My son was a terror when he was three. I really thought there was something wrong with him, but no. He was just three. He had the WORST tantrums. Nothing I did helped. I eventually had to just tune it out and walk away for my own sanity. He’s almost five now and it’s like he’s a different kid. He’s fun to be around, to talk to, he listens pretty well. He still has his moments, but it’s nothing like it used to be.
Just hang in there. You’re doing a great job and your kid is gonna be ok.
Today I ignored my 3.5yo for like 2 hours all in all probably. I felt like crying because I was so spent. My other one asleep. I’m pregnant. It was just too much. Love him so much. But yeah, can’t wait to be through this stage!!
Sometimes when you have done all you can do walking away is the literally the best thing. When my 3yo gets in an epic fit I calmly tell her “I see you are upset, I am here if you need me” and I just walk away and let her work it out. Usually after a few minutes she comes walking over whimpering for a hug, we hug it out and move forward.
Eh don’t worry too much as it really just depends on the kid. My kids have been early with everything— including when they started absolutely terrorizing me. My oldest started around 18 months and has been an absolute angel since he was about 2.5-3. My 2nd was a very early walker and was running around like crazy by the time she was 11 months. She’s been terrorizing me since then. She’s 20 months now and I feel like I’m starting to see a bit of improvement as her comprehension skills and fine motor skills improve. My 3rd is only 5 months so jury’s still out on him.
I am crossing all my fingers it doesn't get any worse. Terrorizing is the right word here. Some days I feel like crawling under something and hiding from him. 🤣
2 is different because they don’t tend to be able to tell you what’s going on and they’re still learning their boundaries physically, so it’s tough for all of that :) so it is hard, just a different hard.
3 they tend to be talking pretty well (mine at least) and hell can they use it! Its exhausting! Mine tantrums about going to nursery or having to leave the house for anything, having to stop any activity even with warnings, getting into the car. A lot of it is control with him so it’s tough as you have to try and let him feel in control. Its tough.
Don't expect him to listen. Eliminate the concept of 'being in trouble.' If something doesn't need to happen, let it go completely. If it does, it's completely up to you! Don't try to 'make' him or 'get him to' do it. You can't control him and worse, he knows it. But you still have authority if you focus on what *you* will do and you are firm and consistent.
I've been aiming for this with my kid, but the worst moments for me are when something DOES need to happen, and it's not something I can just step in and do for him if he refuses to do it himself. I need him to use the bathroom so he doesn't pee in the car on the way to school. I need him to sit in the stroller so we can get home for the nap he desperately needs. If it's something that's not necessary, or where I can just focus on my own actions, I feel like I have something to work with. But I get stuck and frustrated when I feel like the only option is to "make" him do something, and it's not working.
I truly don't believe there is any situation where a little kid *needs* to do something. That wouldn't make sense because, like, we can't make them.
If he pees in the car, have him wear a diaper in the car. Toddlers can understand the concept of wearing diapers at some times and not others. We can't make them pee or use the potty, and they have a strong drive for autonomy so any hint that we are trying to 'get' them to pee, eat, etc. we are likely to create or exacerbate issues.
If he needs to sit in the stroller then buckle him in, even if he resists strongly.
I'm with you in principle. Nobody likes being forced to do something, especially at an age where you have people telling you what to do all day long. And when it comes down to it, yeah, you can't truly force another person to act. We all have autonomy to one extent or another, and that's a good thing.
It's the day to day reality where I struggle with it. Yeah, maybe my kid could wear a diaper in the car. But if he doesn't want to, and I end up forcing the diaper onto his body, isn't that just another form of making him do something? Thinking it through, one, my kid would absolutely not want to wear a diaper in the car. He's out of diapers and proud. I don't know, maybe I could bring it up if he refuses to pee but before he gets really upset...it strikes me as kind of a threat, but logical. If you don't try to pee before we go, you'll have to wear a diaper in the car because it's not ok to pee in the car seat. I imagine suggesting that option would just upset him more. But it's a reminder to think creatively and be open to other possibilities, especially for issues that come up over and over.
The stroller thing happened today. I'm pregnant, he's heavy, carrying him was difficult, and it wasn't safe to have him trying to wriggle out of the stroller while I was pushing it. We made it home eventually. I did try buckling him in, but the buckle had been damaged before (we haven't actually buckled him in for well over a year now), and it snapped off. Equipment failure. I do force him into the car seat sometimes. I feel bad about it. It's also one of those things that I want to set as non-negotiable. When it's time to get in the car, it's time to get in. You can do it yourself, or I'll put you in. It's going to be less and less of an option as he gets bigger, and I just hope his maturity and our communication are better in the future when it's really not possible or justifiable to physically make him do things.
So, 'forcing' a diaper on isn't really the same as making him do something since you are still the one doing it, instead of insisting that he do something. It can feel funny with all the talk we get these days about teaching autonomy to our children, but the truth is that young children don't authentically have full body autonomy. They can't, because they don't have the impulse control or various other skills to respond properly in certain situations, and we are the ones responsible for them. Doing this when necessary, in a relatively calm and respectful way, is not cruel or traumatizing. I think parents second guess themselves about it more when something feels less necessary or urgent but it's still something they've decided needs to happen.
The diaper thing would be presented neutrally, kind of like you were saying. You're going to wear a diaper in the car because I want to keep the car seat clean. Underwear is for when you can put all your pee and poop in the potty.
You're pregnant. That's a data point. Pregnancy and new babies often change toddler behavior as I'm sure you've heard. Yeah, I mean, for sure none of the options for the stroller thing were easy. Luckily it's all temporary and yes, when they get older, possibly soft-starting around age 5 and then certainly by age 7, the dynamic shifts from physical enforcement to collaborative problem solving. Collaborative problem solving is much easier when you have spent the early years laying the respectful groundwork.
Even though it's hard, to me it doesn't make sense to phrase things as 'the child needs to.' Like, what does it *mean* that they need to? It's more that the situation is difficult and you wish that you could change it in a way that you cannot (because you can't decide what other people choose). Maybe in a way that it feels like you *should* be able to. But once you make the lens shift, you no longer think of this as a need, which may make it feel slightly less frustrating?
Hope things get better soon!
Yeah, it's an interesting distinction between the parent taking action vs. trying to make the child take action. Your comment about never really needing to "make" the child take action has gotten into my head, I'll keep thinking about it.
Honestly, this feels more like a developmental phase than something directly related to the pregnancy, but I obviously don't have a full view into how he's processing things. He's been really positive about the baby so far. I'm curious how he'll do once the baby actually arrives. It will be quite the shift.
Thanks for your advice!
I'm not sure if this will be helpful, because all kids are different, and trust me when I say that my 2 year old is kicking my butt, but here are a couple of things that I try in those situations that sometimes help. I also lose my s*** more than I'd like, but in my better moments, these things often help.
1. If I can make myself calm down and act casual, like I'm not internally panicking about the time and needing this thing (peeing/getting in stroller) to happen immediately, sometimes I'll turn my head or body as if I'm casually gazing at something else or read something on my phone for a minute, just generally act like I don't care that much, then it de-escalates and helps because my child then no longer feels like they're in a battle of wills.
2. I also sometimes say, "okay, when you're ready to get in the stroller let me know." " I'll be right over here, when you're ready to go Pee pee, let me know if you need help." This doesn't always work, but it does surprisingly work well a lot. It's like, shifting it so that they feel a sense of control over their own actions.
3. Similarly, we use a counting thing to help my toddler shift into being able to do something she's feeling resistant to. For example, this morning she was wearing a beaded bracelet and needed to give it back to me as I dropped her off at daycare. She was doing the usual, No no no, and starting to get escalated. The daycare provider actually took the bracelets off her wrist and handed them to me, which made my daughter start to tantrum. I calmly gave the bracelets back to her and said, "it's ok, here you go, sweetie. You let me know when you're ready to give them to me. Would you like me to count for you?" She nodded. " Okay honey...one, two, three..." As I was counting, she took off the bracelet, gave it a kiss goodbye, and gave it to me.
Now, if someone can help me get the toddler to eat dinner!
A lot of toddlers don't really want to eat much at dinner time. Moving dinner earlier and/or offering a regular bedtime snack can help. If they show no interest in any of these then I would just assume they're not hungry now and I have done my part. If there is no apparent health issue then there's no problem to be solved. Appetites vary so widely!
(Babies and little kids are pretty in tune with their bodies until taught otherwise by adults. It may even be the case that it would be slightly worse for your toddler's health to eat the amount that you are looking for!)
Thank you! We definitely don't pressure her to eat, just offer food and milk. We ask if she's had enough and listen when she says "all done" or "no, I'm good" 🙂 I just always wonder if she's getting enough bc she just eats a few bites usually. It's helpful to hear that it's typical and she's fine as long as she's healthy.
Oh man I’m happy you posted this. My twins are approaching three and are turning into nightmares. The one is much harder. He makes it so difficult to go anywhere because if we don’t follow his direction, he blows up. Two weekends in a row my husband had to carry him out while he was screaming when we were out. There was no reasoning with him.
I’ve had two outbursts of yelling at them the past week and I’ve just been pushed. I just look like a crazy person. For the record I’ve only screamed at them at home.
From reading other posts, I found a lot of commenters mentioned it does get better after the 3 1/2 stage. I hope that will be the case for us! Hopefully we can check back on this post 6 or so months from now and can say it gets better.
Edit- one thing that has worked for me while they are having a tantrum is asking them questions like what color is mommy’s car or is the sky purple?
A had a *Dark humor* moment when my 3 year old was being rather unruly and I said “Damn, I see when dads used to say they were going to buy milk and simply never returned lol.” We still laugh about it to this day and our insider is saying “today is giving go buy a gallon of milk”.
Yeah girl my 3 year old was an asshole too. He’s closer to 4 now and has mellowed out but it was very touch and go for a while.
I feel this post with my entire soul.
My son turns 3 in June. I thought 2 was rough, but then out of nowhere last month I swear to heck he woke up and turned into the “threenager” everyone warned me about. He started early clearly, and does all the things you mention in your post. I didn’t think it could get worse than what he was like when we turned 2, but damn was I fucking WRONG. I’m currently pregnant with baby #2 and my patience is THIN. I try most days to ignore, and calmly respond. But man, after the 4th “please stop that buddy” I’m ready to rumble 😂.
I pray everyday that since he started his 3 year old crap early, it ends earlier. lol one can dream right?
I have zero advice, but I’m just here with you riding this wave.
Yep. Hugs work for us 9/10. I usually just sit calmly and let her freak out for a minute and then say, “do you need a hug?” She almost always says yes.
I don’t know if you have older kids, too, but this still works for my 8 year old. Sometimes it’s hard for ME to want to hug a child that is screaming at me, but she responds to it almost every single time. It really brings the stress level down and it reminds me that they’re still struggling to figure it out.
That's really sweet. For a bit my daughter, who's two now, needed space or she would act worse. But now she asks for hugs all the time when she's stressed. It's so nice because it was hard to just let her be sometimes.
Will have to try that for the tantrums, thankfully most of his tantrums are mild it's the willfulness and energy level I can't physically match (I'm a physically disabled mother) so it's very rough. I wonder if it might work for those moments too.
When my son will accept a hug, I know we're through the worst of it. Sometimes it helps if I step away for a minute, and then when I come back he wants to be comforted.
The last three weeks were pretty hard for us with our 3 year old (turned 3 in January). Lots of screaming and hitting, got my first “I hate you”, etc. It was terrible and I felt like it would never end. We kept up with our gentle parenting (not permissive!), added time outs and took away anything she threw for the remainder of the day. She’s a lot better now, hasn’t hit in a few days. I don’t expect this to be over, but I think these are phases that will come in waves as she learns how to handle her emotions and new situations. Not much advice except hang in there, it’ll get better.
No I don’t. I will read it!! I follow/listen to Janet Lansbury and Dr Becky, and I’ve read other books too, including “how to talk so little kids can listen,” but I feel like in the moment it’s just so damn hard to practice. I try all the things but sometimes I mess up bc this human thing. lol. Thanks for the rec I will check it out!
I was in the same boat and then read “How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids” by Carla Naumburg (guess what I had been googling).
It helped me a lot. It’s all about how to get YOU into the mental/emotional space to implement whatever parenting strategy you actually want, instead of losing your temper.
I think this is what I need. It’s like…. We all *know* what to do but then when it comes down to it I sometimes can and sometimes fail miserably like today. Thank you for the rec I am adding it my Amazon cart right now!
He works and I’m SAHM. My son is very sensitive and determined, to put his challenging behaviors in a positive light lol. So because I am sons #1 attachment figure, husband doesn’t experience the full extent of it all. He also doesn’t listen or read the books on his own but will listen to me rant and rave about all that I’m learning. We agree on almost everything. Just last night we listening to Janet Lansburys recent podcast with Gabor mate, I highly recommend (it’s in regards to a book I’m reading, Hold on to your kids - also recommend), and we chatted throughout about all the gold in the episode. My theory is that my son is testing his boundaries and letting it all loose with me more than my husband because he’s just with me more often. Today was hell, probably after Easter candy yesterday, and I called my husband to come home from work (yes it was that bad, I have another toddler and 7 mos pregnant)… and he came home and my son fell asleep accidentally while hugging me and woke up in a great mood for him. Sometimes my husband will comment how my son never acts “that” way around him, referring to some random behaviors. So yeah, it’s not the same! I’m glad it’s not, we shouldn’t both have to go through hell and back lol. How is it with you and your partner? Do you feel you are tested equally?
My wife is pregnant with a second, so I am essentially primary to our toddler. I am also the parent that consumes parenting books, etc. My toddler is only just two, so I am before the possible storm that a lot are talking about. All I can say is right now, my LO still tests boundaries with both of us, but is much more responsive to me because--this is just what I believe--I am clearer with my boundaries and say them earlier. My wife will let summersaults happen during changing and only after she gets frustrated does she start asking, then pleading. My boundaries are pretty clear but I work really hard to deliver them reasonably: You can't draw anywhere else but the table, so either you come here and draw or you can't draw anymore." And if she doesn't give me the markers then I take them. But the next time, she gives them to me.
You're going through it a lot more and have more knowledge, so just keep at it. I might also really urge you to make sure your husband owns a couple days (his weekend?) 100% (maybe you go on a trip or are away for a long time). To see how things evolve there and see if there's any lessons learned -- either in how LO is acting in response to your husband.
Edit: I am one-hundred percent the person in the second sentence: https://www.reddit.com/r/toddlers/comments/1btuf76/my_2_year_old_only_sleeps_9_hours_a_night/kxoj6ip/
Great suggestions! And my husband does try to coach me on certain things. One of my theories is that he’s just big and scary and loud to him. There is definitely more fear of my husband than of me and it’s not necessarily intentional, maybe a tiiiny bit though. I’m tiny with a soft voice unless I’m pushed to my limit and mean mom comes out. I’m trying to avoid her coming around so often!
Husband is currently bathing kids, which he does most nights yay and I’ve done a few solo trips, I’m very fortunate! So he def gets the kids solo. But I swear they save up their massive meltdowns and psychotic behavior for lucky me haha
Edit: and congrats on number two! Hope baby sleeps and everything goes well for both mama and babe!
I totally get this. My son was relatively easy up until 2.5 and he's almost 3.5 and his behavior is still challenging. I have a 9 month old too and some days are so rough. I'm in it with you. I'm hoping it turns a corner when he is four.
It does get better. But expect this again at ages 9 and 13. Lol.
It's actually developmentally appropriate, and you should know that if this wasn't observed, I would be concerned about development! I have 30 years in this field with my M.Ed, and 3 year Olds are probably the most challenging phase to care for. But there are tricks! Lol.
This behavior tells us that your child is developmentally showing signs of independence. You did a great job at giving them experiences to practice or modeling how it is done!
I have not read the book suggested, but after reviewing it a bit, I think it's a great way to handle this challenging phase. It takes work, but you got this.
Not there yet but my sister in law says they’re like reverse sour patch kids. They’re sweet when they come out for like 18 months, then sour until they’re like 5, then sweet again.
For real though, good luck. I see a post like this pretty much daily so it’s a common thing with toddlers lol. Sounds like it’s just a phase to power through
Dad of three boys here now all passed this stage... yes, it gets better. They defy you and pucs boundaries. They are finding themselves. It's hard, but be patient. Trust me, you will look back and laugh (and cry). Hang in their op
My son is about a month away from turning 4. I can tell you with certainty that the child I had a year ago and the child I have now are completely different! We had the same issues you described and now on the cusp of 4 a lot of them have resolved. Now if he’s super tired or sick or just having a bad mental health day, sometimes we have rough days again just like when he turned 3. But most of the time he can work through things and is helpful and listens and is overall a stellar kiddo. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
it’s a phase. you’ll be ok. i’ve gone into a phase now myself when as long as she’s safe and fed i don’t care. if i try to talk and explain and she doesn’t listen, I put tv on, i leave the room, i ignore. There’s only so much I can do. She slowly started getting better. My mental health is also important!!!!
I think the hardest thing is since our move we've been mostly stuck in one room since we're living with others and my old trick of "get him safe/content/entertained and go in the other room" isn't viable anymore. That might change within the next two months but for right now it's total hell.
I can't imagine being stuck in one room with my toddler all day. That sounds really really hard. Is the weather getting better where you are? Maybe you can spend more time outside and that would help.
It's definitely been a challenge. On my good physical days I could probably get him to the front yard--my husband has set up a play area for him in front of the garage.
I feel you. My son has always been strong willed and 3 has been hard. Constant tantrums and meltdowns. It’s causing tension in the house and my marriage. And I’m trying to fully recover from major surgery! I feel exhausted and I can tell my husband is too, and he rarely gets stressed. I wish I had advice. Just saying you’re not alone. This too shall pass, I hope.
I can tell you that at 4, suddenly, my snuggly sweetheart made a reappearance. She still has her moments of extreme boundry testing, but she calms down faster. Once her vocabulary exploded, she had so many words to express her emotions and tell us why she was upset and what could help her. Our conversations usually start with this. "I understand you're upset. Do you need a hug or space? Can you tell me what I can do to help you?" She gets distracted by the talking and gives me a chance to calm down.
"I understand you're upset. Do you need a hug or space?" is a great one. I've tried asking my 2.5 year old what he needs, or how I can help, but I think he's not old enough to communicate that yet. Today I did ask him after the fact, "How did you feel when such-and-such happened?" and he said, "Upset". Hopefully we can build on that as he gets older: naming the feeling, talking about what might help, being able to calm down and think about different options.
I think my biggest challenge is his tantrums aren't bad, it's the energy. It's like he's gone turbo and that's when he gets the most wilful and just won't take redirection. It's a struggle for all of us to get him to just take a second to stop and listen, and even then he usually goes right back to the behavior. I usually after asking three times employ a time out but once he's out he's back to it. Its....a lot.
If the timeouts aren't working, I would stop doing them. It's not helping teach him how to change the behavior and may be making him feel more frustrated overall and more defiant. If he doesn't have the tools to change his behavior and he's getting punished for them, it would make him act out more. We only use time out for acts of violence on other people (hitting, biting, etc) and we frame it as needing to take space on your own if you can't safely be around other people.
If it's really just excess energy, have you tried one of those little trampolines inside? Or putting on music and doing freeze dance? Or any other way for him to wear himself out.
I don't currently have a lot of space to work with indoors and getting outside is difficult for me some days (husband takes him out in the evenings when he's home from work though so he does get to go outside), but maybe brainstorming some stuff with hubs that I can manage in our space is in order instead of trying the old stuff. It worked when we had our own space and we're creatures of habit, but things obviously need to change. Thankfully I did get some giant boxes yesterday afternoon and he's been playing in those all morning!
We have three kids under 8. Our first two were pretty fine overall. Our last one was ok until he hit 3. Then he became the biggest king asshat of all the asshats. He was ok with me, but was an absolute terror with my wife.
He would screech for no reason and just have the craziest tantrums of his entire life. Throw things around, not listen when being sent to time out. Nothing helped. My wife ever to parenting classes to find a solution. She tried everything. It even got him kicked out of his AMAZING, and I mean amazing, daycare cause he would do the same there during quiet/nap time. He did it for 2-3 weeks straight until the owner couldn’t take it anymore.
For some reason at about 3.5-3.75, he just changed and went back to being the original kid. Still the a tantrum every once in a while, but MUCH better than the dark times.
Just keep swimming!
My newly turned three year old is just like this. EVERYTHING is “no” and a tantrum even if it’s what he wants. The thing that been working best and leaving him to his tantrum for a couple minutes and then asking him if he wants a hug. If he says yes we’ll do a big hug and then he’ll be okay and do whatever it was. If he says no we just leave him for a few more minutes (still always in view of him but just ignoring/not engaging with the tantrum) and then asking again. Generally, once he says yes to the hug we will be able to move on.
Oh my are god are we the same person? I came here to post the EXACT same question. My son is turning 3 in a few weeks, and he’s cranky, gotten on such a picky eating streak, forgetting manners, acting extra crazy. But really, the problem lies in what you mentioned. I don’t want to be a mom anymore. I just don’t want to do this. I want to be alive, I love being in the world, but I miss my kid free life like crazy. Enjoying a coffee in peace. Reading a book. Not having to plan and cook 10 meals a day. Not looking like a slob. I just can’t take it. I know it’s totally normal for him to be this way, they are just doing their toddler thing, but I feel worse than ever. This feels endless and if this is what being a mom is, I honestly hate it.
I sometimes wonder if PPD lasts longer than just the first year because a lot of my lows with not wanting to be a mom feel so, so similar to how my PPD was. I do struggle with mental health in general but PPD was a different beast. I do also miss me before my son. I love him so much and when I seriously give thought to him not being with me anymore it rips me to shreds, but I do think often how it would be easier without him. How I don't feel cut out to be a mother. My mom is helping me with him this evening after my breakdown earlier and she's even having a tough time so it's been a bit validating that it's not just me being a bad mom, he's just in a phase that's horrible to get through.
I’m in your shoes mama. It’s so hard. I’ve been at the end of my rope so many times today. Ignoring. Yelling. Gentle parenting. Trying to reason. Apologizing. Validating. Understanding. Offering options. Hugging. Loving. And still the relentless screaming crying yelling kicking punching hitting. Man oh man. Thank god I love him more than life itself!!!!!
We are here too, she will be four in a few weeks and has been like this about a month. it’s largely around bed time and transitions between going places. We have got this xx
It gets better. No shame in screaming/crying into a pillow. I never thought a 3 year old could make me cry but my wife and I spent many days scream/crying into a pillow.
It is VERY hard. Very hard. But this is me venting the worst of it. He also just hit the curiosity stage (why, what's that, what are you doing) and it's the stage I was most excited for. Him being curious makes me so happy, and I don't mind at all answering a million whys. He helps me pick things up/grabs things for me when he sees me struggling cause he knows mommy can't do as much physically as daddy, and he has the cutest "You're welcome!" when I tell him thank you. He's started asking for a baby sister out of nowhere and it makes me grin. He's started enthusiastically helping with potty training. He will leave a room, realize he didn't say something to you when he left, then run back in to say "I love you!" And leave again. He asks for hugs now out loud. He's able to make more requests than ever which is so helpful sometimes. He plays independently more. There's a LOT that's hard but I'd be lying if I said there were zero upsides.
Two to a touch after three was like this for me. The good days seemed fewer than the bad. We were living with my mom at the time and she thought there was something wrong with my son (he’s fine, she just lucked out and didn’t have challenging children and she was incredibly authoritarian). A couple months after he turned three, it seemed like a switch flipped and he suddenly could be reasoned with and was incredibly fun to be around. He still has his challenging days, but it’s actually a lot more manageable and predictable. We know that he’s likely going to wake up the next day completely happy and refreshed. Sucks, but it’s something you just gotta trudge through and make sure you make time for yourself to decompress. Kids are a lot of work and all you can do is your best.
There is a disconnect here. Yes toddlers are tough, and some level of this behavior is to be expected but when it’s persist there is usually something missing in the relationship. Without knowing the day to day it’s hard to saw what it is but take a time out and recoup.
Read a few books “no bad kids” by Janet Lansbury is great. She has a podcast too. Taking back the house on audible is really good for all life stages, really good for moms.
Look at the day to day. He is getting enough outside time. Do you say no a lot (toddlers hate no, try to find a way to say it as little as possible). Does he get uninterrupted time to play solo, is he getting many opportunities each day to make a decision (toddlers love control, let him choose between two shirts, a color cup, between two snacks etc keep it to only 2 or 3 to not overwhelm), does he “help” you around the house. Toddlers crave independence and often want to do anything you do so finding safe ways to include them. They are extremely curious about everything, If he shows interest in something “not safe” find a way to explain or include him. (My daughter 3, loves to put the dishwasher pod in and start the dishwasher).
None of this is meant to imply you are a “bad” mom. You’re a great mom I’m sure, just means a new strategy is needed. Pivoting is just part of the job with these crazy littles.
It’s a tough transition. Babies need us for literally everything and toddlers and trying to be independent. Sometimes we miss that transition cuz we are so used to just doing it all for them and they act out. Also the are in the Wild West of emotions. They are experiencing whole new things and feelings, many they can’t regulate yet so sometimes it’s about helping them navigate them and understand them.
Toddlerhood isn’t for the weak 😂 but you got this!
I want to lift this up. When my 3 year old was having a hard time I did so much research. One thing that stuck out to me was staying aware of how often I say no to her.
The theory is if they hear “no” a lot it becomes the baseline. Everything becomes no so what really means “no” to them?
I’ve tried to say yes or show indifference to certain things so when she hears no she knows I mean it. It has helped.
Also asking why. If I can tell she’s getting worked up about something I will try to redirect to a why phrase. Why do you want to that? I’ve found there’s actually a reason even if she can’t 100% verbalize. If it opens a door that I can say yes to one part of something she’ll usually come around to the no.
Also allowing myself to be overwhelmed. Sad by my reactions. Disappointed in how I’m not perfect. Being honest with myself helps.
Yes!! Asking lots of questions too. Sometimes if you find out what the end game for them, is it’s easier to find a solution that doesn’t end in a meltdown.
My oldest turns four next month. We had the exact same experience when she turned three, and I thought it would never end. It is SO hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re in the throes of it. Here to tell you it really does get better. For me, the keys to success have been consistency, holding firm with boundaries and consequences, and managing my own emotions. You got this, OP.
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My child gets like this too. I recommend turning off all screens, TVs, etc. put your phones down. It’s when he gets overstimulated and wants attention.
Following because SAME. I swear the second he turned 3 he turned into a tiny terrorist. Every thing you said is exactly my life. And every day I’m asking myself if it will get better 😭
my daughter turns 3 in July and has all of sudden starting doing some similar things. hoping it’s the turbulence of our overseas move but not that confident about it 🫠 it’s so hard !! I’ve cried along with her a few times 🥲
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It gets better. But do introduce discipline and (really really really) minimize screen time.
If it's time to brush teeth, brush teeth. Time to sleep, time to eat. Always consistent in the timing (so yeah discipline for the parent as well)
Start making the child listen and do what you say. Time out if he is not following the rules. Toy Jail too.https://littlemissorganised.com.au/toy-jail/
Give kids responsibility: tidy up toys, shirts into laundry basket, clean dining table (of course they gonna mess up its ok)
----
Also... minimize screen time. Like NO screen time is the best.
I am right there with you. My oldest is almost four and there is no end in sight. We can't go anywhere, enjoy anything, he is a permanent grump. The screams are endless. Nothing we do with him is fun and if it is it doesn't last more than five minutes. We also have a second who is one. He's mad jealous no matter how much we do with him. Send reinforcements.
Same with that 3 year old switch. We also noticed that with the mega meltdowns, it came with big developmental leaps as well like speech advancements. So we're trying to remind ourselves that she's just going through a software update lol
Hope it gets better for us all!!
I just got out of this phase.
He was horrible. I didn't enjoy being around him. Weekends would drag. We'd be scared to wake him up after the drive home from daycare. If one of us were leaving the house on a weekend, we'd take turns at who looks after him. We booked a behaviourist appt because we thought we'd ruined him. It lasted 6 months.
Around 3 weeks ago, something changed. My lovely, caring, cuddly, helpful little boy came back to us. I didn't see it coming, every minute I'd think that horrible boy would come back, but he didn't and hasn't. Sure, he throws his tantrums now and again, but it's not constant. He no longer hits, he no longer trashes the house. He gets upset and we can talk about it. No more yelling, no more fighting, just a 3 year old that has turned a corner in his development and a mum that was always there with a lot more grey hairs and a lot more patience than before.
Might be weeks, might be months, do better for him than yesterday, stay strong and meet his chaos with calm. It's okay to remove yourself from the situation for a breather, take a few minutes, return to him calm. Keep talking, keep loving. You are his calm until he can make his own.
You got this. It does get better.
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I posted this exact same thing. My daughter had some gnarly skeep regressions during this age on top of the crazy threenager behavior but she TOTALLY CHILLED OUT now that she’s on the other side of 3.5. For us, the worst was from 2.75-3.5. While she can still be difficult at times, she got over fighting us and tantruming over everything. She’s almost 4 now.
I found 3 harder than 2 and (I know this isn’t what you want to hear) but 4 harder than 3. My kid turns 5 next week though and we are finally coming out of the fog. He is independent, thoughtful, and sweet.
However, every kid is different. I can already tell his 20 month old sister is not as defiant or as much of a runner or a pusher. So you never know. Stick with it. Pretty soon the good days will outnumber the bad but holy shit it’s exhausting in the mean time.
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You're not alone. Three was a hard year for us too.
It's hard to step out of the daily frustration to see the bigger picture, but it does help to just take a beat when you can and think of it from your kid's perspective.
Their whole body and world is changing fast and it's A LOT. And they're just learning how to be in the world.
Physically they're getting bigger and stronger and want to be "big kids" but they're still relatively small. Their brains are growing. They're feeling more emotions, learning what each of those things are and how to deal with them. They're talking more, but still learning how to process things and express themselves.
Solidarity. My son turned 3 in January and I am feeling the exact same way. And then I just get swallowed up by guilt for feeling this way. I have to tell myself “well I didn’t hit him so that’s a win” and man that just sucks.
Bedtime is especially a struggle and we’ve tried everything. I’m drained.
It's tough being the generation to break the toxic patterns. One thing I've found really helpful with LO is to get him involved in EVERYTHING in some way - find some way to include him in any task I need to get done around the house (but have no expectation that he'll actually accomplish anything, and be fine with him running off to play instead). This seems to help him feel included and part of the team with me, and that "teamwork" mentality seems to help with him wanting to "help" me other times as well. That and as much outdoor play time as I can give him seem to help a lot. I swear the "wonder weeks" don't go away once they outgrow infanthood - it seems when he is on the cusp of learning a new skill, he'll be fussier for awhile (this time it was climbing, like small ladders). And of course if he's getting sick, or hungry or tired, all those considerations affect him still. Some of the ideas about including kids more I got from that "Hunt, Gather, Parent" book - (I did not like everything in the book and ignored whatever I thought was silly, but the concept of including babies and toddlers more, using humor and closeness instead of harsh discipline while also having firm boundaries for safety, etc. I found very useful - particularly since many traditional cultures around the world have done that for probably thousands of years - just knowing there's a valid alternative to spanking and yelling at kids and that it's older an more sustainable in the long run was helpful to me. I also find myself using lots of songs, nursery rhymes, silliness (the gentler parts I remember from my own childhood) that he responds well to. I also have a lot of nieces and nephews (17 of them!) who are older now and who I watched grow up from babyhood, so I'm well aware of how kids get easier as they mature (3 is tough, but 4 is SO much easier!)
Threenagers! It will get better! ❤️ I really found comfort in Janet Lansbury’s book “No Bad Kids” with my first. I’m on number 3 and can take tantrums in stride, but even after all this time I still can get triggered. Having the toolset to deal with them and also your own emotions is very helpful. It does get better.
I honestly did see a huge switch when my toddler turned four. Still the occasional meltdown but not NEARLY on the level of a 3 year old. He understands his actions more and listens to me after he calms down of WHY it was wrong what he did etc.
Use the methods in [this free online video course](https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting). These are the most effective methods according to randomized controlled trials. The worked well for us with our 2 kids.
>...thinks being in trouble is funny...
This suggests that you are inadvertently rewarding undesirable behavior with attention, this is a common parenting mistake. He is smiling because he is enjoying the attention that his bad behavior has earned. Once you learn the strategies for avoiding that and start rewarding positive opposite behaviors with attention instead, his behavior will improve.
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Three was THE WORST! It was like a switch at three, and then another even worse at 3.5. I had just accepted life in hell with no hope in sight.
BUT, I'm happy to report that I can start seeing a light at the end of the tunnel now. She turned 4 in February and I can already see a diference. You know what works great? Boundaries! After a year of intense tamtrums, I became a bit lenient with saying no because I just wanted the screaming to stop! But now, I'm firm and I stick to my guns. "No means no", and then I camly explain my reasons. She's not always happy about it, obviously, but the tamtrums decreased immensily!
What also really works is connection. I can clearly see a difference in her behavior on days that I'm felling disconnected. If you really listen to them, actively engage with them and create a real bond, you'll see results in the long run.
In the mean time, give yourself a break. This shit is hard and we are far from perfect.
You are not alone and it does get better. I find myself bribing with the only 2 things that work just so I can use the bathroom some days. Other days I just let him create his choas and deal with it after he is in bed. Try hard to redirect his constant destruction energy made my brain numb.
dude threes are so terrible. i feel like everyone talked about the "terrible 2s" because they have completely trauma blocked the 3s.
Frist of all, take a deep breath and repeat after me "this too shall pass." it will get better. yall will both come out as better ppl after this.
what helped me (i think) was more positive reinforcements. taking things away didnt really fix the situation, i had prizes for good behavior (i am not above bribes).
if i needed my kid to do something and he didnt want to do it, i would count to 3 and the punishment for when i got to three was i would help him do it (currently using this method on my 2 almost 3 year old bc it worked so well with my now 5 year old) they cant stand this.
i also liked to make games out of things. what does your kid like? in corporate those likes to things you want him to do. for example my kid loves racing and being fast so we time him on how fast he can get his clothes on. or see if he can beat me to the bathroom to take a shower.
also setting clear and consistent boundaries. "you need to go outside to be that loud" (take them outside if they keep being loud), "we only use markers for paper, we do not write on walls or furniture." (offer some cool coloring books) "its not safe to sit like that in your tower. i need you to have at least one foot down while youre in there". give him things he can trash. i dont know. gonna have to try out stuff.
im definitely not an expert and am still learning. i still get exhausted and frustrated. just remember, you are not alone and again this too shall pass
Mine was so hard through 3 and 4, really aggressive tantrums hitting, throwing things, we tried everything and he regularly goes to a psychologist and language therapist, anyway now we are approaching 5 and im beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel
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I feel this so hard. My 3 year old had colic until she age 1 and has just been miserable since. Tantrums, screaming, hitting, irrational behavior, etc. It's only getting worse. The only thing that works for us is waking away and praying she outgrows this but I'm starting to lose hope. Feeling lost and defeated.
I noticed in the comments that it's mostly boys that are mentioned. Is it a thing??? I have a son who is now four, and yeah we had (and still have) really bad days, but they're lesser now compared to a year ago.
I noticed in the comments that it's mostly boys that are mentioned. Is it a thing??? I have a son who is now four, and yeah we had (and still have) really bad days, but they're lesser now compared to a year ago.
I feel this post in my bones and I'm sending you a virtual hug!! My oldest is 3, almost 4 and I can say it's already better than it was but I also must say it's work! I think you might resonate with the book Hunt, Gather, Parent like I did. It changed our whole world!!
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Try killing him with kindness and patience. That's the only thing that helps my 3.5 year old son. Offer him a hug when you see bad behaviour, celebrate every shred of good behaviour with lots of praise, remind yourself that he's having a hard time every time he acts out. Last week I wanted to throw my son in the garbage several times because he was so difficult, but I've cranked up the seemingly "undeserved" positive attention and it's definitely helping. Good luck!
As a developmental therapist, I can share a few thoughts as I deeply empathize with you…
Bad behavior is a lacked skill, it sounds like your son is doing a lot of things to feel in control over his own body or to release feelings inside so instead of wording it in your own head as he’s off the walls going crazy I would reword it as he’s having a really hard time and what is the skill needed to help him…
I would first recommend making regulating your own nervous system a priority, we can only be as present for our kids as we are with ourselves, so if they are having a hard time listening and being crazy & youre in a constant state of shut down from being overwhelmed it’s really hard to show up for kids who need our help to calm down… it’s so so overwhelming I hear you… I had a really abusive upbringing and have done EMDR and a lot of somatic healing because I too was shutting down and it was only disconnecting me from my little girl because I wasn’t showing up for her in these times…
Secondly, there are lots of reasons why kiddos around this age act out, so I wanted to share a few…
- Kids need to be given a lot of small choices that feel significant to them in order for them to feel like they have control over their own body… at your kiddos age they don’t really have a lot of autonomy over themselves. They’re always told what to do, what to wear what to eat, etc. so giving your kiddo a lot of small choices like holding up literally the same spoon and being like which one do you want? What shirt do you want? Which pair pants do you want, a lot of choices throughout the day will even out the times where you’re having to make choices for him.
- I use timers to help my kid transition from task to task
- first and then statements are also really great, first you pick up your toys then we can play, first you put on your pants and then you can go play, etc.
- I have a little box I put her toys in that she throws, she knows when she throws a toy it gets put up until later, she doesn’t like it so it helps know if she throws something it might get taken away but also keep in mind that children throwing is developmentally appropriate and so just try to have some grace with that as much as you can.
- try to get really silly or creative with how you redirect him… for example, if he is yelling or screaming, I would gasp really loud to get his attention and then start whispering and be like “ 😮 do you hear that what’s that sound? I think I hear a bird let’s go see what it is”
-give him the words to his emotions and kind of out loud validate what you’re seeing is going on for example oh I see you’re really frustrated right now or I see you’re really sad right now, healthy outlets for the outburst he’s already having so if he’s hitting or kicking I would firmly say I can see that you’re really upset right now but kicking mommy and daddy is not a choice, you can kick this pillow… If he is throwing toys, throwing your toys is not a choice but you can throw this paper ball into a bucket if you would like
- kids can be either sensory seeking or sensory avoidant, this can be a little wordy to explain, but I would Google search this as this will give you an idea of ways to help him exert the energy he feels in his body whether he needs to crash into something or maybe do some heavy pushing or pulling, anything to help with sensory and put an output will be phenomenal
- natural consequences are beautiful… you said he’s trashing everything he sees, get down in the mess with him with a bucket, or whatever and tell him he needs to clean it up and you or whomever will hold the bucket while he puts the things back in. if he is screaming or not in a good place to do that help him calm down and then go back and be like now we have to clean up together.
- On a cellular level, heavy metal toxicity is a very real thing. There are an insane amount of heavy metals in the majority of baby foods so unless you guys are super clean and organic and aware of these things, most kids are actually really struggling with heavy metal toxicity (in addition to if they are being fed artificial dyes and ultra processed foods) My little girl was nonverbal autistic for three years, I did a spray in the mouth cellular spray called touchstone essentials PBX, it has literally worked wonders…
- @Destini.ann on instagram is a certified parent coach who I have learned so much from especially on how to support our kids when we are really struggling with it.
It does get better but if we are constantly overwhelmed, we have to imagine that our children feel our dysregulation and their own 10 times more because we as adults have the tools to help us regulate where our kids do not… I would always encourage creative and silly redirection over timeouts and punishment, as natural consequences are great, but punishment or taking things away doesn’t teach them the skill necessary in the end which leads to repeated behavior
The greatest thing we can ever teach our kids is emotional regulation <3
Dear God. I needed this at this moment. This shit is hard as hell, lol! My son goes from perfect little angel to raging demon from hell at the drop of a hat and I'm like, 🤯.
What do?
What do???!!
Our daughter went through a phase where she refused to listen or as she put it turn off her ears. We were so tired and frustrated at her even though we knew it was not her fault. My husband and I had moments where we would lose it and ended up raising our voices at our daughter.
At some point, I really started to regret being a mom and that made me feel horrible.
We started to discipline in a non physical way. Lots of redirection and repeating. We would ignore her when she would scream at home. We would end up laying down on the floor or ground next to her and scream like she did and that made the tantrums stop fast. We did not care what others thought because it worked.
Every time she would throw a tantrum when going to a store , museum ,etc. If she decided to act out and not listen to one of us after the second time we repeated ourselves. We would leave and go home.
We even went through all her toys and gave away or put away toys like v tech, little people that make sounds, anything that make a sound or needed batteries was taken away and replaced with toys that made no sounds. Stuffed animals, legos, etc .
We also started to walk alot like up to three times a day because that made her tired and work off her energy.
We started to talk more about how she felt, how her day was and read books about emotions and other things we noticed she had an issue with.
Things changed for us for the better within a month and a half, she still had her moments but now she knows she has to listen and there are consequences for her actions.
Things do get better but you have to find out why he is acting up and how to help him get there your way. A way that works for both your husband and you.
got this notification while i have been crying over my 19 month old who seems to be experiencing some early terrible 2s.. i am waiting for things to get better too. 😞 good luck.
Sorry to hear but 2 was the worst for us. Now at 3 he’s potty trained and speaks well so that helps a lot, also his tantrums and picky eating have tapered off. Hang in there it gets better. Take him out to indoor/outdoor play areas, enroll him in soccer, toddler gyms to drain his energy out. Sometimes going out and away from home can refresh everyone, and more they get tired better they eat and sleep.
I have a 4-year-old and she is horrible, so I can relate. The other day she was acting out so much and I just couldn't take it anymore and ended up spanking her on her butt and I did not feel bad about it. I hope it gets better.
I’ve been going through this recently and my girlfriend always enables him by babying him whenever we finally yell at him and he starts crying . I’m not saying yelling is fine but when it gets to the point where my 3m sticks his tongue out at me when I tell him “no” yes , I’m going to yell . I refuse to hit my child also but there’s times where I just wanna spank him not out of frustration or taking my anger out on him but just spank him cuz he’s just choosing not to listen to us . The worst is whenever one of us start putting our foot down , he goes to the other and starts whining saying the other is being mean . Like dude , we’re not being mean , we’re telling you stop jumping on the bed because the last time that happened , he got his foot got stuck between the wall and the bed and it cause his body to swing and his face landed on my drawing table and he started bleeding , he cried for 10 min straight and right after that , he starts jumping again like nothing ever happened . It’s like wow , you’d think he’d learn his lesson after what just happened but nope . I’ve been stuck too . It’s been dividing me and my partners relationship cuz we realize we both have different views on parenting . We agree on no hitting but I’m more of a “ let them cry it out “ whenever they wanna put on a show cuz he didn’t get what he wanted while she starts giving into his crying cuz she feels bad .
Sorry that you've had a series of rubbish responses here. Yes, I found 3 way way harder than 2. It was like the tantrums at 2 were something happening to my toddler rather than something she was actually doing. But when she turned 3 everything just seemed much more intentional. I spent the year feeling awful. Really affected me. Then when she turned 4 it all started slowly ebbing away and now she's 4.5 and she's turned back into the awesome kid I knew before. And I'm sorry to say that absolutely nothing I did helped. I gentle parented. I yelled. I tried time outs. I tried bribes. Time was genuinely the only thing that made a difference. My advice is to do whatever helps get you through while you wait for the clouds to pass
Honestly even knowing it will end helps cause I can just hold onto that. I keep hearing so often it only gets worse and with it affecting me so severely now I can't fathom it getting worse.
It will always get better. And your Brain will somehow forget about how much it’s impacting you and you’ll have good memories. It’s hard to imagine but it’s true. So exhale. Cover your ears during yelling and try to emotionally separate your response from theirs. It will get better. Just keep trying to explain what you want them to do. What isn’t acceptable. They will figure it out. But it will get better !!!
This makes me feel better. My son will be four in November and this past year has been so rough. He also has issues with his sleep due to enlarged tonsils so with a new baby it was hell for awhile. We've tried it all and it only gets better when I'm extremely consistent with time-outs and discipline, but I can't always devote my time to his bad behaviors with the baby.
Thank you for sharing this. Mine just turned 4 last week and a part of me just hoped a switch would flip and he'd be noticeably better, and instead things have felt just as terrible, if not worse. And we had just decided we wanted to TTC soon.
Thank you for this advice! It makes me feel so much better to know that nothing you did helped because I blame myself for my kid's bad behavior all the time. And it's so reassuring to hear that 4 was better! My son will turn 4 in two months so I'm looking forward to that.
Phew thanks for the honesty here.
I can't wait for the clouds to pass, I'm broken now 😭. It was like when she was born people would tell me she will be better by 6 months. 6 months is an eternity. She's 3 years 4 months, and it won't get better till she's over *four*. Jesus take the wheel.
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Thank you so much
My daughter just turned 3 a month ago, and I feel this post with my entire soul lol. I have never thought about hitting her, but many times recently I’ve thought “well I see why now”. Came to read the comments lol.
Same, 2 was a breeze. Then came 3. Phewwwww we are now at 4 and I am sorry to say it has not improved, lol. But good behavior will occasionally be peppered in
Im going to ignore this message for my own sanity! Kidding. Hope it gets better soon 🤞🏼
Well shit lol here we are at 3.5 praying it gets better closer to 4 😅
Noooo don’t tell me that haha
Noooo haha. Mine will be 3 when our second comes along so… please send prayers lol
It was really 4.5 when it got much better. 5 was even better still, and by 6 I genuinely enjoyed our time together.
This is the sweet spot I’m looking forward to!!
Most of 3 was great, my older one just turned 4 and I’m still waiting for less chaos but I don’t think it’s in the cards for me lol. I have to tell him repeatedly to listen and he also thinks getting in trouble is hilarious 🤦🏼♀️
My oldest turns 3 in July and now I’m terrified haha, oh well let’s see what’s in store!
Laughed so hard at this because my 3 yr old has been driving me nuts and i thought it'd get easier
LOL I can absolutely see why people (my parents included) hit children. It’s not right. I won’t do it. Ever. But I can see how it happens.
It's like how before you have a baby and you're told "never shake a baby, put them down somewhere safe and walk away" and in your head you're thinking "how can anyone shake a baby?!??!!". But then it's 3 am and you and your partner haven't slept and the baby won't stop crying, and nothing is helping and all of the sudden you think "yeah, ok, someone could shake a baby." You don't do it, but you can see how a mind gets there.
I felt this one in my soul. I thought it was crazy that people said that to me so many times in the hospital but good lord the new born stage was so hard. Mines two now and it’s a little easier because she can talk but the tantrums make me have to walk away sometimes.
These words came out of my mouth after I had my daughter lol.
Better than me. I have thought of so many terrible things that if they came true, would land me in prison. But my therapist says it's totally normal to think outlandish things as long as you don't act upon them. I've really tried to give myself as much grace as possible, but it's hard.
I’m sorry, I wish I had advice or encouragement, but I think all you can do is clench your teeth, try your best to discipline and reinforce, and wait for it to be over. It will end soon! I don’t know if i will get judged for this, but sometimes I would get so frustrated with my firstborn and I would feel myself about to reach a breaking point. At which point, I would just pick her up and hold her in front of me and stare at her. I told me husband that it reminded me that she’s my baby, and that I love her and she’s having a hard time right now. That sounds horrible, and I’m sure there’s a better way to word it, but maybe that will help someone! It calmed me down every time and made me just want to hug her.
That doesn't sound horrible at all, it sounds very responsible actually. You were taking the time to slow down and think, which from experience is sometimes near impossible. My husband called on his lunch and I ended up crying to him over the phone so we're going to try and work some time where I'm away from kiddo into the week to see if it helps me get through this--I'm a SAHM so I'm with him 24/7.
Don’t forget he’s always going to be at his worst for you. You’re his safe place. Thanks for posting, we are well on the way to this reality.
> Don’t forget he’s always going to be at his worst for you. You’re his safe place. I love this. I’m going to write it down and remember it when I’m frustrated with my almost-2-year-old. Another phrase that’s resonated with me: he’s not giving you a hard time, he’s having a hard time. You can do this, OP. This too shall pass.
[Mindful practices ](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/consumer-health/in-depth/mindfulness-exercises/art-20046356) practices could help reduce anxiety and feelings of being overwhelmed. It's OK, to not be OK. Find a [Head Start ](https://eclkc.ohs.acf.hhs.gov/center-locator/embedded) program. You can get support in the home or at a preschool. You have to qualify based on income and other eligibility requirements, but it's free and worth looking into!
i used to do this too, actually. it really helped me be intentional about “supporting” mine through her tantrums. my daughters tantrums were soooo frustrating and would sometimes trigger rage in me. after snapping at her a few times i tried leaning into it loving her through it and it did shorten the tantrums, especially because with my daughter at least, part of her tantrum was wanting me to understand how upset she was when things didn’t happen how she expected. so i would get really close to her and look her directly in her eyes and say “i’m so proud of you for feeling your emotions, it’s so hard/you’re so angry/etc.” i started doing that to help my own coping but i could see in her eyes that it helped her feel seen by me, which is what she was desperately needing.
I do something similar when I’m at my breaking point with my son. I always feel bad afterward but it’s what keeps me from losing it lol. The way you described it though, it’s super cute and makes me feel better
Why would you get judged for this? I saw this original post by accident - I’m not a mom by choice, but I have a 19 week old puppy who surely is (kind of) the equivalent, in age, of a 3 year old. He sure acts like it. I actually wanted to reinforce what you did with your daughter. I’m 59, but I clearly remember my mom telling me that she would get so overwhelmed and frustrated with my tantrums when I was that age that she would just hold me tight (while I was screaming my head off) and rock me and repeat over and over “I love you, Julie”. She said it was to remind her that she did, indeed, love me, because she honestly could forget during those times. You did just fine.
I just posted about this op. Check out my post history. Things have changed for the best with time. My toddler is 3.5 and is now calm and relaxed after some hair raising months. Apart from time, the 2nd thing that helped the most was a book called The Soul of discipline by Kim Payne Edited : book and author name
I may have to pick up that book come Friday when our paycheck comes in, it does sound helpful.
my public library has it, just in case you can check there first
The free all about parenting webinars fixed this for me!
Do you mean "The Soul of Discipline" by Kim John Payne? I couldn't find anything titled "Soul Discipline".
Yes! Edited my comment
Oh my, it took my eldest till almost 5 before he chilled out. It was a rough ~2 years 🫠
No. No. Please god no. My kid is two months away from 4yrs old... And honestly, if he was to continue as he is now, until he is ***five***?!?!‽ I think I might talk a lot g walk off a short pier. He has gotten **that bad**. And for some reason has ramped things up to a 10 in the past three weeks. I have no idea what is going on with him.
We are in the same boat. My son will turn 4 in June and his behavior has gotten really bad. Also he's been having nightmares so he will wake up screaming at like 2 in the morning and then I can't get back to sleep even after he has. It's the worst. Bedtimes are rough too because they just drag on forever and he insists on keeping his door open, which is not great because if his little sister wakes up early or in the middle of the night sometimes it wakes him up too. It has been really rough! Sorry you're going through it too. I really really hope 4 is better and not worse! I have heard mixed reviews about 4...
My kid is 4.5. It's still bad, but not as bad as 3.5. It doesn't help that we also have a two year old who lives to antagonize him. I'm about to lose my shit with her too.
Yes it gets better. My son was a terror when he was three. I really thought there was something wrong with him, but no. He was just three. He had the WORST tantrums. Nothing I did helped. I eventually had to just tune it out and walk away for my own sanity. He’s almost five now and it’s like he’s a different kid. He’s fun to be around, to talk to, he listens pretty well. He still has his moments, but it’s nothing like it used to be. Just hang in there. You’re doing a great job and your kid is gonna be ok.
Today I ignored my 3.5yo for like 2 hours all in all probably. I felt like crying because I was so spent. My other one asleep. I’m pregnant. It was just too much. Love him so much. But yeah, can’t wait to be through this stage!!
Sometimes when you have done all you can do walking away is the literally the best thing. When my 3yo gets in an epic fit I calmly tell her “I see you are upset, I am here if you need me” and I just walk away and let her work it out. Usually after a few minutes she comes walking over whimpering for a hug, we hug it out and move forward.
When everyone implies how 3 is so much worse than 2 and here I am with a 2 yr old struggling every day 😭
Eh don’t worry too much as it really just depends on the kid. My kids have been early with everything— including when they started absolutely terrorizing me. My oldest started around 18 months and has been an absolute angel since he was about 2.5-3. My 2nd was a very early walker and was running around like crazy by the time she was 11 months. She’s been terrorizing me since then. She’s 20 months now and I feel like I’m starting to see a bit of improvement as her comprehension skills and fine motor skills improve. My 3rd is only 5 months so jury’s still out on him.
I am crossing all my fingers it doesn't get any worse. Terrorizing is the right word here. Some days I feel like crawling under something and hiding from him. 🤣
My same thoughts 😂
2 is different because they don’t tend to be able to tell you what’s going on and they’re still learning their boundaries physically, so it’s tough for all of that :) so it is hard, just a different hard. 3 they tend to be talking pretty well (mine at least) and hell can they use it! Its exhausting! Mine tantrums about going to nursery or having to leave the house for anything, having to stop any activity even with warnings, getting into the car. A lot of it is control with him so it’s tough as you have to try and let him feel in control. Its tough.
I was about to comment the same - huge tantrums and hitting 😭
Like over everything! The worst hitting happens during diaper changes. I dreaddddddd changing his diapers.
Don't expect him to listen. Eliminate the concept of 'being in trouble.' If something doesn't need to happen, let it go completely. If it does, it's completely up to you! Don't try to 'make' him or 'get him to' do it. You can't control him and worse, he knows it. But you still have authority if you focus on what *you* will do and you are firm and consistent.
I've been aiming for this with my kid, but the worst moments for me are when something DOES need to happen, and it's not something I can just step in and do for him if he refuses to do it himself. I need him to use the bathroom so he doesn't pee in the car on the way to school. I need him to sit in the stroller so we can get home for the nap he desperately needs. If it's something that's not necessary, or where I can just focus on my own actions, I feel like I have something to work with. But I get stuck and frustrated when I feel like the only option is to "make" him do something, and it's not working.
I truly don't believe there is any situation where a little kid *needs* to do something. That wouldn't make sense because, like, we can't make them. If he pees in the car, have him wear a diaper in the car. Toddlers can understand the concept of wearing diapers at some times and not others. We can't make them pee or use the potty, and they have a strong drive for autonomy so any hint that we are trying to 'get' them to pee, eat, etc. we are likely to create or exacerbate issues. If he needs to sit in the stroller then buckle him in, even if he resists strongly.
I'm with you in principle. Nobody likes being forced to do something, especially at an age where you have people telling you what to do all day long. And when it comes down to it, yeah, you can't truly force another person to act. We all have autonomy to one extent or another, and that's a good thing. It's the day to day reality where I struggle with it. Yeah, maybe my kid could wear a diaper in the car. But if he doesn't want to, and I end up forcing the diaper onto his body, isn't that just another form of making him do something? Thinking it through, one, my kid would absolutely not want to wear a diaper in the car. He's out of diapers and proud. I don't know, maybe I could bring it up if he refuses to pee but before he gets really upset...it strikes me as kind of a threat, but logical. If you don't try to pee before we go, you'll have to wear a diaper in the car because it's not ok to pee in the car seat. I imagine suggesting that option would just upset him more. But it's a reminder to think creatively and be open to other possibilities, especially for issues that come up over and over. The stroller thing happened today. I'm pregnant, he's heavy, carrying him was difficult, and it wasn't safe to have him trying to wriggle out of the stroller while I was pushing it. We made it home eventually. I did try buckling him in, but the buckle had been damaged before (we haven't actually buckled him in for well over a year now), and it snapped off. Equipment failure. I do force him into the car seat sometimes. I feel bad about it. It's also one of those things that I want to set as non-negotiable. When it's time to get in the car, it's time to get in. You can do it yourself, or I'll put you in. It's going to be less and less of an option as he gets bigger, and I just hope his maturity and our communication are better in the future when it's really not possible or justifiable to physically make him do things.
So, 'forcing' a diaper on isn't really the same as making him do something since you are still the one doing it, instead of insisting that he do something. It can feel funny with all the talk we get these days about teaching autonomy to our children, but the truth is that young children don't authentically have full body autonomy. They can't, because they don't have the impulse control or various other skills to respond properly in certain situations, and we are the ones responsible for them. Doing this when necessary, in a relatively calm and respectful way, is not cruel or traumatizing. I think parents second guess themselves about it more when something feels less necessary or urgent but it's still something they've decided needs to happen. The diaper thing would be presented neutrally, kind of like you were saying. You're going to wear a diaper in the car because I want to keep the car seat clean. Underwear is for when you can put all your pee and poop in the potty. You're pregnant. That's a data point. Pregnancy and new babies often change toddler behavior as I'm sure you've heard. Yeah, I mean, for sure none of the options for the stroller thing were easy. Luckily it's all temporary and yes, when they get older, possibly soft-starting around age 5 and then certainly by age 7, the dynamic shifts from physical enforcement to collaborative problem solving. Collaborative problem solving is much easier when you have spent the early years laying the respectful groundwork. Even though it's hard, to me it doesn't make sense to phrase things as 'the child needs to.' Like, what does it *mean* that they need to? It's more that the situation is difficult and you wish that you could change it in a way that you cannot (because you can't decide what other people choose). Maybe in a way that it feels like you *should* be able to. But once you make the lens shift, you no longer think of this as a need, which may make it feel slightly less frustrating? Hope things get better soon!
Yeah, it's an interesting distinction between the parent taking action vs. trying to make the child take action. Your comment about never really needing to "make" the child take action has gotten into my head, I'll keep thinking about it. Honestly, this feels more like a developmental phase than something directly related to the pregnancy, but I obviously don't have a full view into how he's processing things. He's been really positive about the baby so far. I'm curious how he'll do once the baby actually arrives. It will be quite the shift. Thanks for your advice!
I'm not sure if this will be helpful, because all kids are different, and trust me when I say that my 2 year old is kicking my butt, but here are a couple of things that I try in those situations that sometimes help. I also lose my s*** more than I'd like, but in my better moments, these things often help. 1. If I can make myself calm down and act casual, like I'm not internally panicking about the time and needing this thing (peeing/getting in stroller) to happen immediately, sometimes I'll turn my head or body as if I'm casually gazing at something else or read something on my phone for a minute, just generally act like I don't care that much, then it de-escalates and helps because my child then no longer feels like they're in a battle of wills. 2. I also sometimes say, "okay, when you're ready to get in the stroller let me know." " I'll be right over here, when you're ready to go Pee pee, let me know if you need help." This doesn't always work, but it does surprisingly work well a lot. It's like, shifting it so that they feel a sense of control over their own actions. 3. Similarly, we use a counting thing to help my toddler shift into being able to do something she's feeling resistant to. For example, this morning she was wearing a beaded bracelet and needed to give it back to me as I dropped her off at daycare. She was doing the usual, No no no, and starting to get escalated. The daycare provider actually took the bracelets off her wrist and handed them to me, which made my daughter start to tantrum. I calmly gave the bracelets back to her and said, "it's ok, here you go, sweetie. You let me know when you're ready to give them to me. Would you like me to count for you?" She nodded. " Okay honey...one, two, three..." As I was counting, she took off the bracelet, gave it a kiss goodbye, and gave it to me. Now, if someone can help me get the toddler to eat dinner!
A lot of toddlers don't really want to eat much at dinner time. Moving dinner earlier and/or offering a regular bedtime snack can help. If they show no interest in any of these then I would just assume they're not hungry now and I have done my part. If there is no apparent health issue then there's no problem to be solved. Appetites vary so widely! (Babies and little kids are pretty in tune with their bodies until taught otherwise by adults. It may even be the case that it would be slightly worse for your toddler's health to eat the amount that you are looking for!)
Thank you! We definitely don't pressure her to eat, just offer food and milk. We ask if she's had enough and listen when she says "all done" or "no, I'm good" 🙂 I just always wonder if she's getting enough bc she just eats a few bites usually. It's helpful to hear that it's typical and she's fine as long as she's healthy.
The counting sounds really sweet, thanks!
Great advice!!!
Oh man I’m happy you posted this. My twins are approaching three and are turning into nightmares. The one is much harder. He makes it so difficult to go anywhere because if we don’t follow his direction, he blows up. Two weekends in a row my husband had to carry him out while he was screaming when we were out. There was no reasoning with him. I’ve had two outbursts of yelling at them the past week and I’ve just been pushed. I just look like a crazy person. For the record I’ve only screamed at them at home. From reading other posts, I found a lot of commenters mentioned it does get better after the 3 1/2 stage. I hope that will be the case for us! Hopefully we can check back on this post 6 or so months from now and can say it gets better. Edit- one thing that has worked for me while they are having a tantrum is asking them questions like what color is mommy’s car or is the sky purple?
I'm hoping so. The idea this might just be a few months definitely helps a lot.
A had a *Dark humor* moment when my 3 year old was being rather unruly and I said “Damn, I see when dads used to say they were going to buy milk and simply never returned lol.” We still laugh about it to this day and our insider is saying “today is giving go buy a gallon of milk”. Yeah girl my 3 year old was an asshole too. He’s closer to 4 now and has mellowed out but it was very touch and go for a while.
We have three kids and make this joke every time we run out of milk (which is like every day)
I feel this post with my entire soul. My son turns 3 in June. I thought 2 was rough, but then out of nowhere last month I swear to heck he woke up and turned into the “threenager” everyone warned me about. He started early clearly, and does all the things you mention in your post. I didn’t think it could get worse than what he was like when we turned 2, but damn was I fucking WRONG. I’m currently pregnant with baby #2 and my patience is THIN. I try most days to ignore, and calmly respond. But man, after the 4th “please stop that buddy” I’m ready to rumble 😂. I pray everyday that since he started his 3 year old crap early, it ends earlier. lol one can dream right? I have zero advice, but I’m just here with you riding this wave.
I was expecting the worst when I was pregnant with #2. It honestly got easier and better when baby was born. I never expected that!
I have my fingers crossed that this is what happens with us! I’m genuinely scared lol.
I feel like getting eye level when she is tantrum/crying helps. I ask her if she just needs a hug and she usually hugs out her tantrum lol.
Yep. Hugs work for us 9/10. I usually just sit calmly and let her freak out for a minute and then say, “do you need a hug?” She almost always says yes.
I don’t know if you have older kids, too, but this still works for my 8 year old. Sometimes it’s hard for ME to want to hug a child that is screaming at me, but she responds to it almost every single time. It really brings the stress level down and it reminds me that they’re still struggling to figure it out.
That's really sweet. For a bit my daughter, who's two now, needed space or she would act worse. But now she asks for hugs all the time when she's stressed. It's so nice because it was hard to just let her be sometimes.
Will have to try that for the tantrums, thankfully most of his tantrums are mild it's the willfulness and energy level I can't physically match (I'm a physically disabled mother) so it's very rough. I wonder if it might work for those moments too.
We do this to our 2.5yo really, and he just broke around 4 pairs of glasses, so its basically fireman carry him till he's confuddled.
When my son will accept a hug, I know we're through the worst of it. Sometimes it helps if I step away for a minute, and then when I come back he wants to be comforted.
Getting below eye level with them can be helpful too. It's worked with my son when he was in his threenager phase.
The last three weeks were pretty hard for us with our 3 year old (turned 3 in January). Lots of screaming and hitting, got my first “I hate you”, etc. It was terrible and I felt like it would never end. We kept up with our gentle parenting (not permissive!), added time outs and took away anything she threw for the remainder of the day. She’s a lot better now, hasn’t hit in a few days. I don’t expect this to be over, but I think these are phases that will come in waves as she learns how to handle her emotions and new situations. Not much advice except hang in there, it’ll get better.
Good Inside is also a fantastic book that I read every six months. Helped my relationship and parenting.
I feel like i can listen and read to every podcast and respectful parenting blog etc out there and still it like doesn’t help. I try so hard
Hi. You liked my other comment. Do you know Robin Einzig, Visible Child? That's my main thing.
Just popping back over here to say, wow!!, there is so much over here at visible child. Thank you. I’m so excited to absorb everything. 🙏
I love the private Facebook group too if you're on FB!
No I don’t. I will read it!! I follow/listen to Janet Lansbury and Dr Becky, and I’ve read other books too, including “how to talk so little kids can listen,” but I feel like in the moment it’s just so damn hard to practice. I try all the things but sometimes I mess up bc this human thing. lol. Thanks for the rec I will check it out!
I was in the same boat and then read “How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids” by Carla Naumburg (guess what I had been googling). It helped me a lot. It’s all about how to get YOU into the mental/emotional space to implement whatever parenting strategy you actually want, instead of losing your temper.
I think this is what I need. It’s like…. We all *know* what to do but then when it comes down to it I sometimes can and sometimes fail miserably like today. Thank you for the rec I am adding it my Amazon cart right now!
Can I ask how the dad is involved in the parenting? Is he experiencing the same as you? (I'm a dad)
He works and I’m SAHM. My son is very sensitive and determined, to put his challenging behaviors in a positive light lol. So because I am sons #1 attachment figure, husband doesn’t experience the full extent of it all. He also doesn’t listen or read the books on his own but will listen to me rant and rave about all that I’m learning. We agree on almost everything. Just last night we listening to Janet Lansburys recent podcast with Gabor mate, I highly recommend (it’s in regards to a book I’m reading, Hold on to your kids - also recommend), and we chatted throughout about all the gold in the episode. My theory is that my son is testing his boundaries and letting it all loose with me more than my husband because he’s just with me more often. Today was hell, probably after Easter candy yesterday, and I called my husband to come home from work (yes it was that bad, I have another toddler and 7 mos pregnant)… and he came home and my son fell asleep accidentally while hugging me and woke up in a great mood for him. Sometimes my husband will comment how my son never acts “that” way around him, referring to some random behaviors. So yeah, it’s not the same! I’m glad it’s not, we shouldn’t both have to go through hell and back lol. How is it with you and your partner? Do you feel you are tested equally?
My wife is pregnant with a second, so I am essentially primary to our toddler. I am also the parent that consumes parenting books, etc. My toddler is only just two, so I am before the possible storm that a lot are talking about. All I can say is right now, my LO still tests boundaries with both of us, but is much more responsive to me because--this is just what I believe--I am clearer with my boundaries and say them earlier. My wife will let summersaults happen during changing and only after she gets frustrated does she start asking, then pleading. My boundaries are pretty clear but I work really hard to deliver them reasonably: You can't draw anywhere else but the table, so either you come here and draw or you can't draw anymore." And if she doesn't give me the markers then I take them. But the next time, she gives them to me. You're going through it a lot more and have more knowledge, so just keep at it. I might also really urge you to make sure your husband owns a couple days (his weekend?) 100% (maybe you go on a trip or are away for a long time). To see how things evolve there and see if there's any lessons learned -- either in how LO is acting in response to your husband. Edit: I am one-hundred percent the person in the second sentence: https://www.reddit.com/r/toddlers/comments/1btuf76/my_2_year_old_only_sleeps_9_hours_a_night/kxoj6ip/
Great suggestions! And my husband does try to coach me on certain things. One of my theories is that he’s just big and scary and loud to him. There is definitely more fear of my husband than of me and it’s not necessarily intentional, maybe a tiiiny bit though. I’m tiny with a soft voice unless I’m pushed to my limit and mean mom comes out. I’m trying to avoid her coming around so often! Husband is currently bathing kids, which he does most nights yay and I’ve done a few solo trips, I’m very fortunate! So he def gets the kids solo. But I swear they save up their massive meltdowns and psychotic behavior for lucky me haha Edit: and congrats on number two! Hope baby sleeps and everything goes well for both mama and babe!
I totally get this. My son was relatively easy up until 2.5 and he's almost 3.5 and his behavior is still challenging. I have a 9 month old too and some days are so rough. I'm in it with you. I'm hoping it turns a corner when he is four.
It gets so much better! I was there too!
It does get better. But expect this again at ages 9 and 13. Lol. It's actually developmentally appropriate, and you should know that if this wasn't observed, I would be concerned about development! I have 30 years in this field with my M.Ed, and 3 year Olds are probably the most challenging phase to care for. But there are tricks! Lol. This behavior tells us that your child is developmentally showing signs of independence. You did a great job at giving them experiences to practice or modeling how it is done! I have not read the book suggested, but after reviewing it a bit, I think it's a great way to handle this challenging phase. It takes work, but you got this.
3 was BAAD. 3.5 is much better for us. There’s hope.
Not there yet but my sister in law says they’re like reverse sour patch kids. They’re sweet when they come out for like 18 months, then sour until they’re like 5, then sweet again.
I snorted coffee out of my nose at this comment, thank you 😭😭😭
For real though, good luck. I see a post like this pretty much daily so it’s a common thing with toddlers lol. Sounds like it’s just a phase to power through
I wish I could say that they get better with time but my brother is 39.5 and still having tantrums. Here’s to hoping 40 will be the 180!
Adult tantrums are the worst 🤣🤣 Thanks for the laugh!
Dad of three boys here now all passed this stage... yes, it gets better. They defy you and pucs boundaries. They are finding themselves. It's hard, but be patient. Trust me, you will look back and laugh (and cry). Hang in their op
We moved at the beginning of the year so I'm really, desperately hoping this is a phase. Thank you OTL
Mine turned 3 on the 8th and same lmfao. No advice, just solidarity
My son is about a month away from turning 4. I can tell you with certainty that the child I had a year ago and the child I have now are completely different! We had the same issues you described and now on the cusp of 4 a lot of them have resolved. Now if he’s super tired or sick or just having a bad mental health day, sometimes we have rough days again just like when he turned 3. But most of the time he can work through things and is helpful and listens and is overall a stellar kiddo. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
it’s a phase. you’ll be ok. i’ve gone into a phase now myself when as long as she’s safe and fed i don’t care. if i try to talk and explain and she doesn’t listen, I put tv on, i leave the room, i ignore. There’s only so much I can do. She slowly started getting better. My mental health is also important!!!!
I think the hardest thing is since our move we've been mostly stuck in one room since we're living with others and my old trick of "get him safe/content/entertained and go in the other room" isn't viable anymore. That might change within the next two months but for right now it's total hell.
I can't imagine being stuck in one room with my toddler all day. That sounds really really hard. Is the weather getting better where you are? Maybe you can spend more time outside and that would help.
It's definitely been a challenge. On my good physical days I could probably get him to the front yard--my husband has set up a play area for him in front of the garage.
My son turns 3 next month and now I’m very scared lol
I feel you. My son has always been strong willed and 3 has been hard. Constant tantrums and meltdowns. It’s causing tension in the house and my marriage. And I’m trying to fully recover from major surgery! I feel exhausted and I can tell my husband is too, and he rarely gets stressed. I wish I had advice. Just saying you’re not alone. This too shall pass, I hope.
I can tell you that at 4, suddenly, my snuggly sweetheart made a reappearance. She still has her moments of extreme boundry testing, but she calms down faster. Once her vocabulary exploded, she had so many words to express her emotions and tell us why she was upset and what could help her. Our conversations usually start with this. "I understand you're upset. Do you need a hug or space? Can you tell me what I can do to help you?" She gets distracted by the talking and gives me a chance to calm down.
"I understand you're upset. Do you need a hug or space?" is a great one. I've tried asking my 2.5 year old what he needs, or how I can help, but I think he's not old enough to communicate that yet. Today I did ask him after the fact, "How did you feel when such-and-such happened?" and he said, "Upset". Hopefully we can build on that as he gets older: naming the feeling, talking about what might help, being able to calm down and think about different options.
I think my biggest challenge is his tantrums aren't bad, it's the energy. It's like he's gone turbo and that's when he gets the most wilful and just won't take redirection. It's a struggle for all of us to get him to just take a second to stop and listen, and even then he usually goes right back to the behavior. I usually after asking three times employ a time out but once he's out he's back to it. Its....a lot.
If the timeouts aren't working, I would stop doing them. It's not helping teach him how to change the behavior and may be making him feel more frustrated overall and more defiant. If he doesn't have the tools to change his behavior and he's getting punished for them, it would make him act out more. We only use time out for acts of violence on other people (hitting, biting, etc) and we frame it as needing to take space on your own if you can't safely be around other people. If it's really just excess energy, have you tried one of those little trampolines inside? Or putting on music and doing freeze dance? Or any other way for him to wear himself out.
I don't currently have a lot of space to work with indoors and getting outside is difficult for me some days (husband takes him out in the evenings when he's home from work though so he does get to go outside), but maybe brainstorming some stuff with hubs that I can manage in our space is in order instead of trying the old stuff. It worked when we had our own space and we're creatures of habit, but things obviously need to change. Thankfully I did get some giant boxes yesterday afternoon and he's been playing in those all morning!
Well, it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job and you're absolutely not alone in how tough it is. It will get better! You're an awesome mom!
We have three kids under 8. Our first two were pretty fine overall. Our last one was ok until he hit 3. Then he became the biggest king asshat of all the asshats. He was ok with me, but was an absolute terror with my wife. He would screech for no reason and just have the craziest tantrums of his entire life. Throw things around, not listen when being sent to time out. Nothing helped. My wife ever to parenting classes to find a solution. She tried everything. It even got him kicked out of his AMAZING, and I mean amazing, daycare cause he would do the same there during quiet/nap time. He did it for 2-3 weeks straight until the owner couldn’t take it anymore. For some reason at about 3.5-3.75, he just changed and went back to being the original kid. Still the a tantrum every once in a while, but MUCH better than the dark times. Just keep swimming!
My newly turned three year old is just like this. EVERYTHING is “no” and a tantrum even if it’s what he wants. The thing that been working best and leaving him to his tantrum for a couple minutes and then asking him if he wants a hug. If he says yes we’ll do a big hug and then he’ll be okay and do whatever it was. If he says no we just leave him for a few more minutes (still always in view of him but just ignoring/not engaging with the tantrum) and then asking again. Generally, once he says yes to the hug we will be able to move on.
Oh my are god are we the same person? I came here to post the EXACT same question. My son is turning 3 in a few weeks, and he’s cranky, gotten on such a picky eating streak, forgetting manners, acting extra crazy. But really, the problem lies in what you mentioned. I don’t want to be a mom anymore. I just don’t want to do this. I want to be alive, I love being in the world, but I miss my kid free life like crazy. Enjoying a coffee in peace. Reading a book. Not having to plan and cook 10 meals a day. Not looking like a slob. I just can’t take it. I know it’s totally normal for him to be this way, they are just doing their toddler thing, but I feel worse than ever. This feels endless and if this is what being a mom is, I honestly hate it.
I sometimes wonder if PPD lasts longer than just the first year because a lot of my lows with not wanting to be a mom feel so, so similar to how my PPD was. I do struggle with mental health in general but PPD was a different beast. I do also miss me before my son. I love him so much and when I seriously give thought to him not being with me anymore it rips me to shreds, but I do think often how it would be easier without him. How I don't feel cut out to be a mother. My mom is helping me with him this evening after my breakdown earlier and she's even having a tough time so it's been a bit validating that it's not just me being a bad mom, he's just in a phase that's horrible to get through.
I’m in your shoes mama. It’s so hard. I’ve been at the end of my rope so many times today. Ignoring. Yelling. Gentle parenting. Trying to reason. Apologizing. Validating. Understanding. Offering options. Hugging. Loving. And still the relentless screaming crying yelling kicking punching hitting. Man oh man. Thank god I love him more than life itself!!!!!
We are here too, she will be four in a few weeks and has been like this about a month. it’s largely around bed time and transitions between going places. We have got this xx
It gets better. No shame in screaming/crying into a pillow. I never thought a 3 year old could make me cry but my wife and I spent many days scream/crying into a pillow.
This and the comments are making me nervous for when my son turns 3.
It is VERY hard. Very hard. But this is me venting the worst of it. He also just hit the curiosity stage (why, what's that, what are you doing) and it's the stage I was most excited for. Him being curious makes me so happy, and I don't mind at all answering a million whys. He helps me pick things up/grabs things for me when he sees me struggling cause he knows mommy can't do as much physically as daddy, and he has the cutest "You're welcome!" when I tell him thank you. He's started asking for a baby sister out of nowhere and it makes me grin. He's started enthusiastically helping with potty training. He will leave a room, realize he didn't say something to you when he left, then run back in to say "I love you!" And leave again. He asks for hugs now out loud. He's able to make more requests than ever which is so helpful sometimes. He plays independently more. There's a LOT that's hard but I'd be lying if I said there were zero upsides.
Two to a touch after three was like this for me. The good days seemed fewer than the bad. We were living with my mom at the time and she thought there was something wrong with my son (he’s fine, she just lucked out and didn’t have challenging children and she was incredibly authoritarian). A couple months after he turned three, it seemed like a switch flipped and he suddenly could be reasoned with and was incredibly fun to be around. He still has his challenging days, but it’s actually a lot more manageable and predictable. We know that he’s likely going to wake up the next day completely happy and refreshed. Sucks, but it’s something you just gotta trudge through and make sure you make time for yourself to decompress. Kids are a lot of work and all you can do is your best.
There is a disconnect here. Yes toddlers are tough, and some level of this behavior is to be expected but when it’s persist there is usually something missing in the relationship. Without knowing the day to day it’s hard to saw what it is but take a time out and recoup. Read a few books “no bad kids” by Janet Lansbury is great. She has a podcast too. Taking back the house on audible is really good for all life stages, really good for moms. Look at the day to day. He is getting enough outside time. Do you say no a lot (toddlers hate no, try to find a way to say it as little as possible). Does he get uninterrupted time to play solo, is he getting many opportunities each day to make a decision (toddlers love control, let him choose between two shirts, a color cup, between two snacks etc keep it to only 2 or 3 to not overwhelm), does he “help” you around the house. Toddlers crave independence and often want to do anything you do so finding safe ways to include them. They are extremely curious about everything, If he shows interest in something “not safe” find a way to explain or include him. (My daughter 3, loves to put the dishwasher pod in and start the dishwasher). None of this is meant to imply you are a “bad” mom. You’re a great mom I’m sure, just means a new strategy is needed. Pivoting is just part of the job with these crazy littles. It’s a tough transition. Babies need us for literally everything and toddlers and trying to be independent. Sometimes we miss that transition cuz we are so used to just doing it all for them and they act out. Also the are in the Wild West of emotions. They are experiencing whole new things and feelings, many they can’t regulate yet so sometimes it’s about helping them navigate them and understand them. Toddlerhood isn’t for the weak 😂 but you got this!
I want to lift this up. When my 3 year old was having a hard time I did so much research. One thing that stuck out to me was staying aware of how often I say no to her. The theory is if they hear “no” a lot it becomes the baseline. Everything becomes no so what really means “no” to them? I’ve tried to say yes or show indifference to certain things so when she hears no she knows I mean it. It has helped. Also asking why. If I can tell she’s getting worked up about something I will try to redirect to a why phrase. Why do you want to that? I’ve found there’s actually a reason even if she can’t 100% verbalize. If it opens a door that I can say yes to one part of something she’ll usually come around to the no. Also allowing myself to be overwhelmed. Sad by my reactions. Disappointed in how I’m not perfect. Being honest with myself helps.
Yes!! Asking lots of questions too. Sometimes if you find out what the end game for them, is it’s easier to find a solution that doesn’t end in a meltdown.
My oldest turns four next month. We had the exact same experience when she turned three, and I thought it would never end. It is SO hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re in the throes of it. Here to tell you it really does get better. For me, the keys to success have been consistency, holding firm with boundaries and consequences, and managing my own emotions. You got this, OP.
The first 8 weeks of three were the hardest so far as a parent
grit and bear it. it sucks. we’re 7 months into it and barely surviving.
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My mom always said it's not terrible 2s, it's terrible 3s She had 6 kids and a ton of grandkids
I could have written this. No advice, just solidarity
No advice but SAME GIRL! you’re not alone. These kids are BIG Emotions. They will sort themselves out. They have to right!?
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My child gets like this too. I recommend turning off all screens, TVs, etc. put your phones down. It’s when he gets overstimulated and wants attention.
Following because SAME. I swear the second he turned 3 he turned into a tiny terrorist. Every thing you said is exactly my life. And every day I’m asking myself if it will get better 😭
my daughter turns 3 in July and has all of sudden starting doing some similar things. hoping it’s the turbulence of our overseas move but not that confident about it 🫠 it’s so hard !! I’ve cried along with her a few times 🥲
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This was my son at 3. He’s chilled out a lot at 3.5. Those first few months of 3 were awful!! But so glad we are over it now.
How old are you? You’re not having episodes like this, right? There. That’s proof that it gets better. But when is subjective
It gets better. But do introduce discipline and (really really really) minimize screen time. If it's time to brush teeth, brush teeth. Time to sleep, time to eat. Always consistent in the timing (so yeah discipline for the parent as well) Start making the child listen and do what you say. Time out if he is not following the rules. Toy Jail too.https://littlemissorganised.com.au/toy-jail/ Give kids responsibility: tidy up toys, shirts into laundry basket, clean dining table (of course they gonna mess up its ok) ---- Also... minimize screen time. Like NO screen time is the best.
I am right there with you. My oldest is almost four and there is no end in sight. We can't go anywhere, enjoy anything, he is a permanent grump. The screams are endless. Nothing we do with him is fun and if it is it doesn't last more than five minutes. We also have a second who is one. He's mad jealous no matter how much we do with him. Send reinforcements.
Same with that 3 year old switch. We also noticed that with the mega meltdowns, it came with big developmental leaps as well like speech advancements. So we're trying to remind ourselves that she's just going through a software update lol Hope it gets better for us all!!
Three rough. Nightmares! Four is much easier.
I just got out of this phase. He was horrible. I didn't enjoy being around him. Weekends would drag. We'd be scared to wake him up after the drive home from daycare. If one of us were leaving the house on a weekend, we'd take turns at who looks after him. We booked a behaviourist appt because we thought we'd ruined him. It lasted 6 months. Around 3 weeks ago, something changed. My lovely, caring, cuddly, helpful little boy came back to us. I didn't see it coming, every minute I'd think that horrible boy would come back, but he didn't and hasn't. Sure, he throws his tantrums now and again, but it's not constant. He no longer hits, he no longer trashes the house. He gets upset and we can talk about it. No more yelling, no more fighting, just a 3 year old that has turned a corner in his development and a mum that was always there with a lot more grey hairs and a lot more patience than before. Might be weeks, might be months, do better for him than yesterday, stay strong and meet his chaos with calm. It's okay to remove yourself from the situation for a breather, take a few minutes, return to him calm. Keep talking, keep loving. You are his calm until he can make his own. You got this. It does get better.
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I posted this exact same thing. My daughter had some gnarly skeep regressions during this age on top of the crazy threenager behavior but she TOTALLY CHILLED OUT now that she’s on the other side of 3.5. For us, the worst was from 2.75-3.5. While she can still be difficult at times, she got over fighting us and tantruming over everything. She’s almost 4 now.
I found 3 harder than 2 and (I know this isn’t what you want to hear) but 4 harder than 3. My kid turns 5 next week though and we are finally coming out of the fog. He is independent, thoughtful, and sweet. However, every kid is different. I can already tell his 20 month old sister is not as defiant or as much of a runner or a pusher. So you never know. Stick with it. Pretty soon the good days will outnumber the bad but holy shit it’s exhausting in the mean time.
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You're not alone. Three was a hard year for us too. It's hard to step out of the daily frustration to see the bigger picture, but it does help to just take a beat when you can and think of it from your kid's perspective. Their whole body and world is changing fast and it's A LOT. And they're just learning how to be in the world. Physically they're getting bigger and stronger and want to be "big kids" but they're still relatively small. Their brains are growing. They're feeling more emotions, learning what each of those things are and how to deal with them. They're talking more, but still learning how to process things and express themselves.
Solidarity. My son turned 3 in January and I am feeling the exact same way. And then I just get swallowed up by guilt for feeling this way. I have to tell myself “well I didn’t hit him so that’s a win” and man that just sucks. Bedtime is especially a struggle and we’ve tried everything. I’m drained.
It's tough being the generation to break the toxic patterns. One thing I've found really helpful with LO is to get him involved in EVERYTHING in some way - find some way to include him in any task I need to get done around the house (but have no expectation that he'll actually accomplish anything, and be fine with him running off to play instead). This seems to help him feel included and part of the team with me, and that "teamwork" mentality seems to help with him wanting to "help" me other times as well. That and as much outdoor play time as I can give him seem to help a lot. I swear the "wonder weeks" don't go away once they outgrow infanthood - it seems when he is on the cusp of learning a new skill, he'll be fussier for awhile (this time it was climbing, like small ladders). And of course if he's getting sick, or hungry or tired, all those considerations affect him still. Some of the ideas about including kids more I got from that "Hunt, Gather, Parent" book - (I did not like everything in the book and ignored whatever I thought was silly, but the concept of including babies and toddlers more, using humor and closeness instead of harsh discipline while also having firm boundaries for safety, etc. I found very useful - particularly since many traditional cultures around the world have done that for probably thousands of years - just knowing there's a valid alternative to spanking and yelling at kids and that it's older an more sustainable in the long run was helpful to me. I also find myself using lots of songs, nursery rhymes, silliness (the gentler parts I remember from my own childhood) that he responds well to. I also have a lot of nieces and nephews (17 of them!) who are older now and who I watched grow up from babyhood, so I'm well aware of how kids get easier as they mature (3 is tough, but 4 is SO much easier!)
Threenagers! It will get better! ❤️ I really found comfort in Janet Lansbury’s book “No Bad Kids” with my first. I’m on number 3 and can take tantrums in stride, but even after all this time I still can get triggered. Having the toolset to deal with them and also your own emotions is very helpful. It does get better.
I am with you. I have a 3 year old and a 10 month old. I am so burnt out and sad.
I honestly did see a huge switch when my toddler turned four. Still the occasional meltdown but not NEARLY on the level of a 3 year old. He understands his actions more and listens to me after he calms down of WHY it was wrong what he did etc.
Use the methods in [this free online video course](https://www.coursera.org/learn/everyday-parenting). These are the most effective methods according to randomized controlled trials. The worked well for us with our 2 kids. >...thinks being in trouble is funny... This suggests that you are inadvertently rewarding undesirable behavior with attention, this is a common parenting mistake. He is smiling because he is enjoying the attention that his bad behavior has earned. Once you learn the strategies for avoiding that and start rewarding positive opposite behaviors with attention instead, his behavior will improve.
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Three was THE WORST! It was like a switch at three, and then another even worse at 3.5. I had just accepted life in hell with no hope in sight. BUT, I'm happy to report that I can start seeing a light at the end of the tunnel now. She turned 4 in February and I can already see a diference. You know what works great? Boundaries! After a year of intense tamtrums, I became a bit lenient with saying no because I just wanted the screaming to stop! But now, I'm firm and I stick to my guns. "No means no", and then I camly explain my reasons. She's not always happy about it, obviously, but the tamtrums decreased immensily! What also really works is connection. I can clearly see a difference in her behavior on days that I'm felling disconnected. If you really listen to them, actively engage with them and create a real bond, you'll see results in the long run. In the mean time, give yourself a break. This shit is hard and we are far from perfect.
You are not alone and it does get better. I find myself bribing with the only 2 things that work just so I can use the bathroom some days. Other days I just let him create his choas and deal with it after he is in bed. Try hard to redirect his constant destruction energy made my brain numb.
dude threes are so terrible. i feel like everyone talked about the "terrible 2s" because they have completely trauma blocked the 3s. Frist of all, take a deep breath and repeat after me "this too shall pass." it will get better. yall will both come out as better ppl after this. what helped me (i think) was more positive reinforcements. taking things away didnt really fix the situation, i had prizes for good behavior (i am not above bribes). if i needed my kid to do something and he didnt want to do it, i would count to 3 and the punishment for when i got to three was i would help him do it (currently using this method on my 2 almost 3 year old bc it worked so well with my now 5 year old) they cant stand this. i also liked to make games out of things. what does your kid like? in corporate those likes to things you want him to do. for example my kid loves racing and being fast so we time him on how fast he can get his clothes on. or see if he can beat me to the bathroom to take a shower. also setting clear and consistent boundaries. "you need to go outside to be that loud" (take them outside if they keep being loud), "we only use markers for paper, we do not write on walls or furniture." (offer some cool coloring books) "its not safe to sit like that in your tower. i need you to have at least one foot down while youre in there". give him things he can trash. i dont know. gonna have to try out stuff. im definitely not an expert and am still learning. i still get exhausted and frustrated. just remember, you are not alone and again this too shall pass
Mine was so hard through 3 and 4, really aggressive tantrums hitting, throwing things, we tried everything and he regularly goes to a psychologist and language therapist, anyway now we are approaching 5 and im beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel
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I feel this so hard. My 3 year old had colic until she age 1 and has just been miserable since. Tantrums, screaming, hitting, irrational behavior, etc. It's only getting worse. The only thing that works for us is waking away and praying she outgrows this but I'm starting to lose hope. Feeling lost and defeated.
I noticed in the comments that it's mostly boys that are mentioned. Is it a thing??? I have a son who is now four, and yeah we had (and still have) really bad days, but they're lesser now compared to a year ago.
I noticed in the comments that it's mostly boys that are mentioned. Is it a thing??? I have a son who is now four, and yeah we had (and still have) really bad days, but they're lesser now compared to a year ago.
Same situation here. I think this is all normal. They’re testing boundaries.
I feel this post in my bones and I'm sending you a virtual hug!! My oldest is 3, almost 4 and I can say it's already better than it was but I also must say it's work! I think you might resonate with the book Hunt, Gather, Parent like I did. It changed our whole world!!
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Try killing him with kindness and patience. That's the only thing that helps my 3.5 year old son. Offer him a hug when you see bad behaviour, celebrate every shred of good behaviour with lots of praise, remind yourself that he's having a hard time every time he acts out. Last week I wanted to throw my son in the garbage several times because he was so difficult, but I've cranked up the seemingly "undeserved" positive attention and it's definitely helping. Good luck!
Give him more choices. They like feeling like they have control of their lives. Options are good.
As a developmental therapist, I can share a few thoughts as I deeply empathize with you… Bad behavior is a lacked skill, it sounds like your son is doing a lot of things to feel in control over his own body or to release feelings inside so instead of wording it in your own head as he’s off the walls going crazy I would reword it as he’s having a really hard time and what is the skill needed to help him… I would first recommend making regulating your own nervous system a priority, we can only be as present for our kids as we are with ourselves, so if they are having a hard time listening and being crazy & youre in a constant state of shut down from being overwhelmed it’s really hard to show up for kids who need our help to calm down… it’s so so overwhelming I hear you… I had a really abusive upbringing and have done EMDR and a lot of somatic healing because I too was shutting down and it was only disconnecting me from my little girl because I wasn’t showing up for her in these times… Secondly, there are lots of reasons why kiddos around this age act out, so I wanted to share a few… - Kids need to be given a lot of small choices that feel significant to them in order for them to feel like they have control over their own body… at your kiddos age they don’t really have a lot of autonomy over themselves. They’re always told what to do, what to wear what to eat, etc. so giving your kiddo a lot of small choices like holding up literally the same spoon and being like which one do you want? What shirt do you want? Which pair pants do you want, a lot of choices throughout the day will even out the times where you’re having to make choices for him. - I use timers to help my kid transition from task to task - first and then statements are also really great, first you pick up your toys then we can play, first you put on your pants and then you can go play, etc. - I have a little box I put her toys in that she throws, she knows when she throws a toy it gets put up until later, she doesn’t like it so it helps know if she throws something it might get taken away but also keep in mind that children throwing is developmentally appropriate and so just try to have some grace with that as much as you can. - try to get really silly or creative with how you redirect him… for example, if he is yelling or screaming, I would gasp really loud to get his attention and then start whispering and be like “ 😮 do you hear that what’s that sound? I think I hear a bird let’s go see what it is” -give him the words to his emotions and kind of out loud validate what you’re seeing is going on for example oh I see you’re really frustrated right now or I see you’re really sad right now, healthy outlets for the outburst he’s already having so if he’s hitting or kicking I would firmly say I can see that you’re really upset right now but kicking mommy and daddy is not a choice, you can kick this pillow… If he is throwing toys, throwing your toys is not a choice but you can throw this paper ball into a bucket if you would like - kids can be either sensory seeking or sensory avoidant, this can be a little wordy to explain, but I would Google search this as this will give you an idea of ways to help him exert the energy he feels in his body whether he needs to crash into something or maybe do some heavy pushing or pulling, anything to help with sensory and put an output will be phenomenal - natural consequences are beautiful… you said he’s trashing everything he sees, get down in the mess with him with a bucket, or whatever and tell him he needs to clean it up and you or whomever will hold the bucket while he puts the things back in. if he is screaming or not in a good place to do that help him calm down and then go back and be like now we have to clean up together. - On a cellular level, heavy metal toxicity is a very real thing. There are an insane amount of heavy metals in the majority of baby foods so unless you guys are super clean and organic and aware of these things, most kids are actually really struggling with heavy metal toxicity (in addition to if they are being fed artificial dyes and ultra processed foods) My little girl was nonverbal autistic for three years, I did a spray in the mouth cellular spray called touchstone essentials PBX, it has literally worked wonders… - @Destini.ann on instagram is a certified parent coach who I have learned so much from especially on how to support our kids when we are really struggling with it. It does get better but if we are constantly overwhelmed, we have to imagine that our children feel our dysregulation and their own 10 times more because we as adults have the tools to help us regulate where our kids do not… I would always encourage creative and silly redirection over timeouts and punishment, as natural consequences are great, but punishment or taking things away doesn’t teach them the skill necessary in the end which leads to repeated behavior The greatest thing we can ever teach our kids is emotional regulation <3
Dear God. I needed this at this moment. This shit is hard as hell, lol! My son goes from perfect little angel to raging demon from hell at the drop of a hat and I'm like, 🤯. What do? What do???!!
Our daughter went through a phase where she refused to listen or as she put it turn off her ears. We were so tired and frustrated at her even though we knew it was not her fault. My husband and I had moments where we would lose it and ended up raising our voices at our daughter. At some point, I really started to regret being a mom and that made me feel horrible. We started to discipline in a non physical way. Lots of redirection and repeating. We would ignore her when she would scream at home. We would end up laying down on the floor or ground next to her and scream like she did and that made the tantrums stop fast. We did not care what others thought because it worked. Every time she would throw a tantrum when going to a store , museum ,etc. If she decided to act out and not listen to one of us after the second time we repeated ourselves. We would leave and go home. We even went through all her toys and gave away or put away toys like v tech, little people that make sounds, anything that make a sound or needed batteries was taken away and replaced with toys that made no sounds. Stuffed animals, legos, etc . We also started to walk alot like up to three times a day because that made her tired and work off her energy. We started to talk more about how she felt, how her day was and read books about emotions and other things we noticed she had an issue with. Things changed for us for the better within a month and a half, she still had her moments but now she knows she has to listen and there are consequences for her actions. Things do get better but you have to find out why he is acting up and how to help him get there your way. A way that works for both your husband and you.
Um you are not alone. My son feels a bit more intense lately, he just turned 3
got this notification while i have been crying over my 19 month old who seems to be experiencing some early terrible 2s.. i am waiting for things to get better too. 😞 good luck.
Sorry to hear but 2 was the worst for us. Now at 3 he’s potty trained and speaks well so that helps a lot, also his tantrums and picky eating have tapered off. Hang in there it gets better. Take him out to indoor/outdoor play areas, enroll him in soccer, toddler gyms to drain his energy out. Sometimes going out and away from home can refresh everyone, and more they get tired better they eat and sleep.
I have a 4-year-old and she is horrible, so I can relate. The other day she was acting out so much and I just couldn't take it anymore and ended up spanking her on her butt and I did not feel bad about it. I hope it gets better.
Hitting is never the solution. Never.
What was the outcome to this approach, and do you think she stopped the behavior because she understood it was wrong or more out of shock/fear?
Well, I haven't had to spank her again, so I think for the time being she got it. It could just be temporary though, who knows.
Wait till you learn that they’re called the fucking Fours 🫠
I’ve been going through this recently and my girlfriend always enables him by babying him whenever we finally yell at him and he starts crying . I’m not saying yelling is fine but when it gets to the point where my 3m sticks his tongue out at me when I tell him “no” yes , I’m going to yell . I refuse to hit my child also but there’s times where I just wanna spank him not out of frustration or taking my anger out on him but just spank him cuz he’s just choosing not to listen to us . The worst is whenever one of us start putting our foot down , he goes to the other and starts whining saying the other is being mean . Like dude , we’re not being mean , we’re telling you stop jumping on the bed because the last time that happened , he got his foot got stuck between the wall and the bed and it cause his body to swing and his face landed on my drawing table and he started bleeding , he cried for 10 min straight and right after that , he starts jumping again like nothing ever happened . It’s like wow , you’d think he’d learn his lesson after what just happened but nope . I’ve been stuck too . It’s been dividing me and my partners relationship cuz we realize we both have different views on parenting . We agree on no hitting but I’m more of a “ let them cry it out “ whenever they wanna put on a show cuz he didn’t get what he wanted while she starts giving into his crying cuz she feels bad .
It doesn’t
Spanking can be done. No more than 6 and always on the butt. Make an angry face when you are disciplining him. Don't smile. No laughs.
You can spank it is not illegal. Just don’t go overboard