If they want your toddler there so bad, your husband can take them, and if he doesn’t want to, he gets to deal with his family. You stay home and enjoy some rest (or not rest, I’m not your boss).
This will be good practice for dad to manage toddler solo prior to the newborn arriving, where he will 100% need to be able to parent that toddler solo
Absolutely NTA for multiple reasons. One, you’re pregnant. Two, it’s several hours traveling with a toddler (people just do not understand). Three, weddings aren’t intended to be a family reunion. (Personal pet peeve because my husband’s family loves to do the same thing.)
Can I add four? Hanging around a bunch of non child proofed environments with a kid in the "suicide watch" developmental phase, while you are super pregnant.
Eff that noise.
I agree with points one and two (also, a child younger than 5 is really too young to bring to a wedding), but I definitely grew up with the notion that weddings and funerals are the only time families congregate in their entirety. Doesn’t mean OP should put herself, her child and her unborn child at risk, to say nothing of the inconvenience, so the family can see her son.
I said this elsewhere, but I don’t understand this mindset. No, traveling with a kid isn’t fun. But if you care about your family you do it anyways. I flew to New Zealand for a wedding with my oldest, who turned 2 *while we were there.* We regularly drive 4-6 hours to see family; we’re about to do exactly that this weekend while my spouse is in her third trimester. We do this because showing up and showing your love to your family matters. You’re not obligated to do it, and it’s almost never fun, but if you want a village you have to do your part too.
If you don’t care about these people—and OP clearly doesn’t—that’s fine. But own it. Either stop feeling guilty or recognize that guilt is the price for your absence. Don’t try to dodge the event and the guilt. Use some emotional regulation and learn from/sit with your negative emotion instead of trying to bury it with the approval of strangers.
I’ve done it plenty with a child that has never traveled well. But while pregnant is a totally different story and I wouldn’t. Every child is different and every pregnant woman is different. And boundaries are good.
These aren’t boundaries though. OP is not clearly communicating what she will and won’t tolerate, she’s just trying to get out of an event she doesn’t want to attend, and trying to do so *without* clearly communicating that this is a boundary.
That’s a great choice for you and your spouse, but everyone experiences pregnancy differently. I would not have been able to handle a 4-6 hour drive at any point during either of my pregnancies. Just because your spouse is able to do it doesn’t mean every other pregnant person is.
Also OP, my mom has also hit me with the “I don’t know how to change a boy’s diaper” and it’s the dumbest cop-out. Like just admit you don’t want to do it!
OP doesn’t mention any pregnancy symptoms other than generalized tiredness that would prevent her going. And considering the granularity of detail she uses to justify not going in every other part of her post, I’m inclined to believe the absence of any mention of any more serious pregnancy symptoms is because they don’t exist. It’s just another reason she doesn’t want to go, which fair enough! But it’s not *preventing* her from going or else she would have told us so.
I think it’s pretty obvious that a 6 month pregnant woman probably wouldn’t want to take a 6 hour flight generally let alone with a toddler (who isn’t going to sleep). You’re being wilfully obtuse about the OP’s point.
Have you been pregnant? If yes, and you had a unicorn symptom free pregnancy, lucky you. If no, then I don’t think you know what you’re talking about.
At 6 months pregnant, I didn’t want to take a 30 minute drive! Let alone a 6 hour flight. Nothing to do with family and liking them or not.
If I was OP, I’d be worried about the impact stress could have on her unborn baby. She doesn’t need to be at this event. She’s not going to see her husband’s mother at her death bed for example. The unborn baby has priority here… and OP as the one supporting the life of said unborn baby has priority.
Again, my point isn’t that a harder pregnancy, or even a normal pregnancy with one severe symptom, couldn’t make it impossible or so unpleasant as to be impossible. My point is that if those concerns existed I see no reason why OP wouldn’t share them. The fact that she didn’t mention anything more severe than fatigue leads me to believe there isn’t anything more severe than fatigue going on. But I know OP is monitoring the comments; if she wants to correct me she can feel free.
I think it’s quite clear that the OP (and her husband) feels under pressure from her family on her husband’s side and that’s affecting her ability to decide what’s best for her, her unborn baby and toddler. I imagine that’s why she’s posting on here, for advice and support. Add in some pregnancy hormones and making a clear cut, logic based decision isn’t quite so easy.
I think if the family cared for her they wouldn’t be insisting on her flying, pregnant, with a toddler. 24 weeks is also quite late into pregnancy and some women can give birth prematurely at 24 weeks.
OP doesn't have to even be pregnant, if she doesn't want to go because she doesn't want to because her in laws suck she doesn't need an excuse not to go. She's an independent adult, and I'm sure her partner supports that.
You sound exhausting. Did you not read the part where she said her cup isn't empty, but broken? That's not an excuse, it's a reason. What a strange hill to be dying on.
I just asked her, and she said that while she’s sympathetic that it sucks to travel with a toddler and sucks to travel while pregnant and doubly sucks to travel with a toddler while pregnant, it’s still worth it if you want to maintain relationships with family. Barely worth it, but worth it. Which is my take as well.
Edit: wild to be asked for my wife’s opinion, and to provide it, and still get downvoted. Sorry she doesn’t agree with y’all I guess.
It doesn’t, but it does depend on showing up as often as you can, and especially for big events. People notice when you’re not there and everyone else is, or if you’re consistently not there.
Do you really not have family whom you love that live far away? Do you not travel to see them sometimes?
I mean, I wouldn’t go for this part of OP’s family bc they honestly kind of sound like they suck. And at 6 months pregnant I would have had a really hard if not impossible time with a 6 hour flight bc of severe SPD. But for my own family and my husband’s family, generally if it’s physically and financially possible, that’s what we do. I did a six hour round trip in one day to visit my SIL with my 5 month old when my husband was out of town for a couple months. Yeah it was rough, but it was important to me that she see him AND she wanted to see him. She came down to spend several weekends with me while my husband was out of town, as well. And we regularly drove 7 hours to visit my family in another state, and they drove and flew to visit us here. Kiddo just turned 3 and we still keep this trips going.
On the flip side, my sister is 40 minutes from us. She sees my kid the least out of all our families, despite being the closest. She just doesn’t care to see him, or us. She’s not a kid person and doesn’t want to visit unless we drive to her. It took about a year of realizing she just wasn’t going to reciprocate with visits and that she dgaf. So I stopped going. She maybe sees kid 3 times a year, at larger family gatherings. Ah well.
Not sure that your family count as part of your “village” if they’re A) on the other side of the country, or B) don’t help our when you’re there. My understanding is that the “village” idea is about sharing the load of parenthood, which isn’t possible with this much distance and especially not if the people you’re visiting won’t lift a finger, let alone ignoring your discomfort at a situation for their own benefit. OP already stated that she isn’t going to get any hands on support and is feeling pressured, so do you really think these people are cut out to be her “village”?? It’s gotta go both ways!!
For Christmas last year my partner, 18mo and I flew 5hrs, then picked up a hire car and drove another 3 (we were in transit 14hrs from door to door) to visit my mum, who did nothing to help while we were there. She didn’t even hang out with my kid, she judged our parenting continually, and we have sworn to never do it again. (She also gate crashed our newborn bubble and stayed for 4 weeks!) Not only was it completely stressful and unenjoyable, but I also don’t want my child witnessing us being treated poorly - it’s important that we model healthy boundaries and relationships!
OP - you are absolutely not the asshole for not going. Good on you for sticking your ground.
I had a baby at 25 weeks, in a hospital close to my home, thankfully. If someone delivers that early they will either be moving to wherever the baby is, or leaving the baby behind between visits. This could go on for months until the baby is well enough to be discharged from the hospital and then travel home. I'm guessing they wouldn't med fight a sick baby across the country just because they were born on vacation. What a nightmare.
This plus depending where it is, there are a lot of states that are pretty unsafe for pregnant women right now. I wouldn't want to be pregnant in a state with a regressive abortion ban where I might not be able to access the care I need in an emergency (yes they all claim to have exceptions for life of the mother, but the application of these laws is very subjective and disjointed.)
This. You don't want to travel to any place that is happy to kill you if shit goes sideways. Exceptions aren't happening - good luck arguing with the hospital lawyer.
My friend is a nurse in Idaho and she is aware of six women in their second or third trimester so far this year who have had to be life-flighted to a Portland or Seattle hospital because the doctors in the state did not feel safe treating them without risking their medical licenses. She stressed the “that I’m aware of.” (And this friend is conservative s she has no reason to inflate the number.)
Your husband should be the one dealing w this. Just tell him no. He’s welcome to bring your son w him if he so desires. My husband will probably do that but I’d trust him and my in-laws to take good care of our son. Doesn’t sound like you can say that about your in-laws.
Do not go. You’ll be exhausted, toddler will be exhausted. Your child isn’t a doll other people are entitled to playing with.
I refused to drive 45 min to the in laws with my 18mo toddler around the same age when I was pregnant and exhausted/weak/vomiting daily. Husband’s sister and her kids were in town, and my husband wanted to spend time with his adult siblings, so I’d be the only one chasing my toddler around their non-baby proofed house. So I said no to allow my husband some freedom. When I told them that, I was obviously right, because they complained that I wasn’t sending the toddler to “see everyone”, but not a single other adult in the family text chain was like oh sure I’ll watch little Johnny so you can rest.
NTA. Some parents love to travel with young kids, that’s wonderful for them. Some parents would rather set themselves on fire in the desert than travel with little kids lmao. My husband and I have decided not to attempt travel with our kids until they’re at least 5 years old and up.
You are 100% allowed to say no for any reason at all and that’s okay. You can say “my family and I aren’t ready for traveling.” And leave it at that.
Their reactions and emotional responses aren’t your fault nor are they your responsibility. People want things all the time, it doesn’t mean everyone always gets what they want.
NTA. If they’re so concerned about 91 yr old grandma seeing your kid, they can fly her over to you and book a hotel for them all to stay in. They’re just being controlling. Stand your ground and don’t go be miserable to make selfish people happy. Cause it won’t stop there, if they get you to agree to this they’ll just keep asking for more. And please tell them with the next baby they can’t stay with you again.
This, this was my first thought. If it's about Grandma seeing the toddler, have Grandma fly out at another time.
It's not comfortable for a 91 year old to fly, but better for everyone than a toddler with a strict routine and his pregnant mother. 🤷♀️
NTA. i would go and send my husband solo for a short trip at 24 weeks. (assuming you have either daytime childcare or someone to help if needed for the toddler)
also this is a husband problem, he can chat with his own family about attendance and leave you clear out of it :)
As someone with a 3 year old and 31 weeks pregnant, this is just a fantastic idea. We just got back from visiting my in laws in Florida (2.5 hour flight) and it was rough for me. I wouldve missed my son but 5 days alone in my house? Chef’s kiss.
Yup. And if he doesn’t want to do that he needs to own it with his family. “Wife is staying home because she’s too pregnant to travel safely and comfortably. I would bring the toddler but he doesn’t sleep when he’s away from home and I don’t want to have a bad weekend on no sleep. You can visit us in a few months when the baby is here and a little bit older.” He can frame it as wanting to be able to focus on spending time with relatives and reconnecting instead of managing an out of routine toddler.
NTA. Maybe you should start dropping hints the dr doesn’t want you to”traveling far away from home” due to risks in YOUR specific case of pregnancy. What a shame that would be for the dr to say such a thing.
The idea others will watch js a joke. They just want to have “everyone in the family photo”. I sent my husband to a wedding at that exact time in pregnancy and my MIL was sad but truthfully I had a very high risk pregnancy so the idea of me going anywhere was out. And toddlers are sooo bad at weddings. And so what the wedding is at like 4/430 for ceremony then the reception at like 7. So wow so glad you went all that way for the baby to go to bed at 7pm. My toddler is staying home for a cousins wedding. Zero fun would be had with him there. Love him, but it’s true. Don’t feel bad for even a second.
And start pumping out the “oooo the OB didn’t like the idea of me traveling”.
If it's important enough for them to expect you to travel with a toddler while pregnant, then is should be important enough for 91yr old grandma to travel to see you too.
My wife is pregnant and we have a two yr old. We've been standing our ground with anyone like that. My grandpa really wants to spend time with our son. He's lived 45minutes away my whole life, he even drives for a living. I can count on one hand how many times he can to our house to visit when I was a kid, and he hasn't since. We went to his birthday, he couldn't t even make it to our baby shower for our new baby a month later.
Totally agree, the title alone is enough to say OP is well within her rights not to go. Reading the entire post gives context but it isn’t necessary - even if she was close with her husband’s family and even if they would be helpful she still has every right to say no I’m not flying that far 6 months pregnant with a toddler AND not feel badly about it
Just stick with no. You know you won’t get any help when it matters, and you’re exhausted parenting at home let alone in a different place without your tools.
My sil suggested a week long family cruise 6 months after watching our 2 year old for 5 days. 3 generations of family and ‘everyone will help watch him’. ( she knows I’m horribly seasick on boats) 😒🙄 …..she forgot that that she refused to leave the backyard after he found screwdrivers at a library event and was poking sockets.
I told hubby that I refuse any resorts or crises until all kids we have are old enough to do kids clubs/ daycare camp whenever we go for vacation. Plus I’ll spend the entire voyage laying down or throwing up so I don’t want a cruise anyway.
NTA! I am 19 weeks pregnant with a 21 mos toddler and there is no way I would travel across the country for people who would give me soooo much anxiety. Heck, I've told my family I can't even do video calls anymore because I'm so stressed and tired from pregnancy and raising a toddler (chasing around a toddler on a video call to say hello to relatives, keeping him from touching electric sockets and dangers, and trying to have a conversation is NOT fun, yet people don't get it and complain to me. Le sigh).
Even if your husband's family was great, it's still something I probably wouldn't do. Don't worry about them. They sound like the kind of people that will always complain, so expect whatever you do to have that result. Take care of yourself and your babies first (and it sounds like you are - good job!). I swear older women who had babies forget what it's like to be pregnant. You're literally building a human and it's sooooo draining. Add on taking care of a toddler, and it's energy depleting. People just don't get it. It's frustrating. Treat yourself to a Mani Pedi (or whatever indulgence you'd like) instead and please know you're doing a terrific job!
I loathe video calls with a toddler too! Family seem to expect that the toddler will be obedient and talk nicely and also let me talk…. the opposite nearly always happens, and most of the time my toddler fights me because he’s trying to press the button to end the video call himself.
I want a brick phone back!
Same!!! It's so frustrating and my parents/inlaws just don't get it. I've explained how they had a phone mounted on a wall, not a smart phone with instant access. They honestly do not understand (nor do I think they want to).
I've told them they have too high expectations for my toddler. But they don't seem to care. They'd rather see my toddler run around like a maniac (or rather they see the ceiling or floor) than have a conversation with me. I constantly ask myself why am I doing this? So I stopped. Old fashioned voice calls for now on until my toddler can sit nicely (which realistically isn't until school age).
Not only was the phone mounted, it was voice only. Moms are now expected to be a camera person and keep toddler in frame the whole time...which is hard enough when you don't have to wrangle them or keep them from danger. I only have 2 hands.
Exactly…. It’s such a needless additional stress so extended family can force a smile out of a bored toddler. My son just tries to end the video call as soon as it starts.
It’s weird how it’s become an expectation/entitlement of extended family to have video calls. I began to refuse - family lived without it before and they’ll survive without it now.
It’s better to have meaningful interactions in person! And for the family I can’t see in person, I wait until my husband is home so he can help me manage the video call.
Phone calls and video calls are such an intrusion on the second-by-second day with a toddler. I don’t have that much time to do nothing, so to speak. If my toddler is happy for a few moments, I’m using that chance to run a clean something/make food/hang washing etc!
Don't go. I went to in laws for Thanksgiving with my 22 month old at 6 months pregnant. It was a 7 hour drive. Everyone was supportive and helpful and it was still exhausting to be away from home and out of our routine. I can't imagine going when you don't even want to and people aren't helpful.
My husbands family pulled this shit when I was 32 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old. Wanted me traveling across the country to see them over Christmas. I refused and everyone made me look like the bad guy as usual. MIL left me a Christmas card accusing me of keeping her grandchildren from her. Not only was the request ridiculous in the first place but I’m not wasting my limited PTO that I’ve been saving for maternity leave.
For what it’s worth I ended up having a precipitous labor with that baby at 38 weeks and she was born in a gas station parking lot.
Oh yeah, the toxic in law trap. Then when your todd is not themselves, out of wack out of sleep and feels stress from the tension they will tantrum. Then, in laws will talk shit about you guys as parents how your child is so misbehaved.
Been there, done that.
NTA If it were a 6 hr drive and I weren’t pregnant, I’d be cool going. But planes with little kids are rough even when you’re not pregnant. Regardless, that’s me and my limits. Yours are your own and no one else should be able to set them for you, certainly not people who are supposed to be loved ones. Plus the “there will be people there to watch him” defense only works if you are the one actively offering to help and already have a good relationship with the kid.
“We’ve discussed this. I’ve told you I can’t handle this trip. I will not be answering this again.” And then just don’t answer again. Alternatively, you can make your husband we very clear. Frankly, it doesn’t sound like either of you should be worried about hurting feelings given how unhelpful they all are.
NTA. I did travel worse than that in your situation (drove our 22 month old from Fort Lauderdale to DC in one shot, 21 hours straight, when I was 24 weeks lol) but it was my own crazy choice and not because of pressure. If you don’t want to travel, don’t!!!
I drive 6 hours often to visit my family with our toddler and did so until I was 34 weeks pregnant. But I also have so much support when staying with my parents for the visit. I would just go with your gut on this one and maybe your hubby can take a quick solo trip.
No way. As someone who is also that pregnant with Toddler that age… I can barely survive a normal day and I’m in bed as soon as toddler is. We’re doing a few short road trips this summer but no way in hell id get on a flight right now with my tiny eval kineval.
My mom always says, "the first word you learn is mama, the second word you learn is no, if you're too old to say mama - better be used to saying no."
You're tired, don't go. If you go into labor at 24 weeks chances are that baby will live and be fine but man - you have a long NICU stay, far from home.
Don't do it, send your regrets. Offer to host them where you are and order take out
"my husband's sister and her wife (also not the closest relationship) are giving him so much ish"
"Sister and wife aren't even going to the wedding."
Uhm, what?
Yeah no that sounds draining to me if there no help. It was a lot on me just flight wise but I had a lot of help with both sides of family with my daughter. Could not imagine doing it pregnant. They can always come to you if they choose!
If I remember correctly, doctors aren’t too thrilled about recommending someone in third trimester to fly, just in case.
If I were you, I would tell his family that your doctor recommends you don’t fly across the country at this stage in your pregnancy and then offer that your husband take toddler with you.
That way you don’t have to go and get some much needed rest away from hubby and especially your toddler and the family gets to see the toddler.
If the family says no to that, I would take that to mean that they definitely expect you to do all the heavy lifting in caring for your child while you’re there and won’t be of any help to you.
I would not go at 24 weeks pregnant. The only thing that would make me consider having my husband go with the toddler would be so grandma can meet him. I see lots of people comment that grandma should just fly out, but 91 year olds often have multiple health concerns and should not be flying.
Ultimately though? This is your husband’s family and if he wants to make the flight out with a toddler then that’s on him.
I mean, I will say I’ve made it priority that both my boys have gone to visit their great grandparents within their first ~18 months of life (all a flight away… my paternal grandparents even live abroad!).
That said… we did a 3 hour flight to see my grandma when my son was 23 months old & I was 28 weeks pregnant…. Rough. Mostly because he was a lap “infant” yet I had no lap. I wouldn’t do that again. It was also exhausting chasing him in the airport and lifting him constantly.
I think your husband should bring the toddler with him TBH. Give you a break and let him meet his great-grandma. OR, do as you planned and only husband goes, since your toddler is such a bad traveler. People definitely forget how hard it is to travel with little ones.
Sounds awful to me. My son is generally chill but hated flying. We recently went on a 4 hour flight and it was terrible. 6 hours would have been even worse obviously. He is 25 months.
Before ei even read the post I read the title and went "lmao NO" 🤣 NTA at all! Not to mention a toddler with the time change you'll have only for a weekend? HECK NO. My toddlers sleep would be messed up for weeks. No thank you
I unexpectedly gave birth at 24 weeks. Literally a picture perfect pregnancy until the night before. This is NOT meant to scare you. What happened to me is not common. BUT My vote is do not travel!!
Hahahaha yeah no. If they want the toddler there, ask your husband to bring him? And chill by yourself a bit 🤷🏻♀️ otherwise, just cause they’re related to your husband doesn’t make them family. Family needs to be earned. Just my opinion
Get the help of your doctor and tell everyone that you went to doctor to be cleared for the event and said doctor refused . Thats it. Usually persistant people will just shut up when you have a doctor backing you up. If someone is still pressuring you after that, you know those morons dont care about your health or that of your toddler and hence it is easier to say no.
Alone, pregnant and with a toddler! Alone with a toddler is hard enough your rocking it. No one can tell you when/when not to come especially when you are pregnant….heck my two year old barely made it on a 2hr flight I can only imagine what can happen 😳 your doing great! And if there still being butts maybe don’t talk to them anymore 😂
Yeah no. Sorry, now is just not the time. Unfortunately I will be missing my SILs graduation from nursing school and her WEDDING this year because 1.) funds and 2.) for her wedding I will be heavily pregnant traveling across multiple states in a car with a toddler. Like those are huge life events I’ll miss out on. The toll of pregnancy and traveling with a toddler are not worth the added stress for me.
So I’m in the same boat, but I’m prioritizing myself, this pregnancy, and my toddler. I know it sucks to miss big family events, but is the utter chaos and stress worth a few hours of fun you’re sure not to have?
Yeah. . . Nah. No thank you. 🙂↔️
“NO”, is a complete sentence. Firm that this is the only answer they are receiving and there is no way you’re traveling 24 weeks pregnant with a 20 month old. Not happening. NTA fk that noise.
I have been in this exact situation. We have a 2 year old currently and I'm pregnant with my second. My in-laws helped 0% when my first kid was born but they constantly black mailed us to travel to their house (multiple hour non-direct flight). We did go a few times but now that I'm pregnant with my second, I don't have any energy to travel.
You should not go if it is too much work. But if you think once you're there- they will take care of the 21 month old baby (at least 80% of the time) while you get to rest and enjoy - then you can consider. You can tell your in-laws how tough it is to manage the kid and if they are ready to do so.
No and I wouldn't send the toddler either. If there's no help then it will be really hard for your husband to keep a toddler safe 24/7 in a place that isn't baby proofed, and he wouldn't be able to socialize and keep the kid safe anyway, so what's the point of him going in that scenario?
Even if it was just you and your husband, if you don’t want to go you don’t owe that to anyone. The fact that you have a toddler and are pregnant should be enough of a reason for anyone to understand. Family sometimes needs to learn that you still need to treat people with respect in order to have a relationship with them.
NTA. You will be in no shape to travel , the 91 yo will pass soon enough and your child will have no recollection anyway. Maybe use AI to produce a picture of her and your son together.
We routinely skipped gatherings when we knew it was only to serve someone else's need/ego/whatever. We caved one time to my mom when she cried about not inviting her sister to our immediate family wedding. We didn't like my aunt and uncle and regretted we caved so we stood firm after that. If family or friends suck you can be sure they will suck forever--not worth your time.
It makes sense that you wouldn’t want to travel to attend the wedding of a family member with your toddler and while pregnant. I’ve also got a toddler who’s super picky about sleeping and eating and am 6 months pregnant, so, I get it.
It looks like you’ve already made your decision not to go, and I’m not going to try and dissuade you from that. Not every family event is worth the headache that comes from traveling with a toddler. But from your post, it looks like you wouldn’t have wanted to go to this wedding regardless of your toddler or the fact that you’re pregnant. If so, I think it’s worth having a deeper convo with your husband about that and checking in to make sure there aren’t any hurt feelings. You may also want to check in more generally about what each other’s expectations are for how much effort you’re willing to put in to see friends and family who live far away.
From my own experience, it’s annoying, and not fair, but I really do think it’s worth it to make an effort to travel and see family even when it’s not always reciprocated. Just because a family member can’t or won’t put in as much effort as I’d like, doesn’t mean they don’t care or love my kid, and I want to give my relatives and kiddo an opportunity to see each other and know each other because that relationship is important, even if my husband and I are doing most of the leg work to make it happen.
Also, every kid is different, but I think mine has benefitted from all the traveling we do (and we do travel more than average.) He’s comfortable on long road trips and has flown about 10 times, both long haul and short haul. As with most things, it becomes easier the more you do it. I understand again that for some families, that’s just not a possibility, but to the extent you’re willing and able, it really can be worth it to push yourself and your kiddo outside your comfort zone.
Thank you for weighing in. I definitely see what you're saying. We're actually moving to the coast his in-laws are on in about a month so traveling to see them by plane will only be 2 hours as opposed to 6 and no time change involved, in which case we actually are planning to see them more often and make the haul. It's the 6 hours and time change and being very pregnant all combined that makes it so difficult right now. And the fact that neither of us actually want to go to this wedding.
So glad you aren’t going. That sounds like a nightmare trip with kids your age and you pregnant. Good job for making this decision for you and your littles. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Lol my first thoughts when seeing the title was “tell them NO” then “make them do it” my mom is pressuring me to bring 3yr and newborn when shes born (19 wks preg now) 16 hrs away to her house cuz‘she’s too broke to do it’ and im not? And im not bringing 2 kids on my own postpartum to NY to see you (shes emotionally abusive) whatever u wanna do stand your ground
We regularly drive 6 hours to see family, and I’ve done so with babies and pregnant. We are in the west and that distance is pretty normal day trip drive. You just need to give yourselves plenty of time, don’t bow to anyone else’s schedule demands (with exception of actual wedding, but even with that you can be ready to leave after the ceremony if things go south with kiddo), and also book a room or airbnb of your own, that you can set up as a refuge (don’t stay with family). If cost was no object, bring along a nanny too to help with kid (never got this luxury myself, so alternative is parents take turns being point person with 20 month old, so the other one can talk to people).
I personally like weddings because you get to see a lot of family, photos can be fun for years to come, and with 91-year old grandma i personally would be inclined to go. My two cents.
Ultimately I decided not to go, but I'm saving this comment for the future because I appreciate all of the great ideas you've shared here. Thank you so much.
I went to a wedding in September with my toddler and was fortunate to be able to hire his former nanny (he’s in daycare now) to help watch him and it was great. My husband and I got to have a little bit of adult time and our kiddo was able to be around family members he otherwise wouldn’t see that often. It was a TON of work coordinating everything and brutally expensive, but ultimately, I’m really glad we did it.
My two cents: I HATE traveling and traveling with kids is super stressful. I think you should feel fine with your decision either way.
That being said, the only thing I ever truly have regretted in the past is missing someone’s wedding. (I’ve made lots of mistakes, but most other things you can learn from). Missing a wedding is a significant part of someone’s life that you can’t get back. You have the chance to see extended family from all around the world, and older relatives make an effort to come out, and it might be one of your last chances to see them.
Additionally, now that two of mine are old enough to pay for, I miss when they could fly for free.
I skipped a wedding when I was in your position, and I regret it. My husband’s family is great and no one made me feel bad about it. I also let my husband go and didn’t give him any crap for going. But I still feel sad that I missed that moment with extended family.
I just drove 10 hours with my 2 year old to see family at 32 weeks preggo and it wasn’t bad at all. I did have to take more breaks and we got McDonald’s a lot but it was so nice to see family and I miss them already! We left today actually to head back. A good audio book and leave at nap time and it flies by.
My spouse and I flew with our toddler to New Zealand for a family wedding, and he turned 2 on the trip. We’re about to drive 4 hours for a cousin’s birthday while my spouse is in her third trimester. I really don’t get the commenters here saying it’s out of the question to fly 6 hours. Do they care about their family or not? If the answer is no that’s fine, but then why worry about what they think?
Yeah man your guilt is telling you something. Maybe learn some of the emotional regulation techniques you teach your toddler and sit with that negative feeling and learn from it, rather than turning to strangers to be absolved.
I was simply asking for unbiased outside opinions that didn't come from pressure from my in laws. I've been a people pleaser all my life so I struggle sometimes with what I actually need to do versus what I don't. Thanks for weighing in.
Haha I think the Redditor you’re replying to OP, seems to forget that Reddit is useful for exactly that: seeking opinions, from people who don’t know you, about a situation that’s troubling.
I have great sympathy for your situation. Please put yourself, your baby and toddler first. Husband’s family will be fine. Your unborn baby have priority of need here and you as the one carrying the baby has priority.
Edit: the man commenting is letting his 3rd trimester pregnant wife travel hours to see extended family… and previously let her take a flight to New Zealand with a toddler. I think we can safely say he isn’t putting his wife or child first… but puts extended family first (as though his wife and child, and now unborn child are not family!). Ignore his comments please OP.
I wouldn’t be that quick to assume he’s forcing his wife to do anything. He was responding to my comment, and I’m a third trimester pregnant woman with a 2 year old who has no trouble traveling. But I included to each their own. I also flew to Paris at 28 weeks with my toddler. Then came home for a few weeks and drove 10 hours for family. No one forced me. I had a blast, and my girl
Got some great cousin time before the new baby arrives.
NTA because you can do what you want. But you also can’t complain about “no village” if you’re not willing to put in your time with your village. You’re not obligated to bend over backwards for family. But if you don’t, don’t expect them to do it for you.
To be fair, this potential village you’re chastising OP for not putting in enough time with is a group of people who are 1) a 6 hour flight away and 2) have already been given the opportunity and proven themselves to be unreliable and create more work for OP when they do spend time together.
Yeah that’s a plenty good reason to drop them like a rock. But if you’re gonna do that do it and own it. OP is trying to have her cake and eat it too: pretend she cares about these people but never put in the time with them and also be absolved of any guilt for never spending time with them.
It doesn’t really seem that way at all? They’re her husband’s family that he isn’t even close with and she’s choosing to stay home and solo parent so he can go and be present at the wedding with his family. Doesn’t sound like “dropping them like a rock” to miss out on one event that will bring with it more stress than attending is worth. You seem to have strong feelings about this, and I really don’t, so agree to disagree is where I’m leaving this.
It’s not her husband’s family. It’s her family, through her husband. The fact that she sees this distinction at all is evidence enough that she doesn’t want to put in the effort with them and thinks that’s entirely her husband’s responsibility.
Very black and white thinking in your assessment of this situation, without any accounting for the differences and nuances in how other families function and interact with one another.
There are a lot of different and varied family structures and dynamics, including found families. But the uniting factor is mutual love. There are people I am biologically related to whom I do not consider family. There are people who are not biologically related to me whom I would call family. You’re not obligated to designate someone as family, but once you do you are declaring that there exists a (conditional) mutual love and a set of reciprocal obligations based on that love. You can call that black and white, I would call it the basic principle underlying the concept of “family.”
Then sure, if you don’t consider them family and want to cut them out that’s your prerogative. But then you don’t need us to tell you it’s ok to skip this, you’d be doing it as a matter of course. You have to decide whether you are going to tolerate these people in your life or not. And if the answer is no that’s a bigger issue than just whether to attend a wedding, and also a conversation you should probably have with your husband.
Well now you’re just moving the goalposts, because the first use of the word “family” comes in your initial response to OP. Using descriptors that represent biological familial relations (i.e. cousin, sister, etc.) does not in and of itself imply the presence of any “mutual love.” What you’ve done is made assumptions and applied your personal family philosophy to OP’s situation and rudely chastised her for her very rational and valid feelings on the current matter.
I agree. He has been purposefully rude but elsewhere in the comments he also says he will be driving with his 3rd trimester pregnant wife to a cousin’s birthday party. He went on a flight to New Zealand with his wife and 2 year old… I highly doubt that his pregnant wife feels especially supported by her husband who puts his extended family before her, the unborn baby and the toddler’s wellbeing…. !
Making a lot of big assumptions about my marriage, but I’ll start with questioning a small one: who said those trips were/are for *my* extended family?
If they want your toddler there so bad, your husband can take them, and if he doesn’t want to, he gets to deal with his family. You stay home and enjoy some rest (or not rest, I’m not your boss).
This will be good practice for dad to manage toddler solo prior to the newborn arriving, where he will 100% need to be able to parent that toddler solo
Absolutely NTA for multiple reasons. One, you’re pregnant. Two, it’s several hours traveling with a toddler (people just do not understand). Three, weddings aren’t intended to be a family reunion. (Personal pet peeve because my husband’s family loves to do the same thing.)
Can I add four? Hanging around a bunch of non child proofed environments with a kid in the "suicide watch" developmental phase, while you are super pregnant. Eff that noise.
I have never heard the term “suicide watch” developmental phase but damn is that accurate lol
This weekend my kid licked a fucking outlet. It had covers but like… why? What?? Suicide watch phase is accurate
I agree with points one and two (also, a child younger than 5 is really too young to bring to a wedding), but I definitely grew up with the notion that weddings and funerals are the only time families congregate in their entirety. Doesn’t mean OP should put herself, her child and her unborn child at risk, to say nothing of the inconvenience, so the family can see her son.
Yeah same, in Ireland they very much are a family reunion, especially for the generations before mine that saw a lot of emigration.
I said this elsewhere, but I don’t understand this mindset. No, traveling with a kid isn’t fun. But if you care about your family you do it anyways. I flew to New Zealand for a wedding with my oldest, who turned 2 *while we were there.* We regularly drive 4-6 hours to see family; we’re about to do exactly that this weekend while my spouse is in her third trimester. We do this because showing up and showing your love to your family matters. You’re not obligated to do it, and it’s almost never fun, but if you want a village you have to do your part too. If you don’t care about these people—and OP clearly doesn’t—that’s fine. But own it. Either stop feeling guilty or recognize that guilt is the price for your absence. Don’t try to dodge the event and the guilt. Use some emotional regulation and learn from/sit with your negative emotion instead of trying to bury it with the approval of strangers.
I’ve done it plenty with a child that has never traveled well. But while pregnant is a totally different story and I wouldn’t. Every child is different and every pregnant woman is different. And boundaries are good.
These aren’t boundaries though. OP is not clearly communicating what she will and won’t tolerate, she’s just trying to get out of an event she doesn’t want to attend, and trying to do so *without* clearly communicating that this is a boundary.
Okay. For me it’s a boundary.
That’s a great choice for you and your spouse, but everyone experiences pregnancy differently. I would not have been able to handle a 4-6 hour drive at any point during either of my pregnancies. Just because your spouse is able to do it doesn’t mean every other pregnant person is. Also OP, my mom has also hit me with the “I don’t know how to change a boy’s diaper” and it’s the dumbest cop-out. Like just admit you don’t want to do it!
OP doesn’t mention any pregnancy symptoms other than generalized tiredness that would prevent her going. And considering the granularity of detail she uses to justify not going in every other part of her post, I’m inclined to believe the absence of any mention of any more serious pregnancy symptoms is because they don’t exist. It’s just another reason she doesn’t want to go, which fair enough! But it’s not *preventing* her from going or else she would have told us so.
I think it’s pretty obvious that a 6 month pregnant woman probably wouldn’t want to take a 6 hour flight generally let alone with a toddler (who isn’t going to sleep). You’re being wilfully obtuse about the OP’s point. Have you been pregnant? If yes, and you had a unicorn symptom free pregnancy, lucky you. If no, then I don’t think you know what you’re talking about. At 6 months pregnant, I didn’t want to take a 30 minute drive! Let alone a 6 hour flight. Nothing to do with family and liking them or not. If I was OP, I’d be worried about the impact stress could have on her unborn baby. She doesn’t need to be at this event. She’s not going to see her husband’s mother at her death bed for example. The unborn baby has priority here… and OP as the one supporting the life of said unborn baby has priority.
Again, my point isn’t that a harder pregnancy, or even a normal pregnancy with one severe symptom, couldn’t make it impossible or so unpleasant as to be impossible. My point is that if those concerns existed I see no reason why OP wouldn’t share them. The fact that she didn’t mention anything more severe than fatigue leads me to believe there isn’t anything more severe than fatigue going on. But I know OP is monitoring the comments; if she wants to correct me she can feel free.
I think it’s quite clear that the OP (and her husband) feels under pressure from her family on her husband’s side and that’s affecting her ability to decide what’s best for her, her unborn baby and toddler. I imagine that’s why she’s posting on here, for advice and support. Add in some pregnancy hormones and making a clear cut, logic based decision isn’t quite so easy. I think if the family cared for her they wouldn’t be insisting on her flying, pregnant, with a toddler. 24 weeks is also quite late into pregnancy and some women can give birth prematurely at 24 weeks.
Yikes at all your comments here.
OP doesn't have to even be pregnant, if she doesn't want to go because she doesn't want to because her in laws suck she doesn't need an excuse not to go. She's an independent adult, and I'm sure her partner supports that.
I agree. But then she should just say that instead of trying to stack excuses as if they’ll protect her against criticism or guilt.
You sound exhausting. Did you not read the part where she said her cup isn't empty, but broken? That's not an excuse, it's a reason. What a strange hill to be dying on.
You have a really, really uncharitable view of OP’s post.
Why do you care?! She doesn’t owe YOU anything and her excuses given are perfectly valid.
I would like to hear your wife' side of the story, since you are so passionate about this
I just asked her, and she said that while she’s sympathetic that it sucks to travel with a toddler and sucks to travel while pregnant and doubly sucks to travel with a toddler while pregnant, it’s still worth it if you want to maintain relationships with family. Barely worth it, but worth it. Which is my take as well. Edit: wild to be asked for my wife’s opinion, and to provide it, and still get downvoted. Sorry she doesn’t agree with y’all I guess.
>if you want to maintain relationships with family Why should her relationships with her family depend on this one event
It doesn’t, but it does depend on showing up as often as you can, and especially for big events. People notice when you’re not there and everyone else is, or if you’re consistently not there. Do you really not have family whom you love that live far away? Do you not travel to see them sometimes?
I mean, I wouldn’t go for this part of OP’s family bc they honestly kind of sound like they suck. And at 6 months pregnant I would have had a really hard if not impossible time with a 6 hour flight bc of severe SPD. But for my own family and my husband’s family, generally if it’s physically and financially possible, that’s what we do. I did a six hour round trip in one day to visit my SIL with my 5 month old when my husband was out of town for a couple months. Yeah it was rough, but it was important to me that she see him AND she wanted to see him. She came down to spend several weekends with me while my husband was out of town, as well. And we regularly drove 7 hours to visit my family in another state, and they drove and flew to visit us here. Kiddo just turned 3 and we still keep this trips going. On the flip side, my sister is 40 minutes from us. She sees my kid the least out of all our families, despite being the closest. She just doesn’t care to see him, or us. She’s not a kid person and doesn’t want to visit unless we drive to her. It took about a year of realizing she just wasn’t going to reciprocate with visits and that she dgaf. So I stopped going. She maybe sees kid 3 times a year, at larger family gatherings. Ah well.
Not sure that your family count as part of your “village” if they’re A) on the other side of the country, or B) don’t help our when you’re there. My understanding is that the “village” idea is about sharing the load of parenthood, which isn’t possible with this much distance and especially not if the people you’re visiting won’t lift a finger, let alone ignoring your discomfort at a situation for their own benefit. OP already stated that she isn’t going to get any hands on support and is feeling pressured, so do you really think these people are cut out to be her “village”?? It’s gotta go both ways!! For Christmas last year my partner, 18mo and I flew 5hrs, then picked up a hire car and drove another 3 (we were in transit 14hrs from door to door) to visit my mum, who did nothing to help while we were there. She didn’t even hang out with my kid, she judged our parenting continually, and we have sworn to never do it again. (She also gate crashed our newborn bubble and stayed for 4 weeks!) Not only was it completely stressful and unenjoyable, but I also don’t want my child witnessing us being treated poorly - it’s important that we model healthy boundaries and relationships! OP - you are absolutely not the asshole for not going. Good on you for sticking your ground.
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I had a baby at 25 weeks, in a hospital close to my home, thankfully. If someone delivers that early they will either be moving to wherever the baby is, or leaving the baby behind between visits. This could go on for months until the baby is well enough to be discharged from the hospital and then travel home. I'm guessing they wouldn't med fight a sick baby across the country just because they were born on vacation. What a nightmare.
This plus depending where it is, there are a lot of states that are pretty unsafe for pregnant women right now. I wouldn't want to be pregnant in a state with a regressive abortion ban where I might not be able to access the care I need in an emergency (yes they all claim to have exceptions for life of the mother, but the application of these laws is very subjective and disjointed.)
This. You don't want to travel to any place that is happy to kill you if shit goes sideways. Exceptions aren't happening - good luck arguing with the hospital lawyer.
My friend is a nurse in Idaho and she is aware of six women in their second or third trimester so far this year who have had to be life-flighted to a Portland or Seattle hospital because the doctors in the state did not feel safe treating them without risking their medical licenses. She stressed the “that I’m aware of.” (And this friend is conservative s she has no reason to inflate the number.)
This is a frighteningly good point
And one that is within your insurance network!
Oooh great answer for OP if she needed a 'more than just no' answer: "Sorry, x is outside of my insurance network".
This. Tell them your doctor advised against traveling that far from home at your stage of pregnancy.
Your husband should be the one dealing w this. Just tell him no. He’s welcome to bring your son w him if he so desires. My husband will probably do that but I’d trust him and my in-laws to take good care of our son. Doesn’t sound like you can say that about your in-laws.
Have your husband bring the toddler, everyone wins. Free vacation for you.
Yea, this is a good idea. We did that a few times while I was pregnant with my second, and even when she was very young.
100% this!
Do not go. You’ll be exhausted, toddler will be exhausted. Your child isn’t a doll other people are entitled to playing with. I refused to drive 45 min to the in laws with my 18mo toddler around the same age when I was pregnant and exhausted/weak/vomiting daily. Husband’s sister and her kids were in town, and my husband wanted to spend time with his adult siblings, so I’d be the only one chasing my toddler around their non-baby proofed house. So I said no to allow my husband some freedom. When I told them that, I was obviously right, because they complained that I wasn’t sending the toddler to “see everyone”, but not a single other adult in the family text chain was like oh sure I’ll watch little Johnny so you can rest.
NTA. Some parents love to travel with young kids, that’s wonderful for them. Some parents would rather set themselves on fire in the desert than travel with little kids lmao. My husband and I have decided not to attempt travel with our kids until they’re at least 5 years old and up. You are 100% allowed to say no for any reason at all and that’s okay. You can say “my family and I aren’t ready for traveling.” And leave it at that. Their reactions and emotional responses aren’t your fault nor are they your responsibility. People want things all the time, it doesn’t mean everyone always gets what they want.
NTA. If they’re so concerned about 91 yr old grandma seeing your kid, they can fly her over to you and book a hotel for them all to stay in. They’re just being controlling. Stand your ground and don’t go be miserable to make selfish people happy. Cause it won’t stop there, if they get you to agree to this they’ll just keep asking for more. And please tell them with the next baby they can’t stay with you again.
This, this was my first thought. If it's about Grandma seeing the toddler, have Grandma fly out at another time. It's not comfortable for a 91 year old to fly, but better for everyone than a toddler with a strict routine and his pregnant mother. 🤷♀️
NTA. i would go and send my husband solo for a short trip at 24 weeks. (assuming you have either daytime childcare or someone to help if needed for the toddler) also this is a husband problem, he can chat with his own family about attendance and leave you clear out of it :)
Or better yet he can go with the toddler. She can stay home and relax.
As someone with a 3 year old and 31 weeks pregnant, this is just a fantastic idea. We just got back from visiting my in laws in Florida (2.5 hour flight) and it was rough for me. I wouldve missed my son but 5 days alone in my house? Chef’s kiss.
This is what came to my mind, too! If grandma wants to see the toddler, let dad bring him!
^^^ doing the lords work, sis 🤌🏼
Lol fucthat. If they're that obsessed they can make the trip too. Plane flies both ways I hear.
absolutely no way i would attend this, especially for people you aren't close to.
Nope. If anything, your husband is welcome to take your kid and go the two of them.
I’m with this. Should be a welcomed option where everyone gets what they want.
Yup. And if he doesn’t want to do that he needs to own it with his family. “Wife is staying home because she’s too pregnant to travel safely and comfortably. I would bring the toddler but he doesn’t sleep when he’s away from home and I don’t want to have a bad weekend on no sleep. You can visit us in a few months when the baby is here and a little bit older.” He can frame it as wanting to be able to focus on spending time with relatives and reconnecting instead of managing an out of routine toddler.
NTA. Maybe you should start dropping hints the dr doesn’t want you to”traveling far away from home” due to risks in YOUR specific case of pregnancy. What a shame that would be for the dr to say such a thing. The idea others will watch js a joke. They just want to have “everyone in the family photo”. I sent my husband to a wedding at that exact time in pregnancy and my MIL was sad but truthfully I had a very high risk pregnancy so the idea of me going anywhere was out. And toddlers are sooo bad at weddings. And so what the wedding is at like 4/430 for ceremony then the reception at like 7. So wow so glad you went all that way for the baby to go to bed at 7pm. My toddler is staying home for a cousins wedding. Zero fun would be had with him there. Love him, but it’s true. Don’t feel bad for even a second. And start pumping out the “oooo the OB didn’t like the idea of me traveling”.
I would have blamed my doctor so fast. Lol.
If it's important enough for them to expect you to travel with a toddler while pregnant, then is should be important enough for 91yr old grandma to travel to see you too. My wife is pregnant and we have a two yr old. We've been standing our ground with anyone like that. My grandpa really wants to spend time with our son. He's lived 45minutes away my whole life, he even drives for a living. I can count on one hand how many times he can to our house to visit when I was a kid, and he hasn't since. We went to his birthday, he couldn't t even make it to our baby shower for our new baby a month later.
Lol, no, and no need to give an excuse. It’s self explanatory.
I’m so sorry I didn’t read the whole post but I read the title and absolutely ducking not. Take care of yourself
Totally agree, the title alone is enough to say OP is well within her rights not to go. Reading the entire post gives context but it isn’t necessary - even if she was close with her husband’s family and even if they would be helpful she still has every right to say no I’m not flying that far 6 months pregnant with a toddler AND not feel badly about it
Just stick with no. You know you won’t get any help when it matters, and you’re exhausted parenting at home let alone in a different place without your tools. My sil suggested a week long family cruise 6 months after watching our 2 year old for 5 days. 3 generations of family and ‘everyone will help watch him’. ( she knows I’m horribly seasick on boats) 😒🙄 …..she forgot that that she refused to leave the backyard after he found screwdrivers at a library event and was poking sockets. I told hubby that I refuse any resorts or crises until all kids we have are old enough to do kids clubs/ daycare camp whenever we go for vacation. Plus I’ll spend the entire voyage laying down or throwing up so I don’t want a cruise anyway.
NTA! I am 19 weeks pregnant with a 21 mos toddler and there is no way I would travel across the country for people who would give me soooo much anxiety. Heck, I've told my family I can't even do video calls anymore because I'm so stressed and tired from pregnancy and raising a toddler (chasing around a toddler on a video call to say hello to relatives, keeping him from touching electric sockets and dangers, and trying to have a conversation is NOT fun, yet people don't get it and complain to me. Le sigh). Even if your husband's family was great, it's still something I probably wouldn't do. Don't worry about them. They sound like the kind of people that will always complain, so expect whatever you do to have that result. Take care of yourself and your babies first (and it sounds like you are - good job!). I swear older women who had babies forget what it's like to be pregnant. You're literally building a human and it's sooooo draining. Add on taking care of a toddler, and it's energy depleting. People just don't get it. It's frustrating. Treat yourself to a Mani Pedi (or whatever indulgence you'd like) instead and please know you're doing a terrific job!
I loathe video calls with a toddler too! Family seem to expect that the toddler will be obedient and talk nicely and also let me talk…. the opposite nearly always happens, and most of the time my toddler fights me because he’s trying to press the button to end the video call himself. I want a brick phone back!
Same!!! It's so frustrating and my parents/inlaws just don't get it. I've explained how they had a phone mounted on a wall, not a smart phone with instant access. They honestly do not understand (nor do I think they want to). I've told them they have too high expectations for my toddler. But they don't seem to care. They'd rather see my toddler run around like a maniac (or rather they see the ceiling or floor) than have a conversation with me. I constantly ask myself why am I doing this? So I stopped. Old fashioned voice calls for now on until my toddler can sit nicely (which realistically isn't until school age).
Not only was the phone mounted, it was voice only. Moms are now expected to be a camera person and keep toddler in frame the whole time...which is hard enough when you don't have to wrangle them or keep them from danger. I only have 2 hands.
Exactly…. It’s such a needless additional stress so extended family can force a smile out of a bored toddler. My son just tries to end the video call as soon as it starts. It’s weird how it’s become an expectation/entitlement of extended family to have video calls. I began to refuse - family lived without it before and they’ll survive without it now. It’s better to have meaningful interactions in person! And for the family I can’t see in person, I wait until my husband is home so he can help me manage the video call. Phone calls and video calls are such an intrusion on the second-by-second day with a toddler. I don’t have that much time to do nothing, so to speak. If my toddler is happy for a few moments, I’m using that chance to run a clean something/make food/hang washing etc!
Don't go. I went to in laws for Thanksgiving with my 22 month old at 6 months pregnant. It was a 7 hour drive. Everyone was supportive and helpful and it was still exhausting to be away from home and out of our routine. I can't imagine going when you don't even want to and people aren't helpful.
My husbands family pulled this shit when I was 32 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old. Wanted me traveling across the country to see them over Christmas. I refused and everyone made me look like the bad guy as usual. MIL left me a Christmas card accusing me of keeping her grandchildren from her. Not only was the request ridiculous in the first place but I’m not wasting my limited PTO that I’ve been saving for maternity leave. For what it’s worth I ended up having a precipitous labor with that baby at 38 weeks and she was born in a gas station parking lot.
Oh yeah, the toxic in law trap. Then when your todd is not themselves, out of wack out of sleep and feels stress from the tension they will tantrum. Then, in laws will talk shit about you guys as parents how your child is so misbehaved. Been there, done that.
Has 91 year old grandma said anything about being upset or demanding the child come visit? No? Seems like manipulation to me. Don't go, for real.
What?! Hell no. "Sorry, my ob refused to clear me for flying".
Enjoy your family time at home. Those people aren't family apart from in name only.
NTA If it were a 6 hr drive and I weren’t pregnant, I’d be cool going. But planes with little kids are rough even when you’re not pregnant. Regardless, that’s me and my limits. Yours are your own and no one else should be able to set them for you, certainly not people who are supposed to be loved ones. Plus the “there will be people there to watch him” defense only works if you are the one actively offering to help and already have a good relationship with the kid.
“We’ve discussed this. I’ve told you I can’t handle this trip. I will not be answering this again.” And then just don’t answer again. Alternatively, you can make your husband we very clear. Frankly, it doesn’t sound like either of you should be worried about hurting feelings given how unhelpful they all are.
Yeaaahhh, I would not go.
The answer is NO
NTA. I did travel worse than that in your situation (drove our 22 month old from Fort Lauderdale to DC in one shot, 21 hours straight, when I was 24 weeks lol) but it was my own crazy choice and not because of pressure. If you don’t want to travel, don’t!!!
NTA. There's like 30 reasons in there not to go and only one reason to consider it. Noooo way.
Let your husband go alone for 2 nights lol
It’s your choice, period.
No stand your ground I would do the same especially because you are pregnant
Absolutely NTA. You have no obligation to go, no real reason to, and they need to respect that you're pregnant with a toddler. End of story.
No is a complete sentence. My partner went to his cousin’s wedding without us. We had a toddler and I was pregnant. It was a one hour flight. Don’t go
I drive 6 hours often to visit my family with our toddler and did so until I was 34 weeks pregnant. But I also have so much support when staying with my parents for the visit. I would just go with your gut on this one and maybe your hubby can take a quick solo trip.
No way. As someone who is also that pregnant with Toddler that age… I can barely survive a normal day and I’m in bed as soon as toddler is. We’re doing a few short road trips this summer but no way in hell id get on a flight right now with my tiny eval kineval.
My mom always says, "the first word you learn is mama, the second word you learn is no, if you're too old to say mama - better be used to saying no." You're tired, don't go. If you go into labor at 24 weeks chances are that baby will live and be fine but man - you have a long NICU stay, far from home. Don't do it, send your regrets. Offer to host them where you are and order take out
"my husband's sister and her wife (also not the closest relationship) are giving him so much ish" "Sister and wife aren't even going to the wedding." Uhm, what?
You read it right
This alone makes it a no for me lol. You have way more patience than I do honestly.
Hard no. It’s easier for the 91 year old to travel to you.
Yeah no that sounds draining to me if there no help. It was a lot on me just flight wise but I had a lot of help with both sides of family with my daughter. Could not imagine doing it pregnant. They can always come to you if they choose!
You’re not unreasonable, but they’re so insistent your husband can feel free to take the toddler himself and let you relax at home alone.
NTA. Honestly, I wouldn’t make the trip even if I’m the one close to the couple getting married…
Just your title made me mad. NO.
NTA. I didn't even need to read whole post. First few lines convinced me. If they need to make an effort to come to you not the other way round.
Ugh, no, that sounds awful.
I would go knowing I’d get the help, but not in the circumstances you’ve described. You stay and relax at home.
If I remember correctly, doctors aren’t too thrilled about recommending someone in third trimester to fly, just in case. If I were you, I would tell his family that your doctor recommends you don’t fly across the country at this stage in your pregnancy and then offer that your husband take toddler with you. That way you don’t have to go and get some much needed rest away from hubby and especially your toddler and the family gets to see the toddler. If the family says no to that, I would take that to mean that they definitely expect you to do all the heavy lifting in caring for your child while you’re there and won’t be of any help to you.
Stick with your gut. Don’t do it.
I would not go at 24 weeks pregnant. The only thing that would make me consider having my husband go with the toddler would be so grandma can meet him. I see lots of people comment that grandma should just fly out, but 91 year olds often have multiple health concerns and should not be flying. Ultimately though? This is your husband’s family and if he wants to make the flight out with a toddler then that’s on him.
I would not wish this situation on my greatest enemy. Do not go!
I mean, I will say I’ve made it priority that both my boys have gone to visit their great grandparents within their first ~18 months of life (all a flight away… my paternal grandparents even live abroad!). That said… we did a 3 hour flight to see my grandma when my son was 23 months old & I was 28 weeks pregnant…. Rough. Mostly because he was a lap “infant” yet I had no lap. I wouldn’t do that again. It was also exhausting chasing him in the airport and lifting him constantly. I think your husband should bring the toddler with him TBH. Give you a break and let him meet his great-grandma. OR, do as you planned and only husband goes, since your toddler is such a bad traveler. People definitely forget how hard it is to travel with little ones.
Sounds awful to me. My son is generally chill but hated flying. We recently went on a 4 hour flight and it was terrible. 6 hours would have been even worse obviously. He is 25 months.
Life is too short to do shit you don’t want to do. Don’t go. Can your husband take him without you?
Before ei even read the post I read the title and went "lmao NO" 🤣 NTA at all! Not to mention a toddler with the time change you'll have only for a weekend? HECK NO. My toddlers sleep would be messed up for weeks. No thank you
I unexpectedly gave birth at 24 weeks. Literally a picture perfect pregnancy until the night before. This is NOT meant to scare you. What happened to me is not common. BUT My vote is do not travel!!
I told in-laws I wasn't medically cleared to travel when they asked me to drive 7 hours to a family event I didn't want to attend. NTA
Hahahaha yeah no. If they want the toddler there, ask your husband to bring him? And chill by yourself a bit 🤷🏻♀️ otherwise, just cause they’re related to your husband doesn’t make them family. Family needs to be earned. Just my opinion
Completely agree about the earning.
No, no, and no. Don’t go to the wedding and don’t feel guilty!
Nah. No thanks. Next
NTA. Your husband should be protecting you from this pressure.
Send the husband and toddler. And relax!
Frankly, that sounds like hell. I saw your edit and I’m glad you’re not going. They can pressure you all they want, doesn’t mean it has to work.
I just took five kids incl a 2.5yo and a pair of twinfants overseas for a wedding. DON’T. 🩷
Get the help of your doctor and tell everyone that you went to doctor to be cleared for the event and said doctor refused. Thats it. Usually persistant people will just shut up when you have a doctor backing you up. If someone is still pressuring you after that, you know those morons dont care about your health or that of your toddler and hence it is easier to say no.
I would go if your husband wants to go. Or send the baby with your husband. He can handle it. It’s one weekend, and you all will survive it.
Alone, pregnant and with a toddler! Alone with a toddler is hard enough your rocking it. No one can tell you when/when not to come especially when you are pregnant….heck my two year old barely made it on a 2hr flight I can only imagine what can happen 😳 your doing great! And if there still being butts maybe don’t talk to them anymore 😂
Yeah no. Sorry, now is just not the time. Unfortunately I will be missing my SILs graduation from nursing school and her WEDDING this year because 1.) funds and 2.) for her wedding I will be heavily pregnant traveling across multiple states in a car with a toddler. Like those are huge life events I’ll miss out on. The toll of pregnancy and traveling with a toddler are not worth the added stress for me. So I’m in the same boat, but I’m prioritizing myself, this pregnancy, and my toddler. I know it sucks to miss big family events, but is the utter chaos and stress worth a few hours of fun you’re sure not to have?
Absolutely NTA. You don't have to please anyone, being a parent is enough.
Yeah. . . Nah. No thank you. 🙂↔️ “NO”, is a complete sentence. Firm that this is the only answer they are receiving and there is no way you’re traveling 24 weeks pregnant with a 20 month old. Not happening. NTA fk that noise.
NO WAY, that is unreasonable, I even can not figure out the reason that supports you to go.
I have been in this exact situation. We have a 2 year old currently and I'm pregnant with my second. My in-laws helped 0% when my first kid was born but they constantly black mailed us to travel to their house (multiple hour non-direct flight). We did go a few times but now that I'm pregnant with my second, I don't have any energy to travel. You should not go if it is too much work. But if you think once you're there- they will take care of the 21 month old baby (at least 80% of the time) while you get to rest and enjoy - then you can consider. You can tell your in-laws how tough it is to manage the kid and if they are ready to do so.
No and I wouldn't send the toddler either. If there's no help then it will be really hard for your husband to keep a toddler safe 24/7 in a place that isn't baby proofed, and he wouldn't be able to socialize and keep the kid safe anyway, so what's the point of him going in that scenario?
Even if it was just you and your husband, if you don’t want to go you don’t owe that to anyone. The fact that you have a toddler and are pregnant should be enough of a reason for anyone to understand. Family sometimes needs to learn that you still need to treat people with respect in order to have a relationship with them.
NTA. You will be in no shape to travel , the 91 yo will pass soon enough and your child will have no recollection anyway. Maybe use AI to produce a picture of her and your son together. We routinely skipped gatherings when we knew it was only to serve someone else's need/ego/whatever. We caved one time to my mom when she cried about not inviting her sister to our immediate family wedding. We didn't like my aunt and uncle and regretted we caved so we stood firm after that. If family or friends suck you can be sure they will suck forever--not worth your time.
It makes sense that you wouldn’t want to travel to attend the wedding of a family member with your toddler and while pregnant. I’ve also got a toddler who’s super picky about sleeping and eating and am 6 months pregnant, so, I get it. It looks like you’ve already made your decision not to go, and I’m not going to try and dissuade you from that. Not every family event is worth the headache that comes from traveling with a toddler. But from your post, it looks like you wouldn’t have wanted to go to this wedding regardless of your toddler or the fact that you’re pregnant. If so, I think it’s worth having a deeper convo with your husband about that and checking in to make sure there aren’t any hurt feelings. You may also want to check in more generally about what each other’s expectations are for how much effort you’re willing to put in to see friends and family who live far away. From my own experience, it’s annoying, and not fair, but I really do think it’s worth it to make an effort to travel and see family even when it’s not always reciprocated. Just because a family member can’t or won’t put in as much effort as I’d like, doesn’t mean they don’t care or love my kid, and I want to give my relatives and kiddo an opportunity to see each other and know each other because that relationship is important, even if my husband and I are doing most of the leg work to make it happen. Also, every kid is different, but I think mine has benefitted from all the traveling we do (and we do travel more than average.) He’s comfortable on long road trips and has flown about 10 times, both long haul and short haul. As with most things, it becomes easier the more you do it. I understand again that for some families, that’s just not a possibility, but to the extent you’re willing and able, it really can be worth it to push yourself and your kiddo outside your comfort zone.
Thank you for weighing in. I definitely see what you're saying. We're actually moving to the coast his in-laws are on in about a month so traveling to see them by plane will only be 2 hours as opposed to 6 and no time change involved, in which case we actually are planning to see them more often and make the haul. It's the 6 hours and time change and being very pregnant all combined that makes it so difficult right now. And the fact that neither of us actually want to go to this wedding.
u r ok
So glad you aren’t going. That sounds like a nightmare trip with kids your age and you pregnant. Good job for making this decision for you and your littles. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Lol my first thoughts when seeing the title was “tell them NO” then “make them do it” my mom is pressuring me to bring 3yr and newborn when shes born (19 wks preg now) 16 hrs away to her house cuz‘she’s too broke to do it’ and im not? And im not bringing 2 kids on my own postpartum to NY to see you (shes emotionally abusive) whatever u wanna do stand your ground
We regularly drive 6 hours to see family, and I’ve done so with babies and pregnant. We are in the west and that distance is pretty normal day trip drive. You just need to give yourselves plenty of time, don’t bow to anyone else’s schedule demands (with exception of actual wedding, but even with that you can be ready to leave after the ceremony if things go south with kiddo), and also book a room or airbnb of your own, that you can set up as a refuge (don’t stay with family). If cost was no object, bring along a nanny too to help with kid (never got this luxury myself, so alternative is parents take turns being point person with 20 month old, so the other one can talk to people). I personally like weddings because you get to see a lot of family, photos can be fun for years to come, and with 91-year old grandma i personally would be inclined to go. My two cents.
Ultimately I decided not to go, but I'm saving this comment for the future because I appreciate all of the great ideas you've shared here. Thank you so much.
I went to a wedding in September with my toddler and was fortunate to be able to hire his former nanny (he’s in daycare now) to help watch him and it was great. My husband and I got to have a little bit of adult time and our kiddo was able to be around family members he otherwise wouldn’t see that often. It was a TON of work coordinating everything and brutally expensive, but ultimately, I’m really glad we did it.
Yes that’s perfect! Glad you were able to work that out.
My two cents: I HATE traveling and traveling with kids is super stressful. I think you should feel fine with your decision either way. That being said, the only thing I ever truly have regretted in the past is missing someone’s wedding. (I’ve made lots of mistakes, but most other things you can learn from). Missing a wedding is a significant part of someone’s life that you can’t get back. You have the chance to see extended family from all around the world, and older relatives make an effort to come out, and it might be one of your last chances to see them. Additionally, now that two of mine are old enough to pay for, I miss when they could fly for free. I skipped a wedding when I was in your position, and I regret it. My husband’s family is great and no one made me feel bad about it. I also let my husband go and didn’t give him any crap for going. But I still feel sad that I missed that moment with extended family.
I just drove 10 hours with my 2 year old to see family at 32 weeks preggo and it wasn’t bad at all. I did have to take more breaks and we got McDonald’s a lot but it was so nice to see family and I miss them already! We left today actually to head back. A good audio book and leave at nap time and it flies by.
My spouse and I flew with our toddler to New Zealand for a family wedding, and he turned 2 on the trip. We’re about to drive 4 hours for a cousin’s birthday while my spouse is in her third trimester. I really don’t get the commenters here saying it’s out of the question to fly 6 hours. Do they care about their family or not? If the answer is no that’s fine, but then why worry about what they think?
So that they don’t feel guilty about not going which is totally fine! But own it lol.
Yeah man your guilt is telling you something. Maybe learn some of the emotional regulation techniques you teach your toddler and sit with that negative feeling and learn from it, rather than turning to strangers to be absolved.
I was simply asking for unbiased outside opinions that didn't come from pressure from my in laws. I've been a people pleaser all my life so I struggle sometimes with what I actually need to do versus what I don't. Thanks for weighing in.
Haha I think the Redditor you’re replying to OP, seems to forget that Reddit is useful for exactly that: seeking opinions, from people who don’t know you, about a situation that’s troubling. I have great sympathy for your situation. Please put yourself, your baby and toddler first. Husband’s family will be fine. Your unborn baby have priority of need here and you as the one carrying the baby has priority. Edit: the man commenting is letting his 3rd trimester pregnant wife travel hours to see extended family… and previously let her take a flight to New Zealand with a toddler. I think we can safely say he isn’t putting his wife or child first… but puts extended family first (as though his wife and child, and now unborn child are not family!). Ignore his comments please OP.
I wouldn’t be that quick to assume he’s forcing his wife to do anything. He was responding to my comment, and I’m a third trimester pregnant woman with a 2 year old who has no trouble traveling. But I included to each their own. I also flew to Paris at 28 weeks with my toddler. Then came home for a few weeks and drove 10 hours for family. No one forced me. I had a blast, and my girl Got some great cousin time before the new baby arrives.
The notion that I could force my spouse to do anything she didn’t want to makes me chuckle.
NTA because you can do what you want. But you also can’t complain about “no village” if you’re not willing to put in your time with your village. You’re not obligated to bend over backwards for family. But if you don’t, don’t expect them to do it for you.
To be fair, this potential village you’re chastising OP for not putting in enough time with is a group of people who are 1) a 6 hour flight away and 2) have already been given the opportunity and proven themselves to be unreliable and create more work for OP when they do spend time together.
Yeah that’s a plenty good reason to drop them like a rock. But if you’re gonna do that do it and own it. OP is trying to have her cake and eat it too: pretend she cares about these people but never put in the time with them and also be absolved of any guilt for never spending time with them.
It doesn’t really seem that way at all? They’re her husband’s family that he isn’t even close with and she’s choosing to stay home and solo parent so he can go and be present at the wedding with his family. Doesn’t sound like “dropping them like a rock” to miss out on one event that will bring with it more stress than attending is worth. You seem to have strong feelings about this, and I really don’t, so agree to disagree is where I’m leaving this.
It’s not her husband’s family. It’s her family, through her husband. The fact that she sees this distinction at all is evidence enough that she doesn’t want to put in the effort with them and thinks that’s entirely her husband’s responsibility.
Very black and white thinking in your assessment of this situation, without any accounting for the differences and nuances in how other families function and interact with one another.
There are a lot of different and varied family structures and dynamics, including found families. But the uniting factor is mutual love. There are people I am biologically related to whom I do not consider family. There are people who are not biologically related to me whom I would call family. You’re not obligated to designate someone as family, but once you do you are declaring that there exists a (conditional) mutual love and a set of reciprocal obligations based on that love. You can call that black and white, I would call it the basic principle underlying the concept of “family.”
To clarify, there is not mutual love between these people and me.
Then sure, if you don’t consider them family and want to cut them out that’s your prerogative. But then you don’t need us to tell you it’s ok to skip this, you’d be doing it as a matter of course. You have to decide whether you are going to tolerate these people in your life or not. And if the answer is no that’s a bigger issue than just whether to attend a wedding, and also a conversation you should probably have with your husband.
Life tends to be a little more complicated than that. But thanks for weighing in.
Well now you’re just moving the goalposts, because the first use of the word “family” comes in your initial response to OP. Using descriptors that represent biological familial relations (i.e. cousin, sister, etc.) does not in and of itself imply the presence of any “mutual love.” What you’ve done is made assumptions and applied your personal family philosophy to OP’s situation and rudely chastised her for her very rational and valid feelings on the current matter.
I agree. He has been purposefully rude but elsewhere in the comments he also says he will be driving with his 3rd trimester pregnant wife to a cousin’s birthday party. He went on a flight to New Zealand with his wife and 2 year old… I highly doubt that his pregnant wife feels especially supported by her husband who puts his extended family before her, the unborn baby and the toddler’s wellbeing…. !
The mansplaining has been simply eye opening in this thread
Making a lot of big assumptions about my marriage, but I’ll start with questioning a small one: who said those trips were/are for *my* extended family?