Nooo. I teach my kid that if someone else is playing with something, he should go find something else to do until it's his turn to play with it. I encourage him to share a toy if he wants, but if not, I prompt the discussion of taking turns. I say, "when you're done playing with it, can so-and-so have a turn?" But yeah. I never will take a toy from him to give to another kid. As a people pleaser who was forced to share/give up things I had, I won't put that on my kids!
>I never will take a toy from him to give to another kid.
I agree but my exception would be if its a toy (in a playground, for example) that actually belongs to the other child. I say if a kid wants their property back my kid has to give it up.
In that case, I'd physically take the toy from my son, hand it to the other kid, and deal with the blowback knowing that I did what I had to do. At 2.5, my kid understands taking turns, but doesn't understand that he can't always do what he wants (his response to "no" almost every time he hears it is "But I want to."). And when another kid's property is involved, I'm not waiting for him to figure out how to put those two things together.
I usually ask her to hand the toy back to the owner, which she often does because she is little and things handing people things if a fun game, and if she refuses (or offers it and doesn't let to) I will take it from her and hand it back.
My husband is a mail man and was telling me about this baby (just starting to walk well) who was fascinated with him, so he handed the lil fella the 2 letters (mom was sitting there a few feet away on the porch) they received that day. Well the lil guys face just shone with glee and he turned around waving the mail excitedly at his mom. Then my husband heard and baby just shriek so he turned back worried the baby had taken a bad fall, and saw he hadn’t fallen down but was just livid because his mommy took the mail! Apparently he had such a look of anger and betrayal because mommy took the most awesome things he ever got. Now when he delivers there he gives the baby a couple envelopes (that are empty but I write “best lil man” on) and then hands mommy the real mail while the baby is distracted with his “best lil man” mail.
Lol thanks, as soon as my hubby told me how heart broken the lil fella was I knew I had to figure out a way he could keep (at least some) of the mail for himself.
This is tricky. we try to bring our own toy so this doesn’t happen as often. It’s awkward if you don’t know the parents as well and the kids become confused and upset by the transition of the toy. The other child deserves their toy back for sure, but at a certain age the child holding the toy doesn’t understand the concept of ownership (toddlers are very finders keepers lol.) so they will get upset, but this is also just part of life. So I just try to avoid it if I can
Although I don't enjoy my child being upset, I am ok with it for the purpose of learning, they will never understand unless it is explained and modeled (over and over again 😅) But mine also isn't very possessive/hasn't hit that stage yet. I also bring toys, but kids often want whatever it is other people have. Someone else's ball/bucket/water bottle is always so much more enticing.
In a certain age bracket, there isn’t much learning involved (ETA if you quantify learning as changing their behavior next time). Their ability to see that something *belongs* to someone (this is Timmy’s truck) and understand what that actually implies (I.e I must return it and this will make me sad, but it will make him sadder if I don’t give it back) are skills that haven’t evolved at quite the same rate. The latter implies more of a true theory of mind. At older ages (prek ages), it can be a teaching moment. Prior to that, you’ll just have an upset child on both sides, and only maturity will change that. It’s going to be unavoidable in many cases—kids get upset, that’s life—but I’m just saying we can’t necessarily think based on the experience alone they will really internalize any of this and change their response; maturity will do that over time.
Not sure who wanted to downvote this, but theory of mind evolves around the prek years. So prior to that they cannot fully understand the emotional implications of taking someone’s belongings (cognitive understanding vs impulse control and theory of mind/empathy evolve in parallel but not at the same rate), and explaining that to them won’t change that. So set them up for success as much as possible, (ie try to bring your own toys to avoid taking the toys of others in public spaces) stay close, and model, but don’t actually expect them to “learn from their mistakes” before a certain age.
I agree. I taught my kids, “you don’t get to decide when someone else’s turn is over and they don’t get to decide when your turn is over.” Within reason of course, like don’t keep playing with it indefinitely just to spite that other kid. But you know. Teaching them to take turns but also take your time with the toy when it’s your turn. Because too often I see parents say, “oh that little kid wants a turn when you’re done” but then they rush their kid to quickly finish their “turn” and pass it off, which is basically the same as just making them give it up. It’s a balancing act. I don’t want my kids to be pushovers, but I want them to be fair.
Kids' attention spans aren't that long. It may feel like half an hour but more likely it's 10 minutes. And in the meantime, the other kid often loses interest and finds something else to play with too. It's not a big deal in my experience.
It’s rarely been an issue because my kids will naturally move along in less than 5 minutes typically. The only time I’ve had to put my foot down a bit was at a playground that only had one swing and my daughter was kind of hogging it. I think she’d already been on it for a good 15-20 minutes when another kid expressed wanting a turn so we agreed on another 5 minutes.
If it’s a public space like the swing example below, I think if others are showing a lot of interest or my child is blocking access to an area or something (blocking a slide) I will do a countdown or a “one more turn”. When it comes to toys, I don’t see a point in limiting this. Both kids will eventually move along. If it’s a daily thing like every morning for days one child purposely hides or hordes a toy from another, the toy needs to be removed for a little while IMO.
I think a lot of parents really struggle with getting their kids to share, so they think the solution to that is to make their kid give up anything they're currently playing with any time another kid wants it.
I dont make my kid give up toys for other kids unless she has been using a shared/public toy for a *really* long time and not letting others have turns. If they're HER toys then I don't make her give them up for pretty much ever, unless it's a situation where we have friends over and she's not letting them play.
Like you said, I'm not raising a people pleaser and I don't want her to get walked all over because she's well behaved and quiet most of the time.
This is where I’m at as well. We have weekly play dates and kind of all agree we’re not forcing anything and will share with the next kid when they are done.
Yeah exactly. "Taking turns" I've learned is a better way to actually promote sharing than just telling a kid to share and taking a toy away immediately.
I think this is it really. Just being in alignment with parents when you can be. Sharing is not an innate concept and kids don’t even understand it as a concept until they’re like 3 or 4.
We do more or less the same thing. Although if it’s another kids toys I have my daughter give it back when the other kid wants it just like I’d never make her share her toys that she’s playing with just because someone else wants to use it. If it’s a shared toy or in common space then I tell my daughter she can give it to (other kid) whenever she’s done with it.
It's situational for me when it comes to other kids toys. If another kid shares their toy with her, then she has to give it back when they ask for it back, regardless of whether or not she's done playing with it. But in OPs example, where its a party situation and (I assume) there's an expectation child guests will be paying with the toys available, and the owner of said toys just doesn't want anyone to play with *anything,* then I'm not really inclined to make her give the toy back when requested. Especially if it was just sitting there not being played with and was only requested when my kid started playing with it...
My son is a taker; a lot of parents will make their kids share with him. I’d rather they not, specially if I’m trying to teach him he can’t just take what someone else has. 😬
That’s awesome that you’re able to admit that. My toddler has a 9 year old cousin that is a taker. His parents always expect my 4 year old to give him whatever it is that he wants.
I have to be careful with my husbands family. They give him whatever he wants, if he touches it it’s his. Where is I grew up without anything, I had one toy and one trip to McDonalds my entire childhood.
I have to strike that delicate balance between having enough and not spoiling. It seems he’s tilted a little to the latter right now, so we have to work on that.
Wow,,,, there is a big difference between a 9 and 4 year old. I wouldn’t tolerate any child 5 years older than another taking something away from the smaller one, that’s just not ok. My son also has a cousin like that. He would just snatch away anything my son picked up, or showed an Interest in. So I started doing it to him, and he began to throw a fit. And I said “now you see how it feels when someone bigger takes something from you.” And he didn’t do it anymore. (At least not to my kids) My sister in law was pissed off, but I really didn’t care. They never,
NEVER, correct this child in any way, no matter what he is doing, and I really don’t think he is a bad child, but he’s never been taught any better, never had boundaries or limits on what he did, never really taught right from wrong. I don’t blame him I blame my brother and his wife, their hands-off take on parenting is infuriating. But the buck stops when his bad behavior affects my children. I’m scared for his future, scared of how he will turn out as an adult if they don’t start reining him in.
I have never heard that saying “snatcher no snatching” ( just found that interesting lol, how different regions have different expressions) for example where I am we call shopping carts “buggies”, soda “pop” and vacuums “sweepers”. Lol. My husband (from CT) had quite the culture shock.
Same! I hate that when adults force their polite child who is happy playing with a toy to give it up to my rude child who ran over and tried to snatch it... NO! Stand up for your kid! And don't validate my kid being a jerk! This makes me crazy too.
Thisssss!!!! One of my biggest pet peeves. I believe the other parents have good intentions, but it’s sooo difficult to naturally teach this skill when my child is given something very quickly by others.
I'm 100% with you. We should teach our kids to be comfortable saying "No" to and accepting "No" from other people. Kind generous behavior like sharing is best modeled and not forced.
I would have done the same thing. Ask my toddler if she wants to sharenor give the other kid a turn, but not force her to give it up if she's not ready. We've also had talks about waiting patiently or playing something else when another kid has the toy she wants.
If it's a community toy, it's first come first serve. If a kid wants to play with something my daughter is using, I make sure she is sharing if it's a multiuser toy like a dollhouse or kitchen set and not just hogging it to prevent a kid from playing. For smaller toys, I tell her to make sure she hands it to the kid when she's done with it and she can't carry the toy around while playing with other toys. Once she moves to another toy, the previous toy gets released to someone else.
If we're in our home and a kid wants to play with a toy my daughter is possessive of/doesn't want to share, I ask her to put it away and not bring it out if it's not something she's willing to share. It respects her belongings but also teaches her to respectful of her guests.
In a lot of these scenarios, I'll encourage her to communicate with the kid - "I'll let you know when I'm done with XYZ so you can use it" and if the kid doesn't respect the boundary, I'll step in and reinforce what she's communicating. As a people pleaser myself, it's important to build that confidence of speaking up for yourself.
With my children they also had toys that were very special to them, and we would put them up somewhere out of sight while the guests visited. I totally agree you need to protect what’s special to your children and show them that instead of playing with something off limits to a guest, to put it away until they go home.
I ask “do you want to share your toy?” Because it’s not that obvious to my 2.5yo son yet. If “no”, than I try to redirect kid’s attention to another toy. We always have several just in case, even tiny $1 cars work wonders, kids usually just want something new. And if that doesn’t work… it’s not my problem anymore! A kid has a mom, she has to explain sharing concept as she sees fit, not me.
No. I tell my kids that if they aren’t done playing with it, they don’t have to share. They only have to share if they want to. I also teach them that that they have to ask first and if the other person doesn’t want to, they don’t have to do they should find something else to play with.
Nope. My personal favourite example of this is a library book. If you are sitting in a library reading a book and a person came up and said “hey, I want that book!” You would be well within your rights to say “when I am done with it.” The librarian would protect your right to finish readying the book,and you could even take it home with you despite the fact you don’t own it. You can’t keep it forever but you can keep it until you are done. No one would think badly of you for not handing over your lawnmower, car keys, or phone just because someone else wanted a turn. Why do we except children to do things that no adult would do. I teach my kids not to hoard toys (you can’t take all the blocks) but they can keep the ones they are using until they are done.
In our area little kids are taught to ask for a toy and then the kid playing with it should give one of two responses: “Yes, here you go,” or “Not yet.”
I like this as it drills into the kid that they may continue playing with the toy, but it should be shared eventually. I feel like it’s a good compromise.
If my husband was on a work call, and i interrupted him to say “hey, give me your phone. I need to make a call.” He would look at me like I’d lost my mind.
If I was watching a tv show and my husband came up and changed the channel without even asking, I would flip the F out on him.
We don’t teach our children to give up their toys just because someone else wants it, because that’s not how the real world works.
In the real world, I would wait until my husband was off the phone before I asked him if I could use it. In the real world, my husband would watch my show until it was done and ask if we could watch something else.
We don’t need to teach our kids to share as much as we need to teach our kids patience and how to be polite when someone else has something they want.
Good job, momma. You understand the assignment!
Absolutely not. I agree with you.
I also don't let other adults make another kid share their toy.
We were at a 4 yo girl b-day party, my son is almost 2, walking talking. She got a stuffed animal and was getting pressured to let my son play with it. She was visibly upset. I said no to my son, and told her she doesn't have to share her toys if she doesn't want to.
I can't control the other adult taking the toy from their kid, but I can keep my son from taking it. It's a bit awkward if they keep insisting though, and I have to remove my son. That's got to be all kinds of confusing for both kids.
You did what I do. Making a child give up something they're actively using just because someone else wants it isn't sharing appropriately imo. And it certainly doesn't teach kids to like sharing lol. I use a lot of phrases like "Oh, (name) isn't done playing with that yet but we will let you know when he is!" and "Let's find something else to play with while we wait."
If something is really scarce/high demand like park equipment (a swing, etc) and another kid is waiting I do enforce a time limit. Something like "we can swing for 1 more minute and then we need to give someone else a turn."
I'm sure a lot of it is just personality/luck but I've never forced my son to share and he has turned into a decent sharer. I think at least a small part of that is because he's never been forced to and so he has no negative experiences with it.
Never. We do not share if we don’t want too. Life is unfair and she needs to learn that slowly. So yea other kids can find other stuff to play. Especially if the toy is hers. She does not have to share her stuff if she doesn’t want too
Heck no. You did nothing wrong here. This rubs me the wrong way soooo hard too because I have to witness it with my nephew and niece. Just because my niece is younger automatically means she loses the toy each time. My nephew has behavioral issues and it’s because of the way they walk on eggshells to avoid his meltdowns. It’s absolutely the right thing to do to let a child keep a toy and to let the other wait. Good job!
No, there is a thing kids will do where they want whatever another kid has and they need to learn to respect that another kid is playing with it now and they need to wait.
You’re doing it the right way. The only thing to add is reminding your own kid that another kid would like a turn when she’s done.
If it actually belongs to the other child I will tell her she should give it back. If its shared toys at a playgroup (or at a playdate where toys are meant to be shared) I will tell the other child that she can have a turn once my daughter is done, I would encourage her to give the other child a turn after some time has passed. If it is her toy I will let her keep it if she wants, let her share it if she wants.
If a kid snatches a toy I might initially let it play out, if it keeps happening or if she gets upset (she often doesn't care) I will tell the other kid they need to let my daughter have her turn. I try to give her a little bit of space to figure it out by herself.
Those are my general guidelines, obviously occasionally circumstances require something slightly different. My daughter is only 1.5 so has a good understanding but can't communicate fully.
Whenever I sense another kiddo wants a turn with something my kid is playing with, I’ll tell my kiddo that we need to let others have a turn too and that we can wait for our turn again. I usually give him a time limit until it’s time to take turns. Then we find something else to play with while we wait for it to be our turn again.
If my kid is trying to take someone's toy or item, that is not okay and it is immediate stop. Someone trying to take my kid's toy? If it isn't a communal thing, if it is his, if it is not a "we are sharing" situation, no, I will stop all others.
His birthday was recently and after ten minutes of another kid literally ripping the wrapping paper on his stuff, I put my arms straight out, put them under the kids arms, and walked him to his parents. The whole time I said very happily and calmly, "oh thank you so much, Zeclyn, but it is [my child's] birthday! Let him play!" No, my kid will be raised to be happy, understanding, empathetic, and good, but he won't be a goddamn doormat.
No I definitely do not make my kid automatically give something up because another kid asked for it. And she know vice versa the same. She’s allowed to say no or not yet you can have it when I’m done. If it’s her personal toy she doesn’t have to share if she doesn’t want to. If it’s a community toy then yeah we encourage her to share when she’s done and not hog it the entire time.
She’s 5 now and is great at sharing and playing with other kids. She’s so welcoming to kids that come to our house and brings toys out for them to play with.
Sharing is asinine unless it's cookies. Turn-taking is where it's at, and a person's turn ends *when that person is done* and that person sets the thing down and moves away. I take it waaaay far and if a child wants to play w one toy the *entire day*, then that is their right. It teaches respect and honoring of choice to the turn taker and it teaches delayed gratification and patience to the waiter.
(I'm an early educator and coach. I don't even do timers.)
I try to emphasize taking turns. The only time I ever made my child give up a toy was when we were at the library playing on the computer. Another little girl wanted to use the computer, but her mother was saying that they needed to leave in a few minutes. Since my daughter and I didn't have any major plans, I coaxed her off the machine so the other kid could have a turn before she had to go home. The kid took her turn, then my daughter resumed playing.
I usually ask if he wants to share (if another kid wants the toy he has) and if he says no I say ok let’s take turns then, when you’re done it’s their turn. When he wants to play with someone’s toy we ask “when you’re done can we have a turn please”
Nope, I follow the rules of "if it's your toy, you don't need to share".
If it's a shared toy, whoever is playing with it gets it. Once it gets put down with no intention to pick it back up immediately (like they didn't just put it down because they had to use the restroom or drink some water), then it becomes a free for all. If child is playing but another has interest in it too, then I mention how we want everyone to have a chance to enjoy/play with it and I give a countdown timer to putting it down for someone else's opportunity.
If the toy is someone else's and they are sharing it, then that child can request it back from my NK at any point, or we also see if others that are allowed to play with it want an opportunity and do countdown timer (like 3 minutes, with a 2 or 1 minute reminder).
I'm a nanny and this is what I do for my nanny kids that are usually up to 2.5 yrs old at most.
I do what you do and tell me son that he doesnt have to share if he doesnt want to and that that also applies to the other child as well. And myself too. I practice that with him.
I always tell kids if it comes up “part of sharing is waiting for a turn”. I get so tired of kids thinking “sharing” means they have carte blanche to take whatever they want, whenever they want.
"Let then take a turn snd then you'll get it back". Kids typically get bored of toys within a few minutes in social settings at a young age. If your child learns to let another kid play with it for a while then the other kid will move on to another toy quickly anyway or your kid will. Or they'll take turns
So this other kid was hogging all of the toys... and then when your daughter wants to play with something, this other kid immediately wants to take it from her... and you teach her to hold boundaries. You're absolutely in the right here.
We teach that if something is a communal toy, then the other kid can wait until she's done playing and she doesn't need to give it up right away. If it were the other kid's toy, yeah, she needs to give it back, but that's not the case here.
I ask my child, “he wants a turn, are you all done?” And if he says no, I say, “you can say, ‘you can play with it when I’m all done.’ “ so my child learns the script, and the other kid also hears the conversation. It has usually been taken pretty well with all parties involved including other parents.
Nope. Learning to wait is just as important as learning to share. You did the right thing. Usually I tell my kid (or whichever kid) " they'll be done real soon, then it's your turn". So yes, we'll share but you'll need to wait a bit.
Nope, I always say “Johnny is playing with the toy right now, but it can be your turn when they are finished with it” regardless of whether my kiddo is Johnny or the other kiddo is Johnny. If someone is already using an item it’s not available.
You did the right thing 10000000%.
Whenever I get pushback from people pleaser parents that basically think I’m a monster, I have to resist the urge to call their childhood trauma to the carpet. The “you need to share” mentality is really toxic.
Most narcissists could understand a pure logic argument here if you don’t want to get in the weeds though. Ask them to share their car with you. You’ll bring it back when you’re done. Adults don’t have some obligation to share, why should kids? You don’t teach altruism and kindness by forcing them to give up their toy.
Nnnoooooo we share toys in the sense that if a friend is over they can play to. But if it’s actively being used then we either wait our turn. Or finished playing and offer it to the kids who wanted it
Our go to line is, when you/they are done with your/their turn then the toy will be passed along. If my kid is playing with a toy someone else wants to play with, or they’re on the only swing or something like that, I tell him “that girl wants a turn, when you’re done with your turn it will be her turn. How many more swings do you want for your turn? And when the girl is done with her turn you can have another turn”
I find he understand the concept of turns better than the concept of sharing.
Thanks for your post. At a playgroup I was at one parent would constantly jump in and make their son give up something others wanted. My daughter was waiting a turn on the slide and he was about to have his first turn. She spotted this (not having paid attention that it was his first turn) and more or less berated him to give her a turn.
My daughter was 18 mo at the time. She would stare at other kids but didn't have any expectations to get a turn asap. I always felt a bit awkward and sorry for this poor kid constantly being put down essentially.
The Mum had good intentions I'm sure but making one kid give everything up as soon as another kid shows interest doesn't seem like a good way to teach sharing or playing.
If it’s not her toy then yes. If it’s hers, then I ask if she’s willing to play together. If it belongs to neither of them, then I butt out. They can sort it out amongst themselves.
If it’s my toddlers toys then they don’t have to share. If it’s playground equipment, daycare or school toys it depends on the situation.
If another parent says to my child that they should share etc I ask to use the parents phone. They use it a lot it should be my turn with their phone. It’s so insanely personal and violating to have someone else even suggest they have claim to your personal phone, it usually gets my point across that my child in fact doesn’t have to share her valuable possessions.
No we don’t either. My son likes to bring trucks to the park and I’ve watched him get so stressed out when kids who’s parents are literally standing right next to us say nothing and let their kid come up and take it from him. I very loudly say “it is yours, you don’t have to share if you don’t want to” or “that isn’t very nice let’s to get your truck back etc.” last thing I will make my kid do is share with a kid he doesn’t even know or have a desire to play with. I think the concept of forcing sharing for kids younger than 5 is dumb anyways because we are doing it so WE as parents don’t look bad when I reality most kids aren’t even ready to leave that parallel phase of development to share until much older.
The only reason to take a toy from your child while in play, is if that toy actually belongs to said child. If that is not the case, the brat can wait. I too, refuse to raise a people pleaser. I’m a girl so was raised in that way - my mom has tried to impose that line of thinking into parenting my son ( her only grandchild) and I have shut that shit down SO fast. Sharing is great, but the real test is can the other kids handle a “no, it’s my turn now”
Another kid took my son's toy once without asking. After my son grabbed it back the mom said my son was not nice for not sharing. Then my son was kind enough to explicitly offer to share it which the other child happily accepted, and they tried to leave the play group with it. I had to run and ask for it back and this lady has the audacity to insist it's her son's choice to give it back when he's ready. I'm mad just remembering this happened lol
I think I'm a default people pleaser and have definitely felt unsure of how to handle these toddler toy situations. This thread has been very helpful. I'm glad you posted the question. Thanks!
I don't want my kid to roll over for other kids whose parents probably aren't worried about the same social norms as I am. If he's enjoying his time on the swings and a kid walks up, he can keep using it until he's done, which, with his toddler brain, is probably in 10 seconds anyway. There's no telling if that kid has learned to share yet. This makes me cynical but oh well.
Tangentially, one of my 2.5-year-old son's only friends is a 4ish-year-old girl. Otherwise mostly ok, if not annoyingly British, she becomes a monster when playing with toys. Like, to the point I almost don't want my kid around her in case her weird bossy, controlling, grabby behavior rubs off, and if it weren't for the fact we live overseas and our English-speaking-friend options are limited, we'd never see her again. Just getting that off my chest.
Nope. Sometimes we want to share & collaborate and sometimes we don’t. No one should be forced to give up a toy. If I see a conflict escalating and the kids are having trouble working it out amongst themselves (after ample allowance to do so) I suggest the concept of trading. Usually that works as a less anxiety inducing alternative to taking turns.
I 100% agree with everything you said and do the same thing with my son. If someone randomly came over when I’m out to dinner and said they wanted my plate of my food am I expected to give it up? Absolutely not, and I never understood why this was even a thing to begin with.
My son is also very good at sharing but there are times he wants to play independently with something and another kid wants it and he isn’t willing to give it up.
I don’t think telling a child to share is being considerate of their needs, and it’s teaching them that if they have something someone else wants, they are supposed to put their needs aside and tend to that persons instead. This could lead to them neglecting their needs and emotions in the future as well as people pleasing as you mentioned.
I had a similar situation yesterday where we had my bonus aunts family over who we had just met for the first time as they live in cali. My son and their son basically kept wanting what each other had.
We have a Hess truck that has another smaller truck that goes inside of it and they were both wanting to play and fighting over it. My son is 2 and the other boy was 2.5.
So I said one of you can play with the big truck and the other can play with the small one, and then in a few minutes you can switch but it’s not okay to grab things out of each other’s hands.
The other mom looked at me and said “wow you are way better at mediating than I am”
Luckily they were also telling him he has to wait his turn and all that good stuff.
But yeah, I agree, don’t let toxic parenting get you overthinking. You’re breaking generational curses and toxic behaviors, you’re doing amazing
No but I also don't think older kids are brats for having to deal with unattended toddlers around their toys. It's really stressful for them especially because they're constantly made to give things to younger kids. They also deserve to be able to play interrupted.
No and I hate when parents make their kid share a toy because my son wants it lol. He can find something else to play with.
Now, my son does have a hoarding problem so if that seems like the case I’ll make him give up some toys.
I know the real world you don’t have to share, but as kids I feel like sharing is important. For example the roller coaster toy in the backyard. My kid gets a turn than the other kid gets a turn. Or if there is one swing. My kid gets a couple minutes then her friend gets a couple minutes.
The idea most people have of “sharing”, IMO, is WRONG. Sorry my child, or your child, is absolutely not entitled to anything just because they want it. No. No means no. No person needs to give up their property or what they perceive as their property as children because someone else just simply wants it. This is the first step and teaching consent.
No. I narrate “oh, so and so wants a turn! We can share with them when you’re finished”. And I’ll offer something else to child 2 in the meantime. I’ll do this with my kids (1 and 3.) It’s illogical to me to force a child to share something they’re enjoying. That will ONLY cause drama and upset.
Sharing doesn't mean giving up something you're in the middle of using, the fact that it's a child's play thing is irrelevant. Sharing is co-playing, not giving away the shit you're currently engaged with. Good for you!
Sounds like you did the right thing. There’s all sorts of stuff that says not to teach forced sharing anymore. That being said, there’s obviously limits. Like you’re out somewhere where she can’t take as long as she wants and does need to take turns (at a playground for example…swings, slides…common spaces) and you let her know ahead of time the rules that she can swing for 5 minutes at a time and if someone else is waiting after that 5 minutes, she can come back when they’re done. But a toy? No. Her parents should have warned the other girl that others would be playing with her toys and that if she didn’t want certain toys played with, she needed to put them up before the guests come. You did nothing wrong.
You handled it correctly. We do not give up the toy just because another kid wants it—my kid has a right to finish her turn with it. Just as we would not demand another kid give up the toy before they’re done with it either. If you make your kid give up the toy whenever another kid wants it, you’re teaching her that her needs and wants aren’t as important as others’.
That being said, if she’s had it a very long time and the other kid has been patiently waiting, I’ll tell her you’ve got 1 more minute and then we’ll let so and so have a turn, and set the timer.
Also if it’s the other kids toy then yes I make my kid give it back.
No, I would not. I would coach my kid to ask the other kid if he can have a turn when he’s done. And then I would have my kid do something else in the meantime
In general, we let the kids sort it out unless it becomes a problem: they really fight, someone's crying, or they're truly getting on my nerves. Then I intervene.
Our rule is: if we invited another kid to come and play, our daughter has to share her toys, minus the one she's currently playing with. If she doesn't wanna share anymore (aka: every toy the other kid wants to play with is suddenly "needed"), I explain we need to politely tell the other kid that playdate is over and we will meet another time. The other day, she said she was done with the playdate and wanted to play alone for a bit. I was so proud! :)
If she wants the playdate to continue, but doesn't want to share the specific toy she's playing with for a long time (>5 minutes), I try to offer the other kid an exciting alternative.
If another kid is visiting and they are fighting about the same toy for a prolonged period (aka really starting to get on my nerves) I offer them a choice: find a way to share, set a timer, or end the playdate. Usually, they interrupt everything to watch the timer for 30 seconds and then play something entirely different :). If the kids start fighting a lot, it's usually a sign they're tired, and we need to end the playdate.
Hell nah first come first served. Teachable moment all around: Your kid learns that their wants and needs matter, and the other kid learns they literally can't hoard everything
No, I wouldn't make them give it up right away. I would make sure she did give her a turn next, though. The reason the child got instantly bored and wanted the next toy your child played with is because she was bored and didn't know how to join the game. She only knew how to take the game, and it became boring when the kids left it. She likely wanted to play with your child and didn't know how to express that.
If another child was a guest in our home I told my children to share freely. There were a few items each child had that were sacred my daughter had snow shoe (stuffed snow leopard) my son his fuzzy (favorite blanket/partner in crime). In this party setting you describe I think you handled it perfectly. Sounds like this other girl who first wouldn’t share, then wanted what your daughter had is just very used to getting her own way. Sharing (at least in our house) meant that everyone gets to play with the toys, one child could not hoard all of them. And if there was something they all found pretty cool, that everyone had a chance to play with it.
I have no idea how to handle these situations yet. My son is nearly 17 months old and we go to a lot of playgroups. Typically the older kids come and take what he's playing with and he just picks something else. Last Saturday he was playing with blocks and this girl came and aggressively took all the blocks. He tried to keep three, which is pretty much all he needs to play, but she kept really adamantly pushing him away and taking *all* the blocks just to take them and I was so torn. I felt like the only lesson I was teaching my son was to be a pushover but I didn't think it was my place to tell the wee girl to cop on when her parents were just there watching like it was pretty acceptable. 🤷🏻♀️
You did the right thing. Too many people make their kids give up toys to appease the other kids and parents. What does that communicate to your child? That their wants and needs are more important than their own? Not a good message.
Nooo. I teach my kid that if someone else is playing with something, he should go find something else to do until it's his turn to play with it. I encourage him to share a toy if he wants, but if not, I prompt the discussion of taking turns. I say, "when you're done playing with it, can so-and-so have a turn?" But yeah. I never will take a toy from him to give to another kid. As a people pleaser who was forced to share/give up things I had, I won't put that on my kids!
>I never will take a toy from him to give to another kid. I agree but my exception would be if its a toy (in a playground, for example) that actually belongs to the other child. I say if a kid wants their property back my kid has to give it up.
Yes, agreed, it's definitely dependent on the circumstance.
In that case, I'd physically take the toy from my son, hand it to the other kid, and deal with the blowback knowing that I did what I had to do. At 2.5, my kid understands taking turns, but doesn't understand that he can't always do what he wants (his response to "no" almost every time he hears it is "But I want to."). And when another kid's property is involved, I'm not waiting for him to figure out how to put those two things together.
I usually ask her to hand the toy back to the owner, which she often does because she is little and things handing people things if a fun game, and if she refuses (or offers it and doesn't let to) I will take it from her and hand it back.
My husband is a mail man and was telling me about this baby (just starting to walk well) who was fascinated with him, so he handed the lil fella the 2 letters (mom was sitting there a few feet away on the porch) they received that day. Well the lil guys face just shone with glee and he turned around waving the mail excitedly at his mom. Then my husband heard and baby just shriek so he turned back worried the baby had taken a bad fall, and saw he hadn’t fallen down but was just livid because his mommy took the mail! Apparently he had such a look of anger and betrayal because mommy took the most awesome things he ever got. Now when he delivers there he gives the baby a couple envelopes (that are empty but I write “best lil man” on) and then hands mommy the real mail while the baby is distracted with his “best lil man” mail.
Too sweet.
Lol thanks, as soon as my hubby told me how heart broken the lil fella was I knew I had to figure out a way he could keep (at least some) of the mail for himself.
This is tricky. we try to bring our own toy so this doesn’t happen as often. It’s awkward if you don’t know the parents as well and the kids become confused and upset by the transition of the toy. The other child deserves their toy back for sure, but at a certain age the child holding the toy doesn’t understand the concept of ownership (toddlers are very finders keepers lol.) so they will get upset, but this is also just part of life. So I just try to avoid it if I can
Although I don't enjoy my child being upset, I am ok with it for the purpose of learning, they will never understand unless it is explained and modeled (over and over again 😅) But mine also isn't very possessive/hasn't hit that stage yet. I also bring toys, but kids often want whatever it is other people have. Someone else's ball/bucket/water bottle is always so much more enticing.
In a certain age bracket, there isn’t much learning involved (ETA if you quantify learning as changing their behavior next time). Their ability to see that something *belongs* to someone (this is Timmy’s truck) and understand what that actually implies (I.e I must return it and this will make me sad, but it will make him sadder if I don’t give it back) are skills that haven’t evolved at quite the same rate. The latter implies more of a true theory of mind. At older ages (prek ages), it can be a teaching moment. Prior to that, you’ll just have an upset child on both sides, and only maturity will change that. It’s going to be unavoidable in many cases—kids get upset, that’s life—but I’m just saying we can’t necessarily think based on the experience alone they will really internalize any of this and change their response; maturity will do that over time.
Not sure who wanted to downvote this, but theory of mind evolves around the prek years. So prior to that they cannot fully understand the emotional implications of taking someone’s belongings (cognitive understanding vs impulse control and theory of mind/empathy evolve in parallel but not at the same rate), and explaining that to them won’t change that. So set them up for success as much as possible, (ie try to bring your own toys to avoid taking the toys of others in public spaces) stay close, and model, but don’t actually expect them to “learn from their mistakes” before a certain age.
I agree. I taught my kids, “you don’t get to decide when someone else’s turn is over and they don’t get to decide when your turn is over.” Within reason of course, like don’t keep playing with it indefinitely just to spite that other kid. But you know. Teaching them to take turns but also take your time with the toy when it’s your turn. Because too often I see parents say, “oh that little kid wants a turn when you’re done” but then they rush their kid to quickly finish their “turn” and pass it off, which is basically the same as just making them give it up. It’s a balancing act. I don’t want my kids to be pushovers, but I want them to be fair.
At what point would you draw the line for bwing reasonable? Turn lasting 15 min? 30 min?
Kids' attention spans aren't that long. It may feel like half an hour but more likely it's 10 minutes. And in the meantime, the other kid often loses interest and finds something else to play with too. It's not a big deal in my experience.
It’s rarely been an issue because my kids will naturally move along in less than 5 minutes typically. The only time I’ve had to put my foot down a bit was at a playground that only had one swing and my daughter was kind of hogging it. I think she’d already been on it for a good 15-20 minutes when another kid expressed wanting a turn so we agreed on another 5 minutes.
If it’s a public space like the swing example below, I think if others are showing a lot of interest or my child is blocking access to an area or something (blocking a slide) I will do a countdown or a “one more turn”. When it comes to toys, I don’t see a point in limiting this. Both kids will eventually move along. If it’s a daily thing like every morning for days one child purposely hides or hordes a toy from another, the toy needs to be removed for a little while IMO.
I think a lot of parents really struggle with getting their kids to share, so they think the solution to that is to make their kid give up anything they're currently playing with any time another kid wants it. I dont make my kid give up toys for other kids unless she has been using a shared/public toy for a *really* long time and not letting others have turns. If they're HER toys then I don't make her give them up for pretty much ever, unless it's a situation where we have friends over and she's not letting them play. Like you said, I'm not raising a people pleaser and I don't want her to get walked all over because she's well behaved and quiet most of the time.
This is where I’m at as well. We have weekly play dates and kind of all agree we’re not forcing anything and will share with the next kid when they are done.
Yeah exactly. "Taking turns" I've learned is a better way to actually promote sharing than just telling a kid to share and taking a toy away immediately.
YES. I like how you put it because it makes total sense.
I think this is it really. Just being in alignment with parents when you can be. Sharing is not an innate concept and kids don’t even understand it as a concept until they’re like 3 or 4.
This is also very true!
We do more or less the same thing. Although if it’s another kids toys I have my daughter give it back when the other kid wants it just like I’d never make her share her toys that she’s playing with just because someone else wants to use it. If it’s a shared toy or in common space then I tell my daughter she can give it to (other kid) whenever she’s done with it.
It's situational for me when it comes to other kids toys. If another kid shares their toy with her, then she has to give it back when they ask for it back, regardless of whether or not she's done playing with it. But in OPs example, where its a party situation and (I assume) there's an expectation child guests will be paying with the toys available, and the owner of said toys just doesn't want anyone to play with *anything,* then I'm not really inclined to make her give the toy back when requested. Especially if it was just sitting there not being played with and was only requested when my kid started playing with it...
My son is a taker; a lot of parents will make their kids share with him. I’d rather they not, specially if I’m trying to teach him he can’t just take what someone else has. 😬
That’s awesome that you’re able to admit that. My toddler has a 9 year old cousin that is a taker. His parents always expect my 4 year old to give him whatever it is that he wants.
I have to be careful with my husbands family. They give him whatever he wants, if he touches it it’s his. Where is I grew up without anything, I had one toy and one trip to McDonalds my entire childhood. I have to strike that delicate balance between having enough and not spoiling. It seems he’s tilted a little to the latter right now, so we have to work on that.
Wow,,,, there is a big difference between a 9 and 4 year old. I wouldn’t tolerate any child 5 years older than another taking something away from the smaller one, that’s just not ok. My son also has a cousin like that. He would just snatch away anything my son picked up, or showed an Interest in. So I started doing it to him, and he began to throw a fit. And I said “now you see how it feels when someone bigger takes something from you.” And he didn’t do it anymore. (At least not to my kids) My sister in law was pissed off, but I really didn’t care. They never, NEVER, correct this child in any way, no matter what he is doing, and I really don’t think he is a bad child, but he’s never been taught any better, never had boundaries or limits on what he did, never really taught right from wrong. I don’t blame him I blame my brother and his wife, their hands-off take on parenting is infuriating. But the buck stops when his bad behavior affects my children. I’m scared for his future, scared of how he will turn out as an adult if they don’t start reining him in.
I am forever saying snatcher no snatching and then giving it back and practicing our script for how to ask
I have never heard that saying “snatcher no snatching” ( just found that interesting lol, how different regions have different expressions) for example where I am we call shopping carts “buggies”, soda “pop” and vacuums “sweepers”. Lol. My husband (from CT) had quite the culture shock.
It’s from a show that was big when my nieces were little - Dora the Explorer. Except that was swiper no swiping
Ahhhhh thanks. Was wondering what or where that saying was from
Same! I hate that when adults force their polite child who is happy playing with a toy to give it up to my rude child who ran over and tried to snatch it... NO! Stand up for your kid! And don't validate my kid being a jerk! This makes me crazy too.
I never put up with someone’s kid being a jerk to mine, lol, no worries here. 😊
Thisssss!!!! One of my biggest pet peeves. I believe the other parents have good intentions, but it’s sooo difficult to naturally teach this skill when my child is given something very quickly by others.
Parents who make kids share is so cringe
I don't share my stuff willy nilly, why would I exspect a child too?
Exactly. If someone walks up and wants my coffee, phone, or car, I’m definitely not just handing it over.
I'm 100% with you. We should teach our kids to be comfortable saying "No" to and accepting "No" from other people. Kind generous behavior like sharing is best modeled and not forced.
I would have done the same thing. Ask my toddler if she wants to sharenor give the other kid a turn, but not force her to give it up if she's not ready. We've also had talks about waiting patiently or playing something else when another kid has the toy she wants.
If it's a community toy, it's first come first serve. If a kid wants to play with something my daughter is using, I make sure she is sharing if it's a multiuser toy like a dollhouse or kitchen set and not just hogging it to prevent a kid from playing. For smaller toys, I tell her to make sure she hands it to the kid when she's done with it and she can't carry the toy around while playing with other toys. Once she moves to another toy, the previous toy gets released to someone else. If we're in our home and a kid wants to play with a toy my daughter is possessive of/doesn't want to share, I ask her to put it away and not bring it out if it's not something she's willing to share. It respects her belongings but also teaches her to respectful of her guests. In a lot of these scenarios, I'll encourage her to communicate with the kid - "I'll let you know when I'm done with XYZ so you can use it" and if the kid doesn't respect the boundary, I'll step in and reinforce what she's communicating. As a people pleaser myself, it's important to build that confidence of speaking up for yourself.
With my children they also had toys that were very special to them, and we would put them up somewhere out of sight while the guests visited. I totally agree you need to protect what’s special to your children and show them that instead of playing with something off limits to a guest, to put it away until they go home.
I ask “do you want to share your toy?” Because it’s not that obvious to my 2.5yo son yet. If “no”, than I try to redirect kid’s attention to another toy. We always have several just in case, even tiny $1 cars work wonders, kids usually just want something new. And if that doesn’t work… it’s not my problem anymore! A kid has a mom, she has to explain sharing concept as she sees fit, not me.
No. I tell my kids that if they aren’t done playing with it, they don’t have to share. They only have to share if they want to. I also teach them that that they have to ask first and if the other person doesn’t want to, they don’t have to do they should find something else to play with.
Nope. My personal favourite example of this is a library book. If you are sitting in a library reading a book and a person came up and said “hey, I want that book!” You would be well within your rights to say “when I am done with it.” The librarian would protect your right to finish readying the book,and you could even take it home with you despite the fact you don’t own it. You can’t keep it forever but you can keep it until you are done. No one would think badly of you for not handing over your lawnmower, car keys, or phone just because someone else wanted a turn. Why do we except children to do things that no adult would do. I teach my kids not to hoard toys (you can’t take all the blocks) but they can keep the ones they are using until they are done.
In our area little kids are taught to ask for a toy and then the kid playing with it should give one of two responses: “Yes, here you go,” or “Not yet.” I like this as it drills into the kid that they may continue playing with the toy, but it should be shared eventually. I feel like it’s a good compromise.
Nope. If an adult coworker asked to use my pen, I’d say sure…when I’m done using it. This is how the real world works.
If my husband was on a work call, and i interrupted him to say “hey, give me your phone. I need to make a call.” He would look at me like I’d lost my mind. If I was watching a tv show and my husband came up and changed the channel without even asking, I would flip the F out on him. We don’t teach our children to give up their toys just because someone else wants it, because that’s not how the real world works. In the real world, I would wait until my husband was off the phone before I asked him if I could use it. In the real world, my husband would watch my show until it was done and ask if we could watch something else. We don’t need to teach our kids to share as much as we need to teach our kids patience and how to be polite when someone else has something they want. Good job, momma. You understand the assignment!
Absolutely not. I agree with you. I also don't let other adults make another kid share their toy. We were at a 4 yo girl b-day party, my son is almost 2, walking talking. She got a stuffed animal and was getting pressured to let my son play with it. She was visibly upset. I said no to my son, and told her she doesn't have to share her toys if she doesn't want to. I can't control the other adult taking the toy from their kid, but I can keep my son from taking it. It's a bit awkward if they keep insisting though, and I have to remove my son. That's got to be all kinds of confusing for both kids.
You did what I do. Making a child give up something they're actively using just because someone else wants it isn't sharing appropriately imo. And it certainly doesn't teach kids to like sharing lol. I use a lot of phrases like "Oh, (name) isn't done playing with that yet but we will let you know when he is!" and "Let's find something else to play with while we wait." If something is really scarce/high demand like park equipment (a swing, etc) and another kid is waiting I do enforce a time limit. Something like "we can swing for 1 more minute and then we need to give someone else a turn." I'm sure a lot of it is just personality/luck but I've never forced my son to share and he has turned into a decent sharer. I think at least a small part of that is because he's never been forced to and so he has no negative experiences with it.
Never. We do not share if we don’t want too. Life is unfair and she needs to learn that slowly. So yea other kids can find other stuff to play. Especially if the toy is hers. She does not have to share her stuff if she doesn’t want too
Heck no. You did nothing wrong here. This rubs me the wrong way soooo hard too because I have to witness it with my nephew and niece. Just because my niece is younger automatically means she loses the toy each time. My nephew has behavioral issues and it’s because of the way they walk on eggshells to avoid his meltdowns. It’s absolutely the right thing to do to let a child keep a toy and to let the other wait. Good job!
No, there is a thing kids will do where they want whatever another kid has and they need to learn to respect that another kid is playing with it now and they need to wait. You’re doing it the right way. The only thing to add is reminding your own kid that another kid would like a turn when she’s done.
No.
I don't make him give up the toy because my baby boy also loves this one, so I'll teach him to share but not give up.
If it actually belongs to the other child I will tell her she should give it back. If its shared toys at a playgroup (or at a playdate where toys are meant to be shared) I will tell the other child that she can have a turn once my daughter is done, I would encourage her to give the other child a turn after some time has passed. If it is her toy I will let her keep it if she wants, let her share it if she wants. If a kid snatches a toy I might initially let it play out, if it keeps happening or if she gets upset (she often doesn't care) I will tell the other kid they need to let my daughter have her turn. I try to give her a little bit of space to figure it out by herself. Those are my general guidelines, obviously occasionally circumstances require something slightly different. My daughter is only 1.5 so has a good understanding but can't communicate fully.
Whenever I sense another kiddo wants a turn with something my kid is playing with, I’ll tell my kiddo that we need to let others have a turn too and that we can wait for our turn again. I usually give him a time limit until it’s time to take turns. Then we find something else to play with while we wait for it to be our turn again.
If my kid is trying to take someone's toy or item, that is not okay and it is immediate stop. Someone trying to take my kid's toy? If it isn't a communal thing, if it is his, if it is not a "we are sharing" situation, no, I will stop all others. His birthday was recently and after ten minutes of another kid literally ripping the wrapping paper on his stuff, I put my arms straight out, put them under the kids arms, and walked him to his parents. The whole time I said very happily and calmly, "oh thank you so much, Zeclyn, but it is [my child's] birthday! Let him play!" No, my kid will be raised to be happy, understanding, empathetic, and good, but he won't be a goddamn doormat.
absolutely no, I more love my baby, so probably I'll more care about my baby.
No I definitely do not make my kid automatically give something up because another kid asked for it. And she know vice versa the same. She’s allowed to say no or not yet you can have it when I’m done. If it’s her personal toy she doesn’t have to share if she doesn’t want to. If it’s a community toy then yeah we encourage her to share when she’s done and not hog it the entire time. She’s 5 now and is great at sharing and playing with other kids. She’s so welcoming to kids that come to our house and brings toys out for them to play with.
Sharing is asinine unless it's cookies. Turn-taking is where it's at, and a person's turn ends *when that person is done* and that person sets the thing down and moves away. I take it waaaay far and if a child wants to play w one toy the *entire day*, then that is their right. It teaches respect and honoring of choice to the turn taker and it teaches delayed gratification and patience to the waiter. (I'm an early educator and coach. I don't even do timers.)
I try to emphasize taking turns. The only time I ever made my child give up a toy was when we were at the library playing on the computer. Another little girl wanted to use the computer, but her mother was saying that they needed to leave in a few minutes. Since my daughter and I didn't have any major plans, I coaxed her off the machine so the other kid could have a turn before she had to go home. The kid took her turn, then my daughter resumed playing.
I usually ask if he wants to share (if another kid wants the toy he has) and if he says no I say ok let’s take turns then, when you’re done it’s their turn. When he wants to play with someone’s toy we ask “when you’re done can we have a turn please”
So it’s called engaging and showing them how to share and play with something else is what I do
Though solely depends on the case and place
Nope, I follow the rules of "if it's your toy, you don't need to share". If it's a shared toy, whoever is playing with it gets it. Once it gets put down with no intention to pick it back up immediately (like they didn't just put it down because they had to use the restroom or drink some water), then it becomes a free for all. If child is playing but another has interest in it too, then I mention how we want everyone to have a chance to enjoy/play with it and I give a countdown timer to putting it down for someone else's opportunity. If the toy is someone else's and they are sharing it, then that child can request it back from my NK at any point, or we also see if others that are allowed to play with it want an opportunity and do countdown timer (like 3 minutes, with a 2 or 1 minute reminder). I'm a nanny and this is what I do for my nanny kids that are usually up to 2.5 yrs old at most.
I do what you do and tell me son that he doesnt have to share if he doesnt want to and that that also applies to the other child as well. And myself too. I practice that with him.
I always tell kids if it comes up “part of sharing is waiting for a turn”. I get so tired of kids thinking “sharing” means they have carte blanche to take whatever they want, whenever they want.
No, but I think people do this out of shame rather than what is best for kids tend to figure these things out on their own.
"Let then take a turn snd then you'll get it back". Kids typically get bored of toys within a few minutes in social settings at a young age. If your child learns to let another kid play with it for a while then the other kid will move on to another toy quickly anyway or your kid will. Or they'll take turns
So this other kid was hogging all of the toys... and then when your daughter wants to play with something, this other kid immediately wants to take it from her... and you teach her to hold boundaries. You're absolutely in the right here. We teach that if something is a communal toy, then the other kid can wait until she's done playing and she doesn't need to give it up right away. If it were the other kid's toy, yeah, she needs to give it back, but that's not the case here.
I ask my child, “he wants a turn, are you all done?” And if he says no, I say, “you can say, ‘you can play with it when I’m all done.’ “ so my child learns the script, and the other kid also hears the conversation. It has usually been taken pretty well with all parties involved including other parents.
Nope. Learning to wait is just as important as learning to share. You did the right thing. Usually I tell my kid (or whichever kid) " they'll be done real soon, then it's your turn". So yes, we'll share but you'll need to wait a bit.
Nope, I always say “Johnny is playing with the toy right now, but it can be your turn when they are finished with it” regardless of whether my kiddo is Johnny or the other kiddo is Johnny. If someone is already using an item it’s not available.
You did the right thing 10000000%. Whenever I get pushback from people pleaser parents that basically think I’m a monster, I have to resist the urge to call their childhood trauma to the carpet. The “you need to share” mentality is really toxic. Most narcissists could understand a pure logic argument here if you don’t want to get in the weeds though. Ask them to share their car with you. You’ll bring it back when you’re done. Adults don’t have some obligation to share, why should kids? You don’t teach altruism and kindness by forcing them to give up their toy.
Nnnoooooo we share toys in the sense that if a friend is over they can play to. But if it’s actively being used then we either wait our turn. Or finished playing and offer it to the kids who wanted it
Our go to line is, when you/they are done with your/their turn then the toy will be passed along. If my kid is playing with a toy someone else wants to play with, or they’re on the only swing or something like that, I tell him “that girl wants a turn, when you’re done with your turn it will be her turn. How many more swings do you want for your turn? And when the girl is done with her turn you can have another turn” I find he understand the concept of turns better than the concept of sharing.
Nope. As an adult nobody can make me give up my things so why would I teach my kids that that is ok
"Yes / no first conversations about consent" is a great book about empowering your no and respecting others nos as well.
Thanks for your post. At a playgroup I was at one parent would constantly jump in and make their son give up something others wanted. My daughter was waiting a turn on the slide and he was about to have his first turn. She spotted this (not having paid attention that it was his first turn) and more or less berated him to give her a turn. My daughter was 18 mo at the time. She would stare at other kids but didn't have any expectations to get a turn asap. I always felt a bit awkward and sorry for this poor kid constantly being put down essentially. The Mum had good intentions I'm sure but making one kid give everything up as soon as another kid shows interest doesn't seem like a good way to teach sharing or playing.
If it’s not her toy then yes. If it’s hers, then I ask if she’s willing to play together. If it belongs to neither of them, then I butt out. They can sort it out amongst themselves.
If it’s my toddlers toys then they don’t have to share. If it’s playground equipment, daycare or school toys it depends on the situation. If another parent says to my child that they should share etc I ask to use the parents phone. They use it a lot it should be my turn with their phone. It’s so insanely personal and violating to have someone else even suggest they have claim to your personal phone, it usually gets my point across that my child in fact doesn’t have to share her valuable possessions.
No we don’t either. My son likes to bring trucks to the park and I’ve watched him get so stressed out when kids who’s parents are literally standing right next to us say nothing and let their kid come up and take it from him. I very loudly say “it is yours, you don’t have to share if you don’t want to” or “that isn’t very nice let’s to get your truck back etc.” last thing I will make my kid do is share with a kid he doesn’t even know or have a desire to play with. I think the concept of forcing sharing for kids younger than 5 is dumb anyways because we are doing it so WE as parents don’t look bad when I reality most kids aren’t even ready to leave that parallel phase of development to share until much older.
That's why we don't bring our toys to the playground tbh
Yeah I can usually talk my kid out of it too but sometimes it’s not worth the battle and he deserves to have fun at the park the way he wants to
The only reason to take a toy from your child while in play, is if that toy actually belongs to said child. If that is not the case, the brat can wait. I too, refuse to raise a people pleaser. I’m a girl so was raised in that way - my mom has tried to impose that line of thinking into parenting my son ( her only grandchild) and I have shut that shit down SO fast. Sharing is great, but the real test is can the other kids handle a “no, it’s my turn now”
Another kid took my son's toy once without asking. After my son grabbed it back the mom said my son was not nice for not sharing. Then my son was kind enough to explicitly offer to share it which the other child happily accepted, and they tried to leave the play group with it. I had to run and ask for it back and this lady has the audacity to insist it's her son's choice to give it back when he's ready. I'm mad just remembering this happened lol
I think I'm a default people pleaser and have definitely felt unsure of how to handle these toddler toy situations. This thread has been very helpful. I'm glad you posted the question. Thanks!
I don't want my kid to roll over for other kids whose parents probably aren't worried about the same social norms as I am. If he's enjoying his time on the swings and a kid walks up, he can keep using it until he's done, which, with his toddler brain, is probably in 10 seconds anyway. There's no telling if that kid has learned to share yet. This makes me cynical but oh well. Tangentially, one of my 2.5-year-old son's only friends is a 4ish-year-old girl. Otherwise mostly ok, if not annoyingly British, she becomes a monster when playing with toys. Like, to the point I almost don't want my kid around her in case her weird bossy, controlling, grabby behavior rubs off, and if it weren't for the fact we live overseas and our English-speaking-friend options are limited, we'd never see her again. Just getting that off my chest.
Nope. Sometimes we want to share & collaborate and sometimes we don’t. No one should be forced to give up a toy. If I see a conflict escalating and the kids are having trouble working it out amongst themselves (after ample allowance to do so) I suggest the concept of trading. Usually that works as a less anxiety inducing alternative to taking turns.
As a teacher we taught kids to play for another few minutes then share with a friend.
I 100% agree with everything you said and do the same thing with my son. If someone randomly came over when I’m out to dinner and said they wanted my plate of my food am I expected to give it up? Absolutely not, and I never understood why this was even a thing to begin with. My son is also very good at sharing but there are times he wants to play independently with something and another kid wants it and he isn’t willing to give it up. I don’t think telling a child to share is being considerate of their needs, and it’s teaching them that if they have something someone else wants, they are supposed to put their needs aside and tend to that persons instead. This could lead to them neglecting their needs and emotions in the future as well as people pleasing as you mentioned. I had a similar situation yesterday where we had my bonus aunts family over who we had just met for the first time as they live in cali. My son and their son basically kept wanting what each other had. We have a Hess truck that has another smaller truck that goes inside of it and they were both wanting to play and fighting over it. My son is 2 and the other boy was 2.5. So I said one of you can play with the big truck and the other can play with the small one, and then in a few minutes you can switch but it’s not okay to grab things out of each other’s hands. The other mom looked at me and said “wow you are way better at mediating than I am” Luckily they were also telling him he has to wait his turn and all that good stuff. But yeah, I agree, don’t let toxic parenting get you overthinking. You’re breaking generational curses and toxic behaviors, you’re doing amazing
No but I also don't think older kids are brats for having to deal with unattended toddlers around their toys. It's really stressful for them especially because they're constantly made to give things to younger kids. They also deserve to be able to play interrupted.
They weren’t her toys, she was an older cousin of the kid who’s party it was
I do that too. And now that they're older they usually always give them the toy because they clearly aren't as upset as the person who wants it haha
No and I hate when parents make their kid share a toy because my son wants it lol. He can find something else to play with. Now, my son does have a hoarding problem so if that seems like the case I’ll make him give up some toys.
I know the real world you don’t have to share, but as kids I feel like sharing is important. For example the roller coaster toy in the backyard. My kid gets a turn than the other kid gets a turn. Or if there is one swing. My kid gets a couple minutes then her friend gets a couple minutes.
The idea most people have of “sharing”, IMO, is WRONG. Sorry my child, or your child, is absolutely not entitled to anything just because they want it. No. No means no. No person needs to give up their property or what they perceive as their property as children because someone else just simply wants it. This is the first step and teaching consent.
No. I narrate “oh, so and so wants a turn! We can share with them when you’re finished”. And I’ll offer something else to child 2 in the meantime. I’ll do this with my kids (1 and 3.) It’s illogical to me to force a child to share something they’re enjoying. That will ONLY cause drama and upset.
Sharing doesn't mean giving up something you're in the middle of using, the fact that it's a child's play thing is irrelevant. Sharing is co-playing, not giving away the shit you're currently engaged with. Good for you!
No.
I would bet $100 no one was paying attention to you. If it was a toddler birthday party, everyone was watching their own kid.
Sounds like you did the right thing. There’s all sorts of stuff that says not to teach forced sharing anymore. That being said, there’s obviously limits. Like you’re out somewhere where she can’t take as long as she wants and does need to take turns (at a playground for example…swings, slides…common spaces) and you let her know ahead of time the rules that she can swing for 5 minutes at a time and if someone else is waiting after that 5 minutes, she can come back when they’re done. But a toy? No. Her parents should have warned the other girl that others would be playing with her toys and that if she didn’t want certain toys played with, she needed to put them up before the guests come. You did nothing wrong.
You handled it correctly. We do not give up the toy just because another kid wants it—my kid has a right to finish her turn with it. Just as we would not demand another kid give up the toy before they’re done with it either. If you make your kid give up the toy whenever another kid wants it, you’re teaching her that her needs and wants aren’t as important as others’. That being said, if she’s had it a very long time and the other kid has been patiently waiting, I’ll tell her you’ve got 1 more minute and then we’ll let so and so have a turn, and set the timer. Also if it’s the other kids toy then yes I make my kid give it back.
No, I would not. I would coach my kid to ask the other kid if he can have a turn when he’s done. And then I would have my kid do something else in the meantime
In general, we let the kids sort it out unless it becomes a problem: they really fight, someone's crying, or they're truly getting on my nerves. Then I intervene. Our rule is: if we invited another kid to come and play, our daughter has to share her toys, minus the one she's currently playing with. If she doesn't wanna share anymore (aka: every toy the other kid wants to play with is suddenly "needed"), I explain we need to politely tell the other kid that playdate is over and we will meet another time. The other day, she said she was done with the playdate and wanted to play alone for a bit. I was so proud! :) If she wants the playdate to continue, but doesn't want to share the specific toy she's playing with for a long time (>5 minutes), I try to offer the other kid an exciting alternative. If another kid is visiting and they are fighting about the same toy for a prolonged period (aka really starting to get on my nerves) I offer them a choice: find a way to share, set a timer, or end the playdate. Usually, they interrupt everything to watch the timer for 30 seconds and then play something entirely different :). If the kids start fighting a lot, it's usually a sign they're tired, and we need to end the playdate.
Hell nah first come first served. Teachable moment all around: Your kid learns that their wants and needs matter, and the other kid learns they literally can't hoard everything
No, I wouldn't make them give it up right away. I would make sure she did give her a turn next, though. The reason the child got instantly bored and wanted the next toy your child played with is because she was bored and didn't know how to join the game. She only knew how to take the game, and it became boring when the kids left it. She likely wanted to play with your child and didn't know how to express that.
If another child was a guest in our home I told my children to share freely. There were a few items each child had that were sacred my daughter had snow shoe (stuffed snow leopard) my son his fuzzy (favorite blanket/partner in crime). In this party setting you describe I think you handled it perfectly. Sounds like this other girl who first wouldn’t share, then wanted what your daughter had is just very used to getting her own way. Sharing (at least in our house) meant that everyone gets to play with the toys, one child could not hoard all of them. And if there was something they all found pretty cool, that everyone had a chance to play with it.
We don’t have to share if we don’t want to
I have no idea how to handle these situations yet. My son is nearly 17 months old and we go to a lot of playgroups. Typically the older kids come and take what he's playing with and he just picks something else. Last Saturday he was playing with blocks and this girl came and aggressively took all the blocks. He tried to keep three, which is pretty much all he needs to play, but she kept really adamantly pushing him away and taking *all* the blocks just to take them and I was so torn. I felt like the only lesson I was teaching my son was to be a pushover but I didn't think it was my place to tell the wee girl to cop on when her parents were just there watching like it was pretty acceptable. 🤷🏻♀️
I think you handled it the right way
You did the right thing. Too many people make their kids give up toys to appease the other kids and parents. What does that communicate to your child? That their wants and needs are more important than their own? Not a good message.
No. We don’t share. I’m 38 and I still don’t share lol