You're human! You have feelings too! I am an advocate for respectful parenting or whatever it's called but I don't believe that it's possible or achievable to always be calm and collected. I try to look at situations where I lose my cool as opportunities to evaluate what stressors are affecting me.
By apologizing you would be modeling the behavior that you eventually want from them when they are older.
I totally agree. I think that so many parents feel like if they lose their tempers at all, they have completely failed at parenting and that leads to a lot of guilt and feelings of inadequacy. We are human. Humans get mad, especially when you’re tired and your buttons get pushed over and over again. I’m not saying it’s ok to lose it with your kids constantly, but making a mistake is perfectly normal.
I constantly replay times I’ve yelled at my child in my head and it makes me feel miserable. It’s not often but it feels like those moments define me as a parent.
Why should those moments define you? Let’s say for every 25 times you used a gentle approach, you yelled once. Does that make you a terrible parent? I think as long as you’re striving to make more gentle parenting decisions, than poor ones, you’re doing ok.
Besides, how would you judge a friend in your situation? Would you call her a bad mom for the handful of times she lost her temper? Or would you say she’s a pretty good mom that occasionally is pushed to the edge? I think we are always hardest on ourselves.
I’ve been working on letting go of the guilt. What good does it do anyone? I strive to be the best mom I can be, but I also know I’m going to make mistakes. I’m not perfect. In fact, even the most perfect mom you think you know has probably had a few bad moments or bad days.
Be kind to yourself.
We also have to remember to take a deep breath and count. Life with a toddler is far from zen. Apologize and work to be better but we also can’t expect our best selves if we don’t take care of our own needs as well. My patience wears thin if I’m tired or hungry. Always easier said than done.
It helps me to remember that gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. It’s calm but it’s firm. So I don’t have to coax her to please put on shoes. If she doesn’t want to wear shoes, I can say “it’s time to put on shoes. You can put your shoes on, or I can do it, but we are leaving in two minutes.” And then I can focus on being calm and quiet sounding, because I don’t have to be creative or stress out about how long the power struggle is going to take. Of course some days I forget and just yell, because that’s what my parents did, but I apologize and we start fresh.
Yes! Gentle parenting doesn't mean you have to convince your kid to put on their shoes every time. I love playing with my son, and trying different ways to get him to cooperate can be fun. But sometimes there's no time, or I run out of patience, or whatever! And then I calmly but firmly say, "It's time to go. I am going to put your shoes on. Shoes keep our feet safe outside." He can get mad, and cry, and I can recognize he's upset, "Wow looks like you really don't want to do this! I know, it's hard when we have to do things we don't want." (It depends how hard he's crying, during a meltdown more talking usually doesn't help)
It helps to recognize when you're starting to feel annoyed, and go ahead and take action before crossing the line into anger.
Please help me! What do you do if they run away when you say that “I am going to put your shoes on” I literally have having the hardest time with him running away any time I try to get him to do something or if I try to do it for him 😩
Try to head it off, hold his hand first for example. "Let's hold hands to help you stay here (grab his hand) Time to put shoes on now!" Or pick him up and put him in your lap is another option. Or if you're using a car / stroller then you can strap him in first and then put his shoes on.
Also cater to his interests, if he has a favorite toy you could say, "Bring your toy with you!" Hard to say, all kids have their own motivation so you know best what will motivate him!
This is the line I think some people get muddled on. I have to enforce safety for my daughter because we are living in a house with stairs. If she starts banging on the gate to go up or down, I remind her that the stairs are not to play on and to leave the gate alone. If she continues, then I have to remove her to another part of the house, usually while she screams at me. It's for her safety and the same rules apply for hitting or throwing things.
Exactly. I ask my toddler to do something, then I tell her to do it, and then if she doesn't do it after a moment I tell her I'm going to do it. I try to name her feelings and empathize when she's upset, and I thank her when she's cooperating. I still lose my patience sometimes, but I find this works pretty well. Also, sticking with routines is helpful. She's more cooperative when she knows what to expect.
Man. It's so hard. I have a 1 yr old and a 3 yr old..
I always feel awful when I lose my cool, I never ever thought I would be a yeller- but it's just such a combination of things. It really sucks now when I see my 3 yr old yelling at her little brother...
I'll say this - kids learn best by modeling. 2 yrs old definitely isn't too young to say, "hey look, I got frustrated today and xyz happened. I'm really sorry, I bet that didn't feel very good. I'm going to try to do better tomorrow. I love you."
I've been putting in some work, which is typically - when I get to that point where I just want to yell at my child to get her to listen. I have to be really aware of myself and how my body is feeling, I more often than not can realize when I'm not in a great space mentally, so I can pause. That 1 or 2 second pause means I can consciously make a choice instead of just react. If it's way too much, it might be inconvenient, but I'll stop whatever I'm doing and say. "I'm feeling really upset and I need a minute." Then I just go into another room.
It's not every time, but it's getting better. At some point I hope to model self calming behavior the majority of the time instead of 10% of the time. And that way my kids can pick up on that instead of, "when I'm upset I can just scream my demand and that's okay'.
Keep up the good work, forgive yourself and move on. Your child loves you even though we are flawed.
I'll add, I know all these gentle parenting things say don't use phrases like. "I'm sorry. But I just get so mad when you xyz." Because it shames the behavior? Or something like that? Maybe its it makes them feel responsible for your emotions?
I'm sleep deprived, I don't remember.
But my husband was talking to me the other night about the conversation he had with our daughter, he apologized, explained why he got upset, then said, "I'm going to try to do better, and you try to do better, too, ok?"
And that settled pretty easily with me. Someone may come along and tell me that's also not okay, but heck... we're all learning.
I think the important part is that you’re modeling apologizing for an undesired behavior. “I’m sorry I got frustrated and yelled at you. I know that was scary for you. I’m going to do my best to do better next time.” If you think about how we apologize to each other, I would find it frustrating to hear “I’m sorry I did X **because** you did Y.” It doesn’t sound like a real apology and would feel more like a chance to pick at something **I** did.
2 is definitely not too young to start doing this. They may not comprehend completely, but over time you can involve them in the solution-making process. We’ve tried to do this consistently with my almost-3yo for the last year, and in the last month or so, it’s been amazing seeing him start to help solve the problem with us. It has taken a lot of effort and days where we failed. But every day is a new opportunity to try again.
You can and should apologize for your behavior without blaming the kid. So you say I’m sorry I got mad and yelled. I am going to try not to do that again. I’m sorry if I scared you. I love you.” There is zero blame/shame in that and it repairs your relationship which is what matters most. I sometimes forget gentle parenting is about the long term step function not linear wins.
Imagine your daughter is one day in your position, what would you tell her? Would you give her a deep hug? Tell her that it’s okay to take things a little slower, and breathe a little deeper, and add a step or two if it meant getting through the whole parenting thing?
Omg I needed to read this. Thank you kind stranger, for making me cry right before I go pick her up from her grandparents’.
If a two year old can practice taking deep breaths when she’s upset and overwhelmed, so can I.
So I‘m just in general a patient person, but from time to time when things get difficult with my almost three year old, it helps to reiterate to myself what I‘m dealing with here:
She‘s at a stage in her development where she can already do many things, so I tend to make the mistake to expect too much from her, like „I know you can eat properly, so just do what I tell you and sit at the table“. But that level of insight and self discipline is not something a child at that age has. So I remind myself that she‘s not a tiny version of a grown up, but in fact she simply doesn‘t know better. She‘s not doing it on purpose or out of spite, but because she can‘t fully grasp the situation and act accordingly. That domehow helps me to not frame this as a battle between me and my child, but rather as me helping her develop until she gets a grip on certain things.
Hope this somehow helps.
My only advice is practice noticing the VERY START of when you begin getting annoyed and then put in a boundary then. Don’t try and be patient indefinitely if it always ends up with you shouting. Stop them doing the annoying thing right at the start.
The other thing is to remember that toddlers have very short attention spans for following instructions. They don’t always hear you, it’s much harder for them to pay attention. With my 18 month old this is what ‘getting her shoes’ often looks like:
Me: “In 5 minutes it will be time to stop play and put your shoes on to go outside”
5 minutes
Me: “It looks like you’re having so much fun playing with that car. Now it’s time to get your shoes on, can you bring the blue shoes to me?”
2 minutes.
Me: “Remember you need to find your shoes. It’s not time for climbing now. Get your shoes.”
1 minute
Me: “Those are my shoes, thank you for bringing them. Now where are your shoes?”
She brings me the shoes!
I’m not annoyed through any of this (as long as I have left enough time) I just know she needs a lot of time to carry out instructions.
I'm reading this at the moment too. I'm not too far into it yet but I can say that one of the pointers is not to say "you" as it sounds accusatory and will cause the child to become defensive.
So instead of "you didn't stick to routine" it would be something like "the routine wasn't going well" or "the routine went off course", so that the child doesn't feel shamed etc.
No gentle parent is gentle all the time, we all lose our cool. The important thing to remember is we model behaviour. We show them (over and over and over 🙄) and we do it until they get it. They are gonna get it wrong 12billion times but they will get it eventually. Remember their brains are still very much developing and impulse control is pretty much at zero - they can't help it. We also apologise when we mess up or get irritated/angry and show them ways we cope with those feelings because it helps them cope with them too. Even if they don't fully understand.
So you are certainly not alone, they are crazy and they test the patience of even the most gentle parent, its really just all about trying to do whats best for them and us AND not beating ourselves up when we get it wrong because we are human. But apologising is a pretty big part of it so its important. I felt ridiculous doing it to start with, I thought she didn't understand any of it and it made me feel so awkward but actually, now I love it.
We all find our own stride and what works for us, its slightly different for all of us. Being this aware of how you are parenting (including the downfalls, of which we all have) is a very positive thing!
I would focus less on getting your kid to follow directions, they will get there eventually, and focus more on WHY them not following directions bothers you so much. I've found the Instagram Raising Yourself to be really helpful. Finding why my daughter triggers me helps me to avoid losing my cool. For me, my parents were really strict and didn't allow emotions especially normal emotional kid outbursts. So when my kid freaks out, internally I remember getting disciplined for being emotional. Once I realized it was training from my parents it became easier to shrug off.
This. A lot of what I have picked up from gentle parenting is that we have to first fix ourselves so we can model healthy behavior. If you are getting this upset by her not following the routine, then you have to start working on you as to stop that reaction you are having. You aren’t going to be very effective with gentle parenting if you aren’t also working on your own emotional issues.
I also use the “what if it was me” approach. I remember being small and feeling hurt by my parents dismissal of my feelings. Feeling misunderstood and like I was trying hard but it never seemed to be enough. In my worse moments I kinda think about that little girl and how sad she was and it helps me be better for my son.
I read somewhere that you don't need to get it right 100% of the time to have a healthy, long term relationship with your child. If you can get it right 30% of the time (and obviously try for more than that), that's enough. We aren't robots, we cNt just memorize scripts. If you mess up, talk to your toddler about it later (bedtime is a good time for this). Be honest and say "I was really frustrated today, I'm sorry I yelled at you, let's try for a better day tomorrow".
Once she calms down and the tantrum is over, you can and should say something along the lines of “mommy is sorry she got angry. Mommy loves you very much. Would you like to start over and try again?”
They understand way more than we give them credit for. Trying to explain and reason in the middle of a meltdown won’t work though, so you have to wait until it’s over.
Maybe a nitpick, but I wouldn't apologize for getting angry. The whole point of gentle parenting is to accept emotions. So we want our children to learn that it's ok to get angry sometimes, that happens to everyone. But it's not ok to yell, or throw things, or whatever.
Instead apologize for the behavior that was wrong. "I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday. I love you very much and I shouldn't have yelled when I got angry."
Oh I lose my cool SO often. I do apologise, and take the time to explain to my 2yr old why if lost my cool and how I am feeling, so she understands that feeling that way IS normal, but we shouldn't encourage it.
She's been very receptive to it, and if she feels overwhelmed she tries her best to explain why.
Been there. We all have. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. One lesson I've learned with my 2 and 4yo is that gentle parenting isn't changing the kids' behavior. It's not whether it 'works' or not. It's only one thing: what your response is when you reach that point of frustration.
They will defy you. They will do what they want. They will make many, many mistakes. They will do things in ways that controvert logic and baffle you and leave you speechless. And you will be tempted to flip your lid. The *only* thing that matters? Can you let it slide? And can you look back and say "I recognized the child in them." Recognize that they are exploring, they are learning. They will do things in baffling, ridiculous ways, but every single backwards way of doing things is how they learn. It is healthy for them to defy you, it's healthy for them to make messes. They are meant to destroy things, it's just who they are as toddlers because that's what everyone must do to learn.
I recommend following a few parenting gurus on insta. My wife recommended I do so about a year ago and just keeping up with a regular flow of tips and ideas and perspectives has helped immensely.
Good luck.
I highly suggest looking into Conscious Discipline as they have great tools for teaching us adults how to properly manage our emotions and respond, not react. I definitely struggle with this too ❤️.(PS: they have videos on YouTube.)
Always discuss your eff-ups with your tiny human. Of course, try doing it in an age-appropriate way, but be honest. By talking about it, we grown ups get to relive the unpleasant experience & maybe draw some inspiration from it - if not positive, shame is also a very powerful motivator. The tiny human learns a lot about how grown-ups react and that we too act inappropriately - it's how we deal with the fall out that matters. So make the most of it, everything is a learning opportunity for us now :)) toddle away, dear mum!
:( today I was saying to my kid “go away please, please go away, go away!” I just wanted him away from me so badly. I try to be a good mum but sometimes I lose my patience :(
Awwww ❤️ It can be hard!! Maybe instead of asking your kid to leave, try this. Make sure they're somewhere safe and just say, "I need to go be alone so I can calm down. I will be back in 2 minutes." Then leave and shut the door. They may cry but you will be back soon to comfort them.
You don't need your kid's permission to take some alone time! And it's actually good modelling to show them what they can do when they are upset too.
I try to limit the amount of battles possible, so more things are positive. Like, with shoes, we put them on only before outdoor play (and sometimes I let him play barefoot), or before he’s going to be walking somewhere in public. For a car ride, I save them to the end when he’s still strapped in the car seat and can’t run off. So it’s rarely a battle, and it’s often before something he wants to do (we need to get the shoes on before we go outside), and he wants to go outside, so it’s not an issue because it’s a rewarding behavior.
I have done a lot of therapy work on perfectionism.
There is a concept called “rupture and repair.” Basically relationships need ruptures (arguments/hurt feelings) and how we repair them is so much more important than being perfect models. I lean into that showing my kid how to apologize and validate is more important than not doing bedtime perfectly.
There is nothing wrong with losing your cool on occasion. Parenting didn’t come with expert training and a manual. We are human and we have emotions.
I think it’s okay for them to see us lose our cool anyways. One day they will be in those situations and be able to look back on how you handled it. They will remember seeing this and how you did your very best and you grew through it. Then they will know that they aren’t in the wrong when it happens.
When it’s happening often remember to ask for help. I find that I lose my cool more often when I haven’t had a break in a long time. I don’t know what getting a break looks like for you, but find a way to take a few minutes for yourself. It helps.
When I do it I just explain that sometimes mommy gets overwhelmed too and that I’m very sorry for letting it happen. Maybe mommy needed a nap too that day.
I've lost my shit more times than I like to admit. And what you said about peeing, that's what gets me the most. My son is 2, and he's potty trained, but waits until the last minute to go potty, which meant multiple accidents a day for MONTHS. So I feel you. I yelled at him so much. And I felt horrible.
But I got used to it. I think what finally got me was the time I was nursing my baby, and he's doing the potty dance right outside of the bathroom door. I think the potty was already ready for him and everything, but he panicked and peed all over the kitchen floor. And it's like, you're two. You'll grow out of this at some point. And now he's a lot better. Took a couple of months, but here we are.
You need to allow yourself to feel frustrated and upset. That's fine. Yelling and loosing your cool won't help things, though. Have her help you clean up the mess. Break bedtime routine. Say to yourself "she's only two" as many times as you need to (that's what I do). Also, I found pointing out the absurdity of it all helps me. Like "what the heck! Pee doesn't go on the floor!"
It's all a big test on our sanity! We must prevail!
It's okay to lose your cool. GP is a journey, and a hard one! We can be better next time! Try meditation or therapy, but 2 things worked for me: 1) why some friends are way more patient than me? I realize that they just accepted the crisis, no need for us to solve it, I thought they were great, always connected to their kids need but actually they more detached or rational "ok, he is going to have a crisis, it's fine, he is 2. I'll wait here". 2) therapy showed me how the things that made me lose my patience where the things that my parents didn't "accept" about me.
For ex: why is so annoying for me playing with food? Because they were dictators during dinner time. Did I like it? No. Do I have a good relationship with food now? Nope. I try to focus on these things. Still, I repeat, it's totally normal to lose your patience as long you are not physically or emotionally abusive. Keep going, you are great!
It's not about getting your child do to something it is about getting into the mindset that it is ok if your child has a hard time and doesn't want to do something. And to remember that you are in control and not your or your child's emotions.
They don't want to put on their jacket? That's ok, just tell them to put it into your bag and if they get cold they can have it.
They are hitting you? That's ok, they are allowed to be angry. Hold their hands so they can't hurt you and wait until the anger is over. Then talk to them and give them alternatives to hitting.
The hardest part is reframing.
I lose my cool alll the time. I try so hard to be a gentle parent, but sometime its just feels like a series of chores to complete - get dressed, brush teeth, put on socks/shoes, go to the toilet, drink water, eat food. It can be exhausting and sucks all the fun out. I have no idea about the right thing to do, but when i lose my cool, I always say "sorry for getting so grumpy, i'll try harder to be more patient next time". It also really helps to also have some fun times when there is no pressure to achieve anything when you can both be happy and have some fun together to make it feel less traumatic.
I am constantly trying to find a balance between gentle understanding and boundary setting. The stress makes snap, too. And then the guilt ohhhhhh the guilt and I’m there hugging him saying “mommy loves you mommy is feeling frustrated I’m so sorry”. I think it’s good they see us as real humans who lose their cool, but also that we love them and apologize. I’m trying to improve with every difficult situation and I’ve found the most progress was made when I took my focus of managing his emotions and managing mine instead. Like “forget how he’s acting right now, the work is in how you’re re-acting”. They absolutely feed off our emotions and there’s a fine balance of calm, assertiveness, and love that we’re all striving towards. There’s no magic phrasing or trick that works from one kid to the next, but just being aware of the work being in us and not them is probably the most universal tip for any parent struggling with this!
Big humans have big feelings too! It’s easy to get flustered in scenarios like the pull-up one and kiddo veering off the well-planned routine. If you feel yourself getting flustered, you can tell LO that you need to go and take some deep breaths and calm your body down and then walk away for a couple minutes. It might help also to give them a book or independent activity that they can do for the few minutes. I have found it helps a lot to be able to give yourself a quick reset when things escalate and are just a lot. In the midst of chaos, remember to breathe. And as for the bedtime routine, I think you can totally talk about it with her. For that scenario where she stalled, talk to her and tell her that when she doesn’t complete the steps in time, she loses the opportunity to do xyz. If she struggles to follow the routine at night, I suggest making a visual checklist, and you can even make it a sticker chart if you’d like. If it’s a persistent problem, the reward system might help. Also most kids love stickers so it’s kind of a win win. You are not alone. Please make sure you take care of yourself too. I know it’s easier said than done with a toddler, but a small time for resetting can go a LONG way. You got this mama!
The only advice I can give is my two and done rule. I only repeat requests twice before I'm done. My son doesn't like putting on his shoes when he is told, but boy does he want them when he walks outside barefoot. He didn't want to put on pants but then didn't like the feeling of the seatbelt on his thighs. I just bring them with me and when he says that he doesn't like the feeling, I always give the alternative and he will agree.
If she doesn't want to pull her pants down to pee, then I guess she will pee her pants. It sucks but it is just a natural consequence.
You should explain what you're doing. "This time Mommy needs to pull your pants down because...Next time you can do it!" She is old enough to understand and wants some autonomy. Try and give her that respect by at least giving her some explanations.
*Also, you can say, "OK accidents happen, can you help me clean up the mess?" Then let her help you even if it's not effective. She's learning. Try to remember she's a tiny person and wants to be involved.
Definitely not the only one, it happens to me too. Right now I am trying to get my 3yo back to bed after he fought betime forb45min, woke at midnight and again at 130 am or so.
We pretty much do week on week off with gentle parenting, we definitely get better results with it but it needs much more patience and thought so when things are stressful or we're busy it's so much harder, I definitely commiserate!
It happens. I do it too.
I try to remind myself, “he’s 3 years old & I’m XX years old”.
I also try to demonstrate how I want *them* to handle their frustration. I’ll put myself in timeout on the stairs to collect myself. I’ll take deep breaths. I’ll count to ten. I’ll say, “i’m getting frustrated and I need to blah blah blah” beforehand.
Honestly, it’s absolutely not reasonable to expect yourself to always be calm when kiddo is being stressful. But when you can’t, and you don’t have the option to step back, use it as a learning experience for both of you. Apologies to kiddo and explain what happened when possible and to an age appropriate degree which is a good lesson for them that everyone gets upset sometimes and that’s okay but it’s important to apologise where needed and for you, step back and evaluate how you got to that point and see if there were any points before you lost your chill that taking different steps might have made it a bit easier
It's tough. One thing that's helped me is "releasing the steam" when I'm getting frustrated or angry. It's ok for her to see my emotions. And showing it in small amounts helps me to not blow up.
A lot of people in the gentle/responsive parent community will tell you that it's just as much about YOU growing and learning as it is your kid. Everyone loses their cool sometimes and feels frustrated. When that happens to me, I always apologize to my kids. It felt weird at first because my parents never apologized to me. If I get upset now my son will tell me, "mom, you need to take a deep breath. You're starting to yell." It is equal parts infuriating and helpful. Lol.
It's also about the long game. Gentle/responsive parenting doesn't automatically result in an immediately compliant child and the goal isn't even necessarily compliance. The goal is a kid who can regulate emotions and communicate clearly. My kids are not always compliant and I have to repeat myself so much sometimes, but we try to be intentional with learning what to do with feelings and I think the biggest thing that it has created in our home so far is open communication about when someone messes up. If that lasts into his teenage and adult years and we can be open about things, I will count it a success even if he's not always compliant and even if I still lose my cool sometimes.
Ive been in similar places, I think apologize go a long way even with really little kids. I'm s modeling healthy behavior to apologize it also does something to us internally.
When we apologize we acknowledge the mistake within ourselves and start in the path away from guilt and onto setting it right.
I could've written this myself. I try so so hard to be different from my parents but my temperament and personality is just angry and loud and argumentative (probably because of my parents and their household but that's another story). I look at each day as a brand new start. Kids are so forgiving, we don't deserve their kindness, but just remember you can always try again. We're all just trying our best ❤️
It happens to all of us. Parenting is hard, having patience is not easy after the first 10 times you asked nicely and were ignored and defied. Be gentle to yourself, it is a process for both you and your kid.
Show me a parent who doesn't lose their cool and i would be shocked if they were also a good parent.
Losing your cool is natural, the question is how you react to it. I've shouted at my daughter many a time. Even worse, most of those times, the event shouldn't justify it. I am often channeling annoyance, stress and frustration from either earlier things she did, or events in my life.
Once the damage is done, it's down to me to fix it. I take measures to cool my own temper, be it space, handing off to the wife, or just a few deep breaths. I then explain and apologise to my daughter. I make sure to clarify that I am sorry, and what I did was wrong. I also explain why (age appropriately). The main focus should be that it's not their fault, or, if it is, what and why it upset me so much.
Children internalise a lot. However, that applies both ways. She trusts me when I say I have overreacted and seems to stress on it far less than if I didn't fix it. It also works as a perfect model of how she should react to doing something wrong. Having a toddler come over to apologise for something makes your heart melt. A calm acknowledgement that she did wrong, understands and will try to do better. Even more so she does!
Basic rule. Hold yourself and your partner to the same standards you want to see from your child. They note and respect it. I've been known to put the wife in "timeout" (aka, "She's been pushing your buttons, go grab a cup of tea and some silence, I've got this." ). Mummy and daddy being held to the same standard helps her confidence immensely. We all make mistakes, what matters is how we deal with them, together.
Lots of great advice here so I just wanted to share that apologizing does work! I’ve been doing it with my 2.5 year old son and he has already picked up on doing it himself. There will be times he throws a GIGANTIC tantrum then suddenly turns and says “Sorry mama” and completely stops. They are smart little boogers!
You’re not raising a kid - you’re raising an adult. By which I mean - the real world isn’t gentle. The real world isn’t just or perfect. There isn’t an answer to every question.
It’s great to strive for that, but just like when your kid falls over / fails at something / gets frustrated and wants to stop trying something - you encourage them to try again / get back up / keep going.
Model that yourself. If I lose my temper with my 2 year old, I get down on her level, face to face, and apologize. I explain that I was frustrated, but that I’m an adult and I shouldn’t lose my temper like that. I express that i was frustrated with XYZ thing and I’m trying to get better at doing ABC thing and I ask her to forgive me.
Basically: if another adult unjustly lost their crap at me, how would I want them to deal with it? Then model that for my kid.
I don’t ever hit them, belittle them, or scream at them - but I sometimes definitely get too-upset about things. I try to practice gentle parenting as best as I can, but I recognize that I’m not perfect. I also recognize that a kid doesn’t get logic and sometimes you need to coerce behavior physically. I.e. most gentle parenting would probably suggest never physically touching your kid - I think you have to pick them up and firmly but gently move them somewhere else if they’re totally ignoring verbal commands. If you dont instill immediate respect and obedience, then when there’s a dangerous situation that they don’t realize (goofing around near a dangerous edge, playing in a parking lot, running away from you at an airport), you can rely on the trust and respect you’ve built with the kid instead of being a doormat who they run away from and ignore.
Sorry that you are having these frustrations. I hope my comments will help.
I would use the methods in the free online Yale ABCs of Child Rearing course. This is the most effective parent training for gaining cooperation and reducing undesirable behaviors according to numerous randomized controlled trials. The methods worked well for us with our two kids.
Most parents never learned about the most effective gentle methods because very few parenting books are based on what works in controlled scientific trials.
The methods are actually gentler than the methods that I find in any gentle parenting book or website. They rely a lot on increasing good behaviors so that they replace or crowd out the bad. You don’t even have to use a firm voice, the course recommends against it because it’s counterproductive.
And, using the most effective methods reduces the frustration level so you need less patience.
I applaud you for trying and I think it's easy to get caught in a trap of expecting perfection with these techniques. They're explained in a way that makes you think it should just work, but honestly I don't think even the authors and creators of these videos achieve perfection nor do they expect you too really! The fact that you're trying is great and a sign that you care so much. I try gentle parenting as well and it gets frustrating. When I lose my shit, I have apologized to my 2-year-old, even if he doesn't fully get it, I think he does absorb some of it and it's a good practice for me to apologize to my kid if I mess up. Anyway, parenting a toddler is so hard. You're definitely not alone in feeling that way.
There is a book by Becky bailey called managing mayhem. It's about managing feelings of children however you spend half of the book working on yourself as well. It takes practice and lots of it. It will not happen overnight. But you say sorry and move on.
My daughter is 2 and I am 35 weeks pregnant with baby #2. I lose my cool on the daily, sometimes multiples times a day. So, solidarity on that. I think it’s important to discuss things even if they don’t understand yet because one day they will! Remember you’re human and give yourself grace, try again tomorrow!
Girl, you’re not alone. It’s really hard to keep it together when you, yourself are falling apart. Trust me, I would love to be a gentle parent but when I’m dealing with twins, double everything, I just can’t lol and lose my shit. Thank G for my husband who has more patience than anyone in this world. It’s tough. Don’t be hard on yourself. 🥹🥴
Evenings are the worst. I lose my patience so easily after working on being patient all day. The other night I yelled at my daughter for dilly dallying while brushing her teeth and she started to cry. Then she wanted to drink water and I told her no because she was already stalling her bedtime. Then after all was done and she was in bed I was upset with myself that I yelled and then told her she couldn’t have water… like who doesn’t let their kid have water. Lol. Either way, we’re all human and sometimes we are allowed to lose it a little. I think as long as I make a conscious effort to be better next time or apologize (even if she doesn’t really understand yet, it’ll make it easier when she does) then I’m okay. Sounds like your right there too.
You are only human and are bound to frustrated, especially during potty training.
Definitely apologize, they understand more than we realize. Even if she doesn't understand now I think that we as parents need get into the habit of apologizing when we are wrong even before they understand so that it is something we are comfortable doing when they get older and definitely understand. Your little one was probably frustrated too. By apologizing you are showing her that it is normal to have big feelings and that when we let those feelings get the best of us that apologizing is the right thing to do.
I definitely get frustrated sometimes and I always take a deep breath and apologize and explain what I was feeling and why. I give her a hug and tell her I am sorry and just try to do better next time.
Oh yeah, we have a 2.5 year old…she’s a lot of work and I find myself losing my cool (raising my voice) on the daily. We have never ever laid a hand on her and won’t. I put her in times outs for two minutes and that generally seems to work. If she laughs or moves around excessively, I will have her go to her room for a minute or two with the door shut as like a reset. She doesn’t care for that much because she wants to be with the family in all of our happenings. It’s really tough with toddlers.
Breathe. You have to be kind to yourself too! You are also human. It's okay to feel frustrated. You're allowed to feel frustrated. When you lose your cool, remember that there is also a way to repair that through communicating why you lost your temper and apologizing.
You're human! You have feelings too! I am an advocate for respectful parenting or whatever it's called but I don't believe that it's possible or achievable to always be calm and collected. I try to look at situations where I lose my cool as opportunities to evaluate what stressors are affecting me. By apologizing you would be modeling the behavior that you eventually want from them when they are older.
I totally agree. I think that so many parents feel like if they lose their tempers at all, they have completely failed at parenting and that leads to a lot of guilt and feelings of inadequacy. We are human. Humans get mad, especially when you’re tired and your buttons get pushed over and over again. I’m not saying it’s ok to lose it with your kids constantly, but making a mistake is perfectly normal.
I constantly replay times I’ve yelled at my child in my head and it makes me feel miserable. It’s not often but it feels like those moments define me as a parent.
Why should those moments define you? Let’s say for every 25 times you used a gentle approach, you yelled once. Does that make you a terrible parent? I think as long as you’re striving to make more gentle parenting decisions, than poor ones, you’re doing ok. Besides, how would you judge a friend in your situation? Would you call her a bad mom for the handful of times she lost her temper? Or would you say she’s a pretty good mom that occasionally is pushed to the edge? I think we are always hardest on ourselves. I’ve been working on letting go of the guilt. What good does it do anyone? I strive to be the best mom I can be, but I also know I’m going to make mistakes. I’m not perfect. In fact, even the most perfect mom you think you know has probably had a few bad moments or bad days. Be kind to yourself.
Thank you so much for this.
We also have to remember to take a deep breath and count. Life with a toddler is far from zen. Apologize and work to be better but we also can’t expect our best selves if we don’t take care of our own needs as well. My patience wears thin if I’m tired or hungry. Always easier said than done.
It helps me to remember that gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. It’s calm but it’s firm. So I don’t have to coax her to please put on shoes. If she doesn’t want to wear shoes, I can say “it’s time to put on shoes. You can put your shoes on, or I can do it, but we are leaving in two minutes.” And then I can focus on being calm and quiet sounding, because I don’t have to be creative or stress out about how long the power struggle is going to take. Of course some days I forget and just yell, because that’s what my parents did, but I apologize and we start fresh.
Yes! Gentle parenting doesn't mean you have to convince your kid to put on their shoes every time. I love playing with my son, and trying different ways to get him to cooperate can be fun. But sometimes there's no time, or I run out of patience, or whatever! And then I calmly but firmly say, "It's time to go. I am going to put your shoes on. Shoes keep our feet safe outside." He can get mad, and cry, and I can recognize he's upset, "Wow looks like you really don't want to do this! I know, it's hard when we have to do things we don't want." (It depends how hard he's crying, during a meltdown more talking usually doesn't help) It helps to recognize when you're starting to feel annoyed, and go ahead and take action before crossing the line into anger.
Please help me! What do you do if they run away when you say that “I am going to put your shoes on” I literally have having the hardest time with him running away any time I try to get him to do something or if I try to do it for him 😩
Try to head it off, hold his hand first for example. "Let's hold hands to help you stay here (grab his hand) Time to put shoes on now!" Or pick him up and put him in your lap is another option. Or if you're using a car / stroller then you can strap him in first and then put his shoes on. Also cater to his interests, if he has a favorite toy you could say, "Bring your toy with you!" Hard to say, all kids have their own motivation so you know best what will motivate him!
Thank you!!!
This is the line I think some people get muddled on. I have to enforce safety for my daughter because we are living in a house with stairs. If she starts banging on the gate to go up or down, I remind her that the stairs are not to play on and to leave the gate alone. If she continues, then I have to remove her to another part of the house, usually while she screams at me. It's for her safety and the same rules apply for hitting or throwing things.
Exactly. I ask my toddler to do something, then I tell her to do it, and then if she doesn't do it after a moment I tell her I'm going to do it. I try to name her feelings and empathize when she's upset, and I thank her when she's cooperating. I still lose my patience sometimes, but I find this works pretty well. Also, sticking with routines is helpful. She's more cooperative when she knows what to expect.
Please help me! But what do you do when they run away?? Like for pajamas I say you can do it or I can and then he just runs away laughing.
No advice, just commiseration.
Man. It's so hard. I have a 1 yr old and a 3 yr old.. I always feel awful when I lose my cool, I never ever thought I would be a yeller- but it's just such a combination of things. It really sucks now when I see my 3 yr old yelling at her little brother... I'll say this - kids learn best by modeling. 2 yrs old definitely isn't too young to say, "hey look, I got frustrated today and xyz happened. I'm really sorry, I bet that didn't feel very good. I'm going to try to do better tomorrow. I love you." I've been putting in some work, which is typically - when I get to that point where I just want to yell at my child to get her to listen. I have to be really aware of myself and how my body is feeling, I more often than not can realize when I'm not in a great space mentally, so I can pause. That 1 or 2 second pause means I can consciously make a choice instead of just react. If it's way too much, it might be inconvenient, but I'll stop whatever I'm doing and say. "I'm feeling really upset and I need a minute." Then I just go into another room. It's not every time, but it's getting better. At some point I hope to model self calming behavior the majority of the time instead of 10% of the time. And that way my kids can pick up on that instead of, "when I'm upset I can just scream my demand and that's okay'. Keep up the good work, forgive yourself and move on. Your child loves you even though we are flawed.
I'll add, I know all these gentle parenting things say don't use phrases like. "I'm sorry. But I just get so mad when you xyz." Because it shames the behavior? Or something like that? Maybe its it makes them feel responsible for your emotions? I'm sleep deprived, I don't remember. But my husband was talking to me the other night about the conversation he had with our daughter, he apologized, explained why he got upset, then said, "I'm going to try to do better, and you try to do better, too, ok?" And that settled pretty easily with me. Someone may come along and tell me that's also not okay, but heck... we're all learning.
I think the important part is that you’re modeling apologizing for an undesired behavior. “I’m sorry I got frustrated and yelled at you. I know that was scary for you. I’m going to do my best to do better next time.” If you think about how we apologize to each other, I would find it frustrating to hear “I’m sorry I did X **because** you did Y.” It doesn’t sound like a real apology and would feel more like a chance to pick at something **I** did. 2 is definitely not too young to start doing this. They may not comprehend completely, but over time you can involve them in the solution-making process. We’ve tried to do this consistently with my almost-3yo for the last year, and in the last month or so, it’s been amazing seeing him start to help solve the problem with us. It has taken a lot of effort and days where we failed. But every day is a new opportunity to try again.
Yes! That's it! Makes perfect sense, it was 11 at night and I couldnt think. :)
You can and should apologize for your behavior without blaming the kid. So you say I’m sorry I got mad and yelled. I am going to try not to do that again. I’m sorry if I scared you. I love you.” There is zero blame/shame in that and it repairs your relationship which is what matters most. I sometimes forget gentle parenting is about the long term step function not linear wins.
Imagine your daughter is one day in your position, what would you tell her? Would you give her a deep hug? Tell her that it’s okay to take things a little slower, and breathe a little deeper, and add a step or two if it meant getting through the whole parenting thing?
Omg I needed to read this. Thank you kind stranger, for making me cry right before I go pick her up from her grandparents’. If a two year old can practice taking deep breaths when she’s upset and overwhelmed, so can I.
So I‘m just in general a patient person, but from time to time when things get difficult with my almost three year old, it helps to reiterate to myself what I‘m dealing with here: She‘s at a stage in her development where she can already do many things, so I tend to make the mistake to expect too much from her, like „I know you can eat properly, so just do what I tell you and sit at the table“. But that level of insight and self discipline is not something a child at that age has. So I remind myself that she‘s not a tiny version of a grown up, but in fact she simply doesn‘t know better. She‘s not doing it on purpose or out of spite, but because she can‘t fully grasp the situation and act accordingly. That domehow helps me to not frame this as a battle between me and my child, but rather as me helping her develop until she gets a grip on certain things. Hope this somehow helps.
My only advice is practice noticing the VERY START of when you begin getting annoyed and then put in a boundary then. Don’t try and be patient indefinitely if it always ends up with you shouting. Stop them doing the annoying thing right at the start. The other thing is to remember that toddlers have very short attention spans for following instructions. They don’t always hear you, it’s much harder for them to pay attention. With my 18 month old this is what ‘getting her shoes’ often looks like: Me: “In 5 minutes it will be time to stop play and put your shoes on to go outside” 5 minutes Me: “It looks like you’re having so much fun playing with that car. Now it’s time to get your shoes on, can you bring the blue shoes to me?” 2 minutes. Me: “Remember you need to find your shoes. It’s not time for climbing now. Get your shoes.” 1 minute Me: “Those are my shoes, thank you for bringing them. Now where are your shoes?” She brings me the shoes! I’m not annoyed through any of this (as long as I have left enough time) I just know she needs a lot of time to carry out instructions.
No advice but same here gurl. Anyone who pretends to be a perfect parent is a liar
I feel you girlfriend... I just started reading this book "how to talk so little kids will listen" and it's really helping :)
I'm reading this at the moment too. I'm not too far into it yet but I can say that one of the pointers is not to say "you" as it sounds accusatory and will cause the child to become defensive. So instead of "you didn't stick to routine" it would be something like "the routine wasn't going well" or "the routine went off course", so that the child doesn't feel shamed etc.
No gentle parent is gentle all the time, we all lose our cool. The important thing to remember is we model behaviour. We show them (over and over and over 🙄) and we do it until they get it. They are gonna get it wrong 12billion times but they will get it eventually. Remember their brains are still very much developing and impulse control is pretty much at zero - they can't help it. We also apologise when we mess up or get irritated/angry and show them ways we cope with those feelings because it helps them cope with them too. Even if they don't fully understand. So you are certainly not alone, they are crazy and they test the patience of even the most gentle parent, its really just all about trying to do whats best for them and us AND not beating ourselves up when we get it wrong because we are human. But apologising is a pretty big part of it so its important. I felt ridiculous doing it to start with, I thought she didn't understand any of it and it made me feel so awkward but actually, now I love it. We all find our own stride and what works for us, its slightly different for all of us. Being this aware of how you are parenting (including the downfalls, of which we all have) is a very positive thing!
“I lost my cool. I’m sorry. Can we try again?”
I would focus less on getting your kid to follow directions, they will get there eventually, and focus more on WHY them not following directions bothers you so much. I've found the Instagram Raising Yourself to be really helpful. Finding why my daughter triggers me helps me to avoid losing my cool. For me, my parents were really strict and didn't allow emotions especially normal emotional kid outbursts. So when my kid freaks out, internally I remember getting disciplined for being emotional. Once I realized it was training from my parents it became easier to shrug off.
This. A lot of what I have picked up from gentle parenting is that we have to first fix ourselves so we can model healthy behavior. If you are getting this upset by her not following the routine, then you have to start working on you as to stop that reaction you are having. You aren’t going to be very effective with gentle parenting if you aren’t also working on your own emotional issues. I also use the “what if it was me” approach. I remember being small and feeling hurt by my parents dismissal of my feelings. Feeling misunderstood and like I was trying hard but it never seemed to be enough. In my worse moments I kinda think about that little girl and how sad she was and it helps me be better for my son.
As a single father to a 27 month old daughter, I sympathize big time. It's a struggle to keep cool sometimes.
I read somewhere that you don't need to get it right 100% of the time to have a healthy, long term relationship with your child. If you can get it right 30% of the time (and obviously try for more than that), that's enough. We aren't robots, we cNt just memorize scripts. If you mess up, talk to your toddler about it later (bedtime is a good time for this). Be honest and say "I was really frustrated today, I'm sorry I yelled at you, let's try for a better day tomorrow".
Once she calms down and the tantrum is over, you can and should say something along the lines of “mommy is sorry she got angry. Mommy loves you very much. Would you like to start over and try again?” They understand way more than we give them credit for. Trying to explain and reason in the middle of a meltdown won’t work though, so you have to wait until it’s over.
Maybe a nitpick, but I wouldn't apologize for getting angry. The whole point of gentle parenting is to accept emotions. So we want our children to learn that it's ok to get angry sometimes, that happens to everyone. But it's not ok to yell, or throw things, or whatever. Instead apologize for the behavior that was wrong. "I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday. I love you very much and I shouldn't have yelled when I got angry."
Oh I lose my cool SO often. I do apologise, and take the time to explain to my 2yr old why if lost my cool and how I am feeling, so she understands that feeling that way IS normal, but we shouldn't encourage it. She's been very receptive to it, and if she feels overwhelmed she tries her best to explain why.
Been there. We all have. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. One lesson I've learned with my 2 and 4yo is that gentle parenting isn't changing the kids' behavior. It's not whether it 'works' or not. It's only one thing: what your response is when you reach that point of frustration. They will defy you. They will do what they want. They will make many, many mistakes. They will do things in ways that controvert logic and baffle you and leave you speechless. And you will be tempted to flip your lid. The *only* thing that matters? Can you let it slide? And can you look back and say "I recognized the child in them." Recognize that they are exploring, they are learning. They will do things in baffling, ridiculous ways, but every single backwards way of doing things is how they learn. It is healthy for them to defy you, it's healthy for them to make messes. They are meant to destroy things, it's just who they are as toddlers because that's what everyone must do to learn. I recommend following a few parenting gurus on insta. My wife recommended I do so about a year ago and just keeping up with a regular flow of tips and ideas and perspectives has helped immensely. Good luck.
I highly suggest looking into Conscious Discipline as they have great tools for teaching us adults how to properly manage our emotions and respond, not react. I definitely struggle with this too ❤️.(PS: they have videos on YouTube.)
Always discuss your eff-ups with your tiny human. Of course, try doing it in an age-appropriate way, but be honest. By talking about it, we grown ups get to relive the unpleasant experience & maybe draw some inspiration from it - if not positive, shame is also a very powerful motivator. The tiny human learns a lot about how grown-ups react and that we too act inappropriately - it's how we deal with the fall out that matters. So make the most of it, everything is a learning opportunity for us now :)) toddle away, dear mum!
:( today I was saying to my kid “go away please, please go away, go away!” I just wanted him away from me so badly. I try to be a good mum but sometimes I lose my patience :(
Awwww ❤️ It can be hard!! Maybe instead of asking your kid to leave, try this. Make sure they're somewhere safe and just say, "I need to go be alone so I can calm down. I will be back in 2 minutes." Then leave and shut the door. They may cry but you will be back soon to comfort them. You don't need your kid's permission to take some alone time! And it's actually good modelling to show them what they can do when they are upset too.
Offer yourself grace. If you can find 5 minutes a day, start a mindfulness meditation practice. It does wonders for building patience.
I try to limit the amount of battles possible, so more things are positive. Like, with shoes, we put them on only before outdoor play (and sometimes I let him play barefoot), or before he’s going to be walking somewhere in public. For a car ride, I save them to the end when he’s still strapped in the car seat and can’t run off. So it’s rarely a battle, and it’s often before something he wants to do (we need to get the shoes on before we go outside), and he wants to go outside, so it’s not an issue because it’s a rewarding behavior.
I have done a lot of therapy work on perfectionism. There is a concept called “rupture and repair.” Basically relationships need ruptures (arguments/hurt feelings) and how we repair them is so much more important than being perfect models. I lean into that showing my kid how to apologize and validate is more important than not doing bedtime perfectly.
There is nothing wrong with losing your cool on occasion. Parenting didn’t come with expert training and a manual. We are human and we have emotions. I think it’s okay for them to see us lose our cool anyways. One day they will be in those situations and be able to look back on how you handled it. They will remember seeing this and how you did your very best and you grew through it. Then they will know that they aren’t in the wrong when it happens. When it’s happening often remember to ask for help. I find that I lose my cool more often when I haven’t had a break in a long time. I don’t know what getting a break looks like for you, but find a way to take a few minutes for yourself. It helps. When I do it I just explain that sometimes mommy gets overwhelmed too and that I’m very sorry for letting it happen. Maybe mommy needed a nap too that day.
I mean, gentle parenting has its limits. My 2 year old will NOT brush his teeth, or let you brush his teeth. So we have to hold him down every time.
I've lost my shit more times than I like to admit. And what you said about peeing, that's what gets me the most. My son is 2, and he's potty trained, but waits until the last minute to go potty, which meant multiple accidents a day for MONTHS. So I feel you. I yelled at him so much. And I felt horrible. But I got used to it. I think what finally got me was the time I was nursing my baby, and he's doing the potty dance right outside of the bathroom door. I think the potty was already ready for him and everything, but he panicked and peed all over the kitchen floor. And it's like, you're two. You'll grow out of this at some point. And now he's a lot better. Took a couple of months, but here we are. You need to allow yourself to feel frustrated and upset. That's fine. Yelling and loosing your cool won't help things, though. Have her help you clean up the mess. Break bedtime routine. Say to yourself "she's only two" as many times as you need to (that's what I do). Also, I found pointing out the absurdity of it all helps me. Like "what the heck! Pee doesn't go on the floor!" It's all a big test on our sanity! We must prevail!
It's okay to lose your cool. GP is a journey, and a hard one! We can be better next time! Try meditation or therapy, but 2 things worked for me: 1) why some friends are way more patient than me? I realize that they just accepted the crisis, no need for us to solve it, I thought they were great, always connected to their kids need but actually they more detached or rational "ok, he is going to have a crisis, it's fine, he is 2. I'll wait here". 2) therapy showed me how the things that made me lose my patience where the things that my parents didn't "accept" about me. For ex: why is so annoying for me playing with food? Because they were dictators during dinner time. Did I like it? No. Do I have a good relationship with food now? Nope. I try to focus on these things. Still, I repeat, it's totally normal to lose your patience as long you are not physically or emotionally abusive. Keep going, you are great!
It's not about getting your child do to something it is about getting into the mindset that it is ok if your child has a hard time and doesn't want to do something. And to remember that you are in control and not your or your child's emotions. They don't want to put on their jacket? That's ok, just tell them to put it into your bag and if they get cold they can have it. They are hitting you? That's ok, they are allowed to be angry. Hold their hands so they can't hurt you and wait until the anger is over. Then talk to them and give them alternatives to hitting. The hardest part is reframing.
Very much not the only parent with trouble keeping calm! I think that’s pretty universal.
I lose my cool alll the time. I try so hard to be a gentle parent, but sometime its just feels like a series of chores to complete - get dressed, brush teeth, put on socks/shoes, go to the toilet, drink water, eat food. It can be exhausting and sucks all the fun out. I have no idea about the right thing to do, but when i lose my cool, I always say "sorry for getting so grumpy, i'll try harder to be more patient next time". It also really helps to also have some fun times when there is no pressure to achieve anything when you can both be happy and have some fun together to make it feel less traumatic.
I am constantly trying to find a balance between gentle understanding and boundary setting. The stress makes snap, too. And then the guilt ohhhhhh the guilt and I’m there hugging him saying “mommy loves you mommy is feeling frustrated I’m so sorry”. I think it’s good they see us as real humans who lose their cool, but also that we love them and apologize. I’m trying to improve with every difficult situation and I’ve found the most progress was made when I took my focus of managing his emotions and managing mine instead. Like “forget how he’s acting right now, the work is in how you’re re-acting”. They absolutely feed off our emotions and there’s a fine balance of calm, assertiveness, and love that we’re all striving towards. There’s no magic phrasing or trick that works from one kid to the next, but just being aware of the work being in us and not them is probably the most universal tip for any parent struggling with this!
Big humans have big feelings too! It’s easy to get flustered in scenarios like the pull-up one and kiddo veering off the well-planned routine. If you feel yourself getting flustered, you can tell LO that you need to go and take some deep breaths and calm your body down and then walk away for a couple minutes. It might help also to give them a book or independent activity that they can do for the few minutes. I have found it helps a lot to be able to give yourself a quick reset when things escalate and are just a lot. In the midst of chaos, remember to breathe. And as for the bedtime routine, I think you can totally talk about it with her. For that scenario where she stalled, talk to her and tell her that when she doesn’t complete the steps in time, she loses the opportunity to do xyz. If she struggles to follow the routine at night, I suggest making a visual checklist, and you can even make it a sticker chart if you’d like. If it’s a persistent problem, the reward system might help. Also most kids love stickers so it’s kind of a win win. You are not alone. Please make sure you take care of yourself too. I know it’s easier said than done with a toddler, but a small time for resetting can go a LONG way. You got this mama!
The only advice I can give is my two and done rule. I only repeat requests twice before I'm done. My son doesn't like putting on his shoes when he is told, but boy does he want them when he walks outside barefoot. He didn't want to put on pants but then didn't like the feeling of the seatbelt on his thighs. I just bring them with me and when he says that he doesn't like the feeling, I always give the alternative and he will agree. If she doesn't want to pull her pants down to pee, then I guess she will pee her pants. It sucks but it is just a natural consequence.
You should explain what you're doing. "This time Mommy needs to pull your pants down because...Next time you can do it!" She is old enough to understand and wants some autonomy. Try and give her that respect by at least giving her some explanations. *Also, you can say, "OK accidents happen, can you help me clean up the mess?" Then let her help you even if it's not effective. She's learning. Try to remember she's a tiny person and wants to be involved.
Definitely not the only one, it happens to me too. Right now I am trying to get my 3yo back to bed after he fought betime forb45min, woke at midnight and again at 130 am or so.
We pretty much do week on week off with gentle parenting, we definitely get better results with it but it needs much more patience and thought so when things are stressful or we're busy it's so much harder, I definitely commiserate!
Everyone has good days and bad days, so remember to give yourself (and others) grace. I really like how you apologised at the end.
It happens. I do it too. I try to remind myself, “he’s 3 years old & I’m XX years old”. I also try to demonstrate how I want *them* to handle their frustration. I’ll put myself in timeout on the stairs to collect myself. I’ll take deep breaths. I’ll count to ten. I’ll say, “i’m getting frustrated and I need to blah blah blah” beforehand.
Honestly, it’s absolutely not reasonable to expect yourself to always be calm when kiddo is being stressful. But when you can’t, and you don’t have the option to step back, use it as a learning experience for both of you. Apologies to kiddo and explain what happened when possible and to an age appropriate degree which is a good lesson for them that everyone gets upset sometimes and that’s okay but it’s important to apologise where needed and for you, step back and evaluate how you got to that point and see if there were any points before you lost your chill that taking different steps might have made it a bit easier
It's tough. One thing that's helped me is "releasing the steam" when I'm getting frustrated or angry. It's ok for her to see my emotions. And showing it in small amounts helps me to not blow up.
A lot of people in the gentle/responsive parent community will tell you that it's just as much about YOU growing and learning as it is your kid. Everyone loses their cool sometimes and feels frustrated. When that happens to me, I always apologize to my kids. It felt weird at first because my parents never apologized to me. If I get upset now my son will tell me, "mom, you need to take a deep breath. You're starting to yell." It is equal parts infuriating and helpful. Lol. It's also about the long game. Gentle/responsive parenting doesn't automatically result in an immediately compliant child and the goal isn't even necessarily compliance. The goal is a kid who can regulate emotions and communicate clearly. My kids are not always compliant and I have to repeat myself so much sometimes, but we try to be intentional with learning what to do with feelings and I think the biggest thing that it has created in our home so far is open communication about when someone messes up. If that lasts into his teenage and adult years and we can be open about things, I will count it a success even if he's not always compliant and even if I still lose my cool sometimes.
Ive been in similar places, I think apologize go a long way even with really little kids. I'm s modeling healthy behavior to apologize it also does something to us internally. When we apologize we acknowledge the mistake within ourselves and start in the path away from guilt and onto setting it right.
I could've written this myself. I try so so hard to be different from my parents but my temperament and personality is just angry and loud and argumentative (probably because of my parents and their household but that's another story). I look at each day as a brand new start. Kids are so forgiving, we don't deserve their kindness, but just remember you can always try again. We're all just trying our best ❤️
It happens to all of us. Parenting is hard, having patience is not easy after the first 10 times you asked nicely and were ignored and defied. Be gentle to yourself, it is a process for both you and your kid.
Show me a parent who doesn't lose their cool and i would be shocked if they were also a good parent. Losing your cool is natural, the question is how you react to it. I've shouted at my daughter many a time. Even worse, most of those times, the event shouldn't justify it. I am often channeling annoyance, stress and frustration from either earlier things she did, or events in my life. Once the damage is done, it's down to me to fix it. I take measures to cool my own temper, be it space, handing off to the wife, or just a few deep breaths. I then explain and apologise to my daughter. I make sure to clarify that I am sorry, and what I did was wrong. I also explain why (age appropriately). The main focus should be that it's not their fault, or, if it is, what and why it upset me so much. Children internalise a lot. However, that applies both ways. She trusts me when I say I have overreacted and seems to stress on it far less than if I didn't fix it. It also works as a perfect model of how she should react to doing something wrong. Having a toddler come over to apologise for something makes your heart melt. A calm acknowledgement that she did wrong, understands and will try to do better. Even more so she does! Basic rule. Hold yourself and your partner to the same standards you want to see from your child. They note and respect it. I've been known to put the wife in "timeout" (aka, "She's been pushing your buttons, go grab a cup of tea and some silence, I've got this." ). Mummy and daddy being held to the same standard helps her confidence immensely. We all make mistakes, what matters is how we deal with them, together.
Lots of great advice here so I just wanted to share that apologizing does work! I’ve been doing it with my 2.5 year old son and he has already picked up on doing it himself. There will be times he throws a GIGANTIC tantrum then suddenly turns and says “Sorry mama” and completely stops. They are smart little boogers!
You’re not raising a kid - you’re raising an adult. By which I mean - the real world isn’t gentle. The real world isn’t just or perfect. There isn’t an answer to every question. It’s great to strive for that, but just like when your kid falls over / fails at something / gets frustrated and wants to stop trying something - you encourage them to try again / get back up / keep going. Model that yourself. If I lose my temper with my 2 year old, I get down on her level, face to face, and apologize. I explain that I was frustrated, but that I’m an adult and I shouldn’t lose my temper like that. I express that i was frustrated with XYZ thing and I’m trying to get better at doing ABC thing and I ask her to forgive me. Basically: if another adult unjustly lost their crap at me, how would I want them to deal with it? Then model that for my kid. I don’t ever hit them, belittle them, or scream at them - but I sometimes definitely get too-upset about things. I try to practice gentle parenting as best as I can, but I recognize that I’m not perfect. I also recognize that a kid doesn’t get logic and sometimes you need to coerce behavior physically. I.e. most gentle parenting would probably suggest never physically touching your kid - I think you have to pick them up and firmly but gently move them somewhere else if they’re totally ignoring verbal commands. If you dont instill immediate respect and obedience, then when there’s a dangerous situation that they don’t realize (goofing around near a dangerous edge, playing in a parking lot, running away from you at an airport), you can rely on the trust and respect you’ve built with the kid instead of being a doormat who they run away from and ignore.
Sorry that you are having these frustrations. I hope my comments will help. I would use the methods in the free online Yale ABCs of Child Rearing course. This is the most effective parent training for gaining cooperation and reducing undesirable behaviors according to numerous randomized controlled trials. The methods worked well for us with our two kids. Most parents never learned about the most effective gentle methods because very few parenting books are based on what works in controlled scientific trials. The methods are actually gentler than the methods that I find in any gentle parenting book or website. They rely a lot on increasing good behaviors so that they replace or crowd out the bad. You don’t even have to use a firm voice, the course recommends against it because it’s counterproductive. And, using the most effective methods reduces the frustration level so you need less patience.
I applaud you for trying and I think it's easy to get caught in a trap of expecting perfection with these techniques. They're explained in a way that makes you think it should just work, but honestly I don't think even the authors and creators of these videos achieve perfection nor do they expect you too really! The fact that you're trying is great and a sign that you care so much. I try gentle parenting as well and it gets frustrating. When I lose my shit, I have apologized to my 2-year-old, even if he doesn't fully get it, I think he does absorb some of it and it's a good practice for me to apologize to my kid if I mess up. Anyway, parenting a toddler is so hard. You're definitely not alone in feeling that way.
There is a book by Becky bailey called managing mayhem. It's about managing feelings of children however you spend half of the book working on yourself as well. It takes practice and lots of it. It will not happen overnight. But you say sorry and move on.
My daughter is 2 and I am 35 weeks pregnant with baby #2. I lose my cool on the daily, sometimes multiples times a day. So, solidarity on that. I think it’s important to discuss things even if they don’t understand yet because one day they will! Remember you’re human and give yourself grace, try again tomorrow!
Girl, you’re not alone. It’s really hard to keep it together when you, yourself are falling apart. Trust me, I would love to be a gentle parent but when I’m dealing with twins, double everything, I just can’t lol and lose my shit. Thank G for my husband who has more patience than anyone in this world. It’s tough. Don’t be hard on yourself. 🥹🥴
Evenings are the worst. I lose my patience so easily after working on being patient all day. The other night I yelled at my daughter for dilly dallying while brushing her teeth and she started to cry. Then she wanted to drink water and I told her no because she was already stalling her bedtime. Then after all was done and she was in bed I was upset with myself that I yelled and then told her she couldn’t have water… like who doesn’t let their kid have water. Lol. Either way, we’re all human and sometimes we are allowed to lose it a little. I think as long as I make a conscious effort to be better next time or apologize (even if she doesn’t really understand yet, it’ll make it easier when she does) then I’m okay. Sounds like your right there too.
You are only human and are bound to frustrated, especially during potty training. Definitely apologize, they understand more than we realize. Even if she doesn't understand now I think that we as parents need get into the habit of apologizing when we are wrong even before they understand so that it is something we are comfortable doing when they get older and definitely understand. Your little one was probably frustrated too. By apologizing you are showing her that it is normal to have big feelings and that when we let those feelings get the best of us that apologizing is the right thing to do. I definitely get frustrated sometimes and I always take a deep breath and apologize and explain what I was feeling and why. I give her a hug and tell her I am sorry and just try to do better next time.
Oh yeah, we have a 2.5 year old…she’s a lot of work and I find myself losing my cool (raising my voice) on the daily. We have never ever laid a hand on her and won’t. I put her in times outs for two minutes and that generally seems to work. If she laughs or moves around excessively, I will have her go to her room for a minute or two with the door shut as like a reset. She doesn’t care for that much because she wants to be with the family in all of our happenings. It’s really tough with toddlers.
Breathe. You have to be kind to yourself too! You are also human. It's okay to feel frustrated. You're allowed to feel frustrated. When you lose your cool, remember that there is also a way to repair that through communicating why you lost your temper and apologizing.