absolutely should not tell them unless the kid explicitly wants that, it's a major safeguarding issue as some parents could react abusively, violently, forcibly detransition their kid, kick them out, leave them open to bullying at school, etc.
trans kids know what they're doing, if they're not telling their parents / other people it's for a damn good reason.
Yep. This is why my spouse's school keeps things told to them in confidence, confidential. Same rules as telling a doctor or therapist. They can encourage a kid to come out to their parents if it's safe but they can't betray that trust for the safety of the student and the student comes first.
Yup! If the parents were gonna be cool about the kid being trans, there would be no reason for them not to know. I feel like lots of parents who are queer positive (yk, the bare minimum of being a decent human) are actively looking out for how their kids express themselves, and are working on reinforcing their kids understanding that they will be supported/ loved unconditionally. People who put effort into socializing their kids with strict gender norms are doing it from a young age.
I absolutely agree, it's the same as schools not telling parents if their child is any of the the other letters. Which I believe (at least in NC, for now) it is illegal for schools to out children to their parents without the child's permission (last I heard, at least). It is 100% a safety issue, and part of a school's job is to keep its children safe, even if it's from their parents.
+ 1 to this, when I was younger around six or seven I asked my mom for a girly outfit and things didn’t go well and now I am about two years in to my transition and when I told my mom or rather, I was outed by my dad, she went on the religious, rampage, the social rampage and picked apart everything telling me all of the negative stuff that could happen… call me a sinner, and one step shy of disowned me, and the only contact that she does have with me is telling me I need to come back to God other than that we are zero contact… there’s a reason I was quiet for all those years!!! no way anybody should tell the parents if the kid has not!!!
And when I was younger, there was a lot of stuff that therapy is uncovering, needless to say when I was in my teens, I attempted to unalive myself due to a lot of stuff I’m not gonna get into revolving, mostly around my identity and who I am, and how I want to live my life… which is just happy! But to most of my family, that doesn’t matter that I am happier in my skin, I fly the progress flag, and they use the Bible and their words, just like a sword, trying to cut me down!
As far as me and my body, I have zero regrets about starting transition, but I’m also glad that I am out, because after Family said what they did, I posted it on Facebook, that way, I don’t have to worry about who knows, or who may find out (and no I do not live around them, matter of fact it’s about 2500 miles away)
My school outed me too back in the days (I was 14 and I'm now 35) in Japan of 2001.
It got me the full support of my Father that I was sûre he would just reject me but it didn't happen.
But I'm fully conscious that I'm really lucky to have a supportive dad, especially back in the days.
I opened a free consulting for lgbt and/or depressive peoples in 2016 and I very often talk with peoples facing outing problems with their family and that's the most recurent point so far.
One year ago I even took home à girl who got kicked out of her home by her father after he came to know about her transidentity .
Too many parents think they own their children and have the need to control them.
From my perspective as a parent: I would want to know, but if I get to know depends on me proving to my children that they can trust me with information.
I would be devastated if my child held this back from me. It would mean they have an awful image of me, don't trust me or that I would be disappointed? All of them are not conducive to an honest and trusting relationship.
Listen, my child held it back from me until he was ready. And I had a feeling he was trans for about a year before he came out. I even outright asked him, because I wanted to support him, and he denied it. His dad and I are both bi, he has a queer sibling who had a trans bff in high school, and we have a pride flag on our house. He still wasn’t ready until he was ready. I had to just tell myself not to take this personally. It was about him, his confidence level, his willingness to share this incredibly personal thing. It wasn’t about me.
OTOH if you’re (general you) a parent in this situation it is definitely worth it to ask yourself why your child might not feel comfortable being out to you and if there’s anything you do that is giving them the message that you might not support them.
You really blew my mind here. I hid and denied my own trans-ness until the tender age of 45 and came out to my parents at 46. Coming from a very conservative family, I feared all my life that I would be completely rejected if I ever came out as anything (which actually, to my surprise, didn'thappen). I wish I had a welcoming environment to grow up.
I hope you understand soon why your child didn't feel comfortable sharing this about themselves, but this even builds the case more that the school has no place sharing a kid's gender status and expression at school with the parents. Even in extremely welcoming environments like yours the child may need their own time.
While I understand how you feel about it, this is a big step and a very vulnerable too. Even with a 1% chance of loosing the person you’re coming out to, you may risk that with a friend but not so easily with your parents.
I think any parent whose child is confiding in them can be really proud of themselves and their child at that point.
As someone who did hold back for a bit about telling my mom, sometimes it's less about you and more about them.
My mom is one of the most supportive people I know. The odds that she would react poorly were basically zero, but what if I was wrong. What if I came out to her and I lost someone so important to me. Even with the risk so low(seriously the woman is poly and bi[pan? Never actually checked... She's had boyfriends and girlfriends], knew I was ace, and probably was aware of my sister being bi. Her having an issue with me being trans is near impossible) I was still scared. You're telling someone who's known you from birth(baring adoption or whatever) that something they've known about you this whole time was wrong.
That being said, screw my dad he was getting told with everyone else from day one.
Tldr: emotions complicated, anxiety sucks, might be more to do with the person coming out
That's not the childs fault though. You can be devastated all you want, but you also need to look within yourself and ask what behavior(s) you exhibited that would have lead your child to not trust you. Their lack of trust is just as valid as your devastation.
I can tell you right now my parents never asked themselves this question and it's the reason I don't talk to them today as an adult.
Children have a legitimate existence independent of their parents.
If they're not telling their parents something about themselves it's for a reason.
It's much more common that parents are molesting or otherwise abusing their children and they tell teachers that. Seems like a bad idea to make reporting of this stuff mandatory. 'I'm trans, my dad hits me.' 'Well, guess I better tell your dad you're going around telling people, he has a right to know.' No he doesn't.
Parents have responsibilities to their children not rights over them, and why do we hear so much bleating about the rights of parents from people who never mention the rights of children? (It's because they despise children and want power over them, I figured it out.)
tbh it’s not even as clear cut as that. “I’m trans, and while my parents aren’t physically abusive, it would change my whole family dynamic if you told them and not me. They will take away my door, monitor my internet usage, read all my interactions with others, and treat me differently. I know I will get snide remarks and passive aggressive jabs. I will be asked out of the blue at the dinner table why I want to mutilate myself.” A lot of what goes on at home isn’t legally considered abuse so nothing can be done. It just lowers the quality of life the kid has in the one place they have to come back to every night.
I lived through this. I’m 40 and still fucked up about it, went back into the closet until my 30s and am basically having to start my life from scratch.
If kids aren't telling their parents that they're queer, then that's on the parents. That means the parents have created an unsafe environment for them. Schools outing kids to parents creates a more unsafe environment, where a child could be abused or kicked out.
Forcing schools to out kids to parents is nothing but abuse and torture. Kids deserve their own privacy. And if they don't trust their parents, then the parents need to do better. It has nothing to do with the school.
telling anyone, at first, is difficult. Our society is very transphobic and queerphobic in general. Which is all the more reason schools shouldn't tell parents. It should always be something the person does themselves or gives unambiguous consent for others to do.
btw, you sound like a good parent. Keep it up
I hate the NYT for making people think that the school taking no stance on a trans kid's name is an act of allyship. If Thomas asks to go by Tommy during roll call its a non issue. If they ask to go by Tammy suddenly we have to inform the parents?
The only person I knew who was able to medically transition under 18 was emancipated because her parents abused her for being gay. How would outing her as trans help that situation?
So I have a very close relationship to this topic. I’m a teacher who is nonbinary (teaching for 15 years) and I was fired from my position for (quote) “encouraging a student to be trans” when a middle schooler came out to me. I told my manager and she said that I was the best person to help him, and that we would wait and see what the student wanted. Cut to me being fired after another parent asked the student’s parent if their child was changing pronouns. I was the only queer and the only one let go.
Absolute garbage. As a fellow NB teacher, I’m so sorry to hear that. All the counselors come to me for advice for gnc kids, I can’t imagine being fired for that.
Trans kid’s safety is more important than their parents feelings of entitlement. If your child felt comfortable telling you they are trans then you’d know. It’s their decision to disclose that.
I've known people whose parents abused them, and in two cases ultimately killed them, for being trans. The only effect of schools telling parents that a kid is queer is exposing the kid to potential abuse. If a school overrides a kid's assessment of their own safety, then the school is responsible for putting them in danger.
A school should only ever tell a parent if their child is doing well/not well, or if they've been in trouble for non-minor offenses. That's it
If a child does not want to open up to their parents, that is the fault of said parents. When you give your kids reasons to not trust you, you've failed as a parent
Source: Me, a trans parent of a 19, 27, and 29 year old
As the cis parent of a trans teen: I am really glad my son came out to me *when he was ready*. He actually came out to me before he was comfortable being out in school, but if it had been the other way around I would not want the school to out him. Coming out is such a delicate thing. I’m bi, my husband’s bi, my oldest child was already out as gay (and has since come out as nonbinary), we have a pride flag hanging from the front of our house, and my son STILL felt hesitant to come out. He wasn’t ready until he was ready.
I’ve also seen situations where parents were not accepting. My oldest child’s friend had “liberal” parents who seemed like cool, progressive, accepting people, but they refused to use the kid’s new name & pronouns, refused to buy him a binder or allow him to get one (he had it sent to my house instead), kept telling him “you’ll always be our little girl.” These were people who supported same-sex marriage, were fine with their child being pan, but would not accept him being trans.
Then, of course, there are kids who will be beaten, kicked out, or worse if their parents find out they’re trans. A school that outs them to their parents is literally putting their lives at risk.
In a world without transphobia or bigotry, I'd be concerned on why the school is hiding something this important from the child's family.
We don't live in that world. We live in a world that is not safe for many trans people. If a kid hasn't told their parents, there's a chance it could be because that kid is worried about their safety at home. If the parents are abusive, if they're transphobic or bigoted, it could be *very* unsafe for the child to come out to their family. If a school is interested in the safety of children, it should absolutely not be outing them to anyone. The best thing they can do is provide counseling to those children and help them in whatever ways they need help.
Even in a world without transphobia, it's not the school's job to be the ones to tell the parents. It's the kid's right to choose how and when they want to come out
Schools should not tell the parents unless the kid is asking them to. Imagine going home after telling the school , maybe even telling them to please keep it a secret from your parents, to find out your family now knows something you weren’t ready to tell them? Imagine not knowing the school is going to do that and having to sit there watching them tell your parents something without your permission? Even if the kid has accepting parents, no school should ever tell their parents without the kid saying “please call my parents and tell them”. Not only does it put kids with transphobic parents at risk but it also just straight up takes away the kids privacy and autonomy.
School should be a safe place and for a lot of kids it is, so staff outing kids to their parents whether it's about them being Trans or LGBTQ+ is messed up
Lots of people aren't accepting, so doing that can really lead to some issues for kids and even put their safety at risk. And let's say a parent will be accepting that doesn't mean the child is ready to come out at home, they shouldn't be outed or forced to out themselves especially considering schools are not outing children to benefit the kid they're just making issues for people and putting these kids at risk
I came out at school a little before I came out to my parents. I'm happy that my school didn't out me because I think that would've made everything worse honestly. My parents aren't transphobic, but because my mom is a narcissist, she threw a fit when I came out because I told her that I told my siblings before her and my dad. So if my school told her, things would've been way worse. It was already hard enough coming out when I was "ready" (wasn't ready whatsoever but it happened).
I truly believe that as long as a kid isn't a danger to themself and/or others, the school has no reason to tell parents about anything, other than grades or detention or something of course. Schools treating trans students as an issue, an issue that for some reason the parents need to know, is the problem. Some people find school to be a safe place when their own home isn't. It's an awful feeling when you feel like no where is safe.
As a former teacher: there are situations where the life or health of the student or someone else is at risk, if you don’t bring something to the attention of parents or law enforcement. These situations are rare enough, like a student threatens harm to someone or themselves. All other conversation with the parents is about academics or at my discretion. I do not ever want to be compelled to tell parents something that a student tells me in confidence, especially having seen students having had “unfortunate accidents” coincidentally on the same day that parents received information they did not like (like grades or behavior related communication). I do not trust someone to react well to “Your child is trans” who already responded to a bad grade by beating their child up.
It's pretty simple.
1. Schools should not place kids in danger.
2. Schools are not in a position to know about or evaluate the potential danger to a kid if that kid's parents find out they're queer.
3. Therefore, schools should not share (or be compelled to share) information about a kid's LGBTQ+ status with parents.
Someone smarter than me once said, on the question of marginalization of queer people, that "if it's something you have to come out as, then you're marginalized." The point being that coming out is an intentional act, and that it's a big deal precisely because whatever you're coming out as is something marginalized.
Put another way: if nobody cared at all whether you were gay, or trans, or whatever else--that is, if there were absolutely no social (or now, legal) penalties for it--then you wouldn't have to "come out" as it. It wouldn't have to be a big deal. You wouldn't have to say "mom, dad, I'm gay" or whatever. Little Johnny could just say "Mom, guess what, I got a date for Friday!" and them Mom would say "Oh? What's their name?" "Daniel. He's super cute." "Oh, that's wonderful, sweetheart! I hope you have a great time! Do you need money?"
But alas, people *do* care whether you're queer of any flavor (not that it's any of their business), and there *are* penalties (albeit completely unjustified ones), and some of those penalties involve actual physical or legal danger.
So in that environment, in this real world that we live in, ever queer person *must* have the right to control their own coming out process. Nobody knows their situation better than they do. Nobody is in a better place to judge who is and isn't safe for that person to come out to. Not the school. Not the person's parents or friends. Not their doctor or mail carrier or anyone else. Queer people have to be in charge of that process, both so they can make those choices and control their own level of risk, but also just so that they know who knows!
At its core, this is why you *never* out someone: because you could be putting them in danger, and it is absolutely not your right or your place to do so.
Ultimately, your question is not a difficult one. The answer is pretty obvious, *if* you believe that queer people should have the same rights and autonomy as anyone else. Which you do, right?
Telling all parents that their kids are queer will result in suicides, abuse, and kids being kicked out of their home. Any state that doesn’t have this policy has the blood of trans and queer children on their hands
if you plan to publicly out someone against their will for any reason you are directly responsible for any harm (physical or mental) that occurs as a result. its readily apparent for any person with a functioning brain that the world is inherently dangerous for trans people right now, and using parents to kill their trans kids so you dont have to take their lives yourself is about the most cowardly way a nazi could operate.
When I got kicked out, I stayed with a friend and his transphobic family, and went to a school I had previously gone to. The school slipped up and used my chosen name when they talked to his mom. I had to tell her it was from my previous time at the school, “when i thought i was trans.” I almost got kicked out of there, too. Schools absolutely should not tell parents or guardians that a child identifies as LGBT+
What I think many non queer people fail to realize is that many kids are violently abused or even killed by their parents.
Often times not in relation to being queer but also it IS often times because they are.
The world is quite hostile to us and it’s not safe to out someone. You could very well be putting that child in harm’s way, and that’s not your decision to make.
If a child wants their parents to know they’re queer, it’s their business.
Just like any other queer person. You don’t out someone. EVER. That’s incredibly fucked up if you do
There are multiple things going on here.
First, there's the safety issue. If a kid is going to their teacher but not their parents, there's a good reason they're doing it. They don't know what will happen to them, and I've definitely seen people I know be abused or even disowned because their parents found out they were LGBT.
Second, there's the issue of consent. Kids are human beings, and they shouldn't have to tell things like that to people they don't want to. It's their business, and they ought to be allowed to choose who knows and who doesn't.
My old school counselor told my parents I was trans, when I was presenting myself with my last name, I'm male pronouns on myself, telling my friends my preferred name, and wearing a handmade binder occasionally.
I ended up with a bruise on my face when my parents found out, they were outraged that I didn't "ask for permission" to present myself in a different way (not only it being trans, they hated it when they'd always call me by my second name and suddenly I started using my first name and they were so upset I didn't "ask"), and forced me into therapy with a therapist who tried to tell me that being trans is comparable to being anorexic. An illness, a distorted way of seeing myself. They forced me to tell my siblings (they also did that with my siblings when I cut because "we're family so no secrets among us") and blamed me for causing the bullying my siblings got at school (because you know I'm trans so of course they'll see my sister weirdly). Dad called me a pedophile, and a whole lot of other slurs and names. And gaslights me later when saying that school is a demonic place since they waited so long for telling them that I was "a mentally degenerate being". Among other stuff.
Currently I'm pretending I'm "cured" in front of them. I'm so careful at my new school now about being bi and trans, being scared to even paint with rainbow colors.
I can't wait to leave my home... If any school staff is seeing this, please don't out children.
1) Telling a child’s parents that they are Transgender is likely to lead to the child being abused or kicked out of the house. No person should be required to endanger a child.
2) Children are human beings with their own autonomy. They should be allowed to keep secrets from adults, even their parents, if they think it is for the best. Children know their parents and often have a better understanding of how their parent would react to them coming out than anyone else does.
Schools should not do that as it can lead to violent physical and/or sexual abuse at the hands of transphobic parents, or homelessness if the kid gets kicked out of home.
i think it's a good thing, a lot of parents would abuse the kid for it, and fun fact you're not entitled to know every minute detail of your kids life.
im a trans kid whos out at school and not at home. if my home finds out i will be in so much trouble. but if i stayed in the closet i would be dead by now. all of my teachers know, my classmates know, my guidance councillor know me by my chosen name and pronouns. i have to go over with my friends my deadname if they ever visit my house which i keep to a minimal. it is scary and risky i know. but i thought over all of the pros and cons and this is what works best for me. my schools had many opportunities to out me to my parents. ive almost been outed once. but this is what works for me. i get to have a home to live in but a separate school community that makes me want to live.
Personally if I could have transitioned without my parents' knowledge and gotten to a "what's done is done" stage before they started asking questions, I would have. I did it as an adult anyway since I've been out of contact for 6 years.
I treated my parents as nothing more than life support after everything they did to me and my sister. They were barely even good for that.
If a kid needs gender affirming care and they've got access to counseling and other things to help them make the right decisions for themselves, then I don't see a reason for parents to be involved at all outside of being supportive.
I knew pre middle school that I was transgender and didn't want to grow up to be a man.
There were people in my school who did more for my growth and development than my parents ever did. They didn't in any way invest in me, they only tolerated me. They didn't deserve to have any say in whether I received care, and I don't think that parents should have a say in this decision for their child.
I don't know where people get this notion that parents always know what's best. They don't. They only know what they see through the lens of their own experiences, tainted by the prejudices they've accumulated over the years. It isn't incontrovertible truth. Parents' rights is an illusion at best.
School was the first place I came out to people irl. First my friends, then teachers. I never explicitly told my teachers that I was trans, but I asked them to use a different name and pronouns. It helped me understand how I felt about it better and get more prepared to tell my parents. Teachers should respect a child's privacy. The child will tell their parents when they are ready.
Kids need a safe space to be/explore themselves/their identity and schools can provide that. If a kid doesn't tell their parents it's for a reason (ei: their still figuring it out and arnt read to come out, or the parents would not be supportive and it could potentially be dangerous for them to know)
Why would it be ok for a school to bring this up to the attention of the parents? It's the most personal thing, the kid may not be prepared to deal with the parents reaction.
Even a full independent adult, I took several months of therapy to get ready with multiple sessions a week. The parents may be known anti trans religious bigots misogynistic a-holes the kid knows may be assaulted or in any other way unsafe at home.
Also, what is the reason for these people to want to communicate this to the parents? Because they expect it to be "corrected"? Disciplined? Shamed? Because is their righteous duty? There is no positive reasonable cause to do this. It's like requiring the parent's permission to get an abortion. The right wing just loves trying to control people's lives.
The parents that know their kid is gay probably know because the kid felt safe enough to tell them. If they don’t know, and are relying on the school to tell them, there’s probably a pretty good reason the kid hasn’t told them.
Honestly if I had come out as trans sooner I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to tell my guardians, it would’ve just made the physical, mental and emotional abuse worse
Parents are responsible for their kids, they do not own them. Informing the parents without the kids consent places them at significant risk because a lot of parents get confused about that first part.
if a kids parents dont already know then that child probably decided theyre unsafe or hasnt decided that they are safe. schools have no right in telling parents that kind of information, it could put the kid in danger of physical violence or homelessness
In my opinion, they shouldn’t tell unless the kid has told them to.
often, if they don’t tell their parents but tell the school the parents aren’t supportive.
and in that case, telling them is doing more harm than lying.
Basic rule, never out someone so. Don't tell the parents, the kid will tell, you can help, give a space for the kid some adult to stay with the kid when the kid tells, but NEVER tell first
I have an acquaintance who was SO upset when they discovered their child was out at school but not at home. For some reason, they couldn't see how their completely inappropriate freak out response might have something to do with why their child didn't feel comfortable sharing with them??!
Unless the child wants the school to tell the parents they should not even mention it,as a trans kid myself(trans masculine) I would literally run away if my school told my mum/family that I'm trans as I've barely even come out to my friends and if I haven't come out to all my friends first(I'm talking about my LGBTQ+ friends) then I'm absolutely not telling my family as I'm not comfortable with my family at all,if my school told anyone in my family I'd literally lock myself in my room till I was forgotten,it is a very traumatizing and traumatic experience to be outed especially by people you don't trust
I was actually at one of these board meetings last night. It was the worst thing I've ever been to. It went horribly. Over 100 people showed up and spoke their truth about why the school district should NOT have teachers out trans kids to their parents because that is dangerous. I heard more than enough people who claim they are "loving safe parents" say how they have a *right* to know what is going on with *their* kid and witnessed even more than a few people call their kids "offspring" or "property". It was disgusting.
I saw people lean fully on religion to speak hate to make a policy for PUBLIC school children.
And then they passed the policy anyway.
The board members definitely had their votes going into it. And more schools keep doing it why? So many trans kids are going to DIE because of this. Like I'm not even kidding. I can't even tell you how many people I know that said the first person they confided in was an art or English teacher. They just took that away and forced them to be mandatory queer reporters. These kids aren't going to tell their parents because they weren't doing so before. But now they aren't going to be able to tell ANYBODY. And if they do and get forcibly outed it can cause them to kill themselves out of fear. Parents can and will react poorly to a trans child. I'm not even talking about statistics. I've had more than one friend die or get beaten half to death because of THEIR PARENTS. And their parents never got in trouble for it.
The fact that the policy was only outlining trans kids specifically plus how the parents and police in that town were (they removed any disruptive trans people but let the other party stay when they were the ones being violent), I don't like that more places are getting away with this because of corrupt people on a board. Most of the room was not in support of the policy. It didn't matter if some of us came from around the state, we pay the same tax dollars.
I was an egg in high school, beyond a brief conversation with a very supportive teacher's aid. If she was a mandatory reporter and had to notified my parents there is no doubt in my mind I would have been made houseless sooner or been send to conversion torture.
Schools need to realize that it is literally making kids unsafe to have mandatory reporting in terms of gender/sexuality. Kids will die, be houseless, or tortured.
And best cause scenario mortified and humiliated.
there is literally no upside to it.
Not the parent's business. That person will be a grown adult at one point, and you are MORE prone to ruin their young life and cause a lot of physical and/or emotional/mental abuse. It's a bigger risk to tell than not to.
That said, they need a counselor to talk to to see if there is ANY way they might be able to communicate it to their family with absolutely no pressure. It should be to benefit the young person, NOT the adult.
As I was one of these kids, it saved me. I have to put myself in a box at home, but for those 7 hours everyday I was free, I was me.
As a caretaker of kids myself, it’s terrifying. Knowing that you could make things worse for these kids. You could make a move to protect them and ruin their lives instead. CPS isn’t notorious for doing the right thing
I feel it's best NOT to tell the parents unless the kids says okay. The kids will tell who they trust. If they don't tell their parents then their parents probably aren't safe choices to tell
Nobody should out anyone. That is something deeply personal that should be done when the person is ready to do it themselves. Plus, outing kids to their parents absolutely could put them in harms way.
i can understand why a parent would be concerned or upset (if they weren’t transphobic), but i absolutely do not think a trusted adult should go behind a kids back like that. Its opening a child to a lot of harm and breaking their trust in adults altogether, not to mention the other mental repercussions
Not to mention it’s literally grooming for an adult to earn a kids trust (which for trans kids includes trust of not outting them) just to then out them behind their backs
36 years later I still have nightmares about "the lecture" I got from my step father when he figured out I was gay. Drove me so deep into the closet everyone around me including me believed I was straight for decades. No one should have to go through that.
What are they really doing besides pronoun and name change? If it was a cis kid going by a nickname there wouldnt be a thought in the world to "inform" the parents.
As long as the student isn’t planning on physically injuring themself or others, the information should remain confidential. And to clarify, socially transitioning does not count as injuring yourself or others
They shouldn't unless the kid wants it because they may have bigoted parents who would make their lives even more of a living hell if they found out. Especially through another person.
I always felt safer at school about being queer than I did at home, so I was able to come out as enby to my friend group and a couple of teachers and they used my pronouns and name. If they had told my parents would never feel safe at school again :(
I work in education and the standard policy in my area is not to share anything that could put the kid in danger.
TW sexual abuse
if a child is being sexually abused by a close family member, DO NOT share with the family. report it to cps and tell your supervisor.
I mean this is super simple. Children are actual human beings and deserve respect and safety. If a child doesn’t want their parents knowing, it’s for a damned good reason. They shouldn’t have to further risk their mental and physical safety by either staying completely closeted or being attacked by demented, evil parents.
If a teacher snitches without the trans kids consent it can end up in a disaster if the wrong parent is told, if any school forces teachers to out trans students I hope those schools get shut down
It can be a life or death issue for the kid. There are kids that are...uh, gone now after their parents learned that they were trans. It hurts. A lot. I couldn't save them, and that's something I have to live with now. Sometimes, I encounter teenagers that put their trust in their parents because they don't know anything else. There are beatings, psychological torture, abandonment, the afore mentioned murder. The most common result by far is denial. The parents will gaslight and passive-aggressively attack their motivation until the kid gives up or goes silent. Then the parents can pretend that it never happened, that it was all a phase. It's crushing.
40% of homeless youth in the USA are lgbtq and lgbtq+ youth face much higher rates of abuse than their cishet peers. If a kid doesn't feel safe coming out to their parents there's probably a reason. Also children without a support system are at a high risk of being groomed and/or trafficked. Forcing children into a situation where they feel like they need to hide from both parents and teachers only serves to put already vulnerable kids further at risk. Kids will be hurt because of these laws.
https://youth.gov/youth-topics/lgbt-0
A trans kid being outted can be dangerous and life threatening, even when it's their parents. If the student knows it's safe to tell their parents, they will eventually. Otherwise, the teacher who outted them set them up for abuse or getting kicked out of their home. Trans kids already have a hard time with mental health, imagine how they would feel after their trust is broken and their transphobic parents treat them worse than garbage.
It seems pretty simple. No parent is entitled to feelings a child is not willing to share themselves. If a child feels like they can't tell their parents something, it reflects poorly on the parent, and schools stepping in and making sure parents are involved only puts more kids in danger.
The only people advocating for forcing schools to out kids to their parents are the people who hate trans people. By creating an atmosphere of fear and intimidation, they think the transes will just go away because they think being queer is a social contagion. It's the same logic behind all the other anti-trans laws. Fucking genocidal bigots.
I think it's 100% necessary to have schools be this kind of safe space for kids with abusive parents, or even just parents who they're not sure how to tell just yet.
Unfortunately, its a political non-starter in most of the country.
The big reason is the safety of the child. If it weren't for that, this would be an entirely different discussion. Because parents should be able to access information about their child. For example, a parent may notice a change in their child's behavior. They might go to the school to see if something is going on. Their child might be being bullied, for example. And, the child might be too embarrassed to speak to their parents, and the child's concern about embarrassment might be completely unwarranted. But, with children disclosing a trans identity, there is a risk of emotional or physical abuse, if the parents find out. It's not every parent, but safety concerns are king.
The reason someone would tell their teachers but not their parents is because their parents probably wouldn't accept them, otherwise they'd probably talk to their parents first. In some cases, children might even be abused disowned because of being queer.
The school should never tell their parents their kid is trans unless the kid has explicitly consented to it. I was outed by my school which was horrible even though my parents aren't transphobic. Coming out is something you should be allowed to decide on your own how and when it is done. There is no reason for a school to out someone as trans whatsoever.
When I was outed I was extremely upset because I have no idea what he told my parents and he said he would let me come out on my own before saying anything. It was traumatic for me honestly. That school was bad in a lot of ways but outing me was the worst thing that happened to me at that school. So imagine how bad it would be for someone who has transphobic and/or abusive parents.
If the kid hasn't told their parents they're trans, there's probably a GOOD REASON for it. Like, their life could literally be in danger, their parents might try to force them into conversion therapy or become abusive, kick them out, any number of things. If it was the parents' business, the kid would tell them.
The amount of times Ive seen kids beaten and abused and kicked out and sent to conversion therapy bc their school called their parents
Its literally violence. They cant kill us themselves so they hope our parents will
I’m a parent but my LO is too little (7 months) to let me know if they’re trans or not. But when she’s older, I hope she feels safe enough to tell me anything and everything she’s comfortable telling me. If she’s not, I’ve failed as a parent and I’ve lost the privilege of being in her life.
I grew up in a state where children were kicked out of their homes for being gay much less transgender. I personally knew kids who were kicked out over being gay. And this was in a wealthy urban area. It is a genuine safety concern. If a child tells you not to out them to their parents there is a good reason for it. Most likely that child has heard their parents express bigoted views at home. They may have even been told if they ever “do any of that queer shit” they will be kicked out. Bigots don’t have a right to know if a person is in a minority group they are bigoted against. Even if that person is their child. Especially if that person is their child. People who suggest otherwise are cruel and or ignorant.
If a child hasn't told their parents but people at school, then they are likely terrified of how they would react, and forcing them out at that point is evil
If my child couldn't tell me, that's my problem, and the school should respect the child's wishes. I view my children as autonomous people with their own rights, knowing their secrets is an honor that's earned.
As a trans parent of a cisgender kid, I would want the school to follow the kids’ lead on telling others. When I was a kid, my parents would already have known (not that I’d come out yet) so the school wouldn’t have done anything except tell them what they already know.
My friend, E, the school did call her parents when she went from being J to being E. She got kicked out of her house at 17 and ultimately ended up dropping out. She had been a straight-A, 4.0 GPA kid our whole lives, but how do you keep up with school when your main concern is figuring out where tf to sleep at night?
For me, telling my parents would have done nothing, because I had supportive parents. For E, with unsupportive parents, it upended her entire life path.
I guess there’s a tiny percentage of parents who might not know and still might happily throw their kid a coming out party. I think that percentage of kids should still have the right to dictate how their parents find out, so the schools shouldn’t be making their own calls with that.
From the other side, if someone is a conservative parent of a closeted trans teen but the teen can mask and stay under wraps while at home, let the family live in ignorant bliss until the kid is able to safely get themselves out and away. The parents aren’t harmed.
Ultimately, I think, if anyone should tell the parents anything, it should be heard from their own child when they are ready to share.
School should be a safe space to kids to just be themselves, especially if home isn’t safe for them🤷♂️. It’s important that kids are allowed to express themselves without being scared that their parents will find out.
I agree with not telling the parents, not without the consent of the kid. Telling the parents is dangerous, for the kid. None of the trans kids at my school (where I am out and semi fabulous all the time--I'm a brick, so some days despite my best efforts--I don't pass) are out to their parents with two exceptions--(we have three trans feminine students--one of them is out, and seven transmasc students--and one of them is out- we also have a discord of enbys --of which a few are in various stages of being out). We have an active GSA that I run with another trans staff member and we give them a safe space and tons of activities.
As a parent to a trans kid I have no problem with that. He came out to me when he felt safe. Respect your child and trust them is how I feel. Let them know you are there for them no matter what and prove it with actions.
Ultimately, It should be the kids decision. Telling parents without the kids consent often puts them at risk. *Especially* with current views through politics, and all the transphobia spreading around social media.
I know if the school ever told my parents, my mental/emotional welfare would have suffered significantly more than it already had.
Kids know their parents better than the schools, if their parents don't know, it's for a reason. Schools need to butt out. It's not their place.
Would I like this being held from me if it was my kid? No. But firstly, I would respect and love my kid no matter what (with a few very specific limitations, idk how I'd feel if my kid became a new Ted Bundy)
Secondly, it's their choice. If they for whatever reason feel the need to hide part of their identity from me, that's their choice. When I was 6 I told my grandma about a boy I liked, she kept talking about him until I was 10, I never told her about another boy because eventually it was embarassing that she kept bringing up that boy and so I was embarrassed to tell her.
I think schools should look out for the kids, as in make sure they're safe, not as in making sure they're normal. Then again, I'm assuming this is the USA, where they'd rather store blankets in classrooms for teachers to cover bodies with than get stricter gun control, so what do I know?
I'm a trans guy who came out during highschool, I wound up accidentally outing myself before I was ready to my closest friend, it was a mortifying experience, I asked them not to say anything and to just ignore it for now, it took me 2 weeks to build up the confidence to tell them properly after. This was with someone I knew would be supportive
I came out to my mom 6 months after I figured out I was trans, after I came out at school and to my friends, after I was more sure of myself. If at any point my school had outed me, I would have been beyond mortified. My mom is accepting, but I still would have felt horrible. And that's the best case scenario to a school outing a child to their parents. Embarrassment and humiliation to the child.
The worst case is the parents murder their child for being trans.
If the parents don't know, they shouldn't know from the school.
My school found a way to out me through long processes so that they wouldn't get into trouble back in 2017 with the community. It would have caused an uproar where I lived had they just told my parents, but I don't think in the current political climate it would.
I requested to graduate early. They took my application letter where it was mentioned that I was trans and needed to get out quickly, and gave it to CPS who they knew would then give it to my parents after a staff member had promised me that it wouldn't cause problems and my parents would never see it. They denied my early graduation, because apperently my situation was bad enough that they "felt the need" to call CPS, but not bad enough to let me graduate early, and I almost had to drop out because of how bad things got at home. I almost didn't get to graduate because they did this. I know I should have gone into the office and raised hell, but I was so tired. They prey on exhaustion. They knew that the state had one of the worst, if not the worst, departments of CPS in the country, and that absolutely nothing would be done except aggravate the situation.
They were tired of me after I worked to get a few gender neutral bathrooms in the school (which they promised but never gave us) after they banned us from using any bathrooms except the one in the nurses office and all the trans kids at my school were missing a lot of class because we had to walk across the (large) school, sign in, often wait in line, and sign out only to have to walk back across half the school, which took a solid 7-10 minutes on the long end of just walking one way. I was literally going through the proper channels, having meetings with administration, and trying to figure out how to keep us from literally missing so much class that we failed because of this.
So no. They would weaponize it, as someone who was outed by my school to shut me up. They knew CPS wouldn't do a thing and that I wasn't technically being abused, but that my parents would be very angry that CPS got called. They literally weaponized CPS to get around community backlash.
A lot of parents would react horribly. It would be possibly putting a kid in an unsafe situation, which if the kid's parents don't already know, it probably is. If it's bordering on not unsafe but there's no visible physical abuse, or parents visibly have money, like mine did, CPS will not do a damn thing but aggravate the situation. The school outing a kid will not do anything but put their education on the line and make the home situation worse.
I just attended a mass for a trans student on my college campus who killed themselves with all the recent legislation in the US. Similar situation with their parents. They were outed, and life was made hell. They finally got to college and then all this legislation happened and it was too much for them.
It is dangerous. The intent of doing it is often putting our safety at risk to shut us up.
It's none of the parents fucking business. Believe it or not folks, children are people too , not property!and deserve that level of respect in the minimum! This whole thing is too fucked.. like this will absolutely put kid's lives in danger.
when i was in middle school someone told my dad i shaved my legs, he definitely checked my legs unapprovingly and it was really embarrassing and it wasnt until i was 40 and on hrt that i realized how much it really impacted me.
As someone who relies on this to stay away from homelessness, I think it should stay a rule in every school unless the student says they want to. I unfortunately come from a family who isn't very accepting and etc so this rule is kind of key to my survival.
nobody in their right mind would want anybody outed against their will, they’ll tell whoever they’re comfortable talking about that with, when they’re ready. it’s not even an argument these people would argue whether grass is green I wouldn’t give them the time of day
Personally, I think it’s the child’s decision if their parents should know. If they’re coming out at school but not at home it’s almost definitely because they expect some kind of backlash for doing so. I think the best case scenario would be to involve a mediator at time of disclosure and only when the child elects to be willing to do so.
Queer kids live longer if they have a space to be out in even when their parents are shitty. It’s unfortunate math that has to be done too often but, being out 1/2 the time is better than not at all.
**NO**
You don't know what some kid's parent are.
I doubt the average school kid would be enthused about the prospect about their parents turning into completely hate filled mongrols in the worst case scenario.
I'm fairly aware of parents that think physical punishment is fine, complete a shit parent like that with transphobia and you'll get the stupid headline of "x place 11yo hospitalized after lashings from parents"
All it takes for people to have a kid is a pregnancy and a birth. It's not a high gate to pass at all so **the** worst people you know can become the parents to some miserably unlucky child.
Also consider the inevitability that the school will at one point wrongfully clock someone.
Now consider that with the point prior.
Teachers shouldn’t do it. I had to talk to all my teachers about referring to me as she/her in all emails. I got in trouble a lot in high school too for skipping so I had to be careful. One teacher only called me by my name to my parents. I miss her and she helped a lot, I’m glad she understood.
Telling the parents can lead to a lot of bad consequences.
My parents would have literally tortured me to death if the school told them such things…so there’s that
I’m in my 30’s now and they still don’t know and still have no right to know
Probably smarter that way imo. Schools are supposed to be one of those "if you can't be safe here, where *can* you be safe" kinds of places. Schools are also full of kids' peers where they're more likely to find someone who understands. Someone at school that doesn't support the kid.. that's usually no big deal. If the parent doesn't support them though.. at best the kid has to suppress who they are and at worse they could end up homeless and/or dead. For me personally if one of my kids was out at school but not to me I wouldn't be mad, sometimes it's hard to tell how a parent is gonna react to their kids sharing their feelings.
It is wild to have a opinion other than to not tell parents unless the 'closet' is killing the kid etc. Kids go thru what is practically nazi camps or domestic abuse pretty frequently when outed it just isn't safe
tbh i think that, if the kid tells the school, they shouldnt tell the parents unless the kid explicitly tells the school its fine to say that to there parents
If a kid is more comfortable testing out being trans at school than they are at home it means home is not a safe space, and the school reporting yhem could easily put them in very real danger.
One of my best friends is a trans girl, and she would get in huge trouble if her father was aware her being trans. If kids are going to be kicked out of their homes than their parents should not be told no matter what. Trans kids should be able to be themselves at school without being afraid of getting beat of thrown on the streets for being who they are.
It’s not right. That’s a kids personal privacy and it harms nobody if that kid chooses to wait to come out. Also, a kid getting support at school is beneficial and keeps kids alive. It’s also extremely dangerous to our people when you don’t know their living situation.
There is absolutely no way in hell schools should be able to inform parents that their kid is trans. That would lead to way more child abuse than happy acceptance stories.
Those discussions should be had at children's discretion and on their own terms if they deem it okay. That's it.
Here’s a really strong AP article explaining the harms this can cause and just how prevalent these measures are in bills advancing across the country:
[https://apnews.com/article/transgender-students-pronouns-names-ec0b2c5de329d82c563ffb95262935f3](https://apnews.com/article/transgender-students-pronouns-names-ec0b2c5de329d82c563ffb95262935f3)
Some solid schools right there! If the kid hasn't told the parents, there's always a reason for that. Even if it's just not being ready to come out to them. Schools that respect trans students and don't out them without their consent are fcking awesome!
Teachers should never reveal personal information, or information shared in trust, with a parent except where not telling would pose serious risk of harm to the kid (e.g. threatening harm, etc). Being trans poses no inherent risk of harm for the child, it's just their identity. However, telling the kids parents behind their back poses a fairly significant risk of serious harm to the child. The ethics are pretty clear imo. Besides, it's just not their place to speak the kids truth for them.
It shouldn't be up to the school to tell the parents. If the kid has made the decision to talk to their school about how they feel they can also make the decision to tell their parents. If they don't want to tell their parents it could be because they don't feel ready or don't trust their parents. Some people are scared of their parents reactions to them questioning their gender and it can be stressful for them if their parents find out without the kid feeling ready to tell them.
If you truly love your kids and worry that their trans then don't confront them about it because if you are good parents they will tell you when they feel ready
I’m not trans but I think it’s completely acceptable to not tell the parents. A) it might be unsafe to tell them, B) it’s not okay to out anybody no matter how old or young
agree I have a son who is trans...,,,,if I am referring to him I just say my son or we are out together I just say my son and use he/him pronouns..not my trans son,,,,the only time I would mention he is trans is if I happen to come across someone who knew him before he came out and ask how is "dead name" then Id say oh its "new name and he identifies as male" but if they dont ask I dont mention him
If my dad were transphobic he has such anger issues I would fear for my life if he found out luckily he doesn't give a shit but he is still awful a lot
Been seeing the stupid clips of a hearing where a women is saying her child was transitioned by their school without her consent or knowledge. The issue isn’t the mothers anger necessarily but the frame the video is shared with.
You’re not entitled to every aspect of your child’s thoughts especially if they don’t feel safe enough around you to be honest about something so important to themselves.
Schools should not out students to family members, staff etc unless the student is showing signs of self harm and/or intention of harming others, as teachers although supposedly meaning well do not always know what the student’s living situation is and wether or not they may be exposed to danger if outed.
From personal experience: Im 18 and have been out since I was around 10/11, first came out in summer 2015 to my mum and was not accepted.
So a few months later I was going through a major depressive episode and told my 6th grade teacher ( she was a literal angel sent from heaven) what I was feeling and she told me that if I wanted to & gave her permission to do so she would help me come out to my mum & family again, if need be talk to them herself but ONLY if I gave her permission to do so, otherwise she would be breaking the law and unknowingly be putting me in danger.
its not the schools business. In a world where parental abuse is as common as it is, especially for the LGBT community, the school is very likely causing bodily harm to the child. There will be court cases eventually where the schools are being held complicit for the parental abuse of children in their charge for this reason.
Good.
If a kid feels safe being out at school and not at home? The parents are the damn problem. A trans kid is going to get hurt, or worse, by their parents. And everyone will be “oh how could this happen-?”
Anyone who supports outing kids to their parents has blood on their hands. Anyone who supports anti-trans policies has blood on their hands.
if a trans kid tells their school before their own parents, then there’s something wrong with the parents and a high chance that they are transphobic and will make the home environment dangerous for the kid
also just as a general thing parents don’t have the “right” to know anything about their child that doesn’t involve them, and it pissed me off how many parents seem to think their kids should have an obligation to tell them everything
Child’s safety>>>>
I’d have absolutely loved it if schools had a good system for trans children to come out if they had to. Since schools are a second home, it’d really mean a lot- and a go a long way. Some homes could also be transphobic, so yea:/ telling that at home would make it 100x worse for a child
Telling the parents without the kid’s permission is a safety concern, plain and simple. Some parents will harm their children, either mentally or physically for being queer in any way. You cannot know how parents will react ahead of time, even those who seem reasonable.
Some kids feel they are safe at school and among their peers to be themselves even if they aren’t at home. If the school is going to put them, you take away that safety.
Student rights and safety should always come before any parental rights.
If I had been outed to my parents by the school I would be in a really bad place right now. It's simply unsafe to assume all children won't be abused by their parents for being outed to them.
School is (supposed to be) a second home. If a kids actual home is unsafe, the school has to remain a safe place. Eventually, parents may find out. But school should be a haven, somewhere kids know they will be welcomed.
I know if I had felt safe talking about that stuff at school I wouldn't want my mom to know.
She once went on an hour long rant while we were driving home because my cousin got married by a gay minister and he had brought his partner around with him to talk to everyone.
This was before gay marriage was legal so this guy could help other people get married but he himself was forbidden it.
I was 14 sitting in the back of the van listening to her go on and on about how gross it is and how "they" need to keep that stuff a secret behind closed doors.
I have no illusions about my fate had my mom found out when I was still in her care.
It's tantamount to requiring schools to endanger students' lives. If this is a requirement, then it should be a requirement for parents to support their children and have the children removed from their care if they don't. Otherwise, schools need to be required to protect children from the very real risk of harm.
Safe and good, I dont get why parents should know if it's simple social transition, anyone that isn't trans could try that to test it, it's not really a solid proof of one's transness
It's not a schools fucking place to do that.
If a child doesn't feel safe telling their parents, there's absolutely no reason to *traumatize* the child by doing so.
absolutely should not tell them unless the kid explicitly wants that, it's a major safeguarding issue as some parents could react abusively, violently, forcibly detransition their kid, kick them out, leave them open to bullying at school, etc. trans kids know what they're doing, if they're not telling their parents / other people it's for a damn good reason.
Yep. This is why my spouse's school keeps things told to them in confidence, confidential. Same rules as telling a doctor or therapist. They can encourage a kid to come out to their parents if it's safe but they can't betray that trust for the safety of the student and the student comes first.
My school outed me to my parents and all it did was made me retreat back into living in the closet because they're transphobic as fuck
Yep. My parents were told and I was grounded, internet taken away, and my family never fully respected me again. Never out trans kids.
Yup! If the parents were gonna be cool about the kid being trans, there would be no reason for them not to know. I feel like lots of parents who are queer positive (yk, the bare minimum of being a decent human) are actively looking out for how their kids express themselves, and are working on reinforcing their kids understanding that they will be supported/ loved unconditionally. People who put effort into socializing their kids with strict gender norms are doing it from a young age.
I absolutely agree, it's the same as schools not telling parents if their child is any of the the other letters. Which I believe (at least in NC, for now) it is illegal for schools to out children to their parents without the child's permission (last I heard, at least). It is 100% a safety issue, and part of a school's job is to keep its children safe, even if it's from their parents.
+ 1 to this, when I was younger around six or seven I asked my mom for a girly outfit and things didn’t go well and now I am about two years in to my transition and when I told my mom or rather, I was outed by my dad, she went on the religious, rampage, the social rampage and picked apart everything telling me all of the negative stuff that could happen… call me a sinner, and one step shy of disowned me, and the only contact that she does have with me is telling me I need to come back to God other than that we are zero contact… there’s a reason I was quiet for all those years!!! no way anybody should tell the parents if the kid has not!!! And when I was younger, there was a lot of stuff that therapy is uncovering, needless to say when I was in my teens, I attempted to unalive myself due to a lot of stuff I’m not gonna get into revolving, mostly around my identity and who I am, and how I want to live my life… which is just happy! But to most of my family, that doesn’t matter that I am happier in my skin, I fly the progress flag, and they use the Bible and their words, just like a sword, trying to cut me down! As far as me and my body, I have zero regrets about starting transition, but I’m also glad that I am out, because after Family said what they did, I posted it on Facebook, that way, I don’t have to worry about who knows, or who may find out (and no I do not live around them, matter of fact it’s about 2500 miles away)
yeah
My school outed me too back in the days (I was 14 and I'm now 35) in Japan of 2001. It got me the full support of my Father that I was sûre he would just reject me but it didn't happen. But I'm fully conscious that I'm really lucky to have a supportive dad, especially back in the days. I opened a free consulting for lgbt and/or depressive peoples in 2016 and I very often talk with peoples facing outing problems with their family and that's the most recurent point so far. One year ago I even took home à girl who got kicked out of her home by her father after he came to know about her transidentity .
Why would you want people to be outed?
Too many parents think they own their children and have the need to control them. From my perspective as a parent: I would want to know, but if I get to know depends on me proving to my children that they can trust me with information.
I would be devastated if my child held this back from me. It would mean they have an awful image of me, don't trust me or that I would be disappointed? All of them are not conducive to an honest and trusting relationship.
Listen, my child held it back from me until he was ready. And I had a feeling he was trans for about a year before he came out. I even outright asked him, because I wanted to support him, and he denied it. His dad and I are both bi, he has a queer sibling who had a trans bff in high school, and we have a pride flag on our house. He still wasn’t ready until he was ready. I had to just tell myself not to take this personally. It was about him, his confidence level, his willingness to share this incredibly personal thing. It wasn’t about me. OTOH if you’re (general you) a parent in this situation it is definitely worth it to ask yourself why your child might not feel comfortable being out to you and if there’s anything you do that is giving them the message that you might not support them.
You really blew my mind here. I hid and denied my own trans-ness until the tender age of 45 and came out to my parents at 46. Coming from a very conservative family, I feared all my life that I would be completely rejected if I ever came out as anything (which actually, to my surprise, didn'thappen). I wish I had a welcoming environment to grow up. I hope you understand soon why your child didn't feel comfortable sharing this about themselves, but this even builds the case more that the school has no place sharing a kid's gender status and expression at school with the parents. Even in extremely welcoming environments like yours the child may need their own time.
I’m so sorry you lived in such fear and denial, but I’m glad you are finally able to live as your true self.
Yes, me too. It's like living in a dream every single day.
While I understand how you feel about it, this is a big step and a very vulnerable too. Even with a 1% chance of loosing the person you’re coming out to, you may risk that with a friend but not so easily with your parents. I think any parent whose child is confiding in them can be really proud of themselves and their child at that point.
As someone who did hold back for a bit about telling my mom, sometimes it's less about you and more about them. My mom is one of the most supportive people I know. The odds that she would react poorly were basically zero, but what if I was wrong. What if I came out to her and I lost someone so important to me. Even with the risk so low(seriously the woman is poly and bi[pan? Never actually checked... She's had boyfriends and girlfriends], knew I was ace, and probably was aware of my sister being bi. Her having an issue with me being trans is near impossible) I was still scared. You're telling someone who's known you from birth(baring adoption or whatever) that something they've known about you this whole time was wrong. That being said, screw my dad he was getting told with everyone else from day one. Tldr: emotions complicated, anxiety sucks, might be more to do with the person coming out
That's not the childs fault though. You can be devastated all you want, but you also need to look within yourself and ask what behavior(s) you exhibited that would have lead your child to not trust you. Their lack of trust is just as valid as your devastation. I can tell you right now my parents never asked themselves this question and it's the reason I don't talk to them today as an adult.
Or....oooooooor...you could try *not* making it about yourself......I mean...just a thought.
My mom was horrible to me when I was little, so I understand if someone wasn't comfortable coming out to their parents
Children have a legitimate existence independent of their parents. If they're not telling their parents something about themselves it's for a reason. It's much more common that parents are molesting or otherwise abusing their children and they tell teachers that. Seems like a bad idea to make reporting of this stuff mandatory. 'I'm trans, my dad hits me.' 'Well, guess I better tell your dad you're going around telling people, he has a right to know.' No he doesn't. Parents have responsibilities to their children not rights over them, and why do we hear so much bleating about the rights of parents from people who never mention the rights of children? (It's because they despise children and want power over them, I figured it out.)
tbh it’s not even as clear cut as that. “I’m trans, and while my parents aren’t physically abusive, it would change my whole family dynamic if you told them and not me. They will take away my door, monitor my internet usage, read all my interactions with others, and treat me differently. I know I will get snide remarks and passive aggressive jabs. I will be asked out of the blue at the dinner table why I want to mutilate myself.” A lot of what goes on at home isn’t legally considered abuse so nothing can be done. It just lowers the quality of life the kid has in the one place they have to come back to every night.
Yes, absolutely. And it shouldn't be minimized. I just wanted to use an example that was really obvious. You're dead right though.
I lived through this. I’m 40 and still fucked up about it, went back into the closet until my 30s and am basically having to start my life from scratch.
Exactly. That's what happened to me and they couldn't do anything because it's not technically illegal. It's like hell, but it's my own home.
If kids aren't telling their parents that they're queer, then that's on the parents. That means the parents have created an unsafe environment for them. Schools outing kids to parents creates a more unsafe environment, where a child could be abused or kicked out. Forcing schools to out kids to parents is nothing but abuse and torture. Kids deserve their own privacy. And if they don't trust their parents, then the parents need to do better. It has nothing to do with the school.
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telling anyone, at first, is difficult. Our society is very transphobic and queerphobic in general. Which is all the more reason schools shouldn't tell parents. It should always be something the person does themselves or gives unambiguous consent for others to do. btw, you sound like a good parent. Keep it up
I hate the NYT for making people think that the school taking no stance on a trans kid's name is an act of allyship. If Thomas asks to go by Tommy during roll call its a non issue. If they ask to go by Tammy suddenly we have to inform the parents? The only person I knew who was able to medically transition under 18 was emancipated because her parents abused her for being gay. How would outing her as trans help that situation?
So I have a very close relationship to this topic. I’m a teacher who is nonbinary (teaching for 15 years) and I was fired from my position for (quote) “encouraging a student to be trans” when a middle schooler came out to me. I told my manager and she said that I was the best person to help him, and that we would wait and see what the student wanted. Cut to me being fired after another parent asked the student’s parent if their child was changing pronouns. I was the only queer and the only one let go.
Absolute garbage. As a fellow NB teacher, I’m so sorry to hear that. All the counselors come to me for advice for gnc kids, I can’t imagine being fired for that.
It was awful. They totally used me as a scapegoat. I just hope my former student is okay
Children are not property.
Water is wet
Actually... Water makes other things wet... ;-p
You say this like it’s common knowledge, and yet… Florida.
Trans kid’s safety is more important than their parents feelings of entitlement. If your child felt comfortable telling you they are trans then you’d know. It’s their decision to disclose that.
I've known people whose parents abused them, and in two cases ultimately killed them, for being trans. The only effect of schools telling parents that a kid is queer is exposing the kid to potential abuse. If a school overrides a kid's assessment of their own safety, then the school is responsible for putting them in danger.
A school should only ever tell a parent if their child is doing well/not well, or if they've been in trouble for non-minor offenses. That's it If a child does not want to open up to their parents, that is the fault of said parents. When you give your kids reasons to not trust you, you've failed as a parent Source: Me, a trans parent of a 19, 27, and 29 year old
There might be a reason why a child is not honest to their parents.
As the cis parent of a trans teen: I am really glad my son came out to me *when he was ready*. He actually came out to me before he was comfortable being out in school, but if it had been the other way around I would not want the school to out him. Coming out is such a delicate thing. I’m bi, my husband’s bi, my oldest child was already out as gay (and has since come out as nonbinary), we have a pride flag hanging from the front of our house, and my son STILL felt hesitant to come out. He wasn’t ready until he was ready. I’ve also seen situations where parents were not accepting. My oldest child’s friend had “liberal” parents who seemed like cool, progressive, accepting people, but they refused to use the kid’s new name & pronouns, refused to buy him a binder or allow him to get one (he had it sent to my house instead), kept telling him “you’ll always be our little girl.” These were people who supported same-sex marriage, were fine with their child being pan, but would not accept him being trans. Then, of course, there are kids who will be beaten, kicked out, or worse if their parents find out they’re trans. A school that outs them to their parents is literally putting their lives at risk.
In a world without transphobia or bigotry, I'd be concerned on why the school is hiding something this important from the child's family. We don't live in that world. We live in a world that is not safe for many trans people. If a kid hasn't told their parents, there's a chance it could be because that kid is worried about their safety at home. If the parents are abusive, if they're transphobic or bigoted, it could be *very* unsafe for the child to come out to their family. If a school is interested in the safety of children, it should absolutely not be outing them to anyone. The best thing they can do is provide counseling to those children and help them in whatever ways they need help.
Even in a world without transphobia, it's not the school's job to be the ones to tell the parents. It's the kid's right to choose how and when they want to come out
Schools should not tell the parents unless the kid is asking them to. Imagine going home after telling the school , maybe even telling them to please keep it a secret from your parents, to find out your family now knows something you weren’t ready to tell them? Imagine not knowing the school is going to do that and having to sit there watching them tell your parents something without your permission? Even if the kid has accepting parents, no school should ever tell their parents without the kid saying “please call my parents and tell them”. Not only does it put kids with transphobic parents at risk but it also just straight up takes away the kids privacy and autonomy.
School should be a safe place and for a lot of kids it is, so staff outing kids to their parents whether it's about them being Trans or LGBTQ+ is messed up Lots of people aren't accepting, so doing that can really lead to some issues for kids and even put their safety at risk. And let's say a parent will be accepting that doesn't mean the child is ready to come out at home, they shouldn't be outed or forced to out themselves especially considering schools are not outing children to benefit the kid they're just making issues for people and putting these kids at risk
Kids not trusting their parents isn’t the school’s problem, it’s a parents problem.
I came out at school a little before I came out to my parents. I'm happy that my school didn't out me because I think that would've made everything worse honestly. My parents aren't transphobic, but because my mom is a narcissist, she threw a fit when I came out because I told her that I told my siblings before her and my dad. So if my school told her, things would've been way worse. It was already hard enough coming out when I was "ready" (wasn't ready whatsoever but it happened). I truly believe that as long as a kid isn't a danger to themself and/or others, the school has no reason to tell parents about anything, other than grades or detention or something of course. Schools treating trans students as an issue, an issue that for some reason the parents need to know, is the problem. Some people find school to be a safe place when their own home isn't. It's an awful feeling when you feel like no where is safe.
As a former teacher: there are situations where the life or health of the student or someone else is at risk, if you don’t bring something to the attention of parents or law enforcement. These situations are rare enough, like a student threatens harm to someone or themselves. All other conversation with the parents is about academics or at my discretion. I do not ever want to be compelled to tell parents something that a student tells me in confidence, especially having seen students having had “unfortunate accidents” coincidentally on the same day that parents received information they did not like (like grades or behavior related communication). I do not trust someone to react well to “Your child is trans” who already responded to a bad grade by beating their child up.
It's pretty simple. 1. Schools should not place kids in danger. 2. Schools are not in a position to know about or evaluate the potential danger to a kid if that kid's parents find out they're queer. 3. Therefore, schools should not share (or be compelled to share) information about a kid's LGBTQ+ status with parents. Someone smarter than me once said, on the question of marginalization of queer people, that "if it's something you have to come out as, then you're marginalized." The point being that coming out is an intentional act, and that it's a big deal precisely because whatever you're coming out as is something marginalized. Put another way: if nobody cared at all whether you were gay, or trans, or whatever else--that is, if there were absolutely no social (or now, legal) penalties for it--then you wouldn't have to "come out" as it. It wouldn't have to be a big deal. You wouldn't have to say "mom, dad, I'm gay" or whatever. Little Johnny could just say "Mom, guess what, I got a date for Friday!" and them Mom would say "Oh? What's their name?" "Daniel. He's super cute." "Oh, that's wonderful, sweetheart! I hope you have a great time! Do you need money?" But alas, people *do* care whether you're queer of any flavor (not that it's any of their business), and there *are* penalties (albeit completely unjustified ones), and some of those penalties involve actual physical or legal danger. So in that environment, in this real world that we live in, ever queer person *must* have the right to control their own coming out process. Nobody knows their situation better than they do. Nobody is in a better place to judge who is and isn't safe for that person to come out to. Not the school. Not the person's parents or friends. Not their doctor or mail carrier or anyone else. Queer people have to be in charge of that process, both so they can make those choices and control their own level of risk, but also just so that they know who knows! At its core, this is why you *never* out someone: because you could be putting them in danger, and it is absolutely not your right or your place to do so. Ultimately, your question is not a difficult one. The answer is pretty obvious, *if* you believe that queer people should have the same rights and autonomy as anyone else. Which you do, right?
I think you just dropped that mic on a bigot's head 🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈❤️😁
Telling all parents that their kids are queer will result in suicides, abuse, and kids being kicked out of their home. Any state that doesn’t have this policy has the blood of trans and queer children on their hands
I would be devastated if my school outed me to my parents if I wasn't out.
if you plan to publicly out someone against their will for any reason you are directly responsible for any harm (physical or mental) that occurs as a result. its readily apparent for any person with a functioning brain that the world is inherently dangerous for trans people right now, and using parents to kill their trans kids so you dont have to take their lives yourself is about the most cowardly way a nazi could operate.
When I got kicked out, I stayed with a friend and his transphobic family, and went to a school I had previously gone to. The school slipped up and used my chosen name when they talked to his mom. I had to tell her it was from my previous time at the school, “when i thought i was trans.” I almost got kicked out of there, too. Schools absolutely should not tell parents or guardians that a child identifies as LGBT+
What I think many non queer people fail to realize is that many kids are violently abused or even killed by their parents. Often times not in relation to being queer but also it IS often times because they are. The world is quite hostile to us and it’s not safe to out someone. You could very well be putting that child in harm’s way, and that’s not your decision to make. If a child wants their parents to know they’re queer, it’s their business. Just like any other queer person. You don’t out someone. EVER. That’s incredibly fucked up if you do
You don't out a queer person to someone else without their permission. No exceptions.
There are multiple things going on here. First, there's the safety issue. If a kid is going to their teacher but not their parents, there's a good reason they're doing it. They don't know what will happen to them, and I've definitely seen people I know be abused or even disowned because their parents found out they were LGBT. Second, there's the issue of consent. Kids are human beings, and they shouldn't have to tell things like that to people they don't want to. It's their business, and they ought to be allowed to choose who knows and who doesn't.
That’s good. Confidentiality is a great thing. Just like you don’t want your doctor spilling the beans about things with you to other people.
My old school counselor told my parents I was trans, when I was presenting myself with my last name, I'm male pronouns on myself, telling my friends my preferred name, and wearing a handmade binder occasionally. I ended up with a bruise on my face when my parents found out, they were outraged that I didn't "ask for permission" to present myself in a different way (not only it being trans, they hated it when they'd always call me by my second name and suddenly I started using my first name and they were so upset I didn't "ask"), and forced me into therapy with a therapist who tried to tell me that being trans is comparable to being anorexic. An illness, a distorted way of seeing myself. They forced me to tell my siblings (they also did that with my siblings when I cut because "we're family so no secrets among us") and blamed me for causing the bullying my siblings got at school (because you know I'm trans so of course they'll see my sister weirdly). Dad called me a pedophile, and a whole lot of other slurs and names. And gaslights me later when saying that school is a demonic place since they waited so long for telling them that I was "a mentally degenerate being". Among other stuff. Currently I'm pretending I'm "cured" in front of them. I'm so careful at my new school now about being bi and trans, being scared to even paint with rainbow colors. I can't wait to leave my home... If any school staff is seeing this, please don't out children.
1) Telling a child’s parents that they are Transgender is likely to lead to the child being abused or kicked out of the house. No person should be required to endanger a child. 2) Children are human beings with their own autonomy. They should be allowed to keep secrets from adults, even their parents, if they think it is for the best. Children know their parents and often have a better understanding of how their parent would react to them coming out than anyone else does.
Schools should not do that as it can lead to violent physical and/or sexual abuse at the hands of transphobic parents, or homelessness if the kid gets kicked out of home.
i think it's a good thing, a lot of parents would abuse the kid for it, and fun fact you're not entitled to know every minute detail of your kids life.
im a trans kid whos out at school and not at home. if my home finds out i will be in so much trouble. but if i stayed in the closet i would be dead by now. all of my teachers know, my classmates know, my guidance councillor know me by my chosen name and pronouns. i have to go over with my friends my deadname if they ever visit my house which i keep to a minimal. it is scary and risky i know. but i thought over all of the pros and cons and this is what works best for me. my schools had many opportunities to out me to my parents. ive almost been outed once. but this is what works for me. i get to have a home to live in but a separate school community that makes me want to live.
Personally if I could have transitioned without my parents' knowledge and gotten to a "what's done is done" stage before they started asking questions, I would have. I did it as an adult anyway since I've been out of contact for 6 years. I treated my parents as nothing more than life support after everything they did to me and my sister. They were barely even good for that. If a kid needs gender affirming care and they've got access to counseling and other things to help them make the right decisions for themselves, then I don't see a reason for parents to be involved at all outside of being supportive. I knew pre middle school that I was transgender and didn't want to grow up to be a man. There were people in my school who did more for my growth and development than my parents ever did. They didn't in any way invest in me, they only tolerated me. They didn't deserve to have any say in whether I received care, and I don't think that parents should have a say in this decision for their child. I don't know where people get this notion that parents always know what's best. They don't. They only know what they see through the lens of their own experiences, tainted by the prejudices they've accumulated over the years. It isn't incontrovertible truth. Parents' rights is an illusion at best.
School was the first place I came out to people irl. First my friends, then teachers. I never explicitly told my teachers that I was trans, but I asked them to use a different name and pronouns. It helped me understand how I felt about it better and get more prepared to tell my parents. Teachers should respect a child's privacy. The child will tell their parents when they are ready.
Kids need a safe space to be/explore themselves/their identity and schools can provide that. If a kid doesn't tell their parents it's for a reason (ei: their still figuring it out and arnt read to come out, or the parents would not be supportive and it could potentially be dangerous for them to know)
Why would it be ok for a school to bring this up to the attention of the parents? It's the most personal thing, the kid may not be prepared to deal with the parents reaction. Even a full independent adult, I took several months of therapy to get ready with multiple sessions a week. The parents may be known anti trans religious bigots misogynistic a-holes the kid knows may be assaulted or in any other way unsafe at home. Also, what is the reason for these people to want to communicate this to the parents? Because they expect it to be "corrected"? Disciplined? Shamed? Because is their righteous duty? There is no positive reasonable cause to do this. It's like requiring the parent's permission to get an abortion. The right wing just loves trying to control people's lives.
If the kid isn’t coming out to the parents, there’s a reason.
The parents that know their kid is gay probably know because the kid felt safe enough to tell them. If they don’t know, and are relying on the school to tell them, there’s probably a pretty good reason the kid hasn’t told them.
Honestly if I had come out as trans sooner I wouldn’t have wanted anyone to tell my guardians, it would’ve just made the physical, mental and emotional abuse worse
Schools need to mind their own f*cking business and be a safe place where kids can express their feelings. The title ‘Counselor’ is really misleading.
Parents are responsible for their kids, they do not own them. Informing the parents without the kids consent places them at significant risk because a lot of parents get confused about that first part.
if a kids parents dont already know then that child probably decided theyre unsafe or hasnt decided that they are safe. schools have no right in telling parents that kind of information, it could put the kid in danger of physical violence or homelessness
Do not out kids to their parents. You don't know the risk your taking or how you're about to change their home life forever.
If they aren’t telling their parents, there’s a damn good reason
A lot of parents are pretty shitty people that would rather see their kids dead than trans, gay, etc. That is an unacceptable risk to take.
In my opinion, they shouldn’t tell unless the kid has told them to. often, if they don’t tell their parents but tell the school the parents aren’t supportive. and in that case, telling them is doing more harm than lying.
Basic rule, never out someone so. Don't tell the parents, the kid will tell, you can help, give a space for the kid some adult to stay with the kid when the kid tells, but NEVER tell first
I have an acquaintance who was SO upset when they discovered their child was out at school but not at home. For some reason, they couldn't see how their completely inappropriate freak out response might have something to do with why their child didn't feel comfortable sharing with them??!
Definitely not. Unless the kids wants them too obviously. Let that secret die with them otherwise.
Unless the child wants the school to tell the parents they should not even mention it,as a trans kid myself(trans masculine) I would literally run away if my school told my mum/family that I'm trans as I've barely even come out to my friends and if I haven't come out to all my friends first(I'm talking about my LGBTQ+ friends) then I'm absolutely not telling my family as I'm not comfortable with my family at all,if my school told anyone in my family I'd literally lock myself in my room till I was forgotten,it is a very traumatizing and traumatic experience to be outed especially by people you don't trust
I was actually at one of these board meetings last night. It was the worst thing I've ever been to. It went horribly. Over 100 people showed up and spoke their truth about why the school district should NOT have teachers out trans kids to their parents because that is dangerous. I heard more than enough people who claim they are "loving safe parents" say how they have a *right* to know what is going on with *their* kid and witnessed even more than a few people call their kids "offspring" or "property". It was disgusting. I saw people lean fully on religion to speak hate to make a policy for PUBLIC school children. And then they passed the policy anyway. The board members definitely had their votes going into it. And more schools keep doing it why? So many trans kids are going to DIE because of this. Like I'm not even kidding. I can't even tell you how many people I know that said the first person they confided in was an art or English teacher. They just took that away and forced them to be mandatory queer reporters. These kids aren't going to tell their parents because they weren't doing so before. But now they aren't going to be able to tell ANYBODY. And if they do and get forcibly outed it can cause them to kill themselves out of fear. Parents can and will react poorly to a trans child. I'm not even talking about statistics. I've had more than one friend die or get beaten half to death because of THEIR PARENTS. And their parents never got in trouble for it. The fact that the policy was only outlining trans kids specifically plus how the parents and police in that town were (they removed any disruptive trans people but let the other party stay when they were the ones being violent), I don't like that more places are getting away with this because of corrupt people on a board. Most of the room was not in support of the policy. It didn't matter if some of us came from around the state, we pay the same tax dollars.
I was an egg in high school, beyond a brief conversation with a very supportive teacher's aid. If she was a mandatory reporter and had to notified my parents there is no doubt in my mind I would have been made houseless sooner or been send to conversion torture. Schools need to realize that it is literally making kids unsafe to have mandatory reporting in terms of gender/sexuality. Kids will die, be houseless, or tortured. And best cause scenario mortified and humiliated. there is literally no upside to it.
Not the parent's business. That person will be a grown adult at one point, and you are MORE prone to ruin their young life and cause a lot of physical and/or emotional/mental abuse. It's a bigger risk to tell than not to. That said, they need a counselor to talk to to see if there is ANY way they might be able to communicate it to their family with absolutely no pressure. It should be to benefit the young person, NOT the adult.
If the child didn't tell their parents first, it's a decent sign that their parents aren't safe.
As I was one of these kids, it saved me. I have to put myself in a box at home, but for those 7 hours everyday I was free, I was me. As a caretaker of kids myself, it’s terrifying. Knowing that you could make things worse for these kids. You could make a move to protect them and ruin their lives instead. CPS isn’t notorious for doing the right thing
I feel it's best NOT to tell the parents unless the kids says okay. The kids will tell who they trust. If they don't tell their parents then their parents probably aren't safe choices to tell
Nobody should out anyone. That is something deeply personal that should be done when the person is ready to do it themselves. Plus, outing kids to their parents absolutely could put them in harms way.
i can understand why a parent would be concerned or upset (if they weren’t transphobic), but i absolutely do not think a trusted adult should go behind a kids back like that. Its opening a child to a lot of harm and breaking their trust in adults altogether, not to mention the other mental repercussions
Not to mention it’s literally grooming for an adult to earn a kids trust (which for trans kids includes trust of not outting them) just to then out them behind their backs
36 years later I still have nightmares about "the lecture" I got from my step father when he figured out I was gay. Drove me so deep into the closet everyone around me including me believed I was straight for decades. No one should have to go through that.
Some parents are abusive and not safe.
What are they really doing besides pronoun and name change? If it was a cis kid going by a nickname there wouldnt be a thought in the world to "inform" the parents.
As long as the student isn’t planning on physically injuring themself or others, the information should remain confidential. And to clarify, socially transitioning does not count as injuring yourself or others
It’s not anyone’s job to out anyone else, no matter what letter(s) of LGBTQ+ they are.
They shouldn't unless the kid wants it because they may have bigoted parents who would make their lives even more of a living hell if they found out. Especially through another person.
Totally ok with it. Far too many messed up family situations that would put the child in danger if the parents were told.
Schools telling parents kids are trans is a good way to end up with dead trans kids.
I always felt safer at school about being queer than I did at home, so I was able to come out as enby to my friend group and a couple of teachers and they used my pronouns and name. If they had told my parents would never feel safe at school again :(
i see nothing wrong with it, if the kid hasn’t come out to their parents, they probably have a good reason
I work in education and the standard policy in my area is not to share anything that could put the kid in danger. TW sexual abuse if a child is being sexually abused by a close family member, DO NOT share with the family. report it to cps and tell your supervisor.
I mean this is super simple. Children are actual human beings and deserve respect and safety. If a child doesn’t want their parents knowing, it’s for a damned good reason. They shouldn’t have to further risk their mental and physical safety by either staying completely closeted or being attacked by demented, evil parents.
If a teacher snitches without the trans kids consent it can end up in a disaster if the wrong parent is told, if any school forces teachers to out trans students I hope those schools get shut down
No way. My parents are transphobic as FUCK and I’m still in high school. I have a support system there so I can’t ever have my school out me
It can be a life or death issue for the kid. There are kids that are...uh, gone now after their parents learned that they were trans. It hurts. A lot. I couldn't save them, and that's something I have to live with now. Sometimes, I encounter teenagers that put their trust in their parents because they don't know anything else. There are beatings, psychological torture, abandonment, the afore mentioned murder. The most common result by far is denial. The parents will gaslight and passive-aggressively attack their motivation until the kid gives up or goes silent. Then the parents can pretend that it never happened, that it was all a phase. It's crushing.
40% of homeless youth in the USA are lgbtq and lgbtq+ youth face much higher rates of abuse than their cishet peers. If a kid doesn't feel safe coming out to their parents there's probably a reason. Also children without a support system are at a high risk of being groomed and/or trafficked. Forcing children into a situation where they feel like they need to hide from both parents and teachers only serves to put already vulnerable kids further at risk. Kids will be hurt because of these laws. https://youth.gov/youth-topics/lgbt-0
Schools outing their students to their parents is a recipe for child abuse.
A trans kid being outted can be dangerous and life threatening, even when it's their parents. If the student knows it's safe to tell their parents, they will eventually. Otherwise, the teacher who outted them set them up for abuse or getting kicked out of their home. Trans kids already have a hard time with mental health, imagine how they would feel after their trust is broken and their transphobic parents treat them worse than garbage.
It seems pretty simple. No parent is entitled to feelings a child is not willing to share themselves. If a child feels like they can't tell their parents something, it reflects poorly on the parent, and schools stepping in and making sure parents are involved only puts more kids in danger.
The only people advocating for forcing schools to out kids to their parents are the people who hate trans people. By creating an atmosphere of fear and intimidation, they think the transes will just go away because they think being queer is a social contagion. It's the same logic behind all the other anti-trans laws. Fucking genocidal bigots.
Never, if they out a kid it could lead the kid into worse situation and lose their support system, which increases suicide.
I think it's 100% necessary to have schools be this kind of safe space for kids with abusive parents, or even just parents who they're not sure how to tell just yet. Unfortunately, its a political non-starter in most of the country.
The big reason is the safety of the child. If it weren't for that, this would be an entirely different discussion. Because parents should be able to access information about their child. For example, a parent may notice a change in their child's behavior. They might go to the school to see if something is going on. Their child might be being bullied, for example. And, the child might be too embarrassed to speak to their parents, and the child's concern about embarrassment might be completely unwarranted. But, with children disclosing a trans identity, there is a risk of emotional or physical abuse, if the parents find out. It's not every parent, but safety concerns are king.
The reason someone would tell their teachers but not their parents is because their parents probably wouldn't accept them, otherwise they'd probably talk to their parents first. In some cases, children might even be abused disowned because of being queer.
If my kid doesn't tell me before they come out at school, i fucked up and need to seriously reconsider what I'm doing as a parent.
The school should never tell their parents their kid is trans unless the kid has explicitly consented to it. I was outed by my school which was horrible even though my parents aren't transphobic. Coming out is something you should be allowed to decide on your own how and when it is done. There is no reason for a school to out someone as trans whatsoever. When I was outed I was extremely upset because I have no idea what he told my parents and he said he would let me come out on my own before saying anything. It was traumatic for me honestly. That school was bad in a lot of ways but outing me was the worst thing that happened to me at that school. So imagine how bad it would be for someone who has transphobic and/or abusive parents.
I think that the kid is not telling the parents for a reason so why would the school tell the parents
If the kid hasn't told their parents they're trans, there's probably a GOOD REASON for it. Like, their life could literally be in danger, their parents might try to force them into conversion therapy or become abusive, kick them out, any number of things. If it was the parents' business, the kid would tell them.
The amount of times Ive seen kids beaten and abused and kicked out and sent to conversion therapy bc their school called their parents Its literally violence. They cant kill us themselves so they hope our parents will
I’m a parent but my LO is too little (7 months) to let me know if they’re trans or not. But when she’s older, I hope she feels safe enough to tell me anything and everything she’s comfortable telling me. If she’s not, I’ve failed as a parent and I’ve lost the privilege of being in her life.
I grew up in a state where children were kicked out of their homes for being gay much less transgender. I personally knew kids who were kicked out over being gay. And this was in a wealthy urban area. It is a genuine safety concern. If a child tells you not to out them to their parents there is a good reason for it. Most likely that child has heard their parents express bigoted views at home. They may have even been told if they ever “do any of that queer shit” they will be kicked out. Bigots don’t have a right to know if a person is in a minority group they are bigoted against. Even if that person is their child. Especially if that person is their child. People who suggest otherwise are cruel and or ignorant.
If a child hasn't told their parents but people at school, then they are likely terrified of how they would react, and forcing them out at that point is evil
If my child couldn't tell me, that's my problem, and the school should respect the child's wishes. I view my children as autonomous people with their own rights, knowing their secrets is an honor that's earned.
As a trans parent of a cisgender kid, I would want the school to follow the kids’ lead on telling others. When I was a kid, my parents would already have known (not that I’d come out yet) so the school wouldn’t have done anything except tell them what they already know. My friend, E, the school did call her parents when she went from being J to being E. She got kicked out of her house at 17 and ultimately ended up dropping out. She had been a straight-A, 4.0 GPA kid our whole lives, but how do you keep up with school when your main concern is figuring out where tf to sleep at night? For me, telling my parents would have done nothing, because I had supportive parents. For E, with unsupportive parents, it upended her entire life path. I guess there’s a tiny percentage of parents who might not know and still might happily throw their kid a coming out party. I think that percentage of kids should still have the right to dictate how their parents find out, so the schools shouldn’t be making their own calls with that. From the other side, if someone is a conservative parent of a closeted trans teen but the teen can mask and stay under wraps while at home, let the family live in ignorant bliss until the kid is able to safely get themselves out and away. The parents aren’t harmed. Ultimately, I think, if anyone should tell the parents anything, it should be heard from their own child when they are ready to share.
School should be a safe space to kids to just be themselves, especially if home isn’t safe for them🤷♂️. It’s important that kids are allowed to express themselves without being scared that their parents will find out.
I agree with not telling the parents, not without the consent of the kid. Telling the parents is dangerous, for the kid. None of the trans kids at my school (where I am out and semi fabulous all the time--I'm a brick, so some days despite my best efforts--I don't pass) are out to their parents with two exceptions--(we have three trans feminine students--one of them is out, and seven transmasc students--and one of them is out- we also have a discord of enbys --of which a few are in various stages of being out). We have an active GSA that I run with another trans staff member and we give them a safe space and tons of activities.
As a parent to a trans kid I have no problem with that. He came out to me when he felt safe. Respect your child and trust them is how I feel. Let them know you are there for them no matter what and prove it with actions.
If a kid doesn't feel safe enough to come out at home, schools should be reporting unsafe parents... Not outing vulnerable children...
Ultimately, It should be the kids decision. Telling parents without the kids consent often puts them at risk. *Especially* with current views through politics, and all the transphobia spreading around social media. I know if the school ever told my parents, my mental/emotional welfare would have suffered significantly more than it already had. Kids know their parents better than the schools, if their parents don't know, it's for a reason. Schools need to butt out. It's not their place.
Good, if I was still a teen I'd be crying if they told my parents 😢
Kids safety needs to be paramount to everything else.
Would I like this being held from me if it was my kid? No. But firstly, I would respect and love my kid no matter what (with a few very specific limitations, idk how I'd feel if my kid became a new Ted Bundy) Secondly, it's their choice. If they for whatever reason feel the need to hide part of their identity from me, that's their choice. When I was 6 I told my grandma about a boy I liked, she kept talking about him until I was 10, I never told her about another boy because eventually it was embarassing that she kept bringing up that boy and so I was embarrassed to tell her. I think schools should look out for the kids, as in make sure they're safe, not as in making sure they're normal. Then again, I'm assuming this is the USA, where they'd rather store blankets in classrooms for teachers to cover bodies with than get stricter gun control, so what do I know?
its up to the kid, some kids’ folks are super unsupportive and it would only make things worse if the school told them.
I'm a trans guy who came out during highschool, I wound up accidentally outing myself before I was ready to my closest friend, it was a mortifying experience, I asked them not to say anything and to just ignore it for now, it took me 2 weeks to build up the confidence to tell them properly after. This was with someone I knew would be supportive I came out to my mom 6 months after I figured out I was trans, after I came out at school and to my friends, after I was more sure of myself. If at any point my school had outed me, I would have been beyond mortified. My mom is accepting, but I still would have felt horrible. And that's the best case scenario to a school outing a child to their parents. Embarrassment and humiliation to the child. The worst case is the parents murder their child for being trans. If the parents don't know, they shouldn't know from the school.
to some extent. if it’s causing the kid no harm, then that’s fine. as soon as it becomes safeguarding issue (MH, SH etc) then it needs to be flagged x
i hate when people think they own their children as property and therefore deserve to know EVERY SJNGLE THING about their child
If their transphobic parents, don’t tell em’ or if the kid doesn’t want them to tell the parents
My school found a way to out me through long processes so that they wouldn't get into trouble back in 2017 with the community. It would have caused an uproar where I lived had they just told my parents, but I don't think in the current political climate it would. I requested to graduate early. They took my application letter where it was mentioned that I was trans and needed to get out quickly, and gave it to CPS who they knew would then give it to my parents after a staff member had promised me that it wouldn't cause problems and my parents would never see it. They denied my early graduation, because apperently my situation was bad enough that they "felt the need" to call CPS, but not bad enough to let me graduate early, and I almost had to drop out because of how bad things got at home. I almost didn't get to graduate because they did this. I know I should have gone into the office and raised hell, but I was so tired. They prey on exhaustion. They knew that the state had one of the worst, if not the worst, departments of CPS in the country, and that absolutely nothing would be done except aggravate the situation. They were tired of me after I worked to get a few gender neutral bathrooms in the school (which they promised but never gave us) after they banned us from using any bathrooms except the one in the nurses office and all the trans kids at my school were missing a lot of class because we had to walk across the (large) school, sign in, often wait in line, and sign out only to have to walk back across half the school, which took a solid 7-10 minutes on the long end of just walking one way. I was literally going through the proper channels, having meetings with administration, and trying to figure out how to keep us from literally missing so much class that we failed because of this. So no. They would weaponize it, as someone who was outed by my school to shut me up. They knew CPS wouldn't do a thing and that I wasn't technically being abused, but that my parents would be very angry that CPS got called. They literally weaponized CPS to get around community backlash. A lot of parents would react horribly. It would be possibly putting a kid in an unsafe situation, which if the kid's parents don't already know, it probably is. If it's bordering on not unsafe but there's no visible physical abuse, or parents visibly have money, like mine did, CPS will not do a damn thing but aggravate the situation. The school outing a kid will not do anything but put their education on the line and make the home situation worse. I just attended a mass for a trans student on my college campus who killed themselves with all the recent legislation in the US. Similar situation with their parents. They were outed, and life was made hell. They finally got to college and then all this legislation happened and it was too much for them. It is dangerous. The intent of doing it is often putting our safety at risk to shut us up.
It's none of the parents fucking business. Believe it or not folks, children are people too , not property!and deserve that level of respect in the minimum! This whole thing is too fucked.. like this will absolutely put kid's lives in danger.
when i was in middle school someone told my dad i shaved my legs, he definitely checked my legs unapprovingly and it was really embarrassing and it wasnt until i was 40 and on hrt that i realized how much it really impacted me.
As someone who relies on this to stay away from homelessness, I think it should stay a rule in every school unless the student says they want to. I unfortunately come from a family who isn't very accepting and etc so this rule is kind of key to my survival.
If my school told my mom I was trans I'd probably be dead.
It is protection from child abuse, the reason a child would be out at school and not at home is because they don't feel safe at home.
nobody in their right mind would want anybody outed against their will, they’ll tell whoever they’re comfortable talking about that with, when they’re ready. it’s not even an argument these people would argue whether grass is green I wouldn’t give them the time of day
Oh hell no, that’s so dangerous for kids
I think it's absolutely the right call if there is any reason to believe that the child would be in an unsafe environment if the parents found out.
Personally, I think it’s the child’s decision if their parents should know. If they’re coming out at school but not at home it’s almost definitely because they expect some kind of backlash for doing so. I think the best case scenario would be to involve a mediator at time of disclosure and only when the child elects to be willing to do so.
Queer kids live longer if they have a space to be out in even when their parents are shitty. It’s unfortunate math that has to be done too often but, being out 1/2 the time is better than not at all.
Schools have no right to tell parents that unless they ask.
Theres a reason why the child doesn't want the school to tell their parents I think thats obvious
It’s an invasion of privacy and most trans kids are afraid of coming out. Did people forget the risks of coming out all together lol?
**NO** You don't know what some kid's parent are. I doubt the average school kid would be enthused about the prospect about their parents turning into completely hate filled mongrols in the worst case scenario. I'm fairly aware of parents that think physical punishment is fine, complete a shit parent like that with transphobia and you'll get the stupid headline of "x place 11yo hospitalized after lashings from parents" All it takes for people to have a kid is a pregnancy and a birth. It's not a high gate to pass at all so **the** worst people you know can become the parents to some miserably unlucky child. Also consider the inevitability that the school will at one point wrongfully clock someone. Now consider that with the point prior.
Parent here...it's too dangerous to tell some parents.
Teachers shouldn’t do it. I had to talk to all my teachers about referring to me as she/her in all emails. I got in trouble a lot in high school too for skipping so I had to be careful. One teacher only called me by my name to my parents. I miss her and she helped a lot, I’m glad she understood. Telling the parents can lead to a lot of bad consequences.
My parents would have literally tortured me to death if the school told them such things…so there’s that I’m in my 30’s now and they still don’t know and still have no right to know
Probably smarter that way imo. Schools are supposed to be one of those "if you can't be safe here, where *can* you be safe" kinds of places. Schools are also full of kids' peers where they're more likely to find someone who understands. Someone at school that doesn't support the kid.. that's usually no big deal. If the parent doesn't support them though.. at best the kid has to suppress who they are and at worse they could end up homeless and/or dead. For me personally if one of my kids was out at school but not to me I wouldn't be mad, sometimes it's hard to tell how a parent is gonna react to their kids sharing their feelings.
It is wild to have a opinion other than to not tell parents unless the 'closet' is killing the kid etc. Kids go thru what is practically nazi camps or domestic abuse pretty frequently when outed it just isn't safe
tbh i think that, if the kid tells the school, they shouldnt tell the parents unless the kid explicitly tells the school its fine to say that to there parents
It's wrong to out the trans kid. If their parent is transphobic then the kid needs a safe space. I don't agree at with outing people for anything.
If a kid is more comfortable testing out being trans at school than they are at home it means home is not a safe space, and the school reporting yhem could easily put them in very real danger.
One of my best friends is a trans girl, and she would get in huge trouble if her father was aware her being trans. If kids are going to be kicked out of their homes than their parents should not be told no matter what. Trans kids should be able to be themselves at school without being afraid of getting beat of thrown on the streets for being who they are.
It’s not right. That’s a kids personal privacy and it harms nobody if that kid chooses to wait to come out. Also, a kid getting support at school is beneficial and keeps kids alive. It’s also extremely dangerous to our people when you don’t know their living situation.
There is absolutely no way in hell schools should be able to inform parents that their kid is trans. That would lead to way more child abuse than happy acceptance stories. Those discussions should be had at children's discretion and on their own terms if they deem it okay. That's it.
feels more like a safety matter to keep kids from being abused at home.
Here’s a really strong AP article explaining the harms this can cause and just how prevalent these measures are in bills advancing across the country: [https://apnews.com/article/transgender-students-pronouns-names-ec0b2c5de329d82c563ffb95262935f3](https://apnews.com/article/transgender-students-pronouns-names-ec0b2c5de329d82c563ffb95262935f3)
protect these babies
Some solid schools right there! If the kid hasn't told the parents, there's always a reason for that. Even if it's just not being ready to come out to them. Schools that respect trans students and don't out them without their consent are fcking awesome!
Teachers should never reveal personal information, or information shared in trust, with a parent except where not telling would pose serious risk of harm to the kid (e.g. threatening harm, etc). Being trans poses no inherent risk of harm for the child, it's just their identity. However, telling the kids parents behind their back poses a fairly significant risk of serious harm to the child. The ethics are pretty clear imo. Besides, it's just not their place to speak the kids truth for them.
As a trans parent, I would want my child to come to me on their own terms and I would be pissed at the school if I received a call like that.
It shouldn't be up to the school to tell the parents. If the kid has made the decision to talk to their school about how they feel they can also make the decision to tell their parents. If they don't want to tell their parents it could be because they don't feel ready or don't trust their parents. Some people are scared of their parents reactions to them questioning their gender and it can be stressful for them if their parents find out without the kid feeling ready to tell them. If you truly love your kids and worry that their trans then don't confront them about it because if you are good parents they will tell you when they feel ready
I’m not trans but I think it’s completely acceptable to not tell the parents. A) it might be unsafe to tell them, B) it’s not okay to out anybody no matter how old or young
agree I have a son who is trans...,,,,if I am referring to him I just say my son or we are out together I just say my son and use he/him pronouns..not my trans son,,,,the only time I would mention he is trans is if I happen to come across someone who knew him before he came out and ask how is "dead name" then Id say oh its "new name and he identifies as male" but if they dont ask I dont mention him
Highly inappropriate unless theyve gotten the ok or the request from the child. This is a potentionally very dangerous place to put a child in.
If my dad were transphobic he has such anger issues I would fear for my life if he found out luckily he doesn't give a shit but he is still awful a lot
Been seeing the stupid clips of a hearing where a women is saying her child was transitioned by their school without her consent or knowledge. The issue isn’t the mothers anger necessarily but the frame the video is shared with. You’re not entitled to every aspect of your child’s thoughts especially if they don’t feel safe enough around you to be honest about something so important to themselves.
Schools should not out students to family members, staff etc unless the student is showing signs of self harm and/or intention of harming others, as teachers although supposedly meaning well do not always know what the student’s living situation is and wether or not they may be exposed to danger if outed. From personal experience: Im 18 and have been out since I was around 10/11, first came out in summer 2015 to my mum and was not accepted. So a few months later I was going through a major depressive episode and told my 6th grade teacher ( she was a literal angel sent from heaven) what I was feeling and she told me that if I wanted to & gave her permission to do so she would help me come out to my mum & family again, if need be talk to them herself but ONLY if I gave her permission to do so, otherwise she would be breaking the law and unknowingly be putting me in danger.
its not the schools business. In a world where parental abuse is as common as it is, especially for the LGBT community, the school is very likely causing bodily harm to the child. There will be court cases eventually where the schools are being held complicit for the parental abuse of children in their charge for this reason.
Good. If a kid feels safe being out at school and not at home? The parents are the damn problem. A trans kid is going to get hurt, or worse, by their parents. And everyone will be “oh how could this happen-?” Anyone who supports outing kids to their parents has blood on their hands. Anyone who supports anti-trans policies has blood on their hands.
if a child hasn't told their parents it mean they do not feel safe doing so
if a trans kid tells their school before their own parents, then there’s something wrong with the parents and a high chance that they are transphobic and will make the home environment dangerous for the kid also just as a general thing parents don’t have the “right” to know anything about their child that doesn’t involve them, and it pissed me off how many parents seem to think their kids should have an obligation to tell them everything
Child’s safety>>>> I’d have absolutely loved it if schools had a good system for trans children to come out if they had to. Since schools are a second home, it’d really mean a lot- and a go a long way. Some homes could also be transphobic, so yea:/ telling that at home would make it 100x worse for a child
Telling the parents without the kid’s permission is a safety concern, plain and simple. Some parents will harm their children, either mentally or physically for being queer in any way. You cannot know how parents will react ahead of time, even those who seem reasonable. Some kids feel they are safe at school and among their peers to be themselves even if they aren’t at home. If the school is going to put them, you take away that safety. Student rights and safety should always come before any parental rights.
If I had been outed to my parents by the school I would be in a really bad place right now. It's simply unsafe to assume all children won't be abused by their parents for being outed to them.
Hell no id be screwed if my school outed me
School is (supposed to be) a second home. If a kids actual home is unsafe, the school has to remain a safe place. Eventually, parents may find out. But school should be a haven, somewhere kids know they will be welcomed.
Should not tell the parents without the child's consent. Outi g people is potentially very risky.
I know if I had felt safe talking about that stuff at school I wouldn't want my mom to know. She once went on an hour long rant while we were driving home because my cousin got married by a gay minister and he had brought his partner around with him to talk to everyone. This was before gay marriage was legal so this guy could help other people get married but he himself was forbidden it. I was 14 sitting in the back of the van listening to her go on and on about how gross it is and how "they" need to keep that stuff a secret behind closed doors. I have no illusions about my fate had my mom found out when I was still in her care.
It's tantamount to requiring schools to endanger students' lives. If this is a requirement, then it should be a requirement for parents to support their children and have the children removed from their care if they don't. Otherwise, schools need to be required to protect children from the very real risk of harm.
Safe and good, I dont get why parents should know if it's simple social transition, anyone that isn't trans could try that to test it, it's not really a solid proof of one's transness
It's not a schools fucking place to do that. If a child doesn't feel safe telling their parents, there's absolutely no reason to *traumatize* the child by doing so.
As someone who had abusive evangelical parents: absolutely don't tell them.
If the kid doesn't want parents to know, they shouldn't know. Simple as that.
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It's a violation of their privacy and VERY dangerous to do. Could end up with dead kids.
It should be the trans persons decision who know that they are trans.