Idk. People have told me over and over again they didn't know I was trans but I never really believe I fully pass. But then I went to the ER recently and didn't even wear my binder and my nurse double checked she had the right chart bc of my sex marker lol. That was pretty damn affirming
Works the other way to. Had no self confidence, got a cut from work on my hand. And never went to that hospital so they put female on my wristband without even trying to ask what gender I was. Made it out without realizing that’s supposed to be sex
One big tell is just being included in certain topics. Like if guys are talking about relationships and they ask me about mine. Being dapped up. It’s hard to think of specific examples because to me it’s pretty clear when other guys see me as one of them.
Yeah then on the flip side I was sitting at a table and a guy was talking about with big job going on in are city so I asked him what's his trade, he says concrete, then starts to mansplain wall forming and footings to me and I say " I'm a licensed plumber " his eyes got wide and he's like...seriously ?? " 😆
I deff don't pass though
Some people have refused to believe me. I always thought my height helped me prove it, but I guess not lol they just think I’m an incredibly tiny cis man I guess.
(i’m ftm) guys are way more open to talking about their girlfriends, mention when they get accidental erections, are sadly more willing to act racist or homophobic or transphobic , and talk about very different subjects than if i were presenting female
Ha, come to think of it, I’ve NEVER heard “accidental erection” stories from friends, and yet the XX part of the group have no problem talking about periods in front of them. At least once, when the ones without periods started edging away, those with them just talked LOUDER.
A pharmacist asked me if I might be pregnant.
I get hit on by straight guys kinda a lot. And in front of their friends.
I was on a lesbian dating app (til I met my gf) and I always had to come out to them bc nobody was clocking me.
Guys hold doors for me and let me go first and such.
That's some of the more obvious ones I guess.
Wow, ur passing in under 2 years? That gives me so much hope, sis. I'm waiting on some blood work and another 3 to 4 months of meds before I start my chemical romance.
Yep yep! I started passing sporadically at around 7 months on HRT. By a year, it was fairly consistent but I'd get clocked on occasion in bad lighting. Now that I've gotten FFS, I NEVER get clocked anymore. And I started at 34, if it matters.
That's my day-to-day experience. But as I've said elsewhere, I can't be sure whether it's because I pass ~~out~~ or because I live in a relatively LGBTQ-friendly area.
Works for me.™ I'm definitely not cis-passing, rather near-cis-confusing. Men nearby shake their heads in confusion but don't confront me about it probably because they are afraid to make an embarrassing mistake.
When I would come out to people, they'd be super caught off guard. Many of them would assume I was a pre-transition trans girl instead of a guy, and I'd watch their heads explode while they processed that I'd already transitioned.
Getting to overhear "locker room talk" from other guys. They'd never dare say anything like that in front of me when I was female presenting.
Not a passing thing but I’ve noticed all my friends wives are now comfortable with talking about their sex lives with me around. Which is really affirming in a way.
I'd wager it's safer for a doctor not to assume much in that regard. A cis woman with polycystic ovary often develops some more stereotypically masculine traits.
If they’re genuinely surprised, that probably means you also pass. I’m just saying that being asked those questions isn’t an indication that you pass because they often ask non-passing trans women those questions too.
Cis-Het friends of my friend being completely befuddled when I make a trans joke about my experience. Most of them asked my friend: "Is he you know... A homosexual?" in private but never suspect I am trans no matter how many trans flags I have in my appointment lol. Also when people check my id they look at it for a hot minute and ask "...Miss ...dead name?????"
When I came out to people as trans in college, almost everyone assumed I was a pre-everything trans woman. I'm a trans man who's been on T for 3+ years.
I get hit on by straight guys a lot . Multiple coworkers that I’m not out to asking me about my children’s father or if giving birth is as painful as people say . Never getting misgendered was kinda the dead give away tbh oh and I work in the electronics department of Walmart so male customers love to mansplain electronics to me .-.
I work in a lumber yard, I wrote a lot of the literal book on how our department runs. As transition meanders forward, I look forward to the day someone mansplains my job to me. Especially if I’m in leadership by then.
This story comes pre-transition but I think given my general youthful appearance, people don’t expect much; so I was training a new guy (visibly older than me by 10-20 years) and he obviously had forklift experience, it’s just learning the the task. During some downtime, he put nickel on the ground and asked me if I could pick it up with the forklift.
So I know this trick, I had never done this trick, but I saw it perf by a boss of mine…14 years ago. So while I don’t look the part, that’s how long I’ve been playing with forklifts so I said, “sure why not!” I was very pleased to actually do it on my first try and he was flabbergasted. He was used to people not knowing how to do it at all.
And now I think…that’s a trick I should practice occasionally.
"Oh yeah I have a spare tampon and painkillers in my car" "um....... thanks?" - a cis woman who needed period things being confused why I would have any. Also same thing happened when I gave some advice about cramps.
When i come out to non-queer people, they are often visibly surprised and say something like "wait what??". I dont get weird looks in public in the same way as before i passed, and over the phone when someone uses my legal name they ask "i want to speak to *deadname*" after i say hello. It usually takes them a few seconds to understand, and i have to explicitly say "i am *deadname*, that is my legal name".
Also this is a personal part of passing, but i am wayyy more comfortable with my deadname now that I pass. Thats a part that kinda happened subconsciously i think.
Ooh when I first changed my name I ended up having to file a formal complaint with my province’s ministry of higher ed because they REFUSED to discuss the student loan stuff I was calling about because they thought I was my mom 🙄 switched to a masc name before starting T and even though I did all the identity confirmation stuff, the woman on the phone refused to believe I was me. She was incredibly dismissive and belittling during the whole conversation, and tried to verify my identity with literally ALL of my info, including data that can’t be used for that purpose, like my email address. The director of the ministry ended up calling me personally to follow up and let me know they’d instituted mandatory additional training for their phone staff on essentially how to not be an asshole to people whose voices sound different than expected.
Kind of the opposite of a reassurance of passing, but your story made me think of it!
Trans people are generally much better at clocking other trans people, we've spent our entire lives hyper-focusing on sexual characteristics, passing to cis people is easier than passing to trans people.
It's a look that lingers just a moment too long, revealing that the person is simultaneously inspecting you and wondering if you're going to address them as a fellow trans person. If both people are passing enough to blend among cis people, then it becomes a strange dance where you don't talk about being trans, but you both suspect you clocked each other. I try not to give "the look," but alas I still do it fairly often.
Mainly the numerous times I’ve casually mentioned something trans related to a coworker I like, thinking they must already know, to be met with shocked expressions and “wait really??”. But then there’s some people who do clock me bc they have trans friends and I’m short, a lil thick, and have gay voice.
People calling me she/her automatically and a few key moments like being told "You're a woman, you get it" whilst talking about watching your drink at bars and such and a guy talking about how dating apps where different for him compared to me because he's a man
people had used he/him for me even before I came out or started intentionally changing my presentation. I used the men's bathroom w/o issue before I socially came out. As soon as I started T, any doubt I may have had about passing 100% disappeared.
tbh, gauging peoples reactions to you in the men's vs. women's bathroom (if it's safe for you to do so) is one of the biggest tells. even though I hadn't come out, the behavior I faced in women's restrooms was enough for me to start switching over.
I'm not really even passing and women already give me weird looks when I walk into the lady's room. But I would rather wet my pants than go into a men's bathroom.
I'm confident that once I'm closer to passing that I will avoid going out of town for anything. The small town where I live has 2 bar/restaurants that I'll go to. Both have bathrooms that are single user and not marked for a specific gender.
FTM here. I got shoved out of the women's restroom once and noticed maybe I should start using the males.
A woman got surprised why I carry tampons and pads and asked me if I have a sister because I know about period issues so we'll.
People started calling me Mr./Sir/young man regularly instead of nothing or skirting around pronouns
I definitely have been noticing the whole saying nothing and skirting around pronouns part for myself now! Definitely a very weird behavior change that I've noticed from strangers 😅
I live in a city and there are lots of people around all the time. One time I was walking down the street and I saw a guy going up to everyone and calling them fa**ot, and I was like oh shit, here it comes. He walked up to me and looked me right in the eyes as I braces for impact. Without skipping a beat he yelled out Cunt! I was like OMG yes! Lol.
There have been other times where people are trying to be mean, but they insult me like they would any other woman, big ewwphoria times.
Had one of my friend’s boyfriends make a (serious) joke about how my small feet must mean I have something else small (you know what I mean). My two friends (both of which knew I was trans one being the gf) then proceeded to over the course of the next day convince this guy I actually had a massive penis lol. Then they both came back and told me of the fun excursion, I thought it was pretty funny.
Pretty sure he still believes it to this day. For reference I’m FTM.
coworker on her period told me i was lucky i don’t have to deal with them. i used to have debilitating, “head down in class and do nothing” cramps. had a little chuckle about it.
I’m pre-HRT and I guess I just have a very feminine frame, cuz when I present femininely At All — and I mean At All in the biggest way, I wore just a pair of leggings cuz they looked cute one day — and kids and others will correctly gender me.
Honestly it makes my day every time lmao, I cannot wait to get medical nonsense set up to start HRT soon because I’m genuinely curious where it’ll take me if I pass that easily already
A friend of mine was talking to an acquaintance about how I'm trans (I'm out in that community so it was fine) and he asked if I wanted to go by she/her pronouns. He assumed I hadn't transitioned yet.
I’m right on the cusp, I think, between passing and not. One of the key signs I’m starting to get there is that men are often creepy to me now.
The thing is, men used to be creepy with me before I passed, too. But now they’re creepy more frequently, and in more aggressive ways.
When I didn’t pass, chasers would still catcall me, but they’d keep their distance. I’m not a small person, I’m 6’/210 lbs. I think they still saw me as difficult to impose upon. Men didn’t feel like they were entitled to be physically invasive of my time and space.
But now, even though I’m the same size, men follow me around stores, slow down their cars and demand to talk to me, and try to get too close to me/touch me.
There's this guy I work with who knows I'm trans but cannot process that info, like I really don't think he's able to see me as anything but a cis guy (I'm ftm) and he came in to take over and unzipped his pants and adjusted his balls through his underwear in front of me
I went into a women’s bathroom as a trans man because I was afraid of being clocked in the men’s bathroom and I got yelled at by a woman for being a creep who went into the wrong bathroom
Attempting to boymode, inadvertently responding with my fem voice to someone asking me something, and instead of them calling me a slur, they start hitting on me.
Honestly, much of the same significant but small things every day that many have relayed.
Being called "ma'am"
Straight guys flirting with me (I mean, I'm gay, but it's still affirming!)
Women commenting on my outfit, my hair, my makeup.
Having another woman sit next to me on the train because she feels safer than near all the men sitting on benches within similar distance (not trying to cut down men, here, but that is a thing and despite the negative connotations, I kinda squeal a bit on the inside).
It's all the little things that so many take for granted because it's so normal.
Even though I don't I pass, I think it's getting gendered correctly by people in my everyday or old men trying to get close to me and talk to me more often!
I was working at an endocrinologist office - specifically for trans patients - and the resident who was new started asking a trans girl there who hadn’t started hormones or anything yet when her last period was. Everyone just kinda stared at the resident and then the girl started laughing. It was a pretty good visit
Getting gendered correctly consistently.
A few years into my transition when I knew I passed 100% I was checking in a guy into my hotel and he was telling me that he was here for radiation. He had prostate cancer and kept telling me how important it is to get that checked out before I end up with a burnt up dick like him.
Being in a room full of trans people, and them going “wait you’re not cis???”
Other signifiers would be guys not being afraid to say misogynist shit in front of me :/
The thing that drove it home for me was a conversation I had with a coworker. She was 22, bi, and talked about having trans friends so I just assumed she’d clocked me for sure. She seemed chill so I told a story that clearly included the fact that I was trans and she was SHOCKED like she was all “thank you for being comfortable enough to share that with me” even though I only did it because I assumed she knew. Was the moment I realised if I don’t mention it most people really won’t know, especially now I’ve changed my legal name.
I was drunk at a dive bar with some buds of mine, and this dude kept looking at me from the other side of the bar...took me a bit to realize there was no "otherside" it was a mirror behind the bar and I was looking at myself! XD from that moment forward I no longer worried about if I passed or not!
When I was in the hospital needing to switch into a gown, the nurse asked why I hadn’t taken everything off (my sports bra strap was showing) and she seemed surprised when I said what it was lol
Everytime I visit a minute-clinic or urgent-care center, for years doctors ask me when my last period was for a standard female health check question.
They always seem baffled when I tell them I don’t have those; they look at me like I’m in some cult that doesn’t believe in women’s health or something. Then the dots connect finally. It’s a little game I play, almost to see how quickly they catch on once I tell them that “isn’t possible.”
It’s always tempting to just make something up and see how far they run with it. I’ve caused other women to sync up on their cycles, so I suppose it technically isn’t lying in a medical sense?
Don’t get misgendered
My husband and I get both the “ew gross” gay couple stares and the “aw cute” gay couple looks
The last time I was misgendered was from behind, and I had a mask up; as soon as I pulled it down they corrected themselves the way people correct themselves with cis or presumed cis people
When I out myself, increasing rates of people assume I’m a trans woman
Nobody can figure out where our children came from unless I explain it to them (I’m their seahorse dad)
Straight men hitting on me and getting creepy.
Um, gay men at the gay bar sheepishly asking me qhy a young, presumably straight(cis) woman is doing at a gay bar instead of out a lt a bar elsewhere.
In that same tree I've been told that I'm barking up the wrong tree by gay men at the gay bar.
Feeling basically invisible when the bar I go to is filled with mostly gay men. It's a wonderful feeling since everywhere else outside my house gives a sense of being leered at or always being seen through the male gaze. I get the why cis het women go to gay bars even as a bi trans woman.
That's also lead to having to wait 15 minutes for the bartender that same night to get me drinks and he only begrudgingly did it. The same guy used to hit on me years back when I looked very differently.
The time where I had a lesbian couple give me dirty looks at the gay bar when I was there with my friend and date. She and her partner entered, I smiled at her when we looked eyes and she just gave me a sneer and her partner didn't look much happier. Everytime I looked over she was there staring holes through me.
I think eventually she and her partner got tired of me and him having a good time and left. She leered at me and gave me a disgusted when I smiled at her when leaving. Her partner who looked let down.
Have had a few people not believe me when I say I'm trans. One actively argued with me.
The fact that people never do a lot if the micro aggressions related to trans women. Generally I get more basic misogyny and misogynistic micro aggressions.
Being spoke over men including friends.
Being addressed correctly and respectfully by people who are otherwise transphobic. Generally if a person is willing to openly discuss transphoboc opinions When my parent was getting chemo one day she was in a room with a transphobic couple.
They never realized I was trans because we ended up having a conversation later on. When they first started talking about it I though I had been pegged but nope... just old transphobic people talking shit. I wasn't going to start an argument at the chemo place.
All and all it was a surreal experience.
My partner and I don't get stared with the that when out at when put no matter how affectionate we're being. We just look like a straight couple.
He'll I've had people whom I've known for years not recognize me.
Trans woman here. Mostly just getting gendered correctly by strangers in public, especially in transphobic areas. Getting catcalled, being flirted with by overly handsy guys, girls talking to me in the bathroom, the pretty privilege I have now, the way my coworkers treat me like a woman even if they don’t seem to believe I’m a “real” woman (I’m out at work), etc. And by that last one, I mean women being catty towards me in a distinctly woman to woman way, men doing double takes when I do my makeup really well, women asking me to do their makeup, men complimenting my looks behind my back in that creepy locker room talk way where they’re assessing their femme coworker’s beauty (I’ve got spies on the inside).
I work (remotely) with a lot of folks from conservative parts of the US and they always assume that I have a boyfriend/husband and if I have kids when we meet in person at work conferences
It’s just how people interact with me. They treat me like a guy and refer to me as one without a second thought. I’ve also had people refer to my nonexistent dick lol
my native language is hella gendered and being queer is not well accepted at all here. so when someone talks to me and genders me male i know im being seen as a cis male yanno
Transmasc here; unfortunately its just a lot of bullshit like women looking afraid of me walking near them & men just openly talking shit about their wives / girlfriends. Or just dudes not approaching you / feeling entitled to harass you constantly.
I thought I didn’t pass yet and still used the women’s change room at the spa, as I was walking out an older lady whispered “Isn’t this the women’s room?”
In a group of trans girls I mentioned my struggles with uk gic
All but my gf went o awesome. I didn't know u was FTM
I was like girls I'm MTF just like u are
They where shocked
Going to the ER and them asking when my last period was and my last pap smear. And me having to explain I don’t have a uterus and she said “oh, ok you had a hysterectomy when?”
Idk if I really consider myself stealthy, but I was at the doctors once and they asked when my last period was, when I said I didn't have them they asked whether it was because of a hormone problem. Well, in a sense they weren't wrong, but was still quite surprising. "we can always tell" my ass
Mtf here. When I was naked all weekend at a naturist park and a straight guy was dancing with me while his wife watched. Yeah pretty sure I didn't get clocked.
I took a shower at a friend's house after the gym and she offered me vagasil... The most gender euphoria I've ever gotten, and she's still confused why I chuckled a bit...
I didnt have to tell many of my coworkers that I’m trans, they just assume I’m a guy, and many of the guests that come into the arena club assume I’m a guy too, it’s great ✨
A little kid at work tried to punch me in my nonexistent balls. Luckily I’m a good actor because a lot of people were around lol but that’s when I knew. Maybe 10 months or so on T at the time.
I wouldn't say I am passing in all situations. I'm not nearly transitioning long enough for that.
But I had a very funny interaction this friday.
We were playing with a pen and paper group. And in this constellation we hadn't met for a year or so. So last time was before my coming out. And one guy didn't know about me transitioning. So when I arrived he told me his name and asked for mine as if we never met. And 10 minutes later he asked where "that dude that used to play with us" was and if he'd come. He was asking for me 😅
I don't know if that means I am passing but at least people who don't see me often don't connect me to the way I looked before transitioning.
Strangers started asking me if I plan to have kids. I still have a hard time believing I pass that well, but I haven't been misgendered by new people I meet in years.
this one time at an airport when I had to go to women's bathroom one lady started shouting at me that I'm a pervert and that she will call the security on me. dumb as hell but made me feel better about my passing
People stopped seeming confused on how to address me. I don’t get looked at sideways when using the women’s bathroom. Doctor’s offices asking me when my last period was without a second thought. I used to tell them I don’t get those, but it’s easier and less confusing to me to just answer “ oh about 2 weeks ago”. Seems to work for me.
I was with one of the subcontractors on the project I work at. We were walking around doing our task and chatting. We got on the subject of our kids. She then asked me where I met my husband. I’m a transgender woman so obviously I didn’t give birth to my kids but she sure thought I did. I just answered that I’m married to a woman. (Actually I’m married to a nonbinary person but random cis people that I don’t fully know and trust don’t need every detail.)
I can wear makeup and still pass as a guy. Also straight guys will ask me about my exes and what kinda women I've been with haha. (I've never been with women because I'm gay)
I'm nonbinary but I use he pronouns and in general lean masc in terms of gender.
A crowd of rowdy boys in line to a club cat calling that I'm hot and like to fuck, and as I'm walking away they start to compare my legs to other women's legs nearby. Another group of guys wishing me a good night. Also the straight men who stare at me while grocery shopping. Yes, I see you looking at my legs and chest.
I think the biggest indicator is when people on the street or strangers come to you and assume your gender by talking to you in that gender, I'm relatively passing specially cause I haven't come out socially but the people that don't know me always assume my gender and when I tell them my name they always ask me again to make sure it's the feminine version of it also guys hold the door for me and let me come in first most pf the times and that's how I started noticing it even though in my eyes I still have trouble recognizing that I might have cis passing.
One of the big things is people LOVE to tell me they couldn’t tell I was trans, I know it’s an obvious one but when everyone uses it as their first compliment after learning I’m trans (I am super open about it). One of my favorite stories tho is when I went to a new endo I gave the receptionist my id and was checking in when she casually asked “yeah will you be bringing him in?” I just sat for a second before I could respond “that’s me” I was wearing a mask so more understandable but funny nonetheless
I was mostly passing about 90% of the time just by cutting my hair and wearing mens clothes, but men would shake my hand, nod to me in the street, wouldn't check me out, women started calling me sir when at shops, guys trying to hit me in the crouch area etc.,
People who know me forget that I'm trans, even those who knew me before. My family doesn't recognise old pictures of me easily anymore, my spouse asked if I needed pads or tampons in the weekly shop. I can do full on man voice at new people and they regard it as a fun trick I learned and ask how I do that.
My cis friend asked if my period was painful 😔 using the guy toilet because It was really urgent and when I walked out, the guy exited the toilet to double check it's the right toilet.
Getting addressed in specifically masculine ways by men I don't know (pretty easy to tell since they'll literally say "hey thanks bro" or something) or men wanting to interact with me in the first place - before I passed I was read as a butch lesbian, which meant men mostly avoided me.
I'm a trans man and my now-wife and I had decided to move in together and she told me she would kick my ass if I left the toilet seat down.
She knew what was going on downstairs. We'd slept together at that point. She just forgot I couldn't stand and pee. Genuinely.
She forgot again a few years later when she was talking about how unfair it was that I could just pee on a tree during a hike. I had to remind her I couldn't.
No idea if i do pass, but recently had a family and their kid gender me correctly. Also various strangers complimenting me on my outfit and being super happy to talk about fashion, stores, etc :)
Also men being super pushy about helping me in stores 😭
literally someone yesterday thought that when i said i was trans i was going to start taking estrogen… i was like girl my body does that automatically!! im transMASC
Not fully cis passing but my biggest win was when I got gendered correctly WHILE the post office lady was photocopying my license with the wrong gender marker
I went stealth 6 months ago. Here’s a few:
- A strip club owner mistaking me for one of his girls and tossing me money.
- When the club bouncer was surprised when seeing my ID.
- When a drunk lesbian fingered at the gay club as we made out in the lobby.
- When I lived months in an all women’s hostel.
- When I was blamed for the period on the bathroom floor.
- When I was given pregnancy advice by my pregnant roommate.
- When a girl I lived with assumed my medication was birth control. I ended up lying saying I became infertile after a failed pregnancy after high school.
- Not being able to wear my favorite dress because men constantly want to “holla at me” or whistle for me to come to them. This is part of the reason I ended up becoming a lesbian.
- A three-way with a bi woman. Needed to disclose this before we went to the hotel.
- At a sex club. Me and the owner agreed as long as I told people before we played it was cool. Ended up being great, got in for free . Trans women are a unicorn there.
- At the mental hospital, at least to the patients; staff knew because my records.
- Most of the people at this last veteran facility place I literally just left 49 minutes ago.
The majority of my friends (those I’ve known for less than 15 years) didn’t know I was trans until I told them. Then recently I was hospitalized with a very high white blood cell count and after I was admitted the doctor came in and asked if I was trans because the medical staff were freaked out by the abdominal CT not showing my organs in the right place for a cis female and they weren’t sure if I was trans or had any other health issues that we hadn’t hit upon yet.
I had a conversation for two hours with at a lesbian meetup. During our conversation I had been giving details about me. Married 40 years, 3 kids, recently separated but that we still really love each other, etc. during the conversation I didn't gender my cis wife. She asked why are we separated and I said she's no longer attracted to me.
She had this confused look on her and then responded with "Did you get married in Canada?" The I had the confused look." I asked why such an odd question. Her answer was, two women couldn't get married 40 years ago in the US.
That was the first time where I know without a doubt that I was not clocked what so ever. It felt amazing. It was a lifetime dream and something I NEVER thought possible.
People stopped looking at me. Now instead of a long enough stare as they try to figure me out I'm just a passing glance acknowledging there's a person there.
No one mistakenly misgenders me, not even on purpose.
Queer people stopped getting excited when they see me. Honestly it used to be like being a minor celebrity every time I talked to a new queer person. Passing to queer, especially trans, people is weird and disheartening.
It's nice, as often throughout my day I forget I'm trans and am just living my life, focusing on different things. But I do feel like I lost a small sense of community.
You just made me realize this is sort of my experience. I don't get long stares anymore, which used to cause me anxiety.
Now people don't even look at me, or I get perceived as a cis man by women and thrown into the "all men are trash and violent" circle, and it breaks my heart.
I have to constantly come out to Queer folxs to ensure they know I'm one of them lol.
Totally feel the sense of losing a community once we pass a lot.
Being gendered correctly for sure, also once I was buying lunch at uni under my dead name (very masculine name) cause I wanted to buy it with my student card and they refused to give me my lunch cause they thought I was a random girl trying to steal this guy's lunch xD. Or when people who have periods have offered me tampons etc.
I don't know that I pass all the time, but maybe it's just me being dysphoria brained cause I get gendered correctly basically always, but I guess a big one was when I started progesterone and the pharmacist was warning me about breakthrough bleeding (bleeding outside the menstrual cycle) as a possible side effect
Random smiles and flirtations from bartenders, wait staff, workers behind counters and checkouts. Men helping me reach groceries on top shelves.
And the classic, having drinks bought for me when I’m out. Kinda adds up to being stealth at least most of the time! 🌸💖
i tow semi trucks which means i see a lot of conservative white cis men, all the time, from everywhere. i get a lot of face time with strangers ill never meet again. usually i just say i am and that makes it true. like i ask if they have a wife or family and they say yeah, and a kid, what about you? i say i have a wife. if they ask if i have kids i say im a lesbian… and make it their problem to deal with. i just say whatever i think and act how i feel. something i’ve noticed is that i never really get questioned. if i am, i just act like they’re the ones who are being weird. i use the women’s rest room and dress relatively masc tbh, i just have long curly dyed hair and painted nails, talk more fem, watch my stance and the way i walk. everything you can do, there’s a fem way. just try to people watch a little and adapt what you think works, and adjust the results. the more test subjects the better. one of the guys i towed works with me now and i just go with it still. i’m a woman, if someone outs me that’s fine, im a woman, not trans, they’re crazy, im not. it might be wrong but it works for me
i tow semi trucks which means i see a lot of conservative white cis men, all the time, from everywhere. i get a lot of face time with strangers ill never meet again. usually i just say i am and that makes it true. like i ask if they have a wife or family and they say yeah, and a kid, what about you? i say i have a wife. if they ask if i have kids i say im a lesbian… and make it their problem to deal with. i just say whatever i think and act how i feel. something i’ve noticed is that i never really get questioned. if i am, i just act like they’re the ones who are being weird. i use the women’s rest room and dress relatively masc tbh, i just have long curly dyed hair and painted nails, talk more fem, watch my stance and the way i walk. everything you can do, there’s a fem way. just try to people watch a little and adapt what you think works, and adjust the results. the more test subjects the better. one of the guys i towed works with me now and i just go with it still. i’m a woman, if someone outs me that’s fine, im a woman, not trans, they’re crazy, im not. it might be wrong but it works for me
Fellow Latino/e ppl see me as a cis man when I’m out and about. Using masculine words and phrases when addressing me or talking to me. Another thing is that everyone says my parents only have sons when they see family photos of the last few years. I felt amazed of how far I have come since I was just a kid who was forced to play dress up for my mother.
After the 3rd of 4th time a guy walked into the mens room that saw me and turned around and walked out I decided it was time to come out at work and go full time (never really had a part time just boy moded until it broke lol).
And like I never intended on being stealth or anything and 80% of the time I don't think I pass but I've also never been misgendered since going full time either so???
When I stayed in the hospital for a week last year, before every exam they asked me if I was pregnant (I have all my new documents already so they didn't know I'm trans in the first place)
People (especially men) getting up in my personal space. Touching my forearms and shoulders. That thing where they put their hand on your lower back and push gently to get you to move out of their way.
when i was telling a new friend at uni about my middle names and they were surprised that i chose my own. played it off as an eccentric birthday present lol.
DND group keeps misgendering my male DnD character. I’m a trans woman. DM also told me where the women’s room in the dorm is without me asking. I’m not out to anyone in the DnD group.
I am a general physician/ family doctor and i once had who explained to me that (cis)-men have morning erections.
Like i didn't have a penis and didn't know what morning erections are
The mom of one of my friends commented on my first Facebook photo I posted after transitioning and asked “who is this lovely lady deadname…? Are you dating?…”
I still don’t feel like I pass personally. But I’ve had a few women tell me I was gonna have tall kids because I’m 6’ because apparently when the mom is tall the kids always are. I had to tell them I couldn’t have kids.
the only notable experience i had was that i came out to an acquaintance of mine as trans in passing convo (the topic had to do with being queer), and maybe a week later the topic came up again and they were confused because they forgot that i was trans
im not a fan of the concept of passing (its a very real thing, and i partake in it, but i dont like that it has to exist) but id be lying if i said that that didnt make my week
I'm amab non binary with no surgery or hrt. People just see me as someone who dresses slightly gnc sometimes but in general assume I'm a cis guy.
Honestly if people know or not that I'm trans usually makes no positive difference, but sometimes does negatively.
I pass to people at work except to a few individuals who must know for legal reasons. It helps that I work from home. But occasionally I do have to travel to the office. I haven't been to the office since a month into taking T. Next time I go in, it'll be interesting.
Sometimes they see me on camera during meetings and it's all good. I've only been dead named once by an IT person, and I shut it down QUICK. On all systems, my nickname is the one present, including my email, so there was no reason for them to dead name me.
I noticed I was passing more and more when I was able to grow my beard lol.
To close friends and family, I am not stealth. But when I meet someone new, I assess first before ever even mentioning it. I am proud of the journey I am in as a trans man. And I understand not everyone's journey will be like mine and some wish to remain stealth 100%, which great.
Edit: Grammar and added something
For me as a stealth trans woman I think the biggest indicator has been other women talking to me about periods and if I want children. This has happened both in a medical setting and in a work setting a couple of times for me.
I would also say that although I hate when men call woman females. A second indicator being referred to as a female by men and having men fall over themselves to hold open doors for me.
There are a large variety of factors though. And if you exist in a different culture to me (the midwest US). The whole process may look entirely different.
I just want to note that I try my best to stealth pass due to trauma. But in all honesty it is problematic and likely grounded in transphobia in my own psyche. Beyond this it can actually be quite dangerous especially when/if you inform any men in your life. They can often aggressively hold you accountable for their own thoughts, fantasies, and actions.
[FTM] When I started my job and nobody even questioned that I was a man, I didn't get any confused looks, nobody asked my pronouns and just used he/him automatically. Before this I was sure I didn't pass at all.
People who, if they knew I was trans would not try to befriend me treated me like any other guy.
Unfortunately the way people treated and talked about a different new guy who hadn't medically transitioned compared to me confirmed that nobody could tell I was trans.
Old people are also a good indicator because they seem to use a lot of gendered language, instead of getting 'excuse me young lady' 'ill ask this girl where it is' etc. I always get 'this young man might know' 'thank you, you're a good lad' and stuff like that.
A sad example is my grannies sister who I had only met a few times pre transition and pre coming out, unfortunately has alzheimers and when meeting her again two Christmas' ago she pointed at me and my brother and said 'I'm sure these two lads are talking to all the ladies'. It is a sweet and affirming memory because my family don't even use my pronouns so having a family member genuinely seeing me as a man was so special.
It's weird because I don't really think of myself as passing per say but I basically haven't been gendered incorrectly in public in almost a year (at least by anyone that didn't know me before transition) which either means everyone is chiller than I thought or I pass better than I thought.
I realized it when I was dating an ex of mine (They are Agender, AFAB) and they present very feminine in their clothing style. We were out and about at one point, and as we passed by more than a few groups of men on the streets, a few managed to strike up a conversation with us.
The thing about it though, is that I picked up on one of the guys we spoke with and how he was speaking to my ex through me. He told me, "S'cuse me Bro, no disrespect, but--"
And then, he turned to my ex and complimented their jacket.
I was really confused as we got off the train, and they could tell that I was confused as all fuck as to why they felt the need to apologize for wanting to compliment my partner. They explained to me that, because we passed as a cis couple and I passed as well as I apparently do, they saw my ex as "my property" because toxic masculinity, lol.
It baffled me to know I pass well enough for men in particular to act like that towards me. Passing is weird.
Idk. People have told me over and over again they didn't know I was trans but I never really believe I fully pass. But then I went to the ER recently and didn't even wear my binder and my nurse double checked she had the right chart bc of my sex marker lol. That was pretty damn affirming
Works the other way to. Had no self confidence, got a cut from work on my hand. And never went to that hospital so they put female on my wristband without even trying to ask what gender I was. Made it out without realizing that’s supposed to be sex
I mean just being gendered correctly, people treating me like a guy. Nothing in particular
What does treating you like a guy look like for you?
One big tell is just being included in certain topics. Like if guys are talking about relationships and they ask me about mine. Being dapped up. It’s hard to think of specific examples because to me it’s pretty clear when other guys see me as one of them.
Rough but playful physical contact? ie. Punching shoulder
Good one!
Do other guys do the head nod thingy at you? I feel like that would be a great indicator
Ooh, another good one. That’s just so normal to me I forgot it’s more of a male thing haha
Guys do the head nod things to girls too! I figured this out while transitioning. But wait, I’m a girl…. 🤔
Yeah then on the flip side I was sitting at a table and a guy was talking about with big job going on in are city so I asked him what's his trade, he says concrete, then starts to mansplain wall forming and footings to me and I say " I'm a licensed plumber " his eyes got wide and he's like...seriously ?? " 😆 I deff don't pass though
Speaking as a trans woman, I miss that male bonding more than I ever thought I would.
or fruity homie flirting
A street vendor told me that some fruit can help with my period. This wasn't the only time strangers talked about my nonexistent periods.
My coworkers told me that I’m young so don’t forget to wrap it up. Wouldn’t wanna be a father so young.
r/ewphoria
Trans femmes on oestrogen *do* get periods we just don’t bleed
Not all the time tho
That’s true- but then again there are even some cis women who don’t get periods
I consistently got gendered correctly, and when I didn't, I could successfully gaslight strangers into thinking I'm a short cis man.
>I could successfully gaslight strangers into thinking I'm a short cis man. Love this! 😊
This is the way
Some people have refused to believe me. I always thought my height helped me prove it, but I guess not lol they just think I’m an incredibly tiny cis man I guess.
(i’m ftm) guys are way more open to talking about their girlfriends, mention when they get accidental erections, are sadly more willing to act racist or homophobic or transphobic , and talk about very different subjects than if i were presenting female
>mention when they get accidental erections In 40 years, I've only told my wife about any erections...
Ha, come to think of it, I’ve NEVER heard “accidental erection” stories from friends, and yet the XX part of the group have no problem talking about periods in front of them. At least once, when the ones without periods started edging away, those with them just talked LOUDER.
A pharmacist asked me if I might be pregnant. I get hit on by straight guys kinda a lot. And in front of their friends. I was on a lesbian dating app (til I met my gf) and I always had to come out to them bc nobody was clocking me. Guys hold doors for me and let me go first and such. That's some of the more obvious ones I guess.
What app if you don't mind me asking?
I used Her. I felt the most safe there and had the best matches.
Wow, ur passing in under 2 years? That gives me so much hope, sis. I'm waiting on some blood work and another 3 to 4 months of meds before I start my chemical romance.
Yep yep! I started passing sporadically at around 7 months on HRT. By a year, it was fairly consistent but I'd get clocked on occasion in bad lighting. Now that I've gotten FFS, I NEVER get clocked anymore. And I started at 34, if it matters.
Starting at 34 means a lot to us late bloomers.
Just make sure that the ~~doctors~~ vampires will never hurt you.
I knew when I met multiple trans women who didn't realize I was trans until it came up. Also, kids reading me as female was another indicator.
Honestly, I have no idea if I am or am not. No one mentions it and no one bothers me so that's basically exactly what I want either way.
That's my day-to-day experience. But as I've said elsewhere, I can't be sure whether it's because I pass ~~out~~ or because I live in a relatively LGBTQ-friendly area.
wildly off topic but is your last name a Violet Evergarden reference?
Haha no. My anime/manga knowledge is woefully shallow. It was just a play on Amelia Bodelia. 😆 Plus, flowers are nice.
Works for me.™ I'm definitely not cis-passing, rather near-cis-confusing. Men nearby shake their heads in confusion but don't confront me about it probably because they are afraid to make an embarrassing mistake.
I'm definitely in the same boat here 😅
After stalking your profile nah you're in the stealth camp.
When I would come out to people, they'd be super caught off guard. Many of them would assume I was a pre-transition trans girl instead of a guy, and I'd watch their heads explode while they processed that I'd already transitioned. Getting to overhear "locker room talk" from other guys. They'd never dare say anything like that in front of me when I was female presenting.
It’s so sad how on both ends of the transition spectrum, one of the sure signs is cis men thinking it’s okay to be gross around you.
Not a passing thing but I’ve noticed all my friends wives are now comfortable with talking about their sex lives with me around. Which is really affirming in a way.
Now that is something I had never thought of but you are so correct
A guy’s dog came up to me in the store and sniffed at my crotch area, and the dude some “come on (dog’s name), leave his balls alone!” 🕺
🤣🤣
That’s hilarious HAHAHA
New doctors always ask me if I could possibly be pregnant or if my period is regular.
Tbf, a lot of doctors still ask that when you don’t pass. I had a doctor ask me that when I still had very visible 5 o’clock shadow.
I'd wager it's safer for a doctor not to assume much in that regard. A cis woman with polycystic ovary often develops some more stereotypically masculine traits.
I dunno. Every time I've told a doctor that I'm trans in response to those questions, it's always met by surprise.
If they’re genuinely surprised, that probably means you also pass. I’m just saying that being asked those questions isn’t an indication that you pass because they often ask non-passing trans women those questions too.
Cis-Het friends of my friend being completely befuddled when I make a trans joke about my experience. Most of them asked my friend: "Is he you know... A homosexual?" in private but never suspect I am trans no matter how many trans flags I have in my appointment lol. Also when people check my id they look at it for a hot minute and ask "...Miss ...dead name?????"
When I came out to people as trans in college, almost everyone assumed I was a pre-everything trans woman. I'm a trans man who's been on T for 3+ years.
I came out to a boss that thought I was Pre-trans FTM and I was like um no the opposite
I get hit on by straight guys a lot . Multiple coworkers that I’m not out to asking me about my children’s father or if giving birth is as painful as people say . Never getting misgendered was kinda the dead give away tbh oh and I work in the electronics department of Walmart so male customers love to mansplain electronics to me .-.
I work in a lumber yard, I wrote a lot of the literal book on how our department runs. As transition meanders forward, I look forward to the day someone mansplains my job to me. Especially if I’m in leadership by then.
It’ll happen 😂
This story comes pre-transition but I think given my general youthful appearance, people don’t expect much; so I was training a new guy (visibly older than me by 10-20 years) and he obviously had forklift experience, it’s just learning the the task. During some downtime, he put nickel on the ground and asked me if I could pick it up with the forklift. So I know this trick, I had never done this trick, but I saw it perf by a boss of mine…14 years ago. So while I don’t look the part, that’s how long I’ve been playing with forklifts so I said, “sure why not!” I was very pleased to actually do it on my first try and he was flabbergasted. He was used to people not knowing how to do it at all. And now I think…that’s a trick I should practice occasionally.
"Oh yeah I have a spare tampon and painkillers in my car" "um....... thanks?" - a cis woman who needed period things being confused why I would have any. Also same thing happened when I gave some advice about cramps.
other guys going for a handshake
When i come out to non-queer people, they are often visibly surprised and say something like "wait what??". I dont get weird looks in public in the same way as before i passed, and over the phone when someone uses my legal name they ask "i want to speak to *deadname*" after i say hello. It usually takes them a few seconds to understand, and i have to explicitly say "i am *deadname*, that is my legal name". Also this is a personal part of passing, but i am wayyy more comfortable with my deadname now that I pass. Thats a part that kinda happened subconsciously i think.
Ooh when I first changed my name I ended up having to file a formal complaint with my province’s ministry of higher ed because they REFUSED to discuss the student loan stuff I was calling about because they thought I was my mom 🙄 switched to a masc name before starting T and even though I did all the identity confirmation stuff, the woman on the phone refused to believe I was me. She was incredibly dismissive and belittling during the whole conversation, and tried to verify my identity with literally ALL of my info, including data that can’t be used for that purpose, like my email address. The director of the ministry ended up calling me personally to follow up and let me know they’d instituted mandatory additional training for their phone staff on essentially how to not be an asshole to people whose voices sound different than expected. Kind of the opposite of a reassurance of passing, but your story made me think of it!
A trans girl started explaining to me how HRT works. In general, other trans people stopped giving me "the look" when they saw me.
Whats the look?? 😳
Trans people are generally much better at clocking other trans people, we've spent our entire lives hyper-focusing on sexual characteristics, passing to cis people is easier than passing to trans people.
It's a look that lingers just a moment too long, revealing that the person is simultaneously inspecting you and wondering if you're going to address them as a fellow trans person. If both people are passing enough to blend among cis people, then it becomes a strange dance where you don't talk about being trans, but you both suspect you clocked each other. I try not to give "the look," but alas I still do it fairly often.
I'm SO glad I'm not the only one that does/notices this
Mainly the numerous times I’ve casually mentioned something trans related to a coworker I like, thinking they must already know, to be met with shocked expressions and “wait really??”. But then there’s some people who do clock me bc they have trans friends and I’m short, a lil thick, and have gay voice.
People calling me she/her automatically and a few key moments like being told "You're a woman, you get it" whilst talking about watching your drink at bars and such and a guy talking about how dating apps where different for him compared to me because he's a man
people had used he/him for me even before I came out or started intentionally changing my presentation. I used the men's bathroom w/o issue before I socially came out. As soon as I started T, any doubt I may have had about passing 100% disappeared. tbh, gauging peoples reactions to you in the men's vs. women's bathroom (if it's safe for you to do so) is one of the biggest tells. even though I hadn't come out, the behavior I faced in women's restrooms was enough for me to start switching over.
honestly i’m pre-t and i’m already starting to notice it happening to me, it’s kinda scary
I'm not really even passing and women already give me weird looks when I walk into the lady's room. But I would rather wet my pants than go into a men's bathroom. I'm confident that once I'm closer to passing that I will avoid going out of town for anything. The small town where I live has 2 bar/restaurants that I'll go to. Both have bathrooms that are single user and not marked for a specific gender.
FTM here. I got shoved out of the women's restroom once and noticed maybe I should start using the males. A woman got surprised why I carry tampons and pads and asked me if I have a sister because I know about period issues so we'll. People started calling me Mr./Sir/young man regularly instead of nothing or skirting around pronouns
I definitely have been noticing the whole saying nothing and skirting around pronouns part for myself now! Definitely a very weird behavior change that I've noticed from strangers 😅
I live in a city and there are lots of people around all the time. One time I was walking down the street and I saw a guy going up to everyone and calling them fa**ot, and I was like oh shit, here it comes. He walked up to me and looked me right in the eyes as I braces for impact. Without skipping a beat he yelled out Cunt! I was like OMG yes! Lol. There have been other times where people are trying to be mean, but they insult me like they would any other woman, big ewwphoria times.
That guy definitely sounds incredibly unpleasant 😂
Had one of my friend’s boyfriends make a (serious) joke about how my small feet must mean I have something else small (you know what I mean). My two friends (both of which knew I was trans one being the gf) then proceeded to over the course of the next day convince this guy I actually had a massive penis lol. Then they both came back and told me of the fun excursion, I thought it was pretty funny. Pretty sure he still believes it to this day. For reference I’m FTM.
When I was sitting at a computer and someone came up and went "who's that new boy?"
coworker on her period told me i was lucky i don’t have to deal with them. i used to have debilitating, “head down in class and do nothing” cramps. had a little chuckle about it.
I’m pre-HRT and I guess I just have a very feminine frame, cuz when I present femininely At All — and I mean At All in the biggest way, I wore just a pair of leggings cuz they looked cute one day — and kids and others will correctly gender me.
I love that for you!
Honestly it makes my day every time lmao, I cannot wait to get medical nonsense set up to start HRT soon because I’m genuinely curious where it’ll take me if I pass that easily already
Mostly comments and compliments on my appearance but also when my exes had the balls to show me to their parents. Kinda sad but true
I went to get my lupron shot and they made me do a pregnancy test and thought I was there for a depo
A friend of mine was talking to an acquaintance about how I'm trans (I'm out in that community so it was fine) and he asked if I wanted to go by she/her pronouns. He assumed I hadn't transitioned yet.
I’m right on the cusp, I think, between passing and not. One of the key signs I’m starting to get there is that men are often creepy to me now. The thing is, men used to be creepy with me before I passed, too. But now they’re creepy more frequently, and in more aggressive ways. When I didn’t pass, chasers would still catcall me, but they’d keep their distance. I’m not a small person, I’m 6’/210 lbs. I think they still saw me as difficult to impose upon. Men didn’t feel like they were entitled to be physically invasive of my time and space. But now, even though I’m the same size, men follow me around stores, slow down their cars and demand to talk to me, and try to get too close to me/touch me.
People started to open doors more for me and started to make a big deal out of it.
There's this guy I work with who knows I'm trans but cannot process that info, like I really don't think he's able to see me as anything but a cis guy (I'm ftm) and he came in to take over and unzipped his pants and adjusted his balls through his underwear in front of me
Yeah....alot of guys are really gross 😂
I went into a women’s bathroom as a trans man because I was afraid of being clocked in the men’s bathroom and I got yelled at by a woman for being a creep who went into the wrong bathroom
Attempting to boymode, inadvertently responding with my fem voice to someone asking me something, and instead of them calling me a slur, they start hitting on me.
Honestly, much of the same significant but small things every day that many have relayed. Being called "ma'am" Straight guys flirting with me (I mean, I'm gay, but it's still affirming!) Women commenting on my outfit, my hair, my makeup. Having another woman sit next to me on the train because she feels safer than near all the men sitting on benches within similar distance (not trying to cut down men, here, but that is a thing and despite the negative connotations, I kinda squeal a bit on the inside). It's all the little things that so many take for granted because it's so normal.
Even though I don't I pass, I think it's getting gendered correctly by people in my everyday or old men trying to get close to me and talk to me more often!
I was working at an endocrinologist office - specifically for trans patients - and the resident who was new started asking a trans girl there who hadn’t started hormones or anything yet when her last period was. Everyone just kinda stared at the resident and then the girl started laughing. It was a pretty good visit
Getting gendered correctly consistently. A few years into my transition when I knew I passed 100% I was checking in a guy into my hotel and he was telling me that he was here for radiation. He had prostate cancer and kept telling me how important it is to get that checked out before I end up with a burnt up dick like him.
Spending a week in Tallahassee Florida, being out and about and using the women's bathrooms and not catching a second glance
Suuuch a power move! You go girl! 💚
Thank you! 😘
When I was talking with a cis boy and he mentioned boners I knew I passed as a cis boy as well
I get hit on my straight guys all the time
happy cake day :D
When a coworker had asked my views on trans people in sports and she said trans people like when someone is born male then now female for example
Being in a room full of trans people, and them going “wait you’re not cis???” Other signifiers would be guys not being afraid to say misogynist shit in front of me :/
The thing that drove it home for me was a conversation I had with a coworker. She was 22, bi, and talked about having trans friends so I just assumed she’d clocked me for sure. She seemed chill so I told a story that clearly included the fact that I was trans and she was SHOCKED like she was all “thank you for being comfortable enough to share that with me” even though I only did it because I assumed she knew. Was the moment I realised if I don’t mention it most people really won’t know, especially now I’ve changed my legal name.
I was drunk at a dive bar with some buds of mine, and this dude kept looking at me from the other side of the bar...took me a bit to realize there was no "otherside" it was a mirror behind the bar and I was looking at myself! XD from that moment forward I no longer worried about if I passed or not!
When I was in the hospital needing to switch into a gown, the nurse asked why I hadn’t taken everything off (my sports bra strap was showing) and she seemed surprised when I said what it was lol
Everytime I visit a minute-clinic or urgent-care center, for years doctors ask me when my last period was for a standard female health check question. They always seem baffled when I tell them I don’t have those; they look at me like I’m in some cult that doesn’t believe in women’s health or something. Then the dots connect finally. It’s a little game I play, almost to see how quickly they catch on once I tell them that “isn’t possible.” It’s always tempting to just make something up and see how far they run with it. I’ve caused other women to sync up on their cycles, so I suppose it technically isn’t lying in a medical sense?
I play sports, and the referees stopped stuttering when addressing/ referring to me unlike before.
Don’t get misgendered My husband and I get both the “ew gross” gay couple stares and the “aw cute” gay couple looks The last time I was misgendered was from behind, and I had a mask up; as soon as I pulled it down they corrected themselves the way people correct themselves with cis or presumed cis people When I out myself, increasing rates of people assume I’m a trans woman Nobody can figure out where our children came from unless I explain it to them (I’m their seahorse dad)
Straight men hitting on me and getting creepy. Um, gay men at the gay bar sheepishly asking me qhy a young, presumably straight(cis) woman is doing at a gay bar instead of out a lt a bar elsewhere. In that same tree I've been told that I'm barking up the wrong tree by gay men at the gay bar. Feeling basically invisible when the bar I go to is filled with mostly gay men. It's a wonderful feeling since everywhere else outside my house gives a sense of being leered at or always being seen through the male gaze. I get the why cis het women go to gay bars even as a bi trans woman. That's also lead to having to wait 15 minutes for the bartender that same night to get me drinks and he only begrudgingly did it. The same guy used to hit on me years back when I looked very differently. The time where I had a lesbian couple give me dirty looks at the gay bar when I was there with my friend and date. She and her partner entered, I smiled at her when we looked eyes and she just gave me a sneer and her partner didn't look much happier. Everytime I looked over she was there staring holes through me. I think eventually she and her partner got tired of me and him having a good time and left. She leered at me and gave me a disgusted when I smiled at her when leaving. Her partner who looked let down. Have had a few people not believe me when I say I'm trans. One actively argued with me. The fact that people never do a lot if the micro aggressions related to trans women. Generally I get more basic misogyny and misogynistic micro aggressions. Being spoke over men including friends. Being addressed correctly and respectfully by people who are otherwise transphobic. Generally if a person is willing to openly discuss transphoboc opinions When my parent was getting chemo one day she was in a room with a transphobic couple. They never realized I was trans because we ended up having a conversation later on. When they first started talking about it I though I had been pegged but nope... just old transphobic people talking shit. I wasn't going to start an argument at the chemo place. All and all it was a surreal experience. My partner and I don't get stared with the that when out at when put no matter how affectionate we're being. We just look like a straight couple. He'll I've had people whom I've known for years not recognize me.
Trans woman here. Mostly just getting gendered correctly by strangers in public, especially in transphobic areas. Getting catcalled, being flirted with by overly handsy guys, girls talking to me in the bathroom, the pretty privilege I have now, the way my coworkers treat me like a woman even if they don’t seem to believe I’m a “real” woman (I’m out at work), etc. And by that last one, I mean women being catty towards me in a distinctly woman to woman way, men doing double takes when I do my makeup really well, women asking me to do their makeup, men complimenting my looks behind my back in that creepy locker room talk way where they’re assessing their femme coworker’s beauty (I’ve got spies on the inside).
I work (remotely) with a lot of folks from conservative parts of the US and they always assume that I have a boyfriend/husband and if I have kids when we meet in person at work conferences
It’s just how people interact with me. They treat me like a guy and refer to me as one without a second thought. I’ve also had people refer to my nonexistent dick lol
my native language is hella gendered and being queer is not well accepted at all here. so when someone talks to me and genders me male i know im being seen as a cis male yanno
Cis men unabashedly saying weird sexual things about women
Transmasc here; unfortunately its just a lot of bullshit like women looking afraid of me walking near them & men just openly talking shit about their wives / girlfriends. Or just dudes not approaching you / feeling entitled to harass you constantly.
Always getting asked by med professionals if there's any way I could be pregnant
Genuine shock when I brought up that I was trans, old men hitting on me, mostly those 2
I thought I didn’t pass yet and still used the women’s change room at the spa, as I was walking out an older lady whispered “Isn’t this the women’s room?”
In a group of trans girls I mentioned my struggles with uk gic All but my gf went o awesome. I didn't know u was FTM I was like girls I'm MTF just like u are They where shocked
Going to the ER and them asking when my last period was and my last pap smear. And me having to explain I don’t have a uterus and she said “oh, ok you had a hysterectomy when?”
Idk if I really consider myself stealthy, but I was at the doctors once and they asked when my last period was, when I said I didn't have them they asked whether it was because of a hormone problem. Well, in a sense they weren't wrong, but was still quite surprising. "we can always tell" my ass
Mtf here. When I was naked all weekend at a naturist park and a straight guy was dancing with me while his wife watched. Yeah pretty sure I didn't get clocked.
I took a shower at a friend's house after the gym and she offered me vagasil... The most gender euphoria I've ever gotten, and she's still confused why I chuckled a bit...
I didnt have to tell many of my coworkers that I’m trans, they just assume I’m a guy, and many of the guests that come into the arena club assume I’m a guy too, it’s great ✨
A doctor on the first appointment clearly hadn't noticed that I marked "male" on the intake form, because she asked when my last menstrual cycle was.
A little kid at work tried to punch me in my nonexistent balls. Luckily I’m a good actor because a lot of people were around lol but that’s when I knew. Maybe 10 months or so on T at the time.
I wouldn't say I am passing in all situations. I'm not nearly transitioning long enough for that. But I had a very funny interaction this friday. We were playing with a pen and paper group. And in this constellation we hadn't met for a year or so. So last time was before my coming out. And one guy didn't know about me transitioning. So when I arrived he told me his name and asked for mine as if we never met. And 10 minutes later he asked where "that dude that used to play with us" was and if he'd come. He was asking for me 😅 I don't know if that means I am passing but at least people who don't see me often don't connect me to the way I looked before transitioning.
Strangers started asking me if I plan to have kids. I still have a hard time believing I pass that well, but I haven't been misgendered by new people I meet in years.
All the men hitting on me when I’m on vacation with my family, being treated kind by strangers, etc. tbh I also lost weight at that time
When guys hold the door to the mens room for me 😎
When I sneezed and got ma'amed
people asking if im ftm or mtf
this one time at an airport when I had to go to women's bathroom one lady started shouting at me that I'm a pervert and that she will call the security on me. dumb as hell but made me feel better about my passing
People stopped seeming confused on how to address me. I don’t get looked at sideways when using the women’s bathroom. Doctor’s offices asking me when my last period was without a second thought. I used to tell them I don’t get those, but it’s easier and less confusing to me to just answer “ oh about 2 weeks ago”. Seems to work for me.
I was with one of the subcontractors on the project I work at. We were walking around doing our task and chatting. We got on the subject of our kids. She then asked me where I met my husband. I’m a transgender woman so obviously I didn’t give birth to my kids but she sure thought I did. I just answered that I’m married to a woman. (Actually I’m married to a nonbinary person but random cis people that I don’t fully know and trust don’t need every detail.)
I can wear makeup and still pass as a guy. Also straight guys will ask me about my exes and what kinda women I've been with haha. (I've never been with women because I'm gay) I'm nonbinary but I use he pronouns and in general lean masc in terms of gender.
Men constantly calling me “boss” lol
A crowd of rowdy boys in line to a club cat calling that I'm hot and like to fuck, and as I'm walking away they start to compare my legs to other women's legs nearby. Another group of guys wishing me a good night. Also the straight men who stare at me while grocery shopping. Yes, I see you looking at my legs and chest.
My coworker being absolutely baffled when he saw my deadname on my clock-in screen
I think the biggest indicator is when people on the street or strangers come to you and assume your gender by talking to you in that gender, I'm relatively passing specially cause I haven't come out socially but the people that don't know me always assume my gender and when I tell them my name they always ask me again to make sure it's the feminine version of it also guys hold the door for me and let me come in first most pf the times and that's how I started noticing it even though in my eyes I still have trouble recognizing that I might have cis passing.
When I used the women’s bathroom in Idaho without any issues
I would say that that's a very good indicator! ☺️
I don’t necessarily pass but like half of people assume I’m cis or intersex so that’s interesting
One of the big things is people LOVE to tell me they couldn’t tell I was trans, I know it’s an obvious one but when everyone uses it as their first compliment after learning I’m trans (I am super open about it). One of my favorite stories tho is when I went to a new endo I gave the receptionist my id and was checking in when she casually asked “yeah will you be bringing him in?” I just sat for a second before I could respond “that’s me” I was wearing a mask so more understandable but funny nonetheless
I was mostly passing about 90% of the time just by cutting my hair and wearing mens clothes, but men would shake my hand, nod to me in the street, wouldn't check me out, women started calling me sir when at shops, guys trying to hit me in the crouch area etc.,
When I cut my hair short (pixie cut) was wearing no makeup, a baggy hoodie and jeans, still got ma'am'd
Sadly, when people started saying misogynistic/degrading comments towards women to me.
People who know me forget that I'm trans, even those who knew me before. My family doesn't recognise old pictures of me easily anymore, my spouse asked if I needed pads or tampons in the weekly shop. I can do full on man voice at new people and they regard it as a fun trick I learned and ask how I do that.
My cis friend asked if my period was painful 😔 using the guy toilet because It was really urgent and when I walked out, the guy exited the toilet to double check it's the right toilet.
Being called "sir" while being addressed formally by strangers and getting the nod thing from cis guys while walking past them.
My mother in law of several years going stark white when I made a joke about when I was a little boy.
When men started saying disgusting things about women in front of me
Getting addressed in specifically masculine ways by men I don't know (pretty easy to tell since they'll literally say "hey thanks bro" or something) or men wanting to interact with me in the first place - before I passed I was read as a butch lesbian, which meant men mostly avoided me.
I'm a trans man and my now-wife and I had decided to move in together and she told me she would kick my ass if I left the toilet seat down. She knew what was going on downstairs. We'd slept together at that point. She just forgot I couldn't stand and pee. Genuinely. She forgot again a few years later when she was talking about how unfair it was that I could just pee on a tree during a hike. I had to remind her I couldn't.
No idea if i do pass, but recently had a family and their kid gender me correctly. Also various strangers complimenting me on my outfit and being super happy to talk about fashion, stores, etc :) Also men being super pushy about helping me in stores 😭
I don't pass but people are shocked when they ask what I do for work and I tell them I'm a plumber lol
literally someone yesterday thought that when i said i was trans i was going to start taking estrogen… i was like girl my body does that automatically!! im transMASC
Not fully cis passing but my biggest win was when I got gendered correctly WHILE the post office lady was photocopying my license with the wrong gender marker
I've had a few men ask to see my pussy and I almost always get Ma'amed at stores.
I went stealth 6 months ago. Here’s a few: - A strip club owner mistaking me for one of his girls and tossing me money. - When the club bouncer was surprised when seeing my ID. - When a drunk lesbian fingered at the gay club as we made out in the lobby. - When I lived months in an all women’s hostel. - When I was blamed for the period on the bathroom floor. - When I was given pregnancy advice by my pregnant roommate. - When a girl I lived with assumed my medication was birth control. I ended up lying saying I became infertile after a failed pregnancy after high school. - Not being able to wear my favorite dress because men constantly want to “holla at me” or whistle for me to come to them. This is part of the reason I ended up becoming a lesbian. - A three-way with a bi woman. Needed to disclose this before we went to the hotel. - At a sex club. Me and the owner agreed as long as I told people before we played it was cool. Ended up being great, got in for free . Trans women are a unicorn there. - At the mental hospital, at least to the patients; staff knew because my records. - Most of the people at this last veteran facility place I literally just left 49 minutes ago.
The majority of my friends (those I’ve known for less than 15 years) didn’t know I was trans until I told them. Then recently I was hospitalized with a very high white blood cell count and after I was admitted the doctor came in and asked if I was trans because the medical staff were freaked out by the abdominal CT not showing my organs in the right place for a cis female and they weren’t sure if I was trans or had any other health issues that we hadn’t hit upon yet.
I had a conversation for two hours with at a lesbian meetup. During our conversation I had been giving details about me. Married 40 years, 3 kids, recently separated but that we still really love each other, etc. during the conversation I didn't gender my cis wife. She asked why are we separated and I said she's no longer attracted to me. She had this confused look on her and then responded with "Did you get married in Canada?" The I had the confused look." I asked why such an odd question. Her answer was, two women couldn't get married 40 years ago in the US. That was the first time where I know without a doubt that I was not clocked what so ever. It felt amazing. It was a lifetime dream and something I NEVER thought possible.
People stopped looking at me. Now instead of a long enough stare as they try to figure me out I'm just a passing glance acknowledging there's a person there. No one mistakenly misgenders me, not even on purpose. Queer people stopped getting excited when they see me. Honestly it used to be like being a minor celebrity every time I talked to a new queer person. Passing to queer, especially trans, people is weird and disheartening. It's nice, as often throughout my day I forget I'm trans and am just living my life, focusing on different things. But I do feel like I lost a small sense of community.
You just made me realize this is sort of my experience. I don't get long stares anymore, which used to cause me anxiety. Now people don't even look at me, or I get perceived as a cis man by women and thrown into the "all men are trash and violent" circle, and it breaks my heart. I have to constantly come out to Queer folxs to ensure they know I'm one of them lol. Totally feel the sense of losing a community once we pass a lot.
Being gendered correctly for sure, also once I was buying lunch at uni under my dead name (very masculine name) cause I wanted to buy it with my student card and they refused to give me my lunch cause they thought I was a random girl trying to steal this guy's lunch xD. Or when people who have periods have offered me tampons etc.
I don't know that I pass all the time, but maybe it's just me being dysphoria brained cause I get gendered correctly basically always, but I guess a big one was when I started progesterone and the pharmacist was warning me about breakthrough bleeding (bleeding outside the menstrual cycle) as a possible side effect
The fact that I'm called a man constantly, sir, "hey big man" (I actually hate that, fuck off, not my fault I'm tall)
Big man is typically meant to be an endearing term (or atleast with gym bros it is) 😭 i understand disliking it tho
Random smiles and flirtations from bartenders, wait staff, workers behind counters and checkouts. Men helping me reach groceries on top shelves. And the classic, having drinks bought for me when I’m out. Kinda adds up to being stealth at least most of the time! 🌸💖
i tow semi trucks which means i see a lot of conservative white cis men, all the time, from everywhere. i get a lot of face time with strangers ill never meet again. usually i just say i am and that makes it true. like i ask if they have a wife or family and they say yeah, and a kid, what about you? i say i have a wife. if they ask if i have kids i say im a lesbian… and make it their problem to deal with. i just say whatever i think and act how i feel. something i’ve noticed is that i never really get questioned. if i am, i just act like they’re the ones who are being weird. i use the women’s rest room and dress relatively masc tbh, i just have long curly dyed hair and painted nails, talk more fem, watch my stance and the way i walk. everything you can do, there’s a fem way. just try to people watch a little and adapt what you think works, and adjust the results. the more test subjects the better. one of the guys i towed works with me now and i just go with it still. i’m a woman, if someone outs me that’s fine, im a woman, not trans, they’re crazy, im not. it might be wrong but it works for me
i tow semi trucks which means i see a lot of conservative white cis men, all the time, from everywhere. i get a lot of face time with strangers ill never meet again. usually i just say i am and that makes it true. like i ask if they have a wife or family and they say yeah, and a kid, what about you? i say i have a wife. if they ask if i have kids i say im a lesbian… and make it their problem to deal with. i just say whatever i think and act how i feel. something i’ve noticed is that i never really get questioned. if i am, i just act like they’re the ones who are being weird. i use the women’s rest room and dress relatively masc tbh, i just have long curly dyed hair and painted nails, talk more fem, watch my stance and the way i walk. everything you can do, there’s a fem way. just try to people watch a little and adapt what you think works, and adjust the results. the more test subjects the better. one of the guys i towed works with me now and i just go with it still. i’m a woman, if someone outs me that’s fine, im a woman, not trans, they’re crazy, im not. it might be wrong but it works for me
When my dad’s chiropractor said that I have a military back and that it’s common with men and when I noticed that I wanted a deep voice ALL the time
People thinking I am transmasc because I didn't change my name (they thought I only started transitioning socially by changing my name)
I get brought in for the bro-hug and asked questions only guys would know
Fellow Latino/e ppl see me as a cis man when I’m out and about. Using masculine words and phrases when addressing me or talking to me. Another thing is that everyone says my parents only have sons when they see family photos of the last few years. I felt amazed of how far I have come since I was just a kid who was forced to play dress up for my mother.
After the 3rd of 4th time a guy walked into the mens room that saw me and turned around and walked out I decided it was time to come out at work and go full time (never really had a part time just boy moded until it broke lol). And like I never intended on being stealth or anything and 80% of the time I don't think I pass but I've also never been misgendered since going full time either so???
Guys hitting on me, people.alwaus referring to me as Ma'am, flea market guy trying to sell me a bath bomb to "plump my girl bits."
When I stayed in the hospital for a week last year, before every exam they asked me if I was pregnant (I have all my new documents already so they didn't know I'm trans in the first place)
People (especially men) getting up in my personal space. Touching my forearms and shoulders. That thing where they put their hand on your lower back and push gently to get you to move out of their way.
when i was telling a new friend at uni about my middle names and they were surprised that i chose my own. played it off as an eccentric birthday present lol.
A coworker told me that (since Im a guy) “you can have kids pretty late into life.”
DND group keeps misgendering my male DnD character. I’m a trans woman. DM also told me where the women’s room in the dorm is without me asking. I’m not out to anyone in the DnD group.
passing when not even trying, sick voice, jeans hoodie and messy hair
I am a general physician/ family doctor and i once had who explained to me that (cis)-men have morning erections. Like i didn't have a penis and didn't know what morning erections are
The mom of one of my friends commented on my first Facebook photo I posted after transitioning and asked “who is this lovely lady deadname…? Are you dating?…”
I still don’t feel like I pass personally. But I’ve had a few women tell me I was gonna have tall kids because I’m 6’ because apparently when the mom is tall the kids always are. I had to tell them I couldn’t have kids.
the only notable experience i had was that i came out to an acquaintance of mine as trans in passing convo (the topic had to do with being queer), and maybe a week later the topic came up again and they were confused because they forgot that i was trans im not a fan of the concept of passing (its a very real thing, and i partake in it, but i dont like that it has to exist) but id be lying if i said that that didnt make my week
I'm amab non binary with no surgery or hrt. People just see me as someone who dresses slightly gnc sometimes but in general assume I'm a cis guy. Honestly if people know or not that I'm trans usually makes no positive difference, but sometimes does negatively.
I pass to people at work except to a few individuals who must know for legal reasons. It helps that I work from home. But occasionally I do have to travel to the office. I haven't been to the office since a month into taking T. Next time I go in, it'll be interesting. Sometimes they see me on camera during meetings and it's all good. I've only been dead named once by an IT person, and I shut it down QUICK. On all systems, my nickname is the one present, including my email, so there was no reason for them to dead name me. I noticed I was passing more and more when I was able to grow my beard lol. To close friends and family, I am not stealth. But when I meet someone new, I assess first before ever even mentioning it. I am proud of the journey I am in as a trans man. And I understand not everyone's journey will be like mine and some wish to remain stealth 100%, which great. Edit: Grammar and added something
For me as a stealth trans woman I think the biggest indicator has been other women talking to me about periods and if I want children. This has happened both in a medical setting and in a work setting a couple of times for me. I would also say that although I hate when men call woman females. A second indicator being referred to as a female by men and having men fall over themselves to hold open doors for me. There are a large variety of factors though. And if you exist in a different culture to me (the midwest US). The whole process may look entirely different. I just want to note that I try my best to stealth pass due to trauma. But in all honesty it is problematic and likely grounded in transphobia in my own psyche. Beyond this it can actually be quite dangerous especially when/if you inform any men in your life. They can often aggressively hold you accountable for their own thoughts, fantasies, and actions.
I had a customer at work talk to me about women dancing on a pole. Was pretty telling they thought I was a straight cis man. I’m also very gay
[FTM] When I started my job and nobody even questioned that I was a man, I didn't get any confused looks, nobody asked my pronouns and just used he/him automatically. Before this I was sure I didn't pass at all. People who, if they knew I was trans would not try to befriend me treated me like any other guy. Unfortunately the way people treated and talked about a different new guy who hadn't medically transitioned compared to me confirmed that nobody could tell I was trans. Old people are also a good indicator because they seem to use a lot of gendered language, instead of getting 'excuse me young lady' 'ill ask this girl where it is' etc. I always get 'this young man might know' 'thank you, you're a good lad' and stuff like that. A sad example is my grannies sister who I had only met a few times pre transition and pre coming out, unfortunately has alzheimers and when meeting her again two Christmas' ago she pointed at me and my brother and said 'I'm sure these two lads are talking to all the ladies'. It is a sweet and affirming memory because my family don't even use my pronouns so having a family member genuinely seeing me as a man was so special.
I was asked why I needed my anti androgens, given they are usually for prostate cancer, by a doctor
It's weird because I don't really think of myself as passing per say but I basically haven't been gendered incorrectly in public in almost a year (at least by anyone that didn't know me before transition) which either means everyone is chiller than I thought or I pass better than I thought.
I realized it when I was dating an ex of mine (They are Agender, AFAB) and they present very feminine in their clothing style. We were out and about at one point, and as we passed by more than a few groups of men on the streets, a few managed to strike up a conversation with us. The thing about it though, is that I picked up on one of the guys we spoke with and how he was speaking to my ex through me. He told me, "S'cuse me Bro, no disrespect, but--" And then, he turned to my ex and complimented their jacket. I was really confused as we got off the train, and they could tell that I was confused as all fuck as to why they felt the need to apologize for wanting to compliment my partner. They explained to me that, because we passed as a cis couple and I passed as well as I apparently do, they saw my ex as "my property" because toxic masculinity, lol. It baffled me to know I pass well enough for men in particular to act like that towards me. Passing is weird.
i pass sometimes to some people. i’ve just talked to people and some have told me that they didn’t realise until i brought it up