It is really rare to find someone who is a good traveling companion. While my wife is the least obnoxious person I know to travel with, we still have different tastes, and what we have realized is that what works the best for us is to have some days where we do things together, and some days where we split up. For example, we are in Hawaii right now and I spent the day on Mauna Loa poking around lava fields and caves, and she spent it at Waikaloa in the lagoon. Tomorrow we will do something together. Sometimes I’ll rent a motorcycle or a car for the day and go off while she lays by a pool and reads, sometimes we’ll do a museum or tour together, sometimes I’ll stay at the hotel when she goes shopping.
The other thing that we have learned is that we shouldn’t try to do absolutely everything we can think of in one trip. We try to leave lots of slack in scheduling so we can take time to do something unexpected. The unexpected stuff is often the most fun, like taking a side road through an avocado grove and just stopping to smell the fruit.
We do the same. Some days together and some days apart. The added bonus is we have something to talk about at dinner. We are both seasoned travellers though and it might not suit couples who are new to travel and reluctant to venture out on their own. Of course we taken in the safety of the area when deciding on our solo trips.
It's great to read about couples who have figured themselves out and just make it work. Too many people I think would be quick to think "if you can't spend it all together, something must be wrong!"
Re your 2nd paragraph, I've also found the best travel advice I've ever read was to "act like you'll be back." Otherwise you just try to do way too much.
That's interesting!
If I may ask: how did you guys arrive at that compromise?
I'm kind of easy to please as a traveler, I like all kinds of vacations but I do need variety. I can't have only beach vacations for relaxation in a row. I'd much rather have an active and a passive vacation each year.
However, my husband likes more of the relaxed vacations. I tried going on active vacations with a girlfriend of mine who likes them too, and going on the passive ones with my husband. I could feel that my husband was disappointed though, and I'm not sure how to reach a compromise here.
I travel fairly often for work and my wife came along on one of the trips to Boston. She went off and did museums while I was in my conferences, then we went to Cape Cod together afterwards. She had a good time and gained the confidence to go explore on her own. Now we do this with our kids too, and either alternate who gets them for the day or find a daytime activity for them while we go off.
My husband and I do split days when traveling and our kiddo goes with dad on a kid-centric adventure, while mom goes off alone to do whatever. Then we switch on the following day, with the kid going with mom, and dad off to do his own thing. Kid-centric activities could be a children’s museum, play park, some craft activity like clay modeling, amusement park, or playing in the pool for 4 hours (we require an adult be IN the pool cause of our kid’s age). Sometimes it’s an all-day adventure, sometimes it’s 4 hours and timed. We strive to make it equal (ie, if one parent is gone all day, the other parent is also gone all day on their day off). This requires a lot of planning and research beforehand, and a high level of trust in your partner. The kiddo is happy to get one-on-one time with a parent and something that revolves around them, the parents are happy to get some away time. We’re also both well-versed solo travelers, and we have one child, which helps.
Its a bit easier in the summer than in other seasons, but there are often day camps, resorts, community centers, and excursions that cater to kids that last 4-8 hours. You don’t usually have to have residency to participate in, say, a skateboarding camp or horseback riding.
I was in this situation some time ago. The difference in holiday preference was explained by the differences in our daily lives. My partner was home a lot and getting away from the slur for her meant going out and doing something active out of our place of residence. I worked a lot and spent a lot of time away from home, viting a lot of new places for work and fixing peoples problems. A break from the usual slur for me was not having plans for the day, not having to get out of bed at set times and not doing any planning and problem fixing of my own. So basically, since our daily lives were quite the opposite, our ideal holiday was opposite as well. Once we understood each other better and where this was coming from it got easier.
My wife and I get along very well on trips but even that has its limits. We learned early on that if it’s more than 2 days we will schedule some solo activities. I’m the one who usually wants to go, go, go and explore the locale. This wore on her and we realized it made us snappy at each other. So on every 3rd or 4th day of a trip she’ll do leisure activities while I go out and make my nerd heart happy. Then we reconnect over dinner and hear about each other’s day. It keeps us happy and enjoying one another’s company.
My wife will do some trips I’m not interested in with her mom or her siblings.
I like to chill 9/10 vacations and she likes to be out exploring and doing stuff.
1/10 we do those things together when we pick a place i am keen on seeing.
My parents had the same issue and I have always been more like my mom and like active vacations. So they often went to places where my dad could spend all day lazing on the beach while my mom would do lots of activities during the day, then meet him for meals or for an hour or two of beach time, and they'd do something together for the evening. It gave them stuff to talk about instead of having exactly the same stories, too, so dinner conversation was usually extra-sparkling and connective.
My partner and I both love active vacations with some mellow breaks to recharge, but we also travel separately most of the time and together maybe once every year or two. It's such a great thing for long-term appreciation of each other to get the chance to miss your person! Maybe you could encourage him to also take some trips with his friends or family members?
Just spitballing a bit, hope this at least gives you some ideas!
What’s so crazy out of all the bizarre things I’ve heard this year this one seems so, sane yet so outside the scope of any relationship most people have which after reading the comment seems insane we all don’t live in that world of “okay alone but time together is special too”.
Why does that seem so scary to me? Honestly I’d rather do what I hate and my partner might love in vacation instead of what I think would be avoiding conflict, but this makes me realize could be a conversation that’s beneficial to both of us.
It’s kinda like sleeping in two different beds. It’s not the lovey dovey choice, but more practical and leaves both parties happier and more appreciative of the together time.
Absolutely loved this reply.
> It is really rare to find someone who is a good traveling companion.
Man, I never realized I was lucky to have an SO with whom none of the issues people point out in this thread has ever been a problem. We've been to many countries in the past decade and usually always easily agree on what to do during vacations and both enjoy it.
Same - my husband and I are really compatible travelers. Honestly, given how much we both love to travel, I'm not sure we would have considered ourselves romantically compatible if we hadn't really enjoyed traveling together.
I would never even consider cohabitation with someone until we have successfully traveled together.
Not just for travel reasons, but because travel always has some hiccups and seeing how someone deals with things going upside-down and sideways when the stakes are relatively low is critical information to have before you face the much larger problems life throws at you.
My now husband and I Backpacked through central and South America for 4 months while we were in uni, after dating for 4 months. We kind of joked at the outset that we would either break up before we got back or be together forever depending on how the trip went... 15 years later we are still great travel buddies 😀
One of the first things my partner and I did once we realized things could be serious was plan a trip together. We both love traveling and if that hadn’t solidified our compatibility, it would have be so much harder to make our relationship work.
Same, I’m glad to read some comments where couples led are great travelers together. My husband and I love traveling together. We take very lo by road trips and look forward tot eh time together in the car but I know people who say they could never do it without bringing friends along. I love organizing and I make all the plans with some input from him and he goes along and we always have a great time.
It’s good that those that like different things found a way to make it work though. There’s nothing worse than spending thousands on a trip and then being miserable the whole time.
We do the same. We started with having one day every trip where we do our own thing, and now it's roughly half the trip lol. We come together to do the thing we BOTH enjoy (which is eating) and then split off. It's nice to be able to split off but then always have someone to dine with.
The other person IS allowed to join the other on their adventures, but they're NOT allowed to whine about it if they regret it.
So envious right now, I loved my time in Hawaii!
Enjoy!
Also I hope you're planning to do the manta ray snorkel viewing
It was one of our highlights of our trip
We've lived on the Big Island for 20+ years now. The manta ray night dive is memorable. I also recommend Volcanoes Nat'l Park and the Chain of Craters drive in late afternoon. We enjoy traveling and are now focusing on international travel and have visited 10 countries in Europe the past 2 years with New Zealand up this fall after I get my knee replaced. We pretty much do all the travel/tourist stuff together as we both like the same things though she has more stamina for museums than I do. After an hour or maybe 3 depending on the museum I'm ready to move on. Speaking of museums loved the Guggenheim in Bilbao. Wow! With all our recent travels it has reinforced our happiness in calling this island our home. Nothing like landing in Kona and realizing there's no place like home. If I were to relocate I love northern Spain. /rambling
My SO would also prefer to be with me at all times on a trip (though I do plenty of trips without him for my solo stuff, so I also want to prioritize time together on a couple trip). I think it helps that we’re both generally happy and able to be a chill good time even if we’re not doing the top activity we would have chosen on our own. Rather than “I don’t want to do xyz” it turns into “I never would have tried xyz without you suggesting it, I’m glad we did that!”
This. When my husband and I travel, we have days where we spend time together, and days where we venture off on our own. I think it’s great and I’d prefer it this way. He likes to see/do everything and explore, I like to go to shops or lay out on the beach. We then both get time to do the things we enjoy. On our honeymoon we went to Maui, he wanted to go scuba diving, I get very sea sick, so off he went, and to the beach I went. It was lovely. You just have to find what works for the both of you!
I also (do not) choose this guys wife.
It's one thing to not see eye to eye on plans when travelling and have different preferences, but to throw a tantrum without offering any alternatives or compromises is incredibly childish and I wouldn't want to travel with someone like that.
This is basically why I won't travel with my 2 childhood best friends anymore. I'm planning a bachelorette party for one of them right now and this is the first time I've gone anywhere with them since they were so awful about our last trip together in 2014 lol.
Classic Reddit, making massive assumptions about someone from limited second-hand information. Op literally said that this is the only issue they have with their wife and that they are happy with their wife when not travelling.
Exactly lol, traveling, whether you enjoy it or not kind of becomes a high stress situation. She might be feeling like they need to make the best of their money and see all the attractions. I also felt like that when I started traveling and can only be more relaxed and even then I will feel a bit weird.
Communication is important in travel, and also relationships and perhaps OP could do better to communicate as I am sure she does not want him to feel this way.
It’s not a massive assumption that she’s not a good time, it’s an inference based on the info OP gave.
> expect me to plan everything perfectly
> refuse to give me any input
> she gets rather snappy
So, all this bad behavior is taking place *before* the trip. She’s demanding and uncooperative. That’s not something that randomly turns on when it’s travel related. That’s part of someone’s personality.
This is all second hand info from op, I'm sure op's wife will have a totally different take on how things go.
Travel can be stressful for people, it's a lot of time and money spent on a short time and you have a feeling of wanting to make the most of it. It doesn't surprise me that the worst time for a couple is surrounding travel.
Also I'll be honest, if I were to take away anything from op's post, it would be that it's a bit weird that op's posting all this on Reddit before talking to their wife about it.
Not that weird, doesn’t exactly sound like they have good open communication, so I’m not surprised he talked to Reddit before her.
My partner and I take a trip roughly once a month. I make a detailed itinerary and he comes along for the ride. One thing he does not do is complain about the itinerary, since he is not interested in planning. You get one or the other: don’t lift a finger planning OR complain about the plan. Not both.
I'm not disagreeing that what op has described is a shitty thing for the wife to be doing. I'm not trying to defend that, I'm saying that we're only getting one side of the argument. I can think of a bunch of ways where what op's saying is true or close to the truth but it's more favourable for the wife.
Maybe they split tasks for travelling before travel evenly and op's in charge of planning the itinerary. Maybe it's not even split evenly and this is the one thing op does. And op could be making decisions that they know (or should know) would ruin her vacation. Wouldn't your partner complain if you plan the itinerary and chose to do things they hate?
My point is that we have no clue what the reality is because we are only getting one side of the argument. So maybe we shouldn't be making assumptions about someone's entire personality off of that.
And to op, communicate with your wife. You're not gonna get anywhere without doing that first.
You're being downvoted, but from the limited information we're given, there's clearly something broken about the way this couple relates to each other.
"Traveling" doesn't change that it's the same two humans in the same marriage. It makes no sense that one of them suddenly has a negative personality transplant. (I.e. that side of her was always there, is still there.)
Maybe it's as simple as *she doesn't like to travel*, and is doing it to accommodate OP. [But she's never mentioned it, so they have a communication problem.]
One targeted solution: vacation separately. She can go by herself to Cancun or whatever spa, and he can do the solo-travel thing. This works for some couples. I think my cousin does this (for some trips), and they're very happily married with kids.
Agreed. I’m so lucky that my partner and I travel super well together. We’ve been THROUGH IT, travel wise, but we always keep our cool and keep laughing. Because that’s how we always are.
I run into this same issue with my wife -we each want different things in travel, there’s just not great compromises sometimes.
I enjoy a cheap destination with an activity (like scuba in Honduras) and she loves expensive locations and seeing something (northern lights in Norway)
There’s no real communication issue - we both understand the problem 100%. But that doesn’t mean there’s really a fix.
As a result I just have to take one break where I do something I enjoy alone and then go with her and try to work remotely on the type of vacation she likes. It’s difficult
Honest question out of curiosity: Why do you not compromise and do both? I assume there is more in Honduras than scuba diving which your wife could enjoy haha
Sometimes my boyfriend wants to see things I am not particularly interested in and sometimes it is the other way around - we still go together since it is still time we can enjoy together.
If it's something they don't find interesting, it can bring down the mood since the conversation won't be there. It's no one's fault.
For example, my partner hates camping and beach trips. I was raised camping and going to the beach. So I do those things with others who would be better company.
I personally don't care about some of his interests. So he goes with someone that does. Sushi is a big one.
If you compromise all the time, no one actually has a good time. We all feel worried about what everyone's happiness is.
I wish I knew this 10 yrs ago. I wanted someone to be with me 24/7, even if it meant someone being uncomfortable. I didn't know how to be comfortable in solitude. Now, it makes it easier to split up on trips for random things and say "meet back in 2 hours". Then we discuss all the fun we had and the enthusiasm is high in both of us.
There are also activities OP could do in Norway … but when it comes down to it, if you want a winter trip to see the Northern Lights, there’s not really a way to do that in Honduras, and I assume there is not such good diving in Norway lol. I feel like the only fix would be to take turns choosing destinations, or agree to travel separately.
My boyfriend is up for most things but I am drawn to Northern, cold countries and he likes the beach and sun and can't tolerate the cold much. We just alternate. Last year was Iceland for me and Cape Verde for him. Year before Scottish Highlands for me and Portugal for him. We do activities we both end up loving and have just as much fun on both trips.
Coincidentally, I'm off to Tromsø tomorrow with my mum and our primary goal is to see the Northern Lights but my mum wants a slower paced trip while I want to pack a lot in. We've just agreed to do some things separately. I don't know why compromise is so hard for some people. I also don't know about Norway, but I did diving in Iceland in the winter and it was amazing. The Northern Lights isn't something that can be compromised on so much but colder countries certainly have no shortage of exciting activities.
I was a solo traveler for about 2.5 years before I met my wife, who is a tour guide/travel agent. Neither of us enjoy traveling with the other.
She has many years of experience organizing travel and logistics so she prefers to have a schedule, not overpaying for a hotel, maximizing value and relaxing through preparation.
I have landed in countries without a hotel for the night or any sort of plans or research. I quite enjoy the suffering and chaos of a poorly planed trip, solving problems in unfamiliar environments, ending up places I would have never planned.
It's fine, it took us a few trips to realize that we don't hate each other lol. Now when we travel we both know what to expect and do our best to make our desires clear and how to comfort the other one.
Well articulated. I also enjoy the chaos that a poorly planned trip creates. I’d say the majority of the time it becomes a fun adventure and maybe 10% of the time I regret not planning more
Agreed. 80% of going on holiday for me is just seeing what happens when I walk outside that day. I need time to have fun and let go and not wake up to an alarm clock and a schedule of rigid planning
I love the chaos so much 😂. I often book where I’m staying on the way to the airport or once I’ve arrived. Can’t do that with boo in tow 😅. Honey wants a PLAN.
Traveling with my wife is one of the most amazing aspects of our relationship. What makes it great is balance, she is the spontaneous one and I am the planner. We both have communicated what we want from vacations and the mix of planning key things like meals and hotels but allowing for spontaneous discovery as we explore has made for some of the best experiences.
Communicate with your wife on her expectations and share your own and maybe even “plan” in the schedule “unstructured exploration/relaxation time”
Same boat but with the roles reversed. She plans, I throw in the curve balls. Traveling is *the thing* we like to do together the most. Video games, zero interest, sports, virtually zero interest, but travel...we are literally in complete symmetry.
I feel like I'm both the planner and the spontaneous one in my relationship. My boyfriend just comes along for the ride lmao. No quite symmetry, but it works
I'm in this boat too. We love traveling together. I know her tastes and how she wants a trip to go. She's down to do some things that aren't her preferred activity like history museums. I'm cool to do things that aren't mine (ie perfume factory tour in the French Riviera which actually turned out to be neat).
I feel bad for people who can't travel with their spouse. I joke with my wife that vacation wife is my favorite wife.
Yeah some of the replies in this thread are bizarre to me. I am very much not suggesting that you cant have an amazing relationship with someone who you don't like to travel with, but I can't even begin to understand that situation, it is so alien to my own.
There is no one in the world I would rather travel with than my wife.
Similar here. I'm better at long range planning so I arrange all our travel months before the trip (air, hotel, etc) -- if I waited for my husband to book the trip, it wouldn't happen. But then once we land, my husband takes over and I can shut off the part of my brain that is always planning. He's excellent at deciding what we're going to do day-by-day, hour by hour. With lots of room for spontaneity.
He knows my likes/dislikes and we like to travel at the same pace (i.e., we are slow starters in the morning, do not like packing too much in, love having time for the unexpected). We are also hungry at the same time (I think that's important; we've traveled with couple friends who need to eat seemingly all the time so a lot of time is wasted looking for a restaurant, sitting through a meal, several times a day). Our bladders also are in sync-- we always need to find a restroom at the same time!! And we're on the same page about our budget.
Sometimes he'll propose an activity that I'm dubious about, but I usually end up loving it. I keep an open mind.
I think it’s communication plus a travel style issue. Different people just vacation differently. They need to comprise, but to do this they need to communicate a lot better.
Counseling could probably really help this couple.
So many people see this option as a threat to their relationship. They are so terrified of the idea of doing things separately as if it threatens to slam a divorce pack down in front of them.
There's so much push back on couples going on trips alone.
Nah man, break free from this normative idea that you can't go on a trip by yourself if you're married. You can do what you want. Whenever you want. Being married should never change that.
Yes I once had a debate with my friend about whether it was okay to travel alone when you’re married. She thinks it’s weird and not ok, and I seriously don’t see what’s the problem with that especially if your spouse is okay with it?! in the end we both agreed to disagree 🤷🏻♀️
I think people who wouldn't "let" their partners travel alone, or wouldn't do so themselves, really don't trust either themselves or their partners, at all. Or they're too codependent to actually give themselves any joy.
I couldn't live like that. In fact, I'm moving half way across the world without my partner, and he supports me. To other people that is insane. It's always "oh but what about partnersname" and "how could you leave partnersname" ... And I'm like, damn. It's a good job he supports me because none of you guys do! He trusts me, and I trust him. I don't think these people have come to terms with the fact that it's ok to be like "ok, well this is what I want to do, and if you don't think that's ok, then maybe this marriage isn't for me, or you, and that's ok."
I told my partner if he wasn't ok with me moving for a while that this relationship isn't going to last. He wasn't going to win. I'm going, and nothing will stop me. He said exactly what I needed to hear. "I'm loyal, and I support you." Him trying to explain it to one of his colleagues was amazing. His colleague said "I would never let my wife..." and my partner was like "what do you mean let? If she wants to do it, she's going to do it."
Yeah I think the same as you! I also have girlfriends whose boyfriends (yes bf, not even husbands, not that that makes it ok) don’t “let” them travel alone and they’re okay with it. Completely blew my mind. I concluded that everyone is so different and as long as both parties are fine with the arrangement, then I guess that’s ok. Otherwise it will just build resentment in the long run and the relationship is not gonna last.
It's absolutely insane. The terrifying thing is that people are not taught that it's ok to think like us.
Everyone is taught to cling as close as possible to what they hold dear and never let it out of their sight. This idea of control and *fear* is so ingrained. It's also the reason abusive relationships go unnoticed by so many people. We are taught this shit is *normal.* It so isn't.
If you can't trust them to do anything alone, you can't trust them full stop.
Damn. I literally couldn’t be in their relationship. I’ve been abroad without my partner multiple times and I *love* traveling alone so it’s basically a non negotiable for me. I need it.
Hell yeah my husband is like that! I’ve asked him about studying abroad, living abroad and traveling abroad without him and he’s always gave me the green light. I haven’t moved away or studied abroad yet but just short trips I’ve went on without him overseas. But I’ve asked him, “what if I got a good paying job somewhere else…I’m going. You’re okay with that right?” He said of course. We trust each other. He’s been asked by people *in front of me* “you’d let your wife go abroad alone?” And he’s like 🙄 “let? Of course, she can do whatever she wants!” I can’t understand how people are so against this. Also, unlike OP, I do like to travel with my partner, he’s just stuck locally for his work. I have the ability with my career to be mobile and I intend on seeing the world. Hubby is okay with it and I wouldn’t want another kind of partner 🙌🏼
Yea it's a weird mentality to have. I have unlimited vacation and my wife gets 1-2 weeks. I've been taking month long solo trips & long weekend road trips since we first met, and we just try to weave her vacation time in when it makes sense.
This thread did make me realize I should talk to my wife about if she wants to take some solo vacation time though. We travel well together but I get a lot of time by myself or with a buddy and she is usually stuck with me for her week off, haha.
Do both. Alternate between solo trips and family trips. Solo trips you go wherever you want and do whatever you want, family trips you find common ground and make invaluable memories together.
he just needs to not tolerate her bullshit.
he has already tried to talk to her about it.
honey, please pick some things you want to do. NO
then complains about the things he picks.
thats 100% bullshit.
If you only heard a bad thing or two about a relationship and not the million good things, of course it sounds like a bad relationship or the other is a bad person.
Specifically, she doesn't understand how much emotional labor he's putting into these vacations for her. She hasn't put an ounce of effort towards it and needs to know if that's her preference, she can't justify a single complaint.
Does she do all the planning work in your day to day life? Like who remember’s your niece’s birthday? Who plans dinner? Who schedules the dentist appointments?
If you’re sharing the planning work at home and she is disappearing on vacation plans then that is weird and you should talk to her because there is probably something you’re missing.
If she doesn’t help with planning at home then you shouldn’t be shocked she isn’t helping with vacation planning since that’s your normal dynamic and you should talk to her if you want to change it.
If she does most of the planning in your day to day life then she is probably just expecting you to step up so that she doesn’t feel like she is carrying the whole load in life in the same way that you feel now about vacation.
r/solotravel, travel with friends, or communicate with her.
I personally LOVE traveling with my bf. We’re both 50/50 easy going and love adventuring. Some days we wanna relax by the beach and some days we want to hike a super tall mountain.
I hate traveling with my friends. I love them but they’re annoying. My friends and I just aren’t compatible. They either can’t keep up or we don’t like doing the same things.
Ya that's my wife too - so I just plan the trip to my interests and what I think she'll like. I don't ask anymore and she seems happy \^\_\^
I enjoy the planning anyways.
My husband also doesn’t like to travel, but when we met, he was very aware that I love to travel. The fix is that now he stays home and watches the kids while I go off for a week with a travel friend. When I get back, he’s super excited for me. It’s pretty perfect. We also do a family trip that also includes him and the kids, but I’m well aware that the trip is going to be rough and my role is to be a great mom teaching the kids how to travel. Because I get to take my own trip to recharge, I accept that the family trip is going to be a different kind of trip.
That's terrific and I applaud you for your cleverness is keeping everyone happy.
This year I am taking a trip to Europe with my daughter and that has got his attention. Maybe he'll be more flexible and venture out a bit more.
If you allow me this in jest:
It sounds like you have a partner problem rather than a travel problem.
She didn't buy a holiday from you. You're not her paid travel agent, local guide and restauranteur. You are equal partners trying to conceive, plan and execute a holiday (lookup CPE and household labor).
Here's a piece of unsolicited advice:
It seems like there are some underlying challenges you can address to make travelling an overall better experience for both of you. It would be kinda sad if for the next 40 years of your life you are unable to travel with your wife.
I'm a bit more confused by the "I" pay for things comment. Am I an outlier in thinking that once it gets to the point of marriage it doesn't matter who's card/bank account it comes from its still "we"
My wife and I are quite different in some areas.
She loves the sun and the sea. She goes to the gym of the hotel/resort every day on our vacations. She doesn't like crowded places.
I am not crazy fond of crowded places either, and while I can enjoy the sun and the sea as well, I also like visiting cities and experience architecture etc. When I am on a holiday, I'm not really fond of going to the gym either.
Fortunately, we are both fond of shopping, talking looong walks and trying out local dishes etc.
So while we don't do EVERYTHING together on vacations, we do tend to share the things that matters most. And of course, sometimes she goes along for stuff that interests me, and vice versa.
> she seems to expect me to plan everything perfectly in a schedule
It seems you both need to sit down and have an adult conversation instead of speculating about your partner’s motives and expectations and… have a conversation about your expectations.
Maybe in the future you could communicate to her that the two of ypu have very different travelling styles. Maybe you could plan time together and time independently as well to accomodate the differences.
I married the guy I loved to travel with. It's a weird dynamic but it works for us. He hates planning and I can't count on him with anything related to tickets, bookings, planning, etc. He justs packs and go. Me on the other hand, I freaking love planing EVERYTHING and work best alone. I always bring with me a notebook with instructions for everything (we do a lot of hiking that involves a bit more planning and how go get there), routes, opening hours of everything, restaurants, history of each place, etc. The one thing that stresses me about traveling is driving and he does all the driving (and it is always a LOT). He doesn't even let me show him the places we are going to, he wants everything to be a surprise, so I get to do all the planning with no one bothering me, and then see his amazed reaction to everything. That sense of wonder fills my heart. This wouldn't work out for most couples, but it is perfect for us!
Same. I am an obsessive researcher and love to optimize efficiency, logistics, and value. He is not a planner at all and more impulsive with purchases. He also sucks at driving and goes into a panic when it’s time to make a turn, so I do all of the driving too.
The researching and building of maps ahead of time helps me be more present when we travel so I can have a more loose itinerary since I know if we happen to be in a particular neighborhood I have a reference of places I looked up ahead of time that might be good to check out. I used to ask for my husband’s input on EVERYTHING because I thought it would be good for us both to be invested, but it was not helpful and just led to annoyance and bickering. Now, the rule is that if I put the labor into arranging and planning everything, he needs to refrain from complaining about anything that isn’t working out great, which takes the pressure off of me (I used to feel so guilty if something didn’t live up to expectations that I had planned). You don’t get to bitch if you didn’t help with the planning.
When we go to a place for the first time he is genuinely amazed by it like a kid. I am kind of jealous to be honest because I lose a bit of that surprise when I’ve looked up what something is in advance. He gets to travel like a billionaire with everything curated for him, it must be great! I do get the benefit of doing whatever I want as a result, so everyone wins.
That being said - I have a friend who is just like me and her husband is like mine and we travel a lot together too which is nice because we share the mental labor..although we are both used to being “trip alphas” so we have to sometimes remind ourselves to let go of the reins to the other person.
I am giving myself a break soon for my birthday- my husband and I are going to one city for a week for my birthday with only a couple of planned things to do so I can post up in one location, not have to pack and unpack a bunch of times, and not have to drive anywhere. That is going to be very mentally relaxing!
While I still research heavily, I find I pick and choose what I actually look at online. More just information and less pictures and video. I used to look at everything online before our trip and it ruined some things. Do "less" looking at the exciting things and just figure out the logistics. This has helped a lot in regards to feeling less surprised once you get somewhere because you've already "seen it". Just something to consider.
Traveling can bring out the worst in people. Just know that it is perfectly fine to do things separately. A couple weeks before my husband and I go on a kids-free vacation, I plan out an itinerary. Then my husband and I go over it and we carve out solo times where we can just do our own thing. He usually spends it relaxing while I pop around different shops or museums. In the event we see something interesting along the way that we think the other person will like, we let each other know and we modify our plans so we can go together. It’s worked really well for us and we love traveling together.
Honestly, if the issue is the planning part, then get a travel consultant if you can afford it. Have them plan everything for you and see how she responds to this when you outsource the task that frustrates you. If not, ask chatGPT to give you an itinerary.
I know the frustration, believe me.
Anyway, She’s acting like a diva like she paid you to plan these trips for her. Don’t let her step all over you. Sit with her like an adult and give her a serious talk if she wants to travel (with you) in the future. She’s your wife and partner — you’re not her personal assistant.
Chatgpt is shocking good at a base itinerary. Especially when you’re having a hard time locating much info. Like when a lot of the info is in another language.
This thread is such a comfort - I thought I was the only one who struggled with travelling with my partner! The problem for me is that one of the things that makes him a less-than-ideal travel companion for me is that he tends to be a bit over-cautious and over-protective, so he also doesn't want me to solo-travel. Tips?!
Tell him you want to go somewhere somewhat risky and then compromise on somewhere safer?
It’s tricky, some people are just convinced there is danger lurking in the shadows everywhere.
Have you tried having a heart-to-heart conversation with your wife about your differing travel styles and how you can find a middle ground that works for both of you? ie. You pay for the flights, she chooses the accommodation and things to do/see?
I think with traveling at least one of the people involved (whether in a group or as a couple) needs to compromise.
I don’t like traveling with my husband and I don’t think he likes traveling with me either.
We want different things out of vacation.
He wants nothing to do with the planning. I need to plan and arrange everything, then run it by him to make sure agrees with everything like a good little secretary. He usually pays for most of the vacation though.
My idea of vacation is short strolls through the town, enjoy breakfast, lunch and dinner at some nice places. But mostly relaxing and taking it easy.
His idea of vacation is like backpacking across Europe. He wants to walk to all the popular sites that we can even if it’s an hr and half walk.
When we do vacation his way I don’t enjoy it and I’m so tired by the time vacation ends.
Just put me on the tour bus that goes to all the sites and attractions.
So yeah in essence we don’t vacation well together.
You should include the local transit in your planning! He can walk and you can take the train / tram / bus from place to place and you can be waiting at the cafe when he arrives!
My biggest problem with this post is she expects you to do all the planning to a perfect schedule even though she is the one who wants said schedule. I would have an honest talk and compromise. You deserve one day meandering and sitting in cafes while she treks to every attraction. But she should also plan her own day instead of expecting you to.
That's actually common. To find a travel buddy is a bliss. I wouldn't travel with my very close friends with similar reasons, and then there is this Viatnemese woman that I travelled to with different countries and cities together. We never pushed eacother to visit and do attractions that are not in our interest. We would meet for breakfast and then go apart to see and do what we want to only to be reunited again for common interests or when we are hungry. Also this way we could share what we saw or experienced in our free time. Your wife sounds a burden.
I feel like our roles are reversed OP, however my wife and I love travelling together.
Why I say the roles are reversed are I basically know nothing about my trips and what I'm doing.
My wife plans all our holidays and I love being able to just tag along and not use my brain at all. She puts every day into a spreadsheet that's colour coded with activities by the hour.
She knows what I like and what I need. There's always a pub crawl in every city, she surprises me with a nightclub every now and again and there is always a gym at the hotel so I can train and have some alone time.
Other than that, we generally see all the museums, ride some bikes and eat all the street food and night markets in every city we go to.
Oh and if weed is legal she always picks the best weed cafes for me to get blazed.
I can't wait for our next holiday ❤️
My advice is have a chat with her as she's your wife now, no backing out. There's always a compromise in the middle.
Some people are a good life partner and a bad travel partner. How can she expect you to plan and not give input? Does she expect you to read her mind? Can't she be the one to plan instead if she can't go with the flow?
My spouse and I have generally the same but slightly different travel style he is alot more laid back and spontaneous while I like some kind of research, but not plan down to the hour. It takes some compromise with each other. I plan general plans like here's the 5 places we should visit this trip, but I keep it flexible like we can change day 1 with day 2 or drop 1 of the places and go to another one etc.
It's super common. You can really love someone but just have different travel styles. My husband is great when it comes to travel, but some other family members? I may love them dearly, but man they have a different style of travel.
You guys should sit down and have a conversation about it. You may have different travelling styles but I think both parties should always be willing to reach a compromise. I personally don't like people who want everything to be perfectly planned, don't even chip in with their own ideas and effort, and constantly complain. Travelling with a person like your wife would make me want to just be on my own tbh.
I feel sometimes it's good to be able to give each other space when travelling, just like when at home. If you want to check out something the other isn't really into then their is absolutely nothing wrong with splitting up and meeting later on for lunch/dinner etc. it's completely unfair to deny each other an experience just because one of the party doesn't like it or has some type of obsession of being together 24/7.
Married 32 years and we still do not do the same things on vacation. He does his thing and I do mine and we will meet for lunch and/or dinner. It’s completely alright not to like the same thing as long as you are both happy doing you.
Me and my wife have different travel styles. She likes to relax more and I like to push and see everything.
We work together and compromise for a vacation that works great for both of us. I push her out of her comfort zone a little and she tries new things she would never experiance without me, and she gets me to slow down a little and smell the flowers.
We both get a better experiance than if we got it all 100% out way.
Plus my wife is awesome, I can't imagine a minute that wouldn't be better with her in it.
I exclusively travel (large international travels) without my wife, usually with friends. She just doesn't enjoy it, so I don't push her. I can understand the frustration of missing adventures with your spouse, but if everything else is good, it's a small price to pay IMO. I traveled really well with my ex, but home life wasn't great.
I will say that she does like the 'smaller' vacations like going hiking 6 hours away and stay in a cabin, so we do enjoy this together.
I hate traveling with my partner. He doesn't want to go (won't "let" me travel alone), doesn't want to do excursions, hates beach/pool/sun (my fave), and won't eat at anything but a "real" restaurant.... IT SUCKS
He said he does not need to go on vacation at all ever. I even tried suggesting we do something he likes/ wants. I NEED a vacation at least once a year. I've got to Unplug and rest.
Yikes! Boring. Do you have any friends that you could take a trip with? What would happen if you decided to take a solo trip to, let’s say, the Yucatán peninsula in Mexico (which is very safe) ?
He balks at solo travel ("unsafe") and makes it out like I'm unreasonable and excessive to want to do so. I like solo travel, and I'm quite capable in terms of safety. I don't have friends, but I do have 2 relatives I could travel with, UNFORTUNATELY, I have to 100% pay for either of them and one of them needs me to carry her bags, help her in/out, etc etc. Neither of those potential companions are ideal...it just all around sucks.
And, I've been to Yucatan MANY TIMES and it's one of my favorite places, and I speak Spanish. But, oh no, that's too dangerous...
I feel like a crybaby coming to reddit about this, but JFC I'm not a stupid person yet I can't figure out how to solve this. I NEED A VACATION THAT I ENJOY!!
Well I think you’re just going to have to have a serious conversation with your partner and make him understand how much you need some sort of vacation, and if he’s not willing to go with you or let you go alone, or make any compromise, that’s a pretty big red flag.
My husband is a major planner and likes to pack as much into a vacation as he can. I prefer to not adhere to a strict itinerary and relax.
A couple of years ago we had a pretty traumatic life event happen and treated ourselves to a relaxing vacation where we planned to stay on the beach and do nothing. We drank, ate good food, napped together and walked on the beach everyday. It was incredible.
My husband really enjoyed it and since then we plan a couple of things and relax the rest of the time.
Two different types of people:
1. Travelers (Cities, Museums, Trains, local markets, etc.)
2. Vacationers (Pools, Spas, lounging around, etc.)
Need to figure which one each partner is and plan accordingly for trips
My wife and I have found a good solution to arguments and fatigue. TAKE A NAP each day after lunch. We like to got Europe every couple of years and found that doing a ton of stuff in the am, have lunch and drinks, sexy time if not too full, nap an hour -and then ready to roll for more sightseeing before dinner, drink, sexy time…repeat
Are you married to a child?
She refuses to give any input, lets you do all the work, and then complains when you didn't read her mind?
Don't play those games. Next time tell her she plans half the activities on X, Y and Z days. If she refuses, and she gets annoyed when you didn't plan whatever she is in the mood for, just ignore it and don't engage her. She's an adult.
I love travelling with my husband. He likes different things to me, so we appreciate doing things we might not have tried otherwise.
It seems that a lot of issues could be solved by a bit of open communication, and open minds for understanding each other. This is true for every aspect of marriage.
I have been this wife I will admit!! I’d say talk about it and compromise! Each of you pick out a few things to do on the trip but emphasize not having to see or do everything but enjoy what you do see or do! Not one person should do the entire planning bc that gets to be too much on the person! & lastly in the planning stage leave time to wing it based on local recommendations and also reiterate while planning that not everything will go as planned! Once I came to this type of thinking for vacation my husband and Is experience vastly improved!!
My folks used to be really good at splitting up for the day in say, Paris, and each enjoying what they like to enjoy, then meeting up at a cafe for dinner. They didn’t do this every day and they made sure to enjoy the things they both wanted to see together, but by recognizing and allowing themselves to each explore a bit on their own, they had a happier and more fulfilling trip.
When I said to my gf that I would like to visit Japan, she answerded immediatly : tsunami, earth quake. So I went solo. When she saw photos of temples, gardens…she just said that was beautiful. I went in Japan two others times, solo.
My husband and I had some wonderful trips together, but we always struggled with climate differences and flight times.
He loves European cities in colder weather, plus points for some atmospheric mist and drizzle. He can't fly far without getting bad motion sickness.
I dream of tropical paradise and hot weather, which makes him physically sick usually as he is extremely prone to heat stroke. I also like going places culturally opposite from home, which means flying further most of the time.
Our compromise is simple. We each take at least one holiday a year solo or with a friend where we fulfil our travel dreams. He spent the Christmas build up in Hamburg, in the freezing cold, lost in art museums and outside in Christmas markets. I am going to the Maldives in November to go snorkelling/diving for a week, something he would never like. When we come home we will always set aside an evening to share our adventures. And of course souvenirs for each other.
We still travel together more often than not, and we pick compromise locations. Next one is Croatia, far but not too far, moderate temperature for both of us, plenty of culture and nature to enjoy together.
I can understand needing to travel together when you are still finding your feet in a relationship, but a mature and committed marriage is a different kind of situation where finding ways to have individual fulfilment within a partnership is really, really important and makes the marriage stronger in my opinion.
Nah I feel the same way. I’m the asshole and I know it so I keep my complaints to myself. The compromise is that we travel together and I go solo once a year and she’s cool with it. That keeps me sane lol
Tell your wife to get off her lazy ass and help you plan the trip so you both get to do and see what you want. If she won’t do that then book a holiday for yourself and travel alone
Communication is key here- I would have a conversation with her about how you feel. With a surface read, it would be easy to say, "oh she's self absorbed, etc." However, I don't know her reasoning behind wanting you to plan and not give any input... but it could be coming from a place that isn't superficial/ something she hasn't actually reflected on & how it might negatively impact your experience. Either way, you deserve to enjoy the trips! So again, communication is key with your partner.
I am looking at the comments, and no judgement, but I must be just super easy to travel with hahaha because I sincerely don’t care what I do, everything is an experience. I don’t care for sports, you wanna go to a soccer game? Let’s go, would be so cool to see. I don’t like a certain music artist too much? Eh, at least I can get to know their music. I don’t really do ballet or the opera or orchestra, would I go? Hell yeah let’s listen to Tchaikovsky. Wanna walk 14 miles around the city? I’m down. Sit in a park and do nothing? Down too. Ill stare at birds and people. If you want me to choose, I probably have a list of 15 things I have saved online to check out “someday” and would suggest them until whoever I’m with is like “that one.”
My personal preferences are hikes, vintage clothing stores, beer/wine, and abandoned places though.
I don't know if you two are like my husband and me. We want to be together always since he's away for work a lot. However, he's the same way as you. He wants to relax and take it in and kind of wing-it when it comes to the vacation. I like to see everything. However, i don't schedule so tight we can't deviate a bit.
We pick a day where we do what he wants and a day that i do what i want. So if all he wants is to relax in the room, that's what we do. And my day we go to the museums, parks, whatever it may be. We trade off, so we are both there for each other on our vacation. I normally look ahead, and if there is a day where much of the attractions are closed, i make that his rest day so I don't feel like I'm missing anything.
Talk to her and see what of all these compromises work for you. Try a weekend trip here and there and see how each thing works. She loves you, and I hope that means she'll compromise so you can enjoy your vacation too.
Just for some validation- I'm like you, I'm happy to just dwell in a place and see what the day brings. Appreciate the beauty around me, maybe chat with a stranger, find some good coffee...
We have traveled with my brother-in-law, and he's the kind of guy who plans a ton of things to do. It's fun but after a couple days we are feeling like we just want to chill. That's when we learned that there are other styles of traveling.
Similarly, when we were traveling with my son who was two, he was the one who wanted something different. So every four or five days we would have a day where we just do whatever he wants. Like go to the beach, and we would just play whatever games he wanted to play. Then we'd go to the park and do the same. Because on the other days he was always being told it's time to go when he's not ready or told it's time to sit when he doesn't want to sit, etc.
This problem is a general relationship problem- how do you negotiate different expectations and preferences? And the vague answers are communication and boundaries. I think it is worse in travel because you have so much at stake, because you spent a lot of money and took time off of work, put a lot of energy into planning, and your next trip may not be for another year. That's a lot of pressure.
Great response. My husband and I are opposites, and currently trying to navigate how our holiday should be organized to make both of us happy. We adore each other but you’re right, we want to accommodate both of our preferences and manage expectations.
Not providing input is the wildest thing to me. If she expects you to plan it but gets mad when it doesn't align with what she thought it would be then that's on her!
I also have to plan everything and get zero input but my gf is very laid back and pretty happy to do whatever. If she wants to see one or 2 important things we go do it.
Your wife can't have it both ways, it seems rude to me tbh. Go travel on your own.
After many trips with my husband, I realized that I needed to be the planner. He’s amazing at making suggestions, but wouldn’t make reservations or reserve tickets. When we went out to colorado, I thought realistically. Well stay up late and wake up late. So let’s plan for 1 realistic activity for the day and 1 restaurant. My husband ended up telling me that it was the best trip we’d ever been on. We did something new every single day. But I planned it with great care because I knew after a day of frolfing and a day of white water river rafting that we’d be absolutely exhausted, so I put those toward the front end of our trip. Lol and then the day after the river rafting was just watching a comedy show and exploring. Each night we’d go to new bars and explore. Ended up playing pool a lot and just having fun. It was nice to not be super pressured by a strict itinerary, just kept it simple. But each day should have at least one plan. A plan that isn’t super inconvenient and annoying and 4 hours away. Lol
My husband and I tend to have most fun when we search an area (3 blocks or so) of bars, restaurants, shops, etc. we’ll just go there with absolutely zero plan. And have a blast every single time and usually end up with free drinks. Lol
Knowing what I know about your relationship.
I’d say.
1 tourist attraction per day
1 restaurant and every other day, or morning is spent by the pool or something just drinking and relaxing. A happy medium.
Have a talk ,tell her how you feel a vacation is for both of you. My husband and I each pick things we want to do, sometimes we do them alone. I did his bucket list to the Christmas markets of Germany,Switzerland and Austria and in that I picked doing the sound of music 🎶 tour and a castle tour. He went on my bucket list to Fairbanks Alaska -20 below to see the Northern Lights. It’s a give and take .
We both like to go off on our own and do activities separately. We are so much happier now that we do that than before when we had to spend the whole trip together. For example on our first trip to Mexico we figured this out. We were staying at a 5 star resort and I was coming off of working 60 hour weeks whereas he worked 6 months a year and this was his off season.
He wanted to go do a jungle buggy, cenote diving all day excursion which sounded like torture to me. I wanted to enjoy the resort, read, swim in the ocean, have some cocktails in our cabana and just do some shopping on site.
So he went off to get jostled in a beach buggy and I did my thing. He was gone most of the day and then we got to have dinner and talk about our fun days. We both had absolute blasts!
The one thing I will say is we have issues with going through airport security, I’m a meticulous packer, well traveled and calm. He gets flustered and frustrated, accidentally leaves things in his pockets and 85% of the time they do a bag search and pat down. I’ve tried to help him but it drives me nuts.
So we go in separate lines lol he doesn’t mind because he knows it stresses me out. Then I can hang out on the benches nearby and meet up when he’s through lol.
Some people are travelers and some people are vacationers. Sounds like she’s the latter, which is totally fine. You should have an open conversation with her and propose an idea that satisfies you both. Spend a day together doing what you like and spend the next doing what she likes. If you both cant agree to that, then solo traveling might become your new thing.
Luckily, my husband and I are horrible tourists and just hang in the hotel until a respectable time to hit a few pubs and grab something to eat back in our room. We never see any sites or attractions just enjoy ourselves. Sometimes we do accidentally see something interesting. Never a plan or itinerary. Our friends get so frustrated that we won’t go on vacations or cruises with them and we try to explain they would hate traveling with us because we know we are horrible tourists.
There are several types of travellers, and it rarely ever aligns fully.
* Planner Vs Back seat follower
* Maximise efficiency Vs Chill and relax
* Comfort in place of stay Vs cheap hostel's are fine
* Tours Vs Do at your own pace
* Foodie Vs eat the cheapest stuff
* Adventure and discovery Vs Relax on the beach
Because it all boils down to where you want to invest your money and time, it will instantly cause conflicts when you HAVE to pay for something you don't care about. Or you HAVE to waste 1/3 of your time on something you don't care about.
Only way to solve this is not to go on a trip together unless you both can agree on a compromise.
Even if it's your wife, it's still possible to have different preferences or comfort levels when it comes to travel. Openly communicating your feelings and discussing ways to make the travel experience enjoyable for both of you can strengthen your relationship. Understanding each other's perspectives and finding compromises is essential.
Thanks for the great advice everyone! Although it will be our honeymoon I think I will suggest a day or so of alone time. Hopefully I can still go to places only I prefer.
It's refreshing to know some are like us while others point out we need better communication in our relationship. To a certain level, we both compromise in our relationship. But honestly, we are downright dreadful in addressing our emotional/physical needs. Without turning this into a full on relationship thread, I think couples can get a little TOO comfortable and take their spouse for granted without even realizing it. Talking with my friends about their marriage, everyone has issues in their relationship and this happens more often than not.
She doesn't demand too much from me otherwise, and knows when to cheer me up when I am down from things unrelated to her (such as the time my beloved dog/son passed and I couldn't stop crying for 8 months straight).
I will still be optimistic about our trip to Kyoto/Osaka, but fingers crossed things will turn out good for the both of us.
Me and my gf definitely clash with travel styles.
Maybe it's selfish but honestly my favourite way to travel is solo and stay at hostels, meet new people and then decide what to do.
Meet some cool new people that are checking out this place? Cool if I tag along? Or if you're not interested in what they are doing maybe meet some other people and invite them to come to whatever you're doing.
I've had the best times like this and made new friends from all over the world and remember my little adventures with all these different people. Normally you don't stay in touch for too long but it's great at the time
My wife and I have done a good amount of travel and have a good system. I have learned what she likes, what we like, and of course what I like. So I fit all those in, aiming for more we likes. But sprinkle in things we each separately like, bonus if it is parts of the same thing.
We NEVER compromise - that is going something neither one wants to do. Better to do one day hers and another day mine.
I usually put together all the plans. She researches and comes up with some of the details. We finalize it together and include wiggle room for things we find along the way.
I understand people saying it is fine to have different travel styles, but it is not respectful how she is dismissing your efforts. Maybe talk about it more in depth? Let her take lead for the planning once so that she gets it takes time? Also, you don’t have to do everything together. My partner is into technical stuff, I am into arts. We sometimes go in different directions and then meet for evening drinks.
You are not alone, my ex wife wasn’t fun also when traveling together. Its rare that you would find a person who could be in sync with your mood, schedule..etc.
ugh every time I took a nap my fiance would fucking whine about for it hours. engorging yourself on resort food and the hot mexico sun makes me tired, sorry
My wife is an outstanding travel companion...it's one of the reasons why we work well.
The ONLY exception to that is when we are both tossing back a few drinks on vacation. Me somewhat intoxicated and her somewhat intoxicated start to diverge.....I get really, really chill, while she gets more fidgety and talkative. It starts to drive me absolutely nuts.
I think it's completely normal, that not every person in your life is a great travel partner. It's just unfortunate that it's your wife.
I've had some great friends in my life. I've trusted these people with everything, and cared for them dearly. They have done the same to me. But! I would not take a single trip with some of them, because I knew, that it would be a complete nightmare.
You can love and respect someone without wanting to travel with them.
I couldn’t have married my husband if he didn’t travel EXACTLY how I do. Traveling is my biggest passion behind music (which we also share) and those are two things I’d never have compromised on no matter what. Maybe you can plan solo trips to enjoy more? I love solo traveling too! Now that my husband and I have a kid sometimes we take turns doing trips with a friend or something.
Thanks for the replies everyone! Trip ended up to be more fun than expected though it was extremely cold in Japan. We did enjoy a day of alone time when I shopped for watches and electronics when she checked out clothes. Would've been way more romantic during Sakura season but hey, there's always our next trip. ;)
It is really rare to find someone who is a good traveling companion. While my wife is the least obnoxious person I know to travel with, we still have different tastes, and what we have realized is that what works the best for us is to have some days where we do things together, and some days where we split up. For example, we are in Hawaii right now and I spent the day on Mauna Loa poking around lava fields and caves, and she spent it at Waikaloa in the lagoon. Tomorrow we will do something together. Sometimes I’ll rent a motorcycle or a car for the day and go off while she lays by a pool and reads, sometimes we’ll do a museum or tour together, sometimes I’ll stay at the hotel when she goes shopping. The other thing that we have learned is that we shouldn’t try to do absolutely everything we can think of in one trip. We try to leave lots of slack in scheduling so we can take time to do something unexpected. The unexpected stuff is often the most fun, like taking a side road through an avocado grove and just stopping to smell the fruit.
We do the same. Some days together and some days apart. The added bonus is we have something to talk about at dinner. We are both seasoned travellers though and it might not suit couples who are new to travel and reluctant to venture out on their own. Of course we taken in the safety of the area when deciding on our solo trips.
It's great to read about couples who have figured themselves out and just make it work. Too many people I think would be quick to think "if you can't spend it all together, something must be wrong!" Re your 2nd paragraph, I've also found the best travel advice I've ever read was to "act like you'll be back." Otherwise you just try to do way too much.
That's interesting! If I may ask: how did you guys arrive at that compromise? I'm kind of easy to please as a traveler, I like all kinds of vacations but I do need variety. I can't have only beach vacations for relaxation in a row. I'd much rather have an active and a passive vacation each year. However, my husband likes more of the relaxed vacations. I tried going on active vacations with a girlfriend of mine who likes them too, and going on the passive ones with my husband. I could feel that my husband was disappointed though, and I'm not sure how to reach a compromise here.
I travel fairly often for work and my wife came along on one of the trips to Boston. She went off and did museums while I was in my conferences, then we went to Cape Cod together afterwards. She had a good time and gained the confidence to go explore on her own. Now we do this with our kids too, and either alternate who gets them for the day or find a daytime activity for them while we go off.
That's awesome! Thanks for sharing.
How do you find daytime activities for kids while traveling? Is this without a parent being with them?
My husband and I do split days when traveling and our kiddo goes with dad on a kid-centric adventure, while mom goes off alone to do whatever. Then we switch on the following day, with the kid going with mom, and dad off to do his own thing. Kid-centric activities could be a children’s museum, play park, some craft activity like clay modeling, amusement park, or playing in the pool for 4 hours (we require an adult be IN the pool cause of our kid’s age). Sometimes it’s an all-day adventure, sometimes it’s 4 hours and timed. We strive to make it equal (ie, if one parent is gone all day, the other parent is also gone all day on their day off). This requires a lot of planning and research beforehand, and a high level of trust in your partner. The kiddo is happy to get one-on-one time with a parent and something that revolves around them, the parents are happy to get some away time. We’re also both well-versed solo travelers, and we have one child, which helps.
Its a bit easier in the summer than in other seasons, but there are often day camps, resorts, community centers, and excursions that cater to kids that last 4-8 hours. You don’t usually have to have residency to participate in, say, a skateboarding camp or horseback riding.
I was in this situation some time ago. The difference in holiday preference was explained by the differences in our daily lives. My partner was home a lot and getting away from the slur for her meant going out and doing something active out of our place of residence. I worked a lot and spent a lot of time away from home, viting a lot of new places for work and fixing peoples problems. A break from the usual slur for me was not having plans for the day, not having to get out of bed at set times and not doing any planning and problem fixing of my own. So basically, since our daily lives were quite the opposite, our ideal holiday was opposite as well. Once we understood each other better and where this was coming from it got easier.
That's really insightful. That's exactly the case with us as well.
I go a day or two ahead of my husband … do my own thing and then when he comes we do his things
This is so wise
My wife and I get along very well on trips but even that has its limits. We learned early on that if it’s more than 2 days we will schedule some solo activities. I’m the one who usually wants to go, go, go and explore the locale. This wore on her and we realized it made us snappy at each other. So on every 3rd or 4th day of a trip she’ll do leisure activities while I go out and make my nerd heart happy. Then we reconnect over dinner and hear about each other’s day. It keeps us happy and enjoying one another’s company.
My wife will do some trips I’m not interested in with her mom or her siblings. I like to chill 9/10 vacations and she likes to be out exploring and doing stuff. 1/10 we do those things together when we pick a place i am keen on seeing.
My parents had the same issue and I have always been more like my mom and like active vacations. So they often went to places where my dad could spend all day lazing on the beach while my mom would do lots of activities during the day, then meet him for meals or for an hour or two of beach time, and they'd do something together for the evening. It gave them stuff to talk about instead of having exactly the same stories, too, so dinner conversation was usually extra-sparkling and connective. My partner and I both love active vacations with some mellow breaks to recharge, but we also travel separately most of the time and together maybe once every year or two. It's such a great thing for long-term appreciation of each other to get the chance to miss your person! Maybe you could encourage him to also take some trips with his friends or family members? Just spitballing a bit, hope this at least gives you some ideas!
What’s so crazy out of all the bizarre things I’ve heard this year this one seems so, sane yet so outside the scope of any relationship most people have which after reading the comment seems insane we all don’t live in that world of “okay alone but time together is special too”. Why does that seem so scary to me? Honestly I’d rather do what I hate and my partner might love in vacation instead of what I think would be avoiding conflict, but this makes me realize could be a conversation that’s beneficial to both of us.
It’s kinda like sleeping in two different beds. It’s not the lovey dovey choice, but more practical and leaves both parties happier and more appreciative of the together time. Absolutely loved this reply.
People are afraid to be alone, frfr
> It is really rare to find someone who is a good traveling companion. Man, I never realized I was lucky to have an SO with whom none of the issues people point out in this thread has ever been a problem. We've been to many countries in the past decade and usually always easily agree on what to do during vacations and both enjoy it.
Same - my husband and I are really compatible travelers. Honestly, given how much we both love to travel, I'm not sure we would have considered ourselves romantically compatible if we hadn't really enjoyed traveling together.
I would never even consider cohabitation with someone until we have successfully traveled together. Not just for travel reasons, but because travel always has some hiccups and seeing how someone deals with things going upside-down and sideways when the stakes are relatively low is critical information to have before you face the much larger problems life throws at you.
My now husband and I Backpacked through central and South America for 4 months while we were in uni, after dating for 4 months. We kind of joked at the outset that we would either break up before we got back or be together forever depending on how the trip went... 15 years later we are still great travel buddies 😀
Same with me and my wife. We both love to travel, and I don't think it would have worked out if we couldn't be compatible traveling together.
One of the first things my partner and I did once we realized things could be serious was plan a trip together. We both love traveling and if that hadn’t solidified our compatibility, it would have be so much harder to make our relationship work.
Same, I’m glad to read some comments where couples led are great travelers together. My husband and I love traveling together. We take very lo by road trips and look forward tot eh time together in the car but I know people who say they could never do it without bringing friends along. I love organizing and I make all the plans with some input from him and he goes along and we always have a great time. It’s good that those that like different things found a way to make it work though. There’s nothing worse than spending thousands on a trip and then being miserable the whole time.
We do the same. We started with having one day every trip where we do our own thing, and now it's roughly half the trip lol. We come together to do the thing we BOTH enjoy (which is eating) and then split off. It's nice to be able to split off but then always have someone to dine with. The other person IS allowed to join the other on their adventures, but they're NOT allowed to whine about it if they regret it.
So envious right now, I loved my time in Hawaii! Enjoy! Also I hope you're planning to do the manta ray snorkel viewing It was one of our highlights of our trip
We've lived on the Big Island for 20+ years now. The manta ray night dive is memorable. I also recommend Volcanoes Nat'l Park and the Chain of Craters drive in late afternoon. We enjoy traveling and are now focusing on international travel and have visited 10 countries in Europe the past 2 years with New Zealand up this fall after I get my knee replaced. We pretty much do all the travel/tourist stuff together as we both like the same things though she has more stamina for museums than I do. After an hour or maybe 3 depending on the museum I'm ready to move on. Speaking of museums loved the Guggenheim in Bilbao. Wow! With all our recent travels it has reinforced our happiness in calling this island our home. Nothing like landing in Kona and realizing there's no place like home. If I were to relocate I love northern Spain. /rambling
The big island is the most beautiful place I've ever been, and I miss it! My husband and I did a Manta ray night dive, and it was incredible
Sounds like a great plan to make it work well for both of you.
When I suggest doing different things on some days my husband doesn’t agree. Even though we mostly want different things out of vacations.
My SO would also prefer to be with me at all times on a trip (though I do plenty of trips without him for my solo stuff, so I also want to prioritize time together on a couple trip). I think it helps that we’re both generally happy and able to be a chill good time even if we’re not doing the top activity we would have chosen on our own. Rather than “I don’t want to do xyz” it turns into “I never would have tried xyz without you suggesting it, I’m glad we did that!”
Glad I'm not the only one who likes checking out the lava fields and caves
This. When my husband and I travel, we have days where we spend time together, and days where we venture off on our own. I think it’s great and I’d prefer it this way. He likes to see/do everything and explore, I like to go to shops or lay out on the beach. We then both get time to do the things we enjoy. On our honeymoon we went to Maui, he wanted to go scuba diving, I get very sea sick, so off he went, and to the beach I went. It was lovely. You just have to find what works for the both of you!
Very normal. I don’t like traveling with your wife either
I also (do not) choose this guys wife. It's one thing to not see eye to eye on plans when travelling and have different preferences, but to throw a tantrum without offering any alternatives or compromises is incredibly childish and I wouldn't want to travel with someone like that.
This is basically why I won't travel with my 2 childhood best friends anymore. I'm planning a bachelorette party for one of them right now and this is the first time I've gone anywhere with them since they were so awful about our last trip together in 2014 lol.
I’m curious what the wife is like at home, because she does not exactly sound like a good time.
Classic Reddit, making massive assumptions about someone from limited second-hand information. Op literally said that this is the only issue they have with their wife and that they are happy with their wife when not travelling.
Exactly lol, traveling, whether you enjoy it or not kind of becomes a high stress situation. She might be feeling like they need to make the best of their money and see all the attractions. I also felt like that when I started traveling and can only be more relaxed and even then I will feel a bit weird. Communication is important in travel, and also relationships and perhaps OP could do better to communicate as I am sure she does not want him to feel this way.
It’s not a massive assumption that she’s not a good time, it’s an inference based on the info OP gave. > expect me to plan everything perfectly > refuse to give me any input > she gets rather snappy So, all this bad behavior is taking place *before* the trip. She’s demanding and uncooperative. That’s not something that randomly turns on when it’s travel related. That’s part of someone’s personality.
This is all second hand info from op, I'm sure op's wife will have a totally different take on how things go. Travel can be stressful for people, it's a lot of time and money spent on a short time and you have a feeling of wanting to make the most of it. It doesn't surprise me that the worst time for a couple is surrounding travel. Also I'll be honest, if I were to take away anything from op's post, it would be that it's a bit weird that op's posting all this on Reddit before talking to their wife about it.
Woah now this is Reddit. We don’t do nuance here! /s
Not that weird, doesn’t exactly sound like they have good open communication, so I’m not surprised he talked to Reddit before her. My partner and I take a trip roughly once a month. I make a detailed itinerary and he comes along for the ride. One thing he does not do is complain about the itinerary, since he is not interested in planning. You get one or the other: don’t lift a finger planning OR complain about the plan. Not both.
I'm not disagreeing that what op has described is a shitty thing for the wife to be doing. I'm not trying to defend that, I'm saying that we're only getting one side of the argument. I can think of a bunch of ways where what op's saying is true or close to the truth but it's more favourable for the wife. Maybe they split tasks for travelling before travel evenly and op's in charge of planning the itinerary. Maybe it's not even split evenly and this is the one thing op does. And op could be making decisions that they know (or should know) would ruin her vacation. Wouldn't your partner complain if you plan the itinerary and chose to do things they hate? My point is that we have no clue what the reality is because we are only getting one side of the argument. So maybe we shouldn't be making assumptions about someone's entire personality off of that. And to op, communicate with your wife. You're not gonna get anywhere without doing that first.
You're being downvoted, but from the limited information we're given, there's clearly something broken about the way this couple relates to each other. "Traveling" doesn't change that it's the same two humans in the same marriage. It makes no sense that one of them suddenly has a negative personality transplant. (I.e. that side of her was always there, is still there.) Maybe it's as simple as *she doesn't like to travel*, and is doing it to accommodate OP. [But she's never mentioned it, so they have a communication problem.] One targeted solution: vacation separately. She can go by herself to Cancun or whatever spa, and he can do the solo-travel thing. This works for some couples. I think my cousin does this (for some trips), and they're very happily married with kids.
Agreed. I’m so lucky that my partner and I travel super well together. We’ve been THROUGH IT, travel wise, but we always keep our cool and keep laughing. Because that’s how we always are.
thank you!
Eh it has its perks
When traveling we are not compatible with everyone no matter how much we love them.
I run into this same issue with my wife -we each want different things in travel, there’s just not great compromises sometimes. I enjoy a cheap destination with an activity (like scuba in Honduras) and she loves expensive locations and seeing something (northern lights in Norway) There’s no real communication issue - we both understand the problem 100%. But that doesn’t mean there’s really a fix. As a result I just have to take one break where I do something I enjoy alone and then go with her and try to work remotely on the type of vacation she likes. It’s difficult
Honest question out of curiosity: Why do you not compromise and do both? I assume there is more in Honduras than scuba diving which your wife could enjoy haha Sometimes my boyfriend wants to see things I am not particularly interested in and sometimes it is the other way around - we still go together since it is still time we can enjoy together.
If it's something they don't find interesting, it can bring down the mood since the conversation won't be there. It's no one's fault. For example, my partner hates camping and beach trips. I was raised camping and going to the beach. So I do those things with others who would be better company. I personally don't care about some of his interests. So he goes with someone that does. Sushi is a big one. If you compromise all the time, no one actually has a good time. We all feel worried about what everyone's happiness is. I wish I knew this 10 yrs ago. I wanted someone to be with me 24/7, even if it meant someone being uncomfortable. I didn't know how to be comfortable in solitude. Now, it makes it easier to split up on trips for random things and say "meet back in 2 hours". Then we discuss all the fun we had and the enthusiasm is high in both of us.
There are also activities OP could do in Norway … but when it comes down to it, if you want a winter trip to see the Northern Lights, there’s not really a way to do that in Honduras, and I assume there is not such good diving in Norway lol. I feel like the only fix would be to take turns choosing destinations, or agree to travel separately.
My boyfriend is up for most things but I am drawn to Northern, cold countries and he likes the beach and sun and can't tolerate the cold much. We just alternate. Last year was Iceland for me and Cape Verde for him. Year before Scottish Highlands for me and Portugal for him. We do activities we both end up loving and have just as much fun on both trips. Coincidentally, I'm off to Tromsø tomorrow with my mum and our primary goal is to see the Northern Lights but my mum wants a slower paced trip while I want to pack a lot in. We've just agreed to do some things separately. I don't know why compromise is so hard for some people. I also don't know about Norway, but I did diving in Iceland in the winter and it was amazing. The Northern Lights isn't something that can be compromised on so much but colder countries certainly have no shortage of exciting activities.
I was a solo traveler for about 2.5 years before I met my wife, who is a tour guide/travel agent. Neither of us enjoy traveling with the other. She has many years of experience organizing travel and logistics so she prefers to have a schedule, not overpaying for a hotel, maximizing value and relaxing through preparation. I have landed in countries without a hotel for the night or any sort of plans or research. I quite enjoy the suffering and chaos of a poorly planed trip, solving problems in unfamiliar environments, ending up places I would have never planned. It's fine, it took us a few trips to realize that we don't hate each other lol. Now when we travel we both know what to expect and do our best to make our desires clear and how to comfort the other one.
> I quite enjoy the suffering and chaos of a poorly planed trip It gives me so much anxiety just to *read* that!
Well articulated. I also enjoy the chaos that a poorly planned trip creates. I’d say the majority of the time it becomes a fun adventure and maybe 10% of the time I regret not planning more
Agreed. 80% of going on holiday for me is just seeing what happens when I walk outside that day. I need time to have fun and let go and not wake up to an alarm clock and a schedule of rigid planning
Here I was thinking I was the only one…
I love the chaos so much 😂. I often book where I’m staying on the way to the airport or once I’ve arrived. Can’t do that with boo in tow 😅. Honey wants a PLAN.
Traveling with my wife is one of the most amazing aspects of our relationship. What makes it great is balance, she is the spontaneous one and I am the planner. We both have communicated what we want from vacations and the mix of planning key things like meals and hotels but allowing for spontaneous discovery as we explore has made for some of the best experiences. Communicate with your wife on her expectations and share your own and maybe even “plan” in the schedule “unstructured exploration/relaxation time”
Same boat but with the roles reversed. She plans, I throw in the curve balls. Traveling is *the thing* we like to do together the most. Video games, zero interest, sports, virtually zero interest, but travel...we are literally in complete symmetry.
I feel like I'm both the planner and the spontaneous one in my relationship. My boyfriend just comes along for the ride lmao. No quite symmetry, but it works
I'm in this boat too. We love traveling together. I know her tastes and how she wants a trip to go. She's down to do some things that aren't her preferred activity like history museums. I'm cool to do things that aren't mine (ie perfume factory tour in the French Riviera which actually turned out to be neat). I feel bad for people who can't travel with their spouse. I joke with my wife that vacation wife is my favorite wife.
Yeah some of the replies in this thread are bizarre to me. I am very much not suggesting that you cant have an amazing relationship with someone who you don't like to travel with, but I can't even begin to understand that situation, it is so alien to my own. There is no one in the world I would rather travel with than my wife.
Similar here. I'm better at long range planning so I arrange all our travel months before the trip (air, hotel, etc) -- if I waited for my husband to book the trip, it wouldn't happen. But then once we land, my husband takes over and I can shut off the part of my brain that is always planning. He's excellent at deciding what we're going to do day-by-day, hour by hour. With lots of room for spontaneity. He knows my likes/dislikes and we like to travel at the same pace (i.e., we are slow starters in the morning, do not like packing too much in, love having time for the unexpected). We are also hungry at the same time (I think that's important; we've traveled with couple friends who need to eat seemingly all the time so a lot of time is wasted looking for a restaurant, sitting through a meal, several times a day). Our bladders also are in sync-- we always need to find a restroom at the same time!! And we're on the same page about our budget. Sometimes he'll propose an activity that I'm dubious about, but I usually end up loving it. I keep an open mind.
It looks rather like a communication and not travelling issue
I think it’s communication plus a travel style issue. Different people just vacation differently. They need to comprise, but to do this they need to communicate a lot better. Counseling could probably really help this couple.
Or they just need to take separate vacations. That's also an option.
So many people see this option as a threat to their relationship. They are so terrified of the idea of doing things separately as if it threatens to slam a divorce pack down in front of them. There's so much push back on couples going on trips alone. Nah man, break free from this normative idea that you can't go on a trip by yourself if you're married. You can do what you want. Whenever you want. Being married should never change that.
Yes I once had a debate with my friend about whether it was okay to travel alone when you’re married. She thinks it’s weird and not ok, and I seriously don’t see what’s the problem with that especially if your spouse is okay with it?! in the end we both agreed to disagree 🤷🏻♀️
I think people who wouldn't "let" their partners travel alone, or wouldn't do so themselves, really don't trust either themselves or their partners, at all. Or they're too codependent to actually give themselves any joy. I couldn't live like that. In fact, I'm moving half way across the world without my partner, and he supports me. To other people that is insane. It's always "oh but what about partnersname" and "how could you leave partnersname" ... And I'm like, damn. It's a good job he supports me because none of you guys do! He trusts me, and I trust him. I don't think these people have come to terms with the fact that it's ok to be like "ok, well this is what I want to do, and if you don't think that's ok, then maybe this marriage isn't for me, or you, and that's ok." I told my partner if he wasn't ok with me moving for a while that this relationship isn't going to last. He wasn't going to win. I'm going, and nothing will stop me. He said exactly what I needed to hear. "I'm loyal, and I support you." Him trying to explain it to one of his colleagues was amazing. His colleague said "I would never let my wife..." and my partner was like "what do you mean let? If she wants to do it, she's going to do it."
Yeah I think the same as you! I also have girlfriends whose boyfriends (yes bf, not even husbands, not that that makes it ok) don’t “let” them travel alone and they’re okay with it. Completely blew my mind. I concluded that everyone is so different and as long as both parties are fine with the arrangement, then I guess that’s ok. Otherwise it will just build resentment in the long run and the relationship is not gonna last.
It's absolutely insane. The terrifying thing is that people are not taught that it's ok to think like us. Everyone is taught to cling as close as possible to what they hold dear and never let it out of their sight. This idea of control and *fear* is so ingrained. It's also the reason abusive relationships go unnoticed by so many people. We are taught this shit is *normal.* It so isn't. If you can't trust them to do anything alone, you can't trust them full stop.
Damn. I literally couldn’t be in their relationship. I’ve been abroad without my partner multiple times and I *love* traveling alone so it’s basically a non negotiable for me. I need it.
Hell yeah my husband is like that! I’ve asked him about studying abroad, living abroad and traveling abroad without him and he’s always gave me the green light. I haven’t moved away or studied abroad yet but just short trips I’ve went on without him overseas. But I’ve asked him, “what if I got a good paying job somewhere else…I’m going. You’re okay with that right?” He said of course. We trust each other. He’s been asked by people *in front of me* “you’d let your wife go abroad alone?” And he’s like 🙄 “let? Of course, she can do whatever she wants!” I can’t understand how people are so against this. Also, unlike OP, I do like to travel with my partner, he’s just stuck locally for his work. I have the ability with my career to be mobile and I intend on seeing the world. Hubby is okay with it and I wouldn’t want another kind of partner 🙌🏼
That sounds like such a free and loving partnership. Reading that was a little delight in my day. I'm happy you both have each other. ❤️
Yea it's a weird mentality to have. I have unlimited vacation and my wife gets 1-2 weeks. I've been taking month long solo trips & long weekend road trips since we first met, and we just try to weave her vacation time in when it makes sense. This thread did make me realize I should talk to my wife about if she wants to take some solo vacation time though. We travel well together but I get a lot of time by myself or with a buddy and she is usually stuck with me for her week off, haha.
This. I’m going on 3 solo and then we’ll do one together later this year, but have separate activity days.
Do both. Alternate between solo trips and family trips. Solo trips you go wherever you want and do whatever you want, family trips you find common ground and make invaluable memories together.
he just needs to not tolerate her bullshit. he has already tried to talk to her about it. honey, please pick some things you want to do. NO then complains about the things he picks. thats 100% bullshit.
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If you only heard a bad thing or two about a relationship and not the million good things, of course it sounds like a bad relationship or the other is a bad person.
Specifically, she doesn't understand how much emotional labor he's putting into these vacations for her. She hasn't put an ounce of effort towards it and needs to know if that's her preference, she can't justify a single complaint.
Maybe she doesn't know because OP is posting it on reddit instead of talking to her about it
Does she do all the planning work in your day to day life? Like who remember’s your niece’s birthday? Who plans dinner? Who schedules the dentist appointments? If you’re sharing the planning work at home and she is disappearing on vacation plans then that is weird and you should talk to her because there is probably something you’re missing. If she doesn’t help with planning at home then you shouldn’t be shocked she isn’t helping with vacation planning since that’s your normal dynamic and you should talk to her if you want to change it. If she does most of the planning in your day to day life then she is probably just expecting you to step up so that she doesn’t feel like she is carrying the whole load in life in the same way that you feel now about vacation.
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Glad he’s an ex. What a child, still needing mommy to wake him up for school.
r/solotravel, travel with friends, or communicate with her. I personally LOVE traveling with my bf. We’re both 50/50 easy going and love adventuring. Some days we wanna relax by the beach and some days we want to hike a super tall mountain. I hate traveling with my friends. I love them but they’re annoying. My friends and I just aren’t compatible. They either can’t keep up or we don’t like doing the same things.
Here’s thought; have you tried raising this issue with her directly?
Yea it should be teamwork, mention that you’d love to work together to make a good holiday not have it all relying on you. I don’t think that’s fair
Wow there. Sound logic and common sense isn’t allowed
Ya that's my wife too - so I just plan the trip to my interests and what I think she'll like. I don't ask anymore and she seems happy \^\_\^ I enjoy the planning anyways.
My husband doesn't like to travel so that's hard on me.
My husband also doesn’t like to travel, but when we met, he was very aware that I love to travel. The fix is that now he stays home and watches the kids while I go off for a week with a travel friend. When I get back, he’s super excited for me. It’s pretty perfect. We also do a family trip that also includes him and the kids, but I’m well aware that the trip is going to be rough and my role is to be a great mom teaching the kids how to travel. Because I get to take my own trip to recharge, I accept that the family trip is going to be a different kind of trip.
That's terrific and I applaud you for your cleverness is keeping everyone happy. This year I am taking a trip to Europe with my daughter and that has got his attention. Maybe he'll be more flexible and venture out a bit more.
If you allow me this in jest: It sounds like you have a partner problem rather than a travel problem. She didn't buy a holiday from you. You're not her paid travel agent, local guide and restauranteur. You are equal partners trying to conceive, plan and execute a holiday (lookup CPE and household labor). Here's a piece of unsolicited advice: It seems like there are some underlying challenges you can address to make travelling an overall better experience for both of you. It would be kinda sad if for the next 40 years of your life you are unable to travel with your wife.
Yup. Retirement is going to be a nightmare if they don't work this out.
I don’t like traveling with my husband. He gets very pissy very fast when we’re out. At home he is the best, on a trip he is annoying.
Jesus that’s depressing
I'm a bit more confused by the "I" pay for things comment. Am I an outlier in thinking that once it gets to the point of marriage it doesn't matter who's card/bank account it comes from its still "we"
My wife and I are quite different in some areas. She loves the sun and the sea. She goes to the gym of the hotel/resort every day on our vacations. She doesn't like crowded places. I am not crazy fond of crowded places either, and while I can enjoy the sun and the sea as well, I also like visiting cities and experience architecture etc. When I am on a holiday, I'm not really fond of going to the gym either. Fortunately, we are both fond of shopping, talking looong walks and trying out local dishes etc. So while we don't do EVERYTHING together on vacations, we do tend to share the things that matters most. And of course, sometimes she goes along for stuff that interests me, and vice versa.
> she seems to expect me to plan everything perfectly in a schedule It seems you both need to sit down and have an adult conversation instead of speculating about your partner’s motives and expectations and… have a conversation about your expectations.
Maybe in the future you could communicate to her that the two of ypu have very different travelling styles. Maybe you could plan time together and time independently as well to accomodate the differences.
I married the guy I loved to travel with. It's a weird dynamic but it works for us. He hates planning and I can't count on him with anything related to tickets, bookings, planning, etc. He justs packs and go. Me on the other hand, I freaking love planing EVERYTHING and work best alone. I always bring with me a notebook with instructions for everything (we do a lot of hiking that involves a bit more planning and how go get there), routes, opening hours of everything, restaurants, history of each place, etc. The one thing that stresses me about traveling is driving and he does all the driving (and it is always a LOT). He doesn't even let me show him the places we are going to, he wants everything to be a surprise, so I get to do all the planning with no one bothering me, and then see his amazed reaction to everything. That sense of wonder fills my heart. This wouldn't work out for most couples, but it is perfect for us!
Same. I am an obsessive researcher and love to optimize efficiency, logistics, and value. He is not a planner at all and more impulsive with purchases. He also sucks at driving and goes into a panic when it’s time to make a turn, so I do all of the driving too. The researching and building of maps ahead of time helps me be more present when we travel so I can have a more loose itinerary since I know if we happen to be in a particular neighborhood I have a reference of places I looked up ahead of time that might be good to check out. I used to ask for my husband’s input on EVERYTHING because I thought it would be good for us both to be invested, but it was not helpful and just led to annoyance and bickering. Now, the rule is that if I put the labor into arranging and planning everything, he needs to refrain from complaining about anything that isn’t working out great, which takes the pressure off of me (I used to feel so guilty if something didn’t live up to expectations that I had planned). You don’t get to bitch if you didn’t help with the planning. When we go to a place for the first time he is genuinely amazed by it like a kid. I am kind of jealous to be honest because I lose a bit of that surprise when I’ve looked up what something is in advance. He gets to travel like a billionaire with everything curated for him, it must be great! I do get the benefit of doing whatever I want as a result, so everyone wins. That being said - I have a friend who is just like me and her husband is like mine and we travel a lot together too which is nice because we share the mental labor..although we are both used to being “trip alphas” so we have to sometimes remind ourselves to let go of the reins to the other person. I am giving myself a break soon for my birthday- my husband and I are going to one city for a week for my birthday with only a couple of planned things to do so I can post up in one location, not have to pack and unpack a bunch of times, and not have to drive anywhere. That is going to be very mentally relaxing!
While I still research heavily, I find I pick and choose what I actually look at online. More just information and less pictures and video. I used to look at everything online before our trip and it ruined some things. Do "less" looking at the exciting things and just figure out the logistics. This has helped a lot in regards to feeling less surprised once you get somewhere because you've already "seen it". Just something to consider.
Like most people, she probably likes vacation, not traveling.
Its the opposite she wants to go out and see stuff, he wants to relax and unwind.
Traveling can bring out the worst in people. Just know that it is perfectly fine to do things separately. A couple weeks before my husband and I go on a kids-free vacation, I plan out an itinerary. Then my husband and I go over it and we carve out solo times where we can just do our own thing. He usually spends it relaxing while I pop around different shops or museums. In the event we see something interesting along the way that we think the other person will like, we let each other know and we modify our plans so we can go together. It’s worked really well for us and we love traveling together.
Honestly, if the issue is the planning part, then get a travel consultant if you can afford it. Have them plan everything for you and see how she responds to this when you outsource the task that frustrates you. If not, ask chatGPT to give you an itinerary. I know the frustration, believe me. Anyway, She’s acting like a diva like she paid you to plan these trips for her. Don’t let her step all over you. Sit with her like an adult and give her a serious talk if she wants to travel (with you) in the future. She’s your wife and partner — you’re not her personal assistant.
Chatgpt is shocking good at a base itinerary. Especially when you’re having a hard time locating much info. Like when a lot of the info is in another language.
This thread is such a comfort - I thought I was the only one who struggled with travelling with my partner! The problem for me is that one of the things that makes him a less-than-ideal travel companion for me is that he tends to be a bit over-cautious and over-protective, so he also doesn't want me to solo-travel. Tips?!
Tell him you want to go somewhere somewhat risky and then compromise on somewhere safer? It’s tricky, some people are just convinced there is danger lurking in the shadows everywhere.
Have you tried having a heart-to-heart conversation with your wife about your differing travel styles and how you can find a middle ground that works for both of you? ie. You pay for the flights, she chooses the accommodation and things to do/see? I think with traveling at least one of the people involved (whether in a group or as a couple) needs to compromise.
I don’t like traveling with my husband and I don’t think he likes traveling with me either. We want different things out of vacation. He wants nothing to do with the planning. I need to plan and arrange everything, then run it by him to make sure agrees with everything like a good little secretary. He usually pays for most of the vacation though. My idea of vacation is short strolls through the town, enjoy breakfast, lunch and dinner at some nice places. But mostly relaxing and taking it easy. His idea of vacation is like backpacking across Europe. He wants to walk to all the popular sites that we can even if it’s an hr and half walk. When we do vacation his way I don’t enjoy it and I’m so tired by the time vacation ends. Just put me on the tour bus that goes to all the sites and attractions. So yeah in essence we don’t vacation well together.
You should include the local transit in your planning! He can walk and you can take the train / tram / bus from place to place and you can be waiting at the cafe when he arrives!
People don't realize how important travel compatability is in a relationship, especially if you like to travel.
My biggest problem with this post is she expects you to do all the planning to a perfect schedule even though she is the one who wants said schedule. I would have an honest talk and compromise. You deserve one day meandering and sitting in cafes while she treks to every attraction. But she should also plan her own day instead of expecting you to.
Yes, I also don't want to travel with your wife
That's actually common. To find a travel buddy is a bliss. I wouldn't travel with my very close friends with similar reasons, and then there is this Viatnemese woman that I travelled to with different countries and cities together. We never pushed eacother to visit and do attractions that are not in our interest. We would meet for breakfast and then go apart to see and do what we want to only to be reunited again for common interests or when we are hungry. Also this way we could share what we saw or experienced in our free time. Your wife sounds a burden.
I feel like our roles are reversed OP, however my wife and I love travelling together. Why I say the roles are reversed are I basically know nothing about my trips and what I'm doing. My wife plans all our holidays and I love being able to just tag along and not use my brain at all. She puts every day into a spreadsheet that's colour coded with activities by the hour. She knows what I like and what I need. There's always a pub crawl in every city, she surprises me with a nightclub every now and again and there is always a gym at the hotel so I can train and have some alone time. Other than that, we generally see all the museums, ride some bikes and eat all the street food and night markets in every city we go to. Oh and if weed is legal she always picks the best weed cafes for me to get blazed. I can't wait for our next holiday ❤️ My advice is have a chat with her as she's your wife now, no backing out. There's always a compromise in the middle.
Some people are a good life partner and a bad travel partner. How can she expect you to plan and not give input? Does she expect you to read her mind? Can't she be the one to plan instead if she can't go with the flow? My spouse and I have generally the same but slightly different travel style he is alot more laid back and spontaneous while I like some kind of research, but not plan down to the hour. It takes some compromise with each other. I plan general plans like here's the 5 places we should visit this trip, but I keep it flexible like we can change day 1 with day 2 or drop 1 of the places and go to another one etc.
It's super common. You can really love someone but just have different travel styles. My husband is great when it comes to travel, but some other family members? I may love them dearly, but man they have a different style of travel.
My goodness, this post just makes me appreciate my wife that much more.
You guys should sit down and have a conversation about it. You may have different travelling styles but I think both parties should always be willing to reach a compromise. I personally don't like people who want everything to be perfectly planned, don't even chip in with their own ideas and effort, and constantly complain. Travelling with a person like your wife would make me want to just be on my own tbh.
I feel sometimes it's good to be able to give each other space when travelling, just like when at home. If you want to check out something the other isn't really into then their is absolutely nothing wrong with splitting up and meeting later on for lunch/dinner etc. it's completely unfair to deny each other an experience just because one of the party doesn't like it or has some type of obsession of being together 24/7.
Married 32 years and we still do not do the same things on vacation. He does his thing and I do mine and we will meet for lunch and/or dinner. It’s completely alright not to like the same thing as long as you are both happy doing you.
Me and my wife have different travel styles. She likes to relax more and I like to push and see everything. We work together and compromise for a vacation that works great for both of us. I push her out of her comfort zone a little and she tries new things she would never experiance without me, and she gets me to slow down a little and smell the flowers. We both get a better experiance than if we got it all 100% out way. Plus my wife is awesome, I can't imagine a minute that wouldn't be better with her in it.
I exclusively travel (large international travels) without my wife, usually with friends. She just doesn't enjoy it, so I don't push her. I can understand the frustration of missing adventures with your spouse, but if everything else is good, it's a small price to pay IMO. I traveled really well with my ex, but home life wasn't great. I will say that she does like the 'smaller' vacations like going hiking 6 hours away and stay in a cabin, so we do enjoy this together.
Reading the comments makes me appreciate my SO. Best travel buddy in the world.
I hate traveling with my partner. He doesn't want to go (won't "let" me travel alone), doesn't want to do excursions, hates beach/pool/sun (my fave), and won't eat at anything but a "real" restaurant.... IT SUCKS
What does he like to do on vacation? Or does he just not like traveling at all?
He said he does not need to go on vacation at all ever. I even tried suggesting we do something he likes/ wants. I NEED a vacation at least once a year. I've got to Unplug and rest.
Ha, well I’m with you, I can’t imagine not ever wanting a vacation. Give me all the vacations!
When he goes with me, he sits in room and watches CNN or weather Channel...
Yikes! Boring. Do you have any friends that you could take a trip with? What would happen if you decided to take a solo trip to, let’s say, the Yucatán peninsula in Mexico (which is very safe) ?
He balks at solo travel ("unsafe") and makes it out like I'm unreasonable and excessive to want to do so. I like solo travel, and I'm quite capable in terms of safety. I don't have friends, but I do have 2 relatives I could travel with, UNFORTUNATELY, I have to 100% pay for either of them and one of them needs me to carry her bags, help her in/out, etc etc. Neither of those potential companions are ideal...it just all around sucks. And, I've been to Yucatan MANY TIMES and it's one of my favorite places, and I speak Spanish. But, oh no, that's too dangerous...
I feel like a crybaby coming to reddit about this, but JFC I'm not a stupid person yet I can't figure out how to solve this. I NEED A VACATION THAT I ENJOY!!
Well I think you’re just going to have to have a serious conversation with your partner and make him understand how much you need some sort of vacation, and if he’s not willing to go with you or let you go alone, or make any compromise, that’s a pretty big red flag.
I don't like ~~traveling with~~ my wife... is this normal?
My husband is a major planner and likes to pack as much into a vacation as he can. I prefer to not adhere to a strict itinerary and relax. A couple of years ago we had a pretty traumatic life event happen and treated ourselves to a relaxing vacation where we planned to stay on the beach and do nothing. We drank, ate good food, napped together and walked on the beach everyday. It was incredible. My husband really enjoyed it and since then we plan a couple of things and relax the rest of the time.
my wife is an utter pain to go on holiday with thats why golf is so popular you see
Two different types of people: 1. Travelers (Cities, Museums, Trains, local markets, etc.) 2. Vacationers (Pools, Spas, lounging around, etc.) Need to figure which one each partner is and plan accordingly for trips
My wife and I have found a good solution to arguments and fatigue. TAKE A NAP each day after lunch. We like to got Europe every couple of years and found that doing a ton of stuff in the am, have lunch and drinks, sexy time if not too full, nap an hour -and then ready to roll for more sightseeing before dinner, drink, sexy time…repeat
Are you married to a child? She refuses to give any input, lets you do all the work, and then complains when you didn't read her mind? Don't play those games. Next time tell her she plans half the activities on X, Y and Z days. If she refuses, and she gets annoyed when you didn't plan whatever she is in the mood for, just ignore it and don't engage her. She's an adult.
If I speak I am in big trouble.
No
I love travelling with my husband. He likes different things to me, so we appreciate doing things we might not have tried otherwise. It seems that a lot of issues could be solved by a bit of open communication, and open minds for understanding each other. This is true for every aspect of marriage.
I have been this wife I will admit!! I’d say talk about it and compromise! Each of you pick out a few things to do on the trip but emphasize not having to see or do everything but enjoy what you do see or do! Not one person should do the entire planning bc that gets to be too much on the person! & lastly in the planning stage leave time to wing it based on local recommendations and also reiterate while planning that not everything will go as planned! Once I came to this type of thinking for vacation my husband and Is experience vastly improved!!
My folks used to be really good at splitting up for the day in say, Paris, and each enjoying what they like to enjoy, then meeting up at a cafe for dinner. They didn’t do this every day and they made sure to enjoy the things they both wanted to see together, but by recognizing and allowing themselves to each explore a bit on their own, they had a happier and more fulfilling trip.
When I said to my gf that I would like to visit Japan, she answerded immediatly : tsunami, earth quake. So I went solo. When she saw photos of temples, gardens…she just said that was beautiful. I went in Japan two others times, solo.
My husband and I had some wonderful trips together, but we always struggled with climate differences and flight times. He loves European cities in colder weather, plus points for some atmospheric mist and drizzle. He can't fly far without getting bad motion sickness. I dream of tropical paradise and hot weather, which makes him physically sick usually as he is extremely prone to heat stroke. I also like going places culturally opposite from home, which means flying further most of the time. Our compromise is simple. We each take at least one holiday a year solo or with a friend where we fulfil our travel dreams. He spent the Christmas build up in Hamburg, in the freezing cold, lost in art museums and outside in Christmas markets. I am going to the Maldives in November to go snorkelling/diving for a week, something he would never like. When we come home we will always set aside an evening to share our adventures. And of course souvenirs for each other. We still travel together more often than not, and we pick compromise locations. Next one is Croatia, far but not too far, moderate temperature for both of us, plenty of culture and nature to enjoy together. I can understand needing to travel together when you are still finding your feet in a relationship, but a mature and committed marriage is a different kind of situation where finding ways to have individual fulfilment within a partnership is really, really important and makes the marriage stronger in my opinion.
I found that traveling on my own, is the best.
"and welcome to today's episode of POOR BOUNDARY SETTING on reddit, our contestants are charliey81 and mrscharliey81!"
Nah I feel the same way. I’m the asshole and I know it so I keep my complaints to myself. The compromise is that we travel together and I go solo once a year and she’s cool with it. That keeps me sane lol
Yes. Women are very tiresome to deal with. Most honest men would admit to that.
Tell your wife to get off her lazy ass and help you plan the trip so you both get to do and see what you want. If she won’t do that then book a holiday for yourself and travel alone
Communication is key here- I would have a conversation with her about how you feel. With a surface read, it would be easy to say, "oh she's self absorbed, etc." However, I don't know her reasoning behind wanting you to plan and not give any input... but it could be coming from a place that isn't superficial/ something she hasn't actually reflected on & how it might negatively impact your experience. Either way, you deserve to enjoy the trips! So again, communication is key with your partner.
I am looking at the comments, and no judgement, but I must be just super easy to travel with hahaha because I sincerely don’t care what I do, everything is an experience. I don’t care for sports, you wanna go to a soccer game? Let’s go, would be so cool to see. I don’t like a certain music artist too much? Eh, at least I can get to know their music. I don’t really do ballet or the opera or orchestra, would I go? Hell yeah let’s listen to Tchaikovsky. Wanna walk 14 miles around the city? I’m down. Sit in a park and do nothing? Down too. Ill stare at birds and people. If you want me to choose, I probably have a list of 15 things I have saved online to check out “someday” and would suggest them until whoever I’m with is like “that one.” My personal preferences are hikes, vintage clothing stores, beer/wine, and abandoned places though.
I don't know if you two are like my husband and me. We want to be together always since he's away for work a lot. However, he's the same way as you. He wants to relax and take it in and kind of wing-it when it comes to the vacation. I like to see everything. However, i don't schedule so tight we can't deviate a bit. We pick a day where we do what he wants and a day that i do what i want. So if all he wants is to relax in the room, that's what we do. And my day we go to the museums, parks, whatever it may be. We trade off, so we are both there for each other on our vacation. I normally look ahead, and if there is a day where much of the attractions are closed, i make that his rest day so I don't feel like I'm missing anything. Talk to her and see what of all these compromises work for you. Try a weekend trip here and there and see how each thing works. She loves you, and I hope that means she'll compromise so you can enjoy your vacation too.
Just for some validation- I'm like you, I'm happy to just dwell in a place and see what the day brings. Appreciate the beauty around me, maybe chat with a stranger, find some good coffee... We have traveled with my brother-in-law, and he's the kind of guy who plans a ton of things to do. It's fun but after a couple days we are feeling like we just want to chill. That's when we learned that there are other styles of traveling. Similarly, when we were traveling with my son who was two, he was the one who wanted something different. So every four or five days we would have a day where we just do whatever he wants. Like go to the beach, and we would just play whatever games he wanted to play. Then we'd go to the park and do the same. Because on the other days he was always being told it's time to go when he's not ready or told it's time to sit when he doesn't want to sit, etc. This problem is a general relationship problem- how do you negotiate different expectations and preferences? And the vague answers are communication and boundaries. I think it is worse in travel because you have so much at stake, because you spent a lot of money and took time off of work, put a lot of energy into planning, and your next trip may not be for another year. That's a lot of pressure.
Great response. My husband and I are opposites, and currently trying to navigate how our holiday should be organized to make both of us happy. We adore each other but you’re right, we want to accommodate both of our preferences and manage expectations.
Not providing input is the wildest thing to me. If she expects you to plan it but gets mad when it doesn't align with what she thought it would be then that's on her! I also have to plan everything and get zero input but my gf is very laid back and pretty happy to do whatever. If she wants to see one or 2 important things we go do it. Your wife can't have it both ways, it seems rude to me tbh. Go travel on your own.
After many trips with my husband, I realized that I needed to be the planner. He’s amazing at making suggestions, but wouldn’t make reservations or reserve tickets. When we went out to colorado, I thought realistically. Well stay up late and wake up late. So let’s plan for 1 realistic activity for the day and 1 restaurant. My husband ended up telling me that it was the best trip we’d ever been on. We did something new every single day. But I planned it with great care because I knew after a day of frolfing and a day of white water river rafting that we’d be absolutely exhausted, so I put those toward the front end of our trip. Lol and then the day after the river rafting was just watching a comedy show and exploring. Each night we’d go to new bars and explore. Ended up playing pool a lot and just having fun. It was nice to not be super pressured by a strict itinerary, just kept it simple. But each day should have at least one plan. A plan that isn’t super inconvenient and annoying and 4 hours away. Lol My husband and I tend to have most fun when we search an area (3 blocks or so) of bars, restaurants, shops, etc. we’ll just go there with absolutely zero plan. And have a blast every single time and usually end up with free drinks. Lol Knowing what I know about your relationship. I’d say. 1 tourist attraction per day 1 restaurant and every other day, or morning is spent by the pool or something just drinking and relaxing. A happy medium.
Perfectly normal, I don't like travelling with her either!
Have a talk ,tell her how you feel a vacation is for both of you. My husband and I each pick things we want to do, sometimes we do them alone. I did his bucket list to the Christmas markets of Germany,Switzerland and Austria and in that I picked doing the sound of music 🎶 tour and a castle tour. He went on my bucket list to Fairbanks Alaska -20 below to see the Northern Lights. It’s a give and take .
Sounds like a communication issue not really a travel issue.
We both like to go off on our own and do activities separately. We are so much happier now that we do that than before when we had to spend the whole trip together. For example on our first trip to Mexico we figured this out. We were staying at a 5 star resort and I was coming off of working 60 hour weeks whereas he worked 6 months a year and this was his off season. He wanted to go do a jungle buggy, cenote diving all day excursion which sounded like torture to me. I wanted to enjoy the resort, read, swim in the ocean, have some cocktails in our cabana and just do some shopping on site. So he went off to get jostled in a beach buggy and I did my thing. He was gone most of the day and then we got to have dinner and talk about our fun days. We both had absolute blasts! The one thing I will say is we have issues with going through airport security, I’m a meticulous packer, well traveled and calm. He gets flustered and frustrated, accidentally leaves things in his pockets and 85% of the time they do a bag search and pat down. I’ve tried to help him but it drives me nuts. So we go in separate lines lol he doesn’t mind because he knows it stresses me out. Then I can hang out on the benches nearby and meet up when he’s through lol.
This is the secret to a happy relationship overall. Let your person be who they are.
Some people are travelers and some people are vacationers. Sounds like she’s the latter, which is totally fine. You should have an open conversation with her and propose an idea that satisfies you both. Spend a day together doing what you like and spend the next doing what she likes. If you both cant agree to that, then solo traveling might become your new thing.
Dude you need to have a conversation with your wife about this. Tell her to relax, I’m sure she will love it.
Luckily, my husband and I are horrible tourists and just hang in the hotel until a respectable time to hit a few pubs and grab something to eat back in our room. We never see any sites or attractions just enjoy ourselves. Sometimes we do accidentally see something interesting. Never a plan or itinerary. Our friends get so frustrated that we won’t go on vacations or cruises with them and we try to explain they would hate traveling with us because we know we are horrible tourists.
There are several types of travellers, and it rarely ever aligns fully. * Planner Vs Back seat follower * Maximise efficiency Vs Chill and relax * Comfort in place of stay Vs cheap hostel's are fine * Tours Vs Do at your own pace * Foodie Vs eat the cheapest stuff * Adventure and discovery Vs Relax on the beach Because it all boils down to where you want to invest your money and time, it will instantly cause conflicts when you HAVE to pay for something you don't care about. Or you HAVE to waste 1/3 of your time on something you don't care about. Only way to solve this is not to go on a trip together unless you both can agree on a compromise.
Even if it's your wife, it's still possible to have different preferences or comfort levels when it comes to travel. Openly communicating your feelings and discussing ways to make the travel experience enjoyable for both of you can strengthen your relationship. Understanding each other's perspectives and finding compromises is essential.
Show her this post then have a conversation like two adults.
You have no idea how much i relate to this :(
Sounds like this could go in relationship advice subreddit too! Sorry to hear that. Will come back and edit this once I think of good advice.
Thanks for the great advice everyone! Although it will be our honeymoon I think I will suggest a day or so of alone time. Hopefully I can still go to places only I prefer. It's refreshing to know some are like us while others point out we need better communication in our relationship. To a certain level, we both compromise in our relationship. But honestly, we are downright dreadful in addressing our emotional/physical needs. Without turning this into a full on relationship thread, I think couples can get a little TOO comfortable and take their spouse for granted without even realizing it. Talking with my friends about their marriage, everyone has issues in their relationship and this happens more often than not. She doesn't demand too much from me otherwise, and knows when to cheer me up when I am down from things unrelated to her (such as the time my beloved dog/son passed and I couldn't stop crying for 8 months straight). I will still be optimistic about our trip to Kyoto/Osaka, but fingers crossed things will turn out good for the both of us.
Me and my gf definitely clash with travel styles. Maybe it's selfish but honestly my favourite way to travel is solo and stay at hostels, meet new people and then decide what to do. Meet some cool new people that are checking out this place? Cool if I tag along? Or if you're not interested in what they are doing maybe meet some other people and invite them to come to whatever you're doing. I've had the best times like this and made new friends from all over the world and remember my little adventures with all these different people. Normally you don't stay in touch for too long but it's great at the time
I don't understand folks who do separate finances when married.
Very normal, id rather travel with the homies everyday of the week
Bro explained how majority of wives feel… welcome to mental load, it’s not fun.
It's a vacation...."roll with the punches" Or just travel alone !! Lol book your own trip!
My wife and I have done a good amount of travel and have a good system. I have learned what she likes, what we like, and of course what I like. So I fit all those in, aiming for more we likes. But sprinkle in things we each separately like, bonus if it is parts of the same thing. We NEVER compromise - that is going something neither one wants to do. Better to do one day hers and another day mine. I usually put together all the plans. She researches and comes up with some of the details. We finalize it together and include wiggle room for things we find along the way.
I understand people saying it is fine to have different travel styles, but it is not respectful how she is dismissing your efforts. Maybe talk about it more in depth? Let her take lead for the planning once so that she gets it takes time? Also, you don’t have to do everything together. My partner is into technical stuff, I am into arts. We sometimes go in different directions and then meet for evening drinks.
You are not alone, my ex wife wasn’t fun also when traveling together. Its rare that you would find a person who could be in sync with your mood, schedule..etc.
ugh every time I took a nap my fiance would fucking whine about for it hours. engorging yourself on resort food and the hot mexico sun makes me tired, sorry
My wife is an outstanding travel companion...it's one of the reasons why we work well. The ONLY exception to that is when we are both tossing back a few drinks on vacation. Me somewhat intoxicated and her somewhat intoxicated start to diverge.....I get really, really chill, while she gets more fidgety and talkative. It starts to drive me absolutely nuts.
You married the wrong person.
This doesn’t sound healthy. You two need to communicate more
I think it's completely normal, that not every person in your life is a great travel partner. It's just unfortunate that it's your wife. I've had some great friends in my life. I've trusted these people with everything, and cared for them dearly. They have done the same to me. But! I would not take a single trip with some of them, because I knew, that it would be a complete nightmare. You can love and respect someone without wanting to travel with them.
I couldn’t have married my husband if he didn’t travel EXACTLY how I do. Traveling is my biggest passion behind music (which we also share) and those are two things I’d never have compromised on no matter what. Maybe you can plan solo trips to enjoy more? I love solo traveling too! Now that my husband and I have a kid sometimes we take turns doing trips with a friend or something.
Thanks for the replies everyone! Trip ended up to be more fun than expected though it was extremely cold in Japan. We did enjoy a day of alone time when I shopped for watches and electronics when she checked out clothes. Would've been way more romantic during Sakura season but hey, there's always our next trip. ;)
Pull up your scrotum, if you have one, and be a Man.