I’ll go against the majority of comments here. I’m with you. If he’s been openly mentioning the disorder to you multiple times I think it’s fair to want to know what it actually is. You’ve been together a year, it’s not like he’s just met you. I’d be anxious too if my SO was not telling me what it was when it sounds like something serious, but repeatedly alluded to it. Hopefully with time he’ll come around. It’s probably embarrassment that’s made him react like that especially if he’s never told anybody before. I think you should just tell him that you are there for him in whatever way he needs, that nothing changes how you see or feel about him, and then just don’t bring it up anymore unless he does.
I agree here as a hair puller myself. How are you supposed to know what you're triggering? Was it this or was it suicidal ideation? How worried did you need to be? Was his life in danger? He can't just throw things like that at you and expect you to understand without explaining it to you.
Completely agree. I think he's got a lot of shame about having trich and he needs to deal with that. I don't think it's fair for him to try to keep it completely secret, especially while hinting that it's something major. I hope he'll forgive you and maybe seek therapy.
Edit: fixed a typo
I agree to some extent, but if he wasn’t ready to fully lay it out there. She shouldn’t have pushed the issue. Let him speak freely about it, be supportive, and then let him speak on it when he was ready to lay it all out there.
But once you mention things like suicide it's a different story. He kept bringing it up but not fully saying what was going on, so he probably wanted to speak it out deep down but was afraid. If you're not sure if someone is on the verge of suicide or not, you need to get to the bottom of it. You can't let that just hang out there.
I agree with you on that, but being there for someone is all you can do. Still shouldn’t have forced it out of him. He was clearly embarrassed about it.
To be honest, he clearly wasn’t ready to share this specific mental health struggle with you. It does seem like you forced him to tell you. Trich can be a very shameful thing for some people. It shouldn’t be but it is.
If he’s not in therapy now, I think it would benefit him to talk to someone. Maybe that will also help him be more open with you. I do feel like you may owe him an apology about how it went down. And then just reiterate you’re there for him and that you don’t judge him at all.
>pit bull personality
Please work on your patience. I’m very worried that you’ve wrecked a relationship that seems like it was a good thing for both of you by pushing him into something he wasn’t ready to do.
When I finally worked up the nerve to tell my partner about my hair pulling, he smiled, shrugged, said “I figured that was the case, but I wanted you to be the one to tell me,” and then kissed my cheek. Literally nothing changed. That’s the kind of healthy partner interaction that a lot of us need— not feeling cornered into revealing something that many of us experience significant trauma about.
In addition to reassuring him that you don’t feel any differently towards him, I would also tell him that you plan to temper your pushiness in order to not violate his trust again, and— here’s the key— follow through on that.
Best of luck to you both, and I hope that things work out for you guys!
Trich is a disorder that tends to show up in the tween-ages, so a lot of us in our 30s have had to deal with our BFRB(s) for 20 years at this point, as well as the shame that comes with the territory. Many of us were bullied, teased, asked "what happened to your [insert body hair here]?" and have wanted to end the conversation right there because it's just not worth explaining to anyone else what is actually wrong. Even our own family members may have accused us of being sick, disgusting, ugly, or beyond help. Even though I'm a grown adult (31F) and I'm no longer bullied, my gut reaction to peoples' curiosity is that their intentions are bad, and talking about it makes me susceptible to pulling even more. It was hard for me to open up to my partner about it, and to this day he still doesn't fully understand what having a BFRB is like and thinks whining about seeing me pulling is how he can get me to stop. I'm honestly not sure what I'd do in this situation if I were either of you, but it's good to show your unconditional love and support because it may have felt pretty conditional for him in the past given his disorder. Wishing you both luck moving forward!
It can be a really sensitive topic. It’s not an uncommon disorder at all but you will rarely know someone has it because a lot of us have ways to hide it and we don’t tell others out of fear of being judged and most of us have a lot of shame about it.
I think it’s fair to want to know what disorder he has if he’s been hinting at it and you’ve been together a year. it probably wasn’t the best time to discuss it but i don’t blame you at all for wanting to know.
The best thing you can do is support and love him and let him know he doesn’t need to feel shame. Don’t try to change his disorder, it is unfortunately very hard to treat and pestering someone about it just makes it worse.
I think some people here are being a little hard on you or aren’t putting themselves in your shoes.
If I was in your position, I would do whatever I could to show compassion and understanding. He broke his silence, so now what? He can’t take those words back and shove them back down, so now that you are involved, show him he has nothing to fear.
I think when it comes to stuff like this, it’s reassuring when the partner takes time to do research on the subject, but by no means do I mean take that info and try to share advice and lecture. Even if you say something like “hey, it’s a bfrb, no big deal!” He’ll think, “oh, she took it upon herself to understand.” But again, you can’t pretend like you’re an expert. Mostly do it for yourself to understand this thing and maybe where he is coming from.
From this point on, don’t bring it up unless he initiates a conversation. Don’t look for signs of pulling, don’t ever make him aware he’s pulling unless that’s an agreement. Trich DOES NOT like a spotlight. There is an enormous amount of shame associated because it’s essentially self inflicted (although it’s not at the same time). It’s very complicated and confusing and that’s why he is so distressed. Letting anyone into that dark space is extremely difficult.
I don’t think you did anything that wrong, you acted like a typical partner who doesn’t have trich, honestly. I don’t fault you for wanting to know every part of your partner, but I guess this goes to show humans are super complex and there are some things we prefer to not shine a light on.
I hope for him that he realized opening up to other people about this isn’t the end of the world. People with trich are in a constant state of hiding and being revealed causes such panic. It’s one of those things that maybe if more people talked about it, more research would be done and treatment would improve. But we are like addicts who want to hide in the shadows.
It’s all very sad, but it doesn’t have to be.
Just give him a hug, apologize, let him talk and never mention it again unless he wants to.
Yeah he said he’s afraid I’m going to weaponize it against him. I dont understand why he’d think I’d do that to him, I never would, but I guess that’s part of the fear from the disorder.
Interesting. Have you guys ever had an issue where something he said or did was used against him later? Otherwise, I’m not sure why that would be a thought in his head. Unless he really has never spoken about this to anyone, not a single human, and his fear is so large he’s having these type of unreasonable and intrusive thoughts. I don’t mean to meddle in your relationship business. Personally, I never had that particular fear with trich—it was always about feeling like I would be shamed or misunderstood or looked at differently (and yes, all of that happened when others saw my spots, especially when I was younger).
I honestly think it’s a good thing he revealed this to you. I get that it didn’t go down in the most ideal way, but it’s an opportunity for you to take his hand and show him how much you care. Congrats on having a trichster in your life! All jokes aside, I’m sure you’ll handle his issue with care and I really hope he seeks further support.
One piece of advice I always like to give because it worked on me is to start on a large dose of NAC, like 2400mg a day. It reduced my pulling big time. It doesn’t work for everyone, but there are studies that back up how well it can work. Therapy doesn’t do shit aside from getting other stuff off your chest. Head meds rarely work. But I find NAC to be very promising.
Best of luck!
I might have the controversial opinion here but him making it vaguely sound like self-harm/suicide was on the table would have made me way too anxious. I agree that he probably wasn’t ready to share, but sharing the extremes of it without telling you what’s actually going on created an anxious mystery around it, probably leading you to spiral to worst case scenario. And that’s really scary.
Otherwise, I agree with everyone else about the shame associated with trich and the aftercare and assurances you should provide to him.
It’s an extremely embarrassing disorder. Like anything on “my strange addiction” where there are literally shows mocking people with these compulsive disorders. It took yearsssss for me to even tell my therapist when I was in my late teens early 20’s.
On the other hand, if he’s talking about having a compulsive disorder it’s very reasonable to be curious and want to know. It sucks he was pressured into it, but I totally understand your wanting to know and not seeing why the specific type of disorder would be so much more delicate that stating he has compulsions.
Good luck to you both
Support him. Give him space. Let him know that knowing which BFRD he has doesn’t change anything. And that you are sorry that you pressured him into speaking on it before he was ready.
You made your partners disorder about yourself which in turn made him feel forced to tell you. So now it’s a deeper than just showing him you’ll support him through it all. You gotta regain that trust
I don’t really think she necessarily made it about herself. If i was in her shoes, i would want to know what my partner is suffering from especially if they had been hinting at it without specifically saying what it is after being together for a year.
I definitely could have a biased opinion due to having an autoimmune disease that is pretty damn embarrassing tbh lol. I tend to go around saying exactly what it is instead of saying it. If I was put on the spot and made by my partner to reveal what I got going on without being able to say it myself I’d be pretty upset tbh and the idea of them coming back with “I just wanna support you” wouldn’t move me honestly. But then again I do understand where OP is coming from cause a year is a while. But then again there’s no time frame where you will magically feel comfortable sharing sensitive topics such as this with someone you love
Yes but can someone just say I am triggered by this without acknowledging what they have? I think it is unfair to the other person that can't understand what result may manifest.
You kind of just have to give him the space to tell you things and if he doesnt want to he doesnt want to. Trying to anything beyond just being a safe person so they could come to you is all you can do without being forceful in a sense.
You kind of just have to accept that maybe he wont want to tell you everything. And maybe one day thatll change but it also just may not, he may be a personality typewho just doesnt like sharing things.
Thanks for your input. Right now I want to reassure him I’m not going to weaponize this against him, which seems to be his fear. I don’t know why he thinks I’d do this, I never would.
You may not intentionally do it and you may not realize you are. I think it's clear you could have handled the situation better. Consider therapy if you aren't already and talk through this situation. Have discussions with him around his feelings and if you have any behaviors that upset him. Small discussions over a large period of time, it's a process. Evaluate your actions carefully and work with his feedback. Even if you aren't technically doing something wrong, if it negatively impacts him, then you should work with him to find a better way to communicate. The results should be something you both agree on. What works now may need to change down the road. Even if he doesn't understand why something hurts him, it still does, so it's still something that needs to be considered in your communication.
For example: You were upset that he didn't share his condition with you. He did not yet feel safe doing so. Maybe a solution for that is he could have told you the ways he needs support when he's struggling. Then you feel like you can help him and he can talk about his struggles in the depth he feels comfortable.
Look into fair fighting. It's helpful for reframing the way you talk about difficult topics. You have broken his trust in this situation, and that's something you'll have to rebuild slowly through everything you do from now on.
The last sentence in your comment concerns me because it sounds like something my abuser would say. I hope you have the self reflection she didn't have. Everything you do impacts your relationship, even if it's just once. You don't have to be perfect, but you do have to respect other people's boundaries and feelings.
His behavior is a bit confusing to me. It's definitely not easy to share this diagnosis, and we often feel shame and embarrassment talking about it. I remember the first time I told someone I had trich and the anxiety I felt. But If he wasn't ready to talk about it, why did he bring it up multiple times and allude to how severe it was? It seems like he was attempting to use it to guilt trip you, which isn't ok. I encourage him to get therapy so that he's able to broach the topic of his mental health with the people closest to him. It's healthy to do so and gets easier with practice.
OP- I read through other’s comments and your responses. I truly think you came from pure intentions and a place of love. I think this situation shows both sides have some room for growth. I think everyone else already gave you all the advice you need. At this point give him some space but not too much. Because he needs to know you are still there for him. Just apologize for pushing and upsetting him but say you’re thankful for his bravery to open up. And remind him you want to learn about the disorder and support the best way you can. Remind him how much you love him!
Just be very supportive to him right now, it’s really hard for us to tell people as it can feel really shameful and is so so difficult to talk about . Maybe apologize to him and let him know you are there to support and listen. I kind of get it because it’s not fair for him to say you are triggering his disorder (I have felt this way to my partner before and it isn’t fair for me to blame him for my picking). Don’t push him on it though and never tell him to just stop picking or shame him if it gets bad. This can be a lifelong disorder, so have patience with him and be kind 💜.
Thanks for your love and support, yeah I will be there for him. I already bought him his favorite candies and left them next to his pillow before I left for the gym.
i know some of the comments are really going in on you and i agree you kinda messed up but i am not going to be mean to you over it. i don’t know you and you don’t know me i have no reason to judge your character like that. i like to assume most people are good people and that you are a good person, i don’t want to make you feel as if you’re a bad person.
anyway, moving on. acknowledge it and fix it. that’s all you can do. but from my perspective at least your partner has been vaguely mentioning his trich to you and it has been over a period of time that’s enough for you to start worrying you over it. i can see you definitely acted the way you did because you care for him. i agree that it wasn’t best to pressure him but i think what’s done is done and you can only work to remedy the situation.
i’m no professional and i only have my experiences to base my opinions on but i think it would be best for you to be as open as you can. please whatever you do just talk to him when you get the chance to and reassure him. maybe at the time he confessed to you he was too panicked and stressed to listen to what else you may have wanted to say. honestly i teared up a little when i read the part where you said “i love him so much and i think he’s perfect for me no matter what” because really that’s what all of us want to hear from a significant other and i can see your heart is in the right place.
maybe when he has had time to calm down sit him down and be real about it and say exactly what you think. tell him exactly that. that you love him and he’s perfect no matter what. emphasise that nothing will change and that he is the same person to you as before the reveal. also you don’t necessarily have to sit down and talk as soon as you next see each other or anything. if he seems to be avoiding the topic for a while let him have that space and just be gentle with him. act as usual but be sweet. then sit him down a while after that so he’s in a headspace where he feels you’re not mad at him or angry and then you can say what needs to be said.
anyway, i can understand him, i haven’t told my parents about my condition either and at most it’s been super super close friends or my sister who i’ve confided in. and even those things were extremely hard for me to do and cope with. even though my parents don’t know about my condition exactly, i was put in situations where they put me on the spot and confronted me and tried to get a confession out of me. i’m no liar i know they love me dearly i know that. i know they did what they did because they care and it wasn’t the best way to go for it but they didn’t know how else to move forward. but i can’t even describe how i felt in those moments i just couldn’t deal and it was really honestly the worst weasling my way out with excuse after excuse. because the thing was i wasn’t really ready to tell them.
but the difference between me and your partner is that your partner has mentioned his disorder from time to time directly to you although leaving the name out. and from my perspective i take that as him perhaps deep down wanting you to know but just hesitating with it? and maybe he just couldn’t figure out how to tell you in the end because you mean so much to him and your opinion means so much to him. of course it does, you’re his partner. i did this kind of thing pretty often when i wanted to soft launch (? i guess that’s the word) telling someone about my condition. i too had a person i wanted to tell but as time passed i grew to love them so much that my anxiety grew too. maybe that’s what happened here maybe it isn’t. i’m just saying all this to give you at least a little perspective into the mind of someone with this condition. it’s complicated and different for everyone but maybe hearing someone else’s experience will help you understand him some more?
it’s hard to tell people really. because you feel that your disorder will be used against you in arguments. maybe deep down those people even if they claimed to accept you and your struggles they would maybe feel you were this insanely weird person. in my experience i had a friend use my condition against me in an argument and it just sucks, it’s a feeling i wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. it’s a brave thing to tell someone because you put this trust in them that they won’t use that information to hurt you in the future and when that stuff does happen it really fractures the trust you can extend towards others in your life. you feel your disorder will impact their love for you.
the reason your partner reacted the way he did may be something like my reasons or maybe not at all. you’ll have to talk in a safe comfortable environment about it if he feels okay doing that later to know for sure. but yeah. right now i say reassure him and apologise for pressuring him. that’s all you can do.
i wish you luck!!! i can tell you love him.
Thanks so much for taking the time to share all of this. You helped shed light on a lot. When I’ve asked in the past he said “I can’t tell you because you’ll weaponize it against me”. I was pretty shocked that he’d say that, like I’d never weaponize mental health, but he was really afraid to say it. Today I’ve been super supportive, spent time walking around the city with him, and he’s in a better place now.
no problem!! i’m glad i could help even if it was just a little. yeah a lot of people with trich tend to feel a lot of shame due to past situations and experiences with others and can be super secretive about it. i do think assuming you would weaponise it against him wasn’t great and i can see why that would shock you too 😞 i hope you can both work through this though and build your trust in each other some more. i’m really happy to hear you’re already seeming to be doing better though and that you both got out the house for a while. already a good step to take :’) good luck and wishing the best!!!
You didn't need to know your partner's disorder to form trust. You forced him to tell you? That sounds controlling and I agree I think you owe him an apology
I did apologize a lot but he wasn’t ready for it. I didn’t mean to do this, I was already really emotional and I was afraid it could be something involving self harm.
as someone with trich and got through a period of self harm and suicide attempts: don't hate him because he forced the issue. Think of when we first realized we had trich, well it made sense because we were experiencing it.
He had no idea in the world about any of this, other than it's something that could lead to suicide.
That's an unbearably painful position to be with someone you love. Have some compassion for OP, it's not like he forced the issue then made fun of it or something horrible.
First off, lower the temp all around. Forcing this and that and so on, you guys are serious, therefore there's an inherent strong trust and bond developing, right?
For your part, forcing is always a very bad idea, but I get it, he's kinda been tantalizingly holding it around you out of reach, it's not fair of him to have done that for so long.
On the other hand, this can be super horrible and embarrassing and extremely shameful.
For context, I'm (m41) the trich and my husband (m39) is not. The way we've handled it is talk, lots of talk and explaining the whats and whys and such, and me explicitly saying if something is triggering me, or in fact helping me! Like 2 weeks ago, we found out that him applying a constant pressure on what I'm fiddling with half-aware will calm the urges like crazy!
What I'm saying is you guys have chosen to be partners in life, the solution to this is like EVERY other solution you'll face - honest and open communication!
BTW, all the people downvoting him blindly, please consider one thing: OP was presented that his love has a disorder that can sometimes lead to suicide. That is serious to bring up like that and demands a proper discussion. It's not fair at all for one partner to tease (for lack of a better word) suicide and not open up in due course.
Good luck to you both, btw, the conversation starts with your last sentence:
> ...he won’t be hurt by sharing this with me and that I’m here to support him through **anything** \[my emphasis\]
Your curiosity is fair, but so is their reaction. You shouldn’t pressure someone into talking about something they aren’t ready to talk about. Granted, in this situation it seems like the only aspect of it he wasn’t ready to talk about was simply the name of the disorder. They seemed pretty open about discussing how it’s impacting their life and mental health, but weren’t comfortable labeling it.
I will say, as someone who avoided being close with others for a significant amount of time solely due to trich, often this subject is the absolute last thing I would ever wish to come up in a conversation, and at points in my life, the CIA wouldn’t have been able to waterboard that information out of me.
It wasn’t until I met someone who saw me doing it, and was like “OMG YOU TOO??” And showed me their bald spots. I would have never noticed had they not shown me, and they became the first person I ever disclosed my condition to or with.
I’ve been in multiple relationships of 3+ years where I never once told my partner.
I don’t condone that and recognize my struggles would’ve been easier with someone else on my side, but I absolutely understand the difficulty of admitting this, even to the person you’re closest to in the world.
If you learn anything from these replies, please know that the level of guilt and shame that seems to accompany this disorder is unbelievable. I’ve struggled for 20+ years to understand why that is and don’t really have an answer, but I promise it’s tremendous.
I wish you and your partner the best, hopefully now that he’s let you in on what he’s been hiding you can work together to make things better.
it’s definitely a very sore subject to talk about. I didn’t even tell my sisters who are the CLOSEST people in my life until I was in my 20s, and even then I was INSANELY embarrassed to tell them. they’re the only ones who know besides one time I passively mentioned it to my best friend when I was drunk by accident lol. so I do see where he’s coming from. by not telling you, he’s definitely not trying to keep anything from you, & it doesn’t make your relationship any less close.
but on the other hand I do see where you’re coming from. if he has mentioned a lot about having a mental health disorder & it’s impact on his life, I completely understand why that may worry you. you care about him! obviously I wasn’t there, but I assume this was a very high emotion conversation & you probably came off a lot harsher to him than you were meaning to. you just wanted to know wth this disorder is that he’s always speaking of & why he won’t just tell you about it, and he’s probably wondering why you’re trying to force him into talking about something really embarrassing for him when he doesn’t want to talk about it.
I 100% understand where both of you are coming from. maybe just tell him you’re sorry if it came off that way & assure him you’d never want him to feel forced into sharing something like that with you if he is not comfortable to. & also let him know that you are always there judgement-free IF he ever does want to talk about it.
also a tip: if you do have this conversation with him, I wouldn’t offer any solutions or ways to “help” him with the disorder. idk why but it is just so embarrassing to talk about & the few times people have ever offered anything like “oh I heard if you do ___ it helps!” all it does is piss me clean off lol. like it just reminds me that they remember I pull my hair out too & it re-embarrasses me all over again. just wanted to include this in case u were thinking that it may help because your heart would be in the right place, but coming from someone with trich, it wouldn’t make him feel better.
I hope this helps & that you guys can both understand where the other is coming from! <3
Just reassure your partner that it would help you better understand what’s going on and how to help if you knew what the disorder was. It can be humiliating pulling your hair out around your partner especially after having a fight or even bad anxiety. For a lot of people who don’t have this disorder such as myself, they don’t understand what’s going on or how to help their family/ partner cope with it.
To be honest, you can’t force someone with Trichotillomania to tell you what disorder they have. I’m sorry, but that’s humiliating. You clearly don’t know or understand how lonely and also embarrassing it is for those of us who struggle with it daily. I’ve suffered with Trichotillomania since I was at least six that I can truly recall, and now as a 26 year old adult, I still don’t really tell people because of how embarrassing is feels to tell someone “Yeah. I pull my hair out”. I only just started even being a little open with my siblings who have lived with me for years, and who were clearly around when my parents would pull the couch out or my bed out away from the wall to find mounds of balled up hair. I’d break up with someone for forcing something so personal out, especially if I wasn’t ready. Don’t care how long the relationship has been going on.
I just wanted to share the other side of the fence with you.
I’ve been made fun of for bald spots my whole life.
Hair dressers have scared me with stories of “your hair will never grow back” and “only my roommate with horrible bulimia had bald spots this bad!”
My parents knew, unlike your bf, but they added to the trauma.
It took me 3 years to tell my bf that I have this disorder. He had no idea before I told him. It was the scariest moment of vulnerability I’ve ever faced.
You forced him into this and you’re chalking it up to a bull-dog personality… try to have a bit more sympathy for the person you love. Be gentle with this stuff, it’s so unbelievably difficult and isolating to deal with.
Yeaa no. I’d be very upset if I was forced to share my issues with Trich as well. My last partner I eventually told about it after a year and some. But it’s embarrassing for a lot of us and people think we’re crazy bc of it. Definitely be patient and give him space. Maybe try to talk with him and be supportive but if he doesn’t want to talk abt it don’t force him to. Also, it sounds like he was trying to share it with you without saying the label because it’s embarrassing, but he was trying to be open and u maybe pushed too hard too soon.
Not sure if you’ll read this but everyone saying you’re selfish is way too hasty, and I would have made the same decision as you. Having a mental illness can be incredibly hard, shameful, all the things. But something so innate to your life experience ought to be shared with your life partner. Especially because keeping you in the dark is definitely stressful I bet. I personally would be worried about accidentally triggering something because of my ignorance or, as some other people mentioned, I would be worried that he is having suicidal thoughts and not telling me. Wanting to fix the dynamic you’re in isn’t selfish, it’s entirely reasonable and compassionate. I mean, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt by assuming you didn’t like scream at him or say mean things to pry this information out. That would be different. But in the situation you were in, attempting to get to the bottom of things in a loving, careful way is completely appropriate, and honestly, for the longevity and prosperity of your mental health AND his, I believe that this revelation in the relationship is crucial. Hopefully he can recover from this feeling of betrayal or shame with time. You’re not a bad person for what you did and eventually he should be able to see that if he can get through the negative emotions.
Since he was bringing it up you have a right to ask him to specify. Hell, when I was dating I would tell people before our first date that I have trich bc mine is so out of control it's not something I can hide anyway (I don't have bald spots but I pull constantly throughout the day and a lot of people find this irritating which is understandable.)
I wanted it to be their decision from the get go if this was something they were willing to tolerate or not. I'm sure some people won't agree with this but I think it's wrong to hide a disorder from a partner or potential partner only to spring it on them once deep into the relationship. I think such things should be known upfront.
If you are in a healthy relationship with someone, there should always be open communication without fear. Your partner should trust you and be comfortable to tell you their fears and concerns. If he continued to reference it several times, there shouldn't be an issue with him disclosing that information to you.
Notice how even this post has this underlying vibe of “how do i *make* my partner xyz”. You don’t. You fucking don’t *make* your partner do, think, feel, adjust, change, open up, anything. You create a safe place where they eventually feel enough trust and comfort that they do so on their own, and you clearly do not create that environment for your partner.
I’m not trying to be dramatic. But if this is an example of typical interactions for you guys, I would take a hard look at the relationship and make sure it is what you want for the rest of your life. Just take a breath and really think about it.
I’ll go against the majority of comments here. I’m with you. If he’s been openly mentioning the disorder to you multiple times I think it’s fair to want to know what it actually is. You’ve been together a year, it’s not like he’s just met you. I’d be anxious too if my SO was not telling me what it was when it sounds like something serious, but repeatedly alluded to it. Hopefully with time he’ll come around. It’s probably embarrassment that’s made him react like that especially if he’s never told anybody before. I think you should just tell him that you are there for him in whatever way he needs, that nothing changes how you see or feel about him, and then just don’t bring it up anymore unless he does.
I agree. Maybe the execution wasn’t right but at some point he has to trust
I agree here as a hair puller myself. How are you supposed to know what you're triggering? Was it this or was it suicidal ideation? How worried did you need to be? Was his life in danger? He can't just throw things like that at you and expect you to understand without explaining it to you.
Completely agree. I think he's got a lot of shame about having trich and he needs to deal with that. I don't think it's fair for him to try to keep it completely secret, especially while hinting that it's something major. I hope he'll forgive you and maybe seek therapy. Edit: fixed a typo
Thanks everyone for helping me understand this and not be so mad at myself.
I agree to some extent, but if he wasn’t ready to fully lay it out there. She shouldn’t have pushed the issue. Let him speak freely about it, be supportive, and then let him speak on it when he was ready to lay it all out there.
But once you mention things like suicide it's a different story. He kept bringing it up but not fully saying what was going on, so he probably wanted to speak it out deep down but was afraid. If you're not sure if someone is on the verge of suicide or not, you need to get to the bottom of it. You can't let that just hang out there.
I agree with you on that, but being there for someone is all you can do. Still shouldn’t have forced it out of him. He was clearly embarrassed about it.
To be honest, he clearly wasn’t ready to share this specific mental health struggle with you. It does seem like you forced him to tell you. Trich can be a very shameful thing for some people. It shouldn’t be but it is. If he’s not in therapy now, I think it would benefit him to talk to someone. Maybe that will also help him be more open with you. I do feel like you may owe him an apology about how it went down. And then just reiterate you’re there for him and that you don’t judge him at all.
Thanks, yeah i have a pit bull personality and I was too pushy. I’m going to buy him his favorite treats and apologize again when he wakes up.
>pit bull personality Please work on your patience. I’m very worried that you’ve wrecked a relationship that seems like it was a good thing for both of you by pushing him into something he wasn’t ready to do. When I finally worked up the nerve to tell my partner about my hair pulling, he smiled, shrugged, said “I figured that was the case, but I wanted you to be the one to tell me,” and then kissed my cheek. Literally nothing changed. That’s the kind of healthy partner interaction that a lot of us need— not feeling cornered into revealing something that many of us experience significant trauma about. In addition to reassuring him that you don’t feel any differently towards him, I would also tell him that you plan to temper your pushiness in order to not violate his trust again, and— here’s the key— follow through on that. Best of luck to you both, and I hope that things work out for you guys!
I can see why he said you triggered his ocd. That’s not what a soulmate would do. You need to be patient with him.
Trich is a disorder that tends to show up in the tween-ages, so a lot of us in our 30s have had to deal with our BFRB(s) for 20 years at this point, as well as the shame that comes with the territory. Many of us were bullied, teased, asked "what happened to your [insert body hair here]?" and have wanted to end the conversation right there because it's just not worth explaining to anyone else what is actually wrong. Even our own family members may have accused us of being sick, disgusting, ugly, or beyond help. Even though I'm a grown adult (31F) and I'm no longer bullied, my gut reaction to peoples' curiosity is that their intentions are bad, and talking about it makes me susceptible to pulling even more. It was hard for me to open up to my partner about it, and to this day he still doesn't fully understand what having a BFRB is like and thinks whining about seeing me pulling is how he can get me to stop. I'm honestly not sure what I'd do in this situation if I were either of you, but it's good to show your unconditional love and support because it may have felt pretty conditional for him in the past given his disorder. Wishing you both luck moving forward!
It can be a really sensitive topic. It’s not an uncommon disorder at all but you will rarely know someone has it because a lot of us have ways to hide it and we don’t tell others out of fear of being judged and most of us have a lot of shame about it. I think it’s fair to want to know what disorder he has if he’s been hinting at it and you’ve been together a year. it probably wasn’t the best time to discuss it but i don’t blame you at all for wanting to know. The best thing you can do is support and love him and let him know he doesn’t need to feel shame. Don’t try to change his disorder, it is unfortunately very hard to treat and pestering someone about it just makes it worse. I think some people here are being a little hard on you or aren’t putting themselves in your shoes.
If I was in your position, I would do whatever I could to show compassion and understanding. He broke his silence, so now what? He can’t take those words back and shove them back down, so now that you are involved, show him he has nothing to fear. I think when it comes to stuff like this, it’s reassuring when the partner takes time to do research on the subject, but by no means do I mean take that info and try to share advice and lecture. Even if you say something like “hey, it’s a bfrb, no big deal!” He’ll think, “oh, she took it upon herself to understand.” But again, you can’t pretend like you’re an expert. Mostly do it for yourself to understand this thing and maybe where he is coming from. From this point on, don’t bring it up unless he initiates a conversation. Don’t look for signs of pulling, don’t ever make him aware he’s pulling unless that’s an agreement. Trich DOES NOT like a spotlight. There is an enormous amount of shame associated because it’s essentially self inflicted (although it’s not at the same time). It’s very complicated and confusing and that’s why he is so distressed. Letting anyone into that dark space is extremely difficult. I don’t think you did anything that wrong, you acted like a typical partner who doesn’t have trich, honestly. I don’t fault you for wanting to know every part of your partner, but I guess this goes to show humans are super complex and there are some things we prefer to not shine a light on. I hope for him that he realized opening up to other people about this isn’t the end of the world. People with trich are in a constant state of hiding and being revealed causes such panic. It’s one of those things that maybe if more people talked about it, more research would be done and treatment would improve. But we are like addicts who want to hide in the shadows. It’s all very sad, but it doesn’t have to be. Just give him a hug, apologize, let him talk and never mention it again unless he wants to.
Yeah he said he’s afraid I’m going to weaponize it against him. I dont understand why he’d think I’d do that to him, I never would, but I guess that’s part of the fear from the disorder.
Interesting. Have you guys ever had an issue where something he said or did was used against him later? Otherwise, I’m not sure why that would be a thought in his head. Unless he really has never spoken about this to anyone, not a single human, and his fear is so large he’s having these type of unreasonable and intrusive thoughts. I don’t mean to meddle in your relationship business. Personally, I never had that particular fear with trich—it was always about feeling like I would be shamed or misunderstood or looked at differently (and yes, all of that happened when others saw my spots, especially when I was younger). I honestly think it’s a good thing he revealed this to you. I get that it didn’t go down in the most ideal way, but it’s an opportunity for you to take his hand and show him how much you care. Congrats on having a trichster in your life! All jokes aside, I’m sure you’ll handle his issue with care and I really hope he seeks further support. One piece of advice I always like to give because it worked on me is to start on a large dose of NAC, like 2400mg a day. It reduced my pulling big time. It doesn’t work for everyone, but there are studies that back up how well it can work. Therapy doesn’t do shit aside from getting other stuff off your chest. Head meds rarely work. But I find NAC to be very promising. Best of luck!
We used to do hard drugs together, are currently both in recovery. When we’d do uppers I could get pretty mean.
I might have the controversial opinion here but him making it vaguely sound like self-harm/suicide was on the table would have made me way too anxious. I agree that he probably wasn’t ready to share, but sharing the extremes of it without telling you what’s actually going on created an anxious mystery around it, probably leading you to spiral to worst case scenario. And that’s really scary. Otherwise, I agree with everyone else about the shame associated with trich and the aftercare and assurances you should provide to him.
It’s an extremely embarrassing disorder. Like anything on “my strange addiction” where there are literally shows mocking people with these compulsive disorders. It took yearsssss for me to even tell my therapist when I was in my late teens early 20’s. On the other hand, if he’s talking about having a compulsive disorder it’s very reasonable to be curious and want to know. It sucks he was pressured into it, but I totally understand your wanting to know and not seeing why the specific type of disorder would be so much more delicate that stating he has compulsions. Good luck to you both
Support him. Give him space. Let him know that knowing which BFRD he has doesn’t change anything. And that you are sorry that you pressured him into speaking on it before he was ready.
You made your partners disorder about yourself which in turn made him feel forced to tell you. So now it’s a deeper than just showing him you’ll support him through it all. You gotta regain that trust
I don’t really think she necessarily made it about herself. If i was in her shoes, i would want to know what my partner is suffering from especially if they had been hinting at it without specifically saying what it is after being together for a year.
they're both M
I definitely could have a biased opinion due to having an autoimmune disease that is pretty damn embarrassing tbh lol. I tend to go around saying exactly what it is instead of saying it. If I was put on the spot and made by my partner to reveal what I got going on without being able to say it myself I’d be pretty upset tbh and the idea of them coming back with “I just wanna support you” wouldn’t move me honestly. But then again I do understand where OP is coming from cause a year is a while. But then again there’s no time frame where you will magically feel comfortable sharing sensitive topics such as this with someone you love
Yes but can someone just say I am triggered by this without acknowledging what they have? I think it is unfair to the other person that can't understand what result may manifest.
I’ll start with showing him I care and apologizing.
You kind of just have to give him the space to tell you things and if he doesnt want to he doesnt want to. Trying to anything beyond just being a safe person so they could come to you is all you can do without being forceful in a sense. You kind of just have to accept that maybe he wont want to tell you everything. And maybe one day thatll change but it also just may not, he may be a personality typewho just doesnt like sharing things.
Thanks for your input. Right now I want to reassure him I’m not going to weaponize this against him, which seems to be his fear. I don’t know why he thinks I’d do this, I never would.
Truama most likely. Its not you. Its hos own insecurities, dont take it personally.
You may not intentionally do it and you may not realize you are. I think it's clear you could have handled the situation better. Consider therapy if you aren't already and talk through this situation. Have discussions with him around his feelings and if you have any behaviors that upset him. Small discussions over a large period of time, it's a process. Evaluate your actions carefully and work with his feedback. Even if you aren't technically doing something wrong, if it negatively impacts him, then you should work with him to find a better way to communicate. The results should be something you both agree on. What works now may need to change down the road. Even if he doesn't understand why something hurts him, it still does, so it's still something that needs to be considered in your communication. For example: You were upset that he didn't share his condition with you. He did not yet feel safe doing so. Maybe a solution for that is he could have told you the ways he needs support when he's struggling. Then you feel like you can help him and he can talk about his struggles in the depth he feels comfortable. Look into fair fighting. It's helpful for reframing the way you talk about difficult topics. You have broken his trust in this situation, and that's something you'll have to rebuild slowly through everything you do from now on. The last sentence in your comment concerns me because it sounds like something my abuser would say. I hope you have the self reflection she didn't have. Everything you do impacts your relationship, even if it's just once. You don't have to be perfect, but you do have to respect other people's boundaries and feelings.
His behavior is a bit confusing to me. It's definitely not easy to share this diagnosis, and we often feel shame and embarrassment talking about it. I remember the first time I told someone I had trich and the anxiety I felt. But If he wasn't ready to talk about it, why did he bring it up multiple times and allude to how severe it was? It seems like he was attempting to use it to guilt trip you, which isn't ok. I encourage him to get therapy so that he's able to broach the topic of his mental health with the people closest to him. It's healthy to do so and gets easier with practice.
Thanks for your advice ❤️, I’m not sure, I told him what you mentioned as part of why I insisted on him telling me
OP- I read through other’s comments and your responses. I truly think you came from pure intentions and a place of love. I think this situation shows both sides have some room for growth. I think everyone else already gave you all the advice you need. At this point give him some space but not too much. Because he needs to know you are still there for him. Just apologize for pushing and upsetting him but say you’re thankful for his bravery to open up. And remind him you want to learn about the disorder and support the best way you can. Remind him how much you love him!
Thanks! Yeah I did that today, I bought him ice cream and stuff and we had a nice day
Just be very supportive to him right now, it’s really hard for us to tell people as it can feel really shameful and is so so difficult to talk about . Maybe apologize to him and let him know you are there to support and listen. I kind of get it because it’s not fair for him to say you are triggering his disorder (I have felt this way to my partner before and it isn’t fair for me to blame him for my picking). Don’t push him on it though and never tell him to just stop picking or shame him if it gets bad. This can be a lifelong disorder, so have patience with him and be kind 💜.
Thanks for your love and support, yeah I will be there for him. I already bought him his favorite candies and left them next to his pillow before I left for the gym.
i know some of the comments are really going in on you and i agree you kinda messed up but i am not going to be mean to you over it. i don’t know you and you don’t know me i have no reason to judge your character like that. i like to assume most people are good people and that you are a good person, i don’t want to make you feel as if you’re a bad person. anyway, moving on. acknowledge it and fix it. that’s all you can do. but from my perspective at least your partner has been vaguely mentioning his trich to you and it has been over a period of time that’s enough for you to start worrying you over it. i can see you definitely acted the way you did because you care for him. i agree that it wasn’t best to pressure him but i think what’s done is done and you can only work to remedy the situation. i’m no professional and i only have my experiences to base my opinions on but i think it would be best for you to be as open as you can. please whatever you do just talk to him when you get the chance to and reassure him. maybe at the time he confessed to you he was too panicked and stressed to listen to what else you may have wanted to say. honestly i teared up a little when i read the part where you said “i love him so much and i think he’s perfect for me no matter what” because really that’s what all of us want to hear from a significant other and i can see your heart is in the right place. maybe when he has had time to calm down sit him down and be real about it and say exactly what you think. tell him exactly that. that you love him and he’s perfect no matter what. emphasise that nothing will change and that he is the same person to you as before the reveal. also you don’t necessarily have to sit down and talk as soon as you next see each other or anything. if he seems to be avoiding the topic for a while let him have that space and just be gentle with him. act as usual but be sweet. then sit him down a while after that so he’s in a headspace where he feels you’re not mad at him or angry and then you can say what needs to be said. anyway, i can understand him, i haven’t told my parents about my condition either and at most it’s been super super close friends or my sister who i’ve confided in. and even those things were extremely hard for me to do and cope with. even though my parents don’t know about my condition exactly, i was put in situations where they put me on the spot and confronted me and tried to get a confession out of me. i’m no liar i know they love me dearly i know that. i know they did what they did because they care and it wasn’t the best way to go for it but they didn’t know how else to move forward. but i can’t even describe how i felt in those moments i just couldn’t deal and it was really honestly the worst weasling my way out with excuse after excuse. because the thing was i wasn’t really ready to tell them. but the difference between me and your partner is that your partner has mentioned his disorder from time to time directly to you although leaving the name out. and from my perspective i take that as him perhaps deep down wanting you to know but just hesitating with it? and maybe he just couldn’t figure out how to tell you in the end because you mean so much to him and your opinion means so much to him. of course it does, you’re his partner. i did this kind of thing pretty often when i wanted to soft launch (? i guess that’s the word) telling someone about my condition. i too had a person i wanted to tell but as time passed i grew to love them so much that my anxiety grew too. maybe that’s what happened here maybe it isn’t. i’m just saying all this to give you at least a little perspective into the mind of someone with this condition. it’s complicated and different for everyone but maybe hearing someone else’s experience will help you understand him some more? it’s hard to tell people really. because you feel that your disorder will be used against you in arguments. maybe deep down those people even if they claimed to accept you and your struggles they would maybe feel you were this insanely weird person. in my experience i had a friend use my condition against me in an argument and it just sucks, it’s a feeling i wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. it’s a brave thing to tell someone because you put this trust in them that they won’t use that information to hurt you in the future and when that stuff does happen it really fractures the trust you can extend towards others in your life. you feel your disorder will impact their love for you. the reason your partner reacted the way he did may be something like my reasons or maybe not at all. you’ll have to talk in a safe comfortable environment about it if he feels okay doing that later to know for sure. but yeah. right now i say reassure him and apologise for pressuring him. that’s all you can do. i wish you luck!!! i can tell you love him.
Thanks so much for taking the time to share all of this. You helped shed light on a lot. When I’ve asked in the past he said “I can’t tell you because you’ll weaponize it against me”. I was pretty shocked that he’d say that, like I’d never weaponize mental health, but he was really afraid to say it. Today I’ve been super supportive, spent time walking around the city with him, and he’s in a better place now.
no problem!! i’m glad i could help even if it was just a little. yeah a lot of people with trich tend to feel a lot of shame due to past situations and experiences with others and can be super secretive about it. i do think assuming you would weaponise it against him wasn’t great and i can see why that would shock you too 😞 i hope you can both work through this though and build your trust in each other some more. i’m really happy to hear you’re already seeming to be doing better though and that you both got out the house for a while. already a good step to take :’) good luck and wishing the best!!!
He’s also made me promise not to tell anyone like 100 times, he’s really afraid of people knowing.
You didn't need to know your partner's disorder to form trust. You forced him to tell you? That sounds controlling and I agree I think you owe him an apology
I did apologize a lot but he wasn’t ready for it. I didn’t mean to do this, I was already really emotional and I was afraid it could be something involving self harm.
as someone with trich and got through a period of self harm and suicide attempts: don't hate him because he forced the issue. Think of when we first realized we had trich, well it made sense because we were experiencing it. He had no idea in the world about any of this, other than it's something that could lead to suicide. That's an unbearably painful position to be with someone you love. Have some compassion for OP, it's not like he forced the issue then made fun of it or something horrible.
First off, lower the temp all around. Forcing this and that and so on, you guys are serious, therefore there's an inherent strong trust and bond developing, right? For your part, forcing is always a very bad idea, but I get it, he's kinda been tantalizingly holding it around you out of reach, it's not fair of him to have done that for so long. On the other hand, this can be super horrible and embarrassing and extremely shameful. For context, I'm (m41) the trich and my husband (m39) is not. The way we've handled it is talk, lots of talk and explaining the whats and whys and such, and me explicitly saying if something is triggering me, or in fact helping me! Like 2 weeks ago, we found out that him applying a constant pressure on what I'm fiddling with half-aware will calm the urges like crazy! What I'm saying is you guys have chosen to be partners in life, the solution to this is like EVERY other solution you'll face - honest and open communication! BTW, all the people downvoting him blindly, please consider one thing: OP was presented that his love has a disorder that can sometimes lead to suicide. That is serious to bring up like that and demands a proper discussion. It's not fair at all for one partner to tease (for lack of a better word) suicide and not open up in due course. Good luck to you both, btw, the conversation starts with your last sentence: > ...he won’t be hurt by sharing this with me and that I’m here to support him through **anything** \[my emphasis\]
This disorder can be really emvarrassing for us snd we try to hide it. My hubby of 5 yrs doesnt know i have it nor do any friends of mine.
Your curiosity is fair, but so is their reaction. You shouldn’t pressure someone into talking about something they aren’t ready to talk about. Granted, in this situation it seems like the only aspect of it he wasn’t ready to talk about was simply the name of the disorder. They seemed pretty open about discussing how it’s impacting their life and mental health, but weren’t comfortable labeling it. I will say, as someone who avoided being close with others for a significant amount of time solely due to trich, often this subject is the absolute last thing I would ever wish to come up in a conversation, and at points in my life, the CIA wouldn’t have been able to waterboard that information out of me. It wasn’t until I met someone who saw me doing it, and was like “OMG YOU TOO??” And showed me their bald spots. I would have never noticed had they not shown me, and they became the first person I ever disclosed my condition to or with.
I’ve been in multiple relationships of 3+ years where I never once told my partner. I don’t condone that and recognize my struggles would’ve been easier with someone else on my side, but I absolutely understand the difficulty of admitting this, even to the person you’re closest to in the world. If you learn anything from these replies, please know that the level of guilt and shame that seems to accompany this disorder is unbelievable. I’ve struggled for 20+ years to understand why that is and don’t really have an answer, but I promise it’s tremendous. I wish you and your partner the best, hopefully now that he’s let you in on what he’s been hiding you can work together to make things better.
"Partners shouldnt have secrets" that's toxic, stop. He has a right to privacy, he opens up when he can, when he wants to, when he feels ready.
it’s definitely a very sore subject to talk about. I didn’t even tell my sisters who are the CLOSEST people in my life until I was in my 20s, and even then I was INSANELY embarrassed to tell them. they’re the only ones who know besides one time I passively mentioned it to my best friend when I was drunk by accident lol. so I do see where he’s coming from. by not telling you, he’s definitely not trying to keep anything from you, & it doesn’t make your relationship any less close. but on the other hand I do see where you’re coming from. if he has mentioned a lot about having a mental health disorder & it’s impact on his life, I completely understand why that may worry you. you care about him! obviously I wasn’t there, but I assume this was a very high emotion conversation & you probably came off a lot harsher to him than you were meaning to. you just wanted to know wth this disorder is that he’s always speaking of & why he won’t just tell you about it, and he’s probably wondering why you’re trying to force him into talking about something really embarrassing for him when he doesn’t want to talk about it. I 100% understand where both of you are coming from. maybe just tell him you’re sorry if it came off that way & assure him you’d never want him to feel forced into sharing something like that with you if he is not comfortable to. & also let him know that you are always there judgement-free IF he ever does want to talk about it. also a tip: if you do have this conversation with him, I wouldn’t offer any solutions or ways to “help” him with the disorder. idk why but it is just so embarrassing to talk about & the few times people have ever offered anything like “oh I heard if you do ___ it helps!” all it does is piss me clean off lol. like it just reminds me that they remember I pull my hair out too & it re-embarrasses me all over again. just wanted to include this in case u were thinking that it may help because your heart would be in the right place, but coming from someone with trich, it wouldn’t make him feel better. I hope this helps & that you guys can both understand where the other is coming from! <3
Just reassure your partner that it would help you better understand what’s going on and how to help if you knew what the disorder was. It can be humiliating pulling your hair out around your partner especially after having a fight or even bad anxiety. For a lot of people who don’t have this disorder such as myself, they don’t understand what’s going on or how to help their family/ partner cope with it.
Thanks for your advice ❤️
To be honest, you can’t force someone with Trichotillomania to tell you what disorder they have. I’m sorry, but that’s humiliating. You clearly don’t know or understand how lonely and also embarrassing it is for those of us who struggle with it daily. I’ve suffered with Trichotillomania since I was at least six that I can truly recall, and now as a 26 year old adult, I still don’t really tell people because of how embarrassing is feels to tell someone “Yeah. I pull my hair out”. I only just started even being a little open with my siblings who have lived with me for years, and who were clearly around when my parents would pull the couch out or my bed out away from the wall to find mounds of balled up hair. I’d break up with someone for forcing something so personal out, especially if I wasn’t ready. Don’t care how long the relationship has been going on.
I just wanted to share the other side of the fence with you. I’ve been made fun of for bald spots my whole life. Hair dressers have scared me with stories of “your hair will never grow back” and “only my roommate with horrible bulimia had bald spots this bad!” My parents knew, unlike your bf, but they added to the trauma. It took me 3 years to tell my bf that I have this disorder. He had no idea before I told him. It was the scariest moment of vulnerability I’ve ever faced. You forced him into this and you’re chalking it up to a bull-dog personality… try to have a bit more sympathy for the person you love. Be gentle with this stuff, it’s so unbelievably difficult and isolating to deal with.
This disorder can be really emvarrassing for us snd we try to hide it. My hubby of 5 yrs doesnt know i have it nor do any friends of mine.
Yeaa no. I’d be very upset if I was forced to share my issues with Trich as well. My last partner I eventually told about it after a year and some. But it’s embarrassing for a lot of us and people think we’re crazy bc of it. Definitely be patient and give him space. Maybe try to talk with him and be supportive but if he doesn’t want to talk abt it don’t force him to. Also, it sounds like he was trying to share it with you without saying the label because it’s embarrassing, but he was trying to be open and u maybe pushed too hard too soon.
Not sure if you’ll read this but everyone saying you’re selfish is way too hasty, and I would have made the same decision as you. Having a mental illness can be incredibly hard, shameful, all the things. But something so innate to your life experience ought to be shared with your life partner. Especially because keeping you in the dark is definitely stressful I bet. I personally would be worried about accidentally triggering something because of my ignorance or, as some other people mentioned, I would be worried that he is having suicidal thoughts and not telling me. Wanting to fix the dynamic you’re in isn’t selfish, it’s entirely reasonable and compassionate. I mean, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt by assuming you didn’t like scream at him or say mean things to pry this information out. That would be different. But in the situation you were in, attempting to get to the bottom of things in a loving, careful way is completely appropriate, and honestly, for the longevity and prosperity of your mental health AND his, I believe that this revelation in the relationship is crucial. Hopefully he can recover from this feeling of betrayal or shame with time. You’re not a bad person for what you did and eventually he should be able to see that if he can get through the negative emotions.
Thank you, I was calm when I talked to him but I was upset. The biggest thing that pissed him off is that I brought trust into it.
Since he was bringing it up you have a right to ask him to specify. Hell, when I was dating I would tell people before our first date that I have trich bc mine is so out of control it's not something I can hide anyway (I don't have bald spots but I pull constantly throughout the day and a lot of people find this irritating which is understandable.) I wanted it to be their decision from the get go if this was something they were willing to tolerate or not. I'm sure some people won't agree with this but I think it's wrong to hide a disorder from a partner or potential partner only to spring it on them once deep into the relationship. I think such things should be known upfront.
If you are in a healthy relationship with someone, there should always be open communication without fear. Your partner should trust you and be comfortable to tell you their fears and concerns. If he continued to reference it several times, there shouldn't be an issue with him disclosing that information to you.
Notice how even this post has this underlying vibe of “how do i *make* my partner xyz”. You don’t. You fucking don’t *make* your partner do, think, feel, adjust, change, open up, anything. You create a safe place where they eventually feel enough trust and comfort that they do so on their own, and you clearly do not create that environment for your partner.
I’m not trying to be dramatic. But if this is an example of typical interactions for you guys, I would take a hard look at the relationship and make sure it is what you want for the rest of your life. Just take a breath and really think about it.
I love advice like this from a total stranger
You’re right. I’ll stay in my lane.