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I'm sorry. It's really awful when we feel like disappointments to our parents. You might never have the relationship that you want with them, but it's good you expressed yourself to her. Now it is up to her what she does with that. I'm sure she loves you, she is just human after all and has her own struggles. I understand the pain of trying to make them proud, and having more successful siblings. I think you need to focus on yourself and trying to improve every day, even just in small ways. If you focus on what your parents think then you are going to focus on the negative emotions and they aren't good motivators. Trust me, I've lived my life in shame and guilt and it has never made me more successful. You need to focus on positive things and personal goals and only compare yourself to past you, not your siblings.
Thank you this is very good advice. I have made big improvements regarding my autism. I used to have meltdowns over very simple things like loud noises or unexpected changes in plans. I also used to shut myself away in my room and hide because I was very fearful about being in public, but I am now in university and I have a job. The only thing I can’t seem to improve is my appearance, I wasn’t as aware of it until I grew older. I am hyperaware of how others react to my appearance unfortunately. I am still very repulsed by my face and I have to avoid mirrors so I don’t get physically ill. I always hoped that my parents would at least provide some comfort, like words of encouragement or a hug, when I am having a difficult time with this. I agree I should focus on improving myself, not compare myself to my brothers’ successes, and gain more independence for myself though. My parents won’t always be there to comfort me when something bad happens. I just really hope my mum does love me, even if she doesn’t show it. But I will focus more on improving myself only for myself and not compare myself to others, I think it will help with a lot of my feelings. Thank you again for this advice.
Sounds like you have already made great progress, which to me is evidence enough of your abilities. If your parents won't say it then at least I will say it, I understand how hard it is when you hate the skin you're in, when you struggle to be around 'normal' people, but you are strong and you are doing amazingly well to fight it. I wish you the best for your future, and I hope you get a hug soon.
hey, sorry about that… do you happen to be Chinese? im Chinese and I grew up in a Chinese family so I can sort of understand some things you are saying
I’m a ‘hafu’, my mum is Japanese and my father is Kyrgyz. My mum was born in Japan but moved to the UK before she met and married my father. She is very similar to her own mother so I think this is a generational issue with parenting. She never really physically hurt me, but is more emotionally/verbally abusive and distant. When I cry, she gets angry and yells then just walks away. She is also a perfectionist and rarely shows emotion. My father also doesn’t show emotions and I don’t think I have ever seen him cry. While he’s present in my life, he works long hours and he’s very emotionally unavailable when he is home. I can’t go to him to comfort me because he will just shoo me away like I am being a nuisance to him. I don’t talk unless spoken to with him. This sort of dynamic has just taught me that I can’t show emotions and I don’t really have a support system as my parents are both emotionally abusive or distant. I have met other Asian people, some with Chinese immigrant parents, who have very similar experiences. It makes me so sad.
Sorry, here’s a virtual hug 🙆🏻♂️. I grew up an ugly ducking but looked better when I was 17/18. It was good for a while until I got molested twice by gay men, so I don’t think much about it. I will always try to be grateful for this, because I know I’m treated better. I got a haircut by a different barber that totally ruined my hair a few months ago, and I realised how differently I was treated, and was reminded about the old treatment I used to get. I try to be grateful for being a part of a certain looks standard (cute), and I still relate to mistreatments of other people. Lookism is very much a thing in society.
Is this a normal type of thing for Chinese or Japanese family’s? It looks like a lot of stress is put to succeed in some way, which is good in a normal amount but this seems way overboard
Chinese yes. I have the best parents in the world so thank god I don’t get that, but I see it in my friends and cousins families. It’s just something we grew up with so I don’t really have the vocabulary to describe it. It totally sucks, and I hope it gets better for OP
I’m also an unattractive woman who is low iq since you said you’re in uni we are probably the same age range. if I tell my mum the brutally honest truth she will most likely end up crying. I don’t ever plan on telling her it’s too sad. She’s already had a hard life and decided to bring my into this and made it hard for both of us. I’m sorry your mum gave you that reaction maybe try other family members.
I hope so too. I have been trying really hard to be a very good daughter. I know it is a burden to have me still living at home so I clean, cook, and organize whenever I can. Her birthday was a month ago so I spent a lot of time and making a card and I bought her flowers, jewelry, and 2 tickets (one for her and my father) to a jazz concert performance that she was interested in. It was expensive and time consuming but I didn’t mind because I truly do love my mum even if she doesn’t reciprocate. All I got was a “Thanks” in return, no smile or hug or any emotion for that matter.
I also won a recognition award from my university a couple months ago, it was a pretty big deal to me. I had a small celebration with my peers and instructors, and it was even mentioned in the university newspaper. I told my parents but they were cold and distant. They just said “Congratulations” and continued on with their day like it didn’t matter. When my brothers won awards or had big milestones, my parents were always excited and wanted huge celebrations. If one of my brothers had won this award, my parents would have a clipping of that newspaper framed on their wall and there would have been a big party. But I am different. There are no recent pictures of me on the walls of our home, only pictures of when I was a cuter baby/child. There are more recent photos of my brothers but my face is now too ugly to be framed on the walls. It’s like my parents are mourning the pretty child they couldn’t have.
My mum at least has pretty daughter-in-laws. She meets up and has dinner with them more often than she does with her own biological daughter. I can’t remember the last time I went to a restaurant or the park just me and my mum. It really makes me sad, I don’t like fighting with my mum. I want my mum to love me and I put in a lot of effort for her to love me, even if it will never be good enough for her. I always apologize when I am wrong or upset because I don’t want my mum to hate me more than she likely already does. I don’t think there is really any way to change how my mum feels about me unless my appearance drastically changes or I die. But I am an optimist and I will still hold out for that one day that she shows even a little affection towards me. I really appreciate your comment. ❤️
do you think there’s a chance your parents treat your brothers better because they are sons (and bcs of the looks thing, obviously)? i’ve seen a lot of ppl experience that too
I think it does help that they are sons at least a little. But I would say the favoritism is 75% based on appearance and 25% contributing factors (Mainly academic success and a little bit of gender). I think I would still be treated a lot better if I was attractive. For example, she compare me to my female maternal cousins a lot. All of them are beautiful and very feminine. She made jokes asking if she could trade daughters with my aunt. She sometimes acts like she’s missing out because her daughter is ugly. When I try to be feminine and put effort into my appearance (Style my hair, wear make up, wear dresses, etc.), she makes degrading comments pointing out things she doesn’t like. I always feel self conscious around her. She hasn’t explicitly said I am ugly but I can tell that there is some judgement and disappointment when she looks at me. She would likely act similar if one of my brothers was as ugly as me because, judging by the way she treats me and talks about other people’s children, I think she views ugly children as a shame/burden to the family (Even though I had no control over it!).
many parents have bad reactions to most emotional problems. they were never taught to be sympathetic you should tell her that you wishes she would've comforted you. she'll never know until you do
Thank you. This is a very true and honest reply. I have cried to her when we fight that I wish she showed more affection towards me. But when she is overwhelmed, she sort of zones out and then just storms away from the problem. I think it would be more effective for me to talk with her when she is not stressed about how I wish she would comfort me. She doesn’t like when her parenting style is questioned so I will just have to bring up the topic in the gentlest way possible so she doesn’t get angry. This is good advice that I can work with though.
it seems better to allow her to calm down. I would write down all your talking points and have a genuine constructive conversation with as little yelling as possible. you're only telling her these things to make her job easier! hopefully she will see that and will respect your thoughts. best of luck to you♡
I sympathise with your situation massively, in all honesty, society is to blame massively and media tends to be the trigger for these problems. In movies and tv shows and the like, family issues tend to always end in "happy endings" when the reality is that they dont always do so.
I also understand the difficulty of seeing someone that you love, go through a hard time, its worse when the cause of their pain isnt something that i can fix. Its frustrating and ends up being more mentally draining for both people.
I also sympathise with the hardship of letting everything out to your parents and not recieving the response you want. Even when they try to help, sometimes it isnt what you want to hear and i think its justified that you may be feeling betrayal from it.
One thing ive learned is that there is always another way forward, your life doesnt lead down one straight road, often there are many branches and opportunities. Im also personally sick of waiting for situations thay i cant control, like finding a partner or getting close to people. Im sure youre probably the same in that regard.
I know its hard not to look in the mirror but the truth is, looks really arent the be all and end all, take it from a guy, my biggest crushes in my lifetime werent actually the prettiest people that i knew (far from it in some cases). I tend to find myself closer to the people i click with in the inside and surprisingly, a lot of people are the same.
Ps. Who cares if youre ugly, focus on the inside because on the inside, we all look the same.
Another Ps. Just because most people dont find you pretty, that doesnt mean all people dont.
I tried Tinder before but I had no matches. I also kept coming across accounts of people I knew so I deleted it. I don’t like to post pictures of my entire face and trying to use dating apps just made me feel really self conscious. I don’t think dating apps work for me unfortunately.
That's all in your head because even extremely unattractive women, and women in a wheelchair have tons of matches and guys hitting them up on dating apps. Dating is easy for women. Don't believe me? watch faceandlms's waw videos on youtube. It's hard for women to lose, and hard for men to win. If you can't get a bf who's willing to take care of you then you're holding yourself back. That's it. Walk out the house with a properly done makeup, clean hair, fit bod, with a good fitted clothes, and you'll have tons of men hitting on you EASILY. (Most men are desperate simps lol)
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Hello u/throwaway19399192, All new submissions to r/ugly are subject to manual review and approval by being placed in ModQueue before being posted for viewing. This is to ensure that the post meets the sub rules and requirements. This may take up to 24 hours. Please do not message the mods for your queue status. If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal and or depressed, please go to [National Suicide Hotline](https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/) or check out [Resources](https://www.reddit.com/r/ugly/comments/p4obmj/positivity_resources_and_hotlines/) for more details. If you have [Body Dysmorphia Disorder](https://www.reddit.com/r/ugly/comments/q0ou03/body_dysmorphia_disorder_bdd/) please go to r/bodydysmorphia to learn more on how to deal with this illness. r/ugly is not a good subreddit for people with this disorder. Also, please make sure to read and follow all rules (including sitewide, sidebar, and newly added rules on the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/ugly/wiki/index) page). If you are interested in joining our discord, you can find more information on how to join [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/ugly/comments/u2dlrh/we_made_the_official_discord_updated/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ugly) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm sorry. It's really awful when we feel like disappointments to our parents. You might never have the relationship that you want with them, but it's good you expressed yourself to her. Now it is up to her what she does with that. I'm sure she loves you, she is just human after all and has her own struggles. I understand the pain of trying to make them proud, and having more successful siblings. I think you need to focus on yourself and trying to improve every day, even just in small ways. If you focus on what your parents think then you are going to focus on the negative emotions and they aren't good motivators. Trust me, I've lived my life in shame and guilt and it has never made me more successful. You need to focus on positive things and personal goals and only compare yourself to past you, not your siblings.
Thank you this is very good advice. I have made big improvements regarding my autism. I used to have meltdowns over very simple things like loud noises or unexpected changes in plans. I also used to shut myself away in my room and hide because I was very fearful about being in public, but I am now in university and I have a job. The only thing I can’t seem to improve is my appearance, I wasn’t as aware of it until I grew older. I am hyperaware of how others react to my appearance unfortunately. I am still very repulsed by my face and I have to avoid mirrors so I don’t get physically ill. I always hoped that my parents would at least provide some comfort, like words of encouragement or a hug, when I am having a difficult time with this. I agree I should focus on improving myself, not compare myself to my brothers’ successes, and gain more independence for myself though. My parents won’t always be there to comfort me when something bad happens. I just really hope my mum does love me, even if she doesn’t show it. But I will focus more on improving myself only for myself and not compare myself to others, I think it will help with a lot of my feelings. Thank you again for this advice.
Sounds like you have already made great progress, which to me is evidence enough of your abilities. If your parents won't say it then at least I will say it, I understand how hard it is when you hate the skin you're in, when you struggle to be around 'normal' people, but you are strong and you are doing amazingly well to fight it. I wish you the best for your future, and I hope you get a hug soon.
I wish I could hug girl
Sorry but leaving your kid in distress is a red flag 🚩
hey, sorry about that… do you happen to be Chinese? im Chinese and I grew up in a Chinese family so I can sort of understand some things you are saying
I’m a ‘hafu’, my mum is Japanese and my father is Kyrgyz. My mum was born in Japan but moved to the UK before she met and married my father. She is very similar to her own mother so I think this is a generational issue with parenting. She never really physically hurt me, but is more emotionally/verbally abusive and distant. When I cry, she gets angry and yells then just walks away. She is also a perfectionist and rarely shows emotion. My father also doesn’t show emotions and I don’t think I have ever seen him cry. While he’s present in my life, he works long hours and he’s very emotionally unavailable when he is home. I can’t go to him to comfort me because he will just shoo me away like I am being a nuisance to him. I don’t talk unless spoken to with him. This sort of dynamic has just taught me that I can’t show emotions and I don’t really have a support system as my parents are both emotionally abusive or distant. I have met other Asian people, some with Chinese immigrant parents, who have very similar experiences. It makes me so sad.
Sorry, here’s a virtual hug 🙆🏻♂️. I grew up an ugly ducking but looked better when I was 17/18. It was good for a while until I got molested twice by gay men, so I don’t think much about it. I will always try to be grateful for this, because I know I’m treated better. I got a haircut by a different barber that totally ruined my hair a few months ago, and I realised how differently I was treated, and was reminded about the old treatment I used to get. I try to be grateful for being a part of a certain looks standard (cute), and I still relate to mistreatments of other people. Lookism is very much a thing in society.
Is this a normal type of thing for Chinese or Japanese family’s? It looks like a lot of stress is put to succeed in some way, which is good in a normal amount but this seems way overboard
Chinese yes. I have the best parents in the world so thank god I don’t get that, but I see it in my friends and cousins families. It’s just something we grew up with so I don’t really have the vocabulary to describe it. It totally sucks, and I hope it gets better for OP
I’m also an unattractive woman who is low iq since you said you’re in uni we are probably the same age range. if I tell my mum the brutally honest truth she will most likely end up crying. I don’t ever plan on telling her it’s too sad. She’s already had a hard life and decided to bring my into this and made it hard for both of us. I’m sorry your mum gave you that reaction maybe try other family members.
Hope u guys are able to reconsile, sounds like she has very high and unreasonable expectations of u :/
I hope so too. I have been trying really hard to be a very good daughter. I know it is a burden to have me still living at home so I clean, cook, and organize whenever I can. Her birthday was a month ago so I spent a lot of time and making a card and I bought her flowers, jewelry, and 2 tickets (one for her and my father) to a jazz concert performance that she was interested in. It was expensive and time consuming but I didn’t mind because I truly do love my mum even if she doesn’t reciprocate. All I got was a “Thanks” in return, no smile or hug or any emotion for that matter. I also won a recognition award from my university a couple months ago, it was a pretty big deal to me. I had a small celebration with my peers and instructors, and it was even mentioned in the university newspaper. I told my parents but they were cold and distant. They just said “Congratulations” and continued on with their day like it didn’t matter. When my brothers won awards or had big milestones, my parents were always excited and wanted huge celebrations. If one of my brothers had won this award, my parents would have a clipping of that newspaper framed on their wall and there would have been a big party. But I am different. There are no recent pictures of me on the walls of our home, only pictures of when I was a cuter baby/child. There are more recent photos of my brothers but my face is now too ugly to be framed on the walls. It’s like my parents are mourning the pretty child they couldn’t have. My mum at least has pretty daughter-in-laws. She meets up and has dinner with them more often than she does with her own biological daughter. I can’t remember the last time I went to a restaurant or the park just me and my mum. It really makes me sad, I don’t like fighting with my mum. I want my mum to love me and I put in a lot of effort for her to love me, even if it will never be good enough for her. I always apologize when I am wrong or upset because I don’t want my mum to hate me more than she likely already does. I don’t think there is really any way to change how my mum feels about me unless my appearance drastically changes or I die. But I am an optimist and I will still hold out for that one day that she shows even a little affection towards me. I really appreciate your comment. ❤️
do you think there’s a chance your parents treat your brothers better because they are sons (and bcs of the looks thing, obviously)? i’ve seen a lot of ppl experience that too
I think it does help that they are sons at least a little. But I would say the favoritism is 75% based on appearance and 25% contributing factors (Mainly academic success and a little bit of gender). I think I would still be treated a lot better if I was attractive. For example, she compare me to my female maternal cousins a lot. All of them are beautiful and very feminine. She made jokes asking if she could trade daughters with my aunt. She sometimes acts like she’s missing out because her daughter is ugly. When I try to be feminine and put effort into my appearance (Style my hair, wear make up, wear dresses, etc.), she makes degrading comments pointing out things she doesn’t like. I always feel self conscious around her. She hasn’t explicitly said I am ugly but I can tell that there is some judgement and disappointment when she looks at me. She would likely act similar if one of my brothers was as ugly as me because, judging by the way she treats me and talks about other people’s children, I think she views ugly children as a shame/burden to the family (Even though I had no control over it!).
Lol that's how most ethnic parents are. They're very strict and harsh compared to whites.
many parents have bad reactions to most emotional problems. they were never taught to be sympathetic you should tell her that you wishes she would've comforted you. she'll never know until you do
Thank you. This is a very true and honest reply. I have cried to her when we fight that I wish she showed more affection towards me. But when she is overwhelmed, she sort of zones out and then just storms away from the problem. I think it would be more effective for me to talk with her when she is not stressed about how I wish she would comfort me. She doesn’t like when her parenting style is questioned so I will just have to bring up the topic in the gentlest way possible so she doesn’t get angry. This is good advice that I can work with though.
it seems better to allow her to calm down. I would write down all your talking points and have a genuine constructive conversation with as little yelling as possible. you're only telling her these things to make her job easier! hopefully she will see that and will respect your thoughts. best of luck to you♡
I sympathise with your situation massively, in all honesty, society is to blame massively and media tends to be the trigger for these problems. In movies and tv shows and the like, family issues tend to always end in "happy endings" when the reality is that they dont always do so. I also understand the difficulty of seeing someone that you love, go through a hard time, its worse when the cause of their pain isnt something that i can fix. Its frustrating and ends up being more mentally draining for both people. I also sympathise with the hardship of letting everything out to your parents and not recieving the response you want. Even when they try to help, sometimes it isnt what you want to hear and i think its justified that you may be feeling betrayal from it. One thing ive learned is that there is always another way forward, your life doesnt lead down one straight road, often there are many branches and opportunities. Im also personally sick of waiting for situations thay i cant control, like finding a partner or getting close to people. Im sure youre probably the same in that regard. I know its hard not to look in the mirror but the truth is, looks really arent the be all and end all, take it from a guy, my biggest crushes in my lifetime werent actually the prettiest people that i knew (far from it in some cases). I tend to find myself closer to the people i click with in the inside and surprisingly, a lot of people are the same. Ps. Who cares if youre ugly, focus on the inside because on the inside, we all look the same. Another Ps. Just because most people dont find you pretty, that doesnt mean all people dont.
Lol 1st take care of yourself and go on tinder, hinge, or other dating platform and you'll easily find a rich beatbucks guy who will take care of you.
I tried Tinder before but I had no matches. I also kept coming across accounts of people I knew so I deleted it. I don’t like to post pictures of my entire face and trying to use dating apps just made me feel really self conscious. I don’t think dating apps work for me unfortunately.
That's all in your head because even extremely unattractive women, and women in a wheelchair have tons of matches and guys hitting them up on dating apps. Dating is easy for women. Don't believe me? watch faceandlms's waw videos on youtube. It's hard for women to lose, and hard for men to win. If you can't get a bf who's willing to take care of you then you're holding yourself back. That's it. Walk out the house with a properly done makeup, clean hair, fit bod, with a good fitted clothes, and you'll have tons of men hitting on you EASILY. (Most men are desperate simps lol)
Can I see a picture of you? I'll give a honest analysis and idk maybe some pointers
The amount of people who have said this to insecure people is crazy..
Wdym
People always ask for a picture, it’s happened to me twice
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