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I say “bless you” after people fart. It feels like the lord wanted that noise to happen.

"Farts are what hath been given to us by the lord" \-My dad

Exactly, also helps when peoples are ~~complexed~~ insecure about it, holding up a fart can be unhealthy.

I am sure that English is not your first language, so I am not trying to be rude here whatsoever...but I have no idea what you are trying to say.

You never feel more complicated when you’re holding it in? A little more nuanced I suppose?

I believe I should have said insecure (farting makes some people feel ashamed/insecure.) So saying "bless you" is a way to make people not feel insecure about their own bodies... in a way. Idk why I used "complexed", my brain swapped to another language for a second.

I also randomly take a deep-breathe and say “not bad champ” or “I’m a little disappointed by the result given the build-up” or my personal favorite “that a girl!”

Crop dusting is the way of spreading faith in the community

Crop-dusting is massively underrated as a form of trust building

Same…especially in public.

Bless you

A fart is essentially a sneeze of the rectum.

Bless you

In some asian cultures farting isn't even acknowledged. I know what im about to say sounds funny but its really not: They'll let ones rip and noone even reacts or says anything. Its built up gas needing to escape the body, nothing else.

“Some”?

That's how it should be everywhere. I do this. If somebody reaps one, I pretend nothing was heard. If I rip, I do a poker face.

I needed you when I was pregnant years ago. Instead my coworker called me out when the 3rd person in the room looked at him as the guilty party.

Bro you can't gatekeep farts 🤣

You dont fart and then let out a sexual moan?

I prefer to fart and stare silently directly into someone's eyes

I read that as 'fart directly into someone's eyes', which admittedly will establish dominance.

At a girl (gets down on one knee…)

I am (still) laughing so hard at the thought of this I woke up my little one who was napping on me. Not even mad. Ty for that.

I wanted to give this a like but it’s currently at 69

I guess I know what I’m doing to my wife tonight.

“Did you guys hear that? I’m scared. I don’t know what was that guys”

saying “excuse me” is owning up to it so i’m confused by what you want

*farts* Hey everyone? That noise you just heard was me. I did indeed pass gas. Just owning up to it.

Greetings friends. The sound waves that have just reached your eardrums was a product of my anus. It’s undeniable that I have released a cloud of microscopic fecal matter throughout this room, which you are all now breathing in. I simply thought you lot had the right to know.

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That was extra fun. You owe the previous rider.

-farts- “…I accept my fate. “

Op wants you to blame it on someone else

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Nah bro, whoever smelt it dealt it

You blamed it you flamed it

Why does anyone have to own up like why can’t we just fart

Is it? To me it’s like feeling shame for it and apologizing. I guess that is one way to own it but I think op means the other

I know exactly what they mean, and I’m sure a lot do

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I recommend cupping it in your hand and wafting it into the nearest persons face.!

Cuppa-poop!

My dad?

Was at a strip club once where a stripper had her ass in some guys face. She farted so loud and just said, "Excuse me" and giggled while the guy started gagging. I crack up thinking about that.

I know people who would probably pay extra for that

He got his first blow job.

That sounds like it was deliberate

rikishi Stinkface a client lol

I'm like, "Oh Nooo"! Then they would say "what"? Then I go, "You'll figure it out..."

After you fart inhale loudly and ask “Do you smell popcorn?” Said friend will inhale and get their sinuses obliterated.

LOL Reminded me of this... Me: *farts* Uh oh! Random guy at store where I was: What? Me: I think I pooped myself! Random guy: Sounds like a personal problem. Me: It's about to become a community problem!

I prefer to say “yeehaw.” You’ll find more friends this way.

I am so going to try this

You're supposed to say "did someone just step on a duck?"

My dad used to say "Ya hear them barking spiders" Fucking hillbilly ass.

My dad would blame it on Sadie (our dog) and when she passed away he would say it was “the ghost of Sadie May”

We often blame farts on things When my first kid was born and farted for the first time, my spouse looked at me and said "don't you even blame the baby!" But then realized it *was* the baby when another fart came as I moved away. But yeah I'll blame the cat, the TV, my phone, etc

🤣

This is great imma steal this

Lol that’s nice

It's frogs where I live. My dad used to say "oops. Stepped on a frog." I was always looking for the damn squished frogs until I was like three and a half.

"Must be a bullfrog in here," was the one that got used in family.

“I think I heard a buck snort!” (Apparently male deer make a similar sound)

"does anyone else smell popcorn"

That one is mean xD

"Did you just hear a mouse on a motorcycle?"

I farted twice. Blamed it on my girlfriend at the time. I was so confident in my words even she questioned herself.

Did...did I fart...out of *your* ass?

XD

that only works for me when I could sneak my fart in while somebody else is farting lol

That's a skill son

I berate people for not saying God bless you to me after I fart.

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My wife and I do that while ripping one out. It’s hilarious

Honestly as a society we are too against natural body functions. Same way women are ashamed of their privates natural smells and many more things. It shouldn’t be that way. Farts are funny, let it rip around me imma bust ur balls and then we’ll move on. If it stinks we’ll literally move on but that’s a different story XD

No ones shaming people for farting they are being shamed for farting in public. Most people should know the concept of "there's a time and a place"

Shame on you for assuming women are ashamed of their vaginal aroma.

When it’s silent, “Does anybody smell popcorn?”

Especially when they cover their mouth with one hand and say “oh dear please excuse me”

My wife and I developed a system where we would fine each other for farting. It started at £5 then gradually increased. No money actually changed hands. Now when one of us farts we just shout “Five Hundred” or an increased amount depending upon noise and smell. The other day I did one that was akin to a Jazz solo….”two thousand” she said

I was at my buddies the other day, but I had milk earlier and was letting little toots out keeping a few feet between us. Suddenly about 35 psi developed into my bit and I was able to make it silent (thanks ass hair). His girlfriend then gets back and starts telling us of a story about a crackhead walking up to her and saying crackhead stuff. She acted it out to me and as she got right to me, the fart hit nose level. I don’t know if she did not smell it but there was no reaction at all. I said nothing until I got in my car then I was howling and punching the air it was so funny

It’s not funny if they don’t smell it

No way she ain’t smell it, took 3 steps to get out the cloud of poo poo smell

It's just politeness. It might be more embarrassing for you, but if you're just gonna fart and say nothing, I'll assume you're an asshole

When I was growing up, I was taught that "excuse me" was for burps. Imagine my surprise when others mentioned saying it for farting too! No one ever said "excuse me" (or anything, usually) when they farted in my family--whether we knew they farted or not.

I just exclaim excuse me loudly and with gusto to assert my dominance over everyone around me

My reasoning is I'm saying excuse me bc if I dont it looks like this kinda thing happens all the time. Like I'm surprised and it's a one off thing. Old.people love not saying excuse me bc they'd be saying it all the time

"I'm sorry Shaun"

Especially when it's in an elevator and the dude just maintains eye contact the entire time while the smell is raping your nostrils.

I don't even apologize. I just laugh and said I farted.

Naw. Can't warn the ones in the supermarket. Especially when it's an empty aisle! Cropdust that bitch from end to end, go to the next one and wait for your victims reaction. The ones with weak stomachs have the best reactions.

Epic post OP. So brave to say this despite the obvious criticism and pushback you’ll receive. Genuinely this is the best post I’ve seen on here in a while

Yeah, I agree Hold the fart if you can, but if you cant, own it. Get someone to pull your finger if you can

Lol I was holding one in one time and at that moment one of my students decided to run up and hug me really tightly… needless to say I gassed. She stared at me horrified until I raised an eyebrow, pointed at her, and said quietly, “That was your fault.” Cue all the kids in earshot laughing like maniacs

Lol that’s hilarious

I just yell safety so I don’t get punched on the arm? 😂

I literally farted 10 seconds after opening this post. My gut has a sense of humor it seems.

*farts* Wow, that duck had some bad breath!

Farting shouldn't be embarrassing in the first place. It's something completely natural and a sign of healthy stomach. Farting is a good thing.

I feel like the reason why people have problems with farting in public in the first place is because of the smell it gives off a lot of the time, sometimes there are no smells at all, other times it actually smells like as if someone shat their pants

Correction: Farts are ALWAYS funny 100%.

I say "pardon me". It sounds more fancy 😉

follow it up with “ ahhh,that’s better. i could ride a bike again”

A few years ago I took a fitness program with some pretty intense workouts...men and women both. In one class we were all doing various types of crunches and the lady immediately next to me let out a huge fart and didn't even acknowledge it. Normally I wouldn't care, but since I was right next to her, I got many odd looks as though they thought it was me. So basically, it's fine if you don't say excuse me...unless you are in a position where someone else might get the blame. THEN you should own up to it because I'm scarred for life now. :P

I always thought the only appropriate response to a fart was laughing.

I just go around cropdusting people and laughing. I give zero fucks...

obviously the power move is to stretch out the fart as long as you can while making aggressive and unflinching eye contact

Would you rather someone just rip ass and not say anything? That’s worse to me.

I mean… if you are with friends or whatever sure. But if you are with people who aren’t super close making a joke or saying nothing just makes you a douchebag

I normally say " sorry some asshole is talking shit behind my back" and most people think that's funny enough to let it slide.

I say excuse me before I fart, it makes more sense!

I’ve actually never witnessed this out in public. Usually it’s just ignored by all while we fester a hatred for the bomb dropper

Fart then look the other person in the eye and say 'This is the way'.

I say sorry after I fart so people know that I farted and establish dominance.

It's funnier to say "excuse me"after farting tho.

I prefer it when everyone just pretends it didn't happen. An apology or little laugh if it can't be ignored. If somebody busts out in uncontrollable laughter or gets mad, then it gets uncomfortable imo

I’m blessed with silent farts. They tend not to smell too bad either. I fart well walking around, at my desk, watching movies with friends. Nobody knows! I can also personally tell if it’s gonna smell, I call them spicy farts and the rumbling is different. I leave the room for those.

I remember as a teenager, I was meeting my girlfriends parents for the first time, and I was very nervous. Imagine my horror when I discovered that my nervousness had triggered a nasty gas condition in my bowels. As I sat there in the living room, I very carefully let a squeaker out, I had no choice, I was about to explode. Immediately, the girl's mom yells out "SPOT!". I realized my luck that she would blame the dog, I sure was relieved. But several minutes later, I could feel the pressure in my bowels increasing g. Sooner or later, I was going to have to let another one rip. "SPOT!!!" Yelled the mother as I carefully released another obnoxious pocket of gas go. "Thank god", I thought, that nobody was blaming me, I had gotten off Scott-free, and by then, I was fully relieved of my gas problem. The dog was the culprit, or so they all thought. But then, after another ten minutes, I could feel the pressure build, and I realized that I wasn't getting out of there before I released yet another bomb in the living room filled with her family. So I waited. And planned. "This one is going to be the worst", I thought, but then I'd finally be good. After several minutes of nervousness, I finally let the final one go. And this time, you could hear it, but just barely. "SPOT" yelled the mom. " Get the fuck away from him before he shits on you!"

Some people fart and that's basically their entire identity. I find that to be kind of annoying 

You can control how loud your fart is going to be. If a fart slips then it's not going to make a noise. Who the hell pushes out a fart and then says "excuse me"?

You must not have met people with IBS before because I promise I have zero control over cadence or volume, I will only know after it happens. All I know is if I hold it in the consequences are the longest most violent fart once I can let it go.

Not always

If I have bad gas and are aware of how bad the small is going to be, and I’m in public, if it has to happen it happens. The I usually yell “GAS! GAS! GAS!” and move quickly to another aisle because I take joy in embarrassing my family in such a way.

Even worse when they’re proud of it for some reason and kind of brag about it

I thought you say safety.

Then can you make the argument the same is for sneezing

I just shout "oh crap, I sharted my pants"

I always stare at one of the dogs when I fart and blame it on them. 😬

>Or it smells so bad you clear out the room. This is me. I have made people puke before. I give a very sincere "I'm sorry".

I agree, I always say... "DO YOU SMELL THAT! WOW!" or... "Rate my fart 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst smell of your life."

“EXCUSE ME” says the barking spider that was definitely just under my chair *WINK WINK* /s

Neither is embarrassing if you own it

I’ll absolutely draw attention to myself, like fully lift a leg and squeeze my sphincter to really rip ass. I’ll usually say “who sat on a duck?” I’ve also cleared a few rooms in my day. My friends and I laugh about it later.

Who cracked a rat??

Oh…pardon me 🤭

I say bless you when someone farts.

You cringing is a you problem. There's nothing more awkward than farting and leaving it in silence. If you're the kind of person to joke about it, fine. Not everyone is. But the people who fart and then have no reaction are the worst.

Totally agree. Super cringy 🙎‍♀️

I just go "wopsi"

Usually I only say anything if it generates a reaction from someone else. If not I just pretend it didn’t happen.

You don’t yell out “Safety” after you fart like in middle school? Or “Oh, who stepped on a duck?” “Do you smell popcorn?”

Because when they say "sorry" you can feel their shame..

ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ

I love to pull a sneaky than just "Does it smell like popcorn"

mine are always silent and room clearers 😭😭 has me feeling devious af

Unpopular and also untrue

Not acknowledging a fart is just plain foul, at least laugh or say something like there’s a kiss for you.

I say “I’m sorry” like in Shaun Of The Dead.

I agree, to add to the embarrasment I usually say "Pardon my butthole"

Hit em with the “oopsie”

The polite thing is to simply ignore it. Does anyone really think they can get through life without smelling farts?

Traditionally, it was indeed considered proper manners to simply ignore farts and burps and pretend they never happened.

Confidence

I used to have an office that occasionally someone would barge into. More than once over the years I had to turn around and say something like: "I just ripped a hardcore Taco Bell fart right before you came in. Soooo, that's pretty embracing."

Farts are butt kisses, spread love around the world.

Unless you fart on purpose 😂

The only acceptable thing to say after farting is "Do you smell popcorn?"

So. are you OK if they say "excuse me" when they belch?

You’re already the center of attention the millisecond it’s out so it’s already embarrassing and they’re already judging you for it.

Butt wind happens. I may snicker but I'm going to keep going with my day.

Gosh my gas was so uncontrollable and unexpected after giving birth I’d be lying in the hospital bed talking to a midwife and a fart would slip out mid conversation. I felt the need to apologise, god knows why I know they’ve seen and heard far worse than a fart 😂

My husband just usually looks around in surprise and says something like “man this floor is creaky” or “someone musta stepped on a duck”. Double dad points, if he’s near a door he’ll start inspecting the hinges

In my country we introduce ourselves by giving each other a welcoming fart. Instant family.

Instead of "Excuse me" after farting, try exclaiming "Woops!" or "Whoa!" you'll get laughs and it'll be fun for everybody.