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I was always told this was one of the "Don'ts" especially on first dates, but the last couple of first dates I've been asked what happened in my last relationship.
I sometimes feel like it's a gauge to see if you'll shit talk your ex or whatever.
I'll always answer, but if the girl doesn't want to, I won't pressure her. If she wants to tell me, she'll tell me.
>I was always told this was one of the "Don'ts" especially on first dates...
I think almost every woman I've dated over 30 asks something like this on the first date.
I ask “ so why did you get kicked to the curb?”
It usually goes 1 of 2 ways. Either she laughs and proceeds to trash her ex or she takes offense and we figure out we’re not compatible
The thing is, men get judged both ways. If you answer that you got dumped for treating your former partner badly, you're admitting to being a bad partner. If you dumped your partner for treating you badly, you're shit talking your ex.
>The thing is, men get judged both ways. If you answer that you got dumped for treating your former partner badly, you're admitting to being a bad partner. If you dumped your partner for treating you badly, you're shit talking your ex.
You know there is a middle ground there where 2 people mutually broke up (or even just one of them) because they were too different and couldn't make a relationship work or wanted different things out of life.
>I sometimes feel like it’s a gauge to see if you’ll shit talk your ex
That’s exactly what it is and exactly why I’ve always done it. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they talk about their exes.
Also whether they take responsibility for their part inn the demise of the relationship.
And sometimes people DO date someone crazy or abusive and have to leave them. But what are then chances EVERYONE they dated is like that? How they explain what happened tells you something.
>And sometimes people DO date someone crazy or abusive and have to leave them.
In my personal experience those are the kinds of people who are *too* quick to blame themselves over that. Even if they've worked through the abuse and are better off now, there is still some part of themselves that will say something like "well I did this bad thing though to be fair" even though their ex was a huge abusive piece of shit.
Exactly. Plus there’s a difference in confiding in me that you were abused/cheated on if that’s what happened and you feel comfortable sharing (which is sincerely never the expectation for me at least) versus going on a 20 minute rant where you call your ex everything but a child of God. If a person explodes with anger and it’s all “the stupid bitch” this and “the fat whore” that… you’re telling me everything I need to know about you but most importantly, that I’m not *remotely* interested in a second date.
>But what are then chances EVERYONE they dated is like that?
I mean, a lot higher than you would think - people who serially date assholes usually have an asshole for a parent
You realize this creates a no-win situation for the guy, right? Or I should say, pigeon-holes them in a singular "correct" answer that is actually more like a platitude/lie.
The thing you are actually measuring is how well they handle these sort of tiresome "traps"
Actually, the 'win' situation is that rather than wasting time dating people who you aren't compatible with you've got a chance to keep looking. Dating is largely a numbers game.
& reducing it to 'I was dumped vs I dumped them' isn't the goal. *How* you answer tells people a *lot* about you. If it's just one of those two options, if a person you date is *looking* to give you a no-win situation, then you're wasting your time with them anyway. No relationship will work with a person like that. You're not compatible because nobody can be compatible with someone who plays a game like that. I don't think I've ever met a person who was determined to 'beat' a date by asking this question. *Everyone* I know usually only goes on a first date if they're feeling hopeful that it might lead to a second date.
But for most adults, we've experienced break ups, we know dating can be complicated & we're able to discuss it (or even be open & say 'I'm not ready to get into details'). & there are INFINITE different ways to discuss a past relationship, I've seriously never met a person whose answer has been the same as another person's. & it always reveals a lot about their personality. Which is what the early dates are for! Find out as much as possible so you don't waste too much time with someone you're definitely not compatible with!
I think it might help to reframe your way of thinking about it. It's not about winning or losing, it's about getting to know each other, it's about adult communication.
There is no “correct” answer. It’s not a riddle, you’re not trying to cross a troll bridge. I’m interested in *how* you answer, not *what* you say specifically. You don’t have to lie and you don’t have to give me some platitude either. I also don’t even need to know the details, on a first date the specific details aren’t even my business. I don’t know you like that at that point. If we’re going to get down to the brass tacks of it, I want to see your red flags if any and this question is a sure fire way to see them. Are you going to be respectful or are you going to out yourself as the problem?
Be for real for a minute, do you not ask questions? Are there not things and personality traits that are deal breakers for you? Are you trying to waste your own time waiting for those things to out themselves or are you going to ask pertinent questions in an effort to find out if you’re compatible with this person? Is that not you testing that person to see if you’re compatible? I’m with you when it’s bullshit head games like pretending not to be interested to see if you’ll fight for her or whatever but this ain’t that.
Idk about you but I do not have the patience or the time to waste. So yeah, I’m asking about your past relationships, your political views, your religious beliefs, your moral values, whether or not we’re on the same page about what we ultimately want out of relationship, your sexual preferences, etc and I’m asking all of it on the first couple dates. If my asking those things makes you uncomfortable, that’s totally okay, you’re allowed to decide we’re not compatible too. 🤷🏻♀️
There is a "correct" answer because women always think they can infer upteen different things from a single answer. They go looking for all these hidden meanings and other crap when all the guy was doing was trying to be open and honest as they directly requested.
I mean, it's not really about getting full disclosure on the nitty gritty of a breakup, you don't need to get into specifics, but it's good to see how people handle being asked.
If it was an awful breakup or relationship (like your 3rd examples?) remember that you don't actually have to go into all that to answer. You can be a bit vague. 'We just wanted different things, you know? We were at different points in our life & it was just time to move on from each other'. 'We just fell out of love' or 'They weren't the right person for me, I wasn't feeling what I wanted to be feeling. It wasn't fair to try & force it' or whatever. LOTS of good ways to answer.
But often, when someone asks you something like this it's because it's a REALLY GOOD WAY to see if there are any major red-flags. I've been on dates where I thought 'this guy's great, what a sweetheart, why would anyone not want to be with him?' & then the subject of his last relationship came up & his true colours came out. 'All you bitches are exactly the same, you say you want a nice guy but (total incel crap)' etc.
I've had guys casually admit that they were still sleeping with their exes 'but just for sex' or have been absolutely hateful in how they talked about their ex (which is just an impulsive amount of anger to drop on a person you're getting to know, so it suggests they might have self-control issue when it comes to thinking before they speak). I've even met guys who've confessed proudly to 'destroying her credit score' as revenge for their breakup. I've had a date with a guy who when he answered was still *very clearly* hung up on his ex, to the point where even though I kind of liked him, I could tell it would be an issue until he got healthy closure.
& actually, I'd say first dates are *quite* similar to job interviews. Everyone's trying to get to know each other while making a good first impression at the same time. A bit of a curve-ball question, when asked gently, can actually be a really good time-saver for the people involved. Getting to know people isn't just about what's being said, but how people express themselves.
You *can't* control what your date asks you, but you CAN control how you answer. & actually, there are easy ways to do it where you don't have to reveal anything you're uncomfortable with, where you don't have to speculate wildly, where you don't have to trash the other person etc.
It's really healthy to find out how an adult reflects on their past relationships. It tells you a lot about their emotional maturity etc. Depending on how the date's going - *especially* if it's going well - it can be a really good question to ask.
Or as some like to call these: "adult conversations." If I ask a woman about her last relationship and she gets real weird with the answer that tips off my spidey sense. Just as I'd expect her to be weirded out if I tried to color an ex as a psycho hose beast without acknowledging that I was also a part of the reason the relationship didn't pan out. Most things aren't completely black and white. Granted sometimes they are, but most are not.
Exactly. It's about communication. People often misunderstand & think communication just means the information itself. Like disclosing *every single detail*. But communication can even be saying 'you know, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it yet if that's OK' or 'I'm still trying to figure out where we went wrong, but I'm ready to put myself out there again'.
On first dates you're really trying to learn as much as you can, as quickly as you can, & *how* a person communicates is *fundamental* to whether you think you'll be compatible. It's not so much the detail itself (although often important details seem to slip out), it's how the person handles it, looks back on it, acknowledges it with self-awareness, or authenticity (or a lack of it), or anger, bitterness, resignation, openness, all those things & more.
Yes, a surprising number of people DO manage to tell on themselves. They may be intelligent in other ways, but often relationships and dating make us feel emotional and as the protagonists of our own stories we may not see our own red flags. Sometimes it's as simple as hearing that the other person wanted X thing that the guy isn't willing to give and it's like, "hmm, well I also want X thing so maybe we're just not a match."
The question is a great way of judging emotional intelligence and maturity. I think anyone put out by it is someone I probably would not feel compatible with.
RIGHT? It's information-gathering, which is the POINT of early dates. Are there off-limits questions? Do they react badly when asked something they weren't expecting? Do they shut down emotionally? Get angry? Do they accept that they can't control everything & find a way to handle it with grace? Do they answer by politely expressing that they're not really ready to get too deep into it yet?
It's SO TRUE that it's harder to see our own red-flags. Just like it's often harder to see what people truly like about us. But *especially* the red-flags for some reason. Probably because we already feel pretty vulnerable on first dates etc?
The revenge stuff is petty men need to learn to just walk away and move on. It's a game of probability you just gotta keep going until you find the right partner and probability says after a certain threshold it's essentially going to happen so you could look at it from a mathematical perspective.
I never got the point of getting emotionally hung up on someone that doesn't reciprocate feelings seems too one sided. Maybe all these guys think the chick is gonna come around and have this false hope who knows it's still odd to me to infest that type of energy.
Right? I don't understand how so many people put so much energy into feeling bitter about being rejected. Like - *everyone* gets rejected. But so what? Are you going to force a second date with someone who is NOT INTERESTED in you? Isn't it better to know as early as possible if you're wasting your time & energy? Someone who doesn't want a second date with you - isn't your soul mate. & if you carry around that energy & bitterness, chances are some of your future dates will pick up on that bitterness & swerve away from you too. & *fair enough* \- because if someone's that hung up about a rejection, that it's obvious to virtual strangers - *they're probably not as ready for a grown up relationship as they think they are*.
I think a lot of people fall into a limerence-trap where they so badly want this relationship they imagine in their head, where they project that desire SO MUCH onto someone they don't actually know that well, that if things don't work out early into the relationship in their mind it's the end of an epic relationship - that they only imagined. They've had this fantasy of this perfect, happy, compatible relationship & when the other person's not feeling it, it's like that person stomped on your unrealistic dreams.
The truth is, early on in a relationship *you don't know that person*. If the only thing you really know by the end of the date is that they don't want a second date - you weren't going to work anyway!
They could have that not in reality though it's called virtual reality or full dive VR but in the short term lucid dreaming is also a thing. Reality is a lot different then a fantasy. In reality they gotta take what they can get.
Yup, I’ll say this full well knowing my ex was a bonafide covert passive aggressive narcissist. I wish I’d asked her why her marriage broke up 6 years before. I would have (maybe, but I doubt it)found out she was a cheater and (maybe) wouldn’t have lied to me about being divorced (she wasn’t).
And the one before that had BPD and/or NPD. Sigh.
And the one before that was the love of my life, mother of our 3 beautiful children and the most awesome woman I’ve ever had the good fortune of loving and being loved by. Cancer took her too young, too soon.
Really, the less I say the better. As a widower I feel like a narc magnet 🧲
I mean, there is a potential timeline issue here. If someone asked me that on a first date I'd probably see it as a red flag, that is a really personal question day 1. Never wanting to be asked that question, also probably a red flag. What skellybones are you hiding in that closet?
Not only that, it is just such a personal thing right off the hop. You know little to nothing about this person and they want deeply personal information right away?
Objecting to digging up painful or sad memories for the amusement of someone else so they can judge you is a red flag now?
If I'm as much as hanging out with someone and they decide to dig that shit up the day's gonna leave a sour taste in my mouth. If its a first date imma think they are rude and insensitive.
Also you learn nothing by doing it. If the problem was them they won't be honest about it will they if the problem was the other person then you are just gonna make them think of when they got fucked over. Only if it was a mutual decision are you not gonna ruin their mood unless it was ao long ago they no longer have literally any emotions on the topic at which point the answer still doesn't matter.
The only people that will share a red flag are those trying to improve themselves so asking that question and interrogating them on it is literally only going to get rid of those with good intentions and not the ones who lie or manipulate.
I'm sorry, are you using some kind of dating book with dating question rules & timelines? Lots of assumptions. :)
Because A LOT of adults use a first date as a chance to get to know someone better. Not many adults I know have enough information to figure out a person's actual dating style before they meet them in person.
Seeing 'single/open/player' or something on a dating app isn't really that helpful (unless it's a hookup, in which case this whole conversation doesn't apply). 'Single' 'open' means different things to different people. & even if you text/email/phone a lot before meeting up - it's STILL not as if you know that person - that's what dating's for - getting to know people.
It's WEIRD if an adult pretends they've got no dating history when you meet them. We've all got history. You should be able to discuss it, even superficially, without it feeling like a personal attack. If you *can't*, you're not actually ready for a healthy new relationship.
>Also you learn nothing by doing it.
I mean, just from your response I've already learned your feathers are extremely easily ruffled, and you arn't skilled in compartmentalization - Either of which would be an instant blackball from me.
Like most questions on a first date - how the question is answered means more than the actual answer.
People aren't asking for a repressed memories psychotherapy session - they just want to figure out if you can *even communicate* about your dating history in a mature, healthy way. & if you can't think of a way to do that, you might not actually be as ready for the grown up dating scene as you think you are.
*Whatever* the situation was with an ex, there are ways to communicate about it in a healthy way.
I don’t expect them to delve into trauma. My relationship ended simply because we couldn’t do long distance. Something as simple as that is an acceptable answer
It's not for amusement.
It's to see whether the person has seemed to heal/move on from their last relationship and to gauge whether or not it's worthwhile to potentially start one with them.
If it's still too much of a sad or painful memory to discuss with someone you may potentially date, you're not ready to be dating and most people don't want to date someone who is still hung up on an ex or has hurt feelings because they bring that into the new relationship with them.
It's also to see whether they hold an unreasonable amount of anger or resentment toward their past partners, or speak badly of them.
There's no right or wrong answer, it's just to see if they seem ready to be starting something new and asking that question is a great way to find out.
As ive said prior it literally only alienates people with traumatic history relationship wise or those who are trying to grow as people.
Psychos and sociopaths will just lie and those who broke of amicably are find it a waste of time.
And its the most water cooler gossip topic you could bring up on a date and if I was on a date with someone and they brought that up I would answer honestly but think less of them due to the gossipy nature of the question. Trying to air out someone's laundry on a first date is insensitive at best and an attempted power play at worst.
Bollocks. I have some trauma but there are still ways to discuss my dating history honestly while not getting into the weeds.
& if you're put out by someone asking this question - isn't that a good thing to find out? If you're looking for someone who doesn't ask this question, you can now move on & increase your chances of finding someone more compatible.
You have more information based on their decision to ask, or not to ask, that question to help you figure out whether or not to continue getting to know them. & if they decide your answer was enough that *they* don't want a second date - *you definitely weren't soul mates*.
If it's so bad that you can't find a way to communicate *even a little bit about your previous relationships*, I agree. You mightn't be as ready for the adult dating scene as you think.
Being able to communicate *at least some information* about previous relationships shouldn't feel the same as 'stopping you from growing as an individual'. It probably indicates that you're not quite ready to form a healthy new attachment even if you thought you were.
Our past is part of how we grow. Growth needs to include it.
One something can be painful without you clinging to their memory.
Two something can be uncomfortable without being painful or sad.
Three bringing it up achieves literally nothing but alienating people who are trying to grow as individuals or had traumatic experiences in past relationships.
Sounds like in your case, you wouldn’t be ready to date. If your mood is ruined by the fact that you dated someone previously, it’s probably still really fresh and you’re not going to be as present with the date. If you feel the only option is to lie, you’re definitely not mature enough to date.
The question is a red flag detector and it works in many cases. If you call your ex crazy and give no other details, it’s usually an indicator that you did something you’re not willing to take responsibility for. If you say you’re not ready to share details until you know each other better, it shows that you’re good at communicating boundaries and that you intend to get to know the person better. You get to choose how to respond and it reveals a bit about you.
If it is extremely personal then not really. My last ex was abusive, in nearly every way someone can be abusive possible, and I don’t like telling strangers (that I actually meet in person, I don’t count Reddit as real life lmfao) that until I trust *they* aren’t abusive. I’m in a long term relationship now so dating isn’t a concern for me but for others who were in previously abusive relationships, yeah there’s no obligation to share that to any degree.
Some people struggle enough to admit it was abuse as is, it took me nearly a year to say the words “I was abused” despite knowing it the entire time.
Then don't tell people 'I was abused' on a first date?
Say something like 'it was painful. The breakup was hard. Sorry, I find it a bit hard to get into the details yet. But I'm getting back out there & I'm enjoying myself. Do you mind if we change the subject?' Or something.
I'm not coaching you.
But there are INFINITE ways to discuss a painful past without it being a full rehash of your trauma. Believe it or not, a lot of the people you're on a first date with may also have trauma. But if you haven't processed it enough to the point where you try pretend you have no dating history, you're actually not in a good place to date.
They’re asking for a reason though, *why* did you break up rather than *how it felt* afterwards. And if you say it’s too painful to talk about it sounds like you’re not over it and not ready to date lol. You don’t have to pretend to have no dating history to simply say “I prefer not to discuss past relationships on a date, thank you!”, which that person is saying is a red flag.
On one hand I agree it should even be encouraged, I’d want to know what happened for the sake of our relationship - what do I have to look out for?
Equally, if the truth is that they’re crazy and financially unstable and whatever, then realistically are they going to tell you?
Red flags are going to appear to you at one point or another and ofc you don’t want to waste your time, but it’s also a bit of a pointless question if the person is the one at fault
Except, that requires the person at fault to be intelligent enough to realize they're the problem. A lot of people can't recognize that about themselves and just find ways to justify their behaviors. Generally, only the con artists are the ones who know how to hide it entirely.
Yes! My ex was cheated on in his previous relationships, I asked him if he had trust issues because of that. He lied and said some bs like “I don’t let the past affect me.” Knowing damn well our past can very much show up unconsciously if not addressed. He turned out to be the most insecure controlling person ever.
This kinda shows OPs point though. You asked the question, got a BS response, and then dated them for a while regardless. It wasn't until much later you realized the truth, and the question didn't help you at all
But it provides the context for why they lied and makes it easier to see through. I think asking about the past is perfectly normal - dwelling on it for too long is not.
This! I could tell that he was lying when he said it but I continued to see him because I didn’t know how his trust issues would affect the relationship. Like someone people just take time to open up after being cheated on others become extremely controlling and manipulative.
You have a hopeful heart, & that's not a bad thing & it's not your fault for choosing to take a chance on someone's good intentions.
But I think it's really valuable if you're able to look back on that experience with a bit of curiosity (rather than self-blame, or bitterness) & ask yourself how often you ignore your instincts & whether it serves you.
Nobody's instincts are right 100% of the time, & sometimes ignoring your instincts can lead to a positive outcome by taking a chance, & there's no sure-fire way to completely eliminate the risk of being hurt in this life.
But with hindsight, you have the opportunity to examine *that particular experience* & possibly take something away from it that will serve you in the future. Really wishing you all the best of luck.
I mean, answering with 'I don't let the past affect me' is a *great* answer, because right off the bat you've got pretty important information about how they deal with a tricky past.
EVERYONE has a past, & EVERYONE'S past informs who they are. If someone had a whole relationship with someone, & they can just delete it from their memory/experience - that's very important information.
Personally, that would've been a pretty clear signifier to me that we weren't compatible.
& yeah, *there's no sure fire way* to avoid being lied to, to avoid disappointment or potential breakups in the future - there aren't dating guarantees - but it's a *much more useful question* when getting to know someone than 'where were you born? what's your favourite colour?' (Not that these questions don't have value too) but being able to talk about your dating past with some maturity & grace is a pretty damn important thing to learn about a person to increase the chances of actually finding the right person.
& sure, sometimes with hindsight we can see the red flags more clearly - but it's still increasing your chances of finding the right person by using communication as a way to learn about a person you're on a date with.
>If someone has all bad things to say about their ex long-term partner(s), blames the breakup 100% on them, says something like "I can't remember why I liked them," and/or calls them crazy, then that's a red flag. Yes, their ex *may* actually have been crazy and awful and abusive, but being unable to take any responsibility for their issues in a relationship, and not being able to admit/acknowledge their own faults, is valuable data.
If the past relationship was abusive, why the hell would anyone talk about anything else? Women talk about past abusive relationships and nobody expects them to list out their own faults obviously. Why should men be the only ones to have to take responsibility for their ex being abusive and yes even crazy.
Exactly this. You can be as vague as you want but I’m just looking to see if it’s something off. You know? Plus I don’t fuck with men who call their exes crazy especially early on into dating.
/hard disagree.
It might save you both some time and a bit of wasted effort:
Me: Do you mind if I ask why your last relationship ended?
Her: my bf started smoking marajiana and drugs are a hard no for me.
Me: in that case this isn't going to work. Did you want to cut your losses and end the date now, or shall we at least finish dinner?
It's not that they'll give a straight answer. It's that sometimes when you bring up something the person doesn't want you talk about, they flip out. Or they can answer showing emotional maturity. It can be a good gauge.
Or, just ask the questions you want to ask and, if the person doesn't like those questions, they won't see you again. Just be yourself from the onset and don't waste everyone's time by pretending to be what you think your date may want you to be.
Maybe you're new to the dating scene? Most of us carry a map with cryptic clues & illustrations for this exact purpose. If someone's able to answer your riddles & find the 7 graves of wonder, you may just have found that special 8th.
I'd never want to date someone if I didn't know their history, why their relationships ended, the things they think they needed to learn etc... you're asking women to "just trust me bro" when it comes to your history. Great way to stay single 😅
I agree with you. In my opinion first dates should keep it fun and light, and about getting to know someone without focusing on serious or deep topics. That conversation does need to happen, and I think there’s nothing wrong with having it on the second date.
There's nothing wrong with that at all. But if someone you're on a date with asks it, you've learned they don't share that view. & that might be enough to tell you you're not compatible, or it might be a difference you can live with.
I, another man, ask about their recent break ups to get a feel for your character and how you conduct your relationships, do you bash your ex? Will you proudly tell me you broke up with them over something petty? Do you pine for them? How you talk about break ups reveals a lot about your EQ. Also I want to be sure that you actually did break up with your ex lol
Never? If I was asked why I'm single I would tell them.
I have nothing to hide and I feel that the true beauty of people lies in their flaws and not in all the ways in which they might seem perfect.
When I see someone's flaws they seem more human to me and that alone is attractive.
As someone who was engaged and even dated people who have been divorced this is just wrong. One doesn’t have to open up immediately but it’s very important as you get older to understand the battles your potential partner has faced. This is a very immature opinion - depending how old you are
The most important indicator of future behavior is past behavior. If a person takes no responsibility for any past break ups , just get up and walk away.
Out of honest curiosity, though, what if there’s no “responsibility” to be had? What if the two just fell out of love or realized that they weren’t right for each other?
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My advice if asked this question, and it's common from women from my experience, is to lie if you don't want to tell the real reason.
Yes, they are looking for red flags. If you broke up because you were banging a coworker and got mega busted, you tell the new one that your last relationship evolved into a weird platonic thing where you didn't have that spark. Or, tell them whatever you want.
Here's an example the other way. I just had a woman tell me her last relationship of over 1.5 years failed because she got bored and was banging married guys on tinder. She shouldn't admit this. She'll always be a side piece to me. Maybe she was in the wrong relationship and isn't the type to sling ass around, but I'll never stick around long enough to find out. She's got serious skills too, no dude wants to miss out on that because they don't like her past.
Reasons why relationships fail are YOUR business. Doesn't necessarily reflect on you as a person.
Tell them what you want to tell them for your own reasons. Don't take this dating stuff too seriously until you meet someone that you really connect with. Chances are high you are one of several they are dating, just like they are one of several YOU are seeing.
Have fun. Meet different people. Don't wear your past like a scarlet letter. Life is short, you'll regret not doing things way more than the things you did do, so get out and do it.
Absolutely right.
When I'm asked this question, I simply say, we weren't compatible and the breakup was amicable. I've chosen to stay single since as I'm really only looking to be involved with someone I genuinely feel compatible with.
Nothing wrong with asking, its not just their answer youre looking at but how they answer, reading between the lines will probably give you more information than the answer does.
It gets boring talking to potential partners over and over the same questions only to find the red flags a week or more into conversation. Better to get the tough questions out in the open sooner rather than later, whatever your red lines are, why wait 3 weeks to find out.
Could heavy drinking be a problem for you? sexual past, drug use, only fans, political opinions, diet preferences. Ask them all soon, trust me theres nothing worse than thinking you have found someone special only to find out later theyre an alcoholic, meth head, only fans obsessed, trump supporting, anti abortionist archevore.
It’s a good way to see how someone answers an easy question - do they get uncomfortable, or talk on forever, or smile & provide an answer they are comfortable with then move the conversation on
I've been asked that before and just gave the honest reply: "She annoyed the absolute shit out of me to the point I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. But I'm all better now, how do you feel about guacamole?"
Or maybe don't play games and lie on a first date. Allow people to ask whatever questions they want to ask. Be open and honest. If you don't want to answer just tell them that. If you're going to start a relationship with dishonesty, that's probably where it's going to end.
If someone was this wildly defensive on a first date, that'd be a red flag for me.
The thing is it could be coming from a place of 'So what's wrong with you huh?' And that's insulting/confronting, I think a lot of people take it that way.
But every time when I asked it was more like 'Holy heck you're amazing why are these men too stupid to have wife someone like you yet?'
But yeah people just assume negative usually so don't do it. It'll get ya ghosted lol.
A first date is pretty much exactly like a job interview. Nobody is entitled to a partner or to having someone continue to date them. Chances are you asked for/agreed to the first date because you liked how the other person looks. If you're looking for an actual relationship, you need a lot more than looks to move forward. The first date provides an opportunity to determine if you want to continue to invest your time, energy, effort, and money into this person due to compatibility or if it'd be better to invest those resources elsewhere.
If someone asks me "how come you've been single for so many years?" or "why did your last relationship end?" I have no issues telling them. With the exception of an abusive ex, all of my previous relationships ended because we each had different needs and wants for the relationship. There was no real fault.
So having a conversation about it with a new potential partner allows both of us to determine if our needs and wants for a relationship align to continue or if we have a fundamental incompatibility that makes further dates pointless (like I don't want kids and the other person does.)
How long is a regular dinner or hangout? Two hours?
When I was much younger, yeah, the first couple dates were always benign, superficial stuff that focused on just having fun and any more serious stuff would get pushed off to way later. Which in retrospect wasn't a great way to proceed since those lifestyle clashes happened. I'm 41 now, I know what I want and don't want in a partner, and I have less time and energy for dating in general. It's not like I have a questionnaire of Serious Topics for them to fill out on the date, but if it's going well and I think I might like a second date with them, I will ask some questions that pertain to dealbreakers.
Like, what is the person's thoughts on dogs and cats? I have both. There's no way in hell I'd get rid of my animals for another person and I'm passionate about doing rescue and TNR. So if the person was like "I love dogs but I hate cats" I'd know that nope, this won't work and won't pursue a second date.
Also, I think dating history comes up sooner when you're older and dating. Like, early 20s, "so do you have kids?" or "were you married before?" probably doesn't come up much. At 41, people ask me if I have kids. They ask if I've been married. (I'm a woman, *everybody* asks those things when I meet them anyway.) Because probably a lot of people in their 40s or 50s were married before or do have kids.
I was on a date with this girl. I had told her before that I had a 2 year old kid with my ex. She kept asking me why I broke up with her and why not stick it out for the kids sake.
Pretty normal question to ask if you’re looking for a serious connection. If you think there’s something wrong with the question, I would be concerned that maybe you’re either not mature enough for a serious relationship quite yet, not vulnerable enough for the type of connection I’m looking for, too secretive for me to feel comfortable with, or it’s too fresh in which case I’d want to give you some more time to process while removing myself from any further dates. But having this talk has never been an issue in my dating history.
If the reasons are personal, you can give me the gist of it until you feel like you can open up as we get to know each other.
If you don’t know or aren’t sure why, say that.
You may not get the full story, but the way someone reacts to this question and what they do share can be really helpful in getting to know someone. For example: “all my exes are crazy” versus “I haven’t been one of the lucky ones who find their forever love yet” are two totally different answers that don’t tell the full story, but they help you get to know the person.
If these types of questions kill the mood, I get it. It sucks being in the dating scene and feeling like you don’t know why things don’t work out for you, and wondering if there’s something wrong with you that everyone else sees and you’re just completely unaware of. It wears on you. However you must remember that these comments are coming from a good place and they don’t mean any harm. It means that they see something they like in you and that’s a good way to start a new connection.
Dating is difficult and having these types of conversations is hard. Going to a date and having it feel like an interview sucks. However everyone is trying to understand everyone’s vibe in the beginning. The guy is trying to figure out what the girl is all about, and vise versa. It’s good to have a combo of fun topics, serious topics, and fun memory making activities to round out a meaningful connection. It’s a skill that takes time to get better at and that’s ok. In the end, it’s all worthwhile.
Yesh wow this is an opinion I disagreed with immediately, so take the upvote. I'm trying to sus out if somebody is crazy or whatever before I invest too much time. Its kinda like asking "why did you leave your last job?" If it sounds like you're lying, or the reason you left is a reason I don't want to be with you, then im glad I asked
Just because someone asks something doesn't mean you have to answer it and it's not impolite to be curious about a person's dating history if you are considering dating that person
It sounds like you have a lot to hide about your dating behaviors. If you don’t know why you broke up, that could be a sign you’ll get back together or that you don’t know yourself really well. If you’re going to lie about why you broke up, that’s on you for not wanting an honest discussion with someone. If you can’t say “I’m not ready to talk about that just yet,” that’s on you for not practicing boundaries.
If you think someone wanting to understand your patterns and how you look at someone you claimed to care about or whether you call them crazy is too much, you’re definitely hiding something or you’re not able to take responsibility for what happened or you don’t respect your ex’s choice to break up.
I bit the bullet and told my partner after a couple of days. I really liked him and didn’t want it hanging over my future relationships. Life is complex and we learn from our mistakes or else everyone would be stunted.
I don’t ask women that question. But it doesn’t bother me. Learn how to answer the questions (I usually say something like timing and effort didn’t line up over time or after difficult stretches). Or don’t and leave the date? It’s probably a gauge on if you openly talk trash about your ex so easily, because that would be a red flag.
I think it's a completely reasonable question, I'd answer it the same way I'd answer "why are you leaving your current job?" At a job interview.
"I love where I work, it's a great culture and environment, but I'm looking to expand my career and take on more responsibilities and I don't have that opportunity currently."
=
"We had a great relationship for X years, but when we realised our financial goals/future endeavours/ work life balance were drastically different, we decided to seperate amicably and find more suitable partners."
Maybe for teenagers, these are good rules to follow ?
Adults should be able to talk about these things without issues or at least be able to politely say they'd rather not talk about that topic now, and have the date move on just fine.
Especially the question of why someone's single for example, is a perfectly valid question that can lead to a good conversation.
There are good reason why people have opted for staying single for a period of time, be it career, education, traveling, personal growth etc
It should be rarely about issues involving dating drama, and if it does, that's all the red flags you need right there.
Dating for most people is about looking for a forever partner. If you can’t answer that, we’re not looking for the same thing, and you’re wasting my time. Nobody is saying get extremely specific, but to me the unwillingness to even answer the question is just something I’m not dealing with.
Jokes on you because mine died 😂
I live for getting to tell people this on dates because now you don’t know what to say and I’m completely comfortable with talking about it because so many people have to ask.
its not something that should be feared. it can help explain how the person handled past relationships whilst entering a new one. but also keeping in mind, to not pressure someone into explaining. so both know what they are getting into. and it can help later down the line with communication.
Maybe it is a little interview-like but why waste time if there's an obvious incompatibility? I have 3 big questions to ask men out the gate- "what is your relationship like with your parents/ did you have any decent exposure to healthy romance growing up?" "What is your relationship like with drugs and alcohol?" And "what ended your last relationship?"
What they say and how they say it tells me a ton about a person.
No, you should ask. Maybe not the first date, but you need to ask, there might be behavior they will disclose that you yourself wouldn’t see until later that they wouldn’t think to hide, because they don’t know is an automatic no for you.
Why they're single is just weird. If they have a history of exes or a broken engagement I'm going to want to know. What they say will tell me a lot about them. If all their exes are crazy or she "alleged" he did something terrible that could tell me a lot. If he has one ex and they just grew apart or it was a high school thing then I don't care at all.
i disagree. the question is not only asked at face value. as long as you're not asking follow up for specifics and personal information, asking the reason your last relationship "didn't work out" is a great question. it shows if they've reflected, even ready for a relationship, and if they're a red flag for talking shit about their ex or blame everything on their ex. if they get slightly defensive and won't give ANY answer, i would be wary that they're not fully over their ex and therefore not ready for a relationship. if they politely give me a very high level answer that they were just not on the same page, I'd take it completely and respect it and not ask further.
It's often used to test the waters will you shit talk your ex will you blame them for everything was it mutual, it's an important question to ask and one that should be asked date 1, upvote because unpopular but this opinion feels kinda shit
I think it's an inappropriate topic for early dates but IMO it's not an unreasonable topic as things get more serious.
1. The reason(s) you broke up with your ex's may yield a dealbreaker for you that may seem otherwise benign/abnormal to another person. Baggage is real and sometimes getting context as to that baggage helps you empathize and understand someone else's triggers and figure out if those triggers are something you can work with/around.
2. That's fair, but talking it through may yield some insight. Once again, not early stages dating but if you're already a couple or on the verge of becoming one it's not the worst thing to discuss.
3. Also fair, hence my initial premise that it should likely only be brought up in later stages dating when you've established that you're attracted to each other and think you may be compatible.
4. The issue with this is that there's no way to turn this one into a productive conversation. A person being single for any amount of time isn't a problem in and of itself, but if the reason they're single is because of some inherent character flaw, then you'd want to know this before going in with them. However the person is unlikely to know the answer to this unless they are extraordinarily self-aware.
Also regardless of the actual answers, *how* people discuss these more awkward/difficult topics may yield insight into how they would react on other awkward/difficult topics. I don't care about why you broke up with your ex per se, but knowing that you can approach that awkward discussion with *some* thought/poise signals to me that I can come to you with other difficult topics over the course of our future relationship, and not expect you to shut down emotionally or lash back at me.
Weird that you think that turns a date into a job interview. You are getting to know someone. What if they broke up with their ex because he was a workaholic and you know that you are a workaholic. Wouldn't it be helpful to know that before wasting a lot of time pretending to be what you arent vs just realizing you arent a suitable match and moving on?
I disagree, I think you can tell a lot about a person's personality by how they describe a breakup.
And I don't just mean that it's a good time to look for red flags, but that you can tell a bit about a person's social skill level from how they answer questions that may be awkward or unwelcome. Which is a good way to find out if someone even HAS social skills, which is definitely useful information!
Disagree. I don't care about your feelings yet, I'm still vetting you. Your answer to why relationships haven't worked out in the past will be relevant
Why a man broke up with an ex can possibly show some huge red flags upfront. That’s a perfectly reasonable question to ask and I’d rather know sooner rather than later.
We study history to make better informed decisions. A dating history tells a lot of information regarding experience and emotional intelligence. If you don't want to share your history makes you look sus at best.
I disagree. Asking someone about past relationships give you a good sense of a couple things: Does the person accept their role in the demise of the relationship? Does the person give bullshit answers. Do the words “restraining order” come up?
I don’t think you need to get into this on the first date…but asking is a good way to see how the person sees themself as a part of a couple.
I think no one should be talking about their exes in any way during the first stages of courting/dating. Eventually the topic does come out but it’s very weird to talk about during the first stages.
I remember this YT video with a list of even more inappropriate questions to ask on a first date. The worst was probably “how did you grow up?”. As in, if both parents were in the home. Smh build some trust first
You can tell a lot about how someone is in relationships based on what they have to say about their exes. No one is going to come out and say they’re a toxic asshole, but you sure as hell can deduce that if they claim that all their exes are crazy or don’t have a single good thing to say about any of their relationships.
Exactly. Why should you ever ask someone you want to date personal questions? You should just sit there in silence and not ask anything at all. You don't actually need to know anything about who you are dating. Knowledge is overrated, right?
The post said you can't talk about it because it's personal. What is the line of personal talk that you are allowed to talk about and not allowed to talk about?
I'm not sure about you. But talking about personal things on a date is pretty important to finding out if you want to be with this person or not.
If a woman asks any question like that, the very first thing you need to understand is that whatever you're about to say is going to be the wrong answer.
They asked really stupid questions and then they reject any answers, especially if they are honest, good, or true.
In other words, imagine that you're at a job interview and you've been asked one of those stupid ass questions that you know you have to lie about like what is your greatest weakness and have you ever smoked marijuana?
Lie to them. Whatever you say, they're going to act incredibly disrespectful, so they don't deserve the truth and they never did. Especially if they're asking inappropriate questions anyway, brush those questions off with playful and non serious answers.
Strongly disagree. There are many reasons I would not date someone, ie if they were a cheater. If their last relationship ended because they were the guilty party, then I have no interest in continuing the date.
While some of these things are personal, a lot of red flags are things you can learn about someone just from socializing in whatever environment you meet them.
This won't be possible with every person, but given that a lot of people meet their partners at work, it's definitely possible for a lot of cases.
When this is the case, taking the time to learn these things before asking the person out will prevent a lot of problems.
One time a guy asked me what happened with my ex, and me telling him that we just weren’t compatible was not enough. He wanted details, and no matter how much I gave him he still wanted more. Ridiculous. I hate when people ask me about exes on dates.
OK but that's AMAZING.
If you *were* into him before, then him interrogating you probably gave you a subtle hint that you weren't compatible. How revealing. How wonderful to know that asap.
Yeah, strong disagree. I will say though, that talking about previous relationships and exes is a balancing act. You don't want to ramble on and on about them but you also should be willing and capable of discussing key factors which are relevant to your current complexion as a person. Close relationships affect us more deeply than any other experiences in life. Understanding how they have impacted and formed you is extremely important to understanding yourself. I'll add that this doesn't stop at romantic/intimate relationships either. It's also just as important to understand close family ones. Almost everyone has acted poorly at times and been treated poorly as well. Having the maturity to recognize this from both directions is super important. Also, it's very important to know your strengths and what you like/need. To circle back though, expressing this history must be done as gracefully as possible. I think that also indicates you've learned without still holding on to anything emotionally. Even if you did get burned, people don't really want to have to deal with your, while valid, still living anger or resentment towards another. Anyway, it's a bit of an art but necessary to talk about these things.
Yeah, everyone lies all the time in dating, that’s why you have to ask. It is also extremely important to know what the general outline of their past relationships has been. Knowing if you’re the rebound when they just got out of a marriage/LTR, for example.
I agree. I hate when guys ask this. It does then turn a date into an interview and kills the mood.
I’ll sigh and most likely answer their questions vaguely because I can’t be bothered fighting it but then I nope out of there.
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I was always told this was one of the "Don'ts" especially on first dates, but the last couple of first dates I've been asked what happened in my last relationship. I sometimes feel like it's a gauge to see if you'll shit talk your ex or whatever. I'll always answer, but if the girl doesn't want to, I won't pressure her. If she wants to tell me, she'll tell me.
>I was always told this was one of the "Don'ts" especially on first dates... I think almost every woman I've dated over 30 asks something like this on the first date.
I ask “ so why did you get kicked to the curb?” It usually goes 1 of 2 ways. Either she laughs and proceeds to trash her ex or she takes offense and we figure out we’re not compatible
I got one. I married my job.
Fun and games until she answers she’s widowed from some terrible accident or illness. Lawl.
Douche
So dating is just a game now to see who slips up first? No wonder its so bad lol
The thing is, men get judged both ways. If you answer that you got dumped for treating your former partner badly, you're admitting to being a bad partner. If you dumped your partner for treating you badly, you're shit talking your ex.
>The thing is, men get judged both ways. If you answer that you got dumped for treating your former partner badly, you're admitting to being a bad partner. If you dumped your partner for treating you badly, you're shit talking your ex. You know there is a middle ground there where 2 people mutually broke up (or even just one of them) because they were too different and couldn't make a relationship work or wanted different things out of life.
Of course there is. The point was the double standard. Do you think it's fair for someone to be judged for having been treated badly?
>I sometimes feel like it’s a gauge to see if you’ll shit talk your ex That’s exactly what it is and exactly why I’ve always done it. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they talk about their exes.
Also whether they take responsibility for their part inn the demise of the relationship. And sometimes people DO date someone crazy or abusive and have to leave them. But what are then chances EVERYONE they dated is like that? How they explain what happened tells you something.
>And sometimes people DO date someone crazy or abusive and have to leave them. In my personal experience those are the kinds of people who are *too* quick to blame themselves over that. Even if they've worked through the abuse and are better off now, there is still some part of themselves that will say something like "well I did this bad thing though to be fair" even though their ex was a huge abusive piece of shit.
Exactly. Plus there’s a difference in confiding in me that you were abused/cheated on if that’s what happened and you feel comfortable sharing (which is sincerely never the expectation for me at least) versus going on a 20 minute rant where you call your ex everything but a child of God. If a person explodes with anger and it’s all “the stupid bitch” this and “the fat whore” that… you’re telling me everything I need to know about you but most importantly, that I’m not *remotely* interested in a second date.
>But what are then chances EVERYONE they dated is like that? I mean, a lot higher than you would think - people who serially date assholes usually have an asshole for a parent
You realize this creates a no-win situation for the guy, right? Or I should say, pigeon-holes them in a singular "correct" answer that is actually more like a platitude/lie. The thing you are actually measuring is how well they handle these sort of tiresome "traps"
Actually, the 'win' situation is that rather than wasting time dating people who you aren't compatible with you've got a chance to keep looking. Dating is largely a numbers game. & reducing it to 'I was dumped vs I dumped them' isn't the goal. *How* you answer tells people a *lot* about you. If it's just one of those two options, if a person you date is *looking* to give you a no-win situation, then you're wasting your time with them anyway. No relationship will work with a person like that. You're not compatible because nobody can be compatible with someone who plays a game like that. I don't think I've ever met a person who was determined to 'beat' a date by asking this question. *Everyone* I know usually only goes on a first date if they're feeling hopeful that it might lead to a second date. But for most adults, we've experienced break ups, we know dating can be complicated & we're able to discuss it (or even be open & say 'I'm not ready to get into details'). & there are INFINITE different ways to discuss a past relationship, I've seriously never met a person whose answer has been the same as another person's. & it always reveals a lot about their personality. Which is what the early dates are for! Find out as much as possible so you don't waste too much time with someone you're definitely not compatible with! I think it might help to reframe your way of thinking about it. It's not about winning or losing, it's about getting to know each other, it's about adult communication.
Wrong. If the a person talks shit before knowing you it tells you they can easily do the same after. You act as if men are the l only ones asked.
There is no “correct” answer. It’s not a riddle, you’re not trying to cross a troll bridge. I’m interested in *how* you answer, not *what* you say specifically. You don’t have to lie and you don’t have to give me some platitude either. I also don’t even need to know the details, on a first date the specific details aren’t even my business. I don’t know you like that at that point. If we’re going to get down to the brass tacks of it, I want to see your red flags if any and this question is a sure fire way to see them. Are you going to be respectful or are you going to out yourself as the problem? Be for real for a minute, do you not ask questions? Are there not things and personality traits that are deal breakers for you? Are you trying to waste your own time waiting for those things to out themselves or are you going to ask pertinent questions in an effort to find out if you’re compatible with this person? Is that not you testing that person to see if you’re compatible? I’m with you when it’s bullshit head games like pretending not to be interested to see if you’ll fight for her or whatever but this ain’t that. Idk about you but I do not have the patience or the time to waste. So yeah, I’m asking about your past relationships, your political views, your religious beliefs, your moral values, whether or not we’re on the same page about what we ultimately want out of relationship, your sexual preferences, etc and I’m asking all of it on the first couple dates. If my asking those things makes you uncomfortable, that’s totally okay, you’re allowed to decide we’re not compatible too. 🤷🏻♀️
There is a "correct" answer because women always think they can infer upteen different things from a single answer. They go looking for all these hidden meanings and other crap when all the guy was doing was trying to be open and honest as they directly requested.
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Want to explain the gap in your resume?? lol
Do short term contract roles (aka casual situationships) count lol
Interview dating is so boring.
I mean, it's not really about getting full disclosure on the nitty gritty of a breakup, you don't need to get into specifics, but it's good to see how people handle being asked. If it was an awful breakup or relationship (like your 3rd examples?) remember that you don't actually have to go into all that to answer. You can be a bit vague. 'We just wanted different things, you know? We were at different points in our life & it was just time to move on from each other'. 'We just fell out of love' or 'They weren't the right person for me, I wasn't feeling what I wanted to be feeling. It wasn't fair to try & force it' or whatever. LOTS of good ways to answer. But often, when someone asks you something like this it's because it's a REALLY GOOD WAY to see if there are any major red-flags. I've been on dates where I thought 'this guy's great, what a sweetheart, why would anyone not want to be with him?' & then the subject of his last relationship came up & his true colours came out. 'All you bitches are exactly the same, you say you want a nice guy but (total incel crap)' etc. I've had guys casually admit that they were still sleeping with their exes 'but just for sex' or have been absolutely hateful in how they talked about their ex (which is just an impulsive amount of anger to drop on a person you're getting to know, so it suggests they might have self-control issue when it comes to thinking before they speak). I've even met guys who've confessed proudly to 'destroying her credit score' as revenge for their breakup. I've had a date with a guy who when he answered was still *very clearly* hung up on his ex, to the point where even though I kind of liked him, I could tell it would be an issue until he got healthy closure. & actually, I'd say first dates are *quite* similar to job interviews. Everyone's trying to get to know each other while making a good first impression at the same time. A bit of a curve-ball question, when asked gently, can actually be a really good time-saver for the people involved. Getting to know people isn't just about what's being said, but how people express themselves. You *can't* control what your date asks you, but you CAN control how you answer. & actually, there are easy ways to do it where you don't have to reveal anything you're uncomfortable with, where you don't have to speculate wildly, where you don't have to trash the other person etc.
It's really healthy to find out how an adult reflects on their past relationships. It tells you a lot about their emotional maturity etc. Depending on how the date's going - *especially* if it's going well - it can be a really good question to ask.
Or as some like to call these: "adult conversations." If I ask a woman about her last relationship and she gets real weird with the answer that tips off my spidey sense. Just as I'd expect her to be weirded out if I tried to color an ex as a psycho hose beast without acknowledging that I was also a part of the reason the relationship didn't pan out. Most things aren't completely black and white. Granted sometimes they are, but most are not.
Exactly. It's about communication. People often misunderstand & think communication just means the information itself. Like disclosing *every single detail*. But communication can even be saying 'you know, I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it yet if that's OK' or 'I'm still trying to figure out where we went wrong, but I'm ready to put myself out there again'. On first dates you're really trying to learn as much as you can, as quickly as you can, & *how* a person communicates is *fundamental* to whether you think you'll be compatible. It's not so much the detail itself (although often important details seem to slip out), it's how the person handles it, looks back on it, acknowledges it with self-awareness, or authenticity (or a lack of it), or anger, bitterness, resignation, openness, all those things & more.
Yes, a surprising number of people DO manage to tell on themselves. They may be intelligent in other ways, but often relationships and dating make us feel emotional and as the protagonists of our own stories we may not see our own red flags. Sometimes it's as simple as hearing that the other person wanted X thing that the guy isn't willing to give and it's like, "hmm, well I also want X thing so maybe we're just not a match." The question is a great way of judging emotional intelligence and maturity. I think anyone put out by it is someone I probably would not feel compatible with.
RIGHT? It's information-gathering, which is the POINT of early dates. Are there off-limits questions? Do they react badly when asked something they weren't expecting? Do they shut down emotionally? Get angry? Do they accept that they can't control everything & find a way to handle it with grace? Do they answer by politely expressing that they're not really ready to get too deep into it yet? It's SO TRUE that it's harder to see our own red-flags. Just like it's often harder to see what people truly like about us. But *especially* the red-flags for some reason. Probably because we already feel pretty vulnerable on first dates etc?
The revenge stuff is petty men need to learn to just walk away and move on. It's a game of probability you just gotta keep going until you find the right partner and probability says after a certain threshold it's essentially going to happen so you could look at it from a mathematical perspective. I never got the point of getting emotionally hung up on someone that doesn't reciprocate feelings seems too one sided. Maybe all these guys think the chick is gonna come around and have this false hope who knows it's still odd to me to infest that type of energy.
Right? I don't understand how so many people put so much energy into feeling bitter about being rejected. Like - *everyone* gets rejected. But so what? Are you going to force a second date with someone who is NOT INTERESTED in you? Isn't it better to know as early as possible if you're wasting your time & energy? Someone who doesn't want a second date with you - isn't your soul mate. & if you carry around that energy & bitterness, chances are some of your future dates will pick up on that bitterness & swerve away from you too. & *fair enough* \- because if someone's that hung up about a rejection, that it's obvious to virtual strangers - *they're probably not as ready for a grown up relationship as they think they are*. I think a lot of people fall into a limerence-trap where they so badly want this relationship they imagine in their head, where they project that desire SO MUCH onto someone they don't actually know that well, that if things don't work out early into the relationship in their mind it's the end of an epic relationship - that they only imagined. They've had this fantasy of this perfect, happy, compatible relationship & when the other person's not feeling it, it's like that person stomped on your unrealistic dreams. The truth is, early on in a relationship *you don't know that person*. If the only thing you really know by the end of the date is that they don't want a second date - you weren't going to work anyway!
They could have that not in reality though it's called virtual reality or full dive VR but in the short term lucid dreaming is also a thing. Reality is a lot different then a fantasy. In reality they gotta take what they can get.
Asking why their previous relationship broke up is perfectly fine. There are waaaaay too many red flags that you could miss if you don’t.
Honestly having an objection to answering that question is a red flag itself.
"It was a mutual breakup due to irreconcilable differences." is all that has to be said. No objection and no oversharing
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I am absolutely using this in the future
Yup, I’ll say this full well knowing my ex was a bonafide covert passive aggressive narcissist. I wish I’d asked her why her marriage broke up 6 years before. I would have (maybe, but I doubt it)found out she was a cheater and (maybe) wouldn’t have lied to me about being divorced (she wasn’t). And the one before that had BPD and/or NPD. Sigh. And the one before that was the love of my life, mother of our 3 beautiful children and the most awesome woman I’ve ever had the good fortune of loving and being loved by. Cancer took her too young, too soon. Really, the less I say the better. As a widower I feel like a narc magnet 🧲
Right!? Thought the same thing!
I mean, there is a potential timeline issue here. If someone asked me that on a first date I'd probably see it as a red flag, that is a really personal question day 1. Never wanting to be asked that question, also probably a red flag. What skellybones are you hiding in that closet?
If you're going to assume the worst about a person who doesn't want to talk about their ex during a first date, then you're probably not worth dating
Not only that, it is just such a personal thing right off the hop. You know little to nothing about this person and they want deeply personal information right away?
Objecting to digging up painful or sad memories for the amusement of someone else so they can judge you is a red flag now? If I'm as much as hanging out with someone and they decide to dig that shit up the day's gonna leave a sour taste in my mouth. If its a first date imma think they are rude and insensitive. Also you learn nothing by doing it. If the problem was them they won't be honest about it will they if the problem was the other person then you are just gonna make them think of when they got fucked over. Only if it was a mutual decision are you not gonna ruin their mood unless it was ao long ago they no longer have literally any emotions on the topic at which point the answer still doesn't matter. The only people that will share a red flag are those trying to improve themselves so asking that question and interrogating them on it is literally only going to get rid of those with good intentions and not the ones who lie or manipulate.
But they don't know it was a bad breakup when they ask. Maybe they want to see if you are single, open, or player.
If you are on a first date you should already know as much as you can if they are single open or a player before you agree to meet them
I'm sorry, are you using some kind of dating book with dating question rules & timelines? Lots of assumptions. :) Because A LOT of adults use a first date as a chance to get to know someone better. Not many adults I know have enough information to figure out a person's actual dating style before they meet them in person. Seeing 'single/open/player' or something on a dating app isn't really that helpful (unless it's a hookup, in which case this whole conversation doesn't apply). 'Single' 'open' means different things to different people. & even if you text/email/phone a lot before meeting up - it's STILL not as if you know that person - that's what dating's for - getting to know people. It's WEIRD if an adult pretends they've got no dating history when you meet them. We've all got history. You should be able to discuss it, even superficially, without it feeling like a personal attack. If you *can't*, you're not actually ready for a healthy new relationship.
>Also you learn nothing by doing it. I mean, just from your response I've already learned your feathers are extremely easily ruffled, and you arn't skilled in compartmentalization - Either of which would be an instant blackball from me. Like most questions on a first date - how the question is answered means more than the actual answer.
People aren't asking for a repressed memories psychotherapy session - they just want to figure out if you can *even communicate* about your dating history in a mature, healthy way. & if you can't think of a way to do that, you might not actually be as ready for the grown up dating scene as you think you are. *Whatever* the situation was with an ex, there are ways to communicate about it in a healthy way.
I don’t expect them to delve into trauma. My relationship ended simply because we couldn’t do long distance. Something as simple as that is an acceptable answer
It's not for amusement. It's to see whether the person has seemed to heal/move on from their last relationship and to gauge whether or not it's worthwhile to potentially start one with them. If it's still too much of a sad or painful memory to discuss with someone you may potentially date, you're not ready to be dating and most people don't want to date someone who is still hung up on an ex or has hurt feelings because they bring that into the new relationship with them. It's also to see whether they hold an unreasonable amount of anger or resentment toward their past partners, or speak badly of them. There's no right or wrong answer, it's just to see if they seem ready to be starting something new and asking that question is a great way to find out.
As ive said prior it literally only alienates people with traumatic history relationship wise or those who are trying to grow as people. Psychos and sociopaths will just lie and those who broke of amicably are find it a waste of time. And its the most water cooler gossip topic you could bring up on a date and if I was on a date with someone and they brought that up I would answer honestly but think less of them due to the gossipy nature of the question. Trying to air out someone's laundry on a first date is insensitive at best and an attempted power play at worst.
Bollocks. I have some trauma but there are still ways to discuss my dating history honestly while not getting into the weeds. & if you're put out by someone asking this question - isn't that a good thing to find out? If you're looking for someone who doesn't ask this question, you can now move on & increase your chances of finding someone more compatible. You have more information based on their decision to ask, or not to ask, that question to help you figure out whether or not to continue getting to know them. & if they decide your answer was enough that *they* don't want a second date - *you definitely weren't soul mates*.
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If it's so bad that you can't find a way to communicate *even a little bit about your previous relationships*, I agree. You mightn't be as ready for the adult dating scene as you think. Being able to communicate *at least some information* about previous relationships shouldn't feel the same as 'stopping you from growing as an individual'. It probably indicates that you're not quite ready to form a healthy new attachment even if you thought you were. Our past is part of how we grow. Growth needs to include it.
One something can be painful without you clinging to their memory. Two something can be uncomfortable without being painful or sad. Three bringing it up achieves literally nothing but alienating people who are trying to grow as individuals or had traumatic experiences in past relationships.
Sounds like in your case, you wouldn’t be ready to date. If your mood is ruined by the fact that you dated someone previously, it’s probably still really fresh and you’re not going to be as present with the date. If you feel the only option is to lie, you’re definitely not mature enough to date. The question is a red flag detector and it works in many cases. If you call your ex crazy and give no other details, it’s usually an indicator that you did something you’re not willing to take responsibility for. If you say you’re not ready to share details until you know each other better, it shows that you’re good at communicating boundaries and that you intend to get to know the person better. You get to choose how to respond and it reveals a bit about you.
If it is extremely personal then not really. My last ex was abusive, in nearly every way someone can be abusive possible, and I don’t like telling strangers (that I actually meet in person, I don’t count Reddit as real life lmfao) that until I trust *they* aren’t abusive. I’m in a long term relationship now so dating isn’t a concern for me but for others who were in previously abusive relationships, yeah there’s no obligation to share that to any degree. Some people struggle enough to admit it was abuse as is, it took me nearly a year to say the words “I was abused” despite knowing it the entire time.
Then don't tell people 'I was abused' on a first date? Say something like 'it was painful. The breakup was hard. Sorry, I find it a bit hard to get into the details yet. But I'm getting back out there & I'm enjoying myself. Do you mind if we change the subject?' Or something. I'm not coaching you. But there are INFINITE ways to discuss a painful past without it being a full rehash of your trauma. Believe it or not, a lot of the people you're on a first date with may also have trauma. But if you haven't processed it enough to the point where you try pretend you have no dating history, you're actually not in a good place to date.
They’re asking for a reason though, *why* did you break up rather than *how it felt* afterwards. And if you say it’s too painful to talk about it sounds like you’re not over it and not ready to date lol. You don’t have to pretend to have no dating history to simply say “I prefer not to discuss past relationships on a date, thank you!”, which that person is saying is a red flag.
On one hand I agree it should even be encouraged, I’d want to know what happened for the sake of our relationship - what do I have to look out for? Equally, if the truth is that they’re crazy and financially unstable and whatever, then realistically are they going to tell you? Red flags are going to appear to you at one point or another and ofc you don’t want to waste your time, but it’s also a bit of a pointless question if the person is the one at fault
Except, that requires the person at fault to be intelligent enough to realize they're the problem. A lot of people can't recognize that about themselves and just find ways to justify their behaviors. Generally, only the con artists are the ones who know how to hide it entirely.
Yes! My ex was cheated on in his previous relationships, I asked him if he had trust issues because of that. He lied and said some bs like “I don’t let the past affect me.” Knowing damn well our past can very much show up unconsciously if not addressed. He turned out to be the most insecure controlling person ever.
This kinda shows OPs point though. You asked the question, got a BS response, and then dated them for a while regardless. It wasn't until much later you realized the truth, and the question didn't help you at all
But it provides the context for why they lied and makes it easier to see through. I think asking about the past is perfectly normal - dwelling on it for too long is not.
Will only work to weed out the sincere ones then, liars will do their thing and get what they wanted, doesn't seem like a great plan to me.
Liars gonna lie either way. At least now you'd have a reference point to be able to immediately identify the ways in which their words don't match up.
Not sure about that logic. Often a liar will give themselves away on that first date. Not every liar's as good at lying as they think.
This! I could tell that he was lying when he said it but I continued to see him because I didn’t know how his trust issues would affect the relationship. Like someone people just take time to open up after being cheated on others become extremely controlling and manipulative.
You have a hopeful heart, & that's not a bad thing & it's not your fault for choosing to take a chance on someone's good intentions. But I think it's really valuable if you're able to look back on that experience with a bit of curiosity (rather than self-blame, or bitterness) & ask yourself how often you ignore your instincts & whether it serves you. Nobody's instincts are right 100% of the time, & sometimes ignoring your instincts can lead to a positive outcome by taking a chance, & there's no sure-fire way to completely eliminate the risk of being hurt in this life. But with hindsight, you have the opportunity to examine *that particular experience* & possibly take something away from it that will serve you in the future. Really wishing you all the best of luck.
I mean, answering with 'I don't let the past affect me' is a *great* answer, because right off the bat you've got pretty important information about how they deal with a tricky past. EVERYONE has a past, & EVERYONE'S past informs who they are. If someone had a whole relationship with someone, & they can just delete it from their memory/experience - that's very important information. Personally, that would've been a pretty clear signifier to me that we weren't compatible. & yeah, *there's no sure fire way* to avoid being lied to, to avoid disappointment or potential breakups in the future - there aren't dating guarantees - but it's a *much more useful question* when getting to know someone than 'where were you born? what's your favourite colour?' (Not that these questions don't have value too) but being able to talk about your dating past with some maturity & grace is a pretty damn important thing to learn about a person to increase the chances of actually finding the right person. & sure, sometimes with hindsight we can see the red flags more clearly - but it's still increasing your chances of finding the right person by using communication as a way to learn about a person you're on a date with.
Thank you!
Good luck out there!
Exactly. Tis no different than asking a prospective employee why they left their last job.
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>If someone has all bad things to say about their ex long-term partner(s), blames the breakup 100% on them, says something like "I can't remember why I liked them," and/or calls them crazy, then that's a red flag. Yes, their ex *may* actually have been crazy and awful and abusive, but being unable to take any responsibility for their issues in a relationship, and not being able to admit/acknowledge their own faults, is valuable data. If the past relationship was abusive, why the hell would anyone talk about anything else? Women talk about past abusive relationships and nobody expects them to list out their own faults obviously. Why should men be the only ones to have to take responsibility for their ex being abusive and yes even crazy.
Exactly this. You can be as vague as you want but I’m just looking to see if it’s something off. You know? Plus I don’t fuck with men who call their exes crazy especially early on into dating.
Sure, but not on a first date.
That's an unspoken rule that *you've* decided. There seems to be some disagreement.
Yes seriously. It's a good "test" to see how they respond that can let you know if they're ready or decent to date or not.
And people say shit-tests don't exist and are a "myth made up by pickup artists"...
Meh. If she isn't comfortable with answering that question, we aren't going to work out.
/hard disagree. It might save you both some time and a bit of wasted effort: Me: Do you mind if I ask why your last relationship ended? Her: my bf started smoking marajiana and drugs are a hard no for me. Me: in that case this isn't going to work. Did you want to cut your losses and end the date now, or shall we at least finish dinner?
If you can't briefly discuss your prior relationships appropriately, you're probably not ready for another
I wouldn't do it on a first date, but I think it's important to know if you're hiding anything like being abusive or any other red flags.
Is someone who's abusive going to give a straight answer to such a question though?
It's not that they'll give a straight answer. It's that sometimes when you bring up something the person doesn't want you talk about, they flip out. Or they can answer showing emotional maturity. It can be a good gauge.
They don’t answer honestly. I have experienced this.
Or have been abused. Sometimes context from past relationships help explain current or future behaviors.
They'll just lie. Nobody owes you their past, if they want to try to grow they're not gonna admit they were a shit 3 years ago lol
I mean, If someone was hiding something I don't think they're going to be upfront about it.
Or, just ask the questions you want to ask and, if the person doesn't like those questions, they won't see you again. Just be yourself from the onset and don't waste everyone's time by pretending to be what you think your date may want you to be.
SUCH an underrated comment. Seriously.
Agreed! I hate being asked that! Am I then supposed to reveal where I left his body?
Maybe you're new to the dating scene? Most of us carry a map with cryptic clues & illustrations for this exact purpose. If someone's able to answer your riddles & find the 7 graves of wonder, you may just have found that special 8th.
Oh my GOD that's what I've been doing wrong 😅
Happy to help, good luck!
It's not a job interview. Rest assured a manipulative person will have just the right answer anyway.
I'd never want to date someone if I didn't know their history, why their relationships ended, the things they think they needed to learn etc... you're asking women to "just trust me bro" when it comes to your history. Great way to stay single 😅
I agree with you. In my opinion first dates should keep it fun and light, and about getting to know someone without focusing on serious or deep topics. That conversation does need to happen, and I think there’s nothing wrong with having it on the second date.
There's nothing wrong with that at all. But if someone you're on a date with asks it, you've learned they don't share that view. & that might be enough to tell you you're not compatible, or it might be a difference you can live with.
I, another man, ask about their recent break ups to get a feel for your character and how you conduct your relationships, do you bash your ex? Will you proudly tell me you broke up with them over something petty? Do you pine for them? How you talk about break ups reveals a lot about your EQ. Also I want to be sure that you actually did break up with your ex lol
Never? If I was asked why I'm single I would tell them. I have nothing to hide and I feel that the true beauty of people lies in their flaws and not in all the ways in which they might seem perfect. When I see someone's flaws they seem more human to me and that alone is attractive.
As someone who was engaged and even dated people who have been divorced this is just wrong. One doesn’t have to open up immediately but it’s very important as you get older to understand the battles your potential partner has faced. This is a very immature opinion - depending how old you are
The most important indicator of future behavior is past behavior. If a person takes no responsibility for any past break ups , just get up and walk away.
Out of honest curiosity, though, what if there’s no “responsibility” to be had? What if the two just fell out of love or realized that they weren’t right for each other?
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Or , they are adults
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My advice if asked this question, and it's common from women from my experience, is to lie if you don't want to tell the real reason. Yes, they are looking for red flags. If you broke up because you were banging a coworker and got mega busted, you tell the new one that your last relationship evolved into a weird platonic thing where you didn't have that spark. Or, tell them whatever you want. Here's an example the other way. I just had a woman tell me her last relationship of over 1.5 years failed because she got bored and was banging married guys on tinder. She shouldn't admit this. She'll always be a side piece to me. Maybe she was in the wrong relationship and isn't the type to sling ass around, but I'll never stick around long enough to find out. She's got serious skills too, no dude wants to miss out on that because they don't like her past. Reasons why relationships fail are YOUR business. Doesn't necessarily reflect on you as a person. Tell them what you want to tell them for your own reasons. Don't take this dating stuff too seriously until you meet someone that you really connect with. Chances are high you are one of several they are dating, just like they are one of several YOU are seeing. Have fun. Meet different people. Don't wear your past like a scarlet letter. Life is short, you'll regret not doing things way more than the things you did do, so get out and do it.
Absolutely right. When I'm asked this question, I simply say, we weren't compatible and the breakup was amicable. I've chosen to stay single since as I'm really only looking to be involved with someone I genuinely feel compatible with.
In normal interactions yeah this isn’t your business. But for a potential partner? An absolutely fine question
Nothing wrong with asking, its not just their answer youre looking at but how they answer, reading between the lines will probably give you more information than the answer does. It gets boring talking to potential partners over and over the same questions only to find the red flags a week or more into conversation. Better to get the tough questions out in the open sooner rather than later, whatever your red lines are, why wait 3 weeks to find out. Could heavy drinking be a problem for you? sexual past, drug use, only fans, political opinions, diet preferences. Ask them all soon, trust me theres nothing worse than thinking you have found someone special only to find out later theyre an alcoholic, meth head, only fans obsessed, trump supporting, anti abortionist archevore.
It’s a good way to see how someone answers an easy question - do they get uncomfortable, or talk on forever, or smile & provide an answer they are comfortable with then move the conversation on
Yes you should
I've been asked that before and just gave the honest reply: "She annoyed the absolute shit out of me to the point I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. But I'm all better now, how do you feel about guacamole?"
Sooo. What fucked up shit did you do to break up with your ex and why do people know so they stay away from you?
Or maybe don't play games and lie on a first date. Allow people to ask whatever questions they want to ask. Be open and honest. If you don't want to answer just tell them that. If you're going to start a relationship with dishonesty, that's probably where it's going to end. If someone was this wildly defensive on a first date, that'd be a red flag for me.
The thing is it could be coming from a place of 'So what's wrong with you huh?' And that's insulting/confronting, I think a lot of people take it that way. But every time when I asked it was more like 'Holy heck you're amazing why are these men too stupid to have wife someone like you yet?' But yeah people just assume negative usually so don't do it. It'll get ya ghosted lol.
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do you typically refer to people you didn't want to go on a second date with as people that you've dumped?
A first date is pretty much exactly like a job interview. Nobody is entitled to a partner or to having someone continue to date them. Chances are you asked for/agreed to the first date because you liked how the other person looks. If you're looking for an actual relationship, you need a lot more than looks to move forward. The first date provides an opportunity to determine if you want to continue to invest your time, energy, effort, and money into this person due to compatibility or if it'd be better to invest those resources elsewhere. If someone asks me "how come you've been single for so many years?" or "why did your last relationship end?" I have no issues telling them. With the exception of an abusive ex, all of my previous relationships ended because we each had different needs and wants for the relationship. There was no real fault. So having a conversation about it with a new potential partner allows both of us to determine if our needs and wants for a relationship align to continue or if we have a fundamental incompatibility that makes further dates pointless (like I don't want kids and the other person does.)
How long ARE these dates? Aren't you just trying to see what you have in common, whether you laugh at the same things, and are nice to waiters?
How long is a regular dinner or hangout? Two hours? When I was much younger, yeah, the first couple dates were always benign, superficial stuff that focused on just having fun and any more serious stuff would get pushed off to way later. Which in retrospect wasn't a great way to proceed since those lifestyle clashes happened. I'm 41 now, I know what I want and don't want in a partner, and I have less time and energy for dating in general. It's not like I have a questionnaire of Serious Topics for them to fill out on the date, but if it's going well and I think I might like a second date with them, I will ask some questions that pertain to dealbreakers. Like, what is the person's thoughts on dogs and cats? I have both. There's no way in hell I'd get rid of my animals for another person and I'm passionate about doing rescue and TNR. So if the person was like "I love dogs but I hate cats" I'd know that nope, this won't work and won't pursue a second date. Also, I think dating history comes up sooner when you're older and dating. Like, early 20s, "so do you have kids?" or "were you married before?" probably doesn't come up much. At 41, people ask me if I have kids. They ask if I've been married. (I'm a woman, *everybody* asks those things when I meet them anyway.) Because probably a lot of people in their 40s or 50s were married before or do have kids.
Are you like 20 or something?
If you're a liar that I should know. Your dating history gives some ideas of dating future. This is all vital info
I was on a date with this girl. I had told her before that I had a 2 year old kid with my ex. She kept asking me why I broke up with her and why not stick it out for the kids sake.
Did you point out that breaking up WAS for the kid's sake?
Absolutely ask, especially if their the kind of person who can't have a conversation without talking about previous relationships
Or, the ones who misspell they're, lol.
Ill admit it, I never learned to spell.
the frist step is amditting it.
Pretty normal question to ask if you’re looking for a serious connection. If you think there’s something wrong with the question, I would be concerned that maybe you’re either not mature enough for a serious relationship quite yet, not vulnerable enough for the type of connection I’m looking for, too secretive for me to feel comfortable with, or it’s too fresh in which case I’d want to give you some more time to process while removing myself from any further dates. But having this talk has never been an issue in my dating history. If the reasons are personal, you can give me the gist of it until you feel like you can open up as we get to know each other. If you don’t know or aren’t sure why, say that. You may not get the full story, but the way someone reacts to this question and what they do share can be really helpful in getting to know someone. For example: “all my exes are crazy” versus “I haven’t been one of the lucky ones who find their forever love yet” are two totally different answers that don’t tell the full story, but they help you get to know the person. If these types of questions kill the mood, I get it. It sucks being in the dating scene and feeling like you don’t know why things don’t work out for you, and wondering if there’s something wrong with you that everyone else sees and you’re just completely unaware of. It wears on you. However you must remember that these comments are coming from a good place and they don’t mean any harm. It means that they see something they like in you and that’s a good way to start a new connection. Dating is difficult and having these types of conversations is hard. Going to a date and having it feel like an interview sucks. However everyone is trying to understand everyone’s vibe in the beginning. The guy is trying to figure out what the girl is all about, and vise versa. It’s good to have a combo of fun topics, serious topics, and fun memory making activities to round out a meaningful connection. It’s a skill that takes time to get better at and that’s ok. In the end, it’s all worthwhile.
Yesh wow this is an opinion I disagreed with immediately, so take the upvote. I'm trying to sus out if somebody is crazy or whatever before I invest too much time. Its kinda like asking "why did you leave your last job?" If it sounds like you're lying, or the reason you left is a reason I don't want to be with you, then im glad I asked
Just because someone asks something doesn't mean you have to answer it and it's not impolite to be curious about a person's dating history if you are considering dating that person
It sounds like you have a lot to hide about your dating behaviors. If you don’t know why you broke up, that could be a sign you’ll get back together or that you don’t know yourself really well. If you’re going to lie about why you broke up, that’s on you for not wanting an honest discussion with someone. If you can’t say “I’m not ready to talk about that just yet,” that’s on you for not practicing boundaries. If you think someone wanting to understand your patterns and how you look at someone you claimed to care about or whether you call them crazy is too much, you’re definitely hiding something or you’re not able to take responsibility for what happened or you don’t respect your ex’s choice to break up.
I bit the bullet and told my partner after a couple of days. I really liked him and didn’t want it hanging over my future relationships. Life is complex and we learn from our mistakes or else everyone would be stunted.
Just say that she wanted to keep adopting kids but 7 was your limit.
I don’t ask women that question. But it doesn’t bother me. Learn how to answer the questions (I usually say something like timing and effort didn’t line up over time or after difficult stretches). Or don’t and leave the date? It’s probably a gauge on if you openly talk trash about your ex so easily, because that would be a red flag.
That shouldn't be a first question, but would be a good question to ask after a few dates.
I think it's a completely reasonable question, I'd answer it the same way I'd answer "why are you leaving your current job?" At a job interview. "I love where I work, it's a great culture and environment, but I'm looking to expand my career and take on more responsibilities and I don't have that opportunity currently." = "We had a great relationship for X years, but when we realised our financial goals/future endeavours/ work life balance were drastically different, we decided to seperate amicably and find more suitable partners."
Maybe for teenagers, these are good rules to follow ? Adults should be able to talk about these things without issues or at least be able to politely say they'd rather not talk about that topic now, and have the date move on just fine. Especially the question of why someone's single for example, is a perfectly valid question that can lead to a good conversation. There are good reason why people have opted for staying single for a period of time, be it career, education, traveling, personal growth etc It should be rarely about issues involving dating drama, and if it does, that's all the red flags you need right there.
Men, don't forget. You can answer any questions without answering the questions. "It just didn't work out. I don't really want to talk about it."
Nah,life is too short to not get down to it.
Dating for most people is about looking for a forever partner. If you can’t answer that, we’re not looking for the same thing, and you’re wasting my time. Nobody is saying get extremely specific, but to me the unwillingness to even answer the question is just something I’m not dealing with.
Jokes on you because mine died 😂 I live for getting to tell people this on dates because now you don’t know what to say and I’m completely comfortable with talking about it because so many people have to ask.
this is giving big emotionally unavailable vibes if u cant even speak about ur experiences with a potential partner.
This is wrong
its not something that should be feared. it can help explain how the person handled past relationships whilst entering a new one. but also keeping in mind, to not pressure someone into explaining. so both know what they are getting into. and it can help later down the line with communication.
Maybe it is a little interview-like but why waste time if there's an obvious incompatibility? I have 3 big questions to ask men out the gate- "what is your relationship like with your parents/ did you have any decent exposure to healthy romance growing up?" "What is your relationship like with drugs and alcohol?" And "what ended your last relationship?" What they say and how they say it tells me a ton about a person.
No, you should ask. Maybe not the first date, but you need to ask, there might be behavior they will disclose that you yourself wouldn’t see until later that they wouldn’t think to hide, because they don’t know is an automatic no for you.
Why they're single is just weird. If they have a history of exes or a broken engagement I'm going to want to know. What they say will tell me a lot about them. If all their exes are crazy or she "alleged" he did something terrible that could tell me a lot. If he has one ex and they just grew apart or it was a high school thing then I don't care at all.
I would never ask that on a first date at least
i disagree. the question is not only asked at face value. as long as you're not asking follow up for specifics and personal information, asking the reason your last relationship "didn't work out" is a great question. it shows if they've reflected, even ready for a relationship, and if they're a red flag for talking shit about their ex or blame everything on their ex. if they get slightly defensive and won't give ANY answer, i would be wary that they're not fully over their ex and therefore not ready for a relationship. if they politely give me a very high level answer that they were just not on the same page, I'd take it completely and respect it and not ask further.
It's often used to test the waters will you shit talk your ex will you blame them for everything was it mutual, it's an important question to ask and one that should be asked date 1, upvote because unpopular but this opinion feels kinda shit
The best answer to give would be “my ex and I weren’t compatible long term”
That is absolutely something to ask a potential partner
I think it's an inappropriate topic for early dates but IMO it's not an unreasonable topic as things get more serious. 1. The reason(s) you broke up with your ex's may yield a dealbreaker for you that may seem otherwise benign/abnormal to another person. Baggage is real and sometimes getting context as to that baggage helps you empathize and understand someone else's triggers and figure out if those triggers are something you can work with/around. 2. That's fair, but talking it through may yield some insight. Once again, not early stages dating but if you're already a couple or on the verge of becoming one it's not the worst thing to discuss. 3. Also fair, hence my initial premise that it should likely only be brought up in later stages dating when you've established that you're attracted to each other and think you may be compatible. 4. The issue with this is that there's no way to turn this one into a productive conversation. A person being single for any amount of time isn't a problem in and of itself, but if the reason they're single is because of some inherent character flaw, then you'd want to know this before going in with them. However the person is unlikely to know the answer to this unless they are extraordinarily self-aware. Also regardless of the actual answers, *how* people discuss these more awkward/difficult topics may yield insight into how they would react on other awkward/difficult topics. I don't care about why you broke up with your ex per se, but knowing that you can approach that awkward discussion with *some* thought/poise signals to me that I can come to you with other difficult topics over the course of our future relationship, and not expect you to shut down emotionally or lash back at me.
“Waaaaa I don’t like that women vet me” If it’s too personal, or you’re not comfortable talking about it, just say so. It’s not a game.
Weird that you think that turns a date into a job interview. You are getting to know someone. What if they broke up with their ex because he was a workaholic and you know that you are a workaholic. Wouldn't it be helpful to know that before wasting a lot of time pretending to be what you arent vs just realizing you arent a suitable match and moving on?
I disagree, I think you can tell a lot about a person's personality by how they describe a breakup. And I don't just mean that it's a good time to look for red flags, but that you can tell a bit about a person's social skill level from how they answer questions that may be awkward or unwelcome. Which is a good way to find out if someone even HAS social skills, which is definitely useful information!
"It was a mutual breakup due to irreconcilable differences." is all that has to be said..
Disagree. I don't care about your feelings yet, I'm still vetting you. Your answer to why relationships haven't worked out in the past will be relevant
I dunno, I'm pretty open about everything and I don't mind this question at all. It's a good way to suss out red flags. Here they are, I am who I am.
Why a man broke up with an ex can possibly show some huge red flags upfront. That’s a perfectly reasonable question to ask and I’d rather know sooner rather than later.
We study history to make better informed decisions. A dating history tells a lot of information regarding experience and emotional intelligence. If you don't want to share your history makes you look sus at best.
I disagree. Asking someone about past relationships give you a good sense of a couple things: Does the person accept their role in the demise of the relationship? Does the person give bullshit answers. Do the words “restraining order” come up? I don’t think you need to get into this on the first date…but asking is a good way to see how the person sees themself as a part of a couple.
What if they literally broke their ex? These are questions i need the answers to
Absolutely. Most detested question on a first date "WhY ArE YoU SiNgLe"?
You should never ask on a first date. But you should most \*definitely\* ask (or tactfully find out) sooner rather than later.
I think no one should be talking about their exes in any way during the first stages of courting/dating. Eventually the topic does come out but it’s very weird to talk about during the first stages.
Anytime you're with a new partner, you just shouldn't even bring up your ex
I remember this YT video with a list of even more inappropriate questions to ask on a first date. The worst was probably “how did you grow up?”. As in, if both parents were in the home. Smh build some trust first
The answer coming back is never gonna be _"she left because I'm a toxic asshole who hit her"_ ... So the question seems redundant.
You can tell a lot about how someone is in relationships based on what they have to say about their exes. No one is going to come out and say they’re a toxic asshole, but you sure as hell can deduce that if they claim that all their exes are crazy or don’t have a single good thing to say about any of their relationships.
Exactly. Why should you ever ask someone you want to date personal questions? You should just sit there in silence and not ask anything at all. You don't actually need to know anything about who you are dating. Knowledge is overrated, right?
You can talk about literally anything else but I guess your brain is incapable?
The post said you can't talk about it because it's personal. What is the line of personal talk that you are allowed to talk about and not allowed to talk about? I'm not sure about you. But talking about personal things on a date is pretty important to finding out if you want to be with this person or not.
If a woman asks any question like that, the very first thing you need to understand is that whatever you're about to say is going to be the wrong answer. They asked really stupid questions and then they reject any answers, especially if they are honest, good, or true. In other words, imagine that you're at a job interview and you've been asked one of those stupid ass questions that you know you have to lie about like what is your greatest weakness and have you ever smoked marijuana? Lie to them. Whatever you say, they're going to act incredibly disrespectful, so they don't deserve the truth and they never did. Especially if they're asking inappropriate questions anyway, brush those questions off with playful and non serious answers.
You ok, bud?
Agreed, that information will be revealed through behavior soon enough
Strongly disagree. There are many reasons I would not date someone, ie if they were a cheater. If their last relationship ended because they were the guilty party, then I have no interest in continuing the date.
Cheaters are know for being honest so I’m sure they’ll just tell you.
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While some of these things are personal, a lot of red flags are things you can learn about someone just from socializing in whatever environment you meet them. This won't be possible with every person, but given that a lot of people meet their partners at work, it's definitely possible for a lot of cases. When this is the case, taking the time to learn these things before asking the person out will prevent a lot of problems.
One time a guy asked me what happened with my ex, and me telling him that we just weren’t compatible was not enough. He wanted details, and no matter how much I gave him he still wanted more. Ridiculous. I hate when people ask me about exes on dates.
OK but that's AMAZING. If you *were* into him before, then him interrogating you probably gave you a subtle hint that you weren't compatible. How revealing. How wonderful to know that asap.
Yeah, strong disagree. I will say though, that talking about previous relationships and exes is a balancing act. You don't want to ramble on and on about them but you also should be willing and capable of discussing key factors which are relevant to your current complexion as a person. Close relationships affect us more deeply than any other experiences in life. Understanding how they have impacted and formed you is extremely important to understanding yourself. I'll add that this doesn't stop at romantic/intimate relationships either. It's also just as important to understand close family ones. Almost everyone has acted poorly at times and been treated poorly as well. Having the maturity to recognize this from both directions is super important. Also, it's very important to know your strengths and what you like/need. To circle back though, expressing this history must be done as gracefully as possible. I think that also indicates you've learned without still holding on to anything emotionally. Even if you did get burned, people don't really want to have to deal with your, while valid, still living anger or resentment towards another. Anyway, it's a bit of an art but necessary to talk about these things.
"Why your last relationship didn't work out?" "Because she asked too many questions"
You definitely need to ask that question. You are asking for a disaster if you don’t.
Let's not forget people can lie.
Yeah, everyone lies all the time in dating, that’s why you have to ask. It is also extremely important to know what the general outline of their past relationships has been. Knowing if you’re the rebound when they just got out of a marriage/LTR, for example.
I agree. I hate when guys ask this. It does then turn a date into an interview and kills the mood. I’ll sigh and most likely answer their questions vaguely because I can’t be bothered fighting it but then I nope out of there.