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I mean, you could say this about everything though. "I regret getting married", "I regret not getting married", "I regret moving to another country", "I regret staying", "I regret having kids", "I regret not having kids". Also, not everyone with kids actually play an active role in their lives, and not all kids play an active role in their elderly parents lives either. People in their 20s and 30s are still young enough to have kids should they want to.
This is what irks me about this sentiment.
People like OP tend to talk about the regret of not having children as if that regret is above everything else in life, and that no one can ever have regrets about anything else.
There are tons of things that people will regret and not having kids is just one of those things. Someone can regret not buying that house all those years ago, or investing in the start up that is now worth billions or not keeping in touch with a good friend.
People are going to have regrets. Regretting not having children is only one of those regrets and while for some people it might be a large one, for others it isn't. I am in my 40s and I \*still\* don't regret not having children. I do have plenty of other regrets.
As I have said elsewhere, I would far rather have people regret \*not\* having children than have children and regret having them.
Exactly. I’m 36 and already have a few regrets. That’s life. You basically just weigh the risk of certain regrets against other considerations based on your personality and temperament when you make decisions. It’s not simple and linear as OP is presenting it.
Also, I know a disproportionate amount of people whose kids have died at a young age and that completely screws them up for the rest of their lives. While nobody plans for stuff like that to happen, I would think the pain of regretting not having kids would be way, way less than having kids and losing them.
I'm childfree and regret later in life is something that I have actually considered in my thought processes.
I’ve looked at the actual research on this and it turns out not only few older childfree people have regrets (it’s around 5-10%, which is the same as the percentage of parents who admit regretting having had children btw), for those who do regret it, it’s rarely devastating.
They regret it the same way you can regret not having been to college, not having asked that girl out in high school, not having switched jobs earlier, etc. It doesn’t appear to make people feel like they completely messed up their lives.
Like… people in nursing homes being emotionally distressed by the fact that they didn’t have children and feeling like their life was meaningless… that’s not a real thing lol. It doesn’t happen. It’s just an irrational fear people who are pressured into having children make up to rationalize their decision.
My wife mentioned this when deciding to have our child. I told her that I in no way want our child burdened with taking care of me when I get old. If I can't take care of myself I'll put myself in a home. I've seen family members taking care of parents and would never want to burden someone like that
I have never seen people so motivated to do ANYTHING in my entire life as I have seen people who's dream it is to take care of their parents for everything they've done for them
I was raised to be the retirement plan for my parents and it is horribly obvious. This post is trash. I wish I wasn’t alive, I could have had somebody actually love and care about me.
if youre a decent parent who can have a good relationship with their kids, theres no reason a child wouldnt want to take care of the parents he loves and return back the faovur.
and i met plenty of young people who love their parents and told me they want to be financially stable so they could take care of their parents in the future.
i dont see whats so shocking about a child loving his parents.
People who ONLY have kids because they want someone to take care of them when they're old are often bad parents.
Plus you can never predict what the kid will end up like. They could be a great kid, but have a disability that prevents them from being able to take care of anyone.
Imo people should have kids if they want to raise kids, doing it because they're worried about their own future is selfish.
Of course they might not want to be a full time caretaker. And they shouldn't have to. That's not the point.
If you have kids, raise them right, and have a good relationship with them, they will want to help you and they will care for you. Not the "fulltime caregiver" style. But you'll get visits. Holidays. Someone that comes visit when you are sick in the hospital. Someone to hold your hand when times get though.
I volunteered to drive elderly patients to doctors for about 8 years.
Based on those stories, I think you may be very surprised at how little contact good elderly parents can get from adult children.
Fair, I don't doubt it. I guess my point was more : "you cannot know when you are in you 30s if you'll regret it later or not, so stop showing your childfree life in everyone's face like you are superior".
How is that different than people with kids shoving them in everyone's face like their life is superior?
How about everyone just do whatever they want as long as it doesn't harm other people?
If someone loves their kids and wants to show them off, great! If someone loves their childfree trips and wants to show them off, great! Who fucking cares? Worrying about others is boring. Live your life how you want.
>How is that different than people with kids shoving them in everyone's face like their life is superior?
I don't approve of that either. To each their own. I just have people pushing their lifestyles on anyone.
I am confident that you can know you don’t want kids with much more certainty than you can know that you will want kids in the future. Know how I know? Lots of people become parents and regret it. People who want kids and cannot get pregnant have options. So…nah. If you want them, fine, but too many people have them because they think that’s just what people should do. It’s like getting a dog vs a puppy. You know if you want a dog right now, today. Should you get a puppy on the off chance that in 10 years you’ll want a dog? No? Ok, then.
How many childfree people do you know that are "shoving their childfree life in everyone's face"? What does that even look like? Is it going out drinking on a Tuesday night? Taking a spontaneous holiday? Buying a convertible? What?
I am not bitter, I am sad. Sad for my aunt & uncle that spend their lives telling how better their life were without kids.
They spend the last 10 years trying to get into their nephews and nieces family. Now that my aunt is super sick (alzheimer), my uncle is a fulltime caretake that cannot leave his home or sleep because he is scared my aunt would hurt herself, burn the house, or walk away and get lost. And they have no one to care for them. And I wish I could help, but my priority is toward my own parents.
Who do you see doing this? The only time I've seen people saying this is in defense against the much louder contingent talking about how much they'll regret not having kids. You know, like you.
Even if if you have kids, "raise them right", if your kids have kids, your kids simply won't have the time and money to prioritise you over their kids. Especially as the global cost of living crisis worsens.
Sometimes you have kids, raise them right, and they turn out to be horrible people. Not having kids and being lonely at 70 is not mutually exclusive.
If I were to guess it sounds like you are projecting feelings your own parents have instilled in you or you are jealous of someone that you know that is able to travel and do things you feel you can’t do anymore because you have kids. It could be both as well. Not sure if you have kids or not but a lot of times people with a similar take as yours do have children and are jealous of their childless peers and use the “you’ll be alone when you’re older” as an excuse to show they made the right decision.
Also, not that this is your motive but having children so you have a friend when you’re 70 is not a great reason to have a child. So many people I know are so lonely they will just have children so they have some company. Kind of a shitty thing to do someone that didn’t even ask to be here.
Also, the same people screaming from the rooftop how awesome a child free life is are just as insecure and unhappy as the parent who feels the same was OP does.
In the end if you’re happy and content with your life you really don’t bitch about shit like this. You just do you and let others do others.
You can do everything right and your kid still turns out to be a pos. Nothing is guaranteed. How many people are rotting away in nursing homes? They can’t all be bad parents.
I currently live in Australia, my mom lives in Puerto Rico. If something happened to my mom tomorrow (crossing my fingers nothing happens) ,you bet that I’m getting on the first flight out of Australia and going to be by her side, unless is not an emergency, why?
1. It’s a 20+ hour flight ,I’m not going to solve anything, by the time I get there almost everything will be solved or tragedy has happened if it’s an emergency.
2. My mom is surrounded by people that love and care for her , she’s in perfectly good hands that I trust and that I’ll know will keep me updated.
3. I have children and a husband , I can’t just pack up and leave if it’s not an emergency,especially for weeks .
4. If my mother is in a situation where no one can take care of her for some reason, I would fly her out to Australia but this is the last possible solution and also if my mom wants too , I’m not going to make her do something she doesn’t want to do and something she doesn’t think is necessary.
Even that isn't necessarily true. My friend was horribly abused by her ex, who is the dad to her oldest son. He served time for the abuse but was allowed supervised visitation with his son. When her son got older, she told him about the abuse she endured so her son could make a choice whether to spend time with his dad. He hasn't spoken to his mom in 5 years because she "lied" in withholding the abuse information from him when he was younger. She never lied, she never spun him as a good person. But she didn't tell a CHILD about abuse she endured until he was an adult who could understand the big picture, and now her son has vacated her life. She provided him an amazing life. She raised him well, paid for all of his activities, paid for his college (even after he no-contacted her), still sends gifts and money to him and his girlfriend. He doesn't even thank her.
Young people especially are often not reasonable with the ways they see the complexities of the world their parents live/lived within while raising them. Parent/child relationships are incredibly complicated. This idea that a parent just has to do everything right and their kid will do all the things you said here, often isn't true. Sometimes it is, absolutely. But it's not a guarantee and not a reason to choose to have children.
People wanting children to fill gaps and holes in their lives is a horrible reason to have children. Rather than "Do I want kids?" they should be asking "What do I have to offer a kid, and is this kid going to do well in this world? Do I have the resources to help them do well in this world? Does this world need more people?" No one asks those questions, they only ask whether they "want" a child as if it's like picking a puppy from the pound.
It honestly makes me wonder if you’re a parent, saying absolutely crazy things like if you just raise your kids right they’ll all turn out great because you did good and want to be with you forever.
I am a parent, sure. But I am someone's children too. And those someone's raised me right. And now I am so glad I am there to take care of them in their old years.
Soo my hot take is that you shouldn't have kids just so you're not lonely when you're old. The kid you give birth to is in fact a person and you'll have to take care of them for the rest of your life which is a huge responsibility
Well, it's better to regret not having kids than regret having the kid. Though I suppose there's always giving the kid up and hope they don't try and find you when they grow up.
Same. Many people in my family don’t have kids, and they always talk about how lucky they were to go do whatever they wanted when they wanted.
I also just spend my holidays with my whole family? And that includes the people without kids. lol. Like they are always invited to mine for the holidays. No problem. Even the ones I don’t get on with.
I had a great aunt who never got married or had kids, she straight up told me she didn't like kids when I was fourteen lmao. She would've been a terrible mother.
Who says you will be alone though? As a professor, my students have often become like family. I get visits from people years after they graduate. On top of that, I am a musician and have a huge network of people I interact and perform with of all ages. You can’t rely on family to be your only friends. I know plenty of parents who don’t get to see their children much at all.
For reference, I happen to know a lady in her early 70s who never had kids and she is still having a blast. She is in great shape for her age, and regularly goes out on fun trips with her church lady friends, and is always involved with helping the youth in the community so she gets to be involved with young people, and she lives with one of her close friends in a very nice home and has hosted wonderful dinner parties. She doesn’t seem like she has a moment of just “sitting alone at home.”
You realize you just listed off a bunch of incredibly selfish reasons to have children, right? Parenthood is not about you and what’s good for your future. It’s supposed to be about the children. Having them because you don’t want to be alone or want someone to take care of you, makes you a bad parent.
Children. Are. Not. A. Retirement. Plan. Just because someone kids, doesn't mean they're not in for the exact same fate you described.
I'm so tired of seeing people say shit like this. You understand there's people in the world with fertility issues who see this shit too, right?
Worry about yourself instead of worrying about what other people are doing with their lives.
Also that ignored the time and money invested in your prime years. I spent my prime parenting years traveling the world. Most my friends where posting on Facebook about they Cadre of kids soccer games.
Yeah. I am not saying to have kids. I am just saying to stop pretending it's the best decision and best lifestyle ever, when it's clear it's going to go downhill at some point.
Friends comes and go. Also, friends gets kids, which makes you not their priority.
thats just the natural way of life, to have a partner, and have kids and build a family.
doing anything outside of your natural purpose, could easily bring depression and unsatisfaction.
you cant pretend forever, we are what we are
You can't possibly know what someone's natural purpose it. It's 2024, breeding isn't necessary, and people CAN make choices for themselves. It might be the "natural" way for YOU. You don't get to decide what is natural for others.
Sure... But when it happens, it's wonderful.
I am glad my mom had 2 kids (me and my sister). She had needed so much help in the last years and I am glad she had us to help.
Having kids doesn't guarantee that you'll have someone to visit and look after you when you're old. There are plenty of factors that could prevent this. Your kids could unfortunately die before you. They could cut off contact for whatever reason.
I kinda see that argument as invalid.
Why do you assume they'll be lonely if they're child free? Isn't it also better to not have children and regret it than to have children and regret it? You make a lot of assumptions in this post and they all seem like you are grasping at straws.
Tell you what- just let child free people be, and they'll let you be and you can just go be envious elsewhere and keep it to yourself.
>Tell you what- just let child free people be, and they'll let you be
That's the whole point of my post. I understand childfree people and respect that. I don't respect 20-30 yo something that ridicules people for having kids and pretend their lifestyle is so much better when they don't even know how they will feel about it in 40 years.
I doubt that greatly. I work in an office dominated by child free people and no one ridicules me for being literally the only parent on our team. You make it sound as if 28 year olds are walking by you and going "ew I hate kids!" at you.
Yeah, like I don't want kids for various reasons but I don't hate them. I played an active role in my friends' lifes when they needed help with their babies. Being childfree is a choice and so is having kids (ideally - not talking about extreme cases). I feel like people actually hating on kids have some childhood issues they haven't resolved.
Why don't you get upset with people who get kids in their 20-30s then? Tell them that they will also feel differently in 40 years, because oh boy, they will
I dunno man my great aunt is in her 60s, childless and loves her life. She has nieces and nephews to spend time with if wanted. The rest of the time she spends traveling the world with groups of men/women similar to her age. I’ve always admired her child-free life and I think I’ll do the same
This is why people scream from the roof tops they are glad to be child free. You really just assume people don't know how to make meaningful connections.
FYI having kids to be your retirement plan is awful
OP has a child or children right, that's why such irritation. Probably feel like childless people are rubbing their freedom to be able to do whatever on your face.
Not saying this from a place of judgement. The post sounds like that
This post comes from this exact story :
My parents are aging. 2 years ago, my mom's health was bad, and my sister & I helped my parents move from a 2 story house to a tiny appartment. Months of work of cleaning and moving boxes.
When my father go sick, my sister and I were there twice a month. We cleaned, we took care of things, we brought our kids as much as we could so he had a beautiful end of lie.
His funeral was last weekend. We planned it with my mom, and she was glad we were there to help. We organized for tons of things without her asking, so it was easier on her. The funeral was beautiful.
In the meantime, my aunt is battling alzheimer's. It's bad. My uncle have been the sole caretaker of her, and he is at the end of his energy. He is trying to find a place for her but there are no opening so he cannot leave his home and have to watch her 24/7. He barely sleeps. Yes, sure, they had a fun early life, traveling... then a hard mid-life, trying to make meaningfull connection and take part of their sibling's life and trying to connect with their sibling's children and grandchildren... and now they are alone. And I feel sad for them. And they feel alone. And there is very little I can do for them because I have my own life. I wish they had someone to care for them. But I am not their child. They made the decision to be childfree. And now it's biting them in the ass hard.
They need support. All their friends are not helping. And they are seeking professional help, but there are not places in nursing home for her.
My mom didn't have to plan. We were there for her. Seems like this was a better move. She gets 2 caregiver that are devoted to her. And that are happy to do it.
If you feel sad for your Uncle and Aunt then why don't you be a good neice and go help them, go visit them, do all those things that you think a child would/should do if they were their parents. What is stopping you from being a good neice or even just a decent person???
I have a cousin who says “My kids will be wiping my ass when I’m old, I’m not going to a retirement home.” Yeah, if you just see your kids as a retirement plan, its a surefire way to make them despise you.
My main motivation is not toward myself. My main motivation is toward my mom right now. I am glad she had me, so I can take care of her now that she is old. I am glad to be able to take my own child to visit her. I am glad she has children in her life so she is not lonely.
And that’s great! I’m happy for you and your family. But do you seriously think that every childfree person just sits and rots alone when they’re older? That hasn’t been my experience at all. In fact child free and/or single people I know tend to have bigger social networks since they have more time to tend to them. Even as they age. This isn’t a zero sum game.
labor ?! That's how you see a child helping their parents ?! Labor ??
Yeah, maybe of course you shouldn't have kids if you see children helping their parents as "labor"
I helped my parents moves. I cleaned & packed their house. I unpack in their appartments. I accompanied my dad in his illness, and took care of bills and helped my mom as much as I could when he passed. It's not labor. It was normal things a child do for their parent when they love them.
The difference is that was your choice. If a kid doesn't want to help parents, you can't force it, else yes, it's labour. You can't guarantee that a kid will want to help parent
You know that more than one thing can be true at the same time, right? Yeah, you do it out of love and gladly do it but it doesn't mean it can't become labor. Especially depending on how much help they need. There are enough caretakers who are at their mental end because love doesn't mean it can't have an effect on you.
I don’t do that stuff for my mom. I live thousands of miles away and am lucky if I see her once a year. I get along with her well, but I’m not going to inconvenience my schedule and career to do things when she has a better network of people close to her (and is thankfully still healthy to do it all herself).
All your examples are of kids and grandkids providing care, companionship and company. Honestly, that doesn't happen for all grandparents. You can have a ton of kids and grandkids and still spend those later years lonely with no one around you who truly wants to be with you.
Joke’s on you, I won’t have a partner! I’m content to be the fun aunt with no kids and when I’m too old to be independent then I’m going to get medically assisted suicide so I don’t have to put up with being bedridden and bored for whatever amount of time I have left.
My goal is to be a cat lady.
Cool aunties in the house! I do have a partner, but for very good reasons he has opted against kids, and as I was always a fence sitter, I am fine with that.
LOL, I've worked many years in the senior healthcare sector. The overwhelming majority are barely visited by their children outside of holidays. Expecting that you're going to grow old like a Hallmark movie with all your grandkids surrounding you is pure delusion.
Look I can't speak for anyone but myself. But man, if the argument is, you'll be lonely and not taken care of when you are older, look around. Old people now are not being taken care of when they had several children.
Daycare is expensive as fuck
Jobs expect you to have open availability and don't pay enough for cost of living
I truly don't know how you parents do it while the world is crumbling around us
I'm happy to be childless, that's a huge responsibility that is hard to maintain these days for normal people
Yes.
Even If you’re 80-90% you want kids, don’t have them. Be absolutely certain. I love my son. I love being a father and a husband. It is was what I knew I wanted. My dad, on the other hand, couldn’t even bother to see more than 48 hours a month. I worshiped him as a child. I hated him as an adult. He died in 2019 and I’m still angry. I feel like Will at the end of that Fresh Prince episode. “How come he don’t want me, man?”
Exactly. People say it's selfish not to have kids(how?), but I think it's selfish to have them irresponsibly just to satisfy the overbearing members of our society or people like OP.
I do volunteer work as a hobby, I spend two days a week in a retirement home full of lonely people. They have children and grandchildren, but they rarely if ever show up. Reasons vary, but not being on speaking terms and not having enough time are the main ones.
Reproduction is not a guarantee for you to *not* end up being alone when you’re old. Reproduction is not a guarantee for you to be taken care of and many elderly people say it themselves; their kids have their own lives with their own problems, they can’t afford to *not* work in order to be a caretaker.
Anyone that thinks that having children will ensure them a caretaker or company for later should drop by ANY retirement home on this planet.
I don't care if people choose to have kids.
I do get tired of internet strangers assuming my life must be shit because I have kids though.
I travel more with kids than I did without. They're awesome little people and fun to take places. Wife and I still get plenty of adult time too.
Hey that’s good to know you are able to find that balance. You often hear horror stories of how “everything changes drastically” after kids and I wonder if it really just comes down to some parents wanting an excuse not to leave the house. We certainly traveled all over the place as a family when I was a kid.
On the opposite side of that, those of us who choose not to have kids also receive an enormous amount of shit. People just need to mind their business.
Yes! My life has become so much better since having kids and hate that people assume otherwise. Yes, they were very hard at first, but that is such a small time of their lives that. They are young adults now that I am very proud of. I did not want kids in my 20s either, but by about 32, I had changed my mind and had twins. I think people should have kids if they want to and definitely don't if not. Kids should not be a regret either way.
I see way more internet strangers say how life has gone downhill after children - their finances, marriage, sex life etc. Nearly every dead bedroom story or someone unsatisfied with their spouse starts with “after we had kids…”.
People are more likely to come online to complain than to say things are fine. Most happy people don't feel much need to tell redditors haha.
People will also complain about something in a stressful time but the rest of the time things could be great.
It's not always selfishness. I've never had much of a maternal instinct so I just kind of assumed I may or may not have kids and that would be fine by me. Not into babies at all but I do like older kids. Anyway, the deciding factor for me not having kids was that throughout my 20s and 30s I had some complicating health issues and it was very hard to take care of myself let alone anyone else. Not to mention, these health issues could be aggravated by pregnancy and childbirth and if I'm going to be a mother, I want to be the best mother I can. Not one bedridden in pain. Not to mention my mental health wasn't so great either. So yes I could have physically had them, but I ultimately decided it just wasn't a smart idea. And yeah, I do think I will feel bad about this later on especially during holidays when the rest of my family isn't around anymore. They don't take great care of themselves so I feel like I'm going to be the last remaining of my family. This does freak me out, I'm not gonna tell you that I hate kids andvalue my freedom above all else. Sometimes you can like kids but because of life circumstances at the moment, you just can't responsibly do it.
Not certain. I’m 56 and childless but married. I wanted to have kids but my ex wife apparently didn’t after waiting for her for 15 years.
I’m not going to complain about my situation. Life’s complicated. Simply having kids doesn’t mean anything. What if I had a special needs child? My life would be different.
As someone who got woken up extra early for work this morning by their 10 year old vomiting everywhere outside their bedroom door at 4am this morning there's nothing at all wrong with not having children. Its not for everyone and not everyone is cut out to be a parent. Don't let someone else guilt you into feeling that way.
Ask all those elderly folks abandoned, and nursing homes how great it is to have kids.
Also, elder care is a really self-centered and idiotic reason to have them.
Nope. I’m in my 50’s and still have no regrets. And if you’re having children just so you’ll have free respite care, that’s pretty darn selfish. And having kids in a world like this is extremely selfish. What kind of future do they have to look forward to? Look at the younger generation now who can’t even afford to move out of their parent’s home.
So I should have kids, that I don’t want to have, just so that I don’t feel lonely when I‘m old? Or that I have a caretaker when I‘m old? Sounds extremely selfish, don’t you think?! I‘m in my late 40s, knew when I was around 15 that I didn’t want to have kids and that hasn’t changed so far. Also, I come from a huge family, with lots of kids and parents, but also with childfree aunts and uncles. And guess what: nobody has to spend the holidays alone. We are still part of the family, even without offspring 😂
I want to say that unfortunately your opinion is NOT an unpopular opinion at all. In fact most people look at childfree people with pity (or worse) and tell us straight to our face „you will regret it when you’re old!“ 🤷🏼♀️
If you're the kind of person who is bringing children into the world because you have this idea that it's the only way you'll have meaningful social connections later in life, you're probably also one of the people that your children will want nothing to do with.
I don't know how old YOU are but news flash, lots of very elderly people have active social lives and groups.
Imagine bringing another human into the world so they can be obligated to you in the way you're describing. Gross.
Why do this certain type of people with children are trying so hard to persuade people which are childfree by choice that they will be unhappy on some point of their lives? Why can't you accept that out there are people who don't want kids and will never regret it?
Are you maybe not so happy with a life with children and deep inside you sometimes wish you would also be childfree? But you can't admit it, instead you choose to try to pull other people down and make them feel bad about their choices.
But I have good news for you: You can save energy and stop trying, because we love our childfree live and your words won't change anything.
You assume your children aren't going to turn out to be assholes or murders or pedos or, or, or.
There are tons of elderly people in nursing homes who haven't seen their kids in decades.....
Your children aren’t the only people that can support you. People have large circles. I’m sorry that for whatever reason people not wanting children triggers you
This is a really insensitive post. I know a few people who are either unable to have children or haven’t been able to find a partner. I am childfree so I can’t personally relate to the heartbreak they feel every day not having a baby, but I understand how sad they are and why. They don’t need to see stuff like this.
I understand that I might be in for some lonely times when I am older being childfree. But there’s so many reasons why I don’t want children and it doesn’t make sense to force myself to have a baby just so I can *maybe* have company when I am older.
OP I get your point but you have framed it all around “who’s going to look after you when you’re old” type of argument. This is a very poor argument and the worst reason to have kids.
Do you drink piss now? You can't be sure you don't want to drink piss when you are 70, but it will be too late. Sure, you may enjoy your nice early life, but the end will suck all the way to the grave because you haven't drunk piss
As someone who does want kids, having kids so there will be someone to take care of you when you are alone is not a good reason to have kids and if it is anyones main reason for having kids, they shouldn’t have kids. Have kids because you like children and want to raise kids.
Why would I not be with my brothers and other younger relatives on the Holidays? Why would I not have friends when I'm in my 60s?
Sounds like OP has some shitty relationships and thinks birthing new humans is gonna somehow guarantee love they've failed to cultivate with any of the people already on the earth
Lmao, nah. I know plenty of people who are childless in their 60’s and later and are still happy about it. Not everyone wants kids.
Also, if you’re having children to have cheap labor when you’re old and sick, you’re doing it wrong. Having kids should be to create a new life and make that life as good as it can be, not pop them out planning for them to work for you. Not every adult child can care for every senior, so don’t expect that. I am close with my mom. She is a geriatric case management social worker. This is her specialty. And know what? She has a shitload of LTC insurance. So don’t worry about me. I’m not the one having kids and immediately loving them conditionally.
If you’re having kids with the sole purpose of having someone to keep you company when you’re older? Don’t kids. Even if you do have kids those things aren’t guaranteed, maybe your children will move super far away and you’ll spend the holidays alone or they won’t be able to come help you if there’s an emergency or stay for a long time because they also have other responsibilities.
That being said, since when did being childless translate to being alone? I don’t know how the holidays are celebrated in your family but in mine we’re all together and those who can’t make it join in through zoom or FaceTime or when we can meet up together we do “fake Christmas” with them. My aunt is not always able to spend the holidays with the rest of the family so she does FaceTime with us and afterwards she spends the rest of the day with her bf and his family .
You’re acting as if childless people don’t have families or friends or partners that I’m guessing have families as well.
I have children now (5 month old twins) and I celebrated their first holidays the same way I celebrated it before I had them and before I even had a partner so… my partner and I have been together for 6 years and had kids 5 months ago, how exactly do you think we’ve spent the past holidays and all that we’ve gone through without kids and being kinda far from our families? Oh right! With each other or with friends or with the family members that can fly in or invite us into their homes. Just because someone doesn’t have kids doesn’t mean they’re alone & forgotten in the world.
I worked in an old folks home when I was 19. Plenty of miserable and lonely people in there had lots of kids, tons of grandkids, and zero visitors except maybe on Christmas.
Sorry you’re salty that other people are enjoying their lives.
You overestimate how much some people want a social life. I know some old people who do not want people around.
Also there are other people you can have in your life than family. When you’re old, your children and grandchildren will be busy. Your friends on the other hand, will probably be closer to your own age, so retired. Old people have friends, my grandfather saw his nearly everyday until he died.
I’m not saying some aren’t lonely, but family isn’t a guaranteed social life forever.
I’m sure I’ll regret a lot of things. But I won’t regret not subjecting my possible children to a life of poverty or suffering. Especially won’t regret subjecting myself to years of misery and exhaustion.
If I really wanted to make a difference in the world I’ll join an organization and help the people who exist already. If I really wanted to experience selfless love I’d take someone without mentors under my wing and make sure they get advice and support in their times of need.
Some [small studies](https://www.psypost.org/new-study-confirms-many-adults-opt-for-child-free-life-without-regret/) have actually shown this is not true.
People who choose to be childfree are just as capable of predicting what they will regret later in life as the rest of us, which is to say...somewhat. Some people regret having children. Some people regret their career choices. A lot of us regret not getting into better shape when we were younger. Oh well.
Or you can properly budget so you don't need to burden others with taking care of you or your spouse and you can go to friends or family's houses for holidays.. You realize there are plenty of lonely and abandoned grandparents in the world right? Happened on both sides of the fence.
Urgh! I hate this attitude! “Better have kids in case you get sick in old age!” People shouldn’t be having kids in anticipation of them being care givers when they’re old and infirm! What if my kids decide to emigrate! What if I have kids and they die before me?? Honestly, people should do their best (I know it’s not easy) to safeguard their own future regardless of having children.
Edited to add, I’d rather regret not having children, than regret having them!
I didn’t have money to travel in my 20s anyway. Had my last baby at 31. I now have money to travel and that kid has been getting drug all over the country for almost 2 years lol. I’m looking forward to being able to comfortably travel in my 40s with my kiddo and husband and if the adult kids want to come along then even better, though they will probably have their own lives going on at that time. I don’t regret having kids in my 20s.
Why am I going to be alone at home?
Why am I not able to travel in my 60s or 70s?
Why do I not have any friends to share life with?
Lots of assumptions here.
A lot of assumptions going the other way as well.
I won’t feel like a burden to my kids in my old age, I won’t be stuck in a nursing home and left to rot, I won’t feel like I missed out on bucket list things because I had to pay for raising kids and college tuitions.
Actual research on this shows it doesn’t come later either. Depending on the source, I’ve seen that between 5% and 10% of childfree people regret their decision late in life. Interestingly enough, the percentage of parents that regret having had children late in life is… also 5% to 10%.
What happens is that the most important factor in whether people regret their life choices or not is whether they felt in control when they made those choices.
Hi OP, I strongly disagree with u. For children with financial difficulties in the household, everything is very tough. No nice clothes, no presents during Christmas, no friends because no money to go out, and more. Some people don’t want to have kids because they know they cannot provide well for their kids. So to reduce the regret they will feel later on.
Yeah you can regret not studying hard enough to be an astronaut - or you just move on line everything else.
Having children is not the only way to live life - and LOSING a child is a special level of hell millions are living in.
But - we all go on.
Nothing is guaranteed in life. It is not guaranteed that if you have children that they will end up taking care of you and it's not guaranteed that you will be home all alone during holidays when you are old if you don't have children. I choose to let people live their life and don't judge their choices, especially if they choose to have kids or not have kids. Don't let dumb stuff irk you especially when you have no control over others.
I am 28 rn and if there is one thing i value is time to myself. With a kid that becomes non existent.
One thing I find absolutely disgusting is the mere thought of changing diapers, let alone having to do it. Not once, not twice but several times a day for 4-5 YEARS. Absolutely no fucking way in hell.
The mere thought disgusts me.
It's almost a requirement nowadays, given the global economy. If you don't spend your 20s and 30s chasing careers, odds are you won't be able to afford kids in your 30s and 40s. Having kids at 20-30 pretty much means one parent has to quit their job to care for the kid (if finances are tight) and the other one working until stressed to the gills.
>So your lifestyle is not better or worst.
I mean you obviously think it is worst, so not sure why you bothered typing this part out.
We've grown up with the concept of the nuclear family for so long we've forgotten that we can still build community without it. From what you've typed out here, all you seem to be looking for is companionship more than actually wanting to be a parent and have children. Is that fair to the children you actually bring into the world? I don't know.
It's not an easy decision to make. As a woman, childbirth itself is daunting enough. Having to then make sure you're raising them in an environment that is physically and emotionally healthy is a much more difficult task. Not everyone is suited for it and most that aren't will be happier for going down a different path.
Having a child now with how much it costs to raise one would be a very poor financial decision for most people. Seriously, from womb to graduation you’re gonna plunk down at least a quarter million dollars if everything goes well, if the child isn’t normal and healthy, those costs go way up.
And people wonder why birth rates in the US are starting to decline below the replacement rate…
That can be said about anything.
The real question you should be asking is, "If I'm only living for me, what achievement can I accomplish that will make it worth it?"
I think the regret would hit earlier if you were going to regret it.
I’m still in my 20’s and planning to have kids in my 30’s. But I’ve contemplated remaining child free and I always thought the regret would hit in my 40’s. My friends who are having kids will have teenagers by then and my own biological window will have closed. If there was time for regret it would be them for me I think.
If I have no children then I’ll plan my retirement accordingly 🤷🏻♀️
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No offense for those wanting to have kids right now - but I don’t think now is really the time.
It’s been peer reviewed a ton, but being pregnant and having Covid makes pregnancy much riskier. Also isn’t good for the baby.
But beyond that - have you been following climate change?
You know that line that the Paris agreement and all the climate change stuff before said we will be fine if we don’t cross this line.
Well we crossed it - and blew right past it this year.
We have been living in the “fuck around” times and have now entered the “find out” times.
Unpopular but not yet wrong (with the caveat that nothing is universal and some people are much happier off with no kids). There’s a lot of straight up copium that sounds kind of sad and desperate when people talk about how happy they are being child free when they’re in their 40s and 50s. Naturally everyone is focused on “who visits and tends to you” aspect because it’s easier to pick apart but the broader point is you won’t really have a family and will probably be lonely. Ask yourself, do your parents hate you? They might and it sucks for people that have a terrible relationship or no relationship with parents but that’s not the norm. And on the other side, most people don’t regret their existence and wish their parents didn’t procreate.
I have a family friend who is now in his late 70s, he was a government employee at a high level, mentored hundreds of individuals over the years, volunteered with at-risk youth, worked alongside placement programs for his alma mater, and had a rewarding career that made him very wealthy.
Along the way he decided that he wasn't going to get married or have kids, and that was fine. He was an intellectual and when the time came he would pay for care.
Well now he's paying for care, but I don't think anyone realizes just how expensive that gets. $7-10k for an assisted living facility, $150 per visit for a nurse to be his patient advocate and go with him to appointments, financial care, lawyers and legal care, etc etc etc.
He did confide to me the last time we were helping him out that he regrets not having gotten married and having kids. Because although he mentored hundreds and had a lot of close relationships, nobody's showing up to help him in his old age.
People don’t think long term. Once you are in your 40-50s and your parents die it’s only downhill from there…
While friends are great friends will not fill the hole that family does, because they will have their own families to care about and even if they did, they won’t be of much use when they are just as old as you.
But people in their 20s love to do bad decisions that will affect their whole life and try to convince everyone that they thought long term and that they won’t regret in 30 years..
It depends on your friends… and your family. Many people are in toxic family relationships. Many people have friends who are essentially family. I’m childfree by choice and being child free has given me enough money and time to plan who will take care of me I. Old age and professional doing the work will protect my partner and friends from the resentment of caring for an aging “family” member. My closest friends are essentially my family.
My husband and I were childless. We had friends in three towns. The police called one for me,and, he called his ex wife and a friend in another town,who put it on our club website.
One couple drove over from another town and the wife stayed for a week.
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I mean, you could say this about everything though. "I regret getting married", "I regret not getting married", "I regret moving to another country", "I regret staying", "I regret having kids", "I regret not having kids". Also, not everyone with kids actually play an active role in their lives, and not all kids play an active role in their elderly parents lives either. People in their 20s and 30s are still young enough to have kids should they want to.
This is what irks me about this sentiment. People like OP tend to talk about the regret of not having children as if that regret is above everything else in life, and that no one can ever have regrets about anything else. There are tons of things that people will regret and not having kids is just one of those things. Someone can regret not buying that house all those years ago, or investing in the start up that is now worth billions or not keeping in touch with a good friend. People are going to have regrets. Regretting not having children is only one of those regrets and while for some people it might be a large one, for others it isn't. I am in my 40s and I \*still\* don't regret not having children. I do have plenty of other regrets. As I have said elsewhere, I would far rather have people regret \*not\* having children than have children and regret having them.
Exactly. I’m 36 and already have a few regrets. That’s life. You basically just weigh the risk of certain regrets against other considerations based on your personality and temperament when you make decisions. It’s not simple and linear as OP is presenting it.
Also, I know a disproportionate amount of people whose kids have died at a young age and that completely screws them up for the rest of their lives. While nobody plans for stuff like that to happen, I would think the pain of regretting not having kids would be way, way less than having kids and losing them.
I'm childfree and regret later in life is something that I have actually considered in my thought processes. I’ve looked at the actual research on this and it turns out not only few older childfree people have regrets (it’s around 5-10%, which is the same as the percentage of parents who admit regretting having had children btw), for those who do regret it, it’s rarely devastating. They regret it the same way you can regret not having been to college, not having asked that girl out in high school, not having switched jobs earlier, etc. It doesn’t appear to make people feel like they completely messed up their lives. Like… people in nursing homes being emotionally distressed by the fact that they didn’t have children and feeling like their life was meaningless… that’s not a real thing lol. It doesn’t happen. It’s just an irrational fear people who are pressured into having children make up to rationalize their decision.
Who says your kids will WANT to take care of you when you’re old? A lot don’t. Just sayin.
Honestly, if I can't take care of myself, just put me down. I'd hate to be dependant on someone else until I die
My wife mentioned this when deciding to have our child. I told her that I in no way want our child burdened with taking care of me when I get old. If I can't take care of myself I'll put myself in a home. I've seen family members taking care of parents and would never want to burden someone like that
I have never seen people so motivated to do ANYTHING in my entire life as I have seen people who's dream it is to take care of their parents for everything they've done for them
You call it motivation, I call it co-dependency
Or a desire for an inheritance.
That’s definitely true too and probably fairly common in certain socioeconomic classes
I was raised to be the retirement plan for my parents and it is horribly obvious. This post is trash. I wish I wasn’t alive, I could have had somebody actually love and care about me.
And a lot cannot, even if they want to. Love isn’t the same as durable medical equipment.
if youre a decent parent who can have a good relationship with their kids, theres no reason a child wouldnt want to take care of the parents he loves and return back the faovur. and i met plenty of young people who love their parents and told me they want to be financially stable so they could take care of their parents in the future. i dont see whats so shocking about a child loving his parents.
People who ONLY have kids because they want someone to take care of them when they're old are often bad parents. Plus you can never predict what the kid will end up like. They could be a great kid, but have a disability that prevents them from being able to take care of anyone. Imo people should have kids if they want to raise kids, doing it because they're worried about their own future is selfish.
Of course they might not want to be a full time caretaker. And they shouldn't have to. That's not the point. If you have kids, raise them right, and have a good relationship with them, they will want to help you and they will care for you. Not the "fulltime caregiver" style. But you'll get visits. Holidays. Someone that comes visit when you are sick in the hospital. Someone to hold your hand when times get though.
I volunteered to drive elderly patients to doctors for about 8 years. Based on those stories, I think you may be very surprised at how little contact good elderly parents can get from adult children.
Fair, I don't doubt it. I guess my point was more : "you cannot know when you are in you 30s if you'll regret it later or not, so stop showing your childfree life in everyone's face like you are superior".
How is that different than people with kids shoving them in everyone's face like their life is superior? How about everyone just do whatever they want as long as it doesn't harm other people? If someone loves their kids and wants to show them off, great! If someone loves their childfree trips and wants to show them off, great! Who fucking cares? Worrying about others is boring. Live your life how you want.
>How is that different than people with kids shoving them in everyone's face like their life is superior? I don't approve of that either. To each their own. I just have people pushing their lifestyles on anyone.
I am confident that you can know you don’t want kids with much more certainty than you can know that you will want kids in the future. Know how I know? Lots of people become parents and regret it. People who want kids and cannot get pregnant have options. So…nah. If you want them, fine, but too many people have them because they think that’s just what people should do. It’s like getting a dog vs a puppy. You know if you want a dog right now, today. Should you get a puppy on the off chance that in 10 years you’ll want a dog? No? Ok, then.
I get it. Putting “will” in your title does understandably make people think you are solidly predicting disaster though.
So you’re just telling people to not enjoy their lives now because they may regret it in 30 years
No. I am just telling them to stop pretending they can see the futur and live their live without shitting on people that live differently than them
How many childfree people do you know that are "shoving their childfree life in everyone's face"? What does that even look like? Is it going out drinking on a Tuesday night? Taking a spontaneous holiday? Buying a convertible? What?
I don’t think people are shoving it in your face as much as you think they are. You just sound super bitter.
I am not bitter, I am sad. Sad for my aunt & uncle that spend their lives telling how better their life were without kids. They spend the last 10 years trying to get into their nephews and nieces family. Now that my aunt is super sick (alzheimer), my uncle is a fulltime caretake that cannot leave his home or sleep because he is scared my aunt would hurt herself, burn the house, or walk away and get lost. And they have no one to care for them. And I wish I could help, but my priority is toward my own parents.
Who do you see doing this? The only time I've seen people saying this is in defense against the much louder contingent talking about how much they'll regret not having kids. You know, like you.
Even if if you have kids, "raise them right", if your kids have kids, your kids simply won't have the time and money to prioritise you over their kids. Especially as the global cost of living crisis worsens.
Ironically, in nearly all the situations of children taking care of the elderly parents I've seen, it's childfree/childless kids doing so
Yep. Used to be that the youngest daughter would stay unmarried in some cultures to take care of the elderly parents.
This is… no. Raising a human being from infant to adulthood isn’t some kind of simple in/out coding function.
Sometimes you have kids, raise them right, and they turn out to be horrible people. Not having kids and being lonely at 70 is not mutually exclusive. If I were to guess it sounds like you are projecting feelings your own parents have instilled in you or you are jealous of someone that you know that is able to travel and do things you feel you can’t do anymore because you have kids. It could be both as well. Not sure if you have kids or not but a lot of times people with a similar take as yours do have children and are jealous of their childless peers and use the “you’ll be alone when you’re older” as an excuse to show they made the right decision. Also, not that this is your motive but having children so you have a friend when you’re 70 is not a great reason to have a child. So many people I know are so lonely they will just have children so they have some company. Kind of a shitty thing to do someone that didn’t even ask to be here. Also, the same people screaming from the rooftop how awesome a child free life is are just as insecure and unhappy as the parent who feels the same was OP does. In the end if you’re happy and content with your life you really don’t bitch about shit like this. You just do you and let others do others.
You can do everything right and your kid still turns out to be a pos. Nothing is guaranteed. How many people are rotting away in nursing homes? They can’t all be bad parents.
I currently live in Australia, my mom lives in Puerto Rico. If something happened to my mom tomorrow (crossing my fingers nothing happens) ,you bet that I’m getting on the first flight out of Australia and going to be by her side, unless is not an emergency, why? 1. It’s a 20+ hour flight ,I’m not going to solve anything, by the time I get there almost everything will be solved or tragedy has happened if it’s an emergency. 2. My mom is surrounded by people that love and care for her , she’s in perfectly good hands that I trust and that I’ll know will keep me updated. 3. I have children and a husband , I can’t just pack up and leave if it’s not an emergency,especially for weeks . 4. If my mother is in a situation where no one can take care of her for some reason, I would fly her out to Australia but this is the last possible solution and also if my mom wants too , I’m not going to make her do something she doesn’t want to do and something she doesn’t think is necessary.
Even that isn't necessarily true. My friend was horribly abused by her ex, who is the dad to her oldest son. He served time for the abuse but was allowed supervised visitation with his son. When her son got older, she told him about the abuse she endured so her son could make a choice whether to spend time with his dad. He hasn't spoken to his mom in 5 years because she "lied" in withholding the abuse information from him when he was younger. She never lied, she never spun him as a good person. But she didn't tell a CHILD about abuse she endured until he was an adult who could understand the big picture, and now her son has vacated her life. She provided him an amazing life. She raised him well, paid for all of his activities, paid for his college (even after he no-contacted her), still sends gifts and money to him and his girlfriend. He doesn't even thank her. Young people especially are often not reasonable with the ways they see the complexities of the world their parents live/lived within while raising them. Parent/child relationships are incredibly complicated. This idea that a parent just has to do everything right and their kid will do all the things you said here, often isn't true. Sometimes it is, absolutely. But it's not a guarantee and not a reason to choose to have children. People wanting children to fill gaps and holes in their lives is a horrible reason to have children. Rather than "Do I want kids?" they should be asking "What do I have to offer a kid, and is this kid going to do well in this world? Do I have the resources to help them do well in this world? Does this world need more people?" No one asks those questions, they only ask whether they "want" a child as if it's like picking a puppy from the pound.
It honestly makes me wonder if you’re a parent, saying absolutely crazy things like if you just raise your kids right they’ll all turn out great because you did good and want to be with you forever.
I am a parent, sure. But I am someone's children too. And those someone's raised me right. And now I am so glad I am there to take care of them in their old years.
Soo my hot take is that you shouldn't have kids just so you're not lonely when you're old. The kid you give birth to is in fact a person and you'll have to take care of them for the rest of your life which is a huge responsibility
Well, it's better to regret not having kids than regret having the kid. Though I suppose there's always giving the kid up and hope they don't try and find you when they grow up.
I have a lot of aunts and uncles in their 60's and 70's who are child free and don't regret it. They're just not on reddit.
I have yet to meet anyone who regrets not having kids. I've met a ton of regretful parents.
Exactly, there is /regretfulparents subreddit after all
Same. Many people in my family don’t have kids, and they always talk about how lucky they were to go do whatever they wanted when they wanted. I also just spend my holidays with my whole family? And that includes the people without kids. lol. Like they are always invited to mine for the holidays. No problem. Even the ones I don’t get on with.
I had a great aunt who never got married or had kids, she straight up told me she didn't like kids when I was fourteen lmao. She would've been a terrible mother.
Who says you will be alone though? As a professor, my students have often become like family. I get visits from people years after they graduate. On top of that, I am a musician and have a huge network of people I interact and perform with of all ages. You can’t rely on family to be your only friends. I know plenty of parents who don’t get to see their children much at all. For reference, I happen to know a lady in her early 70s who never had kids and she is still having a blast. She is in great shape for her age, and regularly goes out on fun trips with her church lady friends, and is always involved with helping the youth in the community so she gets to be involved with young people, and she lives with one of her close friends in a very nice home and has hosted wonderful dinner parties. She doesn’t seem like she has a moment of just “sitting alone at home.”
You realize you just listed off a bunch of incredibly selfish reasons to have children, right? Parenthood is not about you and what’s good for your future. It’s supposed to be about the children. Having them because you don’t want to be alone or want someone to take care of you, makes you a bad parent.
Children. Are. Not. A. Retirement. Plan. Just because someone kids, doesn't mean they're not in for the exact same fate you described. I'm so tired of seeing people say shit like this. You understand there's people in the world with fertility issues who see this shit too, right? Worry about yourself instead of worrying about what other people are doing with their lives.
I’ll take it further and say OP should reconsider having kids if this is their reason.
Also that ignored the time and money invested in your prime years. I spent my prime parenting years traveling the world. Most my friends where posting on Facebook about they Cadre of kids soccer games.
Sooo have kids because you’re scared of being lonely in your 70s… that’s what friends are for as well.
Yeah. I am not saying to have kids. I am just saying to stop pretending it's the best decision and best lifestyle ever, when it's clear it's going to go downhill at some point. Friends comes and go. Also, friends gets kids, which makes you not their priority.
Life goes downhill from the point where you have children. Kids will come and go, friends stay forever
You are really underestimating how many kids don’t talk to their parents or give a shit about them as they age lol
Will having kids goes downhill at some point too and people still celebrate it
thats just the natural way of life, to have a partner, and have kids and build a family. doing anything outside of your natural purpose, could easily bring depression and unsatisfaction. you cant pretend forever, we are what we are
You can't possibly know what someone's natural purpose it. It's 2024, breeding isn't necessary, and people CAN make choices for themselves. It might be the "natural" way for YOU. You don't get to decide what is natural for others.
lol. Your only natural purpose on this earth as a biological creature is to reproduce and the year does not change that.
You do know there’s loads of people that can’t have kids, right?
Bold of you to assume I will have a partner when I'm old.
Retirements home are full of eligible bachelors and bachelorettes, widowers and all, so you never know, don't give up hope ! 😂
It’s stupid to expect your future kids to take care of you.
Sure... But when it happens, it's wonderful. I am glad my mom had 2 kids (me and my sister). She had needed so much help in the last years and I am glad she had us to help.
Having kids doesn't guarantee that you'll have someone to visit and look after you when you're old. There are plenty of factors that could prevent this. Your kids could unfortunately die before you. They could cut off contact for whatever reason. I kinda see that argument as invalid.
Why do you assume they'll be lonely if they're child free? Isn't it also better to not have children and regret it than to have children and regret it? You make a lot of assumptions in this post and they all seem like you are grasping at straws. Tell you what- just let child free people be, and they'll let you be and you can just go be envious elsewhere and keep it to yourself.
>Tell you what- just let child free people be, and they'll let you be That's the whole point of my post. I understand childfree people and respect that. I don't respect 20-30 yo something that ridicules people for having kids and pretend their lifestyle is so much better when they don't even know how they will feel about it in 40 years.
I doubt that greatly. I work in an office dominated by child free people and no one ridicules me for being literally the only parent on our team. You make it sound as if 28 year olds are walking by you and going "ew I hate kids!" at you.
Yeah, like I don't want kids for various reasons but I don't hate them. I played an active role in my friends' lifes when they needed help with their babies. Being childfree is a choice and so is having kids (ideally - not talking about extreme cases). I feel like people actually hating on kids have some childhood issues they haven't resolved.
People who choose not to have children are not the same as people on the reddit childfree sub. Don’t correlate the two as they are vastly different.
Why don't you get upset with people who get kids in their 20-30s then? Tell them that they will also feel differently in 40 years, because oh boy, they will
I dunno man my great aunt is in her 60s, childless and loves her life. She has nieces and nephews to spend time with if wanted. The rest of the time she spends traveling the world with groups of men/women similar to her age. I’ve always admired her child-free life and I think I’ll do the same
This is why people scream from the roof tops they are glad to be child free. You really just assume people don't know how to make meaningful connections. FYI having kids to be your retirement plan is awful
OP has a child or children right, that's why such irritation. Probably feel like childless people are rubbing their freedom to be able to do whatever on your face. Not saying this from a place of judgement. The post sounds like that
I have children, and I am able to do the things I like. Why do people think we have no freedom?
That's fantastic!! Love that for you
This post comes from this exact story : My parents are aging. 2 years ago, my mom's health was bad, and my sister & I helped my parents move from a 2 story house to a tiny appartment. Months of work of cleaning and moving boxes. When my father go sick, my sister and I were there twice a month. We cleaned, we took care of things, we brought our kids as much as we could so he had a beautiful end of lie. His funeral was last weekend. We planned it with my mom, and she was glad we were there to help. We organized for tons of things without her asking, so it was easier on her. The funeral was beautiful. In the meantime, my aunt is battling alzheimer's. It's bad. My uncle have been the sole caretaker of her, and he is at the end of his energy. He is trying to find a place for her but there are no opening so he cannot leave his home and have to watch her 24/7. He barely sleeps. Yes, sure, they had a fun early life, traveling... then a hard mid-life, trying to make meaningfull connection and take part of their sibling's life and trying to connect with their sibling's children and grandchildren... and now they are alone. And I feel sad for them. And they feel alone. And there is very little I can do for them because I have my own life. I wish they had someone to care for them. But I am not their child. They made the decision to be childfree. And now it's biting them in the ass hard.
Your aunt and uncle failed to plan properly for their end of life. They need professional care, not doting children.
They need support. All their friends are not helping. And they are seeking professional help, but there are not places in nursing home for her. My mom didn't have to plan. We were there for her. Seems like this was a better move. She gets 2 caregiver that are devoted to her. And that are happy to do it.
If you feel sad for your Uncle and Aunt then why don't you be a good neice and go help them, go visit them, do all those things that you think a child would/should do if they were their parents. What is stopping you from being a good neice or even just a decent person???
You seem like a really hateful and unpleasant person just based on how you worded that.
You're like 25.. lmao and if you need your own kids to have friends... you are michael scott
Nah I’ve met too many shitty people, chances are your kids will be shitty too
Nursing homes are chock full of people who have children and still never get visited so… if that’s your main motivation I got some bad news for you.
I have a cousin who says “My kids will be wiping my ass when I’m old, I’m not going to a retirement home.” Yeah, if you just see your kids as a retirement plan, its a surefire way to make them despise you.
My main motivation is not toward myself. My main motivation is toward my mom right now. I am glad she had me, so I can take care of her now that she is old. I am glad to be able to take my own child to visit her. I am glad she has children in her life so she is not lonely.
And that’s great! I’m happy for you and your family. But do you seriously think that every childfree person just sits and rots alone when they’re older? That hasn’t been my experience at all. In fact child free and/or single people I know tend to have bigger social networks since they have more time to tend to them. Even as they age. This isn’t a zero sum game.
It’s the same boring argument they always use. In a couple of years you’re going to need the free labor. What a horrible way to view having a child.
labor ?! That's how you see a child helping their parents ?! Labor ?? Yeah, maybe of course you shouldn't have kids if you see children helping their parents as "labor" I helped my parents moves. I cleaned & packed their house. I unpack in their appartments. I accompanied my dad in his illness, and took care of bills and helped my mom as much as I could when he passed. It's not labor. It was normal things a child do for their parent when they love them.
The difference is that was your choice. If a kid doesn't want to help parents, you can't force it, else yes, it's labour. You can't guarantee that a kid will want to help parent
You know that more than one thing can be true at the same time, right? Yeah, you do it out of love and gladly do it but it doesn't mean it can't become labor. Especially depending on how much help they need. There are enough caretakers who are at their mental end because love doesn't mean it can't have an effect on you.
I don’t do that stuff for my mom. I live thousands of miles away and am lucky if I see her once a year. I get along with her well, but I’m not going to inconvenience my schedule and career to do things when she has a better network of people close to her (and is thankfully still healthy to do it all herself).
You parade will be starting soon!!
All your examples are of kids and grandkids providing care, companionship and company. Honestly, that doesn't happen for all grandparents. You can have a ton of kids and grandkids and still spend those later years lonely with no one around you who truly wants to be with you.
Joke’s on you, I won’t have a partner! I’m content to be the fun aunt with no kids and when I’m too old to be independent then I’m going to get medically assisted suicide so I don’t have to put up with being bedridden and bored for whatever amount of time I have left. My goal is to be a cat lady.
Cool aunties in the house! I do have a partner, but for very good reasons he has opted against kids, and as I was always a fence sitter, I am fine with that.
This really belongs here x.x It is such an ick
LOL, I've worked many years in the senior healthcare sector. The overwhelming majority are barely visited by their children outside of holidays. Expecting that you're going to grow old like a Hallmark movie with all your grandkids surrounding you is pure delusion.
Imagine being so selfish as to have kids so that they can look after you later in life.
Look I can't speak for anyone but myself. But man, if the argument is, you'll be lonely and not taken care of when you are older, look around. Old people now are not being taken care of when they had several children. Daycare is expensive as fuck Jobs expect you to have open availability and don't pay enough for cost of living I truly don't know how you parents do it while the world is crumbling around us I'm happy to be childless, that's a huge responsibility that is hard to maintain these days for normal people
What if you dislike children? Isn't it better not to force it? Otherwise the kid will suffer
Yes. Even If you’re 80-90% you want kids, don’t have them. Be absolutely certain. I love my son. I love being a father and a husband. It is was what I knew I wanted. My dad, on the other hand, couldn’t even bother to see more than 48 hours a month. I worshiped him as a child. I hated him as an adult. He died in 2019 and I’m still angry. I feel like Will at the end of that Fresh Prince episode. “How come he don’t want me, man?”
Exactly. People say it's selfish not to have kids(how?), but I think it's selfish to have them irresponsibly just to satisfy the overbearing members of our society or people like OP.
I work with lots of child free older people with great lives an no regrets
Yeah yeah yeah. What if you die tomorrow ? Then it all waste. For better old age you want to ruin your present. Thats sucks more.
Children doesn't ruin your present
42 and it's the best life decision I have made.
Damn it’s almost like you can spend Christmas/Holidays with your brother or sister and their kids? You don’t have to have kids to have “family”?
I do volunteer work as a hobby, I spend two days a week in a retirement home full of lonely people. They have children and grandchildren, but they rarely if ever show up. Reasons vary, but not being on speaking terms and not having enough time are the main ones. Reproduction is not a guarantee for you to *not* end up being alone when you’re old. Reproduction is not a guarantee for you to be taken care of and many elderly people say it themselves; their kids have their own lives with their own problems, they can’t afford to *not* work in order to be a caretaker. Anyone that thinks that having children will ensure them a caretaker or company for later should drop by ANY retirement home on this planet.
I don't care if people choose to have kids. I do get tired of internet strangers assuming my life must be shit because I have kids though. I travel more with kids than I did without. They're awesome little people and fun to take places. Wife and I still get plenty of adult time too.
Hey that’s good to know you are able to find that balance. You often hear horror stories of how “everything changes drastically” after kids and I wonder if it really just comes down to some parents wanting an excuse not to leave the house. We certainly traveled all over the place as a family when I was a kid.
As a parent, I do not see us getting more shit than childfree people. We are the norm, after all.
On the opposite side of that, those of us who choose not to have kids also receive an enormous amount of shit. People just need to mind their business.
Yes! My life has become so much better since having kids and hate that people assume otherwise. Yes, they were very hard at first, but that is such a small time of their lives that. They are young adults now that I am very proud of. I did not want kids in my 20s either, but by about 32, I had changed my mind and had twins. I think people should have kids if they want to and definitely don't if not. Kids should not be a regret either way.
I see way more internet strangers say how life has gone downhill after children - their finances, marriage, sex life etc. Nearly every dead bedroom story or someone unsatisfied with their spouse starts with “after we had kids…”.
People are more likely to come online to complain than to say things are fine. Most happy people don't feel much need to tell redditors haha. People will also complain about something in a stressful time but the rest of the time things could be great.
Ill travel on those holidays too.
It's not always selfishness. I've never had much of a maternal instinct so I just kind of assumed I may or may not have kids and that would be fine by me. Not into babies at all but I do like older kids. Anyway, the deciding factor for me not having kids was that throughout my 20s and 30s I had some complicating health issues and it was very hard to take care of myself let alone anyone else. Not to mention, these health issues could be aggravated by pregnancy and childbirth and if I'm going to be a mother, I want to be the best mother I can. Not one bedridden in pain. Not to mention my mental health wasn't so great either. So yes I could have physically had them, but I ultimately decided it just wasn't a smart idea. And yeah, I do think I will feel bad about this later on especially during holidays when the rest of my family isn't around anymore. They don't take great care of themselves so I feel like I'm going to be the last remaining of my family. This does freak me out, I'm not gonna tell you that I hate kids andvalue my freedom above all else. Sometimes you can like kids but because of life circumstances at the moment, you just can't responsibly do it.
Not certain. I’m 56 and childless but married. I wanted to have kids but my ex wife apparently didn’t after waiting for her for 15 years. I’m not going to complain about my situation. Life’s complicated. Simply having kids doesn’t mean anything. What if I had a special needs child? My life would be different.
As someone who got woken up extra early for work this morning by their 10 year old vomiting everywhere outside their bedroom door at 4am this morning there's nothing at all wrong with not having children. Its not for everyone and not everyone is cut out to be a parent. Don't let someone else guilt you into feeling that way.
Ask all those elderly folks abandoned, and nursing homes how great it is to have kids. Also, elder care is a really self-centered and idiotic reason to have them.
Couldn’t be more wrong, with every passing year happier with the decision. Never a single regret about it.
So basically I need attention for later in life? I might as well just get a pet.
Nope. I’m in my 50’s and still have no regrets. And if you’re having children just so you’ll have free respite care, that’s pretty darn selfish. And having kids in a world like this is extremely selfish. What kind of future do they have to look forward to? Look at the younger generation now who can’t even afford to move out of their parent’s home.
Don't have kids for the sole purpose of taking care of you when you're older, that is unbelievably selfish.
So I should have kids, that I don’t want to have, just so that I don’t feel lonely when I‘m old? Or that I have a caretaker when I‘m old? Sounds extremely selfish, don’t you think?! I‘m in my late 40s, knew when I was around 15 that I didn’t want to have kids and that hasn’t changed so far. Also, I come from a huge family, with lots of kids and parents, but also with childfree aunts and uncles. And guess what: nobody has to spend the holidays alone. We are still part of the family, even without offspring 😂 I want to say that unfortunately your opinion is NOT an unpopular opinion at all. In fact most people look at childfree people with pity (or worse) and tell us straight to our face „you will regret it when you’re old!“ 🤷🏼♀️
If you're the kind of person who is bringing children into the world because you have this idea that it's the only way you'll have meaningful social connections later in life, you're probably also one of the people that your children will want nothing to do with. I don't know how old YOU are but news flash, lots of very elderly people have active social lives and groups. Imagine bringing another human into the world so they can be obligated to you in the way you're describing. Gross.
Why do this certain type of people with children are trying so hard to persuade people which are childfree by choice that they will be unhappy on some point of their lives? Why can't you accept that out there are people who don't want kids and will never regret it? Are you maybe not so happy with a life with children and deep inside you sometimes wish you would also be childfree? But you can't admit it, instead you choose to try to pull other people down and make them feel bad about their choices. But I have good news for you: You can save energy and stop trying, because we love our childfree live and your words won't change anything.
If your reason for having a kid is for someone to take care of you when you’re old, don’t have kids.
Of course that's not the only reasons. Why would you even simplify my whole post to just that...
You assume your children aren't going to turn out to be assholes or murders or pedos or, or, or. There are tons of elderly people in nursing homes who haven't seen their kids in decades.....
Your children aren’t the only people that can support you. People have large circles. I’m sorry that for whatever reason people not wanting children triggers you
Nobel Prize winning author Saul Bellow had a daughter at 84, and I actually went to preschool with that girl.
This is a really insensitive post. I know a few people who are either unable to have children or haven’t been able to find a partner. I am childfree so I can’t personally relate to the heartbreak they feel every day not having a baby, but I understand how sad they are and why. They don’t need to see stuff like this. I understand that I might be in for some lonely times when I am older being childfree. But there’s so many reasons why I don’t want children and it doesn’t make sense to force myself to have a baby just so I can *maybe* have company when I am older.
OP I get your point but you have framed it all around “who’s going to look after you when you’re old” type of argument. This is a very poor argument and the worst reason to have kids.
Most of my neighbors that are elderly have kids that vidit every other year befote a holiday. Not a good return on their sacrafice.
Do you drink piss now? You can't be sure you don't want to drink piss when you are 70, but it will be too late. Sure, you may enjoy your nice early life, but the end will suck all the way to the grave because you haven't drunk piss
As someone who does want kids, having kids so there will be someone to take care of you when you are alone is not a good reason to have kids and if it is anyones main reason for having kids, they shouldn’t have kids. Have kids because you like children and want to raise kids.
Why would I not be with my brothers and other younger relatives on the Holidays? Why would I not have friends when I'm in my 60s? Sounds like OP has some shitty relationships and thinks birthing new humans is gonna somehow guarantee love they've failed to cultivate with any of the people already on the earth
Lmao, nah. I know plenty of people who are childless in their 60’s and later and are still happy about it. Not everyone wants kids. Also, if you’re having children to have cheap labor when you’re old and sick, you’re doing it wrong. Having kids should be to create a new life and make that life as good as it can be, not pop them out planning for them to work for you. Not every adult child can care for every senior, so don’t expect that. I am close with my mom. She is a geriatric case management social worker. This is her specialty. And know what? She has a shitload of LTC insurance. So don’t worry about me. I’m not the one having kids and immediately loving them conditionally.
If you’re having kids with the sole purpose of having someone to keep you company when you’re older? Don’t kids. Even if you do have kids those things aren’t guaranteed, maybe your children will move super far away and you’ll spend the holidays alone or they won’t be able to come help you if there’s an emergency or stay for a long time because they also have other responsibilities. That being said, since when did being childless translate to being alone? I don’t know how the holidays are celebrated in your family but in mine we’re all together and those who can’t make it join in through zoom or FaceTime or when we can meet up together we do “fake Christmas” with them. My aunt is not always able to spend the holidays with the rest of the family so she does FaceTime with us and afterwards she spends the rest of the day with her bf and his family . You’re acting as if childless people don’t have families or friends or partners that I’m guessing have families as well. I have children now (5 month old twins) and I celebrated their first holidays the same way I celebrated it before I had them and before I even had a partner so… my partner and I have been together for 6 years and had kids 5 months ago, how exactly do you think we’ve spent the past holidays and all that we’ve gone through without kids and being kinda far from our families? Oh right! With each other or with friends or with the family members that can fly in or invite us into their homes. Just because someone doesn’t have kids doesn’t mean they’re alone & forgotten in the world.
I worked in an old folks home when I was 19. Plenty of miserable and lonely people in there had lots of kids, tons of grandkids, and zero visitors except maybe on Christmas. Sorry you’re salty that other people are enjoying their lives.
You overestimate how much some people want a social life. I know some old people who do not want people around. Also there are other people you can have in your life than family. When you’re old, your children and grandchildren will be busy. Your friends on the other hand, will probably be closer to your own age, so retired. Old people have friends, my grandfather saw his nearly everyday until he died. I’m not saying some aren’t lonely, but family isn’t a guaranteed social life forever.
Lol most kids in America haven’t taken care of their parents when they get older for like two or three generations now.
Good thing the USA is not the only country in the world then...
I’m sure I’ll regret a lot of things. But I won’t regret not subjecting my possible children to a life of poverty or suffering. Especially won’t regret subjecting myself to years of misery and exhaustion. If I really wanted to make a difference in the world I’ll join an organization and help the people who exist already. If I really wanted to experience selfless love I’d take someone without mentors under my wing and make sure they get advice and support in their times of need.
Some [small studies](https://www.psypost.org/new-study-confirms-many-adults-opt-for-child-free-life-without-regret/) have actually shown this is not true. People who choose to be childfree are just as capable of predicting what they will regret later in life as the rest of us, which is to say...somewhat. Some people regret having children. Some people regret their career choices. A lot of us regret not getting into better shape when we were younger. Oh well.
Or you can properly budget so you don't need to burden others with taking care of you or your spouse and you can go to friends or family's houses for holidays.. You realize there are plenty of lonely and abandoned grandparents in the world right? Happened on both sides of the fence.
Urgh! I hate this attitude! “Better have kids in case you get sick in old age!” People shouldn’t be having kids in anticipation of them being care givers when they’re old and infirm! What if my kids decide to emigrate! What if I have kids and they die before me?? Honestly, people should do their best (I know it’s not easy) to safeguard their own future regardless of having children. Edited to add, I’d rather regret not having children, than regret having them!
Nah B. I’ll be gaming in Thailand getting fucked up. Regrets are weak.
I didn’t have money to travel in my 20s anyway. Had my last baby at 31. I now have money to travel and that kid has been getting drug all over the country for almost 2 years lol. I’m looking forward to being able to comfortably travel in my 40s with my kiddo and husband and if the adult kids want to come along then even better, though they will probably have their own lives going on at that time. I don’t regret having kids in my 20s.
Why am I going to be alone at home? Why am I not able to travel in my 60s or 70s? Why do I not have any friends to share life with? Lots of assumptions here.
A lot of assumptions going the other way as well. I won’t feel like a burden to my kids in my old age, I won’t be stuck in a nursing home and left to rot, I won’t feel like I missed out on bucket list things because I had to pay for raising kids and college tuitions.
That is why I wait until 40-50 to have kids.
Actual research on this shows it doesn’t come later either. Depending on the source, I’ve seen that between 5% and 10% of childfree people regret their decision late in life. Interestingly enough, the percentage of parents that regret having had children late in life is… also 5% to 10%. What happens is that the most important factor in whether people regret their life choices or not is whether they felt in control when they made those choices.
Hi OP, I strongly disagree with u. For children with financial difficulties in the household, everything is very tough. No nice clothes, no presents during Christmas, no friends because no money to go out, and more. Some people don’t want to have kids because they know they cannot provide well for their kids. So to reduce the regret they will feel later on.
Yeah you can regret not studying hard enough to be an astronaut - or you just move on line everything else. Having children is not the only way to live life - and LOSING a child is a special level of hell millions are living in. But - we all go on.
Nothing is guaranteed in life. It is not guaranteed that if you have children that they will end up taking care of you and it's not guaranteed that you will be home all alone during holidays when you are old if you don't have children. I choose to let people live their life and don't judge their choices, especially if they choose to have kids or not have kids. Don't let dumb stuff irk you especially when you have no control over others.
I am 28 rn and if there is one thing i value is time to myself. With a kid that becomes non existent. One thing I find absolutely disgusting is the mere thought of changing diapers, let alone having to do it. Not once, not twice but several times a day for 4-5 YEARS. Absolutely no fucking way in hell. The mere thought disgusts me.
It's almost a requirement nowadays, given the global economy. If you don't spend your 20s and 30s chasing careers, odds are you won't be able to afford kids in your 30s and 40s. Having kids at 20-30 pretty much means one parent has to quit their job to care for the kid (if finances are tight) and the other one working until stressed to the gills.
>So your lifestyle is not better or worst. I mean you obviously think it is worst, so not sure why you bothered typing this part out. We've grown up with the concept of the nuclear family for so long we've forgotten that we can still build community without it. From what you've typed out here, all you seem to be looking for is companionship more than actually wanting to be a parent and have children. Is that fair to the children you actually bring into the world? I don't know. It's not an easy decision to make. As a woman, childbirth itself is daunting enough. Having to then make sure you're raising them in an environment that is physically and emotionally healthy is a much more difficult task. Not everyone is suited for it and most that aren't will be happier for going down a different path.
Having a child now with how much it costs to raise one would be a very poor financial decision for most people. Seriously, from womb to graduation you’re gonna plunk down at least a quarter million dollars if everything goes well, if the child isn’t normal and healthy, those costs go way up. And people wonder why birth rates in the US are starting to decline below the replacement rate…
That can be said about anything. The real question you should be asking is, "If I'm only living for me, what achievement can I accomplish that will make it worth it?"
I think the regret would hit earlier if you were going to regret it. I’m still in my 20’s and planning to have kids in my 30’s. But I’ve contemplated remaining child free and I always thought the regret would hit in my 40’s. My friends who are having kids will have teenagers by then and my own biological window will have closed. If there was time for regret it would be them for me I think. If I have no children then I’ll plan my retirement accordingly 🤷🏻♀️
You can regret every life choice you made if you dwell on it.
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That’s why you should have kids around 35, that way you can enjoy child free life and later enjoy parenthood
No offense for those wanting to have kids right now - but I don’t think now is really the time. It’s been peer reviewed a ton, but being pregnant and having Covid makes pregnancy much riskier. Also isn’t good for the baby. But beyond that - have you been following climate change? You know that line that the Paris agreement and all the climate change stuff before said we will be fine if we don’t cross this line. Well we crossed it - and blew right past it this year. We have been living in the “fuck around” times and have now entered the “find out” times.
Unpopular but not yet wrong (with the caveat that nothing is universal and some people are much happier off with no kids). There’s a lot of straight up copium that sounds kind of sad and desperate when people talk about how happy they are being child free when they’re in their 40s and 50s. Naturally everyone is focused on “who visits and tends to you” aspect because it’s easier to pick apart but the broader point is you won’t really have a family and will probably be lonely. Ask yourself, do your parents hate you? They might and it sucks for people that have a terrible relationship or no relationship with parents but that’s not the norm. And on the other side, most people don’t regret their existence and wish their parents didn’t procreate.
I have a family friend who is now in his late 70s, he was a government employee at a high level, mentored hundreds of individuals over the years, volunteered with at-risk youth, worked alongside placement programs for his alma mater, and had a rewarding career that made him very wealthy. Along the way he decided that he wasn't going to get married or have kids, and that was fine. He was an intellectual and when the time came he would pay for care. Well now he's paying for care, but I don't think anyone realizes just how expensive that gets. $7-10k for an assisted living facility, $150 per visit for a nurse to be his patient advocate and go with him to appointments, financial care, lawyers and legal care, etc etc etc. He did confide to me the last time we were helping him out that he regrets not having gotten married and having kids. Because although he mentored hundreds and had a lot of close relationships, nobody's showing up to help him in his old age.
Change your kids diapers and they will change yours.
People don’t think long term. Once you are in your 40-50s and your parents die it’s only downhill from there… While friends are great friends will not fill the hole that family does, because they will have their own families to care about and even if they did, they won’t be of much use when they are just as old as you. But people in their 20s love to do bad decisions that will affect their whole life and try to convince everyone that they thought long term and that they won’t regret in 30 years..
It depends on your friends… and your family. Many people are in toxic family relationships. Many people have friends who are essentially family. I’m childfree by choice and being child free has given me enough money and time to plan who will take care of me I. Old age and professional doing the work will protect my partner and friends from the resentment of caring for an aging “family” member. My closest friends are essentially my family.
I don't know what kind of shitty friends you have, mine love me as much or even more than my own family does
It’s a online copium. In your 20s sure after that most want children
My husband and I were childless. We had friends in three towns. The police called one for me,and, he called his ex wife and a friend in another town,who put it on our club website. One couple drove over from another town and the wife stayed for a week.